Where You Belong
by starvingstudent
Summary: What if Derek and Meredith had been together through all of season two and beyond? A different look at season 2 Includes all major events from the *COMPLETE*
1. scrub room rewrite

_**AN: Okay, so I'm sure it has been done to death, but I wanted my own take on the whole 'what if Derek had picked Meredith the first time?' thing. So, obviously you know how it's gonna end, but at least it will be happy, damnit! lol. I plan to continue through season 2 and maybe 3.**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I have no affiliations with Grey's Anatomy.**_

"Hey," Meredith spoke after long hesitation. Following a pointed look from Meredith, George had quickly vacated the scrub room, effectively leaving her and Derek alone for the first time that night. And it had been a long night, filled with short encounters and hopeful looks. But no answers. She hadn't been able to read him, but now that they were alone, she couldn't stand the not knowing anymore. She needed to know. She needed...

"Hi," he returned the greeting, smiling at her as he fastened the bottom ties of his surgical mask behind his neck.

She stared at him, expectant, but he failed to offer anything else. No more words, just a gentle smile as they gazed at each other for several seconds. Then, seemingly at the same moment, they both broke the trance and looked away, focus landing on the large sink in front of them. She sighed, wanting to ask. But she feared she didn't want the answer. If he wasn't openly telling her, if she didn't just know by looking at him...

"You know, I went to the bar," he finally said, bringing his eyes back up to look at her.

Her head snapped up at his words, her eyes trying to meet his, seeking an answer. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, having doubled its rate in only a few seconds. Her throat was dry.

"I heard," she responded, prompting him, begging him, to continue.

He smiled at her, breathing in, before he tore his gaze away quickly, reaching to grab a scrub package from the shelf over the sink. She followed suit. He remained silent for several seconds, working methodically on his hands. Unable to tear her eyes away, Meredith couldn't even open her package, simply held it tightly in her hands, as if it were a lifeline. And she stared, silent, waiting. Just stared. She knew he knew what she needed to hear. She just didn't know why he wouldn't tell her.

"Look," his voice was quiet, but it was all she could hear. All other noises and distractions of the room faded away, and he was all she was focusing on. He glanced at her quickly. "This is hardly the time or place, but we really need to talk," he continued. "I mean really talk, sit down and... talk. About a lot of things."

Silence followed.

Meredith continued to stare, her mind racing through what he had just said, breaking down his words, looking for any and all meaning she could find. It wasn't decisive. It wasn't absolute. He hadn't given her an answer. Or had he? Was she so hopefully, so blindly, in love that he was telling her to beat it, and she couldn't process it? Was she really that far gone? The _we need to talk_ line never led to good things, but it was Derek. _Derek._ Her Derek. So it couldn't mean _that_, could it?

"Okay," was all she could manage to say, her trembling fingers working the scrub package between her hands, turning it over and over and over. "Okay," she repeated, her voice almost a whisper. She wasn't sure he had even heard.

With a breath, he finished scrubbing and rinsed his hands, turning to head into the OR, but paused before the door. Derek turned to face her, forearms held up in front of him, long, winding streams of water running down until they welled at his elbows and took turns dropping off into space. He was obviously tired, and in some level of pain. That was one thing she could read easily. His navy scrubs were rumbled from a long day at work. The mask still hung crookedly from around his neck. His eyes were weary. And yet, she had never loved him more. She had never wanted, hoped for, or loved anything else more in her life.

She gulped, sure she was losing him. He hadn't picked her. He had gone back to _her_. She had lost him; the arrogant, charming, flawed, slightly rumpled man standing in front of her. She loved him. But she had lost him.

He gazed at her, not quite smiling, but aspects of the McDreamy look were floating in the background of his eyes. His chest heaved as he took a deep breath, and she was sure it was his way of saying goodbye. His way of getting closure. But he surprised her.

His modified expression expanded into a full fledged smile, and he tilted his head just so, meeting her eyes fully. Her breath caught and she was drawn to his eyes, falling into their deep blue depth. Tunnel vision clicked in and all she could see was him. His gorgeous smile. His deep blue eyes. His wavy hair. The slightly crooked nose, and scar on his forehead. Him. Then he spoke.

"This isn't the time," he repeated. "But I can't not tell you. I can't wait. I was going to wait. I was going to explain everything but I... I pick you," his voice was a whisper. "I choose you." He still spoke softly, his eyes never leaving hers. Her throat was dry as shock swept through her system. Shock and anticipation. Anticipation at what she knew was coming next. What she had waited a lifetime to hear. "And, Meredith Grey, I love you."

Her lower jaw opened, just slightly and tremored as she struggled for words, struggled for air, struggled for some form of clarity. Had he really just... Had he... She couldn't even form thoughts. And he was still smiling at her, still holding her gaze. If anything, his smile had grown larger. Her previously dry throat now felt like bone, and it was all she could do to keep breathing in and out. Her heart was in her throat, which was probably why she couldn't speak, why her chest was screaming out to her. The small plastic package in her hands was now still, held in a vice grip between her fingers. Her legs felt like jello, making her question how she was still standing.

Finally, after what felt like hours but in reality was only seconds, she managed a full breath. In. Out. Her heart began to migrate back to its proper place in her chest. She managed to swallow, a thin coat of saliva coating the back of her throat, gifting her with the ability to speak. Now, if only she had the ability to form words. Her brain reeled for something to say. Anything. She opened her mouth, as if about to speak, hoping that would put pressure on her brain to help her out. "I..." was all she managed to vocalize.

There was a tap on the glass separating the scrub room for the OR. The tunnel vision disintegrated, and she remembered where they were. "Doctor Shepherd, she's crashing!" A voice called. And then he was out of sight, rushing into the OR. She stood routed to the spot for several moments, breathing hard, waiting for some semblance of equilibrium to return to her body. Waiting to wake up from the dream.

Then she snapped out of her haze and tore open the scrub package, her practiced hands on autopilot, going through the motions of scrubbing and rinsing. And then she was backing through the door, finding herself awash with doctors and nurses. Derek was already hard at work. She took a towel and dried her hands, stuck them into gloves held out by the scrub nurses, and stepped into the surgical gown. She barely noticed one of them fastening the top of her mask in place behind her head. She was ready.

Bailey called her over to help retract, motioning her head towards Derek. Meredith hurried over to the table, squeezing in beside him, beside the man who loved her; right where she belonged.


	2. Thank you

The elevator beeped to announce its arrival on their floor, and Derek motioned for Bailey to enter before following her. Derek had been a surgeon for a long time. He had given a lot of bad news, had consoled an infinite number of family members on the death of a loved one. This particular incident shouldn't be affecting him so strongly. But it was. Consoling Danny on the death of his fiancée had taken more out of Derek than he had expected. Bonnie's death had taken much out on him.

The pain and stress of the day welled up in his mind and his breathing wavered. He wasn't one to cry. He wasn't _going_ to cry. Not in front of Bailey. His breathing hitched noticeably. He blinked furiously. Not in front of Bailey.

However, nothing got by Miranda Bailey, and she silently stepped forward, engaging the emergency stop of the elevator. Although embarrassed, Derek was thankful, turning to the back corner of the car for as much privacy as he could get. He leaned a hand up against the wall and took several deep, shuddering breaths.

The stress of the past weeks, months really, combined with the day's events were simply too much to handle. From catching his wife and his best friend together, to meeting Meredith, to the stress of not telling her about Addison and knowing he needed to, to Addison showing up and the pressure to chose. He felt immensely guilty for 'giving up' on his marriage, even though Addison had basically put herself in this situation when she chose to sleep with Mark.

Their talk the night before had been painful. But he had to do it before meeting Meredith. After eleven years of marriage, he owed her as much. She had cried. Hell, he had cried. However, even after the time he had wavered between his heart and his head, he knew he had made the right decision without a doubt in his mind. He had known the moment he had watched Meredith, IV pole and banana bag still attached, stand in the hall in front of himself and Bailey, trying to convince them she was sober. He could still picture the adorable, obviously still somewhat intoxicated, way she had stood with her upper arms out, bending at the elbows as she touched her nose and then straightened her arms several times. He had made the right decision.

He had definitely made the right decision.

But it didn't mean it hadn't been a painful decision.

He turned back to face the front of the car, stepping up to stand beside Bailey.

"You okay now?" She asked, already reaching to restart their ascent.

He nodded. "Yeah, thanks." He replied, truly thankful to her. She could come off as cold and uncaring, but few were truly as compassionate as Miranda Bailey. They reached their floor and Derek took a breath, following Bailey into the hallway, but turning the opposite way. He glanced at his watch. He needed to catch Meredith before rounds started. Making a beeline towards the intern locker room, Derek was unsurprised to find her hunched over, exhausted, on the bench between the lockers, Izzy and George flanking her. He wasn't sure which one of the three roommates were holding up who.

She looked up to the sound of the door opening and he was rewarded with a small, tired smile. But a smile all the same. It made his heart lurch.

"Hey," he said softly, gaining the attention of her roommates.

"Hey," she answered softly.

"Can we..." He motioned to the door, and she nodded, silently following him out of the locker room and into the hall. He led her down the hall to the nearest on call room, which was, thankfully, unoccupied. He guided her in with one hand behind her back, while pulling the door shut behind him with the other.

"So..." She offered as she turned to face him.

He paused, unable to find the words to explain anything to her. Unable to find any words. And he needed words; lots of words. He had so much to explain, so much to make her understand, so much to apologize for.

She noticed his hesitation, tilting her head just so as she took in his strange behaviour. "Are you okay?" Her voice was quiet and concerned.

He breathed out hard, and nodded at her. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just- I... Can I just...?" He opened his arms slightly and she nodded, stepping close to him, reaching her arms up around his neck. He closed his arms around her small frame and rested his face in the crook of her neck and shoulder, breathing hard. He couldn't stop the tears from overflowing his eyes. He hated that he was crying in front of her, but he couldn't stop. He just needed to be close to her right now. He tightened his arms around her, trying to be as close as he could. In response, she tightened her arms around his neck, resting her head down by his neck and shoulder, mirroring his position. And he was suddenly aware of dampness pooling by her face. She was crying to.

After several long moments, he pulled back, just far enough to look her in the eyes. Leaving his left arm around her waist, he wiped the back of his right hand across his face, trying to remove traces of tears on his cheeks. He then reached forward, tenderly wiping his thumb under her eyes to remove the moisture.

"Well, we make quite a pair, down we?" He joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She laughed quietly, her hands still resting behind his neck. "Thank-you," she whispered.

He tilted his head. "For what?"

"For picking me."

"Oh, Mer, don't thank me. It wasn't even a decision, really. I'm so sorry I put you through all of that. I'm sorry I didn't sign the papers right away. I was stupid not to."

"Derek..."

He smiled the proven McDreamy smile. "I'm sorry, Meredith. You deserve so much better. And I promise I will make it up to you."

She smiled back. "Okay," she whispered before pulling his head down to meet his lips with hers.

Derek melted into the kiss, replacing his right arm around her waist and holding on tight.

She deepened the kiss, her hands rising up and his fingers threaded through his thick hair. She stepped back, pulling him with her towards the bed. Derek responded eagerly by sitting down onto the bed and pulling her down beside him. She leaned back and he support her descent as he stayed close, coming to rest on top of her before he realized what was happening.

He pulled back. "Meredith." He pecked her on the lips. "We need..." Peck. "To stop." One last short kiss.

She was confused, her grey eyes questioning him as she stared upwards, trusting.

He smiled and sat up. She followed suit. He turned to face her as best he could, and took each of her small hands in his larger ones.

"Meredith," he started. "I'm technically still married. And I can't continue this..." he motioned to the two of them, "until I get divorced. You and me? We aren't an affair. You deserve better than that. I owe it to you, and Addison, to finalize the divorce before we continue this."

She smiled at him, tears welling in her eyes, but not spilling down her cheeks. She squeezed his hands. "Thank-you," she whispered. "You don't know how much it means to me to hear that."

He nodded. "Yeah, I think I do. If it means half as much as what it means to finally say it, then I know."

They smiled at each other for several moments, happy for the time being to simply be together.

"Okay," Derek said, standing up, and pulling her up beside him. "Are you working today?"

Meredith sighed and nodded. "Of course," she said, sarcastically. "Thirty hour shift, followed by an overnight train disaster. No problem following it up with another shift."

He smirked. "Well, I'm off."

She mock-glared at him. "Of course you are."

He squeezed her hand. "Addison and I are going to try to see if we can get in to see a lawyer today. There are a few changes we need to make on the forms. Then we'll be free; good to go."

"Good to go," she repeated quietly.

"Yeah," was all he could say as he stared into her eyes.

She smiled back. "I can't believe this is really happening," she admitted.

"Believe it," he told her, leaning in to place a kiss on her forehead. "I'll call you, let you know," he said.

"Okay. Talk to you soon?"

He smiled. "Absolutely."


	3. The Right Decision

Meredith stumbled back into the locker room, collapsing onto the bench beside Christina, who was seated in line with Izzy, and then George. She was ecstatic from her talk with Derek. The fact that he valued her that much hit her really hard. That he needed to get divorced first, that he didn't see her some cheep thing he picked up in a bar.

"I hear you won your McDreamy." Christina stated.

Meredith smiled despite her exhausted state. "Yeah."

"You sound surprised," Christina said. "Anyone could have told you he was going to pick you."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you were really sure last night, especially when you bet _against_ me with Izzy."

"I did not," Christina exclaimed.

"Yeah," Izzy cut in. "We would never bet on something like that, Mer."

Christina could have pulled off the lie on her own, but Izzy had yet to develop a good poker face. Meredith shook her head.

"Iz, don't forget she owes you fifty bucks."

"Oh!" Izzy said brightly. "You're right." She looked around Meredith to look at Christina. "You totally owe me fifty bucks." She held out her hand. "Pay up."

"I rest my case," Meredith stated, as Christina simply shook her head.

"What? I- oh..." Izzy trailed off as she realized what had happened. "Sorry, Mer," she said sheepishly.

Meredith shrugged. "At least you bet in favour of me." She glared at her best friend.

Christina scoffed. "Whatever."

Meredith shook her head and laughed gently before quieting. She yawned and closed her eyes, leaning up against Christina, who didn't pull away. In fact, she leaned back up against Meredith. They had been on duty for far too long to be facing another twelve long hours.

0000

Miranda Bailey pushed into the intern locker room, her eyes immediately falling on four of her interns, lined up along the bench, eyes closed, leaning against one another. She shook her head. She had never seen such a close-knit group of interns. She cleared her throat, smiling inwardly when all four heads turned in her direction.

"You may want to clean yourselves up," she said. "Rounds in five minutes."

They nodded tiredly in her direction, and she returned the gesture before leaving the room. They were obviously exhausted. Had it not been for a few short hours off the previous evening, they would have been on duty for forty-two hours straight. It was just about six in the morning, and she knew none of them got off again until six that afternoon, and with the extra patients from the train crash still in their care, the odds any of them would have a chance to sleep was slim. But the fact that they weren't complaining made her smile. Although she wouldn't admit it, she took pride in the fact that she had the best group of interns. The attendings were already favouring them after a few short months.

She passed more than one upper year resident and attending, dressed in street clothes, on their way home after a long night. She shook her head at them. It would be nice to be able to leave.

She jumped onto an elevator, fully intending on making full use of the next five minutes to go down to the lobby and get a large coffee from the cart by the doors. It was much better coffee, and right now, she really needed it.

A familiar figure stood at the cart, awaiting his order.

"Feeling better, Dr. Shepherd?"

He turned to face her. "Dr. Bailey," he greeted. "Yes, I'm feeling better. Thanks again." He smiled.

She shook her head. "Don't try the McDreamy look on me, Shepherd. It's only effective on interns."

"One intern," he corrected.

She rolled her eyes. "Even for an attending, you are far too cocky."

"What? It's not being cocky if I happen to be speaking the truth." He smiled again.

She sighed, turning her attention away long enough to order her coffee.

Derek was already sipping cautiously from his large, steaming cup.

She thanked the server as he set down her coffee on the counter.

"You staying on today?" She asked, surprised an attending would still be here voluntarily.

He shook his head as an answer. "Can't. I have some things to do; some very important things."

Bailey narrowed her eyes in response to his tone. "I take it you've made a decision then?"

He nodded, a smile appearing in his lips. "I have."

"Good for you."

His gaze shifted away from her for a moment, his attention on something behind her. Bailey turned her head, her gaze settling on the object of Derek's attention, or really, the person of Derek's attention. Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd stepped off the elevator, glancing around the open lobby before her eyes settled on Derek as she slowly made her way over, each step she took measured and even.

Bailey turned back to look at Derek, trying to read his expression. He looked relatively impassive, while Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd looked...determined. For the life of her, Bailey didn't know which woman he had picked. Addison should look happy if it were her, but if it weren't, why were they obviously meeting?

"You say you've made your decision?"

Derek nodded.

She stared him down. "And is my intern happy with this decision?"

He smiled. "She is."

Bailey motioned at an approaching Addison. "And will you be keeping her happy about it?"

His smile evolved into a more serious look. "Absolutely. I plan on keeping her very happy."

"Then why...?"

He shook his head. "You're becoming a gossip, Dr. Bailey." He smirked.

She gasped. "I am not, Dr. Shepherd. I'm none of the sort."

He shook his head. Addison was very close. "We're going to meet a lawyer," he told her quickly. With that he nodded and moved away. "Goodbye, Dr. Bailey. Thanks for the hard work last night." And with that, he matched stride with Addison, and the two of them made their way out of the hospital, and into the bright light of the rising sun.

000

Hours later, Meredith scrubbed out of a successful surgery with her resident. She pulled off her gown and gloves, following Dr. Bailey into the scrub room she took her place along the sink and washed her hands.

"Good work, Grey."

"Thank-you, Dr. Bailey." She stifled a yawn.

Bailey had moved behind her to dry her hands, but Meredith felt eyes on her back. She turned, to find Bailey's eyes on her, a pensive expression on her face.

"What?" She asked, suddenly uncomfortable.

"I-," Bailey started, knowing she had been caught. "He made the right decision." And with that Bailey left the scrub room, leaving Meredith alone.

She smiled to herself, glad she finally had the support of her resident.

After drying her hands, Meredith reached into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone, citing one missed call from Derek. She sighed, having expected to miss his call. She had been in surgery for hours, her phone on silent.

She dialled into her voicemail and held the phone up to her ear.

_'Hey Meredith. I'm assuming you're in surgery. I just wanted to let you know that we couldn't get in to see the lawyer today. The lawyer from New York belongs to a firm who has a branch out here. But they don't have an appointment open today. We're on call for an opening, hopefully tomorrow or the next day. Sorry. I'm going home to get some sleep. Call me if you want. See you tomorrow.' _

Meredith sighed, her heart growing heavy as her exhaustion hit her head on. She had been so hopeful that she hadn't realized that the divorce may take some time. She was so tired, and all she wanted right now was to fall asleep in his arms; it had been far too long. She glanced at her watch. By the time she finished her paper work and checked on her patients, it would be time to go home.

Stepping out of the scrub room, she dialled Derek's number.

He answered on the fifth ring.

"Hello." His voice was full of sleep.

"Hi," she said.

"Hey," his tone changed as soon as he recognized her voice. "Sorry, I was asleep. Could barely find my phone in the dark."

She laughed. "I hate you for getting to sleep. I'm on my fifty-something-th hour."

"Ahh, I'm sorry. At least you get to go home soon."

"Yeah, to sleep. Then I'm back here at six tomorrow. Another thirty hours."

He laughed gently. "That's life as an intern. I've been there."

"Whatever."

"You okay?" He asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm good. Just tired. Very, very tired."

"You have much left to do?"

She shook her head, even though he was on the other side of the phone line. "Not too much. I should get out of here on time."

"I'll let you get to it, then."

"Okay. Goodnight," she said, somewhat sarcastically because he got to sleep.

He chuckled. "Goodbye, Meredith."

"Bye, Derek."

Meredith hung up her phone, stashing back in her pocket. Only two hours to go.

_**AN: Okay, so this is really a filler chapter. It feels to me like nothing happened, but I can't add more without massively getting into the next chapter, where things actually start to happen. So, awkward, but necessary. Sorry, but the next chapter will be better, I promise. Oh, and a few people mentioned that the whole Derek picking Addison was essential for keeping the show going and pretty much the whole of season two's plot (for those characters), which I totally agree with. Totally agree. If it happened the way we prolly all wanted, it would have been boring. This is just my way of experimenting with what could have happened. But I will try and make sure it's not all smiles and happiness. Lol.**_


	4. Word Spreads

_**AN: Okay, so this story is proving more difficult to write then I expected, at least at this stage. I need to get them away from the whole divorce thing, but it needs to take time... which leave me with what feels like another awkward chapter. I'm trying to follow the story lines already in place, which makes me want to stress my disclaimer at this time. I don't have any affiliations. I have borrowed the characters, and in this chapter, quite a bit of dialogue.**_

Meredith stumbled up the stairs and into her room, not even stopping to get changed before collapsing on her bed. She sighed with relief, still not sure how she had managed to get home in one piece. Her thirty hour shift had ended up lasting well over forty hours, and she had barely gotten any sleep on call the night before. Add that to the fact that she had worked what ended up being fifty-four hours in a row with only one night of sleep to split them up, and you had one very tired Meredith Grey. It was close to four in the morning now, but she didn't care. She had the next day off and she was going to sleep for as long as she could.

Even in her exhausted state, her thoughts landed briefly on Derek. It had been three days since he picked her, since he told her he loved her too. Two days since he had told her he was getting the divorce. And one day since he had, apologetically, told her the meeting with the lawyer couldn't be scheduled until the next week. And it was only the very earliest hours of Thursday now. Meredith sighed, trying not to be frustrated, trying not to be mad. She should have realized from the beginning that this would take time. It was just, hearing him say those words to her, being told he loved her... And after everything that had happened between them for the past few weeks. She just didn't want to wait any longer.

As much as she tried to make sense of her thoughts, of her feelings about the goings-on of her life, the exhaustion was just too much, and Meredith fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Hours later, when the sun was high up in its daily arc through the sky, Meredith knew consciousness once again. She opened her eyes and blinked several times before rolling onto her back and stretching her aching limbs. Having barely moved for so many hours, she was stiff. As she took in her bearings she wrinkled her nose, realising she had fallen asleep in her clothes, on top of her bed. Shaking her head at what her life had come to, she rolled herself off the bed and up, onto her feet, making a beeline for the bathroom.

Once cleaned up and dressed, she made to head down to the kitchen for some food, but spotted her cell phone laying on the table beside her bed. She picked it up, reading one missed call, and she just knew who it was. Dialling into her voicemail, she held the phone up to her ear.

_"Her Mer, it's me," Derek's voice rang out. "I'm sure you're sleeping, but I wanted to let you know. I heard back for the lawyer, and the meeting is scheduled for Tuesday morning. So, yeah, just wanted to let you know. I'm on all day today, but you can give me a call when you wake up. I'll talk to you later."_

Meredith smiled despite herself. She knew he was trying. It wasn't his fault it was taking so long. Well, it wasn't his fault this part was taking so long. If he had gotten the divorce right away like he had said, then it would be done by now. But still, she dialled his number, eager to hear his voice. She hadn't spoken to him since the previous morning. The overflow from the train crash was only now starting to die down. It had kept the hospital staff extra busy for days.

Her hope dwindled as the phone rang several times without him picking up. And with each passing ring, her hope dropped even further until his voice mail picked up. She listened to the recorded message and the beep. "Hey Derek, it's me. I got your message. That's good. I guess you're in surgery. I'm up now, for a while at least. I need to get caught up on laundry and get some groceries and stuff, but I'll have my cell with me. Talk to you later. Bye." She hung up, slipping the phone into her pocket so that she would hear it when he called her back.

However, hours later, Meredith lay in bed, trying to get to sleep again. She was still tired, even after sleeping the day away, and she had an early shift the next day. She needed the sleep. But he hadn't called her back. He never called. She rolled onto her back, tilting her head to observe his side of the bed, his very empty side of the bed. She reached her arm over towards the cold linens beneath his pillow and sighed. She didn't want to sleep alone anymore. Rolling onto her side, she scooted her body over to the other side of the bed. But it didn't really help; it didn't make her feel any better. She tossed and turned for some time before finally drifting to sleep.

000

Meredith ignored the stares as she exited the locker room, coffee mug in hand. She was exhausted, having not slept well the night before, and apparently word was getting around about her relationship with Derek. And it was a very hot topic. She sighed as she ambled down the hall to meet her fellow interns at the nurses' station. Bailey intercepted right as she showed up, preventing any discussion with her friends.

However, Christina and Izzy grabbed her as they trailed behind their resident.

"Okay," Christina said. A hand hooked behind Meredith's elbow to pull her close. "So, uh, after rounds, we have something to show you."

Meredith glanced at Christina, her eyes narrowing but she didn't speak.

"Is she okay?" Izzy asked Christina.

"She's fine." Christina said quickly, wanting to get back to the topic at hand.

"Well, she looks weird."

"She's fine," Christina repeated.

"Hey," Meredith cut in. "I can speak for myself. I'm fine."

"See, I told you."

"Then why does she look weird?" Izzy asked. Meredith glared at her and she laughed. "Sorry, why do you look weird?"

Meredith shrugged. "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep much last night."

"You had yesterday off."

"I guess I'm just not sleeping well. Plus, I slept till the afternoon yesterday."

"Why-?" Izzy started, but got cut off.

"People, focus!" Christina said. "Meredith, we have something to show you, so whatever you do, make sure you do not get assigned to a surgery this morning. Okay?"

Meredith shook her head and was just about to ask why when Izzy and Christina dragged her onto the elevator with George and Bailey. The look they both gave her told her she was not to ask questions in Bailey's presence.

The group rounded quickly on post op patients from the day before. Everyone was doing well. There were few scheduled surgeries for the day. Mrs. Griswald was the last patient to see, in for heart surgery. Alex slipped into the room quietly, obviously trying not to bring to attention how late he was.

"You're late," Izzy muttered, obviously still angry with him.

"Yes, Karev, nice of you to join us," Burke said. He turned his attention to Christina. "Dr. Yang, why do we keep the heart beating?"

"I don't know," Christina muttered. Meredith snapped her attention towards Christina in time to see her glance at Izzy before continuing. "I have no idea."

"Oh, I don't know either," Izzy added. "Just don't."

Meredith paused, wondering what was going on with her friends. It wasn't like Christina to not know the answer to a hard question, and this one was easy. And it wasn't like Izzy and Christina to be plotting something together. The attention of the room shifted towards Meredith.

"It's because of-," Meredith was cut off when Izzy's foot came down on hers. Both Izzy and Christina were glaring at her. _Don't get yourself assigned to a surgery this morning._ She got it. She stayed silent.

With a questioning look towards the girls, George easily answered the question, and won himself the surgery. And Alex was sent off to work on another surgery, leaving Meredith, Izzy and Christina free for the morning.

After a brief chewing out by Bailey, Meredith found herself being dragged towards the stairs.

"What's going on?" She asked as they started down to the next floor.

"We found a case." Izzy said brightly.

Meredith sighed, knowing exactly what they meant. "You stole a case."

"Borrowed." Christina corrected. "From psyc. But the prelims... this thing is totally unprecedented."

"And we found it." Izzy said gleefully.

"You mean stole it," Meredith muttered.

"Found, stole, hijacked. Whatever," Christina said. "Meredith, behind this door is the coolest medical mystery I have ever seen."

Meredith was definitely intrigued by Christina's words.

"Now, you can either walk away, guilt free... Or, you can walk through this door; risk your place in the program, which could possibly lead to spending your life serving fries and flipping burgers." Christina smirked. "So, you in?"

Meredith stared at her friend, taking in her excitement. Izzy was standing, hand on the door, a huge smile on her face. Meredith smiled. "Hell yeah."

0000

Meredith hesitated before raising her hand to knock on the glass window. She still had no idea how she had ended up being the one doing this. Izzy and Christina had stolen a patient. Izzy and Christina forgot to steal said patient's chart. And yet, it was Meredith's job to distract the psychiatrist while they took the chart from the back of the office.

She rolled her eyes and knocked, gaining the attention of the doctor sitting behind the window, paper work in hand, pencil resting in his mouth. After a pause, he stood up, reaching to open the window, pencil still in his mouth.

"How're you doing?" Meredith asked to no response. "Are you good? You look good." She could see Izzy in the hall to the back of the office, keeping watch.

The doctor stood up straighter, removing the pencil from his mouth, but still refrained from talking.

Meredith knew she needed to keep his attention. Christina was making her move. "Come on. We're friends."

He smirked at her. "What's my name?"

She hesitated, momentarily held in a standoff, before she darted her eyes towards his lab coat, but not before he got his hand up to cover the name tag.

She was caught. "Alright, so I don't know your name." She admitted.

She flinched when he spun his head around to look behind him, as if suddenly suspicious about her presence. Meredith let out a breath in relief as Izzy and Christina managed to get cover before he saw them. But Christina was still behind the desk, so Meredith would have to keep talking.

"It's not like we can't talk," she said as he turned his attention back on her. "You don't have to be a surgeon for me to talk to you, you know?"

"Really?"

Christina was getting the chart. She'd be in full view if he chose to turn around again now. "Really."

"Cause I thought you only talked to attendings," the doctor whose name she still didn't know said, right before pulling the window shut in front of her.

Meredith let out a breath as her friends disappeared from sight, chart in hand. She strolled away from the desk, trying to look nonchalant. It didn't, however, stop her from noticing all the looks she was getting. So, the slutty-intern-who-slept-with-an-attending-and-broke-up-his-marriage gossip had reached the pysc floor. Excellent.

Meredith joined her exuberant co-conspirators at the elevators with a sigh. Izzy and Christina were chatting excitedly over the chart, but Meredith stayed silent as they stepped onto the empty car and riding down to the main lobby. She couldn't believe everyone in the hospital seemed to know. How had it spun so far out of control so quickly?

The elevator came to a stop and opened its doors. The interns stepped off quickly, just to come face to face with Derek Shepherd.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hi," Meredith returned, as Izzy and Christina chimed in their own greetings.

"You okay?" He asked her, looking concerned.

She nodded and turned her attention to her friends. "I'll me you guys there?" They nodded and were gone.

"I'm fine," she said, her attention back on Derek. "I just..."

He tilted his head. "You just what?"

She felt a smile break through her face despite herself. She just couldn't resist that look. She sighed, wondering if he knew how much power he had over her. "I just can't believe how many people know." She admitted quietly.

He narrowed his eyes. "Know what?" His voice almost a whisper.

"About us," she hissed quietly.

"Oh," he glanced around. "How do you know they know?" Still whispering.

She rolled her eyes. Men could be so oblivious. "Because," she whispered. "They're talking about us when they think I can't hear. And everyone is staring at me, all the time." She knew she sounded a little paranoid, but she didn't care.

"So everyone is talking and staring?" He whispered, asking for clarification.

She nodded.

"Then why are we whispering?" He smirked.

She huffed and glared at him.

He stopped smirking. "Okay, not the time to joke," his voice higher, but not quite normal. He sighed. "Look, Meredith, I'm sorry if everyone knows. But it had to happen eventually. It's not a bad thing." He smiled at her.

"Yeah, it's not a bad thing for you. You're not the intern who's sleeping with an attending. And you're especially not the intern sleeping with an attending who broke up said attending's marriage."

He sighed. "You didn't break up my marriage, Meredith."

She nodded. "Yes. Yes, I did. She came out here. I asked you to choose. You chose me. Marriage over. My fault."

He shook his head, leading her to a less populated area of the waiting room. "Meredith, my marriage was already over before I came out here. I just felt... I don't know, some sort of obligation. But it was over. We drifted apart, and she slept with my best friend. You don't factor into that equation."

She eyed him. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay," she conceded.

"Okay."

"Do you mind telling everyone else that?" She asked, only half-joking. She swore she could feel eyes on her back.

He laughed. "They'll figure it out in time."

The implications of his words weren't lost on her, but she couldn't deal with them yet, so she chose to move right past them. "Everyone's still staring."

His eyes left hers as he swept them over the room behind her. "No one is staring."

She sighed, and opened her mouth... only to be cut off by a beeping.

They mirrored each others movements as they looked down, hands coming to their sides to check their beepers.

"It's me," Derek said. "I'm needed in the pit." He smiled at her. "I'll catch up with you later."

She smiled back and nodded. "Okay."

But he was caught in surgery, and she was busy with her pregnant man. She was in surgery when he went home, and by the time she left after her shift, he was just starting a new shift. The weekend flew by with barely any interaction.


	5. Exhaustion

Meredith turned her head to yawn into the hand that was currently holding up her head, her elbow resting on the cafeteria table. She stifled a second yawn and returned her cheek to its previous resting position. The weekend hadn't been any less busy than the previous week, and Meredith was pretty sure she had worked more hours in the past week than in any previous week. And she was tired. She aimlessly slid her fork around the plate of what the hospital cafeteria like to call food, with no desire to actually eat anything. Christina had been sitting with her until she was paged to the ER, so now Meredith found herself alone, which wasn't actually so bad in that she got to rest. Lunch was a good excuse for a break.

Not being able to hold it in any longer, she yawned again, and then sighed softly to herself. A glance at her watch told her she only had a single digit number of hours left for the day, and she had tomorrow off. She smiled at that thought. Derek's meeting with the lawyer was the following morning, and he had promised to come over when he was done and they'd spend the day together. She couldn't wait. She missed him; she missed spending time with him. In the weeks since Addison had shown up, Meredith had pulled away from him, wanting to keep her distance, but it hadn't meant she hadn't missed him. And then the past week had almost killed her. Emotionally she didn't have to keep her distance anymore. He picked her. But she still couldn't touch him, couldn't spend any amount of time with him.

It didn't fail to amaze her, just how quickly she had grown attached to the man in her thoughts right now. Growing up had taught her anything but how to trust and rely on another human being, but here she was, standing at the precipice, prepared to take that leap with him. And it was terrifying. But in a good way. She just didn't want to wait any longer. Because the longer she waited, the steeper the cliff.

But tomorrow he was going to meet with his lawyers, and was going to come to her house after, a free man. And they were going to celebrate, and then they were going to get back on track; make those rules they had never gotten around to making. She was determined. Because she had found him. The guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She was done.

A tray appeared beside hers and she looked up and smiled.

"Hey," she said softly.

He smiled back at her. "Hello, Dr. Grey."

She rolled her eyes and leaned over to nudge him with her shoulder. "Dr. Shepherd," she muttered and he laughed.

He picked up his fork and got started on his salad. "Any good surgeries today?" He questioned.

She shook her head, glancing suspiciously at the other tables in the cafeteria for indication of starers. No matter the lack of evidence, she always felt eyes on her back. "No, nothing good," she answered, going back to running her food around her plate. "I scrubbed in with Bailey this morning. An appy. Nothing else."

"That's too bad. I would offer you a surgery this afternoon if I could, but I don't have anything on the board. I'll page you if anything comes up."

Meredith sighed. "Derek, you can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because, you can't play favourites. It's not fair."

He smirked at her. "It's fair to you."

"No. No, it's not," her eyes darted from table to table once more. She didn't want anyone listening in on this conversation. "You have to treat me like any other intern, Derek."

He sighed, dropping his fork. "Meredith, look at me," he commanded gently, waiting until her darting eyes had come to rest in his gaze. "I'm not trying to favour you. I favour the five of you, because you're Bailey's interns and everyone knows you're the best. All of the attendings favour you guys. Other than that, it is my job to teach and if you have nothing scheduled and I do, then it is my job to offer."

Meredith shook her head at the seriousness in his voice coupled with the twinkle in his eye. "You can't favour me." She repeated.

"Okay. But I also won't ignore you and keep you out of surgery to prove I'm not favouring you."

"Fine."

He copied her earlier movements nudging her with his shoulder, being rewarded with her laugh.

"Don't push me," she joked, nudging him back.

"Well, this is mature," he stated, returning the nudge again.

She laughed again, her shoulder once more pushing into his. However, when he made to counter her moves, she ducked away from him. "I win." She stated, triumphant.

He scoffed. "You cheated."

"I didn't cheat. You can't cheat at a fake game with no rules."

He laughed, his arm snaking out around her shoulder to pull her close. "Fine, you win," he muttered. "I'll get you next time."

She leaned up against him, smiling at his words, happy just to be near him. She closed her eyes, savouring the closeness, sighing as she felt him kiss the top of her head before resting his chin there. And for a few moments they both enjoyed leaning up against each other, basking in the warmth and closeness.

Then Meredith's eyes snapped open and she realized where they were and she pulled quickly out of his grasp. Her eyes now followed a familiar path from table to table as she tried to determine who was watching. They couldn't do this. Not here. Not now. They really shouldn't even be sitting at the same table. He was an attending. She was an intern. He was married. People were watching. People were always watching.

"Meredith..."

She shook her head. "No, don't Meredith me. We can't do this now and you know it. It was your rule."

He sighed. "I didn't exactly mean no touching at all," he muttered.

"Derek."

"I know. I'm sorry. And please, Meredith, relax. No one is watching you."

"You don't know that."

"So, what exactly are your plans for after I'm divorced? It's not going to stop people from talking, Meredith. It won't be any different."

"Yes, it will be different. I won't have to feel as guilty."

"Oh, Meredith, you have nothing to be guilty for. Nothing."

She turned to face him. "Nothing? Seriously. Derek, I'm the freaking other woman."

"No, you're not. Meredith, my marriage was over long before I came here. You know that-" His pager went off. "Damn," he said, lifting it off his belt to have a look. "I have to take this." He stood, his attention back on her for a moment. "Look, Meredith. You didn't have anything to do with my divorce. And you know that. The hospital likes to talk. Don't let them convince you that you are at all to blame."

Meredith took a breath as she watched him stride across the cafeteria towards whatever patient needed his life saving hands. She shook her head, trying to rid it of the negative thoughts still plaguing her mind. The hospital sure did like to talk. And she hated that she was a topic of conversation.

Looking both ways, to ensure he was really gone, she snaked her hand over to his leftover salad, stealing a piece of lettuce and popping it in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully. Then, deciding it was a much better alternative to her pasta mess on her plate, she pushed her plate away and replaced it with his. Suddenly salad wasn't as bad as she thought.

000

Meredith collapsed onto the couch between her roommates, careful of the three bottles in her hands.

"Thank-you, Meredith." George said as he pulled a beer from her grasp.

Izzie muttered something resembling a thank-you from her position against the arm rest as Meredith shoved a bottle into her hands.

"Okay, so what are we watching now?" Meredith asked. It had been her turn to get the drinks and she had left George and Izzie to decide on a tape.

Izzie muttered something unintelligible.

"What was that, Iz?"

"Skin grafting." George supplied.

"Oh, that's a good one." Meredith motioned for George to hit play and nudged Izzie, but the blonde barely flinched before burying her face deeper into the arm rest. "Come on, Iz, wake up." She jabbed her elbow into Izzie's ribs, knowing how ticklish she was there.

Izzie lurched upright, her arm closing in on her side for protection. "Not cool, Grey."

Meredith laughed. "Hey, you would have yelled at us if we'd let you sleep through the tape."

"She's got a point."George supported her.

Izzie rolled her eyes, just managing to hide the smile threatening her lips. "Whatever, you two both suck." She made a show of raising the beer to her lips and taking a big sip.

Meredith and George laughed before the three exhausted interns fell silent, huddled together on the living room couch, watching a skin grafting tape performed by the legendary Ellis Grey.

"So," Izzie spoke up quite a few minutes later. "Derek's meeting with the lawyer tomorrow?"

Meredith couldn't help the smile that came to her lips. "Mmm-hmm," she answered, nodding her head. "Tomorrow morning."

"That's good. Then you guys can finally get back on track."

"I hope so."

"And then is Dr. Montgomery going back to New York?" George questioned.

Meredith paused. "I, uh, guess so. I never really thought about it."

"There'd really be no reason for her to stay." Izzie offered.

"Yeah," Meredith supplied noncommittally. She swallowed hard at the sudden onset of contrasting emotions. No matter what Derek thought or said, she still felt like the other woman. And no matter how happy and relieved she was about his choice, she felt for Addison, she really did. Because Derek was not the kind of guy you wanted to lose. And she hated that she was the one responsible for Addison's rejection. She took a breath and brought her beer to her mouth, forcing the thoughts from her mind. She couldn't think about that now.

000

Meredith sat tensely on the couch, her hands clutched tightly together on her lap. The television was on in front of her, but she wasn't paying attention; couldn't pay attention. She glanced up to see that the wall clock had only advanced a minute in the seeming hours she had spent looking away from it. She cursed under her breath, her hands unclenching to fidget. She looked again at the clock. She could swear it wasn't moving.

She let out an exasperated breath and jumped off the couching, pacing back and forth three times before heading into the kitchen. She strode up to the fridge and swung open the door. After spending several seconds staring blankly into the cold machine, she slammed shut the door. And there she stood; awkward, unknowing and anxious. On a quick glance the kitchen appeared spotless, just like it had the first umpteen times she had repeated this process.

Derek's appointment with the lawyer had been that morning, and it was now well after lunch time and he still hadn't shown up. And he had promised to come over when everything was done. And she had been waiting.

She remained still, having no idea what to do to attempt to distract herself. Her hands went down to pull on the hem of her shirt. _Where was he?_ After weeks of staying away from him and the knowledge that she was so close to letting herself be close once more, she just couldn't wait any longer. She needed to be able to look at him, and have him smile his McDreamy smile at her, and have him hold her hand and kiss her and everything else. And she needed to not feel guilty about it anymore. She needed him to hold her while she slept again, because it had been weeks since she had woken up feeling rested. She needed him back in her life.

She smoothed down her hair and was on her way back to the living room when the doorbell rang. She jumped at the sound, her heart racing as she gulped down a breath and walked quickly up to the front door, swinging it open to smile at the sight that awaited her. Derek stood on her doorstep, dressed in a suit, his tie missing and first few buttons undone. His hair was messy and there were dark circles lining his eyes. He looked exhausted.

"Hey," she spoke, pushing open the second door and motioning him to come in. "You look like hell."

He smirked at her, a gleam in his eyes. "Thanks, Meredith, that makes me feel great."

She rolled her eyes and stepped into his warm body, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I just meant that you look tired."

He reciprocated by wrapping his arms around her small frame, breathing in her scent through her hair. "I am tired. It was a long day."

She shifted to come face to face with him and pressed her lips against his. "Well, it's over now," she told him when she pulled back. "Did everything go okay?"

He nodded and kissed again. "Everything went fine, just longer that I expected. Apparently there's more required in divvying up property and belongings that I thought. Although, truthfully, I think the lawyers did it on purpose to make more money."

She laughed and moved her hands up his chest to wrap around his neck, coming to rest in his hair. She pulled him close and kissed him again, deeper than before. He responded eagerly, his tongue immediately seeking entrance to her mouth. He obviously needed to be close to her just as much as she did to him.

"I'm glad it's taken care of," Meredith whispered when they came up for air.

Derek nodded, placing multiple kisses on her lips, cheeks, neck.

"I just can't believe this is happening," she moaned as his kisses began to dip lower.

"Believe it," Derek muttered against her collar bone, his teeth grazing the soft skin as he did so, making her shiver.

"I'm trying to," she told him. "It's just..."

He stopped his downward movements and lifted his head to meet her eyes. "It's just what?"

She tilted her head slightly, avoiding his questioning gaze. "No one has ever picked me before," she admitted quietly.

Derek smiled sadly and hooked a finger under her chin to turn her green eyes back to meet his blue ones. "I can't begin to understand that, Meredith."

Tears shone through her eyes as she smiled at him. "Thank-you."

He smiled the full fledged McDreamy smile, no amount of dark circles or exhaustion decreasing its effect. She melted and pulled her arms tight, forcing a second hug.

"I can't believe it actually happened. You're actually divorced."

Derek tightened his arms around her waist to contribute to the hug. "Well, not yet, but I've been promised that we'll have the new papers by early next week. It's actually happening."

Meredith froze and then pulled back. "What?"

He narrowed his eyes at her, confusion masking his features as he tried to determine her sudden problem. "What?" He finally asked quietly, unsure.

"You didn't get divorced today?"

He shook his head. "No, but-" he was cut off when she violently pulled away from him. He tried to keep her close, but she used her free hands to push off on his chest, forcing him to let go. "Meredith..."

She stepped back. "Don't Meredith me! You told me you were getting a divorce today."

"We had to get some things changed in the papers. That's what we did today. The new copy will be done by early next week. Then I'll sign. And it will be over."

She shook her head. "I've heard all this before, Derek." She crossed her arms over her chest to protect herself. She couldn't believe what he was saying. He had told he had an appointment to get divorced. He had promised to show up afterwards and they would spend the day together. And he had shown up. And he had kissed her and he had started to do other things. Things that were his rules not to do while he was still married.

"This time I mean it. I can't make the process go any faster. I'm sorry." He stepped forward, a hand reaching out to her, but she stepped back, making it perfectly clear she didn't want him to touch her.

Derek stopped his approach, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "Meredith. I'm making this go as fast as I can. We went through everything today. The lawyers need to make their changes. Then I have to read over the new copy and sign. And then it's over. Then I'm all yours. Just another week, okay?"

Meredith blinked back tears and shook her head. "It's not okay, Derek. If you had done this in the first place, it would be over by now. I can't keep waiting for you to decide what you want in life, who you want in life." Her body shuddered under her arms, but she was determined not to cry in front of him. She was absolutely exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and all she had wanted was him. And now...suddenly everything had changed again. She couldn't keep getting her hopes up to get squashed.

He was shaking his head. "I know what I want; I want you, Meredith."

"No, if you really wanted me, you wouldn't have taken so long to decide. You wouldn't have practically ignored me all week." She knew she was being irrational, but she couldn't help it.

"I didn't ignore you..."

"You didn't call me back, many times, Derek."

"I was..."

"And you said you were getting divorced."

"I didn't realize you didn't understand. They couldn't make the changes today..."

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep fighting for something that will never happen. I can't keep putting my life on hold; it's killing me."

"Meredith..." He reached for her.

She shook her head. "No. I can't, Derek. I'm sorry. You need to go."

"No, Meredith, please. You have to understand..."

"I do understand, Derek. I can't do this to myself anymore." She was so tired.

"Meredith," he started, but failed to continue, as if he had nothing else to say.

"Please, please just go." There were tears welling furiously in her eyes, but she refused to let them overflow her lower lids. She would not cry until he was gone and she was safely on her own side of the door.

"I-" He spoke but trailed off and nodded. He walked to the door and pulled it open, turning to face her as he stepped out. "I'm sorry, Meredith, I really am. I'm sorry I hesitated the first time, but it was just... I felt obligated or something, but I don't anymore. I want to move on. With you. I promise."

She swallowed the quickly forming lump in her throat. "I can't keep doing the yoyo thing."

He nodded. "I understand. Can I..." he trailed off. "Will you still be here when I have the papers?"

She closed her eyes. "I don't know. I just don't know."

Derek sighed heavily. "I am sorry, Meredith." And with that he was gone from her doorway, gone from her home.

Gone.

Meredith rushed to push shut the heavy door, and ran to her room, the stairs becoming more and more fuzzy as she climbed higher, ignoring the steady stream of tears flowing down her cheeks. She could still feel the heat from his kisses along her skin. She could still feel pressure from his strong arms supporting her at her waist. She slammed her bedroom door and pulled herself into bed, curling up under the covers, a pillow wrapped tightly in her arms. And she cried.

_**AN: I know, I know. It's a crappy end to this chapter, and I suck for writing it, but just trust me and read the next chapter before you judge too quickly. This needed to happen for the next chapter to happen.**_


	6. jumping off the cliff together

Meredith collapsed onto the bench in the locker room, her head seemingly only held up by her hands, which were only held up by her elbows resting on her knees, which were only stable because she was sitting on the bench. She was tired. Way past exhausted tired, to a point she had never quite reached before. She actually felt like she was walking around in a fog. Life sucked. It had always kind of sucked, but the last three days were much, much worse.

She had spent Wednesday, Thursday, and that morning, throwing herself into her work, barely sleeping and dodging any human interaction she could. She communicated mainly with her resident and any unbiased Attendings or upper year residents she could get herself assigned to. Bailey was obviously curious about her sudden shift from depressed to happy to practically dissociated, but wasn't about to pry. Her friends had been concerned, but apart from a partial explanation to Christina and a few muttered excuses to her roommates, she hadn't talked about what had happened. And as childish as it may be, she found herself dodging around corners and into unoccupied rooms whenever she spotted Derek in the halls. Or Addison for that matter. Bailey had at least seen fit not to place her with either of them, something Meredith felt she would be forever grateful for.

It killed her not to pass him in the halls and be greeted by a warm smile. It killed her not to have their occasional run-ins in the elevator, or quick lunches together, or finding him waiting for her in the lobby at the end of the day even though his shift had ended before hers. She missed him. But she couldn't keep doing the yoyo thing. She couldn't keep letting him convince her everything would be okay, just to have everything blow up in her face again. He asked her to trust him; and his wife had shown up. He told her she had nothing to worry about; and he had hesitated. He had told her he was getting the divorce; and he hadn't.

She sighed. The last one may not actually be his fault, but he hadn't explained. She had clearly believed when he had shown up at her house on Tuesday that he was a free man. And the guilt and the stress and the wondering had faded into the background when he took her in his arms and smiled at her and kissed her. Only to have everything come crashing down on her a hundred fold at his words. He wasn't divorced. It would be another week until he had the papers back. And they had been at that place before. He had had papers in his hands before. And he had told her he was going to sign. And he hadn't. And as much as it killed her, if he couldn't hold true to his promises, she needed to take herself out of the equation. Because the not knowing was killing her.

No one had ever picked her before. No one. Not her father. Not her mother. Not any men in her past. Not any friends in her past. She couldn't keep getting her hopes up when it was inevitable that she was setting herself up for a fall. And she couldn't fall of the cliff by herself. She had been prepared to jump with him, but he hadn't been ready. So she had to step back to avoid falling over alone. Because she couldn't do that. She couldn't be that girl. The girl who swoons over the guy who doesn't want her. That wasn't who she was.

The door opened behind her and Meredith shifted her head sideways in her palms to recognize Izzy's tall form.

"Hey, Meredith," the blond called as she wandered to her locker. "Are you okay? You don't look so good."

Meredith forced herself to sit upright. "I'm fine, Iz, just tired."

Izzy scrounged through her locked until she found what she was looking for. "Are you sure?"

Meredith nodded. "Work's kicking my ass and I'm not sleeping much. Don't worry, just tired."

Izzy held out the energy bar she had pulled from her locker. "You look like you need this more than me..."

Meredith smiled at her roommate, even though the thought of eating one of those bars made her stomach roll in on itself. "No thanks. I'm off, just conserving energy needed to get changed and drive home. Then I'm going to sleep."

"Are you off tomorrow?"

Meredith shook her head. "Nope, but I'm not on till noon, so I get to sleep in."

"Well, that's something. Anyway, I need to get back..."

Meredith nodded. "You're on call tonight, right?" Izzy nodded. "Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yup, bye, Mer." And with that she was out the door, leaving Meredith once again alone in the locker room. She swayed back and forth a few times before ultimately deciding to at least get dressed, then see how she felt about driving home. She had been on since the previous day and would kill to hitch a ride home, but Izzy was on call tonight and George had left hours ago to have a monthly family dinner at his parents. And she had made the mistake of accepting a ride with Christina exactly once. One terrifying ride on the back of Christina's bike had been enough to make Meredith thankful to be alive. She wouldn't be taking her chances again.

Forcing herself to her feet, it only too Meredith two tries to open her lock, before swinging open the door of her locker. She pulled out the clothes she had come to work in and chose to simply change where she was instead of using the bathroom. No one was around and she was quick as she swapped her pale blue scrubs for jeans and green long sleeved tee. She picked up her sneakers and was about to switch them with the shoes resting at the bottom of her locker when she spotted a manila envelope resting beside them. She dropped her sneakers and pulled both the street shoes and envelope out at the same time, collapsing onto the bench as she stared curiously at the item in her hand.

It was a large, legal sized manila envelope, the top not sealed, but tucked into the opening. She fingered it thoughtfully and flipped it over. There was writing on the back.

_'I put some pressure on the lawyers and got the papers updated early. We signed this morning. I'm sorry again about the delay. – Derek'_

Meredith swallowed, her throat going dry, she swallowed again as she reread his writing. Tears formed behind her eyelids as, with shaking hands, she reached to pull the contents out of the envelope. A single, photocopied sheet of paper came out between her fingers. Labelled seventeen of seventeen, it was obviously the final page of the divorce settlement. It had three signatures on it, one of which a witness, the other two were Derek and Addison. And it was dated today.

She sat for several moments, the sheet grasp tightly between her fingers, her eyes unable to believe what they were seeing. It was like her brain was fighting with her eyes, calling them liars. But they weren't. She really was sitting in the locker room, barefoot, holding onto a single sheet of standard paper as if it were her lifeline. It had really happened. He had gotten the divorce. There was no more waiting. No more unfinished promises. He was a free man. And she suddenly felt immensely guilty for her reaction. Her fist came up to her mouth as the tears spilled onto her cheeks. She should feel relief in that moment. She should have been happy and smiling. Derek should have been able to show her this in person. But she had freaked out and told him off, unable to risk one more spin of the yoyo. If she had just been able to hold on a little longer...

Her breathing hitched and she started shaking her head. She couldn't have ruined this. She couldn't actually have ruined her chances. Old Meredith would have, but not new Meredith. Not the Meredith she was trying to become.

"Damn it," she muttered to herself. "Damn it!"

Then she was forcing her feet into her shoes, pulling her coat violently out of her locker and stuffing the document into her pocket. She grabbed her purse and shoved her keys and pager and phone into it before throwing it over her shoulder and slamming her locker door. Suddenly exhaustion didn't matter. It didn't matter one iota. She had to find him.

She hurried down the hall, even choosing to take the stairs in an attempt to save time. She sped through the front lobby and raced into the parking lot, heading for her car, determined to drive out to the trailer. She was almost at her car, arms buried elbow deep in her purse for her keys when she froze, having spotted his car parked just five spots down from hers.

She glanced at her watch. It was after seven. But he was obviously still here. She sighed in relief. If he was here she was closer to him than if he had gone home. She turned and ran back towards the main doors. Racing through the lobby in reverse this time she just managed to catch an elevator on its way up. She stepped out at the surgical floor, pushing through the 'authorized admittance only' door and heading for the OR board. Her eyes scanned quickly, telling her he wasn't in surgery. She checked the gallery. He wasn't there either. That limited her search options. She headed back to the elevator, going up two floors and heading down the hall towards his office. Most of the surrounding offices were dark and vacant, but light shone from the crack around his door.

Meredith froze several steps away, taking deep breaths as her mind raced for something to say to him. Next to 'I'm sorry' she was drawing a blank. She swayed back and forth, her weight shifting from left foot to right foot. Left foot to right foot. Left. Right. She was still drawing a blank. She was Meredith Grey. She wasn't good at this. She had never done this before. She had no experience. No basis on where to start. Only an overwhelming need to fix it.

She scoffed at herself as she played with her fingers, fidgety. "Just knock, Grey," she muttered to herself.

"Talking to yourself, Dr. Grey?" The amused, but highly familiar, voice filtered through her ears and she jumped and spun around to face the man behind her. She hadn't even heard someone approaching her. Derek stood before her, one eyebrow raised. He looked mainly amused, a little concerned and a little tired. He was dressed in streets clothes, a coffee cup in hand.

"D-Derek," she stuttered. "I was just looking for you."

He tilted his head. "Normally I would tell you standing in the hallway talking to yourself was a bad way to find someone, however in this case it was apparently successful, so I'll let it go."

She shook her head. "No, I was going to find you, and then your car was still here, so I came back and you weren't in surgery so I came here and your light was on. But I didn't know what to say, so I was trying to come up with something..."

"Ahh, that explains you racing across the lobby," he told her.

"What?"

He smirked at her. "I was getting coffee and you raced in the front doors and jumped in an elevator."

"I- you were there?"

"You ran right past me."

She sighed. So, she had been an idiot, she had yelled at him, realized it was a huge mistake, gone looking for him and then made an ass out of herself. "I didn't see you."

"Obviously," his words were warm as he motioned that she follow him into his office. She obviously had something to say so he shut the door for privacy, even though he was probably the only Attending still there after hours.

Meredith stood in front of his desk, resuming her awkward shifting of weight as she once again played with her fingers. "I got your envelope," she finally admitted.

Derek nodded. "Okay."

"I was standing outside your office trying to come up with something to say, something to explain..."

Derek shook his head. "Meredith, it's okay. I get it, I wasn't clear and I should have been. You don't need to explain-"

She cut him off. "Yes. Yes, I do need to explain. I need to explain until the cows come home or whatever. I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry. So freaking sorry, which is pretty much as far as I got into my little 'what am I going to say' brainstorming session when you blew my cover. But I really am. Sorry. I just... I freaked out. I was scared and I took it out on you. I was ready to jump, I wanted to jump. With you. But then we couldn't and I freaked out. And I didn't want to fall by myself, so I had to get away from the ledge. I just had to. I'm sorry. I couldn't help. I was just... I couldn't help it. And I'm an idiot. And I screwed up. And I'm sorry. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know the right words to say, Derek. I've never done this before, so I don't know what to say to make you understand. I don't know how to fix it. But I want to. I want to fix it. I want to get back to the edge. And I want us to jump together. And I want to ... and now I'm rambling and you probably have no idea what I'm saying and I'm scaring you. God! Why can't I just be normal, or at least somewhat coherent..." She trailed off and collapsed into the visitor chair on the far side of his desk, her face covered by her hands.

He almost laughed, actually had to put effort into not laughing. "Meredith. Meredith, please look at me," he begged when she refused to look up. She pulled her hands away, revealing a red face and moist eyes that wouldn't meet his. "I like it when you ramble. It's cute. And I completely understand what you were trying to say, even the cliff-metaphor thing. I get it."

"Really?" She met his eyes for the first time.

"Really," he reassured her. "And you don't need to apologize. I should have been clear. And I'm sorry that I made it so you couldn't trust me. I told you many times I was ending it and I didn't. You don't get to apologize for your reaction when I caused it. I didn't give you a reason to trust me."

"I still overreacted," she spoke. "I get to be sorry for that."

He narrowed his eyes. "Fine, I'll grant you overreacting if you grant me being an ass."

A small smile appeared on her lips. "Okay."

He smiled. "Then apology accepted."

"Apology accepted," she repeated, as full smile now appearing as relief spread across her features. Maybe she hadn't ruined everything.

"I'm going to start giving you reasons to trust me again," he told her.

"And I'm going to start trusting you again."

He smiled and stood from his chair, heading around his desk to rest on the other side, leaning against it. "So, this cliff thing?" He questioned.

She nodded, her throat suddenly dry. "Yeah, the cliff thing."

He met her eyes, almost losing himself in their emotional depth. He held out a hand.

Meredith smiled up at him, and took a deep breath, waiting for the plunge. And she took his hand.


	7. Rest

The fog surrounding Derek's mind slowly dissipated as he became aware of his external world for the first time in hours. He was warm. It was light out. He smelled something flowery. And most importantly, there was a warm body wrapped tightly in his arms. He smiled, burying his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent before tilting his head forward in a weak attempt to block the sunlight from filtering into his eyes. Anything to make the moment stretch as long as he could; anything to pretend it wasn't actually morning and they didn't have to get up and face the day yet. This was definitely not a moment he wanted to end.

Meredith's naked back was pressed into his bare chest, her hands resting gently atop his over her abdomen, as if she had fallen asleep clutching him, but had slowly lost grip over the night. Their legs and feet were intertwined; he couldn't begin to discern how and where they crossed each other. They were scrunched together, sharing his side of the bed, her head sharing a pillow with his. The air outside the trailer was cool, but wrapped together underneath the warm comforter; Derek had never been more comfortable.

He lay quietly for many minutes; happy just to feel the slight expansion within his arms with every breath she took, smiling at how every seventh breath was a little deeper than the others. He'd never noticed that before. Before. It seemed like a lifetime since the last time he had woken with her in the same bed, in his arms. But in reality, it had only been a few weeks.

It had only been a few weeks since he had planned to take her to dinner and tell her everything. Only a few weeks since they had promised to sit down and make rules. Only a few weeks since she had approached him in the lobby and he had smiled and helped her with her coat. And it had only been a few weeks since he had looked over her shoulder to spot _her_ approaching them. His blood had run cold as he realized exactly what was about to happen. And with barely enough time to send Meredith a short _a priori_ apology, his new world had come crashing down around him.

The past week few weeks had wreaked havoc on his life, on his sense of self, and on his determination to start over and do what made him happy in his new life in Seattle. He had continually grasped at Meredith, his new life, only to have it slip away every time. And his old life kept push, push, pushing its way to the forefront of his thoughts. He had been racked with uncertainty, second guessing, dilemmas between right and wrong, and an ongoing battle between his heart and his head. He felt like he hadn't had a single moment in the whole time where anything felt quite right, not a single moment of peace and quiet.

But right now, Derek was calm. He was happy and content and comfortable. His heart was celebrating its victory and his head was accepting defeat and conceding that it may actually have been wrong. Because right now, Derek Shepherd felt at peace. There wasn't a single doubt in his mind that this was exactly where he wanted to be. This was the person he wanted to be with. And this was the path he needed to follow in his life. He had no regrets, only hope for the future. It was as if he had been wearing blinders for years, only to have them suddenly removed and he could see all the possibilities around him. It was liberating.

He sighed happily, the excess of air against the back of her neck creating goose bumps as she tensed and stirred briefly in his arms before falling back into a regular pattern of breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Derek smiled, his fingers reaching out blindly, and yet knowingly, for her fingers, capturing them and holding them intimately within his. She stirred once again, her body shifting against his as she adjusted, her hands unconsciously gripping his. Her breathing returned to normal again.

As much as he wanted this moment to last forever, Derek knew they had to get up if she wanted to be on time for her shift. He manoeuvred his head and placed several kisses on the back of her neck, causing her breathing to become less regular. He pulled his left arm out from under her, despite her unconscious protests as she grasped at his hand. Shifting up onto his elbow, he peered over her towards the alarm clock. He was right, they definitely needed to get up soon.

"Meredith," he whispered into her shoulder between kisses. She moaned and her shoulder twitched as she pushed her body closer to him, both hands pulling his arm tighter around her waist as she burrowed her head into the pillow. He leaned further over her, his lips placing gentle kisses on every surface they came to; her clavicle, her neck, up and across her jaw line, over her chin towards her lips.

Stretched as far as he could, he hovered, his lips millimetres from hers. "Meredith," he whispered again, placing a quick kiss down. "We need," kiss, "to get," kiss, "up." Longer kiss. Apparently unable to continue slumbering against his onslaught of affection, she finally gave in and responded to his last kiss, rolling onto her back as she deepened it, her hands releasing his to travel upwards into his hair.

Derek wasted no time in manoeuvring closer to her, revelling in the feeling of his naked chest against hers. He straddled one of her legs, resting most of his weight off of her, one strong arm holding up his upper body, the other running aimlessly up and down her side over the trail of goose bumps it was creating. As her hands left his hair to trail along his back, he reluctantly left her soft lips behind to backtrack down the trail that had led him to her lips.

"I wish I could wake up like this every morning," Meredith whispered happily, her vocals chords vibrating under his lips as he kissed his down her neck.

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed against her clavicle. One hand had returned to his hair, subtly directing his movements.

He felt her head and neck shift slightly towards the alarm clock before returning. "Derek," she groaned. "Derek, we don't have much time."

He shifted his leg up a little higher between hers, laying more weight on her small frame. "I can work with that." He told her, panting, as he took a momentary break between onslaughts of kisses.

She smiled, pulling his head upwards to meet her lips once more. "Are you sure," she questioned when she pulled away.

He smirked down at her. "I'm very efficient. I make full use of my time."

She giggled up at him. "Are you, now?"

"Let me prove it to you," he practically growled into her lips.

"M'kay," was all she managed to utter in response.

000

True to his word, Derek had been very efficient, making_ full_ use of their time that morning, even suggesting they share a shower afterwards to save time. She had laughed at his confident grin, and nodded her head, allowing him to gently drag her into the bathroom. She could still feel his hands roaming over her still tingling body as he ran the bar of soap across her skin.

It wasn't until they had dried and turned to get dressed that she had realized her dilemma. The dilemma that had led to where she was now, rushing to get changed and out of the locker room before her resident realized she was late. Meredith had refused to show up to work in yesterdays clothing, knowing she would take too many hits from her friends. She had rolled her eyes at Derek's joking attempt to offer her his clothes to wear to work. Like that would solve her problem.

So, she had demanded he take her home before the hospital, where she had rushed to her bedroom to throw a fresh outfit on. Okay, well maybe not a _fresh_ outfit, but at least a pair of pants and a top that hadn't been worn more than once and weren't being picked up off her floor. Less than three months in and she already couldn't wait for the year to be over. She could barely remember what free time felt like.

After their brief detour to her house, they had rushed to the hospital and he had dropped her off at the door. He was an attending and had no surgeries scheduled for the day, so was in no hurry to get himself in at any particular time.

The elevator had taken forever to pick her up and drop her off at the surgical floor, and then her locker wouldn't open, and then she couldn't get the knot out of her lace to tie up her left sneaker...

She slammed her door shut and pushed through the locker room door, haphazardly throwing her stethoscope around her neck as she did so. And white coat billowing out behind her, she rushed towards the nurse's station, jumping in behind George and Alex. Bailey was discussing a patient, her eyes downward, focussed on the chart in her hands as she spouted a brief history and presentation. When she looked up, her eyes narrowed as she realized her two interns had become three.

"Grey." She stated.

Meredith forced herself to keep a neutral expression. "What? I was here." Beside her Alex scoffed, and George, true to his heart, tried to make it seem he agreed with her, but in truth, he had a horrible poker face.

Dr. Bailey glared at her. "Repeat the patient's history," she demanded.

"Fifty-six year old male, family history of high blood pressure, was in for bypass surgery with Dr. Burke two weeks ago. He was discharged last week, but was re-admitted when a follow up showed redness around the incision, fever and high white count. Post op infection," she concluded.

"Treatment?"

"Start with broad spectrum antibiotics."

Bailey examined her closely, not trying to hide the calculating expression on her face. She didn't like being wrong. "Patient's name?"

Meredith flinched. If only she'd been a few seconds sooner. "Okay, maybe I wasn't here for that part..."

"That's what I thought." Bailey handed the chart to Alex before turning her attention back to Meredith. "Pit. You go with her, O'Malley."

"Of course, Dr. Bailey," George spoke as their resident turned on her heel and was seemingly swept away down the hall.

"That could have gone a lot worse," Meredith spoke as she and George walked together to the elevator.

"You're lucky you showed up when you did, or it would have been a lot worse," George commented. "Why were you late, anyway?"

"Oh, I was just... running behind," she told him as the elevator opened up in front of them. "I slept late." She added, hoping it would explain to him why he hadn't seen her around the house that morning.

"Oh," he answered. "That's nice. I was up at seven-thirty," he rolled his eyes. "I ended up crashing at my parent's last night. My mom had this little break down about 'all her little babies growing up too fast.'" He spoke in a high-pitched, somewhat feminine sounding tone, obviously supposed to be his mother's.

Meredith laughed. "She sucked you in again, huh?" George hadn't returned the night of his last monthly dinner either.

"Don't even get me started," he muttered. "It's unbelievable. I'm twenty-seven years old and I cannot say no to my mother."

Meredith laughed again. "I don't know what to tell ya, George. Except, maybe keep the momma's boy stuff under-wrap when meeting any potential women."

He glared at her. "I am not a momma's boy."

"Suuuuurrrrre," she responded, stretching out the word.

"I'm not!" George exclaimed as the elevator doors opened into the main floor.

Meredith shook her head at him, turning to exit the elevator, only to come face to face with a certain dreamy neurosurgeon. And the face that he was carrying two cups of coffee made him even more dreamy.

"Hey," she greeted him happily. George chiming in his own, more professional, greeting.

"Hey," he smiled at her. "That was easier than I thought. Apparently we're good at finding each other lately," he said, referring to the previous night. He handed her a coffee. "This is for you."

"Thanks," she told him gratefully. She obviously hadn't had time during her dash for the locker room for necessities like coffee. She closed her hands over the warm cup happily.

"Not a problem," he said, smiling brightly at her. "Well, I have paperwork that won't do itself."

She giggled. "Have fun with that, I'm off to the pit."

"Have fun with _that_." And before she could protest, he ducked in, placed a warm kiss on her cheek and disappeared into the waiting elevator with barely a "see you later."

She smiled and shook her head, only glancing around once for watchful eyes. And the only ones she found belonged to her roommate. George, who had waited at a distance to give them some privacy, was staring at her, one eyebrow raised.

She clenched her fingers around her warm gift. "Shut up," she hissed at him as she turned towards the pit.

George fell into step beside her. "I didn't say anything!" He protested.

She rolled her eyes. "But you were thinking it."

"I was not- Okay, maybe I was," he admitted. "But only a little."

She turned her head for a step or two to roll her eyes at him.

"I only want to look out for you," he continued. "I don't want to see you hurt again."

She sighed, grateful for George's quiet protectiveness. "The divorce was finalized yesterday," she told him quietly.

He looked surprised. "Then why were you all mopey last week?"

"I was just... I freaked out and overreacted and... freaked out," she continued lamely. "The point is, he was stupid, I was stupid, but it doesn't matter anymore. Cause we're sorting everything out, we talked, and he's divorced."

George examined her for several seconds as they continued down the hall. "Maybe it's a good thing I didn't come home last night," he finally said, a smile playing across his boyish features. "At least I got some sleep at my parents."

She inadvertently felt her cheeks redden, but couldn't help the smile that came to her face at the mere thought of the night before. They had celebrated their reconciliation well into the night. And she wasn't even going to mention to George that they had stayed at the trailer. "George," she hissed.

He laughed. "What? I had to get you back somehow. You called me a mamma's boy!"

She rolled her eyes and laughed at his antics. "Fine. But no talking about either thing to anyone else, okay?"

They had reached the doors to the pit. He nodded. "It's a pact." He held out a fist.

"A pact," she repeated, knocking her knuckles against his.


	8. The rules talk

"More wine?" Derek asked, and tilted his head towards the bottle sitting off to the side of the small, round dining table.

Meredith smiled across the table at him as she swallowed her bite of steak and shook her head. "I'm good, thanks." She sighed happily as Derek smiled warmly at her just for the sake of doing so. It may be several weeks later than originally planned, but they were finally having their rule making dinner.

"What time are you on tomorrow?"

"Uh, nine, I think," she told him. "You?"

"I have a surgery at eight." He laughed; it was very rare that he was scheduled to be in before her. "I need to head in around seven. And, if you let me stay with you tonight, I promise I'll be super quiet when I leave..." He smiled sweetly at her, his eyes sparkling as he tilted his head to the side.

She giggled at his behaviour. "Like you've ever asked to stay at my place," she muttered.

He pretended to be hurt. "I always ask."

"You do not."

"Fine," he conceded. "Then I'm turning over a new leaf."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Well?" He prompted.

"Well, what?"

"Are you going to answer my question?"

"You never asked a question." She countered.

"I asked if I could stay over tonight, remember, the whole turning over a new leaf thing?"

She laughed. "You told me you were turning over a new leaf, Derek. You never actually asked the question."

He narrowed his eyes as he regarded her, obviously realizing he had been caught, but also debating whether or not to argue. He sighed. "Meredith, if I promise to be very, very quiet when I leave in the morning, can I stay at your place tonight?"

She rolled her eyes again at his antics. "Of course, but don't worry about being quiet. I'll go in with you."

His joking expression suddenly turned more serious. "We're talking an extra two hours of sleep here, Meredith."

"I know, but..." She trailed off. It had been two weeks since she and Derek had stepped off their metaphorical cliff together and she had never been happier. Other than mornings where she had been on-call the night before, they commuted together almost every day. And she loved it. She absolutely loved it. "I just want to. Plus, you come in early with me all the time."

He smirked at her. "Okay. Just don't try to kill me in the morning."

"I promise I won't."

"Good, cause I don't want to be pummelled by those tiny, ineffectual fists."

She laughed despite herself, even as she reached across the table to take a swipe at his much larger hands.

He didn't respond quickly enough to avoid the initial impact, but did manage to grab her hand in his before she could return it safely to her side of the table. She only fought his grip for a moment before relaxing her fingers as he threaded them with his own. She couldn't fight him when he was smiling his McDreamy smile across the table at her.

"So," she began. "How do we go about the whole rules thing?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean, do we actually make rules? Or are there like universal rules that we just have to agree to go by? Are there other rules than the whole exclusivity thing? Because that was the whole issue that started this rules thing in the first place. Or is it just supposed to be silently accepted and I'm ruining it by asking?" She took in his amused expression as she spoke. "Hey! Don't mock me. Let me remind you for the hundredth time that I'm horrible at this. And I've never done it before. And unless you want to buy me a manual or something, you need to give me a little more guidance for a while."

"You're not horrible at this, Meredith. And I'm sorry for mocking; you're just so cute when you ramble." He squeezed her hand. "And there's no manual, it's just life. And it's different for everyone. We get to decide together how to handle these things."

"So before making rules together, we need to make rules on how to make rules?"

"Now who's mocking?"

She laughed.

He shook his head at her, his deep blue eyes sparkling brightly. "Anyway, back to what I was saying before I was so rudely cut off. We can discuss as little or as much as we want."

"Okay, so I assume we agree on the whole exclusive thing?"

Derek nodded. "Absolutely."

"What else is there?"

"Well," he started, his cheeks suddenly taking on a slightly redder tone as he very subtly avoided her eyes.

"What?" She leaned forward and squeezed his hand, suddenly curious.

"Well, I guess... I mean it's been a long time since I've done this, but... there could be a discussion about terms..."

Meredith scrunched her forehead. "Terms?"

"Yeah, you know, terms for each other..."

She tilted her head slightly as she struggled to interpret his odd behaviour. It almost reminded her of...

Meredith laughed out loud before she could stop herself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she repeated as she tried to regain control of her breathing. "Derek. Is this like public school? Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?"

She swore he reddened deeper. "I just said we could discuss it if we wanted to..."

She was still laughing lightly as she smiled warmly at him. "I'd love to be your girlfriend, Derek. I actually kind of assumed I already was, but I guess that's the whole point of discussing things..."

"Exactly. It's important to discuss."

Meredith started laughing again. "Whatever, I still can't believe you asked me to be your girlfriend..."

"Shut up," he pleaded, but it just made her laugh more.

He released her hand, sitting back to mock glare at her. Meredith forced herself to sober.

"Derek," she pleaded, opening the palm of her hand, which was still sitting on the table near him. "I'm sorry. Okay, I'm not really _sorry,_ but I'll stop."

He narrowed his eyes at her and made a show of sighing and returning his hand to hers. "Fine."

"Derek?" She questioned, keeping a straight a face as possible.

"Yeah?"

Her smile broke through again. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

He huffed at her and tried to drop her hand again, but she was ready this time and held on tight.

Derek sighed contentedly as he lazily ran his fingers through the mess of dirty blonde hair strewn across his chest. He could feel Meredith's even breathing, every exhale meeting the bare skin right above his sternum. Her hand had stopped its wanderings around the far side of his chest, as its owner was dozing.

A glance at the alarm clock told him it was getting late, but still wasn't too late to lay awake a little longer. In the past he had hated being awake any longer than necessary, but these days he found himself revelling in these moments; simply being able to hold her as she slept in his arms. Now he wanted to stay awake. He wanted to experience this.

His hand ran down her hair to her back, his fingers recognizing the slight bumps in her usually smooth skin as goose bumps. The heat from their earlier activities had dispersed as the sweat had evaporated. Derek hadn't even realized he was cold until he had realized she was cold. He reached down for the sheet that was resting along his waist line, but realized quickly that they would need the blanket as well. The blanket that had been kicked off during their earlier activities.

He sighed and placed a kiss on her head as he carefully disentangled their legs. She muttered something in her sleep, her arm shooting out to wrap around his upper torso in response. He smiled at her unconscious efforts to stay so close to him, even as he tried to gently pry her fingers away from him.

"Meredith," he whispered. "You need to let go for a second."

She groaned and buried her face into his chest.

"Come on, I'll be right back. I promise." He pulled her arm up, off of him and tried to discreetly slide out from under her.

"Whereyougoin?" She mumbled with some coherence that usually pointed to the fact that she was awake.

"Sorry I woke you up. I'll just be a second."

"M'kay," She responded sleepily, fully releasing him as he stood and made his way around the bed in the dark, searching out the blanket.

Meredith wrapped the sheet tighter around her body as his absence suddenly made her realize the temperature. "It's cold," she spoke aloud as she propped herself up on an elbow.

"I noticed," Derek said from the other side of the bed, right as he draped the blanket down on top of the bed, covering her.

"Mmm," she mumbled in content as she steeled herself back down. "Smart man."

Derek smirked as he tucked himself in behind her. "I do my best," he told her as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back against his chest.

"I'm all warm now."

"Good. Go back to sleep." He took a deep breath and laced his fingers through hers.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"You're on my side."

"What?"

"You're on my side of the bed."

"So?"

"It's just weird. We've never slept like this before. You're on my side. I'm on your side."

He smiled into her hair. "I have a side?"

"Of course," she replied sleepily. "You always sleep on that side. Thus, you have a side in my bed. I guess its one of those rule things we're supposed to discuss..."

He chuckled. "I like having a side in your bed."

"Me too."

He smiled. "And you have a side in my bed."

"Good."

"Good," he repeated, propping himself up enough to reach his head over beside hers. He rested his cheek along hers and sighed happily.

Her fingers closed tightly around his as she snuggled her body closer. And suddenly he couldn't not tell her. They had already said it to each other, but as staggered admissions, and only once. He had been planning on waiting until she was more comfortable in the relationship to make it a more regular occurrence, but he just needed to say it.

"I love you, Meredith," he whispered, and his heart only took two beats as it waited for her reply.

"I love you too, Derek, so much." Her voice was groggy, but her words were more than a simple repetition of his.

Derek closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he turned his head to place a kiss on her cheek and returned his position to behind her. His forehead came to rest against the back of her head and his right arm snaked under her to join the mass of fingers intertwined over her abdomen. Her breath evened out in his arms and she was soon fast asleep. Derek inhaled the addictive smell of her hair and exhaled happily, resting his head down and allowing himself to drift off into peaceful sleep.


	9. No regrets

Meredith grumbled into the pillow, ignoring the prodding hand on her back as she tried to bury herself into the mattress. She wrapped the covers tightly around herself and stilled.

"Meredith," Derek's voice broke through the barrier of the comforter over her head. The hand still resting on her back moved gently back and forth between her shoulder blades. She ignored him, just as she had ignored him when the alarm had gone off some time ago.

The bed shifted as he lowered his weight down beside her. He lifted the blanket off of her head and slipped his hand back down onto her bare back, snaking his fingers up and down her spine. She could feel his breath against her cheek for several moments before he leaned closer and kissed every inch on face that wasn't buried in the pillow.

"Meredith," he whispered again, his lips rubbing against her ear as he spoke. He kissed her again, right below the ear.

She grumbled into the pillow before tilting her head enough to clear her lips of the obstruction so she could speak legibly. "Whatimesssit?"

His lips met hers three times before he replied. "Six thirty."

She groaned.

He kissed her again and laughed. "I told you that you don't have to come in with me. Why don't I let you get back to sleep and I'll see you after I get out of surgery?"

Meredith smiled despite herself, finally cracking her eyes open. She slowly unclenched her fingers from the fistful of pillow she was holding and snaked her hand across the mattress to grab a hold of the collar of the thin shirt he had pulled on after his shower. She closed her fingers around the thin cotton and smiled as his lips met hers once again. His hand was still running up and down her spine. "No," she mumbled after he broke the kiss. "I want to go in with you."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded as she rolled over. "Mmm-hmm."

Derek deftly rolled with her, coming to rest with his upper body over top of her. He pecked along her jaw line, and then down her neck. His still damp hair flittered along her cheek as his lips found her clavicle. "We have to leave soon," he whispered into her chest.

"I know." Meredith sighed, running her fingers through his wet hair. She didn't make any move to actually get up.

"You're not being very convincing," Derek told her, pulling away far enough to look her in the eyes, his deep blue iris's twinkling.

"Give me a break. It's early," she swiped her free hand jokingly across his chest.

He deftly caught her hand, threading his fingers through hers as he held her hand between them. "Hey, you agreed not to beat me with your ineffectual fists."

She laughed under him as she squeezed his hand. "Sorry, I forgot," she muttered sarcastically.

He smiled and tilted his head. "Are you sure you want to come in early?" He asked again.

She met his eyes easily and nodded. "Of course."

He smirked. "But you're not making any move to actually get up..."

"I can't," she whispered.

He grinned conspiratorially and leaned in close, his lips only millimetres from hers. "Why not?" He breathed.

It was her turn to smirk. "Because you're on top of me."

He huffed and rolled his eyes as he released her hand and pulled away. She squeaked quietly at the sudden removal of warmth surrounding her. She tried to pull him back to her, but he was already out of arm's reach. Meredith met his scheming eyes, and followed their gaze down to the bed only a split second too late. She realized what he was going to do just as he was already yanking the covers off of her, leaving her hands grasping for a fistful of comforter as they whipped over her body, but she was too late. With the rush of cold, early morning air spilling across her exposed body, she jumped off the bed, her tiny ineffectual fists aiming for Derek' s unsuspecting chest.

"Hey!" He struggled to catch her small hands in his much larger ones. "You promised not to beat me," he hissed.

She briefly fought the lose grip he kept on her hands before glaring up into his eyes. "No, I promised not to beat you for getting me up early. I never promised not to beat you for doing that!"

He laughed, releasing her hands and pulling her cold body into the warmth of his chest. "It was the only option I saw at the time."

She scoffed at his words, but allowed his arms to guide her close to him. "You're an ass," she mumbled.

"Only sometime," was his answer. "But seriously, I have to leave in twenty minutes now."

She sighed and pulled away. "Okay, I'll go have a shower while you're doing your hair," she joked. She pulled a towel out of her drawers and wrapped it around her body.

"I do not take that long to do my hair," he hissed as she was stepping out the door towards the bathroom.

"Suuuure," she responded right before she closed the door behind her, effectively cutting off any response he offered. She had a quick shower and dried her hair. Upon returning to her room she found it vacated, so she pulled a pair of jeans and a clean top, grabbed her phone and pager from her bedside table and made her way down stairs, just in time to meet Derek coming out of the kitchen.

"Here you go," he handed her a cup of coffee.

"Ah, that's why I have you around," she joked, dipping her nose to take in the delicious aroma billowing out of the travel mug.

"Hey, I have other more impressive talents." He raised an eyebrow.

She smirked. "Do I get to discover them any time soon?"

He stood stock still for several moments before scoffing as he strode past her, keys jingling as he pulled them out of his pocket. Meredith laughed as she shoved her feet into her shoes and followed behind him, knowing she had won that round, because he obviously couldn't even respond to her words.

0000

Meredith yawned. It was early afternoon and the day was starting to catch up with her. She had kept herself busy in the pit that morning until her shift had been scheduled to begin. However, an emergency had come in for Dr. Bailey, which meant she and her fellow interns had been dispersed to a number of lowly jobs for the day. Meredith had spent another few hours in the pit and then had delivered labs. She had caught a short lunch with George and Izzy, and then it was back to charts. She was currently leaning up against the nurse's station, charts strewn out in front of her as she scribbled post op notes for all of Bailey's current patients.

She felt a familiar presence beside her and turned to find her best friend leaning against the counter beside her, complete with her own set up charts.

"I _hate_ grunt work," Cristina muttered, momentarily collapsing her head onto the charts and sighing.

"Tell me about," Meredith muttered, yawning again. "It's exhausting. I'm exhausted."

"You want to grab a coffee? I need to wake up. Bailey's got a surgery scheduled later, and I need to look more alert if I'm going to get her to let me scrub in."

Meredith laughed. "Sure."

The exhausted interns scooped up their charts and made their way down to the coffee cart in the main lobby of the surgical wing. It was relatively quiet, so they decided to take a well deserved break, and crashed in the empty back seats of the waiting room.

"Urgh," Meredith moaned. "How do family members stand sitting in these chairs for hours? They're rock hard."

Cristina shrugged. "The way I see it, it's all a big ploy to force them to head to the cafeteria and eat hospital food."

Meredith laughed. "You may have something there." She sobered and inhaled the fresh scent of coffee wafting out of her cup. "So, how's it going with Burke?"

Cristina scowled. "Weird. It's weird. He's all... weird. Wants to know things. Asks a lot of questions. Wants my home number." She shrugged. "And everyone knows. I still hate that everyone knows. I feel so..."

"Scrutinized?" Meredith supplied.

Cristina nodded. "Exactly. It sucks."

Meredith laughed. "It does, but I guess it's worth it. And it's dying down now, although I guess you and Burke weren't quite the scandal I created."

Cristina nodded. "Nope, but if it turns out Burke has a secret wife, I'll create a much larger scandal when I kill him with my bare hands."

"Good to know."

"So, how is it going?" Cristina ventured. "With McDreamy and everything."

"Good. I think."

"You think?"

"Well, I've never done this before. But it feels like it's going good. We talk, well we've only really talked once about important things, but it was okay. And we talk about other things a lot. And I feel really... happy. It's new, but it's nice. It's making the staring and the gossip stand-able."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "I was actually starting to like you, and now he's gone and made you into a pod person."

"I am not a pod person! I am entitled to have something good happen in my life for once..." Meredith trailed off as she realized Cristina's eyes were caught on something behind her. She turned her head to find the object of her friend's attention only to glimpse the back of a tall, elegantly dressed figure stride through the lobby and into an open elevator. A tall, elegantly dressed figure with red hair.

Meredith watched until the elevator doors dinged shut before turning back to her friend. "Was that...?"

Cristina pursed her lips. "I think so."

"Is she...? Why is she here?" Meredith stuttered. She hadn't seen Addison since the stressful week she and Derek had been meeting with the lawyers. Derek had told her Addison was headed back to New York.

Cristina shook her head. "Maybe you spoke up about the happiness thing too soon."

"But..." Meredith trailed off, her throat suddenly dry. Derek had told her Addison was leaving. He had told her. And she had believed him. Because they weren't going to have any secrets anymore. They had jumped off the cliff. They were making rules. They were supposed to be happy.

"I need to go," she muttered as she scooped up her charts in one arm, her coffee cup clenched tightly in the fingers of the other arm. She made her way across the lobby and up the elevator. The second she stepped out on the floor she felt like everyone was staring at her a hundred fold from that morning. Derek's name had been wiped off the surgery board, so she headed up the stairs to his office, hoping to cut him off there.

The door marked _Dr. Derek Shepherd, Head of Neurosurgery_, was half open, but she still knocked hesitantly as she paused in his doorway, suddenly horribly unsure of her place in his life. The door suddenly swung all the way open, leaving her without anything to hide behind.

"Hey!" He said cheerfully. "I'm sorry I missed lunch. We had some complications in surgery, but I got it under control eventually," he said, half turned away from her as he searched through the top drawer of his desk. "I'm just going to grab something to eat. Do you have time to join me?" He extracted a twenty dollar bill from the mess in his drawer, and turned back to her, his expression quickly changing into one of concern. "What's wrong?"

Meredith hesitated. She was overwhelmed, way in over her head. She didn't do this. She didn't know how to do this. They had only been officially in a relationship for a few weeks now, and they had made rules, and they were saying important things. But his ex-wife suddenly showing up threw her for a loop. "I, uh," she started, clutching her charts tightly to her chest. "I saw Addison."

Derek's eyebrows scrunched towards each other. "What? Where?"

"Downstairs. In the lobby."

"Today?"

"Just now." Meredith paused. "I thought she was going back to New York."

"Yeah, me too," Derek nodded, his expression thoughtful as he stared off above her right shoulder.

"Yeah..." Meredith said, not knowing what else to add to her part of the conversation. Her knuckles were growing white around the edge of the charts.

Derek sighed and brought his eyes back over to meet hers, starting suddenly as if realizing something. "You do realize I have nothing to do with this, right?"

Meredith hesitated. "Okay," she finally said, looking away from his eyes.

"Oh, Meredith," he sighed and stepped forward, taking the untouched cup from her hands and gently forcing the charts from her arms. He placed them on the desk behind him and quickly pulled her into a tight embrace. "I promise you that I have no idea why she's here. She told me she was going home."

The integrity in his voice caused Meredith to relax in his arms. She wrapped her arms loosely around him. "Okay," she said again, although this time actually meaning it.

Derek pulled back far enough to look her in the eye. "Are you really okay?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. I just... I guess I overreacted. I'm not good at this," she told him, feeling like she was starting to sound like a broken record. "I just... I mean you two have a lot of history..."

Derek shook his head. "You don't ever need to think that again, Meredith. I screwed up, and I'm sorry for that. It was never a choice, between the two of you. I got caught up thinking about obligations and things. Whenever I just stopped and thought about what _I_ wanted...well, you were there every time. I love _you_, Meredith. I want to be with _you_."

"No regrets?" Meredith asked quietly.

He smiled his McDreamy smile and her heart melted. "No regrets."


	10. Savy & Weiss part 1

Derek felt the beginnings of a headache as he strode through the halls of the hospital after his argument with the chief. He couldn't believe it. He had accepted a job offer, sold his practice and moved across the country to get away from Addison; and the chief, the same chief who had called him up months ago and asked for a favour, had offered his ex-wife a contract. The same ex-wife he had moved across the country to avoid.

_It was nothing personal, Shep. She'll be good for the hospital._ His former mentor's words still floated through his brain. It sure as hell felt personal. He still couldn't look at Addison without feeling bile rise in his throat at the memory of his wife and his best friend in bed together. And he was trying to start over. He had a new, smaller, home and a new job that he was quickly discovering he was made for, and he had a wonderful new woman in his life. A woman whom he loved and was pretty sure he would one day build a life with. But he was suddenly horribly apprehensive about the prospect of building towards that life with his ex-wife right there. All the time. Her presence infiltrating his every move and plan. And he knew it would be harder on Meredith. As happy as she said she was, he knew she still felt guilty.

They had found out two days before that Addison had officially moved to Seattle. Meredith and Cristina had caught her on her way up to sign her new contract. And Derek hadn't been able to get a word with the Chief until that morning. And by then there had been a lot of words. A lot of very loud, very angry, words.

Derek sighed. He hadn't been able to spend a lot of time with Meredith in the past two days; they had both been swamped with patients, but she seemed to be dealing with it okay. But every time he saw that shimmer of uncertainty in her eyes he felt his heart constrict. He had done that to her. He had lied to her and made her unsure. He did his best to reassure her every time that look reared its head, but he was terrified it would get to be too much for her and there would be nothing he could do. And he would lose her. He was determined not to let it happen, but the idea of losing her plagued his mind.

He needed more time to show her he wasn't the man he had been when they had first been together. He didn't lie and he definitely didn't keep big secrets like secret wives. Derek still couldn't quite believe what he had done. He still couldn't grasp the process that led him from being the good guy to the guy who starts a relationship and fails to tell the woman about his wife. He wasn't _that_ guy.

He sighed again and checked his watch. Meredith was scheduled to be in surgery all morning; a reward from her resident who was impressed to hear her intern had shown up two hours prior to her shift and instead of reading up on the day's charts to get a leg up on the competition, had busied herself in the pit. So, at least some good was coming out of their relationship for her right now.

Derek didn't have anything scheduled that day, but had a few patients he needed to check on, so he made a bee line for the main nurses' station. He had just reached the stairs to take him down to the main floor when a familiar figure arguing with the nurse behind the desk caught his attention.

"Weiss?" He called out as he hurried down the stairs towards the friend he hadn't seen in months.

"Derek!" Weiss called upwards, relief evident in his voice as Derek reached the floor. "I've been looking for you."

"Good to see you," Derek greeted, extending his hand and pulling Weiss in for a 'man hug.' "What brings you to Seattle?"

Weiss sighed, and Derek immediately took note of the worry and exhaustion cloaking his friend's features. "It's Sav," he said quietly.

Derek tilted his head as worry suddenly flooded his mind. "Come on," Derek motioned for Weiss to follow him to a more private place to talk. Derek led him to a small break room and sat at the table, motioning for Weiss to follow suit. "What's going on?" He prompted.

"A month ago her mother died. Ovarian cancer."

Derek felt his heart drop at Weiss's words. "Catherine died?" He had known Weiss and Sav since college, and Catherine had been the overprotective mother that visited her daughter too much, and had practically adopted all of Sav's friends in the process. He lost count of the number of times she had taken the whole group out to dinner, or listened to them rant about their school work and love lives. "I'm sorry," he offered, knowing it wouldn't help Weiss, whose mother had left when he was very young. Catherine had been like a mother to him since long before he and Sav had tied the knot.

"And Savy... she's..." Weiss continued, visibly upset. "Well," he sighed. "You know how close they were. Now all she can think about is this breast and ovarian cancer gene."

Derek's breath caught as he suddenly felt he knew where the conversation was headed. "Broca," Derek added, as if keeping the conversation medical would keep him from remembering it was associated with people he cared about.

"She's scared, Derek." Weiss told him quietly. "I've never seen her like this before. She won't listen to reason. She won't even slow down enough to..." he trailed off. "She tested positive and is willing to do whatever she can to avoid ever getting cancer."

Derek hesitated before speaking. "With the positive allele, she has a fifteen percent chance of not developing cancer. There's only one way to make that one hundred percent."

Weiss nodded. "Why do you think she came to see Addy?"

"Damn..." Derek muttered.

"I just don't know what to do, Derek. This is all happening too fast. She won't listen to me. She won't listen to anyone." He paused for a moment, drawing in deep, shaky breaths before continuing quietly. "We were trying to make a baby."

Derek sighed. "I'm so sorry, Weiss."

"Will you talk to her?" Weiss questioned. "She said she was going to meet with Addy. And I know you two probably aren't on speaking terms, but will you come and talk to Sav? I need..." he trailed off as his emotions got the better of him.

Derek nodded, motioning that Weiss didn't need to continue. "Of course I will. I need to check on a few patients, but I'll track you down."

Weiss looked up and nodded, tears just lining his eyes. "Thanks."

0000

Derek was just returning his charts to the nurse's station when he felt a familiar presence beside him. He turned and smiled at his girlfriend, leaning in for a quick kiss. He pulled back and tilted his head, smiling gently at her as his fingers ran up her face to touch the fabric covering a section of her forehead. "Hello Kitty?" He asked. "I like it. Very pink. Very cheerful."

"Shut up," Meredith told him, pulling his hand away from her face. "I have a thing," she muttered.

Derek allowed his hand to be pulled away, but refused to let go of the contact. He squeezed her hand gently. "A thing?" He questioned.

Meredith sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah... a pimple thing..."

Derek couldn't help the smile that flitted across his face. His face and lips scrunched together as he tried not to laugh.

"Shut up!" She hissed at him, dragging him away from the nurses' station to a quieter hallway.

"I didn't say anything."

"But you were thinking it."

He shook his head, taking advantage of the sudden privacy to lean in for a longer kiss. He smiled into her lips as she responded. "Hi," he offered when he pulled back. He had been on call late the past night and she had been in early that morning, so they hadn't seen each other since the end of her shift the day before.

"Hi," she responded, smiling at him. Then it was her turn to tilt her as she look at him in concern. "You look stressed. Did you get in to see the Chief?"

Derek shook his head as the memory that his ex-wife was now on full time staff came rushing back. "Yeah. A lot of good it did. If I hadn't taken an oath to save lives, I could have killed Richard with my bare hands."

Meredith rolled her eyes good naturedly. "I take it the rumours are true?" She asked quietly, and Derek felt his heart constrict at the brave front she was obviously trying to put up. He'd known her three months and he could already read her pretty well; either that or she let him.

He nodded. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. She's already signed the contract. There's nothing I can do."

She shrugged, looking away from his eyes. "It's not your fault."

He squeezed her hand tightly, and used his other hand to cup her face. "Maybe not, but I feel horrible about it. It's my fault you're going through this."

Meredith wrapped her small fingers around the hand resting against her cheek and sighed as she met his gaze once again. "It's not your fault," she repeated. "And _we're _going through this. Not just me." She paused as she swallowed hard. "It'll be okay, right? I mean, it'll be a little awkward or whatever, but we'll get through it?"

She was dropping some of her barriers, allowing him to see her vulnerabilities; and there was no way he was going to let the opportunity pass without making her believe they had a chance. "Of course. She's just here for work. Nothing more. And she may be getting some perverse pleasure out of making our lives difficult, but she's not a bad person, Mer. She won't actively interfere."

Meredith nodded, but her eyes shifted away from his just slightly, and he could feel her tense just so. She was holding something back.

He sighed gently and nodded upwards, smiling as he tried to put her at ease before the walls came back up and he was effectively shut out for the time being. "What?" He asked softly.

She took a long breath, obviously contemplating her next words. "So, I don't have anything to worry about?" She finally asked, her voice quiet and vulnerable.

Derek felt his heart constrict more than before as he stared into the wide eyes of the woman he loved. He shook his head and squeezed her hand again. "Absolutely not," he said firmly. "I'm in love with you, Meredith. Addison and I weren't happy for years. I love you," he repeated. "She's only here for work and we're going to make this work," he told her, hoping his words had more effect on her than they were currently having on himself. As much as he wanted to believe that Addison would never actively interfere, he was constantly reminded that he had never believed she could cheat on him. And that belief had been shattered the day he came home to find her naked, lying underneath Mark in their bed, screaming his best friend's name. The woman had done enough damage to him, why couldn't she just bow out of his life and finally let him be happy?

"Okay," Meredith answered, pulling him from his thoughts. Her voice was not certain, but more confident than before.

"I am sorry," he repeated.

"I know." She nodded her head. "But it will be okay. We'll be okay."

Derek smiled, knowing she was trying to convince herself as she spoke the words, but grateful for them. "We'll be great," he added, and was rewarded when she smiled.

"Cause we did the cliff jumping thing," she whispered.

"Yeah. We did," he said, a warm smile coming to his lips at the memory of her taking his hand, her nimble fingers wrapping tightly around his larger ones. Then he was pulling her into his arms, unable to have her so far away from him any longer. She fell easily into the embrace, her arms wrapping tightly around him as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"You're still tense," she spoke after several moments.

He pulled back, offering her what he hoped to be a comforting smile. "Yeah, one of my friends from New York showed up this morning. He and his wife are here to see Addison."

Meredith narrowed her eyes slightly. "Is everything okay?"

Derek shook his head. "Not really. Her mother died recently. Cancer. Savy tested positive for Broca."

Meredith nodded. "Okay, but that doesn't mean she's going to get cancer..."

Derek nodded. "I know, and Weiss knows, but apparently Sav won't accept that. Her mother just died... and if I remember correctly her cousin is sick. She wants more than anything not to die the way her mom did."

Meredith took a breath. "And she's here to see Addison..."

Derek nodded, knowing Meredith had caught on. "Yeah. Yeah, she is."

"I'm sorry, Derek." She offered, obviously not knowing what else to say.

"Thanks," Derek told her, glancing quickly at his watch. "Look, Savy's meeting with Addy, and Weiss asked me to sit in..." He trailed off, suddenly realizing what sitting in on a meeting with Addison may mean to Meredith.

"Okay," Meredith responded.

"Are you sure?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. You need to be there for your friends. You can't not be there just because Addison scares me. This is where the whole separation of personal and professional lives thing is required."

Derek smiled gently at her words. "Okay. Thank-you for being okay." He leaned in for a quick kiss. "You have nothing to worry about," he told her again as he pulled back.

"I know," she said nodding. Then she rolled her eyes at his look. "Okay, I don't _know._ But I will soon. I'm getting to know."

Derek felt a rush of gratitude at just how hard she was trying. "Good," he said quietly. "I'm glad you're getting to know. Cause it's the truth."

"Okay."

"Okay." He sighed. "I should go."

She nodded. "Yeah, me too. Bailey said I could scrub in with her again this afternoon, so I better not piss her off."

Derek had to laugh at her words. "Nope. You wouldn't want that."

"So, I'll catch up with you later?"

He nodded. "Maybe we could have dinner, if you're off on time?"

Her eyes flicked upwards as she thought for a moment. "I'm on pretty late, but may be off in time for a quick bite."

He smirked. "Or we could skip dinner and go straight for dessert..." He raised an eyebrow.

She laughed in full at his antics and his heart swelled at the sound. "We'll see," she told him and shook her head playfully before she turned and headed down the hall.


	11. Savy & Weiss part 2

"...which gives her up to an eighty-five percent chance of getting cancer," was the first thing Derek heard as he stepped around Izzy and into the conference room holding his ex-wife and two close friends.

"And a fifteen percent chance she won't," he cut in, ignoring Addison's protests as he walked around the table to greet Savy.

"What are you doing here?" His ex-wife demanded.

"Weiss asked me to come," he hissed back at her, his eyes challenging her to protest. She stayed silent and he smiled at the small victory before planting a kiss on Savy's head.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Savy told him as he sat next to her. "Cause I love you and I'm really glad to see you, but until you grow a uterus and watch your mother die from this disease... well, you don't get a vote."

Derek turned his attention back to Addison. "Did she tell you they're trying to get pregnant?" He asked, trying to monopolize any way he could. Addison's job usually involved helping people have kids, not permanently preventing them from ever getting pregnant.

"Yes."

"Well, having a hysterectomy is seriously going to throw a wrench in the process."

She rolled her eyes and glared back at him. "Derek-" She started, but was cut off by Savy and Weiss arguing, which ended in Savy ignoring her husband and demanding the surgery take place as soon as possible.

"Okay," Derek finally cut in, using his best calm doctor voice. "Let's just take a step back, take a deep breath and think about this."

"I've already thought about it, Derek. This is going to happen." Savy demanded.

Addison nodded and called Izzy into the room and ordered her to begin pre op tests.

"Derek..." Weiss prompted him to help, but when Derek tried to intervene again, Addison shut him down and was ushering Savy out of the room before Derek had a chance to do any good.

000

"Profoleptic surgery is extreme," Derek called, hours later as he finally caught up to his ex-wife again.

Addison scoffed and continued to stride across the catwalk, forcing Derek to fall into step beside her if he wanted to have any semblance of a conversation. "This has nothing to do with you. Why were you even in there? She came to me for a medical consultation. I'm her doctor, Derek. Me." She slowed down enough to point at herself.

"Those are some of our closest friends," he argued. "And it should be me asking why you're even here," he added.

"She's my patient, Derek." She repeated.

He rolled his eyes. "We've established that. I meant asking what the hell you're doing in Seattle."

She spun to a stop. "I can do whatever I want with my life, Derek. You don't get to have a say anymore. You're not my husband anymore," she hissed.

"Thank-god for that," he shot back.

She clenched her jaw and he could swear he saw tears forming before she spun around and began moving away from him.

He quickly caught up to her and reached for her arm, forcing her to stop her motion once again. She pulled her arm from his loose grip, but remained still, waiting for him to speak.

"Look. I may not have a say in your life anymore, but Weiss and Savy are still married. Weiss deserves a say. Whatever the outcome, Weiss deserves a say. And you're helping Savy to not let him have one."

She sucked in a breath as she contemplated his words. "He doesn't have the right to prevent the surgery."

"I never said that. I said he deserves a say. This is a decision they need to make together. They're married and they need to talk."

"That's rich coming from you."

He sighed as he fought to keep his temper under control. "And let me guess, your advice for her is go sleep with Steve?" He asked, referring to Weiss's best friend.

She glared at him. "Stop making this about us."

"You're the one who keeps starting it."

She sighed, ignoring his accusations. "She has up to an eighty-five percent chance of getting cancer."

"And a fifteen percent chance she won't."

"Those aren't good odds, Derek."

"There's still a chance. And waiting a few days at least won't make a difference. They need time to talk about this. It's a big decision."

"Maybe so, but it has nothing to do with you," she hissed at him, and with that she was gone, leaving him alone in the middle of the catwalk. He huffed out a breath and strode off the other direction.

000

"Shouldn't he be more excited?" George asked animatedly, shoving his head in front of Meredith's as she tried to read her chart. "Maybe he's in shock... I don't know..." He trailed off.

Meredith smiled wryly at her roommate, still on a high from his 'near death experience' that morning. She was at the nurse's station, waiting to consult with Bailey on the next step for her elderly patient whose gall bladder may need to come out. And it wasn't the first time George had bumped into her that day, ranting about his patient's lack of enthusiasm for simply being alive. Normally George's enthusiasm for anything that got him so excited was contagious, but today she just wasn't in the mood.

"I mean he survived," George said, picking up again. "That's huge! He's got to realize that things happen for a reason."

"Yeah; my boyfriend's ex-wife moved to Seattle. Reason: to torture me."

"I'm serious," George told her, appearing right beside her again.

"So am I." She shot back.

"What's with the hello kitty on your forehead?" Cristina's voice rang out before George could respond. Meredith turned her head to see her friend enter the station behind them.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Cristina shrugged and conversed quickly with George about signing her patient out to him.

"Carpe diem; seize the day," George said suddenly, causing Meredith to roll her eyes.

"I have a giant zit on my forehead and I'm beginning to look how I feel. Carpe that."

But George was obviously ignoring her. "This is the luckiest day in the world!" He exclaimed, jumping onto the desk beside her.

"Tell that to the bird," Cristina added right before she left the two of them alone.

George was uncharacteristically silent for several moments as he contemplated the meaning of Cristina's words. Meredith had to smile at his sudden empathy for the bird that had been crushed underneath George's patient when the man had fallen from the sky.

"Poor bird," George muttered suddenly. He glanced at her. "I was mad at it, cause it crapped on my bagel, but really..." He trailed off and took a breath. "It sacrificed itself for me."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh gently at George's words. "I'm sure it didn't do it on purpose." She tried to comfort him and patted him gently on the back.

"Even so... I owe my life to that bird. I'll always remember him."

Meredith rolled her eyes and smiled at her roommate. "You do that."

000

Derek was still fuming as he marched down the halls after checking on his patients an extra, likely unnecessary, time. He had simply needed an excuse to get away from the paperwork awaiting him in his office. He couldn't concentrate. He sighed in relief when he spotted familiar dirty blond hair further up the hall.

Hurrying to catch up, Derek dodged a few people and hooked his hand under Meredith's elbow, leading her into what he hoped to be an empty on call room. He was right.

"Derek." She said, obviously surprised by the fact that she was suddenly out of the hallway.

"Hey. Sorry," he said. "I just needed... I just need a moment."

"You okay?"

He shook his head. "Not really."

She tilted her head in concern and opened her arms. He smiled and wasted no time before wrapping his arms around her small frame. "That's better," he mumbled into her hair as he wrapped his arms even tighter.

"How did the meeting go?" Meredith questioned gently after several minutes of just standing there, locked in a tight embrace.

He pulled back and shook his head. "Horribly. Savy's determined to go through with the surgery. And she's got Addison's full support. Weiss is expecting me to stop her, but Addison won't even listen to me."

Meredith contemplated his words for several moments. "Do _you_ think she should have the surgery?"

Derek was caught off guard by her question. "I, uh..." he trailed off as he thought long and hard about it. He couldn't imagine what his friend's were going through right now. His eyes caught on the woman staring sympathetically back at him and his mind forced him to wonder what his response would be if it were Meredith facing this decision. He had absolutely no idea what the right decision would be, even with his extensive medical knowledge. But he did know one thing. "I don't know. But they need support." He sighed. "God, I'm an idiot. I was standing up for Weiss cause he came to me, but that doesn't really help things, does it?" He asked, but the question was obviously rhetorical. "What they really need is for their friends to be there for them. And all Addison and I did was argue the entire time. We're not helping them." He repeated.

Meredith smiled sadly. "No, probably not."

He returned her smile. "Thank-you."

"For what?"

"For being the voice of reason. I guess I tend to get a little carried away some times."

She smirked. "Yeah, I've noticed."

He laughed and rolled his eyes at her, reaching to squeeze her hands. "So, how has your day been going?"

Her expression turned pensive. "If you had been married for sixty years and found out your wife had cancer, would you tell her?"

"What?"

She sighed. "My patient. We went in and found out she had porcine gall bladder. Her labs came back positive, but when we told her husband... well, he said he didn't want her to know. He said he didn't want her to be afraid before she died. Should I be thinking he's sweet for caring so much, or controlling for keeping it from her?"

"I don't know," he told her. "It's a tough call. But if they've been married for sixty years and he doesn't want her to be afraid... then you should probably think it's sweet."

She smiled at him before her expression turned serious again. "Would you tell your wife if you were in his situation?"

Derek took a deep breath, his blue eyes meeting her green ones. "I wouldn't want her to be afraid," was all he could come up with to say.

Meredith nodded, and before either could continue, her pager went off. "Damn," she muttered, tilting it upwards to read the message. She sighed and looked up at him. "I have to go." She turned back at the door. "In case I don't see you, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can make dinner tonight. I'll be off too late."

He stepped forward and gave her a quick kiss. "That's fine. I'll see you later."

She nodded her agreement and hurried out the door. Derek remained in the room, collapsing onto one of the beds. He needed to figure out how best to help his friends before it was too late.

0000

"Addison," Derek called as he spotted the red head exiting a patient room on the maternity floor. She stopped and slowly turned to face him.

"What do you want, Derek?"

He sighed and glanced around. It was much quieter on this floor than the other surgical floors. "We need to call a truce," he told her.

"What?"

"We need to call a truce," he repeated. "You and I need to get it together so we can be civil so we can actually help Sav and Weiss. She came to you, so you're in support of surgery, and he came to me, so I'm not in support. But it's their decision, and it's important they discuss it before anything drastic happens, cause if she has the surgery, there's no going back. And they need to be in agreement either way. And we need to stop fighting with each other and help them."

Addison regarded him for several seconds, as if looking for any reason to doubt his words. Then she nodded. "You're right. We need to help them."

"So, we're calling a truce?"

Addison nodded. "Truce."

"Good. I talked to Savy, and she said she wants the four of us to go out to dinner tonight. Is that okay with you?"

Addison narrowed her eyes. "Will that be okay with Meredith?"

Derek chose to ignore the tone of her voice. "It'll be fine," he said quickly.

"Fine," Addison agreed.

000

Derek sighed as he shifted uncomfortably for the umpteenth time on the normally comfortable bench. Joe's wasn't busy tonight, but he found himself distracted by the other occupants of the bar anyway, anything to get his attention away from the conversation at his table. Addison sat to his left, as far down the bench as she could get, her demeanour surly and harsh towards him, but true to her word she was remaining relatively unbiased when the discussion touched on Savy's pending surgery the next day.

"Here's to taking life in your own hands," Savy was saying, holding up her glass. Derek followed suit, admiring the bravery of his friend. She was certainly holding herself together... without the support of her husband. Derek wished he could shake Weiss into realizing he needed to be there for Savy, even if he didn't agree. He at least needed to talk to her before the next morning, instead of arguing with every word. His thoughts drifted back to the conversation they had just hours ago. _You'll get through this. You guys love each other,_ Derek had told him. But Weiss had countered with a strong rebuttal. _Isn't that what you used to say about you and Addy?_ Derek hadn't been able to say anything convincing after that. He knew what it really felt like to be betrayed. So he had left his suffering friend sitting alone on a gurney in the hall.

"And here's to bull and here's to crap," Weiss had added after clinking his glass against his wife's. "Here's to oophectomy, hysterectomy, double bilateral massectomy. How smart am I for knowing all those words?" If the situation hadn't been so tense, Derek would have laughed at Weiss's words. He had memories of college, where he had been pre-med and Weiss had been an English major, who had forced Derek to teach him a number of medical sounding words to impress the ladies at the bar. "Here's to breast reconstruction, nipple reconstruction. Here's to losing your wife, and here's to being the ass that can't be supportive. Here's to that." He lifted his glass, drained its contents and left the table.

Derek sighed and reached across the table to squeeze Savy's hand. "It'll be okay," he told her. "He's always been a bit of an ass," he added with a small smile. "But he'll come around, he loves you."

She nodded at him, her eyes moist, but not overflowing. "Thank-you, Derek." She squeezed his hand back.

"I'll go after him," Derek spoke, releasing Savy's hand as he pushed himself out of the booth. He smiled as reassuringly as he could at Savy, and nodded quickly at Addison as he left the bar and headed across the street towards the hospital.

He found Weiss collapsed in the front waiting room as soon as he walked in the front doors. His normally happy friend was bent over, head in his hands. Derek sighed and approached quietly. "Weiss," he greeted as he stopped in front of his friend.

"Don't talk to me. Keep walking." Weiss told him, barely looking up.

Derek ignored him. "You need to get some sleep and sober up so you can be ready for Savy's surgery tomorrow."

"So, I'm supposed to hold her hand while they rip her apart? That's the definition of love?" Weiss sat further back in the seat, obviously not planning on leaving any time soon.

Derek sighed and sat down across from Weiss, determined to help his friend this time. "You can do this," he told him.

"Maybe I can't. Maybe I'm just a guy who likes to screw his wife." Derek shook his head, but Weiss continued anyway. "That's what she'll think when I'm not there."

"But you're going to be there."

Weiss laughed at him, the alcohol obviously affecting his speech as he slurred into a new argument. "This is coming from a guy who packed his bags in the middle of the night and drove three thousand miles to live in a trailer?" He asked sarcastically.

"That's not the same thing," Derek countered.

"Isn't it?"

"No. Your wife didn't cheat on you with your best friend. She didn't betray you. She's scared and in pain and needs your support."

"But she didn't even ask me! She decided everything one day before I got home from work. I walked in the front door and she told me flat out that she was flying out here to see Addy and that she had already booked the plane tickets. Isn't this something we're supposed to decide together?"

Derek nodded. "Yeah, in a perfect world, but this is not a perfect world, Weiss. This is a world where people who are supposed to love you can do horrible, irreversible things to you in the blink of an eye."

"Exactly..."

"No. You don't get it, Weiss. Savy loves you. She loves you and she's terrified of getting cancer and dying young because all she wants is to spend as much time as possible with you. Don't you get it? You found the right girl the first time. You two love each other and you'll get through this. You can't give up because it's hard right now."

Weiss regarded him for several moments before speaking, his expression suddenly more sober than Derek had seen in the past two hours. Then he sighed and nodded. "Wow, Derek, Addy did a real number on you, didn't she?"

Derek laughed at his words. "Yeah, I guess she did."

Weiss sighed. "It's not that I want her to die..."

Derek nodded. "I know."

"I just..."

"You want her to not have the gene mutation."

Weiss nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right," Derek said, causing Weiss to laugh. "She can't give that to you, Weiss. She can't make it so that she doesn't have the allele."

"I know."

"And she's doing the only thing that guarantees she won't get sick."

"Yeah. She is." Weiss whispered, his eyes suddenly filling with tears. "God, Derek, I don't want her to go through this. I wish I could save her from this."

Derek offered a supportive smile. "You don't want her to be scared," he whispered, his thoughts jumping back to his conversation with Meredith that afternoon.

Weiss looked up and nodded. "Yeah."

"Did you want me to drive you to the hotel?"

Weiss shook his head. "No."

"Weiss..." Derek started, but his friend surprised him.

"No, I'm not leaving her alone tonight. I'll stay here."

Derek smiled at him. "Good for you." He stood up and was glad when Weiss followed suit. "Do you want to wait here, or go back to Joe's?"

Weiss stepped towards the doors. "Back to Joe's. It's only ten, and knowing Savy right now, she'll probably stay and drink right until midnight." He joked, knowing her cut off for any intake was midnight to prepare for her early morning surgery.

"Good point." Derek responded, slapping Weiss on the back as he stepped up beside him and the two old friends walked in comfortable silence back to the bar.

Weiss's steps sped up as they reached the door and it was all Derek could do to keep up as Weiss hurried through the bar. Upon reaching their table, Weiss slid in beside Savy and didn't hesitate before he pulled his wife tightly into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Sav," he said, tears glistening in his eyes. "I was an ass, please forgive me."

Savy was clutching to her husband like he was her lifeline. "It's okay. Weiss. You're here now."

"I am," Weiss agreed, nodding emphatically. "And I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much." He pressed his lips against Savy's forehead.

"I love you too," she spoke against his shoulder, where her tear stained face was buried.

Derek stood awkwardly to the side of the booth, his eyes shifting towards the stunned expression on his ex-wife's face. He briefly met her eyes, and a sudden understanding passed through them as they watched their friends struggle together. Weiss and Savy were going through hell, but they loved each other enough to be together right now. They felt each other's pain. They were going to be okay. Derek and Addison had never had that. Derek had never experienced that. He had never felt that close to anyone, but as his thoughts drifted away from his friends and his ex-wife and towards Meredith, he was suddenly determined they would be like that one day. They would be this close. They would feel each other's pain.

Weiss and Savy pulled back from their tight embrace, but remained close, Weiss's arm wrapped securely around her waist. Savy smiled gently at Derek as she wiped her hand across her face to clear away her tears. "Thank-you, Derek."

Derek shrugged. "My pleasure," he said with a sudden smirk on his face. "I've always been the voice of reason with Weiss."

Weiss scoffed as Savy and Derek laughed together. Even Addison cracked a smile at this.

"So," Derek spoke up. "Did you guys want to continue our dinner thing, or do you want to spend some time alone?"

"Dinner thing?" Weiss asked, a smile now on his face. "Nice grammar, man."

Derek rolled his eyes, effectively avoiding Addison's sudden glare from across the table. It was no secret to either of them that his words were Meredith's influence. "Whatever, man. You were the English major, not me."

Weiss shrugged. "That's still no excuse for bad grammar. Seattle has changed you."

"Yes, it has," Derek agreed, unable to hide the smile that spread across his face.

Addison scoffed, and spoke up. "Did you guys want some privacy then?"

After a brief look to each other, the couple nodded.

Addison quickly stood up, making sure not to look at Derek as she did so, and bid her friends goodnight. "I'll see you tomorrow then. I'll be in around seven."

"Thanks, Addy," Savy spoke.

Addison nodded and turned away from the table, striding towards the exit.

Derek shook his head gently as he watched her leave.

"You should just forgive her, Derek. She's sorry for what she did," Savy spoke gently as he turned back towards the table.

Derek offered her a small smile and shook his head. "I know she's sorry, but it wasn't working for a long time. Things are better this way."

Savy regarded him closely before nodding. "Okay. Will I see you tomorrow?"

Derek nodded. "I'll stop by to see you before surgery." He nodded to the two of them. "Goodnight then."

They chimed in their goodnights and Derek turned to leave, only stopping at the bar quickly to tell Joe to put everything on his tab. He made his way back across the street, pulling his cell out and speed dialling Meredith's cell. She picked up after three rings.

"Hey," her voice filtered through the phone line.

"Hey," he responded.

"Is your dinner thing over?"

Derek couldn't help the smile that came to his face at her words, confirming her influence over his grammar. "Yeah," he told her. "I'm just leaving Joe's. Have you left yet?" He had run into her before she went into surgery earlier, and she had been fine with him cancelling their dinner plans for that evening. She hadn't expected to be out in time anyway.

"I just got home actually," she responded. "Still sitting in the driveway."

Derek chuckled. "Good timing then. Did you want me to pick something up on my way?"

"You inviting yourself over?" Her tired voice joked.

"Only if I'm wanted," he shot back.

She laughed. "You're always wanted here, Derek."

He smiled at her words. "Okay. Are you hungry?"

She paused for a moment. "No, that's okay. I'm not hungry, just exhausted."

Derek nodded. "Me too."

"Are you coming over now?"

"I'm just walking back from Joe's now. I'm almost at my car."

"I'll see you in like ten minutes then?"

Derek smiled. "Absolutely."

000

Derek pulled into Meredith's driveway ten minutes later, parking his car behind her old jeep. He grabbed his bag out of his backseat and made his way up her familiar front walk. He hesitated briefly at the front door before knocking. It wasn't often he showed up without her, and he wasn't comfortable trying the doorknob and letting himself into the house, even though he knew she had probably left it unlocked for him.

There was some activity in the house and he was only left on the porch for a minute or two before the door swung open, revealing his girlfriend, already changed into her pyjamas.

She smiled at him as she stepped back, motioning for him to come in the door.

"How are your friends?"

He sighed, dropping his bag as she swung the door shut behind him and turned to face her. He opened his arms and smile when she stepped into them. "I think they're going to be okay," he said, hugging her tight.

"That's good."

"Yeah," he whispered into her hair. "It's very good."

Meredith pulled back and regarded him, her head tilted just so. "Are _you _okay?"

He smiled warmly at her, his fingers threading through hers. "You know what? I am. I really think I am." _Now_.

The extra meaning in his words weren't lost on her as she blushed slightly, and discreetly averted her eyes. He leaned in to kiss her forehead, knowing it was far too soon to be pushing this discussion any further. But it was okay. He could wait as long as she needed. Because he was in this. And he loved her. And they were doing this together.

He reached a hand out to her chin and gently forced her eyes back up to his as he smiled downward at her. She met his eyes evenly and smiled back, confirming his thoughts. Just because she couldn't talk about it yet, didn't mean she didn't feel it. He leaned in and placed a loving kiss on her lips. "Let's get some sleep," he whispered when he pulled away.

She smiled and nodded, and allowed him to take her hand and lead her upstairs.

That night Derek fell asleep with a new sense of confidence in life and love. If you love someone enough, it doesn't matter what comes your way. Because you can conquer anything if you work together. It was a new thought for Derek, but as he breathed in the peaceful woman in his arms, he knew it could happen to him. One day he would know what that feels like.

_**AN: Okay, I'm getting better at updating faster, but I'm way behind with answering reviews. I will get to it soon! Life isn't nearly as crappy as it was, but is still hectic. Just to address a few things quickly here: I'm glad everyone is willing to tolerate Addison, I did think it important to have her in the story. Derek will be able to show Meredith she means more this way too. And I know it may be somewhat awkward to read with many of the events from Season 2, but I set out to write the second season as if he had picked Mer the first time, so I want to incorporate as many things of importance as I can. I wanted to write Weiss and Savy because it was important for Derek to interact with his old friends and Addy and maybe get some perspective on what went wrong. Anyway, thanks for reading. **_


	12. Drawers & Keys

It was late afternoon when Derek knocked against the familiar front door, and waited patiently for it to be opened. After several long moments, a pyjama ridden, slightly flustered Meredith pulled open the door.

"Derek," she stated, her voice raspy with sleep.

"Hey, I'm sorry I woke you," he said gently, stepping into the front hall and taking in her bedridden appearance. "I thought you'd be up by now."

She sighed and leaned into his chest. It had been a busy week, and she had worked a thirty hour shift, only to be pulled into an emergency surgery at the end. Her shift had been scheduled to end the previous evening, but she hadn't left the hospital until that morning, actually meeting Derek in the parking lot as he was coming in and she was leaving. "S'okay. I'm glad you're here. Though, I keep telling you to just let yourself in," She added lightly.

He rested his chin on her head and rubbed her back. "Did you have a good sleep?"

She nodded against him. "Out for the count, though I feel like I could sleep another ten or twenty hours..."

He laughed and released her with a kiss on the forehead. "Are you still up to going out tonight?"

She met his eyes and hesitated, before finally shaking her head. "I'm sorry, but I'm just so tired. Would you be okay if we ordered in and crashed on the couch instead?"

Derek smiled and nodded. "Of course." It had been two months since he had officially 'picked her' and their relationship had taken on a dimension it hadn't had before; one implicating a strong sense of permanence. It was no longer scheduled dates and last minute sleepovers. It was assumed they would do things together on most of their nights off. And they spent nights together more often than not. They both worked long hours in the hospital, and more than once they had taken to ordering takeout and eating in their pyjamas in her living room. "And because you're so tired, I won't even argue with you about what we order..."

Meredith smirked. "You mean I can order whatever I want?"

He scoffed. "It's not like you don't always order whatever you want anyway. I just won't argue this time."

She laughed. "Okay, it's a deal. And thanks, for being okay with this..." Her voice took on the uncertain tone that he couldn't seem to rid her of.

"It's not a problem, Mer," he said lightly. "I remember what it was like to be an intern. And I still get to have dinner with you. It's win-win." He reassured her as best he could, hoping, as usual, he would never again hear her voice take on that low, vulnerable quality when speaking with him, but knowing full well he would. It still made him feel guilty every time, for the uncertainty in him and their relationship that he had implanted, but he was beginning to understand that it wasn't entirely his fault. There was definitely some history there that was directing her moves. And hopefully, with time, she would one day trust him enough to talk it all through.

"Really?"

"Really," he confirmed with a smile, glad the voice was gone. "Now, why don't you order the disgusting cheesy pizza I know is on your mind, and I'll go and change?"

She rolled her eyes, but he knew he had hit it dead on when she didn't respond. He'd be eating pizza for dinner. Again.

He left her in the front hall and padded quietly up the stairs. Stepping into the sanctuary of what he was slowly starting to refer to as _their_ room in his head, he shed his jeans and light sweater and pulled a pair of track pants and an old tee out of the bottom drawer of the dresser. It had only been two weeks prior that he had been 'given' two drawers of his own.

_After dressing for bed, Derek had carefully folded his clothes and placed them in a neat pile on the floor beside his shoulder bag, ready to be pulled back on the following morning. He had taken to bringing a small overnight bag with him on most nights, however tonight he hadn't planned on being here. Meredith had been asked to switch shifts at the last minute, suddenly leaving her evening free, so they had taken advantage to go out to see a movie and grab a bite to eat. _

_His shift started early the next day, leaving him even more even more determined to spend the night, even if that left him sleeping in his boxers and one of his old tees that he would have to steal back from her. However, instead of crawling into bed beside him, Meredith scooped his pile of clothes from the floor and deposited them into the bottom drawer of her dresser. _

_"What are you doing?"_

_She turned to face him, smiling, but her upper body hunched a bit in the way that told him she was unsure of her actions. "I, uh, cleared out some drawers for you, because that's what people do in relationships, right? That's what you said, anyway... And I think it's time. I mean, you're here all the time...and I don't think you should have to bring stuff with you every time...and you already left a toothbrush...so...I just think it's time." She paused and met his eyes. "But, if you don't want them, I understand...I...I didn't even think about..." She sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."_

_Derek sprang out of bed and grabbed for her hands. "You're better at this then you think."_

_"Really?"_

_He smiled and kissed her. "Absolutely."_

_"So, you want the drawers? Like, you'll actually leave stuff here?"_

_He nodded. "I'd love to leave stuff here." He kissed her again, and wrapped his arms around her waist as she responded. She shifted, and her arms hooked around his neck as they stumbled backwards towards the bed. And, in the end, it hadn't mattered that he hadn't brought pajamas with him; he had ended up sleeping without any clothes on._

Dressed comfortably, Derek made his way down the familiar wooden stairs to join his girlfriend on the couch. She shifted to make room between him and the arm rest, and tucked her body flush against his side as soon as he settled. He closed his arm around her small frame and sighed happily. This was exactly the type of evening he loved. Just the two of them; comfortable, happy, together. They didn't need fancy restaurants and charity dinners and an active social life.

"How was your day?" She questioned.

He sighed. "Stressful. There was a pile up on the freeway. Lots of head injuries. I performed three craniotomies before lunch." He sighed. "But they were all successful, so that's something."

"That's good," she agreed easily, shifting to meet his eyes. "What else was stressful?"

He allowed a small smile, knowing she was already apt at reading him. "It's Addison," he admitted quietly. After their friends had returned to New York, he and his ex-wife had no reason left to interact, and so began a long, awkward process of avoidance and stares and cold shoulders. It had been close to a month now, with no progress or change in either direction.

"Oh," Meredith said softly, her body tensing almost imperceptibly.

"Hey," he spoke lightly, reaching for her hand. "It's not like that. I just..." He sighed. "I don't know what she's doing here. She's clearly miserable. And I meant what I said before; she's not a bad person. She wouldn't move out here just to make me miserable. And yet, here she is. And I'm tired of the glares and remarks and muttering under her breath. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, like I'm the reason she's unhappy. It's not my fault she's here. I thought she was going back to New York to stay."

"Okay." Meredith nodded, squeezing his hand.

He narrowed his eyes. She wasn't the only one getting good at reading the other. "What?"

She sighed heavily, looking almost as if she was going to ignore his prodding. But she took a breath and met his eyes. "I think she moved here for you."

He shook his head. "No, she signed her contract after the divorce was final. It had nothing to do with me."

She paused. "Look, I know you've been getting the looks and everything from her, but so have I, and-"

"I thought you said she was leaving you alone?" He snapped, his anger welling inside as he pulled back to face her fully. There was nothing more difficult than trying to build a new relationship with your ex-wife looking over your shoulder. And Meredith had assured him she was not being bullied by the former woman in Derek's life.

"She is-"

"But you just said-"

"Derek!" She cut him off. "Would you stop arguing and listen for one freaking second." She wasn't mad, but her eyes were flashing in clear annoyance.

He nodded. "Sorry."

She sighed and breathed. "I know she's making your life difficult," she said in a softer tone. "But when I pass her, she doesn't glare at me, she..." Meredith trailed off for several seconds. "Look, I've never been in this situation before, or anything even remotely like it. And I'm not good at knowing everything yet, but when I catch her looking at me..." She met his eyes, hers suddenly portraying a noticeable amount of uncertainty and guilt. "When she looks at me, I think she's hurt, and I think she's jealous." She took a breath. "Derek, I think she misses you."

"She has no right to be hurt by us, no right to miss me."

"I know," she said quietly. "But that doesn't change the fact that she does."

"So, you think she moved here..."

"To wait," she concluded.

"For what?" He asked, fearing he knew the answer.

"For you."

Derek felt his heart clench at the vulnerability in her expression. He sighed heavily and pulled her close again, his hands finding purchase along her spine as he met her eyes evenly. "She can wait as long as she wants, she'll never get me again."

Meredith nodded, but her eyes betrayed her, flicking away from his every few seconds, unable to maintain contact.

"Oh, Mer..." He leaned his forehead against hers. "I love _you_. And I know it's early, and I know that you've never done this before and you have doubts, but I have faith in us. The way you make me feel..." He shook his head. "I've never felt this way before, with anyone. Even Addison. And it's too early to be making plans and commitments, but I hope that one day we'll be in a place where we can."

She swallowed and lifted her head away from his. "Really?" She asked, her voice thick with emotion.

He smiled and kissed her lightly before responding. "Really. Is that okay?"

She took a shaky breath, but bravely maintained eye contact. "I think so. I think it's okay. And...I think I hope that too."

"Good." He kissed her again.

"I'm sorry that I'm not ready to talk about it yet," she admitted.

"Mer, it's only been a few months. It's early."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. I'm not in a hurry. This won't work if we're not both ready."

She cracked a small smile. "Okay." She kissed him this time.

"I do hate that she's making you feel this way, though," he spoke after she pulled away. "She has no right to make you feel temporary. And she has absolutely no right to make you feel guilty."

Meredith shrugged. "It's okay," she reassured him. "As long as you're here to remind me of that, then it's okay."

He smiled warmly. "I'll always be here to remind you."

"Good."

000

Derek awoke alone to the ringing of Meredith's alarm clock. He groaned and rolled across the cold sheets of the queen size bed to reach for the source of the annoyance on her nightstand. It was a little past seven. She had needed to be in for early rounds, so had left him in bed that morning. He had nothing scheduled until after nine, and as he had been on late the previous evening, had forgone going in early with her. At first he had eagerly gone in early with her, and stayed well past his shifts to wait for her, but in the past few weeks, their relationship had fallen into a gentle routine.

The excitement and impulse to be together all the time was still there, only minimally reduced, but a comfortable sense of contentment was slowly taking over. If their shifts were close, or they stayed at the trailer, they would commute together, but on days like today, they could easily fall into a routine such as this. There was no longer the fear of losing her interest if he was not around at all times. He could go in later, hopefully bump into her for lunch, and they would come home together at the end of the day. They were moving from the exciting beginning part of their relationship into a comfortable middle area. And things were still happy and exciting and worth while.

After a moment of hesitation, Derek stretched and rolled out of the bed he still felt to be the most comfortable one he had ever slept in. Stumbling into the bathroom, he relieved himself and brushed his teeth, before grabbing a towel and heading across the hall for a shower.

It wasn't until he was back in Meredith's room, fully awake, hair dry, half dressed, that he caught sight of the note on her dresser. Pulling his button-up over his shoulders, he left it undone as he reached for the paper and the small piece of metal weighing it down.

_Hopefully this will finally make you stop knocking, _

_Love, Mer._

Derek laughed through his smile as her words as he flipped the small key over and over between his fingers. It may be a small object, but it held an enormous amount of weight. And the fact that she was the one initiating this particular step gave it even more weight.

With a nod, Derek slipped the key into his pocket and finished dressing, suddenly in a hurry to get to the hospital.

000

Meredith followed her resident out of the main lobby after announcing a successful surgery to an anxious family. She had been in early that morning and had scrubbed in with Bailey immediately following rounds. It was a little after noon now, and Meredith couldn't help but wonder if Derek was still in surgery. She had had the key cut a week prior, but had not been able to muster the courage to actually give it to him, so she had finally decided to just leave it out for him to find. And early that morning, it had seemed like a decent idea, but now that she had had a chance to think about it, she was regretting it.

"You did good work today, Grey," Bailey spoke when they were out of earshot of the family. "Go and have lunch and then spend your afternoon in the pit. If something surgical comes in, go ahead and scrub in."

"Thanks, Dr. Bailey," Meredith answered with a nod, turning for the elevator before her resident could changer her mind.

After paying for her meal, Meredith stepped into the open cafeteria, eyeing the occupied tables and shaking her head when she didn't recognize any of her friends. She did, however, recognize a vividly familiar redhead bent over her lunch, making some notes into a chart. Meredith sighed and turned to find an empty table as far away as she could.

She was only half way through her burger when a familiar form plopped down close beside her.

"Hey," Derek said softly as he pulled his chair close to hers and kissed her cheek.

"Hey."

"I tried to find you when I got here."

"I was scrubbed in with Bailey all morning." She answered quickly and moved to take another bite of her lunch, hoping to discreetly avoid meeting his eyes.

"So," he stated, and there was a slight pinging noise as he set something small down on the table in front of them.

Meredith didn't have to look to know it was the shiny new silver key she had been hiding in her drawer for a week. "So," she repeated, looking towards him, but not into his eyes.

He laughed quietly. "Apparently I've been keyed..."

Meredith had to bite back her own laugh at his words. "Uh-huh."

"Meredith..."

She finally met his gaze and offered him what she hoped to be a nonchalant smile. "It's not a big deal."

Derek shook his head. "I think it's a big deal."

Meredith sighed inwardly, but continued to meet his eyes. He was smiling, so she was sure he wasn't upset by it. "Derek..."

He leaned closer and his arm snaked around her lower torso. "Did you think I was going to take the key and not show up at work and make a big deal out of it?" His eyes were sparkling.

"I was kind of hoping you hadn't seen it," she admitted quietly. "It seemed like a good idea this morning, but then..." She trailed off.

"Do you not want me to have it?"

"No, I do. It's just, the actual giving it to you was harder than I thought. I wasn't really sure what the protocol was supposed to be."

The pressure around her waist changed as he tightened his grip. "There really isn't a protocol," he told her. "These things just happen. You could have just given it to me in person."

"I tried," she admitted. "But I..." She shook her head. "I decided it was better this way. If you wanted it, you could take it, if not you could leave it."

He sighed, and she couldn't help but look away from his eyes. "How long have you had it?"

Meredith glanced at his eyes and then quickly away. "A week."

"Oh, Mer, what am I going to do with you?" He turned in his chair to wrap his second arm around her, and pressed his lips against the side of her head. "You don't need to be afraid to do these things with me. I'm in this. I love you."

"I know," she told him, and she did, but it was always reassuring to hear. "I just don't always feel like I'm on par with you. You've done this before, and I haven't, and I'm not sure of when these things are supposed to happen." She sighed and turned her head to meet his gaze once again.

He offered her a gentle smile and released his tight hold on her. "Every relationship is different. So, if you're feeling like we're ready for this, it probably means we are."

"So, you're okay with this?"

He laughed. "Meredith, I'm wonderful with this."

She smiled at his excitement. "So, you won't knock anymore?"

"Nope. Now I'll be over all the time, and no matter how annoying you find me, you won't be able to keep me away."

She smirked. "And how will that be any different from now?"

He wasn't able to mask the shocked expression she left him with. "Ouch," he feigned hurt, pulling both arms away to jokingly clutch at his chest.

Meredith laughed.

"Well, then, I know when I'm not wanted," he sighed dramatically and made a move to leave.

Meredith reached out and pulled his arm back around her waist. She leaned in close and kissed him. "Thank-you," she whispered as they pulled away.

"For what?"

"For calming me down, again. I wish I was better at this."

"Meredith." He kissed her again. "It's my job to be here for you, for whatever you need. But seriously, everyone does the relationship thing for the first time. And you're not doing anything wrong. You have good instincts; you just need to learn to trust them."

Meredith smiled at his honesty. "Okay. I'll try."

"Good. And..." He trailed off as he reached into the chest pocket of his scrub top. "These are for you." He pressed two small silver items into the palm of her hand. "I stopped at the hardware store on the way to work."

Meredith couldn't help the beaming smiling the lit up her face. She had initiated a step, and he was happy and committed to it. She had been overjoyed when he took the drawers she had offered earlier in the month, but this was different. This said I want you around all the time, not only when I invite you. This was an actual step. This went both ways. And she had initiated it. And it definitely had a confidence building effect that he was so apt to be a part of it.

"Why are there two? Are trailers in the middle of nowhere big break in spots in need of extra security?"

He rolled his eyes in good humour. "Ha ha, make fun of the trailer."

She laughed and couldn't help but lean in for a quick kiss.

Derek smiled warmly as he pulled away and gently pried open her hand. "This one is for the trailer," he told her, pointing to the larger key. "And this one," he motioned to the smaller key, "Is for my office."

"Your office?" Meredith asked in surprise.

He nodded. "Yeah, I thought it was a good idea, seeing as you gave me the code for your locker."

"Okay," she said with a smile. "Okay," she repeated quietly.

"Okay," he responded with a nod.

"So, the key thing was a good idea?"

"It was a wonderful idea." He kissed her again.

"I love you," she told him softly when he pulled away.

"I love you, too."

_**AN: I hope there's still interest in this story! I am so sorry for the massive delay between chapters. For those of you who haven't also been reading What I'm Here For, I left a note in a few chapters regarding this story. I thought I could handle both storylines, but I was getting certain plots crossed and had to back off of one to finish the other. And because this one was newer, it drew the short straw. But, I'm back to writing it now, and I hope there's still interest. This chapter was a bit off to write, but I had to read the story twice to get back in the mindset. Really it was written to cement the fact that their relationship is progressing. Mer still has some insecurities, which with her background is to be expected only a few months into this, but she'll be able to work through them with him, instead of having them increased because of him. The next chapter will be based around one of my fav episodes, Thanksgiving, and then on to the more exciting stuff of season two. Thanks to everyone who is still interested and still reading.**_


	13. Thanksgiving

Meredith crept cautiously down the wooden staircase, knowing instinctively where to step and where not to step. She reached the last step and peered around the banister towards the kitchen doorway. When there was no movement, she motioned for Derek to join her.

He deftly made his way down the stairs, almost as knowledgeable as her as to where the squeaky spots were, and hovered beside her at the landing, his breath hot against her neck as his hand found purchase on her hip.

"You make a go for the door. I'll cover you," She whispered.

"I feel like we're in a really bad spy movie," he responded, his stubble tickling the side of her neck as he leaned in close.

She suppressed a giggle and gently shoved him away from her and towards the front door. Once he was safely across the landing, and out of sight of the kitchen door, she moved to catch up, and they were only feet away from a successful escape when a familiar voice stopped Meredith dead in her tracks.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Meredith cringed and spun to meet the scrutinizing gaze of her roommate, standing tall, a heavy book cracked open and clutched in her arms, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Uh..." She scrambled for answer as she felt Derek step up behind her. The doorbell rang behind them.

"We're answering the door," Derek answered easily, causing Meredith to stifle a laugh at his matter-of-fact tone.

Izzy, of course, wasn't buying it. "Don't tell me you two are going to the hospital..."

"Well..." Meredith trailed off.

"Come on! Everyone is supposed to be in the kitchen by nine to help me make dinner."

"Iz-"

"It's Thanksgiving." The doorbell rang again in the background.

"I know, but we have to work."

"But it's like a family-" The doorbell rang again.

"Got to get the door," Meredith turned, around Derek, and pulled open the front door.

"Is this where Georgie lives?" A friendly man, being flanked by two younger men, asked.

"Georgie?"

"O'Malley," he clarified. "Where is he, upstairs?"

"Oh, George, yeah," Meredith stuttered, suddenly remembering her roommate's ranting about his family nickname. This would make the friendly older man his father, and the two others his older brothers.

"O'Malley!" They yelled together, pushing through the door and towards the stairs.

Derek stepped out of their way with an amused expression, and Izzy met her gaze.

"Should I call the police?" She asked jokingly as she turned to watch them trail up the stairs.

Meredith saw an opportunity and quickly motioned for Derek to join her in escaping through the still open door while her roommate's attention was elsewhere. He passed her silently, and she pulled the door shut behind her, just in time to hear Izzy yelling for them to be back by six.

Meredith was still laughing as she plopped herself down in the passenger seat of Derek's car. "Good work, partner," she said as she leaned across her seat to kiss him. "Successful escape."

Derek laughed. "Yeah, it was close call. For a second I wasn't sure we were going to make it," he said sarcastically.

She laughed again as he put the car into reverse and backed out of the driveway. "That's definitely the most fun I've ever had leaving my house."

He snorted. "I'd have to agree with you."

Meredith smiled and reached for his hand as they drove along the familiar route to the hospital. She didn't know why she was in such a good mood. She had volunteered to work Thanksgiving back in September, when things between her and Derek were still up in the air. But even though it was a holiday and she had to work, she couldn't wipe the smile from her face. For the first time in her life, she had something to be thankful for. She had someone to celebrate a holiday with.

000

"Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked as professionally as possible, as her boyfriend was conversing with the Chief.

Derek turned to face her, a gentle smile playing on his lips. "Dr. Grey."

"I'm going home," the Chief announced with a nod.

Derek laughed as he turned back to face him. "Then go home."

"Adele's sister is in town. I hate that woman."

Derek laughed. "The OR board needs to be checked one more time."

"It does, doesn't it?" He nodded to both Meredith and Derek. "Excuse me."

Derek was shaking his head as he turned back to Meredith.

"What's that about?" She asked.

He shrugged. "He's not supposed to be in today. Looking for an excuse to stick around."

Meredith cocked her head. "Technically you're not supposed to be in today, either."

He smiled and stepped forward, his hands coming to rest at her waist. "Maybe so, but I'm here to be near you, not because I'm avoiding being at home."

Meredith smiled and kissed him. "Yeah?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Okay. Well, I need a neuro consult."

"Hmm," he released his grip on her middle and reached for the chart in her hands.

"My patient from the pit, Holden McKee, PBS sixteen years."

Derek nodded and shifted through the CT results. "There's no bleed, no mass, no fracture. He can be discharged."

"But he opened his eyes when I was examining him."

"That's normal," he said easily. "Certain reflexes are preserved. There's arousal, but no awareness."

Meredith nodded. "But...he was looking at me."

He narrowed his eyes as he met hers. "Meredith..."

She sighed. "He was."

"The CT report says he wasn't..."

"I know I sound crazy, but..." She trailed off. "I know what I saw." She met his eyes evenly. "He was looking _at _me."

Derek met her gaze for several seconds before nodding. "Okay, let's go and see him."

"Thank-you," she mumbled as she took the chart back from him and turned toward the elevators.

"You don't need to thank me," he responded as he fell into step beside her. "You're good at what you do. If you think he was looking at you, it warrants being taken seriously."

000

It was hours later that Meredith found herself alone, going through charts on the floor of her patient's room, her mood much less upbeat and thankful than it had been that morning. She hadn't expected to be waiting for a man to wake up after sixteen years to discover he had lost his family. She took solace in the fact that Derek was working on the case with her, but her mind was stuck on the decision he had made only a few short months before. This man was going to wake up, and in his mind, his life will have changed overnight. And only months ago, Meredith could have awoken to find her life drastically altered if Derek had chosen differently. And she could only imagine the hell she would be living through now.

There was a soft knock at the door and she looked up to meet Alex's gaze.

"What are you doing here?"

She sighed. "Waiting for my patient to wake up."

"Why aren't you at Thanksgiving?"

She shrugged. "Why aren't you at Thanksgiving?"

He sighed as he wandered across the room and collapsed beside her. "I tell you something and you tell me something?"

Meredith turned to meet his eyes, taken aback by the expression she saw. Alex was good at masking his feelings. He was good at presenting a cocky smirk and a nonchalant shrug, but right now he was hurting. And he wasn't trying to hide it.

She nodded and sighed. "I just... I want to be happy. And this morning I was happy. I've never had a Thanksgiving before, and I woke up happy this morning. Because for the first time in my life, I have someone who wants to celebrate these things with me. And Derek and I were supposed to come to work for the day and then go home and have a real Thanksgiving dinner." She paused. "And then I get this patient. And he's been PBS for sixteen years, until I noticed he was looking at me. And suddenly he's not actually PBS, he's minimally conscious. And no one has noticed it. And we called his family. And the baby he had just had is now seventeen. And his wife is remarried and pregnant. And they don't want to be here when he wakes up. He'll be all alone. In his mind his life has turned upside down in the blink of an eye. And I'm being selfish and neurotic and all I can think is how my life almost turned upside down like that. If Derek had chosen Addison... And to just think about how quickly and how easily your life can just change." She sighed heavily and turned to Alex. "Your turn."

"I failed the medical boards," He admitted quickly. "If I tell Izzy about it, she'll be all nice about it, all supportive and optimistic." He sighed. "She might as well rip off my nads and turn them into earrings."

Meredith nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. "Alex, you should go to Thanksgiving. I mean, don't tell her if you don't want to, but you should. Go and be with her, and be happy while you can. Cause otherwise, you may wake up one day and your life will be upside down and you'll regret not going."

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah."

There was silence between the interns for several moments before he turned to meet her eyes. "I think you're reading too much into this."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Life can change in the blink of an eye."

He nodded. "It can. And it does. But not always for the worse." He raised an eyebrow. "Without sounding mushy or girly in any way, a few months ago you let a random guy pick you up in a bar, and your life changed for the better."

Meredith couldn't help the small smile that came to her lips. "Yeah. It did."

"You can't always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's no way to live."

She nodded. "No, you're probably right. But I've never had this before, any of this. Derek, you guys. I feel like I may actually have something close to a family, for the first time. And I don't want to lose it."

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

"Yeah," she answered supportively. Alex had never talked about his past, but she had long since been aware of some sense of familiarity between them; an unspoken understanding. He hadn't had much of a childhood either.

"Well," he broke the comfortable silence after several seconds and patted her on the knee. "Happy Thanksgiving." He stood to leave.

"Happy Thanksgiving," she responded. "And Alex, if you need help, like studying or whatever, I'm here. And I promise not to be overly supportive and optimistic."

He paused at the door and nodded. "Thanks."

000

What do I do?_ What would you do?_

He had asked her what she would do in his situation. It was easy to tell him she couldn't answer for him. And professionally speaking, it was the right thing to tell him. But it didn't mean the question wasn't running through her brain; over and over and over. Facing the same decision, what would she choose?

Derek thought that she would choose the surgery; that she would choose a chance to start another life.

But Meredith wasn't so sure. After being alone for so long, she had finally discovered what it was like to have people in her life; to have a family, to have a man who loved her. And she wasn't so sure she would want to start over and risk being alone again. She wasn't so sure she would choose the surgery. She didn't want to be alone again. If she lost her family and had to choose, it would be a difficult decision.

Holden had been brave. He had risked being alone for a chance to find happiness again. And he had died. He didn't get a chance at a future now. She sighed, the memory of looking into the OR to meet Derek's eyes and just know Holden hadn't made it, even before he shook his head. She knew she needed to learn to distance herself, and she was usually good at doing so, but this particular case was getting to her far more than she would have liked.

Meredith sighed heavily and lifted her face out of her hands. After Derek had offered to speak to Holden's son, she had stumbled into her locker room and collapsed on the bench. This morning she had been full of excitement about going home for Thanksgiving dinner, but now she couldn't muster an ounce of it. Her shift had long since ended, but she didn't want to go home. She wasn't in the mood to be thankful.

Footsteps echoed as a familiar form wandered into the locker room.

"What are you doing here?" She asked in surprise as she met her best friend's gaze.

Before Cristina could answer, George appeared beside her, also dressed in scrubs. He looked just as surprised to see them as they were him. "Oh, this is beyond bad," he muttered as he hurried to change.

Meredith sighed, now silently adding guilt to the list of emotions she was feeling. She and Derek were at the hospital. And she knew Alex was here. And she Cristina and George. Which left Izzy alone with Joe, who was the only other person she knew to be invited. "Wonderful," she muttered.

"What's with the dark twistiness?" Cristina asked. "I thought you were looking forward to today?"

"Yeah, I thought I was too. Until my patient woke up after sixteen years, learned he lost his family and then died. Kind of finding it hard to be thankful."

"Bummer. I'm avoiding your house. Burke and Izzy are going Iron Chef on the Turkey. I couldn't take it anymore."

"You left Izzy alone with Burke?"

Cristina shrugged. "And Joe and Walter."

"Who's Walter?"

"Joe's boyfriend."

Meredith nodded. "At least she's not alone."

George appeared from the other side of the lockers, dressed in street clothes. "Can you drive me back home?" He asked Cristina. "My brothers took my dad home and left me here."

"Why are you even here? I thought you were out hunting?"

"I was, until my brothers shot my dad in the ass with their pellet guns." He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.

Meredith couldn't help the small smile at George's expression as he and Cristina said goodbye and headed for the door. Derek passed them on his way in and collapsed beside her on the bench.

"How did it go?" She asked quietly.

"Horribly; just like the rest of the day."

She nodded and leaned into his comforting warmth, letting her head rest against his shoulder. "That just about sums it up."

"Hmm," he mumbled as his hand found her lower back. "Earlier, in the waiting room, how did you know she was Holden's wife?" He asked gently.

She sighed. "Waiting rooms are full of people hoping for good news. She was the only one who looked like she had completely given up."

"Yeah," he responded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He sighed. "God, I hate cases like this."

"They make you think about everything," she agreed.

He nodded and met her eyes. "What are you thinking about?"

She shrugged. "Everything. And how quickly it could all be over."

He narrowed his gaze. "Meredith, you know I'm in this..."

"I know, but there are always other things in play. And it's not just you, I mean you're a big part of it, obviously, but this is the first time in my life that I feel like I have a family, of any sort. But what if it's all just temporary, like we're banding together to get through the year, but that's it?"

"I guess you can't do anything more than believe that's not true, and do everything you can to fight for the life you want."

Meredith nodded as his words rang true. "Yeah." She met his eyes. "Yeah, I think you're right." She hesitated for a moment. "Do you regret it at all?"

"Regret what?"

"Picking me?"

He sighed and wrapped his other arm around her, his nose coming to rest in her hair as he breathed deeply. "Not even for a second, and I mean that. Meredith, I'm happier than I've ever been. I feel free. I love the way you make me feel. I love you. And I want to be with you." He shook his head. "There's no regret."

"Did you love her?"

He nodded. "Once. At least I think I did; I hope I did. But I don't know when it stopped."

She forced a shuddery breath of air into her lungs.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head and squeezed her eyes closed, fighting off the tears that threatened to fall. "It's just been a crappy day. I was looking forward to it, but now..."

Derek sighed and rested his head on hers, holding her tightly to his chest. "Yeah, me too."

"I've never had any of this before," she choked out. "And I don't want it to stop."

"You have to believe it won't," he reassured her quietly. "And all I can offer you is the promise that I will do everything in my power to stop _this_ from ending." He squeezed her tightly.

Meredith sighed against his chest, letting his warmth and support envelope her. "I know," she whispered. "It just makes me wonder what my life would be like now, if you..."

"If I had chosen Addison?"

She closed her eyes and nodded against him.

He sighed heavily. "Both of our lives would be very different, but you never need to know what it would feel like. I made the right choice. And I plan to stick with it as long as you'll let me."

She allowed herself a small smile and sat up, pulling her face away from his chest to meet his eyes. "Yeah?"

He smiled warmly, his features morphing easily into his signature McDreamy look. "Yeah."

"Okay."

He cocked his head. "Did you want to head home for dinner?"

"Not yet."

000

Meredith sighed heavily as she sat alone at the bar, her fingers playing over the ridge of the glass sitting on the ledge before her. She knew she should just get over herself and go home and attempt to salvage her Thanksgiving. But it was just too tempting to spend the evening at the Joe's, wallowing in her avoidance and fear.

"Is this seat taken?"

She was pulled from her wanderings at the voice close beside her and she turned to meet the eyes of a handsome stranger, his fair coloured hair bouncing slightly and a half-uncertain expression across his face. There was a time in her life where this would have been welcome on a night such as this.

"Uh, yeah," she stuttered. "It is." She smiled, more to herself than to reassure the man. Her life had changed. Only a few months prior her life had taken a turn very similar to this; a turn for the better, as Alex had told her. She'd found the guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with. She had someone to save seats for now.

The hopeful man nodded to her and turned away, right as Derek swept around behind her, returning from the bathroom. His hand landed on her back as his eyes tracked the man as he left their area of the bar.

When the stranger had disappeared behind a mass of Thanksgiving bar-goers, he huffed and sat beside her.

"Shut up," she muttered.

He laughed. "I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to."

"Apparently I can't leave you alone for a minute." He made a dramatic show of sighing heavily. "But I suppose that's the downfall of having such a beautiful girlfriend..."

Meredith snorted and jokingly shoved at his chest, but he caught her hand and pulled her close, his breath hot against her lips before he kissed her.

"I have to hand it to the guy for trying, though" Derek muttered as he pulled away. "I know from experience that you're not easy to approach at the bar."

She cocked her head and met his eyes. They had never really discussed their first meeting. "I'm not, huh?"

He shook his head, his eyes sparkling. "Nope. It's a good thing I'm very brave."

She laughed, and his smile widened at her reaction. "Well," she joked. "You may be brave, but he had a better line..."

His bottom jaw opened for several seconds with out any sound erupting, and then he gasped and glared at her. "How do you figure?"

"_Is this a good place to hang out_? Not very discreet. Now; _is this seat taken_?" She smirked, her eyes sparkling as she gently mocked him. "Much more inconspicuous. And it works on more than one level."

He glowered at her. "Maybe I wasn't trying to be inconspicuous. Maybe I was going for something _conspicuous_."

She laughed and reached for his hand. "You were going for conspicuous, huh?"

He squeezed her hand and nodded. "Of course. I had a feeling it was exactly what I needed to get through to you..."

"You had a feeling?"

Derek nodded. "Yup, and it worked. I definitely got through to you." He smirked.

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that you finally admitting to being the one who took advantage?"

He stuttered several times, scrounging for something to say in response. "No...I...it was you who took advantage..."

"Whatever you say, Derek," she placated.

He growled deep in his throat and pulled his stool closer, his arm wrapping securely around her waist when they were pressed close together. "To be honest," he started, his voice taking on a much more serious tone, "I did whatever I could to get you to talk to me. I didn't exactly go in with much of a strategy."

"You did okay."

"Yeah?"

She shrugged and laid her head on his shoulder. "Like you said, you were successful."

His arm tightened as he rested his head on hers. "I was lonely," he admitted quietly.

"Me too."

"I think I was lonely for a long time; and I didn't even realize. I'm not lonely anymore."

Meredith smiled and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I'm glad," she whispered, her hand reaching to brush through his hair. "I'm not lonely either, and I don't ever want to be again."

He captured her wandering hand in his and smiled warmly at her. "You won't. _We_ won't."

She hesitated for several seconds. "Derek, are you ever... Do you ever worry that things could change?"

"Sometimes," had admitted. "But I know I'll do everything in my power to ensure it doesn't."

"Okay, and me too. I'll do everything I can too." She offered him a smile. "And if I'm doing anything wrong, can you sort of prompt me to fix it?"

He sighed and lifted his free hand to her cheek. "Mer, I'm telling you, you need to have some more faith in yourself. Learn to trust your instincts."

She smiled in full, even going so far as to roll her eyes in good humour. "Well, could you keep an eye on me while I'm learning to trust my instincts then?"

"Okay."

"Well, did you want to go home and see if we can convince Izzy to let us have some turkey?"

"Only if you're ready to go."

"I don't want to keep you at a bar all night on Thanksgiving, Derek."

He smiled at her. "Hey, the thing I'm most thankful for is here with me, so I couldn't care less."

Meredith felt her heart swell at his words, leaving her chest tight and her throat a little dry. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And you really don't mind missing the whole turkey dinner thing?"

He shrugged. "Tell you what, we'll have a great big dinner next year to make up for it."

She breathed and leaned into his warmth again, the importance of his words invading her mind. They had a _next year_. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Can we stay for one more drink?"

"Sure," he told her, motioning to Joe for another round.

They remained silent, taking comfort from the other until Joe set their drinks down with a nod. Derek slid hers close to her, and picked his up. "To Holden," he said gently.

She lifted her glass and clinked it against his. "To Holden," she echoed. Life was unpredictable; it could change in the blink of an eye, but as she eyed the dreamy man beside her, she was reminded that it could change for the better. She was determined to live in the present and make this work. She wouldn't let the fear of losing prevent her from living. And she would always have Holden's memory to remind her.


	14. Quints part 1

Derek looked up from his chart at the sound of someone clearing their throat. He sighed and met the eyes of his ex-wife. "Addison," he greeted with a nod. They had been effectively ignoring each other for weeks now, and he would be lying if he didn't admit he was interested to know what she had to say to him now.

"I need you for a consult on one of the quints. If you're free," she added quickly.

"Richard mentioned we were on standby."

Burke laughed from beside him. "Yes, apparently our departments are at her disposal."

Addison ignored their comments. "Do you have time to meet the mom now? I want her to meet all of the surgeons on her team before the birth."

"Oh, of course," Derek spoke sarcastically. "It's not like I have my own department to run."

Addison sighed in the way that said she was annoyed, but remained silent.

Derek bit back the urge to bait her further, but swallowed his comment. "Fine. I'm free now, if you're ready."

"Thank-you." It was short and blunt, but it was something.

"I'll be there as soon as I'm out of the OR," Burke spoke.

"Thank-you, Preston," she thanked him, much more meaningful than she had to Derek.

Derek rolled his eyes as he stood, and stiffly followed the familiar red hair to the patient's room. He would never refuse to treat a patient, but he was not looking forward to working with Addison. Although they weren't talking, it hadn't presented much of a problem, as they didn't need to be able to at work. But the prospect of a neonatal neurosurgical case promised plenty of interaction. No matter how angry he still was with her, he knew Addison was very good at her job. She always kept close tabs on all of her young patients, even those being treated by other departments. And she was too big of a person to let her personal feelings get in the way.

He leafed silently through the chart until they arrived at the patient's room, both seeming to step through a portal as they stepped into the room. Their demeanours towards each other changed to strictly professional, and stayed as such, as Derek explained the operation necessary to counter hydrocephalus before Lucy ended up with brain damaged.

000

The first relief Derek had felt all day was the sight of his girlfriend sitting alone at the edge of the cafeteria. He quickly purchased a salad and water, and made his way to her table.

"Hey," she greeted softly, having glanced up and caught his approach.

"Hey," he responded, leaning close to kiss her before settling beside her, and making her laugh as he stole a fry from her plate. He also decided not to mention the small side salad that was sharing the plate, and chose instead to take it as a silent victory.

"You look like crap."

He snorted. "Thank-you, Meredith, coming from you that means so much."

She laughed and playfully bumped him with her shoulder. "You know what I meant. What's up?"

"Nothing new. Addison's driving me crazy. She had me consult for one of the quints."

She nodded. "Yeah, I heard about the quints. George is determined to get in on that."

He met her eyes and blinked, suddenly realizing how novel a case it was, and how important it should be to every intern in the hospital to get involved. And just how much of a strain Meredith's professional life took for being with him. He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Mer. I didn't even consider that you would..." he trailed off. "I'm sorry I complicate things for you."

She offered him a small smile and a shrug. "It's okay. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty."

"I know, but our relationship is compromising your career."

She shrugged again. "It's just neonatal; I never had much interest anyway. I'll take the hit."

"If I was a better guy, I'd walk away."

She smirked, recognizing his words from a conversation they had had many months prior. "Yes, you would."

Derek tilted his head and met her gaze, his tone suddenly back to serious. "Do you want me to be a better guy?"

Her expression dropped and she reached for his hand. "Derek, you are a wonderful guy. And I love you. And if you walk away for something like this, I may just have to track you down and beat the crap out of you."

He allowed himself a small smile. "With your tiny, ineffectual fists?"

She smirked. "Damn right. But seriously, Derek, my mother chose her job over every other thing in her life. And now she's sick and all she's got left is me." She shook her head. "I don't want to be anything like her. I want to have a life, and a good job. Not a job that is my life, and nothing else outside the hospital."

"But-"

She shook her head. "I'll take as many hits as I have coming. _This,_" she motioned towards the two of them, "Is totally worth it."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely."

He breathed a sigh of relief at her words and wrapped his arms around her. "Thank-you," he whispered into her hair. "And I'm sorry I'm being crazy, it's just... She's driving me crazy."

"I know."

He released her and breathed deep, forcing his tension out with his exhale. "Okay, new subject, any interesting patients?"

She shook her head. "A guy with priapism, who's claiming not to have taken any EDs."

Derek scrunched his face. "Been there."

He stabbed his fork through a few pieces of lettuce, but paused with the utensil only inches from his mouth when he realised his girlfriend was staring as him, her expression amused, with an eyebrow raised. It was then that he realized what he had said.

He dropped his fork to his plate. "I meant as a doctor," he stuttered.

Her lips tightened as she bit back a laugh. "Suuuuure." She drew out the word.

"No. You don't... I didn't mean it that way... I meant, I've been the intern treating these guys, not that I've ever been the guy who..." He shook his head. "I didn't mean it that way!"

Her hand came to her mouth as she tried to cover her laughter.

He swallowed, forcing his body to calm down. He leaned in close and lowered his voice. "Let me assure you I have never needed any help in that department. I've never needed any pills."

"Derek, it's not a big deal, lots of guys need a...boost. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Her voice was light and joking. She believed him, but she had caught him in a slip of the tongue, and she was going to milk it.

He growled. "I'll show you right here and right now that my boost is all-natural."

She met his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "Right here, huh?" She glanced at the table and then back to him.

He nodded. "If that's what it takes."

She laughed. "I think I'm good, thanks."

He smirked. "You are good. But I'm better."

She swiped a hand at his chest. "So not what I meant."

"I'm just doing what you did, taking things out of context."

She rolled her eyes in good nature. "Whatever."

He smiled and kissed her before turning back to his lunch, taking another silent victory.

"Oh," Meredith spoke after several moments of comfortable silence. "Burke keyed Cristina."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did he take a page out of your book and leave it with a note?" He asked sarcastically, unable to resist the urge to gently mock her.

"Actually, smartass, he did." She mock-glared at him. "He left it in a coffee cup with a note, the first time she had ever even been to his apartment."

Derek furrowed his brow. "The first time she'd ever been to his apartment? What, have they always stayed at hers?"

Meredith shook her head. "I don't think he's ever been to hers."

"Then how..." He trailed off. "You mean they've only ever been together here?"

She nodded. "Yup."

"Hmm." He shook his head, realizing the differences between the two relationships, and immediately thankful for the one he was in. "Well, then..."

Meredith laughed. "Like the total opposite of us."

He smirked. "We could change that. I still have an office to christen..."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously? Are you that incapable of thinking about anything else?"

"I'm just making sure I don't still need to prove my manhood to you."

She laughed and leaned in close to press her lips against his. She deepened the kiss as soon as he responded and it was several moments before she pulled away. "Derek, you know you don't have anything to prove to me."

"Good." He pecked her lips. "But it's an open offer. My office is free anytime."

She was laughing as he couldn't resist leaning in for one more kiss.

000

Meredith was reading a chart as she wandered through the halls, before she was suddenly, violently, pulled around a corner to a quiet corridor. "What?" She asked her wide eyed best friend.

"He asked me to move in with him," Cristina choked out.

"He what?"

"He asked me to move in with him," she repeated. "At least, I think he did. He asked me to start thinking about moving in with him."

"Cristina..."

"Don't Cristina me," she countered. "I can't move in with him. I don't want to move in with him. Why would he even think to ask..."

"You're freaking out."

"I don't freak out."

Meredith bit back a laugh. "Fine, but you're still overreacting a bit."

"How is this overreacting, Mer? He wants me to move in with him!" She hissed.

"Cristina..." Her best friend remained silent, so Meredith took that as a sign she was ready to listen. "If you're not ready, just tell him that. I know you didn't like the key, but you don't need to use it. Just keep it and use it when you're ready."

"What if he won't wait?"

Meredith paused. "Honestly, I don't know. He's moving really fast if he wants you to move already. He should understand if you're not ready."

"Has McDreamy asked you yet?"

"To move in together?"

"Yeah."

Meredith shook her head. "No. We haven't talked about it."

"But you did the key thing?"

"Yeah; we spend almost every night together, so it made sense. I guess he practically lives with me already."

"Burke's never even been to my apartment."

"So, take him there. Tell him you're not ready to move in, but show him you want to move forward."

Cristina huffed. "You know, I was actually starting to like you, and now you've gone and let Shepherd turn you into a rational pod person."

"He did not. Trust me, you're just catching me between my regularly scheduled freak-outs."

Cristina cracked small hints of a smile. "Fine."

000

Derek was staring up at the OR board, trying to decide whether he could operate on Meredith's patient that evening or to wait until the following morning, when he was bumped into. He stumbled forward and turned to catch a glimpse of red hair disappearing around the corner. His blood pressure jumped as he fought the urge to race after her and start screaming. It took several silent repetitions of 'I'm at work, it's inappropriate,' before he turned and calmly made his way through the crowded hallway of hospital employees.

As he rounded the corner away from the nurse's station, Derek caught a glimpse of red hair boarding the elevator. He dashed across the floor and jumped through the doors just in time. Addison gasped and glared at him, but remained silent. The first sound to break the uncomfortable silence between them was the bang of Derek's hand connecting with the emergency stop button.

"Hey! You can't do that." She turned toward him, her eyes flashing, but Derek held his ground, crossing his arms over his chest and blocking her access to the controls.

"This ends now."

"What are you talking about?"

"This," he motioned between them. "This hateful, glaring, slamming into me in the halls thing."

She rolled her eyes. "I would hardly call that _slamming _into you, Derek."

"Fine. But you still hit me, and just kept walking."

"There were lots of people. And I have a busy schedule."

Derek fought the urge to yell. "Whatever. You're obviously not going to take the blame for anything here."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're playing the victim here!" He shouted. "You glare and you stomp around and do everything you can to piss me off, to make Meredith uncomfortable. Addison, you put yourself in this situation. What are you even doing here?"

She stuttered. "Richard made me an offer..."

"That's bull, and you know it. We both know you don't need the money. You're obviously miserable. You hate Seattle. You belong in New York. So really, Addison, what are you doing here?"

She met his eyes, hers angry and flashing, but with just a hint of vulnerability behind them. It saddened him to realize that only a few years before, he would have been much better at reading her, because right now, there was an expression he just couldn't place.

"I'm waiting," he prompted.

Her mouth tightened, and her anger faded for just a moment, and all he saw was a flash of pain before she masked it again. "It's none of your business, anymore." She hissed, her voice low and harsh, but it cracked just a bit. "You've made that perfectly clear." It was then that his conversation with Meredith several weeks before fluttered to his mind.

_"I think she moved here for you."_

He sighed and felt his anger drop away into something resembling compassion. "Addison..."

"Don't even go there, Derek."

"Addison," he tried again. "I'm sorry you're in pain, even if I shouldn't be sorry."

She scoffed. "That's a nice apology, really, Derek. _I'm sorry, even if I shouldn't be. _Very meaningful. Makes me feel so much better."

He felt his anger spiking again. "Wow, and here I was thinking I was doing something nice, and I get squashed."

"I don't need your fake sympathy."

"Believe it or not, that was real sympathy. But don't you worry, you won't be getting any sympathy again. Ever." He spun and slammed his hand against the emergency stop again, engaging the motor to kick in again.

"Oh, get off your high horse, Derek. You've been flaunting your sparkly, completely inappropriate, relationship with the twelve year old in my face, and you expect me not to react to that? You're an ass."

He faced her again, as if they were readying to spar off. "I haven't been flaunting anything. I'm happy. For once in my life, I'm actually happy. Why can't you just let me live my life in peace?"

She flinched, as if physically struck, and Derek felt his anger drop as he realized what he had said. "Addison..." He stepped forward.

"Don't." She spun away from him. "I have nothing left to say to you."

"I'm not trying to hurt you," he reiterated.

She scoffed. "So the kissy-face every time you two are in the cafeteria is just because...?"

"Addison-"

"My god, Derek, do you even know how inappropriate you're being. She's an intern."

"I love her."

"You're enamoured with her," she countered. "You're approaching middle age and you got bored. So you traded your wife in for a newer model. You can't seriously think it's going to last."

"Oh, I'm the one who traded _you _in? Funny, as I seem to remember walking in on you and my best friend before I even met her."

"Don't even-"

"No! You don't get to blame me for what _you_ did. Our marriage was far from perfect. We were on the way out, I'll give you that. We didn't give it any effort or time. But we were married for eleven years, and in that time, I never so much as looked at another woman. And you know that. You do not get to put this on me. We weren't perfect, but I played by the rules. I was never unfaithful to you. You cheated on _me_. So, this place you're in, you put yourself there."

"Go to hell, Derek."

The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened to reveal Meredith, looking just as surprised to see them as they were her. Addison muttered something under her breath and pushed out of the car and quickly past Meredith, who cautiously stepped on board.

"You okay?" She asked quietly as he buried his face in his hands.

"No." He sighed and dropped his hands to meet her worried gaze. "Did you hear any of that?"

The smallest hints of a smile played on the edge of her lips. "I may have heard her tell you to go to hell..."

He laughed, and felt a huge chunk of his stress disappear with it. "Yeah, she did tell me that. I think she also called me an ass."

She bit her lip and reached for his hand. As soon as she made contact, he pulled her close, his arms wrapping comfortably around her frame. "You were right."

"Hmm?" She mumbled against his chest.

"You were right about what she moved here," he clarified. "She moved here for me. And she's in pain. And I hate that I feel guilty about it, even if I haven't done anything wrong."

"Did she admit to it?" She asked softly.

Derek shook his head, leaning back to meet her eyes. "Not directly, but I see what you saw now. She did, however, accuse me of having a midlife crisis and 'trading her in for a newer model.'" He rolled his eyes.

"Well, I guess it could look that way..."

"Hey," he cupped her face with his hand, suddenly realizing he was leading them down a bad path. "It's not that way. I promise you it's not. She's just going to throw everything she's got at me."

She nodded, accepting his words. "Derek, does your... Does your family think that's all this is?"

He hesitated, a 'no' on the tip of his tongue. But she was looking for honesty, not comfort. "To tell you the truth, Mer, I have no idea what they think. I've barely spoken to them, and I avoid the topic when I do."

"Oh."

"And it's not because I don't want to tell them about you," he quickly clarified. "It's because I was mad at them. They stood up for Addison, and Mark, even after everything that happened. And they pushed me to take her back. And I just..." He sighed. "I love my family, but I kind of wanted them to be on my side."

"Okay."

The elevator dinged to announce its stop on her floor, and he followed her out of the car. "How much more do you have left?" He asked as he fell into stride beside her.

She glanced at her watch. "Another hour or two, unless you're operating on my patient tonight."

He shook his head. "No, it can wait till morning. Have him scheduled for eight."

"Okay." They rounded a corner to a quieter hallway and he gently reached out to stop her.

"Are you okay?"

She offered him a smile and nodded. "Yeah. I am. I just don't like the guilt either."

Derek sighed and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her close as he pressed his lips against her forehead. "I know, and I'm sorry for that. But you know that you have nothing to feel guilty about, right?"

"Sometimes I guess I just need to be reminded."

He leaned his forehead against hers and sighed. "I'm sorry I've put you in this situation."

"Derek..."

He smiled. "I get to be sorry, even if you don't want me to be. You don't deserve the guilt."

"Neither do you."

"We make quite a pair, don't we?"

She laughed and pulled away to meet his eyes. "We're pretty good."

"Yeah?" He felt his heart flutter.

She smiled. "Yeah. And Derek... I just wanted to say thank-you, for not pushing me."

He furrowed his brow as he worked his mind to make sense of the sudden shift in topic. "You're welcome," he said lightly. "Though I don't know what you mean."

She smiled. "Burke, uh, apparently just keying Cristina wasn't enough for him. He sort of asked Cristina to start thinking about moving in with him."

Derek sucked in a breath as he realized what she was talking about.

"And I just wanted to thank you. Because the key was enough for you for right now. And I'm just not ready for that yet."

He couldn't help the warmth he felt at her quiet words. She wasn't ready, but she was open with him about it. She was talking; comfortable enough to bring up to subject. "I know. And there will never be any pressure." He hesitated. "Do you feel pressured? I know I'm over all the time, but I-"

"No." She cut him off. "I love that you're over all the time. And I know that moving in officially wouldn't be much different, but I just... I'm just not ready for that yet."

He kissed her. "No one is expecting you to be ready yet."

"Really?"

"Really. Mer, for Burke to be asking already, well, that's really fast."

"So, you're not going to feel like we're going too slow because of them?"

He shook his head. "Nope. As I said before, all relationships are different. And I like ours right where it is right now."

She smirked. "Well, I _love_ ours where it is right now."

He rolled his eyes good naturedly. "Competitive much?"

She laughed and leaned in for another kiss. "It keeps you in line," she told him. "Anyway, I need to get back to work if I'm actually going to get away this evening. Are you going to stick around?"

He nodded. "I have a little paperwork to catch up on." He paused, "And I guess I need to try to track down Addison again. If we're going to be working together, we need to not be..."

"Screaming at each other on elevators?" She supplied.

He laughed. "Exactly." He pecked her lips. "Page me when you're finished?"

"Okay."

"I'll see you later then." He reluctantly released her from his arms. "I love you."

She smiled and kissed him one last time. "I love you, too."


	15. Quints part 2

"Addison!" Derek called as he recognized his ex-wife exiting a patient room down the hall. She paused, her back to him, but didn't turn to face him for several moments.

"What do you want, Derek?" She asked when he was close, her voice low and flat.

"I want to talk."

"I have nothing left to say to you."

"Well, I have some things to say," he told her as calmly as he could. "Do you think you could listen?"

"Derek, I just don't want to fight anymore." She remained stoic, but a hint of vulnerability betrayed her through her voice.

"Okay. We don't have to fight. I just want you to listen."

She sighed heavily. "Fine."

"Thank-you."

He led them down the hall to a small meeting room, where he silently motioned for her to take a seat and he closed the door, hoping for privacy.

She collapsed into the far chair and crossed her arms across her chest, remaining silent; obviously committing to her job to simply listen. Derek sighed and sat across from her. "I don't want to fight anymore, either," he began quietly. He had spent an hour in his office after his talk with Meredith, finishing his paperwork as he calmed down to ready himself for this talk.

She didn't speak, but met his eyes, her expression relatively unguarded in response to his softer tone.

Derek nodded his appreciation to her willingness to listen. "I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to hate you, Addison. We weren't happy for a long time. We both know that. And it was as much my fault as it was yours. I'll take half the blame for that. And I don't know what hurts more, that you cheated, or that you cheated with Mark."

She avoided his eyes, but it was out of disgrace and not anger. "I am sorry about that, Derek. I hate that I ruined your friendship."

"I know you do. And one day, I want to forgive you for that. But I can't begin to do so when all you seem to do is try to make my life difficult." He paused. "Why are you here?" He asked softly.

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"Are you here for me?" He asked hesitantly. "Are you waiting for me to come back to you?"

"I just don't know anymore, Derek."

"We weren't happy," he reiterated. "Even before Mark, we weren't happy. I think that we were headed in this direction, and all you did was speed up the process."

"Do you think we could have salvaged us, if I hadn't..."

Derek shrugged. "I don't know." He had asked himself this question. "Maybe we could have, but for how long? In retrospect, we're very different."

"That's not always a bad thing."

"Not always, but I think we're different where it counts. Addy, you want the Hamptons and charity events and designer names and private practice."

She nodded. "I do. But I can change. I don't have to have those things."

"But you shouldn't have to change to be happy."

"And I made you change too much."

"You made me change a lot. But I didn't realize what was happening. I thought that was just what you did when you were successful."

"Were you really unhappy?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I didn't even realize I was unhappy until I moved out here. I own forty acres of land and I live in a trailer and I work more hours than I sleep. And I love it."

"And you love her." She added quietly, once again averting her eyes.

"I do." He sighed heavily, not wanting to have this conversation with her, but wondering if this was what she needed to gain closure. "I didn't come here looking for a relationship. And I know it's inappropriate, but when we met, we didn't know we would work together. And when we found out, she tried to keep me out and told me nothing could happen. She's not a bad person. I don't want you to hate her."

Addison sighed heavily and hesitantly met his eyes. "I don't hate her, Derek. As much as I want to, I can't."

"Good, because she doesn't deserve that. She's a good person. And she tried to do the right thing, but right from the very beginning there was just something between us. And I know she's an intern, and that I'm looked upon badly. And I know she's younger than me. But..." he trailed off and debated whether or not to continue.

"But what, Derek?" she prompted.

"Honestly? I'm happy. I don't want to hurt her career, or mine, but she's worth it for me, and she tells me I'm worth it for her. I've never felt this way before. And I'm sorry that that hurts you, Addy, I really am. I'm sorry we never had that."

"Yeah, me too."

"It's not a midlife crisis," he spoke quietly, but firmly.

She nodded. "I think I'm starting to believe you."

"Good."

"Are you going to marry her?"

"I think so," he said gently. "It's only been a few months. And we're just taking things slow right now. And it's not fair to ask her to focus away from her career until she's done her internship."

"So, it won't be soon."

"No."

"Good."

Derek sighed as he realized why she was asking. It wasn't because she wanted to know. It was because she needed warning if she was going to be around for it. "Addy, why don't you go home?" He asked softly.

She shrugged. "Go home to what? I can't return to my friends and admit I couldn't get you to come home with me."

"Addison..."

"No," she shook her head. "It's like you said, I put myself in this situation. I don't want your sympathy. I can build a new life here. Or I'll move on to somewhere else. But I doubt I'll return to New York."

He nodded. "Okay. I won't give you sympathy, but... I am here, if you need someone to listen. Without trying to sound too cliché, I hope we can be friends one day."

"Not for a while," she told him. "But one day...I think I'd like that too."

"Good." He nodded to her and stood to leave.

"Derek, thank-you for making me talk. I think... I think it was good."

"Me too. Thanks for listening. We need to learn to get along at work."

"We do, and we will. I won't get in your way anymore."

"Thanks, Addy."

000

It was only a few hours later that Addison found herself in the OR, surrounded by just about as many doctors and nurses as would fit in the room as she carefully delivered her patient's quintuplets. Although her earlier talk with her ex-husband had been painful, she was glad they had done it, and she was pretty sure it had been helpful.

She had originally moved to Seattle for him, in the hopes that he would realize what he was missing and leave his intern. But as the weeks had gone by, she had been taken by the way he responded to the younger woman. It wasn't a cheap thing. It wasn't revenge. It wasn't a midlife crisis. He really was falling in love with her.

And now she was stuck in Seattle, unable to return to New York due to her pride and due to Mark Sloan. She had barely told him goodbye. They had been living together for several months, and she had turned a blind eye to his affairs until the stick had turned blue. And even though he had taken the news well and had been in support of having the child, Addison had scheduled the abortion. She had planned to tell him she had had a miscarriage, but when she returned home that day and met his eyes, she couldn't lie to him. A maternal instinct had kicked in upon seeing the blue stick, and she had been overwhelmed with the urge to have a child with the man she had spent the better part of her adult life with. Derek had brought up the idea of having children many times, but she had always resisted and put it off. She had never felt the urge to have children until that fateful day. And now she had no one.

She lifted the premature quintuplets carefully out of their mother's womb one by one, into the waiting arms of all five of Bailey's interns; which included Derek's intern. But it was hospital knowledge that Bailey's interns were the best. And she invited no less than the best to be on her team. Her patients were young and deserved a full life. They deserved the best.

She carefully set the final baby, Charlotte, down into the arms of Meredith Grey. Derek's intern was completely professional. She barely nodded at Addison, her attention focussed on the tiny life she held securely in her arms. She was going to make an excellent doctor, Addison thought. She had what it took.

Before closing, Addison glanced around the OR, her eyes falling on every team as they loaded their quint into the specially fitted cribs to keep them safe for transport to the NICU. Before turning back to her patients, Addison's eyes fell on her ex-husband. Even through the mask she recognized the look of happiness, love and admiration that he was directing towards his intern as she carefully worked on her quint.

It was then that Addison realized she hadn't lost the race. There hadn't ever been a race for her to lose. She had never been in the running. Derek was happy; happier than she had ever seen him. And as much as that made her sad, she lamented that maybe it was a good thing she had done what she had with Mark. Because Derek deserved to be happy. And he certainly was.

And now she had to start over. She wanted to know what it was like to be that happy.

_**AN: After careful consideration and painful debate, I have decided not to include Doc in this fic. As much as I would love to have him, I can't come up with any better reason than because I'm a dog lover. Lol. Meredith wouldn't have been depressed, and so would not have come up with the idea. Plus, Doc being in the season opens up the idea of what to do about him needing to live at the trailer, and then getting sick. And obviously, McVet will not be important to the story line anymore.**_

_**And I know this chapter was shorter than usual, and there have been some comments regarding the storyline not really moving forward, but I've now put the Derek/Addison tension to rest, so the plot will move forward. When I re-watched the episode, I was really taken by the scene in surgery where Meredith catches Derek staring at Addison, and I wanted to recreate that, but the other way around. Lol. Thanks for reading. The next chapter is almost ready and will be up soon.**_


	16. Christmas lights

"Hello?"

Derek smiled as the familiar voice filtered through the phone line. "Hi, mom."

"Derek! My favourite wayward son. I was beginning to believe you had moved to a place without phones."

Derek laughed. "Then how do you explain being able to call me every week?" He countered.

"I'm a mother, Derek. I have magical skills."

"I'm sure you do."

"So, to what do I owe this great honour?" She prompted.

He fought the urge to roll his eyes, but knew he didn't have much of a leg to stand on. He very rarely called home on his own accord. "I just wanted to call and say hi."

"You've been gone nearly six months, and suddenly you felt the urge to call and say hi?" Her tone was relatively light, but Derek could hear the undertone of disappointment.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry I've been so distant. I want to change that."

There was a long pause before his mother responded. "I'm glad to hear you say that, Derek. We all miss you."

"I'm sorry for that, too," he told her. "I miss you, too. And I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and Christmas is next week, and I don't want to be distant anymore."

"Are you...coming home for Christmas?"

Derek cringed at her hopeful tone. "No, mom, I'm sorry. I've been here less than six months; there's no way I could get off for the holidays."

"Derek, are you planning on staying out there?"

"I am," he answered quietly. None of his sisters lived more than an hour or two away from their childhood home in New York, and none of them had been further away for more than a few years for college. He could imagine the strain it was putting on his mother to have one of her children suddenly so far away, regardless of how grown up he was. "But I promise I'm going to call more. And I'll come and visit when I have a chance."

"Are you happy, Derek?"

"I'm definitely getting there. It wasn't easy to start over, but I really do think it was for the best."

"Is...Addison still out there with you?"

"She's here, but not with me."

His mother sighed heavily. "You know what I meant."

"I just wanted to clarify. We're not together, and we won't ever be again."

"Derek-"

"No, mom. We got divorced, you know that. She's working out here, too, but that's all. We don't have a relationship outside of work."

"She's sorry, Derek."

"I know she is. And I think I'm starting to forgiver her." He sighed. "But it wasn't good for a long time. It's better this way. We actually managed to sit down and talk last week without fighting, and we talked through a lot of what has happened. And we both know it's better this way."

"I just want you to be happy, Derek."

"I know, mom. And I am happy."

"But wouldn't you be happier in New York than Seattle and all that rain?"

He laughed. "The rain sucks, I'll give you that. But I like Seattle. It has ferry boats."

"So does New York, Derek," she responded in the flat, slightly exasperated voice that only a mother can perfect, as if she just couldn't bring herself to argue with her grown son over the merits of moving across the country to a new city because of something so trivial.

"Okay, I'll give you that. But it's beautiful out here. You should see the land I bought. And the hospital is amazing; much more rewarding than my practice."

"But is that enough, Derek?"

He had a feeling he knew exactly what subject she was expertly encroaching on. "Mom..."

"I just want you to be happy, Derek." She repeated.

"I am happy."

"Are you still seeing the intern?"

"Yes."

"Derek-"

"Look, I'm going to tell you what I told Addison. I know that she's only an intern. I know that she's younger than me. And I know that it looks bad. But I love her." He paused. "It's not a fling. It's not a mid-life crisis. I promise you that. She's amazing."

"Derek, sweetheart, I want to believe you, but I don't know very many 'amazing' girls who go after their married boss."

He sighed as his fingers found the bridge of his nose. The hints of a tension headache were imminent. "She didn't know I was married."

She didn't respond right away, so he chose to continue. "We met without knowing we would end up working together. And after we bumped into each other in the hospital on our first day, she told me nothing more could happen. And I chased her until she relented. And I lied to her. I never told her I was married, even when she was asking for more information."

"That's not like you, Derek."

"I know. I wasn't like me for a long time, but I'm on my way back now. And Meredith is a very important part of my life."

"What did she do when she found out you were married?"

He smiled. "She yelled; a lot. And broke up with me."

"Well, I can't say I don't approve of that."

"Me neither," he agreed with a smile. "She had every right to hate me. But she's amazing, and she forgave me."

"You really love her?"

"Very much."

"It's very soon after your divorce."

"I know. But we're taking things slow."

She paused for a moment, her breath causing a hiss of static as she breathed. "If you're happy, Derek, then I'm happy for you."

"Thank-you."

"Will I get to meet her any time soon?"

Derek flinched. "Maybe not for a little while."

"If she's an important part of your life, then I have a right to meet her."

"A right, huh?"

"Absolutely. I'm your mother."

He laughed. "You'll meet her one day," he reassured. "But not for a little while. We're taking things slow. And she doesn't have much of a family, so I don't want to overwhelm her by introducing her to you people right away."

She clicked her tongue. "We're not that bad."

"You're very overprotective. And nosy. And there are five of you. She's an only child who grew up with an absent mother."

"Well, take you time then, but I do want to meet her, and if you wait too long, I'll fly out there."

Derek laughed, but knew enough to trust his mother would absolutely stay true to her word. "Okay."

She sighed. "I'm glad you called, Derek."

"Me too. I'll call on Christmas and say hi to everyone."

"I look forward to it."

"I love you, mom."

"I love you, too, sweetheart. And I'm so glad you're happy."

000

Derek was pulled from a light sleep at the sound of the door being shut. He blinked and sat up, recognizing his girlfriend's form moving through the darkened bedroom. "Hey," he greeted groggily.

"Damn it," she muttered. "I'm sorry, Derek, I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'okay," he mumbled, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

She smiled and collapsed beside him, leaning in for a quick kiss as she did so.

"What time is it?"

She shrugged. "Almost nine." Derek had been on call the night before, and true to the December spirit, had dealt with multiple head injuries. He had chosen to leave before her and get some rest before she got home.

He swung an arm around her waist. "I must have been out for three hours."

"Nice for you."

"Says the girl who slept in her own bed last night."

"Touché."

He laughed. "How come you were so late?"

"I was helping Alex study. He failed his boards and is re-taking them tomorrow. And Izzy was pissed when she found out we were helping him."

"Everything good now?"

She sighed and leaned into his warmth. "I think so."

"Good." He kissed the top of her head.

She turned in his loose grasp and met his lips with hers, her arms reaching for his shoulders to pull him close.

"What was that for?" He asked softly when she eventually pulled away.

She smiled warmly at him. "Because you're you," she said simply. "There were so many crazy family members today. And so many arguments. And I guess I'm just happy that I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she whispered, as he seemed to fall into her eyes. He felt his heart skip a beat as he met her lips once more. She responded eagerly, moving back on the bed as he came down on top of her.

"I'm looking forward to Christmas, too," he mumbled against the soft skin of her neck as his lips travelled downwards from her mouth.

000

"Are you warm enough?" He asked quietly as her naked body shifted against his.

"Hmm," she mumbled against his chest. "Derek, you're like my own personal heater. I'm never cold anymore."

He chuckled, but pulled the comforter over her shoulders anyway. "I love you," he whispered, pressing his lips against her head.

She moved her hand up and down his chest rhythmically. "I love you too."

"What did you do today?" Meredith asked quietly after several minutes of comfortable silence. "I didn't see you much."

"I did two craniotomies on my patient. He woke up after the first one with a major personality change. A new scan showed bleeding in his frontal lobe."

"That sucks. Were you able to get at it okay?"

"I was," he told her. "And he woke up smiling."

"That's good," she commented. "He seemed like a really good dad."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed. "And I talked to my mom today."

"Okay," she responded evenly.

He smiled sadly, knowing she didn't know what else to say to that. "She wants to meet you."

"What!" Meredith's head shot off his chest, effectively disrupting their comfortably intimate position.

He fought the urge to laugh at her wide-eyed expression. "Not right away," he clarified. "But I made it perfectly clear that you are not a fling or a symptom of a mid-life crisis. It seemed to help when I talked to Addison, so I told my mom. And I'm pretty sure she gets it." He paused. "But, of course, that means she's realizing how important you are to me, and with that, she wants to meet you."

Meredith grumbled and set her head back down on his chest. "How soon?"

He shrugged awkwardly from his position on his back. "I'm not sure. I told her we needed some time. And she said that was okay, but that she would fly out here if we took too long. And trust me, it's better if we go to her, cause if we don't she'll fly out here unannounced and bring back up."

"By back up, I assume you mean your sisters."

"Yup."

She sighed heavily. "Derek..."

He laughed at her tone, and then laughed harder when she swiped at him. "You have to meet them eventually."

"But..."

"But what?"

She sighed and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I'll be horrible with the family thing."

"You'll be wonderful."

She rolled her eyes. "No, Derek, I'll be horrible. I have no experience, no knowledge on what to say, and do, and think, and how to act and-"

"Mer," he cut off gently. "You don't need to freak out."

"I can freak out if I damn well want to freak out."

He laughed at her tenacity. "Fine, freak out if you want. But I'm telling you not to worry. I'll be able to stall her for a little while, at least a few months. That gives you plenty of time to get used to the idea."

She pulled herself further up his body to rest her head beside his on the pillow, and he turned to face her, his hand finding hers and weaving their fingers together. "Can't we just pay someone to pretend to be your girlfriend to meet them?"

He snorted. "That sounds like a really bad romantic comedy."

She cracked a smile. "You're right, and extra bad for me, cause if it was a romantic comedy, you'd probably fall in love with her..."

He laughed. "It's a good thing it's not a romantic comedy, then."

She sighed. "What if they hate me?"

"They won't."

"But-"

"They won't hate you, Mer," he clarified. "I've already cleared up everything that happened, with my mother. And I'm certain she'll pass everything on to my sisters. In fact, she's probably already done so."

"But still..."

He smiled warmly and kissed her lips quickly. "Nothing they could say would change my mind," he whispered. "I love you. That won't change. They'll probably be annoying and a little judgemental, but they're sisters, it's like their genetically programmed to do so. And it won't take long before they love you more than they love me."

"And I have a few months to get used to the idea?"

"At least."

She breathed. "Okay."

He smiled warmly and kissed her again, longer this time.

"Were you lonely growing up?" He asked quietly when they pulled away.

She sighed and averted her eyed for several seconds. When she met his gaze again, he saw pain. "Yeah, I was," she admitted quietly.

He tenderly cupped the side of her face with his hand and brushed his thumb against her cheek. "I can't imagine having grown up without a mass of annoying siblings."

"I can't imagine growing up with them."

"Was you mother...motherly, at all?"

"Not really. She worked a lot. I had a series of nannies and such when I was young. And as soon as I was old enough to be home alone, I was."

"And you never had a thanksgiving," he commented, remembering their conversation about the previous holiday.

"Nope," she responded with a wry smile. "And never had a real Christmas. I mean, she'd buy me stuff when I was young, if I made sure to specify exactly what I wanted ahead of time. If I didn't, I'd get whatever was popular that year." She shrugged. "When I was older, she just gave me a check." She paused, meeting his eyes for several seconds and the look of vulnerability behind hers made his heart hurt. "One year... I guess I was around seven, I told her I wanted a family for Christmas; a mom that didn't work so much, and a dad." She cut off as her eyes welled, and when she spoke again, her voice was hoarse with unshed tears. "And she scoffed at me, but I think she at least felt guilty, because I got a ton of presents that year."

"But not what you wanted."

"Nope," she shook her head against the pillow as a single leaked out.

"Hey," he said softly, pressing close to her. "I'm sorry you didn't get much of a childhood, Mer. You deserved one."

She breathed a shuddery breath against his chest. "Thanks." She breathed again. "It's just...I knew I missed out on a lot, but I convinced myself it made me stronger and that it wasn't a big deal, that I didn't need it. But then I met you, and you make me want to experience these things, but I feel like I'll always be doing something wrong, like I missed too much."

Derek sighed as he pulled her even closer. "Don't ever think that, Mer. You haven't done anything wrong."

"But-"

"You're perfect, just the way you are."

She sighed. "You may think that, Derek, but what about your family? I can't deal with all of them laughing at me when I don't know how to cope."

He was surprised to feel the backs of his eyes stinging at her openness. "They won't laugh at you. They're annoying, and they're nosy and over-involved, but they're good people." He sighed and tightened his grip. "Tell you what, when you're ready, we'll just fly out for a weekend, and stay away from any holiday the first time. Just a quick couple of days."

"I think I can handle that," she said quietly.

"Okay." He kissed her gently. "I love you so much."

She sniffed and offered him a brave smile. "I love you, too, Derek."

He smiled and carefully brushed a few strands of hair off her face. "Can I ask you a question?"

She nodded.

"What happened to your dad?"

Her expression darkened. "I don't know." They had never discussed any of her past beyond a shallow few talks about her mother. "He left and then my mom and I moved to Boston. I never saw him again."

"Do you remember him?"

"A bit," she admitted. "I have a few fragmented memories, but nothing solid. I was only five when he left."

Derek sighed. "I can't imagine how any man would just leave their child and never see them again." The death of his father at such an early age had shocked his family. But his father had been a wonderful man, and only death could have kept him from his family. He shook his head. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"It's okay," she told him. "It was a long time ago, and that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right? Ask about those things?"

He smiled. "Yeah."

"Then it's okay. Even if it's hard, I still want to do this right."

"Okay."

She hesitated. "Is there anything else you want to know?"

He kissed her, overwhelmed by her strength. "Not tonight," he whispered.

"Thanks."

He loosened his hold as she readjusted herself against him, and then closed his arms when she stilled. Her breaths began to even out and he closed his eyes, knowing now, more than ever, that he had made the right choice. The thought of not having these moments sickened him.

He was just drifting off when he was jolted by a crashing sound from downstairs.

"What was that?" Meredith mumbled.

"Sounds like something fell."

She groaned and rolled out of bed. "I better go make sure it wasn't Izzy passing out while spending her second night in a row turning my living room into santa's freaking village." She padded across the floor to pull pajamas out of her drawer.

Derek laughed and joined her at the dresser, pulling out his own pair of sweats.

"You don't have to come with me."

He smirked. "What if it's a burglar and I have to protect you?"

She laughed. "I think a burglar would be scared off by the mass of decorations."

"Hmmph," he mumbled, causing her to laugh louder and place a kiss on his lips.

"Come on, then," she muttered as she grabbed for his hand and led him out the door and down the stairs.

They came to a stop at the room previously known as the living room, and Derek caught sight of two bodies sticking out from under the massive Douglas fir that barely resembled a tree anymore with the multitude of decorations. Meredith glanced at him with an eyebrow raised and shook her head.

"What are you two doing?" She called.

"Lights," Izzy answered. "They're pretty from here."

"What was the crashing noise?"

"That was George."

George lifted his hand from the other side of Izzy. "I didn't see the stuffed santa in the doorway," he explained.

Derek glanced to his left, and sure enough, there was a newly acquired stuffed santa with two reindeer, sitting on the floor.

"Come look at lights with us," Izzy called.

He could tell Meredith was hesitating, so Derek squeezed her hand and stepped towards the tree, pulling her with him as they navigated stepping over the strewn bodies together. She smiled at him and dropped to lie beside George. Derek turned and smiled at the four stockings hanging across the mantle. He had been pleasantly surprised to find his own name hanging beside Meredith's that morning. Even if he was outwardly commiserating with his girlfriend regarding her roommate's overindulgence in decorations, there was a small part of him that was silently excited about it. He loved Christmas.

Lying down, Derek pulled his head under the tree, smiling when Meredith snuggled close to him and reached for his hand. He lost track of the time they spent there, sprawled on the floor, fingers weaved together, heads just touching. And a week before Christmas, he found he already had more Christmas spirit than he could remember in so many years prior.


	17. Christmas

It was still dark when the alarm clock set loose a cascade of Christmas carols playing on the local station. The body behind her shifted as Derek buried his face into the back of her neck. Meredith smiled sleepily, her hands finding the arms wrapped securely around her torso, and tracing across his forearms to his hands. He squeezed her fingers as she weaved them with his, and she sighed happily at the contact.

They needed to get up soon, but she was content to lie in his arms, listening to carols, revelling in her first few conscious moments of the day. Her first Christmas with him. Her first Christmas with anyone, really.

Even breaths transferred through her back as his strong chest expanded rhythmically. He was still awake, but not moving to get up either; and she had a feeling he was doing exactly what she was. It was their first Christmas together. They both wanted to make the moments last as long as possible.

The low key, quiet, Christmas carol turned into a loud version of Jingle Bells, causing Meredith to wince at the sudden assault. She reluctantly reached to turn off the alarm, wishing the moment didn't have to end.

"Merry Christmas," Derek mumbled, his lips meeting the back of her neck several times.

"Mmm, Merry Christmas," she responded, shifting in his grasp to face him. She smiled at him when they were face to face and leaned in to kiss him. "I don't want to go to work."

He laughed and reached for her hand. "Me neither." They were both working the early shift, but would be off in time for dinner.

Meredith sighed heavily. "We have to get up."

"We do," he agreed.

She giggled. "I don't see you getting up."

"I'm comfortable."

"Me too." Meredith closed her eyes and leaned her forehead to rest against his. It was a good feeling; to be happy. After several moments she sighed and pulled her head away. "We're going to be late if we don't hurry."

"If we share a shower, we'll make up some time."

Meredith laughed. "What am I going to do with you?"

"I could think of a few things..." He raised an eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes and kissed him quickly before pulling away from him and rolling out of bed. She shivered as the chilly morning air hit her bare skin and she quickly pulled on her robe. Turning back to the bed, she met his hooded gaze and smirked. "Are you coming?"

He didn't waste any time to jump out of bed and don his own robe. "Good way to start the day." He grabbed her hand.

Meredith laughed and let him lead her across the hall to the bathroom.

000

The waiting room was quiet when they walked through the front doors of the hospital together. Only a few families sat scattered through the chairs. A large, fake, tree and a number of wrapped boxes sat in the far corner. The coffee cart was open, and Meredith smiled at the sole worker behind the counter, decked out in a red and white stripped shirt and a plush santa hat.

"Two large coffees, please," Derek ordered for them, passing a five across the counter with a simple, "Keep the change."

Meredith reached for his hand and leaned against his shoulder as they waited quietly for their ever important breakfast beverages to be poured. To her surprise, even after their time consuming activities, they were a few minutes early for their shift. More moments to take advantage of.

"Here you go, sir," the coffee cart attendant pushed two steaming cups across to them. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you," Derek responded with a smile as he picked up both coffees and passed one to Meredith.

"Merry Christmas," Meredith called as they turned and headed for the elevator. "Thanks for the coffee, Derek," she mumbled as she dipped her nose towards the lid to inhale the sweet smell of coffee bean.

"You're most welcome," he told her as he reached for the button to call the elevator. "But that's all you get for Christmas," he said lightly, a sparkle in his eyes when he turned to her.

She laughed. "Well, then, I already gave you yours too..."

He narrowed his eyes. "And that would have been?"

She smirked and leaned in close. There was no one around to hear, but she wanted to be careful anyway. "Shower sex."

He laughed and hooked his free hand around her waist. "Right. Good present. I really liked it. It's already on my list for next year."

Meredith smiled and leaned over to kiss him. She didn't usually like to be so touchy with him at work, but right now she didn't care. Because it was Christmas. And she was happy. And he was planning on them having a _next year_.

The beep of the elevator pulled her lips away from his, and Meredith faced forward just in time to catch a flash of blonde exiting the elevator before she was pulled into a tight hug.

"Merry Christmas!" He roommate called excitedly.

"Merry Christmas, Izzy," Meredith responded, more quietly, but just as happily. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

Izzy pulled back and smiled. "More than I expected. Pretty quiet night." She smirked. "And I probably got more sleep here than I would have at home with you two..."

Meredith felt her cheeks redden as she swiped at her roommate. "Shut up!" She hissed, expertly ignoring Derek's laughter.

Her roommate laughed. "Merry Christmas, Dr. Shepherd," she told Derek with a smile.

"Merry Christmas," he replied warmly.

"Well, I need to get home," Izzy said excitedly. "The turkey won't cook itself. Are you two still planning on coming?" Izzy was set to cook her second turkey dinner of the month; this time on her own. Burke and Cristina were off, but not eager to spend the day in the kitchen as with Thanksgiving. Cristina had actually been eager to work; she didn't celebrate the holiday and would have had the run of the floor, but Burke had pulled some strings to get them both the day off. George was spending the morning with his family, and then working the evening shift. And Alex had been effectively banned from their house after Izzy had caught him with Olivia.

Meredith nodded. "Absolutely."

Izzy narrowed her eyes. "Really? Because you never showed up on Thanksgiving..."

"We're sorry about that, Iz, but I promise that, barring any major emergencies, we will be there tonight."

"Great! I'll see you after five?" She barely waited for a response before she turned and hurried across the lobby towards the door.

Meredith shook her head as she boarded the elevator with Derek. "I don't understand how she can have so much energy so early in the morning, especially after being on call overnight..."

Derek shrugged. "It's a mystery." He stepped forward, his hands finding the elevator wall on either side of her waist, effectively trapping her in a tight enclosure.

"What are you doing?" Meredith whispered, her hands snaking out to latch onto the lapels of his jacket.

He smirked and leaned in close, his nose almost touching hers. "Getting my Christmas elevator kiss."

She laughed. "Your Christmas elevator kiss?"

He nodded. "It's a very important tradition for us."

"How can it be a tradition, if this is our first Christmas?"

His hands shifted from the back wall to her hips. "Okay, so it's not a tradition yet, but it should be..."

"Sounds good to me." Meredith pulled him close by the lapels of his jacket, closing any remaining space between them and pressing her lips against his. Her hands slipped up around his neck on their own accord as she lost herself in the feeling of being with him.

It was several moments before the elevator dinged to announce its arrival on the surgical floor, pulling them away from each other just in time for the doors to open.

"I'll see you soon," Meredith told him as she backed off the car. She needed to head to her locker room and get changed, while Derek was on route to his office.

000

Meredith had never worked Christmas day before, but she could remember going to Boston General many times to see her mother on Christmas. It was the only way she had been able to see Ellis on most holidays. She had learned that the hospital was a different place on the holiday. Very few worked, but those who did made the most of it. They didn't complain, as might be expected, but were cheerful and exuberant and wore holiday attire. Within an hour, Meredith had become accustomed to the array of music and singing and red colours.

And the best part of all was that pretty much every patient stable enough to go home for the day had gone home for the day, leaving the staff with little work to do.

"I'm sorry you couldn't be with your family today, Mrs. Jenkins," Meredith spoke apologetically at the older woman. She was the only intern on the floor at the time, and she, Derek and a general resident, Dr. Deston, were doing a modified version of rounds. The attendings didn't schedule surgeries on Christmas, so instead of keeping to their own patients, were in charge of the floor, barring any emergencies. An attending or upper year resident from each department was on call at home for any such situation.

"It's okay. The important thing is that I'll be home next year." She had been in a severe car accident two weeks before, and it had been touch and go for a while. But she had pulled through, and although she was not stable enough to be home, she was well on her way to recovery.

"Is your family going to come and see you?"

Mrs. Jenkins smiled. "My husband is going to bring the kids after they open their presents from santa."

Meredith smiled. "I'm glad to hear it." Rounds were much slower and much more casual on Christmas, and she decided she liked that. It gave her a chance to actually interact with her patients, instead of being on guard to have questions thrown at her at all times. "Well, anyway, Mrs. Jenkins, your scans from yesterday look very good. We're hopeful that you'll be home in time for the new year."

She beamed. "Oh, thank-you, I'm so glad to hear that. I hate missing the holidays with my kids."

"How old are your children?" Derek asked, stepping up beside Meredith.

"Four and six."

He smiled. "Those are good ages for the holidays."

"Do you have kids?"

Meredith felt her breath catch, even though the question wasn't directed to her.

"No, I don't," Derek responded, and she could detect just a hint of sadness in his voice. "But I have fourteen nieces and nephews."

"Fourteen?" Mrs. Jenkins shook her head with a smile. "You must come from a large family."

"Four sisters," he replied wryly.

"No brothers?"

"Nope."

She laughed. "That must have been tough."

"It was."

"I can commiserate," Dr. Deston spoke up from the other side of the bed. "I had three sisters."

Derek laughed. "It wasn't easy."

"Nope."

"What about you?" Mrs. Jenkins turned her attention to Meredith.

"Oh, no. No sisters. Or brothers. Just me." She felt Derek brush along her elbow, reacting to her tone, but not wanting to look unprofessional in front of a patient.

Mrs. Jenkins nodded. "I grew up in exactly the same way," she said flatly. "It was lonely."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed.

"But I met David, and he convinced me family was important." She shook her head. "I can't imagine my life any other way."

Meredith smiled at her. "Good for you."

"And now I should be home for New Years."

"Our fingers are crossed for you."

"Thank-you."

Meredith nodded. "You're very welcome."

"We should move on to our next patient, Mrs. Jenkins," Derek spoke. "Do you have any questions before we go?"

"Nope, I'm good."

"Well, Merry Christmas, and I'll be by later to check on you."

"Merry Christmas to you, too; to all of you."

They said their goodbyes and stepped out of the room, meeting Alex in the hallway.

"Ah, Dr. Karev, will you be joining us for rounds?" Derek asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the pit. A guy actually wanted to bring a reindeer home for his kids, only the closest he could get was a deer. And he tracked it down overnight, and when he actually caught it and was trying to strap antlers to it, the thing bit him..." Alex laughed. "Now he's worried he has rabies..."

Derek cracked a smile. "People will always do stupid things, Dr. Karev. That's part of the fun of being a doctor. I once had a patient who tried to go down the chimney in a santa outfit. He got about halfway before he got stuck. It took them two days to get him out. And we had to treat him for exhaustion, dehydration and mild hypothermia."

Alex shook his head.

"The stupidity of the human race," Meredith muttered.

"What was that, Dr. Grey?" Derek asked with a quirked eyebrow.

"That's what Bailey called it, on Thanksgiving, the stupidity of the human race. She said she liked working Thanksgiving because she always got lots of surgeries."

Derek laughed. "I'm sure she did."

They slowly made their way through the floor, checking on the remaining surgical patients. Derek and Dr. Deston were paged to the pit when a couple of accident victims were brought in, leaving Meredith and Alex on the floor.

"This is painfully boring," Alex complained as they leaned against the empty nurse's station.

Meredith shrugged. "It's not so bad. Hey, did you hear about your test results yet?"

"Nope."

"How soon will you?"

"Don't know."

"Oh, well, for what it's worth, I'm sure you passed."

He scoffed. "I thought I passed the first time."

"Are you okay?" She asked gently. He seemed more down than usual.

"I just hate the holidays."

"Oh... Are you sure that's all it is?"

"Yup." His reply was terse and short.

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Alex. You just seem down."

He met her gaze and looked ready to tell her off, but he paused and his expression softened. He glanced around to ensure they were alone. "I just hate the holidays," he reiterated. "Especially Christmas. I have horrible memories from growing up. And they're obviously not going to be replaced any time soon..."

Meredith sighed, feeling for her friend. It wasn't easy to be alone. She could speak from experience. Her friends had become her family, but Alex had been banned from celebrating the holiday with them. And even though she knew he put himself in the situation, she couldn't help but feel bad for him anyway.

They broke off from each other, each turning to wander half of the floor, checking on their patients. She paused in the doorway of Mrs. Jenkins room, smiling at the sight. A young boy was curled in her lap, with a slightly older girl sitting beside her in bed, talking animatedly. Her husband was sitting next to the hospital bed, his hand on his daughter's back, just to make sure she didn't topple back, as she was sitting near the edge.

"...You should have seen it, mommy!" She was saying. "Santa brought us so many presents."

"That's wonderful, honey." Even in her injured state, she was upbeat and enthusiastic for her kids.

The little boy sat up. "Santa brought me a twain!"

"A train! Lucky you. He must have known how good you were this year."

He nodded.

Mrs. Jenkins smiled at her son, and her eyes lifted as she caught sight of Meredith in the doorway.

Meredith smiled and stepped into the room, reaching to pull the chart off the foot of the bed. "I'm just here to check your vitals."

"Are my mommy's doctor?" The small girl asked.

Meredith nodded. "I'm one of them."

She crawled closer to Meredith, stopping by her mother's knees, oblivious to her father's hand still following her carefully. "Mommy said you saved her life."

Meredith glanced up from her chart, meeting the innocent eyes of the small blond girl. She glanced up to her mother, who nodded. "Your mother was very hurt when she was brought in," Meredith said gently. "But we have some very good doctors here, and she was very strong."

"I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up, so that I can save people's mommies."

She couldn't help the smile that fluttered to her lips. "Good for you." She finished making notes into her chart and set it down, stepping up to the side of the bed. "How's your pain?" She asked gently. "Do you want anything?"

Mrs. Jenkins shook her head, her hand stroking her son's head. "Oh, no, I'm fine. They're all the pain relief I need."

"You must have gotten the short straw, being stuck working Christmas and all," her husband commented with a wry smile.

Meredith smiled. "It's not so bad. I'm off at five."

"Big family dinner?"

The thought made her smile. "Kind of. My friends and I are having a dinner. When you spend this much time in the hospital, your friends kind of become your family."

"It must be tough, not to be able to see your real family."

Meredith sighed. "I guess my friends are the only family I have."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mrs. Jenkins spoke up.

She shrugged. "It's not a big deal. It means I don't have to worry about missing holidays."

"I used to feel that way, too. Tell me you at least have someone to spend it with?"

Meredith smiled. For the first time she could say she did. "Yeah, I do."

"Dr. Shepherd?"

She stuttered. "How...how did you know?"

"Oh, please, dear, I knew there was something between you the moment you two first walked into my room last week."

"I'm sorry, we really try to be professional at work..."

She waved a hand. "Nothing to apologize for. You did nothing wrong. I just notice these things." She smiled at Meredith. "And he has a big family."

She nodded. "He does."

"And that scares you."

She laughed. "Like you wouldn't believe."

Mrs. Jenkins clucked her tongue. "For a doctor, you don't have a great memory. I said I grew up alone as well. I know exactly how you feel." She motioned towards her husband. "David has two brothers and a sister. And aunts and uncles and cousins."

Meredith laughed. "You really do know how I feel."

"I do, and trust me, Dr. Grey, from someone who has been through it, even though it's scary, it's worth it."

000

It was noon when Meredith sitting cross-legged on the couch in Derek's office, facing him as he mirrored her position. They were sharing an array of salad, French fries and Christmas cookies between them. Derek, for his part, was forgoing his strictly health foods kick for the day, and had eaten more fries than he had salad so far.

"Stop hogging all my fries!"

He laughed at her, reaching to snatch two more. "Your fries? I thought they were _our_ fries?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, they're _my_ fries and _your_ salad..."

"Well, that hardly seems fair."

She laughed. "That's how it is every time we eat lunch together here."

"Yeah, but it's Christmas. I want Christmas food."

"I didn't realize fries were Christmas food," she shot back.

"They're not. But they're the closest I can get in the cafeteria."

She shook her head as he grabbed another one. "What would you normally have on Christmas?"

He sighed. "Well, we'd always get up really early cause the kids seem to have it in their minds that if they don't open their presents before sunrise, they don't get to keep them..."

She laughed.

"So, we'd have cinnamon rolls and bagels and hot cross buns and stuff, anything easy to prepare in the morning. And lunch would be pretty informal, the adults would take turns having naps, so we'd make a bunch of hors d'oeuvres and sandwiches and such. And then, of course, a huge turkey dinner, at like four, because we'd have been up since four in the morning."

"And early to bed?"

He laughed. "Well, for the kids. We'd have recovered with the help of our afternoon naps, so the adults would stay up."

"That must be nice."

"Yeah, it is." He sighed and she reached for his hand.

"Do you miss them?"

He met her eyes evenly and nodded. "I do. And I know it's stupid for a grown man to be homesick, and I really didn't get to see them all that often, especially the last few years..." He shook his head. "But it's Christmas..."

She squeezed his hand. "You can go and visit them, Derek. I...we can go and see them. I'm...working on...being ready."

Nothing could prepare her for the beaming smile that took over his facial features. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"That's the best present you could give me today."

She bit her lip, fighting to keep her eyes on his. It was scary and overwhelming, but it was what she wanted. "Having someone to be with today is my present."

He leaned across the precariously placed food and pressed his lips against hers. "I love you so much, Meredith."

She smiled when she met his honest eyes. "I love you too, Derek."

He moved the food onto the floor and motioned for her to come closer. She scooted over and settled herself in his arms, making him laugh when she reached for the fries and set them in her lap.

"What am I going to do with you?"

She shook her head. "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

She grumbled and pushed his hand away as he reached his fingers towards the plate. "You don't get any if you're being mean to me."

He laughed and his other hand found the ticklish spot along the side of her ribs, forcing her attention away from the fries for long enough to steal some.

"Mean," she mumbled.

He kissed the back of her head. "I only want a couple."

She huffed, leaning back against him and smiling as his chin found a resting place along her shoulder. "Comfy," she whispered.

"Very," he agreed. There was a pause and then, "Crap."

"Crap? You're sitting here, all cuddly with me and you say crap? That's not good for the ego, Derek."

He laughed. "Nothing to do with you, I'm loving the cuddling with you. But I promised my mother I would call home."

"So, call...oh, unless this is something you need to do alone," she sat up and tried to pull away.

Derek closed his arms around her, keeping her close. "No, please don't do that. I can call them with you here, as long as you're comfortable with it."

"I'm okay."

"Good." He pressed his lips against the side of her head and loosened his grip, trusting her to stay close. He reached to his waistband and pulled out his cell phone, scrolling through the menus before he found the number he was looking for and pressed send.

Meredith bit into a fry, glad he was okay with her being there. She threaded her fingers through his free hand and waited quietly; this was a good way for her to feel like she was getting used to his family without actually interacting with them.

"Hi, mom, Merry Christmas!" Derek said suddenly.

He laughed. "Yes, I got your card. Did you get mine?"

"How early did the kids get you up?" He asked.

He grimaced. "Funny, even without the time difference, you probably got up before us."

"Yeah, I'm still at work. Another couple hours."

"No, not busy at all. I'm having lunch, actually."

"Yes, she's working too."

Meredith froze, knowing it was she they were talking about.

"Yes, she's here," Derek was saying. A pause. "Oh, I don't really think that's a good..." Another pause. "Yes, mom, I know it's Christmas." He sighed, pulling his hand away from hers to cover the microphone on his cell. She craned her neck to face him, meeting his pensive expression.

"She wants to talk to me, doesn't she?"

He nodded. "I can tell her no..."

For a moment there was nothing she wanted more than to tell him no; to tell him she couldn't possibly handle speaking to his mother. But her patient's words echoed through her mind.

_Trust me, Dr. Grey, from someone who has been through it, even though it's scary, it's worth it._

She took a deep breath and reluctantly nodded. She had to try. Any family that was related to Derek had to be worth it. "Okay, I...okay."

He looked stunned. "Really?"

"Yeah. Just, if I motion, will you bail me out?"

"Absolutely." He removed his hand from the phone and returned it to his ear, his free hand snaking around her waist again. "Mom." A pause. "Yeah, she'll talk to you. Just be...nice." He rolled his eyes. "I know you're always nice. I meant-" There was a much longer pause. He rolled his eyes again. "Okay, I'll pass you over." He gave her a supportive smile and held out the phone.

She reluctantly wrapped her hand around the small phone and used her other to block out the microphone again.

"What are you doing?"

"Making it seem like we're further away so she doesn't know I'm practically sitting in your lap," she hissed. He bit back a laugh and wrapped his second arm around her, pulling her close. Once she was comfortably settled against him, she put the phone to her ear.

"Hello, Mrs. Shepherd. Uh, Merry Christmas."

_"Merry Christmas to you, dear," a soft, older voice responded. "I'm sorry you two have to work on Christmas."_

"It's not so bad," Meredith responded, and then cringed, wondering if the polite thing to do would have been to simply agree. "I, uhm...are you having a good Christmas?" She cursed herself for such a pathetic attempt to say something.

_"Wonderful, as always. It's such a joy to have the little ones around for the holidays."_

"I think Derek said all of his sisters were there this year?"

_"He was right. All of my daughters are here, and all of my grandchildren."_

Meredith took a breath. "That must be nice."

_"It is. What about you, dear?"_

"I'm sorry?"

_"Any brothers or sisters? Or nieces and nephews?"_

Meredith closed her eyes. "No. I was an only child, so...no."

_"That's right. Now that I think about it, I do remember my son mentioning that."_

"Okay," Meredith stuttered, having nothing else to say.

There was a pause._ "You sound nervous, dear."_

"I am, a little," Meredith conceded.

_"Whatever for?"_

"Well, I, uh... You're Derek's family..."

_"That's still no reason to be nervous, dear. My son says he loves you, and that's good enough for us."_

She was speechless.

_"Though I do want to meet you in person at some point, preferably sooner than later."_

Meredith nodded. "I...you too. Derek mentioned it, and we're going to see when we can be free..."

_"I'm glad to hear it. Anyway, I'll let the two of you get back to your day. It was nice to talk with you."_

"You too."

_"And Meredith? Do me a favour, and tell my son I was nice to you. He seems to have forgotten he grew up with a wonderful mother in the time he's been gone," she said wryly._

She couldn't help but laugh. "I'll tell him."

_"Merry Christmas."_

"Merry Christmas." Meredith passed the phone to Derek, who said a quick goodbye.

He was silent as he hung up his phone and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"That was okay," she finally admitted.

"Yeah?" He asked softly.

She breathed. "Yeah. She, uh, she told me to tell you that she was nice..."

He snorted. "She took great offence to me telling her to behave."

She laughed. "She seemed...nice. Motherly, or whatever."

"She is."

"It's scary, Derek," she admitted quietly.

"I know. And I'm sorry for it."

"But I think... I think it's worth it."

He hugged her tight. "I'm glad."__


	18. Bomb

**AN: Here's the chapter revolving around the bomb. It was so long that I debated splitting it, but I didn't want to interrupt the flow. Also, I had to borrow some dialogue from the show, so I would like the reiterate that I am not affiliated with Greys Anatomy, and am simply borrowing the characters, and dialogue, for my own amusement...**

When the alarm clock chirped to announce it was time for her to rise and shine, Meredith was already awake.

In fact, she had been awake for some time. The uncomfortable feeling she had awoken with in the very early hours of the morning, which she had originally dismissed as loneliness from sleeping by herself for the first time in many weeks, had intensified. It had grown and bubbled up inside, leaving her bereft and uncomfortable and...something else.

She wasn't anxious.

She wasn't nervous.

She wasn't nauseous.

But she was something.

Because she had developed the unmistakable knowledge that something was going to happen today. Something she couldn't prevent; even if she had any idea of what that something may be. Something was going to happen. She knew.

She had a feeling.

Meredith sighed and reached blindly for the alarm clock, only swiping across her nightstand twice before her fingers landed near enough to the off button that she could find it. She sighed again and reached her hand across the far side of the bed, where the sheets were far too cold for her liking.

She had been on late the night before, and Derek had realized it had been two weeks since he had been out at his trailer. He had opted to drive out to check on it, and pick up his mail, and would see her in the morning. She hadn't been scheduled off until very late, so really, there was no reason for him to drive all the way out and back just so they could sleep in the same bed.

She had really believed that the day before. She had really believed it wasn't a big deal; that she could spend one night without him. Without his strong arms wrapped around her. Without his even breathing lulling her to sleep. Without the added warmth of his body under the sheets. It was just one night. Not a big deal.

But that had been before she had a feeling.

And now all she wanted was for the sheets next to her to be warm, heated by his body, keeping her warm. She wanted to have woken in the first hours of the night, only to burrow deeper in his arms and fall back to sleep. She wanted to have been woken up the second time by her alarm clock, and have him smile groggily and make a lewd suggestion about sharing the shower. She wanted him beside her right now. Because right now, she felt cold.

She very reluctantly pulled her stiff limbs out of bed, and padded across the hallway to have a shower alone. And very silently she showered, brushed her teeth and dried her hair. Once she had crossed back into her room and pulled on a set of fresh clothes, the bed looked too inviting and she couldn't help but tuck herself into the left side, inhaling the masculine scent that still lingered on the pillow that, in her mind, now belonged to him.

And so, she lay there, basking in his scent, wishing he was there, and wishing she didn't have a feeling. And wondering why she felt the need to revel in her memories, why she suddenly felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her issues and insecurities, that had been plaguing her less and less these days, were suddenly swelling inside her at an overwhelming force.

Her door swung open, revealing her roommate. Her roommate who was far too bright and perky on normal mornings.

"Meredith!" Izzy exclaimed. "What are you still doing in bed? We have to leave soon."

Meredith groaned and burrowed her head into the pillow.

"Seriously, Meredith. Get your ass out of bed," Izzy demanded as she approached the bed.

"I don't think I want to go today."

"Are you sick?" Without a moment of hesitation, Izzy stuck her hand down onto Meredith's forehead. "You don't feel warm."

"I'm not sick, just... I don't want to go."

"We'll see about that," she muttered as she left Meredith alone.

But she was only alone for a moment to two before Izzy came back with reinforcement.

"Okay, Meredith, why don't you want to go to work?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "I'm just not going."

"But you have to go. You're an intern, saving lives is not optional."

"Yes, it is. I'm staying home," Meredith shot back.

"You're supposed to be helping," Izzy muttered to George, who had remained silent, glancing uneasily back and forth between her and Meredith.

"Uhhh," he stammered, approaching the head of the bed. "Mer, maybe there'll be a horrible accident near by the hospital... cut a bunch of people open... sternotamies, crainitomies...that'd be fun, right?"

"I don't care about surgeries right now." She grumbled, pulling the covers over her head.

There was a faint thump and an 'owe' as Izzy shoved George away from the bed and crouched down. And to Meredith's despair, Izzy pulled the covers back. "Mer," she said softly. "Is this about Derek? Did you two have a fight?"

"No," she said flatly.

"Mer..."

Meredith sighed. "Really, no, Izzy. We didn't have a fight."

"Oh, okay, that's good. It's just...he's been here like every night for a few weeks now and..."

"There was no fighting," Meredith repeated. "He just had to go out to the trailer to get his mail and stuff. It's no big deal." But it was a big deal. Because she could really use a hug from him right now.

"Then why don't you want to go in today?"

"Because I have a feeling." And with that, Meredith pulled the pillow from the other side of the bed overtop of her head, her hand coming down on top to prevent it from being taken. Quiet footsteps thudded out of her room, and for half an hour, Meredith believed she had won.

000

"You have a feeling?" Christina's exasperated voice rand out as she entered the bedroom.

Meredith groaned and pulled the pillow off her head, coming out of her hiding place. "Yes," she conceded.

"What kind of feeling?"

"Like...I might die or something..."

Christina scoffed. "Today? Tomorrow? In fifty years?" She huffed. "We're all going to die eventually! And now we're going to be late! Let's go."

"Christina, come on," Meredith begged. _Just leave me to my feeling for the day._

Christina sighed and collapsed onto the side of the bed. "Fine. This is me being supportive."

"Really?"

"Yeah, totally supportive," she stated, her tone belaying a slight wonderment of why Meredith may doubt her intentions, oblivious to the scowl across her face and her rigid posture. Any other time and Meredith would have laughed. "Go," she prompted.

Meredith sighed, inclining her upper body on her arms. "Fine. I feel like..." She huffed. "I hate McDreamy right now, because he's so freaking perfect all the freaking time. And he does things and he says things and he's always...here. And I never needed any of that before, but the jackass makes me want things. He makes me want to be around him all the freaking time. And...one night! I have to spend one night alone, and I couldn't sleep. I woke up like an hour after I went to bed, and I couldn't sleep. And I have a feeling like I could die today. And I don't like that I want him to be here to make me feel better. And I don't like that I apparently can't handle one night without him. And I don't know how much of this freaking feeling is because he's not here, or because I actually have a feeling..."

Christina blinked twice after Meredith's rant. Then she went into action. "Oh, for..." she muttered as she stood up. "You're not seriously making me late because you miss your McDreamy..."

"Christina..."

"No, Meredith. You're upset because you're happy. Do you have any idea how twisted and...pathetic that is?" She paused and ripped the covers off of the bed, leaving Meredith even colder than before. And then she jumped onto the bed, stepping over Meredith, and started kicking. "There are people in this world who have real problems. Get your ass out of bed and get to work. Now!"

And Meredith no longer had any say in the matter, as she was forced to stand before her body was kicked off the bed to the floor. And knowing Christina, she would have been jumping on her until she got up.

000

"I miss Dr. Bailey," George muttered as he followed Izzy, Christina and Alex onto the floor, not taking part in their discussion about who was to be their resident that week.

Meredith found herself alone, suddenly caught in an eerie calm; like she knew the storm was coming. Her fingers toyed with the strap holding her gown around her waist and she shuddered. The feeling wouldn't go away. If anything, it was growing in strength, ready to hit at any moment.

"You alright?" The perfect, dreamy voice she had been missing rang out from beside her. She hadn't expected him in so early. He normally took advantage of the extra hours to sleep on the morning they didn't commute together. And for a second, the feeling gave way to the hope that he had come in early to see her, that he had somehow needed her as much as she needed him.

She turned and offered him a small smile as he approached. It was uncharacteristically empty in the halls around them, so he hooked his arms under hers and pulled her close, pressing his lips against her forehead in greeting. "Good morning."

"Morning," she responded, holding on a little longer when he tried to pull away.

"Meredith," he said softly, his hand finding her cheek. "What's wrong?"

She sighed. "I have a feeling..."

His lips flattened as he nodded. It was still too quiet. "I get those," he whispered, dropping his hand to latch onto hers.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She tilted her head. "And?"

He offered her a light smile. "If you wait long enough, it'll pass..."

She felt the corners of her lips twitch. "Vague much?"

He shook his head at her. "I'm trying to help."

"Thank-you," she told him quietly. "I'll...wait for it to pass. I don't really have any other options..."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "I'm here, if you need..."

"I know," she nodded.

"Good."

She sighed. "I should go and catch up to everyone."

He squeezed her hand. "You want to have lunch later?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice. I'll page you?"

He nodded, releasing her hand. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah." She offered him a gentle smile, but was disheartened to realize she wasn't feeling much better; or warmer.

000

Derek wasn't in his normal, upbeat mood. He had, very literally, woken up on the wrong side of the bed that morning; the side that should have been occupied by someone else. And it had been harder to fall asleep alone than he had expected. Times where he was forced to sleep in an on call room, or he was alone at his place or hers because she was in the hospital were different. There was a very valid reason to be sleeping alone. But sleeping alone in the trailer, knowing she was alone in her room... He had had trouble getting to sleep. And he had awoken before dawn and had opted to head in to the hospital early.

And then there was the whole issue with the quiet board. He wasn't nearly as superstitious as his old mentor, but years of working in a hospital had taught him to respect certain things. Surgical deaths occurred in certain numbers. If you say it's too quiet, you'll regret it. The ER is always a little more crowded on a full moon. Routine is important. And most importantly, a quiet board did not bode will for the hospital.

He sighed, his mind working back over the conversation with Richard and Dr. Burke. Not Richard and Preston, Richard and Dr. Burke. Because, apparently, Derek was not allowed to call the cardio surgeon by his first name. Even though they had worked together for some time. Even though they had performed many successful surgeries together. Even though their girlfriends are best friends.

Derek had come to Seattle to start over. And so far he had fallen in love with a wonderful woman, and that in itself was fantastic. But he missed having a sense of male camaraderie. Back in New York he had had Mark, four brothers-in-law, all of whom he talked to on a regular basis, and an array of friends in and around his practice. There was no way he was speaking to Mark any time soon. And he was far away from his brothers-in-law, meaning if he called them, he would be forced to speak to his sisters all the time. And in the hospital...well, Dr. Burke was obviously out. And Richard, a man whom had once been his mentor, seemed to regard him with an air of disappointment regarding his relationship with Meredith, which made Derek bitter, as he wasn't doing the same with Burke and Christina. And the department surgeons tended to stick to their own; but the other neurosurgeons were reluctant to be anything more than professional around Derek. He assumed it was because he hadn't risen in the ranks to his position, but had simply been recruited as department head.

He sighed, running his hands through his hair, ignoring the growing sense of distorted calm in his gut. Meredith had a feeling. And now he had a feeling. And he hadn't slept well. And the board was too quiet. And Dr. Burke was always going to be Dr. Burke. And it wasn't passing.

Today was going to be a long day.

000

Stepping up to the nurse's station in the delivery ward, Derek passed some paperwork across the counter to the head nurse, requesting she pass it on to Addison. He had already spent a few hours in his office that morning, catching up on case reports, included the unborn baby with the spinal tumour from the week before.

It had been the first time he and Addison had worked together since their talk. And to his surprise, it had gone rather well. He was finding his anger with her actions dissipating. He didn't hate her anymore. And she, true to her word, was staying out of his way; letting him be happy.

"Hey, guys, what's going on?" He asked, spotting Richard and O'Malley flanking the doors to a patient room.

"Bailey's in there," George spoke up, offering him a nodded greeting.

"Oh, Bailey's back?" He asked happily. It had been too quiet in the hospital since the short resident had been sent home on bed rest. She may be terse and short tempered and straight to the point, but Derek liked having her around. She was a competent surgeon and a truly compassionate person. And he adored her no-nonsense attitude; how she would stand up to anyone, regardless of their position in the hospital, or how much taller they were. "That's excellent," he stated, stepping up the door and peeking through, his mind not correlating the fact that Bailey was pregnant and he was in the delivery ward fast enough.

His stomach lurched at the sight before him and he quickly pulled his eyes away from the glass, shaking his head. "And her cervix is being examined by my ex-wife...which is a visual I will never get out of my head. Thanks for the warning." George had the decency to at least look sorry, but Richard didn't seem to care.

000

The page was not one he wanted to get. Even before he knew the relationship of the very injured patient to the resident he was so attached to, Derek had a feeling. Or rather, his feeling was growing. He had been wheeling his patient towards the OR, knowing he needed to get there as quickly as possible, when Izzy Stevens had come screeching towards them, the patient's cell phone still in her grasp.

"It's Bailey's husband!" She had called, her long legs pumping to catch up to the gurney in time to jump into the elevator with them.

"What?"

"It was George, who was calling," she stuttered. "He was trying to track down Bailey's husband. It's him." She stared wide-eyed down at the patient between them.

Derek had sworn and kicked the wall of the elevator, remembering the conversation he had had with Bailey so many months ago.

_"You're married?"_

_"Ten years today."_

It had been a turning point for him. It had made the decision easy. He and Addison had made it to ten years. They had gone out for a fancy dinner. His family and hers had called to congratulate them. He had bought her the requisite diamond earrings, packaged in a tin box to represent ten years. But it hadn't felt special. He hadn't been beaming and proud like Bailey had been. It had just been another day to him. Going out for dinner wasn't special. They did it once a week. Ten years hadn't made him proud. But the thought of tens years with Meredith...that had made a smile dance onto his face. And he had shoved all thoughts of obligation out of his mind, and his decision had been easy. Obvious. Not a decision at all.

But now the husband of the woman who was partially responsible for his happiness was injured. Badly. He had seen patient's die from less. But he knew he couldn't let this man die. Because he had a wife who loved him. And a son who didn't need to be born into the world the same day as his father left it. Derek had grown up without a father. He didn't wish it on anyone. He had to save Bailey's husband.

000

Meredith watched the charge nurse's face pale from her words.

"A...a code black," he tested the words. "Dr. Burke is sure?"

Meredith nodded. "He said to tell you he was sure, and to call the bomb squad." The moment Dr. Burke had turned away from Alex and let his eyes fall on Hannah, Meredith's feeling had doubled, and then immediately settled into a low lying, creeping, hiding sense of 'I told you so.' It had its chance to show its purpose and would now lay dormant for as long as it wished. There was still something more to come

The nurse took a deep breath, calming himself as an ounce of blood returned to his features. He had worked in surgery for a long time. He was well experienced, and although he had never experience this, he was trained for it. He reached for the book of emergency procedures, laughing hesitantly when the pages fell open, landing ominously on the tab labelled 'code black.'

He quickly punched the required number into the phone and held the receiver to his ear. "What's the situation exactly?" He asked Meredith.

"I'm not sure. Dr. Burke just told me to come to you. But I think...I'm pretty sure there's something in the patient."

"Unbelievable," he scoffed. "Just unbelievable." He glanced around, his eyes taking in the empty desk, and then pushed the free phone towards Meredith. "Can you call the main nurse's station for me?"

Meredith nodded, picking up the receiver and pushing the button for the station. "What do you want me to tell them?"

"To page every OR, and demand they evacuate. And then page the chief."

Before she had a chance to ask anything further, the charge nurse began speaking into the phone, and Meredith couldn't help but admire the tone of his voice; calm and rational, with a side of urgent. It was exactly what was needed to be taken seriously and gain a quick response.

Meredith quickly made her phone call, pushing the phone back towards the nurse when she was done. And she stood, stalk still, for several seconds. She had not been trained for a code black. She had, however, known what it was. As a child, she had read her mother's procedure books, often imagining herself working in a hospital. She had memorised every coloured code before she was ten.

But it still didn't mean she knew what to do. She didn't have a resident to report to. And her attending was a little preoccupied. And the chief would be preoccupied soon enough. She knew she should probably return to the main floor to await instructions, but there was something dark and controlling in the pit of her stomach, pulling her back towards the OR.

And so, she returned to the OR, joining the rest of the surgical team outside the doors. And when Dr. Burke demanded they all leave the area, she refused. She had woken up with a feeling. She had known something was going to happen. And now she had to see it through. She would stay.

000

The two way door swung shut behind the head of the bomb squad, swinging ominously back and forth in smaller iterations, until it came to a gentle stop. And for a moment there was silence. Complete, utter silence.

A real code black.

Not a drill.

He had been commanded to evacuate. But there was no way he would leave a patient to die with an open skull flap, especially not Bailey's husband. So he had allowed his team to leave. And he had ordered Dylan Young out of his OR.

He nodded his appreciation at the two individuals who had opted to stay with him. "Well." He cleared his throat. "Let's get this completed as quickly as possible."

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd," the scrub nurse next to him answered.

"Thank-you, both, for staying," he heard himself saying. "But, at any time you want to leave, you go. I will not be responsible for keeping you here."

She shrugged. "It's Dr. Bailey's husband," was her simple answer.

He nodded. "It is."

After a pause and a deep breath, he got back to work. He was going to save Bailey's husband. And he was not going to think about the bomb in the OR next door.

000

All she could do was concentrate of breathing in and out. In and out.

In and out.

The feeling in the pit of her stomach had erupted. The calm was over.

She had had a feeling. And it hadn't been because she had slept alone last night. And it hadn't been because she hadn't been able to sleep. And it hadn't been because she was cold.

She was still cold.

And all she could think about now was that she could die at any moment, and last night she had thought that sleeping alone wasn't a big deal. She didn't want to die knowing she had spent her last night alive cold and alone. What she wouldn't give right now to feel his arms around her , holding her, making her warm again. But Derek wasn't there. He was far away, likely on the main floor, safe from danger.

"What did I do?" She whispered for the umpteenth time.

"What did you do?" Christina demanded. She was wrapped in a protective jacket, scowling as she squeezed the ambo bag. "I'll tell you what you did, Meredith. You did the stupidest, most reckless thing I have ever heard of-"

"Dr. Yang," Dylan said quietly, but very firm. "I let you stay to keep her calm."

Christina silenced herself and stewed.

"You do realize how stupid that was?" Dylan conceded, turning his attention to her as he strapped a protective jacket to her body.

"It was, Mer, incredibly stupid," Christina said, jumping onto the words once again.

"Okay," Meredith found herself saying. "You know when you don't need to be made fun of? Like, when you've got your hand in a body that's got a bomb in it, and a stranger is velcroing a flap jacket to your boobs."

"You've got a sense of irony," Dylan stated, his chin right above her shoulder his arms around her waist, in a position that would be intimate if it weren't for the situation.

"Only when things are really ironic," she snapped back.

Dylan remained silent, his hands working methodically over his body as he did his best to keep her protected. But his hands felt cold against her, even through the clothing, surgical gowns and flap jacket. She was cold.

"I had a feeling," she whispered to Christina.

Her best friend's expression softened, no longer scowling, but...maybe a little worried. She didn't say anything, but she understood.

"What's that?" Dylan questioned, not missing much in his close proximity.

"Nothing," Meredith mumbled. She and Christina had an understanding. They guy who was trying to save her didn't need to know she had woken up knowing she could die today.

Once Dylan was finished with her jacket, he stepped across the room, keeping a close eye on them. He wasn't going to let the situation repeat itself again by leaving the surgical team by themselves. As soon as he had taken his place, Burke pushed through the door. Determined.

"It's time for you to go," he whispered to Christina, reaching for the ambo bag.

And Meredith proceeded to watch as Christina fought to stay, but was slowly denied by Burke. She would have loved for her best friend to be able to stay, but she understood. She wouldn't be able to stay calm if Derek had been in the room. And when Christina finally conceded, and she and Burke shared a quick moment together, Meredith felt her stomach drop out.

She had spent the night alone. The previous day had been busy. They had made their plans for the evening in the hallway in a matter of seconds. She couldn't even remember if she had kissed him goodbye before he had left for the trailer. It had busy and crowded and they didn't like making displays of their relationship at work, so probably not. They must have kissed the previous morning when they had woken up. But she couldn't remember it.

She couldn't remember the last time they had kissed. And they had thrown their last night away. And now she was cold. And there may not be a tomorrow. And all she wanted was to remember what it felt like to kiss him, to fall asleep in his arms, to feel loved. All she felt right now was cold.

000

She honestly felt like she was in a trance. She no longer felt the fear; maybe a defence mechanism, her body protecting itself from the severity of the situation. Right now she was cold and numb and uncomfortable. She wanted this situation to be over, one way or another; she needed this to be over. She needed to get her hand off of the bomb.

But they had to move to a new OR before anything further happened.

Her hand was on an unstable bomb. The OR was sitting above the main oxygen line. The whole hospital could blow up. They couldn't let that happen.

So they were moving, painfully slowly pushing the gurney down the hall. Each step was a chore, careful and deliberate. Dylan's hand was pressed firmly atop of hers, keeping it still, and she found, for the first time, a gratefulness of having the man around. He was talking to her. He was right there beside her, even though his hand wasn't stuck on a bomb. And for a fleeting moment she realized he would have been a good surgeon. He had very steady hands.

"You're doing great," he told her, his hand still preventing hers from moving.

"Let's go over it again," she requested. It was too quiet.

"The device is shaped like a rocket, about eight inches long. We have everything ready; Dr. Burke's team will be in place. My team will be in place. And I'm going to ask to you take the hand that you have in Mr. Carlson, wrap it around the device..."

"And pull it out," she finished, swallowing hard. Even though she felt numb, she knew she should be terrified.

"While keeping it level," he added. That was, apparently, very important. He had said that many times; something about not allowing the insides to shift along the outer walls of the device. The device. She loved that he was head of the _bomb_ squad and he was calling the _bomb_ a _device_.

"You know I don't like you very much," she told him. Call a spade a spade. It was a freaking bomb under her finger tips.

"I don't like you, either."

And she almost smiled at his honesty.

"What are you doing?" Cristina came running out in front of them, still dressed in surgical garb. She obviously hadn't evacuated the area like Burke had requested.

"We're moving to an OR further away from the oxygen line," Meredith answered flatly. "You know, in case we blow up."

"I distinctly remember Dr, Burke telling you to leave," Dylan spoke up, as she and Cristina had ignored his quieter demands.

"Where is he?" Cristina asked.

"He's prepping the OR."

"Then he'll never know, will he?" Cristina challenged, for the first time glancing towards Dylan.

After a moment, he conceded and let her stay, far away, but still...it was something. And Meredith needed something right now.

"Tell me something," Meredith found herself demanding. She couldn't take the silence. And she definitely couldn't take another run down of what was about to occur. She would live it soon enough.

"What?"

"Cristina. I have my hand on a bomb. I'm freaking out. It's too quiet. And most importantly, I really have to pee. Tell me anything."

"He told me he loved me. Last night. He thought I was sleeping, but I heard him say it."

Meredith sucked in a breath. _When was the last time Derek had told her?_ "Burke loves you."

"Yeah," Cristina stated, before telling Dylan to mind his own business.

"Burke loves you," Meredith repeated. _When has she last told Derek?_

"Okay, everybody has problems..."

And in that moment, Meredith was grateful for her best friend. Because Cristina wasn't looking at her like the poor girl who was about to die. She was looking at her like her friend. And she was acting as such. "Well, are you going to say it back?" Meredith needed to conversation to continue. She needed the focus to be on something else. And she was getting further and further away from her friend, even at their glacial pace.

"Of course not," Cristina sputtered. "He didn't say it to me me, he said it to the sleeping me. Reciprocity is not required." She paused. "Plus, he might blow up..."

Meredith almost smiled. "Excellent point." They were getting too far away. Meredith needed the moment to last a little longer. She looked back at her friend, only to be jarred to a stop when the wheels of the gurney suddenly stopped moving.

And silence reigned again.

All she could hear was the deep hammering of her heart beat, throbbing against her chest wall. She wasn't numb anymore. The fear was inching its way back into her being. It was too real. She swallowed hard; silently following commands as Dylan bravely led his team onward.

"Cristina," she found herself calling back, once again risking a glance over her shoulder. Her best friend was getting distant. "I..." She felt tears prick the back of her eyes. "If I..." She didn't need to finish the sentence, "Will you tell Derek for me?"

Cristina nodded.

And that was the last she saw of her friend. Her moment was over. Reality was setting in like sharp knives striking deep into solid wood and remaining; impossible to remove.

It was almost time.

000

"How's it going out there, Yang?" The intern had disappeared unexplained into the halls for far longer than Derek had liked. Something was going on.

"Everything's fine." There was something in her tone, a vulnerability that wasn't in her character.

"How's the girl with the bomb?"

"How's he doing?" She countered, her attention falling on Tucker.

"He's almost there," Derek responded. "You didn't answer my question."

"Sir?" She asked, but the tone of her voice told him she was avoiding something.

"How is the girl with the bomb?"

There was a pause before she answered; a horrible, elongated, painful pause. And in that moment he knew what she was going to say before she opened her mouth. He didn't know how that was possible, but it happened. He suddenly knew Meredith wasn't far away, on the main floor, safe from the danger. But it didn't make it any easier to hear.

"It's Meredith. The girl with the bomb is Meredith."

Derek felt his head spin to meet Cristina's gaze, searching for some sign of deception, even though he knew.

This had to be a mistake.

But before he could respond, a portentous tone filled the room.

Bailey's husband was losing his fight.

000

Tucker should have been dead. He had coded for too long. He had been unresponsive to too many rounds of epi, too many compressions.

But he had come back. And Derek had fixed the remaining damage. And now all he had to do was close. But he couldn't.

For the first time in his career, Derek's hands were shaking too hard to hold a scalpel against human flesh. Meredith's hand was on a bomb. She was seconds away from him, but he couldn't get to her. He couldn't save her. He couldn't take her away from the danger.

He also couldn't close.

"Dr. Shepherd?" His scrub nurse asked, concern lining her voice.

He nodded. He needed to finish so that he could let them out of danger. He needed to close. "I know. I'm sorry. I..." He shuddered, taking a step back from the table.

"I'm sure Dr. Grey will be fine," she offered quietly.

He squeezed his eyes shut, silently counting to five, forcing his diaphragm to stop contracting on its own accord. "Dr. Yang," he said when he opened his eyes. "Could you go and get us an update?"

Cristina nodded and turned for the door.

She was half way across the room when the ground shook. Light emanated down the hallway, flashing through the small window like a strike of lightning. A blast echoed through his ear drums. The lights flickered.

And he was out the door of the OR faster than he processed what had happened.

He didn't stop to put down his instruments, must have simply dropped them on the way, followed by his gloves. Afterwards, he would have had no idea how he had removed his head light. Or how he had beaten Cristina to the door. Afterwards he would have had no recollection of screaming her name.

It was dark in the hallway. The back up power wasn't connected to those lights. Small pieces of debris floated downwards from the ceiling. The windows to the center desk were blown out, tiny shards of glass lay everywhere. The air had a tinge of pink to it.

But Derek didn't see any of that.

He only saw the small, crumpled form lying prone on the floor before him. Silent. Still. Broken.

"Meredith!" He skidded to a top, dropping to his knees, not even feeling the small pieces of glass that cut through his scrub pants and bite into his knees. "Meredith," he repeated her name, quieter, his fingers falling to her neck, searching for a sign that she was alive.

Cristina dropped to her knees on the other side of Meredith. The door opened down the hall and one of Burke's scrub nurses came out, eyes wide.

Again, Derek didn't notice.

The artery under his finger throbbed. And he found he could breathe again.

"She has a pulse!" He practically yelled. "She has a pulse. She has..." He choked on his words. "It's even. And strong." His thoughts were being vocalized. He couldn't think in his head right now. Everything was going in slow motion. Everything was overly simple. "She's alive."

He moved his hand upward to cup her face. A drop fell from his. And it was then that he realized he was crying. "Oh, Mer..." He carefully brushed the dirty hair from her face, cringing at the cut along her forehead. It looked shallow. Not enough to warrant stitches. Not enough to indicate head trauma.

She still wasn't moving.

"I need a gurney," Derek commanded, without looking up. She was on the floor. She had obviously fallen, been forced off her feet by the explosion. There could be head trauma against the back of her skull. There could be a counter coup against her frontal lobe. She could have damaged her spine. She could have-

She moaned. And opened her eyes. And blinked.

"Meredith?" He leaned over her, trying to meet her eyes, but disconcerted when she didn't meet his. "Mer, it's me. Tell me what hurts."

She blinked again, but said nothing.

He held back a sob. She wasn't responding. Her beautiful face was covered in blood. Her body could be broken. Her eyes were distant.

"Mer, please..." He shuddered.

Her hand twitched, and then her arm lifted, reaching towards him, wobbly, uncertain, but deliberate.

He latched onto it, both figuratively and symbolically. He threaded his fingers through her and took this as a sign of hope. Movement of the upper extremities. That was a good sign. That ruled out an upper spine injury. She was responding to him. That meant her limbic system was still on line.

He squeezed her hand.

She squeezed back.

And it was all he could do to stop himself from collapsing right then and there.

She groaned again. And then made a small noise that could have been a cough. And then another. And she cringed. But her other arm was moving, sweeping slowly over her torso as she re-familiarized herself with her body, reassured herself it was still there.

Then she sucked in a breath.

And her eyes seemed to come alive. And they finally met his. "Derek..." It was barely a whisper. But it was there.

He offered her a small smile. "There you are."

She squeezed his hand again.

"Don't try to move. We're going to get you on a gurney and get you to the floor. Okay?"

She closed her eyes, and he knew she understood. He pressed his free hand against her cheek again, trying to transfer some warmth into her cold skin. "You scared the hell out of me."

She opened her eyes. "Sor..." But the words died on her lips.

He shook hid head gently. "Don't try to talk. We'll have plenty of time to talk later."

She squeezed his hand.

"Just know that I love you."

She squeezed it again, harder.

He smiled. "I know."

"Dr. Shepherd? I got the gurney."

Derek turned his head to see Burke's scrub nurse behind him. He hadn't even heard the gurney being wheeled up to him. The three of them carefully lifted Meredith onto the gurney. She barely moved during the process.

"Okay." Derek took charge once she was settled. "We'll take her upstairs. You can go back to Dr. Burke," he told the scrub nurse with a nod. "Thanks for your help."

"Okay, Dr. Shepherd." She replied with a smile. She turned for the door.

"Wait!" Cristina called out. "Don't tell Dr. Burke that I was out here."

She scrunched her forehead, but nodded. "I won't, Dr, Yang."

Derek walked along beside the gurney, holding tightly to Meredith's hand, as Cristina pushed it along. They reached the elevator, and Derek pushed the button.

"This is as far as you go, Shepherd."

He turned to Cristina, surprised. "What?"

She shook her head. "You need to go back and finish with Tucker."

Derek started. "I didn't even..." _remember_. He swore under his breath, glancing down at Meredith's prone form.

"She's fine. We'll take care of her. Just finish with Tucker. Nobody else needs to die today."

He breathed. "Okay." He nodded. "Okay." He leaned down, his face close to Meredith's. He eyes were closed, but he knew she was still conscious, still listening.

"Meredith, I need to finish with Tucker. Cristina will take you up and I'll be there as soon as I'm done. Okay?"

Her eyes opened a crack and she squeezed his hand, held onto it for a moment, and then let go. Her eyes fluttered shut.

"I'll see you soon," he reiterated, brushing his hand over her face one more time. She leaned into his contact.

The elevator opened. Cristina gave him a look. He sucked in a breath and nodded. "Okay." And he watched as the doors closed behind them. "Okay," he mumbled himself. His chest felt tight, like his heart and lungs were too big for his chest cavity.

He stumbled down the hall to his OR, and cracked open the door.

His two remaining surgical team members looked highly relieved to see him.

"How is he?" Derek asked.

"Stable."

"Good."

"How's...Dr. Grey?" She asked carefully.

He nodded. "She's okay, got caught in the blast."

"And the bomb squad?"

Derek started. He hadn't allowed himself to think about how the bomb went off out in the hall with Meredith just out of range. The air had been pink. He remembered that now. His heart constricted. "I, uh, I'm not sure...but I don't think it's good news."

"Damn," she muttered.

"Yeah." He breathed. "I just have to scrub back in. I'll be back soon."

"Of course, Dr. Shepherd."

He paused at the door. "Thank-you, both, for staying through this. We couldn't have saved Tucker's life without both of you."

The door swung shut behind him and he stumbled into the scrub room, his breathing shaky. He was halfway through washing his hands, determined to be as quick as possible, when his breathing hitched violently.

He squeezed his eyes shut and sucked air into his lungs, forcing them to expand. He wheezed. The world began to spin. He staggered into the back wall and lowered himself to the floor, where he sobbed openly.

He had almost lost her forever.

She had come far too close to leaving him.

He ran his wet hands through his hair and clenched onto his locks tightly, willing himself to calm down.

She was fine. She was going to be fine. He was going to finish his surgery, and then he was going to see her.

He just needed to stop crying first.

000

Two floors. They only had to travel down two floors to the main floor. But the elevator felt like it was stuck, unmoving, floating in the air, refusing to take them to their destination. Derek jabbed at the button again, as if that would increase their pace.

"I'm sure she's fine."

"You wouldn't be saying that if it had been Cristina," Derek snapped.

Burke paused. "Yes, I suppose you're right."

Derek felt his body calm. "I'm sorry."

The older surgeon shook his head. "Don't be. It was very close. She..."

"She what?"

He sighed heavily, realizing he was committed. "Right before she pulled the bomb out, she finally cracked a bit under the pressure. She was scared. And she said she wanted to make sure that George and Izzy could stay in the house. And that she wanted you to know that she loved you." He paused. "And that she's glad you jumped off the cliff with her... I assume you know what that means."

Derek swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. "I can't believe how close she came to-" He couldn't even say it.

The elevator finally came to a stop on their floor, the doors opening to reveal a crowd awaiting them.

"Derek," Burke acknowledged as they stepped onto the main floor together.

"Preston."

Most of the attention was on Burke when they were engulfed into the mob of people. Cristina would have given an update on Tucker, so his condition wasn't a surprise. Derek's team, which had grown after the threat had no longer been an issue, were taking him to the general ICU. All of the surgical ICUs were still closed and un-staffed. Apparently the entire surgical wing had been evacuated.

"Where is she?" Derek demanded, having swept by the patient's rooms and not caught sight of his girlfriend. "Where is she?"

"Calm down, Derek." Richard commanded.

"No, you don't get to tell me to calm down. I had to see her like that and then send her away with Yang and go back to my patient. Now, where is she?"

"Derek. She's fine. We took scans. Everything was negative. She'll be sore and she probably has a mild concussion. But she's fine."

"Where is she?" He repeated. He was losing his temper.

"Dr. Bailey could really use an update, from you, on her husband first, Derek."

He shook his head. "Absolutely not."

"Derek-"

"Absolutely not!" He repeated.

"Her friends took her to their locker room to clean her up," Adele said quietly, ignoring the glare from her husband.

Derek blinked. He hadn't even noticed her. And he didn't have time to wonder why she was there. "Thank-you." And he was off, ignoring Richard's requests as he ran through the halls.

He flung open the door to the intern locker room. It was empty. He strode through the rows of lockers. There was no one there. He was about to give up when he heard a noise from across the room, and he was shoving open the door to the women's shower before he realized.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Izzy cried out in surprise. She and Cristina were dressed in very wet scrubs. Meredith was between them, sturdy on her own two feet, wrapped in a towel. But her eyes were vacant.

The breath was knocked out of him. She was standing. Richard had said she was fine.

"Dr. Shepherd, we'll be done in a few minutes if..." Izzy was saying, but he wasn't listening.

"Oh, Mer," he whispered, striding across the damp floor in three quick steps before pulling her into his arms. She was freezing against him, despite the steam in the air. The cut on her forehead was red and puffy. She was very passive, not participating in the hug at all. Her arms remained pressed tightly around her middle; protective.

But she was standing. And she was breathing. She was alive.

And right now, that was all he needed.

"Dr. Shepherd, seriously, I'm not sure this is appropriate..."

"Oh, shut up," Cristina hissed at Izzy. "He's seen her in less than a towel."

Derek shut them out and closed his eyes, tightening one arm around her waist as the other ran up her back to her hair. He was disconcerted that it didn't smell like it usually did after she showered; flowery and perfectly her.

She moved just a bit in his arms; shifted.

"She hasn't said anything," Cristina offered. "After she got her scans she kind of shut down."

"Cristina!" Izzy hissed. "She can hear you."

"So? She knows. She was there."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Still..."

Derek sighed and pulled back, searching her empty eyes for a sign of her. Her pupils were downcast, staring unseeing at the floor. He ducked his head and struggled to meet her gaze. There was no response for many moments. And then her irises flickered and he found her staring back at him.

"Derek..." she whispered. Her torso hitched.

"I'm here. I'm here," he repeated, pulling her close again.

She lifted her arms and pushed against his chest, keeping him away long enough to wrap her arms around his neck. "Derek," she said again.

"Hey," he shushed her gently. "You're okay. I'm here."

Her breathing hitched again and she tightened her grip.

"I love you so much, Meredith." He was surprised to feel tears on his cheeks. He had come far too close to losing her.

"I love you." She shuddered. "I couldn't remember the last... I tried but I couldn't..."

"Shhh, it's okay. You're okay."

She was silent for many moments, clutching to the fabric above his shoulders. Derek opened his eyes and met those of her worried friends. Izzy politely averted hers, but Cristina met his gaze evenly. They shared understanding. Meredith meant a lot to both of them. And maybe they were the only ones who knew just how close she had come.

Meredith shuddered violently in his arms, and his attention was back to her. "Hey...you're okay..." He repeated.

"He's gone," she choked out.

"Hmm?"

"The bomb squad guy. Dylan. He's gone. He..." She shook her head. "I watched...I saw him..." Her voice cracked. "He's gone. And the other guy, from the bomb squad. I didn't even know his name..."

"Oh, Mer..." He soothed, even as his heart was constricting in response to her pain. Over her shoulder Izzy's eyes were filling with tears and Cristina was looking determinately stoic. "Nothing that happened today was your fault. You saved your patient."

"And Hannah," Cristina added. "If you hadn't stepped in, she would have released the bomb without any support."

Derek nodded his appreciation as Meredith stilled.

"I saw..." She whispered.

"I know. I'm so sorry."

"I was mean to him."

"Me too."

She breathed evenly and her grip around his neck tightened as she released her hold on his scrub top. "I want today to be over."

"It will be soon. I'm going to take you home. We'll get you away from the hospital, okay?"

She nodded.

The door behind Derek opened.

"Shepherd," Richard's exasperated voice rang out in the small room. "What are you doing in the women's shower?" Meredith burrowed against his chest at the new presence in the room.

Derek ignored him, turning his body to completely hide Meredith from the chief, even though she was wearing a towel, he felt the need to hide her away, keep her safe and protected.

"Derek." He prompted.

Izzy and Cristina looked uncomfortable.

"I'm hugging my girlfriend. Last time I checked, that was allowed after everything that happened today."

"This is the women's shower."

"And yet, you're in here too."

There was a pause. The chief changed his tactics. "I still need you to talk to Dr. Bailey. She deserves to know what's going on with her husband."

"Tucker is fine. She knows that."

"Derek..."

He sighed. Meredith took a breath and slowly withdrew her arms.

"It's okay, Derek. Go talk to Dr. Bailey," she said quietly.

He shook his head. "No, it's fine-"

She pressed a hand to his chest and offered him a brave smile. "I'm okay, Derek."

He nodded. "And I need to take you home."

"I still need to get dressed. Go and talk to Bailey. And then you can take me home."

His heart skipped a beat at her brave insistence. "Are you sure?"

She nodded.

He leaned down and pressed his lips against her lips. And then her cheek. And her forehead. "I'll be back soon."

"Take your time. Bailey deserves it."

000

Dr. Bailey was holding a small bundle in her arms when Derek stumbled into her hospital room. Addison was sitting on the couch.

"Derek," Bailey whispered upon catching sight of him, her eyes welling with tears. "Thank-you."

Derek nodded. "Just doing my job." He greeted Addison with a nod.

She scoffed. "You're one of this hospital's cockiest, most arrogant surgeons, and you pick now to be modest? Addison told me about the code black. And that you..." her voice cracked. "That you stayed. They you refused to evacuate." She took a breath. "Derek, I can't thank you enough."

Derek stepped forward, reaching for her hand and giving it a tight squeeze. "Don't worry about it. I would never leave any patient in that situation, especially not one of our own."

She nodded. "The chief said there were some complications?" She asked quietly.

Derek nodded and proceeded to talk her through the surgery, but maybe not emphasizing just how close it had come when he had flat lined.

"And he's stable now?"

Derek nodded. "His heart monitor barely blipped out of his normal rhythm after that one time."

"Thank-you," she said again.

He shook his head. "You're welcome, again." He smiled, motioning towards the little bundle in her arms. "How's the future surgeon?"

She smiled downward at her son, her attention momentarily off the horrible day. Derek had four sisters, and he knew enough to know that mothers could always be distracted by asking about their kids. "He's perfect," she said, her voice soft and awed like he had never heard it.

"I'm glad to hear it. Does he have a name yet?"

"William. William George Bailey Jones."

He smiled. "That's a good name." He reached a hand out, hooking his pinky in William's hand. The new baby closed his fist automatically. "He's got a good grip."

Bailey glanced at his face and narrowed her eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You don't look relieved and happy this day is over. You're withholding." She paused. "Is it Tucker? Is there something you're not telling me?" She spoke harshly, but there was a hint of vulnerability behind her voice.

"Tucker is fine," he reassured. "I promise."

"Then what is it?"

He sighed. "Meredith got caught in the blast when the bomb went off." There was a gasp behind him.

"Is she okay?" His ex-wife asked quietly.

He turned and met her eyes. And didn't find anything but concern.

He nodded. "She has a mild concussion. She must have been thrown back twelve feet..." He swallowed. "She'll be fine."

Bailey shook her head. "How did it go off?"

He sighed. "I'm not sure. They were in the middle of extricating it."

"And the bomb squad?"

He shook his head. "At least two members didn't make it."

Bailey closed her arms around her son, and Addison shook her head. "I hadn't heard anyone had died."

"Yeah, well, Meredith watched them blow up right in front of her. So I'm taking that to mean they died," he snapped.

Addison looked shocked at his harsh words. "Derek, I only meant-"

He held up a hand. "I'm sorry." He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "That was out of line. I'm just..." He shook his head. "I don't think I've ever been so terrified before."

"Have you...seen her?" Addison asked gently.

He nodded. "Briefly. I wanted to give you," he turned to Bailey, "An update before I took her home."

"Thank-you for the taking the time Derek."

He nodded. "Dr. Krycheck is here now to keep an eye on Tucker. And I'll be close by if anything goes wrong. But try not to worry yourself. Tucker is stable and should be just fine."

Bailey nodded. "Thank-you, Derek." He eyes welled. "Thank-you for saving my family."

He smiled. "You're welcome." He turned to leave, nodding a goodbye to his ex-wife.

"Oh, and Derek?" Bailey called. "Tell my intern she's in big trouble for putting her hand on that bomb..."

He cracked a smile and left her room laughing.

000

She could walk steadily on her own, but Derek found himself matching her sore strides, his arm around her waist. Just in case. He led her up the driveway and front steps. She didn't seem to mind the closeness as she leaned against him. They were the first ones home. Izzy and George were sticking around for a few hours to help out. They would all be given a few days off afterwards. Derek struggled one handed to pick out the right key and easily opened the front door to her house.

"I knew I gave you that key for a good reason."

He smiled at her attempt to make a joke. She had been very quiet on the drive home, only speaking when he prompted her. "Yes," he agreed. "It's come in very handy."

"I'm glad," she told him. "I think you should use it all the time."

"Hmm?" He took her coat and hung it beside his own in the closet.

"Last night sucked. I'm not used to not having you here." Her voice was low and flat, but she was being open. The intensity of the day had been enough to suppress her inhibitions. "And one of the only things I could think about today was that I might die, and we didn't sleep in the same bed last night…" She sighed. "And that may be pathetic; but it's how I feel."

"So, you're saying…"

"I'm saying that I don't want to sleep alone anymore."

"Okay." He leaned close and kissed her forehead. She wasn't saying the words, but he understood anyway. And it wasn't the time to talk about making anything official, but for now he was happy. "I don't want to sleep alone either."

She breathed. "Good."

He threaded his fingers through hers. "Do you want something to eat?"

She shook her head. "No. I just want to sleep."

He nodded and quietly led her upstairs to their bedroom. She changed into her pajamas while he left her to have a quick shower of his own, as if he could wash the horrible day away if he scrubbed hard enough.

When he returned to their room, she was curled up on his side of the bed, dressed in one of his old tees. She was still and silent, but he knew she was still awake. He pulled on his own tee shirt and a pair of boxers and slipped into bed behind her, his arms reaching around her waist as he spooned her, and pulled her as close as he could.

"You're on my side," he whispered into the back of her head.

"It's nice on this side."

He smiled, his fingers slipping over the thin fabric across her abdomen. "And, you stole my shirt…"

Her small hands found his, stilling his fingers. "You have lots of shirts."

"Still…"

She settled closer to him, knowing he was just teasing her. The truth of the matter was he loved seeing her in his clothes. "You gave it to me."

He chuckled. "I did not."

"Well, you should have…"

He pressed his lips against the back of her head. "Whatever you say."

Meredith revelled in the feelings of finally being back in his arms. She could now recall their last kiss, their last I love yous. She felt safe.

"They blew up right in front of me," she whispered.

"I know."

"He was there and then he was gone…"

His grip tightened around her waist. "I'm so sorry."

She sniffed.

"You almost died today," he continued when she didn't respond.

"Yeah, I almost died today." It was a weird thing to say, like she could keep saying it, but would never fully comprehend it. She couldn't die yet. She hadn't been happy for nearly long enough. Derek was beginning to promise her a future.

He buried his face into her hair. "I'm glad you didn't die today."

She squeezed his hands. "Me too."

They were silent for many moments.

"Meredith?" Derek finally broke the quiet moment. "Your hair smells wrong."

"Wrong?"

He inhaled and shook his head. "It usually smells different…better…like some kind of flower."

She smiled. Of course he would notice. "Lavender. It usually smells like lavender, from my conditioner."

"Lavender…"

"I'll shower first thing tomorrow morning; fix it."

"Good." He paused, and when he spoke again his voice was lighter then it had been all day. "I'll even join you if you want…"

She let herself laugh, and it felt damn good. "I think I like that idea."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She sighed and sank into his embrace, letting him support her. A single tear rolled across her cheek in response to her day. Derek's grip tightened and she smiled. "I love you, Derek."

"I love you too, Mer."

She closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off in his arms, instinctively knowing that she was safe. And for the first time since she had woken up in the very early hours of the day, Meredith felt warm.


	19. Aftermath of bomb

It had been three days.

Three days since the bomb had gone off, turning two solid people into infinite pieces of matter, liquid and air. Three days since she had held that same bomb in her hands only moments before. Three days since she had almost died.

It had been three days, and Derek had barely left her side.

The OR floor was still out of operation, with crews working double time to ensure it would be up and running soon. Walls, floors and ceilings needed to be replaced. Every electrical outlet and connection needed to be checked. Every inch of surface area needed to be scrubbed down and disinfected.

Much of the surgical staff were given time off, or at very least put on a light schedule. Most post op patients were forced to remain at the hospitals they had been transferred to during the evacuation. If something went wrong in their recovery, Seattle Grace was not equipped to help them. Some of the Attendings and upper year residents were subbing in at the other hospitals, helping with the overflow of patients. Derek was not working anywhere this week.

Seattle Grace's surgical wing was quiet and nearly empty. All of the staff members in close vicinity of the bomb were required to attend a one hour therapy session. Meredith and Derek had both had theirs the day before. Derek had taken them in to the hospital. She had gone first, and had then wandered the eerily quiet halls waiting for him to finish. It had gone okay. She had known that nothing that day had been her fault, but it was still nice to hear the therapist say it. Yesterday hadn't been too bad.

Today had been horrible.

Today she and Derek had attended the memorial service for the two fallen members of the bomb squad. The chief had been there. And Cristina and Burke. And Hannah. And Mr. Carlson's wife and three kids. And the surviving members of Dylan's team. It had been surreal. She had cried.

She had felt numb the evening after the bomb had gone off, when Derek had held her in bed and she had fallen asleep in his arms. She had been more herself the next morning, but still numb to certain feelings. A few tears had been shed during her therapy session. But today she had sat beside Derek on the hard wooden chairs, clutching tightly to his hand, and she had cried. Silent tears had streamed down her face from beginning to end.

These men had saved her life. And now they were dead.

"You okay over there?" Derek called from across the car.

She turned to him and offered a gentle smile. "I don't know."

He turned his attention back to the road.

She sighed and reached her hand across the center consol to rest on his lower thigh, her thumb absently brushing along the dark fabric above his knee. He was still dressed in his black suit, and she couldn't help but think he was as handsome as ever. She had never seen him in a suit before. They had gotten dressed up and gone out to dinner a few times, but he had never worn a suit.

"It felt real today," she divulged after several moments of quiet.

"Hmm?" He glanced at her quickly.

"I feel like, all week, it's been...not real, like this is all a weird dream or something. But today it felt real. It really happened."

He nodded.

She sighed heavily, her energy deflating like a shrinking balloon. Her thumb stilled its ministrations. "I feel..."

"What?" He prompted gently.

She shook her head. "I'm not... I can't put my finger on it."

"Okay." He believed her. They reached the end of the road, and Derek got in line to board the ferry. It would only be a few minutes. His hand came down atop hers and rested comfortably, his fingers just curled around the edges of her palm.

They sat in gentle silence as they waited for the ferry to invite them on board. It would still be two days until they were expected back at work. They were going to spend some time out at the trailer. Meredith had suggested it, telling Derek it would give them some time alone. They hadn't had much of it recently. Her roommates had been hovering; worried that she was going to crack.

But really, she wanted it for more than the privacy. She wanted solitude, intimacy, comfort; all of which were offered by the trailer. She wanted to fall asleep with only the sound of him breathing beside her. She wanted to get out of her mother's house and feel like she could breathe again. She was choking in the shared house, feeling as if the walls were closing around her at every turn. But the paradoxical fact the trailer was much smaller than her house did nothing to dissuade her. The close quarters and expected close proximity with Derek was what she craved. She wanted to fall asleep in a room that no one else had ever shared before. She wanted to escape from the reality where she would have to return to the hospital, where she had watched two people blow up, in just a couple days.

The gate was opening, and Derek pulled his hand off of hers to put the car in gear. It was the middle of the afternoon, so the line of cars was relatively short. They parked near the front exit and he shut off the engine. "Do you want to stay here, or go up?"

She contemplated. "Let's go up."

"Okay." He exited the car, and pulled his coat from the back seat, donning it over his suit jacket. She followed suit, buttoning every button of the long coat she was wearing over her black blouse and skirt. She wrapped her scarf securely around her neck, and pulled on her mitts.

Derek met her on her side of the car, his breath exhaling small puffs of opaque air. It was cold. He took her hand and they climbed the two flights of stairs to the main deck. It was freezing. And windy. The strands of hair she had been unable to contain under her scarf flew in all directions. She staggered under a particularly strong gust.

His arm was securely around her waist in a moment. They wandered to the front of the ferry, looking out over the water together. She leaned against the railing, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, his hands clutching to the same railing, anchoring them both in place. Despite the weather, she felt a gentle warmth spread through her heart. He rested his chin on her shoulder. "It's crappy out," he commented. Only very few other individuals had braved the weather enough to be out on the deck around them. The rest were safely in their cars or sitting in the closed areas, shaking their heads at those outside exposed to the elements.

She leaned back against his strong chest, her cheek rubbing against his. It was late in the day. His stubble was scratchy. And she wouldn't have it any other way. "Yeah," she agreed absently.

"Is this always what a Seattle winter is like?"

She smiled. It was easy to forget he wasn't used to this. "Yeah, pretty much. Though I haven't experienced it since I was five."

"Hmmpf. In New York it would get cold and it would snow. I'm not used to the cold rain. And I miss the snow."

She stroked his forearms. "I miss the snow too." Really, they had both grown up on the east coast.

He twisted his head and kissed her cheek. "You feeling okay?"

She breathed deeply and nodded. "Yeah, I am." It was freezing. And windy, the gusts reeking havoc on her hair. But it was making her feel alive. It was pulling her from her numbness. It was making her want to experience everything again. He was warm and he was there, his arms wrapped around her frame, steadying her in the strong wind, keeping her safe. She closed her eyes, feeling content and protected.

He grumbled something about the weather and she laughed. "Don't be a wuss."

"A wuss?" He sputtered. "That was uncalled for."

She shook her head and turned in his arms, her back meeting the railing as she pulled him in close, her arms snaking around his neck. "Sorry," she mumbled.

He narrowed his eyes. "You're not sorry..."

She rolled hers. "Whatever. Here," she pressed her lips against his, "Does that help."

He pretended to think about it, and then shook his head. "I'm not sure. Can you do it again so I can decide?" He tilted his head with a playful smirk.

She complied, capturing his lips in a long, breathtaking kiss that left them both gasping for air.

He pressed his forehead against hers and breathed. "That definitely helps," he whispered.

She closed her eyes and held him tightly, her lithe fingers gripping at the thick fabric of his heavy coat. "Me too."

"Hmm?"

"It helps me too," she clarified.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "You are doing okay, right?"

She couldn't help but smile at his worried tone. "I am," she reassured. "Because of you, Derek, I'm doing fine."

His face lit up at her words. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He kissed her softly. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

000

It was dark when Derek pulled the car up to the trailer. He silently stepped out of the driver's seat and pulled their shared bag out of the trunk. He didn't have a lot of clothes left at the trailer anymore. And she didn't have any. He met her at the passenger door and led her inside.

It was warmer in the trailer than it was outside, but it was still cold. Derek didn't come out here very often. The heat wasn't left on when it wasn't being used.

"Sorry about the temperature," he offered as he turned up the small thermostat.

She smirked. "At least with its small size it heats up fast..."

He met her eyes and gently rolled his. "Ah, making fun of the trailer already..."

She laughed, her hands latching onto the fabric of his jacket along his side. "You know I love the trailer."

He mirrored her position, his arms around hers as he found her hips. "Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah. It's nice out here. Quiet. Calm. No roommates."

"Peaceful," he added.

"Exactly." She pressed her lips against his for several seconds. "I love you."

"I love you too." He pecked her lips again.

She leaned her forehead against his chin and breathed, feeling completely safe for the first time in three days. "I imagined you there with me," she told him quietly.

"Hmm?" His hand left her hip to rub along her spine.

"Before the bomb went off, I had to pull it out of the patient. And I was scared, and Dylan told me to imagine he was someone I liked..." Her voice cracked. "And all I could do was picture you...standing there with me. It was like the rest of the world fell away, because you were there. And you were smiling at me. And you told me I could do it." She swallowed hard. "And I believed you."

"Oh, Mer..." He closed both arms around her, holding her tight. "I would have been there with you if I could have...if I'd known..."

She shook her head against his chest. "No. I wouldn't have wanted you there."

"Mer-"

"No," she repeated. "I couldn't have handled it. Burke sent Cristina out of the room. And I completely understood. I would have been out of my mind if you had been there. Hell, I would have freaked out if I had known you were still on the floor."

"I didn't know you were on the floor either," he said quietly. "I thought you were safe and far away. If they had told me, I would have demanded you be ordered away long before you had a chance to put your hand on that bomb."

"When did you find out?"

He sighed. "Cristina came back in after you moved to the new OR. She was upset, and told me. And then Tucker crashed before I had a chance to do anything."

"There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have been there."

"Derek..."

"No," he shook his head and pulled away to meet her eyes. "Do you have any idea how much it kills me to know you went through that by yourself? Even if you had to be the one with the bomb, I could have been there. I could have held your hand. I could have...been there."

She smiled sadly at him. "You were there," she said gently.

He sniffed and pressed his forehead against hers.

She shivered and pulled closer to him.

"It'll be warmer soon," he told her lightly, changing the subject, challenging her to bring up her previous comment.

She looked up and met his playful eyes, hers narrowing as she smirked. "Why don't we work on making it warmer..?" She hooked her fingers under shirt collar, pulling his lips down to hers again.

He responded immediately, his hands finding the small of her back. "Mer..." He said when he finally pulled away, breathless. "Mer, are you...?"

The love and worry she found staring down at her made her eyes well as she nodded. "I'm sure."

One large hand left her back and slipped under her blouse, coming to rest against her chest, his fingers splaying for maximum contact. "I don't want to hurt you." Meredith had woken up the day after the bomb feeling like she had been hit by a bus, which wasn't far from the truth. Her head had throbbed from its impact against the hard floor. Her ribs had cried out in protest about being asked to support her body again so soon after being hit by the force of the blast. Her arms and legs had been sore, having flailed violently when she had been thrown off her feet like a rag doll. Just walking had been a chore that first day. And Derek hadn't asked for anything else.

Meredith offered him a reassuring smile, her hand coming to rest over his, pressing his warmth into her skin. "You could never hurt me, Derek."

His expression softened. His free hand cupped her cheek. "I'm so glad you're here with me," he whispered.

Her eyes filled with tears, his comment hitting her on so many levels. "There's nowhere I'd rather be." She needed this. He needed it.

His head tilted as the corners of his lips inched upwards, and suddenly she was receiving a full blown McDreamy smile, and she was wishing his hands were still supporting her back because it was making her knees weak. She turned for the bedroom, pulling him behind her. "Come on, Derek, make me feel alive..."

_**AN: I'm having a conundrum regarding the next chapter, revolving around 2.18 (where Mer goes to visit her dad). I have two different versions on the go...and I don't know which way to take it. Fluffy version or angsty version? They've been really in tune with each other for a while now, and will be through the end of season 2, so I love the happy, Derek completely there for Mer version. But I am drawn to, and originally was writing towards, the angsty version, where Der is a little preoccupied... Opinions?**_


	20. Mark's & Thatcher's first appearance

"Invasive non-small cell with history of COPD," an unfamiliar, husky voice said over her shoulder, as its owner read off the computer screen in front of her. She turned to look at the sudden intruder into her personal space. "The guy's pretty much a goner."

She raised an eyebrow, taking in the tall, built, sexy man who now stood beside her. "Sensitivity; I like that in a stranger..." She looked back at her chart. "Are you new here?" She assumed he was a doctor.

"Visiting. I'm confounded by all the rain, and it's only my first day in town..."

She could see exactly where he was going with this little conversation he had initiated. And she had to admit he was very attractive, and exactly what she would have gone for in the past. She wandered down the counter in front of her. "You get used to it," she called over her shoulder, hoping he would get the hint. She had started out the day on a bad note with her mother. She definitely didn't need this now. Her mother had had an affair. She had cheated on Meredith's father; a father Meredith had never seen again after age five.

He didn't get the hint; or rather, he chose to ignore it. He seemed like exactly the kind of guy who would ignore it. He followed her down the counter. "It makes me want to stay in bed all day."

She couldn't help the smile that came to her face. He definitely had balls to say something like that; so outright. She turned to him. "Excuse me?"

He smirked. "I'm just saying..."

"You know, you're not very subtle."

"Subtle has never been my strong suit."

She shook her head, again moving away from him.

"So," he began, continuing to follow her. "Do you ever go out with co-workers?"

He was definitely in need of a stronger hint. She stood up straight and met his eyes. "Only one."

"Ouch; that's a blow off if I've ever seen one." He paused and stared down at her hands, his eyes expertly seeking out one important finger. "But there's no ring, so I still have a shot, right?"

She laughed. There weren't many guys who would keep pushing. He had obviously had lots of practice. He was very engaging, she'd give him that much. "I'd have to say no."

"A real no, or an I'm-playing-hard-to-get no?"

"A real no."

He huffed, and changed his tactics. "So, this boyfriend..."

"What about him?"

"Well, I just want to know that he's good for you."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "And why would you care?"

"I like to think that we've bonded in the past few minutes. I need to know that he's good for you, so that you're happy."

She shook his head. "He's perfect for me."

"Perfect, huh? I guess my chances are getting slimmer."

"I don't think they were all that big to start out."

He smiled approvingly. "Just reassure me he's a good guy, that he wows you, lifts you off your feet, or whatever."

She smirked. "He was obviously more successful than you were..."

His face broke out into a large grin. "I'm impressed. Very impressed. There aren't many like you out there. It's very nice to meet you; I'd like to shake your hand." He stuck his hand out as a peace offering.

Meredith rolled her eyes in good humour and went to shake his hand. "I'm Meredith."

He opened his mouth to respond, but a shadow fell upon them, and then the handsome stranger was on the floor. And Derek was hissing as he unclenched his fist, glaring menacingly down at the crumpled form.

Meredith gaped. "What the hell was that?"

His gaze ticked to her, immediately softening. "That...was Mark." He spat out.

She sucked in a breath. She didn't have to ask who Mark was. "Oh... Derek, I'm sorry. If I had known who he was I..." She shook her head. "I didn't... We were just talking. He wouldn't leave me alone. I told him I was taken..." She was flustered; her heart in her throat, overwhelmed by the need to prove to him that nothing had happened, that she hadn't wanted anything to happen. She couldn't handle any other new issues right now. Of all the people in the freaking hospital, why had Mark Sloan picked her?

"Hey." His left hand released his right to hook onto her elbow. "That had nothing to do with you."

She stuttered. "I promise, Derek, I told him about you... I-"

"I believe you." He squeezed her arm.

Mark staggered to his feet, his chiselled face puffy and bleeding on his left side. His eyes flickered over Meredith and Derek in realization. "I guess I picked the wrong girl..."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Derek hissed. "You know what? I don't even want to know. Just get the hell out."

"Shepherd!" A loud, booming, angry voice strode into the room, stopping between Derek and Mark. The chief glared angrily at Derek after he took in Mark's mangled face. "Go to the conference room down the hall," he commanded his Head of Neurosurgery. "Now!"

Derek glared at Mark as he stepped around him and disappeared down the hall.

"Everyone else get back to work!" The slack-jawed, staring staff quickly followed orders. But the gossip was sure to spread fast. Watching the calm, friendly, dreamy neurosurgeon sucker punch another man on the surgical floor was not something anyone had seen before. Or had ever expected to see, for that matter.

"Someone take care of this man." He motioned towards Mark, and then he was gone, down the hallway after Derek, muttering under his breath as he so often did.

Meredith sighed and turned, hoping someone else could take care of Mark's face. Cristina appeared at her side, her face full of interest. "What was that about? McDreamy getting McJealous?"

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"McJealous?" Mark asked, his hand tenderly exploring his face.

Meredith ignored him. "This is Mark."

"Mark Mark? As in New York Mark?"

"Ah, you've heard of me, glad to hear it." He stuck out his hand. "Mark Sloan."

Cristina blinked, and then turned her attention back to Meredith, ignoring Mark's hand. "Who knew McDreamy could throw a punch like that?" She whistled. "I was definitely impressed."

Meredith rolled her eyes, and glanced nervously down the hall. She was worried. "Can you deal with this," she motioned at Mark, "While I deal with that?" She motioned down the hall.

"What, we bonded, and now I'm just a _this_?"

Cristina continued to ignore Mark. "Yeah, I'll take care of it."

"Thanks."

Cristina shrugged. "No problem." She turned her attention back to Mark. "Come on, _this_, let's get that face to an exam room."

"Oh, no-nonsense, I like it. I've never been to Seattle before. I hate the rain, but I have to say I'm liking the women..."

"Shut up, or we'll get McDreamy to punch you again..."

Meredith couldn't help but shake her head at her best friend's tone. She stopped by the center supply station and pulled an ice pack from the fridge, and then hesitantly stepped into the doorway of the conference room.

"Grey, get in here," the chief called as soon as his eyes landed on her. "And close the door behind you." He had evidently been waiting for Meredith to show up.

Derek turned towards her, his expression apologetic. Addison was sitting at the end of the table. Derek and the Chief were sitting across from each other.

She held out the ice pack. "I got you a..." She trailed off when she caught sight of the icepack already sitting on his hand. "Oh, never mind...you already have one." She went to pull her hand back, but he ripped the icepack sitting on his hand off and tossed it down the table, where it landed in front of Addison in a crumpled pile.

"Thanks," he told her softly, taking the pack out of her grasp and laying it on his hand.

"Uh," Meredith flicked her eyes around the room, not understanding what had just occurred. "You're welcome." She took a step back.

"Sit down, Grey," Richard motioned towards the seat at the end of the table.

She stuttered. "I don't need to... I just wanted to bring the icepack. I can go..."

"No, Grey, sit," he commanded. "This has something to do with you, too. You were there."

"This has nothing to do with her," Derek spoke up, ever protective.

Richard let out an exasperated breath. "Shep, shut up. Grey, sit."

She did.

The chief glared at all three occupants of the room. "Now, someone tell me what the hell had my Head of Neurosurgery punching out people on my surgical floor."

Derek was silent, his angry eyes glued to a random spot across the room. Addison looked near tears. Meredith swallowed when the chief's eyes landed on her. "Grey?" He prompted.

"I..."

"This has nothing to do with her." Derek flicked his gaze to Richard, and then to her, where it softened considerably. "I would have hit Mark if she had been there or not."

"Who's Mark?"

Derek scoffed, his eyes finding his ex-wife, his expression cold. "I think Addison can explain that one."

Addison sighed sadly, and Meredith felt sorry for the woman as she reluctantly proceeded to explain the happenings revolving Mark. It was obvious she was sorry. And it was obvious she had never expected the plastic surgeon to show up in Seattle.

Richard stood when Addison was finished and leaned across the table towards Derek. "Did you put your weight behind it?"

Derek nodded. "Yes, sir."

Richard nodded. "Well, alright then." His sternness dissipated and he exited the room.

In any other situation, Meredith would have laughed. But in this situation nothing was funny. She doubted she had ever been this uncomfortable before.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Derek demanded.

"I have no idea," Addison answered quietly.

"Like hell you don't. What is this, Addison? Huh? Revenge for me actually being happy?"

"Derek, I have no idea why he's here. I didn't even know he was here until you did."

Their eyes locked for several seconds. "Whatever," Derek muttered.

She sighed. "I swear I have no idea," she told him, standing up. "I have patients," she said as a way of goodbye.

And it was just Meredith and Derek left in the room. She swallowed and slid her chair closer. "Derek..." She prompted gently.

He turned to her, his face revealing a sudden vulnerability that had been hidden by his anger. "Promise me, Meredith, promise me nothing would have..." He begged.

A flash of anger welled inside of her, but she quashed it immediately. She had never given him any reason to think she would cheat on him. But he had been hurt before; in a way no one should. And it was hard to remember that sometimes, when he acted so self-assured and confident. "I promise," she whispered, reaching for his good hand. "I promise nothing happened, and nothing was going to happen." She paused. "And nothing will happen, with anyone else, ever. I promise."

He nodded. "I'm sorry..." He looked embarrassed.

"No, it's okay. You get to be a little irrational."

He cracked a smile. "Irrational, huh?"

She smiled back and nodded. "Pretty much." She squeezed his hand. "I'd never do that to you, Derek."

He nodded. "Thank you."

"How's your hand?"

He met her eyes and sighed. "Fucking hurts."

She laughed at his honesty. "Have you ever punched anyone before?"

"Nope."

"Can I see?"

He moved it over to her. She lifted the icepack off and grimaced. The first three knuckles were puffy, and the first two were bleeding a bit. "Do you think you broke anything?"

He hesitantly flexed his fingers, grimacing. "No."

"Good." She replaced the icepack. "Do you want me to get you some ibuprofen or something?"

He nodded. "That's probably a good idea; try to control the swelling." He went to stand up, but she placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll get it. Take a moment here to chill."

"Thanks."

She returned a few minutes later with two pills and a small glass of water. He swallowed the pills and drained the water, shooting her a grateful look. He flexed his hand again.

"You okay?" She asked.

He nodded. "I think so."

She paused. "You're not, like, going to do that again, right?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean, I'm all for hating Mark for what he did to you, but seriously, Derek, you could hurt your hand..."

He smiled at her. "I won't punch him again, Mer. I promise."

"Good."

He sighed. "How about you, are you okay?"

"I'm not the one with the swollen hand or the bleeding face."

He laughed. "I'm sorry I did that right in front of you, Mer. I just... I saw red."

"It's okay. I get it. He slept with your wife, Derek, that's not something a best friend is supposed to do."

"No. No, it's not." He shook his head and sighed. "I need to get back to me patients."

"Yeah," she said reluctantly. "Me too."

000

She was videotaping the thirteenth hate tape when she finally lost her cool with her patient. He was such a kind man; why would he want to leave these messages for his loved ones?

_None of these people, not one of them, knows how I really feel. My whole life, I've kept it all inside. I don't want to carry this with me to my grave._

So she had finished taping for him, but had held onto the tapes, debating whether to send them if her patient died. And Burke had called her a liar because he had discovered that Cristina had kept her old apartment, and Meredith had known. And Cristina was mad at Burke for being mad at her. And Izzy was back with Alex. And George was acting distant. And Derek was distracted. And Meredith just needed to talk to someone.

She had addressed and stuffed envelopes with hate tapes as she listened to Derek rant about how Mark was driving him crazy, how he had involved himself with Derek's patient, and how the only reason the plastic surgeon hadn't ended up on the floor again was because Derek had made a promise to her. Derek was distracted, rightfully so. And he had been amazing for the past week, not leaving her side, helping her get through the aftermath of the bomb. He deserved the same from her now. He didn't need the added stress of her problems right now.

But everyone was distracted. And Meredith needed someone to talk to. Her mother was a filthy whore. She had had an affair. She had cheated on Meredith's father. Who with, she had no idea, but she knew it was someone at work.

_I was going at it all night in the on-call room..._

_My husband wonders why I'm not interested in him anymore..._

She had tried talking to the chief, but he hadn't known anything. He was being distant too.

Meredith was confused.

And then the most confusing thing happened. Her patient had survived. He had gone into surgery with very low odds, and he had survived. And he still wanted her to mail the tapes. He was going to live, and he still wanted to get everything out in the open. He had almost died, and he wanted to say his peace.

Meredith had almost died a little more than a week prior. She had had very low odds of surviving. She had watched two people blow up right in front of her. And she was determined that she was not going to be making hate tapes on her death bed. She needed to get everything out in the open now.

That was why she was leafing through the phonebook, searching under G. Her finger stopped. _Grey, T_. There was only one. If Thatcher Grey still lived in Seattle this was him. She ripped the page out of the book and folded it into her pocket. She was going to go and meet her father. She wasn't going to wonder anymore. She wanted answers.

Derek was still in surgery when she went looking for him. He looked like he had a couple hours left. At least. She craved talking with him, telling him what she was about to do, asking for his opinion. But he wasn't going to be free any time soon. And he was distracted, she reminded herself. He had Mark to deal with. That was much more important. He didn't have time for something that happened over twenty years ago. And if she waited until he did have time, she would lose her nerve. She had to do this today, right now.

Using her new key, she let herself into his office and left a note on his desk, telling him to call her when he was finished, that she'd meet him at Joe's and then they could go home. True to her request, they were spending every night together.

She found herself a free computer at the nurses' station and did a quick search for the address from her stolen page of phone book. Using a scrap piece of paper, she drew herself a simple map. And then she left the hospital without anyone knowing what she was about to do.

000

She rang the doorbell twice and stopped when she heard footsteps approach. It was too late to back out now. A man who she had no clear memory of, and therefore should not recognize at all, appeared through the glass. And yet, there wasn't a doubt in her mind that this man was her father.

He only blinked once before his eyes shown with recognition. He reached for the knob and paused for a long moment as they stared at each other through the glass inserts in the door. She forced herself to remain as stoic as possible. She was here for a reason. She would not let this man hurt her. She would not be caught by surprise if he told her to leave.

She did not have her hopes up.

He opened the door, his eyes never leaving hers, and he looked stunned, not angry. And against her will and determination, she felt a glimmer of hope.

He stuttered and showed a hint of a smile.

Meredith took a breath. She had come here for a reason. "She had an affair."

He looked startled, but nodded. "Yes."

"Why didn't you stay and fight for us?" _Why did I grow up without a father?_

"I did... I tried..." He stumbled over his words, stepping out onto the porch, pulling the door shut behind him. Her stomach dropped. He obviously wasn't about to invite her in. She didn't have a place in his life, hadn't in over twenty years. He didn't want her in his life.

The tears in her eyes were threatening to spill onto her cheeks. "Why didn't you try harder?" _Why was it left to me to track you down after all these years? _"You just left." _I never saw you again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to trust people now?_

He evidently didn't have an answer for her. He avoided her eyes for a moment. "Meredith." The word escaped from his lips awkward and hesitant, but clear.

A single tear streaked down her cheek. She had just heard her father say her name for the first time since she was five years old. She wiped it away quickly. She wasn't going to let this man hurt her again.

"Is there anything that you need?" He continued. "Anything...at all?"

_An explanation. A reason... A father. _She shook her head. "No. I don't need anything from you." Her cheeks were moist, but she forwent wiping them. Maybe he wouldn't notice. And who cares if he did. She obviously wasn't going to get anything from him. He didn't respond and she couldn't handle the silence anymore.

She turned and ran to her car, wishing now that she had waited for Derek to be out of surgery, wishing he would be waiting in the car for her. She really just needed a hug right now.

000

He still hadn't called when Meredith had parked her car in the hospital parking lot and wandered across the street to Joe's. After frantically leaving her father's house, she had managed to get the vehicle around the corner and out of sight before she pulled it to the curb again and let herself break down. _Why had it been necessary she do this tonight? She hadn't seen the man in twenty years, what's another week? _

She had sat alone, crying, clutching to her cell, hoping her would call. But he hadn't. His car had still been in the parking lot when she had finally managed to calm herself down enough to drive. She assumed he was still in surgery, but she didn't have the energy to go in and find out. She couldn't face her friends and co-workers right now.

So she was going to Joe's to drown her sorrows and wait for him to call. She wasn't on call and had the following day off. She was free to drink as much as she wanted and planned to take full advantage of that.

Collapsing onto her favourite seat, Meredith motioned Joe for a shot.

"Hey," he greeted as he set down a small shot glass and proceeded to fill it for her. "I haven't seen you around for a while. Alex told me about the bomb. How are you doing?"

She tossed back the shot and set her glass down, pushing it towards him. "I'm fine."

He filled it again. "You don't look fine."

She tossed the second one back. "This has nothing to do with the bomb."

He filled it a third time, and gave her a look of approval when she simply turned the full glass around in her fingers. "Shepherd?"

She shook her head. "No." The effects of the first two shots were beginning to be felt, and a gentle heat swept over her. She sighed and looked at Joe. "I just saw my father for the first time in twenty years."

"Ouch, how did that go?" A now familiar husky voice said over her shoulder.

Joe offered her an apologetic glance as he left to fill some orders down the bar, leaving her to Mark. She sighed and tossed back the third shot.

"Ahh, you're ignoring me."

"I'm trying to."

He sat next to her, placing a half glass of scotch down next to her empty shot glass. "You didn't have a problem talking to me this morning."

"That was before I knew who you were."

"So, you're letting Derek tell you to stay away from me?"

Her eyes flashed as she glared at him. "Derek didn't _tell _me to do anything."

"And yet, you're not speaking to me."

Meredith turned away from him again, her lithe fingers sliding the empty shot glass around in absent circles. "Can you just go? Please."

"But I want to get to know Derek's lusty intern."

"Excuse me?" She met his eyes again.

He smirked. "I've heard about you all the way in New York. You're famous."

"Yeah, well, I heard about you all the way here in Seattle."

He nodded approvingly. "We're the dirty mistresses."

Meredith closed her eyes. "Whatever."

"Ah, shutting me out again..."

"Trying to."

"Come on, talk to me..." He was obviously settling in.

Meredith sighed and stood, picking up her empty glass as a comfort object and moved nearer the center of the bar. The last thing she needed was Derek walking in and seeing this, or hearing about it through the hospital grapevine.

"He bothering you?" Joe asked, concerned, as he appeared in front of her.

Meredith offered him a weak smile. "Not exactly."

Joe narrowed his eyes. "You need me to ask him to leave?"

Meredith sighed. It was definitely tempting. "No, Joe, but thanks."

He held out a bottle of tequila. "You need a refill?"

It was more tempting, but she shook her head. "Can I just have a glass of water?"

Joe raised an eyebrow. "I didn't realize you knew we served water..."

Meredith let herself laugh at his comment. "Shut up."

He set the glass down in front of her. "So, what's up with the sudden need for water?"

She sighed, motioning towards the dejected plastic surgeon, still sitting down the bar, watching their conversation. "That's Mark; they guy who slept with Addison."

Joe nodded. He heard everything; he knew who Mark was.

"Anyway," she continued. "He showed up this morning. And now he seems to be trying to talk to me, and I can't let Derek see that. He's already got enough on his mind. And I get talky when I'm drunk."

Joe laughed. "So I've noticed." She swept his gaze along the bar, but no one was vying for his attention. "Tell me about your dad..."

She sighed heavily, taking a large gulp of water, trying to imagine it was tequila sliding down her throat. "Not much to tell. I looked him up. He didn't have anything to say. No explanations, nothing."

"Sorry."

"Yeah, me too."

He offered her a supportive smile and headed down the bar again.

"So, you'll talk to him, but not to me?"

Meredith groaned and didn't have to glace to her side to know who was sitting next to her. Again. "I like him."

"And you don't like me?"

"Please leave me alone."

"Oh, come on, that's not nice..."

She buried her face in her hands. If he continued to follow her, she'd have to leave. And the only place she had was the hospital. And that was just not a good option for her right now. "Please, Mark, please...just go."

"What's the harm in a few minutes?"

Meredith lifted her head and turned to tell him off, but the look on his face stopped her. He was pleading; looked depressed and hopeful and pained, all at the same time. "Fine. You have three minutes."

He smirked.

"But if you hit on me again, I will take Joe up on his offer to kick you out."

His smirk disappeared and he nodded. "Fair enough. It is funny that I picked you out of the crowd though, Derek and I always did have the same taste in women..."

"You have three minutes, and this is what you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk about Derek."

She started. "I don't really think that's a good idea."

"But you gave me three minutes."

Meredith remained silent.

"I don't know how much Derek has told you about me..."

"Pretty much everything."

He sighed. "I didn't mean about me and Addison, I meant me and him."

"That you two grew up together, that you practically lived at his house. You were basically family, all the kids saw you as an uncle."

His face dropped at her use of the past tense.

"You were his best friend," Meredith continued. "And you slept with his wife."

"He did tell you a lot."

"Yeah."

He paused.

"Your time is almost up." She prompted.

"He's my best friend," Mark spoke up.

"I don't think he sees it that way anymore."

"I need him to understand. I love her. I fell in love with her. I...I never wanted to hurt him. He's my best friend. But..." He trailed off. "I love her."

Meredith closed her eyes, turning to face forward. "So, what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for Addison to show up."

"What?"

"I came to Seattle for her and I asked her to meet me here and...I'm hoping she shows."

Meredith sighed. She too had been here, waiting for Derek to show, only a few months ago. "Yeah, that's not easy."

"No." He shook his head.

"So, why are you talking to me?"

"Derek loves you."

She was caught off guard by his remark, and turned to meet his eyes. "So?"

"He values your opinion."

She narrowed her eyes; she could tell where this was going. "You're not seriously trying to get him back?"

Mark sighed and took a sip of his scotch, and Meredith knew she had hit it head on.

"Mark..."

"He's my best friend."

She was silent.

"I need him to understand."

"I don't know what you expect me to do..."

"He'll listen to you."

"I can't tell him to forgive you."

"Look, I screwed up. I get that. I should have talked to him first-"

"No!" She cut him off. "You don't get to sit here and ask me to tell him to forgive you."

"But-"

"Your three minutes are over. It's my turn now. He was your best friend, and you slept with his wife. She cheated on him with _you_. Cheating is bad...it's bad. It ruins people. It...destroys families..." She trailed off and swallowed hard as her emotions began to get the best of her. She flailed inwardly to keep her voice at a reasonable level. "I grew up without a father because my mother cheated on him. So, no. No. You do not get to come here and ask me for help." She stood, grabbing for her glass so fast she spilled water on the counter. "Now leave me alone."

Meredith stormed back to her original seat, slamming her glass down and not caring when she spilled more water. Silently she stewed, wishing for the umpteenth time she had waited until another night to decide to go and discover her roots, wishing her mother hadn't mistaken her for a co-worker who wanted to know about her adulterous affairs in the on-call rooms, wishing her mother's affair hadn't cost her a father, wishing her mother wasn't sick, and wishing she had a parent.

Tears stung the backs of her eyes, but she blinked them away. Now was not the time to cry. Derek would call soon, and then they would go home.

A presence appeared beside her, not making a move to sit, but still hovering close. "Look, Meredith, I didn't mean to bring anything up. I had a crappy childhood too. And you and me; we have a lot in common."

"No, we don't," she said firmly. Neither of them noticed the figure entering the bar.

"We both fell in love with married people."

"I didn't know he was married."

"Still..."

"Seriously? You still think you're in the right here? Did you not know they were married? Cause I'm pretty sure Derek told me you were his best man."

Mark sighed. "I screwed up, but I love her."

"That's not good enough."

"But-"

"Leave me alone."

"Meredith-"

"Just, Mark, please, leave me alone."

"But-"

"Leave me alone!" She shouted, turning angrily towards him.

Mark's gaze shifted away from her, and he backed away quickly.

Meredith didn't have to wonder who it was when a presence appeared close behind her. She turned and met familiar, weary eyes. Derek. Wonderful.

"What the hell are you doing, Mark?" His hand landed on her shoulder, offering a reassuring squeeze. She wondered how long he had been there.

"I was just talking to her," Mark said quickly, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

"Well, I'm pretty sure she was telling you to leave her alone."

Mark sighed and sent her an apologetic glance before making his way back down the bar, dejected.

Derek sat beside her, his arm immediately around her waist, holding her tightly against him. "Are you okay? I'm sorry about him."

She sighed. "It's okay. He's not that bad."

"What was he doing?" Derek's gaze was dark and unfamiliar, taking on an element she had never seen before; maybe one he did a good job of hiding. He looked vulnerable. And nervous. And very uncertain.

She forced a smile to her lips and kissed him, hard. "Don't worry about him, Derek. He was trying to talk about you."

Derek glanced towards Mark, and then back to her. "He wasn't...hitting on you?"

She shook her head. "No."

He still looked unsure, so she kissed him again. "Hey," she said softly when she pulled away. "It wouldn't matter if he was, Derek. He's not a threat to you anymore. I promise."

He shook his head. "I didn't mean-" He cut himself off and met her eyes. An understanding passed between them. He nodded. "Thank-you. I just...thanks."

She nodded. He definitely needed her support right now. This couldn't be easy on him. "How's your patient?"

His expression fell. "Dead."

"Derek, I'm sorry."

"Fifteen years old."

"You did everything you could."

He sighed. "He went into that surgery knowing he could die. And yet, all he wanted was a new face.

She squeezed his hand. "Derek, there are things in life you just can't do anything about."

"Hey, doc, the usual?" Joe asked, having spotted Derek entering.

Derek nodded and thanked him. He took a sip and Meredith couldn't help but realize he and Mark had the same taste in drinks too.

He put his glass down and glanced at hers, before furrowing his brow. "Water?"

"Yeah. I had a few shots, but Mark was trying to talk to me, and I knew if I had too many I'd get chatty and let him talk. And...I didn't want you to see that and think the wrong thing."

His arm tightened around her waist in response to her honesty. "You do get chatty..."

She smiled. "Did you get my note?"

He nodded. "Yeah, sorry I didn't call, but I definitely needed a drink after today. I didn't know if you were already here, so I thought I'd call if you weren't." He didn't ask where she had been.

She sighed.

"You okay?"

She paused, meeting his pained eyes. He was hurting; a lot. He didn't need anything more. "Yeah."

His eyes narrowed. He didn't believe her. "You look off."

She swallowed and offered him a smile. "I just had a bad day, start to finish."

Derek pursed his lips. "Well, the day's not over yet." He kissed her temple, and his voice fell to a husky whisper. "We could try and think of a way to improve it..."

She couldn't help the smirk that came to her face. "Do you have anything in mind?"

He smiled and kissed her. "One or two things..."

He stood and motioned to Joe to put both of their drinks on his tab. His arm stayed attached to her, and Meredith knew it was in response to the plastic surgeon still sitting along the bar, eyeing them with interest, but she didn't care. She needed to feel close to him right now.

He passed her the keys as they approached his car. "Are you okay to drive to the ferry? And then I'll drive from there?"

She took the keys, fumbling through them for the right one. "You still want to go to the trailer? It's late."

He stopped and met her eyes. "I know. I just..." He sighed and shook his head. "We can stay at yours tonight." They had planned on spending their day off at the trailer.

"No, what were you going to say?"

Derek hesitated for a long moment, his eyes taking on that vulnerability that made her heart clench once again. "I...I feel like he took everything from me. And I moved out here to get away from them. And yet...here I am all the way across the country, and they're both here."

"Okay..."

He took a breath. "I came out here to start over, and I just want to be surrounded by proof of that, by things that are mine, things they can't take from me."

Her heart ached for him in that moment. She reached for his hand. "Am I one of those things?"

A hint of a smile appeared on his lips. "I think so. Not that I think of you as _mine_, or than I...own you or anything, I just meant..." He started quickly and then trailed off.

For the first time that night, Meredith found herself laughing. "I know what you meant, Derek. You don't own me." She paused. "But I am yours. And they'll never take me from you." She leaned in and kissed him.

When she broke the kiss, Derek wrapped his arms around her. "Thank-you."

000

For the second time that week, Meredith found herself leaning up against the railing of the ferry, Derek's strong arms around her, anchoring them both safely. It was dark, but they were still up on deck, staring out at the black water, the ripples illuminated in the moonlight, surfacing and falling away into to the abyss of the darkness. It was beautiful.

She hadn't been able to drown the effects of the horrible day with alcohol, but she was quickly coming to realize she could do so in Derek. He was so warm behind her, even in the bitter cold of the evening. And his arms were perfect and strong, holding her in place, even though it wasn't nearly as windy as it had been after the memorial service days before.

His chin was resting on her shoulder, and every so often he would sigh, and his hold on her would tighten for several seconds. And even though she knew he was reassuring himself, she was allowing herself to be lulled by it. He was in pain, and she knew he would be there for her at any other time. And it had been her fault to pick today to go and see the father she had grown up without. So she could deal with it on her own for just a little while. She needed to be there for him now. It was her turn. She had to be strong.

"Why do you think she cheated on you?" Meredith found herself asking softly. They had discussed a bit of his experience already, but never the aetiology.

He sighed heavily. "I don't know. I guess...I was a little bit absent. Not that that's an excuse for her."

"No," Meredith agreed. "Do you..." She trailed off, knowing she needed to tread carefully. "Do you think it would have been different if you'd had kids?"

There was silence between them for several moments as he debated his answer. "Do I think she wouldn't have cheated?" He sighed. "I don't know."

She nodded, accepting his answer, glad he hadn't questioned why she had asked.

"Do you...wish you and Addison were still married?"

"No."

"Derek..."

He gently prompted her to turn around and met her eyes evenly. "Our marriage was over before she slept with Mark, at least it should have been. And it...it hurts that she cheated on me, but to be honest, it hurts more that it was Mark. He was my best friend." Derek shook his head. "I trusted him. I trusted both of them. And to have your entire life pulled out from you like that..." He shook his head.

Meredith wrapped her arms around his waist, burrowing into his chest. She had had her life pulled out from under her when she was five years old. Squeezing her eyes shut, she willed herself not to cry.

One of his hands left the railing to land on her back, rubbing in even circles. "I love you, Meredith Grey. I don't regret being here, with you, for one second."

A few tears leaked out of her eyes and she looked up to meet his, grateful he had misinterpreted her emotions. She couldn't help but let him comfort her for a moment, even if he didn't know why. "I love you too." She really did. And she believed he loved her back. And she even believed he was happy with her, and wasn't regretting his choice.

He kissed her, his lips meeting hers lightly at first, and then expertly drawing them in deeper. She let the world fall away from her, all she was left aware of being him. His lips on hers. His arms around her. His strong chest heaving against hers.

She finally broke off, gasping for air. He reached a hand to tenderly brush a few stray strands of hair out of her face. And she found herself pressing her lips against his once again, needing to be closer and closer and closer to him.

000

Meredith lay quietly, basking in the aftermath, clutching to the hands against her abdomen. Derek was still breathing hard behind her. The effects of the day were obviously still catching up to him. He had been more assertive than normal, telling her again and again how much he loved her, how much she meant to him. He had held her tight and kissed her hard and made love to her like he was proving something.

Meredith wasn't sure what he was trying to prove, or who he was trying to prove it to. And maybe he was just reassuring himself that she was in this, and that she knew he was in this. He loved her. She was his; and she would never be Mark's.

"I love you," he whispered. She had lost count of the number of times he had said it.

"I know." She squeezed his hand. "I love you too." He, apparently, needed to hear it. And so did she, she found. It was nice to hear it over and over. He loved her. She knew it. But it was always nice to hear.

He fell silent, and her thoughts drifted back to the day she had had. Her mother had quite brazenly told her she had cheated on Thatcher. And there hadn't been a hint of regret in her voice, in fact, she had seemed rather proud of herself. The man who had destroyed Derek's marriage, the man he had trusted like a brother, had showed up in Seattle. And he expected Meredith to help him fix his friendship. Meredith's father didn't want her...not that she shouldn't have realized that before hand. She was a doctor; she was supposed to be smart. The man had ditched her over twenty years ago; he obviously wanted nothing to do with her. And she deserved the reaction she received. And Derek wasn't himself. She had met a new side of him today. A vulnerable, scared, possessive side; that she hadn't seen coming, but couldn't blame him for having. He needed her right now. She would just silently take her comfort from his closeness. Even though it was late, she was glad they had ventured to the trailer. It was always comforting. And being there had done wonders to calm him.

He shifted behind her, and she could feel his arousal beginning to develop against her. His lips began to move along the back of her neck, gently biting and sucking and kissing. His large hands disengaged themselves from hers and moved upward to her breasts. She moaned.

His lips began to trail across her shoulder, and then towards her clavicle as he gently pulled her onto her back, coming to rest over her, straddling her leg as he ground against her. She closed her eyes and willed her attention back onto Derek and the way he was making her feel. Her eyes pricked, but she blinked back the tears. It wasn't that she didn't want to. In fact, she wanted to very much. She just didn't know what was wrong with herself.

His mouth found the soft skin along the front of her neck and she gasped. He shifted upwards, his lips meeting hers several times in rapid succession before he paused, hovering over her, his breath hot against her mouth, his eyes filled with desire. "You ready for round two?"

She spread her fingers through his hair and forced his lips back to hers, making that her answer. Her body was tingling and ready. He complied without any further encouraging, sliding his other leg between hers and expertly positioning himself.

They had settled into a comfortable rhythm, much more intimate and quiet than the first time, when Meredith felt the tears pricking the backs of her eyes once more. She swallowed hard, willing her mind to shut off and give in to the sensations her body was screaming about. But it seemed her mind was no longer willing to be ignored.

Derek came up from her shoulder, and she pressed her lips against his, hoping he wouldn't see her tears. He only kissed her back for a moment, and then he pulled his lips away and paused, breathing hard as he stared down at her.

"Damn it," she whispered, furiously wiping the tears away. She tried to pull him back down to her, but he resisted.

"What's wrong? Am I hurting you?" It had been barely a week since the bomb had gone off. She was still sore, and he was always worried he was hurting her.

"No. I'm fine. Keep... I'm fine."

"Meredith..."

The reverent way he spoke her name brought a new wave of tears to her eyes. "I'm sorry," she told him as her breathing hitched. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

He brushed hair off her damp forehead. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. This is about you right now..."

He pulled away from her abruptly, coming to rest more beside her, but still close. "Mer, I would _never _want you do to anything you don't want to-"

"No, I want to, I do," she reassured him, trying to pull him back to her. She was telling the truth, but he wouldn't return to his position.

He paused for a moment, hesitant. "Then what's wrong? Was it Mark? Did he say something?" His tone shifted towards anger.

Meredith quickly shook her head. "No, it wasn't Mark." She cupped his face. "Please, Derek, just let it go. I just had a bad day, and you're hurting right now. You need this. _I _need this."

He leaned close and kissed her. "I can't make love to you when you're crying," he whispered softly.

"Then I'll stop." She brushed away the dampness on her cheeks and blinked back the next batch.

"Oh, Mer," he sighed. "What happened to you today that you're not telling me? Where did you go before Joe's?"

He had noticed. She squeezed her eyes shut, shuddering as her diaphragm hitched painfully. She wasn't strong enough for him. "I went to see my dad," she admitted through her tears.

"What?"

"I looked him up, showed up on his doorstep."

His arms snaked around her, pulling her into his warmth, into an embrace as intimate, but so different than before. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were in surgery. And I...I didn't want to wait and lose my nerve. My patient, the one with the hate tapes, he survived his surgery, and he still wanted me to send the tapes. So I thought I should..." She broke off with a sob.

"Hey, hey," he comforted, his lips finding purchase against her forehead. "It's okay. Just breathe."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled when she had regained control of her breathing.

"For what?"

"I'm ruining this. I...it's my turn. You were so perfect, and always there, and always saying the right thing after the bomb, and now it's supposed to be my turn...and all I can do is break down and now you have to deal with me..." She couldn't meet his eyes anymore.

"First of all, and most importantly, I don't _have _to deal with you, Meredith. I _love_ you. I _want_ to be here for everything you go through, all the time, good and bad. I hate to see you in pain." He paused, his grip on her back loosening as one hand began to move in soothing circles. "Second, you're not ruining anything. Addison and Mark hurt me, a lot, and I'll be the first to admit it. But that doesn't mean I can't be there for you too."

"But you were there for me after the bomb."

He nodded, kissing her forehead. "And you were there for me too. I almost lost you, and you were there for me, you comforted me."

"It's not the same." She shook her head. "They hurt you-"

"But you being in pain hurts me far more, Meredith."

"But..."

"No buts. Mark and Addison slept together eight months ago. And Mark showing up here is making me mad. But I have you now, so I'm okay, really Meredith, I'm okay."

"But you're all sad and your eyes...you look so..." She trailed off and finally found the strength to meet his eyes. And all she saw now was concern. "You looked so hurt."

"They hurt me," he admitted. "And it scared me, how easily he took everything from me. But I believe you when you say that will never happen."

"It won't."

He kissed her lightly. "I believe you," he repeated. "And I'm sorry if I was preoccupied with my own issues that I wasn't paying enough attention."

"You weren't preoccupied," she reassured. "I just didn't think you needed my problems."

"Hey," he hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. "I was absent before, with Addison." He shook his head. "I will _never _be absent with you."

She swallowed hard and nodded.

He kissed her forehead and returned his hand to her back, pulling her close. "Now, do you want to tell me about it?"

She sighed, breathing in the musky scent from his chest. "My mom had an affair. When I went to see her this morning, she apparently thought I was a co-worker or something. She told me all about it. And it definitely wasn't a one time thing."

He sighed heavily. "So, when you asked about kids..."

She nodded. "I don't know if it would have been enough to stop Addison, but it definitely wasn't for my mom."

"I'm sorry."

She smiled against him. "I guess I wanted to know for sure. I looked up Thatcher and he..." She sighed. "He didn't even invite me in off the porch. Said he knew she had an affair, and when I asked him why he didn't stay and fight, he..." Her torso hitched again. "He didn't have an answer."

"Shhh," he comforted quietly.

"I was five years old," she found herself saying. "Five. And he was my father. He was supposed to...supposed to stay and fight for me...he was supposed to _want_ to fight for me."

"Oh, Mer," his voice was low and she could detect tears in it. "I know."

"It's been more than twenty years, and I show up on his doorstep and...and..." she shuddered. "There was nothing. No apology. No 'good to see you.' Nothing. He didn't even ask me if...anything. He didn't ask anything about me. Isn't he supposed to want to know things?"

"Yeah," he agreed with her. "He is."

"He just left," she whispered.

Derek's arms tightened around her. "I know he did."

"He told me he'd see me again soon," she found herself saying, as if he had opened a vault and now she had to tell him everything that came out. "The day he...the day he left. I remember it. My mother was hiding away in her office. I didn't understand. He packed up so much stuff into his car and I...I think I thought he was going on a trip. I wanted to go with him..." Her voice cracked. "And he told me I couldn't, but that he'd see me soon." She shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. "But I never saw him again...not until tonight."

Meredith fell silent. There was nothing left to say. Derek was still holding her close and all she had to do was concentrate on taking one breath after the other. He was keeping her safe.

"I will never leave you, Meredith."

"Thank-you."

_**AN: I really want to thank everyone who left an opinion about this chapter. I ended up going with my gut with the angsty chapter, and I'm glad I did. I loved the idea of Derek standing in the background by the car when Meredith meets Thatcher, but really, that's all I was going on for the happy version. And the angsty version allowed some new issues to be dealt with, so I'm happy with that. Thank-you to everyone who is sticking with this fic!**_


	21. Moving in

"It's official, my friend, you get to go home," Derek said with a smile, having completed the discharge exam on the patient who he had operated on in the most extreme circumstances of his career.

"I can't thank you enough," Tucker responded with a smile, a tightly fit grey cap pulled over his healing head. "I thank you. My wife thanks you. Our son thanks you." He smiled down at the small baby in his arms.

"Tucker," Miranda chastised as she entered the hospital room. "Shepherd's head is already far larger than it needs to be; he doesn't need you here trying to boost his ego any further."

Derek shook his head at the snarky expression she gave him. "Dr. Bailey," he greeted formally. "I see you're in a friendly mood this morning..."

She cracked a smile.

"Dr. Shepherd deserves our gratitude, Miranda," Tucker cut in. "He saved my life; and braved a bomb scare to do so."

Derek smiled, meeting Bailey's eyes. "See. I deserved your _gratitude_."

She shook her head, but didn't respond to his statement. "And what's this I hear about you punching someone on the surgical floor?"

It had been three days since Mark had shown up unannounced on the Seattle Grace surgical floor. Derek had moved to Seattle to start over; to get away from his past. Addison's presence had brought out a side of him he decidedly did not like on several occasions. But Mark's appearance had left Derek with a consuming sense of anger he had never felt before. He hadn't lied to Meredith when he had told her his vision had gone red upon his eyes first landing on Mark's familiar form. And the next thing he knew he had been standing over the plastic surgeon, clutching his fist.

Derek wasn't a violent person. In fact, he was quite the opposite; he was a healer. But Mark brought out a side of him he didn't want to admit to. A side that left him angry and awkward and scared. Mark had been his brother. And in one move, he had swooped in and turned Derek's life upside down. He had trusted his wife, even if their relationship wasn't what it had once been; hadn't become what he had hoped for. He had trusted his best friend, even though he had a reputation. Nothing could have prepared him for the sight that had awaited him that fateful day.

Finding your wife in bed with your best friend did more than simply hurt you. It did more than disgust you. It did more than destroy friendships. It made you think twice about so many things. It made you distrustful, even if it was irrational. It kicked the crap out of your sense of self, your self-confidence and your self-esteem. It made you vulnerable and insecure. And Derek hated that.

He had come to Seattle a jumbled combination of what he had been, what he was trying to get back to and what he never wanted to be again. His struggle had stopped, along with his breathing, the moment he first laid eyes on _her_ in the bar so many months before. She allowed him to be him. There was no need to try to be anything else. She accepted him, and more importantly, she loved him. She loved _him. _He had found that thing he hadn't even realized he had always been looking for, had always been missing.

But for a few hours, three days prior, Derek had stopped being himself. He had allowed the hatred to take over. He had allowed himself to live in the past. He had been preoccupied with his memories, with hating Addison even though he believed her when she claimed she had nothing to do with Mark's arrival, with trying to keep Mark away from his patient, and with the irrational fear that Mark would take Meredith away from him.

It wasn't that he didn't trust her. It wasn't that he didn't believe that she hadn't initiated the talk he had ended when he had sucker punched Mark right in front of her. It wasn't that he didn't believe her when she told him there would never be anyone else. It was the knowledge that Mark had taken before. It was the knowledge that Mark didn't respect those ever important boundaries. It was the knowledge that Mark had a reputation for a reason. He had talked a lot of girls into things they weren't so keen on to begin with. He was charismatic and smooth and engaging. And Derek had been consumed with the irrational fear that Meredith wouldn't be immune, no matter her intentions. However, entering the bar to find her yelling at Mark to leave her alone had definitely helped to calm his nerves.

She really was amazing. And bossy. And yet, he had spent that day ranting to her about Mark; about his presence, about his attitude, about his interference with his patient, about his betrayal. And she had taken it all. She had been there and she had comforted him and reassured him over and over and over that she was his. And he had admitted that he had been distant, without understanding why she had been asking. And he had missed her disappearance for over an hour between the hospital and the bar. And he had missed her mood after talking to her mother; that always put her down, and he always asked about it. He had been absent.

For a few hours three days before, Derek had been absent. Meredith had needed him far more than he had needed her, and yet she had found the strength to put her own problems on the back burner for him. And that realization had very nearly broken him. She had been in so much pain. And he hadn't noticed. He had known something was amiss, and when she had claimed a bad day, he had accepted it. It was Derek's dark truth; he had known it was something more and he hadn't asked, because he had been wrapped up in his own issues. He would never allow that to happen again. He would never again allow himself to finally realize something was very wrong with her when he was on top of her, trying to prove his love to her, only to find her beautiful green eyes filling with tears. Never again.

Derek Shepherd would never be absent again. Not with her.

He sighed and met Miranda's searching eyes, forcing his concentration back to the present. "You're becoming a gossip, Dr. Bailey."

She huffed. "You've tried that one before, Shepherd, now explain why I heard from Nurse Debbie that you sucker punched a man for talking to my intern?"

He had to smile at her insistence. "It wasn't like that."

"Really, because when I come back to work and find out that you two are being inappropriate-"

"It wasn't like that," he repeated, cutting her off. "And she had absolutely nothing to do with it, so please don't take anything out on her."

"Fine."

He nodded. "It was Mark," he admitted. "He showed up, I saw him, and suddenly he was on the floor."

"Mark..." She spoke softly as her eyes shifted like she knew the name, but couldn't place it.

"He was my best friend, until he slept with Addison."

She nodded. "Right." She met his eyes again. "Derek, I'm sorry to hear that. Is he gone now?"

Derek shrugged. He and Meredith had spent the day after at the trailer. And they hadn't seen Mark when they had returned to work the day before. "I think so; I hope so."

"Good."

"Yeah," he agreed with a smile.

"So, is my husband clear to go home?"

He nodded, smiling at Tucker, and then back at Miranda. "Absolutely. He's doing very well. You're free to take him home."

Even with her attempts to remain relatively stoic at work, she couldn't prevent the smile that appeared on her lips. "That's wonderful. Derek, without trying to further inflate that ego of yours, thank-you." She shook her head. "If it hadn't been for you..." She didn't need to complete her sentence.

He nodded, closing a comforting hand around her forearm. "I know." And he really did. They had both almost lost a loved on that day.

She took a breath. "And how is Meredith doing, after everything?"

"She's okay, I think. It was hard, going to the memorial service and everything. And then this week..." He sighed. "We're getting through it. She's still here; that's the most important thing."

"You are being there for her, right Shepherd? Because if I hear that you-"

He laughed. "Miranda, trust me, there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

000

Derek spotted her across the cafeteria having lunch. After spending so much time with her lately, he had found himself searching the halls for a glimpse of her through the morning, but had only seen her while checking on his patient. He purchased his meal and wandered through the throngs of tables to collapse next to her.

"Hey," she greeted evenly.

"Hey," he responded, leaning close to kiss her cheek. "How's my patient?" A young boy had been hit in the head with a baseball, to the horror of his fathers, and Derek was keeping him for observation. His scans had revealed a small amount of blood in a ventricle, but Derek had high hopes the injury would resolve itself.

"He's doing well," she commented. "I checked on him right before lunch; all of his stats are normal."

"Good," he murmured into her ear. "That'll give us plenty of time for lunch..."

Her laughter was music to his ears, even as she was playfully shoving him away from her.

He grumbled good naturedly and reached for a fry from her plate, smiling when he elicited a second giggle.

"Thief," she muttered.

He laughed, pushing his plate closer to hers. "I'll share..."

She rolled her eyes at his very green lunch. "So not a fair trade," she told him, reaching for a piece of lettuce anyway.

"On that case I'll have to think of something I can do to make it up to you..." He raised an eyebrow.

"And what would you have in mind, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Well, Dr. Grey, I'm open to suggestion..."

She shook her head at his antics and leaned in close to press her lips against his. "Surprise me," she whispered, pulling away as Cristina set her tray down at their table with a bang.

"Hey," Cristina greeted them both with a curt nod as she collapsed onto a free seat.

"Hey, Cris," Meredith offered. Derek chimed in his own greeting. "Any good cases today?"

Cristina scowled. "Maybe; if the guys clingy, wedding obsessed fiancée lets him have the surgery. He's got the largest aortic aneurism I've ever seen. The guy's a walking time bomb. But all _she_ wants is to get married. She's all 'wedding this, wedding that, this is getting in the way of my wedding.'"

Meredith snorted. "She can't be that bad."

"Oh, she is. Apparently getting married means he can't die. And not because she loves him and can't live without him or any of that crap, but because the wedding is planned and she's not so young and she's been waiting a long time for it. Seriously. What is that about?"

"Family members cling to anything familiar and comforting in extreme circumstances," Derek offered. "Just be patient."

Cristina shifted her eyes to him and blinked. "Okay, seriously, you're obviously not understanding the purpose of this conversation."

"Okay..." He mumbled, sending Meredith a confused look. "And the purpose is...?"

"To rant. There's no room for rational thought and advice."

Derek bit back a laugh. "Oh, I get it know. I was getting confused with my responsibility to teach you."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "No offence or anything, McDreamy, but I have no interest in neuro, so you're off the hook."

This time Derek did laugh. "Good to know."

"So," Meredith prompted. "What are you doing to deal with her?"

"Nothing. I'm letting Bambi deal with her. He's better with people. And this way I have a better chance of scrubbing in on his surgery this afternoon."

Meredith rolled her eyes and tossed a few fries into her mouth as she leaned against Derek. "Sounds like a good plan," she added, sarcasm heavy in her voice.

"Hey, I'm getting better at dealing with the patients, and even their family members, but not when they want to get married more than they want their loved one to live."

"I guess that's fair," Meredith answered reluctantly; her best friend was obviously not going to have her mind changed at this point.

Before they could continue any part of their conversation, Izzy and Alex appeared, trays in hand and joined their table. Ever since the code black, the two had been nearly inseparable.

"How are you doing, Mer," Izzy asked after she had greeted everyone.

Meredith blinked. "Fine. Why?"

"Well, it hasn't even been two weeks since the bomb and everything. And you seem to be doing well, but I want to make sure."

"I'm fine, Iz," Meredith repeated. "Although, for the future, not the best topic to bring up at lunch. This is time away from stress."

"Sorry," her roommate offered with a shrug. "But you're never home anymore. This is my only chance to ask." There was a load of truth to Izzy's statement. She and Derek had been spending most nights at the trailer. Neither had been put on any long shifts yet; all who were closely exposed to the code black were being 'eased' back into work, with the exception of Cristina, of course, who had been back the first day the ORs were operational. Meredith and Derek were taking advantage of the relatively early nights to drive out to his land. It was therapeutic to them both.

The code black and Mark appearing within a time frame of a little over a week had put significant stress on both of them. Although, as Meredith was infinitely glad to discover, it wasn't stressing _them_. Their relationship was still solid. They were talking. They were dealing. In a way she was grateful for Mark's sudden appearance and the day that had resulted from it. Maybe it had been a wake up call, a warning to talk before it was too late. She had thought she could handle everything she was going through on her own. She had been wrong. And letting it get so bad that she had actually broken down and cried _during_ sex was enough to let her know just how off base she had been. But the embarrassment she would have thought to have experienced hadn't been there. There had only been love and support from him. They had talked through everything they had both been feeling, and everything they should have done differently. And when they had run out of words, they had finished what they had started. And Meredith had woken the next morning feeling more loved than she could ever remember.

She had woken up the morning after with a new sense of calm in her life. She may not have a mother who remembered her. And she may not have a father who wanted her. But Meredith had a man who loved her; a man who wanted to be with her and had promised not to leave her. And she had friends she was starting to regard as the family she had never had. She didn't want to dwell on the family that hadn't wanted her anymore. She wanted to look forward to the life she was building towards.

Back in the present, Meredith allowed a small smile to grace her lips as she reached for Derek's hand under the table, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to be closer to him. "We've been taking advantage of the lighter schedules to spend some time on the island," she told Izzy. "Sorry I haven't been home so much, but I'm sure we'll be staying there more when our hours pick up again." Derek nodded his agreement, and Meredith smiled wider. It was assumed _they_ would be staying in town more, when _they_ stopped staying at the trailer. There was no more sleeping alone; no more questioning if he would come home with her that night. And that...was awesome.

000

"Are you sure you're okay?" Meredith asked for the umpteenth time as she stood anxiously in the small exam room.

"I'm fine," George muttered through his teeth as he clutched at his left arm. His posture was hunched and pained.

Meredith laid a comforting hand on his good shoulder. "That's my catch phrase."

He looked up, his pained expression hinting at a smile. "Good point."

She ran her hand along his shoulder blade and back and forth across his upper back, remembering him tumbling down the stairs in front of her. They had been discussing their patients, and had opted to take the stairs as they headed for the main floor. It was only two flights. And then, stepping down onto the first step on the second flight, George had stepped on something and had fallen.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Torres," said the young doctor who stepped into the room with them, clipboard in hand. "And you must be George O'Malley." She lifted her eyes from the chart and took in George's attire. "Dr. George O'Malley," she corrected, her lips turning up into a smile. "You're the heart in the elevator guy."

George swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, that's me. I've, uh...dislocated my shoulder."

Dr. Torres nodded, her experienced hands feeling around his injured joint. "Yeah, I see that..." She pulled away and went back to his chart. "You know the drill; pick your poison..." She looked up expectantly.

"Uh, no pain killers, thanks," George mumbled.

She raised an eyebrow and exchanged a look with Meredith. "Bold choice."

"Well, technically, I'm still on duty."

She exchanged another look with Meredith. "And planning to stay? Bolder choice."

"George," Meredith said gently. "You don't need to stay. Seriously, Bailey will send you home when she finds out."

He shook his head. "No. I'm fine to stay. I just need some help popping it back in."

"Come on, George," Meredith tried as Dr. Torres made her way back to George's side, her fingers feeling along his arm. "I'll even drive you home."

Dr. Torres nodded. "You should listen to your girlfriend," she stated.

"She's not my-Arghhhh!" George exclaimed as his shoulder was rotated back into place.

Dr. Torres expertly supported his arm as she reached for the sling. "Sorry; it hurts less if you don't see it coming."

"She's not my girlfriend," George repeated as his arm was secured high on his torso to allow the pressure off his shoulder. "She's my roommate."

Meredith nodded her agreement. "I'm Meredith Grey," she offered. "Also an intern."

Dr. Torres nodded. "You're the hand on the bomb girl."

Meredith nodded again. "Yup. That's me."

She laughed. "Wow, you two are like mini celebrities around here, the way the gossip travels. Let me guess, you also live with the resident who saved that woman last month when they were both in the same car accident?"

Meredith laughed. She had heard that story as well. "Nope, sorry to disappoint you."

George stood up cautiously. "But we do live with two other doctors, so I guess if you wait long enough they'll be something with one of them."

Dr. Torres laughed. "I'll be sure to keep up on that..."

George smiled and met her eyes, and Meredith suddenly faltered, realizing she was quickly feeling like a third wheel as she saw something between the other two in the room. "Well," she stuttered. "I really need to check on my patient, so as long as you're sure you don't need me to drive you home...?" She turned and expectant look to George.

"I'm sure," George said, his voice taking on a confident quality she hadn't heard before.

She nodded and bit back a laugh as she excused herself. _Good for George_, she thought. She hadn't seen him interested in anyone since Olivia had given him syphilis.

000

It was late when Meredith and Derek finally fell into bed together. Their young patient had developed complications, which they had successfully dealt with before anything too severe had come up, but it had meant the boy was put on heavy monitoring for several hours. Derek had been hesitant to leave until he was sure the boy would not develop a build up of pressure again. And Meredith had stayed late with him, not wanting to go home alone.

"I'm tired," Meredith mumbled as she settled herself against his chest.

"Me too," he yawned, his hands finding her back. "You stole my shirt again," he accused lightly.

She giggled. "It's comfy..."

"Still..."

She lifted her head and met his playful eyes. "And what do you think I should do about it?"

He smirked. "I think you should take it off right away."

Meredith laughed and shook her head at his antics. "I thought you were tired?"

He yawned again, but his eyes continued to sparkle. "I am," he admitted. "I guess I'll have to let you keep it for the night..."

"Thank-you," she murmured, reaching her upper body up to press her lips against his. "You're too good to me."

He smiled and brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. "You deserve it," he told her honestly.

She smiled and lay her head back down on his shoulder with a sigh. "You remember the patient Cristina was ranting about at lunch?"

"How could I forget?" Derek mumbled into her hair.

She giggled, but sobered quickly. "He decided to have the surgery and...his fiancée left him...in a hospital bed."

Derek sighed. "That sucks."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. "Apparently she claimed she wasn't strong enough, so she...just left him there. And then his aneurism blew and he was rushed into surgery and lived. And woke up after all alone."

Derek closed his arms around her. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm not sure," she told him honestly.

"You know I'd never do that, right?"

She lifted her head again, meeting his eyes evenly. "I do know. But maybe..." She trailed off, trying to collect her thoughts.

"Maybe what?" He prompted, his eyes concerned.

She offered him a small smile to waive his concerns. "It's just...they met, they fell in love and decided to get married and planned the wedding and everything... And yet...here they are now, not getting married. And he almost died. And I'll bet that he never expected her to abandon him like that. I mean, I met them on rounds, so I'm pretty sure..."

He scrunched his forehead. "I think you're losing me..."

"Stick with me, I'm getting to my point."

He smiled. "Okay."

"Anyway, horrible things happen every day. You don't expect to suddenly be in the hospital with life threatening injuries, but it happens. It's not something you can ever know for sure. But I think you should be able to know for sure who will be there with you, you know?"

Derek blinked. "Okay..."

She laughed at his attempt to follow her train of thought. "That man didn't expect to have a heart attack and discover he had a life threatening condition, but he was okay with it because there was nothing he could have done about it, and no way to have known. And he was prepared to have the surgery. But he expected his fiancée to stick by him. And I'm sure he wouldn't have left her bedside if it had been her in the hospital. He just struck me as that kind of guy. He was strong enough to be there for her."

"Mer..."

"No," she shook her head. "Just another minute, I'm getting there. Anyway, my point is, when I got hurt I knew you would be there for me, and I get that it isn't much of an example because I wasn't injured badly or anything, but I'm sure if I ever am that you will be there for me."

Derek nodded. "Absolutely."

She smiled. "And you were amazing when I broke down the other day. And you came right out and told me that you would never leave me. So..." She took a breath. "This is me telling you that I will stick by you if something horrible should happen. This is me telling you that I'm strong enough for you. And most importantly, this is me telling you that I will never leave you."

Nothing could have prepared her for the expression that took over his features. "Thank-you," he whispered, his voice suddenly hoarse. "I...thank-you, Meredith. I think that...I didn't even realize how much I needed to hear that."

She leaned forward and kissed him again before resettling on his chest. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too."

She sighed happily and closed her eyes.

"Derek," she said thoughtfully after several quiet minutes. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything."

She paused for a moment. "Do we live together?"

There were several seconds of silence. "I'm not really sure how to answer that," he eventually admitted.

She nodded against his chest. "It's just...I know that after the bomb and everything I kind of demanded we always sleep in the same bed, but I... I wasn't thinking about everything at the time. And I know you would have agreed to anything then-"

"Hey," he said sharply. "I would have agreed to that anytime."

"I didn't mean it that way," she said softly, once again raising her head so she could meet his eyes. "I just meant that you would have agreed to 'no longer sleeping alone' thing, and wouldn't have pushed to see exactly where that leaves us. And I've never done this before, so I'm not sure where that leaves us right now..." She trailed off. "I love that we've spent every night together since then. And I love that it's expected. But I was in with George when he was getting his shoulder relocated and he told Dr. Torres that we live with two other doctors. And that means that my roommate sees you as another roommate. And I guess I just want to know if that's what you are..."

He was smiling warmly at her when she finally trailed off. "You're adorable when you ramble, have I told you that before?"

She rolled her eyes and sat up, sitting cross-legged beside him. "I'm sorry that I'm so scattered tonight, but I just...want to know."

He sat up, taking both of her hands in his. "I would have to say that we don't officially live together...yet."

Meredith smiled, knowing exactly what he was insinuating. "Okay, then, Derek, will you, officially, move in with me?"

He dipped his head and captured her lips for several moments. "I'd love to," he answered when he finally came up for air.

_**AN: I'm starting to feel like a broken record, but sorry again about the delay in updating. I was having trouble getting through part of this chapter, and so set it aside to work on Still Here. But I'm back now. Originally I wanted to continue this story through season 2, and maybe 3. But I think I've decided to take it through season three as well now. The only problem is that the closer and more solid their relationship becomes, the more they are pulling away from the storyline of the show, so I am working through some of the main situations from the third season in my head right now (drowning etc...). Also, I am going to skip over 2.20 and 2.21. I loved the story of the woman with the brain aneurism, and fork in her neck, but the point of that was to make Derek aware that he had been absent and to no longer be absent. And I guess I jumped the gun, because I've already dealt with that. Anyway, sorry again, but thanks for reading still!**_


	22. Derek's birthday

It was almost three in the morning. Meredith shivered as she hurried across the parking lot towards the front doors of the hospital. She had awoken alone about forty minutes before, and had discovered a message on her cell phone from Derek, telling her he wouldn't make it home. She must have slept right through his call. After spending the previous night on call and working all of the previous day, Meredith had forgone waiting for Derek to finish his emergency surgery and had allowed Izzy to drive her home. After a quick shower, she had collapsed onto her bed and fallen asleep, wet hair and all, expecting to wake up to him collapsing beside her some time in the next few hours.

But his patient had been critically injured. And a set of burr holes hadn't done enough to elude the pressure. So he had been forced to stay into the night, removing clot after clot. His message had told her if he wasn't home it was because his patient was still alive and he would be sleeping at the hospital, ready to go back into surgery at any moment.

He had referred to her house as _home._ It had been three weeks since she had _officially _asked him to move in with her, but the term, rolling off of his lips with such ease, still gave her goose bumps.

Meredith reached the front doors and shivered as she stepped inside, the blast of warm air clueing her body in to just how cold it had been outside. There was only one family in the waiting room, sprawled across the uncomfortable chairs. Meredith wondered if they belonged to Derek's patient.

She quickly made her way through the lobby to the elevators, shifting her shoulder bag up along her shoulder so it wouldn't fall. She had been planning this day for some time. And she wasn't about to let him being stuck at the hospital all night throw her off track. It was going to be special.

She had never been in this position before, so she had no idea what was expected from her. And when she had asked, he had only told her one thing.

_'All I want is to wake up next to you in the morning and fall asleep next to you at the end of the day.'_

And if that was what he wanted, that was what he was going to get. She quickly made her way to the intern locker room and stashed her bag, hoping everything would stay good for lunch. And she changed into her scrubs; they would be more comfortable to sleep in than jeans and a sweater.

The first on-call room she tried was full, and Meredith almost laughed at the sight of Alex snoring away on the lower bunk. The second one was where she found the man she was looking for. Thankfully, the other bed was empty. The highlight to being an attending was that residents and interns tried not to disturb your sleep, so they often opted to pile into the same rooms with each other and leave you be. She quietly stepped in the room and closed the door behind her.

Meredith smiled at the serene expression masking his tired features. He was laying half on his side, half on his stomach, his arms under the pillow supporting his head. His breathing was deep and even, and for a moment Meredith closed her eyes and simply listened to the familiar, comforting sound that she was quickly discovering was difficult to sleep without. She opened her eyes again and smiled down at him, shaking her head. Izzy had been right so many months ago. She had fallen for him. Hard. And there was no going back now.

But she didn't want to go back. Yes, it had really only been eight and a half months. And yes, sometimes it was scary to realize how dependent she had become on his presence. And yes, she had never expected this to happen to her. But she was glad it had happened to her. She was glad _he_ had happened to her. Because she was in love with him. And she was starting to be able to look ahead and see him there with her; and she was no longer only looking forward a week, or a month, or even a year. She was finding herself looking forward decades. And he was always there, smiling that dreamy smile and telling her how much he loved her.

And she was overwhelmed with how much she wanted it. The lifetime. The life that included him, and a home, and maybe kids, and a sense of normalcy and belonging that had been lacking her entire life until now. She understood it now, the dreams and goals of all the bright and shiny kids she had gone to school with, who, as early as kindergarten, were already fantasizing about their wedding and their dress and their prince charming. She understood it now. She wanted it now. And smiling down at the peaceful man before her, she knew she wanted it with him.

He was her happily ever after. He was her future. He was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

Meredith pulled herself from her reverie and crouched down, carefully pulling his arm out from under the pillow, making room for herself.

"Wha...?" He mumbled when she was settling herself beside him on the small bed.

"Shhh," she whispered. "It's just me. Go back to sleep." She pulled his arm tightly around her middle as she pressed her back into his chest.

Derek mumbled something incomprehensible, likely a string of syllables as opposed to actual words, and shifted to better accommodate her. His grip tightened on its own. He sighed. "I love you," he breathed into the back of her neck.

Meredith smiled and closed her eyes. "I love you too," she told him. And then she slept.

She didn't know how long she had been asleep when she was awoken by the very familiar sound of a pager going off. She moaned and buried her face in the pillow, her body screaming out for another six or seven hours of sleep. The spot next to her was cold and empty. Derek had been gone for some time.

Meredith sighed and reached for her pager. It was from Derek. _Thought you may need a wake up call._ She smiled, but it quickly turned into a grimace when she glanced at her watch. She had about a minute to meet her resident for rounds. She jumped up and hurried out of the room and down the hall, infinitely glad she had opted to change into her scrubs before looking for Derek. Although she wished she had had the foresight to set the alarm on her watch.

Rounding the last corner, she caught sight of Bailey standing in the doorway of the intern locker room. Meredith quietly came up behind her and stopped, not daring to attempt to get in the room for any reason, only hoping she would not be put on scut; even if she was really only two minutes late.

Bailey yelled into the room for her interns to hurry up, and turned, giving Meredith a surprised look. "Grey," she stated. "Were you here early?"

Meredith stuttered. "I got here earlier, yes..." It wasn't a lie.

"Good for you," she told her as the rest of her interns joined them in the hall. "The rest of you could learn a thing or two in telling time from Grey, here."

Meredith bit back a laugh.

Her resident turned back to her. "Grey, I'm in a rewarding mood. I believe Shepherd has two surgeries on the board today..."

Meredith fought the urge to nod, knowing Bailey was testing how much effort she used to keep tract of Derek's days.

"You can go ahead and scrub in on them both if he let's you, not that I would expect him not to..."

"Thank-you, Dr. Bailey," she said quickly, ignoring her best friend's pointed looked.

"Okay people, rounds," Bailey demanded as she strode off, fully expecting her well trained interns to follow. And they did.

Meredith fell into step behind her, Izzy and Cristina appearing on both sides. "Why _were _you here early?" Cristina asked.

"I just was," she answered quietly, trying to keep her responses off her resident's radar. She often wondered how much the older woman was privy to during their walks through the hospital.

"Ooh," Cristina responded. "Some hot, on-call room sex? Glad to see you two have finally come over to my side."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No." She and Derek had never even had sex in the hospital before.

"But he was here last night, wasn't he?"

Meredith nodded.

"So, you came in early to...what? Just to see him?"

"Pretty much."

Cristina scoffed. "Seriously, Meredith, that's pathetic."

"I think it's sweet," Izzy cut in.

"Yeah, you would."

Izzy ignored Cristina's comment. "It's sweet," she repeated. "And it's nice that you guys do stuff like that for each other. It's his birthday, right?"

Meredith nodded. She had gone to her roommate for help the week before when she had been brainstorming for one of her gifts. Izzy hadn't been able to help, but she had sent Meredith to a place that could.

"It's McDreamy's birthday?" Cristina asked.

Meredith nodded.

"Well, I guess it's not as pathetic, so long as you only do it for him once a year."

Meredith shook her head. It had taken her a while to realize that although she and Cristina understood each other and were very similar, they were involved in very different relationships.

"Hmm," Cristina was saying. "I guess I should find out when Burke's birthday is..."

They quickly rounded on the first few surgical patients, and were quickly dispersed to their jobs for the day. Cristina was left with the patient scheduled for a bypass that day and Alex was sent to work with another cardio resident to install a shunt. Izzy and George were sent to the pit. And Derek was more than happy to take Meredith for the day.

"So," he prompted as he led her to meet their first patient for the day. "I woke up to a nice surprise this morning."

Meredith smiled. "I hoped you'd like it."

"What time did you come in?"

"Two. You kind of woke up when I lay down, mumbled a bit..."

He laughed. "What made you come in so early?"

They were in a quiet hallway, so she paused, meeting his eyes with a shrug. "I was fulfilling your birthday wish. You told me you wanted to wake up beside me..."

His small smile grew into a full fledged McDreamy smile, causing butterflies the size of apples to pound against the inside of her abdominal cavity. "You drove in at two in the morning to sleep on an on-call room bed because I said that I wanted to wake up with you?"

"Well...yeah..."

He glanced around to make sure they were alone, and leaned in to press his lips against hers. "Thank-you."

"You're welcome. And happy birthday, by the way." This time she leaned in to kiss him.

"Best birthday ever," he whispered when she pulled away, his eyes shining as his lips curled into a gentle smile. He gazed at her for several seconds as if she were something special; and it made her heart flutter to know that to him, she was.

000

Derek looked up from his chart as the door to his office opened. It was early afternoon and they had been out of surgery for about an hour, but had parted ways after informing the family of a successful surgery. She had claimed she had a few things to take care of and would meet him in his office as soon as she could.

"Hey," she greeted as she shut the door behind her, a bag over her shoulder and a stack of take out in her hands.

"Hey," he responded, standing up to help her with juggling act.

"Thanks," she told him as he took the stack of food out of her grasp. "I can't believe I got this far without dropping anything."

Derek sniffed the wonderful smells wafting up from the food containers. "Where did you get this?" It definitely wasn't cafeteria food.

"Joe's." Although they mainly used Joe's as a bar, they had managed to escape across the street for lunch a time or two, and found that Joe's was quite useful as a restaurant as well.

Meredith placed her bag down near the opposite end of the couch and motioned for him to join her. She began opening the cartons. "I got you the chicken, I hope that was right..."

Derek sat beside her, shaking his head at her thoughtfulness. "That's...great. I thought I'd be stuck with another packaged salad today."

She laughed, leaning in to press her lips against his briefly, like a habit. "Not on your birthday. It's supposed to be special, right?"

Derek closed his arms around her and sighed. "Just having you around would make it special."

She sighed in his arms and relaxed into the contact, forgoing the food dispensing for the time being. "But I'm around every day," she finally responded.

He smiled, pressing his lips against the top of her head. "And every day is special because of it."

She sat up, pulling her head away to meet his eyes. "Really?"

He nodded. "Really."

She swallowed hard. "Well, then this is to make it even more special."

"I can't believe you did all this," he marvelled. "You're amazing."

She bit her lower lip and shrugged. "Well, you deserve it, because Derek? You make every day special for me too..."

He was overwhelmed with how much he needed to express to her in that moment, and he pressed his lips back against hers for several long moment before pulling away breathless. "I love you."

"I love you too," she responded, equally breathless.

"So, what else do we have to eat?" He finally prompted, realizing they had less than an hour before they would be back to work.

Meredith smiled and opened a chicken dish for him, and a steak one for herself, as well as a plate of fries for them to share. And he was amazed that she had even gone so far as to pack plates and cutlery from home for them to use. It was nice to be eating with metal forks and knives at work for once, and not plastic.

Derek took his first bite and sighed in content at the taste. "This was a good idea, Mer," he told her thankfully.

She smiled at him before scooting closer until her shoulder was flush against his. "We'll have to do it again next year."

He laughed. "I was thinking more like tomorrow..." He trailed off, the meaning behind her words lagging behind the actual words she spoke. She had said _next year_. He had said it to her more than once, and her reaction was better every time. And she had never been anything other than accepting, even if she was apprehensive. But she had never voiced it herself; not in such a simple, expected, nonchalant way. And that felt good to hear. She expected them to have a next year too.

He looped his arm around her waist, happy to be close to her. "This is definitely extra special."

"Good, that's what I was going for," she said lightly.

They continued to eat quietly, trading short stories about their week and bantering lightly when the conversation called for it. When they were finished their meal, Meredith took the plate from his lap, stacked it with hers and put them, along with the cutlery, in a plastic bag on the corner of the table out of the way.

"Okay," she said, turning back to him. "Close your eyes."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

She gave him a pointed look. "Why do you think? It's your birthday, so close your freaking eyes."

He laughed, still refusing to follow her demands. "Why? Are you going to do naughty things to me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Derek, we have like twenty minutes left, do you really expect an X-rated birthday present now?"

He nodded, barely able to conceal the grin threatening his features. "We'll just have to be quick..." He whispered, leaning in close for a kiss.

Meredith giggled and pecked him quickly on the lips, not about to be sucked in.

"Come on..." He complained.

"Hey, if you want to do the special birthday sex thing in twenty minutes, that's your call. But I'm warning you; that's all you get."

He pursed his lips, pretending to be thinking. "So, it's twenty minutes now or..."

"Or as long as you want tonight," she supplied.

"Hmm..." He murmured, pretending to be thinking. "I suppose I'll have to choose the latter."

She rolled her eyes again. "Good. Now close your freaking eyes."

Derek grumbled, but did as he was told. There was a skidding sound, followed by rustling. She had pulled her bag closer and was extracting something. There was a ping as something was set down on the table, sounding suspiciously like a plate. "Can I open them yet?" He whined, trying to get a rise out of her.

"Did I tell you that you could?" She countered.

"No..." He answered with a smirk, having gotten the reaction he was hoping for. A container was opened, and caught a whiff of something sweet. And then he heard the unmistakable sound of the thumb press on a lighter, followed by the faint smell of something burning.

"Okay, you can open your eyes now."

He did and was rewarded by the sight of Meredith sitting cross-legged beside him, handing him a small plate, hosting a cupcake with a single candle burning in the center. He was surprised to feel his eyes misting. When he was growing up, his mother had always bought a large cake, and the family celebrated together. When he was in college, Mark had taken him out drinking. When he was married, Addison would buy him something expensive and they would go out for dinner to some upscale restaurant she would have picked out. But no one had ever done something so simple, and yet so...wonderful for him on his birthday before. It didn't matter that she had told him a week ago that she was going to take him out for dinner. She had still dragged herself in at two in the morning just so he could wake up next to her. And she had gone across the street to pick up some real food for their lunch. And she had brought him a birthday cupcake. He couldn't remember the last time he had blown out a candle on his birthday; probably back in high school.

"Happy birthday," she told him quietly. "It's carrot cake, so you'll actually eat it. I didn't think I'd be able to convince you to eat a real dessert at lunch _and_ at dinner tonight, so I went for the healthy one now."

"A birthday carrot muffin?"

She shook her head. "No. A birthday carrot-cake cupcake. It's like the same mix or whatever they use in cakes, but in cupcake form...cause I knew a whole cake would just be a waste with you," she said with a laugh. "And seriously, Derek, a muffin is not an acceptable birthday food."

He laughed, still shaking his head at her thoughtfulness. "Where did you get it?"

"Well, the correct answer is where did I get them? I had to have two dozen made to get any. I approached Izzy first, but apparently she had a bad history with carrot cake, so she sent me to that bakery downtown. And as long as I ordered a minimum of two dozen, they said they would do it."

"Well, thanks, Mer," he said softly, leaning in for yet another kiss. "I love it."

"You haven't even tasted it yet," she countered. "They're awesome. I'd even go so far as to say they are almost as good as the chocolate cake a normal person would eat, especially with the cream cheese icing."

He found himself laughing again. "I'm not a normal person?"

She shook her head without hesitation. "But don't worry; I love you anyway."

He rolled his eyes. "And you're so normal?"

"I never said I was. Now blow out the damn candle before I get in trouble for having an open flame in a hospital."

He smirked. "Usually, before the birthday celebrator is expected to blow out his candle, the giver of the cake has to sing happy birthday..."

"Yeah, well, it's not a real cake, so it doesn't count."

"I think it counts."

"I'm not singing happy birthday to you, Derek."

"Come on..."

"Not going to happen. I don't sing."

He laughed, and was surprised when the door of his office opened, quickly cutting off their playful argument. He turned his head, still holding the plate with the burning candle, to see Chief Webber standing in his doorway.

"Crap," Meredith mumbled beside him. "I knew the candle thing was going to come back and bite me in the ass."

He bit back a laugh. "Chief," he greeted.

"Derek, Meredith," Richard returned through slightly narrowed eyes. "Is this where you usually eat lunch?"

Derek shook his head. "Not usually. Just today..."

Richard approached them. "I was just going to leave this on your desk," he explained, dropping a small folder onto the table before them. "Doctor Havers from Mercy West wants your opinion on a patient. They had these faxed over this morning. They'll have you go and consult in person if you think it's necessary."

"Thanks, Chief," Derek said quickly.

Richard's eyes fell on the still burning item in his hand.

"I'm sorry about the candle, Chief," Meredith said quickly. "It's my fault. And I know it's against the rules, but I thought it would be okay, seeing as it was only supposed to be for a moment, but then Derek refused to blow it out until I sang, but I don't sing, so he refused to blow out the freaking candle and-"

"Mer," Derek said quickly, amused, as always, with her ability to ramble as she did.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

Richard also looked amused when Derek turned his gaze back to the older man. He was relieved that he didn't seem upset by the sight he had found in Derek's office. Derek couldn't put his finger on it, but there was something about the way his long term mentor looked at him and acted around him that had changed since he had found out about his relationship with Meredith. And it was something that Burke and Cristina didn't have to contend with, even though they were in the same situation. "What's the occasion?" He finally asked.

"It's his birthday," Meredith supplied.

"Well, happy birthday, Shep, I didn't know." Richard offered with a smile.

"Thanks, Chief."

Richard turned his gaze back to Meredith. "You got him a muffin for his birthday?"

"It's not a muffin," she complained, causing Derek to laugh. "It's a cupcake; made with cake batter. And it's good."

Derek couldn't help but laugh as he finally ducked his head to blow out his candle, but was stopped.

"Shep," Richard chastised. "You can't blow out your birthday candle without making a wish."

Derek blinked as he took in the laughing, but serious face of his mentor and the laughter of the woman he loved. He turned his head and met Meredith's sparkling eyes for several moments before turning back to his cake, closing his eyes and making his wish. There was only one thing he could think of that was wish worthy.

He blew out his one candle easily, pulled it out of the top of the cupcake, and took a bite. "She's right," he supplied as he swallowed. "It's very good." And it really was.

"Do you want one, Chief?" Meredith asked, reaching for the container she had pulled out of her bag.

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to take anything away from you..."

"I have plenty," she reassured him. "I had to order two dozen. I'll have to give a bunch away anyway."

"Well, why not, then?" Richard stated, picking one out of the container Meredith was holding out to him. "I'll call it a trade for the candle."

Meredith giggled beside him at Richard's comment and Derek couldn't help but laugh as well.

"Well, happy birthday, Shep," Richard offered again. "And thanks for the cupcake. Read over the file in the next few days and contact the treating surgeon before the end of the week. It's not too urgent."

"Thanks, Chief."

Richard said a quick goodbye and left, closing the door behind him.

Meredith swiped her small hand at his arm. "I told you to hurry up with the freaking candle."

Derek laughed and pulled her close to him, ignoring her protests as he wrapped his arms around her. "Sorry," he mumbled into her hair before breathing in the intoxicating scent of lavender.

"You're not sorry," she muttered into his chest.

He laughed and tightened his hold on her small frame. "Mer, I have to tell you. This is the best birthday I've ever had."

She sat up enough to meet his eyes. "Really?"

"Really," he whispered, kissing her.

She made a joking face when he pulled away. "You taste like carrot."

"So do you," he countered, causing her to giggle in the way that made his heart melt.

"I love you," she offered.

"I love you too."

And hours later, after she had dropped off a batch of cupcakes at the nurses' station and announced it was his birthday to the surgical floor to get back at him for the candle incident, and after their afternoon surgery, and after she had taken him out to dinner at their favourite Italian restaurant, and after they had driven out to the trailer for some privacy, and after they had made good use of that privacy, Derek got the second half of the only thing he had wanted for his birthday to be special. He was lulled to sleep by the even breathing of the woman wrapped securely in his arms. She had gone out of her way to make his birthday special, just as she made special every day of his life. And as Derek closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift off, he knew there would be a next year, and a year after that, and a year after that...

_**AN: Okay, so this chapter? I was in a sappy mood... In fact, I started the next chapter, which was supposed to be this chapter, and decided to write something sappy in between instead. So, yeah... Oh, and I also wanted to mention, for those readers who also read WHAT I'M HERE FOR, that I have began posting the sequel, STILL HERE. I started posting last week, but I have had more than one person mention on the last chapter, 5, that they hadn't realized before that. So, yeah, just to let everyone know. Thanks for reading!**_


	23. Molly

"Blond ambition tour!" Cristina yelled for the second time, motioning angrily towards her clueless boyfriend as his nonchalant attitude clashed with her competitive nature. "Vogue!" She exclaimed when Burke's face did not light up with recognition. "She's blond...and ambitious with the tour and the vogue-ing and the-" She cut herself off when his attention began to waver from her as their onlookers laughed. "Look at me." She demanded before continuing. "Cones, cones, blond ambition boob cones...and...and...Sean Penn!"

"And that's time," George called with a laugh, causing Cristina to collapse onto her seat, her head held in her hands in shame. Cristina Yang was not used to losing. "That would be zero points for Madonna."

"Oh," Burke said. "Madonna, right."

Cristina made an in-descript noise, her face still hidden behind her hands.

Meredith laughed along with everyone else as she leaned against Derek, savouring the closeness of their position on the large stuffed chair in Cristina and Burke's living room. She had been apprehensive when Derek had come to her the day before and told her Burke had invited them to a games night. But she couldn't say she wasn't having fun.

George and Callie definitely seemed to be on the same wavelength about so many things related to successful games night strategy. But she and Derek were holding their own. And Cristina and Burke...not so much. Cristina's hypercompetitive nature was preventing her from having any fun as she and Burke consistently scored the fewest points round after round after round.

"Okay," George was mumbling as he glanced downward at the pad of paper in his hands. "After a quick tally, Callie and I are in the lead...as expected," he added with a triumphant smirk. "Mer and Shepherd are in second. And then way down in the point category...we have Preston and Cristina...in last."

"Shut up," Cristina grumbled, finally lifting her head. "Just...shut up."

"Hey, Cris," Meredith prompted, "Tell me, what's another term for last?" Derek broke into another round of laughter beside her and it was all she could do not to join him.

Her best friend glared at her. "You shut up too."

"I think the word you're looking for is _losing_," George supplied, not missing a beat.

"I don't lose," Cristina said quickly.

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Really? Cause it looks like you are right now..."

"Well...games night is stupid. This whole thing is stupid. It doesn't count."

"Count towards what?"

Cristina glared at her again. "Life. It doesn't count towards life. I was _first_ in my class at Berkeley; _that_ counts towards life. I will beat all of you in our intern exam in three months; that will count. Games night? That doesn't count."

Meredith rolled her eyes. Games night may not count towards the tally where your success can be calculated by education achieved, career choices and performance ratings; the tally her best friend values above all others. But games night counted towards life; at least in her eyes. Meredith had never gone to a games night before. Meredith had never even gone out with Derek to be with other people before. She and Derek barely got any time to go out just the two of them. So, games night meant something to her, because it _didn't_ count towards the big scorecard; it meant she was doing something fun, and extra and new. And she was having fun. She and Derek were having fun together. And that was pretty cool.

"Okay..." Preston said carefully, eyeing his stewing girlfriend. "Why don't we move on to something else?"

000

George didn't know how these things happened to him. He was a good person. He was nice to everyone. He did well in school, and he never had a bad thing to say about anyone. And yet...somehow George was stuck working with his roommate's - and one of his best friend's who he'd recently had a crush on - boyfriend's ex-wife on a patient that apparently was said roommate's half sister. And George was certain that Meredith knew nothing about this half-sister, and the soon-to-be half-niece. Or the stepmother. George didn't even know if Meredith knew her father still lived in Seattle. Early in their residency, he, Meredith and Izzy had been eating dinner together on one of the first nights they had lived together, and family had come up. He had grown up with happy parents and two, annoying, older brothers. Izzy had only ever known her mother. Meredith had been an only child, and her parents had divorced when she was five. She had never seen her father again. That was it. Meredith had never mentioned any more.

He sighed, lost in his thoughts as he stormed across the catwalk, on his way to radiology to pick up Molly Thompson's MRI results. He had wasted enough time skulking around the hospital, trying to determine a course of action. As one of her best friends, George knew he couldn't not tell Meredith. But he had been unable to find her; and he wasn't sure if he was frustrated with that, or thankful.

"Hey," his boss for the day called as he almost passed her on the catwalk. "Do you have Molly Thompson's MRI results?"

"I was just on my..." He stuttered, knowing it had been far too long.

Addison Montgomery shot him an incredulous look. "What the hell have you been doing then? When I assign you to a case of mine, I expect you to give it your complete and undivided attention," she continued without giving him a chance to respond. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you off this case?"

George swallowed hard, unsure of how much leeway he would be given, seeing as it concerned the one person in the hospital Addison Montgomery should have the least amount of sympathy for. "I, uh..." George sighed heavily. "Molly Thompson's maiden name is Grey. Her father is Thatcher Grey. Thatcher Grey is also Meredith's father, which means Molly and Meredith are sisters, but...I don't think Meredith even knows Molly exists..." He trailed off, unable to read Addison's expression.

"Are you sure?" She finally asked.

He nodded. "Yeah."

She looked about to say something, but closed her mouth and nodded. "Well, okay then. Go and get the results."

"Thanks," George said carefully, once again heading off for radiology.

It was two hours later that he finally found Meredith. She was on her way to the cafeteria for lunch, but he cut her off and dragged her into an empty on-call room.

"George," she prompted gently, her green eyes burning with curiosity.

George hesitated. She was happy. There was a spark in her eyes these days that hadn't been there when he had first met her, and it was growing brighter and brighter by the day. She was happy. And George knew that Shepherd was good for her; he made her happy. It was the reason he had finally given up his crush and vowed to move on. She deserved to be happy. But he was a good friend. He couldn't not tell her.

He sighed and motioned for her to sit down before seating himself next to her. "I, uh...How are you doing today?"

She raised an eyebrow, a gentle smirk playing along her lips. "You expect me to believe you dragged me in here to ask how my day has been going?" She laughed when failed to respond. "Fine, I can play along. My day's been going well, George. I had to listen to Cristina rant about losing last night, and got to gloat about beating her so that was fun. And Izzy and I have been working with Callie this morning, which is...interesting. I mean, I like Callie, but not ortho." She nodded. "Now you go. How has you day been going?"

He laughed at her attitude. "Stressful," he answered honestly. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded.

"When was the last time you saw your father?"

Her face dropped noticeably at his words and she shook her head. "I don't want to talk about my father."

"I'm sorry." He said quickly. "It's just...I know you said your parents got divorced when you were five and-"

"George, where is this coming from?"

"It's just...I need to know if you know anything about him."

Meredith looked unsure, but she trusted him. "I know he still lives in Seattle," she finally admitted, her voice uncharacteristically flat.

"That's all?"

She nodded. "Look, the man wants nothing to do with me. I-" She cut herself off, her eyes suddenly taking on a look of suspicion. "Why?"

George knew he was caught. "Well...he's here."

She bit her lower lip, an obviously vulnerable expression. "He's here?"

"Yeah."

"Like...to see me?"

George's heart dropped at her hopeful tone. "No. I'm sorry."

Her face dropped and she averted her eyes as she blinked profusely. "Oh, I guess I thought maybe...maybe he was." She looked up, meeting his concerned gaze again. "I went to see him about six weeks ago. And he didn't exactly say much, so I thought maybe he..." She trailed off and shook her head.

George carefully reached for her hand, trying to belay his support. "I'm sorry, Mer. He did ask if you were working today, if that's any consolation."

"Why is he here?"

"Well...he's here with my patient..."

She narrowed her eyes. "And you're working with Addison today, right?"

He nodded.

"So, the patient is...his wife? Girlfriend?"

George sighed, knowing what he was about to tell her could break her. "No. It's his daughter..."

000

Meredith didn't know what she was feeling. She didn't even know how one was supposed to feel when one was told that one's father who hadn't wanted anything to do with her was in her hospital with his new wife and grown up daughter. George hadn't been able to give Meredith any information regarding Molly Thompson, as being one of her doctors meant he couldn't release any. So Meredith was stuck stalking the open door of her room, catching glances of the younger woman. Not even the threat of Derek's ex-wife was deterring her at this point.

She paced back and forth, ready to make a run for it if Thatcher Grey appeared, or his wife; not that Meredith would have any warning as she didn't know what the woman looked like. Molly Thompson did look like her, she had to admit. Other than the fact that she was seven months pregnant, she was relatively petite. And their hair had a very similar shade. Maybe Thatcher's hair had been the same before it had greyed, she mused, not that she could remember.

Meredith was almost twenty-nine years old. Thatcher had left a month before her fifth birthday. That was almost twenty-four years ago. So, assuming Thatcher had not been having an affair, the girl in the room before her that shared so many of her features could not be older than twenty-three. Meredith sighed as she bit her lips, making another pass at the doorway. This was definitely not what she had planned on doing with her afternoon; but she couldn't manage to tear herself from the door.

The red-headed doctor by the patient's bedside turned suddenly, and Meredith's eyes widened as she realized she had been caught. She took a step back but was motioned into the room. She tentatively took a few steps forward, her eyes doing their best to keep their focus away from the patient lying in the bed. Because right now, she was just a patient. Meredith couldn't handle her being any more than just a patient.

She reluctantly met Addison's gaze and was surprised to find understanding and sympathy where she normally found pain and regret. The older surgeon even went so far as to offer a supportive smile before turning back to the patient.

"Molly, this is doctor...this is Meredith," she corrected easily. She's going to be checking your vitals."

Meredith sucked in a breath as she was passed the chart and left alone with _the patient_.

"Hi," Meredith managed to say, offering a small, hopefully professional, smile, trying to pretend this really was just another patient.

"Hey," the patient responded politely, offering her a nod.

"Do you mind if I..." Meredith held out the blood pressure cuff. It would give her a couple minutes and she'd have an excuse to leave when it was finished if she wanted.

"Oh, no," the patient responded with a small laugh. "I'm getting used to being poked and prodded."

Meredith smiled and nodded. Silence reigned as the cuff began to constrict on its own. She hesitated, searching for something to say to gain even a smidgen of insight into the patient's life. Her eyes caught of the patient's left hand. "That's a pretty ring."

"Oh, thanks, it was my grandma's...and then my mom's..." she paused, looking up at Meredith. "You think I'm too young to be married."

"Oh, no, I don't," Meredith stuttered, ignoring the small slam to her ego that her apparent half sister at a maximum age of twenty-three had far surpassed the level Meredith was just now thinking herself capable of reaching.

"It's okay; everybody thinks I'm too young. If I saw me, I'd think I was too young."

"H-how old are you?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"Twenty-two. Eric's twenty-three. He's in the army and he was getting shipped out...and I just love him so much, you know?" Molly offered with a small shrug and a simple smile. "Anyway," she continued. "I proposed."

Meredith took a breath. She was almost twenty-nine, and she had only recently asked Derek to move in with her. And even though she knew they were headed towards the whole marriage thing, she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it yet. It had taken her almost twenty-nine years to be able to move in with a man. Hell, it had taken her almost twenty-nine years to say 'I love you' to a man. And Molly had just demonstrated how easily she could say it, and she was only twenty-two. Although, Meredith was certain Molly had been told she was loved by her parents, her perfect mother and her present father. Meredith certainly hadn't been. The only person ever to utter those words to her had been Derek.

The monitor beeped once, announcing the blood pressure reading was complete. Meredith noted the new reading and removed the cuff. She could make a run for it whenever she wanted now. But she was desperate for more information. What were her parents like? What was Thatcher like as a father? Did Molly even know about Meredith?

"And your parents," Meredith brought up the topic carefully. "They approve?"

Molly smiled warmly. "Oh, my parents are amazing," she said without hesitation. "And you know how dads can be..."

Meredith nodded along, even though she had no idea.

"Mine's pretty overprotective," Molly continued. "But...at my wedding, when he gave me away, my dad cried. I mean, I'd never seen my dad cry before. But I think it was kind of weird for him, because I'm like...his little girl..."

Meredith swallowed a lump in her throat. She had been Thatcher Grey's little girl once upon a time. She had been young, and her memories were foggy, but she could remember a time before her father had left. She could remember a time where she had been certain her father would always be there. Maybe that was the difference between her and the woman in the bed. Molly's beliefs hadn't been crushed yet. Meredith's had been crushed twenty-four years ago. She could remember the airplane ride to Boston with her mother; her first. She could remember landing with the belief that her father would be there waiting for them. And then she could remember the belief that her father would come and see her. He had promised. And she could remember writing to Santa months later, asking for her father back. Ellis had found the letter and had broken to her five and a half year old daughter that Santa Clause, along with the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy, and happily ever afters, did not exist.

Molly sighed and continued. "I'm the youngest, and my sister is nowhere near ready for marriage."

Meredith felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Two daughters. Thatcher had two other daughters. She wished she had left when the blood pressure had completed. Hell, she wished she had never come to stalk the room. She didn't need to be hearing it. But there was that deep, dark little place inside her that was desperate for more information. So she stayed.

"...But it was good crying, like he was proud of me." Molly finished with a smile. "I'm sorry," she said quickly as she took in Meredith's less than enthused expression. "I'm just nervous...so I'm talking..."

"It's okay," Meredith said quickly, trying to steer the conversation back. "So, you have a sister?" She hated that for one small fraction of a moment she hoped Molly was talking about her, no matter how irrational it was.

"Lexie," Molly supplied. "She's in medical school; Harvard. She's the smart one. You should see how my dad is about her. He's like crazy proud."

Meredith sucked in a breath. She had gone to medical school; but no one had been proud of her. "Well, I'm going to go." She couldn't stay in this room any longer. It was sucking the happiness out of the life she was creating for herself. And she had waited too long to lose everything like this. It may not be much to bright and shiny Molly Thompson, who was happily married and pregnant at twenty-two, but to Meredith, her recent life choices meant everything.

"Meredith?" Molly spoke up, meeting her eyes. "Do you think my baby's going to be okay?" There was more than a hint of vulnerability in her tone, but it was coupled with something Meredith couldn't quite pinpoint. Strength, maybe. The knowledge that she had a family of supporters behind her. The belief that things would turn out okay.

"I hope so," Meredith told her honestly.

"Me too."

"Okay," Meredith mumbled, nodding as she hesitated, wondering how to make her exit. She nodded again at Molly and chose to simply turn away, disconcerted that somewhere in the few minutes she had spent with the girl, _the patient_ had become Molly in her head.

She breathed a sigh of relief when she re-entered the hallway, completely uncertain as to which emotion she was feeling the strongest. There were so many to choose from. Anger. Pain. Astonishment. Vulnerability.

"Hey," Addison called, stepping out of a patient room beside her. "How did it go?"

Meredith stopped dead. "Excuse me?"

"O'Malley told me about your father. How did it go, with your sister?"

She found herself shaking her head before she finished processing the question. "She's not my sister."

Addison hesitated. "And yet, you were hovering in the doorway of her room."

"I was just..." Meredith trailed off. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing. It won't happen again." She made to leave, but Addison stopped her.

"That's not what I meant at all. I understand what you were doing. I can't imagine having something like that sprung on me out of the blue."

Meredith took a breath, forcing herself to get off the defensive. She met Addison's eyes. The woman looked honestly sympathetic. She nodded an awkward acknowledgment and shrugged. "Thank-you," she said tersely, not wanting to come off weak to the woman who still loomed in her thoughts and fears at times. "I wasn't trying to hover; I just wanted...I needed...to...know..."

Addison nodded. "I understand. I would have done the exact same thing." She offered Meredith a small smile.

Meredith hesitantly returned the smile, wondering why Addison was being so nice to her.

"I can put you on the case, if you'd like?"

She quickly shook her head. "Thank-you, Dr. Montgomery, but I really don't need to work with Molly."

Addison sighed and stepped a bit closer. "Because of me, or because of Molly?"

"I'm sorry?"

"It's just..." Addison trailed off, showing an uncharacteristic amount of uncertainty. "I know you and I didn't exactly get off to a good start. And I don't expect us to be friends or anything, but...Derek and I were married for eleven years. I will always care about him. And I want him to be happy. And he's happy now; with you. I saw it...after the bomb, I saw it, how happy he is. I can't make him as happy as he deserves, but you can. So, I don't want us to avoid each other anymore. It is my responsibility to teach you, and I haven't been living up to that so far this year. So, for the rest of your internship, I'd like you to come to me if you're ever interested in a case. And I'm extending that invitation for this case."

Meredith paused, letting Addison words sink in. The speech sounded suspiciously rehearsed, like Addison had been working on it for some time. It had been two months since the bomb had gone off. "I don't want to be on this case," Meredith repeated, and continued before Addison could speak again. "But...thanks, and I will think about what you said."

"Good." Addison nodded. "I'm glad to hear it. And Meredith? Just because he has another daughter doesn't mean-"

"Two daughters," Meredith said, cutting her off. "He has two other daughters. And a wife. And a bright and shiny family. And I..." She shook her head. "He doesn't want anything to do with me."

"I'm sorry," Addison offered before she turned away to head down the hall.

Meredith nodded. "I'm sorry too," she mumbled to herself, once more overwhelmed with the frustrating array of emotions. Anger. She was definitely going to start out with anger.

000

Derek enjoyed being a surgeon. He enjoyed saving lives. He enjoyed making people's lives better. And he enjoyed the challenges inherent in working in his field. But Derek wasn't sure if he had ever had as much fun in the OR as he had that day. His favourite resident, Miranda Bailey, had demanded she act as his intern in the tumour resection of his young patient, a desperate attempt to get in on a surgery to prove to the chief that she wasn't about to put up with being mommy-tracked. He hadn't expected his young patient to be in training for the national spelling bee, but had immensely enjoyed the two hours he and his surgical team had spent throwing words at the kid. And he was now determined to find out when the national spelling bee was being aired. He had to see how well his patient did. Derek had faith in the kid; he hadn't missed a single word during the surgery.

He had already talked to his patient's overjoyed mother, and had steered her to the ICU room he would be kept in overnight once he was out of recovery. Bailey was on call that evening and would keep an eye on him, so Derek was free to go whenever he pleased. He didn't have anything else on his schedule for the day.

"Dr. Shepherd!"

He turned to catch sight of his new roommate hurrying down the hall towards him. A year ago, he would never have believed it if someone had told him he would be living across the country in a house with three other people who were almost a decade younger than him. But right now, he couldn't imagine a better way to be living his life. He knew that eventually he and Meredith would decide to move out on their own, but she had asked for him to wait until her internship was over for that conversation. And he had no problems with giving her that time. She only had three months left, and her focus needed to be on getting as much experience as she could.

"Dr. Stevens," he greeted professionally.

"Have you seen Meredith?"

He shook his head. "I just got out of surgery."

"Oh, well, you may want to find her. I think she's freaking out."

Derek furrowed his brow. "About what?"

"I have no idea. Callie and I were working together, and Meredith came in really pissed off and beat the crap put of a cast graph, which she left for me to clean up, by the way, so technically I'm mad at her about that..."

"Izzy," Derek prompted, trying to get her back on track.

"Sorry. Anyway, yeah, she was freaking out about something. And she just stormed out after. I have no idea where she went." She paused. "I'm kind of getting the idea she doesn't want to be found..."

Derek nodded. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll look for her." He said a quick goodbye and headed for his office. If Izzy couldn't find her, it meant Meredith was somewhere she couldn't look.

Once he stepped foot onto the office floor, he hurried down the hall and pushed open the door to his office, unsurprised to find it unlocked. Meredith looked up from his couch, her eyes dark and her face damp. She was sitting on the far end of the couch, her back pushed into the corner of the back and the arm rest, her knees pressed up against her chest, wrapped securely in her arms.

He sighed and shut the door behind him, leaving the light off. "Oh, Mer..." He stepped across the room and sat beside her, reaching his hand out to rest on her shoulder, his thumb rubbing along her clavicle. He tilted his head and offered her a small smile. "Okay, what did I miss?"

She allowed a slight laugh at his words. "You have no idea..."

He ran his hand up the side of her neck to cup her cheek, his fingers brushing though her hair. "You want to tell me about it? Izzy said you went one-on-one with a cast graph and the cast graph lost."

He was rewarded with a second small laugh. "Yeah..." She sighed and shifted her grip on her legs, freeing one hand to wrap around his, pulling it from her face to clutch against her chest, her fingers gripping tightly to his. "I found out why my father didn't want me."

Derek shifted closer, pressing up against her knees, waiting for her to let down her walls and let him in. He knew how sensitive a topic her family was. "Why?" He prompted quietly.

She sniffed, effectively fighting off a new batch of tears. It was no secret to either of them that she had already been crying. "He has a new family," she admitted. "Or, I guess not a_ new_ family, but newer than me. And better."

"Hey," he chastised gently. "That's not true."

"He wouldn't even invite me in off the porch," Meredith reminded him. "He was obviously trying to keep me away from them."

Derek felt his heart constrict and he squeezed her hand. "What happened today, Mer?"

She let out a frustrated scoff as two fat tears rolled down her face. "It's a stupid thing to be upset about now. It's just...why didn't I ever think about it? It makes sense... Why would he bother with the kid he had with the woman who cheated on him and moved across the country when he could have new kids with a new wife?"

"He has other kids?"

She nodded. "Two daughters; one of them is a patient. She twenty-two and she's married and seven months pregnant." She laughed. "And she's Addison's patient. George is working with her today, so I guess he recognized the name or whatever."

"Did you talk to Thatcher?"

Meredith shook her head quickly. "No. And I don't want to. But I...I talked to Molly, his...daughter. I couldn't help it. I had to at least see her, and then Addison caught me in the doorway, and she knew, so she invited me in and left me to check her vitals. And we talked..."

"Addison did that?" Derek asked, surprised.

"Yeah, she was surprisingly nice...about a lot of things, even though she should hate me."

Derek sighed. "She shouldn't hate you."

Meredith looked up, meeting his eyes. "I'd hate me, if I were her. The thought of..." She swallowed hard. "Just the thought of you with someone else..."

"Hey," he said gently, squeezing her hand and running his free hand up and down her shins, still waiting for her to open up to him. "That's not something you'll ever have to experience."

She nodded, but her dark expression betrayed the motion.

"You do know that, right?"

She averted her eyes. "I don't know."

Derek clicked his tongue, frustrated with how easily her faith in them could be kicked to the curb. "I love you; do you believe that?"

She met his eyes again and nodded, her green orbs filled with unshed tears. "But...what if that's not enough?"

He tilted his head. "I thought you and I were kind of clear that this was where we both wanted to be? You know, with the living together and the promises to never leave and the talking about the future?"

She breathed, deep and shuddery. "I know we say that, and trust me, Derek, I want to believe it more than anything, but..." She trailed off and squeezed her eyes shut. "I thought _he_ loved me," she finally admitted, her eyes still closed. "And I _knew_ he would never leave. I had all the faith in the world that my father loved me and would always be there. And I believed him when he promised to see me soon. And yet..." She trailed off again.

Derek squeezed her hand. "And yet, he left anyway," he supplied for her.

She nodded.

"Can you open your eyes?" He asked quietly. She did. He tenderly brushed away the few tears she hadn't managed to withhold. "Look," he began, meeting her eyes head on. "I have no idea how to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere other than to repeat it again and again. I love you, Meredith Grey. I love you more than I ever expected to love anyone. And I would drag you out to Vegas and marry you tomorrow if I thought it would help."

She cracked a smile at his words, and he felt his heart flutter. She was responding.

"I love you," he repeated. "And I can't make excuses for your father. He was a bastard to abandon you. And I hate what he's done to you. You shouldn't have to live in a world where you're always waiting for people to leave you. You should be able to trust that not everyone does that; that I'll never do that."

"She's twenty-two," she said quietly, gripping onto his hand, which was still clutched against her chest. "Molly, his daughter, she's twenty-two. And she told me about how her husband was getting shipped out, and she loved him so much, so she proposed to him..." She shook her head. "I'm seven years older than her, and I only started saying 'I love you' this year."

"So?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes I just feel like I won't be able to do it; that I'm not cut out to do the relationship thing. I don't have any experience. I don't have anything to base it on. I don't-"

"Hey," he cut her off. "Don't you think I'm the one who should be evaluating your ability to be in a relationship? I don't have any complaints. You're there for me. You make me feel good about myself, and us. You make me look forward to the future. You make me wake up every day with a smile on my face. You make me laugh. Mer, you make me happier than I ever was during eleven years of marriage."

She paused, contemplating his words. "How can you be so sure this is going to work?"

"Because it's already working," he responded easily. "I'm happy. And I'm usually pretty sure you're happy..."

Meredith stared at him for several moments, silently contemplating her response. Finally, she nodded slightly and released her knees from their captivity within her arm. "I am happy," she whispered as Derek didn't hesitate to pull closer to her.

He scooted into the space that had been blocked to him seconds before and wrapped his arms around her. "Good," he mumbled into her hair as she shuddered against him a few times before she regained control of her breathing.

"Thank-you," she said quietly. "Thank-you for being here for me. I...I don't think I could ever go back to life before you anymore..." She lifted her head and met his eyes, hints of a smile playing along her lips. "You've completely messed me up," she accused.

He laughed and shook his head before leaning forward for a short kiss. "Yeah, well...you've messed me up to."

She smiled. "It scares me sometimes," she admitted. "How much I feel for you...and how much I've come to depend on you. I..." she regarded him for several seconds before continuing, her voice much lower; much more vulnerable. "It would break me...if you left now. I mean, moving forward; the whole lifetime thing...that still scares the crap out of me sometimes. But the thought of living without you...that scares me more."

Derek nodded. "Me too."

She swallowed hard and her lips flattened into a thin line before she continued. "I don't like knowing that someone else has that kind of power over me. Because you have the power to...to..."

"To destroy you?" Derek offered quietly. He knew the feeling. He may not have felt quite the same about Addison, but she had almost destroyed him in one move.

Meredith met his gaze and nodded as an understanding passed between them. She acknowledged that he really did know what she was talking about; he understood what she was trying to express to him. "I love you, Derek," she said simply, "And I believe that you love me too, but..."

"But what," he prompted quietly.

She sighed. "But the people who were supposed to love me and always be there for me weren't..."

Derek tightened his grip on her and contemplated his words for a moment. "Your father was an ass for leaving," he told her. "And I know your mother wasn't exactly up for the best mom of the year award... But the thing with family, and I mean legal, blood family, is that you don't ever get to choose them. You just get who you get and sometimes they're awesome," he said, thinking of his own family back in New York. "And sometimes," he continued, offering her a small smile, "they're what you got."

She nodded sadly.

"But," he continued again, "There are two kinds of families. The family you are born with, and the family you choose for yourself later in life. And the family that you got stuck with sucked, Mer. And I'm sorry for that; that you didn't get love and support from them. But, and you just have to trust me on this, _I _love you just the way you are. _I_ am never going anywhere. _I_ want to be here for everything. And _I_ am choosing you as part of my family. So that's the difference, Mer. I have a choice, and I'm choosing you. I want you to be a part of my life. And at this point, I think only time can convince you of exactly how serious I am."

Her eyes were moist, but her expression had shifted from one of defeat and fear to one of hope.

He offered her a smile, and his heart soared when she returned it. "I know it's still early. And I know that we'll have to wait for any further steps for a bit, and I don't want to scare you, but I do want to take those steps with you one day, Mer."

"And you're okay waiting?" She asked quietly.

He nodded, pressing his lips against hers. "Trust me, Mer, you're worth the wait."

She smiled. "I...I want those things too," she said quietly. "On days where I forget to be afraid, I want everything without having to think about it."

Derek beamed. "Good; we'll just have to work on making those days happen everyday." He pulled one arm from around her to brush a few strands of dirty blonde hair out of her face before cupping her cheek and gazing into her eyes. "What can I do to convince you I'm not going anywhere?"

She lifted her hand to wrap around his fingers, pressing his palm against her face. "I guess just time," she told him, "And to keep saying all these wonderful things."

He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "I can definitely do that. And if you ever think of anything else, just tell me and it's as good as done."

"Thank-you, Derek," she whispered.

"You're worth it."

000

Meredith was almost done for the day. She had made sure to avoid Molly's room for the afternoon, and had found her spirits lifted after her talk with Derek. After she had smashed the cast graph and realized it wasn't helping, she had given up on the anger and had fallen right into the pain of knowing her father had had another family that he hadn't wanted her to be any part of.

She had gone straight to Derek's office without thinking, even though she knew he was in surgery. She had never used the key he had given her months before, but she had used it today. And after an hour of wallowing in her pity party for one, he had come in and she had moved on from pain to vulnerability.

The past few months had been amazing. She had done things she had never expected of herself. She had made progress in her relationship and she had begun to make plans for the future. Hell, the evening before she had been at a couple's games night. Her life had progressed to a point she couldn't have predicted a year before. She had very gradually been erasing past demons and misconceptions about life and had been moving forward. Derek had been there for her, and she had been there for him. Progress had been made. Steps had been taken. Plans were being enacted. She had been happy.

And one patient had threatened to bring her entire world to a crashing halt once again.

It scared her to realize so suddenly just how far she had let him in; just how much she had come to depend on him. She loved him and she needed him. It wouldn't just break her if he left now; it would kill her. Yesterday that realization would have caused her to start a bit, and probably to be uncertain for a day or two. Today, however, she had been reminded at how easily someone who was supposed to always be there could leave. And that was enough to terrify her and send her to isolate herself in Derek's office.

She wanted to trust him; she really did. But she wasn't sure how.

But he had, as usual, talked her down from the metaphorical ledge she had found herself stuck on. He had _chosen _her. Who knew how much of a choice Ellis and Thatcher Grey had had. In fact, Meredith had often wondered, since she was old enough to understand, whether she had been the result of an accidental conception. Ellis Grey had never seemed like the type to want children.

But Derek hadn't ever been stuck with her. He had chosen her. He had wanted her. And although she often questioned the why in his motives, she was beginning to believe him. And, as she had told him, on those wonderful days where she forgot to be afraid, there was no doubt in her mind that he would be there forever.

And he was giving her time to be able to believe that every day.

Meredith had finished checking her last patient for the day, and was headed back for the nurses' station to return the chart. Then she and Derek would go home together. She was so lost in thought that she didn't notice the older woman giving her a double take as they passed in the hall.

"I saw a picture once, from a long time ago," a soft voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she stopped and turned.

"You look just like her, your mother," the kind looking older woman continued, clutching onto two coffee cups. Meredith didn't have to ask to know who this woman was. She was the new Mrs. Thatcher Grey. Or really, not so new, she corrected herself. She had been with Thatcher for much longer than Ellis ever had. "You look a lot like my girls," she told her. "Especially Molly." She motioned towards the room where her daughter was being kept.

Meredith couldn't even begin to find the words to respond as she took in the features of the woman Thatcher Grey had fallen in love with, the woman he had had two daughters with.

"You were talking to her?"

"I didn't say anything about anything," Meredith said quickly, defensive.

"Oh, she knows about you. Or, she knows that her father was married before and had another daughter...has another daughter," she corrected.

Meredith paused, and her eyes flickered away from her father's wife's to catch a glimpse of Derek down the hall, waiting for her. "No, had is right," she said quietly, still defensive.

The older woman looked crestfallen. "You're father thinks about you," she admitted. "He thinks about you a lot. It's just..." she trailed off for a moment, "Your mother...she broke him."

Meredith hesitated, wanting to flee, but found her feet glued to the floor beneath her. "Yeah, well, he broke me," she said simply.

"He's sorry. He's... He thinks about you all the time," she repeated. "He never... He always meant to..." She sighed. "He really is sorry."

"And yet I find that hard to believe," Meredith snapped, the anger from earlier bubbling up inside of her once again. "Seeing as it's you here telling me he's sorry. When I showed up on your doorstep last month he didn't exactly have anything to say."

"You caught him off guard," his wife said, standing up for him. "He doesn't do well without warning. He just needs some time to adjust. But you are his daughter, and-"

Meredith cut her off. "Was. I _was_ his daughter."

"Meredith-"

"No," she cut in again, shaking her head. It was exactly as Derek had said. There are two types of families in life. And she wasn't about to choose Thatcher Grey to be in the family she was beginning to build for herself. "Was," she repeated. "And that was a long time ago." She glanced over the other woman's shoulder again at the man standing down the hall before her, waiting patiently for her. And for the first time, she didn't forget to be afraid; she chose not to be. "I have a new family now," she said with a new found sense of confidence. "Excuse me."

She stepped around the other woman and headed down the pathway towards her future.


	24. Frustrations and Conversations

_**AN: Sorry about the second huge delay in writing this fic. Still Here was only supposed to take two weeks to have posted, and instead it took over two months... Updates will be regular from now on. I also wanted to mention that originally I had mapped out the three seasons as 3months:6:3, but have realized that doesn't leave enough for the third season. So, I am making it 3:5:4 (I take issue with 2:5:5) and will make those changes soon, I just wanted to start posting first. Assume now that it's nearing the end of February.**_

_**Just a quick recap, remember that the end of the last chapter had Meredith walking away from Susan and towards Derek (both literally and symbolically). It should signify a shift in the MerDer relationship for her. She's making choices about her commitment and starting to truly see her future.**_

Derek slowed as he approached his patient's room, his two new roommates on his heels, and steeled himself for the assault he had been subjected to for three days now. The high-powered divorce attorney had come in for brain mapping, in an effort to find a surgical 'fix' for her seizure disorder, which was interfering with her career. However, it had been three long days filled with snarky comments, offhand remarks and glares...and not one seizure.

He took a breath, determined to get his check over with as quickly and painless as possible, and entered the room, a fake smile plastered to his face. "Good morning, Miss Graver."

Decked out in a black SmartCap with red leads, briefcase and laptop strewn in front of her, his patient glanced up at him. "Oh really, good morning? You haven't let me sleep in three nights and this ridiculous hat is destroying my self-esteem and I still haven't had a seizure..."

Derek turned his back to the patient, his eyes sweeping over the EEG waves in the monitor before him for far longer than necessary in an attempt to avoid further confrontation. He sighed when she kept on talking.

"...But, sure, we'll go with 'good morning' if it makes you feel better about yourself."

Derek ignored her statements and glanced at his interns. Izzy was unsuccessfully trying to bite back a smile and George looked taken aback. "Miss Graver is here for brain mapping, _doctor Stevens_," he prompted.

Izzy jumped in immediately, expertly explaining the purpose of the SmartCap and Miss Graver's reason for being kept in the hospital.

"Excellent," Derek replied absently, his attention still on the monitor as opposed to his patient. He was almost disheartened that everything was normal. Every EEG wave from ever electrode was well within normal range, short spiky beta waves appearing across the screen on ever line.

"Excellent, except for the fact that it's not working," Miss Graver cut in. "And I'm loosing billable hours." She paused. "Unless any of you are looking to get out of a bad marriage? Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes?" He finally turned to face her, only to realize his mistake. "No," he corrected.

"Are you sure."

He pasted another fake smile to his face and nodded. "I've already done that."

She clicked her tongue. "Dr. Shepherd, I'm hurt that I'm finding this out now. Who'd you use? I could have gotten you more."

He bit back a smirk. "I wasn't looking for anything, just to get out."

"Seriously, tell me, who'd you use?"

Derek shook his head. "I'm sorry, Miss Graver, but we're not here to discuss me."

"Fine; but promise to call me the next time."

He almost laughed at her tenacity. "There won't be a next time."

"Everyone thinks that," she countered.

"Yes, but I _know_ it."

"Good luck to you, then. Just keep my name in mind." She turned to Izzy and George. "What about you two? Either of you need a good divorce attorney?"

They both shook their heads and Derek quickly ushered them out of the room. He stopped when they were around the corner, out of view, and breathed a sigh of relief at having got that conversation over with for the day. He could only hope the woman would seize soon. "Okay, guys," he said, turning to his interns. "I need you to make her seize."

"Make her seize? How do we make someone seize?" Izzy questioned.

"Do your research, get creative."

"But...if all the normal methods have failed, what are we supposed to do?" George asked gently.

"Use a strobe light. Get her drunk. Hang her from the ceiling upside-down and hit her with a whiffle-ball bat for all I care." He knew he was being irrational. And the looks on his roommate's faced told him they completely agreed. But Derek just needed to get this particular patient out of his mornings. He was a morning person. He enjoyed getting up and greeting his days, especially now that each day began with waking up next to a particular dirty-blond intern. Derek liked looking forward to his day. He did not enjoy waking up with the knowledge that he would have to face this woman. It was ruining his mornings.

"Just make her seize," he repeated, somewhat calmer. "Because if she doesn't seize, I don't know where to operate, and if I don't know where to operate, I can't get this woman out of my life. And this woman is not how I like to start my mornings." He nodded and abruptly left them in the hall to their task for the day.

000

Derek was in a mood. He was irritable, short-tempered and not his usual friendly self. And he knew it. His annoying non-seizing epileptic patient was grating his nerves, but she wasn't the problem. He could handle patients far worse than her without blinking an eye when he needed. But the last few days had tried his patience.

Three days ago, he and Meredith had had off together. He had been called in for an emergency before noon, only to have his very injured accident victim code after nearly five hours on the table. Two days ago, he had lost a patient during a tumour resection. True, the procedure had been difficult, and the patient had known he had low odds going in, but Derek had been optimistic. The previous day he had been called to the pit four times. Three had been no where near surgical. The fourth had arrested before he could get the patient out of the exam room.

Meredith was working a thirty hour shift, and Derek hadn't seen her since the previous morning; hadn't even passed her in the hall. The hospital was busier than usual, keeping the doctors and nurses on their toes. And Richard had, apparently, doubled his efforts to disapprove of Derek's relationship. He could still feel his blood boil at the conversation that had taken place the previous day.

_Derek swore to himself as he stepped off the elevator and stepped out onto the surgical floor. The man who hadn't been wearing a seatbelt and had driven his car head on into a truck wouldn't have had much of a chance in surgery, but Derek hadn't even gotten the opportunity to try and fix any of the damage. _

_He strode towards the nurses' station. "Can I have Miss Graver's chart, please?"_

_The kindly, older nurse offered him a gentle smile. "Of course, Doctor Shepherd." She turned and rifled through the organized stack before turning back to him. "Here you go."_

_"Thanks," Derek muttered, forcing himself to be polite, ever though all he wanted to do was yell and punch the desk. It wasn't anyone's fault that his patient had died, especially not the kind nurse before him. He flipped open the chart and expertly swept his eyes over the notes from the latest check. "Damn it," he swore again. She still hadn't seized. _

_"We'll be sure and page you when she does, Doctor Shepherd."_

_He shifted his eyes towards the nurse. They had been instructed to page him in the event of a seizure. He nodded. "I know. I just hoped..." He sighed heavily. "I just hoped I had missed the page or something. I just lost a patient...another patient. And I just needed some good news, something..." _Something I can fix.

_She smiled reassuringly and swept her hand through her greying hair before responding. "It's tough some times," she spoke softly, with the tone of someone who really did know what she was talking about. "I've been working in this field for over thirty years, and it always hurts to lose a patient. You just need to think of the ones you save, and remember that the bad times are part of the job. It will get better again."_

_Derek let out a breath and nodded, thankful for the reminder. He was still getting used to working in a hospital and dealing with so much unknown after several years in private practice. Sure, he had still lost patients, but his patients had been comprised mostly of long-suffering individuals with histories and scans and labs. He hadn't had to deal with the victims coming out of ambulances and needing his skilful hands so immediately. It was a job he loved...on the good days._

_"I...you're absolutely right..." He glanced at her name tag, "Louise. Thanks for the reminder." He smirked. "And if you could remind me again when I need it, that would be great."_

_Louise smiled back. "You're very welcome, doctor Shepherd, I'll be sure to do so."_

_"Thanks." He handed her back the chart and turned to head for his office, only to be intercepted coming off the elevator. _

_"Derek!" Richard called as Derek stepped foot onto the office floor. "I was just looking for you, but you weren't in your office."_

_He nodded. "I was in the pit."_

_"Anything surgical?"_

_"Would have been if he hadn't haemorrhaged and crashed before I could get him to an OR."_

_Richard shook his head. "I'm sorry."_

_Derek shrugged. "Me too, but it's part of the job, right?"_

_"Yes, it is."_

_"So, what did you need?"_

_"Ah, right..." He handed Derek a small file. "I have a patient coming in next Monday, and I'm going to need a consult. He's got a large tumour invading his lower spine."_

_Derek furrowed his brow. It was Friday now, and assuming Richard meant ten days from then... "I'm sorry, Chief, but I'm off next Monday."_

_"Oh, I didn't realize. I haven't checked the schedule yet. It's still over a week away, though, I'm sure you can rearrange and be off another day."_

_Derek fought the urge to roll his eyes. _Yes, Chief, I'll just rearrange my life around your schedule. _Instead he shook his head. "No can do, I'll out of the state, not back until Tuesday evening. I can come and consult Wednesday morning," he offered._

_"I'd really like the get this done as quickly as possible."_

_"Why don't you have the patient come in this week? I'm working until Friday."_

_"I have a busy schedule, and I've already made the appointment."_

_"Well, I don't know what you want me to say, Richard. I booked the time off a month ago. Everything was fine then, and I expect that time off to be honoured. I've already booked flights."_

_"Where are you going, again?"_

_"New York. I'm taking Mer home to meet my family."_

_Richard's expression shifted, his eyes hardening and his lips setting into a thin line. "Don't you think it's a little soon for that?"_

_"It's been eight months and..." Derek trailed off as he realized the turn their talk had taken. "And I don't have to explain my personal choices to you."_

_"You do if she's an intern in my hospital."_

_"I absolutely do not. It's not written anywhere that our relationship is against protocol. I love her and I'm taking her to meet my family. We're professional at work, and we both booked time off for this. And you and I both know that we wouldn't be having this discussion if I were Burke."_

_"It's not the same."_

_Derek felt his anger from earlier bubble up inside. He had to fight to keep his voice down. "How can you say that? He's and attending, I'm an attending. In fact, we're both department heads. Yang's and intern, Mer's an intern. We're both professional at work. Hell, Mer and I are more professional. It's no secret to anyone that Yang scrubs in with Burke more than anyone else-"_

_"This isn't about them, Derek."_

_"Then what is it about exactly? What is it you have against my relationship?"_

_"How about the fact that you kept it quiet for so long? I had to find out by catching the two of you together."_

_"You make it sound like you caught us... You saw us talking in the hall. She had just told me about her mother." Something changed in Richard's expression and Derek latched onto it. "Is that it? Is it that she's Ellis Grey's daughter? Because that has nothing to do with how I feel about her. As I said, it took her months to tell me about Ellis' illness."_

_"It's not about Ellis," Richard snapped. "You still kept a secret from me. Preston had the decency to come to me; that's how much he values his relationship."_

_Derek fumed. Richard was lashing out at him for the most ridiculous reasons. "I would have come to you eventually," he countered. "Mer and I were taking our time. We hadn't made anything official yet. Burke went to you after having a relationship for almost as long as me, which, by the way, he began _after _knowing Yang was an intern, while Mer and I met before either of us started working here. And, he went to you after having gotten his intern pregnant IN the hospital. Mer and I have never even..." Derek trailed off as he felt his voice climbing. He was saying too much and he needed to stop before he began yelling._

_Richard blinked several times. Maybe the older man hadn't ever stopped to think about the father of the ectopic fetus that had burst Cristina Yang's fallopian tube so many months before. Derek breathed deeply, and continued in a calmer voice. "Do not, ever, presume to tell me that I don't value my relationship," he stated harshly. "I love that woman more than anything. We have a real relationship. I'm sorry that we're looked down on at times, but I assure you that we are professional at work and in this hospital, and only carry out our relationship on our own time. I love her," he repeated, "And I plan to spend the rest of my life with her if she'll let me. So, you better learn to just accept us, cause we're not going anywhere. And you need to get off this disapproving...thing, or at least be fair about it and treat Burke the same as me, because this is starting to get old."_

_His old mentor regarded him for several moments before giving him a curt nod. "Fine. Have a look at the file; I'll be expecting a consult first thing Wednesday morning."_

Derek sighed as he sifted through the file Richard had given him the previous day. At the very least the tumour had only infiltrated the spine in one place, and the scans looked promising. The patient had a very good chance of coming out of the surgery without any paralysis. It would be a straight-forward procedure. He just wasn't looking forward to working with Richard.

There was some other reason he was disapproving of Derek's relationship. The first few months Derek had been in Seattle, before news of his relationship had reached the Chief, Richard had treated him just like he treated Burke; so Derek knew it wasn't that his opinion of _him_ had changed. It was his relationship that had changed the way Richard looked at him. And yes, it was disheartening to have his old mentor be so unsupportive of something so important, but Derek valued his relationship far above it. He just wanted to know why it was a problem, and Burke and Yang were not.

Derek shut the folder, banging his hand down on his desk harder than necessary. He was grumpy and irritable and confused, and he just wanted the day to be over. There was nothing on the board for him today, so he busied himself with paperwork until there was a light knock at his door.

"Come in," he called, off handed, wondering fleetingly if Richard had decided to come back for round two. No, he thought bitterly to himself, Richard would page him to his office for that, to get the upper hand. Derek scoffed quietly, knowing he was being unreasonable, but unable to stop the thoughts.

The door opened and he knew who it was without looking up. A calm washed over him, keeping his dour mood at bay. He looked up from his chart and smiled. "Hey."

"Hey," she responded, her voice deep and scratchy. Clearly she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. She returned his smile and set a small pile of covered plates down on the corner of his desk.

He wasted no time in standing and taking her into his arms. Her breathing hitched in surprised and there was a delay before she returned the gesture, her small hands drifting around his middle. Eventually she sighed against him, her head resting against his shoulder. Derek buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too," she mumbled against him.

"I missed you last night." Normally on nights where she was at the hospital and he was not, Derek would lie awake for a while, before rolling to her side of the bed and clutching her pillow in his arms. And then he would sleep. But the previous night he had tossed and turned for hours. "Did you get any sleep?"

She groaned and shook her head against him. "Not even a wink. Seriously, I lay down once and got paged as soon as I closed my eyes. And that was it. I was so freaking busy all night."

"I'm sorry." He reluctantly pulled his arms away and pressed his lips against her forehead.

Meredith offered him a tired smile and tilted her head. "What about you? You look stressed?"

He emitted a wry laugh and shook his head. "I'm in a horrible mood," he admitted. "But it's better now that I get to see you."

Her smile grew at his words, the corners of her lips twitching upwards toward her tired eyes. "I'm glad I can help with that. I even brought food... I wasn't sure if you would have gotten anything yet or not."

Derek glanced at his wall clock and was surprised to see it was a little after twelve. "No, I didn't even realize the time, so food is very welcome."

"Good." She plunked herself down into the chair opposite his desk, and he followed suit, collapsing into his computer chair, across from her. "What's got you in a bad mood?" She questioned as she passed him the plate holding the salad and a plastic fork.

He nodded his thanks and bit back a smirk when she placed a plate of fries near the center of the desk, knowing to expect his wandering fingers. "I'm just having a horrible couple of days. I lost another patient yesterday."

Meredith nodded sadly. "Yeah, I heard about that, I'm sorry."

"Yeah..." He sighed. "And then my surgery got cancelled this morning. And I had an argument with Richard yesterday. And, most importantly, I haven't seen you since yesterday morning."

She smiled at his last statement, and he could detect a bit more colour in her cheeks. "What did you and the Chief argue about?"

"He asked me to consult on a patient next Monday, and when I reminded him I had off, and why, it turned into a discussion on our relationship."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Is there...a problem?"

His heart constricted at the vulnerability in her tone. She had been much more confident in him, and _them_, since her father had shown up in the hospital and she and Derek had talked about families. This took him by surprise. "Of course there isn't a problem," he snapped. "Richard's just being an ass."

She flinched at his harsh words and averted her eyes, turning instead to her sandwich.

Derek sighed and mentally berated himself. He hadn't meant to sound so harsh and had to remind himself that it wasn't right to take his mood out on the one person who was making it any better. And she was too tired to fight back for herself. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm just...so frustrated with that man."

"It's fine," she stated, her voice flat as she glanced at him and then back down.

"No, it's not. That wasn't fair." He took a breath. She was already nervous enough about the next weekend; she didn't need anything to add to her stress. "The only problem is that Richard disapproves of my choices, but not of Burke's and I'm getting fed up with the double standard."

This time when her eyes flickered up from her meal, they remained trained on his. "What did he say?"

"I kind of demanded he explain why he's acting this way and he gave me some bullshit explanation that Burke values his relationship more because he went to Richard and told him and I didn't."

She nodded slowly as she took in the explanation. "Well, I guess the way he sees it..."

"But that's exactly the problem. He doesn't look at it any other way. After I operated on him, he picked Burke to be interim Chief to punish me for our relationship because he had seen us talking in the hall. Meanwhile, Burke was involved in exactly the same type of relationship, probably with Cristina in an on-call room during Richard's surgery even. And I get that at the time he didn't see it, but he refuses to see it in retrospect. Seriously, what if he had walked in on them in an on-call room? Would I have been the favourite then?" Derek shook his head. "I didn't get involved with you _after_ I knew you were an intern. And I didn't, and still don't, carry out our relationship in on-call rooms. And I didn't...get you pregnant in the first, what, month or two on your internship. Seriously! What do I have to do to at least be seen as equal with the man who did all of that?"

Meredith unsuccessfully tried to bite back a smile. "You really just need to rant, don't you?"

Derek felt his anger deflate at her words and he laughed, long and loud, until tears pooled behind his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did." He exhaled and shook his head. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

She shrugged. "It's okay. I get bitchy some times too."

He grumbled. "I wouldn't call it _bitchy_."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, moody, whatever."

He chortled. "I just want to know what makes me so different from Burke. I thought I touched on something with your mother, but-"

"What about my mother?"

"Oh, I just explained that when he saw us in the hall that you had just told me about your mother and he..." Derek trailed off.

"He what?"

"I'm not sure how to explain it. He just...sort of... His expression changed. And I thought maybe he thought I was with you because of who your mother was."

Her brow furrowed. "What would that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, and in retrospect, it was stupid, but I assured him anyway. It's obviously something else, he just looked...strange."

She shrugged. "Maybe that's disapproval for my side, that I'm marring her reputation or something. They did used to work together."

"Yeah, but he doesn't do the disapproving thing with you."

"No, I guess you're right."

Derek took a bite of his salad and hesitated briefly. "I, uh... Is it common knowledge that Burke was the father – would have been the father – of Cristina's baby?"

Meredith pursed her lips for a moment. "I assume so. I guess people would have figured it out in retrospect."

"Good; because I may have used that in my argument with him yesterday."

"May have?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, definitely did. He looked taken aback, like he hadn't known."

She shrugged. "Well, it's like you said about the retrospect thing. It's not like he couldn't have figured it out."

"Can you imagine if it was us, then I really would have been in the dog house..." He trailed off as he realized what he had said, and how nonchalant and lightly he had said it. Inwardly, he cursed himself for being so tactless. He was tired and 'moody' and was lagging behind on the whole thinking-before-speaking thing.

Meredith had frozen mid chew on a bite of her sandwich, her lower jaw just crooked to one side. She met his eyes, but hers wobbled ever so slightly.

"I, uh...sorry," he said again. "I'm guessing I can't just take that back?"

She swallowed hard and opened her mouth, but no words came out and she closed it again.

Derek sighed. "I wasn't trying to... I was just... I didn't think. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," she finally spoke. "I just... I never even..." She shook her head. "I can't even imagine if that had been us. It would have been..."

"Horrible and awkward?" Derek supplied. "Not only would you have been the intern sleeping with a married attending, but you would have been an intern who got pregnant by her married attending," he said lightly.

She cracked a smile and he knew he had made the right choice in trying to lighten the mood. "Yeah, that would have sucked."

He laughed and reached for her hand across the desk. "We still would have gotten through it," he said confidently.

"You think?" She took his hand.

He nodded. "I know."

She hesitated.

"What?"

"It's just...Cristina was going to...even if the tube hadn't burst, she wasn't going to..."

"Oh," Derek stammered as realization washed over him. "I didn't realize."

She nodded. "Yeah, and don't tell anyone. I think I'm the only one who knows. She told me because she needed a contact person for...after. And...you and I weren't exactly talking when she told me..."

He squeezed her hand to reassure her that it didn't matter that he hadn't known. "Was Burke...supportive?" He asked carefully.

She sighed. "He didn't know. She didn't tell him, and then when I had her close to telling him, he...broke up with her. And after a week or two, her tube burst and it didn't matter anymore."

"Was he angry?"

"I...don't know. I don't think so. I hope not; Cristina didn't deserve it if he was."

There was something in her tone that rubbed him the wrong way. "Would you have told me?" He had already brought up the topic once, he may as well follow through on what he was thinking now.

Her sharp intake on breath left him on edge. "I...don't know," she admitted, her eyes once again falling away from his. "We were...and then...I..." She sighed. "She told me at Joe's, right after Addison showed up. And I don't know if I could have told you after I found out you were married. Although you would have found out eventually, I guess. And even if I had told you, and everything else worked out the same as it did this way I..."

"You what?" He prompted gently, squeezing her hand and willing her eyes back to his.

She continued to look away. "I don't think I would have been able to trust that you left Addison because you wanted to."

"I don't understand."

Her eyes reluctantly flicked back to his. They both knew they understood each other better this way. So much was said through their looks. "I just... You're a good guy, and I know you'd do the _right_ thing, Derek. So, if I told you that I was pregnant and you left your wife and everything, I... I think I would always have wondered what you really wanted."

"But I chose _you_."

"I know that. But if things had been different at the beginning..."

He nodded as understanding washed over him. "You're doing the hindsight thing."

She cracked a smile. "The hindsight looking into a different foresight thing."

He laughed. "Whatever." He paused. "You said I would have found out eventually, even if you hadn't told me?"

She nodded. "Well, assuming a normal pregnancy where my tube didn't burst, then obviously you would have figured it out eventually. You _are_ a doctor, even if you can be a bit dense sometimes..."

"I am not dense..." He trailed off as he realized what she was really saying to him, and the humour disappeared from his tone. "You...are you saying that you wouldn't have...gotten rid of it?"

Her forehead creased and her eyes left his again. "I don't think I would be able to...get rid of..." She shook her head. "I know the medicine, and I know that early it's not...but I just don't think I would ever be able to go through with it, you know?" Her eyes hesitantly returned to his.

He nodded. "I get it," he said quickly. "And..." He trailed off and sighed, knowing this was hardly the time or place for the conversation they were having, but he needed to plough through anyway. "Just know that if this is ever an issue between us that I will support your choice, whatever it is, and that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what. If you ever get...pregnant, then I'm taking full responsibility. And I will be right beside you for the whole thing."

Her eyes flickered briefly, but stayed on his. "Okay."

He smiled. "Okay."

Her lips curled upwards as she returned his gesture. "Okay," she repeated.

He laughed. "Good."

"Good," she echoed and they went back to eating their lunch, remaining in comfortable silence for several moments. "Derek?"

"Mmm-hmm?" He looked up.

"One of the other things you said when you were ranting...about how we didn't start this after you knew I was an intern?"

"What about it?"

"I just...what if I had told you at the bar?"

Derek smirked. "It wouldn't have made a different to me."

"Really?"

He nodded. "I was hooked the moment I saw you. I doubt there was anything you could have said to make me change my mind."

She smiled in full and her tired eyes sparkled. "So, really, you and Burke could have been on equal footing with that..."

"Yeah, but the Chief doesn't need to know that..."

_**AN: This was running long, so the aftermath of this convo, in Mer's POV, will be the next chapter. Lok for it in a couple days. I just want to thank everyone who is still reading after such a delay. I hope the interest is still there. I never meant to leave it, but I'm so in love with the relationship they are building in this universe that I didn't want to give it only half my time. Now I can focus on it fully and give them the development they deserve.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	25. Being Sure

_**AN: I had a few comments that mentioned the time frame and the whole Richard/Ellis thing, so I thought I'd address both here to make sure everyone is on the same wave length. We are nearing the end of season two. And Meredith hasn't yet figured it out that it was Richard who had the affair with her mother. She's not keeping it from Derek, she just doesn't know yet. Hope this helps!**_

Meredith's mind was full when she made her way back down to the cardiac floor to meet her resident in Denny Duquette's room. It had been an interesting morning, dodging Bailey's comments and trying to discreetly make light of Izzy's tendency to 'drop by' the room at every opportunity. She had laughed it off when, weeks ago, Alex had told her that Izzy had ditched him for a heart patient.

Now she wasn't so sure.

It had been a busy few weeks for Meredith. She had been spending all her spare time with Derek; getting used to their new living arrangements, planning a weekend trip to New York and freaking out about spending said weekend in New York. Needless to say, she hadn't given a thought to going to her roommate to confirm Alex's accusations. But there was obviously something more going on between Izzy and Denny than regular patient-doctor interactions

Now she would have to keep covering for Izzy with their resident, keep freaking out about the following weekend, and mull over her lunch-time conversation with Derek. She hadn't expected to find him grumpy and irritable when she had ordered lunch and headed for his office. And she certainly hadn't expected their conversation to delve as deep as it had after finding him in such a mood. He was normally such a bright and cheerful person, and they rarely, if ever, talked like they had today.

They talked regularly, and about a lot of things. She had told him much about her life as the daughter of Ellis Grey. He had told her about losing his father as a child. She had told him about the loneliness of being an only child. He had told her about the 'joys' of having four sisters. They had discussed college and med-school and their reasons for becoming surgeons. He had told her about Addison. She had told him about the voice in her head that had kept her from making any commitments before. They told each other about their days. And they talked lightly about their future together.

They exchanged 'I love yous' daily.

But the only 'what if' they had ever discussed before today regarded what their lives would be like had Derek made the wrong decision, leaving him with Addison, and Meredith alone. And it had been months since that had come up between them. Thanksgiving was the last time Meredith could distinctly remember mulling over the idea. Derek had convinced her he was happy, and she had let it go.

The other 'what ifs,' however, had never breached their conversations, or Meredith's thoughts. They didn't discuss how their relationship would have progressed had they known that first night they would be working together. And they had certainly never talked about pregnancy and children; past, current or future.

Meredith had accepted that Derek was planning on sticking around. She had accepted that they would eventually move out of her mother's house and into one of their own. She had accepted that he was the kind of man who wanted a marriage; he wanted the official commitment and the wedding rings and the titles. And Meredith was okay with that; in fact, she was more than okay with that. She was looking forward to it...eventually. One day they would get married. She wasn't ready now, but she would be one day. And he was willing to wait. He loved her; she had accepted that. He would be her family; she had accepted that. His family would be her family; she had mostly accepted that. He promised her that she would be better able to accept that after the following weekend.

One day, she and Derek would be family and they would build a life together; she had accepted that.

Or, at least, she thought she had.

As an idea, everything was fine. In small, eventual steps, everything was fine. She was fine with the idea of moving out together, the idea of getting married one day, the idea of flying across the country to meet his family the following weekend. But the idea of kids... That made it real. That was a huge jump.

Suddenly all of the steps she had taken in the past eight months came rushing back to her. And suddenly they all seemed so big. She had never been one to make any of these steps before, and suddenly, here she was; in less than a year she had found _the_ man and basically promised her life to him.

Meredith swallowed hard as she slowed her pace, her mind working in overload, despite her exhaustion. She hadn't slept in over thirty hours and her legs were beginning to feel like dead-weights, but her brain had no problem in having her thoughts running in circles at top speed.

_Could eight months be long enough to know this was the man she would spend the rest of her life with? Hell, was two months enough; because that was when she had known? Could she really do this? Could she really have the normal, happy life that all of the other girls in school had dreamed of? Could she be happy? Could she keep him happy? Could she really handle all of the things that came with a 'real' relationship? Could she handle his family? Would he expect her to give up hers? Could she handle being a wife one day? Could she handle living with only him? Could she handle one day having kids? Could she be a good mother after all the damage Ellis had inflicted on her? Could she-_

"Grey!"

Meredith snapped her attention across the hall to find her resident regarding her with narrowed eyes. She flinched as she realized she had been caught standing outside Denny's room, staring into space. That must make her look wonderfully competent, she thought with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey. I was distracted...thinking...but I'm done now."

Bailey's lip twitched ever so subtly. "You're done thinking?"

Meredith sucked in a harsh breath and bit back a nervous laugh. "No. No, sorry, that's not what I meant. I'm done being distracted. I promise." She met her resident's eyes evenly and held her breath, waiting to be sent to the pit or to do scut.

"Okay," the older woman said simply after several seconds. "Just make sure it doesn't happen again."

"I..uh, okay," Meredith stammered, taken aback. If she wasn't to be sent away, she had at least expected a lecture. Bailey always lectured. She counted her blessings and followed her resident into the patient room, ready to switch Denny Duquette over to a portable L-VAD.

000

Hours later, after the new L-VAD was successfully in place and her resident had left in search of the Chief, Meredith finally found herself alone with her roommate's...something. Before today, she hadn't interacted with the older man other than during rounds. He was a friendly, charming man, and she could understand exactly why Izzy was attracted to him, regardless of how deep that attraction was seated.

She turned her attention to Denny, smiling warmly at his joy over his new found ability to leave his bed and his insistence that she thank Dr. Bailey again for him. He really was a wonderful man who didn't deserve what life was throwing him. With a sigh, Meredith steered the subject away from medicine.

"You want to talk about Izzy," he stated.

"Yeah..." Meredith responded, keeping her voice even and light. "It's just...there are strict rules about dating patients."

He nodded. "Do you think, if I went to Izzy and told her that, that this is bad for her career, that she would do anything to change?"

Meredith felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He definitely knew her roommate well. "No."

Again, he nodded. "Look, I was healthy until I wasn't. And in the past few years, I've had a lot of time to think about my life, and you know what? The things I remember the best are the things that I shouldn't have been doing in the first place."

Meredith allowed herself to smile in full. "I can attest to that."

He returned her smile and paused before continuing, and a sense of understanding passed between them. "I never expected to meet someone like her, here of all places," he finally admitted. "And I know it's not good for her career, and if I thought I could live without her and that I could get her to walk away, I would do that for her."

"But you can't."

"Exactly."

She nodded. "Yeah...I can attest to that, too."

"So I've heard."

"Oh," Meredith stammered. "Izzy told you about...?"

"Yeah, she's told me a lot."

"I didn't expect to meet someone like him either."

"And you can't live without him or get him to walk away."

"That's pretty much it."

"So, you understand what I'm doing with Izzy?"

"Yeah, I guess I do. I..." She trailed off in hesitation.

"What?"

"It's just...you seem so sure."

"I am."

"How? I mean, not to be rude or anything, but after only knowing her for a little while, how can you be so certain?" He was very certain, but he was also confident, charming and light hearted, just like Derek. Maybe he could shed some light on her own situation.

He pursed his lips thoughtfully, understanding that she wasn't questioning his motives, only looking for a personal answer. "I just am," he finally told her. "Some things in life shouldn't be questioned. Sometimes you just know in your heart that something is right."

"Thanks."

"Not a problem."

Meredith stood. "I really should get going. For the record, I'm on your side, you and Izzy, but just keep in mind that Dr. Bailey is very critical of these things, so if I were you, I'd be careful of what I say in front of her."

"Duly noted, thanks."

000

There was movement and noise around her, pulling her from her deep sleep. She fought to stay in the comforting recess of sleep, but something was moving underneath her. "Mmnnnhhh," she mumbled into her pillow.

"It's just me," came Derek's familiar voice, soft and loving, as something light came down over top of her. "Go back to sleep." His voice was still soft, but closer this time. She felt his breath against her face before his lips found her cheek. Warmth washed over her and she sighed in contentment, not even having realized she had been cold before.

Sleep was just pulling her back down when the mattress dipped behind her. Derek shuffled closer and wrapped his arm over her waist. She gripped loosely at his fingers and pushed her back into his chest.

"I love you," he whispered into the darkness between them.

"Mmm, you too," she said back. Sleep wasn't pulling as strongly any more. She vaguely wondered how late it was. When her marathon shift had finally ended, he had been in an emergency surgery, so she had ridden home with Izzy. She hadn't talked to him since their lunch together. It had still been light out when she had collapsed onto her bed, but a glance towards the window told her it was dark now.

After a few moments of consolidating her strength, Meredith turned in his arms. By his shallow breathing, she knew he was still awake. She blinked groggily three times before his tired face came into view, slightly distorted by the darkness and shadows.

He offered her a gentle smile. "Sorry I woke you. It was so cold in here, and you were asleep on top of the blankets. I thought I could get you under them without waking you."

Meredith smiled back. "'s okay. If you hadn't woken me, I wouldn't be able to do this until morning." She pulled closer and pressed her lips against his.

He was smiling brightly when she pulled back. "Good point."

She giggled. "How's your patient."

"Good. Stable. I finally saved one."

"Good for you. Do you feel better now?"

He nodded against his pillow. "I do. And I'm sorry again for snapping at you."

"I wasn't trying to-"

"I know," he cut her off. "I just wanted to say it again."

"Okay. And it's okay. I'm sure it'll happen a lot, from both of us."

He nodded again. "It's part of the deal."

"Hmm," she murmured thoughtfully, her thoughts drifting back to earlier that day. "Derek, do you ever think we're moving too fast?"

His arm tightened around her. "Do you think we are?"

She smirked. "I asked you first."

"No, not really," he relented. "Things feel good, and not rushed. You?"

"I didn't...until today. And...I don't really know what happened, but suddenly instead of seeing each step, all I can see is I met you eight months ago and we're already planning a life together." Meredith spoke quietly and was grateful for the darkness, as she could avoid his knowing gaze.

"A lot's happened in the last eight months, more than a normal eight months."

"That is true," she said with a wry laugh.

He sighed. "Does it scare you?"

"A little," she admitted.

"Are you uncomfortable with where we are?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Really," she said honestly.

"So," he continued lightly. "You like where we are, but are scared by how we got here?"

Meredith grumbled. "I never said I was being rational. I was awake for two days."

Derek laughed. "For the record, I like where we are too. And I don't know what to say to make the fear go away."

She sighed heavily. "I guess I'm just doing the 'Meredith thing' and freaking out for no reason. It just...kind of startled me, you know?"

"I think so. Thanks for telling me. I want to know things, even if they're irrational and induced by lack of sleep."

Meredith giggled at his playful tone and swatted at his chest. "Well, thanks for being here to listen."

He pulled close to kiss her. "I'll always be here to listen."

"Good." She turned back over in his arms and pressed her back snug against his chest.

His arm tightened around her and he was so close to her that she could feel every exhalation against the back of her neck.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?" His voice was groggy.

"How are you so sure about us?"

"I just am."

"But how do you know?"

He paused for a long moment and she began to think he had fallen asleep. She laced her fingers through his and closed her eyes.

"I just know," he whispered into her hair, causing her eyes to spring open in surprise. "I can't explain it, but I can feel it in my heart. This is right."

"Thanks." She closed her eyes again and spent several moments being lulled by his even breaths. "Derek?" She spoke again.

"Mmm?"

"Me too."

His grip tightened around her, the only indication that he had processed what she had said, and his body relaxed against her as he drifted off to sleep. She smiled and let herself join him.

_**AN: Sorry for the delay. I had second thoughts about some plots I was setting up, and had to make some changes to this chapter. Keep in mind that Meredith is still Meredith. This is, and will always be, a happy MerDer storyline, but being with Derek doesn't magically fix everything for Meredith. She still has some issues to work through and she's still allowed to be apprehensive. **_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	26. Season 2 finale part 1

_**AN: Here's the beginning of the season two finale. Keep in mind that Richard would not have told Derek about his affair with Ellis during their perspective talk. Seeing as Derek is with Meredith in this story line, I sincerely doubt he would have admitted that.**_

Derek collapsed heavily into a free desk chair at the nurses' station, silently thanking anyone who was out there listening that Burke had been able to move his fingers. He had been unable to gain perspective before going into surgery, had been unable to properly distance himself. All he could do was empathize with the injured surgeon, all the while wondering what he would have done in the same situation.

Would he have had the surgery?

So much of who Derek was revolved around what he did for a living. He was a surgeon; a very good surgeon. He saved lives. He made a difference. He needed his hands.

Preston Burke was an arrogant man with a God-complex, who hogged the ORs, but he too made a difference. He too needed his hands.

And if Derek had operated and failed...

He sighed and buried his face in his hands, reminding himself again and again that the surgery had been successful. He had removed the aneurism and Burke still had hand function. As long as Burke stuck to a solid physiotherapy program and any problems were detected quickly, he should regain full function. He would be able to operate again. Derek had been successful.

But the expression on his co-workers face in the OR haunted him. His eyes had been glazed from the anaesthesia, but nothing could mask the defeated, terrified look. His mind may have been sluggish and his memory foggy, but he had known. He had known what was going on. He had known the surgery was not going as well as could have been hoped. He had known there was a good chance he would never operate again.

Burke had been lying, vulnerable, on the table, surrounded by co-workers, with the knowledge that he may be about to lose a huge part of himself, that his life and job and everything he had worked so hard for could disappear, right in front of all of the people who respected him for what he did. All the while his girlfriend cowered in the corner, unable to look at him.

Whether Burke had been aware of Cristina's presence, Derek didn't know. He couldn't imagine being in the same situation, couldn't imagine having no control over whether he would ever operate again. And he could only hope that if he ever were, Meredith wouldn't cower in the corner. He hoped that she would be right beside him, holding his good hand and meeting his eyes. He would need her right beside him, holding his hand. He needed her.

She had promised him that she was strong enough to be there if something was ever to happen to him. She had promised that she wouldn't walk away. At the time, when everything was good between them and there were no potential problems like this weighing heavily on his mind, Derek had accepted her promise and been glad. Now, however, he was grateful. Just the thought of losing her from something he couldn't control... Well, that scared him more than the thing he couldn't control.

With a heavy sigh, Derek lifted his head. He needed to go and check Burke in recovery. He wanted to be there when the other man woke up. But first, he really needed to find Meredith. She would be able to calm his anxious mind; even if she didn't know what to say, she would hug him or smile or squeeze his hand, and that would make everything better.

As if she had heard his thoughts, he felt her eyes on him. He looked up and turned to the right, immediately meeting her tired green eyes across the hall. Relief coursed over him at the realization that he would not have to go and find her; that she was not in surgery or with a patient or somewhere else he could not get to her. She was right in front of him. Then he furrowed his brow as he realized she and George were sitting together on the floor, and she had not made a move to get up and approach him.

Pushing himself out of the chair, Derek wandered across the hall to her. Her eyes tracked him the entire time. "Hey," he said softly, and nodded a greeting to George.

"Hey," she replied immediately, but her voice was low and stilted.

"Hi, Dr. Shepherd," George answered as well, his tone similar to Meredith's.

"Do you have a minute?" He met Meredith's gaze and motioned towards toward the quiet end of the hall. They could find an empty on-call room or conference room.

She still made no move to get up. "I, uh, guess I have a minute, but I can't leave this spot."

He raised an eyebrow, glancing between her and George. There wore similar expressions. Derek detected anxiety, worry and guilt. "Why not?"

Meredith hesitated. "Uh... We're kind of on a time out..."

Derek blinked. "A time out?"

"Mmm-hmm." She and George both nodded.

"What did you do?"

She shook her head quickly. "I can't tell you."

Derek sat down onto the hard floor beside her. "Why not?"

She met his eyes and shook her head. "I just can't. Trust me, you don't want to know; not from us. Bailey refused to let us explain even."

"Why would she do that?"

Meredith pressed her lips together into a thin line and sighed.

"Mer?" He prompted, suddenly worried.

"Something about not wanting to be able to testify against us in a court..."

He felt his blood run cold. "What did you do?"

She shook her head again. "I can't tell you. I won't tell you, not now, not until everything is figured out."

"Meredith-"

"No," she cut him off quietly. "I won't do it. I know you, Derek. You would do everything could for me, and as an attending that would compromise you. Trust me, you want to stay in the dark for now."

"Okay," he agreed; reluctant, but knowing her well enough to know she had made up her mind. "Just...how bad is it? How much trouble are you in?"

Meredith turned away to glance at George, who shrugged, and turned back to him. She shrugged too. "We don't know yet. Bailey is going to deal with us later, and probably the Chief."

Derek inhaled sharply; that meant it was very serious. "But you're not in danger of..." He trailed off, not able to say it. He couldn't imagine coming to work everyday with her by his side.

Her eyes flickered slightly and he knew he had hit a nerve. "I hope not," she said simply. "But we did the only thing we could in the situation."

"Then it'll be fine," he told her, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt. He reached for her hand and entwined their fingers.

"Thanks." She squeezed his hand. "Oh, hey," she said suddenly, "How was Burke's surgery?"

"Successful, I think. I hope."

She nodded. "Good. I knew you could do it."

He smiled at her faith in him. "Thanks. I tried to find you before... I couldn't get perspective..."

"I'm sorry. I was..."

"Doing the thing you can't tell me about?"

"Exactly." She squeezed his hand again. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"You're here now."

She tilted her head to the side and studied him through narrowed eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...I just can't stop wondering what would have happened if I wasn't successful, or..." He trailed off.

She offered him a small smile. "Doing in the 'what if' thing again?"

He laughed quietly and nodded. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing."

"But you were successful."

"I know. It's just...his hand, you know? So important for a surgeon, so important. And it would destroy him if he couldn't operate again."

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "It would destroy him, or you?"

He smiled, despite himself. She had, of course, deciphered exactly what was on his mind. "I can't distance myself," he admitted. "I can't imagine being in his situation, having to decide... I can't imagine what I would do if I couldn't use my hand."

Meredith pulled their entwined fingers into her lap and closed her free hand around the back of his, trapping it between both of hers. She ran her palm up and down from his wrist to his finger tips. "You do have good hands," she mumbled absently.

"Mer?"

She offered him a smile. "I'm trying to think of what I can say to make it better. It's not you. Your hands are fine."

"But what if it were me?" He knew he was being irrational and that they were having this conversation on the floor of a busy hallway, but he needed her. He needed her to comfort him.

"If it were you, and we couldn't fix it, then we'd find something else for you to do. You could switch to a non-surgical specialty. You could teach. We'd find you something."

His heart fluttered at her nonchalant use of the term 'we.' "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiled. "And I'd love you no matter what you did. You know that, right?"

"I do. And I love you too, no matter what you did."

She chuckled, but nodded. "Good."

With a sigh, Derek leaned close to place a quick kiss on her cheek and released her hand. "I need to get to recovery before Burke wakes up."

"Okay. Oh," she caught him before he stood. "You should probably send Cristina to us when you get there. If Bailey finds out Burke is out of surgery and she's not with us, sharing in the time out, she'll be pissed."

He furrowed his brow. "Cristina bailed on the surgery. I have no idea where she is now."

"Oh..."

"But if I see her, I'll let her know where you are."

"Okay, it's not like we'll be leaving any time soon."

000

Meredith stood between Izzy and George, in the Chief's office, staring at the intimidating man. But for once, he wasn't so intimidating. Even though she should be scared of the consequences of her actions the night before when she had decided to help her friend, even though this man could make or break her career, and even though this could badly mar her reputation, Meredith wasn't intimidated. Meredith was angry. Two nights ago, she had awoken from a dreamless sleep in the middle of the night and had just known.

Richard Webber was the man her mother bragged about during her dementia induced rants in the nursing home. Richard Webber was the man who had kept her mother at the hospital so much, busy in the on-call rooms. Richard Webber was the man who had destroyed Ellis and Thatcher's marriage. He was the reason Ellis had moved herself and Meredith across the country. He was the reason Meredith hadn't seen or heard from her father between the ages of five and twenty-eight. He was the reason Ellis had resented her daughter so much. He was the reason Ellis had one day brought a scalpel home from work.

Richard Webber had taken too much from her. And Meredith was not about to let him take anything from Izzy Stevens. She had banded her fellow interns together before their 'interrogation' and made them all promise to support Izzy fully. There would be no confessions. Izzy would not be kicked out of the program.

"I cut the L-VAD wire," Izzy admitted beside her.

"Actually," Meredith began, looking the Chief right in the eye, "I cut the L-VAD wire." She had made sure she was second in line. She would support Izzy, and everyone else would fall into step behind her.

"No," George cut in immediately. "I did it. I'm the one that cut the wire."

Meredith breathed a small sigh of relief. The plan was working. No one could be singled out and punished if they all stuck together. There was a short delay and she felt George shift beside her to prompt Cristina.

"Fine; I cut the L-VAD wire."

"I didn't do anything. I'm totally innocent."

Meredith exhaled quickly, disappointed. "Alex," she chastised.

"I wasn't even here," he retorted. "He knows I wasn't here; you think he doesn't know that? The guy's not mentally challenged."

Arguments broke out between the five of them, but Meredith was confident that even if Alex wasn't willing to admit to cutting the wire, he wasn't going to rat on Izzy; it wasn't his style.

"I know who did this, so you might as well come clean," Richard cut in harshly. "I know."

"With all due respect, sir, if you knew, you wouldn't be asking us."

Meredith has to bite back a smirk. She was proud of the progress George had made since she had met him at the beginning of the year. Here he was standing up to the Chief of surgery, when seven month ago, she, Izzy and Cristina had had to force him to go to the Chief with a bribe to get a brain dead John Doe a heart surgery.

Richard sat back and glowered at them.

Meredith felt Izzy begin the tremble beside her. "I did-"

"You have your suspicions," Meredith cut in quickly, only half trying to hide the contempt in her voice. She had her own set of suspicions. "But you don't actually know." George and Cristina immediately backed her up.

The Chief was getting angry. He stood from his desk. "Well, one of you compromised a patient's life. One of you stole an organ. One of you jeopardized the integrity of this hospital, and of UNOS! Now you tell me, and you tell me right now!"

Silence.

Not one of the five of them made any move to speak. Meredith took her silent victory.

Still stewing, the Chief banned them all from surgery of any kind and demanded they take on a single case to share. And as her fellow interns filed out of the office, Meredith stayed until last, staring at the Chief. She would take any consequences that he threw her way. But she vaguely wondered if he had ever suffered from consequences of his own actions; Meredith had definitely suffered from consequences of his actions.

000

Prom.

Meredith had never gone to prom in high school, and now, here she was, planning one. At least she been assigned a relatively easy job. How hard could it be to order food? Meredith may not like prom, but she definitely liked to eat. Food was a good job for her.

She had scoured the nurses' station until she had found a small pile of catering menus in the back of a drawer, and was now searching for an empty conference room to sit and make her orders in peace.

Trying to read the menus and walk at the same time, Meredith didn't look up as she turned a corner. She had been working here so long that she could navigate the halls with her eyes closed; that is, if the halls were free of people. She collided with a solid form and her menus fluttered to the ground as she staggered to stay on her feet.

"Sorry," she said quickly.

Derek reached out for her elbow, steadying her. "Fancy _run_ning into you..."

She rolled her eyes. "Funny," she said dryly.

He chortled. "I thought so."

His hand left her elbow and he stooped to pick up her menus. She crouched and together they made easy work of it.

"So, I take it you've heard?" She asked when they were standing upright again, the menus securely back in her hands.

"I have. And there isn't a doubt in my mind that it wasn't you."

She smiled at his faith in her. "I can't say anything."

He nodded. "I know. And off the record, I'm proud of you."

"Thanks," she said, surprised. "I thought you'd be disappointed."

He shook his head. "There's an unnamed quality that you either have or you don't, that makes you better at this job, regardless of your skill. And Mer, you have it."

Meredith stammered several times, at a loss for words.

Derek smiled warmly at her. "So," he began, his tone much lighter than before. "I hear you're planning a prom..."

She rolled her eyes and motioned towards the items in her hands. "We are; interesting punishment, huh? I'm in charge of ordering food."

"Food is good."

She shrugged. "I guess. Though, it's definitely better than decorations. George and Alex are going crazy trying to deal with that." She laughed. "What kind of food do proms usually have?"

"I don't think it matters what you eat; it matters _who_ you go with."

"You're just full of helpful today."

He glared at her. "I'm trying to make a point here."

"That food doesn't matter?" She shook her head at him; he was being weird.

He grumbled under his breath.

She giggled. "What did you eat at your prom?"

"I didn't go to prom. Band geeks with unkempt hair don't usually go to prom."

"You were a band geek?"

"Mmm-hmm." He nodded.

She laughed. "What exactly did you mean by unkempt hair?"

He hesitated. "Let's just say I hadn't figured out the whole product thing yet, and it was a little...big."

"Like afro, big?"

"I wouldn't go that far..."

She giggled.

"Hey, now you understand why I take so long in the mornings. Product is important."

Meredith kept giggling.

He glowered at her. "What did you have at your prom?"

"I didn't go either."

"Band geek, too?"

She snorted. "Hell, no. I did the rebellious thing. Wore a lot of black. Pink hair. Wouldn't have been caught dead at prom."

He raised an eyebrow. "Pink hair, huh?"

"Yup." She nodded, trying to look unfazed, even though she could feel heat rising in her cheeks.

Derek leaned in close to kiss her cheek. "I'm sure you looked adorable, even with the black hair and rebellious thing going on."

She rolled her eyes for a third time.

"So," he stated.

"So," she repeated.

"_So_." He emphasized with his head.

Meredith paused, confused. "So," she finally repeated again.

"_So..."_ He said again, obviously looking for her to do or say something.

"Okay, do you want me to say 'so' again, or are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Don't you have something to ask me?"

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "About...?"

He raised an eyebrow and remained silent.

Meredith blinked three times and shook her head. "Okay, seriously, Derek, I have no idea what's going on here."

He made a big show of sighing. "Fine, repeat after me; _Derek_."

"Derek," she repeated, still completely confused by his behaviour.

"_Will you..._"

"Will you..."

"_...go to..._"

"...go to..."

"_...prom with me?"_

Meredith laughed at his antics. "Seriously? You're asking me to go to prom with you?"

"No. I'm asking you to ask me to go to prom."

"Why would you even want to go?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Because you'll be there."

"Derek..."

"And there's the whole getting to see you all dressed up thing..."

She smiled at him. "Do I get to see you dressed up too?"

"Only if you ask me soon," he countered. "I'm very in demand now. My dance card may fill up."

Meredith fought the urge to roll her eyes for a fourth time. "Fine. Derek, will you go to prom with me?"

"You could at least try and sound happy about it."

"I'm twenty-eight, Derek. And it's _prom_."

He shrugged. "So? I'm thirty-six, and I'm looking forward to it."

"Yeah, but you're the exception. Come on, Derek, you look forward to getting up in the morning."

It was his turn to roll his eyes at her. "I guess I'll have to be the romantic one here." He reached for her hand. "Meredith, will you go to prom with me?"

"So, let me get this straight. First you tell me to ask you. And then I do ask you and it's not good enough. And now you're asking me?"

He stepped closer to her, his scorching eyes making her heart flutter. "Just say yes," he whispered.

"Yes."

_**AN: Okay, so I had to watch the S2 finale over and over to get everything right, and there are a few things that I just have to comment on here. One – and this gets me every time – when Cristina says there are only three careers she's ever wanted...and that she doesn't SEE any extra countries or invisible planes lying around... hello, isn't the point of an invisible plane that you CAN'T see it? Second – and this I just noticed – how does Meredith call Alex from her cell phone at the other hospital about Denny? Seriously. Anyway...WooHoo; I broke 100k words with this chapter!**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	27. Season 2 finale part 2prom

_**AN: Sorry for the delay. I wanted to take my time and make sure this part was right to set up for the next several chapters.**_

If the Chief thought a few hours away from surgery and stuck being tortured by means of prom-planning with teenage girls would be enough to break down their resolve, he was very mistaken. Bailey's interns were a notoriously close-knit group. They were very loyal to each other. Meredith knew none of the four who had gone before he had said anything. And she wasn't about to tell the Chief anything he wanted to know.

When she was called into the small conference room, Richard was sitting on the far side, hands clasped in front of him, looking menacing and authoritative. A number of files were stacked beside him on the table, the spines separated far enough to show their number and thickness. There was no doubt that there were the personal intern files. It was all just a ploy for control and power.

Meredith met his gaze as she shut the door behind herself and stepped across the room. She made sure not to glance at the files or note book on the table before him. She would not give him the satisfaction.

Sitting across from him, Meredith linked her fingers together and averted her eyes, picking a spot on the wall to the side and staring. She would remain silent as long as he would. And there they sat for several minutes. Meredith didn't move.

Finally, the Chief sat forward in his chair. "I've known you for a long time," he began, his tone even and controlled. "I knew your mother and father..."

Meredith's fingers clenched together involuntarily. He, evidently, knew her mother very well.

"...And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did not cut those L-VAD wires."

Meredith continued to stare at her arbitrarily chosen spot on the wall.

"Meredith, I need you to tell me who did."

Something inside of her snapped and she turned to him; _was he seriously expecting her to help him_? "I've been going over this and over this in my mind, trying to piece this together." She paused, almost stopping to take pleasure in the fact that he had no idea what she was about to say to him. "It was you," she accused. "You're the reason my parents broke up."

He slowly sat back in his chair, and his silence destroyed the smallest fragments of doubt still lingering in the back of her mind. She ploughed onward with her accusations. "And it wasn't just an affair; she really loved you. It wasn't some cheap thing where she didn't tell you she was married." The man had knowingly slept with her married mother. "It wasn't all a lie. _She left her husband for you._"

Still, Richard said nothing.

"But you stayed with your wife, because it was the right thing to do...maybe safe, but she was the right person for you to be with. Let's face it...my mother? Nothing wrong with being safe, being with the good guy, because he's good. And we are talking about forever here." She sniffed and swallowed hard, fighting the stinging sensation behind her eyes. Derek really loved her. He had left his wife for her. He had chosen her. And she had been there, ready to start a life with him. She could barely imagine how crushed and pained he would have been had she decided that she didn't really want the lifetime with him. She would never have been able to forgive herself.

And that's exactly what the Chief had done. He had promised Ellis Grey a lifetime, and had reneged after she had taken the necessary steps to have that life. He had left her; broken her. And he didn't seem sorry. "You've never regretted your decision," Meredith continued. "You've never looked back, right?" She needed him to admit it. She needed him to look her in the eye and tell her he didn't hold any regrets; that he had forgiven himself for his callous actions. She needed to feel justified in hating him.

He sighed and looked away when she failed to break eye contact. "Meredith," he began after a long delay. "What you're talking about happened a long time ago-"

"For you maybe," she countered. "But for my mother, who has to relive her residency every day, it's happening now."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

He looked back at her. "I never meant to..."

"Never meant to what? Promise her a lifetime and then leave her? Force her to leave her husband and end up alone? Get involved with a married woman in the first place? Destroy her?"

He sighed heavily. "I loved your mother. But I also love my wife."

Meredith scoffed. "If you really loved her, you wouldn't have hurt her like that."

"Meredith, I had to let her go. I wouldn't have been able to make her happy-"

"No!" She cried, abruptly leaping to her feet. Her chair slid back and toppled over. It clanged to the ground and the noise echoed around the small room. "No." She repeated. "Do you have any idea how much you hurt her? Do you have any idea what you did to her? You destroyed her! She lost everything! I haven't met a single other member of my family since I was five years old because she cut all ties. She had no one. No one."

"I never meant to-"

"But you did! And you lied about it. I came to you and I asked you if you knew why they split up. And you looked me in the eye and told me you didn't know."

"It's not something I'm proud of."

"Whatever." Meredith crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes stinging again as anger and pain welled through her body. "Are we done here?"

"Meredith..."

"I'm not telling you anything."

He sighed. "I know it wasn't you."

"You don't know me."

"Meredith, I-"

"It's Dr. Grey." She glared at him. Where did he get off thinking it was alright to call her by her first name? "Can I go?"

He sighed and nodded.

Meredith turned on her heel and marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

000

After storming down the hall, Meredith found the closest on-call room and yanked open the door. It wasn't until she was fully into the room with the door shut behind her that she recognized George on the bed to the right. He was sitting up, leaning against the wall, one leg straight out in front of him and the other bent at the knee and tucked up to his chest.

He looked up at her, surprised. "How was your meeting with the Chief?"

She scowled and collapsed beside him, tucking both legs to her chest as she leaned against his shoulder. "I don't want to talk about it. What's got you all mopey?"

He sighed. "Callie said no."

"No to what?"

"Prom. I asked her to go to prom with me and she said no."

"Why did she say no?"

"She's mad at me." George sighed heavily, mirroring her position as he leaned back against her. "She told me she loved me."

"And?"

"And I didn't say it back."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Do you love her?"

"I...don't know. And she said it out of nowhere, and then Izzy was there dragging me to help her with Denny..."

"So she thinks you're avoiding her."

"I guess."

"When I first told Derek that I loved him, he didn't say it back right away," Meredith offered.

"It's not that I don't want to say it; it's that I don't want to say it and not mean it." He shrugged. "I don't know what to do."

"Tell her that."

He turned to meet her eyes. "Wouldn't that hurt her more?"

"It's better than lying or leaving her thinking you don't care."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Why is this so hard?"

"I wish I knew the answer to that."

"Life sucks."

"Yes, it does."

"Okay, you're turn. What's got you all mopey?"

"I told you; I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you say anything to the Chief?"

"I said a lot to the Chief, but nothing about Izzy."

George chuckled. "Me too."

Before either of them could continue, the door opened again. Meredith glanced up and smiled as she met familiar, comforting blue eyes. "Hey."

"Hey," Derek responded. "One of the nurses told me you had come in here and that you looked upset..." Concern creased his forehead and his eyes showed nothing more than love and support.

She patted the mattress beside her, and Derek wasted no time in coming to next to her. She reached for his hand and shifted her weight so that she was leaning against him instead of George. Warmth penetrated her through the contact and she smiled at the comfort she took from his closeness.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

He threaded his fingers through hers and squeezed supportively. "How was your meeting with the Chief?"

She exhaled tiredly and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'll tell you later."

His thumb shifted to rub the back of her hand. "I have to go out to the trailer before tonight."

"How come?"

"I need to get my tux for tonight." When he had officially moved in with her, he had moved most of his belongings, but a few rarely used items had been left behind. "How long will you need to get ready? I can drop you off and then go to the trailer if you need a while. If not, I can go get my tux and come back to get ready, or we can pick up your stuff first and drive out to the trailer and you can get ready there..."

Meredith pursed her lips and shifted her hand in his grip to look at her watch. There was almost three hours left before prom was scheduled to begin. "I need to shower and stuff...should take me an hour or less once I get home..." She smirked at him. "I doubt it would be efficient for us to both be trying to get ready in the trailer at the same time."

He growled, deep in his throat. "There you go, mocking the trailer..."

She giggled, going so far to laugh when she felt George fighting his own laughter on the other side of her. "Why don't you just go out to the trailer and meet me back here? I'll find a way home and back."

George nodded quickly beside her. "Iz and I can drive you. We were going to leave in about an hour."

"Are you sure?" Derek asked her.

She nodded. "Yeah; Bailey's got us doing prom prep still anyway. I have to make sure the tables and stuff are set up before I leave."

"Okay, but I'll pick you up at home and bring you here."

She raised an eyebrow at his demanding tone. "Why? George and Izzy have to come back anyway-"

"Because," he said, cutting her off.

"Derek..."

He smirked at her and shook his head. "I'm putting my foot down."

"But-"

"No buts." He leaned close to kiss her cheek before standing up. "I'll see you in a couple hours...at home."

She briefly debated continuing to argue, but ultimately decided against it. Even if she didn't understand, his expression told her it was important to him. "Okay."

His face lit up. "Good."

000

"Hold on!" Meredith called as she hurried down the stairs awkwardly, one foot strapped into a high heeled shoe and the other bare, the skirt of her dress clutched in her left hand to keep herself from tripping. Izzy was in the shower and George had already headed back to the hospital to make sure everything was going well with last minute things, leaving Meredith as the only one to answer the door.

After having spent the entire previous night awake, Meredith was beginning to run low on energy. She had, at very least, slept late the previous day, but she had still been awake for well over twenty-four hours. It hadn't been until she had collapsed into the backseat of George's car that she had realized just how tired she was, and she had been surprised when Izzy had shaken her awake in their driveway. Then, what was supposed to be a short cat nap had extended to a little over an hour long nap. And now, she was running late, having rushed through getting ready, and had been on the floor, half under her bed looking for her matching shoe when the doorbell had started to ring. Cursing to herself, she had taken one last swipe, triumphantly pulled out her shoe's pair, and rushed for the door.

The doorbell rang once more right as she reached the front hall. She swung open the door and paused, blinking several times as she took in the sight before her. Derek was standing on the doorstep, wearing a black tux that served only to improve his already dreamy appearance and his trademark smile, a small box in his hand.

"What are you doing?"

His lips curled into a smirk. "Picking you up for prom."

"I know that, Derek," she chastised. "I mean, what are you doing ringing the bell? You live here."

"Not tonight, I don't."

She glared at him. "Yes, you do. You can't just decide not to live here for a night, Derek. Because if you don't live here tonight, then I don't live here. Because I like living with you. I have to live with you now; you've completely ruined me. And if I do live here tonight, and you don't, then we have a problem, because I'm a girl with abandonment issues and-"

His lips crashed down on hers.

She tried to push him away, to continue her rant, to make him understand, but his talented lips were doing wonderful things, and her own traitorous mouth was parting already. His warm hands had found the exposed skin of her back, creating small sparks of electricity at every touch.

"I guess that's what I get for trying to joke with my neurotic girlfriend," he whispered huskily when he finally came up for air.

"I'm not neurotic."

He grumbled and kissed her again.

"I'm still not neurotic," she repeated when he pulled away the second time.

"You are sometimes, but I love you for it. Now, let me start over. Neither of us have done the prom thing before, so I want for us to do it right. And that starts with me picking you up at the door, and..." he trailed off for a moment to lift his hand and open the small box, "...giving you this."

Meredith stared down at the small purple flower he had revealed. "I..."

Derek shifted closer and smiled warmly at her when she flicked her gaze back to him. "It's a corsage," he offered.

"I know what it is," she said quietly. "I just...wasn't expecting...this."

"Well, get used to it." He carefully lifted the small flower out of the box and, after setting to box onto the side table, moved to pin it to her dress. He smirked at her as he shifted one hand to the inside of the black material to guide the pin through. "This is the part where I play the gentleman who _accidentally_ feels you up..."

Meredith laughed as his hand brushed against her to emphasize his point. "That didn't feel very accidental to me..."

His lips quirked upwards and he raised an eyebrow. "Oh, it was."

Still laughing, Meredith placed her hands against his chest, her fingers running along the smooth material of his tie. His chest was firm beneath her touch and she could feel the rise and fall of each breath he took as he gazed down at her. Her hands ran up the lapels of his jacket on their own accord, wanting to touch every part of him. The only time she had ever even seen him in a suit had been the day of the memorial for the fallen bomb squad members. He had looked good then, but now... He looked delicious.

Her lips parted and her tongue darted out to moisten them as she met his scorching eyes. His breathing deepened under her hands ever so slightly and his hands landed on her hips; very low on her hips, his thumbs brushing over the waist band of the black panties he loved.

"Thanks for the corsage," she whispered, surprised at how dry her throat was. It had been eight months and she was still taken aback by what he could do to her, just by looking at her. Not only was her throat dry, but her heart was fluttering in her chest like she really was a teenage girl going to prom, her knees were floundering and her stomach was doing somersaults.

He leaned close, his lips a hair's breadth from hers. "You're very welcome." The heat from his breath against her cheek created an array of goose-bumps across her body. "Did I tell you how beautiful you look?" He asked, his voice low and throaty.

"Nnnn..." She shook her head, her throat so dry that she couldn't even form a simple word.

"Hmmm." He pressed his lips against hers for just a moment. "Well, you do, look beautiful that is." He kissed her again, just as quick. "Gorgeous." Kiss. "Sexy." Kiss. "Perfect." This time when his lips captured hers, Meredith held him close.

"You don't look so bad yourself," she whispered when she released him.

He raised his hand to brush a lock of hair out of her face. "Thanks."

Meredith swallowed hard. The look he was giving her was more intense than anything she could remember receiving before; filled with passion and love and desire and need. Part of her knew she should pull herself from his arms and make a move for the car. The other, larger, part of her wanted nothing more than to take him upstairs and take full advantage of that look.

She groaned despite herself, and he smirked. "We should go," he prompted.

"Yeah..." Meredith could barely stay upright on her own, and was actually concerned about her ability to continue to do so after his supportive hands left her side. She had no idea how she was supposed to spend hours that evening dancing and socializing, not when everything she recognized in his eyes was mirrored in her body. She needed him. She wanted him.

His lips found hers once again, only much more chaste this time. "We won't stay too long," he promised.

Attempting a half smile, Meredith nodded. "Good."

Derek smirked, fully knowing, and revelling in, his effect on her. "Are you ready?"

She crouched to pick up the shoe that she had dropped when he had first touched her, and, one hand clutching to him for balance, pulled it on her bare foot. "Now I am."

He laughed.

"Iz!" She called, turning towards the stairs. The shower had stopped at some point since she had made her way down the stairs.

The bathroom door creaked open upstairs. "Yeah?"

"We're going. Did you want to come with us, or drive yourself?"

"I'll drive myself," Izzy called back. "I don't even know what I'm going to wear yet, and I've only narrowed it down to three dresses."

"Okay. We'll see you there." She smiled and turned back to her handsome date. "So..."

He smiled back, offering her the crook of his elbow. "Shall we?"

She nodded and hooked her wrist through his arm. "Lead the way."

000

"I thought you said you didn't ever dance in public?"

The hospital prom was already proving to beat her expectations. The balloon and banners and array of other decorations were tasteful, and the music was not quite her taste, but pretty okay. The punch was terrible, but the food she had ordered was wonderful. And the fact that she could spend as much time as she wanted tucked up close to Derek or in his arms on the dance floor just made everything else pale in comparison.

She swayed back and forth in his arms, surprised by how strong a lead he was for a man who claimed not to dance, and raised a questioning eyebrow to him.

His fingers clutched ever so closer to her lower back. "Slow dancing doesn't count, especially with you."

Meredith felt her cheeks blush, and buried her face in the crook of his neck in an effort to hide it from him. She knew she had been unsuccessful, but he said nothing, only ran one hand up her back to rest between her shoulder blades. "I like slow dancing with you, too," she mumbled into the soft material of his suit.

"We've never done this before."

"No."

"We should do it more often," he whispered into her hair. "I like it."

"Me, too." She sighed and closed her eyes, revelling in the feeling of being in his arms as he led them slowly side to side.

It was several minutes before he spoke again. "What happened in your meeting with the Chief, that you didn't want to talk about in front of George?"

She breathed and lifted her head off of his shoulder, meeting his concerned gaze. She knew she could tell him. She could tell him anything. "It was him," she said quietly.

Derek furrowed his brow. "What was him?"

She sighed and clutched at the dark fabric of his jacket with her fingers. "He was the man my mother had the affair with."

For several seconds his expression didn't change. Then he blinked twice and his face morphed into anger. "That... I should have known. He told me, last night, he told me he had had an affair during his residency." He shook his head. "I didn't put it together."

"It took me until now to put it together." She shrugged. "Or maybe I just didn't want to see it before. But it was him. They were together for years. And at the end of their residency, they agreed to end their marriages and move on together. My mother left Thatcher, but the Chief didn't go through with it. And my mom moved us to Boston."

"And you lost your father," he supplied.

"Yeah."

His arms tightened around her. "How did you...?"

"I figured it out. I accused him point blank. He didn't deny it. And then he gave me some excuse about how he loved her, but he also loved his wife, and how he never meant to hurt her. And how he wouldn't have been able to make her happy." She shook her head as tears formed behind her eyes. "If he had really loved her, he wouldn't have done that to her. He would never have left her. You have no idea how crushed she was, how..." Her voice cracked and she trailed off.

"Shh..." He whispered, his hand running up and down her back reassuringly. "Shh..."

She sniffed. "He destroyed her."

Derek offered her a sad smile. "I'm sorry."

She nodded.

"I don't know what to say to make it better."

She attempted a small smile. "I doubt there is anything to say."

"I love you."

This time she was successful with her smile. "I love you too."

He smiled back. "Mer, all I can do is promise you that I'm not Richard Webber. I know what I want, who I want. I love you, and I want a lifetime with you. I'll never leave, I promise."

Meredith closed her eyes as her breathing hitched. When she opened them, he was staring back at her, his features fuzzy through her tears. "I promise, too." And she meant it, even though, in the back of her mind, she was still freaking out about all the steps she had taken, and even though she was nervous about getting on the plane to New York in two days time. She meant it.

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "Good."

She sighed and nuzzled into the crook of his neck again, seeking comfort in the closeness. He did the same, his arms closing tightly around her and his chin coming to rest on her shoulder. The slow song ended and was replaced with one slightly more fast paced, but neither noticed, remaining just as close, wrapped in each other's arms as they swayed together.

"My mom called this afternoon," Derek whispered, breaking the comfortable silence after several minutes.

Meredith sighed and lifted her head off his shoulder.

He offered her a warm smile. "She's looking forward to meeting you."

"Okay."

He tilted his head as his eyes narrowed. "You still doing okay with this?"

Meredith's heart suddenly tripled it's rhythm, pounding against her chest. Her throat was dry and she swallowed hard. Her limbs were trembling. No; she wasn't doing as okay with this as she would like to be. She felt like she was stuck on a rollercoaster, moving at a hundred miles an hour. And she wanted to reached the end of the ride, she really did, but she really wanted to slow down, to prepare for the next set of loops she had to get through. Eight months was a long time. It was the better part of a year. It was long enough to settle into the routine of a hospital and discover she loved the job she had gotten into for all the wrong reasons. It was long enough to meet _the guy_. And it may even be long enough to fall in love with, move in with and make plans with _the guy_. But, for Meredith at least, it suddenly didn't feel like long enough to be making these steps.

She wanted the lifetime with him. She wanted to wake up with him every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night. She loved him and he loved her. She wanted to do things like this with him, dance together, go out together, talk about things and discuss their lives. She never wanted to lose him, never wanted to do any of these things with another man. Meredith was done. She had found the guy she was going to spend the rest of her life with.

But eight months wasn't enough time. Eight months was too fast. Too fast to be getting on a plane and flying across the country to spend three days in New York, surrounded by his family. She may never have done this before, the relationship thing, but she had heard the stories about meeting one's boyfriend's family. And she knew the Shepherd's would have opinions. She knew she would have misperceptions to overcome. Would eight months be long enough to be able to convince them of just how much she loved Derek? Would it be long enough to support her through three days?

Would it be long enough to stand up against the twenty-eight years she had spent not believing in true love, happily ever afters and relationships? Would she be able to get through the weekend, or would she fall back into her old habits and run?

"Mer?" He prompted, concern lining his beautiful eyes.

She offered him a wobbly smile. "I'm fine."

He scoffed.

A nervous laugh escaped her lips. "Okay, so I'm not _fine_ fine. I'm..." She swallowed hard. "...freaking out...a little."

"You have nothing to worry about."

She nodded; she had lost count of the number of times he had repeated that to her. "I know. I just... Does it feel fast to you?"

His lips captured hers in a short, reassuring kiss. "No," he told her when he pulled away, his expression bright and cheerful and encouraging. "It's not fast, Mer. I knew it was you the day I met you. I would have taken you home last fall."

Meredith melted at his enthusiasm. He was so excited, so happy to be introducing her to his family. She couldn't crush that by letting him in on her thoughts. He was right; it would be okay. It was only three days. "That I wouldn't have agreed to," she offered lightly.

He chuckled. "Which is why I waited until now." He paused and smiled reverently at her. "They're going to love you."

Meredith had to remind herself to breathe while she fought to keep her feet from moving off the floor. Somewhere while they had been discussing this particular topic, they had stopped moving. Her feet were firmly planted underneath her, still and even, masking their sudden, unexplainable, desire to run. She swallowed hard and gripped onto him a little tighter as she gazed into the comforting blue of his eyes. She would never run from him.

But she needed to talk about something else. "Did you hear about Izzy and Denny?" Came flooding from her lips. It was the only thing she could think of.

His expression shifted, a hint of a question floating behind his eyes at her abrupt subject change, but he respected that she had done it for a reason and followed suit. "No, what?"

"He asked her to marry him."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "And?"

"She said yes." Meredith felt the corner of her lips curl at the memory of her exuberant roommate. When she and George had finally found Izzy, she had floating in engagement bliss, having just told Denny yes. "She...was so excited."

"Good for them."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah..."

Derek tilted his head and motioned towards her with his chin. "What?"

"It's just something that Izzy said last night."

He stayed silent, waiting for her to continue. They hadn't yet discussed the previous night, and he would let her make the first move.

"She and Cristina were arguing. Cristina kept saying how stupid the whole thing was, that Izzy should never have gotten involved in the first place, that if she had valued her career at all that she would have run. And Izzy told her she would rather be running towards someone than away."

Derek nodded, his brow furrowed as he fought to discern Meredith's point with the conversation.

"I used to be like Cristina," Meredith admitted quietly. She sighed and leaned into Derek, initiating a new round of dancing, and she didn't continue again until they were swaying back and forth together once more. "I would have run. Hell, I did run. A lot. Like, all the time. From everything and everyone. But...some time in the last year...I guess I started to become more like Izzy. I want to run towards you, or with you, or whatever. But the point is...I've changed."

"But it's a good change, right?"

She nodded, smiling to reassure the worry in his tone. "It's a good change; scary sometimes, but good."

"I'm sorry it's still scary."

"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for, Derek. You're the reason it's scary sometimes, and not all the time."

The concern behind his eyes all-but disappeared. "Well, what can I do to make the sometimes become never?"

She shrugged in his arms. "Just time, I guess. Eight months isn't all that long."

"It's long enough for me to know everything I need to know." Any lingering concern or doubt left his gaze, replaced by a familiar heat.

Meredith felt herself melting under his scorching expression. The couples dancing around them faded into the background and she felt her chest hitch as she was captivated by the blue of his irises. "Yeah..." She mumbled, all of the feelings and emotions from earlier falling back to her. Maybe she should have just dragged him up the stairs when he had come to pick her up.

They were already pushed close together, in each other's arms, but he shifted just so to press into her. "Meredith..."

The throaty way he said her voice took her breath away as she began to pant. Her body was on fire, fuelled by every inch of contact between them. One of his strong hands left her back to brush a lock of hair out of her face. His rough fingertips left a tingling trail behind on her cheek as she shuddered under the assault of her arousal. She could feel his own arousal growing against her. "Derek..." She moaned his name before leaning in to press her lips against his.

She lost herself for several moments, fully supported by his strong arms. It wasn't until his tongue was darting against her lips that she remembered where they were. "Derek," she said, breathless. "We...we..." She trailed off and breathed deep, fighting for control over her own body. "We're at prom," she finally managed.

Derek nodded, equally breathless. He said nothing, but his arms tightened around her as he continued to sway them back and forth. She could feel him breathing against her, fighting to keep his own desires in check.

Meredith clutched at the coarse fabric of the back of his jacket, wanting nothing more than to pull it off of him and rub her fingers over the soft cotton of the white shirt he wore underneath. And she didn't want to wait until later. She didn't want to wait through another few hours of prom things and a drive home until they were alone in their room. She wanted him now. She needed him now.

"Come on," she mumbled, breaking away from his grip and dragging him by the hand off the dance floor.

He released her hand, his coming to rest on her lower back as he kept himself close behind her. After they had, hopefully discreetly, left the dance behind, Meredith paused at an intersection of hallways. They weren't overly close to any of the on-call rooms. Before she could begin to make a decision, Derek was pushing her forward down a quiet hallway and into an empty exam room.

The moment the door had closed behind them, she turned to him and his lips were on hers. Her fingers made easy work of the few buttons along the front of his tux, and she pushed the jacket off, over his shoulders. He moaned into her mouth as her hands began to roam along his body, only separated by the thin fabric of his white shirt.

He pressed against her, and Meredith found herself backing up until she met the exam table. It was only a moment before his hands shifted down to her hips and he lifted her to perch on the table before him. She hooked her legs round him and let her hands travel down to buckle of his belt.

His lips left hers to work down her neck to her chest, his finger pulling at the fabric of her dress for access to more intimate areas. Momentarily overcome, Meredith's fingers fell away from his belt to bury in his hair, subtly directing the movement of his talented lips. It was always like this between them. It was always overcoming. She had never had this before. She had never known this much desire for another person.

He ground against her and she moaned, returning to her task of undoing his belt. Once the garment was out of the way, she moved to his fly. He was ready. They didn't say anything; they didn't have to. Meredith shifted on the table, helping him to remove her panties. And then they were pressed together once more, nothing to left to separate them.

When they were finished, Meredith sat gasping on the table, her arms and legs still around him, holding him close. He panted against her, his hands resting along her spine.

"Well, so much for us not carrying out our relationship in the hospital..." She said lightly.

He chuckled and kissed her swollen lips. "Something else the Chief doesn't need to know about."

Meredith giggled.

He kissed her again. Her lips. Her cheeks. Her forehead. And then he reluctantly pulled away, releasing her to tuck in his shirt. He offered her a wry smile. "So, what do you think this means for us now?"

She snorted and raised an eyebrow. "How about that we have no self-control?"

He laughed. "Sounds about right."

She nodded and pushed herself off the table. "Have you seen my panties?"

Derek smirked. "I have."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Smart ass," she muttered, glancing around the small room. "Well, I can't find them. Where did you put them?"

"Why do you think I lost them?"

She mock-glared at him. "Because you took them off."

"Good point."

He made no move to help her, still tucking in his shirt and doing up his pants. She sauntered over to him, her hands reaching up to his neck.

"What are you doing?"

She smiled up at him. "Fixing your tie."

The corners of his lips twitched upwards and he opened his mouth to retort, but the door swinging open across the small room broke them apart.

Meredith jumped and turned to meet Callie's surprised expression. "I, uh..."

Callie shook her head to cut her off. "The nurse said you were in here. You have to come with me, it's Izzy."


	28. Season 2 finale part 3

Back at the dance, everything seemed the same. Derek had cautiously re-approached the swarms of happy, dressed-up, dancing people after Meredith had been called from the exam room, leaving him alone. What had happened with Izzy, he didn't know, but he knew his girlfriend was needed. It felt surreal to be back in the midst of all the hospital staff so soon after his experience in the exam room. That had definitely never happened between them before. He had barely been able to make out shapes of people as he and Meredith had rushed from the dance floor to a more private place. But, luckily for them, they seemed to have flown under the radar, as he couldn't detect any accusing glances.

Still able to smell the lavender of her conditioner on himself, Derek strode across the room to get a drink. He nodded a friendly hello to a few nurses and doctors as he passed them, but found himself disconcerted that after eight months of working at Seattle Grace, the only people he felt comfortable stopping to actually talk with in this type of situation were five interns, one resident, his ex-wife, Preston Burke and the Chief. All five interns were in disposed, dealing with whatever crisis had now befallen Izzy Stevens. Bailey was nowhere to be seen. Preston was lying in a hospital bed upstairs, recovering from the operation Derek had performed the night before. And the Chief had slept with Meredith's mother twenty years ago.

Derek grimaced as he swallowed a sip of the punch he had already deemed 'terrible.' It hadn't gotten any better in the past hour. He caught sight of Addison cautiously making her way towards him and offered her a reassuring smile. The humour was not lost on him that, although he was surrounded with people he worked with every day, his ex-wife was the only one he could begin to talk with. It also wasn't lost on him that he could still feel Meredith's body against his own, could still smell her, could still taste her. And it almost gave him joy that it was all so innocent, that Addison would come over and speak to him and never know.

Things had been better between them over the past couple months. They had worked together on a few cases without any problems, and had even become more than just civil when passing in the halls. Derek would even go so far as to say their interactions were approaching friendly. They weren't _friends_, and Derek wasn't sure how close they would ever get to being so, but progress was being made.

"Hey," she greeted evenly as she reached for her own cup of punch.

"Hey," he replied. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Addison paused, her plastic glass inches from her lips. "What?"

"The punch." He lifted his glass to emphasize his point and shook his head. "Not worth it."

"It can't be that bad."

He shrugged. "Your call; just thought I'd warn you."

She took a small sip and made a face. "Ugh, that's terrible."

Derek nodded. "Told you." He laughed as she tossed her cup into the trash. "You just get here?"

She sighed. "Not exactly. I wasted as much time as I could checking on my patients before making my way down here. I went to prom when I was eighteen. I never expected to be going again twenty years later."

He laughed. "Yeah, it's interesting, that's for sure." He had definitely never expected to attend a prom. But, he mused, if he had to, Meredith was definitely the one he wanted to be there with. He had been on his way to the ferry when he had passed the flower shop that afternoon. And before he had even realised what he was doing, he had turned his car around and steered into the parking lot to order a corsage. He had already known that he wanted to pick her up and do the whole 'prom' thing right, but the corsage had been a last minute idea. From what he had heard about her childhood so far, he knew she had been far too disillusioned by the time she had finished high school to care about prom. She deserved the memory, even if it was ten years late for her. And, truth be told, he wanted the memory too. The look on her face when he had presented her with the small purple flower had made his day. She had never been made to feel special before. She had never expected anything from other people. But she deserved to feel special. And he made a mental note to do more things for her. She wasn't materialistic, and he knew it would upset her for him to start buying her extravagant gifts, but he would find smaller things for her, like the flower.

"I spent my first prom listening the Skippy Gold talking about Star Wars," Addison offered, pulling Derek from his reverie.

Derek snorted. "I didn't go to mine."

"Why not?"

He shrugged. "Wasn't my thing."

"Was Derek Shepherd too cool for prom in high school?" She asked jokingly.

Derek met the laughing gaze of his ex-wife and wondered why, in over a decade of marriage, they hadn't ever spoken about their high school years. "No," he said eventually, shaking his head. "Not cool enough."

"I don't believe that," she retorted, her voice still full of laughter, challenging him to admit his joke.

"Believe it. I was kind of a geek in high school. Straight As. Played in the band. Never skipped a single class."

"I would never have guessed."

He nodded. She may never have guessed, but she should have known. He should have told her. And he vaguely wondered how much more they hadn't shared about themselves that they should have. How much did she know about his childhood? His father? His hopes and dreams? How much had he shared, and how much had he held back? How much did Meredith already know that Addison had never been told?

"Chess club too?" She continued.

He laughed and shook his head. "Nah, I wasn't that bad. Though, I did spend one semester with the mathletes..."

She laughed. "Me too, although it was more like two years..."

He chuckled. "Just goes to show you how much can change after high school."

"Not much," she said honestly. "I was a science geek in high school, and now I'm a surgeon. I was single in high school, and am again now. I still put my foot in my mouth a lot. I had no social skills, and-"

"You have social skills," he cut in. "They may not be finely tuned, but they are there."

She rolled her eyes at his gentle prodding. "Funny."

"I thought so." He smiled and hesitated, glancing around quietly. "So, did you...come with someone?"

She raised an eyebrow and surveyed him. "Are we crossing a conversational line here?"

He shrugged. "Maybe; but I think we can handle it. We're making progress."

"We are making progress," she agreed.

"You don't have to tell me," he told her lightly. Maybe they weren't far enough to touch on those things yet. "I just thought-"

She shook her head. "No, it's okay. I think you're right; we can handle it. And no, I didn't come with anyone." She hesitated, something more on the tip of her tongue.

He tilted his head ever so slightly, still able to read her, even if the ability wasn't as finely tuned as it had once been. "What?"

She met his gaze hesitantly. "I guess I am seeing someone...sort of."

"Mark?" Derek questioned, uncertain whether he wanted the answer or not. He hadn't spoken to Addison for a week after Mark had shown up in Seattle. He had been angry; but much more at Mark than Addison. Mark had been his brother. Mark had been there for every family holiday Derek could remember. Mark had been his best friend, his family. And your family isn't supposed to make a move on your wife.

Addison quickly shook her head. "No. And I promise you, Derek, I had nothing to do with him showing up last month."

"It's okay if you did. I was angry before, but now...it's just okay if you did." He couldn't explain why he was finding it easier and easier to forgive Addison, but not Mark. Maybe it was because he had to deal with her every day, and not him. Maybe it was because he knew their marriage had been on the rocks before her actions. Maybe it was because leaving Addison had led him to Meredith.

"You're seriously telling me you'd be okay if I went out with Mark?" She raised one finely manicured eyebrow.

Derek took a deep breath. "Look, I hated you two for what you did. But I'm trying to move on, and to do so, I need to let go. And I don't hate you, Addy. I want you to be happy too. And if it's Mark that makes you happy, then..." He shrugged. "Then I'll deal." And he would. He would force himself to be okay with it, and he would live his life...and hope in the back of his mind that Mark would convince her to move back to New York, and not wind up in Seattle too.

"She really is good for you."

"What?"

Addison smiled. "Meredith. She really is good for you. You're like a whole different person."

His lips curled into a smile unbidden. He knew she was right. "I feel different."

"Good. I'm glad you're happy. Derek."

"Thanks. And I hope you're happy too."

She took a breath. "I'll get there. The guy isn't Mark," she told him. "He's just a guy."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Just a guy?"

"A nice guy. We've only been out a few times...well, okay two times, but he's nice..."

"Yeah, you said that already."

She sighed. "It's just...hard, you know? The dating life. It's been a long time. But he really is nice."

"Why didn't you invite him here?"

She laughed. "Yeah, that would have gone over well; _how would you like to get dressed up and accompany me to a prom at my hospital where my ex-husband works?_"

Derek snorted. "You may have a point..."

"Yeah, I don't need to scare him off already." She smiled. "So...where's Meredith?"

"I'm not sure. She got called away to deal with something to do with Izzy."

Addison nodded. "Something to do with what happened last night?"

Derek shrugged. "I don't know. Callie, uh, Dr. Torres, came to get her and they disappeared pretty quickly."

Addison hesitated. "Can I...ask what happened last night?"

He offered her a wry smile. "You can ask..."

"But you won't tell me," she finished.

"I can't tell you. I don't know."

"She didn't tell you?"

He shook his head. "It's not a good thing for me to know. It complicated things, causes problems. She knows I'd stand up for them, even if it was bad for me."

"So, she's protecting you?"

He nodded. "And them."

Addison paused for a moment, before continuing in a lighter tone. "I like her, Derek."

He was surprised by her honest words, but recovered quickly. "I like her too."

"Obviously." She rolled her eyes.

He laughed.

"I mean it, Derek. I was...wrong for a long time. And I said things, a lot of things, and I'm sorry. Because I believe you now. It really wasn't a midlife crisis or anything. You really do love her."

Derek nodded. "I do."

"And she really loves you."

Again, he nodded.

She took a breath. "For what it's worth, I'm glad I did what I did. I'm sorry that I hurt you, Derek, and I'm sorry that I destroyed a lifelong friendship, but I'm glad. Because I've never seen you as happy as you have been this year, and I've known you for a long time."

Derek sighed. "I think I'm glad too."

"You know, this is so far from where I would have pictured us a year ago..."

"Yeah, it really is."

"But I am glad for you, Derek," she told him, only a hint of tears in her eyes. "She's good for you."

"Thank-you, Addy. Coming from you...well, that means a lot."

A silence fell between them, with only a hint of awkwardness. They were learning to converse as 'friends.' He didn't hate her anymore, and he still did care about her. If it would work, he wanted to be her friend. They could talk about things together. He briefly debated mentioning that he was taking Meredith home that weekend, but it was then that Derek caught sight of Richard and Bailey across the room, motioning for him to come over. He felt his heart constrict suddenly, realizing that something was very wrong. All thoughts of anger towards the Chief for his actions with Ellis Grey were gone from Derek's head in a heart beat.

He quickly made his way across the floor, Addison right behind him. "Chief," he greeted questioningly. "What's going on?" He shifted his gaze between Richard and Bailey. They both knew something he did not. There was sadness in Miranda's eyes.

"Do you know where Grey is?" Richard asked quietly. "Or any of Bailey's interns?"

Derek shook his head. "No..."

"I'm looking for Izzy Stevens in particular."

"Callie came," Derek supplied. "She came to get Meredith a little while ago; said it was something to do with Izzy." He looked up. "What's going on?"

Richard sighed heavily, but before he could respond Bailey's gaze caught of something behind Derek. "Chief," she said quietly, catching his attention.

Derek turned to catch sight of Izzy, wearing in a pink dress over her body and a broken expression across her face, heading towards them. Alex and George were flanking her, only a step behind. And Meredith trailed the three of them, her eyes bloodshot with unshed tears. He didn't have to ask to know what had happened. "Damn it," he swore under his breath.

Izzy barely glanced at them as she walked past, the boys not making a move to stop either. Meredith caught his gaze and hesitated, her steps wobbly as she fought to decide whether to go to him for comfort or keep up with her friend. In the end, she didn't have to decide.

Izzy paused after she had passed them, and turned back, her large, expressive eyes filled with tears. "It was me," she practically whispered. "I cut his L-VAD wire. I did it; no one helped me," she admitted to the Chief. "And now... I thought I was a surgeon, but..." She trailed off as the tears began to trail down her cheeks. "I can't. I thought I was a surgeon, but I am not." She paused for a breath. "So, I quit." With that, Izzy Stevens turned away from them and headed for the stairs, ignoring Dr. Bailey as she called after her fallen intern.

George and Alex turned to follow her, but Meredith stood, frozen, watching her roommate walk away. With tears stinging the backs of his eyes with surprising force, Derek stepped forward to wrap his arms around his trembling girlfriend. "Shhh..." He whispered into her hair as she stood rigidly in his arms, the tremors running through her body and harsh gasps in her chest the only indication she was a living, breathing person.

Derek splayed his palms over her spine and ran them up and down, comforting her as best he could. "He died," she whispered suddenly. "Denny died. He's...dead."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Her breathing hitched and she moved in his arms, clutching to the lapels of his tux so tightly that her fingers turned white. "He died..." She repeated.

"Shh..." He whispered again, holding her tight and guiding her face into the crook of his neck. He rested his chin on her shoulder and whispered whatever comforting phrases he could think of to calm her. "I'm here. I'm here..."

Bailey, Richard and Addison stared back at him from behind her, all three looking as shocked at the situation as he felt. The Chief may have stepped forward to say something to Meredith the previous day, but after her accusations that morning, he knew better than to try it now. Derek didn't even have to send him a warning glance. Bailey stood broken by his side, unable to comprehend the hit her intern had just taken, and her role in it. He was surprised when Addison sent him a supportive smile, but he was grateful for it as a moment of understanding passed between them. This was exactly where he needed to be, and Addison was moving on.

Meredith sniffed in his arms as the tears truly began to fall. He squeezed his arms around her, belaying as much support as he could. Addison glanced behind him and then back at him several times before he felt the eyes on his back. Their scene was apparently attracting the questioning eyes of other hospital employees. He nodded gently to Addison, thankful for her warning and carefully pulled away from his girlfriend.

She gazed up at him through moist eyes, still trembling in his arms. He offered her a warm smile and tenderly wiped the excess moisture from her cheeks with his thumbs. "Come on," he said eventually. "Let's go home."

Meredith took a deep breath and nodded before releasing her iron grip on his jacket. She avoided the curious onlookers and tucked herself close to him. He wrapped his arm tightly around her small frame and led her towards the front lobby. Once they reached the double doors marking the end of their inside journey he paused and turned to her. The weather seemed to have matched itself to their moods. The overcast sky that had been threatening all day was raining down on the city, dark and stormy and morose.

"Did you want to wait here while I get the car?" They had stashed their jackets in Derek's office, but he didn't want to drag her through the hospital to retrieve them. He needed to get her home.

She shook her head.

"Mer, it's raining..."

"So? You'll get wet too."

He nodded, brushing his hands over her bare arms. "Yes, but I'm wearing more than you. I don't want you to get sick."

"I'll be fine."

"Mer..."

She shook her head. "No, please, Derek. I just..." Her breathing hitched and she clutched at his arm, as if he would run from her side if she let go. "I don't want to wait. I...I need to go with you."

"I'd only be a minute."

She took a deep breath and met his eyes. "I don't want to be away from you," she whispered.

Derek felt his heart constrict at her quiet honesty. He didn't want to be away from her either, even if just for a moment. "Okay," he relented. "Come on, then."

She took his hand and together they made there way out, into the storm.

_**AN: And that is the end of season 2, people! WooHoo! I'm really looking forward to moving on to tackle some of the season 3 storylines. It will be interesting to see the difference in their relationship and how they deal with things as they were together for (most of) season three, but so differently from what they're coming into it as in this fic. Thanks for reading and sticking with me through an entire season of re-writes!**_


	29. Season 3 premiere

The sun was barely coming up on the west coast, casting an uneasy glow across the damp and dreary landscape. Derek sighed heavily as he collapsed onto the bottom steps of the staircase by the OR board, exhaustion clinging to him with every weary intake of air he took. It was quiet still in the hospital, not quite late enough for a shift change, but time for the night staff to be beginning their final rounds on checking their patients and making their notes.

It was the time of day where he could sit in the middle of the hospital and have privacy.

He unenthusiastically pulled his phone off of his waistband and dialled the familiar number. It may be early on the west coast, but the sun would be up and cheerful across the country, well into its daily ritual through the sky.

His mother answered after only three rings.

"Hi, mom, it's me."

"Derek!" She exclaimed. "Is everything alright? It's early for you to be calling."

He nodded to himself, even though he knew she could not tell. "Yeah, I just...I'm sorry, mom..."

"Sorry about what, dear?" Her voice was full of concern for her only son.

"I don't think we're going to make it tomorrow." He and Meredith were supposed to board a plane at ten the next morning, but when he had talked with her fifteen minutes prior, she had told him Izzy hadn't ventured off the bathroom floor yet.

"How come? Is something wrong?"

He felt his chest tighten at her concern. Derek had been looking forward to going home; he had never expected to feel homesick, but right now, he wanted his family. And he wanted Meredith to meet, and integrate with, his family. He needed a sign that said he had found a new life that would last him forever. Things could change in an instant, and he couldn't lose his grasp on this wonderful new life he had made for himself. "One of Mer's best friends...and our roommate, her, uh...her fiancé passed away last night. And she doesn't have anyone else to be here with her..."

His mother inhaled sharply. "My goodness, I'm so sorry. Was he ill?"

Derek closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool steel of the railing next to him. "He had chronic heart problems." His mother was not a doctor, and wouldn't understand any more than that. "And he had a heart transplant yesterday morning. Everything was good. He was awake and recovering nicely..."

"So, what happened?"

"Life," Derek answered. "Life happened. Things just happen, that you can't control. One minute he was fine, with a new heart and a fiancée and a future, and the next..." He didn't finish; he didn't have to.

"And...your roommate? How is she?"

Derek sighed. After driving Meredith home, he had only seen Izzy once, as Meredith had attempted to comfort her in the bathroom. His girlfriend had knocked twice before silently turning the knob. The door had opened just far enough for Meredith to squeeze her tiny frame through. But it had been enough. The small sliver of light coming through the doorway lit up their broken roommate in an almost stagnant glow. The scene of the blonde laying across the floor, broken, still dressed in her prom dress, haunted him, playing behind his lids every time he closed his eyes. "Not good."

"And Meredith?"

He almost smiled at his mother's concern. "She's..." He could still picture the crushed expression on her face as she staggered back out of the bathroom, fresh tears falling from her cheerless eyes. She had fallen into his arms and cried for the better part of an hour. And he had held her and cried a few tears of his own, silently into her hair. Denny's death had hit too close to home for all of them. "Not good either."

She sighed on the other end of the phone line. "And how about you, Derek? How are you coping?"

He was exhausted, but couldn't sleep, because he was afraid that if he fell asleep without Meredith in his arms that he would dream of losing her. He felt like crap, as he hadn't slept for the past two nights. His throat was starting to ache. His legs and back were screaming protest from the number of surgeries he had performed in the past forty-eight hours. He was still concerned for his friend, who was lying upstairs in a hospital bed, nursing an injured arm and acting strange. He was worried about his girlfriend and her friends. He wasn't going to get to see his family the next day. And he was sitting on the stairs in the middle of the hospital, completely dishevelled, fighting the urge to find a quiet place to lie down and cry. And Derek Shepherd wasn't one to cry. "I...I don't know how I am."

"Derek..."

He should have known she would see through that. "I just...please, don't push right now, mom. I can't..."

"Okay, Derek," she comforted. "I won't push. But remember, it's okay to not be okay."

"Okay."

"And don't worry about this weekend. I'm disappointed that I won't get to see you and finally meet this girl you're so taken by, but it's okay, Derek. Get this all behind you, be there for your friend, and then we'll reschedule."

"Thanks."

"Are you home now?"

He sighed. "No. I got paged a few hours ago; repaired a ruptured secular aneurism. I just have to round on my patients, and then I can go home. I don't have anything scheduled today."

"That's good to hear."

"Yeah..." He couldn't wait to go home. He needed to see Meredith, to hold her, to kiss her, to press his nose into the crook of her neck and breathe in the smell that was uniquely her. He needed to be in the same room as her. He needed to be near her. He needed to remind himself that she was still there, that he had gained so much more than he had lost in the past year.

"Derek, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, mom."

"Fine, huh? Where did you pick that up from? You definitely don't sound fine to me."

"I'm just..." _Exhausted. Worried. Stressed. Going out of my mind._

"Derek, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I want you to listen to me anyway. It's like you said. These horrible, unexplainable, sudden things happen. They're a part of life. And you never really think it's going to happen to you until it does..."

Derek nodded along to himself, knowing she was speaking of her first husband, his father.

"...But you can't let it get to you. You can't spend your life looking around every corner, waiting for something to happen. You need to live in the now, Derek. I still miss your father, but I'm grateful for the memories that I have. Because I let myself live, and I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop." She paused for a moment to let that sink in. "I know you, Derek. I know what you're thinking right now. And I know that you've finally gotten your life back, that you're happy again. Don't let the fear of losing all that you've gained scare you away from living your new life. And don't let the fear push you into destroying your new life."

"I wouldn't-"

"I know you, Derek," she repeated. "And you tend to push people away when you're scared and hurt."

He opened his mouth to retort, but no words came out. He could remember sitting alone in his room for over an hour the day of his father's funeral. He could remember watching his sisters huddle together during the funeral; but he hadn't made any move to join them. He could remember stopping for a drink on the way home so many times in New York after losing a patient; sitting alone at the bar as he nursed his single malt, before heading home and telling his wife nothing of his day. And he could remember packing up all that would fit in his car and driving across the country when he had found his wife in bed with his best friend.

"Be there for Meredith," she prompted. "But let her be there for you, too. That is what a relationship is about, Derek."

"Okay," he breathed.

"Good. I love you, Derek."

He sniffed suddenly. "I love you too, mom."

"And I'll see you soon."

"I'll let you know."

"Good."

"Bye, mom."

"Goodbye."

000

Meredith sighed and rested her forehead down on the table, taking comfort in the feeling of the cool wood against her skin. She was exhausted. She hadn't slept in three days, and the emotional overload was getting to her. Normally, she was good at swallowing her emotions; she had had an entire lifetime of experience with it, and her mother had been a master teacher. But now...Meredith was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She had changed in the past eight months, and now her emotions were approaching overwhelming.

She had depended on Derek's closeness for the hours he had spent by her side before he had been paged. She had lost count of the minutes and hours she had spent crying in his arms, the number of times he had held her or kissed her or whispered something comforting to her.

But he had been paged, and after an apologetic goodbye, he had left her alone with George and Alex. Cristina had shown up several hours later, having spent most of the night in the hospital with Burke. And when the sun had begun to rise, Alex and George had been forced to head into the hospital for their shifts. Meredith hated the waiting; waiting for Izzy to get up, waiting for Derek to get home, waiting for something to happen. Anything.

Cristina appeared in the doorway to the kitchen and ambled across the bare floor to sit up, on the counter across the room. She had just come down from her latest shift in the bathroom. No one had ever vocalized it, but somewhere in the past hours, they had worked out a system where one of them went to check on Izzy every half hour. But, so far, the blond had not begun to get up, off the floor. And so, they were waiting.

Eventually, Meredith regretfully lifted her head and went back to making sandwiches. She needed to be doing something. The sitting around and waiting and doing nothing was killing her.

"Why are we making sandwiches, again?" Cristina asked.

Meredith glanced up at her best friend and then back down. "It's what you do when someone dies, you cook," she said absently. She didn't actually know what to do when someone died; she had never experienced it first hand. Her mother had cut all familial ties before any relatives had had a chance to die in Meredith lifetime, and had taught her daughter not to form emotional attachments. Meredith had never had anyone so close to her die before, but cooking seemed like the right thing to do.

Cristina picked up a magazine, but paused with it open across her chest, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know what to do when someone dies. I am a Jew. It's Shiva."

Meredith pursed her lips and halted her task. "Is it Shiva even if she's Catholic?" It felt good to be talking, regardless of the subject.

Cristina thought for a moment and then shrugged. "Well, Shiva is what I know how to do, so...yeah, it's Shiva. And if we're setting Shiva for Denny, then we should order in, because making sandwiches is not cooking."

"It's closer to cooking than ordering in," she countered.

Cristina glared at her.

"Come on, sandwiches are comfort food." She took a large bite to emphasize her point.

"What's wrong with you?"

Meredith swallowed hard, the bread in her mouth feeling like a lump of wet sand as it passed through her throat and oesophagus. "How can you be so...fine?"

"Excuse me?"

"Denny died. Burke got shot. Life can change in an instant. How can that not be getting to you?"

Her best friend shrugged. "Denny did die, but we did everything we could for him. He had his heparin, but he clotted anyway. There was no way to have saved him. And Burke got shot, but he's going to be fine." She paused, before continuing in an uncharacteristically supportive tone. "And Derek is fine, if that's what's on your mind."

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, wishing she wasn't so emotional all of a sudden. "I just can't handle any more change right now," she admitted. "Too much is changing. Too much is happening, too fast."

"Talking about the family thing again?"

"It's not just that. It's that suddenly I'm realizing that I'm in love, I'm living with Derek, planning on moving out with him when I'm done my internship, planning a future with him, flying across the country to meet his family...and it's only been eight months."

"So?"

"Doesn't that seem fast to you?"

Cristina shrugged. "I'm living with Burke, and we haven't been together as long as you and McDreamy."

"It seems fast to me."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course." And she really did.

"Do you have doubts about being with him?"

"No."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I..."

"See, you don't even have an answer for me. Who cares if it takes eight weeks or eight months or eight years to get to your point if it still feels the same?"

The tension that had been plaguing Meredith's chest for days seemed to lessen with Cristina's words. "I guess you're right. I just wish it would all just slow down a little. I feel like I'm trying to catch my breath, but can't ever quite do it."

"Nothing changed between you recently," Cristina pointed out. "Okay, so you officially moved in together last month, but it was unofficial for months before that. And the man totally loves you. It's pathetic, really."

Meredith cracked a smile. "You really think so?"

Cristina grumbled. "Please don't make me do the thing."

Meredith had to bite back a smile. She was so grateful that Cristina was here with her, helping with Izzy. If Derek had been shot, Meredith doubted she would be able to leave his side at the hospital. "Fine." She sighed. "I think it's the official stuff that scares me. Meeting his family means something. And it...leads to other things..."

"Like marriage?"

"Yeah..."

"Has he asked you?"

She shook her head. "No. He knows I'm nowhere near ready for that. And he's fine waiting for now. But one day..." She trailed off and shook her head. "How about you and Burke?"

Cristina shrugged. "Haven't talked about it, haven't thought about it. I'm not the marrying type. I assume he's the same."

"So, you're just going to continue exactly as you are?"

She shrugged again. "I guess; haven't really thought about it."

Meredith sighed and laid her head back down on the table. "I wish I could just stop thinking. I'm so tired..."

"Okay, let's talk about something lighter."

Without actually lifting her head off the table, Meredith twisted to meet her best friend's eyes. "Like what?"

"Anything. Tell me something." It was the first time that Meredith could see that Cristina was struggling too.

With only slight hesitation, Meredith lifted her head, a hint of a smile playing across her lips. "I, uh, lost my panties, last night..."

000

Cristina was upstairs, probably lying on the bathroom floor beside Izzy, when the doorbell rang. Meredith sighed and picked herself off the kitchen chair to head for the front hall. It was early afternoon, and the last remnants of her energy levels were draining by the hour. Izzy still hadn't picked herself up, off the floor. Derek hadn't come home yet, meaning, Meredith assumed, he had been pulled into an emergency surgery without a chance to call her first. And George and Alex were still working, leaving Meredith and Cristina as the only two to hold down the fort.

Cristina was being uncharacteristically helpful and supportive, and Meredith was grateful for it. She knew her best friend would always come through for them when she needed to. But she also knew that Burke was lying in a hospital bed and Cristina would need to leave eventually.

When Meredith pulled open the solid wooden door, she was surprised to recognize Callie's face peering out over twin bags of groceries. With memories of being caught by the older surgeon the previous evening at the front of her mind, Meredith cautiously opened the glass door.

"I brought food," Callie offered.

Meredith blinked, her mental processing speed lagging behind her auditory system. "Uh... George isn't here..."

"I know." She shook her head. "He's in a quarantine because of a thing... And I was off duty and worried about him and going crazy and thinking about Izzy, so I brought food."

Food was the first word Meredith processed fully. "For the Shiva."

Callie furrowed her brow, and stuttered slightly. "Are you going to let me in?"

Meredith sputtered as she stepped out of the way. "Yeah. Yeah, come in. Sorry, I'm..." She shook her head. "I'm exhausted."

Callie nodded in understanding and stepped into the front hall, sending Meredith a second glance. "And don't worry; I'm not going to mention it...the sex and the exam room...I'm not that girl."

Meredith felt her cheeks heat ever so slightly. "Thanks, Callie. I just...thanks. We've never done that before."

Callie regarded her for a long moment before nodding. "Okay."

She shook her head, and carefully took one the grocery bags. "No, I mean it. We've never even had sex in the hospital before, ever. I swear. Last night was just a...a thing. A new thing. Unplanned..."

"You're not seriously telling me you two have never used an on-call room?" Callie asked as she followed Meredith into the kitchen. "That's like a right of passage in a hospital..."

Meredith shook her head. "Never." She set her bag down on the table.

Callie followed suit. "How, I mean if you don't mind me asking, but how did you two first get together then?"

Meredith was taken aback. She had assumed her and Derek's first meeting was general knowledge. "Oh, we didn't even meet at the hospital. We met at Joe's...before either of us started. And we...didn't exactly talk about work..." She trailed off. "Wait, did you say quarantine?"

Callie's eyes widened, and it was the first time Meredith realized the older surgeon was trembling ever so slightly. "Yeah, I did. There was a couple with severe flu symptoms in a car accident. Turns out they had been in contact with the plague."

"Oh...Callie, I'm sorry. Do they know anything yet?"

"They're still running labs. I'm surprised no one called you."

"Why would someone call me? I mean, George is my roommate, but..." She trailed off as she met Callie's eyes, and she just knew. "Oh. Crap..."

Callie nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't realize you didn't know."

She felt her heart race. "Are they... I mean...are they...sick?"

"No, not as far as I've heard, at least."

Meredith nodded, blinking furiously as tears stung the backs of her eyes. Nothing more could change. Derek couldn't get sick. She needed him. He needed to be okay.

"Hey." Callie reached out and clutched to Meredith's upper arm. "Even if they do get sick, we'll have caught it super early. They'll be fine."

Meredith nodded again, thankful for the support. "I can't lose him," she whispered. She hadn't spent a lot of time talking with Callie before. And she wasn't one to share her feelings on a normal day, but she was completely drained, physically and emotionally. Denny had died. Izzy was crushed. Burke had been shot. Cristina was distracted. Alex and George weren't there. And Derek was the only thing keeping her going, just the thought of him being home soon. But now... "He said he'd be here. He said he'd always be here..."

"He will be." Callie squeezed her arm reassuringly before releasing her. "They'll both be fine."

Meredith met her eyes, recognizing worry that mirrored her own. "Okay. Okay..."

Soft footsteps entered the kitchen, revealing a surprised Cristina. She glanced questioningly between Meredith and Callie, taking in their sombre mood. "Okay, what did I miss?"

000

"I don't know what to say to you..." Meredith whispered, lying on the floor beside her roommate. She had long since given up trying to get Izzy off the floor. But every time she lay down beside her, her heart went out to the broken woman. She just didn't know what to do or say to make it any better. If it had been Derek who had died, and Meredith who was on the floor, she doubted there would be anything anyone could say or do to make it any better.

"I don't know what to say to me either," Izzy responded, her tone flat and low. At least she was speaking now. Only a handful of words had escaped her lips after she had laid herself down so many hours before. "When Dylan died...when the bomb went off...how did you feel?"

Meredith sighed, the memory of that horrible day only a little more than a month before rushing back. "It's not the same. We weren't...he wasn't..." _Like Derek and I._ If it had been Derek, she was pretty sure she would still be on the bathroom floor, unable to function. She forced her thoughts away from that area. Derek would be fine.

Izzy ploughed on. "But...when he died, did you feel...?"

"What?"

"Like you were moving in slow motion?"

Meredith breathed. "No. He was there, and then he wasn't; like I blinked and he was gone..."

Izzy shuddered. "I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast, and I just want to go back to when things were normal..."

Meredith wasn't touchy-feely. She had been raised to avoid as much physical contact as possible. And yet, right now, all she wanted to do was pull her roommate into a tight hug and tell her everything would be okay. But everything was not okay. Denny was dead. And this was the most Izzy had spoken to her in a day, so she had to let her keep going, even if it was hard to hear.

"When I wasn't poor Izzy," she continued, "Laying on the floor in her prom dress, with her... Her dead fiancé..." If it were possible, Izzy's complexion paled further. "But I am," she whispered, "So, I can't. And I'm just stuck. And there's all this pressure, because everyone is hovering around me, waiting for me to do something, or say something, or flip out, or yell, or cry some more. And I'm happy to play my part. I'm happy to say the lines and do whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable. But I don't... I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't... I don't know who this person is..."

"Izzy..." Meredith was overwhelmed with empathy for her roommate, unable to process or understand it.

"How did this happen? How did we end up here? Why am I alone? Where's Denny?"

Blinking back tears she hadn't realized to be pooling behind her eyes, Meredith reached out for Izzy's hand and addressed the only question she could begin to answer. "You are not alone, Iz," she told her firmly, grateful when her roommate squeezed tightly back, clutching to her like a lifeline. "And we're not trying to pressure you. We're not waiting for you to do anything. We're just hovering because we're worried...because we're your family, Iz. We love you. And we're not expecting you to do anything. You can stay on the floor as long as you need, and when you're ready, we'll be here for you. You are not alone," she repeated.

Izzy nodded, the expression in her eyes still heartbreaking. "Thank-you."

000

It was dark out when Derek left George in the front hall with Callie, shaking his head at the younger man's inability to say those three special words, as he searched out his own girlfriend. It had been a long, hard day. Derek had expected to be home hours earlier. And, although he had put on a calm face for George, he had been worried when the quarantine had stretched hours and hours into the day and evening.

The kitchen door was still swinging on its hinges from Callie's rushed exit. Derek caught it on a forward swing and pushed into the quiet room. His chest caught when he spotted Meredith's deflated form by the sink, washing up the dishes. He could tell by the way she held herself that she had been on her feet for far too long. Her rigid, hunched back and lowered head told him she was exhausted.

Padding carefully across the nearly silent room, he came up behind her, not pausing for a moment to wrap his arms around her small frame, pulling her back into his chest and burying his nose in her hair.

Her breath caught and damp hands left the sink to clutch onto his. "Derek..." She murmured.

He tightened his hold, stretching his arms as far around her waist as he could, trying to mould his body to hers. "I missed you," he whispered.

And suddenly she was crying. Gut wrenching sobs escaped her lips as her chest heaved within his arms. She turned in his embrace, her hands reaching over his shoulders to hook behind his neck so tight that he thought she may never let go.

Re-closing his arms around her in their new position, Derek buried his face against her shoulder and promised himself he would never let her go, that he would never push her away. He loved her. He needed her. He couldn't live without her.

"I thought...I thought..." She stammered through her tears, lifting her head away from him to meet his eyes.

"Hey, hey," he soothed, lifting his hands to cup her face, his thumbs tenderly brushing tears off her cheeks. "It was just a precaution. I'm fine."

"You're fine," she repeated, her chest hitching.

"I'm fine," he echoed.

She opened her mouth, but the only thing that came out was a muffled sob. New tears streamed from her eyes, faster than he could keep up with using his thumbs.

"I'm okay. We're okay," he told her quietly, his hand finding the back of her head and carefully pulling her face to the crook of his neck. "I love you so much."

Her breathing deepened dramatically, bordering on out-of-control. "Derek..." She sputtered. "Too much... I can't... I can't... I...can't..."

"You don't have to," he soothed, not even beginning to care about what the end of the sentence was. All he cared about was calming her down. "I'm here, Mer. I'm here."

She clutched wildly to him, her fingers turning white over the fistfuls of fabric in their clutches, and sank down against him as her legs began to give under the strain of her body. "Derek..." She cried.

Moving his hands to the sides of her waist, Derek lifted her to perch on the counter, before wrapping his arms around her small frame again and just holding her. "It's okay," he murmured into her ear. "It's going to be okay."

Her breathing evened ever so slightly as she hooked her legs around him, pulling him close. Their position mirrored that of the exam room the previous evening so much. But things were so very different now.

It was several minutes before the sobs began to dissipate, turning gradually into painful gasps, and then smaller and smaller hiccups. Her arms and legs remained around him, but her grip loosened. She was clutching to him for comfort now, not out of desperation. "It's not okay," she whispered finally.

"Hmm?" He splayed his hand across her back and ran it up and down her spine, keeping her calm.

"It's not okay," she repeated. "Denny died."

"I know..."

"Izzy's still on the floor. She's...she's...so broken..."

"I'm sorry." He had hoped they would have coaxed the blond off the floor, into different clothes and into bed by now.

"And she quit," Meredith continued, words flowing from her lips like they were escaping from a dam that had given way under millions of tons of water. And they probably were; she had probably been bottling all of this up, all day. She tended to do that, he knew. And he was good at reading her, at knowing when she was withholding. And he was good at listening when he convinced her to spill. But he hadn't been around today. He hadn't been around when she had needed him so much. "She's not coming back to the hospital. And she lost Denny. And Burke...Burke got shot."

"I know." He sighed and held her closer. She had needed him today. And he had needed her. too. His mother had been right when he had spoken to her that morning. He needed to be there for Meredith, but he needed comfort and support from her, too. Derek wasn't good at accepting help, and he was even worse at asking for it. But maybe, with Meredith, he could learn to do it. The feeling of her small hands clutching so tightly to him, and her arms wrapped around his neck, felt good, despite the horror of the past few days. It felt good despite the situation. The needed each other.

"And he may never operate again. And Cristina had to go back to be with him, because he's all alone. And the Chief made my dad go away..."

"Oh, Mer..."

"And you...you..."

"I'm fine, Mer."

She shook her head. "No. No. You spent all day in quarantine. You and George..."

"We're fine-"

"No!" She cried. "No. I can't... I...nothing else can change. I can't lose you, Derek. I can't-"

"Meredith!" He called firmly, breathing in relief when he finally got her attention. She blinked at him, but made no attempt to speak. Brushing his fingers across her face, he cleared the hair from her eyes so he could meet them evenly. "I am fine," he repeated once more. "George is fine. We were protected by masks and gloves in a very sterile area. And they kept us in quarantine as a precaution. And now we're out, because we're fine." He paused for a moment to let the words sink in. "And we're going to stay fine, okay?"

She swallowed, and breathing hard in his arms, nodded.

He offered her a small smile and pressed his lips against her nose. "Okay."

Still breathing hard as the adrenaline began to wear off, she bowed her head and leaned her forehead against his chin, trembling slightly. "I can't lose you," she whispered into his neck.

He pressed his hands against her back. "You won't," he promised. "I'm not going anywhere. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried."

"Good."

"Good," he echoed.

They fell into a comfortable silence for several minutes as Meredith's breathing slowly came back down to normal and her body stopped shaking.

"I love you, Derek," she finally whispered.

"I love you too, Meredith." He allowed himself a small smile, revelling in her closeness. Despite the past three days, despite the pain and the loss and the anguish, Derek found he could close his eyes and breathe her in and, even if it was just for a moment, everything would be okay. He had found that thing so many people spend their lives searching for. He had found _her_. "I've loved you forever," he murmured into her hair.

She lifted her head away from his and offered him a brave smile. "I'm sorry..."

He tilted his head. "For what?"

Her eyes flickered, but in the end, stayed on his. "I've never done that before...you know, the whole breaking down thing..."

The corners of his lips twitched before he leaned in and kissed her, soft and sweet. "You're allowed to not be strong some of the time, Mer."

"I know. But that was...very not strong. With crying. Lots of crying." She sighed and pulled at the damp fabric along his shoulder. "I even left a freaking puddle on you shirt."

Derek allowed himself a short laugh. "Trust me, Mer, that's far from a worry in my mind."

"Really?"

He smiled. "Absolutely."

"Thank-you, Derek, for..." She trailed off.

He kissed her again. "That's what I'm here for."

She was smiling softly when he pulled away, her eyes damp, but no longer shedding tears. She tilted her head, a habit he knew she had picked up from him, and her smile dropped a level in intensity as she narrowed her eyes. "You look... Are you okay?"

He wanted to nod and smile and kiss her breathless, and tell her everything was fine. He was fine. She was fine. They were fine. But he wasn't fine. His breathing hitched every so slightly. And then it hitched again. His fingers closed around the soft material of her shirt and he pressed his forehead against hers. "I will be," he mumbled truthfully.

Her arms closed around his neck again, but this time for him, and not for her. "But you're not now?"

He sighed against her. "I'm just..." He lifted his forehead away several inches so he could meet her eyes. "It's nothing that you don't know about; nothing you're not going through as well."

She smiled sadly, her hand brushing up his cheek reassuringly. "I didn't realize..."

His brow furrowed as he regarded her. "What?"

"That you were scared too," she completed. "You're always so...strong."

_I'm not scared_ was what he wanted to say. It was on the tip of his tongue. He wanted her to think he was strong. But...his mother's words echoed in the back of his brain and he nodded. Meredith was the one person in the world he never wanted to be distant from. "I am...scared," he admitted. "It scares me that I could lose you."

She sniffed and tightened her grasp on him. Her expressive eyes told him everything he needed to know. She recognized it was hard for him to be afraid. "It's okay to be scared, Derek," she told him quietly. And he believed her. A weight lifted off his shoulders at the honest tone in her voice; at the way her eyes may be sympathetic, but never lost the quality they always had when she looked at him. The special quality that was mixed with respect, compassion, love and admiration. He was still strong to her, was still the man she had fallen in love with. She still loved him just as much. "It's okay to not be strong all of the time," she said, repeating his earlier words.

With a tight throat, he nodded. "Thank-you."

Her fingers weaved through his hair and she pressed her lips against his.

He lost himself in her, revelling in the closeness and the comfort she offered.

"I'm so glad you're home," she mumbled into his chest when their lips broke apart.

"Me too, Mer," he whispered back. "Me too."

_**AN: He he he...I couldn't resist the call out to What I'm Here For. BTW, I've added chapter titles to most of the chapters, tagging them with the corresponding episodes or major events. It was taking me so long to find things when I went looking back to check things that I finally gave in.**_

_**So, that's my version of the season three premiere. I am so looking forward to writing season three now, as it will be such a different challenge than season two. They were apart in the real season two, and so I had to change some big plot lines. But they were together for most of season three, and so were 'together' for so many of the major plots. And yet, this version will be so much different... **_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	30. Spinning

_Meredith was spinning._

_Round and round and round she went, completely out of control; unable to stop, or even slow down, the nauseating, panic-filling, unending spinning._

_Her hair whipped widely around her face, blocking her view and stinging her eyes. But every time she unclenched her hands from the cool steel pole before her, she flailed to stay upright. Faster, and faster, and faster she went. Round and round and round. Every time she tried to get off, it went faster. Every time she tried to catch her breath, she felt like she was drowning in the air. _

_She tried to scream, but it came out as a whisper; any volume lost in the wind rushing by her at every rotation. She could see her mother by the fence away from the carousel, the story of her destruction playing out like a picture box, one frame every time the carousel turned. Meredith watched in horror as her mother was left alone, collapsed to the ground, and cried for her loss. Alone. Destroyed. Broken. Forever. _

_She tried to call out to her, tried to get off to help. But the carousel only spun faster. And her mother disappeared, lost into the wind._

_Izzy materialised on the horse in front of her. A great big, shiny black horse; a magnificent steed. She was wearing a long, pink wedding dress, her blonde hair trailing behind her in the breeze, complimenting the banner of black from her stallion's main and tail. Denny stood before her in a suit, a dark, empty hole in his chest where his heart should have been. Izzy held up a pair of scissors. "I'm going to save you," she said. "This is going to save you."_

_Denny stood before his fiancée, motionless, expressionless, waiting for her to save him._

_A line of string appeared suddenly across the carousel, dark and black and foreboding, and Izzy reached out towards it, the scissors glinting from a source of light she couldn't see. Meredith screamed at her to stop, but her voice was, once again, lost in the wind. The moment the string was cut, Denny's chest began to bleed and his form staggered._

_"It didn't work," he said, his voice monotone and cold. _

_"No!" Izzy called. "I can save you!" Her magnificent black stallion shrunk and paled underneath her until it was nothing more than a small, flea bitten grey pony, so short it left Izzy standing above it._

_Denny shook his head and stepped toward the edge of the carousel. And then, as if moving in slow motion, he stepped calmly off the edge. He moved slowly away from them for one, two, three rotations, before he, too, was gone forever into the wind._

_"Denny!" Izzy cried. "No!" She turned to Meredith, her wedding dress morphing into her prom dress; tattered and dark and hanging off her body. Her tiny grey pony was pulled away from her by the wind with a fearful whiny. "How did this happen?" She asked. "How did this happen!"_

_"I don't know," Meredith tried to tell her. "I'm sorry." _

_"I can't do this," Izzy called. "There's too much pressure. I need to move faster."_

_"No, Izzy, no. Hold on!" But it was too late, and Izzy fell off the carousel, never to be seen again._

_"No!" Meredith cried silently, left alone. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The carousel spun and spun, faster and faster._

_"It's okay," Derek's voice said suddenly, calm and soft despite the conditions around them._

_She turned her head to see him standing right beside her, holding out his hand. The carousel was spinning so fast, but he didn't seem to notice the speed. His perfect hair barely moved in the wind. "I'm here," he told her calmly. "Just take my hand and come with me."_

_Meredith wanted more than anything to take his hand and let him be the strong one, but her hands were stuck to the pole before her, unmoving. _

_"Meredith," he prompted. _

_"I-I can't," she cried. "I can't move." Her fingers ached, but she could not release them._

_"I'm not waiting forever, Meredith. Come with me now. Please."_

_"I'm trying to. I want to."_

_He shook his head and withdrew his hand. "I'm disappointed."_

_"No, I want you. I love you!"_

_He kept shaking his head as he backed away from her, towards the edge of the carousel._

_"No!" She screamed. "Don't leave me!"_

_"Nothing is forever," he whispered into the wind; but the words still reached her. He turned and stepped slowly off the edge. She watched in horror as it took six rotations for him to disappear completely. _

_"No. Derek! No!"_

"Meredith!"

She jolted upright, smacking a solid form. Her hands were finally free and she clutched onto a soft form as tightly as she could to keep from spinning. It was dark. She could feel her heart beating wildly against her chest. And, as she fought to catch her breath, she wondered vaguely how she had gotten off the carousel. There was movement beside her. Whatever it was that she had grasped onto was pulling away. She felt herself whimper and clutch tighter, not wanting to be left alone, not wanting to be left to the spinning and the wind.

But then there was light around her and she could see. Derek was beside her, turning back from the lamp on his side table, his eyes filled with concern.

In the time it took to take two breaths, Meredith realized where she was, and fell back onto her pillow, relieved to not be stuck on the carousel any longer. Her fingers released the fabric of Derek's tee shirt, trusting him to stay with her.

"Are you okay?" Derek followed her down, coming to rest beside her, but very close, one arm hooking over her front and the other propping up his head. His voice was gruff with sleep, but filled with genuine worry for her. And his eyes betrayed nothing but love and devotion.

She nodded to him. "It was a dream," she gasped. "Just a dream."

He nodded. "You were crying out loud enough to wake me."

"I'm sorry," she said quickly.

He offered her a sad smile. "That's not what I meant at all. I was worried, that's all." The fingers of his right hand lifted to tenderly wipe a few stray strands off her face, his fingertips running softly along her forehead before running through her hair to her shoulder.

"I'm okay."

"I'm glad." He cocked his head to the side. "You want to talk about it?"

She closed her eyes and shuddered, still able to feel the horrible spinning. "I couldn't get off. I was stuck."

His arm closed around her once more and he settled closer, his head propped up by his hand on the pillow next to her. "Stuck where?"

"On the carousel..." She whispered absently, and shuddered, her entire body quaking in his arms.

"Carousel?"

She nodded and carefully turned to face him. His hand lifted to cup the bottom of her cheek, and she smiled at the contact. "I was on a carousel," she told him, "When the Chief left my mother. I remembered it today...or, I think I always remembered it, but didn't really get it before..."

"You were there?" He asked sympathetically.

She nodded and allowed him to pull her onto his chest. She rested her head high on his shoulder, her nose pushed into the crook of his neck, and she stayed silent for several moments.

"She took me to the park. She was nervous," she stated, reliving the memory of so long ago. She had only been five years old. "She waited until he got there, and then she put me on the carousel, onto a big red horse. And they fought. I didn't understand..."

"You were too young to."

"I watched her beg for him to stay. She begged, Derek. Begged. Cried. Screamed for him. Grabbed at him until he pushed her away. And he left her there. I was stuck on the horse, strapped on so I couldn't fall. The carousel stopped, and I could see her, collapsed on the ground, crying. She didn't come to get me. And then it started again. I guess they didn't notice me still on or whatever. It must have been five rides before they got me off, and sent me to the exit." Her chest hitched and she took comfort in Derek's warm breath against her hair. "She seemed surprised to see me there. And she stood up, wiped her face and dragged me across the park to the car. She was going so fast...I could barely keep up...I had to run..."

"Oh, Meredith, I'm so sorry..."

She clutched at a fistful of the soft cotton shirt across his chest. "I didn't realize until now..."

"He was a bastard for doing that to your mother. And a coward for doing it when he did, in front of you."

"She was never the same after..."

He sighed and stayed his hands against her back. "Is that what you dreamed about?"

"Sort of. It started like that, but then Izzy and Denny were on the carousel. But they fell off. And I was stuck. It was going so fast. And then you were there..."

"And?"

Meredith squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold onto the fleeting memory. "You told me to take your hand, but I couldn't move. My hands were stuck. And then you said...you said..." Meredith scrunched her brow and racked her mind, trying to remember. "You wouldn't wait. And you got off. And then it was spinning faster and faster..."

"You're not spinning anymore, Meredith." It may have been an obvious thing to say, but with his soft tone and loving gaze she felt immense comfort.

"It feels a bit like I am," she breathed.

He shifted under her and reached for her hand, holding tight. "I'll always wait for you, Mer."

She nodded against his chest and concentrated on breathing in his comforting scent.

"Do you think you can get some more sleep?" It had been close to midnight when Meredith had gotten Izzy off the floor, changed into pajamas and then into bed. Her roommate had been so drained that she had fallen asleep quickly. And Callie had been on call, so George had offered to sleep in Izzy's room in case she awoke and needed someone. Meredith would have slept there if she had to, but she was more than grateful at the opportunity to fall asleep in Derek's strong arms. It would have been the third night in a row she had spent without him.

She sighed. "What time is it?"

Derek shifted to glance at the alarm clock. "Almost five."

"I think so," she said quietly, burrowing into his chest. George needs to go in at eight. But I'm off today because- Crap!" She sat upright, pulling violently away from him.

He followed her immediately, reaching for her hands as he tried to stay her movement.

Meredith shook her head and avoided his reaching fingers as she jumped off the bed. "Crap. Crap, crap, crap." She couldn't believe she had forgotten. It was five. They only had five hours. But... "Crap, Derek. I... It... Five hours. I haven't... You haven't... and I'm not...ready... And Izzy... We can't leave her... But... What are we going to do?" She paced back and forth along the hardwood floor, not beginning to know what to do first.

Derek quickly gave up trying to catch her, and sat on the edge of their bed, his eyes training her movement back and forth, as if he were watching a tennis match. "Mer, sweetie, I love you. But it's five in the morning. I've had about four hours of sleep in the past three days. So, you're going to have to let me in on what's got you freaking out. Then maybe I can help..."

She stopped dead in front of him, wondering how he could be so calm, wondering how he could have forgotten. He had been so excited to introduce her. She couldn't ask him to give that up. "We're supposed to be leaving in five hours, Derek. Ten. Our flight is at ten. We need to pack. And...Izzy...what do I do about Izzy? I can't just leave her here. There's no one else if George goes in... I know it's only three days, but still... People have to work. And Cristina will be with Burke. And Alex is...Alex. And we can't just leave her here-"

Derek was standing before her suddenly, clutching firmly to her upper arms. She wondered how long he had been trying to get her attention. "Meredith," he said firmly. "Relax. I called yesterday and cancelled."

"You...cancelled?" The world around her stopped spinning and she just...stopped with it. Silent. Breathing. Waiting.

He nodded and backed up, taking her with him, until he collapsed onto the bed and pulled her into his lap. "I called mom yesterday and told her what happened. And then I called the airline and cancelled our tickets."

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief; both for not having to rush and leave Izzy now, and for having more time to get used to the idea of meeting his family. "We're not going..."

He shook his head. "Not today."

"Okay, good. I mean, not good, because I know you were looking forward to this, but..."

"I understood what you meant."

"I am sorry, Derek. I know you miss your family."

He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "It's fine. We need to be here for Izzy."

"You sure?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Of course. We can reschedule for next month."

She breathed freely, trusting that he was telling the truth, that he really was okay with this. And now she had another full month to get used to the idea, another month's worth of time to be ready. Relief coursed through her body. "Thank-you."

He kissed her again. "Not a problem. Now, are you up to getting some more sleep?"

With a yawn trapped in the back of her throat, Meredith nodded. "Absolutely."

Derek smiled and moved up the bed, pulling her with him, before covering them both with the covers. It was warm and safe tucked up against him under the soft duvet. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"No more nightmares," he whispered into her hair, his soft breath tickling her forehead. "Only sweet dreams now..."

"Hmm..." She murmured in response. He was there and he was holding her, keeping her safe. Keeping her from spinning. A smile graced her lips as she drifted to sleep knowing there would be no more nightmares tonight.

000

When Meredith awoke again, it was in response to sunlight encroaching on her eyes. She blinked groggily and lifted her head from Derek's steadily rising chest to check on the time. To her surprise, it was almost noon. As surgeons, they rarely slept this late, but after so many days of little to no sleep, and far too much emotional turmoil, their bodies had obviously needed it.

She groaned and rolled away from the warm form under her, silently chastising herself for sleeping so late. The floor was cool beneath her bare feet as she padded across the room and out the door. She got half-way to Izzy's room when she paused, sniffing the air. It almost smelled like... Was someone baking?

When Izzy's bed was vacant and cold, Meredith chastised herself again for having left her roommate to her own devices for so long. And the sight that greeted her in the kitchen was of no great surprise.

Izzy stood at the counter, decked out in a full length apron, stirring a large wooden spoon round and round a glass bowl filled with ingredients Meredith couldn't begin to name. The smell was stronger down here, contributed to by the various items in the oven, and by the array of muffins around the kitchen. Plates of different flavours sat on every surface; table, counter, stove, top of the fridge.

"Iz," Meredith called gently. "You doing okay?"

"Hey," Izzy called back, her voice lacking affect, but relatively normal in tone and volume. "Do you want a muffin?"

Meredith blinked. This was definitely not the situation she had expected to find this morning. Tears. Anger. Refusing to get out of bed. Alcohol. Ice cream. Any of these would have been accepted with out a blink of an eye. Muffins, however, hadn't been anywhere on her radar. "I... Are you sure you won't miss one?"

"Of course not, I have plenty," Izzy responded, her attention shifting back to her bowl for a minute. "Oh," she said suddenly, lifting her head again. "That was a joke. Ha ha," she laughed, low and stilted. "But seriously, have a muffin."

"Okay." She reached for one with chocolate chips and hesitantly sat at the table. "How long have you been up?"

Izzy shrugged and began to pour her mixture into a fresh muffin tin. "Since George got up."

"Did you get much sleep?"

"Enough."

"Iz..."

Izzy's eyes came up from the table, meeting Meredith's with a cautious, wobbly gaze. "Just...please...don't. I don't want to talk."

"Okay," Meredith said simply. Izzy hadn't snapped. She wasn't pretending nothing had happened; she just needed to avoid reality for a while. And Meredith could definitely relate to that. "Okay," she repeated. "Do you want some privacy, or..."

"You can go back upstairs," Izzy said quickly. "I'm fine down here."

"Okay," she stood. "Just, if you need anything-"

"Meredith."

"I know. I know you don't want to talk. But if you need me, please come and get me, for my own peace of mind? Please?"

Izzy exhaled. "Okay."

"Good."

000

Meredith made her way back up the stairs to her and Derek's room, and quietly pushed open the door in time to see Derek looking up in bed, blinking groggily in her direction. "Where'd you go?" He asked, his voice husky from unshed sleep.

She crawled up the bed to him and collapsed against his chest, the covers separating her from his warmth. "I just went to check on Izzy."

His hand found the small of her back and rested there. "How is she?"

Meredith sighed and propped her chin up on the back of her hand to meet his eyes. "She's baking; muffins. Is that okay? She said she was okay, and that she was fine by herself, but do you think she is?"

His hand moved in a lopsided circle over her back as he contemplated. "I think so. We'll keep an eye on her, but maybe she just needs to do something comfortable and familiar."

She pressed her face into his chest and breathed. His words brought so much comfort to her. If he thought it was okay, then it was okay. If he was around, things would be okay. "I'm so glad you're here."

With both palms splayed against her spine, he held her tightly to him. "Me too."

"She was so devastated yesterday..." Meredith didn't even want to consider what she would have woken up like if Derek hadn't come home the previous day.

"I know."

"I can't..."

He shifted underneath her. "What?"

She lifted her head to meet his eyes once more. "I can't lose you," she whispered.

He shook his head. "You won't."

Meredith sniffed, despite herself. "Promise me," she demanded with a sudden surge of need. Urgent. Overwhelming. "Promise you'll never leave me."

"I promise." There was no hesitation in his voice.

She sniffed again and lost herself in his eyes.

"Meredith," he prompted, his voice deeper than she was used to. His eyes pulled her in and captured her, holding her gaze prisoner. "Promise me too."

She nodded. "I promise."

Pulling her closer, he pressed his lips against hers with a sudden urgency of his own. She responded immediately, pressing herself closer to him as he turned so they were side by side, limbs intertwined as he kissed her breathless.

"Izzy..." she gasped when he finally broke away. "She's downstairs... I told her to get me if she needed anything..."

"Meredith..."

"We can't just..."

"Meredith."

"What if she..."

He pecked her lips to cease her words. "I need you," he whispered.

Meredith shuddered under the intensity of his gaze. "I need you too," she admitted.

He kissed her again and she lost herself in him and the way he made her feel. They both needed this.

000

Izzy had, thankfully, not brought herself to climb the stairs and go searching for her roommates. After Meredith and Derek had taken comfort in each other, they had showered together and dressed. And when, in mid afternoon, their stomachs began to growl, they made their way cautiously down to the kitchen to find places to sit amid the muffins.

While she was not vocally thankful, Izzy did seem grateful to have some company. With only slight pressure, they convinced her to sit with them and share a late lunch of muffins and leftovers from the previous day's quasi-Jewish dead-honouring ceremony. The conversation was stilted, with Meredith and Derek cautious in what they chose to bring up. Izzy was subdued, but willing to answer questions with at least a single word or a nod. She was still devastated and shocked, but slowly coming out of her shell, slowly opening up and allowing comfort.

When they had finished their meal, Izzy hurried to get back to her baking. It was her therapy. And after exchanging a look, Meredith and Derek silently agreed to let her be. This was obviously what she needed to do.

"I just don't know what to say to her," Meredith complained as she flopped onto their bed.

"When the time is right, you will," Derek told her as he closed the door behind them.

Meredith turned onto her back to meet his eyes. "How do you always know these things?"

A hint of a smile played out along the corner of his mouth. "It's a talent."

She smiled back. "Seriously, Derek."

He sighed and lowered himself onto the bed next to her. She turned to face him and reached for his hand. His fingers weaved themselves through his and squeezed reassuringly. "I just do," he admitted. "And you do too. You know what to say to me."

"But that's different."

"How?"

She sighed. "So many crappy things keep happening to me and around me, and you always know exactly what to say and do to comfort me. And I feel..."

"What?" He prompted, impatient to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling.

She swallowed hard and met his gaze. "I don't always feel like I'm enough for you," she admitted.

His lips parted and a small gush of air escaped in a disappointed hiss. "Mer..."

Her eyes watered, but no tears fell. "It's not... I mean, in some aspects, most, I feel like I'm enough. But sometimes...I just don't feel like I'll ever measure up. I don't know what I would say to you if you ever needed it. And I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry in advance. Because one day you'll need me, and I won't be enough. I'm sorry, Derek, because I want to be enough for you. I want to be there for you like you are for me."

"Oh, Mer..." He squeezed her hand tightly in his. The memory of looking down to see her crying as they made love only weeks ago came rushing back. He could remember how keen she had been to be there for him, despite her own pain. And, with sudden clarity, he could remember how disappointed she had been in herself that she had been unable to comfort him, unable to be _enough_. His heart clenched as he realized she believed she had failed.

Derek was a strong man, a strong person. He didn't like to depend on other people. And he didn't like to be seen as needing, as weak. But she had told him it was okay to not be strong all the time, and she had still been looking at him the way he needed her to. And the last few days had been a horrendous challenge, during which just the thought of her had been what got him through at times. The thought of her. Or her touch. Or the smell of her hair. Or the feel of her lips on his. Or her gentle words. Or her quiet smile.

She had been everything he needed.

She _was_ everything he needed.

Shuffling closer, he pressed his lips against hers in a comforting, lazy fashion. There was no urgency behind his move. He was not looking to initiate anything. He was only looking to prove something to her. "You're perfect," he whispered when he pulled away. "You are absolutely perfect. And you're here. You've done everything and said everything and been everything that I've needed you to."

"But-"

He shook his head. "You're perfect," he repeated. "You are absolutely enough for me. And one day something will happen, and I will need you, and I know you'll be there. And you'll know exactly what to say. And you'll get me through."

"I didn't no what to say to Izzy," she whispered harshly. "I even told her that."

"Sometimes that helps to hear. Sometimes there is no 'right' thing to say, Meredith. But you were there, and she knew you were trying. And sometimes that's all you can do. And that's enough."

She swallowed hard and nodded. And when she spoke again, her voice was deep and raspy. "There you go, doing it again."

He narrowed his eyes. "What?"

She cracked a smile. "Knowing exactly what to say."

A chuckle escaped his lips. And then a full blown laugh. She laughed to. They laughed together. And it felt good to laugh.

"You're perfect," he whispered when he had finally regained control of his breathing. His torso still twitched slightly, but he had calmed for the most part.

She blinked against the tears that had pooled in her eyes during their reprieve. "You really think so, don't you?"

The openness and vulnerability behind her eyes took him aback. He doubted he had ever seen her walls down this far before. "I do," he murmured.

Her smile could have lit up the city. "I think you're perfect too."

He smirked. "Of course I am. I _am_ McDreamy, you know."

And then they were laughing again.

_**AN: Hmmm...so this chapter ended far, far, far from where it was supposed to...I'm going to have to revise my plan for the next few chapters, but it was worth it. This was also my first foray into writing a dream sequence, so I hope it made sense.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	31. First Fight

Derek slammed his car door and strode angrily towards the front doors of the hospital. Technically he was still off for several more days, but suddenly found the hospital as his only reprieve. He needed to be doing something constructive right now. And he wasn't above stealing a surgery, any surgery, from another neurosurgeon if he had to. That was the benefit of being a department head.

The walk across the parking lot was over before he knew it, leaving Derek to face off with the glass, double doors. The doors lost as they too were slammed around. He skipped the coffee cart; he did not need an influx of caffeine mixing with the adrenaline still pumping through his system from his argument with Meredith twenty minutes ago.

He couldn't believe her. He couldn't believe she had said what she had and expected him to be okay with it.

Scowling to himself, Derek punched at the red button to call the elevator. The bell dinged immediately and he stepped on, ignoring the other people riding with him. And when the car brought him up to the surgical floor, he continued to ignore those he passed as he strode towards the OR board, far from his regular, friendly self.

Nothing. Not one neurosurgery on the board. And not one scheduled for later. The board was surprisingly empty; only a few emergencies listed. He glanced down the hallway beside him, noting how empty and quiet it was. It was then that it hit him.

Sunday. It was Sunday. There were no scheduled surgeries.

Now what was he going to do?

And angry groan escaped his lips, and he pounded his open hand against the wall. It felt good, so he did it again.

"You better be careful the Chief doesn't catch you doing that," a very familiar voice called from behind him. "I don't think he's left the hospital in three days, so he's around."

Derek turned to face Miranda Bailey. Her voice may sound relatively normal, but she looked exhausted. Dark circles were indented under her eyes. Her expression was damper and sad. She looked...a little how he felt.

"Derek?" She questioned, her tired voice filled with concern, when he did not speak.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

She furrowed her brow, but repeated her statement. "I just said to make sure the Chief doesn't catch you doing that to your hands. You'll be in for an earful."

Derek scoffed. "Yeah, well, let him try. I have an earful for him." Anger swelled in his gut as he remembered Meredith's broken expression as she told him about the carousel the previous morning. And that had been after he had woken to find her twitching and crying in her sleep. And that had been after she had cried herself to sleep in his arms. After Izzy had finally gotten off the floor. After Meredith had finally cracked and broken down. After he and George had been quarantined. After Denny had died. After Meredith had risked her career for her roommate. After Burke had been shot and Derek had been forced to perform an intricate operation on a co-worker...

Bailey blinked twice, taken aback by the forcefulness of his words. "Why are you here?" She ventured.

Derek barely noticed that her voice had lost the confidence he had been so used to from his favourite resident. "I could ask you the same thing..."

Her lips curled upwards ever so slightly. "But I asked you first."

A hiss of air escaped his lips in the form of an annoyed sigh. "I just needed to get away."

She nodded in understanding. "How...how bad is it at home?"

He shrugged. "Fine until this morning." It had been fine until Meredith had opened up about an hour before.

"And how bad is it now?"

Derek shook his head. "I don't even know what to think. I'm angry. And I'm disappointed. And I... She can't just say something like that and expect me to be okay with it."

"That's not fair, Derek. It's only been three days."

"What are you..." Izzy. She thought they were talking about Izzy. He exhaled, forcing an angry breath from his lungs. Of course Miranda would be concerned for Izzy. Izzy was her intern; her fallen intern. "Izzy's doing okay," he told her.

"But you..." She trailed off quickly. "Oh, you weren't talking about her."

He shook his head. "No."

"But Izzy is okay?"

Derek nodded. "She is. She's been baking a lot, but she seems to be dealing."

Bailey sniffed. "Good."

He sighed and tilted his head, reaching a hand out to grip the resident's forearm. "Are you okay?"

For a moment she didn't speak or move or look up at him. For a moment she allowed his comfort. And then she shrugged her arm out of his grasp and glared up at him. "So, tell me why you've picked a fight with your girlfriend?"

He was taken aback. "I didn't-"

"Then why are you here, punching walls, when you should be at home with her? Wait, aren't you two supposed to be in New York right now?"

He nodded. "Yes, we are." The anger stewed once more.

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "But you couldn't go because of Izzy..."

"Well, yes..." That had been why he had called off the trip. "But that's not the point." She should have wanted to go. She should have been disappointed that they would have to wait. But she hadn't been. She'd been relieved.

_She had collapsed beside him in bed after having checked on their ever-baking roommate._

_"How is she this morning?"_

_She pulled herself closer so that she was resting her head on his shoulder, her left arm strewn across his chest. "Okay. Though, I'm not sure if she's slept. She said she took a break overnight. But there are a ton more muffins today than there were yesterday..."_

_He chuckled. "She'll stop when she's ready."_

_She nodded against him. "I know. I just..."_

_"What?"_

_She picked at the fabric of his tee short with her fingers. "I just wish I could do something for her."_

_"You are," he assured her._

_She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Do you think so?"_

_He nodded and kissed her. "I know so. She knows you're here for her, Mer. And, trust me, that's all she needs right now."_

_"Thank-you." She smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him this time._

_"You are very welcome."_

_She resettled against his chest and was silent for several moments. "Derek," she finally ventured. _

_"Hmm?"_

_"Can I tell you something?"_

_He ran his hand up her back to rest between her shoulder blades. "You can tell me anything."_

_She sighed heavily and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I, uh, I'm sorry that we couldn't go to New York this weekend. I'm sorry you couldn't see your family, because I know how much you miss them..." She trailed off and returned her head to his shoulder. "But...I think I'm kind of glad, too..."_

_His breathing caught. "You're glad?"_

_She nodded subtly against him. "I'm glad that I have more time now. It was starting to feel really fast."_

_"Excuse me?" He demanded, forcing her off of him as he sat up. _

_Her eyes were wide when she met his gaze again and struggled into an upright position beside him. "It's not a bad thing, Derek. I'm not... I do want to meet them one day...soon...but I'm grateful for getting more time."_

_With a scoff in her direction, Derek leapt off the bed. "It's been eight months, Meredith. That's plenty of time."_

_She sputtered as she sat up on the bed, facing him. "I'm not saying I wouldn't have gone, Derek. I was willing to go-"_

_"Just not happy about it."_

_"No, that's not what I'm saying-"_

_"Then what are you saying?"_

_"Please, Derek, don't be mad. Just, come and sit, please." She beckoned to him, but he shook his head and crossed his arms, waiting to hear her out. She sighed heavily. "I was willing to go, Derek. But it's scary. And I think another month will be good..."_

_"Why not make it two months then," he shot at her. "Or three..."_

_"Derek-"_

_"Or, how about a year?"_

_"Derek, come on."_

_"Or, how about never? Is that what you want?"_

_Silence fell as she clamped her mouth shut and tears formed in her eyes. _

_He breathed heavily, his chest hitching with every forced intake. _

_"I would have gone this weekend..." She finally whispered._

_"But not happily," he countered._

_"I can't promise you I'll ever be 'happy' about it, Derek. But I was starting to feel a little rushed. And I'm grateful for the opportunity for another month. Because it's a big step. And it's scary."_

_"But it shouldn't be scary. And it's a step we're ready for. Hell, we should be in New York right now. You would have met everyone by now, and you'd see that it was fine."_

_"It's only been eight months, Derek."_

_"That's plenty of time! I've waited. I told you I would have taken you home before Christmas. I love you, Meredith. When are you going to start believing that?"_

_"I do believe it!" She finally raised her voice to meet his. "And I'm sorry that I'm, apparently, not worth waiting for. But I didn't grow up like you. And this is scary for me."_

_"Don't play that card. My family will love you."_

_"That's easy for you to say."_

_"What is that supposed to mean?"_

_"It means I don't have a family for you to meet, Derek. You, Izzy, Cristina, George and Alex. You're all I have. You're all I have in the world, okay? So, excuse me if the idea of flying across the freaking country to be judged by your entire freaking family for three freaking days is not topping the list of things I want to do!"_

_A million things pressed the backs of his lips, trying to come out. But Derek clamped his mouth shut and shook his head. If he continued this now, he would surely say something he didn't mean. "I can't deal with this now," he muttered._

_"What is that supposed to mean?"_

_"It means I have to go." He stormed over to his dresser and pulled out a set of clothes._

_She watched silently as he dressed, her moist eyes threatening to spill over. He loved her, and he wanted to comfort her, but right now he knew he needed to get away. Once he was dressed, he grabbed his cell and pager off his side table and shoved them in his bag._

_He slammed the door on his way out of the room._

"What is the point, then?" Bailey asked, pulling him from his memory.

Derek sighed. What was he supposed to say? My girlfriend told me she didn't really want to go to New York with me to meet my family. We had to cancel regardless, but I still have a right to be pissed off. I've promised my life to her, and she's still not ready to make a commitment. He knew none of them would fly with the formidable resident before him. "It's been a long week," he offered as explanation.

"Derek."

"She didn't want to go."

"Meredith?"

He shook his head. "I thought everything was fine. I thought we were moving in the right direction."

"So, she called off the trip?"

"Well, no. I cancelled before I even talked to her. I knew she'd have to stay with Izzy."

"I'm still not seeing a reason for you to be beating up hospital walls when you should be at home with your girlfriend."

"She didn't _want_ to go."

"So?"

He was taken aback. "So?" He echoed. "So...she should want to go."

"That's a weak argument, Shepherd. So, let me tell you something. I've been married for ten years. My husband and I have a good marriage and a wonderful son. But trust me, I never _want_ to go and see my in-laws."

He cracked a smile. "That bad?"

She nodded. "But we're talking about you."

He sighed. "I have an amazing family. She'll be welcomed."

"Does she know that?"

"Of course she does. I've told her a hundred times."

It was Bailey's turn to reach across the expanse of space between them to grip onto his forearm. "But does she really _know_ that, Derek? Because you and I both know what that girl comes from."

_I don't have a family for you to meet._

"I know," he agreed. "But I want to give her a family. I want to share my family with her. And I can't do that if she won't give it a try."

Bailey pursed her lips and released her hold on his arm. "In my opinion, Derek, you're standing on weak ground. Didn't you just tell me that girl was prepared to go with you anyway?"

"Well, yes," he stumbled, "But that's not the point."

She held up a hand. "_That_, Derek, is exactly the point." And with that, she turned on her heel and strode down the hall, leaving Derek to stew alone.

With a sigh, he turned the opposite direction and headed for his office.

000

Hours later, Derek sat at his desk, spinning his cell phone around and around on the smooth surface before him as he stared at the still, green eyes looking out from the frame before him. He had tried lying the frame face down while he worked, but he needed to be able to see her. And now...he wanted to hear her voice.

So he was spinning his cell phone.

She was the first speed dial number in his menu. And he had lost count of the number of times he had punched in the one but hesitated over the send button. He had overreacted, he knew. And he had yelled and she hadn't deserved that. But really...he had a right to be upset. Still, though, he needed to apologize. And he really needed to hear her voice. It had been a long, stressful week. And he needed her; that would never change.

But he couldn't bring himself to call.

He had a wonderful family, one he wanted to share with her. She had never had what he had, but she deserved it. She deserved to feel a part of something. And he would give that to her. He loved her, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind that she was the woman he would spend the rest of his life with. And he didn't mind waiting for her to be ready, he really didn't. But he had thought she was ready. She should be ready for something so small as meeting his family.

If she could tell him she loved him, and promise to never leave him, and promise to be there through anything that would come their way, then why couldn't she meet his family? Why couldn't she want to do that? If she was really prepared to spend her life with him, then why was it such an issue? His mother would nitpick a bit, wanting to know every little thing about her, but not in an aggressive way. Meredith would be accepted. His sisters would wait for their mother to finish, and then they would step in for their own information. The brothers-in-law would be sent in to confirm things. And his stepfather would offer smiles of support and wry jokes, knowing you just had to live through the process.

His cell came to a stop in front of him and he picked it up, once again punching in the one button. And once again, his finger paused over the send button, and he flipped it shut.

"Shit," he whispered to himself, tossing his phone to the back of his desk. He buried his face in his hands and sighed heavily. He had to go home soon; he would just wait to talk to her in person.

A knock at the door interrupted his sulking and he looked up. "Come in."

The door creaked open, revealing the person Derek most did not want to deal with right now.

Richard Webber, however, wanted to talk to Derek. "Shep," he greeted rather sociable, shutting the door behind him. "Bailey told me you were here. Thought I'd see if you'd left yet."

Derek sighed as Richard plopped himself down into the chair opposite his desk. "Just came in to get some work done," he said noncommittally.

"Good for you. I, uh, wanted to ask how things were at home. How is Doctor Stevens doing? You and Grey live with her, right?"

Derek blinked. "She's doing fine."

Richard leaned closer to the desk. "Really, Derek, how is she? Has she talked much yet? Said anything important? Is she dealing well? Because-"

"Chief, no offence, but this is hardly your business."

Richard sat back a bit. "She was an intern in my hospital. That sounds like my business to me."

"As far as I know, Doctor Isobel Stevens quit, meaning you no longer get to make any of her life your business."

"Derek, come on, between us, I just want to know-"

"Well, I'm sorry, _sir_, but you don't get to know. Not from me."

"She was your intern too."

"At work," Derek countered. "But at home, she's my roommate, who just lost her fiancé, and deserves her privacy. So, let's try and maintain some professional boundaries."

"Derek, I am quite capable of maintaining professional boundaries-"

"Oh, really?" Derek cut him off. "Because that's news to me."

"Might I remind you that I am your Chief of Surgery?"

Derek scoffed, and suddenly all of the anger and emotion he had bottled up for a week pushed outward at once and would not be held back anymore. And the Chief was a much better, and more culpable, person to be subject to it than Meredith. "That's how you use your so called professional boundaries. When someone catches you in something, or you're uncomfortable, you use the Chief card. But seriously, Richard, do you expect me to be afraid of you? I can get a job anywhere. And I'm sure as hell not here for the money. So, you do not get to come into _my_ office and demand that I speak about my _roommate_ and how she is dealing with the loss of her fiancé. Okay?"

Richard said nothing and Derek seethed. "Now, about these so called professional boundaries that you're so good at keeping? I sold my practice and moved across the country with the promise of being Chief. Then I get here and find out that I'm not the only candidate you promised the job to. And then, after I change my schedule around to operate on you, you go and choose Burke to step in as interim chief." Derek broke off with a stilted laugh. "And all because you disapproved of my relationship, when Burke was doing the exact same thing as me."

"That may be true, Derek. And in retrospect, I am sorry. But I was not aware of Dr. Burke and Dr. Yang's relationship at that time."

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Of course."

Derek scoffed. "Really? Because I've been dealing with a hell of a lot more crap than Dr. Burke had in the past months. And you know what, I finally found out why. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I didn't come to you. It has nothing to do with how committed you think I am to my relationship. It has everything to do with _which_ intern I fell in love with."

Richard's eyes widened and Derek took joy in knowing how much he had over the other man.

"Ellis Grey, huh? You screwed her, and then you screwed her over."

"Derek-"

"You treated me like crap for months, and then you sat beside me and told me you had had an affair, but not with whom. And this whole time, you've treated me differently because you had an affair with Meredith's mother."

"Meredith told you?"

"Of course she did."

"She shouldn't have told you..."

Derek seethed at this. "Excuse me?"

"All of that happened a long time ago. And Meredith and I had a conversation that should have been private."

"Meredith and I don't keep secrets from each other. And that's a pretty big one, don't you think? She had every right to tell me."

"It wasn't what you think, Derek."

"You told me it lasted your entire residency."

"Well, it did..."

"Did you know she was married?"

"...yes."

"Did she know you were married?"

Richard sighed. "Yes."

"So, tell me what you seem to think it was? Because it sounds a hell of a lot like an affair to me."

"I loved her, Derek. You know how it is-"

"Don't you dare," Derek spat back. "Don't you dare compare that to me! My marriage was over when I came out here. I met Meredith and fell in love with her. Addison and I finalized the divorce. The end. Meredith was never an affair."

"You were still married."

"I was separated. There's a big difference."

"Fine. But it still wasn't as bad as you think. I loved her. And for a while, I thought we could make it work. But...I knew I couldn't make her happy, not like she deserved. So, I let her go, because I loved her that much."

Derek blinked. And then he blinked again. And then again. And then he laughed. "That's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard. You think breaking her heart made her happy? You think that woman has been happy in the last twenty years?"

"It was for the best."

"For you."

"Derek."

"No." He shook his head. "At least be a man about it. You made the best decision for you."

"I wanted to make the right decision for everyone."

"Well, who's happy now? I heard Adele left you. So, you're alone. Adele's alone. Ellis is alone. And Meredith grew up alone."

"She didn't grow up alone..."

"You think Ellis Grey gave a crap about her daughter? Do you think she was ever around? If I told you half of what Mer has told me, you'd be horrified. She cut all ties, Richard, did you know that? Meredith never saw a single member of her family again, including her father. Ellis dragged her across the country, and promptly ignored her until she left the house. And then, when she got sick, Meredith was the only one she could call."

"It's not my fault Ellis got sick."

Derek ignored him. "And you broke up with her right in front of Meredith. How do you do something like that? How do you break up with a woman, who you've made to leave their husband, in front of their five year old daughter?"

Richard sighed and at least had the decency to look sorry. "She remembers that?"

"Of course she remembers it. It was a turning point in her life; probably the last time Ellis ever took her anywhere or did anything with her."

He sighed again. "How bad was her childhood?"

Derek scoffed. "What childhood?" She didn't have a father. She barely had a mother. No siblings, like he did. No pets. No holidays. No fun. No... Derek paused in his thought process as his mind spun. She hadn't had anything he had had. She didn't have the experiences. And she didn't know enough about them to even know what she had missed. He swallowed hard and inwardly chastised himself. Of course she would be scared. She had every reason to be afraid, because she honestly had no idea what she was walking into.

And she had been willing to go with him anyway. Because she loved him. Because she _trusted_ him.

And he had let her down.

"Derek?"

He shot his eyes up to meet Richard's all the anger he had focussed on the other man turned on himself. "Sorry, what?"

"What did Ellis do to her as a child?"

Derek blinked. Okay, most of his anger was turned. Some of it was still geared towards the other man. "Crossing the line again, Richard."

"Derek..."

He shook his head. "No. Because that would be telling you something my girlfriend told me in confidence."

"But-"

"You have to deal with the ramifications of your actions, Richard. You made your choice. And you don't get a say or a listen in her life."

"I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt."

"But people did." Derek shook his head and stood, motioning that he would need to get going soon. "Now, I'd appreciate it if we kept our relationship professional at work, from now on, Chief. And I expect to be treated the same as Doctor Burke from now on. Or I will file a complaint; because this has gone on long enough. I have done nothing wrong."

"I'm sorry, Derek."

"I have to go."

Richard stood. "Okay, but I..."

Derek paused as he pulled his jacket on. "What?"

"Originally I came to...since you're still in Seattle, I was hoping you could come in and do that consult for me tomorrow? My patient with the tumour infiltrating his lower spine?"

Derek had to remind himself that Richard was looking out for the best interest of his patient before he strangled the older man. Richard Webber may be a lot of things to him right now, but he was always a good and thorough doctor. And he cared for his patients; it was why Derek had taken a liking to him so many years before.

"Uh, I'm not sure if I'll be free. But I'll call and let you know either way."

"I appreciate that."

"Okay."

"Okay, thank-you, Derek. And, without crossing that line, I am sorry for the way I've been treating you. It was unfair."

"Yes, it was."

"I just...I care for that girl, even if I walked away from her mother twenty years ago. I did love Ellis. And, for many years, I looked at Meredith as the girl who would one day be my stepdaughter. I don't mean to hurt you, but I feel the need to look out for her."

Derek debated for several seconds before deciding he could handle a few more moments of a more private conversation. Maybe it would do some good. "But she never became your stepdaughter, due to _your_ decision. And I get that you want to look out for her, and...hell, I even respect it. But, Richard, so do I. I love her more than anything else in the world and I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. So, please, stop trying to get in the way."

"You really love her?"

Derek said nothing, but met Richard's gaze straight on.

The older man sighed. "Of course you do. I'm sorry I was...interfering. But I'll do my best to stop. From now on, I'll treat you and Burke the same."

"Thank-you. I appreciate that." Derek stepped out of his office and pulled the door shut firmly behind him. And then he hurried towards the elevator. He had to get home.

He had an apology to make.

000

Izzy was in the kitchen baking alone when Derek checked the room. Meredith's jeep was still parked in the driveway, so he knew she was still home. He strode quickly up the stairs and across the landing to their room. After slight hesitation, he decided not to knock, and quietly pushed open the door.

Meredith looked up from the bed, surprise and apprehension lining her tired eyes. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed, leaning against the headboard with a text book and notebook in her lap. She said nothing.

"Hi," he stumbled as he closed the door behind him and moved to stand before her, but making no move to sit. "I was a jerk."

She still said nothing, but her expression softened ever so slightly; enough for him to know she was hearing him out.

"I was so caught up in going home and introducing you... I was so excited to take you home... I never stopped to see it from your point of view."

She sighed and set her pen down in the inner spine of her notebook and closed it. "You told me I could tell you anything. And then you yelled at me and left. And now you show up again."

"Of course I showed up, you didn't think I would?"

She bit her lip and paused. "I...wasn't sure."

Derek ventured to sit on the edge of the bed, turned to face her. He still did not move to touch her. "Hey, I live here, okay? I'll always come home to you, Meredith. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'll always come home."

She blinked several times and he recognized a sheen of moisture behind her gaze. "I...didn't know if you'd come home or not," she admitted. "We've never done this before."

He nodded. She was right; they rarely argued, and had never had a fight of this magnitude before. "No, we haven't," he agreed. Something in her expression caught his attention and he found himself continuing. "You've never done this before, have you?"

She shook her head. "No, I've never done this before."

He offered her a supportive smile. "Well, this is how it works. Sometimes I'll be a jerk. And sometimes you'll be a jerk. And we'll fight. But then we'll make up. It's how it works. And like I said, I will always show up."

She swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."

"Oh, Mer," he shuffled closer, coming to rest beside her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm so sorry I yelled. I'm so sorry I was so horrible to you."

She leaned against him, allowing his comfort and he was grateful for it. "It's okay," she sniffed.

"No. No, it's not." He pulled away far enough to meet her eyes. "Look, Meredith, I overreacted. I was so excited to be taking you home that I forgot just how novel a situation this is for you. I saw it as a small step in light of all of the other steps we've been taking. And I never realized just how scary it was for you."

She nodded silently.

"Because you've really never done this before. And you didn't have a family of your own to gain any experience with."

She shook her head sadly.

"And you tried to tell me that."

She nodded.

Derek sighed. "And I'm an ass."

The corners of her lips curled upwards and she nodded again.

He laughed. "You weren't exactly supposed to agree with that one, though I suppose I deserve it. I am sorry."

"It's okay. I know you were excited."

"I do want to take you home, Meredith. But I can wait as long as you need. Really. We can wait more than just a month if you need it. I know you said you weren't ready to move out of your mother's house until you were finished your internship. We can wait for that to go to New York too."

She shook her head. "I don't want to wait that long, Derek. Another month will be fine. I thought I was fine with this weekend. But then...I just freaked out."

He hugged her tighter. She was trying so hard, and he just hadn't seen it before. She loved him and she trusted him enough to want to go with him even if it was scary and completely new circumstances for her. "You want to tell me what you freaked out about?"

She shifted to move the books out of her lap and pressed herself close to him, leaving no space between them. "Everything," she finally whispered. "I just...suddenly everything seemed like it had happened so quickly, you know? I was ready for each step by itself. But then when I sat back and saw everything as one giant leap...eight months seemed like such a short amount of time." She sighed into his chest. "I wasn't one of those girls who dreamt of this stuff, Derek. But it's happening to me anyway, and sometimes I feel like I'm having trouble keeping my balance."

"Are you okay...with this it happening even if it's not your dream?" He asked hesitantly, not sure if he really wanted the answer.

She lifted her head quickly. "Hey, that's not what I meant at all. I never had a dream, Derek. And I was too afraid to want or hope for anything like this. And now that it's happening...it's scary, but I'm so glad to be doing all of it...with you. I love you, Derek. And I want all of these things now. You've made me want things. But eight months suddenly felt like too short a time to be wanting the whole lifetime thing and everything."

Derek inhaled sharply as he suddenly understood. "And meeting my family was just the next step."

She nodded. "I guess so. And the next available chance to freak out."

"I'm so sorry I wouldn't hear you out."

"It's okay, Derek. You're here now."

He smiled and kissed her head. "I'll be here always."

"You'll always come home."

His smile widened and he pressed his nose into her hair, inhaling the intoxicating lavender wafting from it. "Always," he confirmed.


	32. The New Derek

New plans had been enacted for their trip to New York. Meredith and Derek had talked through all of Meredith's fears regarding their relationship level. They were as solid as ever. Derek and George were on antibiotics, but were plague free. Izzy was starting to venture away from her baking. Burke was still healing well. They weren't scheduled back until the following day, but Derek and Meredith decided to cut a day off their quasi-vacation and go back to work on Tuesday to leave an extra day off for their next attempt to head across the country. Life was going pretty well.

Or, at least, it had been going well until Meredith had decided to come back to work a day early. The first thing she had heard upon entering the hospital was that Burke's parents had come to see him. And that Cristina had been mostly naked on top of Burke when his parents made their grand entrance.

Bailey had immediately lumped Cristina and Meredith in together in her annoyance from the gossip and any headway Meredith had made in convincing that wasn't true had been lost when Derek's patient with the tumour in his frontal lobe, who had lost all impulse control, had mentioned Derek's behaviour towards her.

_Is that blond your girlfriend? Because the way you're looking at her, you might as well just mount her right here and now._

And it wasn't like it was Meredith's fault her boyfriend couldn't stop doing the smiley-flirty-coy thing with her. Okay, so it wasn't _all_ her fault. Derek was the attending; he should know better.Meredith had blushed and avoided eye contact with her resident. And Derek, the bastard, had quickly fled the scene.

And now, to top her wonderful morning off, Meredith found herself staring at a pair of black panties hanging ominously on the bulletin board.

A pair of _her_ black panties. The same pair Derek had pulled off of her in the exam room five days before.

"This is a hospital. Serious work happens here! We save lives here! Oh, is something funny?" Bailey snapped at Alex and George, who were barely able to control themselves.

"Whose are these?" She demanded.

"This is bad," Meredith mumbled. "This is really bad."

"You better claim them," Cristina hissed back. "She thinks they're mine. Claim them."

"No."

"I know it's one of you," Bailey said, turning to face off with Meredith and Cristina. "It's always one of mine. Always. So, tell me? Which one of you left your damn drawers on my surgical floor?

Meredith winced, knowing if she left it too long that Cristina would cave and turn her in. But...everyone was staring, and she had worked so hard to overcome the slutty intern rumours...

"Oh, no, did I leave my underwear lying around again?" Callie said suddenly. "I am so sorry, Bailey. It's my bad."

For a moment, Meredith swore she didn't breath. And in the next moment she swore she loved Callie Torres more than anyone.

Bailey didn't look completely convinced as Callie took the underwear off the board, but Meredith and Cristina both quickly morphed their expressions into one of innocence and their resident was forced to let it go. Meredith shot Callie a hugely grateful look before taking her charts from Bailey and getting to work at the nurses' station.

It wasn't, however, more than a few short minutes before she heard Derek volunteering her services to replace Cristina so that she could 'enjoy' a cup of tea with Burke's mother.

"I'm sorry?" She asked as she turned from her charts.

Derek shot her a cocky smirk. They had spent the previous day together. George had been home to keep an eye on Izzy, so Derek and Meredith had gone out. And after they had talked through everything, all had seemed so much better and so much lighter. Derek had changed. His interactions with her had changed. After such a stressful week, she would have understood if he had been a bit darker, clingy maybe. She certainly felt a little clingy still. But, instead, he was lighter, freer. He was making jokes. And flirting at inappropriate times. And smiling a lot. And catching her out of nowhere to kiss her. His arm would hook around her elbow and she would find his lips pressed against hers before she could even turn fully towards her. And he was saying things; happy, mushy things.

At first she had thought maybe he was finally snapping under the pressure. Then she wondered if maybe it was happiness and relief that they had survived such a horrible week. But then she remembered his hesitation when he had admitted he got scared sometimes. And maybe, just maybe, he was actually opening up more. Maybe there were more levels of Derek Shepherd then she had realized.

And she liked it.

Because he was opening up to her.

And he was always around; doing things and saying things.

She just didn't like that he was doing it at the hospital, as she was the one taking the brunt of it. She'd been at work an hour, and already he had ditched the situation when a very forward patient had 'addressed' their relationship, and now her panties had been taken off the bulletin board. And if she found out it was him who put them there, he wouldn't be taking any more pairs off of her for some time.

After leaving Cristina to fend for herself with 'Momma Burke,' Derek strode confidently towards her and pressed his hand against her back as he steered her away from her charts.

"Derek, what are you doing?"

He smiled. "Saving you from charts. Mrs. Burke wanted to spend some time with Cristina, and who was I to say no?" He raised an eyebrow.

She had to physically bite back a smile at his exuberance. "Fine. But don't touch me." She shrugged out of his grasp.

"But I like touching you," he countered. "More touching, I say."

"Derek!" She chastised as she dragged him into an empty stairwell. "We're at work. There's no touching at work. You can touch as much as you want at home."

He smirked. "Really?"

"Wait...I didn't mean it that way."

"Mmm-hmm," he mumbled as he pressed close to her, his lips finding the sensitive skin of her neck.

"No, seriously, Derek, that made me sound really bad..."

"I knew what you meant."

She tilted her head away from him, giving him full access to her neck. "I like the touching too," she murmured. "But if I find out you had anything to do with the panty thing, there will be no touching ever again."

"What panty thing?" He pulled at the neck of her scrubs to reach her clavicle. He loved her clavicle. And she loved that he loved her clavicle.

"I was doing rounds with my fellow interns and my resident when suddenly my panties were on the freaking bulletin board."

He chuckled against her collar bone. "That has to be a little embarrassing."

She grumbled. "A little? After the morning I had, it was just the freaking icing on the freaking cake."

He laughed, his breath hot against her skin. And for a moment, all she wanted was to find the nearest on-call room and give in to what he was making her feel.

Then the door slammed open.

Meredith jumped away from Derek, and sheepishly met Callie's knowing gaze.

"Never in the hospital, huh?"

Meredith blushed and glared at Derek. "No," she said meekly. "Not before Thursday..."

Callie raised an eyebrow and pulled Meredith's panties out of her scrub pocket. "I believe these are yours?"

She stepped forward and took the small item from Callie. "Thank-you, Callie. Thank-you so much."

"It's okay. We look out for our own and what not..." She turned and exited the stairwell quickly.

Derek stepped up beside her and laughed as he fingered the soft material. "You know, now that you mention, I remember seeing these on the board when I got here this morning..."

Meredith spun to face him. "What?"

He smirked. "I saw them. On the board. This morning."

"Why didn't you take them down?!"

He shrugged. "I guess I didn't recognize them."

"How could you not recognize them? You took them off!"

Derek laughed, his hands landing on her hips. "Touché..."

"Stop touching me," she said as she pried his hands off of her. She held up the panties. "This is what happens when you touch me at work. Okay? My freaking panties end up on the freaking board."

"It's no big deal," he told her. "One of the nurses probably found them and did it as a joke."

"Hey, if you think it's not a big deal then you carry them around until we can get to my locker or your office." She shoved them into his hand.

He smirked again. "Oooh, I like it. Carrying my girlfriend's panties around at work in my lab coat..."

"No, I take it back!" She exclaimed as she fought to pull them out of his pocket as he laughed.

000

Meredith was still grumbling to herself about Derek's sudden uncaring nature to remaining strictly professional at work as she worked about prepping the patient she had inadvertently taken from her best friend. Even as Derek had walked her to the patient's room, he had been reaching for her hand and smiling her way when she glanced towards him. And it wasn't that she didn't like the attention, it was that she didn't like it at work. She needed to stay professional because she still had a reputation to build. People already respected him.

But he was so light hearted and happy that she couldn't bare telling him off.

He was really opening up to her, exposing layers she hadn't even realized were there. And it was making her want to let him in more. It was making _her_ want to be more open with him. But it wasn't making her want to flaunt their relationship in front of the entire hospital.

She scowled to herself as she wondered whether their exam room tryst had anything to do with his sudden behaviour change at work. Maybe she had opened a door when she had pulled him off the dance floor in search of a more private venue.

"You're very pretty," her patient said suddenly. "But you look kind of tired, and I think maybe you should change your hair conditioner."

"That was rude, Benjamin," his sister chastised immediately.

"It is?" He asked, completely unaware of the social consequences of his words, as his tumour was invading his frontal lobe.

"No, actually," Meredith said with a laugh. "It's true, and it's refreshing." Benjamin may have offended Cristina about her 'pinched, uptight look,' but Meredith enjoyed his open honesty. And he was right, she was tired. It had been a stressful week, dealing with everything that had happened, between Burke getting shot, Denny dying, and her and Derek's fight. Their first real fight, really.

She hadn't been lying when she had told Derek she wasn't sure if he would come back home. She had spent hours either in the kitchen with Izzy or upstairs studying to keep her mind off of what would happen that evening. They rarely argued, and never had either one of them just left like that. She hadn't any idea what to expect, had had no idea when she'd see him next. The relief that she had felt when he had returned to their room had been overwhelming. She hadn't screwed everything up. And being offered more time to get ready had made everything seem easier. They had rescheduled for three weeks from now, and she was feeling quite confident about it. And they had talked everything through, and then she had her first experience with make-up sex. And she had decided fighting had it's upside...

So, yes, Benjamin was right; Meredith was tired. She had a right to be tired. And maybe she did need a new conditioner, but she knew she could never go through with changing it. Derek loved the smell of her hair. So, her hair would just have to deal with the lavender conditioner for the rest of her life.

"Did you have sex with that brain surgeon?"

"Benjamin!"

"It's okay," Meredith called to the sister before turning back to her patient. "Nope," she said, before cracking a smile. "Not since last night, anyway."

"I would," Benjamin responded. "He's hot. And arrogant, but in a way that's still sexy. I would totally have sex with him if I could. Good for you for having sex with him."

Meredith forced the chuckle out of the back of her throat at the thought of telling Derek what his patient had said about him. "Oh, well, thanks, I guess."

"Do you have sex with him a lot?"

"Benjamin," his sister cut in again. "That's offensive."

He glanced towards his sister, his expression as calm as always. "Is it?" He turned back to Meredith. "Sorry."

She offered him a smile. "It's okay."

"Do you love him?" He questioned.

Her smile widened and she nodded. "I do."

"That's good, because he loves you."

She cocked her head, a trait she had unknowingly picked up from the man in question. "You think so?"

He nodded. "Yes, I could tell from the way he looked at you."

Meredith felt her heart swell at the thought. The patient she was talking to had a large brain tumour that affected his impulse control, and his ability to recognized social interactions, both good and bad, but he saw that Derek loved her in the three minutes they had spent together in his hospital room.

"Are you going to marry him?"

She was surprised to find herself nodding without hesitation. Surprised in a good way. "One day. We're just living together for now."

"So, you are having a lot of sex."

"Benjamin!" His sister cut in again.

Meredith laughed as she felt a blush creep along her face. She avoided his gaze; it wasn't like she could say no.

000

It was Meredith's turn to head home during lunch to check on Izzy, but when she stepped in the front door, the house was calm and quiet. And only a faint, lingering smell of muffins greeted her.

"Izzy?" She called as she headed towards the kitchen. No one responded, and the room was empty as she stepped inside. The muffins had, however, multiplied in the hours she had been at work. "Wow. Okay..." She picked up a muffin for her lunch and began to peel the paper off when she heard the door open.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice called.

She turned to meet his gaze as he sauntered into the room with a paper bag in his hand. "Derek? What are you doing here?"

He smirked. "Trying to have lunch with my girlfriend. Though you ditched me at the hospital, so I get extra points for tracking you down."

"Ditched you? Derek, I told you this morning I had to come home at lunch, and you told me you were busy anyway."

He shrugged as he stepped towards her. "I changed my schedule."

A chuckle escaped her lips as he stopped in front of her, his free hand snaking around to her back. "Well, you didn't tell me that..."

He leaned in close, his lips only inches from hers. "I was going to surprise you."

She snorted. "Smart, when you knew I was going to leave-" She was cut off when his lips crashed down on hers. His other arm closed around her frame, pulling her closer to him. The bag he had been holding fell to the ground, along with her muffin as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She groaned into his mouth and closed a fist around his hair.

"This wasn't." Kiss. "What." Kiss. "I." Kiss. "Came for," he mumbled.

"Sure it wasn't," she countered.

He pulled back a few inches to meet her eyes. His fingers came up to brush her hair out of her face. "I mean it. I just thought we could have lunch..."

She closed the gap between them, her lips now capturing his for several seconds. "Then why did you kiss me?"

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. "Because you're irresistible."

"Mmm, so are you," she whispered.

He smirked and kissed her again, before scooping her into his arms and carrying her up to their room.

000

Meredith took a large bite of the sandwich and passed it across the center consol of the car to Derek. He took it easily, throwing her a happy smirk in the process. Their lunch time activities had drained any time they had to actually sit and eat, and so they were stuck to eating in the car on the way back to the hospital if they wanted to eat at all.

"Bailey's going to kill me if I'm late," she muttered.

He passed the sandwich back to her. "I'll get you there on time, don't worry. And she won't kill you..."

Meredith scoffed. "Oh, yes, she will. After today, I have tons of ground to make up."

"You weren't even supposed to be in today. You were there voluntarily," Derek reminded.

"That doesn't negate the fact that your patient told you to 'mount me' this morning. And that she found my panties on the bulletin board."

"She can't blame you for what Benjamin said. And she didn't know they were yours."

"I think she did. You should have seen the way she looked at me, even after Callie claimed them. She _knew_, Derek." She took another bite.

"Well, then, there's nothing we can do about it now." He reached his hand out for the sandwich, but she withheld it.

"There's nothing we can do to fix what has already happened, but we can prevent it from happening again."

He glanced at her and put his hand back on the steering wheel when he realized she wasn't sharing. "I'm not liking your tone..."

She snorted. "We need to make some rules."

"What kind of rules?"

"Work rules."

"Meredith..."

"No," she cut in. "Seriously, Derek. I love you. And I love this upbeat, bright and shiny thing you've got going suddenly, but you've got to tone it down a notch at work. People are starting to notice things."

"No, they're not."

"How can you say that? This morning alone, your patient knew about us, and Callie walked in on us in the stairwell."

"That was bad timing."

She exhaled loudly and glared at him.

Derek stopped the car at a red light and turned towards her, a large grin on his face. A freaking grin.

"You're enjoying this," she accused.

His grin only widened. "A little bit."

She grumbled under her breath. "I'm an intern," she reminded.

He nodded. "A sexy intern."

She had to fight to bite back a smile. She really was enjoying his sudden attitude change. "Seriously, Derek."

He tilted his head ever so slightly. "What's wrong with being bright and shiny? I love you, and I want to show you all the time."

Meredith melted, despite herself. "Derek..." She whined.

The light turned green and he steered the car through the intersection. They both remained silent as he manoeuvred into the hospital parking lot and stopped the car.

"There's nothing wrong with being bright and shiny, Derek," she finally spoke up. "Seriously, I'm all for the bright and the shiny. And I'm so lucky to have you... But I know you love me, so you can tone it down at work, okay? I won't forget, even on the long shifts."

For a long moment he stayed silent, gazing at her with deep, soulful eyes that held everything she could ever hope to see in a lover's gaze. Then he sighed, quiet and content. "I'm the lucky one."

She was surprised to feel tears stinging the backs of her eyes at his honesty. His eyes told her, under no uncertain terms, that he truly believed himself to be the lucky one.

"And I'll tone it down," he continued.

"Only at work," she corrected. "I like the new you."

"The new me?"

She nodded. "Yeah, it's like you're freer or something... Happy. Exuberant. Whatever."

"I think I'm realizing how good I have it."

She smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah..." He gazed deep into her eyes again. "I...don't think I realized how unhappy I was before."

She tilted her head. "Before?"

"Before you," he verified. "I'm so happy, now, Mer. And we're doing so well. And we're making plans and...everything. And I want a lifetime with you. And after this week...I just really need you to know how much I care, because I don't want ever to lose you."

"You won't," she reassured. "I'm not going anywhere, Derek, even if I get scared sometimes."

"Are you scared now?"

She shook her head. "No." And she really wasn't.

He smiled. "Good."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I'm really happy too. And I'm worried too, after last week, and I don't want to lose you, either."

"You won't," he echoed.

"I love you."

"I love you too," he said, leaning over the center consul to kiss her. "But you're now late..."

"Crap!" Meredith quickly unlatched her seatbelt and took one last bite of the sandwich before shoving it into his hands. "I'll see you later," she mumbled as she opened the car door and hurried across the parking lot. She was already late, but any punishment was completely worth it for the conversation they had just had.

_**AN: A lighter chapter...slowly getting away from the stress of their last week. To address a few reviews/PMs in case others are wondering; the appy episode with Meredith on morphine will be featured (and I'm SO looking forward to writing that. Hope you all like what she does/says in this version...lol).**_


	33. Living the Dream

Wrapped in Derek's strong arms, Meredith was fast asleep, lost in her dream world. A dream world that contained only her and Derek and a large, comfortable bed, and all the time in the world. And even in her unconscious state, a smile graced her lips.

That is, until a loud thunk from hallway pulled her to consciousness.

She groaned as her dream world fell away, leaving her bereft as she blinked wearily at the sudden onslaught of the real world. Derek was still right there with her, still sharing the bed, but his even breathing on the back of her neck told her he was fast asleep, lost in his own dream world, and not doing the things to her he had been doing in her dreams. Or maybe he was, she mused, wondering suddenly what Derek Shepherd dreamed about.

Burrowing herself deeper into his arms, Meredith closed her eyes again and pressed her face into the covers, willing sleep to take her again.

However, a second, equally loud, thunk from the hallway, this time coupled with her roommate's cursing, prevented any chance she had of returning to her dream.

With an irritated moan, Meredith pried Derek's hands away from her middle, leapt out of bed and hurried to swing open the door.

"I was having a really good dream and you ruined it," she muttered to George as she caught sight of him attempting to dodge the array of boxes that lined their hallway.

"Sorry," he responded quickly, replacing the last box he had inadvertently knocked over. He was scowling and wore rumpled lounging clothes. He obviously hadn't showered yet. "There's these boxes... All these boxes. Callie said she was bringing her stuff over and...uh...it's all here."

Meredith shrugged. What was a fifth roommate when you already had four sharing one house? And really, they were all surgeons and so weren't home all that much anyway. "It's okay, George. I don't mind." She offered him a tired smile and leaned against the door jam.

"I don't mind either, nah. I don't mind a bit," he mumbled as he stepped closer to her, stopping when he was only inches away. "Kick her out."

"What? I can't kick her out. You're the one who told her she could move in," she retorted.

"I said she could stay for a couple of days. A couple of days? It's been over a week. And now there are boxes. And she's using my computer...and she's here all the time. Would you kick her out?" He met her eyes straight on as the bathroom door opened behind him. "Kick her out now," he begged.

Dressed only in a red towel, and oblivious to their conversation, Callie strode past them. "Hey, you guys might want to wait a while. There's no more hot water." She paused, back still turned to them, as she sifted through one of the many boxes she had brought with her.

"Do it," George prompted. "Why do you hate me? Do it."

Meredith shot him an incredulous look and shook her head. "No."

The third bedroom door opened at the end of the hall, catching all three of their attention. "Hey," Izzy said. "Can I get a ride with you guys to the hospital?"

"You're going to the hospital?" Meredith asked for confirmation. It had been a little over a week since she and George had convinced their resident to come home with them to talk to Izzy. And it had been decided that Izzy would stop the incessant baking and come back to the hospital, but she hadn't been ready yet. This was a very good sign.

"Yeah," Izzy said quickly. "I'm going to go in and talk to the Chief...see about coming back." She swallowed hard. "Anyway, just let me know when you're leaving," she said before disappearing back into her room.

"That's great," Callie called, turning to face Meredith and George. "Izzy's coming back. That's...great, right?"

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith mumbled with a smile and a nod as she bit back a smile at George's sudden change in demeanour.

"That's my towel," he spoke, his voice low and stilted.

"Oh, sorry," Callie said as she stepped towards them, her hands making quick work of puling it off herself and handing it to George, leaving herself completely naked in the hallway before them.

George looked completely lost as he took the towel from her and turned to head into the bathroom, having given up on Meredith kicking out his girlfriend.

"Wow, he's really moody in the mornings," Callie said to Meredith, completely unabashed by her nakedness.

"Yeah, he's..." Meredith trailed off as she felt a hand on her back. And there was a horrible, awkward moment where she knew exactly what was about to happen, but had absolutely no way to prevent it.

"Morn- Whoa!" Derek called as he quickly spun away from the hallway, his gaze planted firmly on the door now in front of him.

"Dr. Shepherd!" Callie screeched, her hands moving to cover herself in sudden embarrassment. "I...I...shit. Sorry," she said quickly as she turned and hurried down the hall to George's room.

Meredith finally let loose a torrent of giggles when she heard the door slam shut. "It's okay, she's gone," she said, turning to where Derek had pressed his forehead against their door. He didn't move and she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, sighing as she pressed her face against his back. "Derek?"

"I thought the hallway was a PG area?"

This only succeeded to increase her laughter. "I thought so too."

He grumbled, but reached a hand down to tangle with hers. "Was this a one time thing?"

"One can only hope," she responded, removing her arms to pull him into their room and close the door.

He turned to her with a wry smile. "You need to warn me if there's a next time."

She shrugged. "I didn't have a chance to warn you. Sorry," she stepped close, resting a hand against his chest before pressing her lips against his.

Derek responded immediately, his hands finding her waist, and then running up underneath the thin fabric of the Dartmouth tee he loved on her.

She moaned into his mouth as his talented fingers found her breasts and she was reminded of her dream. "Derek," she mumbled as his lips left hers to trail downwards. "We don't have much time."

"Hmmm..." he responded, kissing and licking and sucking along the tender skin of her neck.

"Derek..." She whined as he lifted her top over her head.

He tilted his head and smiled at her. "You are the only one I want to see naked in the mornings..."

She glared at him.

Derek laughed. "Ever," he corrected. "You are the only one I want to see naked ever."

"That's better."

He laughed again. "Come on," he pleaded. "We can be quick. I need my Meredith fix, and since I'm banned at work..."

She gave in a kissed him. True to his word, he was being very well behaved at the hospital. And, truth be told, she needed her Derek fix. For a short amount of time, at least, they could live the dream.

000

"Callie just called my house home," George stated as he dropped his tray onto the table. "Where does she get that? It's not her home."

"It is now," Alex shot back. "Dude, you let her move in and stay a week. You're as good as hitched."

"I did not let her move in!" George hissed. "I told her she could stay for a couple days while she found a place. Nowhere in there was moving in an option."

"Just tell her, George," Meredith told him. Beside her, Derek nodded his agreement.

"It's not that easy. She's already moved herself in. You saw her this morning."

"Yeah, I did see her this morning," Meredith agreed. "And seriously, George, you can wimp out all you want on the moving in issue, but you have to tell her she needs to stay dressed outside your room and the bathroom. Because the rest of the house needs to be PG."

"How not PG was she being now?" Cristina asked, having, of course, heard the naked peeing story from weeks before.

George groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Meredith laughed at him and turned her attention to her best friend. "She was naked in the hall."

Cristina shook her head. "She's lucky McDreamy didn't come out of your room."

It was Derek's turn to groan. "I did."

Alex laughed. "Way to go, man. What was that like?"

"Alex!" Meredith scolded.

Alex shrugged, unaffected by her tone. "You may have him wrapped around your little finger, Grey, but he's still a man."

"She does not-" Derek began, but was cut off.

"She so does," Cristina said quickly. Alex and George nodded their agreement.

"It's kind of sad, man," Alex added. "She's got you whipped."

Meredith giggled as her boyfriend glared at her friends. "She does not," he countered. "I am a free man."

Cristina, Alex and George obviously didn't agree, but weren't going to argue with their attending at lunch. Derek sulked beside her, knowing he hadn't won.

Meredith playfully bumped him with her shoulder, and laughed when he wrapped one hand around her waist and reached to steal a handful of fries off her plate with the other.

"So, seriously, how was it?" Alex prompted again.

Meredith glared at him.

Derek shook his head and tightened his arm around his girlfriend. "It was nothing. I turned around immediately. There is only one woman I want to see naked from now on."

Meredith blushed and avoided eye contact with her friends. Cristina snorted. "And you think you're not whipped..."

000

"Megan!" Meredith called out as she quickly searched an unused patient room for a lost girl she had never even met. "Megan?" She sighed as she realized Alex's young patient was not in the empty room. And she needed to be found before she bled out into her abdomen, as she was afflicted with a chromosomal condition that led to her not being able to fee pain.

Meredith stepped back out into the hallway and paused as she glanced around the empty hallway. If you wanted to hide where no one would look for you, where would you go? Patient rooms were pretty obvious, and the girl was smart enough to stay away from them. The door to the supply closet caught her attention, and Meredith quickly stepped across the hall to pull it open.

"Megan?" She called again as the door swung open. "Oh..." She trailed off as she caught sight of the woman who was sitting on an upturned bucket before her. She had evidently been right about the hiding spot; just not whose hiding spot it was. "Hi..." She offered weakly to her boyfriend's ex-wife.

Addison looked up at her and sighed heavily. "Hi."

"I, uh...I'll just...go...yeah...sorry..." Meredith stuttered as she moved to shut the door. However, she hesitated halfway and re-opened the door. She knew Addison and Derek were on much better terms lately, and Addison had been friendly towards her many times. It was Meredith's turn to reach out. "I...are you okay?"

After regarding the younger woman for several seconds, Addison nodded. "I'm okay; just having one of those days."

"That's good. I mean, that you're okay, not that you're having a bad day. It's good that you're okay... I'm glad. And don't worry, everyone has bad days. I know I've had plenty..."

A smile crept onto the older surgeon's face. "Grey."

"Sorry, I ramble when I'm..." She trailed off.

"Nervous?" Addison supplied.

"Yeah, sorry."

She waved her hand. "It's no reason to be sorry. And you have no reason to be nervous."

"Okay." She hesitated. "Do you...need anything?"

Addison sighed. "It's not easy, you know? Trying to start over, to start fresh."

"It's not," Meredith agreed. She gripped tightly to the door knob still, but leaned against the door jam, prepared to stay and talk.

"And I see how happy Derek is now, and I wonder why I can't be happy too?"

"I..." Meredith stumbled, but trailed off.

Addison offered her a comforting smile. "He's happy with you, Meredith. It doesn't take a genius to see it. I've moved on; I just want to get my happy ending too, you know?"

Meredith nodded hesitantly. "He still cares about you," she offered. "He wants you to be happy too."

She smiled gratefully. "That's something." She sighed and shook her head. "I never meant to hurt him."

Meredith nodded less hesitantly. "I know. And he knows." She paused. "He, uh, told me that you were seeing someone?"

Addison scoffed. "I was...kind of."

"Oh, sorry."

She shrugged. "He was a nice guy, you know? Kind. Polite. We went out four times, and then he ended it because I was, apparently, not taking it seriously enough. I wasn't committed enough because I had to cancel a few times."

"But you need someone to respect your job, because you're a surgeon," Meredith supplied.

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry, though..."

Addison waved her hand. "I'm not. He wasn't..." She shook her head. "I wasn't imagining a future or anything. But he wasn't supposed to break things off because of my job... I'm a surgeon, for crying out loud. What did he think?"

A quiet giggle escaped Meredith's lips. "And let me guess, he worked a regular nine to five job?"

Addison laughed back and nodded. "That he did."

"So, you're not upset to see him go?"

"No."

"Then...why?"

Addison took a seep breath. "I did something stupid... At least I think it was stupid. I...after her broke up with me, I was pissed off and...I called Mark."

"Oh," Meredith said, surprised. "Are you...?"

"I don't know. I...he's Mark. He's not anyone's idea of the perfect guy. And yet...I miss him sometimes."

"Did you love him?"

"I don't know," Addison said quietly. "At the time I convinced myself I did. And then after I came here, I told myself it had only been to excuse what I had done. But now...I wonder..."

"You don't always expect it to happen," Meredith offered.

Addison met her eyes straight on. "Falling in love?"

Meredith nodded hesitantly. "Yeah. I...wasn't expecting..."

She nodded, and went so far as to smile. "I believe you. And I don't think he was expecting you, either. I thought he had changed, when I first came out here. I thought he was different, but now...I think he was always this person, but he hid it away for so many years, from himself, even. I didn't see it, at the time, but he was never happy in Manhattan, he was never allowed to be himself. I'm glad he can be himself now. I'm glad he has you now."

"Thanks...Addison. That means a lot, coming from you."

The older surgeon nodded and stood. "I should get back to my patients."

Meredith stepped back and opened the door in full. "Me too. We really need to find this little girl."

"I'll see you later, then," Addison offered as she stepped by Meredith and headed down the hall.

"Yeah," Meredith agreed. She turned to head the other way, but hesitated and turned back. "Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison paused and turned back, a questioning expression on her face.

Meredith strode towards her quickly, determined. "I just...I know that you're a surgeon and that any man has to know that it's important. But... My mother was a surgeon and she put her job above every single other aspect in her life, and now she's sick, and she's got nothing left in her life. So, just...you won't be able to be happy if your job always comes first. You need to find someone who respects your job, but you also need to put him above the hospital sometimes."

For a very long moment, Addison said nothing. She stood still, silently contemplating Meredith's words. And then she took a deep breath and offered Meredith a tired smile. "Thank-you," she said quietly. "I'll remember that."

With a nod, Meredith turned and headed back down the hall.

000

"So," Derek prompted as he collapsed onto the bed beside her, mirroring her position as he leaned against the head board. "Callie Torres spent the entire day avoiding me."

Meredith giggled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. She actually high-tailed it away from the nurses' station when I showed up this morning. And then I had to attempt to explain why to Bailey..."

She snorted despite herself. "That must have been fun."

He sighed and playfully bumped her shoulder. "She called me a fool, which I didn't deserve. Because, seriously, I did absolutely nothing wrong this time."

"Didn't you know you're supposed to knock when you enter the hallway?" Meredith deadpanned.

He made a face at her and bumped her shoulder again. "I haven't seen you since lunch. What were you up to this afternoon?"

Meredith leaned her head against his shoulder and passed him the small carton of strawberry ice cream she was devouring. "I spent an hour looking for a little girl that Bailey and Alex lost, before a nurse told me that Alex had found her forty minutes before."

He chuckled and took a spoonful of ice cream. "Mmm, this is good."

She nodded and reached for the carton. "I also had a talk with Addison," she said quietly, looking to Derek for his reaction before she scooped another spoonful into her mouth.

"What kind of talk?"

She swallowed her mouthful and passed him the carton as she recanted her conversation from that afternoon. "Are you okay with that?" She asked when she was finished.

"That you're talking to her? Absolutely."

"And what we talked about," she added.

He nodded slowly. "I'm glad she's recognizing how happy I am," he said quietly, going so far as to press his lips against the side of her head. "I don't want her to feel bad, but I really wasn't happy in New York."

"And what about Mark?" She asked carefully.

He sighed heavily. "I...don't know how I feel about that. I'm not angry anymore." He offered her a smile. "What they did led me to you, so I can't stay mad. And if he makes her happy..." He shrugged. "Maybe she'll go back to New York to be with him."

"Do you still hate that she's here?"

He shook his head. "Not really. But she's not made for Seattle. She belongs in New York; she loved it there."

"Hmm," she mumbled thoughtfully as she leaned in to him. "Are you really happy here?"

"Here in Seattle, or here in your bed?" He asked playfully.

"_Our_ bed," she corrected, elbowing him.

"Our bed," he conceded with a warm smile.

"And...both, I guess. Here, Seattle, working at Grace, being with me."

"Meredith, I am happier than I knew it was possible to be," he reassured, wrapped an arm around her waist. "I know I told you I was genetically engineered not to like anywhere outside of Manhattan, but Seattle really grew on me."

"It has ferry boats," she murmured.

"That it does," he replied with a laugh. "And I love working at Grace. It's so much more rewarding than my old practice." He kissed the side of her head again. "And most of all, I love you, Meredith, so much."

"Really?"

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "Absolutely. Now, what's got you suddenly questioning this?"

Meredith sighed. "It's...Addison. She told me that she hadn't realized how unhappy you were in New York until she saw you here, and I just... I don't want to not notice if you're unhappy."

He chuckled and buried his face into the side of her head, breathing in the lavender of her hair. "I'm happy," he reassured. "Ecstatic, even. I love you, and I know you love me. And I'm living this amazing life that I never saw myself in, but love. And I'm looking forward to the future..."

She nodded against him. "_Our_ future," she corrected with a small smile.

"Our future," he agreed, hugging her tightly with the arm around her, and passing the ice cream back into her grasp.

"I'm looking forward to our future too," she told him.

He sighed happily beside her. "Good."

Movement at the doorway to their room caught her attention, and Meredith turned to see her roommate standing awkwardly in the hall. "Hey," Meredith called out, motioning for Izzy to come in.

Izzy sidled across the room to collapse onto Meredith's free side of the bed. "I didn't go in today."

Meredith nodded, knowing she had spent the day standing outside the hospital. "Maybe tomorrow," she offered, passing the ice cream to her.

"Thanks," Izzy said as she took a bite of the ice cream. "Mmm, 's good."

Meredith smiled and leaned happily against Derek. It wasn't often that she got to feel like she had a family. He withdrew his arm from around her waist and instead reached for her closest hand, entwining their fingers. She sighed contentedly before catching sight of George in the doorway.

"Hey, George."

He turned almost sullenly towards them, resting his hands on the top of the door frame as he leaned forward. "Callie moved out," he informed. "Which is a relief. I am so relieved," he said, his tone telling them he was anything but relieved.

Izzy held out the ice cream and spoon. "Strawberry..."

George dropped his hands and entered the room. He took the ice cream from Izzy and collapsed forwards onto the bed, sprawling out on his side. "It's good," he said as he tried to pass it back to his roommate.

"You left spit on the spoon," Izzy chastised.

"No, I didn't."

Meredith laughed at their interaction, and she felt Derek holding back his own laughter beside her.

"You did, a little," Izzy informed.

George grumbled and stuck the spoon back into his mouth, making a big show of sucking every last drop of moisture off. "There," he said, passing the utensil back to Izzy. "A spit-free spoon."

"That sounds vaguely dirty," Meredith cut in.

Izzy laughed and George rolled onto his back, hands covering his face. "This is what I get for living with girls," he mumbled.

"Hey," Derek spoke up. "What do I look like?"

George uncovered his face and smirked. "Yeah, but you're whipped."

Meredith was laughing before she even heard Derek's scoff. "That's not true."

"Seriously, it's so true," Izzy spoke.

Derek grumbled. "This is what I get for living with _interns_," he retaliated.

"Oh, it is so on," Izzy said, reaching behind herself for a pillow.

Meredith shrieked as she suddenly found herself in the middle of a pillow fight when Derek retaliated immediately. George joined in, supporting Izzy's side. But even when Derek jumped off the bed and held his girlfriend in front of him as a human shield, Meredith couldn't stop smiling.

Because she had a family. She was happy.

_**AN: Another lighter chapter, but with some real content. In the next chapter, the story will pull away from the show's storyline again.**_


	34. The List

It was cool and damp out as Meredith wandered down the slightly overgrown path that connected the trailer to the pond. The sun was just beginning its trek across the sky, and ten minutes prior, Meredith had awoken to find herself alone in the small trailer. A hastily scribbled note had been left for her on the small kitchen table, only three words written on it.

_Fishing,_

_Love Derek._

And so, Meredith was making the trek out to the pond to be with him, because that's what this weekend was about. They had found themselves with two days off together, and had decided to spend their time at the trailer. Life was still stressful, keeping a close watch on Izzy, who still hadn't stepped foot in the hospital again. Work had been busy for both of them lately, trying to work as many shifts as they could to make up for their imminent second attempt at flying out to New York. And they hadn't had a lot of time to spend just the two of them. This would be their only chance for the next several weeks.

The path gave way into a gently sloping hill, which turned into a rocky beach at the water's edge. Derek sat in an old lawn chair at the end of the dock, fishing pole in hand. She smiled at the sight of him so relaxed, and made her way down the hill.

He must have heard her footsteps on the wooded planks of the dock, as he turned towards her, a bright smile on his face. "Hey."

She smiled back. "Hey," she responded, before making her way in front of him and collapsing onto his lap. There was nowhere else to sit, and it was cool being out so early in the morning, dressed only in track pants and one of his sweatshirts.

He closed his free arm around her immediately and sighed in content, pressing his face into the side of her head. "Mmm," he mumbled into her hair.

"So," she prompted playfully. "You ditched me this morning..."

He scoffed. "I left you a note."

"Yes, informing me of what you ditched me for."

He laughed, long and hearty. "I didn't ditch you," he reiterated.

She ignored him. "I get it, though," she said sarcastically. "You wake up early, in bed with your naked girlfriend, where it's warm and cozy, and you think 'hey, I want to ditch my girlfriend and the warm trailer to go fishing in the cold in the beginning of March all alone.'"

He laughed again, knowing she was only kidding. "I thought I'd catch us some breakfast."

She grumbled into his neck, not yet ready to let him off the hook. "We have breakfast."

"Not fresh breakfast."

"Mmm-hmm," she countered. "_Farm __**fresh**__ eggs_, it says right on the carton."

It was his turn to grumble. "You know, you're very stubborn."

She giggled. "I wouldn't be stubborn if you hadn't ditched me."

There was a hollow thud as he dropped his fishing line onto the dock beside him. "I didn't ditch you," he repeated as his fingers found her sides. "And you're always stubborn..."

Meredith squealed under his assault and fought to get away, but he had her pinned on him, stuck on his lap as he tickled her relentlessly. "Stop... Derek... Please..."

He paused, his fingers still poised over her ribs. "Do you take it back?"

She hesitated for a moment, not wanting to admit it, but also knowing what would happen if she refused. Instead of doing either, she pressed her lips up against his, drawing him into a deep kiss. His hands fell away from her side to land in her hair. And when he had completely relaxed underneath her, she broke the kiss and leapt off his lap.

"Wha..." He stuttered, before meeting her mischievous eyes.

She smirked and moved to run across the dock, but he was right behind her. And, with his longer legs, he caught up before she even reached solid ground.

"No!" She screamed through her laughter as he scooped her up into his arms and carried her back to the end of the dock.

"That was mean," he chastised as he came to a stop, facing out towards the water.

She giggled. "Sorry."

"You don't mean it."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't..."

He laughed, but narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm forced to retaliate." He stepped forward, motioning that he would throw her in the water.

She clutched to him, suddenly uncertain how serious he was being. "No..."

With a smirk, he swung her a bit, back and forth, towards and away from the water. "You can tell me how cold it is," he told her with a smirk.

She made sure her fists were closed tightly around the fabric of his fishing vest. "You throw me in, and you're coming in with me."

He chuckled, testing her grip to see if he could effectively unlatch her from himself. "We'll just see about that..."

"Seriously, Derek, I don't swim. So even if you managed to get me to let go, you'd be jumping in to get me out."

"You..." He trailed off, all playfulness falling away from his features. "You don't know how to swim?" He took a step away from the edge.

She shrugged in his arms and loosened her grip on his shirt. "You think Ellis Grey had any time to take me swimming when I was growing up? Or thought to enrol me in classes?"

Derek loosened his grip on her and sat back in his chair with a heavy thud. "I'm sorry, Mer. If I had known, I would never have..."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm fine, Derek. Seriously. I trust you. I know you would have come in after me."

"But still..."

She resettled herself on his lap, revelling in the closeness. "You're allowed to joke around, Derek. It's called having fun."

"But I scared you."

She rolled her eyes again, before meeting his gaze head on. "You didn't scare me. I told you that I trust you, no matter what."

He smiled his McDreamy smile. "Really?"

She nodded. "Really."

He sighed and leaned his head against hers. "Will you let me teach you how to swim?"

"Sure, if you want to," she said nonchalantly, issuing him a shrug. "but really, it's not a big deal..."

"Everyone deserves to learn how to swim. And it's fun." He pulled away to meet her eyes and raised an eyebrow. "We could swim together," he said suggestively.

She giggled as a chill swept over her body. "Sounds like fun."

"Mmm, it is."

"But let's wait until it's warmer out," she said. "Because it's freaking cold right now; definitely too cold to swim _together_."

He kissed the side of her head with a short chuckle. "Agreed."

She smiled and settled herself in his arms as he reached for his forgotten fishing rod. There was movement while he re-cast, but afterwards, as they waited patiently for a fish to take the bait, she decided she liked going fishing with him. She liked anything that involved being wrapped in his warm arms.

"Mer?" He began after several silent minutes.

"Mmm-hmm?"

"What else have you never learned how to do?"

She lifted her head off his chest to meet his eyes. "What do you mean?"

He offered her a lopsided grin. "What else did you never get the chance to do that I need to add to my list?"

"You don't have to be my...my...childhood tutor, or whatever."

"It'll be fun, to do some new things together," he reassured. "So, what have you never done that you want to try?"

She hesitated, but finally found herself convinced by the look in his eyes. It was hard to admit to her shortcomings sometimes, but he never judged her for them. And all he wanted was to experience things with her. "Skating," she admitted. "I've never been skating, but...before my dad left, he took me to a skating pageant thing at Christmas. And I thought it was really cool, you know? He promised to teach me...but..." She shrugged. "You know."

"Well, I promise to teach you how to skate, Mer. And swim. Although, I have to tell you that I'm a much better swimmer than skater. Two of my sisters skated, so I got dragged to the rink a lot. But I was never very good."

She smirked. "Derek Shepherd admitting to being bad at something?"

"Only if you promise not to tell..."

She laughed. "I make no such promises..."

He huffed at her in good nature. "Anything else?"

"I'm thinking. It's hard to come up with things I probably didn't even realize I was missing at first."

"Okay, how about sports? Baseball, soccer, tennis..."

"Sports I did a bit, you know, in gym class and everything. I wasn't a big fan of the exercise thing, but I had to participate to pass..."

He laughed. "Okay, bowling?"

She nodded. "I went once, when I was...seven, maybe eight. I got invited to a birthday party, and it was after school, so my mom didn't have to do anything for me to be able to go. I got picked up at the school with everyone else, and then dropped off at home after."

"Well, that's good, that your mom let you go."

Meredith scoffed. "Yeah, except she always refused to buy birthday presents for me to take, so I didn't get invited to many parties after."

"Oh, Mer..."

She shook her head. "I'm fine, Derek, really."

"Did...did she ever throw you a birthday party?"

Meredith shook her head. "Nope. Although she was pretty good when I was young about at least being home. And a few times she let me invite a friend or two over. But when I was older...I'd usually get a check or cash as a present, if she remembered."

"She forgot your birthday?"

Meredith nodded. "A few times."

He sighed heavily. "It amazes me, you know? How you turned out to be the person you are after being raised by that woman."

She couldn't help the smile that fluttered to her lips. "You're a little biased..."

"No, I'm not. You're amazing."

"Derek..."

"Okay, I may be a little biased, but still, it's the truth. Look at what you did for me on my birthday."

"Fine," she grumbled, knowing she wasn't going to win this one.

He kissed her cheek and they sat in silence for several moments before she spoke up again.

"Horseback riding."

"What?"

"I always wanted to try it," she explained. "But my mother said it was a waste of time, and told me she was allergic to horses. But I don't believe that, because she always said she was allergic every time I brought up having any pet. And I really doubt someone can be allergic to a freaking goldfish."

He chuckled. "No, I've never heard of that."

"Have you ever ridden a horse?"

He shook his head. "Can't say that I have, but we could find one of those trail riding places. It could be fun."

"Okay."

"Do you know how to ride a bike? I mean, that's a big childhood thing..."

Meredith laughed at the memory and nodded. "I do know how; taught myself, actually."

He raised an eyebrow. "You taught yourself?"

She nodded. "Yeah. My mom bought me a bike for my eighth birthday, no training wheels or anything. And I guess it never occurred to her to teach me, or that I wouldn't know how. Anyway, I fell a lot, but stuck to the grass, so it wasn't a big deal. But after a week or so, I tried the pavement, and I fell really hard. Broke my arm. My mom was busy writing case notes when I got back to the house, and I was afraid to tell her that my arm hurt. So, I went to bed, and it wasn't until the next night that she noticed I wasn't using it at dinner that she found out. And she was pissed that I hadn't told her and that she had to take me to the hospital after she just got home."

"That's horrible."

"It was a long time ago. I'm all healed now." She held up her right arm in front of him for his inspection. "See?"

He grasped onto her wrist and kissed along her radius. "I do see. It's a good arm," he agreed. "Any other childhood injuries?"

"Hmm... I cut my leg once; six stitches. My mom took me to the OR at Boston General and left me with an intern to stitch me up."

"She didn't stay with you?"

She shook her head. "Said she had patients to check on."

"That's scary when you're a kid."

"You have stitches too?"

He nodded. "Three times."

"Three?"

"Once on my head and twice on my arm." He offered her a wry smile. "Mark was a bad influence. We got hurt a lot. I broke my arm twice. Almost broke my leg."

"How?"

"Tree climbing, mostly."

She laughed.

"How about skiing? You ever tried it?"

She nodded. "In college."

"You any good?"

"I was okay. Once I got the hang of it I didn't fall too much. You?"

"I went a lot in high school and college. I was pretty good."

"It was fun," she mumbled sleepily. "But you know what I always wanted to try, but my mom said was too dangerous? Tobogganing."

He raised an eyebrow. "She thought tobogganing was dangerous?"

"Yeah, something about a high rate of fractures..."

"Only really if you hit things, trees, cars, other people," he offered. "But it's a lot of fun."

"You've done it?"

"Tons. There's an awesome hill behind my mother's house, no trees, so I went all the time growing up." He laughed. "And I ended up going a lot with my nieces and nephews at Christmas and stuff."

She leaned her head against his shoulder and smiled at his enthusiasm. "Well, then, I really want to try it."

"I'm officially adding it to the list," he reassured.

They fell into comfortable silence again. Derek fished absently, reeling in and casting off several times around the small woman in his arms. Meredith sighed comfortably and closed her eyes, letting herself drift off.

She was startled awake some time later as she realized she was moving, or, to be more precise, was being moved. Blinking wearily, she realized Derek was carrying her back to the trailer. "I can walk," she mumbled.

He chuckled. "You were out solid. Didn't wake at all when I tried."

"Hmm, sorry," she spoke as she petted the soft fabric of his vest. "But I'm awake now."

He sighed and came to a stop, carefully setting her down on her own two feet. She staggered slightly at suddenly being upright, but caught herself and threaded her fingers through his, letting him lead her back to the trailer.

"Did you catch any fish?"

"No, but that's not what's it's about."

She rolled her eyes, but resisted the urge to argue. They had been over this many times before. "Okay, so I guess that leaves us with the farm fresh eggs for breakfast?"

He grumbled something under his breath.

Meredith giggled and playfully bumped him as they walked. "Shut up; you know you love me."

He turned to her, his smile bright and cheerful. "I do, Mer, I really do."

Capturing her lower lip under her upper incisors, Meredith attempted to prevent a beaming smile of her own, but she was unsuccessful and it broke through her defences.

Derek laughed light-heartedly and dropped her hand to wrap his arm around her waist. "I'm glad we came out here."

"Hmm, me too."

The quickly reached the trailer and stepped into its warmth. Meredith absently rubbed her arms as the warmer temperature made her realize just how cold it had been outside. And she wondered vaguely how long she had slept on his lap while he fished.

"Cold?"

"A little," she admitted. And then she smiled and sidled up to him, her hands reaching for his shoulders. "But do you know what will make it better...?"

His lips tightened as his fingers found her hips. "I have some ideas..." He raised an eyebrow. "What did you have in mind?"

Her smile morphed into a smirk, and stood up on her tiptoes, so her lips were inches from his to whisper, "A nice, warm breakfast..."

He glared at her. A torrent of giggles escaped her lips as he huffed and dropped his hands from her sides.

"So, let me get this straight, you're being mean to me, but you still expect me to cook you breakfast?"

Meredith hopped up onto the counter across from the stove and shrugged. "I could always make it myself, but we both know that's not a good idea."

The corners of his lips twitched. "I'm adding 'teaching you to cook' to my list."

She giggled again. "Yeah, good luck with that..."

He stepped towards her, coming to rest between her legs and pressed his lips against hers for several seconds. "I'll do my best."

She caught him before he could move away and pulled him closer for a second kiss. "Good; because otherwise you'll be cooking all our meals for the rest of our lives-" She cut herself off when she realized what she had said. And how easily she had said it. "I mean..."

He cocked his head to the side and smiled tenderly at her. "I'm good with that, if I have to."

She hesitated, but she had brought up the topic. "Do you mean the cooking part, or the...other part?"

He pecked her lips in reassurance. "The cooking part. I've got some fairly excellent kitchen skills; they can be put to good use for the rest of our lives."

Meredith bit down on her lower lip and tightened her hold on his tee shirt, her fingers turning white, and sucked in a deep breath. "No," she finally said, shaking her head.

His expression changed ever so slightly, betraying his uncertainty. His smile faded just a bit. His eyes pinched in that way that told her he was feeling vulnerable. His nostrils flared almost imperceptibly. And the colour in his face dropped a shade. But she saw it all.

"No?" He echoed.

She offered him a smile. "No," she repeated. "It's not fair, expecting you to always cook. I want to learn to at least help with basic stuff."

He let out a breath and his expression reversed to its original happy tone. "Okay," he conceded. "But nothing too complicated. We want to be able to actually eat it..."

She swatted at his shoulder.

With a hearty laugh, he easily caught her hand in his. "What, am I being unreasonable in any way?"

"You're being...mean," she retorted.

"That's not what I asked."

"Fine, so I suck at cooking. I'm good at other things."

He was still laughing when he pressed his lips into hers. "You're perfect," he mumbled when he finally pulled away.

She hooked her hands behind his neck and smiled at him. "And I'll learn to cook a bit, so I can help."

"So it's not just me cooking forever," he completed.

She nodded, surprised to feel her eyes stinging. "Thank-you," she found herself whispering.

"For what?"

"For offering me a forever."

He lifted a hand to cup her cheek. "Mer, you're offering me a forever too."

She nodded. "I am," she said shakily. "But I... I never expected this to happen to me. And it's still scary sometimes, but do you know what's scariest?"

"What?"

"That I think about things, and say things, and look forward to things, and want things, and...expect things...like they're all second nature. And then I realize what I'm doing...and that scares me. It scares me how easy it's become; how much I want it."

"Well, that's good, I think," he offered. "I think it means we're moving in the right direction."

"So, let me get this straight. We're moving in the right direction because I went from being scared, to being scared that I'm not scared?" She clarified, laughter in her voice.

He smirked and nodded. "Either that, or you're more neurotic that I thought..."

She gasped and swiped at his shoulder again. "I am not neurotic!"

He laughed and enveloped her in his arms. "You are, but I love you for it. Just like with the stubbornness. And the inability to cook. Or eat anything healthy, for that matter... And the snoring..."

"Derek, that's not..."

He kissed her again, long and lazy, as his fingers ran through her hair. "You're perfect," he said, echoing his earlier words, as he pulled away. "I love you, Mer, and all of your quirks. To me, you are absolutely perfect."

She wanted to argue. She wanted to shove him away and glare at him and list a few of his so called 'quirks.' But he was smiling so tenderly at her. His eyes were and ocean of deep, dark blue and sparkles. His breath was warm against her face. His hands were resting comfortably against her sides. He was leaning close to her, still between her legs, and his body just fit so...perfectly with hers. "I... You're perfect to me, too, Derek."


	35. Appy part 1

Alone in the house, locked away in the haven of the shared bathroom, Meredith sat on the cold, hard floor. She leaned against the side of the shower, her knees tucked up to her chest, and she stared. She didn't notice the cold seeping into her skin from the hard, tiled floor. She didn't notice the numbness beginning to set in through her legs and back. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there, what time of day it was, or how soon her roommates would be getting off their shifts.

All she saw, noticed and took in were the two small white sticks she held in both hands, both saying the same thing; one with a short blue line and the other with a small 'x.'

Both were negative.

She knew she should feel relieved, grateful, disappointed, emotional...something.

Instead, she felt nothing.

She had spent the previous day and night in the hospital, with a slowly growing feeling of discomfort in her abdomen. It hadn't been until Derek, who was just coming in as she was leaving, offered to buy her breakfast before she left to head home to sleep, that she realize somewhere during her long shift she had become nauseous.

With a gentle smile, she had turned down his offer, claiming instead that she was planning on heading home for some much needed sleep. And that is exactly what she had planned to be doing right now.

But the nausea had increased tenfold as she had walked out to her car and begun the drive home. And when she had passed a drug store, she found herself turning on instinct. She would need something to settle her stomach if she wanted to get some sleep.

And, by a twist of fate, the pregnancy tests had been kept in the same aisle as the Pepto-Bismol tests. Meredith had caught sight of them on her way by, laughing as she always did at how they were kept right beside the condoms, and got almost to the end of the aisle before she stopped dead.

Abdominal pain.

Nausea.

And, come to think of it, she felt warm.

Her chest hitched painfully as she had turned to stare back down the, suddenly ominous, aisle. She was a doctor, so she would know if she was...pregnant, right? She should know. She and Derek were careful, but with her inconsistent intern schedule, the pill was difficult to use correctly, and she didn't always manage to take it around the same time every day, if at all. So they used condoms in the middle of her cycle, just to make sure. But...it had been so stressful lately, what with Burke being shot, and Izzy loosing Denny, and Meredith and Derek planning on visiting New York and their first big fight. Meredith couldn't even begin to estimate when her last period had been; a week, a month...more than a month...

But she could remember that she and Derek had definitely not used a condom at prom. And that she would have been off her pill for at least two days by then.

She had turned back around, scooped two bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a package of Gravol off the shelf and turned back around before slowly, cautiously, making her way back to the pregnancy tests. And suddenly it wasn't nearly as funny that they were beside the condoms.

There had been so many to choose from, but she had made quick work of choosing two different brands. She knew she wouldn't trust one test, regardless of the result.

And she had hurried home to pee on the two sticks.

The five minute wait had been excruciating. Time had ticked by slowly, every second feeling like a minute, and every minute an hour. She had paced the upstairs hallway nineteen times. And then the downstairs hallway eleven. She had watched an older man walking a fat Labrador retriever across the street, and was disconcerted when it only took twenty-two seconds for the pair to leave her eyesight. But, finally, the alarm on her watch went off and she hurried back up the stairs to spend another three minutes and forty-three seconds working up the nerve to look. And when she had finally looked, they had both said the same thing.

Negative.

She had blinked several times, re-read the directions for both to confirm, and collapsed onto the floor, breathing hard. And she had no idea how long she had been sitting there.

Very gradually, feelings began to seep into the detached sort of numbness she had been wallowing in. Relied had been the first emotion she had been able to justly identify. She and Derek were planning a life together. And while she knew he would never leave her for something like this, they weren't ready for a child. Meredith wasn't ready for a child. She was still an intern. She and Derek had been together less than nine months. She hadn't met his family. They were living in her mother's old house with two other roommates. They weren't ready for this; weren't prepared.

One day, they would move out together. And they would get married. And they would maybe...likely have children. Derek wanted kids. He came from a big family. He would be a wonderful father.

He would be shocked, but happy to hear the news if she had been pregnant. He would welcome the news, the new addition to their life, their family. But Meredith wouldn't have known what to do. She didn't come from a large family. She didn't know how to be a mother. She didn't know how to act around kids. And while she knew she would never be able to get rid of a baby that was theirs, she knew she would have freaked out, long and hard.

Nine months together was not long enough to start preparing to be parents.

But underneath all that relief, Meredith was surprised to discover, deep in the pit of her stomach, a sense of disappointment. Derek would have been excited. He would have made an excellent father. And while people may have talked, she knew they were headed down the marriage and commitment road anyway. It wouldn't have been a...completely horrible situation.

She could imagine the smile on his face when she would have told him; warm and lowing and excited. And the pride he would exhibit with his family. Meredith would have been terrified to announce her pregnancy to his mother and stepfather and sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews the first time she met them, but she knew he would have been happy. All four of his sisters had kids, and she knew he felt left out.

He would have started buying cutesy baby things that Meredith couldn't even name; clothes and toys and mobiles and diaper genies...whatever the hell those were. And he would have found them an apartment or a house near the hospital, with two rooms. And he would have talked excitedly with her about nursery colours, and border designs. And she would have laughed at him, the world-class neurosurgeon, as he struggled to follow the simple directions to put together the crib. And he would have made faces at all the food combinations she demanded to eat. And he would have gone out at all hours of the night when she had a craving. And he would have held back her hair in the morning when she threw up. And he would have been crazy and irrational and against listening to reasoning the day she would have gone into labour. But he would have made the hours go by quickly, sticking to her side as the contractions rolled in, one by one.

And when the baby finally arrived, it would have looked like him. She smiled at the thought of a tiny Derek clone, complete with curly brown hair.

But she wasn't pregnant. There wasn't going to be a tiny Derek clone coming to join their family within the next nine months.

The stomach pain and the nausea and the possible fever had to be caused by something else. Maybe the stress of the last few weeks, coupled with the long shifts, was catching up to her. Maybe it was anxiety about getting on a plane the following evening, and flying more than two thousand miles to meet Derek's family. Maybe it was something she ate. She could have a touch of food poisoning. Hell, she could have the flu.

She could come up with a dozen explanations to explain the symptoms if she had to.

But she could only come up with one explanation to explain her lingering disappointment over not being pregnant.

"Crap," she mumbled to herself. "Crap, crap, crap."

Meredith Grey, dark and twisty Meredith Grey, had spent twenty-seven years of her life alone, leaning not to trust anyone, not to love anyone, and not to let anyone get close to her. Meredith Grey had abandonment issues, mommy issues, daddy issues...other issues. She had vowed long ago never to have children, in the fear that she would parent like her mother had, knowing she couldn't bare bring a child into the world to grow up like she had. She had vowed never to get too involved, never too emotionally attached to any man. She had decided against commitments, against marriage, against anything containing the words 'long term.' And yet, that same Meredith Grey had made a commitment. She liked using the words 'long term' in relation to her and Derek. She wanted to marry him.

And she wanted to have kids with him.

Releasing her knees from her chest, she left her legs to stretch in front of her. Her mind was still spinning, still trying to recover from the shock of her realization. Not only was she willing to have kids for him, but she wanted them. With him. She could see a baby that was so perfectly theirs. With his curly hair and her nose.

She really, really wanted it. Not today. Not right now. After they moved out together. And after they got married and settled. And after she was a little further in her residency. But one day.

Meredith sucked in a breath and staggered to her feet. She made quick work of tossing all evidence that she had ever taken the pregnancy tests into a plastic bag, which she double knotted and took with her across the hall to stash in her drawers. She would take it to the hospital and throw it out there. No one would ever have no know that she had ever considered herself pregnant.

She changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, immediately moving to Derek's side. It smelled like him, and she needed a whiff of that right now. Three tears escaped her eyes as she took in a shuddery breath.

"I'm not pregnant," she whispered out loud. The words sounded strange coming from her own lips. "That's a good thing. I'm not pregnant."

The tightness in her chest began to lessen and she sighed, closing her eyes as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

000

Derek wasn't surprised to find his girlfriend fast asleep when he got home. He was, however, surprised to find her on his side of the bed, sprawled mostly on her stomach. It had been a relatively easy shift for him; two scheduled surgeries, both of which had gone off without a hitch.

Sitting himself down onto the edge of the bed, he ran his fingers through the ends of Meredith's hair. He loved her hair. The smell. The colour. The texture. It was perfect, just like her. He smiled at the thought. No one had ever felt perfect to him before.

She was perfect. And he loved her. And tomorrow he would get to take her home to meet his family. He would finally be able to show her what a family was supposed to be like. He would be able to show her just how serious he was about spending the rest of his life with her. He would be able to give her everything she deserved.

Running his fingers higher up her hair, he frowned at the warmth coming from her body. After sharing a bed with her for the better part of a year, he knew her temperature. Her face was pushed deep into the pillow, but he managed to find an inch of forehead to confirm his suspicions. She had a fever.

"Meredith," he called softly. "Mer, sweetie, wake up."

With gentle prodding, she moaned and opened her eyes. "'s hot," she mumbled.

He ran his hand along her back for comfort. "I think you have a fever. Have you taken anything?"

She turned onto her back and blinked upwards at him before shaking her head. Then she made a face and shoved at the blankets covering her.

He helped peel them off her warm body. "Did you want something to eat, or to just sleep through?"

"Sleep," she responded, her voice much less thick with sleep. "But first, bathroom." She staggered to her feet and padded into their on-suit bathroom.

Derek stripped down to his boxers and donned an old tee to sleep in. He went to lay himself down in the bed, but paused when he realized she had been in the bathroom for some time. "Meredith?" He called, knocking on the door. "Are you okay?"

The only response he got was an unhappy moan. She had left the door ajar and he cautiously pushed it open. "Mer?" She was perched on the ledge of the bath tub, facing the toilet, a look of displeasure on her face. "Nauseous?"

She nodded. "I think I have the flu."

"There's a twenty-four hour thing going through the hospital," he offered.

She made a face. "At least that means I'll be set to go tomorrow night."

He chuckled. "Yeah, we wouldn't want you throwing up on the plane..."

She made to laugh, but then clutched at her stomach and groaned.

"Abdominal pains?" He questioned.

She nodded. "A bit."

He sighed and stepped closer. "That's atypical for the flu. Are you're glands swollen?"

She pressed her hand to her neck and shrugged, and motioned for him to check. Her skin was warm when he pressed his hands to the sides of her neck, but she wasn't puffy. He knew every inch of her body, and she felt normal. "Nope."

She shrugged again. "So I'm being atypical, big surprise, it is me we're talking about here. Or it's food poisoning, whatever..."

"With this much of a fever?"

She glared at him. "Seriously, this is what I hate about being a doctor and being around doctors outside the hospital. I don't want to analyze my crappy symptoms. I just want to be miserable in peace."

He smiled and bit back a laugh at her response. "Fine, I'll leave you to your misery."

"Thank-you."

"Can I offer you something? Water? We may have some anti-nausea agents..."

"On the dresser," she mumbled. "I stopped on my way home."

He frowned. "You've been feeling like this since this morning?"

"I think my abdomen hurt during my shift, but I didn't realize I was nauseous until I left. And I was warm, but not really feverish. Though, I think I was only that hot when you woke me because of all the covers. I must have been asleep for hours."

Derek nodded and decided to tread carefully. "So, we're talking abdominal pains, nausea, potentially only slightly elevated temperature..." He paused. "That's not really typical to the flu or food poisoning."

She nodded and pulled him closer so she could lean against him. She was still sitting, and he was still standing, leaving her face level against his abdomen. "Yeah, well, name something my symptoms fit and then I can get back to being miserable."

His hands moved on their own to rest in her hair as her arms encircled his waist. "Look, Mer, I don't want..." He sighed. "It's just, you know, these symptoms could be..."

She lifted her head from him and looked up, meeting his eyes for several seconds. And then she shook her head knowingly. "I'm not pregnant, Derek."

He was taken aback by how calm she said the words. He had expected a more forced denial. Shock and fear and stronger words. "But..."

She shook her head again. "I took a test already. Two, actually. Both negative."

"Oh. I...oh. Okay," he stumbled over his words as his brain processed hers. His fingers slipped down the back of her head to thread through her hair. "You could have told me," he whispered.

"I just did," she said evenly. "I wasn't not going to tell you. I just feel so crappy..."

It was his turn to shake his head. "I meant you could have told me before. I would have been there."

"It was kind of me that had to pee on the stick."

He felt the corners of his lips twitch. "Obviously. But I could have been here for the wait, so that you weren't alone."

She smiled up at him. "It's okay," she reassured. "You told me you would be here, take full responsibility and all that. I believe you. And if they had been positive I would have told you. Trust me, Derek, you probably would have gotten a hysterical phone call or something, demanding you come home."

"You're right. I would be there no matter what. And I believe that you would have told me. But I also would have been there for the unknown part. I..."

"What?"

He took a breath. "Mer, I want to be here for everything. And that includes waiting while you pee on a stick, and then keeping you calm while we wait together for the results," he said quietly, hoping she would understand.

She stared up at him for several seconds before her eyes welled. "You mean, you really would have wanted to be here?"

He knelt to the floor before her so they were more at the same height. "Absolutely. So, if you ever think you may be...again, I want to be here with you, okay?"

She blinked furiously, but nodded. "Okay."

"Good." He offered her a comforting smile and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "I love you, Meredith."

She was smiling when he pulled away. "I love you too. And I'm sorry for not...telling you before. I was in the drug store and I passed the tests...and then I just realized that I could be...and I bought them and used them and everything right away. I never thought..." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

He felt his heart go out to her. She had never allowed herself to depend on anyone before, not since her mother had taught her in the worst ways that people couldn't be trusted. But she did trust him, he knew. She trusted him, and she loved him, and she was letting him in, more and more each day. But it was things like this that really got to him. Because she had never thought to hide this from him. But she also hadn't thought to include him. She still didn't always realize what it truly meant to share your life with someone.

But she was trying her hardest. And that was what broke his heart; that she felt she had let him down.

He kissed her forehead again. "It's nothing to be sorry for," he reassured. "Just remember that you're not alone in the hard stuff."

She nodded. "It would have been nice to have had you here," she mumbled. "Not that I think you could have kept me calm, but it would have been nice."

The corner of his mouth twitched upward at her tone and he cocked his head. "How much of a fruit cake were you?"

"I wasn't a fruit cake," she retorted. "But there was lots of pacing. And ranting. And cursing. And...ranting. Seriously, lots and lots of ranting."

He chuckled. "But no more ranting now, okay? Let's get you some sleep so you're all ready to go tomorrow."

"Okay," she agreed, taking his offered hand and pulling herself into a standing position. She paused for a moment, but then turned away from the toilet. Apparently the nausea had worn off. "Bed," she echoed, making a bee line for it as soon as they exited the bathroom.

Derek collapsed beside her, resisting the urge to pull her into his arms, knowing she would be too hot in her condition. "Night."

"Night," she mumbled back. And she was silent for several moments before speaking again. "Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Even though I feel like crap right now, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I'm ready now, to go to New York."

He smiled widely into the darkness. "I'm glad. They'll love you."

"Mmm," she mumbled noncommittally. "Not as much as I love you."


	36. Appy part 2

When the alarm clock went off, Meredith moaned and burrowed herself as deep as she could into her pillow. She felt horrible; even worse than she had the previous evening. She was hot, despite the fact that the covers had disappeared at some point overnight. Her stomach was still upset. And the abdominal pain had intensified.

She felt Derek stir beside her, and finally the horrible chirping of the alarm ceased. Meredith sighed into her pillow and willed sleep to come again. At least that way she wouldn't be conscious of how crappy she felt.

"Meredith?" Derek's voice called out quietly. And hand fell onto her shoulder. "Mer?" This time his tone was etched with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Nnnn... Crappy," she muttered.

He shifted again and the light came on. She felt sleep falling away from her, leaving her more and more awake. And more and more miserable.

"Stupid flu," she mumbled.

"You're still warm," he remarked, his cool hands moving along her body. "I think you have a fever."

"You're a genius for figuring that out."

He chuckled. "Sorry. Still feeling nauseous with abdominal pain?"

"Mmm," she nodded.

"Do you want to call in sick? You could sleep through the day to feel better for the flight?" They were scheduled to work until five. And their flight left at ten.

It was tempting, but Meredith shook her head. "No." It wasn't fair to call in sick when she was about to take four days off in a row. Plus, she had been sleeping since early the previous afternoon. "I'll go in."

"You sure?"

She rolled onto her back, wincing at the shot of pain it caused. "Yeah. I'll be fine. I bought an extra bottle of Pepto-Bismol. It'll be fine."

But it wasn't fine. Less than an hour into her shift, Meredith's abdominal pain worsened. The previously broad-based discomfort narrowed into her lower abdomen and became sharper. And the nausea was far worse than it had been the previous evening. She had almost been late for rounds, as she had been unwilling to leave the locker room in case she threw up.

"Ugghhhh," she groaned, clutching onto a cart for a moment as she paused in her attempt to keep up with her short legged, but surprisingly quick moving, resident. Her abdomen sent a sharp flare of pain, coupled immediately with the urge to empty her stomach contents. Not that she had much of anything in her stomach. She had refused all of the breakfast items Derek had tried to force on her that morning. Even the coffee; and that said something.

"Woman troubles?" Cristina asked, falling back to wait with her.

Meredith's free hand came to her forehead, disconcerted by the small beads of sweat forming along her brow. "No..." She mumbled forlornly, wishing that was the worst of her problems. "I think I have the flu."

Cristina made a face and held up her hands. "Then don't be coming near me."

With a roll of her eyes, Meredith released her iron grip on the hospital cart, forcing her tired legs to support her full weight. "It may be food poisoning," she offered as she began to walk again, her steps wobbly as she clutched to her stomach. "My glands aren't swollen and I don't feel...flu-ish..."

This seemed to appease her best friend, who closed the gap between them as they sped to catch up with Bailey. "Food poisoning is better than the flu."

"Not when you feel this crappy," Meredith retorted as they caught up to Bailey, George and Alex.

"Dr. Grey," Bailey called back, shooting them both a glare. "Do you and Dr. Yang have something hospital related to discuss with us?"

Meredith groaned and shook her head. "No, Dr. Bailey. Sorry."

Bailey paused for a moment, her gaze dropping to study her intern's awkward stance and right arm that clutched tightly to her lower torso. "You okay, Grey?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Bailey."

She nodded. "Good."

Meredith stayed to the back of the patients' rooms as they completed rounds, for once not wanting to be assigned to a surgical case. All she wanted to do was curl up into a ball somewhere quiet and wait out the remaining hours of whatever it was that was attacking her body so viciously. And she really hoped it would stop soon, as she didn't want to be spending the five hour plane ride in the cramped bathroom throwing up.

When they left the room of the last post-op patient, a friendly salesman who had undergone minimally invasive bypass surgery two days prior, Bailey stopped at the nurses' station to review a chart. As her fellow interns came to a stop to wait patiently for their resident to finish, Meredith collapsed onto a free chair, her stomach clenching suddenly.

"Oh, God," she muttered to herself. Still clutching to her abdomen, she bent forward at the waist, and swallowed hard as she willed the nausea to decrease. She was still for several moments, before a soft hand fell into her hair. She didn't have to look up to know who it was.

"You sure you're okay?" Derek's concerned tone reached her ears. She had caught his worried gaze directed towards her more than once that morning as she had gotten dressed and sat uncomfortably across from him at the kitchen table as he had eaten his muesli.

With a deep breath, Meredith sat upright and met his still-worried eyes. "I...don't know." She exhaled harshly. "I just want it to stop."

He offered her an apologetic smile. "I was going to offer to let you scrub in this morning, but now I think maybe you should just lie down..."

"I'm fine," she mumbled. "I don't need to lie down."

He smirked. "And there's the stubborn streak I love."

She grumbled, but said nothing, letting her upper body fall forward once more. His hand found her hair again, trying to offer comfort, but she didn't notice when his fingers stilled suddenly in shock. She also didn't notice Addison walking past them. And she barely noticed that most everyone in the area had stopped what they were doing to stare through the window lining the far edge of the nurses' station. Where Mark Sloan stood with the Chief of Surgery, wearing a crisp white lab coat and a Seattle Grace ID tag.

"Oh. My. God," Derek spoke, but Meredith barely heard him as her stomach rolled in the way that told her she was going to throw up, and soon. She could already taste the tang of bile in the back of her throat.

"Oh, my God," she mumbled, having barely enough time to look down and try her best to avoid throwing up on Derek's shoes.

His attention was immediately back on her, his fingers moving to hold back her hair as he moved his feet out of harms way.

"Grey!" Her intern chastised, suddenly in close proximity. "You said you were fine."

She moaned and shook her head as her stomach rolled again and she fought off the urge to vomit a second time.

"Grey-" Bailey started, but was cut off by a yell from George. And suddenly everyone who had been in the area rushed away from her, leaving Meredith alone on the chair, which was fine by her. She heard the shrill ringing of the fire alarm, and a faint wafting of burning flesh in the air, but couldn't find the strength to stand to help with the crisis.

Moaning to herself, she leaned forward again, still clutching to her abdomen. The pain was still there, deep and sharp, but the nausea was slowly dissipating. Her tongue felt hot and sticky under her palate, and her throat burned. With a haggard breath, Meredith closed her eyes and willed herself to a quiet, comfortable place.

Several minutes went by as she sat there, and when someone did re-approach her, it was Derek, bearing a small plastic cup of water.

"Let's get you away from here," he said quietly, motioning towards the still-present pool of vomit while he helped her to her feet. Once she was up and sturdy he pressed the cup into her hands. "Take a few sips. It's make you feel better."

"Thanks." Meredith took a small sip and sighed in relief as the fluid washed out the bitter acidy taste in her mouth.

He pressed a cool hand to her forehead and frowned. "You're burning up."

"I'm fine."

He offered her a wry smile and shook his head. "You don't look fine. I mean, you look beautiful, but not fine."

Cristina appeared at their sides and grumbled something under her breath. "Now I'm going to throw up."

Meredith felt the corner of her lip twitch upward. "I'm fine," she repeated, catching sight of the Chief and Mark walking past the nurses' station together. "Go, you have surgery to do, and surgeon's to confront. Go," she repeated. He still looked unconvinced. "Really, I'm feeling better now." And she was. The pain was still there, but the nausea was low and controlled.

"Okay," he said with a nod, and turned to Cristina. "Will you look out for her?"

Cristina nodded, albeit while rolling her eyes.

"Okay," Derek said again, reaching to squeeze her hand before turning to chase after the Chief.

Meredith watched him go before following Cristina to lean against the counter of the nurses' station to watch the show.

"Seriously," Cristina muttered. "Did he really think I would miss this?"

Meredith attempted a small smile, but instead focussed her attention on controlling her breathing. The nausea was starting to sweep upwards again. George appeared beside her, and Meredith leaned against him.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, her eyes closed. "I just need a minute."

"You know what? Paying for cable is a waste of money when you work here," Cristina said with a laugh. "Seriously, I get all the entertainment I need." She shook her head. "I had three other offers, but I am so glad I choose Seattle for the weekly soap opera moments alone."

"Shouldn't you be glad you chose Seattle because it led you to Burke?" George asked, still facing the dual ongoing arguments; Addison and Mark at the bottom of the stairs, and Derek and the Chief at the top.

Cristina waved a hand. "I wouldn't have known what I was missing out on in that area. But I think I'd be bored anywhere else."

Meredith tried to follow Cristina and George's conversation. And she tried to follow the arguments before them, especially between Derek and the Chief. Derek didn't deserve this. He didn't need Mark working in the same hospital as him, not when he had moved across the country to get away from the man. But the nausea was swelling once more, leaving her pained and distracted, but grateful everyone's attention was focussed away from her. Lifting her arm, she rested her forearm on George's shoulder as she ran her other hand through her hair, noting how warm her forehead was. This was definitely not food poisoning. George moved to rest a hand on her back, but it didn't help.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked.

"I-"

And suddenly she was shoving her best friend out of the way to throw up in the small garbage pail beside the desk. She coughed and sputtered as the water she had just ingested came gurgling back up, mixed unpleasantly with acid and bile.

"Holy crap!" Cristina exclaimed, catching her balance. "Are you pregnant?"

Knowing her best friend had been far too loud in her guess, Meredith shook her head, and went to back up the gesture with words, but her stomach was already rejecting more of the water. When she finally managed to stand upright again, Derek was right beside her, his hand on her back.

"Grey," her resident said quietly, appearing on her free side.

"I'm not pregnant," Meredith managed to whisper.

Bailey exhaled. "Grey," she said again, her tone indicating she was far from believing.

"She's not," Meredith heard Derek saying. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she gratefully leaned into him. "We've already ruled it out."

"Okay, regardless, let's get her to a room."

Meredith closed her eyes and let Derek lead her down the hallways with Bailey, trusting him to make sure she didn't walk into anything. The nausea was almost gone now, but the pain in her stomach was increasing.

Bailey found her an empty exam room, and Derek carefully helped her onto the bed. She lay down gratefully, and turned onto her side to curl her legs up, trying to make the pain go away.

"Okay, Meredith, what symptoms do you have, other than vomiting and nausea?"

Meredith opened her eyes to meet those of her resident, for once staring back at her with sympathy and clinical attention. "Abdominal pain," she mumbled. "Bad right now. Wasn't so bad last night."

"So, you've had these symptoms since last night?"

"Yesterday morning," Meredith corrected. "Abdomen hurt a bit during my shift. Then I realized I was nauseous when I left. But it wasn't that bad. And then last night the nausea flared up."

"Did you throw up?"

She shook her head.

"And you were still nauseous with abdominal pain this morning?"

This time she nodded.

"Did you sleep through the night?"

"Yeah, I think so." She couldn't remember having woken.

"She tossed and turned a lot," Derek spoke up.

Bailey surveyed him for a quiet moment, contemplating how much she wanted to pry into her attending's personal life. "And that's unusual?"

Derek nodded, a small smile fluttering to his face. "She's usually out like a log. Doesn't move. Doesn't wake up. Oh, and she didn't snore last night, which is also unusual."

Despite her pain, Meredith glared at him. "Shut up," she mumbled.

Derek laughed, and Bailey even cracked a smile.

"Oh, and she has a fever," Derek continued. "She was warm yesterday evening, and progressively tossed all of the covers off over the night. She was still warm this morning, but not this feverish until now."

Bailey nodded. "Is that all?"

Meredith nodded. "I think so." She cringed as a particularly strong wave of pain shot through her. "Can I have some morphine?"

"I'm going to order a full blood work up," Bailey said, motioning for George, who was standing near the doorway with Cristina, to prepare a syringe. "But I would like to confirm that you're not pregnant with a blood test before we give you anything. I'll put a rush on it."

"I took a test," Meredith said. "Two, actually. Both negative. I'm not. I know I'm not, so-"

"Meredith Grey," Bailey said quickly, cutting off her intern. "I am your doctor right now, and this is my call. You will wait until we have a blood test result."

"Fine," Meredith grumbled.

"O'Malley, draw blood and put a rush on it. Let the lab know this is for a staff member; it may make them go faster. And Yang, do an exam. Pinpoint the discomfort. Page me when we have results; I'm going to check on my other patient."

"Discomfort, my ass," Meredith muttered, clutching to her abdomen once more.

000

Once Cristina had completed her exam, she took off to check on her other patients. Derek sat in a chair by Meredith's bedside, holding her hand in one of his, and stroking her hair with the other.

"So, I guess it's not the twenty-four hour thing," Derek offered with a wry smile.

Meredith glared at him. "And the 'saying the obvious' award goes to..."

He laughed. "Sorry."

She sighed and glanced at the wall clock across the room. "Don't you have a morning surgery?"

"Not for another hour. Very routine, I can wait here."

"Derek..."

He smiled his McDreamy smile. "I'm staying here," he said firmly.

"But..."

"This is part of the relationship thing, Meredith. When you're lying in a hospital bed, you don't get to tell me to get back to work. I'm allowed to stay here with you as long as I want." To back up his words, he leaned in to kiss her.

Meredith turned her face away from him. "Don't kiss me," she chastised. "I could get you sick too."

He settled for pressing his lips against the side of her head. "If it's contagious, I'm already infected," he reasoned. "I spent all of last night with you, and with all of the blankets you threw on me..."

"I didn't."

He snorted. "You most certainly did. I woke up at two unable to figure out why it was so freaking hot. And then I realized I had all of _my_ blankets on _and_ all of _yours_ on."

"Hmm, sorry," she offered, but smiled at his choice of words.

He narrowed his eyes and strutted out his chin towards her. "What?"

She smiled, despite her pain. "You said 'freaking.'"

"You're rubbing off on me," he retorted. "I used to have good grammar."

Meredith swatted at him and sighed. "What do you think is wrong with me?" She asked, a sudden wave of vulnerability washing over her. She didn't get sick very often, and she hadn't needed medical attention for anything since she was a child.

A hint of worry crossed his features, but he hid it quickly. "Something fixable," he reassured. "Really," he said to her uncertain expression. "It could still be food poisoning. Or another toxin. A cist. An inflamed appendix. An infection... It'll be something we can deal with. Everything will be fine."

She squeezed his hand. "Okay." He was there beside her, holding her hand, telling her she would be fine, that he would be there with her. And that made it okay. That made the pain and uncertainty bearable.

The door opened behind Derek, and Bailey entered the room, a chart in hand. "I have the first results back, and you were right. You're not pregnant."

Meredith nodded, wondering for the second time in twenty-four hours why there was a lingering sense of disappointment in that knowledge. "Okay. That's...okay. Can I have some morphine now?"

000

"Derek!" A very familiar, and very unwelcome, voice called his name.

Derek shook his head before glaring in the direction of the voice, hoping its owner would get the hint. He didn't.

Mark had never been very good with subtlety.

"I need a consult," Mark spoke, appearing beside Derek and, to Derek's annoyance, sliding a chart on top of the open one in front of Derek.

Derek shoved the nuisance away, trying to focus his attention back to his case notes. He had checked his all of his patients, and this was the last chart he needed to update before he would be free to return to Meredith's bedside. "Go away, Mark."

"I'm just doing my job," Mark said evenly, pushing the chart back towards Derek again. "And I need a consult, so do yours."

Derek shook his head, refusing the urge to turn and glare at his former best friend. "I'm off duty. Get someone else."

"Well, you're here, and I want you."

He scoffed. "And you think you can just get what you want, when you want it, regardless of everybody else. Glad to see you haven't changed," he shot back sarcastically.

"Come on, Derek. It'll just take a minute."

"I told you; I'm off."

"No, you're not," Mark retorted, his even tone raising ever so slightly; a sign that told Derek Mark was beginning to get frustrated. "You have a surgery on the board."

"Not anymore. I got Krycheck to take it. And..." He completed his notes and slammed shut the chart. "Now I'm done for the day." He passed the chart across the counter to a nurse, offering her a terse smile. But when he turned to leave the desk, Mark caught his arm.

"Come on, man."

Derek jerked out of his grip and finally turned his gaze to the man who had, less than a year ago, so easily ignored over thirty years of friendship when he had turned his sights on Derek's wife. "Don't touch me," he hissed, fighting the urge to punch the plastic surgeon. In fact, the only thing stopping him was the promise he had made to Meredith after Mark had shown up in Seattle the first time.

Mark sighed, but stayed out of Derek's personal space. "You don't need to leave for the day because I'm here..."

Derek laughed out loud before he could help it, loud and condescending. "You think far too much of your impact on other people, Mark, and you always have. Me taking the day off has nothing to do with you. Meredith is sick, and I'd rather be with her."

"I noticed you were still with her," Mark said, offering Derek a hint of a smile. "Good for you. How's it going?"

Derek blinked, unable to process the easy-going tone in Mark's voice, as if they had rewound to college. "It's none of your business."

Mark made a face. "Sorry, man. I thought she was good for you."

"She is good for me-" Derek cut himself off. "Me not wanting to discuss my personal life with you doesn't mean things aren't going well."

"So, things are good between you," Mark stated.

Derek made an exasperated noise. "Mark, what the hell are you doing here?"

The plastic surgeon stood up a little straighter. "I work here."

"Exactly my problem. Why? Have you not tortured me enough?"

"I'm not here to..." He trailed off and lowered his voice. "You're my best friend, have been since I can remember."

"Interesting. And did you forget that last year?"

Mark sighed. "Come on, man, I'm trying here."

"Me too. I'm trying to move on with my life and be happy. And that doesn't include having to deal with you everyday." Derek felt his fists clench and he had to work to open his fingers. "Now, _doctor Sloan,_ I have somewhere far more important to be."

And with that, he pushed away from Mark, not looking back as he turned down the hallway towards Meredith's room. They had moved her to a patient room after her results had come back. Nausea, high white count and tenderness over McBurney's point indicated one thing.

"_Appendicitis," Meredith had decided, moments after Derek, Cristina and George had answered first, the side effects of the morphine beginning to set in._

_"I told you," Derek had said to her, squeezing her hand. "I told you it was something fixable."_

_She had smiled brightly back at him, her neuronal processes laced with morphine. "You're so smart," she had told him. _

_Derek had smiled back, shaking his head as the care free attitude took over her body, even as a wave of relief coursed through his._

Cristina was sitting beside Meredith's bed, her attention on the chart in her lap, when Derek entered the room. "Hey," he called out as he came through the door, forcing his lingering annoyance from his conversation with Mark out of his mind. "How's my favourite patient?"

Cristina stood quickly and rolled her eyes as she slid past him, muttering something that sounded faintly like 'gag me,' as she left the room.

Meredith giggled. "I'm not you're patient," she drawled. "Because my problem's in my abd'men, and you fix brains."

He nodded as he sat beside her, biting back a laugh. "You're right," he informed her, smiling at her proud smile to that. "But you're still a patient here, and my favourite, even if you're not mine."

"But I am yours."

"Yes, but not my patient."

"But I'm your girlfriend. I've told you before that I'm yours. In fact, it was last time Mark was here."

Derek nodded. "Yes, you are my girlfriend. And I love that you're my girlfriend."

She made a face. "But you don't love me?"

"Of course I love you," he said quickly. "I love you very much. Why would you think otherwise?"

"Because you said you loved that I was your girlfriend, but not that you loved me."

Derek blinked, wondering suddenly how he had gotten stuck in this conversation from such a simple greeting. "You just didn't let me get that far. I was going to say it next."

"Good," she said with a nod. "Because I love that I'm your girlfriend."

"But you don't love me?" He bantered easily, smirking.

She glared at him. "Of course I love you. Why would you say that?"

He opened his mouth, floundering for something to say. "But you just..." He trailed off, reminding himself she was under the influence of a strong drug; reminding himself not to argue with her in this situation. He would lose, regardless. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I know you love me."

"Good," she said. "Cause it's been nine months, Derek. Seriously, you shouldn't be questioning that anymore."

He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "That was my last time, I promise."

"Good," she said again. "Because I'm supposed to be the pathetic one here, Derek, and I haven't questioned it in...a freaking long time."

He smiled warmly. "That's great, Mer. I...wait. Did you just call me pathetic?"

She shrugged. "I just call it how I see it."

Before he could begin to respond to that, Bailey strode into the room. "How's my favourite patient?" She asked, her tone belaying her amusement with the situation.

Meredith beamed. "I'm grrrreat!"

"Oh, sure," Derek muttered. "She doesn't get roped into the Socratic conversation from hell for saying that..."

Meredith ignored him. "Like the lion," she continued. "I feel grrr-reat, like the lion."

Derek furrowed his brow and exchanged a glance with Bailey. "What lion would this be?" He asked cautiously.

Meredith turned to him, incredulous. "Seriously, Derek, do you live under a freaking rock? The lion on the cereal box. Grrrreat!" She repeated loudly.

"I think you mean the tiger, Grey," Bailey corrected with a smirk.

"Lion. Tiger. Same thing." Meredith waved her hand dismissively.

"Whatever you say," Derek placated.

"Anyway," Bailey spoke. "I'm glad you're feeling great, because-"

"Not great," Meredith cut in. "Grrrreat!"

"Grey-"

"Grrrrreat!" Meredith repeated. "Come on, say it, doctor Bailey. It's fun. Grrrrreat!"

Derek choked back a laugh.

"Grey, I am not repeating something a cartoon character says. I'm a surgeon."

"Fine." Meredith huffed and crossed her arms.

"What I was about to tell you was we're going to have to wait a few hours for an OR to clear up. We'll make sure you have enough morphine to keep you comfortable-"

"Maybe a little less morphine than she has now," Derek joked.

Bailey glared at him. "Shepherd, if you're in this room, you do so as a visitor, and not as a doctor. I am her doctor, and I am in charge of making decisions."

Derek stammered for a moment. "I know that. I respect that. I was just trying to make a joke, because she's a little loopy..."

Meredith scoffed. "I am not. I'm perfectly fine. It's you all who are loopy. Everyone is being weird today."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "See what I mean?"

"As a comment from my patient's _visitor_, I will keep that in mind. But pain control is our primary objective."

"He's not a visitor," Meredith spoke up. "He works here," she reminded, as if truly believing Bailey had forgotten. "He's a neurosurgeon."

"I am quite aware of that Grey. But he is not your doctor."

She nodded emphatically. "I know. That's what I was trying to tell him before you came in. He seemed to think I was."

"I did not."

Meredith ignored him. "But he is a doctor here."

"Yes, but in this case you are the patient, and Derek is welcome to stay with you as a friend or family member only. Not as a doctor."

"Family member," Meredith said quickly.

"Excuse me?"

"Friend or family member," Meredith prompted. "You asked which he was." She reached for Derek's hand. "And he's my family."

Despite the drugs he knew were coursing through her system, Derek felt his heart tighten. She was his family too.

"Oh, and speaking of family," she continued, her attention solely on her resident. "You better make sure we get an OR soon, 'cause I have to catch a plane tonight, so you tell those other surgeons to hurry it up."

Derek cursed under his breath. Between Meredith's illness and Mark's sudden appearance, flying to New York that evening had slipped his mind.

"Grey, I have news for you, you won't be getting on a plane for at least a couple days."

"But..." She turned to Derek to back her up. "We have to. We've already cancelled. And I'm ready now. I want to go."

"Doctor Bailey is right," Derek said quietly, squeezing Meredith hand. "You won't be up to flying. But it's okay," he reassured. "Mom will understand. And we'll reschedule again."

Meredith made a face. "But I was ready," she repeated.

He nodded. "That just means you'll be even more ready next time."

She huffed, but accepted his words.

"I'll be back when I have a better estimate of a time," Bailey said, quickly excusing herself.

Derek sighed and pulled his cell phone off of his waist band.

"What are you doing?"

He offered her a smile. "I'm going to call mom now, give her as much warning as I can." They were supposed to take a late flight, which would get them into New York early the following morning.

She nodded, and remained silent as he made the call.

"Hello?"

"Mom," Derek greeted.

"Ah, my favourite son."

"I'm your only son, mom," he said wryly, smiling at her gentle laughter on the other end of the phone.

"Are you all packed and ready?"

He sighed. "I'm sorry to do this again, but we're not going to be able to make it. Meredith's in the hospital."

"I thought you were both working today?"

He chuckled. "No, I mean as a patient."

"Oh, dear, what's the matter? Nothing serious, I hope?"

"No, nothing serious. But her appendix chose today to inflame. She's scheduled for surgery as soon as an OR is free."

"Well, I'm sorry you're not going to make it," she said, her voice laced with disappointment. "But tell Meredith I hope she heals quickly."

"I will," he said with a smile.

"You will reschedule though, right?"

"Of course," he said quickly, feeling the same disappointment. "Trust me, mom, we wanted to come out. But Mer will need a few days to recover...and I can't leave her..."

"Of course, Derek. I wouldn't dream of asking you to come alone and leave her when she's sick. I raised you better than that. I'm just sorry I'm not going to see you and finally meet this girl you seem so happy about."

"I'm sorry too, mom." He smiled at Meredith. "You're going to love her when you do meet her."

Meredith tilted her head. "Is she upset?"

Derek reached for her hand to reassure her. "Disappointed she's not going to meet you, but not upset."

Meredith pulled her hand out of his, reaching for his phone. "Let me talk to her," she demanded. "I have to explain."

Derek leaned away, his phone protectively gripped to his ear. "It's okay, Mer. She understands."

"No. I need to talk to her."

He shook his head, momentarily covering the mouthpiece. "It's not necessary."

Meredith crossed her arms, glaring at her boyfriend. "Why won't you let me talk to your mother? We've talked before."

He nodded. "You have talked before. And will many times in the future. But right now you're drugged up on morphine, high as a kite, and you'll say something you regret, and when this is all over, you'll blame me."

"Fine," she hissed.

Derek sighed and removed his hand. "Sorry about that."

"Are you with her now?"

"Yeah." He reached for Meredith's hand, and was relieved when she let him pry her arms away from her chest. "I'm in her room, but they gave her some morphine for the pain. And she's a...little loopy."

"Like Kathleen was?"

He smiled at the memory. His older sister had had her appendix out when he was in high school. And had inadvertently let slip a few things she wouldn't normally have wanted her mother to know about. "Worse."

His mother laughed. "Well, have fun with that. I hope it won't be too long of a wait."

"Hopefully no more than a few hours."

"Would you call me afterwards, and let me know everything went okay?"

Derek felt a swell of emotions in his chest. His mother cared enough to want to know that his girlfriend was okay, even though they had never met. "I will. Thanks, mom."

"I'm a mother, Derek. It's my job."

"Okay. I'll call you later. I love you, mom."

"I love you too, Derek."

He turned off his phone with a sigh, and set it on the small table beside the bed as he moved to sit beside Meredith's small form, facing her.

He leaned in close, pausing with his lips inches from hers. "So, am I allowed to kiss you now, or are you still worried about being contagious?"

She scoffed. "You can't catch appendicitis-"

He cut her off quickly, pressing his lips against hers to avoid being roped into a second losing discussion. "I love you," he told her when he pulled away.

She smiled back at him. "I love you too."

He lifted his hand to trail up along the smooth skin of her neck and cheek. "You're complexion is flushed."

"It's the fever and the drugs."

He nodded.

"Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She cocked her head. "They're going to cut open my skin to take out my appendix."

"They are," he agreed. "But don't worry. It's a very minor procedure. And very quick. You'll be fine."

"That's not what I'm worried about."

It was his turn to tilt his head, suddenly concerned that she was stressing about something. "What is it?"

"It's just...I know you say I'm beautiful-"

"You are beautiful."

"You think that now," she retorted. "But this is going to leave a scar."

His heart clenched at her vulnerability. She was drugged to high heavens, and still, she was worried she wouldn't be enough for him. "You're perfect, Meredith, and that's never going to change. Everyone has scars." He indicated the scar on his forehead.

"But yours adds character."

"Meredith, you could be scarred all over, and it wouldn't change the way I see you, the way I feel about you."

"But...I don't start out as much," she said quietly, looking away from his eyes. "And I know that you love me for who I am and everything, but you...if you were to compare me to Addison-"

"Hey," he said sharply. "There's no comparison, Meredith. I was never half as turned on by her as I am by you."

"But she's all leggy and fabulous, with the designer names and heels and-"

He kissed her again, long and deep. "You are gorgeous, Meredith, absolutely gorgeous. You take my breath away when you're wearing scrubs. And I love that you're you, with the simpler clothes, and sneakers at work."

"Really?" She looked back at him finally.

He nodded. "Really. I love the jeans. And the sweaters. And..." He smirked. "I especially love it when you steal my clothes."

She smiled at him. "Okay."

He pecked her lips before responding. "Okay."

"So, the scar won't change anything?"

"Absolutely not."

"Good. Because I don't want things to change. I don't want to lose you, Derek, not ever."

"Well, that's a good thing to hear, because I'm in this forever. You're stuck with me."

She giggled. "I think I can live with that."

He smiled back, but was interrupted by the sounds of his pager going off before he could respond. Nine-One-One. "Damn it," he mumbled. With Krycheck in the OR with Derek's patient, Derek was the only attending level neurosurgeon free to handle an emergency. "Meredith, I'm so sorry, but I need to take this."

"It's okay."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay."

He nodded to her before rushing from her room.

000

Meredith watched Derek disappear from her room. He was a neurosurgeon. He had been paged. He needed to go. And that was okay. She was okay by herself. She could barely feel the pain, and when she did, all she had to do was push the magic button in her hand. And then she really did feel grrrrreat!

She sighed, wishing Derek had let her speak to his mother. She knew the older woman would be upset that they couldn't visit. And Meredith had really wanted to explain what was going on, to make sure Derek's mother understood. Derek was acting strange today, suddenly not being so good at getting his point across. Just look how many misunderstandings he had initiated in the past half hour. She sincerely doubted he had explained properly.

Meredith turned to her side to get more comfortable, but paused when she caught sight of Derek's cell phone lying on the small table beside her bed. This was perfect; now Meredith could call her back and explain without Derek's interference.

She reached for the phone and easily navigated through his menu to his last outgoing call. She hit send and waited for Jane Shepherd to pick up.

The ringing stopped. "Hello?" A friendly voice greeted her.

"Mrs. Shepherd? It's Meredith Grey, you know, Derek's girlfriend."

_**AN: I am SO looking forward to writing this conversation. Meredith on morphine versus Mrs. Shepherd. Oh, the possibilities. And if anyone reading has anything they want to see/read Meredith saying to her future mother-in-law, let me know and I'll do my best to fit it in...**_


	37. Meredith on Morphine vs Mrs Shepherd

_**AN: Sorry about the delay. Real life kind of jumped out at me with neon signs and microphones. HELLO! REMEBER ME? I NEED SOME ATTENTION. Lol. So, yeah...my new habit of updating every other day won't be happening for the next week or two while I attend to my 3D world. And just to respond to a few reviews;**_

_**Tamar- I can't say no to a dare...**_

_**Reader- I definitely had fun with this chapter...**_

_**NG- I definitely took the deeper conversation route a lot in this chapter, as you urged me, but Meredith wouldn't be Meredith if she didn't say some embarrassing things. Oh, and I loved the ice chips part too, so that's definitely here...**_

Jane Shepherd had barely put down her phone and gotten back to work in the kitchen when the phone rang again, once more indicating a long distance call with a faster ring. She wiped her cookie-dough and flour-y hands off on her apron and reached for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Shepherd? It's Meredith Grey, you know, Derek's girlfriend?"

"Of course, Meredith," she said quickly. "I just got off the phone with Derek. How are you feeling?"

"Oh, don't worry about me, I'm grrrreat!"

Jane smiled. Her son had warned her that his girlfriend was a little loopy. "Like Tony?"

"Who?"

"Tony the Tiger, from the cereal box."

"He has a name? I didn't know that!" Meredith exclaimed. "But seriously, Mrs. Shepherd, you're really cool for knowing that. Derek and Doctor Bailey didn't know who I was talking about. Well...Doctor Bailey kind of did after I explained, but Derek had no idea. Seriously, for a brain surgeon, he can be rather brainless."

Jane bit back a laugh. The poor girl was very loopy. "Well, I'm a mother of five, Meredith. I know all the names. And call me Jane."

There was a long pause. "Really?"

"Of course. If I'm going to call you Meredith, you need to call me Jane."

"So, this isn't like a trick or anything?"

"A trick?" She asked, biting back a smile.

"Yeah, like to test me or whatever? Isn't that what boyfriend's parents do?"

"Not me," Jane reassured. "Have you been tested like that before?"

"Nooooo," Meredith drawled. "I've never had to chance to be tested before."

"Never met the parents, huh?" Jane asked with a smile. As a mother of five, she had met her fair share of marriage hopefuls; both good and bad. Some had been 'tested' more than others.

"Never had parents to meet. Derek's like my first boyfriend or whatever."

"Oh..." Jane stammered, uncertain of what to say to that. Thankfully, though, her son's girlfriend, good and high on morphine, continued unhindered.

"And I know that makes me sound like a lame-ass loser at my age, but if you met my mother you'd understand. If it were up to her, I'd be alone forever."

"I'm sure that's not true, Meredith," Jane said carefully. "I'm sure your mother just wants you to be happy."

Meredith erupted into a loud torrent of laughter. "Wow," she finally stammered. "Derek told me you were nothing like my mother, but I didn't realize that he meant you were a polar opposite until now."

Jane paused, before continuing hesitantly, concerned suddenly by the other woman's words. "I'm not sure what to say to that, Meredith."

"I'm sorry," Meredith said quickly. "You don't know my mother, so you don't know that that's a compliment. It's actually like the best compliment you could get as a mother. Trust me, if you were anything like my mother, you'd probably be telling me to get back to work; that an inflamed appendix is no reason to not be in the OR... As a doctor." She laughed to herself. "Cause it's a reason to be in the OR as a patient, obviously. But not as a doctor, because it's a little distracting. But my mother would think I should be in the OR as a doctor, learning and whatnot, to gain the most experience so that I can be the best or whatever. Get it?"

"Yes," Jane said quickly, even as she was still trying to process all that the younger woman had said. The girl certainly could talk. "And I'm sorry to hear that about your mother. One of my girls had her appendix out in high school, and I definitely agreed that taking a few days off was a good idea."

"Kathleen, right?"

"Yes, did Derek tell you?"

"Yeah, he did. He told me a lot of stuff a while ago, before the first time we planned to come out here and- Oh! That's actually why I called. I need to apologize that we can't make it again. Really, Jane, I'm so sorry. Because I'm really ready this time. I wasn't really ready last time. I was freaking out because it seemed really fast and I've never done this before, but I was still going to go with Derek, and then Denny died. And we needed to be there for Izzy. And I told Derek that I was grateful that I would have a little more time, and he was really mad and we fought and then he left for hours."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Meredith. I love my son, but he can be a bit dense at times."

"Yes, he can." She agreed readily, and the static on the other end of the phone told Jane that Meredith was nodding emphatically. "But I love him. And he came back and apologized and everything."

"That's good."

"So, it was our first big fight or whatever, and I guess it's just one of the many firsts I had to experience in the whole relationship thing. It was okay. We got through it. And then we had make-up sex, which, seriously, have you ever had make up sex? Cause it was awesome."

"Uh..." Jane stammered for something to say in response. However, Meredith continued, still unhindered by her lack of response.

"Seriously awesome. But I've gotten off track... What was I saying before?"

"Well, you said Derek told you about Kathleen-"

"Right!" Meredith exclaimed. "You're really smart. I can see why all five of your kids are doctors. Anyway, Derek told me that Kathleen had her appendix out in high school and said a lot of embarrassing things while she was on morphine. Like, she told you about sneaking out and failing a test and stuff."

"That she did," Jane confirmed, smiling to herself at the memory. Her daughter had been horrified when she had woken up and been informed of her actions.

Meredith laughed. "Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm not experiencing any of those effects. My morphine's dulling the pain, but that is all. Because it would be really bad for me if I was talking to you uninhibited."

Jane bit back a laugh. The poor girl would be so embarrassed when the effects of the morphine had worn off. And yet...she couldn't resist the, most likely one time only, opportunity to prod a bit into the life of the woman who had so quickly stolen her son's heart. "Why would it be so bad?"

"Oh, it would be horrible," Meredith drawled. "I don't exactly have a pristine past. I mean, I've never been to jail or been arrested or anything bad like that. And there aren't any secret spouses in my past, or affairs or anything. But my mother was really absent. She was a top surgeon, and she basically ignored me. So long as my grades were up, she had no reason to concern herself with what I was up to. There were lots of parties. And lots of alcohol. And lots of boys. And lots of skipping class."

"What about your father?" Jane asked carefully.

"Oh, he took off when I was five. Well, actually, my mother kicked him out when I was five. You see, we lived in Seattle, where I live now, and my mom had an affair throughout her residency. Did you ever meet Richard Webber? He worked with Derek when he was an intern. Anyway, it was him. And he was married too. And they had an affair for a long time. And they decided to ditch their spouses and be together for real. My mother divorced my father, only Richard couldn't go through with it, and broke up with my mother for good at the park while I was on the carousel. Then my mother moved us to Boston, and I didn't come back to Seattle until now. And Richard Webber is the Chief of surgery now, so I have to deal with him every freaking day." She sighed heavily. "I didn't realize it was him until last month. And he didn't even try to deny it. And the really stupid part is that he's been treating Derek like crap for months compared to Doctor Burke, when Burke is doing the exact same thing."

Jane blinked in confusion, struggling to fill in the gaps. "I'm sorry, dear, but you've lost me. What is it that Derek and this other doctor are doing?"

"Dating an intern. Burke is dating my friend Cristina. And Derek is dating me, obviously. I guess it's frowned upon, or whatever, but not against the rules. And the Chief was treating Derek and Burke so differently, and when Derek finally asked, he said it was because Burke valued his relationship more because he went to Richard and told him about his relationship."

"And Derek didn't do that?" Jane asked, concerned. It wasn't like her son to keep secrets.

"He didn't get a chance. The Chief caught us together in the hall... Not in a naked way or whatever. We were just talking. And I told him about my mother- She has Alzheimer's in case you didn't know that. At the time no one but me knew, but it was getting so hard to keep secret after more than four years, and I told Derek and he comforted me, and the Chief saw. So, yeah, Derek and I didn't get a chance to go to the Chief. And Burke went to the Chief after he had gotten Cristina pregnant and she had had a tube burst because it was an ectopic pregnancy. And Cristina had wanted it to stay a secret. I mean, barely anyone knew about them. More people knew about me and Derek. Even my resident knew."

"Well, that's something. Did you and Derek go to him?"

"Her," Meredith corrected. "And no, she caught us together to."

"Not in a naked way again?" Jane said lightly, amused by the young woman's terms.

"In a very naked way," Meredith countered. "She caught us having sex in Derek's car at a party. Well, not having sex... We were done, but still pretty much naked and...yeah... It was bad. She was really mad at me, made me jump through so many hoops for weeks. She thought it was to get ahead. But it really wasn't. I fell for him so freaking fast that I just couldn't...couldn't...walk away. And I don't think Doctor Bailey realized it was a completely isolated incident when she caught us. I mean, we had never done that before, have sex in a car. And it totally wasn't my fault. It was a party, and I had had a horrible day, and I was drunk, and Derek showed up...and he totally took advantage. I was drunk and he took advantage. Just like the first time, no matter how much he claims it was me that took advantage..." Meredith trailed off. "Sorry, where was I going with this?"

Jane hesitated, searching her mind for the safest topic. She had already learned far more about her son's sex life than she ever cared to know. "Uhm, you said something about your resident making you jump through hoops?"

"Right," Meredith said, easily latching onto the topic. "Tons of hoops. Kept me out of surgery a lot as punishment. Almost didn't let me shower after my patient's abscess exploded on me. Threatened Derek a lot."

"That doesn't seem fair."

Meredith sighed. "It sucked at the time. But it was totally worth it in the long run. I really, really love your son. He's...he's like the guy that you don't think exists until you meet him, you know? And he makes me feel...like I mean something to someone, like I'm not just a chronic disappointment like I am to my mother. I love him so much. And the really amazing thing is that he loves me back. And he's there all the time, saying things, and promising to be with me forever. And he makes every day seem special. Right from the beginning I knew he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Even thought it's still scary taking these steps, it's totally worth it."

"I..." Jane stammered, surprised to feel her eyes moist. "I'm glad you feel that way about him, Meredith. And I can tell you from the way he talks about you that he feels the same way about you."

"Really?" She asked, her voice wavering slightly.

"Really."

Meredith sniffed. "That's...good. Sometimes I still wonder. I mean, I know he loves me, and he reassures me all the time that I'm perfect to him, but there are still times when I wonder if I'm enough, you know? I've never done this before, and he has. And there are just things that I don't know how to do. He found out that I don't know how to swim, and now we're making a list of things I've never done to do together. Swimming. Skating. Tobogganing. Horseback riding. And that kind of thing is okay. Because I missed out on a lot of those things growing up because my mother didn't care to make sure I did them. But there are also relationshippy things that I'm just oblivious to."

"Relationshippy?" Jane asked with a laugh. She wondered if all the unique terms and words Meredith was using were a product of the morphine or were part of her character.

"Ah, now I see where Derek gets it from," Meredith accused. "He calls me all the time on these things. It's a word. If you understand what I was trying to say, then it counts as a word."

Jane laughed out loud. "Good to know."

"Anyway, there are things that I just don't know to do and say and stuff. Like, yesterday I was starting to feel crappy, and obviously didn't know it was my appendix at the time. And I thought maybe I was pregnant, because the symptoms fit. And I took two pregnancy tests and they were both negative. And it wasn't that I wasn't going to tell Derek. It's just that I didn't think to include him in the actual process of buying and taking the tests and waiting for the results."

Jane felt her heart go out to the girl in response to her deflated tone. "Was he angry that you didn't include him?" She asked, hoping her son had handled the situation well. Even from their short conversation, she could tell there were many levels to the woman he had fallen in love with. And although there wasn't a doubt in her mind that her son loved Meredith, she wondered how much patience he would have for some parts of their relationship. He had always been the type to want a committed relationship. He had always wanted to settle down and get married and start a family. Jane had been disheartened when years and years had gone by with no children produced between him and Addison, and she knew Derek would be eager to get to that point with this new relationship. And she knew her son tended to have blinders on to other people at times.

"I don't think so. I was bent over the toilet trying not to throw up when I told him, so I doubt he would have yelled at me or anything like that. But he told me that, under no uncertain terms, he wanted to be included if it happened again, that he wants to be around for everything, good and bad."

Jane smiled proudly. That was the son she had raised. Despite losing his father at an early age and living without a male role model for a decade, he had grown up to be a man she could feel proud to call her son, and not just for his profession. "He's a good man."

"He really is," Meredith agreed. "I've known so many guys who just don't care. And Derek...he makes me feel so safe. I've always had to take care of myself, ever since I can remember growing up, but he can just make all the bad stuff fade away. I've never felt more secure or more loved in my life. Hell, I've never felt loved, period. My mother never said it to me, as far as I can remember. Derek was the first person to ever say it to me. And he's the first person I ever said it to."

"You said a while ago that he said something about being around forever?" Jane prompted cautiously. "Have you two talked about a future?"

"We have," Meredith told her. "He's promised to never leave me, and I've promised the same. We're definitely in this for the long haul or whatever."

Jane smiled to herself, glad to hear that her son was putting his life back together so well, and glad that this woman would be in his life. "Have you talked about marriage?"

"In a more future way, yeah. He's living with me right now, in my house with my two roommates. And I know he's not exactly thrilled to be living with so many people, especially since the house seems to be a hotel for the hospital or something. Izzy and George, our roommates, both work at the hospital. They're interns with me. And Alex, another intern, he was dating Izzy for a while, so he was over a lot until he cheated on her with syph-nurse. And our other intern, Cristina, is over every time she and Burke have a fight. And George's girlfriend Callie, who's a resident, is over a lot now too. Derek even walked in on her naked in the hallway a couple weeks ago." She paused for a breath. "Anyway, Derek's putting up with it all for me for now. And he's agreed to wait until my internship is over before we move out somewhere together because there are only three months left now and I need to buckle down and study so I can pass my exam. So, we'll find a new place to live after that, because there is no way I am going to do the relationship thing in my mother's house. And then I guess marriage is the next step after that."

"So, you're going to get married?" Jane asked, ignoring all of the other things Meredith had said. Asking about things like 'syph-nurse' could wait until Meredith was off the influence of morphine. She feared bringing it up now would only start a new rambling speech that Jane wasn't sure she needed to hear.

"One day, for sure," Meredith confirmed. "But don't worry, Jane, I promise not to sleep with Mark, or anyone else for that matter...except Derek, obviously."

"I believe you," She offered. "I wasn't even thinking that."

"Good, because I know it could look really bad to you; Derek and I together like this. I get that it could look like a midlife crisis thing on Derek's part, and a vie for getting ahead on mine."

"I don't believe that for a second, Meredith. From talking with my son, I know how much you mean to him. And now, talking with you, I can tell how much you care for him. And I'm looking forward to meeting you in person one day soon. You'll be a wonderful addition to our family." Jane hesitated for a moment, but was unable to help herself with the next question. "Do you think there will be any other additions to our family? Have you and Derek discussed having children at all?" She asked hopefully. Her son was the only one of her five children who had not given her grandchildren yet, and she knew he had wanted kids.

"We haven't really talked about it," Meredith said openly, her inhibition still chugging away, fuelled by the morphine coursing through her system. "It's always sort of been a future maybe. Derek did tell me a while ago that if I ever did get pregnant that he was going to be there for me no matter what, taking full responsibility and whatever. And I can tell he wants kids, but hasn't pressure me at all because he knows how scary it is for me. And I never wanted kids before because I was terrified to turn out like my mother, and there is no way I would ever be able to live with myself if I put a child through what I went through."

Jane felt her hopeful bubble pop. "So, that's a no?"

There was a long pause before Meredith continued, her voice suddenly taking on a low and conspiratorial quality. "Can I tell you a secret that you can't tell Derek?"

"Of course."

"You have to promise not to tell him, because I haven't told him yet, because I only realized yesterday."

"Okay."

"You have to actually promise."

Jane laughed. This was almost like talking to one of her young grandchildren. _You have to swear not to tell mommy or daddy, grandma..._ "I promise not to tell Derek."

"Or anyone who may tell Derek, like his sisters."

"How about I promise not to tell anyone?"

"Oh, that's even better. Okay," she continued, her tone still quiet and controlled. "Yesterday I took the pregnancy tests, and I guess I was relieved and whatnot that I wasn't pregnant, because we're really not ready for a McBaby. But...there was a part of me that was kind of disappointed. Derek is amazing. And there isn't a doubt in my mind that he'd be a wonderful father. And the thought of having made a baby together..." She trailed off and sniffed. "I guess I just realized that I do want kids, with him. I can't do it by myself. But I believe that he'll be there with me, that he won't leave me. And I believe him when he tells me I'm not like my mother. And I'm confident that we can do it together, that we can have kids. So, yeah, I really think I want kids. And I know Derek does. So, to answer your question; we haven't really discussed it, but when we do, the answer will be yes."

Jane felt her heart skip a beat at the thought. "That's so good to hear, Meredith. I've always known my son would be a good father. I'm glad he'll get the chance with you."

"Me too. Not right away, but one day there will be a McBaby."

There was that term again. Jane furrowed her brow. "_Mc_Baby?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess you wouldn't get that. It's kind of a thing here at the hospital. We put Mc in front of words. I don't really know why... But people get some pretty funny McNicknames."

"Do you have one?"

"No, thank God. But Derek does. They call him Doctor McDreamy."

Jane laughed aloud before she could help it, and clapped her hand over her mouth in a weak attempt to stop herself. She caught sight of her husband wandering into the kitchen, sending her a questioning glance.

'Who are you talking to?_'_ He mouthed.

She pressed her hand over the microphone of the phone. "Derek's girlfriend. The poor girl is about to get her appendix out and is high on morphine. She called me, and has barely stopped talking."

Brian offered her amused smile. "And you're just going to let her go on?"

"What else would you have me do?"

"Tell her you have to go. Derek's not going to be happy."

Jane shrugged. "After what she's already told me, talking to her for longer isn't going to make a difference. There can't be anything that she could say to make herself more embarrassed."

Brian shook his head. "Just make sure Derek knows I had no part in this."

She raised an eyebrow. "I guess that means you don't want to know what the hospital calls my son as a nickname then?"

He looked on with sudden interest. "I never said that..."

She rolled her eyes. "Apparently they call him Doctor McDreamy."

Brian snorted. "Oh, I'm sure he loves that."

Jane laughed and removed her hand. "Sorry about that, Meredith. My husband just came in. I told him about Derek's nickname, and he thinks it's pretty funny too."

Meredith giggled. "He hates it, but does a good job tolerating it."

"What are some others?"

"Well, they call Mark McSteamy."

Jane started at the name. "Mark Sloan?"

"Yup."

"How do you even know him?"

"Oh, haven't you heard? He apparently moved to Seattle, got a contract here and everything. No one knew until he showed up at the hospital this morning. But he was here for at least a day a few months ago, and he got the nickname from my friends because he, apparently, stitched up his own face after Derek hit him."

Jane was almost overloaded but the sudden swell of information. The man who she had practically raised, who had destroyed her son's marriage, had moved to Seattle. But first and foremost was, "my son hit Mark?"

Brian looked up in surprise from across the kitchen. And then he shrugged. "Good for him."

"Yeah, the first time he showed up at Grace," Meredith responded. "Mark showed up out of nowhere and was talking to me. I mean, I had no idea who he was, and at first tried to ignore him, and then when he pushed more I told him I was very much taken. And then suddenly he was on the floor. Derek said he saw him and then he saw black. I'm not sure how much he even realized I was there until after."

Jane shook her head as she absorbed the information. "I've never seen my son so crushed as when he showed up on my doorstep to tell us he was moving to Seattle. It had only been five days, and no one even knew anything had happened. He lost his wife and his best friend in one blow. He was devastated."

"I think it hurt more that Mark would do that to him than Addison," Meredith offered. "I mean, he told me that his marriage wasn't what it should be. And he's forgiven Addison. They've come a long way in getting along at the hospital. I wouldn't call them friends yet, but they're on their way. But Mark... He hit him the one time, and I know he was pissed to find out Mark had been offered a job this morning. I think he misses him, having such a close friend. But I'm not sure if he can ever forgive him."

"They were very close, like brothers."

"He told me."

Jane shook her head sadly. Sometimes it felt like she had lost a son. "But you said that Derek has forgiven Addison?"

"Yeah, he has. She's not a bad person, and he sees that. She never meant to hurt him like that, but we talked last week, and I really think that she fell in love with Mark."

"You talked to Addison?" Jane asked in surprise.

"Yeah, she's actually pretty nice to me now. We talk a bit. She says she's moving on and everything, that she's glad Derek is happy. I'm glad she doesn't hate me. Derek's not the kind of guy you leave if you can help it. And even though they were separated when I met him and that I didn't even know she existed, I still felt guilty for a long time." She paused. "You do know that I didn't know he was married, right?"

"I do," Jane reassured. "Derek made sure I knew."

"Good, because I really don't want you to think too many bad things about me. I don't have a stellar past, but that doesn't mean I don't have morals. I wasn't looking for love. And I would never have knowingly gotten involved with a married man. Hell, I would never have gotten involved with Derek if I had known he would be my boss. But we met before either of us started work, and I couldn't help but continue it then. And by the time Addison showed up, it had been three months, and I just...couldn't walk away. I tried. I really tried. I told him it was over more than once. I told him not to talk to me or come near me. I told him so many things. But in the end..."

"You were in love with him," Jane finished, sending a quick glance towards her husband as he left the room. After her first husband had passed away, she had never expected to find love again. Brian had been a surprise when he had suddenly appeared in her life.

"I was. And I'm sorry for anything you may think of that-"

"Meredith, stop," Jane commanded. She wasn't sure how much of this the girl would absorb under the influence of the morphine, but she would try anyway. "You make my son happy, and that is all I need to know. I believe that you didn't know about Addison. And I believe my son when he tells me you are the most amazing woman he has ever met. I don't think anything negative about you."

Meredith sniffed. "Thanks."

Jane smiled to herself. "Now, all you have to do is to get rid of that rebellious appendix and get better so that you can finally come out and meet us, okay?"

"Okay. I am looking forward to meeting everyone. Derek was really excited about taking me out there. He talks about all of you a lot, and I can tell he misses you. He's really looking forward to introducing us in person. And I'm...looking forward to meeting you. I've never been around a real family before. I mean, my family is comprised of my friends and Derek. That's all. And I've always been terrified about the prospect of being part of a real, big family like yours because I have no basis for knowing what to do and say and whatever. I think that's what Derek didn't get at first when he got mad. But he gets it now, and he's been really great about explaining things and telling me things. And he's promised me that it's all going to be okay, so I'm looking forward to meeting you now."

"Good. We're all looking forward to meeting you too, Meredith. And regardless of what my son has said to you, we don't bite."

Meredith laughed, but didn't respond. Jane could hear movement in her vicinity on the other end of the phone. "George!" She finally exclaimed. "George is here," she told Jane. "He's my roommate," she explained. "George, do you want to say hi to Derek's mom?"

_"You're talking to Shepherd's mom?" _Jane heard a younger male voice ask, concern noticeable in his tone.

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith responded, the phone still up to her mouth even though she was speaking to someone in person. "Derek called her to tell her we wouldn't be making it tonight, even though I told Doctor Bailey I would be fine to fly as long as she got me into surgery soon. But he was being weird and not explaining himself well, and he left his phone when he got paged, so I thought it was a good idea to call her and make sure she understood what was going on." Meredith paused, turning her attention back to the phone. "I did explain properly, right?"

"Of course, dear," Jane said immediately, ignoring the fact that Meredith had begun to explain more than once, only to become sidetracked with her train of thought. And ignoring the fact that her son was the one thinking, and explaining, clearly while Meredith was not.

"And better than Derek?"

"Absolutely," she said with a laugh. It was just better to agree now.

"See?" Meredith said triumphantly to George. "I told you."

_"I never disagreed with you."_

"Whatever," Meredith said quickly. "George is going to scrub in on my surgery," she explained. "And I have all the faith in the world in him, even though he almost killed the last appendectomy patient he operated on. And he's got a girlfriend," she continued. "Named Callie. I told you about her, right? She works here too, because apparently we're all too lazy to go and meet people outside of the hospital. Although I did technically meet Derek at a bar. It was across the road from the hospital, but still, that's something, right?"

Before Jane could respond, she could here Meredith's roommate saying something in the background.

_"I don't really think Mrs. Shepherd needs to hear that, Meredith."_

"What? That we met in a bar. I'm sure she knows," she said, the phone still held up to her mouth as she spoke to George. "We met and we didn't know we would end up working together. Hell, I don't even think we exchanged names. I definitely didn't know his the next morning. And he was all cocky and amused and whatever, but I'm pretty sure he didn't know mine. Seriously, the man was far too confident for a guy who had just woken up naked on my living room floor."

Jane had no idea what to say to any of this. She had not been aware of her son's initial meeting with his girlfriend. She had always assumed they had met at work. And after all that Meredith had shared with her, she wondered if the poor girl would ever have the courage to show up at her home.

"_Oh, God... Meredith, seriously, you're sharing way too much. It's time to say goodbye."_

"It is not, George," she argued. "I'm having a conversation here." She returned her attention to Jane. "Sorry about that, everyone here is being weird today. I don't know what's gotten into them. What was I saying?"

Jane stammered slightly, searching her mind for a safe topic. "Um, you mentioned George was your roommate and he had a girlfriend who worked at the hospital?" Even though Meredith had already explained this twice, she hoped the girl would latch onto the topic and go from there in a safer direction.

"Right! Callie. She's really nice. Did me a huge favour last month that I probably shouldn't tell you about, because we have to have some boundaries here." She giggled to herself. "There are just some things that you don't need to know. Anyway, Callie's way better than George's last girlfriend, right George?" She said with a laugh. "His last girlfriend gave him syphilis. Callie just pees naked in front of people. Oh, and she was in the hall naked once when Derek came out of our room. It was really funny. She's still avoiding him when she can."

_"That's it. Give me the phone." Her roommate demanded. _

"No."

_"Meredith, give me the phone."_

There was a hissing noise and a lot of shuffling on the other end of the phone, and several male yelps, but eventually a hesitant voice spoke to her.

"Mrs. Shepherd? I'm George O'Malley; Meredith's roommate. Uh, she's really high on morphine right now." There were footsteps on the other end of the line, and Jane assumed George was leaving the room for this conversation.

"Hello, George," Jane said. "I know. My son called me about an hour ago to let me know what was going on. He left his phone behind and she called me after he left."

_"George! Bring ice chips when you come back!"_ She could hear in the back ground.

"Okay...good...that you know about the morphine," George said, ignoring Meredith's request. "Because she's not normally anything like this. She's really...quiet. And not into sharing so much detail. So, just ignore what she said, because she's really high and I'm sure she didn't mean it, any of it, especially the last bit about her and Derek. I'm sure she just heard that story somewhere else."

Jane smiled at George's attempt to protect his friend. He was obviously lying, but it was the effort that counted. "I'll keep that in mind," she said lightly. "And you may want to take the phone with you and find my son. If you leave it, there's no telling who she'll call. I can keep things confidential, while my girls may not be so forgiving..."

"Yeah, okay, I will. I'm...sorry about this."

"Don't be. We had a good talk for the most part. I'm looking forward to meeting her."

Jane said a quick goodbye to Meredith's roommate and hung up the phone. She returned to the counter where she had been stirring a batch of cookies to have ready for her grandkids. Her husband returned to the room with an empty glass for the dishwasher.

"So?" He prompted. "How was the rest of the conversation you shouldn't have been having?"

She rolled her eyes good naturedly at him. "She called me. I had every right to talk with her."

He shot her a knowing look.

She laughed. "And you were right. Derek is going to be in _so_ much trouble."

_**AN: I hope the 6k words + makes up for the delay. Originally this chapter was supposed to include everything Meredith did/said until her surgery, but it went so long that I thought it better to post now. I really hoped everyone liked the convo. I tried to include a mix of everything. I also wanted to take a chance for a big shout out at all the awesome people leaving such wonderful reviews for this fic. As I've said before, it was never supposed to reach this level, and was originally just a fun what if for, but you've pushed me to put more and more time and effort and thought and detail into it and it's quickly become my favourite fic to write. Thanks!**_


	38. Meredith on Morphine vs SGH

_**AN: I think this was one of my very favourite chapters to write. It's hard enough getting into Meredith's head at times. But here, it was get into Meredith's head and then add a healthly serving of morphine to the mix and then you get 6k words of...well, you'll see...**_

"George!" Meredith called after her retreating roommate, her attention already having left that of her cut-off conversation with Derek's mother. "Bring ice chips when you come back!"

George didn't respond as he hastily left her sight, Derek's cell phone pressed up to his ear.

Meredith sighed and laid her head back against the thin hospital pillow. She had never before realized how boring it was to be a patient. The few times she had been treated as a child, she had been much more interested in the medical treatment than the injury, in an attempt to find something to talk about with her mother, some common knowledge so that she could find a topic of conversation. There had been more than one time that she had made more of a small injury in an attempt to be taken into her mother's hospital even. But now that she was a doctor herself, and her mother was a black hole who she still couldn't talk to about anything, Meredith wasn't awed by the treatment, medication, plan, follow up... She knew how x-rays worked; she even knew how to read them. She knew how to stitch separated skin together, what type and number of stitches to use, and how the analgesic worked. She knew what antibiotics were. Antipuiretics. NSAIDs. Anti-histamines. Immunosuppressants...

Meredith Grey was a doctor. She knew how the human body worked, and she knew how to treat and fix problems within it. So, really, as a grown up and a as doctor, the whole patient thing? Not nearly as interesting as it had once been.

The only other time in her adult life that she had found herself to be a patient outside the yearly check up, blood work, pap smear, prescription kind had been the brief stint of 'we need to make sure your internal organs are still intact' after she had been caught in the bomb blast several months earlier. And even then the poking, prodding and laying still for scans had been a big, numb blur of shock; one of which her memory was still foggy.

Now, she wasn't numb. She wasn't in shock. She wasn't vying for attention.

Meredith had all of her faculties. She had been left alone. And her final ability to communicate with the outside world – Derek's cell phone – had been taken away from her.

With an irritated huff, Meredith crossed her arms over her chest, her trigger finger pushing the magic button beneath its tip. The cool, smooth knob gave under her pressure with a slight click, and a welcome calm washed over her.

She could no longer hear George's nervous voice wafting in through her open door. She was still optimistic that he would return with ice chips, but wasn't putting all of her hopes and dreams into the thought. After all, ice chips were only ice chips. Cold, hard, tiny pieces of water.

She bit her lip thoughtfully. She was thirsty, but not allowed to drink before her surgery. It was bad for her recovery, she knew, but she did wonder why ice chips were okay. What made the small chips of solid water so special, so magical like her button? And, seriously, how does one make water, which is a liquid, into ice, which is a solid?

Ice was cold. But water could be cold too. Just not as cold. And there was something that changed...something about the placement of the molecules...something... She scrunched up her face, willing herself to remember. She knew the answer, she did. She was a doctor, and doctors should know things like how water turned into ice.

Water was very special, very different. It was the only compound that's volume increased with cold. Something about the molecules. Oxygen. Hydrogen. Another oxygen; two for every hydrogen, in fact. It was a stable molecule, so then how does it- the bonds. The bonds _between _the molecules did something...changed...at a certain point. Zero degrees centigrade. Thirty-two degrees Fahrenheit.

"Seriously." Meredith muttered to herself as she wondered why she knew _when _water did something, but not _what_ it was that water did when it did it, or...something. Whatever. What was she thinking about again?

Water, right.

But...why?

Meredith blinked. Water was stupid. She couldn't even have any until after her surgery. Though, she really did want some ice chips.

Being a patient was boring. Her trigger finger reacted on instinct.

With a heavy sigh, she turned slightly to her side to stare at her doorway. George definitely wasn't coming back. Maybe someone else would come and visit her. Derek; she really wanted to see Derek. He was her...everything. Boyfriend. Friend. First love. Last love. Lover. Everything.

Her eyes pricked and she sniffed, suddenly at a loss for not having him with her. She was never bored when she was with him. He always knew what to do and say to make her feel better, happier, lighter, freer. He made her feel good about herself. For the first time in her life, she felt like she was someone to be proud of being, someone who could be loved; who deserved to be loved.

And he definitely loved her. There wasn't a doubt in her mind.

There also wasn't a doubt in her mind that she loved him. Or that they were going to make the whole long term, relationship, forever thing work. Or that they would get married. Or that they would start a family.

In fact, she was surprised to discover she had a lot fewer doubts in her life than ever before. She knew what she wanted to do, and she was doing it. She knew who she wanted to be with, and she was with him...and doing him too...

A series of sniggers escaped her lips. "Doing it, and doing him," she mumbled joyfully to herself. "It's a good life." She shook her head, wondering why no one was ever around when she was being funny. How would her friends ever know that she could be funny if they were never around when she made a joke?

With a nod, Meredith decided she would make more jokes, so that she could-

"Addison!" She screeched as she caught sight of a flash of red passing her door. "Doctor Montgomery!"

After a pause, Addison appeared in her doorway. "You bellowed, doctor Grey?" The older woman raised an eyebrow, masking a hint of a smile on her flawless face.

"Hi," Meredith responded, suddenly at a loss for what to say. She had reacted so quickly, in an admittedly desperate attempt at some social contact.

The corner of the redhead's lips twitched, before finally curling into an amused smile. "You certainly are, aren't you?"

What was she talking about? "I am not high," Meredith retorted. "I'm a doctor; a surgeon. I don't get high. It's against the rules."

Addison pursed her lips, her weight shifting from one leg to the other as she contemplated her response. "Of course," she finally agreed. "Good for you, for following the rules."

Meredith beamed at the praise. Addison was, after all, her boss. One of her bosses. Her boss's boss. One of her boss' bosses. Her...wait. Where was she going with this?

"So," Addison prompted, pulling Meredith from her train of thought completely. "I hear you're having an appy."

Meredith nodded. "Yup. Bailey and George are gonna do it. And I have faith in George, even though he almost killed the last guy he tried to appendect... appendecomize... appendectomectomy...ize..." She trailed off and shook her head. "Whatever. It'll be fine. Second time's the charm!"

"I think that's third time's the charm, Grey," Addison corrected, striding closer to the bed.

Meredith blinked. And then she blinked again. Third time. There was the one patient. And her. that was two. Not three. Three would be the next one. Not her. She was only number two. And that was...bad. Third time's the charm doesn't bode so well for number two.

Laughter exploded from her mouth once more. "Number two..." She murmured. "Addison," she said suddenly, remembering her earlier pledge to be funnier. "Guess what? Third time's the charm doesn't bode well for the second guy... Get it?"

Addison's lips pursed again. "How are you feeling?" She finally asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Fine. It's boring being a patient though. Not much to do. And George took my phone away...well, it was Derek's phone, but still. He took it away. And now I have no one to talk to. Derek got paged," she informed. "And my friends are working. And George took away my phone."

"Who were you calling? Letting your family know about your surgery?"

For a doctor, Addison wasn't so bright, Meredith thought to herself. She would, of course, never vocalize that, because it was rude, but seriously... "I don't have any family," Meredith reminded. _Everyone_ knew that. "Just Derek and my friends. And my mother, but even without the Alzheimer's she wouldn't have cared."

"What about your father?"

"He has a new family," Meredith answered, very matter-of-fact. "He wouldn't care either."

"Oh... I'm sorry, Meredith. I thought that maybe after he was here that you would have..." She trailed off and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

Meredith waved her hand at the apology. "It's not your fault my mother was a dirty whore and had an affair with the Chief and 'broke' my father, as his shiny new wife says." She made large, gesturing air quotes.

Addison's carefully masked expression cracked for a moment, and when it returned, her smile was a bit forced. If Meredith had been sober, she would have recognized shock and confusion, as well as a hint of understanding. "So, uhm, who were you talking with then?"

"Jane," Meredith said with a shrug. "She's actually really- Hey!" She exclaimed with a sudden realization. "You and Derek were married!"

"We were," Addison responded with a cautious nod.

"Which means Jane was your mother-in-law. Did she make you call her Jane too? Or is it a test that I failed miserably at? Because I want the woman to like me, and I really don't want to start out on the wrong foot, because that would be bad. Can you imagine if I did or said something stupid now? I'd be hearing about it forever. She'd be, like, a hundred years old, and Derek and I would be at some family...thing, and she'd be all 'remember when Meredith called me Jane?' So, did she?"

Addison's expression broke again, and she sighed as she settled herself down into the chair by Meredith's bedside, her new expression both thoughtful and apprehensive. "It's not a test," she finally said. "She has everyone call her Jane, and...wait. Did you say start out?"

Meredith nodded. "Mmm-hmm. It was only, like, the second time we've ever spoken. And the first time was like a minute long, at Christmas, so it doesn't really count."

One perfectly manicured eyebrow raised. "Derek let you talk to her, in your condition, by yourself, for the second time?"

"Not exactly. He left his phone after he called her. See, we were supposed to fly out there tonight, at ten, which means we would have been leaving in, like, ten hours...though, with the time difference we wouldn't have to leave for thirteen... Anyway, the point is, we were supposed to go to New York this weekend so I could meet everyone. And we had to cancel last time because Denny died and Izzy was on the bathroom floor. And Derek was being weird today. He's really not explaining himself well, and he was creating so many misunderstandings. Maybe he was thrown off that Mark was here- Mark!" She exclaimed, turning a suddenly interested gaze towards Addison. "Did you know he was coming? Did he come here for you?"

"Grey, we really don't need to talk about-"

"Come on! I told you things."

With a heavy sigh, Addison sat back in her chair, her hands uncharacteristically fidgeting with her lab coat. "I didn't know he was coming. He said he missed me, but..." She shook her head and avoided Meredith's gaze.

Biting down on her lower lip, Meredith studied the older surgeon's expression. A faint line of concern creased her forehead. Her eyes were downcast, but holding a hint of the quality Meredith had once found trained on herself. And her mouth was set into a tense line. "You're glad he's here," she stated.

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you." Addison's hand raised on its own, her fingertips just brushing at her hair before she stopped its movement, as if reminding herself not to mess with her styled locks.

"Because I'm an intern? Or because I'm the bitch who took your husband away from you?"

Addison's lips curled into a playful smile. "Both."

Meredith scoffed, and returned the smile, though she wasn't sure why.

"You didn't take Derek away from me," she stated, honesty filling her voice. "He slowly took himself far away. And then I pushed him the rest of the way. You were just the next woman who...caught him."

Meredith bit back a laugh. "And Derek claims _I_ have crappy metaphors."

"It wasn't crappy," she retorted, though her tone was light. "And it doesn't matter, because after the drugs wear off, you won't remember a word of this conversation, so really, I can say whatever I want." She smiled warmly at Meredith. "But, just for now, you're not a bitch, and I don't hate you, Meredith. I don't see you as the woman who took my husband. I see you as the woman who can make him as happy as he deserves..." She trailed off with a hint of sadness in her voice, but smiled warmly at Meredith.

Meredith smiled right back, still not understanding why she was doing so, but happy to be doing it. Smiling was fun. She should do it more often. "So, Mark?" She prompted.

"I had nothing to do with him showing up."

"But you're glad he's here now."

"I-" She was cut off by the beeping of her pager. "Saved by the bell," she murmured, standing. "Good luck with the surgery, Meredith. I'm sure everything will go well."

"Thanks, Addison. Good luck with Mark."

With a shake of her head, Addison turned to leave the room.

"Oh, and doctor Montgomery," Meredith called after her. "If you see George, will you remind him about my ice chips?"

000

With his emergency Burr holes successful, and his patient taken to the ICU, Derek had finished scrubbing his hands, and was just reaching for a few sheets of paper towel to dry them, when the door to the scrub room opened. He turned to recognize George, stepping hesitantly into the room, and his heart skipped a beat with sudden fear.

"Is Meredith okay?" He asked quickly.

"She's fine," George reassured quickly. "We're still waiting for an OR to clear up. But, um..."

Derek tossed the paper towel in the trash, trying to take a breath and cover for the fact that his heart had nearly doubled in pace for the brief moment panic that had set in. "What?"

George hesitated before reaching into his pocket. "Just as a warning, you're going to be in so much trouble after her surgery."

Derek furrowed his brow as he realized the younger man, his roommate, was biting back a smirk. "Why?" He asked cautiously.

George pulled a cell phone out of his pocket. Derek's cell phone. "You left this in her room."

"So?" Derek asked as he took the device.

"So, apparently she has decided that you are 'being weird and not explaining yourself well' today, so she took the liberty to make sure your, uh, mother understood the situation."

Derek paused. "She called my mother?"

George nodded, losing his battle to fight of the smirk.

"Okay. Okay, that's...okay. She just called to explain again. My mom knows what's going on, and that she's high. It's...okay." But everything in the younger man's expression told him it was far from okay.

"Yeah, but see, she's kind of in a chatty mood. In the time that I was in there alone, she told your mother about my first appendectomy patient, talked about Callie and the...naked peeing incident. And Olivia and the...syphilis..."

Derek had to bite back his own smirk at George's embarrassment. "Well, that's not too horrible, right?"

George made a noncommittal noise and averted his gaze.

"O'Malley?"

"I, uh..."

Derek sighed. "That's not all she talked about, is it?"

George cautiously met his gaze again. "No."

"What did she say?"

"Oh...I don't really..."

"George, for a moment forget I'm your boss. How bad is it?"

The long-threatening smirk finally broke free. "Bad."

"What did she say, exactly?"

"Well...she may have mentioned where you guys met...and how...and...you know, what happened after..."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. That was definitely not something he needed his mother to know. "Is that all?"

"I don't think so. I got the impression they were talking a long time."

"So, in other words, when she wakes up and realizes what she did, I'm dead meat."

George nodded. "Yup."

He sighed. "Well, thanks for getting the phone off her when you did. That's something at least."

George nodded, and then after slight hesitation, spoke again. "And, if we're still forgetting you're my boss, you totally owe me. She hit me twice when I took the phone off of her."

Derek cracked a smile. "That's my Meredith."

000

His emergency patient had been a victim of a collision, and his family had not yet been tracked down, leaving Derek with no reason to avoid returning to his girlfriend's hospital room. He could only hope that she was still happily high as a kite, completely amnestic to the phone conversation with his mother. And maybe, if Derek was lucky, she would wake up completely amnestic to her entire time on the morphine. His mother, he was sure could be bribed to never mention the conversation. And then...just maybe, Derek could be home free. He could pull this off; he just needed a sign.

His ex-wife leaving his girlfriend's room was not exactly the sign Derek was looking for. "Addison," he said suspiciously. "Were you just talking to Meredith?"

"Is that a problem?" She asked hotly, reacting to his tone.

"That depends on what you were saying to her," he retorted.

She took a breath, calming herself as she resisted the urge to offer her own retort. "She called me when I walked by, Derek. I wasn't going to ignore her."

Derek nodded, forcing his own tone to lighten. "What did she say?"

"Not much of anything. Or, rather, a lot, but didn't stick with anything for very long. Told me about George's first appendectomy. Asked whether she should really call your mother by her first name. Oh, and she told me my metaphors were crappy..."

Derek cracked a smile. "Don't take too much offence to that. She called me pathetic earlier."

Addison laughed. "Even on the morphine she's pretty observant."

He rolled his eyes good naturedly.

She smiled in response and paused for a moment. "I didn't know he was coming here," she finally said."

He met her gaze evenly and sighed. There was no need to ask who _he_ was. "Why is he here?"

She hesitated, opening her mouth, but not making a sound.

"Is he here for you?"

"I... I don't know," she whispered. "I didn't know until you did this morning. And he...well, he's Mark," she finally offered. They both knew Mark Sloan tended to make spontaneous decisions. He wasn't well known to think very many of life's big decisions through. He had chosen his undergraduate university because it was where Derek was going. He had chosen to become a doctor because it was what the Shepherd kids were doing, and he had chosen his medical school for the climate. Plastics had been the first type of surgery he had scrubbed in on as an intern.

"Are you glad he's here?"

Addison met his eyes for several seconds before shrugging. Derek was disheartened to be so lost by the look in her eyes. Had there ever been a time where he would have been able to read this expression? Had he ever known her as well as he had thought, as well as he knew Meredith now, after only nine months?

"It's okay if you are," he offered.

She cocked her head. "Is it?"

He nodded, with only a hint of hesitation. "I'm happy. And I want for you to be happy too."

"That's awfully big of you."

He chuckled. "I'm growing."

She smiled. "I'm glad that you're happy, Derek." She motioned towards the room beside them. "She really is good for you. And she really loves you."

"You think so?"

She nodded. "I do, so don't screw this up, Derek. Don't hurt her."

He shook his head. "Never."

"Good. Anyway, I need to go check on my patient." She motioned towards her pager.

"I'll see you later. Oh, and Addison?" He called after her, and waited until she turned back towards him. "I meant what I said. If he makes you happy..."

She nodded. "Thanks, Derek, but I just...don't know yet."

He nodded and turned towards Meredith's door, only to be called back by Addison.

"Derek? She also mentioned something about ice chips. That may win you points for when she realizes you left her with your phone..."

"Is there anyone who doesn't know about that yet?" He grumbled.

000

After Addison left, Meredith hummed along to a tune in her head, that at one time she would have known the lyrics to, but now couldn't even place where it was from. It was so familiar... She really should know where it was from. A television show? Commercial? Product lyric? Something...

She sighed and cut herself off at the realization that maybe – just maybe – the morphine was beginning to cause mental symptoms. And she really hoped that the memory deficits were the only symptoms she would experience. She had seen patients on the drug exhibit euphoria, and extreme outgoingness and talkativeness. And _that_ would be embarrassing, so she really hoped she was taken into surgery before any further symptoms set in.

"Hey," a welcome voice sounded from her doorway.

"You came back!" She called as her boyfriend approached her bed, one hand behind his back.

His lips twitched. "Of course I came back," he replied. "I love you far too much to stay away from you."

Meredith found herself beaming. "You really love me that much?"

He leaned down to kiss her. "Mer, I really do."

She sighed happily. "I love you that much too."

"Good to hear." He smiled warmly as he sat and pulled his hand from behind his back, holding out a small cup to her. "And I brought you something..."

With a questioning look, Meredith took the cup. "Ice chips!" She exclaimed as she caught sight of her present. "You do love me!"

Derek chuckled. "Ice chips say 'I love you'?"

She nodded emphatically, tipping the cup back to pour some ice into her dry mouth. "Mmm," she murmured. "Thanks, Derek."

"My pleasure."

With her free hand, Meredith reached towards him, grasping onto his shirt to pull him up and close. She pressed her lips solidly against his.

"What was that for?" He asked lightly when she pulled away.

She smiled at him and shrugged. "Because you're you. And you brought me ice chips. You're taking care of me, which I normally wouldn't like, but do right now..."

He smiled back before pecking her lips. "I like taking care of you," he replied tenderly, setting himself down on the side of her bed, facing her. "When you let me."

Meredith reached for his hand, entwining their fingers. "I like it to," she responded, breaking into a smile, "When I let you. You're like my knight in shining...whatever..."

He raised an eyebrow. "Your knight in shining whatever?"

She nodded. "Mmm-hmm," she confirmed, wondering why he wasn't getting it. "I can be funny," she told him harshly.

His eyebrow continued to be raised. "I never said you couldn't. And I wasn't aware knight in shining whatever was a joke..."

"It's not," she responded with exasperation. "It's the truth."

"But, I thought you just said-"

"Just because something is true doesn't mean it isn't funny, Derek."

A short breath, laced with laughter and amusement, escaped his lips. "I love you," he murmured.

Meredith felt her sternness dissipate immediately as her heart melted. "You're not supposed to be able to do that," she complained.

He smiled his patented McDreamy smile. "Do what?" He asked, his eyes twinkling.

"Just say three words and make me forget why I was mad at you. This isn't going to bode well for me in the future..."

He chuckled. "First of all, you weren't mad, just a little annoyed. And second, don't worry a bit about the future; you have just as much, if not more, power over me."

"Yeah?"

Derek nodded, before pressing his lips gently against hers for several seconds. "Yeah."

"Good. And I guess you're right. I wasn't really _mad_ at you. It's just...you're being weird today, and I don't really know what to do about it."

Derek nodded, and if she had been sober, Meredith would have realized exactly how hard he had worked to keep a straight face. "I'm sorry. And I promise that after your surgery I'll be back to normal."

She cocked her head to the side, her heart suddenly going out to him. "You don't have to be worried, Derek," she offered, suddenly fearing that anxiety about her operation was what had affected his personality so drastically. "I'll be fine."

There was a short moment where he remained relatively expressionless and failed to respond. Then a warm smile broke out across his face and he leaned in to kiss her again. "I'm allowed to worry," he finally said, his voice light and playful. "I _am_ your knight in shining whatever after all..."

"You do get it!"

He laughed and shifted on the bed, moving to sit beside her, so that they were facing the same direction, both leaning against the raised back of the bed. "I do," he agreed, wrapping an arm around her waist to hold her close. "And I get you, which is the perfect deal."

Meredith smiled at him as she reached her hand down to entwine her fingers with the ones resting along the edge of her abdomen. "Do you want to hear my other jokes?"

"I thought it wasn't a- Of course I do," he stammered.

She sent him a questioning look, but shrugged it off. "You know the saying, _third time's the charm_?"

He nodded.

"Well, third time's the charm doesn't bode well for the second guy..." She giggled. "And that's me!"

Derek furrowed his brow. "Okay..."

"Do you get it?"

He pursed his lips and hesitated before cautiously shaking his head. "Not exactly..." He began hesitantly. "What makes you the second guy?"

"Oh, right, you weren't there," she said in remembrance, shaking her head at herself, and missing the subtle sigh of relief he took. "George screwed up his first appy. And I'm his second attempt. The next guy will be fine."

His arm tightened around her. "Are you worried?"

She shook her head. "I already told you I wasn't," she reminded, hoping he would regain his normal persona by the time her surgery was over. "I have faith in George. And Bailey will be there..."

"Good." He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "I don't want you to be worried."

Meredith smiled. "Do you want to hear my other joke?"

"Okay..."

She smirked, hoping he would like this one more. "I know what I want to do, and I'm doing it. And I know who I want to be with, and I'm doing him... You," she corrected quickly. "Crap. I said it wrong. The point is, I'm doing it, and I'm doing you." She laughed. "Get it? It rhymes."

He shook his head. "It doesn't rhyme."

She rolled her eyes. "Play on words. Whatever."

Derek warm laughter filled the air around her, making her heart flutter. "I really do love you."

"I love you too." And she really did. With a sigh, she pressed her button and laid her head against Derek's strong shoulder. "I'm sorry we can't go to New York, Derek. I know you were looking forward to it. But this is taking way too long, and I don't think we'll be able to make the flight..."

He twisted and his free arm wrapped around her, closing her into a tight hug. "I've already cancelled the flight, Mer. And don't worry for a second. We'll make it eventually, and all that matters is when I finally do get to go, that you're there with me, okay?"

She nodded against him. "Okay."

His lips found purchase against her forehead, and after a moment she felt him smile. "See, it's just like you said: Third time's the charm. And it didn't bode well for the second time..."

"You really do get me," she murmured.

"Of course I do." A whuff of playful air escaped his lips. "I get you, and I get to do you..."

Meredith broke out in a torrent of giggles, and shoved playful at his chest.

He only tightened his hold on her, keeping her comfortably close.

"You know, if Bailey caught you on the bed with me, she'd probably yell at you."

"You are absolutely right, Doctor Grey," Bailey's very familiar voice sounded from the doorway. She glared at Derek. "You know this is inappropriate, Doctor Shepherd."

Derek sighed and released his hold on her, but didn't leave the bed, choosing instead to remain beside her, one arm draped around her waist. He turned his gaze to the resident approaching them. "I thought I wasn't a doctor right now? That I was in this room as a friend or family member?"

"Family member," Meredith cut in with a roll of her eyes. When was the man going to realize how much he meant to her?

"And you wouldn't yell at me if I was any other _family member_ with any other patient." He emphasized the important term and tightened his arm around his girlfriend.

Bailey grumbled something low in her throat, and continued to glare at Derek, but even she couldn't prevent the corner of her lips from twitching in amusement.

"It's really okay, doctor Bailey," Meredith quickly said, suddenly feeling the need to explain for Derek again. "He's just sitting with me. We're not having sex. See," she motioned to her hospital gown and his scrubs. "We're still dressed and everything."

"I can see that, doctor Grey," Bailey said with an amused voice.

"It's not like the time you caught us having sex in Derek's car," she continued. "We don't even have sex in the hospital. Well, except for the one time at prom in the-" She was cut off when Derek's hand clamped over her mouth. She turned her head and fought to rid herself of it, but he was determined, moving easily with her movements.

Bailey cleared her throat. "Anyway, I just came to inform you that an OR should be cleared and ready within the hour. I'll send George in to prep you, okay? Do you have any questions?"

Meredith shook her head and smiled widely after Derek removed his hand.

Her resident narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"You're pretty."

With a huff, Miranda Bailey turned and left the room.

Meredith watched her go, saddened once more at the realization that this operation, though it was necessary, would mar her skin. "Derek, will you still think I'm pretty when I have a huge, ugly scar?"

He clucked his tongue. "It will be a small scar. And I'll think you're beautiful. Just like I do now."

"Really?"

"Absolutely." He slid off the bed and carefully shifted the blanket down and the bottom of her gown up to expose her abdomen. Meredith shivered as his fingers ran along the patch of skin that would, within the hour, be cut open. The roughness of the very tips of his fingers tickled her bare skin, running back and forth along a short, invisible line between her navel and hip bone. "There will be a tiny scar right about here," he murmured.

She nodded and slid her hand down to lie flat across the small expanse of skin. "It will take a while to heal."

He nodded. "There are lots of stages. And it'll take a while to blend in." He gently pried her hand away from herself and tipped himself down to kiss all around the skin in question. "And I'll be here to watch it heal," he reassured her. "And fifty year from now, it'll just be a faint line, barely noticeable. But I'll know it's there." He smiled so tenderly at her that tears formed in her eyes. "I want to know every inch of your body forever, Mer. I want to know every scar, freckle, indent...everything. Every little imperfection that makes you so beautiful and so perfect."

Meredith felt a single tear slip over her lower eyelid and trail down her cheek. How had she gotten so lucky? She had never felt half as beautiful before as she did when she was with him. "Okay," she mumbled, reaching for a fistful of his scrub top and pulling him close to hug. Her arms wrapped around his neck on their own accord as soon as he was close enough, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent that was Derek. Her Derek. "I really, really love you," she murmured.

"I really, really love you too."

She sighed. "I want to meet your family, Derek. I want to go to New York with you, and meet everyone. And I really hope they like me, because I'm sure we'll be going a lot."

"A lot, huh?"

She nodded and pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. "I know how important they are to you, Derek. And even if I've never done the family holiday thing before, I know what it's all about. And I get that you'll want to spend some holidays there; like Christmas and Thanksgiving and stuff."

"Only if you're happy to come with me."

"But that's what I'm saying. I want to go with you. I want to learn how to do all the family stuff. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Derek," she told him, not sure where the sudden burst of confidence was coming from, but not about to let the opportunity pass. "I want to get married. And I want..." She swallowed hard, meeting his eyes head on. "I want to start a family with you."

A faint hiss filled the air as a rush of air escaped his lips. And suddenly her eyes weren't the only with tears in them. "You...you want to start a family?"

She nodded. "With you, I do, Derek. I never wanted to before because...well, you know why. But right now? Right now I can't think of a single reason why a kid who had you as a father wouldn't be the luckiest kid in the world. And having you as a husband would make me the luckiest woman in the world. And we'd be the luckiest family ever, Derek."

He pulled her against his chest again, burying his face in her hair and breathing deeply. "I really hope you mean this," he whispered, his voice throaty.

"Of course I do. What would make you think I didn't?"

His hand ran up and down along her spine. "I..." He sighed. "You _are_ on morphine."

She shook her head against him. "Don't worry about that, Derek. I'm not feeling any effects." He pulled back to meet her eyes, and still didn't look convinced, so she continued. "Plus, I figured this stuff out yesterday."

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. "Really?"

She furrowed her brow and shot his an incredulous look. "What is wrong with you today? First you're all over the place, causing one misunderstanding after the other. And this is like the millionth time you haven't believed me. And-"

He cut her off with a deep kiss. "It's just hard to believe how happy I am sometimes," he admitted. "You make me so happy, Meredith."

"You make me happy too, Derek. So freaking happy. Even when you're being weird..."


	39. The End of Meredith on Morphine

Meredith smiled at all of the familiar faces as she was wheeled through the surgical floor towards the elevator that would take her to the OR floor. George was behind her, steering her gurney, whispering at her to stop as she waved happily to everyone she knew – and didn't know – as she passed by. When he had arrived to prep her, Derek had stepped out to check on his patient, but still hadn't returned. He had promised to see her again before her surgery, but time was running out.

Still, Meredith wasn't too worried.

"How are you doing, Mer?" The worried voice of her roommate called softly.

Meredith waved her hand at the pilot of her gurney, back and forth twice before offering him a thumbs-up. "I'm grrrreat, George!"

He sighed heavily, and the gurney slowed to a stop. George appeared suddenly in her sight range, his expression apprehensive. "Are you sure? Because you are about to have surgery, Meredith. And...it's okay to be worried..."

"I'm not worried, George."

"Just keep in mind that an appendectomy is a routine procedure. Very little time under anaesthesia. Short recovery. Low rate of problems. You'll be fine." He continued, unconvinced by her reassurances of being fine.

Frustrated by her roommate's apparent fixation on her being worried, Meredith swiped a hand towards him, managing to clip the edge of his forearm.

"Hey!" He chastised. "You're not supposed to hit your doctor."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, you're not supposed to annoy the hell out of your patient. Seriously, George, bed side manner; look it up."

George sighed, making sure to remain out of arm's length when he spoke again. "I know that you're drugged and everything, but-"

"I'm not drugged," Meredith countered. Seriously, what was it with the entire freaking staff of the freaking hospital accusing her of being high? She was perfectly sober. It was them that were acting like neurotropic drugs were invading their synapses.

He considered her for a moment before nodding. "Fine. I get that you're all _fine_ and _not worried_ and all, but...I'm your friend first, Mer, before being your doctor, so you can tell me if you're scared, because I'm here for you..."

Despite her annoyance with the situation, Meredith was surprised to feel her eyes welling with tears. She reached her hand towards him, and scowled when he leaned away, having learned the hard way to be leery of her hand. "George, get over here," she commanded.

With a hesitant glance each way down the hall, he slowly leaned closer.

As soon as he was within range, Meredith grabbed a fistful of his scrub top and pulled him half over the gurney to hug him.

"Oh, I...uh..." He stuttered. "This wasn't exactly...uh..."

She ignored him. "Thank-you for being my friend, George," she said, still clutching tightly to him.

He finally relaxed somewhat, hesitantly hugging her back, using the hand not holding himself off of her to carefully pat her on the back. "Hey, I'm glad to be your friend, Mer. And I'm glad you're my friend, because you're a great friend, but..." He pulled away as far as she would let him. "Maybe you should let go of me in case Shepherd shows up..."

Meredith giggled, but did as instructed. "You can call him Derek, George," she explained as George stood upright again. "He is your roommate too. And I'm allowed to hug anyone I want. It's a rule. Okay, maybe not a rule, rule. But it should be. I'll make it a rule. And he won't mind. You know why?"

George shook his head. "Why?"

She smiled back at her roommate, warmth filling her heart. "Because not only does he love me, but he _trusts_ me," she whispered.

George returned her smile and nodded. "He does," he agreed. "But why do you sound surprised?"

Meredith sighed and shrugged. How could she begin to explain the issues that come with being an only child of an emotional distant, borderline emotionally abusive mother, to a guy who grew up with two brothers and happy parents? She was confident George had never doubted that parents loved him; George had never thought to doubt it. Meredith had never thought to believe it. "No one has ever loved me or trusted me before," she said simply, hoping he would hear what she wasn't saying.

"Oh, Meredith," he said quietly. "That can't be true..."

"But it is," she responded, very matter-of-fact. Her mother had taught her from an early age to refrain from forming close personal relationships – to avoid, to distance oneself, to never be vulnerable, to never believe in love, to never trust in anything except science - and it had taken Meredith until her return to Seattle after more than two decades to realize just how wrong that was. Because love existed. And things like being vulnerable were scary, but they were also worth it.

George cautiously reached for her hand, giving it a squeeze. "Well, for what it's worth, I love and trust you too," he said, his voice hesitant, but honest. "Maybe not the same way Shepherd does, but you're one of the best friends I've ever had, Meredith."

She felt her lips curling into a bright smile. "You too, George. And...thanks."

He gave her hand another tight squeeze before releasing it. "Well, I should really get you to surgery now, if you're ready?"

"I'm ready, George. And try to make it quick, okay? Because there could still be a chance that Derek and I could get to the airport and-" Meredith cut herself off as her sights fell on the recognizable man standing at the nurses' station before her. "It's McSteamy," she told George.

He nodded. "Yeah, it is, but I don't think-"

"McSteamy!" She called out, trying to get his attention. "Woohoo! McSteamy!"

Mark's head, along with almost every other one at and around the nurses' station, turned to face her. She waved him over. He closed his chart and sauntered over to her gurney, nodding an acknowledging greeting at George. "Is that what you're calling me now?"

A giggle escaped her lips and she shrugged. "We are, but I don't think you're supposed to know that..."

He shook his head, a smile playing across his lips. "So, I heard my fellow dirty mistress is having an appy."

"Yup," Meredith said, nodding emphatically. She waved a nonchalant hand towards he roommate, "George is going to appendectomize me," she explained, and then brought three fingers to her palm, leaving her index finger out to point at Mark. "But I'm not your dirty mistress."

"I never said you were _my_ dirty mistress. You're Derek's dirty mistress."

She glared at him, still pointing. "He'll kill you if he hears you call me that."

Mark rolled his eyes in good nature and reached for the hand that was still accusing him, in an attempt to stop her, but Meredith wrenched it out of his grasp immediately.

"He'll also kill you if he sees you touching me."

Mark did his best to look casual, but not even the morphine coursing through her system prevented Meredith from glimpsing the flash of pain that flittered across her boyfriend's ex-best friend's eyes as he pulled his hand away from her. He cleared his throat and kept his distance, maybe even more distance than the situation required. "Derek seems awfully protective of you," he stated, most of his usual confidence back in his voice. He made a show of motioning towards George, who was still close by, torn between keeping his distance from the new Attending and showing support for his roommate.

George opened his mouth and began to stammer a response, but Meredith cut him off.

"Don't do that," Meredith chastised, shaking her head. "Derek's not that guy, and you know it. And I know it. And you know that I know it. And I know that you know that I know it. And you know that I know that you...wait." She paused for a moment to recollect her thoughts. "The point is...Derek has only ever been protective of me in regards to you. And with good reason," she reminded. "In fact, the only reason he hasn't punched you again today is because I made him promise last time that he would never do that again. _And_ don't even try to bring George into this," she said, waving her hand towards her roommate. "I live with him, so obviously Derek trusts me and him."

Mark sighed and nodded as he absorbed the new information. He glanced cautiously towards George before meeting Meredith's eyes once more. "Sorry," he offered very quietly.

She smiled brightly at him. "No worries; just don't let it happen again."

He smirked. "I'll try and contain myself."

Meredith giggled. "Now, we have something very important to talk about..." She prompted.

Mark raised an eyebrow. "Do we, now?"

She nodded emphatically. "Mmmhmm."

"And that would be?"

She rolled her eyes, wondering why men could be so dense. "Addison."

The confident smirk on his face fell away immediately, morphing into an uncertain grimace, which was quickly masked by a forced, neutral expression. "That's not something we need to discuss."

"But it is," Meredith insisted. "I've already talked to Addison."

Mark paused, his stonewalled expression cracking enough to let a sudden burst of curiosity to shine through. He tightened his jaw for a long moment before sighing and shifting his weight, a clear indication that he was going to stick around for the conversation. "So," he began hesitantly, "What did she say?"

"It wasn't what she said," Meredith explained. "It was what she didn't say."

Mark narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Did you come here for her?"

"That's not what I asked."

"No, but it's what I'm asking."

Mark sighed heavily and glanced at George, who had the decency to avert his eyes. "I came for them both," he finally admitted.

"You love her." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes."

"And you miss your best friend." Another statement.

"Yes."

Meredith offered him a small smile. "Good. Now, I can't talk for Derek...but I know Addison cares for you, Mark."

A flicker of hope flashed through his eyes. "Really?"

She nodded. "Without a doubt."

His lips curled into a small, hesitant smile, causing Meredith to glare at him.

"Don't go messing it up again," she ordered, once more pointing her index finger accusingly at him. "I don't know what you did to her, but I can tell you hurt her," she explained. "And she deserves better."

The remainder of Mark's careful control over his facial expression fell away at her words, a look of sudden integrity taking over. "I know she deserves better," he said quietly. "I... I love her, and I want to... I want to make her happy. I want to be able to make her happy. And I screwed that up before – back in New York – but I won't do that again."

Meredith smiled proudly at her work. Even if everyone around her today was acting crazy didn't mean she couldn't do some good. "Good."

He smirked. "And you really think she...she..."

"Loves you?" Meredith supplied.

He nodded.

"I do," she agreed. "But she's still not admitting it to herself, so don't push her."

He nodded again. "What...what should I do?"

"...useless..." Meredith muttered under her breath, pulling a chuckle from George. She rolled her eyes at Mark, wondering how such a successful surgeon could be so unbelievably dense. "Remember all that stuff you just told me?"

Another nod.

"Tell her. And then tell her you're here to stay, and that you'll do anything and everything it takes to make everything up to her."

"I can do that."

"Good."

He smirked and opened his mouth to respond, but closed it quickly and took a step away from her bedside, his eyes trained on something on the other side of her.

Meredith turned her head and smiled warmly when she spotted Derek hurrying to her side, momentarily forgetting about Mark. "Hey!"

He stepped up to her side and reached for her hand, and after sending a warning glance towards Mark he leaned down to kiss her. "Hey. I'm sorry; my patient's family just showed up and had lots of questions. I was afraid I was going to miss you..."

Meredith shrugged. "You're here now," she said simply. "George kept me company. And we've been talking to Mark."

"So I noticed," Derek ventured, sending a second angry glance towards his former best friend.

Mark held up a hand. "Hey, man, she called me. All I did was talk with her."

Meredith pursed her lips and glanced questioningly back and forth between Derek and Mark for a moment before realization hit. "Crap," she muttered, gaining Derek's attention. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I forgot you two weren't talking."

The corner of his lips curled upward. "Maybe I'm not the only crazy one today..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're not being very knight-in-shining-whatever-y."

He leaned down to kiss her again. "I love you."

"Trying to distract me again-" She was cut off as he captured her lips once more.

"Hmm," he agreed, "You've discovered my secret weapon..."

She giggled. "Not like it was much of a secret."

Mark chuckled. "Shep's never been much good with secrets," he said lightly.

Derek rolled his eyes. "Better than you," he retorted, and the two former friends stared at each other with a mock challenge before both seemed to realize at the same time that they had fallen into their old routine without thought. Derek quickly cleared his throat. "Uh, don't you have patients to see, Dr. Sloan?"

There was a swell of tension as Mark hesitated before nodding. "I...do, Dr. Shepherd," he agreed. "I'll...go..." With a curt nod, he turned and disappeared behind a corner.

Meredith glanced upwards, watching as Derek's eyes followed his former friend. She squeezed his hand, and smiled as his gaze returned to her. "He misses you," she offered. "He told me he came for both you and Addison."

Derek sighed and leaned down to kiss her, not saying a word.

She clutched at his scrub top when he broke their kiss, pulling him so his forehead rested against hers. "I love you too," she told him, realizing she hadn't said it back, and that maybe he needed to hear it.

"I'm so glad I made it before they took you in," he whispered.

She shrugged. "I wouldn't have been mad if you hadn't. I'm not that kind of girlfriend."

He chuckled and lifted his forehead away from hers and replaced it with hip lips. "No," he agreed, "You're not. And I wasn't worried about you being mad; not with your tiny, ineffectual fists and all..."

She rolled her eyes and held up a fist to him. "Try me."

He deftly hooked his fingers around her wrist and pulled her hand to his lips, kissing each curled finger. "I love you," he said again.

This time even George laughed at him.

Meredith giggled and opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off.

"Derek Shepherd!"

Derek winced and turned to face his girlfriend's resident. "Miranda Bailey."

She glared at him, unhindered by his superior height or title in the hospital. "Here I was coming to find out what was taking my _intern_," she glared at George, "So long to bring my _patient_," she glared at Meredith, "To surgery." She glared at Derek. "And here I've found my reason."

"Hey, I've only been here for about two minutes," he countered.

"Surgeries are scheduled to make the most efficient use of the ORs, Dr. Shepherd," she continued, "So that we can help the most number of patients possible. And you're screwing with my schedule."

"Two minutes," Derek repeated. "And I was with _my_ patient before."

"It's true, Dr. Bailey," Meredith added. "Derek just got here. First I was talking to George and then to McSteamy."

Bailey narrowed her eyes at her intern. "I thought Derek was McSteamy?"

Meredith made a face and shook her head. "No, he's McDreamy. Mark is McSteamy."

With a heavy sigh, Bailey shifted her eyes from her uninhibited intern to her embarrassed boss, allowing herself a moment of triumph at his red face. "Do I look like I care, Grey?"

Meredith huffed and crossed her arms across her chest. "You asked."

Derek laughed, causing Miranda to glare at him once again. "We have to get her into surgery," she snapped.

He nodded and took her hand as George began to push the gurney once more. Meredith went back to smiling and waving as she passed by hospital employees, patients and visitors on route to the OR. They were just coming up to the ominous double doors that Meredith had only ever been through before as a doctor when Bailey signalled George to stop.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked.

Bailey took a breath and stood up straight, staring down Derek, even from her lower height. "This is as far as you go, Derek."

His gripped tightened on her hand and he shook his head. "I'm going right to the OR."

"No, you're not."

"Miranda-"

She shook her head. "You assured me, when you were sharing a bed with my intern earlier, that you were here for her as a family member. And family members don't cross through those doors."

"Oh, so this is revenge."

"You are here with _my_ patient as a family member."

He glared at her. "I'm not an ordinary family member."

"I don't care."

"Well, I do. I love her, and I'm a surgeon here. I have full right to be in that OR."

"I will not perform a surgery while my patient's boyfriend is breathing down my neck."

"I'll keep my distance. I'll even step out after she's under."

She shook her head. "No. You will not step foot past these doors the entire time she's on my table."

"You're being unreasonable."

Bailey cocked her hip. "Do you need me to call the Chief? I'm sure he'd be more than happy to come and sort this out."

Derek sighed, long and heavy. "I just..."

With a show of sudden compassion, Bailey stepped forward and placed a hand on his forehand. "I'll take good care of her, Derek. We should be less than an hour. And you need to find something else to do during that time then stalking my OR."

He nodded and turned his attention back to Meredith.

Meredith smiled up at him, having watched his interaction with her resident silently. "I'll be fine," she assured him. "Bailey and George are going to appendectomize me."

The corner of his lips twitched at her words and he leaned down to kiss her. "I'll be there when you wake up."

She nodded. "I know."

He kissed her again. "I love you."

"I know, and guess what?" She asked brightly.

"What?"

"George loves me too!"

Derek's gaze shifted quickly to the younger surgeon who was suddenly gripping onto the gurney for dear life, his eyes wide. "I...uh..." He swallowed hard. "As a friend. I love her as a friend. She had this whole thing about no one ever having loved or trusted her before you. And I... She's one of my best friends. And my roommate. And I do love her...as a friend. Not the way you do. I told her that even."

An amused chuckle escaped from Derek's lips as he watched his roommate flounder.

"O'Malley, shut up," Bailey commanded.

"Yes, Ma'am."

Meredith giggled, though she wasn't exactly sure why.

"Say goodbye to Dr. Grey, Derek."

Derek sighed and leaned down for one last kiss. "You'll be fine," he assured her.

She narrowed her eyes at him when he pulled away. "I told you that earlier." Meredith shook her head and glanced towards her resident. "I don't think he has very much confidence in your skills, Dr. Bailey."

"I have plenty of confidence in Dr. Bailey's skills," he retorted. "Other wise I wouldn't let her near you with a scalpel."

"That's almost romantic."

He smirked. "I'm a romantic kind of guy."

"Oh, for the love of..." Bailey shook her head, pretending not to be please with Derek's comment about her skills. "Say goodbye to Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey."

Meredith waved at Derek with her free hand. "Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd."

With one last squeeze, he finally released her other hand. "I love you."

"I love you too," she called, still waving as she was pushed through the double doors.

"Fool," Bailey muttered under her breath as she walked along side her two interns, her surgery starting a good half hour later then it could have. She glanced at Meredith. "I can't imagine what that man would be like should you ever need anything more serious then an appy. He's a tad neurotic when it comes to you."

Meredith smiled brightly. "That's because he loves me."

_**AN: So, in the words of George 'Life...sucks.' LOL. Sorry about the massive delay. I was horrified when I saw that it has been more than a month since I updated. However, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I began this fic exactly ONE YEAR AGO TODAY! So, it was a good day to update. And big thanks to everyone who has been reviewing and PMing lately with concern and support. I know I've said this before, but things really should be calming down now, leaving more time for writing.**_


	40. Reassurances

After assuring himself that Meredith was fine, had come out of surgery fine, and would recover just fine, Derek finally allowed himself to relax. He had spent most of the day with very little anxiety. He had talked to patients and performed one surgery. And sitting by his girlfriend's bedside while she was high on morphine had been entertaining to say the least.

It hadn't been until he had found himself stuck in his patient's room, talking over the surgery with worried family members, that he had felt the anxiety hit him like a brick. She was going in at any minute, and he wasn't by her side. And he should be by her side.

He should always be by her side.

He was by her side now. The surgery had gone perfectly; short, quick, no complications. Her time in the recovery room had been textbook, and he had been there when she had first opened her eyes. Her pain was no longer controlled by morphine or anything as strong as morphine, leaving her tired, grumpy and uncomfortable.

And he loved her for it. Because she hadn't been the least bit interested in finding out what she had been up to before her surgery. That meant he didn't have to explain her phone call to his mother. Or her conversations with himself, Cristina, George, Addison, Mark or Bailey. Or any other people he had yet to find out about. Unfortunately there was a chunk of time between his conversation with Addison and him finally making it back to her room with the ice chips that was still unaccounted for.

It all meant he was safe for now.

Light snores filled the hospital room, signalling she was asleep. They would be keeping her overnight for observation because her surgery had been so late in the day. He would, of course, be staying with her, but he still had some things to do before he carefully found space beside her on the small hospital bed. After Bailey had banned him from entering the restricted surgical area, he was taking full advantage of the whole not-a-doctor-here-as-a-family-member-thing.

The most important thing he needed to do was call his mother; a task he had been putting off as long as he could. "Well, here goes nothing," he mumbled, pulling out his phone.

It only rang twice before his mother picked up. And that wasn't a good sign. If she picked up that quickly it meant she was waiting for his call.

"Hi, mom," he said as cheerfully as possible. Maybe the best plan of attack was to play dumb. Meredith called you? I didn't know that...

"Derek, good, it's you. Did everything go okay?"

He couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips due to the worried tone in her voice. "Everything went fine," he assured. "She did great, came out fine, and is snoring away right in front of me now."

"She snores?"

"She does."

She chuckled. "One of many things I learned about her today."

The comment caught him off guard and he cursed under his breath when he realized too much time had elapsed for him to play dumb. "Yeah, about that... I never thought she'd use my phone if I left it here."

"Does she remember anything?"

"Not about talking to you." She did, oddly enough, remember calling him pathetic and being irrationally excited about ice-chips.

"Mmm," she hummed. "Maybe it's best we keep it that way for a while."

His mother's comment froze Derek on the spot. That meant she had said something she _really_ wouldn't want her future mother-in-law to know. "I... She's going to find out that she called you..."

"Why is that?"

He sighed. "Because everyone in the hospital seems to know. There's no way she won't find out. And soon."

Jane laughed. "So, you need me to tell you what we talked about." It was a statement, no hint of a question in it.

Derek sighed, knowing his mother was loving this. "Yes."

She clicked her tongue. "I'm not sure I can do that, Derek. I do have principles, and Meredith and I spoke in confidence."

He groaned. She was really going to make her work for this. "Mom..."

"I'm just trying to gain her trust, Derek. From what you've told me, that girl will be my daughter-in-law one day. I'm not going to start out our relationship by destroying her confidence in me."

Derek rolled his eyes, and sent a quick glance to make sure his girlfriend was still asleep before he hissed a response to his mother. "And you think taking advantage of the situation she was in earlier is a good way to keep her confidence?"

"I didn't call her, Derek."

"But you let her talk, didn't you? Even though you knew you should just hang up."

Silence.

"See," he prompted. "I knew it. You took advantage, and now I have to do damage control."

"Is there something wrong with me wanting to get to know her?"

He sighed at the vulnerable tone in his mother's voice. "Mom..."

"I just want to know what's going on in your life, Derek."

"Mom..."

"I miss you."

He sighed once more, suddenly realizing how hard it was for his mother to have him so far away. "I know. I'm sorry."

"I just want to be a part of your life."

"You are; a very important part," he reassured. "You're my mother."

"I haven't seen you in almost a year, Derek. All of your sisters are close by. I see them all the time."

"I know it's been a long time, Mom," he said, ignoring the second half of her comment. A year ago she had seen him all the time, and he knew she had never expected him to move so far away. Hell, he had never expected to move so far away. "We're going to come and visit soon. I know we've cancelled twice, but I promise it's going to happen. Soon."

"I believe you, Derek. And I know things have been out of your control lately." It was her turn to sigh, and when she spoke again her voice was an equal combination of hopeful and hesitant. "Do you think...that you will ever move home again?"

As much as he knew it would hurt her to hear, he knew he had to tell her the truth. She had raised him to be honest with her. "I am home," he said quietly. "I guess I never realized I wasn't happy in New York. But Seattle... I just feel like I belong here."

"You sound happy now."

"I am."

"In Seattle."

"Yes."

"With Meredith."

A smile flittered to his lips as his gaze fell on the sleeping woman on the bed before him. "Yes."

"She really loves you, Derek."

"What?" He asked, taken aback by his mother's comment.

"It was what we talked about the most, when she called me. And if I learned anything from seeing Kathleen on morphine it's that nothing she said wasn't true."

"I really love her too."

"Good. She...she told me some things about her past. And she said that her mother didn't ever want her to find someone..."

He nodded to himself, his heart constricting. "Yeah, Ellis is a piece of work."

"You've met her?"

"Well, yes-"

"So, you've met her mother before I've met Meredith?"

He rolled his eyes. "Ellis is sick. She's got early-onset Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home. I've gone with Meredith to visit a few times."

"I didn't realize. Does she know who Meredith is?"

"Not really. Sometimes she recognizes her as her daughter, but as a five year old version."

"I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard on her."

"It is, but she's strong."

"She must be to have gotten through everything. She told me she felt like a chronic disappointment to her mother."

Derek felt his heart clench again, and he couldn't resist reaching a hand to carefully brush along her forehead. "She deserves so much better..." he whispered.

"You're my son, Derek, which means you're perfect."

He laughed. "You're a little biased."

"That may be true, but so is she."

"I don't understand."

"She told me you make her feel special, and not like a disappointment. She said you make her feel safe and loved, that you make all the bad stuff from her past fade into the background."

He was surprised to feel his eyes prickling. He ran his hand down Meredith's arm to her hand and entwined their fingers. She stirred a bit and closed her grip on his hand, but didn't wake.

"I'm proud of you, Derek. You've changed your life, and that's not easy to do. And you're a good man. So, I'm proud of you. And your father would be proud of you."

Derek swallowed hard. "Thanks."

Recognizing her son's need for a lighter topic, Jane continued. "She also told me the hospital refers to you as Doctor McDreamy."

A rush of air escaped his lips in a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, well..."

She laughed at his embarrassment. "She also mentioned you walking in on your roommate's girlfriend naked?"

"Okay, that wasn't my fault. She was in the hallway, right outside our room."

Jane laughed. "And do you think you could explain who she was referring to as 'syph-nurse'?"

Derek laughed and proceeded to explain all of the things Meredith had alluded to about her friends. "So," he finally said, "That was all?"

"Yes."

"Mom."

"What?"

"I don't believe you."

"We didn't talk for that long, Derek. What do you think she said?"

"Well, I know for a fact she told you how we met. George told me."

Jane sighed. She had obviously been planning on keeping that one to herself. "She didn't say anything bad, Derek. She told me you met in a bar. And though I always thought to bar scene was much more Mark's foray than yours-"

"It's not mine," Derek said, cutting her off. "It's wasn't about..." He trailed off, trying not to admit to himself that he was nearing forty and couldn't say the word 'sex' to his mother. "I just felt...captivated by her. I never meant for... And it doesn't matter anyway. Because here we are nine months later. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. I love her and-"

"Derek, shut up."

"Excuse me?"

She laughed. "I was only trying to tease. I'm glad you're happy. And I'm happy for you, that you've found the girl for you."

"Thanks."

"I'm your mother, Derek, there's no reason to thank me."

He laughed. "So, really, that's all she said?"

There was only a slight pause before she answered. "Other than a few smaller things, yes."

"You promise?"

Before she responded, Meredith stirred in the bed, her green-grey irises appearing as her eyes fluttered open. "Who you talk'in to?" She mumbled sleepily.

He smiled warmly at her and squeezed her hand. "My mom. She wanted to know how your surgery went."

"Tell her I'm sorry about today."

"Did you hear that?" Derek asked into the phone.

"I did. Tell Meredith there's no reason to be sorry, and that I am looking forward to seeing her soon."

"I will."

"I'll let you go, okay? I love you, Derek."

"Love you too, mom," he responded before ending the call, not having realized his mother hadn't made the promise. Meredith was still watching him through hooded eyes. He offered her a smile. "My mom says not to worry about today, but that she still is looking forward to meeting you."

She squeezed his hand lazily. "That's good, I guess."

He stood and leaned close to kiss her. "How are you feeling?"

"Crappy."

Derek chuckled. "Do you need anything?"

"Just you," she said softly.

He smiled brightly. "I'm good with that."

"Good." She motioned for him to sit, and he wasted no time in kicking off his shoes and settling down beside her.

"You in any pain?"

"Just a bit."

"Did you want anything for it?"

She shook her head against his shoulder. "Nah, it's not that bad."

"Good, because I don't want you to be in pain."

She giggled. "You're a bit of a sap today."

"You're sick. I'm allowed to be a sap."

Meredith smiled, but it faded quickly before she spoke again, her tone quiet and hesitant. "Is she angry that you stayed here with me?"

Derek clicked his tongue. "Of course not. She actually told me that I wouldn't be the son she had raised if I had left you in a hospital bed and gone to New York."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Thank-you for being here."

He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "That's what I'm here for. But, uh, speaking of my mother..."

"What?"

"Well...I called her to let her know we wouldn't make it."

"...Okay..."

"I...I called her in here."

"O-kay," she responded once more, her voice laced with confusion as to why that was an issue.

"And you thought I was being 'weird' and 'not explaining myself well' and demanded I let you talk to her so that you could explain the situation yourself."

Meredith's head shot off his shoulder. "You let me talk to your mother while I was on morphine?!"

"No," he said quickly. "I didn't _let_ you."

"Derek," she said warningly.

He flinched. "After the call I put my phone down. And then I was paged. And you...well, apparently you called her yourself."

"I what? No. No, I wouldn't do that."

He couldn't help the smile that flittered to his lips at her vehemence. "But you did."

"But I'm so not the person who would do that. I don't do families. I don't..." She trailed off and swiped a hand at him. "Why did you leave your phone in here?"

"Hey, it's like you said; you're not the kind of person to do something like that."

She groaned. "It's still your fault."

"It so isn't."

"It so is, and when I'm better, I'm going to kick your ass."

He chortled. "With your tiny ineffectual fists."

She glared at him for a long moment before resettling her head on his shoulder. "What did I say?"

"Apparently you gushed about how dreamy I am."

She snorted. "Seriously."

He smiled and kissed the side of her head again. "Well, for starters, you did tell my mother my nickname here is McDreamy, so thanks for that. She's probably already told my sisters, and I'll never live it down now."

"You deserve it."

He laughed. "She said you talked about your friends a lot; told her about me seeing Callie naked. Oh, and I had to explain to her who 'syph-nurse' was."

Meredith giggled. "Sorry."

He hesitated, knowing how sensitive she was about her past. "She also said you talked about your past."

She tensed in his arms. "How bad?"

"I'm not sure. It didn't sound like a whole lot, but enough for her to know you had a crappy life for a long time."

Meredith sighed. "Okay."

"And you really did tell her how much you love me. And...she said you told her I make you feel safe and loved."

Meredith relaxed in his arms again. "You do," she said simply.

The tears from earlier welled in his eyes and he squeezed them shut and buried his nose in her hair. "I love you so much, Meredith."

"I love you too, Derek."

He smiled before pursing his lips and pressing them into the side of her head. "I'm glad everything went well."

She laughed faintly. "Me too...obviously."

"I know it was just an appy, but I..." He sighed, hating how vulnerable he was about to sound, but knowing he had to go on anyway. She was making an effort to open herself up to him; she deserved the same from him. "I was worried," he admitted.

"Yeah?"

"Mmm-hmm," he nodded. "At first I felt relieved when we found out it was your appendix, because it was pretty good compared to the worst case scenarios racing around my head, and-"

"Wait," she cut him off. "You told me it would be fine. You told me it wouldn't be anything serious. You were the reason I was calm."

He smirked and met her eyes as she craned her neck to face him. "That was my job," he explained, "To keep you calm. And, yes, rationally I knew it would be fine. But the doctor in me, that has seen what the worst case scenario looks like, combined with the boyfriend in me, that loves you more than anything else in the world, was freaking out a little."

"Derek..." She murmured.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly. "I don't want you to be sick or in pain."

She bit down on her lower lip for a moment before responding, her tone throaty. "You were scared, but you were so calm for me."

He kissed her again. "I didn't want you to be afraid."

Meredith's green-grey eyes filled with tears. "You remember..." She whispered.

"I remember everything you tell me," he said softly. It may have been half a year ago, but he could remember her coming to him with a question about a patient, a sweet old woman who had only months to live, with a husband of sixty years who didn't want her to know. He hadn't wanted his wife to be afraid. At the same time his friends had been in town; her a carrier of BRACA and him not knowing what to do. In the end, Weiss had discovered he couldn't save his wife from her diagnosis, and all he could do was be there for her. Because he hadn't wanted his wife to be afraid either. And, still early in his relationship with Meredith, Derek had been certain he would know what it felt like the love someone that much one day. And here he was.

The corner of her lips curled upward. "Liar."

"I am not."

She giggled. "Then you're being very, very corny."

Derek couldn't resist the urge to kiss her once more, longer. "I'm corny because I don't want to forget anything between us?"

She laughed louder. "Yes."

He growled, deep in his throat. "You're being mean to me."

"I'm allowed," she claimed. "I'm sick."

He couldn't help the laughter that erupted from his gut. "Whatever you say, honey."

She swiped at him. "Don't placate me."

"But you're sick."

Meredith grumbled at him. "And now you're making fun of me."

He smiled. "Only a little."

"Hmpf," she muttered, resettling herself in his arms. "Anyway..."

"Anyway what?"

"You said you were worried, but that you were relieved at first?"

He closed his arms around her shoulder again and sighed. "Yeah, I was relieved at first, and thought it was good that it was _only_ your appendix. And you were so high and entertaining that I...guess I didn't think about it. But then I was stuck talking to my patient's family, knowing you were going into surgery at any moment and I couldn't get to you. And I..." he sighed. "I may have been a tad irrational with Bailey before you went into surgery..."

She laughed. "A tad, huh?"

"Yeah. I demanded she let me in the OR with you."

"Yeah...she doesn't do well with demands..."

"Hmm, no she doesn't. She yelled at me. _Reminded_ me that I was only here as a family member, and that I wasn't allowed."

"A family member, huh?" She joked. "A little early for that, aren't we?"

He grumbled at her. "You were the one who demanded I was there as a family member and not a friend."

"No I didn't."

He laughed, having momentarily forgotten her amnesia to the hours she had spent under the influence of morphine. "Yeah, you did. In front of Bailey, by the way."

"Oh...I..."

He smiled at her sudden nervousness. "It's okay, Mer. You're my family too."

She reached for his hand. "Good. I...what else did I say?"

"Well, you were worried about the surgery leaving a scar."

She didn't respond verbally, but he felt her tense immediately in his arms.

"Which I told you was stupid," he said quickly, trying to address the sudden issue he hadn't realized she had even had; one he hadn't seen coming. "You know I think you're beautiful, right?"

She sighed. "Derek..."

He clucked his tongue. "I love you," he told her. "I love everything about you, including every inch of your body. And I want to know every little imperfection that makes you so freaking perfect."

"You say that now," she whispered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He couldn't help the snippy tone in his voice.

"It's just...I know that I'm not...I mean I'm... But she was...and...I..." She trailed off with a huff, and when he tried to turn her to face him she resisted. "I know I'm not exactly...beauty queen material or whatever. But I've always been...tiny, and that's...what guys are looking for. And I don't really have any...marks or anything, but now-"

"Shut up," Derek demanded, unable to hear her speak any longer. "You're perfect. And beautiful. And sexy. You are absolutely beauty queen material, not that I could ever imagine you prancing around a beauty pageant stage in a poofy dress and heels, twirling a baton, and talking about world peace..." He smiled at the short giggle he elicited from her. "But seriously, Mer, I'm not in this because of what you look like. I really and truly love _you_. And I will really and truly always love _you_. Simple as that."

"Simple as that?" She sounded sceptical.

"Mmm-hmm," he confirmed. "Not that I'm saying I don't appreciate what you look like, because I do. And I'm a very lucky man. But, Meredith, this is one tiny scar, that will only add character. It won't change a thing. You could get all the scars in the world and it wouldn't change how I feel. You could get as big as you wanted, and it wouldn't change how I feel."

"But I...I thought guys wanted-"

"I don't care what other guys want," he said. "This guy only wants you."

She was silent for several moments before speaking. "Really?" She finally asked, her voice a whisper.

"Really." He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "If we're in this for the long haul, we're going to change, Mer, and this is just the first change we're experiencing together. Imagine how different we're going to look in fifty years."

"Okay. As long as you change too," she said, and then giggled.

"What?"

She finally turned to face him again. "I was just wondering what you'll look like when you start to lose your hair."

He gaped at her. "Seriously?" He finally demanded, when he found his ability to speak again. "Seriously? I spend all that time reassuring you, only for you to go and say something like that?"

She giggled and turned to settle against him in a more comfortable position, still cautious of her abdomen. "Hit a nerve, didn't I?"

He couldn't help the smile the flittered across his face at the coyness in her tone. And for a moment he revelled in pride for having done such a good job reassuring the woman he loved. Then she spoke again.

"Hmm, I wonder what will happen first? Will it go grey, or start falling out?"

He rolled his eyes. "Tell me again why I love you so much?"

She lifted her head off his chest and smiled warmly at him, her eyes sparkling with a clarity he couldn't remember ever having seen. "Because I'm perfect."

He smiled back, captivated by her intensity. "You really are."

_**AN: Finally we come to the end of the appy/morphine chronicles...which were supposed to be 1-2 chapters tops, and ended up taking up 6 (and 31k+ words...). Thanks for sticking with me through this, and I hope you enjoy the next parts of 'season 3.' Oh, and kudos if you caught the What I'm Here For reference.**_


	41. Chapter 41

Derek sighed in relief as he finally pulled into the driveway of the house he had called home for the better half of a year. It had been a long week going into the hospital without his girlfriend, especially now that he had to deal with the sudden appearance of his former best friend who had, apparently, taken it upon himself to torture Derek at every opportunity.

The plastic surgeon knew no boundaries; cornering Derek in his office, conference rooms, scrub rooms, the bathroom... He kept demanding that Derek talk to him, that he be given an opportunity to explain. All the while Derek had to remind himself over and over that he had promised Meredith he wouldn't hit Mark again.

And now, with the news his ex-wife had given him today, Derek had been very close to breaking his promise. His fists had clenched involuntarily, and it had been all he could do to vacate the room Mark had most recently cornered him in, thus removing himself from the situation.

He turned off the ignition and stepped out of his car, allowing himself a small smile at the realization that the only other car there was Meredith's. It was still fairly early, so he expected to have a few hours alone with her in the house. George, he was pretty sure, was on until late that evening. And Izzy, although they hadn't convinced her to go back to work yet, had taken it upon herself to go out more and more.

The sight that met him inside was not surprising. It was the fourth day he had come home to find Meredith on the couch, surrounded by text books, newspapers, dishes and pop cans.

"Hey!" She called cheerfully.

He smiled and made his way into the living room, avoided the small obstacle course that led to her, and leaned down for a much needed kiss. "Hey honey, I'm home," he mumbled when they pulled away.

Meredith giggled and swatted at him. "I told you not to say that to me..."

Derek smirked and dropped down beside her. "You've told me everyday not to say that to you, but you've laughed every time I've said it."

She rolled her eyes. "It's funny...to hear you say something like that. But it's too domestic for us."

"Mmm," he agreed, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to breathe her in. It still amazed him just how much she could calm him. "But it is nice to come home to you."

She relaxed against his chest. "Don't get used to it," she warned. "I'm finally back to work tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it," he responded, making his voice sound light even though he really meant it. He missed her when he was at work without her. And he knew she was going stir crazy at home. He had received dozens of text messages from her in the past several days, claiming herself to be bored and enticing him to come home... Some of the messages had been more 'PG' than others. If he hadn't had so many surgeries scheduled that week he would have taken it off to be with her.

"Appendectomies suck," she mumbled into his chest.

He laughed. It was the same thing she had said every day so far. "So I've heard. But I wouldn't know." He patted his lower torso. "I'm good to my appendix."

She rolled her eyes as she muffled a laugh. "Shut up."

With a smile he pressed his lips against the side of her head. "I missed you today."

"You say that everyday."

"Well, today I mean it."

She raised her head off of his chest to meet his gaze, one of her eyebrows raised expectantly. "So, you lied every other day?"

He chuckled. "Of course not. I miss you every day, but today I..." He sighed. "Today I really missed you."

Her upper incisors found her lower lip as she reached a hand through his hair. "You're all tense. Did you...lose your patient?"

Derek shook his head. He had gone into work fearing for his first patient of the day; a young man with a malignant brain tumour they had barely caught in time. "No, he made it through surgery well. One round of chemo should be enough."

"That's great, Derek."

He nodded his agreement.

"So, then why are you all dark and twisty?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Dark and twisty?"

A giggle escaped her lips as she nodded.

He sighed heavily. "Mark and Addison."

Her expression softened and she met his eyes, her hand moving from the back of his head to his cheek. "Mark still stalking you?"

"Yeah. And I was dealing with it, but..." He trailed off and sighed again. "Addison chose today to tell me that that one night with Mark wasn't just one night."

A small gasp left her lips. "Oh, Derek..."

"She said she was in love with him, and that after I left they lived together for months."

"Was...was the time you caught them the first time?" She asked cautiously.

He paused for a moment, going over his earlier conversation with his ex-wife. "I...I think so. Maybe. But...I don't really know anymore." He scoffed, suddenly overwhelmed with anger. "The only reason she ever came to Seattle to get me back was because she caught him with someone else. And I know I shouldn't care. I know it's over. I know I'm better off now, but...but..." He trailed off as the anger morphed into sadness. For a moment it didn't matter that his ex-wife and his ex-best friend's actions had led to him finding the love of his life. For a moment all that mattered, all that he could comprehend, was just how badly he had failed.

"Derek..." She whispered. And then she was shifting beside him and her arms were around him, pulling him close. "You're allowed to care. I'm so sorry."

His mind was screaming at him to pull away, to not cry, and to not destroy her image of him as being perfectly strong. But, as his arms found her small body and his hands found fistfuls of her shirt and his breathing hitched in his chest, he wondered if maybe it was his image of himself that he was trying to preserve. "I just...I thought...but now..." It disheartened him that he couldn't string together more than a couple words. He opened his mouth to try again, but all that came out was a sob.

Meredith held him, silent and comforting, for several moments, letting him calm himself before she finally spoke. "It wasn't your fault, Derek," she told him, and the tone of her voice alone made him want to believe it. "What they did to you, both of them, was not your fault. Even if your marriage wasn't what it should be, that was no excuse for them. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I wasn't there enough," he countered, unable to control the emotional waver in his tone. "I was absent. She told me, and I know I was."

Meredith pulled back suddenly, her eyes fierce as she met his. "So? You were absent. Big deal. It takes two to let a marriage fall apart, Derek. Not just you. And maybe you were equally at fault for your marriage not being what it should, but she chose to jump into bed with Mark. And that was not your fault."

He found himself nodding along to her words, taken by the intensity of her gaze.

"She chose to do what she did," Meredith repeated. "So, she made her own bed, or whatever."

Derek couldn't help the hint of a smile that took over his lips at her attempt to use a well-known saying, but the smile was short lived. "She cheated on me, and then she lived with him for months. And then, when he cheated on her, she followed me here and tried to get me back, after I had just gotten my life sorted out again. What kind of a person does that?"

Meredith was silent for a moment before she responded. "A desperate one, maybe?" She sighed. "I know I've never lost you, but I was close once, and-"

"You weren't close," he cut in.

She smiled at him. "Fine, but I was at the point where I was telling myself I may lose you. And that...that's not a good feeling. You're a good man, Derek. And being with you is...amazing. And maybe she panicked. Maybe she made a mistake, and it just kept getting deeper, and then all she wanted was to get you back? Because she's not a horrible person, Derek."

Tension ebbed away from his as the small smile returned and remained. "Maybe you should have chosen psych instead of surgery."

She swiped a hand at him. "I'm a surgeon."

He laughed and resettled beside her so that she was leaning against him instead of the other way around. "She's not a horrible person," he agreed. "And neither is he. Which is maybe why it hurts so much. And maybe it's why I..."

She met his eyes. "Maybe it's why you blame yourself?"

"When did you get to be clairvoyant?"

She laughed. "Only when it comes to you."

"She came here after spending months with him," he said. "And who knows how long it had been since she had left him. Here I was thinking it had been months since he had touched her, but maybe...maybe it had only been days. And she expected me to take her back. She expected for us to pick up and move on like nothing had happened. What kind of a person does that?"

"A desperate one," she whispered. "She made a series of mistakes and she panicked."

He tightened his arms around her. "I love you. I love you more than I thought was possible. And I've never regretted being with you, Meredith, not for a second. But there's this part of me that wonders how different things would be if I..."

"If you'd picked her?" She whispered.

He nodded. "I can remember feeling so torn. I loved you so much already, but I let the doubt in. I let myself question how it was possible that I felt so much stronger for a woman I had just met than for the woman I had been married to for eleven years. What if I had let her convince me it was infatuation and not love? What if I had taken her back? Would she ever have told me?"

"I don't know," Meredith said quietly. "Maybe you could ask her? Maybe you still need that closure."

"I don't know either," he murmured, leaning his forehead against hers.

She reached for his hand, and gripped tightly. "You know what I do know?"

"What's that?"

"That life would suck if you'd gone back to her. I wouldn't be the same person."

He lifted his forehead away from hers. "Sure you would, Mer. You're so strong."

She shook her head. "No, I wouldn't. So much has happened this year, Derek. And you've been there for me when no one else has. And I..." She trailed off as he voice cracked ever so slightly, and when she continued, her voice was an octave higher. "I think I've changed...in a good way...because of you. I've done things, taken steps, that I never thought I'd be capable of. I'm growing, or whatever. And that's due in a large part to you."

He warmly at her. "Yeah, well, I've changed too; because of you. Just promise me one thing?"

"Anything."

"If I ever...get absent or...distant with you, hit me over the head until I stop and listen to you. Because I never want to be distant with you, Meredith. Losing Addison like that was one thing, but even the thought of losing you that way..." He swallowed hard. "It kills me."

She leaned in suddenly, her lips finding his in a long, hard kiss, filled with emotion. When she pulled back her eyes were filled with an intensity he had rarely seen from her. "That will never happen, okay? I promise you, Derek. What Addison did to you?" She shook her head. "Won't ever happen again. I love you, and I'm in this. There won't ever be anyone else." She grabbed his hand and lifted it so that his palm rested over her heart. "You are the only one who gets to touch me, okay?"

"Okay," he managed to mumbled, before he leaned in to kiss her just as she had for him. "Just, promise me that you'll tell me if I'm being absent?"

"I promise. And promise me you're going to stop stressing."

He smiled as he felt a weight life off his chest. "I promise."

The corner of her lips quirked upwards. "Really?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't question your promise, but you're questioning mine?"

She shrugged. "It's easier to promise to do something than to stop doing something. I just don't want you stressing over something like that."

"I promise to do my best to stop stressing," he repeated, emphasizing a few choice words.

She was still staring at him through narrowed eyes, so he kissed her again. And then again. And again. When he finally pulled back, both were breathless.

He brushed his thumb across her swollen lips before combing back her long, silky hair. "Derek..." She moaned his name, leaning in again.

Derek's lips found her neck, and he expertly manoeuvred them so that she way lying across the couch under him. "I need you," he breathed into the soft, skin of the crook of her neck.

Her fingers found his hair, where she could direct his movements.

Her skin tasted vaguely of the lavender body wash he had bought her the month before and he moaned her name as he felt himself begin to respond. Eventually his lips ran out of bare skin and he pulled away long enough to pull her Dartmouth tee over her head. He lowered himself back down over her, but she stopped him, her lithe fingers pulling at the hem of his shirt.

"You too," she murmured.

He laughed at her insistence and quickly helped her in removing his own shirt.

She pulled him back down and merged their lips once more, the sensation of skin against skin sending chills trough his body.

When he finally came up for air again, he couldn't help but smile down at her, so perfect and trusting and his. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she said, still panting.

"You're beautiful," he murmured, running his hand down her torso, and over the small pink scar from the week before.

She breathed under him, her hand finding the back of his head and pulling him down to her again. "I'm all yours," she whispered when their lips were millimetres apart.

"Me too," he responded huskily. "All yours. Forever."

"Forever," she breathed into his mouth as their lips finally met again.

000

"You okay?" Derek mumbled into her hair as they lay together on the couch, only the thin throw covering them. It had been the first time they had had sex since her surgery the week before, and although he had been careful, he needed to make sure she wasn't in pain.

"Mmm, perfect," she murmured.

He smiled. "You are perfect. I was asking if you were okay?"

She giggled and turned to face him. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

He pretended to think, realizing her abdomen was fine and that she was baiting him now. "That's a good question," he finally responded. "There's no reason you wouldn't be fine after that. I am very good, you know..."

"And very cocky about it," she retorted.

He smirked. "Not right now, but I can be again soon..."

"Derek!" She swiped at his chest. "You're so bad."

He did his best to look offended. "I thought we were just saying how good I am?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No, you were saying how good you were."

"Hmm," he mumbled as he pressed his lips lazily against hers. "I don't seem to remember any complaints on your part..."

"Mmm," she agreed. "No complaints here."

"Thank-you," he whispered, and he didn't have to explain for her to know exactly what he was talking about.

She smiled tenderly at him. "I'm here too, Derek," she whispered. "You've been amazing being here for me so much, and making me talk...letting me learn how to talk. I've never had this before, and it was scary, but now it's...it's only scary sometimes, like when I realize it's not scary anymore, which sounds stupid, but makes sense in my head. Anyway, you've been here for me for so much, but I'm here for you too, Derek. It's not just a one way street or whatever. I love you. And I'm going to expect you to talk more from now on, okay?"

"You're cute when you're bossy." Even though he knew it would have consequences, he couldn't help saying it. Because she really did look cute, adorable even, the way her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed as she made her demands.

She swiped a hand across his chest. "I'm being serious."

He forced back a laugh. "That's fine. You're allowed to look cute while you're being serious. I happen to think you're always cute," he mumbled as he pressed his lips against her forehead.

She grumbled something incoherent under her breath at him.

Derek couldn't help but laugh, long and hard, feeling the tension of the past day and week drift away. "I love you so much, Meredith," he finally managed to say. "I love you and when I'm with you everything else seems so much better."

"Good. Me too."

He smiled widely before pecking her on the lips. "I'll do the talking thing too," he told her. "I know I'm not good at it, when it's me that needs to talk, but I..." He trailed off, unable to explain his misgivings about it.

"I'll still love you," she said wryly. "You're allowed to not be perfect, Derek. In fact, if we're going to do the whole forever thing, I'm going to have to insist that you're not always perfect, because I have issues and I can't be the only pathetic one in this relationship; it's not good for the ego."

"You're not pathetic."

"Neither are you. And I won't think you are if you need me sometimes."

Part of his wanted nothing more than to shake off the conversation and make a joke and promise himself to never show his weakness in front of her again. But the look in her eyes tugged at his heart and he couldn't help nodding at her. "Okay," he agreed quietly, his voice uncharacteristically vulnerable. After spending so much of his life trying to be the strong one, the unflappable one, he was surprised to feel relief at not having to be the picture of strength and fine-ness. And one look in her eyes told him that it was okay, and that maybe he wasn't the only one who had grown up with the incessant need to not ever be vulnerable.

She brushed her fingers through his hair and smiled at him. "It's a little scary, isn't it?"

He nodded, his throat suddenly dry.

"It gets easier," she reassured. "You made it easier. And I'm going to do the same thing, okay?"

"Okay."

Her smile changed, and he knew she could recognize the uncertainty in his voice. He may be the one who had done the long term relationship thing before, but he had never done this. He had never allowed himself to be truly vulnerable before, at least not with another person. There was a forest near his mother's, and in the months and years following his father's death, when the family had struggled with the loss, finances and sticking together, Derek would take a break from being the perfect rock of a brother and son, and he would hike deep into the trees until he was too far from anyone to be heard. And he would yell. He would yell and scream and cry and take out all of his emotion on nature. And then he would gather himself together and trudge back home, where he would smile and help out around the house and be there for his mom and his sisters. Because they had needed him.

He had always believed being unflappable made him strong, but now he wondered if it had made him weak. It had kept him away from people. It had made him too independent.

"Does it get easier?" He finally asked.

She nodded. "It does. I'm always here to listen, Derek. You don't have to be everything for yourself and everyone else anymore."

Tension swarmed his thoughts, and he resisted the urge to bite down on his lower lip- just one of the many habits he had picked up from her. "But I like being there for you. It makes me feel..."

She nodded. "I get it. And I'm not saying you can't be there for me, Derek. In fact, I love that I have someone...someone who wants to be there for me. But I want to be there for you, too. No, I _need_ to be there for you too. And of you don't let me then you're...not allowing me to experience one of the fundamental human relationship supportiveness...things, or whatever."

His lips curled into a smile as he as reminded of just how lucky he was that he had found this woman. "So, you're guilt tripping me into this 'fundamental human relationship supportiveness things?'"

She nodded. "Exactly."

A chuckled escaped his lips. And then another. And then he was pulling her close as he laughed, and all the tension ebbed away. "Oh," he finally managed to speak. "I love you, Mer. I...I just love you, so much. Don't ever change."

She settled herself close against him, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. "I don't plan on it."

He smiled, revelling in the calmness of _knowing_ he would spend the rest of his life with the woman in his arms. He would make it work. _They_ would make it work. Together. He wouldn't keep himself distant from her. He wouldn't become absent. He would learn to be open with her, to tell her things. Derek smiled and nuzzled her cheek as he ran his hands down her still-naked body. "As long as you're you, I think I can handle this," he murmured.

She shifted and pulled away to meet his gaze. Her eyes were sparkling like a million stars on a dark night; his own personal light in the dark. "Good. Now I won't have to call you pathetic anymore."

He rolled his eyes at her mocking. "You were high."

"And yet I was surprisingly insightful."

He resisted the urge to kiss her again, but instead pressed his lips against hers. They had the rest of their lives to continue that particular debate...even though he was pretty sure he would lose in the long run. But he loved her enough that he was okay with being pathetic sometimes. Because she still loved him. Her eyes still sparkled when she looked at him. Her lips still curled into a smile when he made her laugh. She still leaned into his touch and gazed at him with all the trust and love and wonder he could ever hope for. After months of telling her she was perfect to him he realized that just maybe he was perfect to her too.

_**AN: Blame the delay on the unknown waters that is Derek Shepherd's mind. After spending so much time in Meredith's Derek needed some focus before things shifted to the next section of season three stuff, leading to the drowning arc...**_

_**Happy Turkey Day to my fellow Canadians!**_


	42. Chapter 42

Meredith sighed loudly from her seat in the passenger side of Derek's car, and when all the exasperated escape of air did was bring the faintest wisp of a smile to his face, she sighed again, even louder.

He still made no move to respond to her, his eyes carefully tracking the world in front of, beside and behind the car.

She rolled her eyes and huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Are you seriously not going to tell me where we're going?"

After a lingering glance at the road before them, he turned his head for a few short seconds to meet her eyes, his sparkling with barely concealed laughter. "You know, you're cute when you're sulking."

Meredith scoffed. "You say I'm cute regardless of what I'm doing, now quit avoiding the freaking issue at hand."

He turned his attention back to the road, but his lips curled into a casual smirk. "You are cute regardless of what you're doing. You're a cute person." He reached blindly for her hand, his fingers landing directly on hers without incidence. He always seemed to know exactly where every part of her was.

She allowed the contact for a moment before snatching her hand away. "I said to stop avoiding the issue. That means not doing flirty thing to distract me."

He raised an eyebrow and shot a glance at her. "Flirty thing?"

"Yeah, the flirty, smirky, happy thing that you've been doing since prom. You know, the thing you're not allowed to do at the hospital?"

"I'm not allowed to be happy at work?"

"Derek!" She hissed, trying to sound serious, even though she was fighting to avoid a telling smile. He knew exactly what she meant. And he knew exactly what to say to get exactly the reaction he wanted out of her.

"Meredith!" He echoed.

With a strangled moan she buried her face in her hands. "Sometimes I don't know why I put up with you," she muttered.

"Because you love me," he quipped, completely undeterred from his mission of keeping her completely in the dark about their destination.

"Unfortunately," she replied wryly.

They had arrived at a stop sign, and Derek dutifully came to a complete halt, but didn't move on right away. Instead he turned to her, his eyes shining wildly as he smiled his trademark McDreamy smile. He made it perfectly clear he was in no hurry to continue their drive. Which was fine, really, since they seemed to be in the middle of freaking nowhere. Meredith rarely ventured outside of the city, other than heading to the trailer, of course. When Derek had told her that morning that he had a surprise planned for her, she hadn't known what to expect. When he had 'strongly suggested' she wear comfortable jeans, a long sleeved top and boots, she had been even more lost. Even so, she had dutifully donned an old pair of jeans, a long sleeved tee and a light jacket, and had obediently gotten into the car with him.

That had been a half hour ago.

Now she was bored and dying to know where they were going. Their outfits didn't scream romantic plans to her, and he hadn't packed anything extra into his car, so they wouldn't be doing whatever it was that they were doing for any extended length of time. She wanted to know where he was taking her.

She _needed_ to know where he was taking her.

But her annoyingly upbeat, flirty, dreamy boyfriend wasn't fessing up.

"Derek..." She moaned, finally giving in and begging. "Please tell me where we're going?"

He shook his head just a bit; not in a way that says _no_, but in a way that says _I love you so much I can't believe it sometimes. _In the way that made her heart constrict. "But then it won't be a surprise."

"Sure it will," she tried to reason. "I don't know now, but I will be surprised when you tell me."

"It's not the same."

She groaned. "Can't you at least give me a hint?"

His mouth twitched and his eyes narrowed for a moment as he debated her request. "We're doing something outdoors," he finally said.

She scoffed. "Okay, so you suck at giving hints. I kind of got that from the outfit and the fact that we're in the middle of freaking nowhere."

"Not my problem," he replied, glancing both ways down the empty rural roads before finally pulling away from the stop sign.

"But it is your problem," she insisted. "Because you love me, and I want to know, and I'm going to keep bugging you until you tell me. And because you love me."

"You already said that part."

"I thought maybe you needed the reminder," she said dryly.

He chuckled. "Trust me, Mer, that's something you'll never have to remind me of. It's part of me now. There isn't a single moment where I'm not aware of just how much I love you."

Her heart melted and this time when he reached for her hand, she allowed the contact, even squeezing back tightly. And she even managed to keep her mouth shut for an entire minute.

"If I guess will you tell me?"

"Not likely."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, I could call this kidnapping. You're holding me hostage in your car and you won't tell me the destination. For all I know you could be some closet axe murderer who's taking me out to the middle of nowhere to...murder me with an axe."

Derek laughed. "Damn, and I just realized I left my good axe at the trailer..."

She couldn't help but giggle and continue to play along. "Well, if you're taking me to your secret axe murdering place, I'm surprised you didn't blindfold me."

He shot a glance at her. "Hmm...blindfolds. Now there's an idea."

Meredith huffed at how quickly he managed to turn the conversation on her – even as she couldn't quite get his words out of her mind. "Hmm, maybe that's it," she said. "Are you just taking me out in the middle of nowhere to have a screaming orgasm in the wilderness?"

He laughed again and shook his head at her. "We could do that at the trailer. In fact," he continued, his voice lower, "We _have_ done that at the trailer."

Sucking her lower lip into her mouth, Meredith thought silently for several moments. They were doing something outside that they couldn't do at the trailer; something that they had to go to some specific place to do. More so than the clothing, it was the need for boots that intrigued her. And not high, thick, warm boots, or high heeled fancy boots, but ankle boots with a small heel but not a large tread. What some may call hiking boots. She scoured her mind to determine whether there were any special hiking spots in the area, but couldn't come up with anything. First of all, she couldn't imagine hiking to a better view then any they had found on his land, and second, they hadn't brought any supplies.

She wasn't exactly nature girl, but was pretty sure hiking required water and trail mix and burlap back-packs called 'ruk saks' that carried compasses and maps and emergency flairs.

"You're quiet," he commented.

"I'm thinking."

"About the screaming orgasms?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "About where we're going."

"Hmm, that's too bad."

She rolled her eyes again. "They'll be plenty of time for screaming orgasms later."

He glanced at her quickly. "Maybe not," he replied cryptically.

This definitely caught her attention. "Why not?"

He gave what was meant to be a nonchalant shrug. "I may not be quite up to it after..."

She blinked twice in confusion. "Why not?" She asked again, hoping for a better answer.

"We're doing something I've never done before," he admitted. "And the...logistics of it make me think that I may need a day or two to recover."

"Just you?"

He shot her a glance. "From what I know about the differences between a male and female body? Yes."

For the life of her, Meredith had absolutely no idea where he was taking her. She turned her full attention on her boyfriend, hoping for some clue as to what he was planning. It was only then – when she finally focussed her attention on _him_ and not on where he was taking her – that she realized his hands were gripping tightly to the steering wheel. He was tense.

She tilted her head and surveyed him for several moments. His pallor was just a little off. His jaw was set when he wasn't looking at her. He was sitting a little too upright.

He was nervous.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. What could they possibly be doing that would have him nervous, she wondered. It wasn't very likely that he was nervous that she wouldn't like whatever it was that they were doing, because he was so confident about taking her there – hence the flirty-ness. But whatever it was that they were doing had him worried.

"We're not going bungee jumping or something, are we?"

He shot her a glance with an eyebrow raised. "Definitely not."

"Paint ball?"

He shook his head. "That would be fun though."

Meredith closed her eyes tight and thought hard. Something he had never done, whose idea made him nervous. Something that would possible do something to his manly parts. Something they had to dress in outdoor clothes and drive out of town for. She was just about to let loose another exasperated moan when he turned the car onto a gravel driveway.

Her eyes shot open just in time to catch one word off of the large sign as they drove by. _Ranch_. He piloted the car past a tree line and the property opened up into rolling fields of grass on either side of them. Wooden post and rail fences lined the fields on both sides of the narrow drive; their purpose not to keep them out, but to keep the four legged creatures in.

Meredith gasped as she realized exactly Derek had planned for them to do today. "Derek... Are we going horseback ridding?"

He turned and smiled warmly at her. "I told you we had to get started on that list of yours. The skating and the sledding have to wait until we have snow again. And the swimming has to wait until it's warmer. But the weather's fine for this."

000

Once they had parked the car, signed all the necessary forms and paid for the activity, they were ushered into the small barn, where they would be assigned a horse. Derek had requested a private ride for them, so other than the trail guide – a friendly young woman named Sam – they would be alone on the ride.

"So, you said neither of you have ever ridden before?" Sam asked as they walked through the door.

"Nope," Meredith confirmed, shaking her head as she adjusted to the smell of the barn. It wasn't nearly as bad as she may have expected had she had a chance to think about it. The barn smelled of horses and hay and leather, with only a faint lingering smell of something unpleasant that she assumed to be manure. There was a main aisle running down the barn, with a row of maybe a dozen stalls on either side of it. Each stall had a sliding door that was open on the top, and a number of horses stuck their heads out after they entered. The horse in the first stall on their left – whose name plate read 'Chester' – nickered at them, a few strands of hay sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

Sam smiled and paused beside him. "This is my horse," she explained. "He'll be coming with us today. And, as you can tell, he's very friendly and likes attention."

"He's beautiful," Meredith complimented. His coat was a reddish brown colour, but his mane was much lighter and fell down over his eyes. She cautiously reached a hand out to him, as she would a dog, and smiled when he shoved his nose into her grasp. He seemed to be looking for a pat, so she cautiously ran her hand up his long face to the white diamond-like shape above his eyes and patted him three times. After a moment he reached his head and nose out towards Derek, the only one not to offer him attention yet, but Derek was not nearly as easily won over as his girlfriend.

He cautiously lifted his hand, but hesitated with it several inches from Chester's straining nose. It was clear the horse wanted the contact. It was also clear the human did not.

"He's not going to bite, Derek," Meredith offered, looking to Sam for back up.

The young woman nodded. "She's right. He's super friendly. You can touch him; it's okay."

Derek held his body tense, but looked sideways to Meredith and slowly closed the gap, unwilling to look too afraid. His world class, million-dollar-a-year hand came to rest against the end of Chester's nose, but the horse did the work, bobbing his head to make it seem like Derek was rubbing him. Eventually Derek seemed to calm and carefully ran his hand up the equine's face, not as forwardly as Meredith, but under his own steam. This seemed to appease the horse, who ducked his head back into his stall before coming back out with a new mouthful of hay.

"Okay," Sam said brightly, leading them further down the aisle. They passed a great big black horse named 'Mouse' and an adorable grey pony named 'Smiley.' "This is Picasso," she said to Meredith, stopping at one of the last stalls on the right. Picasso was a medium sized horse of all different colours. When it was clear the three people outside her door were stopping, she stuck her head out to investigate. "She'll be your horse today."

"Hi, Picasso," Meredith greeted, offering her hand as she had to Chester. Picasso wasn't quite as forward as Chester had been, instead she stared at Meredith through soft brown eyes and kept still as Meredith ran her hand up her face. "I like her," she commented.

"She's a real sweetheart," Sam said. "She's about twelve years old, a paint cross, and we've had her for three years. Everyone loves her." She turned to Derek and motioned across the aisle to a large brown horse. "That's Prince. He'll be yours today."

Meredith watched with a cross between sympathy and intrigue as Derek swallowed hard, his face losing a touch of colour. Prince had his head stuck out as well, a lazy sense of interest in his expression as he surveyed the people before him. The horse brown dark brown in colour, with a black mane and nose, and had faint greying around his eyes. He was also very large; his face was wider in comparison to Picasso or Chester, and much longer. His neck was thick, and from what they could see from the aisle, he was quite tall.

Derek released a shaky breath. "Don't you have something a little...shorter?" He asked as evenly as he could. "Like Picasso...or Smiley over there," he said, trying to make a joke as he motioned at the pony they had already passed, who was still trying to see them, even though his head didn't even clear the door, his eyes just visible as he watched them with his head and nose stretched upwards.

"Don't worry at all about his size, Sir," Sam reassured. "He's an old pro at this; never takes a misstep. I can tell you're a little nervous, but trust me when I tell you he's the best match for you."

Derek swallowed again and nodded. "You're the expert."

Two other girls came in to help them get their mounts ready, bringing the horses out into the aisle and showing Meredith and Derek how to brush and tack up their horses. Derek stood back, letting them do most of the work and eyeing Prince anxiously, while Meredith jumped right in to help, learning how to use all of the brushes, and even how to pick out one of Picasso's hooves. As the saddles were being put on, she glanced sympathetically towards Derek.

"The guys are usually the nervous ones," Angela, the girl helping her, offered. "I can't tell you the number of nervous boyfriends and husbands who come through here."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah...he doesn't look too good. I don't think I've ever seen him this scared."

"He'll calm down. They always do. Five minutes into the ride he'll realize it's not as bad as he thinks. Prince is awesome; he's our designated 'scared man' horse."

Meredith snorted despite herself. "I'll wait until after to tell him that."

Angela laughed as she expertly cinched the girth on the western style saddle. "He's doing better than some. We had one guy who actually left the barn twice to throw up before his ride."

"That bad, huh?" She commented, watching as Sam tried to fit Derek with a helmet, unable to tell if the protective gear was making Derek feel better or worse about his situation. Either way he did look funny with the black velvet riding helmet stuffed on his head, his normally perfect hair sticking out from under it at all angles.

Angela finished with the saddle and patted Picasso's neck absently. "Sometimes. But he seems to be holding down his food."

Meredith giggled, thinking about just how much she would have to hold over him if he actually threw up from his nerves.

"How's it going?" Sam asked as she wandered down from Derek, three helmets in hand.

"I think I'm doing better than Derek," Meredith commented.

Sam laughed. "He'll be okay. Prince will take care of him."

"Yeah, Angela here already told me he was designated for scared men."

She nodded. "And he gets a lot of use. Anyway, there aren't any laws saying that adults are required to wear helmets, but we do recommend you wear one." Sam motioned to the three helmets in her hands. "And we supply them free of charge."

Meredith nodded. "I'll wear one." She smirked as she caught Derek's gaze, and raised her voice so he could hear her. "Though, if I smash my head in, help is right here."

Despite his nervousness, he smiled.

Sam turned to Derek. "Oh, are you a doctor?"

He nodded. "We both are."

Sam turned back to Meredith. "What kind of doctors?"

"Well, I'm doing my surgical residency right now, and haven't declared a specialty yet, but he's a neurosurgeon."

"Wow," Sam replied, glancing back towards Derek, who had returned to staring uncertainly at Prince, as if the horse would shrink if he stared long enough. "That's impressive."

Meredith nodded, unsure of how to respond. "He's the top neurosurgeon in Seattle, one of the best in the country." She smirked. "And right now he's absolutely terrified."

000

The staff made quick work of bridling the horses, and gave Meredith and Derek a short lecture on how to control their mounts. Squeeze your legs together to go. Pull back to stop. Pull the left rein to turn left. Pull the right rein to turn right. Pull up on one rein only if your horse puts his head down to eat some grass. Don't yell or panic. Hold onto the horn on the front of the saddle if you need to. Have fun.

Sam demonstrated how to mount a horse, putting her left foot into Chester's left stirrup and flawlessly lifting herself onto her horse. Since Meredith was calmer then Derek, she was first to get on. With relative ease she managed to get her left foot into the stirrup, but the actual using-one-foot-well-above-the-ground-to-pull-your-entire-body-onto-a-horse thing was a little more difficult then Sam made it look. Her first attempt only got her half way, but she bounced on her right foot and made it all the way up on her second try. She swung her right leg over the saddle.

And she was sitting on a horse.

Angela helped her get her right foot into the right stirrup and showed her how to hold the reins. "You good?"

Meredith nodded, completely unable to stop smiling. Riding a horse had been a dream of hers since she was a little girl. She couldn't believe it was actually happening. She leaned forward and patted Picasso on the neck. "We're going to have fun, aren't we girl?"

The horse didn't respond – not that Meredith had expected her to – and turned her head, her ears pricked forward, to watch with interest as Derek was helped onto Prince. Meredith followed her gaze. The older brown horse – called a bay, Sam had told them – stood calmly; very still. Derek made one unsuccessful attempt to get on, and pulled his foot out of the stirrup. He stepped back for a moment and took a breath. And when he re-approached Prince, his expression told Meredith that he was determined.

His second attempt was successful and, other than a flash of pain across his face when he sat down a little too far forward on the saddle, he looked like he had himself collected.

"Great!" Sam called brightly, perched comfortably on top of Chester. "Are you both ready to go?"

Meredith nodded emphatically.

"Okay, then. I'm going to lead, with Picasso behind me and Prince taking up the rear." She turned Chester towards the open gate. "All you need to do is squeeze your legs against Picasso's sides and steer her head to face me."

Meredith nodded and sat up straight. Sam and Chester were about twenty feet away from them now, moving slowly as Sam called orders back over her shoulder. She very gently squeezed her legs against Picasso's sides. The horse didn't budge. She squeezed a little harder and was rewarded when the mare moved one step forward. "Okay," she mumbled to herself. "A little more..." And a little more was all it took. Picasso moved forward easily, not waiting for Meredith to remember to steer as she caught up to Chester.

"Good job," Sam praised. "Now do the same thing with Prince."

Meredith turned her upper body to look back at Derek. His face was still tense, but he seemed to have calmed now that he was on and realized the ground wasn't really that far away. A few seconds went by where nothing happened, but then Prince sighed and ambled towards his stablemates.

"Off we go!" Sam called, turning to face forward as she led them through the gate and along the path leading over the hill before them.

Meredith was still smiling as they climbed up the rolling hill, revelling in the feeling of being on a moving animal. It wasn't anything like she had imagined as a child. She had thought it to be more like sitting on a gliding object, where in actual fact she could feel every step Picasso made. She glanced back at Derek, who offered her a smile. Prince was ambling calmly behind Picasso.

The hill arched quickly, revealing a large field with a forest behind it. It was quiet as they made their way across the filed, still following a well used path. Sam remained silent, only glancing back to check on them every so often.

"It's beautiful out here," Meredith called. "You must love this job."

Sam smiled back at her. "Oh, it's an awesome way to work. I get to be around horses all the time."

Meredith smiled and nodded. Her lab partner in her freshman year of college had been a horseback rider, and always had stories of what had happened at the barn that week. She had told Meredith she owned two, who she competed with in the summer, and that she rode at least six days a week.

She glanced back at Derek again, who seemed calmer by the minute as he adjusted to the feeling of being on a horse. "You feeling better?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I'm fine."

Meredith laughed. "You sound like me."

"I wasn't scared," he retorted.

"Of course not," she agreed, sarcasm heavy in her voice.

"I just have a healthy respect for large animals..."

She giggled and turned back to face forward – right in time for Picasso to stop dead and stretch her head down to the ground. "Oh, I, uh..." Meredith stammered, her mind reeling to think what to do. This had been part of the lesson. They had been warned that their horse may stop and try and eat some grass.

"You need to pull her head up," Sam called.

Meredith glanced up at her leader, to see that she had stopped and turned Chester to face them. "Okay," she responded, sitting up and pulling with both hands.

"Horses have tons of muscles in their necks," Sam explained. "You'll never get her head up that way. You need to pull with only one rein so that you're only fighting half the muscles."

Meredith released the tension on the left rein and pulled only with the right. Picasso immediately picked up her head and ambled forward to catch up, blades of grass sticking out the side of her mouth. "Good girl," Meredith whispered, patting Picasso on the neck.

"Try and control your horse, Mer," Derek called from behind her.

She rolled her eyes, knowing he was getting her back for her earlier comments, and resisted the urge to turn and glare at him.

The ride continued, and they spent the next ninety minutes travelling through forests and fields, over rolling hills and even through a shallow stream. Even though it lasted an hour and a half, it was over before she knew it. Derek had relaxed quickly, and ten minutes into the ride all of the tension had melted away from his face and posture. He had even been keen for a few short trotting sessions.

The barn came into view as they passed back over the hill they had started with, and Meredith gave Picasso an affectionate pat on the neck. "Thanks for the ride, girl."

Sam stopped them near the barn and slid off of Chester. "I'll be right back to get you two off," she called as she disappeared into the barn with her horse.

"You have fun?" Derek asked.

She smiled at him. "I really did. Thank-you, Derek. I...thank-you."

He smiled back at her. "You're very welcome. Though you don't need to thank me. I like seeing you happy."

Meredith felt her heart constrict at his tender tone and unwavering gaze. "Well," she said shakily. "I'm happy." And they both knew she wasn't just talking about today's equine adventure. "I didn't know how serious you were about the list thing."

"Oh, I'm serious," he responded. "Skating, sledding and swimming; coming up."

She laughed. "The three S's."

He nodded. "We'll get to them. I promise. And anything else you want to do."

"You too," she said quickly. "We need to do things you want to do too."

"Okay."

Her heart soared as she stared into his eyes, unable to comprehend how lucky she was for having him in her life. For having anyone love her as much as he did. His smile always made her feel special, like it was reserved just for her. She loved this feeling, and she wished she could freeze everything right now, so she could feel this way forever.

"Okay," Sam called as she stepped out of the barn, inadvertently breaking their moment. "To get off you're going to take your right foot out of the stirrup, lean forward and swing your right leg over the saddle. You can use your left foot and stirrup to control your landing. And it's better to bend your knee when you land."

Meredith nodded, but paused when she felt something in her pocket press against her when she leaned forward. "Wait," she said, pulling her cell out of her pocket. They had been advised to turn off the ringer for the ride, but her phone was still on. She quickly set it to camera mode and held it out to Sam. "Could you take a picture of us? I know it's stupid, but-"

"It's not stupid," Sam said quickly. "We gets tons of requests for pictures." She even stepped forward to help Meredith manoeuvre Picasso closer to Prince before stepping back with the cell phone held out in front of her. "Smile," she called, and clucked her tongue to draw the attention of the horses. Prince stared lazily at her, undeterred by her noises, but Picasso looked on with interest, hers ears pricked in Sam's direction. "Got it."

"Thanks," Meredith said, removing her right foot from the stirrup again and slowly following Sam's directions to dismount the horse. It turned out to be less complicated than it sounded, and she landed easily on the ground beside Picasso. "Thanks for a great ride, Picasso," she said affectionately as she patted the horse's neck and face.

Picasso craned her head towards her and rubbed her face on Meredith's hand.

"Hey, how did it go?" Angela asked as she came out of the barn.

Meredith smiled. "Great. Picasso was wonderful. And Derek calmed down pretty quickly."

"They always do."

She giggled and gave Picasso one last pat before relinquishing the reins to Angela.

Sam took Prince from Derek, as well as their helmets. "Thanks for coming," she said. "Hope we'll see you again sometime."

"Absolutely," Meredith responded eagerly.

"Thank-you," Derek called as Sam led Prince into the barn. He smiled at Meredith and threaded his fingers through hers as they walked around the barn towards the car.

Meredith glanced at him and giggled.

"What?"

"You have helmet hair." His normally flawless hair was pressed down on the top and curly on the bottom.

He made a face and ran his free hand through his hair several times, trying to lift his flattened hair. "I'm glad we took the pictures with the helmets on."

She giggled again. "You're so vain."

Derek rolled his eyes and released her hand when they reached the car.

Meredith stepped half way around the car before she turned and hurried back before he sat down in the driver's seat.

"What?" He asked, his brow furrowed.

She shook her head, suddenly overcome, and threw her arms around his neck. He responded immediately, his arms going around her waist, his hands running along her spine.

"Thank-you," she whispered fiercely into his shoulder. "Thank-you, Derek. I...just thank-you."

"You're very welcome. I thought it would be fun."

She pulled away to meet his eyes. "No, you were terrified." There was no mocking tone in her voice. The simple truth was that he had been scared, but wanted to do it anyway. For her.

He offered her a small smile. "I may have been a little nervous," he relented.

"I love you," she said, unable to _not_ tell him in that moment.

"Hmm," he mumbled, brushing his lips against hers. "I love you too."

"I can't believe you did this for me, that you _would_ do this for me."

His smile was unlike anything she had seen before. "I'd do anything for you, Meredith."

She took a deep, shuddery breath and nodded. "Thank-you, and...you too."

He smiled again. "We'll do this again," he murmured. "And lots of other things."

"Okay."

His thumb brushed against her lips as his hand cupped her face. "I want to do these things with you; I want to experience new things with you."

It had been a little over a week since they had discussed Mark and Addison and how hard it was for him to depend on someone else, and Meredith was already amazed at the difference in him. He had dropped a wall that she had barely known was there before. She had known he didn't like to be vulnerable or appear 'weak,' but had assumed it was more to do with being a man then it did with being Derek. Either way, he had dropped the wall, and the difference was palpable. He seemed more comfortable, more relaxed. He had always been confident and cocky, but now he was more...secure. And Meredith's heart clenched every time she realized he trusted her enough to let her in this far; further, as assumed, then anyone else had gotten before.

"Well, you've got me," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

She smiled. "Yeah."

Derek cocked his head. "Forever?"

Meredith smirked and leaned in close so that their lips were only millimetres apart. "I'm going to have to insist on it."

"Mmm, I like the way you think," he mumbled.

She closed the gap between them, pressing her lips against his for a long moment before breaking the kiss and hugging him tight. "I never thought I'd have this, Derek," she whispered. "I never thought it existed. But it does, and I do. And I'm...happy."

His arms closed securely around her. "Me too, Mer, me too. I'm going to have to insist on forever as well. I sincerely doubt I could exist without you anymore. I'm hooked."

"Good; then it's not just me."

Derek chuckled. "Definitely not."

With one last, long, sigh, Meredith pulled back. "Thanks for bringing me here," she said again, before cocking her head. "What can I do to thank you properly?"

He smirked. "I can think of a few things..."

She raised an eyebrow. "And here I thought you wouldn't be up to screaming orgasms for a few days?"

He paused as he considered for a moment. "I don't see any problems; things weren't as bad...anatomically...as I expected."

Meredith giggled. "And to think...you love me so much that you were willing to give up sex for a few days."

"Goes to show you exactly how much I love you."

"Well, Shepherd, take me home, so that I can show you just how much I love you..."

He kissed her cheek before releasing her. "Gladly."

_**AN1: I've had a number of questions recently about the upcoming drowning arc, so I thought I'd address this here in case there are more questions. Yes, it will be featured. No, it will not be the same as on the show. Yes, Meredith will be knocked into the water. Yes, Meredith will succumb to the water, BUT what happens between Meredith and the water will be different (and if you've been paying attention, you probably know why...). The events of the day and the aftermath will be different. More will be done after it, because it would have been a big hit for both of them. Oh, and OT, a received an unsigned review after chapter 40 from 'Sarah' saying 'cause shouldn't Mer have a big scar down her chest from the bypass on the show now? I'm far from being a medical expert, but I doubt they have to crack a chest to put the patient on bypass. From my, limited, knowledge bypass runs the blood through a machine and oxygenates it so that the heart and lungs don't have to work. For Meredith it would keep the rest of her body alive as they brought her temperature back up without her heart beating. Does that make sense? Anyone reading know?**_

_**AN2: For those of you who read What I'm Here For and Still Here, I have officially started work on the third instalment, Here We Are.**_


	43. Chapter 43

"Snorkelling."

"What?" Meredith asked, sending Derek a questioning glance.

He smiled and sidled closer to her, his hand moving from hers to hook around her waist. "You told me to think about things to add to the list," he explained. "And I want to try snorkelling."

"Like, with a mask and a snorkel, in the water?"

"Mmhmm," he murmured, pulling her close as they stared out at the water before them, both leaning on the ferry railing.

"We can do that," she responded. "Well, you can do that. I'll buy you a mask and a snorkel and watch..."

"Hey, I went trail riding with you."

She giggled at the memory of his initial fear. "Yes, you did. But snorkelling involves swimming."

"Then we'll just have to do the swimming thing first," he replied. "I don't want to go by myself."

"How long does it take to learn how to swim?"

"Not long," he said softly as he thought back to helping teach his nephew how to swim. Caleb, Kathleen's oldest, had been four. An hour in the pool with water wings had been enough for the boy to get the hang of it. "It's mostly about coordination." He had to bite back a smirk at the thought of buying her a set of water wings as a joke. She'd probably kill him; but it would be worth it.

"That's good. You can teach me, and then we can go snorkelling in your pond."

He scoffed. "You can't snorkel there."

"Why not?"

"Because the point is to go somewhere you don't live to snorkel."

She shot him a look. "You don't live at the trailer. You live with me, remember?"

He laughed at her tone and pressed his lips against the side of her head. "Of course I remember. How could I ever forget?"

She grumbled something unintelligible under her breath.

"And I meant that you need to go away to go snorkelling. Like, go somewhere tropical and look at all the colourful fish," he clarified.

"Oh, now I get it. Somewhere tropical, huh?"

He nodded. "We could go somewhere."

"Like, a vacation?"

"Exactly."

"For how long?"

"As long as we wanted... Or really, as long as we could get off work."

She giggled at that, but didn't respond right away.

Derek leaned his head against hers and sighed, not wanting to push her. Things had been wonderful between them for a while now. Ever since she had admitted her fears about going to New York and he had realized how deep they lay, he had gained a better understanding not of who she was but _why_ she was who she was. She was in this, he knew, but she sometimes needed some time to warm up to new ideas. And although they had rescheduled their trip to New York (for the second time now), a future vacation could mean something completely different in her head.

"I have time off after my test," she mumbled suddenly, taking him by surprise.

"What?"

She pulled away from him far enough to meet his gaze. Her eyes didn't convey fear or uncertainty. He smiled when he realized she had been silent because she had been thinking, and not because she had been avoiding.

"After my intern test, at the end of the year," she clarified. "I have two weeks off. It's still a couple months away; you could still apply for time off."

Derek smiled. "I could."

"And then we could go somewhere tropical and swim with the fishes..."

He rolled his eyes as his girlfriend giggled at her own statement. "What am I going to do with you?"

She tucked herself into his arms and kissed him, hard. "I can think of a few things," she whispered seductively.

"Hmm, and what would they be?" He asked, pressing closer to her, even though his mind was telling him to pull away before he started to respond.

With one eyebrow raised, she glanced around them to make sure no one was within ear shot. "Have you ever done it on a ferry boat?" She finally whispered.

Her words took him by surprise and he gaped at her for a moment.

She laughed at his expression. "I'll take that as a no..."

Derek coughed as he recovered. "That's a definite no. But something I'm definitely adding to the list."

Meredith giggled. "You and your ferryboats..."

"You brought it up."

She smirked and pressed her pelvis into his, purposefully taking his statement the wrong way. "Did I now?"

With every ounce of strength he had, Derek pulled back. "Don't be making comments you can't follow through on." Regardless of how serious she was being, the ferry was very close to the docks now, meaning there was no way they had time for what she was implying.

She made a face when he pulled away, but refrained from any further comments. It wasn't until they were heading below deck to his car that she stopped him and pressed her lips against his. "One day," she promised.

"Mmm," he kissed her back. "It's definitely on the list now."

With one last kiss, she released him and continued for the car. They had the day off and had planned to get away the night before, but an emergency surgery had extended his shift, and by the time he had gotten off it had been late and dark and pouring rain. It hadn't been a hard decision to stay in town over night and drive out in the morning. They would have less then twenty-four hours before they were needed back at the hospital, but it was well worth it to get some time alone.

000

"Mmm," Meredith purred, having finally caught her breath. She rolled to lie against his chest, her head resting on his shoulder.

"Mmm is right," Derek responded, his hands finding her naked back. "We should do this more often."

She giggled and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Because we haven't done enough of it today?" Since they had arrived at the trailer, they had spent hours together in bed; only leaving the bedroom for food.

"Well, maybe we've done enough for now," he conceded. "Because I can barely move, let alone...you know."

She giggled again. "Admitting weakness, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Not weakness, just a healthy respect for biology."

She shook her head, her eyes sparkling. "Worried I'm going to think less of you as a man?"

He growled, knowing she was teasing, but unable to let it go. "I'd like to see you go again right now."

"Hmm," she murmured, stretching up to kiss him. "I'm with you. I can barley move right now. You wore me out."

Derek allowed himself a smile at her words. As much as he liked to think himself above such thoughts, he was proud of what he could do to her. She was close to a decade younger than himself, and yet he could still keep up to her, could still make her writhe and moan and scream his name. And he loved that she wasn't afraid to express that, was never afraid to tell him how he made her feel. "Yeah, well, you wore me out too," he mumbled.

She sighed and lay her head back down on his shoulder, the fingers of her left hand playing absently along his chest. "It's getting late."

One glance through the window told him she was right. The sun was setting quickly; it was nearly dark. "You hungry?" It had been a while since they had pulled themselves away from the bed for lunch.

"Maybe a little. But I should shower first so my hair can dry."

"Me too."

She lifted her head again, her eyes still sparkling. "We could save time and share a shower..."

He smirked. "I like the way you think, Dr. Grey."

"Why thank-you, Dr. Shepherd." She stretched up to kiss him on the lips before rolling away from him and staggering to her feet.

Derek followed suit, and couldn't help but smile at the sight of his girlfriend, in all her glory, smiling back at him as they met at the foot of the bed.

"It's too bad we're worn out," she murmured, hooking her hands around the back of his neck.

He cocked his head and ran his hands across her sides to the small of her back. "Why's that?"

She smirked. "Because now we can't do the bendy thing."

He laughed and kissed her. "It is too bad," he finally agreed. "But if we get up early, we can do it tomorrow..."

"We better get up early then."

"We better," he confirmed, releasing his hold on her to turn for the shower. It was a small, square shower stall, not allowing much space when you were in there alone, let alone with another person. But he couldn't think of many situations that were better then spending twenty minutes with his naked, wet, warm girlfriend, especially when the whole shower smelled of lavender.

They both eagerly stepped into the shower and remained under the stream of hot water until the steam stopped forming and the temperature began to fall. With a sigh, Derek shut off the water and ran his hands through his wet locks.

Her hands quickly replaced his, her palms sliding from the sides of his head to the center, pulling his hair up into a wobbly Mohawk.

He gave her a pointed look. "There aren't many people I let mess with my hair."

She giggled. "But you love me."

"I do," he agreed, kissing her, even as he reached up to fix his hair.

"No," she chastised, pulling at his hands. "Leave it; it's a good look. I think you should wear it like that to work."

His lips curled upwards inadvertently. "Oh, yeah, that would go well. _Nice to meet you, I'm the head of neurosurgery here at Seattle Grace. Please ignore my hair; my girlfriend's a little insane._"

"I am not insane," she retorted.

"Well, your fashion sense is." He reached his hand up, only for her to stop him again.

"At least look at it in the mirror before you ruin it."

He rolled his eyes. "You just want a chance to get your phone to take a picture."

"You know me too well."

"I'll look at it in the mirror, but there will be no pictures." He pecked her lips before finally pushing open the door of the shower and reaching for a towel.

Derek stepped out of the shower, Meredith right behind him, but stopped dead, his heart jumping into his throat as he suppressed the urge to yell; instead it came out as a strangled yelp.

"Hello, stranger," the figure sitting cross legged on the foot of the bed called, a smirk on her face. And not one trace of sympathy for his situation.

Meredith, who had walked right into him when he had stopped so suddenly, gasped at the unexpected voice and remained silent, glued to his back.

"Nancy," he sputtered, his heart still finding its way back to the right place in his chest. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I was planning on spending some quality time with my baby brother, but it seems like he's already spending some quality time with someone else... A different kind of quality time, mind you."

He glared at her, knowing she was enjoying this situation. "And you don't call first?" With his towel wrapped around his waist, he managed to reach into the bathroom for a second towel without removing his girlfriend's only means of cover from his sister.

"What, and ruin the surprise?"

Derek glared at his sister again as he passed the second towel behind him.

"Nice hair, by the way. I thought the craziness was only in giving up a million dollar practice and leaving New York for Seattle. But the fact that you messed with the hair..." She shook her head. "Should I be worried."

"Oh, you should be worried," he retorted. "But not about me."

She smirked. "So, are you going to introduce me to the girl you're so smitten with, or is she going to hide behind you for the rest of the evening."

"Nancy," he said warningly. He loved his sister, but she wasn't known for her tact.

"Derek," she countered.

He glared at her again.

"Fine," she said, feigning innocence. "Apparently I have to do it all by myself. Hello, Meredith," she called. "I'm Derek's favourite sister, Nancy. It's nice to meet you. It would be even nicer to actually see you..."

"Hi," Meredith said meekly, wrapped in a towel now, but still hiding behind Derek, her forehead pressed into his back. "Nice to meet you too, but...no...you're not going to see me...like this."

"Come on, Meredith," Nancy continued, ignoring her brother's pointed looks. "From what I hear, we're practically family."

Derek rolled his eyes. "That's it. Out," he demanded.

"Excuse me?" Nancy raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow.

"You heard me. Get out. Stay out. Let us get dressed so we can do this properly."

"Fine." His sister made a show of sighing and slowly getting off the bed.

Derek reached one hand behind himself to guide Meredith as he turned and backed towards the shower, allowing her to disappear back into it while his sister walked by. Once the door had shut behind Nancy, Derek turned back towards the shower. Meredith was huddled inside, her arms wrapped around her torso.

"Well, that was embarrassing," she mumbled. "And I should know, because I've done a lot of embarrassing things before."

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I had no idea she was coming."

"Can I just stay in here?"

He had to smile at her tone. "I'm afraid not. She's probably been sent to meet you and send back a report. She won't be leaving until she's accomplished her task."

"Crap."

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"It's not your fault."

"It's my fault for telling them where I moved..."

She giggled and finally stepped out of the shower, clutching tightly to her towel.

"Though they know I live with you in town," he continued, "Which means she must have gone there first."

"Which means George and Izzy told them where we were. Which also means George and Izzy are going to die tomorrow."

He chuckled as he pulled some clothes out his bag to change into. Meredith did the same, and quickly got dressed.

"You ready?" He asked when they were both decent.

"No."

"It's not that bad."

"Not that bad? Derek, we've cancelled twice on flying to New York. I, apparently, called your mother when I was high on morphine. And now your sister shows up at exactly the right time to catch us coming out of the shower together-"

"Hey," he cut in softly, his hands reaching for her hips. "First of all, we're both grown adults, so who cares if she walks in on us doing grown up adult things. And second...it's a good thing she didn't show up an hour ago."

Meredith groaned and buried her face into his chest. "I was supposed to be making good impressions..."

"The only person you have to win over is me, Mer, and you've done it."

"But you're not the only one," she argued. "They're your family, Derek, your freaking family. And they mean a lot to you. And they already see that you moved out here and met me right away. And they know I'm younger then you _and_ that I'm an intern. They're going to think that all we do is have sex, and that-"

"Meredith, shut up," he demanded. "You're freaking out. I'm sorry this got sprung on you. I had no idea she was coming. But it's going to be okay. Okay? I promise."

She sighed and stared up at him, her brow furrowed. "Is this just divine retribution for messing with the hair?"

He couldn't help but laugh. "Mmm, maybe," he conceded. "So, just to be safe, don't mess with it again."

She smiled back at him. "I'm freaking out."

"I know."

"Tell me it's going to be okay."

He smiled and pecked her lips. "It's going to be okay."

"Are you just saying that?"

Derek chuckled and kissed her again. "I mean it," he promised. "It's going to be fine. I love you. And Nancy will love you."

"Okay. Okay...I...am I dressed okay?" She was wearing jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt. "I didn't really bring anything fancy..."

"You don't need anything fancy," he assured. "You just need to be you."

"Okay. I...I'm ready."

"You sure?"

She offered him a wobbly smile. "No."

He laughed and pressed his lips against her forehead. "Good to hear it."

Meredith giggled and allowed him to lead her into the kitchen.

"I love you," he whispered, as a gentle reminder.

"You too."

He squeezed her hand and turned for the door.

"Hello again, stranger," Nancy said as she stepped back into the trailer. "You look different then you did a minute ago...oh, that's right, you put some clothes on..."

Derek rolled his eyes as he pulled his sister into a hug. "Nice to see you too, Nance, but we could do without the sarcasm."

"Oh, come on, Derek. You'd be doing exactly the same thing if this little situation was reversed."

"No, I wouldn't, because I'm nicer than you are."

She laughed and pulled away. "Obviously you're still trying to impress Meredith."

He rolled his eyes.

Nancy turned towards Meredith and held out her hand. "It's nice to meet you, Meredith. Sorry about before. I can never resist an opportunity to bug my favourite brother."

"I'm your only brother."

His sister sent him a smirk. "Why do you think you're my favourite?"

Meredith giggled as she shook Nancy's hand. "It's nice to meet you too...properly."

Nancy smiled. "At least you can see the humour, unlike my baby brother here..."

"You can stop calling me that any time, Nance."

She glanced at him. "Never. I'll always be older than you."

He rolled his eyes again. "By a year and a half."

Nancy shrugged. "Still counts."

Derek glared at her, but motioned for them all to sit down at the table. He sat next to Meredith, making sure she was doing okay. "So, how long are you in town for?"

"Trying to get rid of me already?"

"Of course not," he retorted. "I know trying to force you to do anything you don't want to do is an impossibility."

It was Nancy's turn to roll her eyes.

Derek smiled. "Well, I assume you have an agenda; that's why mom sent you, right?"

"Hey, you should be grateful I'm here. Mom was ready to fly everyone out. I offered to do some individual reconnaissance first."

"We're really sorry we've cancelled...twice," Meredith said, finally speaking up. "It was...my fault. But we've rescheduled, and-"

"No worries, Meredith," Nancy cut in. "Mom's just getting antsy. She's used to seeing us all the time. Derek's the only one of us to move so far away. And it's been nearly a year now. She just wants to know what your life is like."

"M-my life?" Meredith stammered slightly.

Nancy didn't seem to notice. "Your life," she repeated, "Yours and Derek's."

Derek couldn't help the smile that took over his face at how easily his sister spoke. He and Meredith had a life; together. And even though his family had never met her, they were aware and accepting of it. Meredith inhaled sharply beside him, evidently reaching the same conclusion as him, and reached for her hand.

"What have you been sent to find out?"

"The usual. Where you live. Where you work. Meet your friends." She smirked. "And Mom was very adamant that I come home with proof that you really do own a trailer."

Even Meredith laughed at that one.

"And I gotta say, baby brother, I didn't believe it until I saw it."

"What's wrong with it?" He countered.

"It's a trailer," she said dryly. "And you're a surgeon."

"Hey, just because I don't need to live like you-"

"Don't turn this on me, Derek. You lived like me until a year ago. I'll have to get a picture of the trailer tomorrow when there's light," she continued. "But I've already got a picture of the house in town that you live in." She turned to Meredith. "I believe it's your house?"

Meredith nodded hesitantly. "Sort of. It's my mother's. But she's sick. And I have power of attorney and everything, so I guess it's kind of mine..."

"It's a really nice house," Nancy said honestly. "Your roommates were home and gave me a tour before sending me here."

"Hmm, now I really am going to kill them," Meredith mumbled.

"They didn't even call to warn you?"

"Nope."

Nancy laughed. "Yeah, I'd kill them too if I were you."

Meredith giggled. "Well, if you already got a tour of the house, did you want a tour of the trailer?" She smirked. "It'll only take a second..."

Nancy laughed. "I think I saw pretty much everything."

Derek rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling at the realization that his sister and his girlfriend were getting along...even if it was at his expense. "It was only ever temporary. It's not like I live here anymore."

"You're lucky you managed to find a girl who would put up with it."

"Hey, Mer likes the trailer."

Nancy smirked. "Yes, I realized that earlier."

Derek glared at his sister as Meredith blushed beside him and momentarily buried her face against his shoulder. It was going to be a long evening.


	44. Chapter 44

"You realize that in some states, including this one, this is considered stalking?"

"Come on, baby brother," Nancy said dryly, trailing along beside him. "You know you love me. And I just want to know what your life is like."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he forced himself to trudge along through the familiar halls of Seattle Grace, trying to formulate the best route of escape. He could always jump into an elevator and make himself disappear before she caught up, but if he was unsuccessful and she got into the elevator car with him, it was all over. The trick, he had learned at an early age, was to be discreet and wait for the perfect opportunity. If she – and _she_ could mean any one of his sisters – caught onto his plans to escape, avoid, hide, keep secrets or do anything they didn't actively agree or participate in, he was screwed; escape was futile.

So, yes, escape by elevator was out of the question. But he did have an advantage over his sister that he hadn't had growing up. Whereas he and Nancy had been equally familiar with their childhood home, he was the only one with inside knowledge of Seattle Grace.

"I do have to admit that this is a nice hospital. When I pictured a _Seattle_ hospital in comparison to New York I have to admit I was expecting something...less evolved."

"Ah, there's the East Coast snobbery I remember."

"You're certainly in a mood this morning," she shot back.

Derek groaned as he seriously considered jumping over the railing of the bridge as they crossed it. The reason he was in a so called 'mood' this morning was because his sister had shown up unannounced in his _new_ life the day before, had caught him and his _new_ girlfriend coming out of the shower together, and was now stalking him at his _new_ job. Their conversation the night before – once all three parties were sufficiently clothed – had been okay...until Nancy had announced that she was staying with them at the trailer.

He had barely slept the night before; mostly because Meredith hadn't been sleeping and he had stayed awake beside her, worrying. Nancy had slept on the spare bed that pulled out from the couch, and with no barrier between the 'living room' and the 'bed room' of the trailer, Meredith had been terrified to touch him during the night, lest his sister catch her. So, she had lain awake, as close to the edge of the bed as she could. And he had lain awake on the other side, keeping his promise to keep his distance, listening to her shallow breathing and wishing he could reach out for her. And in the morning, when Meredith had gotten up early, he had offered her an out on an awkward morning by giving her his keys and telling her to go in early.

She had been grateful, he knew, even though she refused to even kiss him in the presence of his sister, and it had made him feel better...that he had been able to save her from another potential bad memory involving his sister. But it had led to one unfortunate situation.

He had been forced to ride into work with his sister in her rental car. And while Nancy's terrifying teenage driving skills had been downgraded to worrying in her adulthood, it, added with the fact that he hadn't had a break from his sister in hours, was making Derek pray for a page. Any page.

Any page, or even suspicious beeping sound in his near vicinity, that he could pretend to be a nine-one-one.

"So, do I get to see your office?"

"Whatever you want," he placated. Maybe he could lose her on the way. The stairs were an option, but he wasn't sure whether he could outrun her enough to get away. He may be able to make it to a restricted area, but doubted the security signs would even slow her down. Locking her out of his office was always an option, but that didn't leave him a method of escape, only avoidance.

With Derek leading, they rounded the corner to the elevators. One was just closing, and Derek felt his leg muscles tense for a fraction of a second, ready to make a run for it. But he knew he'd never make it. With a quiet, resigned sigh, he walked the rest of the way and pressed the 'up' button.

It was still early, and so the elevators weren't in overuse, and came quickly. When their car stopped a floor below the office floor, he toyed briefly with the idea of shoving his sister into the hallway and riding up or down a floor to safety. But one of his neuro attendings stepped into the elevator and Derek's professionalism won. He couldn't be seen shoving unsuspecting women out of elevators for no apparent reason by doctors who were supposed to look up to him.

"Dr. Shepherd," the younger man greeted.

"Hi, Dr. Krycheck. How was your surgery this morning?" Krycheck had been scheduled for a tumour resection that morning. He was still young, fresh out of his fellowship, but Derek was quite pleased with both his skills and manner.

"Good. Got it all."

"Great. I got an e-mail about a possible hemi patient. If all goes well I want you to assist."

Krycheck smiled. "Thanks, Dr. Shepherd. That would be great."

"I'll make sure and put you on the team then."

The elevator dinged to announce it's arrival on the office floor, and the doors opened. Derek stepped out after a brief goodbye to Krycheck. It had been difficult for him to come in and take over the department without having ever set foot in Seattle Grace before, and he had found the attendings and residents below him hard to get to know. It wasn't that they had been cold or off-putting, only reserved about their new boss. It probably hadn't helped that not only had their new boss come in from across the country out of nowhere, but had immediately started a relationship with an intern. Derek shook his head. Regardless of the then, the now was better. Barriers were coming down.

"It's smaller," was Nancy's first comment as he opened the door and ushered her in to his office. Her words echoed so many she had spoken that morning already. The ferryboats were less crowded. The drive was longer. The traffic was much less busy. His clothing was different.

"Well, I don't spend nearly as much time in this one."

"Hmm," she mumbled in response as she wandered past the worn couch and mis-matching book cases to his desk. The wood of the bookcases was different than that of the desk, the dark brown couch probably clashed horribly with the greenish walls and reddish-brown carpet, and he was pretty sure none of his degrees or pictures were hung straight on the wall. But the bookcases held only textbooks and journals of interest to him. And the blue couch was comfortable, and could actually be used to sit on for long periods of time. And the green tinted walls brought out his girlfriend's eyes. And the dark coloured carpet was good for hiding stains, allowing his office to be used often as a lunch room when he and Meredith had sufficient free time together.

"It's different," Nancy mused, turning back to him when her eyes had done a quick sweep of the room. "Very different." There was no designer furniture picked out of a catalogue. There was no glass desk and thousand dollar ergodynamic chair that made his back hurt. There were no paintings or expensive photographs Addison had bid on at a charity auction.

She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes as she studied him closely. "Then again, I guess it fits, seeing as you're different."

"I'm different?"

"You look different. You're hair is longer. There's the whole trading in the designer suits for jeans thing that we still need to discuss. You're calmer. Before it was like you were always living ahead..."

_Before_.

For such a common, simple word, Derek was surprised by its sudden ominous ring. It made him feel disjointed, like he was living a completely separate life, like he was a different person. Which he was, but also wasn't. He had changed locations and living styles, jobs but not careers, and had lost his wife only to discover the love of his life. He had changed, but he hadn't _changed_. He was still Derek Shepherd. He still came from the same place, still had the same family, memories, morals and values. He was still a surgeon, still saved lives. And Meredith...Meredith was the love of his life, no doubt, but she hadn't changed him, hadn't caused a shift in personality so severe that he should be referred to as now-Derek and before-Derek.

He didn't want to be told by his sister, who had known him since the day he was born, that he was so different then he was _before_.

"Seattle is smaller," Nancy was saying. "And wetter. The hospital is smaller." She smirked. "And I assume the salary is too."

He rolled his eyes. "You know it's not about the money." In fact, it never had been. His sisters may be a tad materialistic from his perspective, but he knew that trait was a product of their professions and not the other way around. Money had been tight after their father had died. Very tight. There hadn't been enough for commodities and extras. But the Shepherd children were nothing if they weren't determined and resilient. And a middle of the night promise between them, Mark included, had led to all six becoming doctors. Not for the money, but to save lives, so that other people didn't have to grow up like they had.

She ignored his comment as she motioned towards a framed family photo on his wall. "I see you didn't forget us."

It had been meant as a joke, but her comment hurt. "How could I, when you force yourselves into my life whenever you please?" He shot back.

"Hey, I came out here as a favour," she reminded, her tone telling him to keep the blame far away from her. Nancy was good at that – shifting blame to everyone else but herself. "If mom had gotten her way it would have been all of us."

"And why is it that you couldn't have waited a few more weeks? Seriously. I at least deserved a freaking phone call."

"You talk differently too," Nancy commented, her tone light again, trying to diffuse the situation.

It, however, had the opposite effect she intended. "Stop doing that!" He demanded. "Stop comparing every detail of my life to what it was in New York. Things have changed, but I'm still me."

"But you're not. We barely know you anymore, Derek. You talk to mom, but rarely to us."

He rolled his eyes. "You and I both know she tells you everything I tell her. I don't need to waste time giving the same updates to five people."

"It's not the same. We miss you. We don't move away, Derek, it's not what we do."

A dozen comments came to mind, but he bit his tongue. Now was certainly not the time to pull out the past. Now was not the time to tell his sister that the moment he set foot in Seattle he felt like he could breathe for the first time since his father died. Now was not the time to tell her how much he had wanted to move away years before, but hadn't done lest is hurt his mother or upset the balance of his family. Now was not the time to tell his sister that an uncharacteristic selfish act following the destruction of his marriage and friendship with Mark had been the best thing he had done in a long time. Maybe ever.

"We all stayed close to mom," she reminded. "She likes having us close. We like having each other close."

"What about what I like? What about what I want?"

She sighed, exasperated. "It's Seattle, Derek. _Seattle_. You're from New York. You belong in New York."

"I like it here."

"Come home," she pleaded suddenly. "Mark and Addison are both here now. You can come home without them being there."

He shook his head. "I have a life here."

"I get it," she placated. "Your life fell apart. You needed a change. You discovered you prefer a hospital environment to private practice; there are tons of hospitals in New York, Derek. You wouldn't have a problem getting a job. Hell, you can buy land in the country and put a trailer on it and live however you want, but, please Derek, come home."

"I am home."

"You've been here ten months. You spent over thirty years in New York."

"That doesn't make it home."

"Is this about the intern?"

He seethed. "Meredith."

"Don't give me that look. I like her. Bring her with you. Just come home."

"Is this why mom sent you? To try and force me to move back? If so, you can leave right now. I'm staying in Seattle." He was disappointed, having let himself believe his mother was supportive of his new life.

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

She glared at him. "We miss you in New York, Derek. We need you."

"No you don't. But, while we're on the subject, what about what I need?"

"You can make changes when you come home. Just come home."

"I am home. I have a life here."

"You had a life in New York."

The shrill sound of his pager going off filled the room. Derek sighed in relief as he reached to his waist band. It wasn't a nine-one-one page; he was only being called to the pit, but it was enough to get him away from this conversation. He sighed heavily and glanced upwards, meeting his sister's eyes. "No," he said quietly. "I didn't have a life."

000

Hours later, Derek was still stewing from his conversation with his sister as he stalked across the bridge. His earlier consult had led to OR time for a set of Burr holes. He had been out of surgery for more than an hour, but had yet to find, or even begin to look for, the sister he had quickly ditched when his pager had gone off.

It had been a long time since he had allowed that many angry feelings about his life to rise, and he was having trouble shoving them back down. He hadn't even realized how strongly he still felt.

It wasn't that he didn't love his family. And it wasn't that he wouldn't do anything for them. It was that they knew he would do anything for them, and had, albeit inadvertently, taken advantage of that. He was a middle child, but had started working part time at an early age to help with the bills, and then to help out his sisters in college. He had been a star student, learning quickly and studying hard from kindergarten on. Skipping grade four and doing high school in three years instead of four, with top grades and references along the way, had led to multiple scholarship offers. He had wanted to go to Johns Hopkins with Mark, but had stayed in New York; for his family. He had worked through college – which he also did in three years – saving some money and sending some home. His savings had come in handy when the NYU medical school hadn't offered him as much scholarships as for his pre-med degree. New York was not a cheap city to live in.

He had skimped and saved his whole life, which was why a surgical salary had been such a shock to him. And his experiences had never allowed him to be comfortable in Addison's expected lifestyle. But he had never complained, had never spoken up or requested change. He had never thought to.

It was stupid to him now, that he had lived that way for so long without speaking up, but at the time he was just doing what he had always done; putting the females in his life first. He had been strong after his father had died; he had had to be. His once perfect childhood had disintegrated in the blink of an eye. His father had told him once that their family was the most important thing in his life, and the integrity in his voice had made Derek determined to take care of his mother and sisters as best he could in his father's absence. Other then the days following his death, and the funeral, Derek hadn't cried in front of anyone. He had been there for them. He had sat by his sisters' bedsides as they cried themselves to sleep. He had held his mother's hand on every anniversary when they went to the cemetery. He had stayed close when he was wanted to go.

It wasn't that he had given up dreams for his family, it was that he wasn't sure if his dreams had really been his dreams. For so long he had done exactly what was expected of him and more then that, he had never stopped to reassess. He had always believed he belonged in New York, that he was genetically programmed to hate it anywhere else. But he had been wrong. Seattle fit his personality, his preferred way of life. So did Meredith. And he wondered what else he would discover he had been wrong about.

All he knew for sure was that moving to Seattle had been the first impulsive thing he had done in as long as he could remember.

And it was the best thing he had done. Ever. He could breathe. He had a life. He had Meredith.

He just needed to make his family understand that.

Derek pulled himself from his thoughts just in time to realize he was about to walk right past his girlfriend. "Hey," he called softly, putting the breaks on.

She smiled at him. "I was wondering if you were going to see me. You looked like you were off in your own world there."

Regardless of the fact that it was the middle of a work day, he didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms for a quick hug. Because he really needed a hug from her.

Meredith was an anomaly in his life. She didn't treat him like his sisters did, like Addison had. To her he wasn't the stereotypical man who was expected to go along with her plans. He doubted she was even aware of that stereotype. She wasn't precise and refined, but she was elegant and relatively graceful. She was admittedly scared, but loved him openly. She never expected him to change or act different for her. And she let him be him. If he wanted to own a trailer, he could own a trailer. She may make a few off-hand remarks about it, but all in good fun. The fact was she loved it just as much as he did.

"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly when he pulled away. He was allowed to be not perfect with her. He was allowed to be upset and hurt and sad. In fact, she insisted on it, insisted that he be vulnerable as well as she.

He let out a long sigh, shedding some tension. "I...don't know."

She cocked her head. "Your surgery?"

"Was fine. It's my sister."

"Oh."

His lips curled into a smile at her short answer. It wasn't that she was being curt, but simply had no idea what to offer. And Meredith wasn't the type to talk for the sake of saying something. She could ramble with the best of them, but always with a purpose. "She's driving me crazy," he offered.

"How long is she staying?"

"She still hasn't told me. But she did make sure to point out every feature of my life that is 'different.'"

"Different then New-York-Derek's life?"

He laughed. "Exactly."

"Hmm. Were you that different?"

"I wasn't. But my life was, which I guess made me different. But I don't feel like I've changed, only..."

"Only what?"

He glanced around. The middle of the bridge was not the place to be having this discussion, but he was committed. No one seemed to be in their general vicinity other than Izzy, who was sticking oddly close to Meredith, but was politely turned away, giving them space. "I just feel like I'm living for me now."

"Well, that's good."

"Yeah, but she doesn't see it that way."

"What do you mean?"

"She wants me to move back to New York."

"Oh," she said again, only now there was a waver of uncertainty in her tone.

He immediately chastised himself for being so blunt. "I'm not going back to New York," he assured quickly. The one thing he really didn't need right now was Meredith worrying about something so absurd. "It's just...I always stayed close for them. And they don't need me anymore. They just want me there. I guess I thought they got it, you know? I really thought they were going to let me live my life, that they would be happy that I was happy. But...now I wonder if they're humouring me, just waiting for me to 'come to my senses' and move back."

Her lips formed a thin line before she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth to bite between her teeth. "Nancy said they want you back in New York?"

He nodded. "And I get that they miss me. Hell, I miss them. My mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews. But I have a life here. How can they just expect me to pick up and move home so they can see me once every week or two for dinner?"

She hesitated before speaking again. "Are you sure she doesn't just want you to leave Seattle to get away from me?"

He reached for her hand and shook his head. "I'm sure. In fact, she told me to bring you with me, that she likes you."

A small smile flittered across her lips. "Really?"

"Really. Just don't tell her I told you. She'll never admit to it."

Meredith laughed, but didn't have a chance to respond.

Derek felt a presence beside him and didn't have to turn to know that it was his sister.

"I finally found you."

"I had a patient. It's not my fault I didn't know you were coming, and therefore didn't take time off work."

"That's getting a little old, Derek."

"I'm just saying it how I feel it."

"You're really in a mood today," she responded, before turning to Meredith. "Please tell me you don't have a brother like him to put up with?"

Derek seethed silently as his girlfriend stumbled over an answer about being an only child.

"Hmm, lucky you."

He had had enough. "If that's the way you feel, Nancy," he snapped, "You're free to get on a plane, go home, and pretend like you don't have a brother."

"My god, Derek, what has Seattle done to you that you can't even take a joke anymore?"

"It made me happy," he shot back, "Which is more than New York ever did."

Nancy continued to hold his gaze, but said nothing.

Meredith had averted her eyes, and carefully stepped back from the arguing siblings. Izzy, still beside her, couldn't seem to keep her gaze away, alternating from staring away to glancing at them. Her movement eventually caught Nancy's attention.

"Can we help you? Or do you think we could continue our _private_ conversation?"

"Oh, I...can't leave my boss's side," Izzy stammered quietly, taken aback by the difference in the woman she had met the day before.

"Bailey's got Izzy shadowing me today," Meredith explained.

"Still..."

"Leave her alone, Nancy," Derek demanded.

Nancy rolled her eyes. "Okay, you know what? You're in a mood today, Derek. I'm going to go and find a way to occupy myself while I wait for my brother, who I flew across the country to see, decides to be a little nicer today." And with that, she turned on her heel and left them alone.

Silence reigned for several moments before Izzy spoke up. "Derek, no offence, but your sister is a little McBitchy..."

He released a breath, and then he snorted. And then he was laughing. "You are absolutely right, Stevens. I'm glad you chose today to come back."

000

"You should have seen that," Nancy called as she flittered into the lounge where Derek was working away on some case notes. "Two uteruses, which was so unbelievably cool. And a cute baby to boot."

He sighed. She was ignoring their earlier conversation. "I'm glad you're enjoying your trip."

She paused, standing before him, her hands on her hips. "Okay, seriously, Derek. What the hell is the matter with you? You say you're happy, but you're acting like you're miserable."

The corner of his mouth twitched. "You said seriously," he pointed out. "You called me on it earlier, but obviously it's not my fault. It's contagious here."

"And you're avoiding my question." She dropped into the chair beside him.

He sighed heavily. "I do like it here. I belong here. And I need for you, my _family_, to understand that."

"We do."

"If you do, then why have you been torturing me all day?"

An uncharacteristic flash of pain crossed Nancy's face. "Just because we understand doesn't mean we don't miss you, Derek. It doesn't mean we'll accept it right away. We _miss_ you," she repeated.

"I miss you too."

"You have our support, Derek. We love you, and we'll always support you. But we still want you close. It took me over five hours to fly here. A year ago I could drive to your house in forty-five minutes."

"I had to get away," he admitted. "I don't belong in New York. I thought I did, but..."

"But you belong here." There was an air of understanding in her tone.

He nodded. "I do."

"None of us have ever left home before."

"You did."

She rolled her eyes. "For college. And I was a two hour drive away."

"I never left."

She studied him closely for a moment. "No, I guess you never did. I remember you wanting to go to Johns Hopkins..."

"Yeah, I did."

"But you picked NYU."

"I did."

Nancy sighed and placed her hand on his forearm, offering a reassuring squeeze. "We miss you, Derek. We love you and we miss you and we want you close by. But we don't _need_ you in New York."

He met her eyes, wondering when she had gotten so insightful. He hadn't even realized one of the emotions plaguing him today had been guilt until she brought it up.

"I know I've been..." She trailed off before continuing, "A _bitch_, as you so eloquently put it, but it's only because I miss my baby brother. I haven't seen you in a year, Derek. And mom is..."

"What about mom?"

Nancy shook her head, her eyes a little misty. "I kind of lied. She wasn't going to get us all on a plane right away. She mentioned us flying out eventually...to see you in your new life. And I guess I...I guess I don't want you to have a new life, which is selfish, I know, but it's the truth. Because if you have a new life it means you really are staying here. And mom gets that, and _that's_ what scared me."

"Mom gets it?"

She nodded. "Yeah. She said she's happy you've finally found yourself."

He closed his eyes for a moment, happy that at lease one member of his family understood him.

"I'm sorry."

Derek opened his eyes, surprised. Nancy didn't offer apologies very often. "Me too."

"Do you think maybe you over reacted a bit because you're afraid I may change something about your life by coming here? That your old life will infect your new life?"

As much as he wanted to deny it, she certainly had a point. "Kathleen is the shrink, Nancy, not you."

"I'm an OB, Derek. I do more calming and reassuring to labouring mothers in a week then Kathleen does to anyone in a year."

He laughed. "I'll be sure and tell her you said that."

She narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I might..."

"Well, then, I just may have to tell mom about the vase..."

"Then I'll tell her about the window..."

Nancy pursed her lips for a moment before she changed tactics. "Then I'll tell Meredith about the time at my tenth birthday where we tied you up and gave you a makeover. I'll even show her the pictures."

Derek groaned. "How long were you staying?"

She smiled. "Relax, baby brother. I'm on a flight in a few hours."

"That soon?"

"Hmm, interesting, you almost sound disappointed."

"Almost is right," he said dryly, and then offered his sister a smile. "What are you going to report back to mom and the girls?"

She shrugged. "That you're happy, that you're where you belong."

"Thank-you."

"No problem, baby brother."

"Is there time for this baby brother to take his big sister out to dinner before she gets on a plane?"

000

His car was in the driveway when the taxi dropped him off later that evening, meaning Meredith was home from the hospital. Dinner with his sister had been good, and she had driven herself to the airport in her rental car while he had taken a cab home. Derek was much happier then he had been even a few hours ago.

The door was unlocked, and Derek quietly let himself in, bypassing the kitchen. He was exhausted after his long night and emotional day, and wondered if maybe Meredith was tired as well. Once he reached their room, he confirmed that he was right. She was fast asleep, snoring away.

He couldn't help but pause and stare at her for several moments before getting ready for bed. She was the perfect symbol of his new life. Unexpected. Unpredictable. Absolutely perfect.

The soft snoring, which had driven him crazy in the first weeks of their relationship, had become a trait he more than just tolerated. There were times when he woke in the middle of the night that the faint sounds were enough to remind him of where he was, and comfort back into sleep. The smell of her hair always made him smile. He wished he could bury his nose in her dirty blond strands forever. And the feeling of her body pressed against his in the night was enough to push any bad dreams far from his mind.

Unable to resist the urge to hold her any longer, Derek stripped off his clothes to his boxers and climbed into bed behind her, his arms looping around her waist.

"Mmmggfffmmm," she mumbled, completely incoherent.

"It's just me, go back to sleep."

"It better be you," she muttered, her voice scratchy with sleep. "I don't usually let random men come into my bedroom and spoon me in the middle of the night."

He chuckled and kissed the back of her neck. "Good to know."

She yawned and snuggled closer, removing any excess spaced between her back and his chest. "How was dinner?"

"Good. We talked a lot. Things are much better."

"Good," she murmured. "I didn't want you to move to New York." Her voice was quiet as she was being drawn back to sleep.

"I couldn't go back there," he whispered. "I love you far too much to live without you."

She was quiet for several moments, and Derek had thought she had fallen back to sleep when she spoke again. "I would have gone with you."

"What?"

"To New York. If you went back, I would have gone with you. I can't live without you either."

His heart clenched painfully at her honest words. She was offering him everything he could ever ask for. A life; _her _life. Trust. Love. Forever.

"I'd go anywhere for you," he finally mumbled into the back of her neck. "I'd live anywhere in the world if it meant getting to be with you."

She sighed. "I'm good with Seattle if you are."

"I am."

"Good," she murmured faintly. "I love you."

"I love you too," he whispered as he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent he would never tire of. His sister was right; this was exactly where he belonged.

_**AN: Only took me 44 chapters to get the name of the story into the actual text...**_

_**So I have actually been actively working on this, but Derek was more upset then I expected, and as much as I wanted to make this chapter lighter, I have learned to go with my gut. It took me a lot longer then expected to complete this chapter, but I am happy where it ended. **_

_**Also, I have finally signed up for a LJ account, which I have linked as my homepage. I will try and keep updates there for chapters and stories (and will be posting my fics when I figure out how to...). On that note, for those waiting for it, Here We Are is coming along, no posting date yet, but I will keep you informed on LJ.**_

_**Thanks for reading! Happy Halloween!**_


	45. Camping prt1

_**AN: First of all, a huge sorry to those confused by the double alerts for the last chapter. There have been so many changes in the site recently and I thought that the replace chapter thing was gone, so I thought maybe it had been changes, so I tried to do it by deleting and re-uploading. For some reason I thought if I did it immediately it wouldn't be a big deal... Sorry!**_

_**Second, for those of you who read chapter 44 right after I posted, sorry about the confusion with Columbia. I always thought Columbia was in DC...but OF COURSE that doesn't make sense... Anyway, now we're assuming Mark went to Johns Hopkins for his undergrad and Columbia for med school...**_

Meredith inhaled the steam wafting upwards from the large mug of coffee in her hands and sighed. "Tell me again why you're doing this?"

Derek sent her a playful smirk, his jeans, long sleeved shirt and vest clashing with her robe and slippers. "Because I'm a man."

She snorted. "If that were the case wouldn't you prefer to spend the weekend in bed with your girlfriend, instead of spending it with other men and sleeping on the ground in the cold?"

He left his pack by the front door and approached her, where she sat on the bench by the stairs. "Hmmm," he mumbled as he leaned down to her level, one hand supporting himself on either side of her. "Don't tempt me... I may be forced to stay here."

Meredith giggled. "That's exactly my plan."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Because that wouldn't make me look like less of a man in front of all the other men Preston took it upon himself to invite..."

She giggled again before pressing her lips hard against his. "Stay here and I promise I'll make you feel like a man."

He moaned into her mouth. "Meredith..." He kissed her again, and then pulled away. "Preston is already on his way. George is packed. We're picking up everyone else at Joe's. I can't pull out now."

"Hmmpf," she muttered, playfully crossing her arms across her chest, careful of her coffee mug.

"I'll make it up to you when I get back," he murmured, pressing his lips against her forehead.

"Mmm, I'm going to hold you to that."

"Looking forward to it."

"I bet you are," she whispered, leaning close so that her lips were a hair's breadth from his.

Derek pecked her lips and stood upright. "I'll miss you."

She raised an eyebrow. "You'll be gone for two days, Derek. Is it really _manly_ to admit you'll miss me."

"Maybe not, but I will." He smiled at her. "And I know you won't tell anyone."

"It'll be our little secret," she promised, her voice light and playful, while her heart swelled with emotion. He was opening up to her more and more. He was admitting things he wouldn't have told her a few months ago. He trusted her.

"Thanks," he murmured, kissing her forehead before turning to head back to his pack.

"So," she spoke up eventually. "Tell me why going camping makes you a man?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"It's just like a slumber party," Izzy called as she came down the stairs, dressed in pajama pants and a sweatshirt. "We do it at home. They do it in the woods. That's basically the only difference."

Meredith laughed as Derek made a face.

"We should invite Cristina over tonight," Izzy continued as she plopped herself down beside Meredith on the bench. "We can have our own slumber party."

"Yeah, sure," she responded as she kept her gaze on her boyfriend. He was busy tying his sleeping bag onto his pack with surgical concentration, his fingers working easily to tie the knots. She would miss him too. The realization hit her hard. There had been times where she hadn't seen him for more than a passing moment for a day or two at a time during busy weeks at the hospital, but he had still been _there_. She had still known he was close by. This would be the first time he would be _away_, even if he was just camping two hours away from her.

Meredith had never expected to miss someone; not like this. She had never expected to have someone in her life who was around all the time, who she expected to be around forever, who would miss her if they were separated for a couple days. She hadn't been lying a few days ago when she told him she would move to New York if he chose to go back.

She would go anywhere with him.

A thumping noise from above pulled her from her thoughts, followed by a series of thumps as George dragged his pack down the stairs behind him.

Izzy jumped up to meet him at the bottom of the staircase. "Do you have sunscreen and bug spray? And a shovel to bury your poop?"

George rolled his eyes, even as he allowed Izzy to zip up his vest. "Izzy, I'm not five."

Meredith smirked as Derek met her eyes. "Do you have bug spray and sunscreen and a shovel?" She mimicked.

He rolled his eyes. "It's far too cold out for bugs or sun to be a problem."

"Whatever. Have fun with your shovel while I'm here at home with my fully functioning bathroom."

He made a face, but a knock at the door interrupted him before he could retort.

"Hey, ready to go?" Burke called as he pushed open the front door.

Derek nodded. "I think so." He moved towards his shoes, but paused when Cristina stepped in the doorway behind Burke, dressed similarly to her boyfriend. "Wha-"

"Please don't tell me you two are coming dressed like that when Burke made me where this?" Cristina asked Meredith and Izzy, motioning towards her thick pants, turtleneck and button-up wool shirt.

Meredith glanced towards Izzy and then back to Cristina. "Uh...we're not exactly going..."

"What?" Cristina snapped. She glared at her boyfriend. "Why do I have to go?"

Burke shook his head, glancing towards Derek. "I thought everyone was going."

Derek furrowed his brow. "I thought it was guys only."

"I'm not going if I don't-" Cristina began, only to be cut off.

"I want to go!" Izzy said excitedly. "Mer and I will get packed and be ready in ten minutes tops." She motioned towards Meredith and then ran up the stairs.

"But...I...uh..." Meredith mumbled, suddenly at a loss.

"Great," Burke said, turning to Derek. "Why don't we take O'Malley to pick up the Chief? That way we can meet you at Joe's?"

"Sounds good."

Meredith watched as Burke, Cristina and George shuffled out of the door. "Do I get a choice in this?"

Derek approached her, smiling. "Of course...but I can be very convincing."

She smirked. "You can, can you?"

"Oh, yes, very..." he murmured, leaning down to her level again. His lips brushed against her cheek. "Imagine you and me. And a tent. And having to make our own warmth against the cold at night..."

She forced herself to keep a straight face as a wave of heat washed over her. "With half the hospital around?"

"We can be quiet."

She narrowed her eyes. "Speak for yourself."

He chuckled. "Maybe we'll just have to sneak off by ourselves at some point..."

Meredith smirked. "For a screaming orgasm in the middle of nowhere?"

"Exactly."

"So, I'm going camping..."

He nodded and kissed her. "You are. But you should get changed and packed...because it would be cold like that all weekend..."

She grumbled. "Fine, if you fish my back pack out of the basement."

Derek stood upright and held out a hand to pull her up. "Deal."

She was half-way up the stairs when she paused, leaning over the banister to yell down to Derek. "And grab me a sleeping bag!" He didn't respond, but he was sure to realize she would need one.

Once she reached her room, Meredith quickly pulled on a pair of sweats and tank top, which she covered with a long sleeved tee shirt and a vest. Derek wasn't back, so she began tossing stuff she would need onto the bed. Socks, underwear and bras. A towel. Pants. Shirts. Two sweaters; one of hers and one of Derek's. Toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant. A hat, scarf and mitts...

"Here you go, my dear," Derek drawled as he walked into their room. "Your pack, as requested."

She rolled her eyes at his tone. "Thanks," she said dryly as she took it from him and began stuffing her belongings into it.

"Hey, that's mine," he said as he caught sight of his own sweater being packed.

She paused. "So?"

He chuckled. "So? So, it's mine."

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. "It is yours, and it's warm. You're not going to let me go cold are you?"

"I wouldn't dream of it," he murmured. "I'd just prefer you ask..."

She smiled as she coyly sidled up to him. "Derek, _dear_, could I borrow you sweater?" She made a show of batting her eyes.

He laughed and pecked her lips. "That's better."

She rolled her eyes again. "Do I need other camping things? Like a canteen and a compass and a pocket knife? I don't have any of those. I do have a flashlight downstairs on the laundry room..."

"I have everything we need," he assured. "You can use mine."

"But what if I want my own?"

Derek laughed at her tone. "Then tough."

"That's not nice; no screaming orgasms for you."

He quickly pecked her lips. "I take it back."

Meredith giggled. "I'm sure you do."

"I'm going to go down and start to load the car before I say something else I'll regret."

"Okay. I should be ready soon." She quickly finished packing her clothes and toiletries, and followed them up by shoving a pair of boots, a pillow and extra blanket on top, wanting to be prepared for the cold. She had never been camping before, and knowing the time of year, was expecting it to be a cold experience.

"You ready to go?" Izzy asked expectantly from the door.

Meredith nodded before turning towards her roommate. "I am- How much stuff are you bringing?" Izzy had a knapsack on her back and was carrying two small duffel bags and a sleeping bag.

"No more than you," she retorted. "I just don't have a fancy backpack like you. I've never been camping before."

"Me either."

"Then what's with the pack?"

Meredith shrugged. "I went to Europe after college."

"Really?" Izzy's eyes lit up. "I want to go to Europe one day. Was it awesome?"

"For a while. Then I got the call that my mom was sick."

"Oh..." The blond was at a loss of what to say.

"Anyway," Meredith continued. "I never got rid of the pack, but I only have the one. I do have a suitcase you could borrow..."

Izzy shook her head. "I have a suit case, Meredith, but I'm not going camping with a freaking suitcase. Seriously, I don't want to look like an idiot."

Meredith laughed. "Okay then. Let's go." She picked up her pack and purse, and followed Izzy down the stairs, right in time to meet Derek coming back inside.

"You girls ready to go?"

They both nodded as they moved to put on their shoes.

Derek pulled Meredith's coat out of the closet and passed it to her, hooking his fingers around her elbow in the process.

Meredith paused at his sudden closeness. "What?"

He smiled and kissed her. "This is our first trip together."

She snorted. "Oh, how romantic," she said sarcastically.

"Well, it's no tropical vacation," he retorted, "But it's a start."

Meredith smiled at the reference towards their plans. She had two weeks off after her intern exam, and they planned to go away, and to go to New York; they just hadn't decided on the when and where.

"Mmm, definitely a good start."

"It's a great start," he agreed. "You got everything?"

She nodded. "I think so. Did you pack a sleeping bag?"

"Of course." He gave her an odd look.

"Great, then let's go."

000

After two hours of driving, two stops – one for food and one for supplies – and one wrong turn, they finally reached their destination. Derek had been smiling since they had gotten off the highway. His demeanour had changed since they had left, becoming lighter and more upbeat the closer they had gotten.

He was excited, and his mood was rubbing off on Meredith. She had found herself smiling from her spot in the passenger seat, often ignoring the fact that Izzy and Alex were in the backseat and reaching her hand across the center consol to rest on Derek's thigh. Camping was about to be one of the many things she would do for the first time with Derek.

They all stepped out of the car and stretched before heading for the very full back hatch of Derek's SUV. Alex, not missing an opportunity, made a remark about the number of bags Izzy had brought, shouldered his own pack and picked up a cooler.

Meredith laughed as Izzy tried to retort, and ended up carrying her roommate's sleeping bag.

"Thanks, Mer," Izzy mumbled.

"No problem," Meredith responded before turning to Derek. "You good with the rest?"

"Hmm," he murmured as he attached a second drawstring bag to his pack, which looked similar to the sleeping bag already on it. Meredith could only assume it was her sleeping bag. "If you could carry my tackle box, I can get the rest."

"I think I can handle that."

He kissed her before picking up a bag of food they had picked up on the way and his fishing rod. "Thank-you."

She smiled and silently followed him over to where the other two car loads of people were unloading their cars. Cristina, true to her California upbringing, had packed on the heavy side. So had Burke. And the Chief. George seemed experienced and in his element, along with Joe and Walter.

The walk to their camping site took about twenty minutes, and upon arrival it was decided they should take advantage of the nice weather and set up camp later. And since they had all eaten on the way, fishing was decided on as the first activity.

Meredith yawned as she leaned back against the tree behind her, her eyes on the 'manly fishermen' by the stream – who had yet to catch a single fish. "I'm tired," she complained to Cristina and Izzy. "I was going to go back to bed after Derek left. I had the day off and I was going to sleep."

"I was going to go to work," Cristina retorted. "Do you have any idea how important it is that we spend as much time as possible at the hospital now?"

"You've been saying that since our first week," Meredith reminded.

Cristina glared at her. "Our exam is in a little more than two months. Did you two even bring a textbook?"

"You brought a textbook?" Izzy asked. "Camping?"

"Of course. Two, actually."

"No offence, Cris, but you're a little obsessed."

Cristina glared at her best friend again. "You won't be saying that when I beat you."

"Whatever," Meredith muttered before changing the subject. "So, is this camping? Because so far it doesn't seem all that different..."

Cristina made a face. "You spend a lot of your time sitting on the ground watching McDreamy fish?" She asked sarcastically.

"Well...yeah," Meredith responded. "He fishes a lot when we go out to the trailer. I tend to find it boring so more often that not I sit and watch instead of actively fish."

Izzy glanced at her. "You actually know how to fish?"

Meredith shrugged. "Yeah. Derek taught me. It's easy; just boring."

"And watching someone fish isn't boring?" Cristina cut in.

"Most people, yeah. But not Derek. I like watching him fish. It's cute, how much he concentrates."

Her best friend made a strangled noise. "Seriously, Meredith, what the hell did McDreamy do to you?"

"Hey, no mocking," Meredith chastised. "I'm in love and I'm happy. Leave me alone."

Cristina grumbled but said nothing.

"I think it's sweet," Izzy spoke up.

"Thanks."

"But I seriously don't believe you actually know how to fish."

Meredith rolled her eyes as Izzy and Cristina laughed at her. They may be baiting her on purpose, but she didn't care. She jumped to her feet and strode across the rocky shore to Derek.

"Hey!" Derek exclaimed as she reached for his fishing pole and tried to pull it from his grasp. "What are you doing?"

"I have to prove to Izzy and Cristina that I know how to fish."

"O-kay," he spoke quietly, relinquishing his grip. "Fish away."

She pecked his lips. "Thank-you."

He stayed silent as she reeled in and cast several times, displaying her talents to her friends. With one final, long cast, she sighed and sent him a smile. "How'd I do?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Well, you didn't catch any fish, but you look cute."

She rolled her eyes, even as she realized she had used the same term to describe him.

Derek chuckled and stepped in behind her, his arms snaking around her waist. "I'm glad you came."

"Hmm, me too," she murmured, leaning back against his strong chest as she slowly reeled in the fishing line. "This is nice."

He stretched his neck to rest his chin on her shoulder as they stared out at the water together. "It is."

"I'm happy," she murmured, knowing he would know she meant that more than just now.

"Me too," he murmured, and she knew he meant the same.

"I've never been camping before."

He chuckled. "It's something we can add to and check off the list."

She giggled. "Along with fishing, because technically I had never fished before you taught me."

"Consider it added and checked off," he responded as his hands found hers and they cast off again together.

"When was the last time you went camping?" She questioned. He had told her his father had taken him camping a lot as a child, but she wondered suddenly if he had been since.

"Probably some time in college," he responded. "Mark and Weiss and I went a few times."

"Never Addison?"

He snorted. "Definitely not. Addison's idea of roughing it is staying at a two star hotel."

Meredith giggled. "I guess she wouldn't have taken a liking to the trailer..."

"Nope, though I can't imagine many women would have." He kissed the side of her head. "You're definitely one of a kind."

"In a good way?"

"In a perfect way," he said immediately. "I love you so much."

She smiled. "I love you too."

Silence fell between them as they continued to fish together, casting off several times.

"So," Meredith finally spoke up. "What else does one do while one is camping?"

"Hike. Roast marshmallows and make s'mores. Make campfires and tell ghost stories. Drink."

"Hmm, and here I always thought there was more to it. My only real problem is the whole lack of functioning bathroom thing."

He chuckled. "You mean the peeing in the woods and washing off in the water thing?"

"Exactly." She felt a chill wash over her as she stared out at the slow flowing water. "It looks cold."

"We can wash off if we need to tomorrow in the early afternoon, when it's warmest," he explained, and then pressed his lips against the tender skin behind her ear. "Or we could get up early and go skinny-dipping just the two of us and keep each other warm."

She giggled. "We would so get caught."

"Not necessarily."

"Yes, necessarily," she retorted. "We would get caught, and then everyone at work would find out, and I'd never live it down."

"Hmmpf."

"You can take me skinny-dipping at the trailer when it's warmer," she promised.

"I'll hold you to that."

She laughed. "I'm sure you will."

000

It was almost dusk when they finally set about putting up tents.

Meredith mostly watched – only helping when specifically instructed – as Derek easily put together their tent. It amazed her how he seemed to know exactly where and when to use every piece, small and large.

"All done," he finally announced, motioning towards the fully erect tent. "After you," he drawled, motioning for her to enter first.

She rolled her eyes and shoved her pack into the tent before crawling in, Derek close on her heels. "Can you toss my sleeping bag in before you come in?" She called behind her.

He stuck his head into the tent. "I thought it was in your pack."

She furrowed her brow. "No, you tied it to yours."

Derek slowly shook his head. "No, that was mine."

"But there were two on your pack."

"Only mine," he repeated. "And the tent."

Meredith blinked. "Then...where's my sleeping bag?"

He slowly shook his head. "That depends on where you put it."

"Where I put it? You were supposed to get it from the basement."

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were," she insisted. "I called down to you. And then I asked you if you'd put it in the car before we left."

"I thought you meant mine."

"Why would I ask about yours?"

"...Because you love me?" He finally supplied.

She paused. "So...I don't have a sleeping bag?"

A chuckle escaped his lips and she glared at him.

"Shut up."

He started laughing in full. "I'm sorry, Mer. I'm sorry, but it's...it's kind of funny."

She glared at him again. "This is so your fault."

Derek rolled his eyes. "It so is not."

"Yes, it is," she insisted, trying to bite back her own smile. "I was going to spend the day at home in my PJs, catching up on sleep. And somehow I end up in the middle of freaking nowhere without a freaking sleeping bag. And now we have to hike all the way back to the freaking car to drive back to the freaking camping supply store to get a freaking sleeping bag."

Derek finally crawled all the way into the tent. "I hate to break it to you, Mer, but the store's closed by now. We wouldn't be able to get to a store before it closed without driving a long way."

"So, what you're saying is that I don't have anywhere to sleep?"

He smiled his infamous McDreamy smile. "Of course you do. I'd never let you go cold; you know that." He crawled close and kissed her. "You can have my sleeping bag."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not about to let you go cold."

"You take the sleeping bag," he insisted. "And I'll use the blanket you packed. It'll be fine tonight."

"But-"

"No buts," he said, cutting her off. "You're too tiny, Mer, you'd freeze. I'm putting down my foot."

She sighed, knowing he wasn't about to give up. "Okay," she finally conceded. "Thank-you."

He beamed and kissed her again. "You're very welcome."

Meredith cocked her head. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"I think we discussed something about screaming orgasms earlier..." He said with a smirk.

She giggled as she leaned close, her lips millimetres from his. "Yes, I do remember that. I also seem to remember you being mean to me earlier when we were discussing that."

"Oh, that's right," he said suddenly, surprising her when he pulled away to dig into the top of his bag. "I have something for you."

"You...what?"

He turned back to her with a smile on his face and a small bag in his hands. "I got you a present."

"But...why?" She stammered.

He raised an eyebrow. "Why? Because I love you."

"But...I don't need anything..."

With a tender smile, Derek ran his fingers along her cheek to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear. "But you do," he insisted. "You deserve the world, Meredith. I love you so freaking much. And you're going to get used to being treated like you deserve."

She swallowed hard. "But I don't want you to think I expect things like this."

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "I don't."

"Derek..."

"I promise I don't. But I do love you, Meredith. And I _want_ to do these things for you." He pressed the small bag against her hands.

She sighed and pecked his lips before accepting the gift. The bag turned out to be a mini camping pack, made of greenish material with two straps connected to small buckles. "What is it?"

He smiled. "Open it."

Despite her insecurities she found herself smiling back as she worked to unlatch the top of the bag, suddenly excited for what was in it.

"You said you wanted your own," he murmured as she stared into the bag.

"I..." She stammered, slowly pulling out her new camping gear. A compass. And pocket knife. And carabineer. A small canteen. A flashlight and extra batteries. A package of waterproof matches. Flint. "Derek..." She giggled despite the fact that her eyes were filling with tears. "Thank-you."

He smiled back at her. "Do you take back your comment now?"

"What comment?"

He cocked his head. "About no screaming orgasms because I was being mean to you?"

She laughed out loud. "Ah, I get it now. You had ulterior motives for buying me a present."

"You found me out."

She laughed again and pressed her lips hard against his. "Tomorrow," she promised. "I'm not hiking into the woods in the dark to be eaten by a bear or something."

He laughed back and kissed her. "Deal."

_**AN: I debated about adding the camping trip, but in the end I loved the idea of seeing them all out in the woods, completely out of their normal environments. I don't plan on spending too much time writing it (hopefully only the next chapter), and as always if there is anything you want to see them do, or something you want to see happen, let me know and I'll try my best to fit it in.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	46. Camping prt2

Meredith giggled as Alex's fourth marshmallow went up in flames; following in the footsteps of his first three. It appeared her fellow intern didn't have the same patience for toasting marshmallows over campfires as he did for surgery.

"Shit," Alex swore, followed by a series of other obscenities as he struggled to get the flame out.

"Karerv, we're camping," Richard spoke up. "Try and relax."

Derek's arm tightened around her waist as he leaned down to whisper, "I wonder if he realizes he's not in charge out here?"

Meredith shrugged. "I doubt it." They had already watched the older surgeon try to design their camp site, try to decide when they would do things, and try to make plans for the following day. Joe and Walter had no qualms with ignoring his orders. And Derek and Preston were quite happy deciding against their boss in this environment. This left Richard with only one subset of individuals he could attempt to control; the interns. George and Alex had been arguing all day, drawing the most amount of attention from the man who was their boss at work.

He sighed, his voice still so quiet only she could hear when he spoke again. "I'm tempted to tell him off for them."

She turned towards him and gently shook her head. "But you won't," she murmured. "He's not being that bad."

Derek grumbled something inaudible and leaned into her, pressing his lips against her temple.

Meredith smiled and leaned into his warmth, knowing he was doing his best with Richard. Ever since Meredith's revelations regarding her Chief of Surgery and his relationship with her mother, and her subsequent confrontation with the man, Richard had remained at a professional distance with her. Her anger had died down, leaving only a lingering sense of disdain for the man. Derek, however, was still carrying more of a grudge. He had unfairly been treated differently then Burke for months, had missed a chance to prove his skills as Chief, and had the stories of her childhood in his mind. He was behaving himself, but the anger was still their, and it certainly didn't help that Richard had hired his ex-best friend so recently.

"Burke invited him," Meredith reminded. "He didn't demand to come along."

"Yeah, well, he's made an ass of himself."

She giggled. It _had_ been entertaining watching Richard drag his upright suitcase across the bumpy ground. And eat out of his picnic basket. And have his face go white when Derek explained why his picnic basket needed to be hung from a tree overnight instead of staying in the tent with him; that had been especially entertaining.

"You having fun?" He whispered into her ear, moving on to a better topic.

"Mmm, I am," she assured, leaning into his shoulder and sighing at his warmth. "Camping is fun. And s'mores are awesome."

He chuckled. "I still can't believe you'd never had a s'more before."

She giggled. "When would I ever have had one? My mother could barely be convinced to buy birthday cake let alone junk food you needed to combine to make something out of."

He clicked his tongue. "You never had a birthday cake?"

"I had one a few times. Always one of those ready made ones at the grocery store, but still; it was something."

His arm snaked tightly around her. "I'm sorry."

She rested her head against his shoulder and sighed. "It's okay. Things like this are making up for it. She just...didn't get it. It kind of makes me wonder if she ever experienced this stuff herself."

"Do you think she did?"

Meredith sighed as she closed her eyes for a moment, revelling in the light still hitting her eye lids from the fire, the warmth from the man next to her, and the friendly conversation happening around the campfire. "I hope so," she finally whispered, opening her eyes. "I hope she got to experience something like this. Because I can't imagine not being here right now."

000

"Remind me not to drink anything tomorrow," Meredith muttered as she crawled into the tent.

Derek shone his flashlight in her direction in order to see her in the dark. "Why?"

She glared at him. "Because peeing in the woods in the dark is so not something I want to experience ever again."

He laughed. "That's camping for you."

Meredith huffed as she zipped the tent up behind her and crawled towards her backpack for her flannel pajama bottoms. "It's freezing," she stated.

"Hmm," he murmured, reaching towards her. "I'll warm you up."

She giggled as he pulled her to his chest, his lips finding the crook of her neck. "Derek, we can't. You know we can't. Everyone would hear."

"No they wouldn't," he mumbled against her skin. "The tent is soundproof."

"Nice try."

He sighed and lifted his head to meet her eyes. The flashlight he had dropped to the tent floor gave her just enough light to make out the outline of his face. "I love you."

She smiled and kissed him. "I love you too, Derek, but I won't be having sex knowing that two of my bosses can hear me."

"I'm your boss too," he reminded. "And I happen to like hearing you moan."

She smacked him, glad that he couldn't see the sudden redness in her cheeks through the darkness.

"Ouch," he muttered. "What was that for."

She ignored him as she quickly pulled of her pants and replaced them with flannel pajama bottoms, shivering as the cold air hit her skin. "It's freezing."

"You already said that."

"Well, I mean it enough to say it twice." She turned to see him settling himself down on the floor, her blanket wrapped tightly around him. "Are you sure you're going to be warm enough?"

"I'll be fine, Mer."

"But that's not a super warm blanket. And it's freezing."

"Meredith-"

"And it is your sleeping bag," she continued. "And I don't like the idea of you being cold when you brought a perfectly warm sleeping bag."

"I don't like it either, but I like it better than knowing you're cold."

She sighed. "Derek-"

"Meredith," he said with a groan. "We already discussed this and you agreed."

"Yeah, well, now I'm unagreeing."

"You can't just unagree with something."

"Watch me."

A chuckled escaped his lips that he tried to pass of as a sigh. "I'm not going to let you be cold."

"I'm not going to let _you_ be cold," she echoed.

"Then what exactly do you have in mind?"

"We could share the sleeping bag," she suggested. "It should be big enough. And it would be so much warmer with both of us."

Even though she couldn't make out his expression through the dark, she knew he was smirking. "You just want an excuse to be pressed up against me all night."

"You figured me out," she said dryly, rolling her eyes.

There was a pause. "Are you sure?"

She nodded. "Yeah. We can share; it'll be cozy."

"Hmm, okay," he agreed, and though she wouldn't call him on it, she could hear the relief in his tone. It really was cold.

Meredith pulled off her outer layer – his sweatshirt – as Derek settled himself on his side in the sleeping bag and held up the top for her to slip in beside him.

She carefully crawled over to him, turned off the flashlight beside the sleeping bag, and slid into the space beside him. "See, lots of room," she murmured. "Okay, maybe not _lots_ of room, but enough."

"Very cozy," he agreed.

Meredith nodded as she reached for the zipper, but was unsuccessful. "I can't..." She trailed off and huffed as her hand continued to come up short.

"You can't what?"

"The zipper," she mumbled as she twisted forward, reaching blindly in the dark.

"Here," he responded, following her movements as he reached his longer arms from behind her, but also came up short.

"Where's the freaking thing," she muttered, turning her head in his direction, only to feel the back of her skull collide with something hard.

Derek made a muffled 'ompf' sound as he pulled back as far as he could from her in their combine space.

"Oh my God," Meredith stammered, struggling to turn towards him. "Are you okay?"

He groaned. "I think you broke my cheek."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, reaching out for him in the dark, only to inadvertently poke him in the face.

With a surprised yelp he jerked away from her touch, and she found her hand captured in his. "I get it," he finally stated dryly. "This whole sharing of the sleeping bag thing wasn't a romantic proposition. Telling me it would be cozy and warm was just a cover. You wanted to get me in here so you could get me back for making you come with us."

She giggled as she turned fully towards him and very cautiously ran her free hand up his body to cup his cheek. "You got me," she said sarcastically.

"I knew it," he responded, and she could feel him smiling.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, serious even though she was still trying to stop laughing.

"Mmm," he murmured. "You're worth it."

Meredith laughed out loud and used her hand on his cheek to guide herself towards his lips. "I love you," she told him before pressing her lips against his.

"I love you too," he breathed when she pulled away.

"Enough to let me share your sleeping bag and put up with my clumsiness when I inadvertently beat the crap out of you in the middle of the night?"

He laughed at her words. "More than enough."

She smiled. "Good. Now, where did I get you?" She asked as she ran her hand over his cheek.

Derek flinched at her movement, but didn't pull away – not that he could in their close quarters. "Right there," he told her as he stilled her hand high on his cheek bone.

Again, she used her hand to guide herself close, and she pressed her lips against his cheek. "Is that better?"

A breathy chuckle escaped his lips. "Much."

She kissed him again. "Good."

"Hmm, very good," he murmured, guiding her lips to his.

"Derek...we can't," she managed to mumbled between kisses.

"But I'm wounded," was his response.

"We still can't," she replied, breathing hard as she finally managed to fully extract her lips from his.

"You're supposed to give me sex when I'm wounded."

Meredith laughed. "I am, huh?"

"Mmm-hmm, it's a rule."

She snorted. "It so isn't."

"Yeah, well, it should be."

"Tomorrow," she promised.

He grumbled, but didn't argue.

She kissed him one last time before carefully turned over and reaching again for the still-undone zipper.

"I'm staying far away from you this time."

She laughed at his words as she reached down to her feet, her fingers finally grasping the small piece of metal that had caused so many problems. "Got it," she mumbled as she zipped up the sleeping bag. When the zipped was about a foot from the top, she paused and reached for the blanket that Derek had left beside the sleeping bag when he had gotten in it.

Keeping careful track of her elbows – so that she didn't inadvertently cause more harm to her very patient boyfriend – she draped the blanket over them for extra warmth. "You good?" She questioned.

"Mmm," he murmured, wrapping his arm over her waist and pulling her back snug against his chest. "I'm perfect."

Smiling to herself, Meredith closed the sleeping bag the rest of the way and lay her head down on the pillow. There wasn't much space left in the sleeping bag, but she was certainly warm and cozy. And it felt like Derek was everywhere around her in the dark, his legs entwined with hers, his chest pressed up against her back, his arms around her, and the warm air being expelled from his lungs with every breath hitting the back of her neck.

"Derek?"

"Hmm?"

She sighed contentedly. "If this is what camping involves, I could definitely get used to this."

His arm closed tightly around her for a moment in a makeshift hug. "Good to know."

"Good night."

"'night."

000

Bundled up in all of the warm clothing she had with her, Meredith sat beside Derek by the small fire, watching as he expertly cooked his morning catch in the small frying pan he had brought with him. They had been the first up that morning, and Derek had suggested an early morning fishing expedition.

Apparently dawn and dusk were prime fishing times.

Meredith had swiped George's fishing pole and had followed Derek to the water. And regardless of what he said, she had caught just as many fish as he had.

Even with his mocking, she was enjoying herself. It was nice to do something new with Derek, something that took them away from the hospital, even if half the hospital came with them. The temperature had dropped dramatically overnight, and yet she had woken up warm that morning, wrapped protectively in his arms.

"Here you go," Derek called softly, breaking her from her revere.

She glanced up to see him holding out a small plate.

"Mmm," she said sarcastically. "Trout sandwich for breakfast; my favourite."

Derek rolled his eyes in good nature. "No one said you had to eat it."

She laughed and motioned for him to lean closer. He did, and when he was close enough, she hooked her free hand into the collar of his jacket and pulled him to her, kissing him hard. "Thanks," she murmured between kisses.

An unhappy groan interrupted them, and they broke apart to see Alex staggering towards them. "That is so not what I need to see after the night I had."

"Good morning to you too," Meredith said dryly.

Derek chuckled and turned back to his frying pan.

Alex groaned again and collapsed onto the free chair beside her, his face in his hands.

"What's wrong?"

"It's freaking cold is what's wrong," Alex responded.

"So?"

"So?" He repeated. "So, the Chief, apparently, likes to huddle for warmth."

Meredith laughed out loud before she could help it. The Chief, Alex, George and Izzy were the four 'unattached' people on the camping trip, and had needed to divide themselves into pairs to use the two extra tents. Izzy had quickly claimed George as her partner, leaving Alex with the Chief.

"Shut up, Grey."

Try as she might, Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "I'm sorry, Alex, I'm sorry," she said breathlessly. "It's just..." she broke off into a torrent of giggles. "I can just picture you and the Chief huddling for warmth together..."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Just the Chief," he corrected. "The huddling was one sided," he said, a shudder running through his body.

Even Derek laughed out loud at his comment. "That sucks, man," he commiserated. "Here," he said, offering a plate of trout as he had to Meredith.

"I...thanks," Alex said, appreciatively taking the breakfast offering. "How long have you two been up?"

Meredith shrugged as she bit into her trout sandwich. "Long enough to _each_ catch a bunch of fish." She smirked as she watched Derek shake his head, but refrain from saying anything.

The smell of cooking trout began to spread through the campsite, and people started getting up and trickling towards the campfire for their breakfast. The Chief offered a pleasant 'good morning' to his reluctant tent mate, and complained about the lack of condiments to go along with the fish. George trudged out of his tent, dressed and ready for anther day of camping, with stories and knowledge about cooking fish over a fire. Alex rolled his eyes and shot back a few comments before Izzy emerged from the tent and shut them both up. Cristina and Burke complained about the temperature, but took the trout happily. And Joe and Walter were as annoyingly cheerful as they had been the day before.

The sun rose quickly as the campers ate their breakfasts, and it was soon decided that fishing was on the schedule again for after their meal. Evidently if Meredith and Derek could catch this many fish in such a short amount of time, everyone could do it.

"You coming?" Cristina called as she and Izzy prepared to head down to the river.

Meredith pursed her lips and glanced towards Derek, who had his back turned to her as she cleaned up after breakfast. She glanced back at her best friend and shook her head. "I'm all fished out for this morning. And Derek and I talked about going for a hike..."

"Have fun," Izzy called cheerfully. "Take a compass so you don't get lost."

Cristina rolled her eyes and shot Meredith a look that told her she knew exactly what Meredith was planning.

With Izzy and Cristina gone, it left only her and Derek in the campsite, and Meredith quietly approached her boyfriend, surprising him when she wrapped her arms around him from behind. "Hi," she spoke into his back.

He closed his hand around hers. "Hi."

"It's getting warmer out."

"Mmm," he agreed. "And brighter. Not a great time to fish, but we can head down and join everyone else."

She pressed her face into his back and inhaled deeply. "I told them we were going for a hike."

He carefully unlatched her hands and turned to face her. "You want to go for a hike?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No. I want them to think we're going for a hike."

He furrowed his brow. "I don't..." He trailed off as a look of understanding washed over his face. "Oh, I get it. You just needed an excuse for us to get away for a while..."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Exactly."

He smirked and stepped close to her, his hands finding her hips. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Well, I believe I owe someone a screaming orgasm in the woods..."

"I like the sound of that."

She giggled and pressed her lips against his. "Me too."

"Then what are we waiting for?"

Meredith giggled again. "I don't know."

He pecked her lips and threaded his fingers through hers. "Then let's go for a _hike_."

000

Meredith giggled as Derek trudged through the path in the woods like he was on a mission. Her fingers were wrapped tightly in his as she followed along beside him, laughing at his behaviour. Every few yards he would glance towards her with a knowing smile before turning back to the pathway in front of him.

Twice he had almost tripped on rocks, and once he had just about walked into a tree.

To say he was distracted would be an understatement.

"You will be able to get us back to the campsite, right?" She asked, the air around her not quite cool enough so that she could see her own breath. "Because I brought that compass you gave me, but I'm just realizing now that it's kind of useless if I don't know which way is back...which I don't...so, it's kind of up to you..."

He came to a stop and before she knew it she was wrapped in his arms, her back up against a tree. "I'll get us back," he reassured her, his lips hovering just over hers.

Her chest hitched in anticipation as she breathed. In. Out. In. Out.

"Do you think we're far enough away so that they won't hear us now?" She whispered when she found she could speak again. The standing thing, though, was starting to get difficult. Her knees were weakening by the moment, and she clutched to Derek's jacket in case they gave out on her completely.

"Mmm," he murmured, placing feather light kisses along her mouth, nose and cheeks. "I think that I'm not all that worried right now..."

Meredith giggled, and his lips immediately came down on hers to absorb the noise. "Derek..."

He kissed her again for a long moment.

"Derek," she repeated. "We need to be sure. I can't go back if they know what we're doing..."

He chuckled. "Mer, I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure they have a good idea..."

"But they don't need to know for sure."

With a deep breath, he pulled himself away from her. "Let's go a little further."

Meredith threaded her fingers through his. "Thank-you."

He offered her a warm smile. "It's only for you that I would do this."

She raised an eyebrow. "It better be only for me that you would do this..."

He laughed aloud. "So not what I meant..."

They continued in silence for several minutes, following the narrow, winding path. It eventually declined, and they followed it down a hill, only to be met with a beautiful sight.

A small lake appeared in front of them, its colour a deep blue and its surface shimmering in the light of the sun. Trees and light forest encircled all but a short stretch of rocky beach.

"Wow," Meredith murmured as she paused to take in the sight. "Look at that."

Derek's arms wrapped around her from behind and his chin came to rest on her shoulder. "Yeah," he breathed as an appreciative sigh escaped his lips.

She leaned back in his arms. "I think this is far enough," she stated.

He chuckled, his breath warm by her ear, creating goose bumps across her body. His arms closed tighter around her middle, pulling her flush against him; allowing her to feel his growing arousal. "Definitely far enough," he agreed.

Clutching onto his hands, Meredith closed her eyes and leaned back against his chest for a long moment, enjoying the knowledge that she had made at least one good decision in her life. Derek.

Then she took a breath and turned in his arms, her head cocked to the side as she ground her pelvis against his. "So."

He smirked and echoed her words. "So."

"How did you want to do this?"

"Hmm," he murmured, his hands finding her hips as his lips found her neck. "I could bring up the notion of skinny dipping again. No one would catch us out here."

A shiver ran through her body. "It's cold."

"I'd keep you warm."

"I don't know how to swim."

He pecked her lips. "I'll take care of you. I promise. We can even have our first official swimming lesson."

She believed him. "It's cold," she repeated.

He nodded. "You already said that."

"I just wanted to make sure it was out there," she told him. "Because it's cold, Derek. It's really cold out, and I'm going to bet it's colder in the water. And I'm all for the screaming orgasms in the middle of the woods, but I want for us to actually be able to... I just want to make sure it's not so cold that you can't...you know." She bit her lower lip and then laughed at the look he was giving her. "This is not a comment on your manliness or whatever," she quickly reassured, though she was still laughing.

"Good," he replied dryly, which only served to make her laugh even harder.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she repeated, pressing her face against his chest and willing for the laughter to go away. "I'm just saying that I'm up for it if you're..._up_ for it. But that we can always skip the skinny dipping idea for now and add it to the list for later."

"I'm starting to think you're not happy with a PG list. First the ferry boat, and now skinny dipping..."

Meredith laughed and swatted at his chest. "Shut up."

He pressed his lips against hers before pulling away completely to head down to the water. "Let me test the temperature before this discussion goes any further."

She crossed her arms over her lower torso as she watched him carefully step to the edge of the water. His fingers brushed against the surface of the water... And his expression said it all. Meredith smirked. "Starting to think that I may have a point?"

He made a face as he met her eyes. "I could still...if I wanted to... I just want you to be comfortable."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No way, Derek. I'm so not taking the blame for this. Admit I'm right, or we can go back to the campsite now."

"But-"

"Not buts, Derek. You can either admit I'm right, or you can get in the frigid water and prove me wrong."

He pursed his lips and strode towards her stopping only a foot away, but not reaching to touch her. "You're very bossy, you know."

"And you're avoiding the subject."

"I love you."

Laughter bubbled up inside of her, but she refused to give him the satisfaction. "Derek..."

He sighed and stepped forward, his hands finding her hips once again as he leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Fine. You were right about the water," he admitted.

She smiled. "There; was that so hard?"

He growled and captured her lips with his.

"How are we going to do this?" Meredith finally managed to asked when he came up for air. "We should have brought a blanket or something..."

"We'll make due," he assured, quickly shrugging of his coat and laying it on the ground beside them.

Meredith copied his move, dropping her jacket below his so that she would have something to lie on. Derek's hands immediately took advantage of that face that there was one fewer piece of clothing separating them from her.

She moaned as his hands wandered lower, and yelped as they found their way under her closest layer of clothing. "Cold," she mumbled.

He chuckled. "Sorry."

"'s okay," she murmured. And it really was. His hands were warming quickly as they snaked their way up her torso to her breasts. And his lips were focussing their attention on the crook of her neck and her shoulder; a place he knew to be super sensitive. She was almost ready.

Cupping his face with her hands, she pulled his lips from her neck and returned them to her own, kissing him deeply. He groaned into her mouth as her fingers reached for the top button of his pants. It only took seconds for him to spring free.

"I love you," he mumbled into her mouth before carefully laying her down on the jackets.

"I love you too," she responded, breathless as she struggled to undo her own pants with as much ease as she had his.

His hands quickly replaced hers, and she shifted her weight onto her back for a moment to help him pull her pants down past her knees. The cool air was a shock as it blasted into her previously warm legs, but was quickly dispersed when Derek lay his weight down on top of her.

He was always so good at keeping her warm.

"I don't think we need to get another sleeping bag," she said suddenly.

"What?" He asked, hovering over her.

"We were going to go into town...for another sleeping bag...but I don't want one...I like yours, with you... I liked sharing. It was warm..."

He ducked his head to kiss her hard on the mouth. "No complaints here."

She moaned into his mouth, and moved her hands to his lower back, pulling him down to her so she could lose herself in his warmth.

And in the end, they did wind up spooned tightly together that night, but it was in their own bed, and not in a sleeping bag on the ground. After they crossed off screaming orgasms on their list (twice), they got back to camp just in time to watch George and Alex engage in what could only be described as a slap fight. However, no winner was called because their fight inadvertently involved – and injured – another camper. And by the time Walter's forehead was stitched up – courtesy of Burke – and the reason behind Alex and George's fight – courtesy of Cristina – was out, no one was in the mood for camping anymore.

Derek was astonished that Mark related negativity could follow him outside of Seattle into the middle of the woods. George was upset, rightfully so, about the news that his girlfriend had slept with Mark Sloan. Alex was overly defensive. Burke was moody, for some unbeknownst reason. Cristina was hyperaware of everything – more so than usual. The Chief had already spent one night too many on the cold ground. Walter, obviously, didn't feel like camping any longer with a gash across his forehead, and Joe wanted to take him home. Izzy was sympathetic towards George, and angry that Alex would stoop that low. And Meredith...

Meredith was sorry to see it end so suddenly, but couldn't have imagined a better experience for her first camping expedition. She had spent more than twenty-four hours by Derek's side, swathed in his sweatshirt most of the time, watching him in his (non-surgical) element. Despite the temperature and the hard ground, she had slept as well as could be expected in his arms the night before, and the sex in the woods had been pretty amazing too. All in all, she was probably the only one to leave in a good mood. Camping was definitely something she would do again, although maybe with only her and Derek the next time.

Silence had reigned for most of the drive home. Izzy and George had slept for most of the drive, and Derek had been...off.

"You know he'll never touch me," she had murmured to him when she had assured herself that their roommates were fast asleep in the backseat.

"I know," he had responded honestly. "It just gets to me that..."

"That what?"

He had sighed and glanced away from the road for a moment to meet her eyes. "That he doesn't care. What he did to me, with Addy... I'm not the only man he's done it to."

She had nodded and reached across the center consul to rest her hand on his thigh. "You're a good man, Derek. A really good man, with really good morals or whatever. But there aren't that many like you. Too many are like Mark. Too many don't care."

His hand had landed on hers. "I can't imagine."

"That's what makes you _you_, Derek."

The answer had appeased him, as his mood had lifted, and now, laying in bed with her warm boyfriend behind her, Meredith realized just how true her words were.

"I'm so glad that you're _you,_" she murmured into the dark, knowing he was fast asleep behind her, but needing to say it anyway. "So glad."

* * *

_**AN: Yay for breaking 200k words! I had originally planned to go further into the camping trip, but I'm going with my gut and end it here instead. The slap fight was funny, but this fic is about Meredith and Derek, and so I need to focus on them if I'm ever going to make it any further... I know a lot of you are getting impatient about the drowning episodes, and so am I. We only have a few things left to get through before we get there, though, so stay turned. **_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	47. Chapter 47

_**AN: I just wanted to bring attention to a new fic that I stumbled across that doesn't seem to be getting much attention. It's called 'The Cure for Pain,' by MissingMcDreamy (It's in my favourites if you're looking for it). It was just posted a few days ago, and at least three chapters are posted a day. It's post S4, well written and dives into Derek's insecurities. Check it out!**_

_**

* * *

**_

Meredith sighed contentedly as she leaned back against Derek's strong chest, her hands playfully running through the mound of bubbles before her. "This was a good idea," she murmured.

Derek chuckled, his lips finding her neck as his arms snaked around her waist. "Mmm," he agreed.

She giggled. "I still think we went overboard with the bubbles."

He nuzzled the back of her head as he moved his lips to the other side of her neck. "Too many?"

"It just seems like a lot."

"I wouldn't know. I've never been much of a bath-guy before..."

She giggled. "You're in one now."

He sighed and his lips forewent their migration across her neck for a moment to nuzzle up to her cheek. "Hmm, this has a lot more to do with who's in the bath with me..."

Meredith smiled as her heart constricted; she really was happy. "It does, does it?"

"Mmm, definitely."

"Good."

He laughed and went back to kissing her neck, his lips reaching as far forward as her clavicle.

She started when his hands began to wander downwards from her waist. "We don't have much time..."

"We have plenty of time."

"_You_ have plenty of time," she retorted. "I have rounds..."

"You can be late. I'll write you a note."

She laughed. "Yeah, cause I can really see Bailey accepting that _without_ putting me on scut for the rest of my life. I wouldn't put it past her; she's already pissed that Cristina is scrubbing in with Burke all the time."

"Then we'll just have to be quick so you're not late."

"Derek..."

"Meredith..."

She giggled, but was cut off before she could respond by the sound of her cell phone ringing.

Derek groaned. "Ignore it."

Meredith hesitated before extracting herself from his arms. "It's early," she reminded. "It could be important." There were very few people who would call at this time in the morning.

"Hello?" She said into her phone after she had hurried from the bathroom to pick it off of her bed side table.

"Dr. Grey?"

"Yes."

"This is Fran. I'm calling about your mother."

Meredith's blood ran cold. "Is she okay?" Footsteps followed her from the bathroom, and she looked up to meet Derek's worried eyes.

"She seems to be okay physically," Fran continued. "But she hasn't been eating much the last couple days."

Meredith ran a worried hand through her hair. "Is she nauseous? Has she been vomiting? She had a benign growth on her liver about eight months ago, but-"

"She doesn't seem to be sick, Dr. Grey," Fran cut her off. "I'm sorry if I've worried you. She just seems...off. When we prompt her to eat, she claims she's too busy. We were hoping you could come in and speak with her."

She sighed as she glanced towards the clock. She'd be late to work, but this was definitely an acceptable reason to be late. And it would be better to go now, in the morning, then after her shift. "I...okay. I'll be in as soon as I can."

"Great. We'll see you then."

"Yeah," Meredith said absently, turning around just in time to see Derek approaching her. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, and was holding a second one out to her.

"Everything okay?"

She tossed her phone onto the bed and sighed. "She hasn't been eating. They want me to come in and see her."

"You're dripping water all over the floor," Derek murmured as he stepped close, swinging the towel around her, and pulling her against his chest. "You going to go in before work?"

"Yeah; I'll call and leave a message for Bailey that I'll be late."

"Oh, I see how it is now. You'll be late for this, but not for me..."

She giggled, knowing he was joking. "It's not so much me, but what Dr. Bailey would accept as a reason. Trust me, Derek, I'd much rather spend the morning with you..."

"Hmm," he murmured, running his hands up and down her back. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, it's fine," she automatically, her gut response for every time he offered to accompany her to the nursing home. She loved that he was there for her, but her mother was...a part of her life that reminded her of so many negative things. Her mother reminded Meredith of all the steps she had taken just to get to something resembling 'normal' in her life, and of all the steps she had left to take. It was like Ellis was the source of all of her insecurities, her past, and Derek was the light guiding her to happiness, her future. Her worst fear was her past infecting her future.

"You sure? We could pick up breakfast afterwards. I don't have anything scheduled until the afternoon."

She hesitated; he was so eager to be with her, to help her through these things. "I don't want to make you..."

"You're not making me do anything," he reassured. "I want to do things like this with you. It's what you do when you're in a relationship."

"Okay," she relented. It wasn't like he hadn't accompanied her before to the nursing home. Everything had been okay those times. The sky hadn't fallen. Her future had been just as bright when they had left the nursing home as when they had arrived.

He pressed his lips against her forehead. "Okay, then."

000

Meredith plastered a fake smile on her face and greeted her mother in as upbeat a tone as she could muster. "Mom."

Ellis Grey glanced up from the pad of paper before her, that was covered in who knew how many medical notes about who knew what subject. Alzheimer's was an amazing disease, and each patient was affected differently. Ellis was very rarely aware of the year and happenings of the world around her. She didn't recognize her adult daughter. She didn't realize she was no longer a practicing surgeon. But she could be counted on to give full descriptions of any number of medical disorders without blinking an eye, including aetiology, treatment and recovery, statistics, and history. She couldn't give one piece of information about her daughter's life, but she could recant the development of the Grey Method, from her first inclination of the idea, to her first attempt, to success, to publication.

Once, when Meredith had been studying for an exam in medical school, she had brought her textbook and notes to the nursing home Ellis had lived in when they were in Boston. Ellis had proceeded to tell her that her textbook was crap, give her three reasons not to trust its author – a man she had worked with – and had spent two hours telling her everything she had would ever need to know about cirrhosis. Needless to say, Meredith had aced the exam.

"The nurses tell me you haven't been eating," Meredith continued, sliding into a seat near her mother. Derek sat beside her.

"No time; I've been in the OR all morning, and I have back to back surgeries all day," Ellis said without looking up.

Meredith sighed, wishing her mother would at least look at her. She had gone to medical school in the hopes that it would make her mother proud of her, but the long hours of her internship were keeping her from visiting as often as she would have liked. And she couldn't help but feel guilty for that. "Look, I'm sorry I haven't been visiting more. It's just...I've been-"

Ellis looked up, meeting her eyes with an expression that told Meredith she was annoyed. "I don't have time to coddle you right now," she said, cutting off her daughter. "I'm trying to save lives. Do you understand? Huh, do you?"

Meredith sighed, wondering for the umpteenth time whether her mother was speaking to her as her daughter or as an intern. Either way she obviously wasn't overjoyed at her presence. "Mom," she tried again.

Ellis looked up and met Meredith's eyes for a long moment.

Meredith held her breath, hoping her mother would recognize her today. The Alzheimer's was progressing, and Ellis's recognition of her daughter was occurring less and less. For a second she thought that she recognized a hint of awareness in her mother's gaze, but Ellis huffed and glared at her.

"Did you have something important to ask me? Or are you just going to sit here and try and learn through osmosis? Greatness is achieved through learning and effort, not through sitting around and hoping for something to happen. You'll never get anywhere in this life if you rely on other people to coddle you."

"Mom-"

"You won't last in this program if you don't get your head in the game. Especially you," she said, turning to Derek. "I sent you to pick up my labs an hour ago. Where are they?"

Meredith bit back a laugh as Derek stammered to come up with a response. Apparently he was one of her inters too today.

"I, uh...I'm sorry, Dr. Grey. The lab was backed up."

Ellis made a show of sighing. "So you came back to sit on your ass instead of doing something productive while you wait?" She shook her head. "Maybe you should re-consider your track; go into family medicine where patients don't die when you're unfocussed."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Grey. I'll try and be more focussed."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What was your specialty again? Neuro?"

Derek nodded, surprised.

Ellis huffed. "You'll never make it. You don't have the determination."

"I...uh..."

"And you need to learn to talk better. A good surgeon can express him or her self with ease. How are your patients supposed to trust a stammering idiot who calls himself their doctor?"

Meredith bit her lip as she struggled not to laugh out loud, both at Ellis's words and Derek's shocked expression. On previous visits where he accompanied her, Ellis spent most of her time ignoring him. This was a new experience for him. "Mom," she finally cut in, preventing the conversation from going any further. "Derek's already a neurosurgeon. Do you remember? I introduced you to him a little while ago."

"He'd never work at my hospital."

"He works at Seattle Grace, as neurosurgeon," she repeated. As tempting as it was to go along with Ellis's timeline, she had been told many times that it was good to establish the actual environment, and do her best to help her mother see the truth. "We work together. Do you remember?"

Ellis stared at her; a look full of annoyance and no recognition.

Meredith sighed. "Mom, do you know me? Do you know who I am today?"

Ellis's eyes narrowed at her. "You're just another of my useless interns who'll never amount to anything."

"Mom-"

Meredith was cut off by a familiar voice behind her.

"Dr. Grey."

Meredith spun on her chair. "Chief."

"Richard!" Ellis exclaimed, jumping out of her chair to hurry towards Richard, her arms coming up to hug him.

With Ellis holding him in a tight hug, Richard offered Meredith and Derek a weak acknowledgement with a nod. He looked uneasy, not having expected them to be there.

Ellis pulled away, her hands finding the small box in Richard's hands. "For me? You shouldn't have," she proclaimed as she hurried back to her seat.

Richard sighed heavily as his eyes landed on Meredith. He obviously hadn't expected her to be there that morning. "The, uh, nurses say she hasn't been eating..." He offered as explanation.

"Oh, you wonderful man," Ellis called as she bit into her first chocolate.

Meredith had to shake her head at her mother's abrupt change in demeanour.

Richard glanced uncomfortably back and forth between Meredith, Derek and Ellis before taking a step back. "I'm interrupting you. I'll go..."

One glance at her mother's crestfallen face was enough to have Meredith jumping out of her seat. "No, Chief, you stay and we'll go."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

Meredith offered him a smile. "Yeah. I need to get to work anyway." She glanced towards Derek, motioning for him to join her.

Derek nodded and turned his attention back to Ellis for a moment. "Goodbye, Dr. Grey."

Ellis shot him a glare. "I don't want to see you again unless you have those labs for me."

"Okay. I'll make sure and get them."

He joined Meredith and together they quickly made their way out of the room, snippets of Ellis's comments to Richard reaching their ears.

"Boy thinks he's going to be a neurosurgeon; can you imagine?"

The second they walked out the front door, Meredith couldn't help but laugh out loud. "She really wasn't impressed with you today."

"Hmm, no she wasn't," he agreed.

She reached for his hand as they walked together to his car. "Don't take it personally. She doesn't like anyone who isn't Richard Webber."

"I won't," he said with a sigh. "But...are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

They reached his car, but stopped behind it, Derek clasping at her hands. "I just...I can't stand that she says those things to you."

Meredith leaned in to kiss him. "I love that you care, Derek, but I've been dealing with these comments for a long time. It's just who she is."

He sighed and wrapped his arms loosely around her. "Still..."

She giggled. "And apparently I fell in love with a, what did she call you, a stammering idiot?"

He laughed. "That she did."

"See, she just sees things the way she wants to. And she's never cared about who she hurt, not even when she was well."

He gazed at her for a long moment, his fingers reaching up to run through her hair.

"What?"

He smiled warmly and pecked her lips. "I just don't get it."

"Get what?"

"How you're you. You're such an amazing person, Meredith. I just don't understand how you came to be who you are with only her as an influence. You deserve so much better. I just wish I could..."

Her heart swelled in her chest. "You are," she reassured, not needing him to finish his sentence to understand what he was trying to say. "You're here all the time, saying these wonderful things. And you make me happy, Derek. Really, freaking happy."

"Even when I'm a stammering idiot?"

She laughed. "Even then."

He kissed her. "I can't believe she remembered I was neuro..."

Meredith shrugged. "She remembers strange things. You told her you were her neuro consult once, right? When she escaped and you found her in CT?"

He nodded.

"Maybe some part of her remembers that."

"Does it bother you how attached she is to the Chief?"

Meredith sighed. It was a loaded question. "A little," she admitted. "But he's the only thing that makes her happy, and I want her to be happy. She doesn't have much of a life right now, and who knows how long she's got left; so I want her to be happy when possible."

He kissed her forehead and released her so that they could get in the car. "You're a good person, Mer."

She smiled to herself as she made her way to the passenger side of the car. Maybe she wasn't exactly the apple of her mother's eyes, but she had the love of a man who _chose_ to love her. It was a good day.

However, as so many things in her life, her day didn't stay good. She arrived at the hospital in time to hear that George's father had been admitted the night before. And then she had been sent to work in the pit, which was usually bad but not horrible. Today it had been horrible when a little girl had been brought in after being run over by an SUV.

Her workaholic parents hadn't exactly helped Meredith to keep her thoughts away from her own workaholic mother, which had made her, inadvertently, insult her resident. When she had proclaimed that people with high powered careers should think twice about having kids she hadn't been thinking about her resident's situation; she had been thinking about her own mother.

And then Richard had popped her bubble of happiness by telling her he would no longer be visiting her mother. The one thing that made her mother happy was being taken away. And now Meredith was on her own to do the impossible, the one thing she had never been able to do; make Ellis Grey happy.

000

It was late when Meredith trudged up the stairs to her bedroom. Richard's news that day about no longer going to visit Ellis had driven Meredith to head out to the nursing home for the second time that day.

Her mother had, of course, been devastated by the news. She had cried. And it was eating away at Meredith that Ellis wouldn't have given it a second thought if someone had told her Meredith wasn't coming to visit anymore. Her previously bright and shiny outlook on life had faded dramatically as the day had given her one hit after another. And right now, all she wanted to do was crawl into bed with the one person she could truly count on to be there and try and forget this day had ever happened.

The door creaked as she carefully pushed it open, doing her best to be quiet should Derek already be asleep. The light on his bed side table was on, revealing an empty bed.

Meredith furrowed her brow. He had driven her home before she had headed to the nursing home, and his car was in the driveway, so she knew he was home. A flickering caught her eyes from the bathroom, and she padded across the floor to push open the door.

A few strategically placed candles lit the room, revealing Derek sitting in the tub.

"What are you doing?"

He smirked. "I'm naked and waiting for you."

A smile hinted at her lips as she approached him. "How long have you been in there?" She hadn't expected to be as long as she had been at the nursing home.

He chuckled. "About a minute. I waited until I heard your car."

She laughed.

"So," he prompted. "Are you going to join me? We never got to finish our bath this morning..."

Meredith couldn't help but shake her head at his hopeful tone. She quickly stripped off her clothes and joined him.

"Mmm, that's a sight I like to see," he murmured as she stepped naked into the tub and carefully sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest as she had been doing that morning.

"This is nice," she whispered as she allowed the sensation of warm water and Derek to wash over her.

"It is," he agreed, his arms looping loosely around her waist. "How'd it go with your mother?"

She shook her head. "Horrible. She was devastated. I think she's reliving the past from when he actually left her. I can't imagine..."

He sighed and his arms tightened around her. "You'll never have to."

She allowed a small smile to grace her lips. "I know."

"Good," he breathed, and they fell into silence for several minutes.

"I may not be cut out for bright and shiny," she admitted.

"Me neither. That poor little girl...and Mark was driving me crazy all day...and Addison recruited me to talk to the Chief. She thinks he's in a rut, and that we would be able to talk him out of it, only we couldn't stop arguing the entire time."

Meredith laughed. "Callie went all cage fighter on me."

"I'm sorry?"

She shook her head. "She cornered me in the locker room, prepared to kick my ass because she found out that George found out about her and Mark. And she thought I told him."

"And she was going to beat you up?"

Meredith shrugged. "Apparently. Izzy had to step in." She giggled at the memory.

"Hmm," Derek mused. "I guess I missed an opportunity to defend you."

This only made her laugh harder, but she sobered quickly. "George's dad is really sick."

"I heard."

"Stage three," she murmured. "_And_ he needs a valve replacement. I... George is starting to freak out. I can't imagine..."

"He's in the right place. Grace is the best hospital around."

"I know. I just wish I could do something."

"You're there for George," he stated. "That means a lot."

She sighed. "I guess..."

"It was a crappy day."

"You don't know the half of it. There's something going on between George and Cristina that neither will talk about. Cristina decannulated a freaking heart today; by herself. I said horrible things to Bailey. Oh, and Alex and Izzy have gone completely insane and spent all afternoon talking in third person!"

Derek laughed. "What did you say to Bailey?"

"It was stupid, and I was distracted. All I could think about was how little those parents knew about their daughter, and how they reminded me so much of my mother...and I was in surgery with Bailey and we were talking about it and..." She trailed off and sighed. "I told her that people who want high powered careers should think twice before having children. I wasn't even thinking about her and Tuck, really... I just...didn't think."

"It happens," he reassured. "She'll understand that."

"You should have seen the look she gave me. I never meant to offend her. I just..."

"I know," he comforted.

"Promise me we won't be like that," she said suddenly.

"What?"

She turned as much as she could in the narrow space to face him. "You want kids. And I...want kids," she stammered. "And we're both surgeons. So...promise me that we won't be like that. Promise me we'll always know our kids' blood type and favourite song."

"I promise," he murmured, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "We won't be like that, Meredith."

"Are you good with this?"

"With not being like that?"

She shook her head. "With the whole kid thing."

"It's like you said; I want them."

"I know. We've just never really talked about it..."

He sighed, and she immediately knew there was something he wasn't telling her.

"What?" She asked, craning her head to face him once again.

Derek was biting back a smirk. "It's just...we talked about it a little before..."

"When?"

"When you got your appendix out."

She glared at him. "You asked me about kids when I was high on morphine?"

He quickly shook his head and leaned forward to kiss her. "No. You brought it up; I swear."

She grumbled, but lay back against his chest. "What did I say?"

"That you wanted to spend you life with me, get married and start a family."

"Oh."

"Yeah," he breathed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He sighed. "Because you were on morphine. You assured me that you had figured it out the day before, but..."

"But," she prompted.

"But I wasn't convinced."

"Then why didn't you ask me?"

"I...I guess I was worried it wouldn't be true."

She relaxed fully in his arms as understanding washed over her. "You really want kids..."

His arms tightened around her. "I want you more."

"It scares me," she admitted. "It scares me that I could end up like my mother, like Mia's parents."

"We won't be like that," he promised.

She nodded and was silent for a long moment. "I was disappointed after I took the tests."

"What?"

"The pregnancy tests," she specified. "Part of me was relieved, but there was this other part of me that was disappointed. That's how I knew I wanted kids. You'll be an amazing father. And I know what can go wrong, so I should hopefully know everything _not_ to do."

"You'll make an amazing mother," he reassured her.

"I hope so," she whispered.

"I know so."

* * *

_**AN: I'm getting back on track with regular updates! I'm not a fan of discussing my chapters in ANs, but I want to make it clear that Meredith is letting Derek in more and more. I think taking him to see Ellis speaks volumes for their relationship. Look for the next chapter soon. Oh, and just to mention; Where You Belong has now surpassed WIHF in length!**_


	48. Chapter 48

It was dark when Meredith made her way in the front door of her house. She could hear the television on in the living room, but she wasn't in the mood to talk to her roommates. All she wanted was to fall into bed with Derek and pretend the day – week, really – hadn't happened.

She had spent over an hour sitting outside the hospital with her best friend, trying to offer some comfort for the situation Cristina had gotten herself into. Burke had a tremor. He had had this tremor for some time. Cristina knew the whole time. Cristina had covered for him. Cristina had reached the end of her rope, and had gone to the Chief.

The happenings of the past few weeks fell into place, each piece fitting together show the whole puzzle. It made sense now, why Cristina had been distant. Why she had scrubbed in on every one of Burke's surgeries, why she had controlled his board. Why Burke had closed his surgeries off to all other residents, including Bailey. Why Cristina and George had been fighting. Why George had requested a consult from Erica Hahn.

And today, Cristina had finally reached her breaking point. Her conversation with the Chief could very well have cost her the career she had been working towards her whole life, the career that had meant everything to her. And it could have cost her the relationship she had been building with Burke. But it was the _right_ thing to do, so she had done it. And yet, even though it was the right thing to do, she had only gotten as far as the bench in front of the hospital doors when she had realized she had nowhere to go. She lived with Burke at his apartment, and although it may be home, it was still his.

Meredith had offered Cristina her choice of couch in her living room, but her best friend had eventually decided to try. She would go home and try and talk to Burke. She was determined not to walk away this time.

And she would show up on Meredith's doorstep should she not be welcome at home.

With the accident at the fish wharf that morning, her shift had run long. And sitting outside with Cristina had only served to delay her going home even more. It was late now, as Meredith trudged up the stairs. And she was cold, as the Seattle evening was a rainy one and she had gotten wet sitting for so long with her best friend.

All she wanted to do now was crawl into bed with Derek, take advantage of his constant warmth, and sleep.

He was already in bed when she pushed open the door to their room, turned on his side, facing away from her. Meredith forewent turning on the light and tiptoed into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She then padded quietly across the floor to her dresser, where she quickly stripped down to her underwear and pulled on an old tee shirt to sleep in.

Derek didn't move the entire time it took her to get ready for bed, so Meredith slipped into bed behind him and snuggled close, reaching her arm around his waist to spoon him.

It was then that she realized he was awake.

His body was tense and his breathing was far too shallow for him to be sleeping. And he didn't give in to her presence. Usually when he was asleep and she joined him in bed he at least reacted to her; reaching unconsciously for her hand, shifting closer or sighing. He was never so tense to her touch, no matter how deep in sleep he was.

And yet, this time there was nothing. No acknowledgement. Nothing.

"Derek?" She whispered into the dark. He had left the hospital before her, so other than assisting him in surgery, she hadn't seen him since early that afternoon.

He sighed, but said nothing.

She rolled away from him, onto her back, expecting him to follow suit so they could talk.

He didn't move, save for reaching his hand upwards to run through his hair, a sure sign that he was stressed.

"Derek?" She said again, this time more forceful.

He sighed again, but spoke. "You watched his hands all through surgery. You knew."

It was her turn to sigh. "Derek..."

"You knew," he accused again. "You knew and you didn't say anything."

"What was I supposed to say?"

"Something. Anything."

"I didn't know what to say. I didn't know anything was wrong until I went to get Burke. And even then Cristina barely said anything."

"She came over this morning," he pressed. "What did you really talk about?"

"I told you; bank robberies. I knew something was wrong, but not what."

He huffed.

She felt anger bubbling up inside and sat up. "She came over and asked if I would turn myself in if you robbed a bank and got caught and I was driving the getaway car. How exactly was I supposed to get hiding a potentially dangerous tremor from that?"

"Meredith," he said her name, but it came out as an exasperated hiss of air; far from the way it usually sounded leaving his lips.

"I cannot believe you're mad at me for this," she hissed. "Seriously! I didn't do anything wrong. And you won't even freaking look at me."

There was a pause before he rolled over, meeting her eyes, but making no move to reach for her.

"I had no idea what was going on until you sent me to get Burke. Cristina tried to follow him into our surgery and he yelled at her. I asked if she thought he couldn't operate with out and she got this weird look on her face and told me to get back into the OR. That's all, Derek. I still didn't even know what the problem was."

"You still knew something."

She rolled her eyes. "And what was I supposed to do? Announce to the OR that Cristina had a look on her face, so therefore something's up with Dr. Burke? Yeah, that would have gone over so freaking well."

"You could have told me. No, you _should _have told me."

"Right in the middle of surgery?"

"It was important."

"I didn't know that!" She exclaimed. "I didn't know what the problem was. And telling you that I thought something was up in the middle of surgery would have meant bringing our private life, our _relationship_, into work."

He said nothing, and it only fuelled her anger.

"You don't get to blame this on me," she reiterated. "I didn't know what the problem was. Cristina came to me as her friend. You're his doctor, Derek. You cleared him for surgery. How could you not know?"

His expression changed immediately. "He didn't tell me."

She let out an exasperated breath. "Well, make sure and tell me in the future when your patients hide something from you, because I don't need to come home to this. I don't need it and I don't _deserve_ it. I didn't do anything wrong here, Derek. And maybe you didn't either. And I get that you're upset, but you don't get to take it out on me." There were tears in her eyes as she sprang off the bed. She was exhausted and freezing and emotionally wiped. Taking the brunt of Derek's anger for something that was completely not her fault was not something she was able to deal with.

"Where are you going?"

She glared at him as she pulled on a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt. "Away. And if you ever decide to rob a bank, don't go coming to me for help, Derek, cause I'm not going to drive your freaking getaway car when you act like this." And with that she turned away from him and walked out their door, slamming it behind her.

Meredith stormed down the stairs and over to the couch, where George and Izzy were sharing a bowl of reheated spaghetti.

"You okay?" Izzy asked, concern lining her voice. She would have heard Meredith slam the door.

Meredith huffed and collapsed next to her. "Derek's being a jackass."

"I've heard you call him that before."

"Yeah, well, now I mean it."

"What'd he do now?" George questioned.

"He's pissed about Burke," she vented. "Burke didn't tell him about his hand, and Derek cleared him for surgery. And somehow it's my fault." She huffed before muttering, "Jackass."

Izzy laughed, but hooked a supportive arm around her roommate.

"Sometimes people take out their anger on the people who mean the most to them," George offered. "Maybe you were just the only way he could vent."

Izzy offered George a sad smile, and Meredith furrowed her brow, wondering what had gone on between her roommates today. "It happens," Izzy said with a nod, agreeing with George. "But if it's someone you love, you'll forgive them."

"You people are far too rational for my mood," Meredith complained.

They both laughed.

She cracked a smile. "I'll forgive him, of course. I just don't want to deal with him like this."

"That's what we're here for," Izzy spoke up. "To offer you an outlet."

"Good to know," Meredith replied, reaching for the bowl of spaghetti resting in Izzy's lap. "So, what happened between you two today?"

Izzy shrugged. "George outed me to his parents."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Outed you?"

"Told them I was on probation, and why. And this was after I spent to day having his mom ask me a hundred times if there was anything sexual between us..."

Meredith laughed. "She asked you that?"

George sighed. "She doesn't understand the concept of roommates."

"She also thinks George is a babe-magnet," Izzy added. "Once I finally convinced her _I_ wasn't sleeping with George, she decided that George is having some kind of affair with Dr. Hahn."

Meredith snorted. "Dr. Hahn? Seriously?"

George made a strangled noise as he covered his face with his hands. "She's worried about my dad, and my brother's weren't around today, so she's focusing fully on me..."

Izzy laughed and took the spaghetti bowl from Meredith to hand to George. "At least she cares, George. She could be like my mother."

"Or mine," Meredith added.

000

It was less than a minute after Meredith slammed the door behind her that Derek realized how much of an ass he had been. It took six minutes for him to realize she wasn't coming back up on her own, and an additional fifteen minutes for him to work up the courage to head down to her. She would be angry, he knew, and rightfully so.

When he finally decided he couldn't spend another moment away from her, he pulled on a pair of sweatpants and quietly let himself out of their room. The scene that greeted him in the living room was of no great surprise. George, Izzy and Meredith were sharing the couch, and all three looked up at the same time. The look on Izzy and George's faces told Derek that Meredith had shared their argument with them.

"Hey," he offered quietly, padding cautiously across the room to his girlfriend. "I..." he stammered, glancing quickly at their roommates, who were doing a horrible job pretending they weren't interested in what he had to say. "I'm sorry," he finally said, as softly as he could.

She narrowed her eyes at him, and he could tell she was trying to decide how quickly to forgive him. It was then that he saw the exhaustion in her eyes, and his heart clenched. She hadn't had an easy week; this day would have been hard on her, too. And he had treated her like crap when she really didn't deserve it.

"Mer," he prompted, offering a warm smile as he cocked his head, going for the tried and true look he knew she couldn't resist.

She rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what he was doing, but her expression softened anyway.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

Meredith sighed and slowly moved over, towards Izzy, making room for him on the couch beside her.

Derek didn't hesitate to drop down beside her, his arm snaking around her waist. "You're right," he whispered into her ear. "You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry I took it out on you."

"I'm sorry I called you a jackass," she responded, loud enough for Izzy and George to hear. They both laughed.

"Twice?" He questioned, going back to a comment she had made in the first weeks of their relationship.

This only served to make her laugh. "Yeah, actually."

He exhaled a laughing breath. "I guess I deserved it."

"You kinda did."

"I'm sorry," he said again. "But I'm here now. I'm showing up."

She smiled and finally relaxed fully in his arms. "You're showing up," she murmured.

"Always," he reassured.

Meredith picked up a bowl from Izzy's hands and forked a mouthful of spaghetti into her mouth. She then offered the bowl to Derek. "Want some?"

He made a face, but took her peace offering, taking a mouthful of spaghetti before handing the bowl back to Meredith, who passed it over to Izzy. It amazed him, how openly they shared everything.

"How's you dad, O'Malley," Derek finally spoke.

"He's okay. His surgery is rescheduled for tomorrow."

"That's good. How is his mood?"

"Good enough that his mom is turning all her energy onto George," Meredith said with a laugh.

George groaned.

Izzy laughed at his reaction. "His mom kept asking me if anything sexual was going on between us."

"And she kept giving me crap about my clothes being wrinkled," George added.

Derek laughed. "Yeah, my mom does that...about the clothing, not about the other thing..."

Meredith giggled. "She does, huh?"

"Mmm, yes," he murmured.

She sighed and leaned her head against him, stifling a yawn.

"Do you want to go up to bed," he whispered.

She nodded against him and slowly unfurled herself from him as she stood up.

Derek was right behind her as they said goodnight to Izzy and George, and headed up the stairs. He followed suit as they both stripped of their sweatshirts and crawled into bed.

"I really am sorry," he stated as he settled on his side of the bed.

Meredith smiled at him and shifted close to him, laying her head on his shoulder and snaking her arm across his chest. "I get it, Derek," she murmured. "I still love you."

His hands found her back as he smiled. It never ceased to surprise him just how big her heart was. She didn't hold things over his head. She didn't give him the guilt trip. She didn't draw things out far longer than necessary. She simply called him on his crap, let him apologize, and then they moved on with their lives.

"I'm glad," he mumbled into her hair before inhaling the sweet smell of lavender.

"Are you okay?" She asked quietly.

He absently ran his hand up and down her spine. "He wanted to tell me something earlier today...before the surgeries. He was going to tell me something, but then we were interrupted. I keep going back there in my mind. What if we had had another minute? What if he had a chance to tell me?"

Meredith sighed, her fingers playing with the thin fabric of the shirt covering his chest. "Then one of the patients today probably wouldn't be alive. There was no one else who could have operated."

"It shouldn't have come to that," Derek stated. "We should have had another cardio surgeon there."

"Exactly," she agreed, lifting her head to meet his eyes. "It wasn't your fault that there wasn't anyone else there. It was _Burke's_ fault. He should have told you right from the beginning. He shouldn't have let it go this far. He shouldn't have put himself, or anyone else in the hospital for that matter, in that position."

"I still should have known."

She shook her head. "How could you have known, Derek? I get that you've got twice the ego of regular person and all, but that still doesn't make you psychic."

Despite his mood, Derek couldn't help the smile that flittered across his lips. "Twice the ego, huh?"

Meredith nodded.

He laughed. "I still feel like I should have been able to do something. He didn't even want to talk to me tonight. I offered to help..."

"Then you've done everything you can," she reassured. "Burke got himself into this, and he got caught with his pants down or whatever, and now it's up to him to...dig himself out of the hole he dug for himself."

Derek laughed long and loud at this, sitting up and forward to press his lips against Meredith's.

"What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing; just you and your metaphors..."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm trying to be helpful here."

"You are," he assured. "And I love you for it."

She grumbled something incoherent, but resettled herself against his chest. "This is what I get for being nice to you."

He closed his arms around her, holding her tight against him, and kissed the top of her head. "I wouldn't change a single thing about you, Meredith. Not a single thing."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he breathed, closing his eyes as he settled himself back against the pillow.

"Derek?" She asked quietly.

"Hmm?"

"I lied."

"About what?"

"If you robbed a bank, I'd totally drive the getaway car." She paused. "And you don't get to make fun of me for that metaphor, because Cristina came up with it, not me."

"Thank-you," he whispered, "But I'd never ask you to drive the getaway car."

"You wouldn't have to ask."

"Well, then, I wouldn't let you."

"You wouldn't be able to stop me."

He smiled. "I wouldn't, huh?"

"Nope," she mumbled into his chest. "And I'd turn myself in."

"I...don't understand that part of the metaphor."

"It's okay," she said with a sigh. "You don't have to."

"O-kay..."

"Just say goodnight, Derek."

He smirked. "Goodnight, Derek."

She huffed and he could practically feel her rolling her eyes. "Smartass," she muttered.

Derek pressed his lips against the top of her head again. "Goodnight, Mer."

"Hmm, night," she breathed, shifting slightly as she snuggled closer.

He sighed happily. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

_**AN: Please check out my new oneshot, 'Of Trust and Taking Steps.'**_


	49. Chapter 49

_**AN: Working far too many hours due to low staffing + a one day laptop strike on my one full day off + a small family emergency + a host of other things you wouldn't believe could all happen in the same three week period = severe delays in my writing. Sorry!**_

Meredith stood outside the glass wall of the NICU, staring in at the small, recovering infant lying in her small cubicle. The little girl – Laura, Meredith reminded herself – wasn't even a day old, and had already undergone lifesaving surgery. But she was tough, and every monitor that stood around her showed good signs. And the very attentive nurse had checked on her five times in the hour or so that Meredith had been standing there.

It was early morning, very early. Molly was still fast asleep in her hospital room, Susan asleep on the chair by her bedside. Meredith knew this because she had checked.

Meredith could remember staying in the hospital for a night when she had been eight after she had gotten her tonsils out. Her mother had stopped in after the procedure to check in on her, had been paged into surgery quickly after, and had gone home for the night without saying goodbye.

Molly was twenty-two – and okay, a c-section where the baby almost died is a lot more serious than a simple tonsillectomy – but Susan had barely left her bedside. Meredith had gotten about a minute and a half with her mother around, and then hadn't seen her until the following afternoon. She could remember the girl in the bed next to her, also a tonsillectomy patient, whose parents had stayed until the nurses forced them out, and were back first thing in the morning. And they had thought to pack games and books and her favourite stuffed animal.

Ellis had barely thought to pack Meredith pajamas.

The nurse made her sixth pass of Laura's monitors, sending Meredith a quick glance of suspicion. Meredith sighed. She had been standing there for over an hour now; she really had to move on.

Laura was doing okay, and as much as Meredith wanted to not care, she had been drawn to the NICU early that morning. She had needed to check on the small baby, her...

No.

She wouldn't use the term.

Susan Grey was not her family.

Molly Thompson was not her sister.

And Laura was definitely not her...niece.

With one last glance, Meredith pulled herself from the window. She would need to get ready for rounds soon. And rounds meant pre-rounds, which meant Susan and Molly would be waking soon. And that meant Meredith could very well be caught.

And the last thing she needed was another well-meaning speech by her father's bright and shiny wife.

Meredith stumbled slightly as she made her way towards the elevator. Coffee. She definitely needed coffee.

She hadn't slept a wink since early the previous morning.

Her mother had been agitated the night before, so Meredith had made a point to go into the nursing home before work that morning. And her mother had made a point of stating the one thing Meredith had always suspected. Okay...maybe Ellis hadn't exactly made a point to say it. With the Alzheimer's running rampant through her mind, she hadn't been aware Meredith was her daughter when she had stated her sincere disdain for having had a kid.

_I never should have had a kid._

She had taken the news – not that it was exactly news to her – as stoically as she could, and had only shed one tear on her way to the hospital, hoping the day would go easy on her.

Instead, she had spent her shift sticking up for her best friend against her other friends. And there was that little part where Molly was admitted for an emergency c-section and the baby almost died. And the part where she had frozen in surgery. And the part where Addison had made her give hourly updates to Susan and Molly.

And the part where the most she had seen of Derek the previous day was him telling her Preston had finally swallowed his pride and asked Derek to take a look at his arm. Derek had told her he would be late, and to not wait up.

But it had already been late, and in the end Meredith had gotten out of the shower to find a text message from Derek saying her wouldn't be making it home.

She had spent three hours awake in bed trying to fall asleep before giving up and getting up. Her eyes had only lasted an hour before they had screamed in protest when she tried to get some reading done.

Eventually Meredith had gotten dressed and headed into the hospital. She had assumed Derek would have crashed in an on-call room, and she had hoped she would be able to find him.

Instead, he had been in emergency surgery, and she had headed to the NICU.

The elevator was empty, and she quickly rode it down to the lobby. Her head was throbbing already, and she had no idea how she was going to make it through the day. The coffee cart was void of a line, and Meredith quickly ordered the largest coffee they sold.

There was a short wait while the pot finished brewing, and Meredith collapsed against the counter, her face against her arms. She definitely felt like crap.

She didn't hear the footsteps approaching her, but she definitely felt the hand fall across her back, and she immediately smiled to herself.

"Hey," Derek greeted softly before ordering his own coffee.

"Hey," she said, standing up straight, disconcerted by how raspy her own voice sounded.

He narrowed his eyes as he took in her tired face and bloodshot eyes. "Hmm, you look like I feel..."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

He shook his head.

"Me neither."

"I thought you made it home?"

She shrugged. "I did; just couldn't sleep."

His hand came forward, clutching tenderly to her forearm, and he tilted his head, concerned far more for her well being than for his own. "Everything okay?"

She wanted so much to be able to offer him a tired smile and shrug it off, claiming everything was fine in her life. Instead she felt tears well in her eyes in response to his concern.

His lips formed a thin line and he sighed. "Mer..."

Meredith swallowed hard and shook her head. She couldn't do this; not here, not now.

Derek gave her arm a reassuring squeeze before releasing her to reach for his coffee. He understood.

Meredith sniffed, but did not cry, as she reached for her own coffee.

"How long do you have before rounds?"

She glanced at her watch. "Half an hour."

"Did you want to come up to my office for a bit?" He asked. "We haven't seen each other since yesterday morning..."

She nodded thankfully and silently followed him back to the elevator and up to his office. He was offering her an escape, even if only for a short while.

The moment his office door was securely closed behind them, Derek's arms were around her, and try as she might, Meredith couldn't hold off the tears any longer.

She cried and clutched to his scrub top and buried her face into his chest. He pried her coffee cup from her hand to rest on the desk beside his, and held her tight against him, not making a move to ask her anything until she was done crying.

"It's okay," he whispered into her hair. "I'm here. I love you. It's okay."

"I...I...Derek..." She cried.

"Shhh," he comforted. "Take your time."

A few minutes later her tears had all but stopped. She was still shaking, but she lifted her head to meet his eyes.

Derek's eyes shone with concern. "Mer, what happened?"

"Why can't things just stay the same for a little while? Why can't things just be easy for a little while? Just a little while...That's all I want... I need...just..."

"It's been tough lately," he agreed. "But what happened since yesterday morning?"

"Molly was admitted for a c-section."

"Who?" He questioned, his brow furrowed as he struggled to determine why that name sounded familiar to him.

She sighed. "My...half sister...or whatever..."

"Right," he murmured. "And...?"

"The baby almost died," she told him. "She had jejunal atresia. Addison rushed her into surgery, but it was hours... And I had to give updates every hour... And Susan...Susan was there every time. She never left Molly's side. She cried with Molly, and she hugged her and comforted her..." Her voice cracked. "She was there the whole time. She spent the night sleeping in the chair by her bedside. She was so...motherly."

"Mer..." He sighed heavily, running his hands up and down her back. "What happened with the baby?"

She breathed, glad he knew her enough to know when to back away from the subject for a moment. "She's a fighter," Meredith whispered. "She pulled through."

"Good."

"Susan called her my niece. And she..." Meredith sniffed. "She said they could be my family too."

He cocked his head and offered her a small smile. "Do you want that?"

Shaking her head was an instinct. "No. I...he didn't want me." She stumbled over her words as she felt a swell of anxiety erupt inside her.

"Meredith-"

"You said I get to choose my family now," she reminded, as if it would cease to be true if he took back his comment.

"Meredith-"

"I have a family, Derek. I have my own family now; you and Cristina and Izzy and George and Alex."

He kissed her, suddenly, but light, cutting her off. "Meredith," he said again.

She breathed and met his eyes. "What?"

"I love you," he whispered.

She nodded thankfully. "I know. I love you too." And suddenly her chest felt lighter.

"They don't have to be your family," he assured.

The tears started falling again. "They could have been," she whispered. "Yesterday...all I could think about was what if my father had raised me instead of my mother? What if I had known these people growing up? What if they had been..."

"Oh, Mer..." He closed his arms around her again, pulling her against his chest.

"My mom didn't want me," she cried, "So I don't understand why she took me to Boston. I don't understand..."

His arms tightened around her as he rested his chin on her shoulder, nuzzling up against her cheek. "She was distant, Meredith, but that doesn't mean she didn't want you."

A sob escaped her mouth. "But she didn't; I know she didn't."

"Mer-"

"No!" She found herself yelling. "She told me; yesterday morning, when I went to see her in the nursing home. She told me straight out that she wished she had never had a kid."

He was silent for several long moments, at a loss for words. "She said that?" He finally asked.

Meredith sniffed. "She did. I... She was ranting about Richard and she said straight out that he didn't want kids, so therefore she should never have had a kid." She buried her face into Derek's chest. "I'm the reason she lost the love of her life."

"No, you're not, Meredith. She's sick and she doesn't know what she's saying."

"She knows exactly what she's saying," Meredith countered. "She may not know who she's saying it to, but she knows what she's saying. And she believes it. I always thought...growing up...but I never knew for sure..." She trailed off and swallowed hard, fighting off a new wave of tears. "Now I do."

"Damnit," he muttered. "Damnit, I knew I should have gone with you yesterday."

"It wouldn't have changed anything."

"But I still would have been there. Damnit!" He exclaimed. "I never wanted to go to that meeting." Derek had been called in early by the Chief to meet with Burke, Cristina and Bailey about Burke's hand. It was why Meredith had gone into the nursing home alone.

"This isn't your fault, Derek."

He hugged her close. "It isn't yours either." He sighed heavily. "Do you think it's too late for us to both sneak out and play hooky for the day?"

Despite her dour mood, Meredith laughed. He always knew what to say to make her feel better. "Yeah, I think it's too late. I have rounds in ten minutes."

"Hmpf," he muttered. "That's not the answer I wanted to hear."

"Sorry."

He was silent for a long moment before speaking, his voice soft and tender and loving. "I'm sorry you got crappy parents, Mer. I know we don't have a lot of time right now, and that there probably isn't much I can say to make it better right now anyway, but I am going to say this..." He pulled away far enough to meet her eyes, going so far as to duck down so they were almost level with each other. "You do have a family, even if it has nothing to do with blood. And you're loved, Meredith. You have people in your life, me included, who will do anything for you. Your mother and father can do and think and say whatever they like; and I'll still be here. I love you more than anything else in the world. You make me happier than I ever thought possible. And we're going to get through this; together. Okay? We'll get through today, and then we'll go home and get some sleep, and tomorrow things will be better."

Meredith took a deep, cleansing breath and nodded. "Okay."

He narrowed his eyes. "Really, okay?"

She released a laughing breath and nodded. "Really, okay. You're absolutely right. I'm exhausted and I'm stressed." She shook her head. "I have everything I need in my life."

His eyes narrowed again at her statement. "I don't want to keep you from them, if that's what you want."

"That's not what I meant..."

He paused. "Do you want to know them?"

Meredith shrugged. "A part of me kind of does, but the other part..." She trailed off, knowing he would understand.

"Right." He leaned in and kissed her. "You don't have to decide anything today."

Her chest suddenly lighter than it had been since the previous day, Meredith sighed easily and leaned her forehead against her boyfriend's chest. "I wish things could just stay the same for a little while."

His hand left the small of her back to run upwards along her spine. "I know things have been a bit hectic lately..." He trailed off with a small chuckle, "Okay, a lot hectic."

She giggled, lifting her head to meet his eyes. "You can say that again."

He smirked. "It's been a lot hectic lately..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Smart ass."

Derek chuckled again before pressing his lips against hers. "I'm here for you, Mer. And your friends are here for you. That's not going to change anytime soon, especially the me part."

"Especially, huh?"

He smiled warmly at her. "That won't change ever," he clarified.

She swallowed hard, more grateful than she could begin to express for his constant support. "I don't know what I want to do about Molly and Laura...and Susan...and...Thatcher..." She stated quietly, going back to their earlier topic.

"Any decision you make will be a big one," he pointed out. "And not something that needs to be decided right now, or even soon. We'll get through today. And then we'll get some sleep. Things always seem better when you're not exhausted."

Meredith found herself nodding along. "You're right."

He smirked. "I know."

Try as she may, she couldn't help but laugh at his cocky tone. "Anyway..."

He smiled at her. "We'll get through this."

"I believe you," she practically whispered, surprising even herself at just how wonderful it sounded in her head when he used terms like _we_. A year ago she would never have believed how happy it would make her to be part of a _we_.

000

Rounds were uneventful until Bailey led her interns to the NICU to discuss the small infant recovering from her intestinal surgery the previous day. Meredith sighed wearily as she purposefully fell behind the group, entering the hospital room last and staying at the back.

Molly and Susan were, of course, up now and glued to Laura's bedside. Molly was wrapped in a light pink robe – that Meredith assumed Susan had brought in for her – and sat in a chair right by the head of the incubator, staring in awe at her new baby. Susan right beside her daughter, her arm around her in a purely supportive and loving stance, also staring at the tiny baby. She did push her chair back a bit, away from the incubator, when the doctors came in, allowing them access to the baby.

But she never left Molly's side.

She also sent Meredith a smile. A friendly smile, as if it were natural; as if Meredith were a stepdaughter she had known since she had been five years old.

But that wasn't reality.

Bailey glanced suspiciously at her interns, before catching sight of Meredith hovering at the back.

Meredith felt her breath hitch in her throat as she made eye contact with her resident. Bailey narrowed her eyes, and Meredith quietly shook her head, hoping her resident would let her off the hook.

"Miranda," Addison even attempted discreetly, trying to come to Meredith's aide.

It was no use.

"Grey, get up here and present," Bailey demanded, sending an astonished look her intern's way.

Meredith nodded and shuffled forward, her ribs seeming to tighten around her lungs and her feet feeling like they were filled with lead. This was not a situation she wanted to be in. "Uh, Laura Thompson," she began, avoiding Susan and Molly's gazes as she stared at the baby. "Delivered yesterday via C-section. Complications arose when she didn't start breathing on her own..." Meredith stammered onward, disconcerted by how mechanical her voice sounded to herself. She could feel her fingernails digging into the soft flesh of her palm; the results of a frugal effort to distract herself. Although she kept her eyes glued on the baby, she could feel Molly and Susan's gazes on herself, burning into her skin. "...And her vitals remained stable overnight," she eventually concluded.

"Does that mean she's going to be okay?" Molly asked quietly.

Meredith ripped her gaze from the baby to meet Molly's eyes, which were full of need and pain and hope. She opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. Molly continued to stare, and Meredith wondered if Susan had ventured to tell Molly who she was yet.

"Grey." Bailey prompted.

Meredith broke out of her trance and nodded. "Barring any unforeseen complications, she should be just fine."

Tears pooled in the new mother's eyes, and Molly nodded gratefully. "Thank-you," she breathed. "I don't know what I would have done if she had..." The young woman trailed off as she turned to stare at her new daughter. Susan offered Meredith a warm smile and closed her arms around her daughter.

Meredith blinked back tears as she wondered how it could be that Thatcher could have picked out two opposite woman to marry. Because Ellis and Susan really were polar opposites of each other. Where Susan was warm and openly supportive and affectionate, Ellis was cold and raised Meredith with a 'sink or swim' methodology. Although, Meredith mused, maybe there was a reason they were polar opposites. Maybe Thatcher had actively searched for an opposite to his first wife.

Susan Grey was everything Ellis wasn't; and vice versa.

Maybe Thatcher had simply realized his first wife was would never give him what he wanted, and that his first daughter was already too far gone.

As if his ears were ringing, Thatcher Grey rushed into the hospital room in a fit of fear and awkwardness and half formed sentences. "I'm here...the plane...bad weather...as soon as I could. Is she okay?"

"Dad," Molly cried, standing and throwing her arms around her father's neck. "You're here."

"I'm here," he echoed. "I got here as soon as I could. I'm so sorry, Molls. I'm so sorry I wasn't here."

"I'm just glad you're here now, dad."

"Is she okay?"

Molly pulled away and nodded. "They say she'll be just fine." She smiled at her father. "Do you want to meet your granddaughter?"

"More than you would believe."

Meredith felt like her feet were glued to the ground as she watched Thatcher's face light up as he stuck his hand into one of the sterile gloves attached to the incubator and carefully ran his fingers along Laura's forearm. She wondered if he had ever done that when she had been that small.

She wondered if Thatcher had ever looked at her the way he was looking at Laura right now.

"She's beautiful, Molls," he concluded. "Just like her mom. She looks just like you did when you were born. I can remember it like it was yesterday; I couldn't take my eyes off you."

Meredith felt her chest hitch. He sounded like such a perfect father; which obviously meant she had been the problem. She hadn't been a good enough daughter to him.

As if he could hear her thoughts, Thatcher finally turned to face the sea of doctors he had pushed past when he had entered the room. His gaze swept past, and then quickly came back to, Meredith. And for a long moment they stared at each other; their first face to face contact since that fateful night so many months before. Their second face to face contact in over twenty years.

Thatcher seemed at a loss for words. And Meredith wasn't about to offer any.

"Dad?" Molly spoke up, catching onto her father's behaviour. "What's going on?" She glanced at Meredith, and then back to her father.

Thatcher continued to stare at Meredith as he stammered a response to Molly. "She's..."

"Thatcher," Susan prompted, pushing her husband to announce the truth.

Molly glanced suspiciously at her again, and Meredith couldn't stand it anymore. "I'm just your granddaughter's doctor," she told Thatcher, meeting his gaze evenly. "That's all," she whispered, mostly to herself.

Addison sent her a sympathetic glance before turning to Bailey. "Dr. Bailey, why don't you move on with rounds; I know you have a lot of patient's to get to. I'll finish up here."

With a suspicious glance between her attending, her intern and the patient, Bailey nodded and herded her interns out of the room. But they barely got to the end of the hallway before she came to a stop and turned to stare Meredith down. Because one thing Miranda Bailey did not accept was being out of the loop on something that was affecting any one of her interns.

"Grey, explain."

Meredith sighed to herself. "It's nothing, Dr. Bailey."

"It didn't look like nothing to me."

"It doesn't matter, really, I'm fine."

Bailey pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment, and then she barked out orders at her other four interns and silently guided Meredith into an empty conference room. "Sit," she commanded.

Meredith collapsed onto the closest chair, grateful at the very least to be sitting. The only thought getting her through right now was the knowledge that she would be able to fall asleep in Derek's arms that night.

"Grey," Bailey prompted, her tone uncharacteristically sympathetic. She had been extra harsh since Denny had died, overcompensating for her 'weakness' after the birth of her son, but could still be trusted to tone it down when it was necessary.

And right now it was necessary.

"I'm fine," she repeated weakly.

Her resident scoffed. "You don't look fine, Grey. You look like crap. When was the last time you slept?"

"Two nights ago," she responded truthfully. There was no use attempting to lie to Miranda Bailey. The woman had a built in lie detector. Seriously, Meredith mused to herself, the woman should have gotten a job with the CIA.

"How much sleep?"

"What?"

"I know you live in the same house as O'Malley, so I know you must be dealing with his father as well as whatever else you've got on your plate."

"I got enough sleep," she responded. In actual fact she probably hadn't gotten more than a few short hours that night. Or the night before. Or...any of the past week or more she could remember.

"Meredith," Bailey said supportively, using her first name for effect. "What's going on? And just to remind you that if you don't tell me, I'll be forced to assume it's something that's clouding your judgement, and I'll keep you on scut for the rest of your internship. And when I'm named Chief Resident, it will extend into your residency."

A small chuckled escaped her lips before she sighed and nodded. "My father left when I was five," she admitted. "I didn't see him again until a few months ago, when I showed up on his doorstep and he wanted nothing to do with me. And then he showed up last month with his wife and daughter, who happened to have a baby yesterday..."

"Molly Thompson is your sister?"

"Half-sister...sort of. She doesn't know it."

"Why didn't you request off the case yesterday?"

"I thought I could handle it."

Bailey nodded, and refrained from chastising her intern; something Meredith was very grateful for. "I'm sorry to hear about all of this, Meredith. It's never easy when your own family is admitted."

"They're not my family," she found herself whispering fiercely.

"Grey-"

"No. No offence, Dr. Bailey, but I've worked really hard this year to establish a new family, to surround myself with people who will actually be there for me. I have a family now; that has nothing to do with blood."

"Okay, I can accept that. But I am taking you off the case. And not because I don't think you can handle it, but because I don't think you should have to."

Meredith nodded gratefully, both at being taken off the case and at her mentor's words of support. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it. Now, you're obviously exhausted, so I'm going to put you on scut today. And you will leave on time, and have that obnoxious boyfriend of yours take you home and get you some decent food. Is that understood?"

Meredith couldn't help but smile. "He's only obnoxious sometimes..."

"Grey."

"It's understood."

"Good. And if you come in tomorrow _not_ bordering on looking like a raccoon, I'll put you on Mr. O'Malley's case. Because I really think George could benefit from you working with his father."

Meredith nodded. "Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey paused for a moment, her eyes narrowed. "You're doing okay for yourself," she finally said.

"I'm...what?" Meredith shook her head, confused.

"I didn't hold high expectations for you when you started," her resident offered. "The Chief gave me a heads up on who you were...well, on who your mother is."

"Ahh," Meredith nodded in understanding. "Yeah...I never seem to be able to escape her."

"You have in my opinion. I expected you to be riding on her coattails, so to speak. But you've got a good head on your shoulders. You've made mistakes, yes, but you've learned from them. You're not careless, and you're not coasting."

"Thank-you," Meredith replied quietly, almost stumbling over the words in surprise. "That...that means a lot to hear."

Bailey cracked a smile. "Now, if it weren't for that attending that follows you around like a lost puppy, you'd be the perfect surgeon."

Meredith laughed, but sobered quickly. "I don't want to be a perfect surgeon. And don't get me wrong; I want to be a good surgeon. I want to save lives. I want to make a difference. But the perfect surgeon only cares about work. The perfect surgeon doesn't have a personal life. My mother was a perfect surgeon, and now she's sick, and all she's got left is me."

"Grey, people do the best they can."

"I appreciate that you think that," Meredith countered, meeting Bailey's eyes. "And I really am sorry about what I said to you in the OR last week." _People want high-powered careers; I get that. But they should think twice about having kids._ "I'm really sorry," she repeated. "And I know that you love your son, and are doing the best you can for him. But Dr. Bailey, my mother only ever did the best she could for herself."

"Grey-"

"No. If you had any idea..." Meredith trailed off as memories of her childhood bubbled to the surface. Memories of long nights by herself, where she would hide under her covers, no matter how hot she got. Memories of falling asleep in on call rooms and galleries. Memories of never once looking into a crowd of spectators and seeing her mother. Memories of her mother's blood spreading across the floor before her, seeping into her clothes. "My mother did the best she could for herself," she repeated, "Not for me."

"No parent is perfect."

"Do you love your son?" Meredith asked fiercely, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to make her resident understand.

"Of course."

"Have you told him?"

"I tell him all the time."

Meredith nodded. "That's my point. My mother never told me."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"She never told me; not once. Emotions made you weak; that's what she taught me. She didn't hug me. She didn't ask me how my day was, or what I learned in school. She didn't help me with my homework. She didn't let me believe in Santa Clause, or the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, or...whatever other mythical things I should have believed in. She didn't let me believe in _love_."

"I'm sure she loved you, Meredith."

She shrugged. "Maybe she did, but I'll never know. And even if she was lucid, she wouldn't admit to it."

"I'm sure she meant to tell you."

"I get that you want to believe the best in other parents, especially those that are surgeons too. And even though my mother will never fit into that, I'm so glad you care this much. Because that makes your son so lucky."

Bailey's eyes took on a sheen that Meredith had never seen before, and she continued quickly before she lost her nerve, without wondering if maybe the sleep deprivation was inhibiting her impulse control. She had definitely never spoken this deeply with her resident before.

"You're a surgeon and a wife and a mother. You're doing it all, and I'm grateful for that; not only because Tuck won't grow up like I did, but also because you're proving that it's possible."

Their eyes locked for a long moment before Bailey nodded in understanding. "I'm proving to you that _you_ can do it."

Meredith nodded.

"That's your plan. With Shepherd." It wasn't a question.

Again, Meredith nodded. "I love him," she said simply. "Even though I was raised not to believe in it, I love him. And he was the first person to ever tell me he loved me. And he's not afraid to tell me all the time. And I know that you don't support it...or didn't support it...or whatever. I don't really know where you stand right now on the whole intern dating an attending thing, but I will not be like my mother. I will be a surgeon, but I will also have a life."

"On the record, I can't officially support an intern-attending relationship. But off the record..." she trailed off with a shrug. "Off the record you two are doing much better than I would have expected. You're both being very professional, and you're not causing any problems. And I wish you a happy future."

"Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

"Just don't go expecting this treatment all the time."

Meredith smirked. "I won't, trust me."

"Good; now get to work. You have labs to pick up."

000

True to her word, Meredith turned down an opportunity to scrub in, and changed to leave on time. Although she hadn't seen him all day, she had texted Derek to tell him Bailey was demanding he take her home and feed her, and his response had included a promise to meet her in the lobby.

She made her way down the hall towards the elevator, just in time to intercept the doors before they closed. And when they opened fully before her, the one person who could still bring a smile to her face when she was this tired was standing on the other side.

"Hey," he practically hummed, stepping forward to meet her in the middle of the elevator car. "I thought you'd be downstairs by now. I was going to meet you in the lobby."

"Mmm," she murmured, leaning into his chest and enjoying having him support some of her weight for a moment or two. "It took me longer to get changed than I expected."

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes, and tenderly tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. "Were you okay today?"

She offered him a small smile and a nod. "Better than I expected. I was reminded of what I _do_ have as opposed to dwelling on what I don't."

He smirked. "How very mature."

Meredith giggled. "I'm evolving."

"Seriously," he prompted. "You okay?"

"I think I really am."

"Hmm," he purred, pressing his lips against hers. "I think you're going crazy from lack of sleep."

She giggled again. "Maybe. Maybe I am crazy. But right now I just can't bring myself to care..." She trailed off as she lost herself in his warm eyes. Her mother would call her crazy. Hell, her mother would probably have her admitted if she knew what thoughts were going through Meredith's head right now.

The warm, fuzzy, bright and shiny thoughts.

Derek cocked his head to the side ever so slightly, not understanding the sudden inflection in her tone.

Meredith smiled up at him, knowing she didn't have the brain power to explain her train of thought right now. "I love you," she told him reverently.

"I love you too," he responded without hesitation, making her heart soar.

The elevator doors opened and Derek hooked an arm around her waist. "You ready?"

She leaned her head against his shoulder for a hint of a second, completely at ease with him; no fears or reservations. "I really am," she whispered, mostly to herself. And she was, she was surprised to realize.

Meredith was ready for everything.

"Really, huh?" He murmured, his voice portraying that he understood something important was going on in her head, even if he had no idea what, or just how important, it was.

"Absolutely," she practically breathed. "I'm ready, Derek."

"Hmm, then let's get you home."

Meredith pulled away far enough so that his arm dropped from her waist, and she quickly threaded her fingers through those of his now free hand. "Let's do this thing," she said lightly, tugging on his hand to pull him out of the elevator.

Maybe she was past overtired. And maybe Derek thought she was crazy.

And maybe she was.

But she was happy.

And she was ready.


	50. Chapter 50

_AN: You can blame this delay on the season. I got so freaking sick for over a week that I could barely move, let alone type... Not fun. But I'm on the mend, and fanfic is the best therapy. lol. I can't believe this is the fiftieth chapter. Half way to 100 - which I would say I won't get to...but I never expected to get to chapter 50 either, so it could happen..._

_

* * *

_

The air around her was cool when Meredith awoke.

Goosebumps peppered her exposed skin as she became conscious enough to register the temperature. She groaned and pressed her face into her pillow, trying to make the real world disappear, and fall back to sleep, where being cold didn't matter.

A male groan echoed hers, and there was movement beside her before a very familiar – and welcome – arm hooked over her waist. And suddenly she felt warm.

"Mmmrr," Derek mumbled into the back of her neck, in what may be a sleepy attempt to say her name. Or it could have simply been an incoherent combination of syllables. She would never know which.

Meredith sighed, pressed her back into Derek's chest and pulled his arm snugly around her middle. "Sleep," she grumbled, wanting nothing more than to fall back to sleep in his arms; wanting nothing more in this moment than to spend the rest of her life in his arms, where the world was warm, comforting and good.

The past two weeks since her revelations regarding her and Derek's future had been full of pain, grief, and stress, stress, and more stress. George's dad had failed to overcome the great odds against him, which had led to the O'Malley's making the impossible decision to take their loved one off life support. Laura had relapsed suddenly, resulting in a second life saving surgery, leading to Thatcher's nearly constant presence in the hospital, and with it Meredith's life. And Cristina and Burke were still engaged in their silent fight. However, despite the stress of the past weeks, one thing hadn't changed.

Meredith still had Derek in her life. Meredith still wanted Derek in her life forever. Meredith was still ready.

Derek had been there beside her for every piece of bad news in the past two weeks. He had hugged her when she needed, had told her everything she needed to hear and let her do the same for him. Their relationship had reached a point Meredith had never pictured before because it was something she had until now been unable to comprehend.

Not only were they together, committed and happy, but they were stable. She no longer actively thought about the fact that they were together. She no longer started when she remembered she was in a committed relationship. And she no longer weighed the amount of time they have been together with the amount of progress they had made.

She expected Derek to be there tomorrow. Next week. Next Year. Ten years from now. Fifty years from now. Forever. And she expected him to expect the same of her. But she no longer had to overanalyze the concept with her brain going a mile a minute. And she no longer started when she realized she wasn't overanalyzing. She just...was. Meredith was. She was living in the now, preparing for the future and content for once in where her life was taking her.

Derek groaned again, burrowing his face further against the back of her neck, inadvertently reminding her of his constant presence in her life."Make it stop," he spoke into her hair.

"Make what stop?"

He pressed his lips against her bare skin, before pulling back far enough to be properly heard. "Your phone."

She rolled towards him, coming to rest on her back. "What?"

He snuggled close, his chin landing above her shoulder. "Your phone is ringing."

Meredith paused, cocking her head to listen. "I think you're losing it," she finally told him. "I don't hear anything."

He grumbled something incoherent, his arm tightening imperceptibly around her waist.

She giggled, reaching her free hand to run through his hair. "Are you losing it?"

Derek glared at her, and opened his mouth to respond, only to be cut off by her ring tone sounding through the room. "Told you."

"Lucky guess."

He chuckled. "They've called at least twice already."

"Crap," she grumbled. "It must be important." Her friends had an uncanny habit of calling at early hours in the morning, but would only call once if it wasn't an emergency. She unhappily extracted herself from Derek's warm arms and rolled to snatch her cell off of her bedside table.

"Hello?" She said groggily into the phone.

"Hi. Dr. Grey? It's Miss Henry. I'm sorry to be calling so early, but there's an...issue with your mother."

This had Meredith's attention. "Is she okay?" She sat up quickly, and Derek mirrored her, his eyes worried as he reached a supportive hand to squeeze her forearm.

"Physically, she's fine."

"Is she not eating again?" Meredith asked with a sigh.

"No, it's nothing like that."

"Then what is it?" Meredith demanded, not liking the nurse's tone.

She sighed. "It's... It's very important that you come in, Dr. Grey. As soon as you can."

"I don't understand..."

"We have a...situation, Dr. Grey; one we really can't explain over the phone. We really need you to come here. Your mother really needs you here."

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. "Okay. I'm on my way."

"What's wrong?" Derek asked as soon as she hung up.

"I have no idea. They just told me it's imperative I come in right away," she explained as she threw her legs over the side of the bed and stood. And it didn't even surprise her when Derek did the same. She also didn't argue when he hurried to match her pace as she pulled on some clothes.

Somehow in the last few weeks it had become expected that he would accompany her to the nursing home for these kinds of visits. And somehow she had found it liberating to stop arguing. Apparently sharing your life with someone meant you would both be involved in these aspects of each other's lives.

Izzy had left the house early that morning in her excitement to open the clinic, and had left a half pot of coffee on the counter, which Meredith immediately poured into two travel mugs. Derek met her in the hallway, both of their jackets in hand.

"Ready?"

Meredith nodded as she traded him a mug of coffee for her jacket. This was just another aspect of sharing your life with someone; you became efficient with getting ready to go without having to verbally plan it. She got the coffee. He got the jackets. Both were vital for the morning, but neither had needed to voice it. "I hope so."

He nodded at her before pressing his lips against her cheek in an attempt to comfort her. "Whatever it is..."

She nodded up at him, not needing him to continue. "I know."

"Good." He offered her a supportive smile, placed his hand against the small of her back and led her out to the car. He drove the familiar route to the nursing home as Meredith placed a call to Bailey, explaining that she would very likely be late. The one good thing about being Ellis Grey's daughter and working in a hospital meant no one would question you being late if there was a problem with your sick mother.

She sighed when she hung up her cell and shoved it into her purse. Her now free hand began to tap nervously on her knee, before Derek's hand fell overtop. "I'm here," he reminded.

"I know," she murmured. "I just...hate these phone calls. I never know what to expect."

And she really didn't know what to expect. But nothing could have prepared her for the news awaiting her at the nursing home. Sudden lucidity was something she had read about in her textbooks in medical school, but it had always been a small insert in a section on Alzheimer's or Dementia. It was one of those things that happened occasionally, but was never expected. It wasn't predictable or controllable, and many doctors went their entire careers without ever seeing it.

Meredith had never expected to see it; especially not in her own mother.

"She woke up this morning aware; she's her old self. It happens. Medically we don't know why. It's just a...random gift." Miss Henry, the nursing home representative in charge of Ellis's case, spoke.

"Wow," Derek murmured beside her.

Meredith shook her head. "But...how long will it last?" She asked, even though the doctor in her knew there was no way to estimate a time period.

"It's different in every case."

She nodded, glancing at Derek for his reaction. He offered her a supportive smile and squeezed her hand.

Meredith took a breath and glanced through the small window in the door to her mother's room, where she could see her mother pacing anxiously back and forth. "So...she's really lucid." It was a statement and not a question. "She remembers..."

"Pretty much everything," Miss Henry filled in, "Except the last five years. And, of course, she doesn't realize she has Alzheimer's. We thought it should come from you."

"So...she'll know me? I'm going to walk in there and she's going to know who I am?"

"She's been asking for you."

Meredith was surprised to feel tears pricking the backs of her eyes. "Can...can I go in?"

"Of course."

"I...what do I say to her?" She asked, hesitating with her hand on the door handle.

"It's important to be slow and comforting, but you need to establish her current environment and timeline."

"So...I need to tell her...right away."

"It's important that she realize the truth."

"Okay...I can...okay." Meredith stumbled over her words.

She glanced at Derek, who nodded encouragingly.

"Okay. I'm going to..." She trailed off as she took a deep breath and pushed open the door, preparing to meet her past head on.

"Mom," she greeted cautiously.

"Meredith!" Ellis exclaimed. "Thank God you're here. I...I don't know what's going on and these people...these people won't tell me anything."

"Mom..." Meredith said evenly, trying to make her mother calm down as she struggled to come up with the right words. But then again, maybe there weren't any right words for things like this.

Ellis still paced back and forth across the room, so Meredith sat, hoping it would entice her mother to follow suit.

"Meredith, what is going on? When did you get back from Europe?"

"I went to Europe for two months, but that was-" She began, only to be cut off as her mother talked onwards, unhearing of her daughter's pleas to listen.

"I've been sitting here thinking about the fight we had. The things I said. I said some terrible things."

_"Damnit, Meredith! You were accepted into some of the finest medical schools in the country. You can't just not go."_

_Twenty-three year old Meredith scoffed. "That's certainly a change of heart. First you tell me I don't have what it takes, and now you want me to go."_

_"Why did you bother applying and getting my hopes up that you would actually accomplish something with your life when you never planned on going?"_

_Meredith seethed at her mother's words. "To prove you wrong. To prove to you that I could get accepted into any school I wanted."_

_"You're a Grey, Meredith. No medical school would turn you down."_

_"No. I won't let you tell me that's the only reason I got in. I won't let you keep doing this to me."_

_Ellis ignored her. "You owe it to me, Meredith. You owe it to me to go and make a good impression."_

_"How do you figure I owe you anything?"_

_"Because I am your mother!"_

_Meredith rolled her eyes. "Nice try."_

_"Meredith-"_

_"I don't want to go to medical school."_

_"Give me one good reason not to go."_

_"Because I don't want to turn out like you!"_

_Ellis's eyes flashed at her in a way Meredith had never seen. "Well, don't worry about that for a second, Meredith. You're nothing like me. You're the epitome of bad choices and failure. You'd never make it through the program."_

Back in the present, Meredith shook her head, trying to rid it of the bad memories that seemed permanently seared into her brain. "It's fine."

"No. It's not. After you left I was upset. I..." She broke off for a moment, breathing hard. "Did I have a break down? I must have had a nervous break down. Is this a hospital? Because I can't remember anything for the past two months, Meredith." She continued onwards without giving Meredith a moment to talk. "The last thing I remember is the fight we had. And listen; if you don't want to go to medical school, that is fine. It's your life. Just take me home. I need to go home."

Meredith hesitated when her mother finally gave her a moment to speak up. Ellis was standing before her, her hands clasped together, _pleading_ with her daughter to take her away, almost as if she could sense what was about be to told to her. "Mom...please sit down."

"No. I don't want to sit, Meredith. I want to go home. I need to go home."

"Mom..." Meredith sighed, not wanting to be the person to deliver this horrifying news to her mother; not wanting to give her mother another reason to look at her with horror and upset. "I went to medical school," she finally said, her tone even and measured. She couldn't give her mother much good news here, but she could at least give her the last thing she had wanted from Meredith before she had gotten sick.

"What?"

"After I went to Europe you got sick. I came home and went to medical school."

Ellis stood, frozen, her hands still clasped together before her. "You...you went to medical school," she repeated, as if trying to swallow the news.

"Yes. At Dartmouth."

"Dartmouth."

"Yes."

There was a long pause before Ellis spoke again. "How long?"

Meredith swallowed hard. Ellis didn't have to specify what period of time she was talking about. "It's been five years, mom."

"Five," Ellis gasped. "Five...but I don't..understand."

Meredith stood, cautiously approaching her mother, reaching a hand out to grip around her forearm in an attempt to comfort. "You got sick," she repeated. Ellis's eyes shifted to meet hers, a question behind them, and Meredith didn't have to ask to know exactly what her mother needed to know. "You have Alzheimer's."

Ellis gasped and shook her head, stepping back, away from her daughter. "No. No!"

"Mom," Meredith tried, following her movements. "I'm so sorry."

"No!" Ellis cried again, before suddenly going rigid as her eyes flew back in her head.

"Mom? Mom!" Meredith went into action, quickly supporting her mother's body as she fell to the ground. "Somebody call 911!"

The second the words were out of her mouth, the door swung open, Miss Henry, Derek and one of the nurses barging through.

"She...she's unconscious," Meredith cried out, her fingers reaching to her mother's neck, searching for a pulse. "She...she has a pulse. It's fast. Too fast."

Derek said something Meredith couldn't hear, and a moment later he was crouched beside her, a stethoscope already in his ears as he reached a hand over Ellis's chest for a long moment. He shifted to another position and listened again.

"She's having arrhythmias," he spoke, sitting back on his heels, his free hand moving to rest on Meredith's back as he looked up at Miss Henry. "How far out is the ambulance?"

"Ten to twenty minutes."

"Ten to twenty..." Meredith rambled. "That's...good. Quick. Good."

"It is good," Derek echoed, his calm tone and calm stance and utter calm...ness washing over her.

Meredith nodded and took a deep breath. "She's breathing. Her heart is beating. She's stable."

He turned to her. "Did she fall?"

"She went rigid and I caught her before she fell," she responded. She couldn't do the daughter with a sick mother thing very well, but she could do the doctor thing. There was a patient, and Derek was asking her questions. "She wasn't dizzy or light headed...just passed out."

"Okay. Hopefully she was just overwhelmed. Why don't we get her off the floor?"

Meredith nodded and shifted to support her mother's head. Two nurses went to Ellis's far side. The four were just about to lift her when Ellis groaned.

"Wha..." Her hand moved upwards towards her face. "Meredith..."

"I'm right here, mom," Meredith said, quickly moving back into her mother's view. "You're okay. You passed out. You're having arrhythmias, so we're going to take you to the hospital. The ambulance is already on the way."

Ellis stared at her, silent.

Meredith bit down on her lower lip. "Do you think you can sit up?" She offered a hand.

"Of course I can sit up, Meredith," Ellis replied, using Meredith's hand to pull herself upright.

The nursing home staff brought in a wheelchair, and worked together to help Ellis off the floor and into the chair.

"The ambulance should be here any minute," Miss Henry informed. "Is there anything you want to take with you, Dr. Grey?"

Ellis glared at the woman. "Well, seeing as I don't know what it is I have to take, I don't think so." She scoffed and turned to Meredith. "God, Meredith, what kind of people have you left me with?"

Meredith's heart clenched. When her mother had first gotten sick she had tried her best to keep her at home, but with her inconsistent hours in medical school, it had become too hard. Her mother's condition had progressed too rapidly and Meredith spent too much of her time in class worrying about whether Ellis was getting herself into trouble. The decision to put her mother into a nursing home had been painful, but necessary.

"Mom...they're good. I swear. Just..." She trailed off, realizing her mother wasn't paying attention to her at all.

The ambulance arrived quickly, and Meredith followed along numbly as the paramedics took Ellis's vitals and strapped her onto the stretcher.

"Are you coming with us?" One of the EMT's asked as they were loading her mother into the back of the ambulance.

Meredith nodded. "Of course."

"I'll follow you," Derek said, appearing beside her.

She nodded. "Okay...thanks, Derek. Thanks for being here."

He offered her a tender smile and pressed his lips against her cheek. "It'll be okay."

"I know." She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and inhaled sharply. "I hate this," she whispered.

His strong arms went around her waist and one hand ran comfortingly back and forth across her shoulder blades. "I know you do. But I'm here for you."

She took a breath and pulled away from him. "I'll see you at the hospital."

He nodded, still smiling his trademark smile at her, and she couldn't help but kiss him before turning and climbing into the ambulance with her mother.

000

Meredith was officially avoiding.

She was avoiding her mother for the obvious reason that she had always been a disappointment and knew a medical degree would never change that.

She was avoiding her friends because they didn't understand. Her one run in with Izzy and Cristina had proven that. It had also led to her finding out that George had gotten married, which was...well, Meredith wasn't sure what that was. There was too much on her mind for her to devote much brain power to thinking about George and Callie getting married in Vegas.

She was also avoiding Derek, which was something new for her; something she hadn't done since the weeks after Addison had first appeared in Seattle. But she was. Meredith was officially avoiding her boyfriend. Why? She wasn't quite sure. Maybe because he would act similar to her friends. Maybe because he would have opinions as to what she should do. And maybe...

Maybe Derek would be perfect and dreamy and supportive. And that would make it real. Her mother was really lucid. Really and truly freaking lucid. Really and truly lucid and wanting to speak with her daughter.

Which was why Meredith was avoiding.

"Hey," a soft – and all too familiar – voice sounded from behind her.

"Crap," Meredith muttered, cringing as she turned to face one of the very people she was trying to avoid.

Derek raised an eyebrow, a hint of a smirk on his lips. "Crap, huh? Are we really back to that?"

She had to giggle at the memory of meeting him in the hospital parking lot one morning when she had still been trying to convince herself being with Derek was worth Bailey's wrath.

"I heard your mother is stable."

"Yeah. She's...stable," she stammered, chastising herself for the umpteenth time at her inability to be more coherent.

He cocked his head to the side in a way that told her he knew her all too well. "And I found that out through hospital gossip."

A nervous laugh fell from her lips as she ran a hand through her hair. "Yeah..." she mumbled, "I'm avoiding."

"I noticed."

"I'm sorry." She sighed heavily and looked away from her boyfriend.

He chuckled, the welcome sound drawing her eyes back to his. "Oh, Meredith. What am I going to do with you?"

"I don't know what to do," she found herself whispering. "She's...and I...I'm...me, and then...now...I can't..."

Derek ducked in close for a moment, pressing his lips against her cheek. "Mer, this is a situation no one ever expects to be in. You need to face her; you know that. And you will when you're ready; I know that. So, really there's nothing I can do to help you here, other then to remind you of exactly how much I love you."

Relief flooded her. He was absolutely right; as usual – not that she would ever admit it.

"However," he continued, "I'm glad I finally found you. You and I have something in common today."

She furrowed her brow, her lips curling upwards in reaction to his teasing tone. "And what would that be?"

"We both found ourselves in an unexpected situation. You're dealing with a lucid mother. And I ended up dealing with _this_," he said, holding up her purse, which she hadn't noticed in his hands. "I've been carrying it all over the hospital for over an hour, which comes with its share of glances and whispers."

A giggle threatened to escape, heaving with all its might upwards from her lungs. She managed to hold it back once, but the second wave of laughter found a way through. And then she was laughing in full, tears leaking from her eyes. "You...you..." she stuttered. "You actually carried my purse...you carried my purse around the hospital?"

"You left it at the nursing home. What was I supposed to do; leave it there? And then I couldn't find you when I got here..."

Meredith kept laughing.

His eyes narrowed at her as he tried to glare, but she could still see amusement there. Plus, she could also see his barely concealed smirk. "First you leave me holding your purse at work. And now you're laughing about it," he accused. "You're lucky I'm so in love with you."

Tears of humour and relief and happiness sprang to her eyes as she finally quieted her laughter, and she wrapped her arms securely around Derek's neck, hugging him close. He was slow to hug her back, not used to her being so forward at work.

"Are you okay?" He whispered into her hair.

Meredith nodded, blinking back her tears. she pulled herself away far enough that she could meet his eyes, but not so far that she had to extract herself from his arms. "Thank-you for loving me," she whispered fiercely.

His expression morphed into one of his trademark smiles and he cocked his head ever so slightly. "You can't thank me for doing something you make so easy."

Despite the fact that they were in the hospital and people could very well be watching, Meredith pressed her lips firmly against his for several seconds. If he loved her enough to carry her freaking purse around the hospital looking for her while she was avoiding her mother, then she could break her own rules for a while.

"This is all going to be okay," she stated when she pulled away, still wrapped securely in his arms. "I'm going to be able to face her. I'm going to get through the day. I'm going to deal with whatever is making her have arrhythmias. And I'm just...going to deal with this whole crisis and whatever comes after it."

He faked a frustrated huff. "_We_," he corrected. "We're going to deal with it."

She laughed at his vehemence. It was ironic that he would pick now to insist on their 'we-ness' when she had only been able to say what she had said because he was there and she knew he would be there the whole time. "We're going to get through this," she revised. "We're going to get through this, and whatever else life throws at us."

He smiled. "That's better."


	51. Lucid Ellis

_AN: I have been actively working on this chapter since my last update, but it was hard to get the Meredith/Ellis conversation right. It still doesn't seem like it should, but I'm getting too frustrated to keep re-writing it. I can only hope it's close enough to set the right tone for the following several chapters, which will obviously deal with the ferry arc. The next chapter is already in the works and should be up this week. Thanks for reading!_

_

* * *

_

Meredith watched George re-approach his patient after she had offered him congratulations on his wedding, and although it should be a happy moment, she knew everything was about to change. A sense of foreboding swept over her, and even before the words reached her ears, Meredith knew her mother was standing behind her.

And the relatively peaceful bubble she had worked so hard to create for herself was effectively popped.

"People who hover in doorways-"

"Are coming from nowhere and are heading nowhere," Meredith finished smoothly as she turned to face her past; the past she had worked so hard to forget about in the past year. "You said that to me a lot growing up."

Ellis's expression didn't change. "You hovered in a lot of doorways."

Meredith stayed silent. She _had_ hovered in a lot of doorways; it wasn't something she could argue. And telling her mother she had hovered in hopes of attention, comfort or contact wouldn't make a difference now.

Ellis changed her tactic, her eyebrows lifting slightly as she spoke again. "Are you planning on coming to talk to me any time soon?"

With a deep breath, Meredith nodded. "Right now, actually."

"Good." Ellis turned and headed back towards her room, fully expecting her daughter to follow.

With only a moment of hesitation, Meredith did follow, wanting for this conversation to go well, but knowing it wouldn't. Once they reached the room, Meredith sat on the chair by the bed, pulling one heel onto the seat in front of her and wrapping an arm around her leg, as if trying to shield herself from what was to come. Ellis remained standing; an allusion to their conversations when Meredith was a child. Ellis had always liked to stand and have Meredith sit. It gave the illusion of power.

"So," Ellis prompted. "Tell me about yourself."

This was not the first question Meredith had expected. Being drilled on her internship, her plans for her residency and fellowship, and her grades and standings in medical school she had expected. Not anything about her life. Ellis had never taken an interest in her life. "I..." She stammered, but trailed off when no words popped into her mind. In the hour and a half she had spent avoiding her mother this morning she had run through the questions she had expected to be asked, and she had replies for all of them. But not this.

Her mother offered her a laughing smile, showing that she understood her daughter's hesitance. "What's your life like?" She asked again. "I... I really do want to know you, Meredith."

She was a surgical intern. She didn't have much of a life outside of the hospital, other than her friends and Derek. Her mother would never understand befriending the people you were supposed to be competing with. But maybe she would understand about Derek. She really and truly seemed to want to know about her life. And Derek was a very important part of her life, so maybe... "Well, I have a boyfriend."

"I know."

"You...you know?" Meredith stammered.

"I do. Or at least I had hoped. I saw you with that man before you got in the ambulance with me."

"Oh..."

"Yes, and I'm hoping that five years has been enough time for you to grow out of the stage where men are all disposable."

Ellis's words hit home, clenching around Meredith's heart as she recalled how lonely her life had been before she had come to learn that men could be trusted...or at least that one man could be trusted. Well, three actually; Derek, Alex and George. There had been a time where she simply would have let her mother's comment go, where she would have swallowed her thoughts and her feelings, and continued to hope her mother would one day accept her. Would one day love her.

But Meredith didn't need her mother's love to prove she was loveable anymore.

"If all you want to do is insult me, I have better things to do," she snapped at her mother, momentarily surprised at the harsh tone in her own voice. She recovered quickly and forced a stoney expression to her face.

Ellis huffed. "I'm just trying to know you, Meredith."

"No. You were insulting me. I'm sorry if I'm not the perfect daughter, but you're not exactly winning any parenting awards."

"Meredith-"

"You were too busy competing for surgical awards to care about being a parent. And the way I used to be with men was a direct result of the way you raised me, of what _you_ taught me."

"Meredith-"

"And it took a lot for me to be able to be in a relationship like this, so you don't get to go there. You don't get to touch that part of my life."

Ellis sighed and moved to sit on the edge of her hospital bed. "You've changed."

Meredith exhaled heavily, some of her anger dissipating. "I have," she agreed.

"When?"

Meredith closed her eyes as she thought back to the past five years. Her first year of medical school had been the hardest. She had struggled to balance her classes and labs with taking care of her mother. As she spent most of that year trying to keep her mother at home, she had spent almost all of her time not in class at home with Ellis. Her second year had begun with Meredith struggling to find a way into one of the many closely knit groups that had developed during the first year. However, the only people Meredith could make any ties with were the kinds of people looking for shallow friendships. And her second year had blended into her third and fourth as she had fallen back into her old ways in an attempt to maintain any form of connection with other people.

And then she had moved back to Seattle.

"In the last year," she admitted. "I moved back here. Started fresh. Made friends with a lot of great people. Met Derek."

"Derek's the boyfriend," Ellis stated.

She nodded.

"Does he understand the demands of your career? Because some men say they do at first, but-"

"He's great," she said with a smile. "He's a doctor too, so he gets it."

"That's good." Ellis hesitated. "Is he...good to you?"

"He's great," she repeated, not wanting to divulge anything more about her relationship.

"And these friends of yours...?"

"Are great, too," Meredith supplied.

"And your internship?"

Meredith paused for a moment, exhaling a small breath. This was the subject she had been expecting first. "It's going well."

"Is Grace still one of the top teaching hospitals?"

She had to smile at her mother's first real question. This was all Ellis Grey was really interested in. "It's number two."

"Good."

"Are you making sure to distinguish yourself from the other interns? Because it's a competitive program, Meredith, and not everyone is going to make it through."

"I've got less than a month and a half left," Meredith stated. "Everyone who has made it this far is going to finish the program. It hasn't been an easy year for anyone."

Ellis narrowed her eyes at her daughter. "You're not supposed to like the other interns."

"Says who?"

Ellis let out an exasperated breath. "You're not going to make it anywhere in life if all you want is for people to like you."

"I think I've made it far enough without your advice to prove you're not always right."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yeah," Meredith shot back, matching her mother's raised volume. "You told me I would never make it through medical school. Well, here I am. And I'd bet anything that, had you been lucid at the time, you would have told me I'd never get into a surgical program. Or through it, for that matter."

"I was only trying to push you, Meredith."

Meredith scoffed and rolled her eyes, falling back into the facade she had perfected in high school. "No, you were disappointed in me. Nothing I ever did was enough for you."

"You weren't exactly a high achiever, Meredith."

"What makes you think that? You were never around to know what I was achieving or not, or...whatever."

"I was around enough to get angry messages from your teachers."

"And yet if you had ever asked to see my report cards, you would have seen I was on the honour roll every semester."

Ellis paused, surprised by Meredith's comment, and knowing her daughter's tone enough to believe her words. "You could have shown me."

Meredith took a breath, surprised to feel tears stinging the backs of her eyes. "I tried."

"No parent is perfect, Meredith."

She blinked furiously, feeling like a vice was crushing her heart. "But some parents try to be," she whispered.

"You didn't make it easy, Meredith. It's not easy to raise a child alone."

"It was your choice to raise me alone!" Meredith cried. "It wasn't my fault you kicked Thatcher out. And it sure as hell wasn't my fault that you based all your plans on a married man."

Ellis stared, shocked, at her daughter.

Meredith breathed as she recovered from her outburst, and couldn't help but feel good that she had managed to shock her mother. "Oh, I guess you didn't realize I knew about that..." She said snidely.

"How did you..."

"You have Alzheimer's," Meredith reminded. "You don't often care what you say to me. Plus your old adulterous partner is my Chief of Surgery. It wasn't hard to put things together."

"It wasn't what you think."

"Oh, so you didn't know he was married? And you forgot you were married, that you had a child?"

Ellis snapped. "I am not discussing this with you. It happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter now."

"It mattered then," Meredith stated. "Things that happened _a long time ago_ mattered then. And you never talked to me about any of it."

The two Greys were silent as they stared at each other, challenging the other to speak first.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Ellis eventually spoke. "I don't know why you want to discuss it."

"You're the one who wanted to chat," Meredith snipped, knowing she was being immature, but unable to stop herself. She had never learned how to interact with her mother after high school – not that they had exactly communicated well during her teenage years. But she had left for college and barely returned home.

"I want to know about current things in your life, Meredith."

Meredith resisted the urge to roll her eyes, reminding herself that this could very well be the last day she ever spoke to her mother lucid. "I have a month and a half left in my internship. I'm planning on staying in Seattle for my residency, and hopefully my fellowship and onward. I'm very good friends with some of the other interns, in fact two of them are my roommates. And I have a boyfriend, who I also live with. That's about all I have to talk about," she said honestly. "It hasn't been an easy year, and I don't exactly have a life outside the hospital right now."

"Well, that's how it should be," Ellis commented.

Meredith nodded warily, relatively certain her mother was glad for one thing she was doing.

"But it's not a good thing to be making friends with the other interns, Meredith. It leads to loyalties and guilt, and it will hold you back."

Meredith took a breath, forcing so many comments to the back of her mind. What would her mother say if she explained how she had risked her career when her roommate had cut a patient's L-VAD wire? Or how she had given up surgeries when her best friend had been hospitalized, when her friend had needed help studying, and when her other roommate's father had been sick? Hell, what would Ellis say if she found out Meredith's live in boyfriend was a department head?

"They're my family," Meredith found herself stating firmly. "We all started out together. We're all loyal to each other."

"Meredith-" Ellis began in an exasperated tone, but Meredith cut her off.

"It's not always about getting ahead. They're all I have; them and Derek. They're my family," she repeated.

Ellis was silent for several moments before continuing. "Have you chosen a specialty yet?"

Meredith breathed a little easier. If her mother was letting it go, then maybe she understood. Maybe she really did want to know things, and really did want her only daughter to be happy. She shook her head. "It's still early."

"Cristina's already chosen cardiothoracics," was Ellis's reply.

"Yeah," Meredith said with a slight nod. "Well, I guess I'm just waiting to be inspired." And it was the truth. There were a few specialties she had ruled out, but many left to choose from. And she was in a spot in her life where she was learning that important decisions like this didn't need to be rushed. "I'm happy now, you know? I feel like I know who I am. I have a family now, and someone in my life who I love, who I really love. And I think that's..." She trailed off for a moment, struggling for the right word. "Special. I think it's really special. And I'm really happy."

Ellis stood, pacing back and forth twice before coming to a stop before her daughter. "What the hell happened to you?"

"I...what?" Meredith stammered, taken aback by her mother's tone.

"You're happy? You're happy now? What happened to you?! I raised you to be a force of nature. I raised you to be a fighter. And here you are five years later stammering on about how I wronged you in the past, about having friends and a boyfriend, about being in love and happy." Ellis had been caught unaware by her daughter's knowledge of her affair and subsequent downfall, but she had recovered now. And she was going in for the kill. She stood, once again resuming her position of authority.

"Mom-" Meredith tried meekly, but it was pointless.

"You've gone soft," Ellis accused. "Inspiration if for the feeble minded, Meredith. It takes someone with drive and initiative to get there without it. I have a disease for which there is no cure. I'd think that would be inspiration enough!"

"Mom-" Meredith tried again.

"Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy, but not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life."

"I'm not doing anything blindly," Meredith argued, but Ellis was beyond listening.

"I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you're no more than ordinary!"

Meredith felt like her mother had slapped her with those words. Her eyes welled as a loud humming took over her auditory system. She barely even heard the rest of Ellis's rant. Of all the things Ellis could have said to her, this was by far the worst.

000

Meredith was still stewing over her mother's words an hour later, when she nearly walked right into her boyfriend.

"Whoa," Derek called as his hands went immediately to her side to steady her. "You have to watch where you're going," he mocked. "You never know who you'll run into..."

She glared at him.

He pursed his lips. "Okay, I'm sensing you're not finding this funny. Should I apologize for almost being run over? Because I will if you need me to."

This caused a hint of a smile to flutter to her lips. "See, this is why my friends say you're whipped."

Derek rolled his eyes. "I am not whipped."

"Whatever."

He narrowed his eyes at her, but changed the subject. "Anyway, I was just on my way to see a patient. It seems the mother of a certain girlfriend of mine has requested my expertise on-"

"Don't go," Meredith cut him off, surprising both herself and Derek at the vulnerability in her tone. When Cristina had mentioned that Ellis had requested a consult with 'the neurosurgeon who had put her in the clinical study,' Meredith's heart had clenched so painfully she was surprised it was still beating. She did not want her mother and her boyfriend in the same room together. It would be like her past and her future colliding, and she knew no good could come of it.

In fact, it actually terrified her.

It was just like her best friend had said. Ellis Grey had ways. And as comfortable and secure as Meredith was in her relationship, she knew her mother.

Derek tilted his head as his expression softened. "Are you okay?"

_I'm fine,_ she wanted to scream. _I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine._ But she wasn't fine. Nothing about this day was fine. Why couldn't things go back to that morning when she had woken up feeling warm and safe and loved in Derek's arms? Her mother didn't make her feel any of those things. In face, Ellis instilled the opposite on her daughter, leaving her feeling cold and vulnerable and unloveable. And ordinary.

"Oh, Mer," Derek whispered, not needing her to respond as he took in her expression.

Meredith forced a deep, painful, breath into her lungs and swallowed hard. She didn't have the luxury of breaking down now. She and Derek were going to deal with this crisis together. He had promised her he was there for her, and she believed him. But that didn't mean she could avoid the person causing the crisis. "I'm fine."

He sighed. "I don't believe you for a second."

"I know. I don't believe me either. But I need to be fine right now."

"Meredith-"

"No," she cut him off. "Today, right now, I need to be fine. And later, when this is over and she's back to being...you know...then I can be not fine. And you can do the dreamy comforting thing you're so good at. But right now...fine." She really needed to be fine. She needed to get through the day and forget that her mother thought she was ordinary. But the numbness was wearing off and she was finding it more and more difficult to be fine; especially with Derek in such close proximity.

He nodded and leaned in to peck her lips. "Okay."

She gripped at his hand and couldn't help but lean close to him, inhaling his comforting scent. If she hugged him, or let him hug her, it would all be over. She would start crying. And she didn't have the luxury of crying right now. But she still needed to be close to him, even if just for a moment.

"So," he ventured when she pulled away. "Is there anything I should know about the patient?"

Meredith couldn't help but smile at his joking tone as she fell into step beside him, heading for her mother's hospital room. "Only that the patient is a bitch."

He snorted. "That's not very professional, Dr. Grey."

She giggled. "Yeah, well...it's the truth."

"What did she say to you?" He was concerned.

"Nothing." If she went into detail, she would risk crying. And if he went in there knowing how upset she was, he would be biased. And Meredith was still hoping Ellis wouldn't recognize him from the nursing home, which may be stupid and desperate but...well, she was desperate.

"Meredith..."

She shook her head. "I'm fine, remember? I can tell you things later, but not now."

He sighed, but nodded, understanding that she wasn't trying to push him away. "Okay." They were getting close to Ellis's room. "Do you...want to come in with me?"

"No," Meredith said quickly. "Then she'll know for sure."

He furrowed his brow. "You don't want her to know about me?"

"She already knows about you, although I'm hoping she doesn't realize it's _you_."

"Meredith-"

"Just...don't get personal, okay?"

"Meredith-"

"Please?"

He sighed. "Don't you think she'd be happy for you?"

Meredith let loose a frustrated breath. Derek loved her, of that she had no doubt. But as much as he was getting better at understanding just how much she couldn't relate to how he had grown up and his relationship with his mother, he didn't grasp that the opposite was true. He couldn't relate to her relationship with Ellis.

"She's not. She doesn't want me to be happy. She wants me to be...well, I don't really know. I would say she wants me to be better than her, but she would hate it if I or anyone was ever better than her."

"But she's your mother."

"Seriously, Derek, how many times do we need to go over this?" She snapped.

He paused, turning to face her. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you. I just..."

"You don't get it," she supplied. "And I understand that. So I really need for you to trust me on this. You need to go in there and be a doctor. And you need to not get personal."

000

Derek pasted his best 'doctor' expression to his face as he entered the hospital room housing his girlfriend's mother. "Hello, Dr. Grey. I'm Derek Shepherd, your neuro consult," he greeted as he closed the door behind him.

Ellis Looked up from her bed, narrowed her eyes at him, but said nothing that claimed she knew him. "Dr. Shepherd. I'm glad you could make it so quickly. I know I bring a unique...situation..."

He offered her a warm smile. She wasn't being obtrusive or confrontational at all. "We always do our best for our own," he replied. It suddenly hit him that technically he was speaking to his girlfriend's mother. And that this could quite possibly be the only real conversation he ever had with the woman who had raised the woman he loved. It wouldn't hurt to butter her up a bit. "Especially for someone of your...stature in the medical community," he added.

She smiled back at him. "That's very kind, Dr. Shepherd."

He approached her bed, lifting her chart off the hook at the end of her bed. "I trust you've already read through this?"

She nodded. "Of course."

"Do you have any questions?"

Ellis did, in fact, have questions. Derek felt more and more relaxed as he smoothly answered every question Ellis came up with. She sat forward in her bed, her mind, which had been mostly turned off for five years, chugging away as she went over every symptom she had ever had. Derek eventually sat at the foot of her bed, comfortable with their rapport.

"What about an fMRI now, while I'm lucid?"

He sighed. On the surface it seemed like a wonderful idea. But it was a popular idea, and he had read half a dozen case studies of this exact situation. The fMRI never came up with anything of use. "It won't be able to show us anything new. No test is going to help us understand what's going on."

Ellis shook her head. "Five years, and you haven't made a single advancement. And there is nothing else you can do for me. I don't know how you do it, work every day with this awful disease..."

Derek hesitated. Meredith had warned him not to get personal. But the woman sitting before him was calm and friendly. He was sure there wouldn't be a problem. "Oh, see, I'm not actually an Alzheimer's specialist. I just took a special interest in this case...because of Meredith."

Ellis's eyes went cold as her face tightened. "It was you."

"Excuse me?"

She glared at him. "This morning. In the nursing home. You were the man with my daughter. You're what happened to her."

"Happened to her? What?" He floundered, completely unprepared for the older woman's bitter accusal.

"You changed her. She was a force of nature, strong, a fighter. Then you came along and crushed her. And now she's unfocused and blabbering on about her boyfriend and her intern friends."

"Dr. Grey, I can assure you-"

"I've seen men like you before; threatened by a woman who's their equal. You don't care about her. You just want someone to admire you. And you don't care about the damage you do to her along the way."

Derek sat frozen for a long moment. He was so shocked by her outburst that he could barely find the brain power to realize just what Meredith had been trying to tell him for so long. Finally, he cleared his throat. Regardless of what the woman thought of him and his intentions, he had to make one thing perfectly clear. "I can assure you, Dr. Grey, that I care a great deal about your daughter."

Ellis scoffed. "You're an attending; a neurosurgeon. And you're older than her. There's only one thing you would want from my daughter."

His blood boiled at her suggestion. "Stop," he commanded.

"Excuse me-"

"No. It's my turn to talk now. I love your daughter more than anything else in the world. I love her so much that I have trouble sleeping without her, that all I want in the world is for her to be happy, and that when she's not happy, it physically hurts me. If anyone happened to someone here, she happened to me. And I'm grateful for it every day. So don't you dare imply what you were implying for even a second."

Ellis sat back, surprised by his outburst. After a moment she met his eyes harshly. "Get out of my room."

Derek let out a frustrated scoff as he stood. He made it halfway to the door before he stopped and turned back to face her. "She's amazing," he practically whispered, gaining Ellis's attention. "She's absolutely amazing, and I just don't understand how you don't see that."

"You don't need to tell me anything about my own daughter," she said coldly.

He shrugged. "Maybe not, but I feel the need to. You may not like me. And you may not approve of my relationship with your daughter, but I need you to know that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it's something a mother should know, or at least should want to know."

Ellis sighed, and remained silent for so long that Derek was about to turn back to the door when she spoke again. "Are you a parent?"

He shook his head. "Not yet."

The implications of his words weren't lost on her, but Ellis chose not to acknowledge them. "Are you married?"

He almost laughed at the question. Ellis had been married when she had an affair with a married man. But that was something she wouldn't expect Derek to know about. "I was. We married young. I was separated before I moved here. I met Meredith, the divorce was finalized, and I moved on with my life."

"Where did you go to school?"

"NYU. Did my residency in New York, too. I went into private practice before I took the position here. Richard was doing his fellowship when I was an intern. Last year he called and offered me head of neuro."

Ellis digested the information with a nod. "Meredith's only an intern."

He nodded. "I know. And I know our relationship can be frowned upon, but we've both agreed it's worth it."

She nodded, as if only now realizing the prospect of an intern-attending relationship had negative effects for the attending as well as the intern. "And you love her."

"Very much."

"Are you planning on marrying her?"

"Absolutely."

"So...are you here for my blessing or something?"

He choked back a laugh as he shook his head. "No. Meredith would kill me if I ever looked for your permission to be with her."

For the first time since learning who he was, Ellis cracked a smile. "You do seem to know her."

He nodded. "I do," he began, only to be cut off by the sound of his pager. "Damnit," he cursed, reaching his hand to tilt his pager upwards. "I need to take this," he explained.

Ellis waved her hand. "Go. I've been there many times."

He nodded, but paused for a moment before leaving. "I know this wasn't the best of circumstances, but I am glad to have met you."

"I think I'm glad to have met you too."


	52. Chapter 52

_**AN: Just to clarifying something from the last chapter that, no matter how many times I re-write the damn thing, never seemed clear... On the show I feel like Meredith was looking for validation from her mother, was looking for love, because she felt unloveable (at least to a degree – even with Derek, seeing as the only time she said it he left her for Addison). However, in this universe she's much more secure and knows that at least one person (Derek) loves her, so it gives her validation. It gave her the confidence to stand up to her mother. **_

_**Also, I was taken by the way Ellis (to Richard in the show) said that she wanted to be happy 'like Meredith says she's happy.' This is really where her talk with Derek came it. I always thought Derek should have at least tried to stand up for himself and Meredith, and that Ellis would respect that. It wasn't so much that she was being nice to Derek in the last chapter, just more tolerant. (If this confused anyone, and you can tell me what I could do to be more detailed in this part of my writing, I would really appreciate it! I'm trying to work on my writing so that I could (maybe/hopefully) do this for real one day.) Thanks!**_

_**

* * *

**_

"Meredith!"

Meredith turned at the sound of her name to see her best friend hurrying down the hall towards her.

"Seriously, Meredith, you're not easy to find today," Cristina complained.

Meredith shrugged. "You could have paged me."

"Well, I assumed you'd stick close to your mother's room, and..." She trailed off as she noticed Meredith's attire. "I thought the Chief gave you the day off?"

Meredith ran her hands self-consciously over her scrubs. "Yeah, well, that was before he and an entire surgical team passed out from a toxic patient."

"What?"

She sighed and quickly explained the situation to her friend.

"Cool. And you get to help?"

Meredith sighed again. Only Cristina would think this whole thing was cool. "Well, I'm trying to help. By the time I got there everyone was being taken care of. So there's not much to do now..."

"Good."

"Good?" She raised an eyebrow.

Cristina nodded. "You need to go talk to your mother."

And exasperated noise escaped Meredith's lips. "Why does everyone think I need to talk to her?"

"Because she wants to kill herself."

Normally Meredith would overlook Cristina's crude comment. Normally she would be able to read between the lines and understand what was really being said. Normally Cristina could say anything without Meredith blinking an eye.

But this was not normal. "She what?" She asked, her heart clenching as she flashed back to being five years old. The pain, the confusion, the fear. The blood.

Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Cristina shrugged, not noticing Meredith's reaction. "She needs a radio-ablation, but she wants to turn it down. I told her it was your decision, but she wants to talk to you about it."

"She doesn't want it," Meredith whispered.

"Nope. And I guess I can see where she's coming from. I probably wouldn't want to live either if I couldn't be a surgeon anymore. But you'd think someone like Ellis Grey would have a little more faith in the medical community. Hell, she wouldn't even notice if twenty years went by. There's really no downside for her..."

Meredith stopped listening to her best friend as the words became harder and harder to hear. Her mother didn't want to live. Her mother wanted to actively stop something that would save her life.

Her mother wanted to die.

Again.

And she thought Meredith was ordinary.

"Meredith? Are you even listening to me?"

She nodded numbly. "Yeah."

Cristina huffed. "It doesn't seem like it."

"Whatever. Just tell her..." She trailed off as she realized she had no idea what to say.

"No, I'm not telling her anything. _You_ need to talk to her."

"Why?"

"Because she's your mother," Cristina said simply. It was odd to Meredith, to hear such a simple statement regarding family come out of her best friend's mouth. Cristina didn't tolerate her own mother.

She sighed heavily. "Fine."

"Good. Just page me after. I'm going to go see what's going on."

Meredith nodded absently as Cristina hurried to find out more about the situation in OR2. The last thing she wanted to do was confront her mother and discuss reasons to live.

She hadn't been enough the first time.

A sob threatened to escape her lips, but she swallowed it. She still had to be fine.

Whatever this day threw at her, she had to be fine.

000

Ellis was only feet away. All Meredith had to do was swallow her fears and enter the room she had left in shock two hours prior. With a deep breath, and a prayer to whoever may be listening, Meredith pushed open the door.

Her mother's eyes snapped up at her entrance. "Ah, you've finally decided to come back."

Meredith swallowed hard. "I was...helping," she muttered, waving a hand at her outfit. "There's a...situation with a toxic patient..."

Ellis paused as she took in Meredith's new attire. And then she nodded approvingly. "You look good in scrubs."

She hesitated, not wanting to fall for any more niceness from her mother. She had been crushed earlier, and couldn't handle that again. "Thanks."

"But we both know you came here for a reason."

Meredith nodded numbly, not wanting to be having this conversation. "Cristina told me about the radio-ablation."

"It should be my choice, Meredith."

"You signed power of attorney over to me," she pointed out. "I had to get a notary and a psychiatrist to attest to your mental ability and everything, so it's not like I-"

"I don't care what you did or didn't do, Meredith. I'm lucid now, and perfectly capable of making this decision. And that means you should respect it."

"Normally, I would agree. But I don't think refusing surgery is what you want to do..."

"Apparently what I want doesn't matter!" Ellis snapped. "It isn't even legally binding. So it's really about what you want, Meredith. You're in charge."

Meredith felt tears well in her eyes for the umpteenth time that day. She wished more than anything that she would wake up in Derek's arms to find this was all just a horrible dream. She finally turned to her mother. "You think I like making these decisions for you? Do you think it's fun to get calls from the nursing home asking if it's okay to change your medication? Asking if I'm planning on giving the nurse, who changes you every morning, a Christmas tip? No. It's not," she practically spat, gaining courage from her mother's silence. "But I do it. I do it because there is nobody else, because you have managed to alienate everybody else in your life. And I am all that's left. So, I have to step up and do it."

"Then let me refuse the surgery," Ellis cut in. "If I'm such a hassle-"

"No!" Meredith demanded.

"Why not?"

"Because killing my mother will not be another thing that happens to me."

Ellis sighed, exasperated. "You wouldn't be killing me, Meredith."

"Yes, it would. This isn't like sighing a DNR for you. This is actively refusing a simple procedure that will save your life."

"What life, Meredith? I don't have a life. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. What's the point in prolonging this?"

A sob bubbled up inside her, and she was barely able to pass it off as a cough when it forced itself out of her chest. "You've thought that before," she practically whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

"Meredith, I told you I didn't want to talk about any of that."

This only fuelled Meredith's arguments. "You want to know why I'm so unfocussed? So...ordinary?" She practically choked on the term. "You want to know what happened to me? You. You happened to me. Not Derek. Not my friends. You."

"Meredith, honestly, stop being so melodramatic."

She shook her head, tears now spilling onto her cheeks. "You crushed every hope and dream I ever had. You taught me love and friendship didn't exist. You never talked to me about anything important. You never showed up for anything important. You sat back when..." She trailed off, unable to continue.

"No one's childhood is perfect, Meredith."

"Most children don't have to see what I did," Meredith whispered. "Most children hear their parents tell them they love them."

"I raised you to be different."

"Extraordinary. I know. And apparently I've disappointed you."

"Meredith-"

She was freely crying in front of her mother now, but the woman already thought she was ordinary, so she doubted she could say anything too damaging. "And I'm sorry I'm so ordinary to you. But even if I have friends and am _blindly in love_, I'm still a surgeon, and I thought that would mean something to you. I went to Dartmouth and I got into the same surgical program as you. And even if it's been hard, I love the program."

"I'm just saying that you need to have priorities, Meredith."

"You know what I've discovered about your priorities? They're wrong. They're flat out wrong. Do you know what it's like to actually celebrate a holiday? To have someone to go to when you've had a bad day? To have someone tell you how much they love you? Do you have any idea how important those things actually are?"

"They're not important for everyone."

"Well, they're important for me," Meredith stated. "They're important now, and they always will be. And you raised me not to believe in any of, which means I can't help but feel guilty for saying these things to you, which is completely stupid. But it's how I feel. And regardless of the fact that you've done and said horrible things to me, you're still my mother." Meredith hesitated slightly before continuing. "You're my mother, and I love you."

Ellis didn't speak. She sat, shocked by her daughter's admission, for several moments; it wasn't a term that had ever been voiced between them. And when she finally looked like she was going to respond Meredith held up a hand.

"Please don't say anything. I don't want to hear you say something else. And I don't want to hear you say it back, because I know you wouldn't mean it, because you don't believe it. But just know...that I believe in it, and I mean it. Because you're my mother."

"And you're my daughter," Ellis responded.

Meredith nodded, knowing that would be the closest she would ever get to hearing what she had spent her entire childhood wanting.

"But Meredith, about the surgery..."

She shook her head. "I can't. I just...can't." And with that she turned and left the room.

000

Back in her street clothes, with her damp hair up, Meredith staggered out of her mother's room for the third time that day. The first she had been numb and confused, the second defeated, but now she was...there wasn't even a word for what she was. It had taken her so much effort to find the strength to go back to her mother, to explain why she wouldn't let her refuse the surgery. But it had all been a waste. Ellis Grey was gone again.

And all Meredith wanted to do was curl into a ball and make the rest of the world go away.

She needed to find Derek and go home.

She had heard the individuals still recovering from their neurotoxin exposure were being housed in the clinic, so she headed there. It had been terrifying to watch Derek collapse in surgery. And she hadn't seen him since she had assured herself he was okay and let him be wheeled away.

Now she needed to see him. She needed to be near him. Regardless of where he was, or what he was doing, or who was around.

The clinic was full of hospital staff who had been exposed to the neurotoxin, as well as nurses who had been brought down from the hospital floors to watch over them. She didn't see Derek anywhere and her heart clenched in sudden anxiety and dread. He couldn't not be okay. She couldn't handle that today.

"Oh, Dr. Grey. Have you come down to help?"

Meredith blinked as she turned to face a nurse whose name she would normally know. She slowly shook her head. "No. I... Is Derek here, uh, I mean Dr. Shepherd... I came looking for Dr. Shepherd. I thought everyone exposed was here."

The nurse offered her a sympathetic smile. "They didn't bring him down here. But I did hear that some staff were being kept up on two."

Meredith nodded her thanks and numbly following the corridors back to the elevators, barely even able to feel guilty for not helping. And she didn't even notice she had boarded the elevator until the doors were opening to the second floor.

She had never found herself so disoriented in the hospital before.

"Dr. Grey? Are you okay?" Asked another nurse whose name she would normally know.

Meredith blinked twice as she processed the concerned words. "I...I'm looking for Dr. Shepherd..." She stammered.

The nurse offered her a supportive smile and nodded. "He's just around the corner," she said, pointing to the left. "And he and Dr. Burke are doing just fine."

"Thank-you," Meredith breathed, feeling as if her lungs could expand again. She followed the nurse's directions, and felt more relief than she knew possible when she spotted Derek down the hall, sitting up on the edge of a gurney, joking with Burke and Addison. He had an oxygen mask in his hands, but didn't seem to be using it.

Like she was a magnet, his gaze shifted in her direction and he smiled. But his expression quickly grew concerned as she approached. "Hey," he said softly. "Are you okay?"

She just stared at him, reaching a hand out to grip his arm, assuring herself that he really was okay.

He hesitated. "Your mother?"

She shook her head.

He understood. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head again. She couldn't do this here. Not in the middle of the hospital. Not with his ex-wife feet away. "Are you okay?" She croaked.

He offered her his best McDreamy smile. "I'm good."

Meredith smiled back, feeling the numbness fade away. "Good. You weren't all that conscious last time I saw you."

He lifted a hand to her face. "I knew you were there. It made me feel better."

It was too much for her, and tears suddenly threatened to spill over her lower lids.

"Oh, Mer," he said apologetically. "I'm so sorry."

She shook her head, wanting to pull away and hide, but he pulled her down onto the gurney next to him and wrapped his arms around her.

Clutching at his scrub top, she buried her face into his chest and tried not to sob.

His hands found her back, and he ran them up and down her spine, calming her. "I love you," he murmured into her hair.

"You too," she whispered, breathing him in. It never failed to shock her just how much she needed him at times like these. And it never failed to surprise her how much she liked having him there, how not scary it was to rely on him.

His lips pressed against the top of her head. "Why don't we get you home?"

She finally found the strength to lift her head. "But you're still on oxygen..."

He waved off her concern. "I've barely been using it."

She narrowed her eyes; she wasn't about to let him belittle his own health so that she could break down at home instead of at the hospital. "Really?"

He nodded. "Would I lie to you?"

"About this? Absolutely."

He smirked and pecked her lips. "You know me too well." He was trying to keep the conversation light for her, and she loved him for it. He was going to help her get out of the hospital without breaking down.

"Okay."

He smirked again. "I just need to get changed, but you can come and watch if you want..."

She rolled her eyes, but followed his movements as he stood. There was no way she was going to let him out of her sight right now.

000

It took the better part of an hour for Derek to get changed, sign off on the one patient he had had that day, and get himself and Meredith home. The relief Meredith had felt when she had collapsed onto the passenger seat of Derek's car doubled when she finally set foot in the door of her house.

The car ride home was spent mostly in silence. Derek seemed to understand that she needed to be at home before they discussed anything. He did, however, make sure to grip tightly to her hand for the majority of the drive, which Meredith was exceedingly grateful for.

It made her feel loved.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Derek questioned.

She shook her head as she took off her shoes. The thought of being in the kitchen made her nauseous.

"Do you want...anything?"

She looked up at him, her heart constricting at his concerned expression. "Just you," she whispered.

He smiled at her words and took her hand as he led her upstairs to their bedroom.

Meredith pushed open the door, immediately stripped down to her underwear and crawled under the covers. Derek was obviously concerned as he followed suit in stripping down to his boxers and crawling into bed beside her.

"Meredith," he whispered, concern lining his voice as he shuffled close to her.

She lay on her back, staring upwards at the ceiling. The numbness was back, filling her mind and making her head feel heavy.

His hand found her abdomen and rubbed back and forth, trying to offer her some comfort. "It's okay to not be fine now, Mer," he reminded.

She nodded, still not turning to look at him, and the ceiling became blurry as tears filled her eyes.

"Do you want me to start?" He offered, his voice forcefully light. "I'm sure you'd love to hear what your mother had to say to me..."

Meredith finally managed to turn her head towards him, grateful for what he was doing for her. He would wait until she was ready to speak. "I guess you couldn't help yourself."

"I got personal," he admitted. "But in my defence, your mother is very good at creating a false sense of security."

"That's what I've been telling you. What did she say?"

"Apparently I'm intimidated by you, because you're my equal. And I'm only looking for someone to admire me."

Meredith laughed weakly. "Is that better or worse than her calling you a stammering idiot?" She asked, referring to one of the times he had accompanied her to the nursing home and Ellis, believing him to be one of her interns, had laid into him.

He laughed. "Worse, because this time I can't say it's the Alzheimer's speaking. She also tried to kick me out of her room."

"Why?"

"Well..." He hesitated, "She seemed to think I was only looking for one thing from you, and that I didn't care about the damage I did to you."

Meredith snorted. "How can she say that? She did so much damage to me that I doubt there's anything left for anyone else to damage, certainly not you." She shook her head, and missed the looked of pride on Derek's face at her words. "And she kicked you out?"

"Tried to," he repeated. "I stood my ground."

She cocked an eyebrow. "What did you say?"

"I just told her how much I loved you, and that I wasn't going anywhere. I think we came to an understanding."

"She decided she liked you?"

"Mmm, not exactly. More that we didn't like each other, but that I wasn't going anywhere. She did ask me some questions about myself. Wanted to know where I went to school and stuff. And...she asked me if I planned on marrying you."

Meredith looked at him in surprise. "What did you say?"

He met her eyes dead on. "I told her yes."

She nodded, feeling tears run down her cheeks. He really loved her that much, really wanted to marry her. "Good," she whispered.

Derek smiled. "She also asked if I was there for her blessing, and I told her no, that you would kill me if that was the case."

"Good," she repeated, louder than before. "I would have." And it was the truth. If her world didn't feel like it was spinning out of control right now, she would probably be annoyed at him for going against her wishes and getting personal in the first place.

"And that's about it," he whispered. It was her cue to talk.

She nodded several times, ignoring the tears that streamed steadily down her cheeks.

"Mer," he prompted tenderly, shuffling himself closer so that he was on his side, right beside her, his arm hooked around her waist. He was propping his head up, and his chin was brushing against her shoulder.

"She...called me ordinary," she whispered.

He laughed, not understanding how much impact those words had for her. "Ordinary? Seriously? You're so far from ordinary, Meredith, I couldn't even tell you..."

She tried to smile at his words. They were comforting, even if he didn't understand. "I'm supposed to be extraordinary," she mumbled to herself.

His breath was warm against her cheek as he snuggled even closer. "Mmm, extraordinary barely even begins to describe you. You're definitely an outlier." He pressed his lips against her cheek. "And I love you for it."

The dam inside her gave way, allowing a current of memories and emotions to cascade through her cortex and limbic system, bumping and smashing against each other as wave after wave of pain washed over her. There were some things from her childhood that she never let herself think about. And this was number one.

"Meredith?" Derek's concerned voice flooded her brain. He was clueing in to her reaction. "Mer, what's wrong? What did I say?"

A sob escaped her mouth, and then another. And another. She turned onto her side, facing him, and buried her face in his chest. "I...I...I..."

"Shhhh," he soothed. "Don't try to talk now. It's okay. I love you and I'm here."

She had no idea how much time passed as she cried into his chest. He held her close and rubbed her back and whispered comforting phrases into her hair. Everything inside her hurt so much, but he was making her feel better. He was keeping her grounded, was reminding her she wasn't alone.

When she could finally begin to breathe normally again her chest hurt, her heart ached and her throat was raw. Her face felt puffy and hot, and she couldn't even bring herself to meet his eyes when she spoke. "She thinks I'm ordinary." Her voice was flat and defeated.

"Then she's insane," he countered. "No one in their right mind could ever see you as ordinary." His words were stern and confident. He recognized the importance of the term, even if he didn't know its origins.

"But she's supposed to think I'm extraordinary. It's what she told me. It's the only thing that was important to her."

"When?"

Another sob bubbled inside her at his question. This wasn't something she had ever expected to tell anyone about. This was the darkest memory she had, and the thought of sharing it was terrifying. It would make it more real. It had been buried inside of her for so long, but now it was pressing against the confines of her mind, waiting to be exposed. And she was terrified.

"Meredith?"

"It was the last thing she said to me..."

"Today?"

She shook her head.

"Then when?" He asked, pulling away enough to meet her eyes. His were lined with concern and love. He was trying so hard to understand.

"When I was five," she stammered. "It's the last thing she told me before...before..." She hiccupped painfully as another sob tried to escape. Derek's face was a smorgasbord of emotions; shock, worry, anticipation. He knew something bad was coming.

"Before what?" He whispered.

She shook her head, unable to form a single word. Her chest ached as her diaphragm contracted, preventing her from breathing properly.

"Oh, Mer..." He murmured, raising a hand to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay."

"No," she gasped. "It's not okay. Nothing about this is okay. I can't be ordinary, Derek. I can't. I can't. I can't."

"Shh," he soothed, cutting her off before she started hyperventilating. "You need to breathe," he murmured. "You're starting to scare me."

"I'm sorry," she cried, guilt flooding her. She was a whiny, pathetic mess, and now she was scaring her perfect boyfriend because she couldn't even talk.

"Hey, it's okay," he assured, noticing her reaction immediately. "I'm always going to worry, Meredith. It's my job."

"Promise me," she demanded, latching onto only a part of his words.

"That I'm always going to worry?"

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Just the always part."

He clicked his tongue. "I thought the always part was kind of obvious now."

"That was before I was ordinary."

"Meredith, look at me," he demanded. "I need you to open your eyes."

She did so, slowly.

He smiled tenderly at her, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears from under her eyes. "I love you, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, whether you want me or not, so stop worry about that. I don't care what your mother told you today, Meredith, but you don't have a single ounce of normal in your entire body."

Her diaphragm relaxed and she was able to take a deep breath again. The integrity of his tone and eyes gave her the strength to believe him.

He cocked his head as best he could from his position. "Tell me what happened when you were five," he whispered.

Her heart was constricting painfully, but she knew she could tell him. "My mother tried to kill herself," she whispered back.

Derek's mouth part in a gasp, but no air actually came out. He remained silent as he waited for her to continue.

She took a shaky breath. "It was after Thatcher left, a couple weeks after Richard dumped her in the park. She brought a scalpel home from work one day..." New tears flooded her eyes as she relived the horrible memories.

"Fuck, Meredith, I'm so sorry," he offered, wrapping both arms securely around her and pulling her to his chest. There was more to the story, he knew, but he needed her to be closer. He hadn't been lying when he told Ellis that Meredith's unhappiness caused him physical pain.

Pressed up against his warm body, with his strong arms around her, Meredith felt safer than she had since her phone had rung that morning. I was playing on the floor in the kitchen. She sat beside me and made me promise that, no matter what happened, I wouldn't call nine-one-one. She made me promise."

"It's okay," he murmured, rubbing her back.

She gasped for a breath. "And then she slit her wrists. I...I can still see the look on her face. So clinical. So silent. She didn't even flinch. And there was so much blood. So much. It was everywhere. And I was terrified. I knew what it meant."

"What kind of a person would do that in front of their child?" He muttered.

Meredith swallowed hard. "And she sat there, bleeding, and looked me right in the eye. And she told me to be extraordinary. _Be extraordinary, Meredith_," she mumbled absently.

He sighed noticeably as he absorbed the knowledge of just why Ellis's words had such an impact on her.

"After she passed out I called nine-one-one. And I got dish towels and tried to stop the bleeding. I...I knew enough to try and stop the bleeding... I knew to use pressure... And the paramedics showed up. And they wouldn't let me help..."

"My God," Derek whispered. "You must have been terrified."

If she hadn't already spent so much time crying, she would have burrowed herself deeper into Derek's chest and cried and cried and cried. But she didn't have any tears left. Slowly, she pulled back to meet his eyes. They were bluer than she could ever remember.

"I'm so sorry that had to happen to you, Meredith."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Me too." She ran her hand absently along the thin space of fabric between them until he pulled an arm away from her to catch her stray hand, entwining their fingers together.

"I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

"What happened after?" He ventured.

"They took her to Mercy West. She threatened to sue the hospital if word ever got out. And then she moved us to Boston to get away."

"I meant...what happened with you?"

Of course he would wonder. "Uh...they took me to the hospital with her, but wouldn't let me stay with her when we got there. They left me in a doctor's lounge for a long time as they waited for social services. I...I can remember sitting there. I was alone. And terrified. And still covered in her blood. I think they were afraid to talk to me. Eventually a social worker showed up. She had some clothes for me to change into. They were too big. I can still remember that I could barely walk without the pants falling down. And the shirt was almost down to my knees..." She sniffed. "They wouldn't let me see her."

"Where did they take you?" He asked cautiously.

She sighed. "To a group home. I stayed for about a week before she was cleared and out of the hospital."

"That must have been confusing."

Meredith nodded. "I don't think I spoke a word the whole time I was there. They didn't tell me things. I...I think I thought my mother was dead. But then she came and picked me up, and it was all over."

He furrowed his brow. "It was all over?"

"Yeah. She never talked about it after."

"She never talked about it at all?"

"Nope. She took me home and everything was back to normal."

He released a frustrated sigh. "I wish I had known this before. I would have had more to say to her."

She had to smile at his attitude, even as she was shaking her head. "It wouldn't change anything."

"But it would make me feel better."

Meredith almost laughed, but instead snuggled close to him again, suddenly exhausted. "Not much makes it better."

He released her hand to wrap his arm around her waist again, pulling her against his chest. "What can I do to make it better?"

For the first time that evening, Meredith felt a true smile flutter to her lips. "You're already doing it."

"But-"

"Seriously, Derek, you just being here with me is enough to make all of the crap from my childhood seem less important."

He breathed in and out several times, and she was beginning to think he was going to respond when he finally spoke up. "I'm sorry I never realized just how bad she could be to you. I tried... I thought I understood..."

"It's okay," she reassured. "It's who you are, Derek. You always want to see good in people."

"Mmm," he agreed. "I see good in you. Lots and lots of good." He snuggled his nose into her neck and kissed her clavicle several times.

Meredith closed her arms around him, taking a moment to simply be still, holding him close to her. "Why does she still have so much control over me?" She whispered.

He sighed against her skin, his breath warm. "Because she's your mother."

She almost laughed at his statement; it was one she had heard many times today, from many people. But it had never made as much sense as it did leaving his lips. "I don't want to be like she wants me to be. I don't want to be like her."

"You're not." His voice was quiet, but certain.

Meredith released her tight hold on him and moved back to meet his gaze. "I love you." Being able to say and mean that was the most important way she could use to prove to herself that she wasn't anything like her mother.

He smiled. "I love you too."

It was going to be a long night; she could tell. She was exhausted, but still on an emotional rollercoaster. She wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. And she knew Derek wasn't about to let himself sleep knowing she was still awake. Still, she turned in his arms, pressing her back against his chest. He responded easily, snuggling close and wrapping an arm over her waist.

"Tomorrow will be better, right?" She murmured.

"I doubt it could get much worse."

* * *

_**AN: So, a dark Meredith chapter. But isn't it better it happened today and not tomorrow?**_

_**Author's Rant: Okay, so I have heard/read a few people ranting about Grey's stealing their ideas. But seriously, about Derek's dad... I was totally going to go there. And it was supposed to have been in this chapter. And I was LITERALLY sitting on the couch WITH my laptop, working on this chapter while watching last night's episode. Seriously! Why couldn't that little tidbit have waited till next week?! Oh, and I also didn't exactly like that Meredith's response to how Derek's dad died was 'It was just a bad day all around.' Seriously, who would say that? It's not exactly what I would call supportive... Anyway, Derek's sharing was cut from this chapter because it just felt unimportant now.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	53. Chapter 53

Her patient struggled unexpectedly.

It caught her off guard, but she didn't have time to chastise herself as she staggered backwards, struggling to catch her balance. Her heel caught the ledge of the pier, and suddenly she was falling, her last sight a fleeting glance of the small blond girl that reminded her so much of herself at that age.

Alone.

Afraid.

Lost.

The free fall to the water was too short to be scary, but also didn't allow Meredith to prepare for the impact. Her head and backs of her shoulders hit first, sending shockwaves of pain through her back, neck and arms. When her descent finally stopped, she was overwhelmed with heaviness as water pushed at her from all directions.

It was dark.

Cold.

She was completely disoriented, having no idea which way was up.

Panic washed over her and she gasped inadvertently. The cold water seared her lungs and she tried to scream, which only led to more water entering her respiratory system. It hurt; but not quite as much as the first time.

Her body was twisted, suspended. Stuck. Surrounded by cold, dark water.

_It had only been hours before that she had been surrounded by warm, clear water._

_Neither she nor Derek had slept much the night before. She had been struggling with the impact of her mother's lucid words. Derek had been uncomfortable, trying to be there for her, while dealing with a lingering headache and sense of nausea from the toxic scare the previous day. _

_It had still been dark when they had finally given up on getting any real sleep._

_Derek's arm tightened around her as he snuggled closer, his breath warm on the back of her neck. "You're not sleeping."_

_Meredith smiled to herself. "Neither are you."_

_"Touché." _

_She giggled before sobering. "I'm tired, but...not."_

_"Hmm, very decisive."_

_Meredith smiled to herself, grateful that he was trying so hard to make her smile. "I love you," she whispered, unable to not say it in that moment._

_"Mmm, I love you too," he whispered back before pressing his lips into her neck._

_With a sigh, Meredith turned in his arms, offering him a small smile when she met his eyes. Her mother's words had crushed her the previous day, and she had laid her heart on the line when she had told Derek her most darkest secret. But he was still there beside her. And the look in his eyes told her he would be there always; no matter how many deep, dark secrets she revealed._

_"I can't sleep," she admitted._

_He smiled back. "Me either."_

_"I can't stop thinking about...everything."_

_"Mmm," he murmured, lifting a hand to brush the hair out of her eyes. "I'm sorry."_

_She shrugged awkwardly from her position. "It's not your fault."_

_"I'm still sorry you had to go through all of that."_

_"Yeah," she sighed. "Me too." She had never allowed herself to be sorry, because she had grown up believing that being sorry about it was akin to feeling sorry for herself. And that was something Meredith Grey wasn't able to be. But now she was sorry that she had gone through what she had. She was sorry she hadn't been born to a mother like Derek's, a mother who loved and cared and wanted nothing more than happiness for her children. She was sorry, but she wasn't wallowing in self pity. She wasn't going to live regretting what her mother had done to her, because that would allow Ellis to ruin her whole life._

_Meredith was moving on. She wanted to live the rest of her life free from her mother's voice in her head. Meredith was determined to have a bright future._

_"I have an idea," Derek said suddenly._

_"What?"_

_He said nothing, simply kissing her quickly and then rolling out of bed._

_"Where are you going?"_

_"Patience, woman," he called as he disappeared into the bathroom._

_"Don't call me woman!" She yelled after him as she giggled to herself. Every once in a while he would use some stereotypical pet name as a joke, and even though she knew it was a joke, and went along with it by giving him shit, it still made her heart flutter. Because he loved her that much._

_He was only gone for a couple minutes, and she heard water running before he stepped back into their bedroom. She narrowed her eyes at him as he appeared before her. "What are you doing?"_

_"_We_ are going to take a bath."_

_She tried to bite back the smile threatening across her lips. "We are, huh?"_

_He nodded, stepping closer to the bed and pulling the blankets off of her. "We're obviously not going to get back to sleep," he explained. "And we could use some relaxation. It's not going to be an easy day."_

_Meredith shook her head in agreement. It wasn't going to be a good day. Her mother's heart surgery was relatively straight forward, and was being performed by one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the country, but she knew she would still be anxious throughout her shift. And she wouldn't even have any surgeries of her own to keep her mind occupied, as she would be stuck in triage drills all day. _

_And even if she didn't have triage drills, she knew her resident and Chief of Surgery wouldn't let her near a patient with a scalpel today, no matter how many times she insisted she was fine to work. _

_She mock glared up at him as she found herself exposed to the cool morning air, as he had removed all of her blankets. "It's cold."_

_He nodded. "Hence the warm bath."_

_Meredith made a show of sighing as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and stood. "Fine."_

_Derek rolled his eyes in good nature, and reached for her as she neared. "Stubborn," he mumbled, his hands finding her hips as he ducked his head, pressing his nose and lips into the wave of hair by the crook of her neck and inhaling deeply. "Stubborn, stubborn woman..."_

_She giggled, looping her arms around his neck. "I told you not to call me that..."_

_"Which one; stubborn or woman?"_

_"Both."_

_He laughed. "But both are true."_

_"No, they're not."_

_Derek smirked. "So, you're not a woman? Because I could swear you have a-"_

_"Derek!" She exclaimed, swiping a hand at him. "You so know what I meant. Stop being an ass."_

_He laughed. "Sorry."_

_She rolled her eyes. "No, you're not."_

_Using his hand to pull her hair away from her neck, his lips moved over her smooth skin. "I kind of am. Let me show you just how sorry I am..."_

_"Derek," she moaned his name. "I thought...bath...water running..."_

_He groaned and reluctantly pulled away. "Bath first."_

_Meredith let him lead her into the bathroom, and sighed in content as he slipped into the bath behind her, his strong arms encircling her waist. She leaned her back against him, smiling as he nuzzled his chin into the crook of her neck. "This was a good idea," she told him as she ran her fingers through the excess of bubbles floating on top of the water._

_"Mmm," he agreed. "Anything that involves you naked is a good idea."_

_"Ah, now I get it. This wasn't a supportive boyfriend thing. You had ulterior motives."_

_Derek laughed out loud. "You caught me," he said wryly. _

The frigid water of Elliot Bay was so cold that it felt like a different substance against Meredith's body, such a far reach from the warmth of the bath water that morning. And dark. So dark.

Her body stopped twisting, and for a moment she froze, suspended in the never ending dark abyss of her new environment. And then, as if on autopilot, she began struggling upwards, her arms and legs moving and kicking and clawing awkwardly.

And just when she thought she couldn't wait another moment without drawing a breath, her head broke the surface of the water.

She gasped and sputtered for a long moment, before she was back under the surface, cold water once again rushing down her trachea. But that one moment of freedom from the dark, unrelenting waters was enough to make her fight upwards again. And this time when she broke the surface, she managed to stay there.

It was hard, and her energy level was draining fast. She didn't know how long she could do this.

She didn't know how to swim.

She was supposed to learn. And the irony of the situation failed to miss her, despite her situation. A month and a half from now, she and Derek were supposed to be traveling south, to go swim with the fishes, as she had so eloquently put it. And Derek had promised to take her swimming in his pond when the water was warmer. And that should only have been weeks away.

_"So, are you really serious about going south?" Derek asked suddenly._

_Meredith looked up from her textbook, glancing beside her. She and Derek had been sitting side by side in bed for close to an hour, her studying a medical textbook and him reading a Seattle magazine. "You mean our vacation to swim with the fishes?"_

_He laughed. "Exactly."_

_She nodded. "Of course. I've never been on a romantic vacation with a boy before."_

_Derek smirked. "Me neither."_

_Meredith rolled her eyes. "Why do I put up with you?"_

_"Because you love me," he quipped._

_She grumbled to herself, biting back a smile._

_Dropping his magazine to his lap, Derek hooked an arm around her waist and scooted closer. "I heard back from my request form today," he explained. "I got the full two weeks off after your test."_

_Meredith let her smile come through. "That's great. We can go to New York _and_ somewhere tropical."_

_"Mmm," he agreed._

_She sighed and dropped her book, leaning into Derek's warmth. "I can't wait. It'll mean this stupid test is over. I spent eight years in school after high school. I don't want to freaking study anymore."_

_"You do know the test is more than two months away, right?"_

_"Yeah, but Cristina is a freaking slave driver about studying. She gave me a list of books and chapters and deadlines so we can discuss everything to death."_

_He chuckled. "Well, you'll have a stress free vacation to look forward to."_

_"No, I'll have a stressful trip to New York to look forward to first. And then a stress free vacation...that is if your family doesn't kill me first..."_

_"They're going to love you. And you shouldn't be worried, Mer. You've already met one sister, and talked to my mother...twice... You'll be fine."_

_She rolled her eyes and smacked him at his reference to the second time she had spoken to his mother; a conversation she still had absolutely no memory of. "Stupid morphine," she mumbled under her breath._

_"Ah, don't say that. You were cute on the morphine."_

_"And, apparently, completely uninhibited."_

_He laughed. "That was what was so cute."_

_She made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and buried her face in her hands._

_Derek's arm tightened around her, and he leaned close to press his lips against the side of her head. "I love you," he reminded._

_"I love you too," she mumbled back._

_"So," he prompted, trying to get her back to his original topic. "We need to decide where we want to go."_

_"Somewhere warm and tropical. With fishes to swim with."_

_He rolled his eyes. "That doesn't really narrow it down."_

_"And somewhere with a beach. And a big, soft bed..."_

_"Meredith," he groaned. "You're not helping."_

_She giggled and turned to face him, meeting his gaze. "Honestly, Derek, I don't care where we go. I'm just excited to be going away with you."_

_He beamed at her, and she couldn't help but smile back. "We'll have to get some brochures or something."_

_"M'kay," she agreed. "And we still need to do the swimming thing."_

_"When it's warmer," he promised. "There's no hurry."_

Meredith tried to scream for help, but she barely made a noise. Her lungs felt so heavy, like a bad cough where you're hacking up mucous, except so, so much worse. It felt like there was a vice around her chest, pressing the oxygen out of her. It was so tight that she couldn't cough, could barely breathe at all.

She tried screaming for help again, using all available energy, but this time the pause of activity she took for her attempt caused her to go under again.

And it took longer for her to get back to the surface this time.

It was then that she realized how cold she was, how overwhelming the low temperature of the water was to her unprotected body. Her fingers and toes were going numb, and she knew that her arms and legs couldn't be far behind.

There was no way she could call for help. She needed to get herself out of the water, and fast.

The pier seemed so far away, even though it couldn't be more than two dozen feet, if that at all. Kicking her legs to keep her head above water, Meredith tried to use her arms to move towards the dock. But try as she might, she didn't seem to be moving.

She let out a strangled sob of frustration before tilting herself in the water and trying again. Derek had told her swimming was about coordination. She had to be doing something wrong.

A wave washed over her, taking advantage of her new position, and drew her under once again.

This time there was a horrifying moment where she didn't think she would find the surface again. It was cold, so cold.

Meredith gasped weakly as she met air again. If her slowly numbing body had any extra energy left she would be crying. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Not when she had a career and friends and a man who loved her. Not when she had a life, a future.

She and Derek were supposed to have a future.

They were supposed to move out of her mother's house.

They were supposed to get married.

They were supposed to build their dream house on his land.

They were supposed to start a family.

They were supposed to be together for decades.

Less than a year was not enough.

It wasn't supposed to end this way.

Her saturated scrubs were starting to feel heavy, pulling her downwards. "No," she tried to cry, forcing her heavy arms and legs to keep working. It couldn't end this way.

She couldn't just disappear like this, swallowed by the frigid ocean waters, possibly never to be seen again.

Her last interaction with her friends couldn't be an unacknowledged pause beside an ambulance.

Her last interaction with Derek couldn't be a few exchanged words in the middle of a disaster.

_"Derek," she called as she hurried up to his familiar form._

_He glanced away from the wound he was dressing to meet her eyes, offering her a supportive smile. "Hey. You got a free hand? Hold this bandage for me."_

_"Yeah," she murmured, reaching her arm in front of him to hold down the bandage. _

_He went to work on the patient, his practiced hands making easy work of securing the dressing._

_Meredith sighed as she took the moment to breathe, taking comfort from his closeness._

_"You alright?" He asked worriedly._

_She nodded. "Yeah; it's just a lot." And it really was. The noise and chaos of the situation was near overwhelming status. It was her first mass casualty in her medical career, and probably wouldn't be her last. She hoped she could one day handle it like Derek. She knew he'd be more affected later, but right now he was the picture of calm self-assuredness. "I just can't believe..."_

_"What?" He glanced at her again._

_She shook her head. "It's just ironic, you know? That we had the triage drills this morning..."_

_He nodded as he finished up with the patient. "That's probably why the Chief picked you guys to come here; the information will be fresh in your head." He gave the nod for the paramedic to wheel the patient towards an ambulance, and stood upright, facing her. "Of course, the fact that you're the best probably factors into it, too..."_

_She offered him a small smile. "Derek..."_

_"What? It's the truth. Everyone knows Bailey's interns are the best."_

_Meredith sighed. "Whatever. Are you good? Because I have to get this little girl to triage."_

_Derek did a double take, as if just noticing the small blond girl attached to Meredith's hand. "Is she okay?"_

_Meredith nodded, smiling gently at his concern. "Yeah, she's good. She's just lost."_

_He nodded. "Okay. I'll catch up with you later."_

_"Yeah."_

She couldn't let this happen. She had so much more to do with her life, to learn, to experience, to say.

Her arms and legs felt like they were filled with lead. Each kick and pull was filled with pain and far too much effort. Her lungs were screaming in anguish as they struggled to absorb what little oxygen they could through the brick wall of freezing seawater saturating her alveoli.

It couldn't end like this.

She had a future.

She couldn't let this happen.

But she was getting heavier.

Her arms and legs were losing energy.

She could barely breathe.

The waves seemed to be getting stronger and stronger every moment, sucking her under more and more.

She couldn't cough. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't call for help.

It was cold and dark and scary.

And she was alone. All alone.

Lost to the world.

"No..." She barely whispered, overwhelmed with fear and hopelessness.

She had a future... She was supposed to have a future. With a loving husband. And chatty children. And friends who were family. And a job she was good at. And a dream house that felt like home.

She was not supposed to go unnoticed to a watery grave.

But, short of a miracle, that was exactly where she was going. The swimming thing she was attempting wasn't going to work much longer. The waves kept washing over her, pulling her under and making her weak attempts to keep breathing all the more harder.

Her legs gave out, and she was underwater in a heartbeat.

With a strangled cry, she forced them to kick upwards, and managed to break the surface again, but her legs were done. This would be her last time above water.

She tried to make her arms work harder, but they would soon follow her legs into heavy numbness. "No..." She cried again, unable to even hear her own voice.

She had so much to live for, so much potential for good in her life.

But this was just too much. She couldn't overcome the water; couldn't fight her way out. It was too cold. Too dark. Too strong.

"Derek..." She whispered weakly. "I..." And she was underwater again. Darkness was all around her. She was so cold.

Her arms slowly stopped moving, leaving her suspended once more in the dark abyss.

There was a drawn out moment of silence before she couldn't not inhale. And then water filled her lungs to the brim.

Her head screamed in protest and pain. But it was over.

Her eyes closed against the harshness of the water, and Meredith slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

_There's more I have to say..._


	54. Chapter 54

_**AN: To those of you who aren't also reading HWA, and therefore missed my AN, I have had a trifecta of technological issues which affected my ability to write...but things seem to be working now...**_

Derek had a feeling.

He had spent the night and morning feeling...off. But he had shrugged it off as lingering effects of the neurotoxin he had been exposed to the previous day, and nothing more.

But now it was more.

No one else exposed to the toxic patient were feeling lasting effects. And Derek's sense of off-ness had grown into something more, something stronger. He had wondered if it was anxiety for his girlfriend's mother's heart surgery, but then Ellis's radio-ablation had been postponed due to the ferry crash.

And his feeling wasn't passing.

It had welled inside him when he had caught sight of Meredith's face, smiling out at him from her hospital badge... Her hospital badge that was firmly attached to her coat, which was not on her, but covering a patient being transported to an ambulance without her.

And then Derek had turned, and his heart had jumped into his throat. The tiny blond girl his girlfriend had been escorting to safety stood across the emergency site, alone and lost. Meredith wasn't anywhere near her, and he _knew_ that she would never have left the small girl alone in the chaos.

And he definitely knew his girlfriend would never have left that patient unattended.

And now Derek was gripping tightly to the hand of the tiny blond girl, hoping she would lead him to Meredith. She had yet to speak a word, but he trusted she understood him. The way her eyes had darkened and her head had shaken in response to his question about Meredith's safety had made his heart clench. Something was very, very wrong.

She stopped suddenly, staring around with wide, searching eyes.

Derek took a breath and crouched beside her. "What? It's okay," he soothed, trying to calm the girl, while his mind was screaming for her to find Meredith. "Just think. Where is she? Which way did she go?"

She turned her head left and right as she searched for...something.

"Take all the time you need. You're doing great." He forced his voice to sound calm, knowing that if he scared the girl she may never lead him to Meredith.

After a long moment her glancing stopped and she nodded to herself.

"Good," Derek spoke, quickly following behind as she led him away from the chaos. By the time he caught up, she was standing along the edge of the pier, staring out at the water. And as much as he wanted to pull her away from the ledge, he knew something was wrong. He could practically feel what she was going to do next.

"Okay, use your words," he pleaded. "Where exactly is Meredith?"

She didn't speak, but instead brought one arm out in front of her, pointing out at the water.

Derek swallowed hard, not a doubt in his mind that Meredith was in the water. She was in the water, and she didn't swim.

Meredith was in the water.

Meredith didn't know how to swim.

Meredith was in the water.

Oh, God...

Leaving the little girl's side, he stepped to the very edge, staring down at the water below. "Meredith," he whispered. "Meredith!" It was stupid to yell if she was under the surface, and had his brain still been functioning rationally, he would have realized that. "Meredith!" He tried again.

He searched left and right, catching sight of a set of stairs leading down to a water level dock. "Stay here," he said to the little girl. "It'll...it'll be okay," he tried to comfort, wishing he could believe it.

Derek somehow managed to pull off his jacket as he ran to the stairs, taking them two and three at a time before he landed hard on the dock. "Meredith!" He screamed. "Mer-" He cut himself off as his diaphragm hitched painfully. She was in the water.

And in the next moment he was in the water too.

The icy cold world around him shocked him, reaching its frigid tentacles down to his very core. His eyes burned, and his fingers and toes immediately began to numb.

But Derek barely noticed. Just like he didn't notice that he had probably ruined his pager, cell phone and blackberry. And his new shoes.

All his mind was able to compute was that Meredith was in the water and he didn't know where. It consumed him, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that if he didn't find her, he may very well die trying.

Derek dove, searching downwards and swimming serpentines, back and forth, as far as he could before he had to come up for air. The world below the surface was cold and alien; darkness prevailed, only allowing him very limited sight.

And then he dove again.

And dove again.

And again.

He gasped for air on his fifth return to the surface, his chest hitching and sputtering as he sucked in oxygen he had denied his lungs for too long. His dives were getting longer and longer, and his body was beginning to surrender to the cold.

"Meredith..." He sputtered between gasps for breath. "Mer..." He had to find her soon. He _had_ to. She was... He just had to find her. His dives were getting him further and further away from the dock, and he wondered absently just how deep she could be. He was going as far down as his arms and legs would take him, until his ears were popping and his eyes were burning with the salt content of the water.

With a deep breath, he dove again, and only half-way to his expected depth he slammed into something solid. His arms were around her before his brain fully processed that he had found her. The visual distance in the water was even less than he had thought; he hadn't even seen her form in front of him.

Still, he had found her. It was a miracle.

But it wasn't a happy moment. His rescue wouldn't be akin to a romantic movie. He wouldn't press his lips against hers under the water, breathing his air and life into her, and have her eyes flutter open when she surfaced.

With one arm firmly around her, he kicked and pulled his way upwards. Her extra weight pulled down on him, as if the deep, cold, alien world of Elliot Bay was claiming her, refusing to let her go.

But Derek would never let her go. He would never stop fighting for her.

His lungs were burning like never before as he fought upwards, and right before he surfaced his autonomic system kicked him, forcing his lungs to take a breath. The cold water burned as it flowed greedily into his lungs.

And then he surfaced, and oxygen finally found its way in, filling his lungs and duelling with the water in its way.

Without even a moment to breathe or cough he swam for the dock, and when he reached it he pushed his girlfriend's limp body up first, before pulling himself onto the solid wood beside her with straining muscles.

"Meredith," he whispered, his hands reaching out for the sides of her face, as if he had any heat to offer her. "Meredith!" But it was no use. She was cold and limp and unresponsive. And oh, so blue.

"Oh, God...Mer..." He murmured, reaching shaking fingers to her neck, feeling in vain for a pulse. He knew he wasn't going to find one. Just the time he had spent in the water was enough for someone to drown if they were unable to surface, and who knew how long she had been under. But it was still enough of a shock to bring tears to his eyes.

She was cold and blue and limp. And had no pulse, which meant blood wasn't flowing through her body. Which meant oxygen wasn't getting to her brain, or her...anything. It meant nothing in her body was getting the nourishment it needed. It meant her heart wasn't beating. It meant she was...

Dead.

She was dead.

His girlfriend. The love of his life. The women he was supposed to marry and spend the rest of his life with...was dead.

Derek only allowed himself a moment to wallow before he scooped her limp body into his arms and hurried up the stairs. He needed to get her to an ambulance, and then to the hospital. Soon. Right now.

He would save her.

He had to save her.

He couldn't lose her. Not now. Not like this. He had seen too much unexpected loss, had experienced it first hand. He needed her.

He had promised her forever, and forever couldn't already be over. He needed at least another fifty years with the woman who had taken his breath away the first time he had laid eyes on her. He needed to experience more things with her. They had a list. There were more things they needed to do. So many more.

He was supposed to take her to New York to meet his family, to show her that the idea of family really existed.

They were supposed to move out after her internship, and one day build a house.

He had a ring hidden in his office, perfect and ready and waiting for the right time.

He wanted to celebrate with her when her internship was over. To watch her perform her first solo surgery in the next year. To watch her become a better surgeon than himself.

He wanted to see her face on their wedding day, wanted to see the hope and love and confidence that had slowly developed over the last eleven months.

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Eleven months wasn't enough.

000

Derek hadn't thought twice about the number of patients he was jumping ahead of when he had rushed Meredith to the nearest waiting ambulance and ordered the paramedic to get them to Grace. The drive was a blur as he had performed CPR like never before. It was something he was exposed to everyday, but had never felt as formidable as it did now.

Never had he pressed his lips to hers to have them not respond.

Never had he touched her skin and not felt warmed by the contact.

Never had he seen her so off colour.

Never had he pressed his hands to her so strongly. He could feel her ribs giving under his hands as his compressions grew stronger. It made tears spring to his eyes, but he couldn't stop. It was necessary. It was proper procedure. It was her best chance.

It was her only chance.

He barely noticed when the ambulance arrived at the hospital and came to a stop. He barely processed Miranda Bailey's shocked face as she stared she ushered him into the hospital. He barely noticed the hospital staff around him, hooking Meredith up to every trauma machine and monitor in the room.

All he paid attention to was Meredith. He didn't need the monitor to tell him her heart wasn't beating; he could feel the silence in her chest with every compression. And he didn't need a machine to tell him her temperature was too low; coldness was overtaking his heart from the lack of warmth in her body.

"She's alive," he whispered to himself, over and over and over. Maybe if he said it enough times it would come true. "She's alive. She's alive. She's alive."

"What the hell happened?" Richard's voice boomed as he stepped into the trauma room.

With his eyes glued on Meredith's face, searching for any signs of life, Derek spouted off some medical information, some a little more...hopeful than truthful.

"Shepherd, you need to get out."

Derek shook his head, tears pooling in his eyes as he continued to search for life in the frozen expression of his girlfriend.

Richard sighed heavily, bumping Derek's shoulder with his own as he pressed the neurosurgeon out of the way, taking over the compressions. "You can't do this. We need to do this."

Derek's now free hands found Meredith's face, cupping her cheeks and running through her wet hair. "I can't..."

"Derek," Richard spoke softly, pulling Derek's gaze away from Meredith for the first time. He and Richard had butted heads on many things regarding the dying woman before them in the past year, but a look of understanding passed between them. Richard needed Meredith to live too. Not as much as Derek – something they both knew and accepted – but he still did. "You need to get out of the way so we can do this."

"I can't," he repeated. "I can't leave her. I...I promised. I need to be here."

"No, you don't. You know that I can't let you stay. Don't make me have you dragged out."

Tears overflowed his lower lids. He couldn't leave. He couldn't leave her alone like this.

This couldn't be the last time he saw her with an ounce of hope that she would be okay.

"Derek," Richard promised.

He nodded absently and took a deep breath before ducking his head down to press his lips against Meredith's cold forehead. "I love you so much," he whispered fiercely, leaning his forehead against hers for a long moment, reminding himself than she was in good hands, the best he could hope for in this impossible situation. They would do everything possible for her.

His forehead still pressed against hers, he shut his eyes tightly and took a deep, ragged breath, willing warmth and strength and love to pass between them.

And then he opened his eyes and pulled himself away. He couldn't let himself be dragged from her bedside. If this was going to be his last moment with the love of his life it had to be under his control.

"I'm here," he whispered, before pressing his lips to her cold forehead once again – hoping against hope that it would not be for the last time.

And he silently stepped out of the room and collapsed onto the floor across the hall, unable to be any further away.


	55. Chapter 55

_**AN: First off, you can blame **_**this**_** delay on my power...or lack there of. The chapter was done and the power went out...Needless to say, I'm not amused. Second, huge thanks to everyone who has been reviewing and sending my such awesome feedback. I always try to respond, but something is going wonky with my e-amil account, and review alerts that I KNOW I deleted came back, and even though it doesn't usually let me, I'm CERTAIN I've responded to the same reviews several times... So, I have finally managed to empty my inbox, and need to start from scratch. So, for those of you I didn't respond to; THANKS! You're AWESOME!**_

"It's taking too long," Derek muttered without looking up. He was still sitting on the cold, hard floor of the hospital hallway, his knees bent up in front of him and his head in his hands.

Mark sighed from beside him and there was a pause as he reached a hand halfway towards his former best friend before he thought better of it and withdrew. "All it means is they're still trying. She's still fighting."

Derek nodded absently, having almost forgotten about Mark's presence. "She was so cold, so blue."

"That means the cold protected her organs."

Mark was good at offering answers in times like these. Although his responses now had much more medical knowledge behind them, his attempts of comfort still mirrored those from almost thirty years ago when he had sat beside Derek on the floor of the New York hospital, waiting for news on his dad. They had been so young then, but Derek still felt himself drawn back to that horrible day.

"Why does this keep happening?" He whispered.

This time Mark did reach across the expanse between them, his hand closing around Derek's upper arm for a long moment. "She's a fighter, Derek," he repeated. "I've barely talked to her at all, but it's obvious that she's been through more than most people. If anyone can fight this, she can."

"She has been through a lot," Derek whispered, tears once again springing to his eyes as he thought back to her revelations the night before. After all the crap she had been through in her life, she deserved to have something to look forward to. She deserved happiness. She didn't deserve this.

His breathing caught and he ran his hands up his face, his fingers tightening painfully in his hair. "She must have been so scared," he whispered, unable to imagine how terrified she must have been. It physically hurt him more than anything else ever had, just to think about what she must have gone through. What she must have felt, thought, experienced. How long had she managed to stay above water? Hell, had she managed to get above water at all after she had fallen? How much pain had she been in? What were her last thoughts? Had she realized what was happening?

"You can't dwell on that, Derek."

"The water was so cold," he continued, barley hearing Mark's words. "It was freezing. And she doesn't swim. And..."

"It's not important now. All that's important is that she's here and-"

"It is important!" Derek hissed. "I knew she couldn't swim. I knew."

"But you got her out of the water," Mark offered, missing Derek's point.

"Not soon enough." He should have realised something was wrong sooner. He should have pushed the little girl harder. He should have kept a closer eye on Meredith. He should have been enough for her. He _needed_ to be enough for her.

"You got her out as soon as you could."

"She doesn't deserve this," Derek found himself whispering, veering off the current topic.

Mark, having spent almost his entire life as Derek's best friend, had no problem following the new tangent of conversation, even with the year long hiatus in their friendship. "No one does."

"No," Derek shook his head. "She _really_ doesn't deserve this. If you knew half the crap she's had to go through in her life..." He trailed off. "She deserves to be happy. She deserves some good. That her last experience could be..." His voice broke and he couldn't speak anymore. A silent sob racked his body. His hands tightened even more on his hair, and he welcomed the pain.

"She knows you love her, Derek," Mark said quietly. "Even if most of her life has sucked, you've made the last year better. That's what counts, Derek. _That's_ what you need to be thinking about."

Derek shook his head in his hands. "She can't die," he barely whispered. "She just...can't. I need her. I... Why does this keep happening?"

Mark took a deep breath. "It's not the same as..." He trailed off, unable to say it, even after all these years. Christopher Shepherd may not have been his actual father, but he had been as close to one as Mark had. He had lost a parental figure too that fateful day.

Derek finally lifted his head, and turned to meet Mark's eyes. And for a long moment it was easy to forget the past year and see Mark as they closest thing he had to a brother.

But the door across the hall from them opened, and Derek was on his feet before he could process what was going on. "How is she? Is her heart beating? I need to go in there-"

Miranda solemnly shook her head as she moved to block Derek's movement. "We're still working on her."

"But she's okay, right? Her heart is beating?"

She tightened her jaw, and it was all Derek needed to know.

His eyes stung as he shook his head. "She's not back, is she?" It felt like his heart was falling through his body, destroying all his other organs on the way.

"Derek..." She began softly.

"Has there been any change at all?" He asked weakly.

"We're still working on getting her temp up."

Derek couldn't remember ever being in so much physical pain before without an actual injury. His heart throbbed. His chest hitched, and suddenly he felt like he couldn't breathe. "Oh...God..." This was the worst part of being a doctor; you knew all the bad answers without even asking the questions.

Bailey reached out to clutch onto his forearm. "She's holding on, Derek. Give us time."

"I can't live without her," he breathed.

"Yes, you can. If you need to, you can. And right now, Derek, you need to take care of yourself."

"No." He shook his head. "I need to be here. I need to be with her."

"The best thing you can do for her right now is take care of yourself," she repeated. "You're going to get sick if you stay in those clothes, Derek. You need to go take a shower and get into some dry clothes."

"No," he tried again, still shaking his head.

"Meredith would want you to take care of yourself."

His heart clenched at the sound of her name.

"I need to get back in there, and I need to know that you're going to go take care of yourself."

"I don't know if I can leave her..."

"It's not leaving her, Derek. She knows you're here."

"I love her so much."

"She knows that too."

000

His clothes rumpled and his hair unkempt, Derek stumbled out of the attending locker room. His presence drew the attention of all of the medical personnel in the hall, and he avoided any eye contact, unable to handle the pitying glances.

Numbness was slowly filling his incapacitated mind. All he could think about was that morning...

_Meredith padded back into the bedroom after her morning shower, immediately catching Derek's attention as she flopped onto the bed, her towel, which was wrapped tightly around her small frame, the only thing covering her. _

_Derek turned to follow her movements with her eyes, concerning lining his features as his fingers paused halfway through buttoning his shirt. "You okay?"_

_She huffed. "I'm fine. Just like I was five minutes ago."_

_He rolled his eyes in good nature. "I'm allowed to worry."_

_She lifted her head, one eyebrow raised. "Yeah, you're taking too much liberty with that..."_

_Derek laughed, stepping over to the bed and lowering himself down over her. "I am, huh?"_

_Meredith nodded._

_He made a face. "Well, you did say I was your knight in shining whatever, so I guess I'll just have to find another way to make sure you know I'm thinking of you..."_

_"And how might you go about doing that?" She asked with a smirk._

_"Mmm," he murmured. "Is this working...?" He ran his lips along her neck and clavicle._

_Meredith hooked her hands behind his neck, burying her fingers in his hair. "This is definitely working."_

_He ran his hand up her side, and pulled at the edge of her towel. "Too bad we don't have more time before we need to leave for work..."_

_She moaned, but moved to catch his hand before he left her completely uncovered under him. "If you keep doing what you're doing, we'll be late."_

_He smiled sheepishly at her. "But it would be worth it."_

_"For you maybe. Bailey would kill me."_

_"Hmm, we definitely don't need that." He returned his lips to her neck. "I definitely like you alive."_

_"Mmm, you too. Especially when you're doing _that,_" she moaned as his lips found the crook of her neck._

_"We could just stay home today. Do this all day..."_

_Meredith sighed, drawing him away from her neck to meet her eyes. "That sounds suspiciously like you're trying to keep me from going to work because you're worried about me."_

_Derek pursed his lips for a long moment. "But you have to give me credit for doing a great job trying to circumvent your awareness of me being annoyingly overprotective..."_

_Try as she might, Meredith couldn't bite back her smile. "Derek..."_

_He pecked her lips. "I'm sorry. I just love you so much."_

_"Mmm, I love you too," she whispered, pulling his head down to kiss him._

_"I'll try and tone it down a little."_

_She tilted her head, giving him a look._

_"Fine; I'll tone it down more than a little."_

_She pecked his lips. "Thank-you."_

_"That's why I'm here."_

_He kissed her one more time before standing, bringing her up with him, conveniently leaving her towel on the bed behind her with an, "Oops..." _

_Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because that so wasn't on purpose."_

_"Sometimes good things just happen."_

_"Good things, huh?"_

_He nodded, making a show of running his eyes over her naked body. "Very good."_

_She mock glared at him and snatched her towel off of the bed, hurriedly covering herself up. "We're obviously not going to be making it to work on time if you keep looking at me like that. At least one of us needs to be responsible."_

_He smiled warmly at her. "If you're naked, or even in just a towel, the responsible one will _always_ have to be you."_

_"Good to know," she said wryly, but he still caught a twinkle in her eyes._

_With one last peck on the lips, he turned back to buttoning his shirt, keeping one eye on his girlfriend as she dressed. She was absolutely captivating._

_He was just pulling a sweater over his button up when she turned back to him, dressed in jeans and a purple sweater. "You're not moving very quickly this morning," she noted._

_Derek shrugged. "You're a little distracting."_

_She sauntered up to him, running her hands up his chest to rest her palms in front of his shoulders. "You're a little distracting yourself this morning."_

_He cocked his head, snaking his arms around her waist. "Are you sure you're feeling okay?"_

_"Derek..."_

_He sighed. "I know. I'm being annoying. I'm sorry. But...I just need to know you're okay. Everything you said last night... And the surgery is today..."_

_Meredith leaned into him, resting her forehead against his chest, between her hands. "The things I told you last night...about my mother. I've never told anyone about that before, Derek."_

_He closed his eyes, leaning his head against hers. "Yeah, I kind of figured that."_

_She took a deep breath, breathing him in. "But those things happened a long time ago. Just because I told you last night doesn't make today any different for me. It's still something I've had to live with everyday."_

_"But your mother said things yesterday. Lucid things."_

_"Yeah, well, I'm doing my best to shut those things out. I need to get through today, Derek."_

_He closed his arms tightly around her, needing to hold her close. He couldn't begin to grasp what she had gone through in her life; the horrors that he had never experienced, even with his father's murder. All he wanted was to hold her close and make all of the bad stuff disappear, to replace all of her negative memories with positive ones. He wanted her to know nothing but love for the rest of her life, no matter how irrational that was._

_"Oh, Meredith..."_

_With a deep breath, she pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. "I'll be okay, Derek. Today will probably suck, but I'll get through it. I always do."_

_He ran a hand over her cheek. "How can you be so strong?"_

_"I'm not-"_

_"You are," he insisted. "I can't believe how much she put you through, and that you're still the amazing woman that you are."_

_Her eyes welled and she avoided his gaze, but he used his hand to guide her gaze back to his eyes._

_"I just love you so much."_

_"I love you too, Derek."_

_He closed his arms around her again and breathed her in. "Why don't we go out to dinner tonight? After she's out of surgery, and we know things are fine? It'll give you something to look forward to. You can even pick the place."_

_She raised an eyebrow. "So, you're saying you'd let me choose the pizza place?"_

_His lips twitched, but he managed to not smile. "Well, I'm saying I'd prefer you choose the steak place. Or the Italian place. But if your heart is really set on pizza, that's where we'll go..."_

_Her eyes twinkled as she cocked her head. "Wow, you must be _really_ worried about me. You never accept the pizza place without a fight."_

_"I just really love you. And maybe I'm learning to pick my battles," he retorted. "When you want pizza, you get pizza. I never win that argument."_

_She laughed, her first true laugh of the morning. "Good point."_

_He made a face._

_"I think going to dinner is a good idea, Derek," she conceded. "Thanks."_

_Derek smiled warmly at her. "Like I said; I'm your knight in shining whatever."_

_She snorted before laughing again. "You're really stuck on that term, aren't you?"_

_"Hey, that's what you dubbed me."_

_"When I was high."_

_"I'm still going with it."_

_She was still laughing as she shook her head. "We need to get going."_

_"We do," he agreed, turning towards his bed side table for his cell, pager and blackberry, only for Meredith to catch his arm. And before he knew it, her arms were wrapped tightly around is neck._

_"Thank-you for being here, Derek," she whispered fiercely._

_"There's no where else I'd rather be," he said honestly, hugging her back just as tightly._

_"You're just here," she continued. "You're here all the time. And you say all the right things."_

_"That's because I'm dreamy," he deadpanned._

_She laughed and pulled back to meet his eyes, her arms still hooked around his neck. "Whatever."_

_He rolled his eyes in good nature, before sobering and reaching a hand to brush a few hairs behind her ear. "We'll get through today," he promised. "We'll get through today and tomorrow will be better."_

He couldn't get his mind off of what he had promised her only hours ago, of all the things they had said. He had promised her dinner that night. He had promised her a light at the end of the tunnel.

He had never expected the tunnel to end so suddenly, to cave in, with the chance of light finding her so dim.

Things had been so good that morning; not perfect, not easy, but good. They had had a hard night, but _they_ were fine. Despite their tiredness, they still went through their normal morning routine, complete with their easy banter. It all seemed so...perfectly normal.

And his throat tightened at the thought that today could have been the last morning he would spend with her, the last time he would wake up beside her.

He had promised her a lifetime. And he had let her down. He hadn't found her soon enough.

Maybe if he had found her on his first dive.

Maybe if he had realized she had disappeared sooner.

Maybe if he had convinced her to stay in bed with him all day.

Maybe if he had taught her to swim like he had promised.

He had _promised._

But still, when she needed to have the skill she hadn't. And it was his fault. He had known she didn't swim, and she had trusted him to teach her.

And he had let her down.

He had let her down when she needed him the most.

A nurse whose name he would usually know passed him in the hall, sending him a smile half filled with support and half with pity. He barely managed a nod of acknowledgement before his heart began to beat overtime, and he was overwhelmed with the need to be invisible, to be somewhere where no one knew him.

He couldn't handle the knowing glances anymore. And he definitely couldn't handle sitting outside Meredith's trauma room, unable to be with her, to help her. It was taking far too long, and the odds of watching Bailey exit the trauma room to tell him of his girlfriend's death were rising fast. He couldn't be sitting on the floor when that happened.

With tears in his eyes, Derek headed down to the clinic to sit with the other family members waiting for news on their loved ones. It was the one place in the hospital where he could be invisible.

_**AN: So, a little Mark/Derek friendship fixing. And a lot of Derek wallowing. But don't worry, because Derek isn't going to wallow long. And, to answer a few questions about last weeks episode; I loved it! Mer FINALLY let Derek be there for her. And Derek is being awesome and fixing Mer and Cristina's friendship. And his line about Mer freaking out showed how much he understands her. The only thing I would like to have seen would be Derek's reaction to Mark's...predicament. lol – that would open so many comments about karma and such...**_

_**Next chapter is well under way!**_


	56. Chapter 56

_**AN: Quick note for those of you who read What I'm Here For and Still Here. I have started posting the third instalment, Here We Are. I'm on chapter 5, but have received a few comments lately citing surprise at having realized.**_

_**Hope you like this chapter. It was...challenging, but I think I'm happy with it.**_

_**

* * *

**_

_It was quiet._

_The pure silence that existed in this place when no one was talking seemed oxymoronic. There was no chatter of other people drifting down the familiar hallways of the hospital. There were no footsteps. No machines hummed, beeped or alarmed. The hospital was usually full of activity; chatter, movement, noise. It had been a constant, the life of the hospital, something Meredith had grown accustomed to._

_But now, in the utter lack of noise, the silence screamed at her, louder than anything before._

_It didn't smell like the hospital either. The normally sterile smell of the halls had morphed into...nothing. She inhaled, but there was nothing. Her hair no longer smelled of the lavender Derek loved. Her scrubs didn't smell like detergent._

_And her touch felt duller, like she couldn't feel anything properly. _

_It felt like her essence was fading away, deserting her. All that was left was sight and sound._

_"I don't want to be here," she whispered._

_The man sitting across the hall from her, his slumped position mirroring her own, nodded. "I get that."_

_Meredith lifted her eyes, meeting those of the man who had once captured the heart of her roommate. "Are you...always here."_

_Denny shrugged in a away that told her he couldn't tell her. "This is your afterlife, not mine."_

_"I don't want to be here," she repeated, closing her eyes. "How did I get here?"_

_"How do any of us get here?"_

_She released a breath of air, fighting not to whimper. "Are you actually going to answer any of my questions?"_

_He smiled supportively. "There's only so much I can tell you. You called me here for a reason."_

_"Izzy never told me you were Mr. Cryptic."_

_"You know why you're here," he offered. "You don't need me to tell you."_

_

* * *

_

Derek inhaled a shaky breath into his aching chest as he stared through the paned glass at his girlfriend's mother. He didn't trust himself to enter the room again, not after Addison had practically had to drag him out when she caught him yelling at the amnesic woman. And as much as his ex-wife was right about one thing – that Ellis Grey was a black hole – she was wrong about another – that this wasn't Derek's fault.

If only he had taught her to swim.

There had been so many chances. That morning he was fishing, when she first told him she didn't swim. The many times they had wandered down to his pond. The time they went camping with their friends. He could still remember making lewd comments about skinny dipping in the river by their campsite, and making love to her by the lake they found in the middle of the forest. He had been so intent on ravaging her that he had forgone getting in the water.

It had been his decision.

She had left it up to him, had told him straight out that she was up to going in the water if he was. And _he_ had decided it was too cold. _He _alone had decided to delay their first swim lesson. Maybe if things had been different she would have been able to get to the dock. He would have lost out on one intimate experienced with her, but it would have gained him the lifetime he was about to lose.

With a heavy sigh, Derek turned away from Ellis. In his mind there were two people at fault for what happened to Meredith. Ellis and himself. Ellis had failed miserably in being there for her daughter. She had never been affectionate, had never shown up when she was needed, had never taught her daughter anything constructive about life.

She had never fought for her daughter.

Derek would never stop fighting for her. He loved her far too much to let her fight this on her own.

With the realization of what he had to do in the very front of his mind, Derek turned on his heel and rushed for the elevator that would take him to the ER floor. He wasn't going to take no for an answer anymore. He needed to be in that room. Meredith needed him. He had promised her they would get through the day together.

The elevator doors closed with a bang, preventing him from hearing the flatline sound out across the cardio floor just moments after his exit.

* * *

_Time didn't seem to exist in this lifeless place Meredith found herself in. She could have been sitting on the cold, hard floor of the hospital hallway for an eternity for all she knew. Except that the floor was neither cold nor hard like it should be._

_She didn't want to be here._

_She glanced upward at Denny and frowned as she watched his expression change briefly. _

_"What is it?"_

_He held up a finger for a long moment, before opening his eyes. "Izzy."_

_This sparked hope in Meredith. "You can see her?"_

_"No." He shook his head, his eyes moist. "But sometimes...when we're in the same place at the same time...I can almost feel her."_

_"Almost?"_

_"It's all you get here. Just a whiff of a loved one. And then they move on."_

_"That's not enough," she breathed. "I had plans. Derek and I...we had plans. We __**have**__ plans."_

_"So did I."_

_"No. No!" She cried. "This cannot be happening. I fought. I..."_

_Denny nodded. "You remember."_

_Meredith closed her eyes and shook her head as she remembered the water. The cold. The pain. The despair. "I don't want to be here," she repeated for the umpteenth time. "I fought so hard."_

_"That's not always enough. Some people can't be saved."_

_"But..." She trailed off, unable to voice another word. She was a doctor. She knew the hard truth about who could and could not be saved._

_"It's not always enough to fight," Denny repeated. "But sometimes others will fight for you, too."_

_"Will that be enough?"_

_He shrugged again. "That's why we're here."_

_"I don't understand."_

_Denny offered a dark, ominous look. "We're waiting."_

_Her lower lips trembled ever so slightly. "For what?"_

_He didn't respond with words, but his eyes told her everything she needed to know. They were waiting for her to die, for everyone to stop fighting for her, or... Or they were waiting for a miracle._

_

* * *

_

All eyes flew to him as he pushed through the swinging door of the trauma room, but he barely noticed. All he saw was the woman he loved. Vulnerable and exposed, hooked up to so many monitors, that all seemed to say the same thing in a different way; she wasn't responding.

"Derek-" Burke began, only to be cut off.

"Shepherd, get out," Richard boomed.

Derek shook his head, standing his ground. "No. I need to be here."

"Derek, we've had this conversation."

"I love her," he stated, moving to stand by her head, his hands reaching to run through her hair. "I'm not going anywhere. I won't get in the way, but I need to be here."

Richard tightened his jaw and looked away.

Bailey stepped in, trying again. "Derek, you...shouldn't be here for this. She wouldn't want you here for this."

"Yes. Yes, she would. I _need_ to be here. I promised her."

"Derek..."

"You owe me this," he stated. "There was a bomb in the OR next door, and I refused to evacuate to save _your_ husband's life. You don't have the right to ask me to leave now." Derek pulled an empty stool over and sat, showing that he was intent on staying. He reached for Meredith's cold, clammy hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm here," he whispered, pressing his lips against her forehead. "I love you so much."

Richard approached him quietly, laying a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure this is the last way you want to see her? Because she might not-"

Derek shook his head, cutting Richard off before he could finish. He couldn't stand the thought of hearing the rest of that sentence. "I promised her," he whispered, meeting the older man's eyes. "I promised her forever. I...I promised her a lifetime. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But..." He trailed off as his voice cracked and a new batch of tears found their way to his red eyes. "But if this is the end of her lifetime, then I need to be here. I'll fight tooth and nail for her, but if she doesn't come back from this, I _need_ to be here for her."

Richard didn't say anything, but nodded and looked away quickly. And across the small trauma room, Bailey was ignoring his eyes too, hers suspiciously reflective.

Clutching tightly to her hand, Derek leaned his forehead against hers, willing heat and life into her body. "She feels warmer."

"We've got her temp up," Bailey said gently. "But her heart's still not beating."

"Just give her time."

"It's been three hours."

"How many doses of epi has she had?"

Bailey avoided his eyes again. "Too many."

"Have you tried shocking her?" The silence he was met with was his answer. If this was any other patient, they would have called time of death ages ago.

But this wasn't any other patient.

* * *

_"I can't be here!" Meredith exclaimed. Her chest felt like it was shrinking, crushing the ever-so-important organs within it. "This isn't right. It isn't fair! I...Derek. I can't... I'm not ready to..." Her eyes welled. "It can't be like this. I didn't even get to say goodbye."_

_"I know."_

_"Just a whiff of him isn't enough."_

_"I know that too."_

_"What can I do? How can I get back?"_

_Denny sighed. "You're running out of time."_

_"I'm what?" She asked, as the water flooded the hallway. With a strangled cry she leapt to her feet. "No. I'm not ready. This can't be happening." And she ran from the water._

_The center of the surgical floor, normally filled with people, now only held the few people Meredith had apparently called to help her. "I can't breathe," she stammered, doubling over, her arms around her middle as she gasped for air._

_"This will pass," Bonnie said._

_"You just have to let go," her mother's old scrub nurse added, "And everything will be better."_

_The pain that was ripping through her chest was strong, but Meredith couldn't let herself 'let go.' It sounded too much like 'giving up.' There could still be a chance. She had people who would fight for her. Derek would fight for her. She just needed to hold on a little longer._

_

* * *

_

"Just give her time," Derek whispered, returning his forehead to Meredith's. "I love you," he whispered.

She was stronger than this. She _had _to be stronger than this. She couldn't overcome such a horrible childhood, only to succumb to something like this. She deserved better.

And he would be better for her, if only he got the chance.

He just needed another chance.

The heart monitor blipped, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Is that V-fib?" Bailey called.

"Charge the paddles!" Richard demanded.

With a breath of hope, Derek released his grip on Meredith's hand and pulled away, watching silently as Meredith's limp body rose with the shock, only to fall back down, just as limp. It made bile rise in his throat.

The monitor went back to displaying a flat line, and the room seemed to breathe out as one.

"Damnit," Richard mutter, dropping the paddles back onto the table with an ominous clanging. And even though he only uttered the one word, the whole room could hear the under tones. _This isn't working. We're going to lose her. Maybe we already have..._

"She's fighting," Derek whispered, returning to her side. "She's not giving up, so you can't either."

"Derek, it's been hours. She should have responded by now."

He shook his head desperately. "She can fight this."

"Derek," Richard said calmly. "We need to start accepting the possibility that she won't-"

"No!" Derek shouted. "No. I won't ever give up on her. I know her. She can fight this. She's overcome so much-" His voice cracked, but he continued. "She can overcome this too. She has to."

Before anyone could respond, the door was pushed open, revealing a shaky Cristina Yang. She met Derek's eyes quickly, her gaze telling him she had overheard his protests. They shared a look of understanding, knowing they were the two people in the world who knew Meredith best.

"Cristina," Bailey whispered. "You shouldn't be here."

For the first time, Cristina completely ignored her resident, her eyes still trained on Derek's as she approached the bed, her hands clutching onto Meredith's feet. "Try again," she whispered.

"We've tried too many times already," Richard said gently.

Derek shook his head angrily. "If you won't fight for her, there are a ton of people in this hospital who will."

"This has nothing to do with-"

Bailey cut him off, her voice wavering. "One more round of ACLS drugs."

With a sigh, Richard turned away from Derek and nodded. "One more."

With his heart clenched painfully in his throat, Derek lowered his head, and buried his face in the crook of Meredith's neck, disheartened by the lack of lavender wafting from her still damp hair. "You can do this," he whispered against her lifeless skin. "I need you. I can't do this without you. Please fight for me. Please," he begged. "Just a little harder."

There was silence as Bailey administered the drugs.

The heart monitor continued to display a low, flat rhythm.

No one spoke.

No one moved.

Derek could barely breathe as he shut his eyes tight and tried not to cry anymore. This couldn't possibly be the end. He needed her in a forever kind of way.

He _needed_ her.

There was a long, pregnant pause, where she should have responded, but didn't.

Derek could feel the mood falling around him. They were accepting defeat. They were giving up. Even Cristina.

This couldn't be happening.

He couldn't lose her.

Not like this.

Not now.

If he lost her in fifty years it would feel too soon.

He needed her. Forever.

She was his life. She gave him meaning. She had saved him. It had felt like he was drowning when he had moved to Seattle. But she had saved him.

And he hadn't saved her. Derek had failed her.

He released a painful, shaky breath, still holding onto the smallest glimmer of hope for a miracle. She was so strong. If anyone could fight this, she could.

'_Come on, Mer,'_ he pleaded silently_. 'Please. Fight. For me.'_

A blip appeared on the heart monitor.

And then another.

And another.

"Sinus-brady," Bailey said in awe.

"She's really back?" Richard asked.

Burke moved forward, stethoscope in hand as he listened to her chest and nodded. "She's back."

Cristina looked frozen in place, her face a mask of nothingness.

But Derek cried openly, pressing his lips to Meredith's cheek and forehead. "Good job, Mer. I knew you could do it."

He felt frozen and numb and oblivious all at the same time as people fluttered around checking and rechecking leads and vitals and monitors. Derek barley noticed any of it, still focusing on the whole love of his life having a heartbeat thing.

It wasn't until a hand fell on his shoulder that he looked up.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded absently. "Thank-you, Miranda."

She nodded back. "Maybe this makes us even now."

He almost laughed, knowing he would probably feel indebted to the woman for the rest of his life, regardless of the fact that he had saved her husband.

"But Derek, keep in mind..." She sighed. "Just because her heart is beating doesn't mean everything is okay. She was deprived of oxygen for a long time..."

He nodded. "I know."

"I just don't want you to get too..."

"What? Too attached? Too hopeful? Too late."

"Derek..."

He inhaled a shaky breath. "I know better than anyone the risks to her brain. But I just need to focus on the fact that she's warm and her heart is beating for right now."

"Okay." She squeezed his shoulder again and left him alone for a long period of time, not that Derek had any sense of time right now. All he was aware of was Meredith.

000

"Derek," Bailey called, pulling him from his reverie. "I need you to step back for a second. I'm going to extubate her."

He glanced up, surprised to see that it was just Bailey and Cristina left in the room with him. "You need to see if she'll breathe on her own." It wasn't a question.

She nodded. "It's time."

With a shaky breath, Derek pushed his stool back a foot, still clutching onto Meredith's hand and keeping to his promise to not get in the way.

Bailey worked silently as she peeled of the tape holding the breathing tube in place, and expertly removed the tube.

There was only a slight pause before Meredith's chest continued to rise and fall steadily on its own, allowing Derek to breathe easier. "She's breathing," he murmured, more to himself than anyone else.

"She is," Bailey responded. "That's a good sign." She offered Derek a supportive smile before quietly leaving the room.

Left alone with only his unconscious girlfriend, and his girlfriend's mute best friend, Derek found himself able to sit back and feel like time was moving normally again. With one hand still clutched to Meredith's, his free hand ran along her cheek and forehead, his fingers brushing through her stiff hair. Her colour, not blue anymore, was still very pale. Her skin was clammy.

But she was alive, and right then, in that very moment, that was all that mattered in Derek's life. Everything ceased to exist for him, other than the fact that Meredith's heart was beating and she was breathing on her own.

Several more minutes passed in silence, Derek still running his hand along Meredith's face, as if convincing himself she was real, and Cristina still clutching to Meredith's feet, as if they were the only thing keep her standing.

Eventually, Derek sighed and turned to Cristina, offering a wry smile. "I don't think I've ever been that scared in my entire life."

Cristina's eyes flickered towards him, and her mouth opened. But no sound came out. She was at as much a loss as Derek as to what should be said. Her eyes told him she had been scared too, but would never admit it in front of him. The walls that had fallen during their brief fight together for Meredith were slowly being rebuilt. She was an individual who didn't like being vulnerable. And that was okay. Derek understood; he was the same way. And so was Meredith.

He and Meredith were learning to let each other in, to be vulnerable in front of the other person. And he assumed Cristina was the same with Burke, and maybe Meredith.

Derek nodded, acknowledging the continued silence between them, and motioning that it was okay. There wasn't anything to be said. And for a moment, Cristina looked like she was going to speak.

But then the faintest wisp of a sound came from Meredith's lips, and Derek's attention was back on her.

"Mer? Meredith? Did you try to say something?"

Her eyelids fluttered, but did not open. Her lips parted just slightly, and a small moan came out.

"I'm here, Mer. It's okay. You're okay." He squeezed her hand and stood so he could look down at her, taking in her entire face.

"Your brain works, Meredith," Cristina added, appearing on Meredith's other side. "Your brain works, so you can speak."

"...ouch..." she mumbled, but it was enough.

Derek choked back a sob as tears welled in his eyes. "There you are," he murmured, coaxing her to open her eyes. The sparkling green of her irises made his heart clench, and pushed his tears over the lower lids of his eyes. For a moment her gaze wavered, but then her eyes found his and stayed.

"Hey," he whispered.

She swallowed, and then her lips parted again, "Hey," she whispered back. Her eyes closed for a long moment, but when they re-opened, she found the strength to offer him a small smile.

"God, Meredith, I love you so much," he whispered hoarsely, dropping his head to lean his forehead against her chin, his nose buried in the crook of her neck. "Thank-you for coming back to me."

Meredith slowly brought her free hand upwards to nestle in Derek's hair, offering him as much comfort as she could muster. "...love you..."

After a long moment, Derek lifted his head and grabbed her free hand, kissing every digit.

She closed her eyes for another long moment, before turning her gaze towards her best friend. Derek dropped her far hand, but kept a firm grasp on the close one, unable to give her and Cristina any more space. He doubted he could physically survive as further away from her.

"Uh, welcome back," Cristina offered. "I, uh..." she paused, glancing towards Derek for a moment. "I'm getting married to Burke," she blurted. "Which shouldn't be on your list of priorities right now, but in case you hear it..." She trailed off and swallowed hard, her emotions getting the best of her. "You are the one person I wanted to tell."

Meredith offered her a tiny smile. "Happy...for you."

Cristina nodded and stepped back. "I'm, uh, going to go tell Bailey you're awake. Because she'll want to know. And the Chief. And...everyone." And she hurried from the room.

Regardless of her reason, Derek was grateful to be alone with his girlfriend. His living, breathing, _talking_ girlfriend.

"Derek," she murmured, and he almost fell over at the sound of his name coming from her lips. His legs suddenly felt weak and he sat, still leaning close over her.

Meredith carefully turned her head toward him. "Thank you...fighting...for me."

Derek ran a hand across his face and through his hair. "I'll always fight for you."

"I tried...wasn't enough...needed...you..."

He didn't understand, but he squeezed her hand. "You have me, Meredith. You will always have me. I..." His throat suddenly felt raw. "I can't live without you."

She squeezed his hand in response.

Derek took a deep breath. "Do you...remember what happened?"

"Got pushed...fell..." she whispered. "Couldn't... Too strong... Cold..."

His emotions overwhelmed him, and he shut his eyes tight, willing himself not to cry. But she squeezed his hand again, and he opened his eyes to meet hers. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I...I let you down. I promised...I promised to teach you and I failed you. I'm so sorry."

She took a breath and gently shook her head. "No. Derek. You...never...fail me..." She offered him a small, reassuring smile. "You saved...and you fought...for me."

His heart clenched at the way she was using any strength she had to comfort him. "How do you know it was me that saved you?"

"It's always you," she said simply. Her eyes shone to make their point, but then closed for a long moment.

"You saved me," he whispered. "And I won't ever let you down again."

Her eyes fluttered open, her lids still drooping. "...didn't..."

Derek leaned closed and kissed her softly on the lips. "Sleep," he told her. "We have the rest of our lives to discuss this."

"...kay..."

He pressed his lips to her warm forehead. "I love you, Meredith, more than anything else in the world."

Meredith's eyes fluttered open once more. "...love you too...Derek...so much..."

He smiled. "Get some sleep. You need it."

She met his eyes. "Stay...with...me...?"

Derek kissed her again, just as softly. "Absolutely. I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes drooped shut again, her breathing even. "...good..."

Derek smiled to himself as he allowed his mind to relax just a bit. Meredith was alive. She was breathing. Her heart was beating. She was talking, able to carry out a conversation. And she loved him.

His hand found her cheek again, running along her warm skin. "I'm here, Mer, and I'll be here when you wake up."

As he ran his hand through her hair, he caught the smallest hint of a smile across her lips.


	57. Chapter 57

The door opened behind him silently, but Derek felt the air of the room change, and turned to face whoever was entering the room.

"Cristina tells me she woke up?" Bailey stated more than asked.

Derek nodded. "Yeah. She was awake and talking for about five minutes."

Bailey stepped further into the trauma room, her eyes scanning the many monitors still attached to Meredith. "Was she aware of what happened?"

He nodded again. "She remembered the water," he whispered.

Miranda's hand came down on his shoulder, squeezing supportively. "She's alive, Derek, and right now, that's all that matters."

Derek turned to her, offering a smile. "Trust me, Miranda, I know that. I just...I wish she could have forgotten the water." He sighed, turning back to Meredith. "She must have been so scared," he whispered.

"You're right," she agreed. "But she'll get through it, Derek. I'm certain you'll be there for her."

He almost laughed aloud. "Of course I will."

"Good. Now, we're going to be moving her up to a room in the next hour. I just need to take some blood now, make sure everything is still functioning."

"I think she should have a head CT," he added, and then shook his head at her look. "I know I'm not her doctor, but I think it's important. And a chest x-ray, make sure none of her rib fractures have subluxed."

"If she has any rib fractures," she said warningly.

He swallowed hard. "She does."

"Derek, what did you just say about not being her doctor...?"

Meeting her eyes head on, he swallowed hard before speaking. "Trust me, Miranda, I gave her CPR for close to an hour. I..." he swallowed again. "I felt her ribs cracking under my hands."

She held his gaze for a long moment before nodding, hers eyes filled with empathy. And then she looked away, not enough for anyone watching them to notice, but enough for Derek to know she was no longer meeting his eyes head on. It was as if she was unable to allow herself to know what he had gone through, as if the memories and emotions could be transmitted through his gaze. "I'll schedule her for both tests first thing tomorrow morning. I doubt she'll be up to much tonight."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Thank _you_, Derek."

He was taken aback by her tone. "For what?"

"For saving her."

This time he did laugh aloud at her words. "Trust me, Miranda, I saved myself just as much as her. I can't live without here."

"Still... She's my intern, Derek. I'm responsible for her. I took her to that site."

"You had no idea this would happen."

"I was still responsible for teaching her, for making sure she would be safe."

"You didn't know she couldn't swim," he practically whispered.

Her eyes flashed at him as she shook her head and met his gaze again. "Derek Christopher Shepherd, you sound suspiciously like you're blaming yourself."

He blinked. "How do you know my middle name?"

"I know everything. Now stop avoiding the topic."

Derek sighed. "I knew she couldn't swim. I knew it, and...I promised to teach her. We planned on going away when she was done her internship, someplace with a beach." He shook his head. "I promised to teach her before we went. We were just waiting for it to be warmer first."

"Then how can you possibly be blaming yourself? You had no way of knowing this would happen, either."

"But I should have known it was a possibility. Knowing how to swim is important."

"That girl survived twenty-eight years without the skill, Derek."

He inadvertently let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, and that little run almost ended today."

Bailey sighed, returning her hand to his shoulder. "You can blame yourself for a little while," she agreed. "God knows I blamed myself for almost losing Tucker. If I hadn't been in labour, he never would have been rushing towards the hospital and gotten into an accident." She shook her head before he could add anything, could tell her how irrational that was. "But you need to pull yourself together, Derek. _She_ needs you in one piece right now. She doesn't need to know that you blame yourself for some ridiculous reason." She knew her guilt was irrational, Derek realized. But he couldn't see his guilt the same way. It just seemed so _rational._

"It's not ridiculous."

Bailey glared at him in a way only she could. "It is absolutely ridiculous, Derek. You saved that girl. You somehow found her in the water, and you got her here. The only thing you are responsible for today is the very real fact that she is alive. She. Is. Alive. Because of you, Derek. So, feel however you need to feel for a little while, because I know I won't be able to change your mind in one conversation. But don't make that girl feel guilty for making you feel guilty. Do you understand me? She needs some peace for right now."

Derek somehow managed a nod as he absorbed Bailey's orders.

"Good. Now, let me get some blood and then we'll have her transferred upstairs." She applied the tourniquet and turned to ready the syringe.

Meredith moaned lightly, her eyes fluttering as she lifted her arm. "...whatsgoin...on...?"

Derek squeezed her hand, drawing her eyes towards his. "Bailey needs to take some blood," he explained, realizing the movement and application of the elastic band around her arm had pulled her from her needed sleep.

She closed her eyes for a long moment, but when she reopened them they were clearer. Her nap had helped clear her mind. "...don't like needles."

He squeezed her hand. "I know."

Bailey huffed as she turned back to them. "You're a doctor, Grey."

Meredith slowly turned her head towards her resident. "Doesn't mean I like them."

Bailey cracked a smile. "Glad to have you back, Grey."

"Good to...be back."

"Someone else is glad to have you back," she said, motioning towards Derek, expertly guiding Meredith's attention from the needle.

Meredith turned her head back, offering Derek a smile. "I'm glad," she said, and then flinched. "Ouch."

Bailey huffed again as she quickly drew the blood and withdrew the needle. "Don't give me that. I treat kids who handle needles better than you."

Meredith closed her eyes, but released a laughing breath. "...I was...traumatized...as a kid..."

Derek squeezed her hand again, reminding her that he was there beside her. When he had had her mother placed in the clinical trial months ago, and had told her he needed blood from her, Meredith had shyly asked him if he would do it for her. It had led to a discussion about her fear of needles. Apparently she had never had a parent stay and hold her hand during inoculations and needles. Thatcher had been absent and Ellis hadn't cared, leaving Meredith alone and scared.

"I was just telling Derek that we're going to have you transferred upstairs soon."

She made a face and opened her eyes, a hint of her usual fire behind her gaze. "...go...home..."

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Grey. You know you're in no fit position to go home. We'll keep you for observation for a couple days. We're already lining up some tests tomorrow. You'll need to take a course of lasix to completely clear your lungs. And let's not forget that you're at risk for pneumonia and any number of infections. So, Grey, you are staying here. My orders. Non negotiable."

Meredith closed her eyes again, not bothering to use what little strength she had to argue.

She softened her tone. "The important thing to keep in mind is that you _will_ get to go home. You gave us quite a scare, Meredith."

Meredith swallowed and opened her eyes, turning to Derek instead of Bailey. Her eyes were moist when she met his. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

He shook his head and leaned in to gently press his lips against hers. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Mer. Bailey's right; the important thing to think about is that you get to come home." He was quickly realizing the merit in Bailey's earlier words to him. Regardless of where they stood on the whole guilt issue, he knew she was right about one thing; that Meredith didn't need him upset right now. She needed him calm and supportive, to sit beside her while she healed. And to be there for small things, like holding her hand while she got a needle.

"Glad you're realizing that I'm always right, Shepherd," Bailey cut in.

He laughed as he glanced in her direction.

"Now, Meredith, before I get this down to the lab, do you need anything? Are you in pain?"

Meredith turned her head back towards Bailey and paused as she seemed to be taking stock of her body. "Yeah," she admitted, causing Derek's heart to clench. For her to admit to pain, she must really be in pain. He couldn't imagine what it must feel like, waking up to a body that was slowly coming back to life, dealing with broken ribs and soggy lungs and bruises from the impact into the water.

"Do you want something?"

Another pause. "No...not now..."

"Okay. I'll come and check on you after you've been moved upstairs."

"m'kay."

"Lastly, can I ask you a favour?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes as the smallest hints of a smirk appeared on her lips. "I'll trade you...a favour..."

"Grey," Bailey said in a huff. "Don't even go there."

But Meredith kept her smirk. "I'll do...a favour...if I can go...home..."

Bailey said nothing, just glared at her.

"I'll have...doctors around...all...the time."

"And those doctors you are referring to are ­_my_ other interns, whom not only am I still training, but whom I need here, at the hospital, dealing with the other sick and whining patients."

Meredith furrowed her forehead. "...not whining..."

Derek couldn't help but laugh. A wonderful laughing breath escaped his lips. And it felt good. Meredith was alive. _Alive._ And she was back to being the amazingly stubborn and snarky woman he loved so very much. She was exhausted and in pain and lying in a hospital bed after being clinically dead for hours. And yet she was standing up to her resident.

His laugh, although he tried to conceal it, caught Meredith's attention, and she dragged him into the argument.

"Derek," she pointed out. "Derek will be there... And he's all trained."

"Grey, don't even get me started on him."

Derek almost laughed again. "Hey! That's not fair. I am perfectly capable of-"

"You are not taking her home, Derek."

"I never said I was," he countered. Truthfully, he was glad she would be staying for a few days. It comforted him that help would be so near should something go wrong. As much as he wanted to take her home and wrap her in his arms in their bed, he knew she needed to be here right now.

"You don't...want...to take me home?" Meredith spoke up.

He hesitated for a moment. "Of course I do," he stammered, knowing she was trying to joke with him. But also knowing he had somehow managed to get himself stuck between the two women who could effectively boss him around if they wanted. He had to tread lightly. "I want you home very much. But it's important you stay here for a while, so that you get to come home. Remember? That's what's important here, that you _will_ get to come home." He offered both women a smile, hoping they would both realize how he had tied everything together.

Bailey simply rolled her eyes. But Meredith held his gaze, searching for something in his.

Derek cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing together as he searched back, wondering what she could be questioning in him. She looked vulnerable suddenly, in a way that had nothing to do with the fact that she had experienced the horrors of death, or the fact that she was in pain, or the fact that she wasn't able to go home. She looked almost scared, in a way he had never seen before from her. He started when she squeezed his hand with more strength than he had felt yet.

"I'm here," he whispered on impulse.

Her eyes flickered ever so slightly.

And he knew, with sudden clarity, exactly what she was looking for. "I'll be here," he clarified. Not only could he remember what she had told him about the aetiology of her fear of needles, but of her fear of being a patient. Her tonsils had come out as a child, he remembered. She had stayed overnight in the hospital. By herself. With nothing comforting and familiar, and no one to love her. Derek leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I love you," he whispered. "And I'll be here the whole time."

She didn't respond verbally, but her eyes pinched ever so slightly, and her gaze told him she was thankful. She squeezed his hand again.

Bailey cleared her throat. "Good, now that we all agree you're staying, can you do me that favour?"

Meredith slowly turned her head back towards her resident and, unable to give up what may be the one chance she had any leverage to argue, said, "I still get...a favour...of my own."

She grumbled, but her eyes shone in a way that told Derek she was just as happy as him to see Meredith's personality shining through her tiredness and pain. "Fine. You get one favour, Grey. But it can only be something I can do. I won't be granting a request for you to go home first thing tomorrow morning."

"Deal."

"Good."

"What...d'you need?"

"I need you to let those fools hovering outside in here for a few minutes, to prove to them that you're okay so that I can actually get some help around here."

Derek furrowed his brow and turned on his stool, spotting all of Meredith's friends on the other side of the glass window. He had had no idea they were there. "Your friends," he added to Meredith, uncertain whether she could see them.

She smiled and managed another nod. "Yeah...want to...see them..."

Derek smiled and turned to motion that it was okay to come in. Meredith needed her family.

000

The powerful and deep darkness she seemed to fall into every time her new found fatigue washed over her was becoming easier to crawl out of every time she fought her way to the surface.

It was nothing like the water had been. This time when she made it to the surface she stayed there. And it was warm. And Derek was there.

Derek was there every time.

It made her feel safe.

_He_ made her feel safe.

Consciousness slowly seeped into her brain as the healing darkness fell away. She could hear footsteps and voices and machines in the distance, a product of being on a hospital floor. Her new bed was much more comfortable than the trauma room gurney. And she was feeling warmer than the last time she had awoken.

Her body was exhausted. It ached. It screamed profanities at her when she asked it to move more than a few inches. But each time she woke, she felt a little better. The deep sleeping spells she kept succumbing too were healing.

After her friends had crowded into her trauma room, complete with tears and happy smile and _thank-god-you're-okay_s, Meredith had fallen back to sleep. She had woken for the third time in transit to her hospital room. At first she had been terrified, waking up with the world moving around her, in pain, not knowing what was going on. But Derek had ordered that the gurney be stopped. And when the world had stopped moving, he had flooded her field of vision, allowing her to breathe again.

The experience had been stressful enough that she had fallen back to sleep as soon as soon as she had been settled in her new bed, Derek's hand firmly in hers.

It was late now, she realized. She must have been asleep for several hours, but it must have been a good sleep, because she was feeling so much stronger. Her room was lit only by the hallway lights and the monitors she was attached too – more than she would like, but less than she had had downstairs. She shifted and her head fell to the left as she stared long and hard at her heart monitor, taking stock. It was the first time she had actively sought information about her health, and she wondered absently why she hadn't earlier.

Her heart rate was good. Normal. Slow; speaking to the fact that she had just been sleeping. Her blood pressure could be a little stronger. Her oxygen saturation was a little low, but would come back up.

"What are you doing?" Derek's gentle question pulled her from her self evaluation. He had been asleep in the chair beside her, still clutching to one hand, his other arm bent across the mattress below his head.

Meredith carefully turned her head towards him, smiling at the sight. His hair, which he usually put so much care into keeping so perfect, stuck out at odd angles, unruly and rebellious. She offered him a smile and reached a hand upwards, running her fingers through his curls. "Mmm," she murmured, "You have bed hair."

He smiled back at her, before leaning down to kiss her. "So do you."

She started to giggle, but stopped quickly as the force of her diaphragm cause what could only be described as agony for her sore ribs.

Derek's smile was immediately gone. "What? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Meredith winced as she released a breath, wanting nothing more than for the pain to go away and for Derek to smile again. "You're not allowed to make me laugh for a while, okay?" She said lightly.

He seemed to calm at her words, understanding. "Ribs sore?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"S'not your fault."

Derek reached his hand over her ribcage, his fingers laying flat only an inch above her, but not touching. Afraid to touch her. "It kind of is."

She clicked her tongue and reached a hand towards his hovering one, pressing down so that he made contact with her. He tried to pull away, but she didn't let him, meeting his eyes as she held his hand to her ribcage. "You could never hurt me, Derek."

He closed his eyes for a long moment, and when he opened them, they were still trained on hers, and were filling with tears. "I don't want you to be in pain."

"But I will be. For a while. Kind of a benefit to being alive. I can't be pain free and alive right now, Derek. And if I have to choose, I definitely choose the pain."

He nodded, drawing a shuddery breath. "Thank-you. Although, we can do something for the pain."

"I'm already on stuff..."

"We could get you something stronger. Morphine?"

With what extra strength she could muster, Meredith swiped at him. "I told you not to make me laugh."

He chuckled. "I so wasn't thinking about that."

"Whatever. You were probably planning on _accidentally_ leaving your phone in here...and then videotaping it...or something."

Derek laughed. "You caught me," he said dryly.

"No morphine. Never again."

"What if I promise not to let you near my phone?"

"I don't believe you."

"It's true," he insisted. "Hell, I'm pretty sure my phone doesn't work anymore..."

"Why not?"

He gave her a look. "It got a little wet."

She started as a wave of realization washed over her. Realization of exactly what he had done for her. Tears welled in her eyes and she raised her free hand to his face, her fingers bending around the curve of his cheek. "Derek..." she breathed.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "God, Mer, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't want you to be upset. The phone doesn't matter."

"It's not about the phone," she whispered. "You saved me. You _fought_ for me."

He nodded, using his thumb to brush away her tears. "Of course I did. I love you, Mer. I'll always fight for you."

She swallowed hard, wanting nothing more than to have him pull her into his arms and hold her tight. But it would be so long before he could do that. "I wasn't ready," she whispered.

"For what?"

"To die."

He was silent, his expression one of stone.

Meredith took a cleansing breath before continuing. "It's stupid, but I was in the water, and I knew I wasn't going to make it, and all I could think about was you. I wanted more time."

He stood suddenly, moving to half sit and half crouch beside her, as close as he could be without hurting her. "It's not stupid, Meredith. It's so far away from stupid that...there isn't a word for it."

"I never expected this, and I'm not always good at it, but I love it, Derek. I love you. And I love being a part of...us."

"Good; cause I'm not letting you go anywhere. And you're never not good at this, Meredith. You're perfect. Absolutely perfect."

"All I wanted was more," she found herself whispering. "There are so many things I haven't done, that _we_ haven't done." Meredith was overwhelmed to tell him everything she was thinking, wanting to share, to include him in her thoughts. "There are so many things left on the list. And we're supposed to go away together. And I'm supposed to meet your family. And we're supposed to...have a future."

"We're going to do all those things," he murmured, his eyes also filled with tears now.

She offered him a watery smile. "I feel..." she trailed off, shaking her head as she struggled to come up with the right words. "Free. I feel free, like there's nothing to hold me back now. I'm alive, Derek. _Alive_. All of these things that scared me seem so stupid now. Do you have any idea how stupid all my issues seem now?"

"They're not stupid," he comforted.

"But they are. I love you, Derek. I really, freaking love you. And I want to experience things with you. All of the things we talked about. Getting married. Building our house. Having babies. I want it all, Derek. And suddenly it doesn't seem that scary anymore. Screw it; it doesn't seem scary at all anymore. The only thing that scares me is _not_ having it-"

He kissed her. Not hard and deep and passionate as they both would have liked, but still filled with passion even though he barely touched her as he pressed his lips tenderly against hers. He was crying freely now. "I love you so much, Meredith. I'm glad it's not scary anymore. I don't want you to be scared ever again. Not ever."

"You're here," she whispered to him, smiling when he leaned his forehead against hers.

"I'll always be here," he promised. "I want a lifetime with you, Meredith." His voice broke as a sob bubbled up his throat. "And I'm so glad our lifetime didn't end today."

Before she could help it, Meredith hooked her arm around his neck and hugged him close, ignoring the pain.

"Mer-" He tried to pull away.

"Don't. Please. Just hold me. Please. Just for a minute."

One strong arm very carefully made its way around her, hugging her back. "It's going to be okay."

"I believe you," she whispered.

He carefully pulled away, his eyes red and puffy. "Are you okay?"

She sniffed and nodded. "Yeah. Tired, but yeah."

"Tomorrow will be better."

"Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She squeezed his hand. "Will you...hold me tonight?" The exhaustion was back, and all she wanted was the fall asleep in his arms.

"Mer..."

"Please," she pleaded, sensing a no on his lips.

"It's not that I don't want to. Trust me; there's nothing I would rather do right now. But...I don't want to hurt you," he breathed.

"You won't. Here, just help me move over."

His face was filled with concern and confliction. But also want. He needed this too. "Okay," he conceded, helping her scoot over on the small bed.

When she was settled on her side, he lay behind her, not pulling her back into his chest and pushing his knees against the backs of hers and holding her tight like he normally would, but cautiously draping his right arm over her side and burying his nose in her hair.

"If you're going to be here for a few days, we're definitely going to have to get you your conditioner."

Her hair must smell horrible now, having been saturated with salt water and left to dry on its own in a sterile trauma room. But the comment made her smile. It reminded her of months ago when they had been lying in their bed together, just like this, hours after she had nearly been blown up, realizing they were both still okay. And Derek had made a comment about the smell of her hair.

"I have a bottle in my locker," she murmured. "Maybe tomorrow you can help me have a shower."

His lips pressed against the back of her head. "It would be my pleasure."

Meredith smiled to herself, grateful to be alive and breathing and in Derek's warm arms. "Tomorrow will be better," she whispered.

Derek scoffed lightly. "We thought that yesterday."

She considered his words, remembering their conversation the night before. "True. But have some faith, Derek."

"Faith, huh?" His arm tightened ever so slightly around her, not enough to hurt her, but enough to remind her how much he loved her. "I have faith in us."

"Me too."

_**AN: I always liked the scene early in Grey's when Bailey middle names Burke, so I've wanted her to do the same to Derek for some time. And the inspiration for Meredith barring her soul to Derek came from her talk in season four with parachute guy.**_


	58. Chapter 58

Derek was exhausted.

He was a light sleeper; always had been. And now, even with the exhaustion of the day before, he still found himself waking to every small sound. The beeping and humming of the many monitors by the bedside had gradually become background noise, but the excessive checks performed by night nurses, Bailey and Richard, and Meredith's many friends had woken Derek time after time.

At first he had raised his head to greet whoever was there, but soon he simply buried his face deeper into the back of Meredith's head and kept his eyes closed tight. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and knew he needed sleep. But even when he was awoken for the twentieth time, he still couldn't be annoyed. Because Meredith was warm and breathing and in his arms. And that was something he doubted he could ever take for granted again.

Right now that was the only thing in the world that mattered to him.

A series of footsteps echoed on the hard hospital floor, pulling Derek from his light slumber once again.

"Who's presenting?" Richard's familiar voice rang out.

Rounds. That meant it was somewhere around six in the morning. Normally they would wake the patient, but seeing as Meredith wasn't having surgery today, didn't have tests scheduled until later and was a VIP patient, they were likely leaving her to sleep if possible. It was tempting to keep his eyes closed and wait until everyone left, but he wanted to be a part of her team, even if he was strictly on the family-and-friends side of it.

After carefully pulling his arm away from Meredith's waist, Derek propped himself up on his elbow and ran his hand over his face, willing himself to be less tired. Bailey greeted him with a tired smile, with a hint of tension, and Richard avoided his gaze. Derek furrowed his brow, confused, but quickly shook off his confusion, telling himself they had probably been up all night.

"Uh, Meredith Grey, twenty-eight-" George began after no one else spoke up, only to be cut off.

"_Doctor_ Meredith Grey," Cristina cut in with a roll of her eyes and a glare sent towards George.

Meredith herself groaned as she opened her eyes, taking in the many doctors standing before her. "This is so not cool from this side..." She mumbled. When she had had her appendix out, she hadn't been rounded on. Bailey had demanded she be kept overnight for observation, and had given Derek the green light to take her home first thing the next morning.

Everyone smiled at her comment, and Derek placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Doctor Meredith Grey, twenty-eight-" George began, only to be cut off again.

"In for surgical removal of neurosurgeon," Alex cut in. "First attempts were unsuccessful, but we hope to- oompf," he expelled a breath of air as Izzy elbowed him hard in the stomach.

"Shut up, Alex," she hissed.

"What?" He asked, taking a step away from her. "Everyone else thought it was funny."

And it was true. Christina and George were laughing quietly, and Bailey and the Chief cracked smiles. Even Meredith laughed, for a second at least, before the force of the action took its toll on her sore ribs and she gasped in pain.

Derek was quickly up and leaning over her, careful not to put any pressure on her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, her eyes still closed in pain. "Laughing...bad."

Bailey stepped forward, concerned for her fallen intern. "Meredith, do you want something stronger for the pain?"

Meredith released a shaky breath and shook her head. "No. Never again."

"Grey," she chastised, "You're obviously in pain."

"Pain fades. Doing embarrassing things on morphine lasts forever."

Derek had to laugh. "Mer, I already promised not to let you near a phone."

She grumbled and slowly turned onto her back so she could see him better. "There are still hundreds of people in this hospital I could say things to."

Before he could respond, Bailey spoke up again. "How about some Tylenol threes?"

Meredith hesitated for a moment before nodding. Despite her history with strong pain killers, it was obvious to anyone that she was in pain and needed something.

Alex was sent into the halls to track down the painkillers and some water, leaving the rest of the group to finish their assessment of Meredith's condition. Holding tightly to her hand, Derek sat back and listened while they discussed her accident, vitals and expected recovery. He nodded every few moments at what was being said, but also took the time to do his own assessments.

Richard still refused to meet his eyes. Every so often the older surgeon would glance in his direction, only to glance away quickly. He also wasn't saying much. Bailey was doing most of the talking, and was asking most of the questions, which wasn't all that unusual, but Derek would have expected more input from Richard for one of his staff. And Bailey was also being overly positive, which wasn't like her. Meredith had a good prognosis and knew it, as did everyone else in the room, so there was no need for Bailey to repeat every positive thing over and over. And Meredith's friends were too supportive and upbeat for the time of the day and the fact that they had probably all been working all night. They seemed to smile at Meredith every time she glanced in their direction. Something was up.

Alex came back in with the Tylenol threes, a cup of water and a coffee. He passed the water and pills over to Bailey, who was helped Meredith to sit up, and turned to Derek, holding out the coffee. "You look like you need it, man," he offered.

"Thanks," Derek said gratefully, taking the cup. Even after four years of medical school and a surgical internship and residency, Derek doubted he had ever been this tired. When this was all over and he could finally take her home, he was going to lock himself and Meredith in their room and sleep for a day and a half.

Once the back of Meredith's hospital bed was up at the right angle and she was settled, and had taken her pills, rounds continued...even though there wasn't anything left to say.

Bailey made a show of paraphrasing everything that had been said, as Richard nodded along beside her. _Things look up. You're really lucky. There shouldn't be any long term effects._

They were stalling, Derek realized suddenly. There was something they weren't saying that they didn't want to say. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to stay calm. If it were something about her condition, they would have said something by now. And he would have noticed it. Despite his silent assurances to himself, Derek found his eyes drawn to the monitor screen, checking and re-checking her vitals. Everything seemed fine, great even. Meredith was doing as well as could possibly be hoped after what she had gone through. He released a shaky breath, wondering if maybe he was so tired he wasn't seeing something obvious.

Eventually nothing more could be said, and Bailey sent her remaining interns out of the room, leaving only herself and Richard with Meredith and Derek.

Derek watched them go with a sense of foreboding. Something bad was coming. Richard met his eyes for the first time, and Derek immediately saw great sadness there.

Bailey sighed heavily and sat on the edge of Meredith's bed. "Meredith," she said quietly. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand, trying to belay support while a thousand worst case scenarios ran through his head. Something was very wrong.

Meredith glanced slowly towards Richard and then back to Bailey. "It's my mother, isn't it?"

"Meredith, I'm so sorry."

"Is she dead?"

Bailey nodded. "She coded late yesterday afternoon. They did everything they could, but they couldn't get her back."

Derek released the breath he had been holding. "Oh, Mer," he murmured, "I'm so sorry."

Her eyes welled slightly, but she did not cry, her gaze still trained on her resident. "Do you know why?"

"Not yet. We assume she had a cardio infarction related to her condition. And we need your permission to..."

"Do an autopsy?" Meredith finished quietly.

Bailey nodded silently.

Meredith inhaled a shaky breath, turning towards Derek, who quickly sat on the edge of her hospital bed, facing her as he carefully wrapped his arms around her frail body. "I'm here, Mer. It'll be okay."

She pressed her face into his shoulder, trembling slightly. "I knew it was real," she barely whispered against him.

Having no idea what his girlfriend was talking about, but knowing it wasn't the time to question her, he rested his chin against her head. "I'm here," he repeated.

Meredith sniffed and slowly raised her head, turning to meet Bailey's gaze again. "I..." she trailed off before slowly shaking her head. "She wouldn't want that."

Miranda nodded in understanding. "I'm very sorry, Meredith."

"It's okay," she said quietly, before repeating her words louder. "It's okay."

Derek leaned in to press his lips against the side of her head, making certain she knew he was there for her.

"I know this is horrible timing," Bailey continued. "And you must already be in enough pain this morning, but..." she sighed, glancing towards the Chief and back, "We didn't want you to hear about it from someone else."

Meredith nodded absently. "Okay."

Derek's heart went out to her as she swallowed hard. He kept one arm securely around her back, reached for her hands with his free one, and leaned his forehead against the side of her head. Her relationship with her mother was complicated at best, and he had no way of understanding it. And it was killing him, because he had no idea what she was thinking.

He loved her so much his heart ached for her when she was in pain, and right now all he wanted was to be able to make everything better, to be able to go back to the previous morning and keep her in bed, hidden away from the world. She didn't deserve any of this.

And he couldn't save her from it.

000

Meredith was exhausted.

It felt like all she did was sleep...and yet every time she found herself awake she was exhausted. Apparently the whole coming back from the dead thing took a lot out of a person.

The diuretic she was on was helping, but her chest still felt heavy. The pain killers were blocking some of her nocioreceptors, but her ribs still throbbed every time she moved. And all of her friends and coworkers were staring at her like she was on display.

The only thing that was keeping her going was the fact there Derek had barely left her side all day. He had been there when she had woken up. He had been there when she had been told her mother had died. He had been behind the glass during her CT scan, and had stayed right outside the room when she had had her x-ray. He had been there every time she drifted off and re-awoken, felt like talking, and just needed someone to sit with her and hold her hand.

He was exhausted too; she could tell. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy lidded. His hair was as messy as she had ever seen it, and his clothing – the same as she had been wearing the previous day – was rumpled.

But as much as she wanted to tell him it was okay to leave her side, to go home, get a change of clothes and some rest, she couldn't bare to let the words leave her mouth.

"How are you feeling?" Derek murmured suddenly, squeezing her hand.

Meredith turned her head towards him, offering a small smile. "Tired."

His lips curled upwards in response. "Hmm... That's understandable."

She rolled her eyes. "You're not supposed to be trying to make me laugh."

His expression darkened immediately. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

She sighed. He needed to stop doing this to himself. "I'm fine, Derek," she said lightly.

"But you're in pain."

"That's because I'm alive."

His chest heaved as he tried to hide the fact that he sucked in a breath.

Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat. He was in pain too, but she wasn't in a position to do much to help him right now. "Look, Derek, laughing makes my ribs hurt, but they'll heal. And I'm tired, but I'll get my energy back. Things will get better."

He nodded. "Of course they will. You just need time for your levels to come back and-"

"Shut up!" She hissed at him. "This is not about me. This is about you. You look horrible and I'm trying to help you feel better. I'm going to be fine, and that's because of you, Derek. So you just need to chill."

The corner of his lips twitched before curling upward into a smirk. "Well, it seems your feistiness has come back fully."

Meredith glared at him, but his smirk only grew.

"It's too bad your physical recovery can't be as quick as your moody one."

"Why do I bother trying to be nice?"

Still smirking, he leaned in close and pressed his lips against her cheek. "Because you love me."

She laughed, and it was worth the pain. "Unfortunately," she shot back.

Derek leaned in and kissed her again, this time on the lips. "I love you too, Meredith," he said wryly.

Meredith smiled at him when he pulled away. He was still dishevelled, but his eyes were sparkling like they had been before the previous day. For a long moment she lost herself in his eyes, revelling in the feeling of normalcy; for just a few seconds she could forget the pain and exhaustion, and the fact that she was lying in a hospital bed, and that her mother was dead.

For a moment it was just her and Derek. And he was looking at her like he loved her, and would always love her; not like he was afraid to lose her.

When the moment was over the look slowly faded from his eyes, but they still shone with love, and a little less fear. Meredith squeezed his hand and let her eyes flutter shut, allowing herself to fall back to sleep with the knowledge that they would be okay.

Hours later, after the activity of the hospital died down, and Derek had found a spot for himself beside her on the small hospital bed, Meredith found herself awake while he slept. It was a rare situation even when she was perfectly healthy, so she was taking a few moments to savour it.

His arm was loose around her, and resting low against her side, far from her ribs, but she still felt safe and protected. And the even breathing against the back of her neck was comforting. He was finally sleeping. They had been awoken early the day her mother had been lucid, and had barely gotten any sleep the night after. And Meredith was certain he hadn't gotten much rest the night before. After four days of next to no sleep, Derek was finally crashing. Cristina had dropped in to check on her before leaving for the night, and Derek hadn't even stirred.

Meredith moved her hand downwards to twine her fingers with his, and smiled when he snuggled just a bit closer. She yawned and allowed her eyes to flutter shut, feeling sleep creeping up on her again – only to be interrupted.

Footsteps echoed on the hard floor, and Meredith opened her eyes to greet her newest visitor.

"How are you feeling, Grey?" He resident asked, chart in hand.

"Dr. Bailey," she greeted, "I haven't seen you in two whole hours."

She clicked her tongue. "Don't get fresh with me, Grey. I do have other patients."

"Exactly. I don't need hourly checks by every doctor in this hospital. I've been stable for more than twenty-four hours."

Bailey nodded in understanding. "We're just worried about you. You gave everyone quite a scare yesterday. Especially him," she added, motioning towards Derek.

Meredith tightened her fingers in Derek's. "I'm sorry," she whispered, to both her resident and her slumbering boyfriend.

Bailey clicked her tongue once again. "Don't you be doing that, too."

"Doing what?"

"Being sorry. These things just happen sometimes. It was no ones fault. And I definitely don't need to be dealing with a guilt ridded intern and neurosurgeon."

"He feels guilty?" Meredith whispered, feeling her heart clench.

"Of course he does."

"But...why?" Derek hadn't done anything to be guilt for. He had saved her life.

"Because he's Derek Shepherd," Bailey said dryly. And then she sighed and softened her tone. "And that's what you do when you almost lose the person you love. You try and come up with any way you could have stopped it from happening."

"But he didn't do anything..."

"I know that. And, Meredith, he knows that. But it may take a while for him to let himself believe it."

"Okay," she murmured.

"Good," Bailey said with a nod. "And as long as you're still doing fine, I'm finally going to be able to go home."

"Lucky you," Meredith said wryly. "My doctor has ordered me to stay here."

She cracked a smile. "We'll see how you are in a day or two. But for now you have to stay. And he needs to go home."

"What? No."

"Meredith... I overlooked the fact that he stayed with you last night, but it's like you said; you've been stable for more than twenty-four hours."

"But-"

Bailey sighed, her tone soft and apologetic. "You're a patient in this hospital. And you're going to be fine. And visiting hours were over almost an hour ago."

"But-"

"Meredith," she cut in again. "I know this must be hard, but it will be okay. You don't need him here."

Tears welled in her eyes. It scared her to think about not having him by her side right now. "But I do."

"Grey," Bailey said warningly.

"You owe me," Meredith shot back. "We made a deal yesterday, and you owe me a favour."

"I said it had to be something realistic."

"This is totally realistic. I'm just asking you to look the other way. We do it all the time."

"Yes, but..."

"But what?"

"He's not technically family, Meredith."

Meredith felt like she had been punched in the gut. It was Derek, for crying out loud. If the last year had taught her anything, it was family didn't have to be blood. "Yes, he is," she insisted. "And if you insist on him leaving, I'll sign myself out AMA."

"This is getting ridiculous, Meredith. I know what you went through was-"

"You have no idea what I went through," she countered, the tears from before spilling from her eyes. She was exposed and vulnerable in front of her resident, but she couldn't find the strength to keep up her walls. The thought of losing Derek's unwavering support was like a wrecking ball, smashing her carefully built fortress of walls to smithereens. "You have no idea what it was like...in the water... You have no idea how cold...how scary..." She swallowed hard, forcing herself to draw a deep breath. If she got too upset, she was sure to wake Derek. And he really needed the sleep he was getting. "I _need_ him here," she insisted. "I can't..." She trailed off, unable to say more.

But she didn't need to say any more. Bailey looked shell shocked, taken by surprise with her intern's sudden vulnerability and admission. "I...I had no idea, Meredith," she said quietly. "I never..." She trailed off and shook her head.

Meredith sniffed and closed her eyes, willing the tears to stop. She reminded herself again and again that Derek was there, right behind her, holding her close. And it helped. He made her feel warm and safe, keeping her mind away from the thought of losing him. It never even occurred to her that she had never seen her resident speechless before.

"I'm sorry, Meredith," Bailey offered. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

Meredith opened her eyes. "I need him," she repeated.

"Okay. I can look the other way." She cracked a smile. "But no more favours."

"Deal."

"Get some sleep, Grey," Bailey said, rebuilding her own walls. "You need your strength so we can send you home soon; get you out of our hair."

Meredith smiled back. "Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey quickly said a finally goodnight to her intern and left the room, leaving Meredith alone with Derek and darkness.

"You're here," Meredith found herself whispering.

Still fast asleep, Derek squeezed her hand ever so slightly, but it was enough for her. It calmed her heart, and Meredith closed her eyes, falling into a peaceful sleep where she was safe and warm.

Her mother had died. Meredith herself had almost died. And she had a long recovery to look forward to. But for right now, every felt like it was going to be okay.

_**AN: I struggled with the second half of this chapter for quite some time. I needed to show that Meredith is vulnerable, and is secure enough in her relationship that she'll admit to needing Derek around. I'm aware that the conversation between her and Bailey makes Bailey look a bit like a bitch, but that wasn't my intention. Bailey is trying to follow the rules, thinks at first that Derek is just being clingy, but is then shocked by Meredith's reaction. And she really is a compassionate person, so she gets it.**_

_**The next chapter should be up way faster than this one was, along with another chapter of HWA, and possibly a oneshot...if I can still make it work after last night's epi...**_


	59. Chapter 59

_**AN: So, I thought this would be up sooner, but the chapter that was originally supposed to be chapter 59 got mostly written before I realized I needed another chapter before it. And then that chapter got partially written before I realized THIS needed to happen first. This is why I need to write things down and not just do my planning in my head and believe I'll remember everything all the time...**_

The wheels squealed as they turned. Round and round and round, overriding every other sound around her.

In actual fact, the squealing was probably quiet, not meeting the ears of anyone else, but it was all Meredith could hear. It was all she could focus on.

It was all she could _allow_ herself to focus on.

It took her mind away from what she was about to do. It had seemed so simple before. Not easy, but...necessary. And okay. Definitely something she could handle.

But now it seemed...impossible. Definitely impossible.

Sympathetic and pitying and prying eyes met hers as she passed. Every hospital employee seemed to know exactly what had happened to her the previous day. And they all stared now, as if she were a celebrity. A broken, dejected star, fallen right off the front cover of an unnamed tabloid.

Because, seriously, this kind of thing _never_ happened in real life. So it was okay to stare.

It was okay to stare at the girl who had almost died for the second time in just a few months, who was a patient for the second time in just a few weeks. And whose mother – a famous surgeon – had just died. And who was dating – and had been saved by – the Head of Neurosurgery (whose ex-wife, another department head, had cheated on him with his best friend, yet another department head).

You couldn't make this stuff up. So people stared.

And even though she knew it was curiosity more than anything that drove the stares, Meredith still closed her eyes and concentrated on the squealing wheels of her wheelchair. The sound was sharp and painful, and a completely welcome escape from the stares and the pain and the knowledge of what she had to do.

Derek, true to his word, had barely left her side since she had woken on the trauma room gurney in a world of pain the day before. And her knight in shining whatever was now playing the role of chauffeur, pushing her slowly down the hallway to the elevator.

It seemed he too didn't want to reach their destination anytime soon.

Despite the staring eyes and pitying glances, the hallway ended too quickly, leaving them at the elevators. And the high pitched squeak, squeak, squeak of the wheelchair stopped.

Derek left his post to step around her, reaching a finger out for the button, summoning an elevator car to their floor. When he turned back he offered her a smile.

It was tense and his colouring was pale and his eyes danced worriedly, but it was a smile.

Her lips curled upwards on reflex. He smiled; she smiled. It was a built in response now.

"You ready for this?" It was a stupid question. He knew it was a stupid question, but he needed to say something to her. He needed to tell her he was still there for her. He also knew the answer.

"No," she mumbled truthfully. She hadn't even had to suppress the urge to say she was fine. There was nothing fine about this.

"I'm here." It had become his mantra. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

And he was. Always.

A beeping drew them from their brief moment, and Derek returned to his place behind her as the elevator doors opened. The car was, thankfully, empty, and Derek took advantage of the space to push the wheelchair on – being extra careful of the minute bump between the hospital floor and elevator bottom – and turned her around, so she was facing the doors, just waiting for them to open on their floor.

He left her again to push another button. The 'B' for basement.

And this time when he turned around he couldn't offer her a smile. There was nothing smile-worthy about where they were going.

But he would be there with her, and that was enough. _That_ was what she needed to get through this day.

"Mer..." He began, but no more words came out.

She nodded, blinking back tears. _I know_, she was telling him, even though he couldn't put anything into words. It wasn't okay. But he was there.

He silently returned to his post behind her. The elevator began descending. One floor. Two.

And suddenly his chin was on her shoulder, his cheek pressed against hers. And one strong arm was wrapped loosely around her neck, offering her as much support as it could without hugging her. Because as much as she desperately needed a hug, he couldn't give her one, so here he was doing his best, bent over the back of her wheelchair, holding her as best he could.

Her chest hitched and one hand came up to grasp onto his forearm. The other one found his hair. "Derek..." She breathed, shutting her eyes tight.

"I'm here." And then he sniffed.

He was fighting off tears as well.

She pressed her cheek hard against his, absorbing his warmth.

And for one perfect second everything seemed okay.

But then her world was shattered as the elevator came to a crushing stop.

Meredith reluctantly uncurled her fingers from Derek's hair, and he pulled away, planting a kiss on the top of her head before standing upright.

The doors opened. The wheelchair started moving forward.

This hallway was much different from the one above. There were no pitying glances. Hell, there were no people besides her and Derek. And it was cold. And quiet, save for the drawn out squeak, squeak, squeak of the wheels of her chair.

No words were passed between them as Derek led them down a pathway they had both taken before many times, but always as doctors, never as...this.

She caught sight of the imposing swinging doors at the end of the hallway and swallowed hard at the letters above them. M. O. R. G. U. E.

This was it.

It was time to say goodbye.

000

The staff of the morgue were much more tactful than those upstairs who cater to living patients; these people were used to dealing with corpses and the corpses' late families. There were no stares. No pitying glances or vies for gossip material.

Meredith was met with professional almost-smiles and nods. They knew who she was, but weren't looking for anything from her. They had expected her, and ushered her – via Derek – down the hall to the right to a small room used for identification and goodbyes.

Two large paned glass windows broke the monotony of the white washed walls. Curtains were drawn on the other side. The morgue director stopped, uncertain. "Did you want to go in, Dr. Grey?"

Meredith nodded, numb.

The director said nothing as he opened the door. Normally there would be a few practiced sentences of warning, but he knew it wasn't necessary.

Derek's hand landed on her shoulder, offering a supportive squeeze before it returned to the handle of the wheelchair.

A gurney lay in the center of the small room, covered by a white sheet, complete with tell-tale bumps, outlining a body.

"Take as much time as you need," the director spoke quietly. "I'll leave you two alone."

Derek said something to the man, but Meredith couldn't make it out. Her throat was suddenly dry as she stared at the outline of her mother's body under the stark white sheet.

The door shut behind her, and the only sound in the room was Derek breathing behind her. In. Out. And then, "I'm here."

A hissing, frustrated laugh escaped her lips.

His tone changed when he spoke again. "I'm sorry I don't know what to say." Desperate. Apologetic. Lost.

Unable to turn herself to face him, she lifted a hand, knowing he would meet it with his own. "Trust me, Derek, you being here is the only reason I'm still standing...or whatever. Seriously, that was a stupid freaking metaphor, because I can't even stand." She had scoffed at the concept of a wheelchair that morning, but when she hadn't even been able to stand on her own, she had relented.

"It'll get better," he soothed.

She squeezed his hand. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered.

"Do you want...what do you want?"

She stared at the form before her. "I don't know."

He stepped closer behind her, still clutching her hand, his other falling onto her shoulder. "Do you want to be closer?"

It felt like her world was spinning. Regardless of the fact that her mother had been gone for many years, the fact that she was now _gone_, gone seemed impossible. "I..." she trailed off.

"Or...should I pull the sheet back for you?"

Her lower jaw quivered, ready to move if only words would come to her. Everything seemed so surreal. The size of the room wasn't constant, instead the walls seemed to be vibrating. Close. Far. Close. Far. It was as if everything was closing in on her and shooting away at the same time. And a horrible white figure loomed before her.

"Or maybe you wanted to try standing again? I can help you, if you want to-"

"Shut up!" She finally snapped. "I just...shut up! I don't know what I freaking want, okay?" Tears flowed over her lower lids and a sob escaped her lips. "Stop pushing me. I just need a freaking minute. Okay? Can you just...stop?"

Silence.

Meredith released Derek's hand and brought both of hers to her face. Tears now streamed down her face freely. Her chest heaved painfully as she sobbed. Nothing was okay.

Nothing was okay at all.

Derek crouched beside her, his arms wrapping loosely around her, not daring to hold her tight, but needing to be there. He said nothing, knowing there was nothing he could say to make this any easier. And suddenly things were just a little bit okay, a little less out of control.

"Oh...I..." she sobbed.

He leaned his forehead against the side of her head and breathed. In. Out. In. Out.

She moved one hand from her face to his hair, clutching desperately at his curls. "I'm s-sorry," she cried.

"Hey," he soothed. "It doesn't matter."

She inhaled a shaky breath, before expelling it in a rush of pain and pathetic-ness. "I need you," she whispered between sobs. "I...I need you."

"I'm here."

Meredith cried. "You're all I have."

"That's not true," he assured. "You have so many people in your life, Mer. But it's okay if you love me best..."

She released a laughing sob at his attempt at humour. He was trying so hard to make this easier on her. "I need you," she whispered fiercely, needing him to understand.

"You have me."

"I can't be this."

He paused. "This?"

Her hand left her face to gesture at the form before them. "_This_," she repeated. "I...I need you."

He exhaled against her, his breath warm on her neck. "I'm sorry, Mer, but I don't understand..." His tone was so careful and regretful that it made her heart ache.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to feel."

The pressure against the side of her head disappeared as he pulled away, craning his neck to meet her eyes. He was lost in their conversation, and was searching out her gaze. They always communicated better with their eyes.

"She's my mother."

He nodded, his brow furrowed as his eyes darted back and forth between hers, searching for an answer, searching for something he could fix.

"She's my mother and she's dead...and I don't know what to feel."

"That's okay," he reassured. He knew this wasn't the root of her problem, but it was something he could respond to. It was a place he could offer some comfort. "I felt numb when my dad died. It's normal to be numb or confused."

"I see family members all the time, after the patient dies...and they're so sad. They cry and hug and look so sad. And it's stupid right now because I kind of envy them. I want to feel something."

"You've been through so much, Mer. There will be plenty of time to feel sad."

"But I don't even know if I should feel sad."

He hesitated, not in surprise to her comment, but in the realization that he was getting closer to understanding the problem she couldn't find the words to explain.

"Five years ago, when I found out about the Alzheimer's and came home to find she barely knew who I was, I was sad. I sad was for her. But now..."

He sighed. "I guess it's just been a long time coming."

She blinked back another onslaught of tears and met his eyes head on. "How sad should I feel?"

His lips tightened before he spoke. "Mer...there's no _right_ amount."

The second wave of tears hit her full force. "I don't want to be _this_."

Tears lined his eyes in despair. They had come back to _this_ and he still didn't know what _this_ was."

"I need you, Derek," Meredith sobbed. "You can't leave me."

He shook his head before leaned close and pressing his lips against hers. "Never."

"I can't become her."

Derek cocked his head, a hint of realization behind his eyes.

"I can't do the marriage thing and the kids thing if when I die our kids aren't sure what they feel."

"Oh, Mer..." he whispered, understanding sketched into his features.

"I...I want these things with you," she found herself stammering onwards. "You made me want these things, and I want them so much, but...but...I can't become her. I can't. I can't get married and treat you like she treated Thatcher. And I can't have kids and parent like she did. I can't do the things she did to me to _our_ kids. I... They can't question whether they should feel sad."

"You are nothing like her," he cut in, whispering harshly. "You are the most amazing, compassionate woman I have ever met. There is no way in hell that you'll parent like her."

"I don't ever want our kids to feel like I do right now."

"They won't," he promised. "They'll love you as much as I do. And they won't question anything."

Using the back of her hand, Meredith wiped her face as dry as she could, and offered Derek a wobbly smile. "I need you."

He nodded, understanding. "I need you too."

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled him close. In the absence of a real hug, a kiss would have to do. "Thank-you," she whispered after she finally let him pull away.

He smiled at her, his head tilting to the side. "For what?"

"For understanding me. _I_ don't even understand me."

He kissed her again. "I'll always be here, Meredith."

She nodded, her chest feeling lighter than before. "I think I do feel sad. I mean, part of me is...relieved, because...well, she wasn't...her, and hadn't been for a long time, so...relieved...for her...and me...but also sad..."

He nodded. "Okay."

With a deep breath, Meredith tore her eyes from Derek's to stare at the white form once more.

Derek stood, coming to stand half beside and half behind her, staying out of the way, but staying by her side at the same time.

"I think she did love me," Meredith found herself whispering. "In her own way, I do think maybe she did."

"She's your mother."

She nodded absently. "I love her, even though she hurt me."

"That's because you're you."

Meredith reached a hand out, running along the sheet to where she knew Ellis's arm would be. She lay her hand still for a long moment over her mother's forearm before giving it a squeeze.

Derek was quiet beside her when he spoke. "Did you want me to pull the sheet back?"

She shook her head. "No. I already said goodbye. And I don't want... I want that to be my last memory of her."

One glance in his direction told her he was confused, but wasn't about to question it.

She met his eyes and considered him for a long moment. "You'll think I'm crazy..."

He cocked his head and offered her a smirk. "I always think you're crazy."

She released a laughing breath and rolled her eyes. "I saw her."

"You saw her," he repeated.

"When I was..." She trailed off, not needing to explain further.

Understanding lined his eyes once again. "You saw her," he said again, but this time with much more confidence.

She nodded. "I had this whole...thing...and she was there...in the end. She told me I was anything but ordinary."

He smiled at her. "She was right."

"Yeah..." she breathed.

"What else...happened?" He asked hesitantly.

He believed her. It gave her courage to continue. "It was...strange. I knew things. And I don't...I can't explain it."

"It's okay. You don't have to."

"One day," she promised. "When I can wrap my head around it."

"One day."

"I did know you were fighting for me," she whispered.

"I'll always fight for you."

Her heart fluttered in her chest at his words. "I know."

"Good."

They were silent for a long moment, before Meredith took one last glance at the white form in front of her, and then motioned that she was ready to leave. Derek silently steered her out of the room, and back down the hall to the main desk.

She had chosen to have her mother cremated, and the morgue was taking care of the details, leaving her only a form to sign. When everything was said and done, the morgue director offered her his condolences, and Meredith took a deep breath as Derek steered her down the hall, through the double doors, and towards the elevator.

The elevator car was, again, empty, and she took a cleansing breath as the doors closed.

"I'm here," he whispered.

She offered him a true smile. "I know. Me too."

Derek smiled back at her. "I love you."

"I love you too." The words came easy to her, and she knew they always would. She would love the man before her for the rest of her life; and he would never question that. One day they would have babies, and she would love them openly.

And most importantly, her children – _their children_ – would never stop to question if Meredith and Derek loved them. They would grow up happy and loved and free of the memories that plagued Meredith's past.

She was certain.

She was ready.


	60. Chapter 60

_**AN: This chapter refused to go along with any flow I tried to get it to follow, wouldn't hit any sentiment I went for, and would not end where it was supposed to. It's been re-written and revised many times. And it's still pissing me off. Alas, I finally gave up trying to make it what I wanted, and let it be what it seemed to want, which turned out to be...this. And I don't really know what to say about this. The first half is scattered, but is supposed to be, because we're back to delving into Derek's mind. He's got a load of issues. The second half features lots of talking between our two favourite characters. Meredith seems off to me, but I think that's because of the chapter I'm following. She's done the vulnerable thing, and wants to be seen as normal again. But she'll always come through for Derek, even with the admission that wasn't supposed to happen here and the lack of a conversation that was supposed to happen here.**_

_**

* * *

**_

It was late.

Or maybe it was early.

Derek couldn't be sure.

The lack of sunlight coming through the window across the quiet room told him it was somewhere between sunset and sunrise. And he had lost track of the time he had spent sitting. Silent. Waiting.

What he was waiting for was another thing he was unsure of.

In fact, Derek wasn't sure of much.

Meredith was alive; that seemed to be the only thought he could hold onto for any length of time. She was alive. Her heart was beating. She was breathing. She was warm.

He loved her; that wasn't so much a thought as it was an irreversible constant in his life.

He needed her.

Derek had suffered loss before. He knew what it was like to lose a loved one without any warning, to have his life ripped out from under him. His unique childhood had led to a unique adulthood. He wasn't prone to taking things for granted. Material items held little meaning for him – he had learned at too early an age, and in the worst possible way, that life should be valued higher than possessions. He owned a fancy car, but much preferred his old, beat up land rover. He could be cocky at work, but he took his job seriously. Each and every patient was a person, and each was treated as such. All successes were celebrated and all losses mourned. He had been the one his family relied on, and not vice versa, so he wasn't taking that for granted.

In fact, Derek had never allowed himself to rely on anyone past a certain point, in fear of expecting that support and not receiving it. That is, until Meredith came into his life. She took away the fear of rejection and being vulnerable, and replaced it with a sense of wanting. He trusted her to be there, and he wanted to let her in.

He had fallen for her, hard and fast. She was different and unpredictable and remarkably stubborn, but she was perfect for him. She was the person he should spend the rest of his life with.

The person he _should_ spend the rest of his life with.

Less than a week before she had been the person he _would_ spend the rest of his life with.

But so much had changed in that week. It seemed that all the plans he had made, and all the hopes and dreams they shared, had been shattered in a desperate swipe of an arm by an injured patient.

Meredith had died.

She had been dead. Clinically dead. For hours.

Hours.

Derek had spent hours living in a world that didn't include the love of his life.

And as impossible as that thought was, it clouded his mind.

Yes, Meredith was alive well. But who knew how long she would stay that way?

He wanted more than anything to spend the rest of his life with her, to get married and start a family. He wanted to introduce her to his family, to see her be included in a way she never had before. He wanted to wear a ring that matched one on her finger. He wanted to see what their children would look like, to be there for everything, from diapers to college to grandkids.

That was Derek's dream.

And he had believed it would happen. Not that it could happen, but that it was _going to_ happen. Derek had let himself believe that he had been through enough, that he finally deserved happiness and stability.

His father had been murdered. He had become the man of the house at far too early an age. He had been a constant support for his mother and sisters, while never asking anything in exchange. He had lost his wife and his best friend in one adulterous blow. He had lost all his close friends in his move to Seattle.

Derek had suffered. He had seen the evil of the world first hand, and yet he still remained positive. He still fought for every patient. He still did good in a world that didn't returned the favour.

He was a good person. And he had let himself believe that he deserved happiness.

He had let himself believe that Meredith would always be there, no matter what, that she would never be taken from him.

She had promised him a forever, and he believed she would never chose to leave him.

But this, like so many things, were out of the hands of mortals.

There were millions of ways he could still lose her.

Maybe the drowning incident had been a warning. He had become too confident.

Derek closed his eyes as he forced a shaky breath into his lungs. When he could inhale no more, he clamped his mouth shut and held his breath for a long moment, before finally exhaling through his nose. And when he reopened his eyes, everything was still the same. Meredith was still beside him in the bed they had been sharing for months. She was still inhaling and exhaling evenly; had been for hours, in fact.

He knew because he had been watching. For hours.

She had been kept in the hospital for four days. He had spent those four days in a partially numbed state of worry and anticipation. Her constantly improving stats had done wonders for the worry, but he had still been plagued by thoughts of losing her.

And he had been certain taking her home would make him feel better. He had been certain once they were back in their bed, in their room, in the first place he could remember in a long time that felt like home, where everything was warm and familiar, that everything would be okay.

He had thought he could move past her accident, that having her home meant everything was a-okay.

But everything wasn't okay.

She was here now, but for how long? How long would fate let him have her before ripping her away?

Karma had denied him, leaving him a crumpled mess at its door, desperate and pleading for happiness. He had experienced so much bad that in a perfect world, where karma accepted him and welcomed him, he should be given a happy ending.

But the world he lived in was far from perfect. And the happiness and routine that he had never truly experienced but always craved, suddenly seemed out of grasp.

He was well aware men his age often wanted change. They were desperate to escape the monotony of their lives, to break free of daily routine and start their days without knowing what they would do or who they would spend it with.

Derek, however, craved the opposite. His life had been filled with anything but routine. Struggling to take care of his mother and four sisters while completing high school, college and medical school had been filled with stress, stress and stress. Residency was a rollercoaster of ups and downs and struggles, especially when you add in a failing marriage. He had learned to keep his distance, to deal with his own insecurities and to never expect anything.

But now all he wanted was routine and stability, and he wanted it desperately. He wanted to wake up and fall asleep next to the same person for the rest of his life. He wanted to be there for her, as well as finally have someone he could be not-so-strong with sometimes. He wanted to stop thinking about everyone else all the time, and devote a fraction of that time to himself. He wanted to _know_ she would always be there, to be able to finally expect her presence in a year or two, or twenty. Or forever.

He wanted to finally stop feeling like he was always running from his past or coming up short of his future.

He wanted to share his life with Meredith, to build a routine with her, filled with comfort and familiarity.

And for a few months he had believed he would have that.

But then fate had reared its ugly head and laughed in his face. In the blink of an eye she had been gone, taking along with her his future, and leaving a pathetic shell of a man, filled only with insecurity and wishful thoughts.

And she could be taken again, at any time. He had no control over the when or the where or the how.

There would be no warning. One moment she would be beside him, and the next he would be left with nothing.

Meredith stirred beside him, quickly pulling Derek from his thoughts as he focussed on her. She was half on her side, half on her stomach, her arms clutched across her chest in unconscious support to her healing ribs. Her hair was splayed across the pillow behind her head, and he couldn't help but run his fingers through it.

She stirred again, one leg straightening as she shifted closer to him, unconsciously moving towards his warmth. A small moan escaped her mouth as her lips parted, and then she was silent again.

Derek left his fingers in her hair, running absently through the ends of the strands, as he wished he could hold her. Instead he was sitting beside her in bed, left to his own thoughts.

He didn't want to lose her. There were so many things they were supposed to do together.

There were so many things he had planned on experiencing with her.

She was the first person who seemed able to look past his facade and know when something was wrong. She was the first person to urge him to open up, to reassure him that it was okay to have weak moments. And she was the only person who he could be weak with and then still expect to look at him the same way.

She was everything to him. He wanted more than anything to spend the rest of his life with her. everything else paled in comparison.

His publications, his title, the fact that the Chief was retiring and Derek was in the running for the position... It all just seemed so trivial.

Derek would give up everything in a heartbeat for a guarantee that Meredith would never be taken from him.

He wanted to wake up next to her tomorrow, and in fifty years. It made his heart ache how much he wanted, _needed_, a lifetime with her.

God, how he wanted to be able to call her his wife.

And the mother of his children.

The only happy future he could envision included her. But there were no guarantees in life, and for now he was stuck watching her sleep and praying fate and karma would allow him this one source of happiness.

000

It was light when Meredith groggily opened her eyes. Two blinks to rid her sight of blurriness told her Derek wasn't lying beside her, but was sitting up, leaning against the headboard.

She removed her hand from her torso and reached towards him, grasping at his lower thigh, and drawing his attention.

"Hey," he said softly, his voice raspy, telling her he hadn't gotten much sleep, if any.

Meredith shifted and craned her neck to look up at him the best she could. "What time is it?" Derek had brought her home from the hospital the day before, and they had spent a few hours on the couch watching movies. She had quickly grown tired, and the last thing she could remember was him helping her up to bed.

Derek bent forward and craned his head to catch sight of the alarm clock by her side of the bed. "It's almost nine."

"Tomorrow?" It hadn't even been dinner time when she had gone to bed.

He smirked. "Today, actually."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Smart ass."

His hand found her hair, his fingers running through the strands. "You slept for more twelve hours."

She groaned and shifted onto her back, wincing as she tried to stretch. Although her ribs weren't as shockingly painful as they had been just a few days before, she was still greeted with a bombardment of pain when she tried to move in certain ways. "I guess it was nice to finally be able to sleep without being woken up every few hours by annoying hospital staff."

He chuckled. "You're one of those annoying hospital staff some of the time."

"Shut up."

He chuckled again, but said nothing.

Meredith took a breath, and then carefully sat up, grimacing as her sore body cried out in protest.

Derek was immediately sober, moving to support her, and eventually coming to rest beside her, his arm supporting her back.

Despite hating how much she was relying on him, Meredith leaned into his support. "I hate this."

He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "Me too."

"Tell me it'll get better."

"It'll get better," he repeated obediently, but with too long a pause.

She turned to meet his eyes, noting how tired he looked. "Derek..."

His expression immediately changed. His eyes hardened, his lips tightened every so slightly and his face became cold and expressionless. "What?" He tried lightly, feigning ignorance.

She narrowed her eyes at him, able to see through his attempts. He was hiding from her, shutting himself away. "Stop."

"Stop what?"

"This." She gestured at him. "This fake Derek thing."

"I don't know what you're-"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

He looked away from her eyes, actively avoiding her gaze.

She sighed. "Please don't make me argue with you, Derek. I'm exhausted, and it'll take all of my energy to get to the bottom of...whatever it is you're doing, or hiding, or whatever..."

"Meredith." His voice was sweet as he spoke her name, as if it were something to be cherished. He returned his eyes to hers and tilted his head every so slightly, offering her a smile. "There's nothing to get to the bottom of." He craned his neck and pressed his lips against hers. "So, you can save your energy, okay?"

Meredith stared into his eyes for one, two, three seconds. And then she hit him. It was weak, limited by her low energy level, but it was enough to tell him she was serious. He was good at the charming thing, and normally she enjoyed it. But she wasn't about to let him use it against her. "If you're going to act like a chauvinistic jackass, you can leave."

His jaw dropped as he gaped for something to say. "Meredith..."

"No," she demanded, refusing to allow him to take her hands, and did her best to move away from him so that he was no longer supporting her. "I'm fine with you being all hover-y and here all the time saying things if you're still being you, but this, whatever it is you're doing right now, has to stop."

"I'm just tired," he tried.

She scoffed, feeling tears prick the backs of her eyes, but she blinked hard. She would not cry in front of this new and unwelcome side of the man she loved. "Did you sleep last night?"

"A little."

"Derek-"

"I just couldn't sleep. It's not a big deal."

"It's a big deal when you refuse to tell me what's bothering you."

"It's nothing," he soothed, reaching for her hand.

Meredith snatched her hand away from his again, her eyes filling with tears despite her attempts to stop it. "And now you're lying to me. I'm not a freaking invalid, Derek! I got hurt, and now I'm stuck being tired and pathetic while I recover, but that doesn't give you any right to treat me with little kid gloves. I'm still me." She sucked in a painful breath, tears streaming down her face as she tried to stop shaking. And she watched in awe as Derek's blue eyes filled with tears.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. His arms came out towards her, as if he was going to hug her, but them he stopped, not touching her, and flailed. "Damnit," he cursed. "I'm so sorry, Mer. All I want to do is hold you. And I can't even do that." He settled for cupping her face in his hands, his thumbs brushing away her tears. "I don't know what to do here, and I keep screwing up."

"I wish you could hold me too," Meredith found herself whispering, leaning into his hands as she clutched at the fabric of his tee shirt with her own. As much as she hated being coddled, the thing she craved the most were his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. His lips on hers. His body crushing her against the mattress of their bed. She needed to feel alive again, to feel capable of being his partner.

"Oh, Meredith," he murmured, leaning his forehead against hers. "I wish I could get this right."

She swallowed hard, moving her hands to his, holding them against her own face. "You're here, Derek. You've _been _here the whole time. If that's not getting it right, I don't know what else is."

He mumbled something against her, but she didn't catch his words.

"What?"

He pulled away abruptly and shook his head. "Nothing."

Tears sprang to her eyes once more; he was pulling away again. "Derek, please..."

He looked down, staring at their now entwined fingers. "I just need you to get better."

She nodded to herself, trying to control her own insecurities long enough to address his. He obviously needed comfort more than her. "I'm getting better, Derek. Every day. I'm sorry that I'm not...normal yet, but it will happen. Soon. Just give me some time."

"I just hate that everything changed." He mumbled, eyes still downcast, seemingly engrossed with their joined hands.

Meredith inhaled a shaky breath. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I'm trying to get better. Being home will help. And it's not like they'll be any big scars or anything. I mean, there'll be some small ones, but nothing huge... And I know that's a change, but-"

He looked up sharply, cutting her rambling short. "What are you talking about?"

She swallowed, ignoring the small tremor in her hand. "Changes," she stammered. "You hate the changes. But they're temporary, well, most of them are. And I'm doing my best to get better."

His expression dropped dramatically. His eyes filled with more sorrow than she had ever seen, and when he spoke, his voice was that of a broken man. "Meredith... I didn't mean you. God, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot; I know how you feel about these things." He shook his head. "I love you," he stated, grasping her hands tight. "Nothing is ever going to change that. You take as long as you need to get better, and we'll go from there."

"But..." She found herself stammering, thrown off by his sincerity. "What else has changed?"

That, apparently, was the right question to ask. Or the wrong one, in Derek's case. His expression dropped even further, and all self-doubt Meredith was feeling about her body faded away.

"Derek?" She prompted.

"I just need you to get better," he repeated. "I need to start getting something right."

"What do you think you haven't done right?"

"Everything." He still wasn't meeting her eyes.

"Derek, that's stupid. That's so far past stupid, it's...really stupid. Or whatever. The point is that you've been perfect this week. You've been here every second. You got me out of the water. You were there when I woke up. You were there for everything, Derek."

He shook his head, muttering something under his breath.

And again she couldn't understand him. "What?"

"It never should have happened, okay?" He snapped, finally meeting her eyes again. His were flashing with self-deprecation and anger. "I let it happen."

"What... What are you talking about?"

"You fucking drowned, Meredith! I was there and I let it happen."

She jumped at his tone, kept her eyes trained on his. "You were doing your job-"

"If I had done my job, you would have known how to swim."

Her heart constricted. Of course he would blame himself. "Derek..."

"I knew you couldn't swim. I've known it for fucking months. How many opportunities have I passed up to teach you?"

"It's not your job to-"

"It is my job! I promised you, Meredith. I fucking promised to teach you how to swim. And I let you down."

"You never let me down, Derek."

"I promised to teach you, and I didn't and you drowned. That sounds like I let you down to me."

"Stop it!" She found herself shouting. "Just. Stop. Derek, seriously, I doubt one or two swimming lessons would have saved me. But do you know what did save me? You! You freaking saved me, Derek. Do you not remember that? Because I'm pretty sure I've been told a hundred freaking times that it was you that found me. It was you that jumped into the water. It was you that saved me."

He was still for a long moment. Two. Three. And then he closed his eyes and bowed his head, defeated. "I can't lose you," he whispered.

Meredith pulled him close, guiding his face to the crook of her neck and burying her fingers in his hair as he cried. Knowing he couldn't clutch at her, he clutched at the fabric of her shirt.

"I can't do this again," he mumbled against her skin. "I can't lose another person. Not you. Never you. You're the only one who understands, who... I need you."

"I'm here," she comforted, stealing his prized line of the week. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You've made sure of that."

"For now. But there are no guarantees in life."

Meredith closed her eyes and leaned her head against his, her fingers still buried in his curls. What had happened to the optimistic, glass-is-half-full thinking of the man she loved? Denny had said it would change him if she didn't get back. A few hours without her wasn't supposed to do this. He was broken. _Broken_.

Meredith had no idea what to say to make it all better; she wasn't used to being the optimistic one. "Maybe not. But we deserve happiness," she tried. "We deserve each other. I'm not going anywhere."

He scoffed against her, shuddering as he fought off a sob. "It doesn't work that way. Bad things happen to good people all the time."

"I know," she whispered, trying to sound soothing. He had this thing that he did with his voice that she wished she could duplicate. It always made her feel better. "And that's the drawback to working in a hospital; we see all the bad. But there's a lot of good, too."

"Not when it matters. You're a doctor, Meredith. You're young and compassionate and you're a doctor. And you almost died trying to help."

She nodded. "The world can be flawed."

"No, the world can be downright cruel."

The integrity of his voice struck a cord within her, and she pushed his head away to meet his eyes. "What else has happened to you, Derek?"

He shook his head, pulling away from her hands and avoiding her gaze.

His reaction told her she was right beyond a shadow of a doubt. Something had happened to him, something he was good a keeping hidden away from the world, something she hadn't ever noticed before. "Derek, please..."

He met her eyes for a fraction of a second, and looked away again. "I can't lose anyone else like that, especially not you. I can deal with Addy and Mark and all my friends, but not you. I need you."

"I'm here."

"There are so many things I want to experience with you, so many plans in my head."

"I know. Me too."

"I can't lose you."

"You won't."

"It's easy to think that, to take it all for granted. But things happen; things you have no control over."

Meredith reached for him, cupping his face with her hands, guiding his gaze back to her. "What happened to you, Derek?"

He closed his eyes for a long moment, before meeting her gaze. "I work up one morning and everything was normal. And by the end of the day I was trying to figure out how a fucking two hundred dollar watch is worth a human life."

He didn't have to say any more; she understood. She wasn't the only one who had watched a parent bleed. "Your dad?"

He nodded. "They shot him for his watch. My mom saved up for it, and he wouldn't give it up."

"Crap, Derek. I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago." He was avoiding her gaze again.

"It doesn't matter when it happened."

"It was horrible. I don't like to think about it. And I was stupid enough to let myself believe that I would never lose you."

She stayed silent for a long moment, her heart clenching painfully. "I can't promise you that will never happen. But I can promise you that I'll never choose to leave you. And that I'll always fight tooth and nail to stay with you."

He nodded absently.

"Hey," she called softly, bringing his eyes back to hers. "It scares me too; that I could lose you. But I remind myself that you're here now. That's all we can know for sure."

"Okay," he whispered.

"I'm sorry I put you through this."

His expression changed quickly. "This whole thing is so far from being your fault."

"It's far from being yours either."

He offered her a smile. "Maybe. But you're not supposed to be worrying yourself about anything other than getting better."

She pointed a finger at him. "Hey. I told you; I'm not an invalid. I'm still perfectly capable of being here for you."

The atmosphere surrounding them had lightened for a welcome moment, but now fell back into heaviness. Derek looked haggard and defeated. He could definitely use some rest, as could she after that marathon talk.

And things always seemed better after some sleep.

"Lie down," she commanded, pushing at his chest.

"What?"

"Lie down. We're going to sleep."

"But-"

"No buts. I'm exhausted, and you look worse than I feel. So, sleeping."

He offered her a small smile. "I like it when you're bossy."

She returned the smile easily, her heart warm at the unwavering belief that they would be okay. It wouldn't be easy, but they would get through it. "Just lie down."

"Okay," he conceded, finally giving way to gravity.

She pushed him to move over before lowering herself down right beside him, pressing her back against him as she shared his pillow.

"What are you doing?"

She dragged her pillow over and laid it across her front. "Give me your hand."

"What are you doing?" He repeated, but obediently reached his hand across her side.

Meredith grasped onto his hand and pulled his arm around her, so that he was holding her and the pillow tight.

"Meredith," he started, trying to pull his hand away.

"Stop." She commanded, holding his hand in place against the pillow. "Everything sucks right now, and we won't be able to make sense of any of it until we get some sleep. And I really need you to hold me, and I think you need it too."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

He shifted a bit behind her. "Okay." His knees found the backs of her legs, and his exhales began hitting the back of her neck. His arm tightened on its own around her, his hand splayed across the pillow protecting her chest. "Is this okay?"

She covered his hand with hers, this time not to hold it in place, but to offer him comfort. "Perfect. It's actually nice...the pressure from the pillow...it feels good."

He kissed the back of her neck. "Good."

"I love you, Derek," she whispered, closing her eyes as she lost herself in the familiarity of their position. It had been so long.

His breath was warm against her as he snuggled closer. "I love you too, more than anything else in the world."


	61. Chapter 61

_**AN: Many apologies for the massive delay between chapters. Life has just been super hectic and I haven't been able to write at all. Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews and PMs making sure everything was okay! **_

_**To the anonymous review on the last chapter; I know that on the show Meredith could swim and chose not to. And you're right; this would make an interesting dynamic for them in this fic. But I think the show missed out on an opportunity to explore strong Meredith and guilt-ridden, hurting Derek. (Which, okay, they've done recently on the show, but I've had this mapped out for a year...). In this version, Meredith has something to fight for. And Derek knew she couldn't swim. And that is the dynamic I want to explore between them in the next several chapters. Thanks for the feedback; I always want to know what readers are liking/not liking about the differences between this version and the original.**_

* * *

_**  
**_

Swathed in one of Derek's old college sweatshirts – aka one of Meredith's new shirts – Meredith half sat, half lay on the couch in her living room, watching television and spooning ice cream into her mouth. It had been a week since her accident, and three days since Derek had brought her home.

It was also the first day since her accident that Derek hadn't spent most of his time by her side. She had finally convinced him to go into the hospital. As much as she enjoyed his constant presence in the last week, she knew it would be good for him to have some air. He needed to leave her for several hours and come back to find her still there.

She had, of course, known something had been off with him, but she had had no idea how deep his fears and insecurities lay. The truth about his father's death had shocked her. His behaviour and attitudes about his father had led her to believe the death had been sudden and unexpected, but she had never found the right time to ask. And now that she knew, she had no idea what to say to him, no idea how to make it better.

She also had no idea how to make his unfounded guilt about her drowning disappear. It was because of him that she was alive; why couldn't he see that?

Meredith sighed and shoved a large spoonful of strawberry ice cream into her mouth, grateful that Derek had thought to pick some up the previous day when she had forced him out of the house for at least an hour. They had spent the day of his revelations together, and then the next day – yesterday – Meredith had awoke knowing the only way Derek was going to begin to feel more secure was spending some time away from her.

And maybe it would be good for her too. As much as she wanted to cling to him every moment of every day, she knew it was time she took a step back and focussed on what had happened to her. She had almost died. And her mother had died. Meredith still didn't know how she felt about Ellis's sudden passing, but she did know how what she felt about her own almost sudden passing.

Terrified.

The incident with the bomb months before had scared her, but nothing in her past had ever left such a bitter taste in her mouth as her near drowning experience. She had almost lost the future she had been working so hard towards. There were still so many things she wanted to experience, so much more she had to say.

She stuffed another spoonful of cold strawberry goodness into her mouth, trying to convince herself it was a good thing Derek was gone for the day. It was good and healing for both of them.

The need to have him around at all times had gradually faded over the week, leaving Meredith only moderately uncomfortable being left to her own devices for the day; a low enough level that she could drown it in strawberry ice cream.

Normally on a day like this, when she was tired and alone in her house, she would pop one of her mother's many surgical tapes into the VCR and give herself a vicarious surgery high. But her mother's death the week before had turned her off the tapes for the time being, leaving her alone with day time television.

And day time television left much to be desired. She steered clear of soap operas because, seriously, she got enough drama in real life. Day time movies weren't fun without someone to make fun of them with. Talk shows were...talk shows. And she could only watch so many sitcom reruns before she wanted to kill herself.

A knock at the door pulled her from her boredom.

Meredith paused, her spoon half way to her mouth, considering who may be at the door. Derek had left as late as he possibly could that morning. George had been over before lunch to 'say hi,' which was code for 'checking up on her.' Cristina had called. Izzy had called twice. Derek had called and texted several times.

After stuffing her mouth full of ice cream, Meredith dropped her ice cream carton onto the coffee table and stood. Her exhaustion was still there, but getting better every day. And other than her ribs, there was no more pain.

A second, impatient, knock sounded against the door, causing Meredith to roll her eyes and mutter under her breath, "Heaven forbid you wait more than a freaking second for me to get to the freaking door..."

She swung open the door and rolled her eyes for the second time. "Ah, my afternoon check, right on schedule. Did Derek send you?"

Alex offered her a wry smile and stepped past her. "It wasn't just Shepherd. It was more of a combination thing. He and Yang get along really well when they agree about you."

Meredith snorted. "They didn't force you to come here, did they?"

He shrugged. "I signed up for it. I was the only one who got off this early."

She wanted to make another retort, but the look in his eyes stopped her. It was a look she had seen on all of her friends' faces in the past week; the one that made her feel sad and guilty. "I'm fine, Alex. Bored out of my mind, stuck watching day time television and existing off of ice cream, but fine." She turned a circle in front of him to emphasize her fineness.

"Yeah, that's crappy," he said with a chuckle. "But I brought you something."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really? What kind of something?"

He pulled a VHS tape from his shoulder bag. "A tape of the first hemispherectomy performed at Grace."

Meredith smiled. "I knew you were my friend for a reason."

"You got any food in this place?"

"Only ice cream and things that need to be put in the oven or mixed with other things..."

"So...pizza?"

She laughed and nodded. "Another reason you're my best friend today."

The pizza was quickly ordered. Alex helped himself to a beer from the fridge. Meredith returned to her position on the couch, and Alex sat himself down into the chair beside the couch.

"This is so much better than _Dr. Phil_," Meredith said ten minutes in.

Alex snorted and downed the rest of his beer. "I think that goes without saying. Do you want another drink?" He asked, standing.

"Water would be great."

"Exciting," he called over his shoulder as he headed back into the kitchen.

"Might I remind you that I'm still on more drugs than I can count?" She called after him. "Seriously, I can't even have grapefruit juice without worrying about something reacting."

Alex appeared back in the living room, tossing her a bottle of water before collapsing back onto the chair. "When are you coming back to work?"

She sighed. "Ask Bailey. And if she tells you, would you let me know?"

He laughed. "She still isn't talking?"

"Nope. I go back in two days for a check up. And then maybe she'll let me come back."

"That's crappy."

"Tell me about it. I'm bored out of my mind."

"At least you have people around."

"Yes, people on a very specific visiting schedule."

Alex chuckled. "About that. I wasn't supposed to tell you they made me come here."

She rolled her eyes. "Like they really thought I wouldn't know. Seriously. Do they think I have freaking brain damage?"

"You _were_ under water for a very long time..."

She smacked him, although she was secretly pleased someone could joke about her accident.

"Just don't mention we discussed this."

"You scared of Derek?" She quipped.

Alex snorted. "Me? Scared of that pathetic excuse of a man?"

"Hey-"

"The man's whipped, Meredith. It's sad."

"No it's not."

"Maybe not to you."

She groaned. "Alex..."

He chuckled. "I'm not scared of your man, Mer. Izzy? Definitely. Cristina? Maybe a little. But not Shepherd. And definitely not O'Malley."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"Just don't tell them."

"Your secret is safe with me."

They fell into comfortable silence for several minutes as they watched the surgeon on the screen work diligently on the complicated procedure. Meredith sighed.

"I miss surgery."

"It's only been a week."

She glared at him. "You try staying out of the OR for a week."

He chuckled. "I don't have to."

She glared at him again. "I hate you."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I thought I was your best friend today?"

"Whatever."

He was about to retort, but was cut off by the doorbell ringing. "That'll be the pizza," he said as he jumped up and went to answer the door. It was only a minute before he returned to the living room, pizza in hand.

"Smells good."

He nodded. "Too bad I'm not your best friend, and therefore don't have to share..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can be my best friend today. Just give me a slice of freaking pizza."

"Fine." He opened the box and turned in towards her.

Meredith quickly helped herself to a slice. "Mmm," she said moaned. "I love that you order good pizza. When Derek orders, he always gets vegetables and crap on it. And salad."

Alex made a face. "That's not good pizza."

"Exactly," she agreed, taking a large bite. "And you're not making me eat off a plate like Izzy would..." She took another bite and sighed. "I kind of love you today."

"Let's just keep it to best friends today, Mer. Love is messy, and is the only reason I would ever have to fear Shepherd."

She raised an eyebrow at his words, even if he said them jokingly. "Admitting to being afraid of Derek?"

"Of course not. I just have a healthy respect for him where you're involved. I was there the day he took down Sloan."

"That wasn't-"

"It so was."

Meredith huffed. "Whatever. You had your ass handed to you by George."

"I did not."

"I was there," she reminded him. "He took you down in one punch."

"It was a cheap shot. And I wasn't about to fight back and damage my hands."

"Say whatever you want..."

Alex huffed. "Keep that up and I won't let you have anymore pizza."

She giggled. "I'll be good."

"That's what I thought."

They fell into silence again, watching as the skilled surgeon on the screen performed the arduous task of separating the two hemispheres, and then slowly began to remove the left one.

"You want another water?" Alex asked, getting up.

She nodded, and called after him as he went into the kitchen, "You know, I could get used to this."

Alex reappeared. "That's what the whipped boyfriend is for."

"He is not whipped."

"He so is," he countered, handing her the water and twisting the cap off of his beer.

"If he were whipped, he'd let me eat pizza more."

"You obviously like your pizza."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Alex shrugged. "You ate more than me."

"I did not," she claimed, even though she knew it was true.

He raised an eyebrow, not having to say a thing.

"Fine. But it's only because I never get pizza. I have to take advantage when I can..."

Alex cracked a smile. "I'll stick up for you on the pizza issue."

"Thank-you. With Derek the health nut and Izzy the baked goods nut, I need more support. You're welcome here whenever you want."

"You must _really_ love pizza."

She started slightly at his tone. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"You're one of my people, Alex. You're always welcome here."

He smirked as if to make a joke, but his expression morphed into a more serious one. And then he nodded, not saying anything.

Meredith smiled to herself as Alex avoided her eyes, focusing back onto the television screen. He reminded her a lot of herself- always had. He had a strong outer shell, but always came through when needed. And though they had never talked in detail about their pasts, they had a certain understanding. Neither of them had had it easy. And both of them needed a push from time to time.

"Where do you live?" She asked suddenly.

He turned back to her, one eyebrow raised. "Seattle."

She rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

Alex shrugged. "A couple miles from the hospital."

"How come I've never been there? Has anyone been there?"

He averted his eyes for a moment, and then returned them to hers, offering a second shrug. "I'm not exactly set up for entertaining."

His eyes and tone told her all she needed to know. Living in town was expensive. An intern salary was hard enough to live off before you factor in student loans. And she knew for a fact that Alex spent a lot of his free time at the hospital or at Joe's.

"You could live here," she suggested.

He looked surprised. "What?"

"George moved out. I have a free room. It's yours if you want it."

He hesitated. "I'd need time to save up for a deposit..."

She waved a hand. "I don't need one."

"I'm not a charity case."

"I didn't make George or Izzy pay one," she countered. "Rent's due the first of the month, and we split expenses."

"Shouldn't you ask Shepherd about this first?"

"It's my house."

"Still..."

"He'll be fine with it."

"Because the man is whipped."

Meredith giggled. "He is not."

"I guess I have to move in. There needs to be one real man living under this roof."

She rolled her eyes.

"And it's about time O'Malley's bedroom saw some action."

000

At promptly six o'clock, the front door opened and Derek's weary form quickly materialised in the front hall. His expression, one of tension and worry, relaxed at the sight of her.

"Hey, you're early," she called from the couch, struggling to stand against her blankets, a popcorn bowl and the pizza box.

"Don't get up," he said immediately, kicking off his shoes as he hurried towards her.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she leaned back against the arm of the couch. "You're only supposed to be leaving the hospital now."

He nodded absently as he sat beside her on the couch, his upper body turned to face hers. "I left early," he said dismissively.

"Derek..." She murmured.

He shook his head before leaning close to kiss her. "Did you have a good day?"

"It was okay. The morning was boring, but then Alex came over and we watched a hemi and ate pizza."

"Hmm," he responded, completely neutral, as if he didn't actually process her words. "And how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Any shortness of breath? Dizziness? Pain, apart from the ribs? Are you hot-"

"Derek," she snapped. "I'm fine. I feel fine. Tired and sore, but fine. Just like I was when you left this morning."

He sucked in a breath and nodded, his expression still dark. His eyes were clouded, and his forehead and tense and crinkled.

She sighed, hating that he looked so lost, and knowing that she was the reason for his anxiety. "I'm okay, Derek," she said, offering him a smile as she reached for his hand. "Being stuck at home sucks, but I'm doing the healing thing. Every day is better."

He nodded along to her words, his eyes tracking back and forth, and up and down as he took in every feature on her face.

"Okay, it's my turn. Are you okay? Because you don't look okay..."

"I'm fine."

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, and instead glared at him. "I don't believe that for a second."

"I just had a long day, Meredith."

She squeezed his hand. "Were you in surgery at all?" He hadn't had anything scheduled.

He scowled and shook his head. "Almost, but she coded in the ER."

"I'm sorry."

Derek nodded absently, still looking at her, but not quite meeting her eyes. "It was a car accident. Her husband was injured too, but he wouldn't let us see to him until we took care of her. And when we couldn't get her back, he just... He looked so broken."

Meredith leaned forward, hooking one arm around his neck to stabilise herself as she leaned close to kiss his cheek. And then she kissed his other cheek. And his nose. And his lips. And his jaw. She kissed him wherever she could get to. "I love you," she whispered when she felt his arm slide carefully around her middle, not quite holding her, but not quite not holding her either. "I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

He hummed softly and leaned his forehead into hers. "I missed you today. I hated being at the hospital without you."

"I hated it too," she whispered. "But it's good for us. We both need to get used to being apart again."

"Why?"

She rolled her eyes, her forehead still pressed to his. "Because we're adults. It's not healthy to use each other as security blankets."

Derek pulled back several inches, meeting her eyes. "It's not like that. I don't see what the problem is. You'll be coming back to work soon, and this will all be over."

Meredith sighed heavily, her heart going out to her hurting boyfriend. "Derek...just because I'll be at work...it doesn't mean this will all be over. It's going to take time before I'm back to normal, and-"

He cut her off with a desperate hiss. "But you'll be back at work, which will mean you're okay."

"I'm okay now, Derek. The time off is for me to get some energy back, and to give my ribs some time to start to heal."

"You shouldn't need to heal."

"Stop," she commanded. "Don't do the self blame thing again, Derek. Nothing that happened this week was your fault, other than the fact that I'm alive. You saved me."

His body deflated, leaving him hunched and haggard. "I just need things to go back to normal."

Meredith ran her hand up and down his arm several times, before clutching to his forearm. "We're going to get past this," she promised. "But it won't be overnight. And you know that. Remember how many times you told me it would take time for me to be comfortable in the whole relationship thing? This is like that. I'm comfortable now, Derek. I'm comfortable and happy and want all the sappy future things. But me getting to this point didn't happen overnight. I needed time. And right now, we need time to move on from this. But we will, Derek. Things will get better."

He still looked broken, but offered her a small smile. "When did you get so wise?"

Meredith returned his smile, raising an eyebrow. "It took time."

An almost-laughing breath escaped his lips. "I don't want it to take time."

"I don't think there's a quick fix."

"There should be," he countered, almost desperately.

"If there were, I'd be all for it. But right now all we can do is try and move on. You're going to go to work again tomorrow. And then I'll go in the day after and hopefully get the green light to come back too. And things will start to get back to normal."

He nodded, but avoided her eyes.

"What?"

"I told the Chief I wasn't going in tomorrow," he admitted, still avoiding her gaze.

"Derek-"

"I can't," he said, cutting her off. "I just can't, okay? I tried today. I really tried, but all I got was a dead patient and her broken husband. And all I could think about all day was you, and where I'd be right now if you hadn't come back. I don't know how I'd even manage to be breathing."

Meredith sniffed, and leaned into Derek's warmth, smiling gently as he snaked a careful arm around her back. "I'm sorry about your patient, Derek."

"Me too."

"But I came back."

"I know," he whispered, "But I can't stand the thought of being at the hospital and knowing that you're here all alone recovering."

"It's not a big deal."

"It is to me."

Tears welled in her eyes. "Derek..."

"I just can't stand the thought of being away from you right now, Mer. Please don't make me."

"Okay," she relented. He was dark and twisty and broken, and even though she knew it was necessary that he learn to be away from her again, she couldn't say no to him. Not now. "Maybe we can do something tomorrow," she suggested.

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "Go do touristy things. Make out at the top of the Space Needle. Go to the trailer. Watch the sun rise over the ferry boats."

"We haven't done that in a long time."

Meredith smiled to herself. Derek was still tense beside her, but he was breathing more normally. Hopefully she could keep calming him down. "We'll do something fun together. That will get our minds off of everything."

His chest hitched ever so slightly beside her, but his breathing evened out again. "Let's talk about something else," he half-suggested, half-demanded.

"I told Alex he could move into George's room. He was over and we were talking, and I realized that I have no idea where he lives. And then I kind of got the impression that he doesn't have much of a home, you know? I mean, he's always at the hospital or at Joe's."

"Mmm," Derek murmured absently.

She was losing him again. "Is it okay with you that I asked him to move in?" Meredith asked, continuing onward, hopeful that involving him would bring his mind back to her. "I didn't think it was a big deal, because he's not an extra person; he's just here now instead of George."

"It's fine."

He still sounded absent, so Meredith continued doing what she did best; ramble. "And my internship is over in a little more than a month, and we were going to move out together anyway when it's over. So, really, it'll be less than two months of living with Alex. And he's one of my people, so I couldn't not invite him, and-"

"Let's get married," Derek said suddenly, cutting Meredith off, and completely destroying he rambling train of thought.

"I...what?" She stammered, trying to process his words.

"Let's get married," he repeated. "Tomorrow. We can go to town hall. Or drive to Vegas. It's what we need, Meredith. It'll make everything better."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. The words that had first seemed to come out of nowhere were developing aetiologies in her mind. This was where his mind had been when she had been rambling about Alex.

"Come on," he prompted. "We could leave now, drive to Vegas and get married first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say?"


	62. Chapter 62

"_**Let's get married," Derek said suddenly, cutting Meredith off, and completely destroying he rambling train of thought.**_

"_**I...what?" She stammered, trying to process his words.**_

"_**Let's get married," he repeated. "Tomorrow. We can go to town hall. Or drive to Vegas. It's what we need, Meredith. It'll make everything better."**_

_**Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. The words that had first seemed to come out of nowhere were developing aetiologies in her mind. This was where his mind had been when she had been rambling about Alex.**_

"_**Come on," he prompted. "We could leave now, drive to Vegas and get married first thing tomorrow morning. What do you say?"**_

"Meredith," he prompted when she still didn't respond.

"I don't know what to say," escaped her lips in a whisper.

"Just say yes."

She met his eyes, her heart breaking at the wanting behind his gaze. Not the loving or passionate wanting she was so used to seeing in his eyes. This wanting was filled with desperation, enlarging his pupils and darkening his irises from the deep blue that melted her heart to an almost black hue she wasn't familiar with. This wasn't her Derek.

"Come on," he said again, shifting forward so he was only just perching on the edge of the couch, clutching tightly to her hand, as if he were only waiting for the green light from her, and then he'd be up and dragging her to the front door.

"Derek...I..." Meredith was still at a loss. Normal things that happened in a relationship were still unfamiliar to her at times, and she was damned certain this was not the way things were supposed to happen. Not only was she lost, but she felt like she was stranded on an unfamiliar island, unable to find a way home. And Derek was trying to use a boat with a hole in the bottom. And maybe there were sharks.

He shook his head. "No, don't...it's not... Just say yes." His legs stiffened as if he were about to stand, but he remained seated beside her, facing her, staring at her, waiting for an answer.

Waiting for a _yes_.

And it would be so easy to give it to him. It was such a simple word, just three little letters. She could say it, she could. It would only take a fraction of a second. She could say yes, and then the desperation in his eyes would lessen. And he'd smile. Maybe he'd kiss her before he stood. And then he'd lead her to the door. But they'd have to pack first. There were things they would need. Like clothes and money and ID. Meredith was pretty sure you couldn't get married without ID. They would drive to Vegas and check into a hotel. And he probably wouldn't sleep, because he barely got any sleep these days in their own bed. And then he would wake her first thing in the morning and they'd find a wedding chapel and they'd say I do.

And then he would smile and relax and everything would be okay.

Except everything wouldn't be okay.

Meredith would still have almost died less than a week before. Derek still wouldn't be able to sleep at night. She'd still have a recovery in front of her. He would still be stuck with the memory of her cold, blue and lifeless body in his arms.

She couldn't say yes. Her heart ached because she couldn't say yes. But what was her alternative?

"Derek," she said again, her voice still quiet, but stronger.

He pulled his hand away from hers as if it had burnt him. "You're saying no," he accused, his eyes hardening.

"No," she said immediately, and then winced and shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I'm not saying no."

His eyes didn't soften at all. "But you're not saying yes."

"That's right."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm not saying anything."

He released a frustrated breath and stood.

"Derek," she pleaded. "Please don't..."

"Please don't what, Meredith?" He practically spat.

The beginnings of a sob built painfully in her chest. It would be so easy to say yes. "Just..." A single tear escaped her eye. "Please come back and sit."

He shook his head.

"Derek. Please. You look like you're about to run away, and I don't know how far I'd be able to chase after you." No matter how tired she was, nor how much pain she was in, Meredith would follow him until she could no longer walk or stand or breathe.

He ignored her request to return to the couch, and ignored her comment, his only response to turn so he wasn't quite facing away from her, but he definitely wasn't facing her. And he wouldn't meet her eyes, instead choosing to stare stiff-jawed at the wall across the room. His body was tense. Desperation and frustration seemed to be escaping through his pores.

She drew in a shaky breath, trying to stop her hand from shaking; the hand that, only moments ago, was being held by his. And now it was all she could do not to reach for him. It was all she could do not to jump up and say yes to his crazy idea. Because underneath the crazy and the stupid and the irrational, it was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, had known that for some time now. And she wanted to get married and start a family, and live a life that wasn't all about work. The things that had once seemed so out of her reach were being dangled in front of her, and she could only hope that after today he would still be willing to offer them. Because she wanted it, all of it. And she was ready. The nearly dying earlier that week had only cemented what she was feeling, had only cemented just how much she wanted the lifetime and the marriage and the family. She just didn't want it like this, couldn't accept it like this. Because this was not the way things were supposed to happen. And they couldn't make such an important decision right now. Getting married couldn't be out of desperation.

"Please look at me, Derek."

He turned his head so he wasn't looking at her, but picked a spot to stare at that was closer to her.

Meredith decided to take it as an olive branch, and continued. "It wouldn't change anything, Derek. If we went to Vegas tonight, or city hall tomorrow. It wouldn't change anything."

"It would change everything."

"I still would have almost died this week."

He cringed and turned away again.

"The whole ferry boat thing still would have happened, Derek. And I get that you want to forget that I almost died. Trust me, I get it. If it had been you..." She trailed off and shook her head. If it had been Derek, she would probably be doing exactly what he was.

"If it were me, I would do _anything_ to make everything better. Do you really think I'd say no?"

"Do you really think getting married is going to fix this?" She countered.

"Apparently we're not ever going to find out."

"Don't say that," she practically cried, trying to remind herself that he was hurting and was simply lashing out because he was in pain, trying to convince herself that this wasn't going to turn into now or never, that she wasn't going to lose him.

He scoffed, turning to face her, his eyes dark and stormy. "I'm not the one saying no."

She was on her feet in an instance, storming up to him. "Do you really think I want to say no?! I freaking love you, Derek. We've talked about all of this. We want to get married. _I_ want to get married. To you."

"Then why are you saying no?" His eyes calmed ever so slightly, a sign that he was actually hearing what she was saying.

"I'm not saying no. I'm giving you the opportunity to not actually ask. Because you haven't, actually asked, I mean. You've stated and you've kind of demanded. But you haven't actually asked."

"Is that the problem? You want me to get down on one knee and give a speech and then ask?"

"I think you want to," she said quietly. Her heart ached painfully. His actions and his words may be irrational. But they still meant something. He was offering her a solidified commitment. One she knew she wanted. It wasn't something she could say no to.

"What?"

"You like to do the romantic, sappy thing, Derek. I always pictured you getting down on one knee in a restaurant, or at Joe's, or out at the trailer, or..." _out by the docks, watching the sun rise over the ferry boats,_ died on her lips. "You're not the type of person who proposes in the clothes you pulled on this morning because they were all you could find, to someone dressed in sweatpants and _your _shirt and has been eating pizza and icecream all day and probably looks and smells horrible. And you definitely don't propose with '_what do you say?'_."

"I guess I'm not."

"No, you really aren't."

His hand reached out and he fingered the material covering her forearms "You don't look or smell horrible, Mer. You're always beautiful, especially when you're wearing my shirts."

She offered him a small smile. "You're the type of person who wants to plan something special. You're...you don't do things like this."

"You've really thought about me proposing?" He asked quietly, his stance still somewhat defensive, but his voice calmer.

"A little," she admitted. In truth, she had been thinking about it more and more the last week. Her best friend's engagement had left her wondering about the when and the how of the same step in her own relationship. But she had never imagined something like this.

"I can make it romantic," he said quickly. "I have a ring. I can go get it and come back and get down on one knee and ask for real, and then we can go to Vegas."

"Are you really the type of person who wants to get married in Vegas on a whim?"

"I just want to marry you."

"I want that too, Derek. And if you're really determined to do this, if you really, actually ask me, I won't be able to say no. But I'm asking you to wait. I'm hoping you'll wait."

"I don't want to wait. If we both know we want this, why should it matter if we do it sooner rather than later."

"Because it should be special."

"It will be."

"Derek, I haven't even met your family yet. That's important to you, I know it is. They should be there when we get married, and it shouldn't be the first time I've met them."

"They'll understand."

"And I still have fractured ribs, Derek. And I'm fatigued. We can't even... I want it to be special, our wedding day, and our wedding...night."

"That doesn't matter to me, Meredith. I'll wait as long as you need."

"But it matters to me. We're only going to do this once, and I want to be able to look back and not regret a single thing about the whole day. And not being able to make love to my new husband would definitely be something I would regret."

His expression cracked, tears welling in his eyes. He couldn't say no to her either. "I want to marry you, Meredith. I don't want to miss out on knowing what it feels like to be married to you, to be able to call you my wife."

The tears she had been struggling to hold back fell from her eyes. She wanted that too, desperately. But that was the problem. It couldn't be out of desperation. When they got married, they needed to do it for the right reasons. "I'm not going anywhere, Derek. You made sure of that."

His hands came up, cupping her face. She leaned into his touch, hoping this meant she had navigated the conversation safely. "I can't lose you."

"You won't."

"I want to marry you."

"I know. Me too. But we need to wait, Derek. We need to give our marriage the right start."

"Okay," he conceded, his eyes flashing with defeat before they shifted away from hers.

"Hey," she prompted, practically mirroring him as she lifted her hands to cup his neck and chin. "I'm going to say yes one day, Derek. When you ask, I'll say yes. Whether it's next week or next month or next year, I'll say yes. I promise."

His eyes shifted back to hers and he leaned in to press a light kiss against her lips. And when he pulled away he cracked a hint of a smile. "It definitely won't be next year."


	63. The End of the Nightmare

"Looking good, Grey."

Meredith offered a small smile to her resident. "Does that mean I get to come back to work?"

"You can come back Monday morning," Bailey conceded. Meredith was in for her check-up, almost two weeks following her near drowning incident.

She smiled wider. "Good."

"You sound too eager, Grey."

Her eyes found Derek's form. He was across the small exam room, examining her latest chest x-ray as if it were a complicated CT. It was quite obvious to even the untrained eye that there were rib fractures, but it was obvious to the trained eye that the fractures were beginning to heal, and that no fragments had subluxed or migrated. But, apparently, Derek was not taking anything for granted. It was as if he were looking for a problem.

"I think it would be good for him, if I come back to work," Meredith whispered to Bailey, motioning her head towards Derek. He had been better the previous day; no more desperate marriage proposals. She hadn't been able to make him go into work, so they had driven out to spend the day at the trailer. It had been therapeutic, but not all-healing.

"He does seem tense." Miranda shook her head at her superior's upright posture. "Dr. Shepherd, do you plan on joining our discussion, or does that x-ray require another ten minutes of analysis?"

Derek sighed and turned. "I just want to make sure everything is okay."

Bailey shook her head. "It's a very simple x-ray and it's fine. I see that, and Grey sees that. Now leave it alone and get over here."

He hinted at a smile. "Worried I don't trust your medical expertise, Miranda?"

"Just get over here."

"Be nice to her," Meredith chastised when he stepped up beside her, his hand finding the small of her back. "She's letting me come back to work."

"That's good, as long as you feel up to-"

"I feel fine."

He nodded, his expression still apprehensive, but believing. "Just making sure."

"Don't harass your girlfriend, Derek. She's right. She's healing perfectly, and is completely ready to come back to work."

Meredith nodded her agreement, grateful for her resident's insistence; knowing she was doing it for Derek's benefit.

"I would hardly call that harassment..." He said lightly. The light was slowly coming back on in his eyes. He was gradually beginning to trust that she still was (and would continue to be) there. The humour inside him was slowly emerging once more. And Meredith was grateful. She missed the humour; especially the banter.

"Do you have any other questions?" Bailey asked her intern.

"Just one; what time do I start?"

Bailey shook her head. "Come in for rounds, but I don't want you staying late. No extended shifts for at least a week, and if you're getting tired, take a break."

"Okay," she agreed quickly, shifting off of the exam table to stand on the floor.

"Grey, I need your word."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I promise."

Derek felt he was breathing easier than he had all week. After Meredith's check-up, they had stopped for a bite to eat at one of their favourite restaurants before heading home. And even though he could tell she was lagging a bit, she was happy and animated about going back to work.

His chest no longer constricted painfully at the thought of being away from her for even a short time. All of her results were as positive as could be expected; he had double and triple checked himself. She was healing, and she would be back to normal soon; no permanent effects.

He hadn't lost her, and though he still had dreams of losing her, he was beginning to think to the future again. The overwhelming need to marry her right away was dissipating. He still wanted to marry her, but could see the merit in Meredith's words two days prior. They needed a better start than a 'what do you say' proposal and an impulsive Vegas wedding. They deserved a memorable proposal, wedding and wedding night.

"Anything else you want to do with your last few days of freedom?" He asked lightly as he followed her in the front door.

Her laughter was music to his ears. "My last days of freedom, huh?"

He nodded. "The hospital owns you again first thing Monday morning."

"Only for another month."

"I hate to tell you this, Mer, but becoming a resident doesn't make it any better."

"At least I won't be the bottom of the pile anymore."

"That is true."

"Izzy's on call until midnight," she said, going back to his original question, "So we've got the house to ourselves. We could crash on the couch with a movie?"

He stepped in close to her, his hands finding her hips. "Mmm, sounds like a plan. And, let me guess, you want to order pizza?"

"What would make you think that?"

He chuckled. "Because you always want to order pizza."

She pursed her lips in the adorable way that always made his heart flutter. "That's not true..."

He sidled closer, brushing up against her. "It's very true," he whispered, before closing the small gap between them and kissing her. One hand left her hips to find the back of her head, his fingers threading through her hair. "But I love you anyway."

She scrunched up her nose, her hands resting on her shoulders. "What do you mean 'anyway'? Pizza is good."

"But not good for you."

She sighed before changing her tactic. "You know, most guys would be happy to have a girlfriend that liked to eat real food. I could be obsessed with calories and exist off of salad with fat free dressing..."

"No, you couldn't," he retorted, pecking her lips. "Because then you wouldn't be you."

She beamed at him, and he swore he felt his heart melt. "Thank-you for loving me."

It wasn't the first time she had said it to him, and though he knew it probably wouldn't be the last, he hoped it would. "Meredith, I will _always_ love you for you. You're perfect. Unique, maybe a little crazy, but perfect."

She mock glared at him, before sobering, her upper incisors capturing her bottom lip.

"What is it?" He furrowed his brow, knowing she was debating telling him something. And it always broke his heart to see her so vulnerable, so afraid to open up. She trusted him, he knew it, but her mother had instilled deep-seated insecurities that she was struggling so hard to overcome.

She sighed again, resigned. And her eyes flickered away from his. "I was afraid...after the other day...that you wouldn't..."

"That I wouldn't what?"

She opened her mouth, but quickly clamped it shut once again, locking it with her incisors.

"Hey," he chastised, hooking two fingers under her chin to lift her eyes back to his. He brushed his thumb across her chin and lips, afraid she was going to bite down so hard that she would bleed. "I went crazy that day, Meredith. I was desperate and irrational and a whole host of other things you didn't deserve."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. Now, tell me what's on your mind."

She tried to look away again, but he didn't let her. "I was afraid that if...that if I said no...that you wouldn't want our future anymore."

"Oh, Mer..." He murmured, wrapping his arms loosely around her. Analyzing her x-ray that morning had made him feel more comfortable holding her. "That's crazy. Nothing will ever make me not want you anymore."

She sniffed against his chest as she clutched at the fabric of his shirt with her fists.

"And let's get one thing straight," he added, a much lighter tone in his voice, "you didn't actually say no, remember? Something about me not actually asking?"

She nodded again, and he could feel her holding back laughter.

"But you are going to say yes one day," he couldn't help but add. "When I actually ask, you're going to say yes. You promised."

"I promised," she agreed, lifting her head. Her eyes were damp, but her cheeks were dry.

He pursed his lips, before continuing to banter with her. "Unless of course, you were just saying that to calm me down..."

She rolled her eyes, knowing he was baiting her. "Of course not."

"I think I'm going to have to ask for some form of confirmation..."

It was her turn to kiss him. "When you ask, I'll say yes. I promise."

He smiled before kissing her back. "Good to know."

She pursed her lips, "Like you weren't overly confident enough already..."

Derek chuckled. "Not true."

"Very true," she said quickly, turning the table on him.

"Hmmpf," he muttered, releasing her. "Seeing as I'm going to lose this one, why don't we get started on that movie? You want to order the pizza, or should I?"

Meredith giggled, but shook her head. "I want to have a shower first."

"Do you need a hand?" There would have been a time, not long ago at all, where he would have said it with a certain tone in his voice. But right now, he honestly meant it in an innocent way.

Meredith however, raised an eyebrow with a smirk that bordered on dirty. "What kind of hand did you have in mind, exactly?"

"Meredith..."

But she shook her head, cutting him off before he could argue. "Because I seem to remember a certain hand of yours being quite _helpful_."

"Mer, we can't..."

"We can," she insisted. "You saw my scan."

He stepped in close again, trying to block out the smell of her hair. There was no lying when he told her she was irresistible. And the fact that she was so eager made it twice as hard to resist her. "But you're still healing."

She lifted his hand and placed it against her chest, right over her heart. "We both need this, Derek."

"I don't want to hurt you," he found himself whispering, wanting her so badly, but loving her enough to say no if that was what was best.

"You could never hurt me," she whispered back, echoing the words she had spoken to him months ago, after she had been caught in the blast of a bomb.

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything..." she continued to whisper, and he wasn't sure whether she was speaking of their soon activities, or of being with him. The look in her eyes told him it was both.

"I'll be gentle," he said, as way of agreement, before pressing his lips against hers.

Hours later, Derek half sat, slouched against the arm of the couch, Meredith curled up against him, snoring softly. The second movie of the night played quietly on the television, but he paid it no attention as he concentrated on running his fingers through the silky strands of her hair. It was times like this that he wondered how he could ever want to be anywhere else.

After she convinced him out of his hesitation, he had led her up the stairs to their bedroom, and they had used the bed for more than just sleeping for the first time since her accident. It had been calmer than normal, slower and quieter, but no less intense. And when it was over, they had laid together for almost an hour before getting up and showering together.

"_You sure you're okay?" He had asked as they headed down the stairs after their shower._

_ She had rolled her eyes in good nature. "Other than being a bit hungry – which the pizza you promised me will solve – I'm great."_

_ "I don't remember actually promising any pizza..."_

But they had, of course, ended up ordering a large pizza, of which Meredith ate more than half. And when she had finally eaten her fill, she had snuggled into his chest and closed her eyes.

Derek had lost track of the time he had spent simply revelling in the truly having her back in his arms. She was still healing, but he felt like he could touch without breaking. Her chest expanded rhythmically against his, calming any lingering fears he had. She was breathing easily now, her body warm and healthy.

And she would stay that way for a long time.

"Mmm," she mumbled something incoherent against him, shifting slightly, before returning to quiet breathing.

Derek smiled to himself. He had never actually heard her talk in her sleep, but she did mumble on a regular basis. It had startled him the first few nights he had spent with her, but now it comforted him. He doubted anyone had ever known her this well, this intimately that had nothing to do with sex.

Even though he knew he should take her up to bed, Derek couldn't bring himself to move. It didn't seem all that important that he too was going back to work the following day, or that Izzy would be home soon. He was exactly where he wanted to be. The last two weeks had been a nightmare; a terrifying sequence of events and feelings and desperation that he couldn't stop. But now he felt like things were getting better, like there truly was a light at the end of the tunnel.

The ring hidden in his desk at work was still there. He had debated getting it earlier that day when he had been at the hospital for Meredith's appointment, but had eventually decided against it. He would propose; soon. But he needed to plan something. She wasn't one for huge displays, or public displays, or long speeches, or...a number of other stereotypical scenarios many girls would love. But she did deserve something memorable; they both did. He needed to come up with something better than over pizza in the living room. And he had time.

He stilled his hand against her back for a moment and held her tight. "Soon, Mer," he murmured, his nose buried in her hair.


	64. Chapter 64

_**AN: I feel the need to reiterate that I am simply borrowing the characters, as I am also borrowing a fair amount of dialogue in this chapter. We're finally moving away from the ferry arc (but it's not like it never happened) and back into the rest of the season. This chappie picks up at the beginning of the episode after ferry arc (which I've watched three time this week to get this chapter written, so you'd think I'd know it's name by now...). Two main parts, one funny and one more serious, with one little blurb-y in the middle to remind what was going on in the episode (because when you think about it, this epi is more than 2 years old. When did that happen?).**_

* * *

_**  
**_

Derek jolted awake to the sound of the bedroom door swinging open roughly, it's hinges squeaking in protest before crashing loudly into the wall behind it.

"Alex is moving in?!"

Derek groaned and buried his face into the back of Meredith's head. "I take it you didn't tell her about Alex..."

Meredith shook her head, her eyes remaining shut as she ignored her roommate.

"Meredith!" Izzy whined, stepping into the room, unheeded by the fact that Meredith and Derek were curled up together in the bed, or by the fact that she was only wearing a towel. "Alex is moving in?" She repeated. "To this house?"

Derek grumbled to himself. Normally he didn't mind the roommates. No one was home often enough to make it a big deal, and it had originally been a novel situation, having roommates. He had never lived with anyone other than his family, Mark or Addison. But today, in this moment, he minded the roommates. He minded a great deal. "We were asleep a minute ago," he pointed out.

"Yeah, and I was _naked_, in the bathroom, when Alex just walked in. I'm lucky I didn't come out of the shower to find him peeing all over the seat!"

Meredith giggled, effectively ending her facade of pretending to still be asleep. "He knows about the bathroom rules, Iz."

"But why is he here?" She whined, collapsing onto the bed, the towel only loosely held up around her.

"And we're up," Derek muttered, rolling away from his girlfriend and heading into their bathroom. He had already inadvertently seen Callie Torres naked; he definitely didn't need to add Izzy to the list.

Meredith rolled onto her back before responding to her roommate. "He's here because I asked him to move in. He's taking George's room."

"I don't understand. What's wrong with where he was living before?"

"I don't know where he was living before."

Izzy leaned over, burying her face in her hands. "Probably a whore house," she muttered.

Meredith giggled again, sitting up against her pillows.

"I can't have him living in the room next door, Meredith. It's weird."

"People are what matters, Iz. And Alex is one of our people. We can't just leave him out in the cold when we have a room for him."

Izzy paused, turning her head slightly to the side as she stared at Meredith in a way that could only be described as suspicious. "_People are what matters_? You don't like people. Is this about your mother?"

"No," she said quickly, trying to think how to explain this to her angry roommate. "I had a near death...whatever. I've got a second chance. And I'm determined to be better than the old Meredith, and that means being more positive. So...people are what matters," she repeated, and then off of Izzy's still suspicious stare, "Paint with all the colours of the wind..."

"Oh, I get it," Izzy whispered, shifting to get up. "You're crazy now." She slowly backed out of the room.

"I'm alive!"

"Yeah, okay..."

Meredith laughed as Izzy closed the door behind her.

It only took a few seconds for Derek to re-emerge from the bathroom. "You know that rule you had to implement after Callie was naked in the hallway?" He asked, cocking his head. "You know, the one that stipulated people could only be naked in bedrooms and bathrooms?"

Meredith felt her lips curl upwards at the tone in his voice. "Yeah..."

He sidled up to the bed, carefully lowering himself on top of her. "I think you need to revise it to state that people can only be naked in their _own_ bedrooms..."

"I'll keep that in mind." She giggled before being cut off by his lips crashing down on hers. "Mmm," she murmured when he pulled away, "Much better."

"What's much better?"

She smirked and shrugged. "You usually kiss me _before_ you brush your teeth in the morning. This was a nice change."

He made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat before speaking. "What are you insinuating?"

"You have not so nice morning breath."

"That is not true."

She laughed at the expression on his face, and couldn't help but pull his face down for another kiss. "It is," she insisted when he pulled away, "But I love you anyway."

"Hmm, you do, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm generous like that."

Derek rolled his eyes, before sobering. "Are you ready to go back to work today?"

Meredith felt herself beam. "Absolutely." She couldn't wait to get back to the hospital as a doctor, and not a patient.

"How are you feeling, after last night I mean?"

"I'm fine."

"Meredith," he cocked his head and stared at her, knowing she was holding back.

She sighed. "Fine. I'm a little sore. But in a good way."

"See, I knew it was too soon. We should have waited- _I_ should have waited."

"Hey," she whispered, lifting her hands to cup his face, wanting nothing more than to rid him of the pained expression on his face. "Last night was amazing, Derek. Being a little sore is nothing in comparison."

"Are you sure?"

Moving her hands towards the back of his head, she threaded her fingers into his hair and used the grip to pull his lips back down to hers. "I've never been more sure of anything, Derek."

***

"How are you feeling?"

Meredith rolled her eyes before turning to meet George's worried gaze. "I'm fine, George."

"Good. I was worried that-"

She held up a hand, cutting him off. "Okay. Let's just do this once," she said, raising her voice. "My mother's dead. I'm not. She's cremated. I'm getting back to work."

The right corner of George's mouth twitched at her attitude. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good." She offered him a smile, but before she could say more, Bailey stepped into the locker room, oblivious to the tension between Izzy and George, Izzy and Alex, and Meredith and everyone.

"O'Malley, you're with Shepherd today. Yang, Dr. Montgomery. Stevens to the clinic. Karev, Jane Doe. Grey, scut."

Meredith sighed. "Once again, I'm fine." She was dealing with enough just juggling her own and Derek's worries; she definitely didn't need her friends and her resident treating her with kid gloves.

Bailey met her gaze head on. "You can tell everyone you're fine until you're blue in the face. Your mom died. You almost joined her. You're taking it easy."

Meredith rolled her eyes for the umpteenth time that morning as Bailey walked away. "Great," she muttered sarcastically to herself. And to think, she had been looking forward to coming back to work.

**

The day wasn't getting any better when, only a few short hours later, Meredith found herself dashing away from her still-complaining roommate. The broom closet door had been the closest to her, and Meredith hadn't thought before she let herself in and quickly closed the door.

"Great, just freaking great!" She ranted to herself. "This whole freaking day is just freaking awesome." Izzy was still upset about Alex moving in. George still wasn't speaking to Izzy; something about an argument regarding Callie that had occurred while Meredith had been dead. The Chief had brought in an old professor from Stanford to compete for his position. Meredith hadn't seen Derek all day. And, last but definitely not least, Meredith had spotted her father and his wife down the hall, leading to her current situation; being holed up in a broom closet.

Her self-ranting was cut off when the door opened.

Meredith glared at her best friend as she hurried into the small room. "This is my hiding spot. Get your own."

"I need it more than you."

She shook her head. "No, I do. My father's out there."

"I _need_ this closet, Meredith."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "_Colin Marlow_?"

Cristina sighed and looked away. "He was my professor. We were close."

She snorted. "He had his hand on your ass. I sure hope you were close." When the Chief and Marlow had stepped out of the small conference room down the hall, Meredith had expected to be chastised for lurking. She had definitely not expected the much older man to approach them and cup his hand around her best friend's ass right in front of all the lurkers.

Cristina glared at her, but said nothing, so Meredith continued.

"So, you were that girl... The girl who slept with the professor." She and Cristina were close, but things like this just reminded Meredith of how little they actually knew of each other. She and Cristina rarely talked about their respective pasts at all. "We had one in my class," she continued. "She only got to the radiologist though. No one got near the cardio God." She laughed as she said it. Neither the radiologist nor the cardio God had been much to look at. But ironically, the neurosurgeon had been quite good looking...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I scored big," Cristina said, in her trademark sarcastic manner of wanting her to drop the subject. "Go hide in the bathroom," she commanded.

Meredith was willing to share her hiding spot, but refused to be kicked out. "Hey, my awkwardness with my father is well established. You and the cardio God, on the other hand, have loads to catch up on." It was almost making her day to see the pained look on Cristina's face. She wasn't the kind of person who was open about her past, and definitely wasn't the kind of person who wanted anyone to know anymore about her than absolutely necessary.

"I don't want to talk about the cardio God."

"You know we can hear you in there," sounded the unmistakable voice of Colin Marlow, Cardio-God-Extraordinaire and Intern-Ass-Groper, effectively cutting off their conversation.

Meredith bit back a laugh. "I guess you're leaving..."

Cristina glared at her best friend before opening the door and stepping out.

Meredith took a breath after the door was closed, and then, hoping the coast was clear, went to leave the closet. But she didn't even get to the door before it was opened from the outside, revealing Susan Grey.

"Oh...I was just leaving..." She tried to get around her, but Susan wouldn't move from the doorway.

"We heard about your mother. I'm so sorry."

"Thank-you." It was the only response Meredith knew to give. She still didn't even really know how she felt about her mother's death. It had been sudden, yes, but it wasn't like Ellis had been Ellis for years.

"There wasn't a funeral or anything?" It was a conversation she had had with Derek and her friends already. Her mother wouldn't have wanted anything like that. Ellis Grey hadn't been one to celebrate life when she had been alive; she certainly wouldn't have wanted her life celebrated after her death.

"Oh, she didn't want anything like that."

Susan nodded, but said nothing. And they fell into awkward silence. And Meredith _hated_ awkward silence. It often led to excessive rambling. She cleared her throat. "I hope everything is alright with the baby." The last time she had seen Susan had been some time before she and Thatcher had taken Laura home. And the last time they had really talked had been the first and only time, when she had tried to make excuses for Thatcher, and Meredith had walked away. She could only hope Susan would say the baby was fine and then walk away herself. Meredith couldn't understand why the woman kept trying to talk to her.

"We're not here with the baby," Susan explained, dashing Meredith's hopes of an easy getaway. "We're here because we wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Oh, that's...strange..."

"It's not strange, Meredith. I can still remember when my own mother passed away. It was years ago, and it still gets to me sometimes."

"Well, that's sweet, but you don't have to do this. I'm not in shock or wracked with grief or anything. I'm fine and I'm moving on."

Still not budging from the doorway, Susan countered Meredith's claims. "But you're hiding in a broom closet."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah, well, if you could just move my father, I'd be fine."

"I already sent him to go get some coffee."

Meredith sighed, relieved Thatcher wasn't going to join the conversation. Her relief, however, was short lived by Susan's next words.

"But we'd really like to make dinner or...something...for you. He's been really worried about you."

She fought the ever rising urge to roll her eyes. He was worried, but went to get coffee while his wife coaxed his daughter out of her hiding spot down the hall. Meredith doubted the man cared an ounce, which was why she had no idea how to act around Susan. The woman was kind and soft spoken, Ellis's complete opposite. And she had two, apparently, perfect daughters, so Meredith couldn't fathom why she would keep trying to initiate conversation with her husband's first – imperfect – daughter. Meredith was fairly certain she had spoken more words with Susan than her father in her entire adult life.

"Oh, I really don't think-"

"He's the family you have left, Meredith."

"I don't see it that way," she retorted, thinking of her friends. Thinking of Derek.

"When is this going to stop?" Susan was clearly frustrated. "Yes, he made some mistakes, but he's not a monster. He's...an inarticulate person who spills food on his shirt a lot."

Meredith almost smiled at the description, remembering standing with her friends and watching Thatcher attempt to eat and talk on his cell at the same time.

"Have dinner with us tonight, please? I'll make some chilli. The whole thing will be over in an hour."

Meredith hesitated, wanting so much to say no and make a run for it. But she had been given a second chance. And she had vowed to be more positive. The old Meredith would have said no and run. But the new Meredith...was admitting to herself how much she would like to know what it was like to do the family thing. She had never even had a family dinner before. Things like this had always ended badly for her before, but just maybe this one didn't have to...

Susan smiled, obviously sensing Meredith's debate. "Come over around seven. Bring a friend if you like."

"Okay."

**

Meredith let out a breath in relief as she spotted Derek for the first time since they had driven in together than morning. "There you are," she stated, walking into the small office room behind him.

He turned to face her, a lopsided grin on his face. "Missing me already?"

"My short and stress-free first shift back is not so stress free."

His grin all but faded, unhappy that she was having a tough day, but sensing her lighter tone. "What's up?"

"I agreed to have dinner at my father's. Tonight."

"Okay-"

"And, Cristina slept with Colin Marlow."

Derek blinked as he processed her words, the second set briefly outweighing the first. "Marlow-transplant, Marlow?"

"Apparently they had a thing when she was a student." She sighed. "How can I possibly have a meal at my father's house?"

"He slept with Cristina?" Derek asked, cutting into her building rant. And other time she would have laughed at his eager expression. He acted so against spreading gossip, and yet he was so eager to know everything that was going on.

"Derek!" She hissed.

He shook his head. "Right. Sorry. You're having dinner at your father's..."

She nodded. "Susan cornered me in the broom closet."

He pursed his lips. "How did she get you in the broom closet?"

"Well, I was kinda already in there..."

He raised an eyebrow in question.

"I saw them down the hall, so I hid. And then Cristina came in, because she was hiding from Marlow. And then she left, and Susan wouldn't let me leave until I said yes. She wouldn't let me leave, Derek!"

Derek bit back a laugh. "Why didn't you call security then?" He asked sarcastically.

She smacked him on the arm. "It's not funny! How am I supposed to go over there and act like everything is all just freaking peachy? What am I supposed to talk about? What do I say? _So, this is a nice house. I've only ever seen the outside because last time I was here you didn't invite me in._ Seriously! This is not a good idea, Derek. I already have a family. I don't need to subject myself to some stupid awkward dinner where everyone pretends everything is freaking normal."

He reached for her hand. "Then why did you say yes?"

"Because old Meredith would have said no."

"Old Meredith?"

She nodded. "I've been given a second chance, and I'm taking the opportunity to be more positive. But you know what, Derek? Being positive is stupid."

He laughed. "That's not always true."

Meredith rolled her eyes, wondering if the action would start to hurt soon. "Maybe not for you, Mister-always-looking-on-the-freaking-bright-side."

He latched onto her other hand, holding them both between them. "Hey, look where being positive got me with you."

"You won't be thinking that tonight."

"Why not."

"Because you're coming with me."

"I...what?"

"Susan said to bring someone with me. And you're it."

"Are you sure you don't want to get to know them yourself before we-?"

"Of course I'm sure." She cut him off. "You have to come with me, Derek, or I'm not going. Or I _can't_ go. I don't do the family thing. I've _never_ done the family thing. And this specific family thing is stupid. Because it's not even a family thing. These people are not my family. But you are, so I need you..." She stammered ever so slightly. "Please."

He stood, still holding tightly to her hands. After a quick glance to ensure they weren't being watched, he leaned in and kissed her quickly. "I'll go anywhere with you, Mer."

"Including dinner at my father's?"

He nodded. "It'll be fun."

She glared at him.

"Okay, maybe not fun. But it'll be fine. They're your family."

"But they're not. Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Because they are," he repeated softly. "He's your father. That makes both of them your family. And you have to have a family, whether you like them or not."

**

Meredith opened and closed her fists as she shifted her weight side to side. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot-

"I can ring the doorbell if you want..." Derek spoke up.

"You sound like you think I'm physically incapable of doing it."

"We have been standing out here a long time," he pointed out.

She glared at him. "I just need freaking minute."

"Yeah, you said that five minutes ago. Only you didn't include the word 'freaking'..."

"This is stupid." They were standing on Susan and Thatcher's front porch.

"You've said that several times."

"Well, it's true."

"Yes, but sometimes it's less painful to just rip the band aid off."

"Or just leave the damn thing on."

"If you're taking the analogy where I think you are, then you mean we just leave. And there are two problems with that. One; the bandaid has to come off eventually, meaning Susan will just hunt you down in the broom closet again..."

"And the second one?"

"If she's anything like my mother, she already knows we're here."

Meredith grumbled. "This is beyond stupid."

"What happened to being positive?"

"Positive is stupid. There is no new Meredith, only old Meredith who is thankful for her second chance, but doesn't want to change."

"And talks in third person," he bantered.

"I swear to God, Derek..."

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her, one hand rubbing her back while the other clutched onto the bottle of wine he had brought. Because he was the kind of positive person who brought wine to dinner.

"It's going to be okay."

She pressed her nose into the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply. "I like the family I have."

He pulled back to meet her eyes. "I know. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for more."

"You'll still be here afterwards, right? No matter what?"

"No matter what."

"Okay." She pecked his lips, and then frowned, her palms against his chest. "If you're promising me everything is going to be okay, then why are you so tense."

"I'm not."

"You so are." She cocked her head. "You're friend is okay, right? I know I've been a little distracted today, but-"

"Helen is fine." One of Derek's old colleagues from New York had flown in for Derek to operate on her. She had coded on the table with a massive air embolism blockage in her heart. Derek had been forced to crack her chest and manually aspirate, only to be accused of showboating by Burke.

"Then why are you tense."

"It doesn't matter."

"It does," she insisted.

He cocked his head. "Promise you won't be mad?"

"As long as it's not stupid."

He cracked a smile. "I know you don't see it this way, but _technically_ I'm meeting your family tonight..."

Meredith blinked. "Seriously? Seriously! You're nervous?"

"Just a little."

"Arghhh!" She growled, and quickly reached up to ring the doorbell. "We need to get this thing over with."

He chuckled and stepped up beside her. "We stick together."

She could hear footsteps on the other side of the door. "Get in. Get out."

The doorknob turned. "Simple as that."

"This is stupid," Meredith muttered, right as the door was being swung open.


	65. Chapter 65

"This is stupid," Meredith muttered, right as the door was being swung open. She had lost track of the number of times she had said it in the ten or so minutes spent standing on Susan and Thatcher's front porch, Derek patiently waiting at her side. She already had a family, so why should she put effort into a man who, for all she knew, would just bore of her once more and she wouldn't see for another twenty years. Meredith had Derek and really good friends, and a job she loved. Maybe she had needed Thatcher Grey in her life when she had been five, but she didn't now. But she _had_ to have had a near death experience less than two weeks prior, and she _had_ to have woken up feeling like she was being given a second chance, and she _had_ to vow to be more positive. Stupid new Meredith. Stupid positive thinking.

"Meredith! I'm so glad you came!" Susan greeted warmly, smiling as she opened the door all the way and stepped aside, motioning for Meredith to enter. At least it was further than she had gotten the first time she had shown up on this same porch. But she had to keep in mind that it could still end the same way.

With a deep breath, Meredith returned Susan's smile, and stepped into the front hall, Derek close behind her.

"Oh, hi," Susan stammered ever so slightly at Derek's appearance.

"This is Derek," Meredith said quickly, before Derek could even begin to speak. The house smelled warm and homey and there were pictures hanging all over the walls that she couldn't let herself look at. And Susan was glancing back and forth worriedly between Meredith and Derek in a way that Meredith didn't understand, but was pretty sure she should, that she would if she had been raised by parents who took an interest. But she wasn't raised by parents who took an interest, or even my parent_s_. She was raised – well sort of – by _parent_. Singular. Thatcher had left when she had been five, and she could still remember the promise to see her soon leaving his lips all those years ago. And she had believed him for so long. She had believed him until she had been forced to grow up overnight.

She had believed him until she had watched her mother's blood stain the kitchen floor. That was when she had stopped believing in anything.

And Thatcher hadn't been around for any of that. But he was here now, in this very house. And so was Susan, the woman who technically was Meredith's step-mother. And they were having a family dinner; Thatcher and Susan, and Meredith and Derek. Except that Thatcher was absent, Derek was nervous, Susan was staring worriedly at Derek, and Meredith couldn't breathe. And while most would try and take a deep breath and calm down when their chest felt like it was constricting, Meredith wasn't most people. So she rambled.

"He's my, uh... Derek. He's Derek. And I'm...Meredith, which you know, so that was stupid. But this is... and I'm... here. I'm here- We. We're here. And you invited us. Well, me. You invited me. But you said to bring a friend, so I brought Derek, who is my...well, he's not my friend. I mean, he is, but not, you know? He's not _not_ my friend, because he's more than just my friend. We're friendly. In the...uh...socially appropriate way. And in the other ways, but that's not appropriate, because, hello, opposite of socially appropriate, so that was stupid too. But the point is that we're here."

Susan stared at her for a long moment before turning to shut the door.

"I think you set a new record," Derek whispered.

"Shut up," she hissed back. He constantly bugged her about her ranting, and refused to stop her when she was on a role, because the idiot actually liked it.

He squeezed her hand and looked up in time for Susan to turn back from the door. "Let's try this again," he said lightly, offering her his hand. "Derek Shepherd," he introduced himself, "It's nice to meet you."

"You too. I'm Susan Grey."

Derek chuckled. "It looks like my last name will be a little outnumbered tonight..."

Susan laughed.

Meredith tried not to roll her eyes. Derek and his stupid jokes. He definitely didn't have a future in comedy. Although if she didn't stop gripping so tightly to his hand soon, he wouldn't have a future in surgery either.

"We brought this for you," Derek continued, handing over the bottle of wine with his free hand.

Meredith fought not to roll her eyes again. There was no _we_. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind.

"Oh, you didn't have to do that."

Derek smiled again, ever-charming in any social situation. Meredith kind of hated him right now.

"It was no problem. The way I see it, we get the better end of the deal; a home cooked meal for a bottle of wine."

"I'm sorry," Meredith cut in, finally finding her voice again. If Derek could do the social thing, then so could she. "I'm sorry if when you said to bring a friend that you meant a friend-friend."

"It's not a problem, Meredith," Susan said softly. "I'm glad to see you have someone special in your life. It's just...your father. He tends to feel very protective. And I had more time to get him used to the idea before Molly first brought Eric home. It should be interesting to see his reaction," she said lightly, almost laughing.

But Meredith was nowhere near laughing. She was much closer to puzzled. "Why would he care?"

The laughter fell away from Susan's eyes quickly. "He cares about you, Meredith."

'_No he doesn't,' _was on the tip of her tongue, along with a host of other statements that old Meredith would have used. "I still don't..." _understand_. Why would Thatcher being protective have anything to do with Derek? "Oh, God... I mean... Oh...whatever. Are you religious? Is this... Am I offensive to your religion or something? You know, the whole lack of wedlock thing...?"

"It's nothing like that, Meredith," Susan said quickly. "Thatcher just doesn't like to see his girls growing up; he wants to stay as the most important man in your lives."

All urges to ramble fell away as if she had been hit. "He hasn't been that to me in more than twenty years."

Susan held a hand to her mouth, maybe to hide her horror in what she had said. "Meredith, I'm sorry. I didn't think..."

"And that was by his choice, not mine," she continued. She dropped Derek's hand to cross her arms over her chest, displaying her independence. Derek was a new, and very important, development in her life, but he wasn't a replacement for her father. She wasn't one of those girls in college with daddy issues; she had never been attracted to men that resembled her father in appearance or behaviour in an effort to replace him, because she hadn't had a father to replace.

And Derek Shepherd was nothing like Thatcher Grey.

"I'm all grown up, now," she continued, "So he has no right to be upset that I am in a relationship. I don't need his approval, and I definitely don't need his protection-"

"Meredith," Susan tried to cut in.

Meredith shook her head and continued. "It would have been nice, you know, to have his protection, to have someone who felt protective, to have someone who cared. But I never had that. And I got over it. So let's get one thing straight; he will never be the most important man in my life. Hell, he probably won't ever make the short list." She paused, her chest heaving with heavy breaths. Her eyes stung, but she refused to cry; not here. Later, in the night, when she was tucked away in bed with Derek, when it was dark and warm and safe, she could cry. Because it was okay to be vulnerable with the people you trusted. But right now, she was pissed, and there were things she needed to say. "He has absolutely no right to feel protective of me," she stated, almost feeling like she was channelling her resident, using her best no-nonsense tone. "And if that's going to be a problem, we can leave."

Silence reigned for a long moment. She could feel Derek standing next to her. But he made no move to touch her. He knew when to step in and offer support, but he also knew when to step back. He tended towards overprotective, but he didn't try to fight her battles.

Susan was stunned; her eyes welling in a way that made Meredith want to back down. "Meredith... I don't even know what to say. Your father made mistakes; mistakes that have affected you dearly. And I am sorry for that. And he's sorry for that."

She couldn't help but scoff. "That's the second time you've apologized for him. And yet, I've never heard it from him."

"He's not good with words. But he is sorry. He thinks about you. He wants to know you."

Meredith took a breath. "Well, that's why we're here. To try."

"That's all I ask."

"That's all I can offer."

Susan nodded, offering a tentative smile. "Nothing is going to be fixed overnight, but we have to start somewhere. Why don't we start over?"

Meredith nodded, but said nothing.

There was a long moment, before Derek stepped forward and offered his hand to Susan. "Derek Shepherd, nice to meet you. We brought wine, but you already have it."

"What are you doing?" Meredith hissed.

He shrugged. "Starting over."

And when Susan laughed and shook his hand again, Meredith couldn't help but laugh too.

They were led into a cozy living room, filled with knickknacks and photographic reminders of Meredith's replacement sisters; both of which Meredith wanted to stay faceless, so she avoided looking at the photos. Well, okay, one had a face, but the other didn't, and she still didn't want to look at pictures of either of them.

"You two make yourselves comfortable. I'm just going to head upstairs and see what's taking Thatcher so long."

Meredith collapsed onto the couch and buried her face in her hands as soon as Susan left the room. "This was a stupid idea."

Derek sat beside her, one strong arm snaking around her waist. "I think it's a good idea."

She turned her head sideways, cheek still resting in her upturned palms. "Are you freaking kidding me? I was horrible to her."

"You spoke the truth, Meredith. You had every right to say what you did."

"Maybe. But I meant it towards him, not her."

He sighed and nuzzled into the side of her head. "He's got her acting as a go-between. That's her problem, Mer. Not yours. You say things to her, and they'll get to him. She may water them down for his sake, which he doesn't deserve, but they'll get there."

"So, it was okay, what I said? You think it was okay?"

He smirked. "Well, I think telling her we are friendly in a way that is the opposite of socially acceptable was a little much, but the rest was good."

She elbowed him in the ribcage. "That sounded a lot worse than I meant it. I can't be held responsible for the way things come out when I'm rambling."

Derek chuckled, before pressing his lips to the side of her head. "I love you."

"You too," she all but whispered. "What do you think is taking them so long?"

"Maybe they're being friendly in a way that isn't- oompf." He stuttered as she elbowed him again, this time in the abdomen. "Sorry; I couldn't help myself."

"If only I _didn't_ have that problem with you..." She said, and then mimicked him, "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself."

He kissed the side of her head again. "Funny."

She leaned into his support. "Seriously, though, what do you think is taking so long?" She didn't want to be back to the rambling stage by the time Thatcher actually made an appearance.

"He's afraid to face you and/or she's telling him to behave himself."

"Why would he be afraid?"

"You were pretty loud. I doubt he couldn't hear you."

"Hmm. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

"Good," Derek said confidently. "You deserve to be heard, Meredith."

"I never tried to replace him," she whispered.

"What do you mean?"

"With you," she clarified. "You're not the most important man in my life because you replaced my father. You just...are." There had been a void in her life for decades before Derek entered her life; one even she hadn't realized existed.

He smiled tenderly at her, in the way that made her heart melt. "You, too."

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "I'm the most important man in your life?"

Derek rolled his eyes. "You try to be romantic, and this is what you get..."

"I don't need you to be romantic, Derek. Just..."

"What?"

She met his eyes. "Promise me you'll never do this."

"Do what?"

She swept her hand in front of her, motioning to the room around them. "_This_;disappear and show up two decades later with a new family."

"Mer, I would never..."

"I know. I _know_, but I...I still need you to promise. I just...need you to." It wasn't that she didn't trust him. It was that being in her father's house – a home she had never set foot in before – was screwing with all the progress she had made in being able to trust. And being able to trust men. Both were relatively new concepts to her.

"I promise never to disappear," he said softly, leaning in close to peck her lips. "And I promise to never stop loving you."

"Derek..." she whispered, her eyes welling.

He smiled. "And I promise never to break a promise; especially not one like this. I mean, we're both surgeons, so the 'I promise to be home for dinner' doesn't always work out. But the big ones will always be kept."

It was her turn to kiss him. "I promise too." Maybe it was therapeutic to make these promises here, in the home her father had built without her. She would never be left behind again.

She cuddled against him, her head resting on his shoulder for a long moment, only to pull apart at the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

"Part two," she muttered, lifting her head and sitting up straight.

"Part two," he repeated, squeezing her hand. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be..."

Susan appeared from the far hallway, offering a warm smile, as if everything were normal. There was a noticeable delay, and then Thatcher appeared behind his wife.

Meredith forced a deep breath into her lungs, uncertainly meeting Thatcher's eyes. Or really, uncertainly _trying_ to meet Thatcher's eyes, seeing as Thatcher seemed to be doing as much avoiding as Meredith.

"Uh...hello...Meredith," he stammered, moving towards her, but stopping several steps away.

"Hi...Thatcher," she returned. She paused, and then, "It's nice to...see you."

He nodded awkwardly, avoiding her gaze a little less. "You too, Meredith. And, uh... Susan told me you brought...a friend." He looked to Derek for the first time.

"Derek Shepherd," Derek stated, stepping forward and offering his hand for the third time that evening.

Thatcher's eyes shifted back and forth between Meredith and Derek twice before he too stepped forward and shook Derek's hand. "Thatcher Grey."

"And Meredith," Thatcher continued, quickly releasing Derek's hand, "It's nice to see you again."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah...you too." Neither stepped forward to offer any kind of physical greeting.

"Well," Susan said after a minute of awkward silence. "Dinner should be ready in half an hour. Why don't we sit out here until then? Is everyone okay with a glass of wine?" Everyone nodded. "Wonderful. Derek, would you help me pour the drinks in the kitchen?"

It was a very transparent ploy to leave Meredith and Thatcher alone. And it wasn't even all that unexpected. But it still made Meredith's throat dry and her heart beat a little faster. If she was new Meredith – filled with positive thoughts – then why should this be so hard?

She sat back onto the short couch she and Derek had been sharing only minutes before, pulling one knee up in front of her and wrapping her arm around it, as if shielding herself from the conversation to come.

Thatcher, after a long pause, nodded to himself and sat onto an arm chair. "I..." He stammered. "I was really sorry to hear about your mother, Meredith."

"Thank-you," she said automatically.

"Are you...doing okay?"

"I'm fine." Also automatic.

"Do you need...anything?"

_I don't need anything from you,_ the words she had spoken all those months ago while standing in the cold on Thatcher's doorstep ran through her head. And she wanted so much to repeat them now, to through them back in his face. She had needed him when she was growing up. She had needed a father figure, a parent. Someone who cared. Someone who wanted to keep her safe and protected. Someone to teach her about love and trust. But now...

"I don't need anything," she said quietly. Truthfully. If Thatcher Grey was to become a part of her life, it would be by her choice, and not by necessity.

"It's okay to ask for help," he stammered on. "Losing a parent it difficult."

Anger seared in her chest. How could he offer such a seemingly innocent statement like that to her? "She was sick for a long time," she said through clenched teeth. "There wasn't anything left of her when she died."

"That might be so, but-"

"It wasn't like the first time I lost a parent." She couldn't help but say it, especially when Thatcher was acting as if he were a parental advocate. He was sitting there all innocent, acting like nothing was wrong, like it was normal for him to be giving out advice. "It was definitely more devastating the first time."

He stayed silent.

She dropped her knee, and crossed her arms over her chest. "It's a lot harder when you're five, and your father just disappears."

"It wasn't...I never..." He stammered.

"You promised," she accused. "You promised you would see me soon."

"I meant to..."

"I guess I should have asked for your operational definition of 'soon'."

"Meredith, I..."

She waited for the apology, the one she had heard twice from Susan but never from Thatcher, but it didn't come. Instead Thatcher closed his mouth and the two of them sat in silence until Susan and Derek returned from the kitchen.

"Here you go," Derek offered, passing her a glass of wine as he took a seat next to her.

"Thanks," she mumbled, wishing she hadn't accepted Susan's request, and vowing to never again let the woman trap her in a broom closet. It only added badly.

"So, Meredith," Susan began, ignoring then tension she had walked back into. "How is your internship going? You should be nearly done by now, right?"

Meredith nodded. "A few weeks left."

"And you're planning on staying at Seattle Grace for the rest of your residency?"

Again, she nodded. "That's the plan."

"That's nice. We were definitely happy with the hospital, taking such good care of Molly and Laura."

"How is Laura?" Meredith asked. Izzy had told her to ask about the baby. It was a happier subject than Thatcher's abandonment. And as much as Meredith wanted to rant and yell at the man, she had come here for a reason.

"Great," Susan said with a smile.

"She's smiling now. Sometimes." Thatcher spoke up for the first time since Susan had returned. "And she looks exactly like Molly. When she smiles. Don't you think?" He asked his wife.

Susan nodded. "She does."

"It's amazing. I have this old picture of Molly and me when she was... I don't know, five? And she's sitting on this red sled in the snow, beside this great big fir tree-"

"You know, I'm not sure," Susan tried to cut in.

"Yeah, it was a massive Douglas Fir," he repeated. "And in the picture...well, it couldn't look more like the baby." He shook his head. "I mean...incredible."

Meredith swallowed hard at the realization that all of her father's happy memories of when Meredith was young were likely now assimilated with those of his replacement daughters. "That's me," she spoke up. "The red sled and the big fir tree and the park at the middle school in the ugly yellow plaid wool coat. That isn't Molly; it's you and me." It may have been more than twenty years ago, but Meredith could still remember that day. Her mother had been working, as usual, and it had snowed a lot overnight. Thatcher had walked her to the middle school, dragging the sled behind him while she laughed and yelled for him to go faster. She hadn't been old enough to actually toboggan down hills yet, but he had promised her that he would take her next year.

It was only a few weeks later that he promised to see her soon.

And Meredith had never been tobogganing. The fact that her father had promised meant nothing to Ellis, who hid behind medicine and claimed it too dangerous. It was why, when Derek brought up having a list of things they should do, tobogganing had been high on her list.

Silence fell over the room in a heavy veil of awkwardness and regret.

Meredith sniffed, but covered for it quickly as she inhaled deeply, hugging her arms around her abdomen. Derek reached a hand over to squeeze her knee, reminding her he was there.

Thatcher was staring; out of shock or awe, she had no idea.

Susan cleared her throat, but said nothing.

"I'm sorry," Meredith stammered, averting her eyes. She was supposed to be 'New Meredith,' and yet she couldn't seem to be nice for more than a couple sentences at a time.

"No," Susan spoke up softly. "There's no being sorry tonight, Meredith. We're here to start over. So, it's okay to get angry."

Meredith looked to Susan, expecting to see regret or condescension, but instead found only understanding.

"But why don't we move to a lighter topic for now?" Susan suggested. "How did you two kids meet?"

"Oh, I...uh..." Meredith stammered, taken by surprise by the question. She had already vocalized that she and Derek were friendly in a way that wasn't socially acceptable, so maybe telling Susan and Thatcher that she and Derek had met in a bar and hadn't exchanged names until the following morning wasn't all that bad...

"We work together," Derek spoke up.

"That's nice. So, you're a doctor too?"

Meredith tensed, waiting for the rest of the conversation to go horribly wrong. _Not an intern, or even a resident? An attending! Such a big age difference. Meredith, what are you thinking? Can't handle the program without a leg up?_

But it didn't go that way at all.

Derek nodded. "Neurosurgeon. We actually started on the same day."

"So, you're new to Seattle?"

Again, he nodded. And Meredith sighed. It was nice to be away from the immediate conversation, even if only for a moment.

"Where are you from?"

"New York."

"That's a long way. Do you have family there?"

"My mom is still there. And my four sisters. Plus husbands. Plus kids."

As much as Meredith hated her boyfriend in this moment for his easy ability to talk about his life, she was being calmed by his light words. No one was being interrogated. And no one was about to be lectured or called ordinary. Getting to know the parents wasn't really that big of a deal. And maybe Meredith should pay attention to the way he answered Susan's questions, seeing as she would be in his position in a month's time.

"That's a big family. Do you miss them?"

"I do," he admitted. "But I'll see them next month."

Susan smiled. "Going home to visit?"

"We both are," Meredith spoke up, finally finding her voice again. Derek smiled at her, pleasantly surprised at her timing. It gave her confidence to keep going. "We've tried to go twice before, but it's been a stressful year, and things keep getting in the way. But I have two weeks off after my intern exam, so we're finally going to make it."

"That's nice. Have you been to New York before?"

Meredith shrugged. "A couple times in college. It wasn't too far."

There was an extended pause before Thatcher finally spoke up again. "Uh, where did you go to college, Meredith?"

She wanted to laugh in his face and tell him he should already know the answer, but she swallowed down the impulse. She was new Meredith, after all. "Dartmouth. And I stayed for med school."

"That's a wonderful school, Meredith," Susan responded. "Our- My oldest, Lexie, is finishing up at Harvard right now, but she was considering Dartmouth. Wouldn't that have been funny, if you two had ended up at the same school, only one year apart?"

"Uh, yeah...funny..."

Susan, realizing she was going a bit too far, quickly changed the focus back to Derek. "So, Derek, what do you think of Seattle?"

He smiled. "It has ferry boats."

Despite the tension that was still floating in the air, Meredith couldn't help but laugh, Derek chuckling beside her.

"Just ignore him."

"Hey, she asked."

Susan smiled, glad to see Meredith relaxing. "So, ferry boats are the only good thing Seattle has to offer?"

Derek smiled and entwined his fingers with Meredith's. "Not the only thing."

His gesture was not lost on anyone in the room.

"So, you're planning on staying?" Susan asked, and even though Meredith had never experienced this kind of conversation before, she was pretty sure the words had more than one level to them. Was he planning on staying in Seattle, and was he planning on staying with Meredith.

"Absolutely," was his confident response. "At least for the next four years. Then I'm sure we'll have at least a dozen fellowship opportunities to contend with."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'd be happy with one," she said dryly. They had already assured each other they would move anywhere together, and the first valid opportunity to move would be for her fellowship.

"You'll get a ton," he assured.

She said nothing, but smiled inwardly at his unwavering confidence in her. No one had ever had such belief in her before. And it gave her confidence in herself to be able to spend one of her precious nights off having dinner with the father that abandoned her and the step-mother she hadn't known existed.

* * *

_**AN: I'm having a dilemma about the events of the end of season three, most notably being what to do about Susan. My original idea was to have more friction between Meredith and Thatcher/Susan, so that they wouldn't go to Seattle Grace looking for help with the hiccups (seeing as it wouldn't be the hospital closest to them b/c Molly was originally a transfer). Anyway, Susan wouldn't die, and it would open up more opportunity for the season four timeline. HOWEVER, I am starting to think I should/could go with the show, and have her die, because of the obvious plotlines, and because it would bring Lexie to Grace (as a surprise to Meredith) and would allow me to follow the small Thatcher plotlines in season four (and yes, that means I am continuing through season four...). **_

_**Anyway, any feedback on this will be greatly appreciated. **_


	66. Chapter 66

_**AN: You know that statement that bad things happen in threes? Very wrong. I'm way over three. Life just plain sucks this month, and I've barely had time to breathe, let alone write. I did manage to finish this chapter, and proof another oneshot I've had for a bit, but it may be another couple days to a week before I have another chapter of HWA (providing another family member doesn't end up in the hospital). The new oneshot, which I'm posting at the same time as this, will be part one of a series of four oneshots revolving around the s5 finale. It's a bit different than what I usually write, but please give it a try. I'll get the next chapter of Where You Belong up as soon as possible!**_

* * *

_**  
**_

Meredith sighed as she pushed open the front door and stepped into her front hall.

Dinner had been exhausting, and she hadn't known how much more she would be able to deal with when Derek had been paged back to the hospital. Susan had immediately offered Meredith a lift home later so she could stay for dessert and coffee, but Meredith had declined, which she suspected had been anticipated by both parties.

They had quickly said their goodbyes, and Derek had detoured to their home to drop Meredith off before heading into the hospital. One of his old coworkers from New York had flown to Seattle for surgery, and though her procedure had been stressful, she had pulled through and was now waking up. And Derek wanted to be there.

Meredith shut the door behind her with a bang, trying to rid herself of the tension that had built up as the evening had worn on. Trying to get to know her father was a lot easier said than done.

Giggling from the living room pulled her from her train of thoughts.

With a furrowed brow, Meredith stepped towards the doorway, and smiled at the sight that greeted her.

Cristina was sprawled sideways in the chair, her back against one armrest and her knees over the other, with her ankles hooked together. Izzy was similarly placed on the couch, her long legs hooked over the back of the couch while she leaned against an arm rest. George was on the floor by the other chair, leaning against in for support. All had obviously been drinking.

"You were supposed to call me hours ago," Meredith called to Cristina as she strode across the room and collapsed onto the other side of Izzy's couch. Cristina had promised to call with an 'emergency' forty-five minutes into dinner.

Cristina made a face. "Crap. I forgot." It was as close to a sorry as Meredith would ever get. "I had a crisis."

"Yeah. Exactly. That was the plan." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"No, I mean I had a real crisis."

"What kind of crisis?"

"A 'my-ex-may-be-about-to-ruin-my-impending-marriage' crisis."

"I guess I can't be too mad at you then..."

Cristina made a face.

"Do you think you could be a little more specific?"

"Burke feels threatened by McGrope-y," Izzy piped up.

"He is not," Cristina retorted. "He just...he doesn't get it."

"What? He doesn't get that you shacked up with an old man for three years? I don't get that either."

Cristina glared at Izzy. "He's not that old. And it's not like he...does old people things. There were no early bird dinners or depends."

"He needed little blue old man pills," Izzy reminded.

Cristina continued to glared. "I liked him for his mind, not his..." She cut herself off. "I am not talking about this."

George laughed quietly to himself, the first noise he had made since Meredith walked in. From his position on the floor, his head back and eyes closed, Meredith had thought he was asleep. "Colin Marlow needs Viagra..."

"Shut up!"

George stopped laughing, but was still smiling. "It's just...you learn about these 'larger than life' doctors in med school and then you find out...well, he's not all that large at all on his own."

"I thought I told you to shut up!" Cristina called, throwing a cushion George's way, but missing by a good couple feet.

"Okay, but seriously," Meredith said when she had finally stopped laughing, "What's going on with Burke and Marlow?"

"They talked."

"And?"

"And it's never a good thing if your ex talks to your boyfriend."

"Fiancé," Inzzy interrupted. "He's your fiancé."

"Whatever. Marlow told Burke we were together for three years, until med school was over. Now Burke thinks I'm just with him because of his knowledge and skills." She scoffed. "Pretentious bastard. Like I would just walk away from him at the end of my residency or something? Where does he get that? There's a reason I said no to Marlow and yes to Burke."

Meredith pursed her lips as she considered. "Have you told him this?"

"What, that I'm angry?"

"No; that you don't plan on moving on after your residency."

"Of course not. He's supposed to know it without me saying. I said I'd marry him, shouldn't that mean something?"

"Maybe he just thinks you're just doing it to appease him?" Izzy suggested.

"I am doing it to appease him. Marriage is stupid. Weddings are stupid. But I agreed to do it. Why can't he see that?"

"Because he's stupid," George piped up. "Okay, he's not stupid, because he's Preston Burke, and Preston Burke is not stupid. But marriage is stupid. Well, it can be stupid. Today, it's stupid."

Meredith raised an eyebrow as she shifted her attention between friends. "Okay, what's up with you?"

George groaned and covered his face with his hands.

"Callie kicked him out," Izzy spoke up.

"Kicked him out? I didn't think you could do that when you got married..."

"Apparently Callie didn't get that memo."

"Why did she kick you out, George?"

He groaned and mumbled something into his hands.

Meredith giggled and exchanged a look with Izzy. "Can't hear ya, George."

He slipped his hands down his face and sighed. "I don't even know. She was mad that I told you about her money. And then mad that Izzy found out. And now...now she's just mad. And it's not fair! I didn't do anything wrong. I tell her things. She knows all the important things about me. And I keep finding out about these things she doesn't tell me. And not only that, but she lied to me! She told me we had a deal at the Archfield. That's not only withholding the truth; that's lying."

"Did you tell her that?"

George nodded. "That's why she kicked me out. Well, that and she seems to think Izzy's in love with me."

Meredith snorted. "Sounds like she's going crazy."

"We already knew she was a little crazy," Cristina piped up.

Izzy nodded. "The girl does like her nudity."

Meredith laughed. "She still avoids Derek at all costs."

George groaned and covered his face again. "She's not crazy. I love her. It's just...it doesn't seem like this should be this hard. Marriage is about communication, right? I communicate. She doesn't. Well, she does, but not enough. And when she does, I have no idea what she's saying. Why can't she just explain things the way they are?"

"Maybe you knocked her up and the pregnancy hormones have her going extra crazy."

This time George's groan was coupled with his hands covering his face again.

Meredith laughed at both Cristina's comment and George's reaction.

"She's not pregnant. She...she can't be."

"Have you had sex with her, Bambi?"

"Yeah..." he mumbled from behind his hands.

"Then it's possible."

"But she would have told me."

"You just told us she doesn't always tell you important things."

George's hands came down and he looked around worriedly. "You don't think... she would have told me, right? That's something she would have said?"

"Why don't you call her and make sure?"

He blinked and then reached into his pocket for his cell phone.

"George!" Meredith called before he could dial. She was up and across the floor quickly, snatching the phone from his hands.

"But I need to call her. I need to ask if she's pregnant."

"She's not," Meredith assured. "Cristina's just trying to pull your chain." She glared at her best friend. "And you, stop bugging George. He's going through enough right now, and he's drunk."

"So, I'm drunk..."

"Not as drunk as George."

Meredith shook her head as she headed back to her spot on the couch, grabbing a partially full tequila bottle on her way. Collapsing onto the couch, she looked to Izzy. "Everything okay with you?"

Izzy shrugged. "I'm on sympathy drinking duty. Cristina came over to rant, and then George came over to rant with alcohol."

"Ranting with alcohol is definitely the best way," she agreed.

Izzy perked up a bit. "Hey, how was dinner with your father- wait, where is Derek?" She glanced around as if she could have missed him.

"He got paged."

"That's too bad."

"Actually, it was a life saver. I don't think I could have lasted another two minutes in that house."

"That bad?"

Meredith sighed and tipped back her bottle of tequila. "Just incredibly awkward. We have nothing to say to each other. And he's apparently taken all of the good memories he has of me growing up and assimilated them with Molly and Lexie. I doubt he can remember me anymore."

"I doubt that-"

"He told us about how much the baby looks like Molly in this old picture he has of Molly and him. Described the picture to a tee. Only the picture was of me and him, not Molly."

Izzy sighed and pulled her legs off of the back of the couch and sat upright. She quickly scooted closer to Meredith and slung an arm over her shoulder supportively. "You have us now," she reminded.

Meredith was surprised to feel herself blink back tears. "I just wish it wasn't this hard. I should be able to get to know him, right? It shouldn't be this much of a hassle."

"You shouldn't have to get to know him at all," Cristina spoke up. "Parents aren't supposed to just leave like that. I say if he wants to know you, then it's all on him."

"Yeah," George agreed. "None of him leaving was your fault."

Meredith sighed. "I know. I just...wish this could be easy."

"It'll get better," Izzy assured, always the promoter for optimism.

"And Susan," Meredith continued. "She's...nice. Like really nice. But she fights his battles, which makes me feel horrible. I don't want to argue with her, but I can't just let him back into my life like it's the most normal thing in the world. What's to stop him from leaving again? I don't exactly have a good track record for keeping people in my life."

"You've kept us."

She rolled her eyes. "You guys need me for my house. Plus, it's only been a year. After five years Thatcher had enough of me and didn't think twice about cutting me out of his life. I can't go through that again."

"We don't just need you for your house," George piped up. "Cristina doesn't even live here."

Meredith rolled her eyes again. "She needs me for it today. She's only here because she's avoiding Burke."

Cristina scowled. "Actually he's avoiding me. He refused to come home with me until I told him how it ended with me and Marlow, and then he just walked away."

There was an elongated pause, filled with awkwardness where no one quite knew what to say to comfort the young surgeon who so often kept to herself. And then Izzy cleared her throat and turned to Meredith, determined to change the subject. "So, Susan is nice?"

"Too nice," Meredith clarified. "She just...she was probably a great mom. And would have made a great step mom. But the point is that she wasn't my mom or step mom. And I don't know how to tell her that without coming off like a horrible person. She keeps saying these things...and she just doesn't understand that they don't mean the same thing to me as to her own shiny daughters."

"Like what?"

She shrugged. "She told me to bring a friend to dinner. I brought Derek because I thought that's what you did when you were in a relationship. And apparently I was wrong, and she was expecting a _friend _friend, like one of you guys, and things were awkward."

"What, so you're not allowed to fraternise with the opposite?" Cristina asked sarcastically.

"No, it wasn't like that." She sighed. "She said she wished she had been able to warn Thatcher because he didn't like it when 'his girls' brought home boys because he wanted to stay as the most important man in their lives. Well, he obviously didn't freaking care about that with me because he hasn't been the most important man in my life since I was five, and that was all his choice."

"Meredith," Izzy said gently, "Have you ever wondered if maybe...maybe your mother kept him from you? His side might be different..."

"She didn't keep him from me," Meredith answered quietly, averting her eyes as she blinked away tears. She took a swig of tequila before continuing. "It's not like my mother wanted me, so she wouldn't have kept me from him. He just disappeared. Promised to see me soon, but never came back. And never tried to follow me to Boston."

"But maybe he couldn't-"

"Stop," Meredith said sharply. Thatcher was just the first of a long line of people in her life who had decided they were better off without her in their lives. She didn't need this dragged out; she was already hurting enough. "I asked him once, why he didn't fight, why he didn't try harder."

"And?"

"And nothing. He didn't have an answer, other than the fact that he closed the door behind him and didn't make any move to invite me in. And I've always heard that actions speak louder than words anyways..."

Cristina snorted. "So that's what that means..."

A giggle escaped her lips despite her mood. "I worked so hard to get to where I am now...How am I supposed to just let him in now?"

"No one says you have to."

"But he's still your father," Izzy pointed out.

Meredith made an exasperated noise and downed another mouthful of tequila. "You two are remarkably unhelpful."

"What about me?" George asked, having lifted his head from his hands.

She snorted. "You've been remarkably quiet." The truth was she had assumed he had fallen asleep again. Having been his roommate for ten months had taught her that George couldn't hold his alcohol.

"But I'm still here," he whined.

"But you didn't say anything," she pointed out.

He considered her comment. "But I thought it."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "We're not clairvoyant."

Even in his state, he knew to ignore Cristina. "Your father made a lot of mistakes, but he's still your father. And you need to do what you can with him while you have the chance."

Meredith found herself blinking back a tear. George's voice was so full of integrity, even with the alcohol, reminding her of just how devastated he had been when he lost his father. At the time, she had told her best friend that she was jealous of George, and that if Thatcher died her life wouldn't be any different. And here she was with an opportunity to change that, to build a relationship with her father.

"This is stupid," she muttered.

Cristina made a face. "You mean it's hard."

"Whatever." She hated that certain people knew her so well sometimes.

"You know what makes it easier?"

"What?"

Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Alcohol."

With a laugh and a shake of the head, Meredith raised her bottle of tequila to her lips.

**

Derek suppressed a yawn as he approached the Nurses' Station, eager to get the day started so that it would end. After being paged into the hospital the night before, he had been pleased to find his friend from New York awake and grateful. He had spent almost an hour with her, and was just about to head home when he had been pulled into an emergency consult, which had, of course, turned into an emergency surgery. Now he had a surgery scheduled for the morning and a meeting with the board in the afternoon. Needless to say, it would be a long day.

"Can I have Hank Callister's chart, please?" He asked the nurse on duty.

"Of course. Here you go, Dr. Shepherd."

"Thanks," he called absently as he took the chart and suppressed another yawn. Callister was his only scheduled patient, and he was praying the day would stay quiet.

Half-way to the patient's room, Derek slowed as he caught snippets of anxious swearing. Furrowing his brow, he turned down a quiet hallway, only to find Callie Torres-O'Malley, wearing a dress and pearls under her lab coat, glaring at her cell phone. This was definitely not an everyday sight, and he was already dreading his relatively quiet day wouldn't stay so quiet.

"Is everything okay, Dr. Torres?" He was never quite sure what to call her, but he was taking the fact that George had been passed out in his living room when he had gone home to change as a hint not to tag 'O-Malley' onto his address to her.

Callie's eyes flickered upwards and widened. "Oh, I, uh...everything is fine, Dr. Shepherd." She took a step back, as if preparing to run.

Derek bit back a laugh. It had been months since he had inadvertently caught the younger surgeon naked in the upstairs hallway at home, but she still tried to avoid him. "You don't happen to be looking for your husband?"

The question caught her off guard. "Why?"

"Because you look stressed. And because O'Malley spent last night in my living room."

"Of course he would go there," she muttered under her breath.

Derek offered her a smile. "Don't go too hard on him. They're a family." Truth was, he often felt a tang of jealousy at Meredith's close relationship with her fellow interns. He had leanred to remind himself that the four played the role of being her family; that she didn't have parents and siblings, and aunts and uncles and cousins to be close to.

Callie nodded, and then let out a defeated breath. "Did he tell you what I said to him?"

"He wasn't exactly conscious when I went home to change..." With a smirk, he drew his cell phone out of his pocket and navigated through his menu to find the picture he had taken only an hour before. Izzy, George, Meredith and Cristina, in that order, were lined up on the couch, leaning against each other, fast asleep.

He passed the phone to Callie. "I was here all night, and only got a chance to go home and change. This is what I found in the living room."

Callie stared at the screen silently for several seconds before passing the phone back. She sighed. "So I guess I can tell my overactive imagination to relax because now I know he didn't spend the night with another woman..." She said, trying to make light of the situation.

Derek smirked. "Your imagination was way off," he agreed, "It was three women."

She glared at him. "Thanks for that."

He held up his hands. "Keep in mind one of them is my girlfriend, so I'm only making a joke."

"I know. I'm just already having a horrible day. And I need George to be...George today." She glanced at him before continuing. "My father called me first thing this morning to inform me he was on his way to Seattle and wanted to have lunch with me and George."

"Have he and George met before?"

"No. And to make everything even worse, George and I had a huge fight last night and he spent the night with his friends."

"They're not his friends, they're his family," he repeated. "It took me a while to understand, too. They don't have anyone else."

"But George does. He had a wonderful mother. And two brothers. Who all live close by."

"Would you be this upset if he ran to one of his brothers last night?"

"He would never do that. He's not close to them."

"Exactly my point. Meredith, Stevens and Yang, and sometimes Karev, are his family."

She nodded and avoided his eyes. "I want to be his family, too. What if they never let me in?"

He nodded as he considered the question. "They will; _he_ will. They've had quite the year, experienced some things very few ever do. Just give him some time."

**

It wasn't until after his awkward conversation with his former roommate's new wife and his morning surgery, which should have been quick, but hit complication after complication, that Derek finally saw his girlfriend.

After meeting with his patient's family in the waiting room, hours after he had planned, he stumbled up to his office and collapsed onto the couch. It could have been minutes or hours before he heard a knock on his door. And before he could begin to respond the door began to open.

He groaned before sitting up. Only three people in the hospital would come in without his consent, and only one of those was welcome right now. The Chief seemed to think a cursory knock made the subsequent barging in acceptable. Mark seemed to think he could come and go whenever he wanted, as if using their open door policy from back in New York would cause them to fall back into their old friendship. Lastly, after months of him telling her it was okay, Meredith came and went at will.

He sighed with relief when Meredith's face popped around the corner of his door.

"Hey," she called brightly, quickly stepping in and closing the door behind her.

"Hey," he responded easily, smiling up at her.

She dropped the bag in her hands to the ground and collapsed onto the couch next to him.

Derek didn't waste any time in wrapping his arms around her and burying his nose in her hair.

Meredith leaned into him. "What are you doing?"

"Mmm, breathing you in."

She giggled. "I meant what are you doing up here in your office?"

"Resting. Or trying to. My girlfriend came in and distracted me from my resting."

She giggled again. "She can leave, if that's what you want. But you have to let go of her first."

He chuckled. "Resting with you is always more restful."

"Really, because I can remember quite a few instances where we weren't so restful when we were supposed to be..."

He growled into her hair. "I'm too tired for you to bait me."

"Hey, you baited me first."

Loosening his grip around her, he shifted so that his chin could rest on her shoulder. "I don't have the energy to not be restful right now."

"That's not why I came up," she assured quickly. "I heard you surgery went long, and I doubt you got any sleep last night, so I brought food."

Derek smiled and hugged her tight again. "I don't think I've ever loved you as much as I do right now."

She giggled. "Well, you need to let go of me to actually eat the food..."

With a heavy sigh, Derek released his girlfriend. She pecked his lips before pulling her bag close and rummaging through it.

"Here," she said, passing him a Styrofoam container. "I got you a chicken salad. I know you don't like to eat anything heavy when you haven't slept, so I got the salad. But you really need to protein to get through today, so try and eat the chicken..."

"Thanks, doctor," he mumbled sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "This is what I get for being helpful."

"No, this is what you get for being helpful," he stated, quickly hooking his hand behind her head and pressing his lips against hers. She was slow to respond to the kiss, taken by surprise, but he soon felt her smile against his lips, before kissing him back.

"Thank-you," he confirmed after he pulled away, quickly pecking her lips again.

"You're welcome," she responded, pecking him back. She pulled her own take-out container from the bag and the two of them sat back on the couch.

"Are you ready for your interview?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. I'm so tired right now... I wish I could postpone it."

"You could try," she suggested. "They need to be considerate to the fact that you were here last night."

"I think it's too late to ask now. And I don't want them to think I would be looking for special considerations if they make me Chief."

"True." She took a bite of her lunch. "How long do you have?"

"A little more than an hour."

She hummed under her breath and leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder. "That's crappy."

He leaned his head against hers and sighed. "It is. But you brought me food, so it's better than it was five minutes ago."

"How's you friend?"

"Helen is fine. Sleeping a lot, which is to be expected, but she's been lucid every time I've check on her."

"Good."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed, lifting his head to continue with his lunch. Meredith, however made no move to lift hers off his shoulder. "I guess you're tired too..."

"Yeah, I...uh..."

"Stayed up all night drinking with your friends."

This time she did life her head. "How do you know that?"

He smirked. "I went home to change and pick up my suit for the interview. You guys were strewn over the couch together."

"We were not."

"Oh, you absolutely were. And I just happen to have photographic proof." He pulled out his phone and passed it to her.

She took the cell and quickly scrawled through the menus. "I hate you," she finally muttered.

"You love me," he countered, taking back his phone before she could delete the photograph.

"It wasn't my fault," she tried again. "They were already drunk when you dropped me off. George had a fight with Callie. And I guess he and Izzy made up. And Cristina had a fight with Burke about Marlow. And I had a stressful night, so it was just...easy to join in."

Sensing a sudden vulnerability in her tone, Derek's smile fell away. "Are you okay about last night? I'm sorry I couldn't be there after dinner-"

"Hey," she quickly cut him off. "You went above and beyond just by coming with me last night. This whole thing has nothing to do with you. And I'm just having trouble understanding why it has anything to do with me, or if I want it to have anything to do with me."

He cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

She offered him a sad smile. "He didn't want anything to do with me for so many years. Why should I let him in now, after everything that has happened? I know I'm supposed to be 'new Meredith' and everything. But I can't help but wonder if he even would have cared if I had died in the water."

His heart clenched painfully at the mention of her accident. He had made huge strides in overcoming the panic that came from being away from her, but it didn't mean he wasn't still acutely aware of what he had almost lost. "He'd be an idiot if he wasn't," was all he could manage to say. "In fact, he's an idiot for ever not wanting to be a part of your life."

She sniffed and allowed him to pull her against his chest, snaking her own arms around his waist. "I hate that it's so hard," she admitted.

"Me too. And I hate that I can't make it better for you. But I can promise you that I won't ever do to you what he did. I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," she mumbled into the soft fabric of his scrub top.

"And what you said before, about it being above and beyond for me to go with you last night? That was wrong. It's my job to go with you, Meredith. I'll put up with as many awkward dinners as necessary. It's what I'm here for. This whole situation has to do with me because it has to do with _you_. I'm not going to make this decision for you, but I want to be around while you decide."

"What did I ever to do deserve you?"

"A hundred things."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"It won't be this stressful meeting your family, right?"

He smiled at how easily the words came out of her mouth. They were less than a month away. "It'll be stressful, but in a different way. They'll love you. And they'll want you to be a part of the family. But they're really loud, and a little overbearing, so it's always a little stressful being at home."

Meredith giggled. "Even though it's still a little scary, I kinda can't wait. I want to know what a really family is like."

"You will," he mumbled, hugging her close. "I promise."


	67. Chapter 67

_**AN: I'm **_**finally**_** finding some time to write. For those of you also reading Here We Are, I have started posting again as of this week (and am almost finished the next chapter!). Anyway, after I posted the site started doing strange things and I wasn't receiving alerts or even able to sign in...**_

Finding himself in an empty exam room with only ten or so minutes to spare before his meeting with the board, Derek muttered to himself as he struggled to make his tie lie straight. He was still exhausted, but the lunch his girlfriend had brought him helped in making him feel a little more human.

He swallowed uncomfortably before swearing as his fingers came up to his tie once more. He hated wearing ties; they reminded him of a life he never wanted to be leading again. They reminded him of a stuffy and monotonous private practice, weekly society dinners and a slew of people he wouldn't miss if he never saw again.

He used to wear ties every day. Now he only wore them on occasion. And today, the fabric around his neck felt much more like a noose than a piece of clothing.

When the door swung open behind him, he sucked in a breath and prepared to turn to meet the intruder and act as if everything was perfectly okay. But the scent of lavender hit his nostrils and he breathed easier.

Meredith's small hands snaked around his lower torso as she hugged him from behind. "Are you ready?"

"I wish I didn't have to wear a tie," he muttered, his fingers returning to the offending material once more. "I hate ties."

She released her grip around him and moved around him to push his hands away from his neck, replacing them with her own. Silently, she untied the knot and readjusted the tie around his neck before retying it.

He couldn't help but smile at her actions, especially at the way her upper incisors were pressed firmly down on her lower lip as she concentrated on the task.

"There," she finally announced when she had finished, "How's that?"

"Much better," he responded, leaning down to kiss her. "Thank-you."

"You're very welcome," she breathed, resting her now free hands open-palmed against his chest. "And I know you hate ties, but I can't say I share your feelings. You look very handsome, and they're good for things..."

He narrowed his eyes. "What kind of things?"

She smirked and shifted one hand over, grasping the tie and tugging, pulling him down to her level to kiss him. "See? Look how easy that is," she explained when they had pulled away. "I don't have to stand on my tip toes at all."

He chuckled. "I think I'm going to need a second demonstration..."

With a giggle, Meredith repeated the action, this time the kiss lasting several moments longer.

"Ah, yes, now I really understand."

She sidled even closer to him. "And I'm sure ties can be put to other uses too...more private uses..."

He felt like he had taken a punch to the gut; not necessarily a bad one, just bad for right now. "You can make it dirty," he chastised, pushing her fingers away from his tie, "Not when I have to wear it to a very important meeting."

She giggled. "Okay, you go to your meeting, and then we'll make it dirty later..."

"Meredith..." He whined, his body beginning to think of things that had nothing to do with board meetings.

She smiled before standing up on her tip-toes and pecking his lips. "Okay, I'll be good."

He smiled down at her, wondering how he had gotten so lucky when he realized how calm he felt. She had done this on purpose. She had baited him and joked with him and brought up certain things because she had known it would relax him. God, he was lucky.

"I should go," he found himself whispering, despite the fact that there was no where he would rather be but with her.

"You should," she agreed. "And you're going to do awesome. I know it."

He ducked his head to kiss her one last time. "I love you so much, Mer."

She smiled as he leaned his forehead against his. "I love you too. Now, go," she ordered, pressing against his chest. "Or you're going to be late."

After pecking her lips one last time, he turned and left, quickly heading for the board room.

The interview started with relatively easy questions. How was he enjoying Seattle, working at Grace? How was he interacting with the staff and how did he feel about the equipment. Gradually, the questions moved forward. What changes did he think needed to be made? How could things be improved? Were there any major issues that needed to be addressed?

He answered everything easily. He had answers prepared.

They asked him what he would do if he were made Chief. What would he do differently? What would he do the same? Did he have any specific goals in mind for the hospital or the surgical department?

Everything had gone smoothly, and he thought they had exhausted all possible questions. He was wrong.

"Dr. Shepherd," one of the members began, an elderly, balding man who hadn't performed surgery in a decade, and had the personality of a rusted nail, asked. "We're in a rather...unique situation here. It has come to our attention," he glanced at Richard, "That there are some, how can I put this, fraternizing going on between more than one of our Chief candidates and some of our...'newer' staff members."

Derek resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Now, nothing that we are aware of is against any rules. And we certainly are not going to put your candidacy at risk-"

Thankfully, a younger member of the board, who was actually still somewhat involved in what went on at the hospital, interrupted. "All we're doing, Dr. Shepherd, is giving you an opportunity to make a statement if you choose to do so. If not, there is no problem. I will say that we are inviting all of our Chief candidates to make a statement if they choose."

Derek sighed, all eyes on him. The most recent board member to speak put him a little more at ease. It felt less like he was about to be interrogated or denied the job. "What kind of statement are you looking for?" He asked evenly. This definitely hadn't been expected.

"Anything you would like us to know."

"Okay." He took a breath, making a decision. "I am involved with another member of the staff," he admitted, not that he suspected it was a surprise to anyone in the room. "It is a very serious and committed relationship. We met before either of us began working here, and I feel we've been nothing but professional while in the hospital." Except for that time in the exam room at prom, he thought to himself. But there was no way they could know about that, right?

"Is there anything else you care to say?" The first man asked again.

Derek furrowed his brow. "Is there something specific you want to know?"

"All we want to know is anything you want to tell us," he returned snidely.

Derek took a breath, trying to expel the anger he was feeling towards his current Chief of Surgery. He was certain this wasn't entirely legal. Interviewers were not allowed to discriminate against you regarding your home life. And yet, _somehow_ they knew about his relationship. He could only hope Richard had also informed the board about Burke's relationship with an intern, Mark's propensity to sleep with anything female that moved, and Addison's tendency towards infidelity. "Are you looking for me to say I would end my relationship should I be given Chief?" He asked carefully.

Two of the members sat up a little straighter; maybe surprised by his boldness. "We aren't looking for anything specific," the second member said again. "Just anything you'd like for us to know."

_Yeah, sure you aren't,_ Derek muttered silently. "I am involved in a very committed relationship," he repeated, treading carefully. Not only would a bad answer affect him, but would affect Meredith. Should she choose to run for Chief Resident, a job he knew would be perfect for her, or should she apply for a fellowship, something that had a good chance of happening, she would need the board on her side. And knowing that Richard had divulged the fact that he was in a relationship with an intern told him that Richard more than likely named the intern. He made a decision. "Dr. Grey and I have been together for a year." _Well, almost. Just a couple weeks left now. And with the extra crap they've have to deal with, it should count as five._ "We are planning on getting married." _When; he wasn't sure. But they would be engaged soon; he was just working on the when and the where of the proposal._ "And if you're looking for me to say I would end our relationship if I was made Chief, I can't do that. I won't do that." It may be harsh, but it was the truth.

"Is there anything else you would like to add?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Thank-you, Dr. Shepherd." And, after shaking everyone's hands, Derek was dismissed

Derek was still seething when he took a front row seat in the gallery right in time to watch his girlfriend perform part of a facial reconstruction on the pregnant Jane Doe Alex had pulled out from underneath a pylon at the ferry crash. Although he had been apprehensive about Mark's reasoning behind picking Meredith for the procedure, he couldn't help but smile at the fact that his girlfriend was kicking ass.

Someone took a seat beside him, and he sucked in a breath, not needing to turn his head to know who was now next to him.

"The board was impressed with you," Richard said after Derek stayed silent for several minutes.

"Hmm," was his only response, his eyes still trained on Meredith.

"Derek?" Richard pressed when Derek didn't so much as turn towards him.

With a sigh, Derek sat up and glanced at his boss. "You had no right to inform them about my relationship."

"Derek..."

"No. You had no right. Again and again you put your nose where it doesn't belong. The board didn't need to know about Meredith and I."

"They can't discriminate against you because of it, Derek."

"Not officially. But you and I both know it can affect their views about me, and about Meredith."

"They just wanted to see how you would address the question."

"Somehow I'm finding it harder and harder to take you at your word, Richard."

"What was I supposed to do?" He asked. "What if one of the board members found out about your relationship, but not Burke's? I was trying to level the playing field so no one was unfairly punished; like I did to you when I first found out about you and Meredith." Richard had overlooked Derek as a candidate for temporary Chief of Surgery and had appointed Burke back when he had had surgery. He had known about Derek and Meredith, but not about Burke and Cristina. "I'm trying to change, Derek."

Derek stayed silent, slowly releasing a breath through his nose. Maybe Richard had a point, but he was tired of the man's meddling.

"I know you're not happy with me right now, Derek," Richard conceded after a long moment. "But the way you handled the question...well, I'm proud of you. I trust you with her."

"But that's the problem," he retorted, turning to his boss once more. "It's not your place to decide who can be trusted with her."

Richard fell silent, sitting back on his chair and forgoing any further conversation.

Derek's attention returned to his girlfriend in time for her to glance up at the gallery. He smiled down at her, urging her on. She was going to make a hell of a surgeon one day.

**

After the facial reconstruction had finished, Derek slipped out of the gallery to check on his patients. When he had assured himself that everyone would be fine until rounds the next morning, he made sure he had his wallet and keys, and went in search of his girlfriend.

He found her in the locker room, and seeing that she was alone, quietly snuck in behind her.

Meredith jumped as his arms found their way around her waist from behind. "Derek! You scared the crap out of me."

He pressed his face into the space between her shoulder blades. "How do you know it's me?"

She giggled and leaned back into him, her fingers weaving their way through his. "Two reasons. One; you're the only person in the hospital who would sneak up and hug me. And two; do you really think I can't tell it's you? You _feel_ like you."

"Mmm," he mumbled into her back. "Good to know."

"How was your interview?"

"Fine."

"Fine, huh? That's my word."

He chuckled and released her, choosing to collapse onto the bench across from her locker. "Most of it was good. And then..." He sighed. "The Chief is still driving me crazy."

She collapsed beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Did they ask you about me?"

Something in the tone of her voice made him know she knew something. "What makes you ask that?"

She sighed. "Cristina...she told me that Burke was really angry after his interview. The Chief told the Board about his relationship with her. And, of course, about the tremor."

He couldn't say it didn't make him feel better that he wasn't the only candidate who had been taken by surprise. "Yeah, they asked me if I wanted to make a statement..."

"A statement? That sounds..."

"Pathetic?"

"A little. What did you say?"

He hooked an arm around her. "I told them the truth. I think they were looking for me to say I would choose," he admitted.

She stiffened. "Oh."

"Hey," he murmured, pressing his lips into the side of her head. "I told them I wouldn't give you up for Chief."

"Derek..."

"No," he cut her off. "I told them the truth, Meredith. And to be honest, everything that has happened in the last few weeks..." He sighed. "It makes me wonder if I even want the job."

"But it's your dream."

"Yeah," he agreed, "It was. But now I wonder why..."

"You can't say that," she whispered.

"Why not?"

She pulled away far enough to meet his eyes. "Derek, if you hadn't wanted Chief, you would never have come here."

He smiled and kissed her. "And I would never have met you?"

"Yeah."

"But maybe that's the point. My personal life was in shambles. Richard called and asked me to come here with the promise of being Chief..." He shrugged. "I guess it was a good temporary dream because it brought me to you."

"It doesn't mean it can't be your permanent dream."

He smiled and kissed her again. "I have a better permanent dream now."

She sniffed. "You could have two..."

Derek chuckled. "I think you're all I can handle."

"I can't just let you give up on Chief."

"I need to take some time to think about it. I don't think wanting to be Chief to prove that I can win, or because I can't stand the thought of working for Addison or Mark is a good reason to want to be Chief myself."

She giggled. "Good point."

With a laughing breath, he withdrew his arm and stood, ready to move on from the stress of the day. "Are you hungry? I was thinking we could go out for dinner? It's been a while."

She stared up at him for several moments before slowly standing. "Is there a special occasion?"

He smiled. "Of course."

Her lips curled upwards, and then flattened quickly as she released a shaky breath. "Okay. Should I, uh, are we going home to change first?"

Derek shrugged. "If you really want, but I was thinking the little Italian place by the water. I think anything that isn't scrubs is fine."

"If you're sure..."

He furrowed his brow. It had been a while since they had gone out to a restaurant, but it shouldn't be this big of a deal. "You look beautiful in anything, Mer. I'm sure."

With her lower lip captured beneath her teeth, she nodded and proceeded to strip off her scrubs and pull on the jeans and long-sleeved tee she had worn in that morning. "Are you sure this is okay?" She asked, turning to him, her fingers playing with the hem of the opposite sleeve.

He stepped forward to run his fingers through her hair. "Mer, what's the matter?"

"Nothing. I just...it's not that I want to be dressed up or whatever, but I...I've been wearing the same clothes for three days. I haven't washed my hair since yesterday morning. I've got huge bags under my eyes. I probably smell. I-"

"Hey," he cut her off. "You definitely don't smell. What's this all about?"

"I get that I'm not...and we're not...but I...I still want...something. You know?"

Derek blinked, trying to make sense of Meredith's rambling. He was usually pretty good at it, but right now he was completely lost. "I'm sorry, Mer. I need a little more to go on here. What are we 'not'?"

"We're not the type to get dressed up and go out and make a big deal out of things."

"Okay..." She was right, although he had no idea why this had come up. "Mer, if you want to go home and change first, that's fine. Tonight is for you. Hell, we can go somewhere fancy if that's what you want."

"No, the Italian place is fine."

"You just want to get dressed up." He still had no idea what was going on.

"Not dressed up, just more dressed up than jeans."

"Mer, you look fine. I don't see why this is such a big deal to you."

"I don't see why it isn't to you."

He sighed. "Look, Mer, I love you. We can go anywhere you want. And you can wear anything you want. But it's already getting late, so if we're going to go home first, we need to do it now."

"Oh," she said. "I didn't realize there was a time thing..."

"There isn't a time thing," he responded, still lost in the conversation. "It's just-"

She cut him off. "No, it's fine. I get it."

_Well, that makes one of us,_ he said silently in his head.

"Just...give me a minute," she muttered, digging through her locker for a small make-up bag.

With a sigh, he wrapped his arms around her from behind once more, resting his chin on her shoulder while she applied her make-up. She was beautiful without it, but he wasn't about to say anything and restart the conversation.

"It really isn't easy to do this with you this close," she mumbled as she struggled to apply her mascara.

He chuckled, but made no move to release her.

"Derek, seriously..."

"I think we should just stay like this all evening instead," he murmured. "I don't think I've been this calm all day."

She grumbled something under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

He reluctantly released her as she finished with her make-up and tossed the small bag back into her locker. "I know it's something. It's always something."

She sighed and offered him a soft smile. "I just wish I could be as calm as you. I mean I'm calm, just not..._calm_ calm."

They were encroaching on that unknown topic again; the one where she seemed to know exactly what they were talking about, and he was clueless. Although she seemed to think he knew what was going on.

Derek sighed and weaved his fingers through hers. Maybe he was just tired and this would all make sense with some time to process how wanting to take his girlfriend out for dinner to celebrate her successful bone harvest turned into this; whatever _this_ was.


	68. Chapter 68

_**AR: So sorry about my unscheduled 'hiatus' from writing. I very unexpectedly got a really great job offer, that had me moving to a town six hours away on very short notice. AND kept me internet-free for about a month...seriously, lugging my laptop to Starbucks once a week to check my e-mail sucked. I did my best to keep up with my writing, but because I knew I wouldn't be posting right away, I wasn't polishing/reviewing as I went. SO, this chapter is finished, and the next chapter, along with subsequent chapters to HWA and OIF should be up within the week. **_

**

After leading his still-strange-acting girlfriend to the car and watching her fidget out of the corner of his eye as he drove them across the city to the small Italian restaurant they had discovered months earlier, Derek still had no idea what was going on in her mind.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked as he pulled his car into an empty parking space next to the restaurant.

"I'm fine."

"That's good. Although, you don't look fine. And you're acting funny."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are," he countered.

"I'm not," she repeated. "I'm fine. I'm just...whatever."

"Helpful," he muttered under his breath as he stepped out of the car.

She met him in front of the car, her face a myriad of emotions he wasn't used to seeing behind her eyes. Trust and love and that quiet contentment that had slowly been developing were still there, but overshadowed by a pinched expression, her lower lip being squashed by her upper incisors and eyes that didn't seem able to keep trained on the same point for more than a second.

His heart clenched not only at the fact that he didn't know what was wrong, but that he _should _know what was wrong. She had brought him lunch and calmed him down before his interview, all the while recovering from the night before and preparing for her big surgery, and right now he couldn't even make whatever bad things she was feeling go away.

With a heavy sigh, he stepped into her space, his arms snaking around her waist and his forehead pressing up against hers. She gave into his presence, leaning into him, her small hands clutching to the fabric of his shirt.

"We don't have to go out tonight," he murmured. "We're both tired. We could celebrate tomorrow instead."

She shook her head quickly. "No. You have plans. Tonight is fine."

He swayed them side to side ever so slightly. "I don't have anything planned that can't be done tomorrow. At any restaurant. With any dress code."

A soft laugh escaped her mouth. "I know I overreacted a bit...but this is important. And we're only going to do this once. And I thought that you'd want...something different."

"You mean something a little more special?" He would love to taker her out somewhere special every time she made a noticeable advancement at work, but their hectic shifts just didn't allow for it.

"Yeah."

"Meredith...you're amazing. You're a natural. I worried that Mark asked you to do too much today, but you kicked ass. And I promise that once you've passed your intern exam I'm going to take you somewhere special and we'll celebrate for real. But I wasn't exactly left with much time to plan anything today."

Very slowly, she pulled her head away from him, her eyes no longer darting anxiously around but showing hints of disappointment and defeat. "Tonight was about...my surgery?"

"Of course." He cocked his head, still wondering what was going through her mind. "You were amazing; like you had performed a hundred bone grafts. And even though I would much prefer to see you in neuro than plastics, I still think we should celebrate."

She swallowed and nodded. "Celebrate. Surgery. Right."

Something was wrong. Nothing he was saying seemed to make her eyes light up. Had he missed something? Had there been a problem in her surgery? He had argued with the Chief in the gallery. Maybe he had missed a mistake? "Mer," he murmured. "What's wrong?"

A faint sheen misted across her eyes, but a forced smile appeared on her lips. "Nothing. I guess I'm just tired too."

"But-"

"I'm not a hundred percent yet," she reminded. "I guess getting back to full shifts is taking more out of me than I expected."

As with any reminder of her accident, he felt a wave of gratefulness wash over him. She was still here. It was enough to push all of his own frustrations away and hug her for real, stilling any movement and pulling her body close against his. "I'm sorry it's not easier yet," he whispered. "And I'm sorry I can't do more for you. But I'm here, for whatever you need. I'm here."

She sniffed, hugging him back a little too desperately, like she was trying to take extra comfort from him.

Derek closed his eyes and lost himself in the feeling of having her in his arms. She was living and breathing and warm, and he couldn't help but remember how close he had been to losing her. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why she was acting funny. Maybe she too was being reminded of the future they had almost lost. Maybe she just wanted for them to make everything perfect now that they were settling back into a routine.

"I love you so much," he whispered into her hair.

She clutched a little tighter to him. "I love you too."

He pulled away just far enough to meet her eyes, and then he kissed her, long and hard, reminding them both just how alive and well she was.

"Now," he began after he had pulled away, "Are you still up to a bite to eat?"

She sighed and nodded, and allowed him to lead her inside. They engaged in their usual banter as they waited to be served, but he could tell she wasn't putting much effort into it. When their food came, he toasted to her success, but her eyes pinched ever so slightly. And when she declined dessert and he asked her if everything was okay, she offered him a too-forced smile and said everything was fine, despite the fact that her eyes still shone with disappointment.

When they arrived home, Derek announced he was going to have a shower, and was disappointed he was not met with a smirk and an offer to keep him company. She had her own shower after his, and he couldn't help but notice it took longer than usual. When she re-entered the bedroom she pulled on a sleep shirt and kissed him goodnight as she joined him in bed. He wondered why she was avoiding his gaze until he caught sight of the redness behind her eyes.

He wanted to ask her what was wrong, if she had been crying; but she turned away from him and pressed her back against his chest. Fingers from both hands threaded through his and she clutched to him until she fell asleep.

Derek sighed into the darkness, struggling to understand what had gone wrong. The last few weeks had been hell, but things were looking up. Sure, she was still tired, but he doubted that was enough to affect her so strongly. Her father had fleeted back into her life again, and he knew how much that affected her. He hated how the awkward man only made her feel inadequate and unloveable. Maybe the previous night's dinner had just pushed her over an edge. Or maybe it was something else.

**

Meredith was almost relieved when she was paged in early. Derek had been regarding her worriedly since the alarm had gone off, and she had been certain he was going to question her over breakfast. Her pager had gone off just as they were making their way down the stairs. She had shrugged and sent him an apologetic glance before turning back up the stairs to grab her purse. He had offered to go in early with her, but she had declined.

Last night had been...well, she wasn't sure what last night had been. Obviously she had gotten herself worked up for no reason. Neither she nor Derek had brought up anything to do with marriage since his desperate almost-proposal the week before. But when he had suddenly suggested they go out to dinner, she had assumed that meant he was going to propose. He _had _said he had a ring. And she _had_ promised to say yes. And maybe it hadn't been that long since she had talked him down, but he had made it seem like he would be proposing soon.

With a heavy sigh, Meredith collapsed onto a gurney, dropping her monumental pile of charts down beside her. She had been on duty for several hours now, and had taken refuge in the basement in the hopes of avoiding her boyfriend for as long as possible. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him; it was that she wasn't sure what to say to him. He obviously knew something wasn't right. But how was she supposed to explain her disappointment? She wasn't exactly the kind of girl who grew up dreaming of the perfect proposal and the perfect ring and the perfect wedding to her prince charming. Weddings weren't really her thing, and she had never stopped to think about her idea of a perfect proposal. She wasn't even sure if she was an engagement ring wearing kind of person. But Derek kind of was prince charming; sometimes at least.

"You look like crap," Cristina's voice rang out.

Meredith opened her eyes to glare at her best friend. "Thanks," she said dryly. "What are you doing down here?"

Cristina shrugged and dropped onto the next gurney. "Avoiding Burke. And Marlow."

"Right."

"What are you doing down here?"

"Charts."

She rolled her eyes. "First of all, I may believe that if one of the charts was actually open. And second, there are a hundred more comfortable places to do charts."

With a heavy sigh, Meredith moved back on her gurney and leaned against the wall behind her. "I guess I'm avoiding too."

"What's McDreamy done this time?"

"Nothing."

"Sure."

"No, really. He hasn't done anything. And that's kind of the problem."

"You're going to have to be a little more specific here."

With a resigned sigh, Meredith shook her head. "I think I talked him out of proposing."

Cristina sent her a questioning glace, clearly caught by surprise at the topic.

With a look both ways down the tunnel to ensure their privacy, Meredith continued. "He was really clingy after my accident. I think he blamed himself. And when I finally convinced him to go back to work...well, he came home and kind of demanded we get married."

"Don't even get me started on marriage demands," Cristina scoffed. "Burke is being so childish right now-"

"Cristina," Meredith pleaded. She needed her best friend to understand.

"Sorry. Your problems first."

"He wanted us to get married that day."

"Good luck with that. You need a marriage license at least twenty-four hours before."

"Not in Vegas," she said, and then continued off of Cristina's look. "Yeah. He wanted us to go to Vegas and get married."

"He wanted to pull an O'Malley?"

"He was desperate," she continued, trying to make her understand. "It was like he thought if we didn't get married right away, we would never get the chance."

"So you told him he was crazy and said no."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I told him I couldn't say no if he actually asked. And I asked him to wait. Marriage shouldn't start like that, right?"

"Sure." Cristina shrugged. "What did he say?"

"He was disappointed, but he seemed to understand eventually. We would have regretted it eventually. And it wouldn't have fixed how we were both feeling. And now...I know it hasn't even been two weeks, but he hasn't said anything."

"Good. Trust me, Meredith I wish Burke hadn't said anything. This whole thing is just causing problems right now. He's mad at me about Marlow, but it's not my fault he's here."

"But I wanted to say yes, Cris," she admitted, ignoring Cristina's rant. It was how they worked. Tears she had been holding back since the previous night sprang to her eyes. "I wanted to say yes, but I knew it was wrong. And I thought that he understood. I thought that I made him understand that I wanted it, that I would say yes. But he hasn't said _anything_. No hints. No hiding any plans. Last night he took me out to dinner, and I thought...I thought maybe it was time, that he was going to ask. That's something he would do, right? He'd take me out to a restaurant and get down on one knee to embarrass me and say some stupid cheesy speech that sounds far too rehearsed."

"But he didn't."

She sniffed. "No. He was confused why I wanted to go home and change first. And then when we got there I found out that it was just to celebrate my bone harvest. And he promised to take me out somewhere special after the intern exam. But there was no mention of anything else. And he seriously sucks at keeping secrets." She drew a shaky breath as two more tears escaped from her eyes. "What if it was a one time offer? What if he doesn't want it anymore? I wanted to say yes, I did. But...what if I talked him out of marrying me?"

"But it was the wrong time," Cristina finished. "I get that. And he should get that. Seriously, I'm wishing I had told Burke to wait when he proposed. Maybe getting engaged after weeks of silence isn't such a good idea. I don't even know if I want to get married..."

"But I do. I want to marry him," she found herself whispering, almost as if saying it out loud would make it hurt more if she lost it. "I want to get married, but I don't know if he does anymore."

"Why don't you just ask?"

She closed her eyes. "Because I'm afraid of what he'll say."

"Meredith..."

"He was so messed up after the accident. And he had to take care of me. And the one thing he asked me to do for him, I said no to. Then, when I'm finally back to work and things are getting back to normal I drag him to dinner with Thatcher, even though his friend is in the hospital and almost died. And he had his interview yesterday and they questioned him about me. And I know I have him freaked out from last night." She sighed. "I'm being a terrible girlfriend, so why should he want me for a wife? What if I really did convince him not to ask?"

Cristina regarded her for a long moment. "The man loves you. It's pathetic, but it's true. And you know he's persistent. Remember how many times you said no to going out with him? I'm sure one no isn't going to stop him."

"But what if it does?"

"Did you get brain damage under water? You've turned into one of those girly girls that we don't like."

"I did not."

"We don't cry because our boyfriend's haven't proposed, Meredith. We don't cry ever."

"It's not about the proposal. I don't care about the how and the where and the words and all that crap. I just care that..."

"What?"

"I just want him to want to marry me. Things were so good before, but now..."

"It's only been a couple weeks. You're both still recovering. Give it some time."

"He was so certain. I'm just worried that he'll change his mind as time goes by. People do that; they change their mind about me."

Cristina scoffed. "This isn't about Derek. This is about your father."

"No, it isn't-"

"Yes, it is," she cut her off. "Your father is a jackass. End of story. It's his fault for having left you. And he doesn't deserve forgiveness. I thought we covered this the other night? Or did the alcohol make you forget?"

Meredith sighed. "He found it so easy to walk away from me; to replace me, even his memories of me. All the good ones he had he's now replaces me with Molly."

"And Derek's not anything like him."

"It's not just Thatcher. _Everyone _has changed their mind about me. My mother wanted me after the divorce for whatever reason, but she changed her mind right away. I wasn't worth staying around for."

Cristina furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?"

Meredith shook her head as she blinked away tears, forcing memories of her mother's suicide attempt out of her mind. "Never mind. The point is that neither of my parents wanted me after they knew me for a while. Along with every member of my family. And every other person I've ever met."

"What about me?"

"I've known you less than a year."

Cristina scoffed. "I hate most people, Mer. It would take too much effort to find another person. You're kind of stuck with me."

As much as she tried to laugh and make light of her best friend's comment, Meredith couldn't stop the tears that sprang to her eyes.

With a sigh, Cristina moved to sit beside her, their shoulders bumping together. "Seriously, Meredith, what's the matter with you?"

Meredith rested her head against Cristina's shoulder. "I died, Cris. I may have come back, but I still died. And things were supposed to be different. This was supposed to be my second chance...but I feel like I'm screwing everything up."

"It's only been a few weeks," Cristina reminded.

"And what have I done with it? I've let Susan drag me into some stupid relationship thing with Thatcher. Bailey is still sticking me on scut at every opportunity." She motioned to her pile of charts for effect. "And I've probably talked Derek out of wanting me."

"The last one is only a maybe," Cristina pointed out. "We don't know yet that it's probably."

Despite the dry tears on her cheeks, Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "Helpful, thanks."

"I do my best."

**

Derek was busily scrubbing out of his last surgery of the day when he was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that he was being watched. A quick turn of his head confirmed his suspicion. His girlfriend's best friend was standing on the other side of the door into the scrub room. He offered her a nod and polite smile, only to be left with...nothing. Cristina's face didn't even twitch.

He quickly finished rinsing and dried his hands.

"Dr. Yang," he greeted, as he stepped out of the scrub room. "Is there something I can do for you?"

She met his eyes evenly, searching for something for several seconds before speaking. "You love Meredith."

He wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement, but he responded anyway. "Yes."

"Do you still want to marry her?"

"Of course- What is this about?" He and Cristina rarely spoke, and she was suddenly questioning him about his intentions with her best friend. What was going on?

"See, this is exactly the problem. Men and their stupid issues. You people never even realize when you've screwed up."

"What exactly have I screwed up?"

Cristina continued to ignore him. "You live in your own little world and you don't realize what you do to us. Not everything is our fault!"

He held up a hand. "Cristina. I understand that you're finding it difficult with Marlow around. And trust me, I don't want him to stay any more than you do. But will you please tell me why you're yelling at me instead of Burke or Marlow?"

"You're screwing with Mer's head."

"What have I possibly done to-"

"She's thinks you don't want to marry her anymore."

Derek blinked. "What?" He shook his head. "What could possibly make her think I..." He trailed off as a wave of understanding washed over him. Everything made sense now; why she had wanted to dress up the night before, why she had been nervous. Why she had been disappointed. "Shit," he cursed. "I should have realized..."

"Yeah, you should have."

"I just thought we should celebrate her bone harvest. She's had so much stress lately; I wanted to give her some time to breathe."

"Everyone in her life so far has abandoned her. She has some stupid theory about how people change their minds about wanting her around."

Derek felt his heart clench. She had so much to offer, and yet so little confidence about it. "I never meant to give her that impression. Why wouldn't she just say something?"

"She's afraid to ask. I think having that dinner with her father screwed with her mind more than she realizes. The bastard doesn't deserve another chance."

Derek nodded. After their dinner together, he had wished Thatcher Grey had never re-entered Meredith's life. Meredith didn't deserve another reminder of her horrible childhood.

"And I told her I wouldn't say anything, but she's my person and you saved her life. So me telling you this makes us even."

"Where is she?" He demanded, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to find her.

"In the tunnels doing charts."

"Thank-you." He said, ending their conversation as he turned and headed for the stairs that would take him down to the basement.

_**AN: I would just like to take a moment to say I am NOT going in the direction the show went at this point. BUT Meredith does get hit with a number of things one after another, and she wouldn't be Meredith if these things had no effect on her at all. She almost lost her future, and after a delay (where she focussed more on Derek) things are hitting her harder. She's going to struggle on and off for the rest of this 'season' but I think you will all like where it takes her. (And Derek isn't going to hide away in the trailer when she needs him (and I'm referring to the season 3 hiding in the trailer, not the season 5 hiding...lol)) **_


	69. Chapter 69

Heavy footsteps echoed towards her down the basement hallway, and Meredith didn't have to look up to know who they belonged to. With a small inward sigh she blinked hard and tried to focus on the chart in her lap, delaying the point where she had to acknowledge her boyfriend's presence for as long as possible.

They were in a committed relationship; she knew that. He loved her; she knew that too. He had wanted to marry her as short a time as two weeks ago. But as much as she wanted to believe he still wanted her as much now as he had such a short time ago, she just wasn't sure. Maybe that had been her only chance at a future with the man she loved, and she had blown it by over thinking.

It was funny how things happened. In trying to swear off men she had met Derek. In trying to be independent she had found herself a family. In trying to make her mother proud she had found her calling. But now, in trying to stumble towards the future the 'right' way, she may have lost everything that mattered.

She had been stupid and careless. The patient had been close to the edge of the pier, and yet she hadn't slowed down enough to see how much danger she was putting herself in; hadn't stopped to realize that her actions no longer affected her life only. And while she fought successfully back to the land of the living, she hadn't done anything noteworthy in the past three weeks; other than turn down the love of her life, of course. As bad an idea as she knew having gotten married on a whim only a week after her accident would have been, Meredith couldn't help but wonder what it would be like now, to have been married for almost two weeks to the love of her life.

Maybe they would be happy. Maybe it would have stopped her from messing with his life.

He needed someone who could be there for him as much as he was there for her. He needed someone who didn't have long lost abandoning parents who showed up now and then and demanded awkward dinners. He deserved someone who wasn't prone to potentially life ending events. He deserved someone who knew how to swim, and how to say yes.

She had wanted so badly to say yes.

She still did.

Only now, she wondered if she would get the chance.

No one was perfect, she knew, but she was so far from it that people changed their minds about her. And if her parents, the people who were supposed to love her unconditionally for her whole life had known when she was just five years old that she wasn't worth their time, then how was she supposed to expect a man to love her forever?

The footsteps slowed as Derek crossed in front of her. There was a pause before the thin mattress of the gurney she was sitting on dipped beside her.

With a sigh, Meredith pasted a smile on her face and turned towards him. "Hey-" The look on his face cut her off before she could say any more.

Derek's eyes were deeper than she could remember seeing, his beautiful irises filled with concern and...love. Deep lines were etched along his forehead, adding to his look of concern. And the way his head cocked ever so slightly to the side made her heart clench. "Hey," he practically breathed in response, gently prying her chart from her fingers before turning his upper body towards her and wrapping her in his arms.

Meredith felt a breath of relief leave her lips as Derek's chin landed on her shoulder and his lips and nose pressed up against the side of her head. He wasn't going to make her talk yet. Leaning into his chest, she clutched at his strong arms and took all the comfort she could get from him.

After a long moment, he made a humming sound and kissed her behind her ear. "I love you," he then whispered. "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Surprised at his words, Meredith turned in his embrace, her eyes searching out his. He had an uncanny ability to read her mind, but even he wasn't _this _good. And the only person she had voiced her thoughts to was- "I'm going to kill Cristina."

Some of the concern in his eyes was replaced with humour as his lips curled into a grin. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're a horrible liar."

"Fine," he admitted. "Cristina may have said something."

She sighed, running a hand over her face. "Derek, just...forget whatever she said to you-"

His finger came down on her lips, silencing her. "I love you, Meredith, and I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. That hasn't changed." He paused. "That won't _ever_ change."

His eyes were filled with so much love and integrity, and his breath was warm against her face, and his arm was still wrapped so snugly around her waist, which was why Meredith couldn't help the relieved tears that welled in her eyes. "Derek..."

The hand against her lips move across her cheek to cup her face. "I won't ever change my mind about you," he reiterated. "You're it for me."

Meredith closed her eyes and wrapped her fingers around his wrist, pressing the warmth of his palm into her cheek.

Derek leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. "You can ask me anything, Mer, without ever being afraid of the answer, okay?"

She nodded as she took what felt like her first deep breath in days. "Okay."

"Okay," he echoed, pulling away far enough to peck her lips. "Now, according to Cristina, I screwed up last night."

"You didn't-"

He cut her off. "I never meant to make you think I wasn't going to propose. It's been on my mind every single day. But I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to give you some time this month. Last night I...I was trying to start getting things back to normal. I want everything to be perfect when I do propose."

"You've been thinking about it?"

He smiled. "Every day. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it yet, but I'm definitely going to be doing it."

She placed her hand against his chest, her fingers toying with the thin fabric of scrub shirt. "I don't need a proposal, Derek. It's the marriage I want. And about before-"

"I get it," he said quickly. "I was irrational. And we would have regretted getting married in Vegas."

She shook her head. "We would have regretted the way we did it, not that we did it. And I need you to know that I wanted to say yes."

"I know."

"Really?"

He nodded. "It was the right decision. I'm glad you could be the strong one that day."

Her heart tugged. He really did understand. And he really did still want to marry her. "Eloping to Vegas on a whim may be a little tacky, but it doesn't mean I need anything fancy," she told him. "The idea of a big wedding is...a little overwhelming. And eloping actually sounds good. So, seriously, Derek, I don't need a proposal."

His eyes narrowed ever so slightly as he contemplated her words for several seconds. "So, what you're saying is you'd be perfectly happy if we just agreed right here and now that we're engaged?"

Suddenly her heart was pounding in her chest. Her throat was dry. And she was pretty sure she was losing feeling in her fingers and toes. "I..." Was he serious? Was this it? "I think I'd be okay with that," she managed to squeak out.

He kissed her quickly, before pulling away and smirking. "I'm not letting you off that easy."

She blinked. _What?_ He was still smirking at her. _What had just happened?_ Her heart was still thudding. The blood rushing by her ears sounded like it was roaring. _What was going on?_ She sucked in a breath and remembered to say her questions out loud. "What?"

Derek smiled and kissed her again. "You're getting a proposal. We're not getting engaged wearing dirty scrubs in the basement."

Her heart stopped thudding so painfully against her ribs. Her hand reached out on its own volition and smack him. "You're an ass."

He laughed. "I already have tons of plans underway. I just can't decide on fireworks or a plane pulling a banner behind it for the actual question."

Now he was mocking her.

"Or!" He said excitedly. "We could go to a game and I could get them to write it on the jumbo-tron."

She pursed her lips. "You know how I promised to say yes when you did ask?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"If you do any of those things I won't be saying yes."

Derek laughed. "I guess I'll have to go for the sky writing..."

"Derek, I swear to god..."

This time he cut her off with his lips, crushing down on hers. And when he finally pulled away, he left her breathless and forgetting what she had been about to say.

"Nothing too big," he promised. "Just enough for us to remember. Something to tell the..."

She cocked her head. "Something to tell the kids about?"

"Something like that; though I think the term is 'something to tell the grandkids about.'"

"But having grandkids means you had to have kids first."

He smiled. "Something to tell the kids and the grandkids about."

"Without being embarrassing," she added.

He made a show of sighing heavily. "Fine, I'll call and cancel the sky writing."

She pecked him on the lips. "Thank-you."

"Now, can I make last night's dinner up to you by taking you to lunch?"

Meredith giggled. "You want to take me out to lunch in the cafeteria?"

He nodded and hopped off the gurney. "I'll buy you the most expensive item on the menu."

She snorted as she stood. "I guess that would mean something if the cafeteria actually had menus..."

"Okay, I'll get you the most expensive thing on the posters above the food."

"Great!" She said brightly. "I'm pretty sure the most expensive thing in the cafeteria is a whole pizza."

Derek grumbled as he took half of her charts in one arm threaded his fingers through her free hand.

Meredith squeezed his hand as he led them towards the elevators, her heart feeling lighter than it had in a week. He really wasn't changing his mind about her. "You really want forever with me?"

He turned his head and smiled at her. "I do."

She wasn't sure if his choice of words was deliberate or not, but the knowledge that she would one day in the not so distant future be hearing those words from him in a much more official situation made her heart melt.

**

Derek rolled his shoulders as he stared at the OR board, ridding his tight muscles of the tension from his last surgery. A trauma had come into the ER, and he had spent hours repairing bleeds. And right now, all he wanted to do was go home. It had been a long day. The previous day had been stressful, he had been up most of the night worrying about Meredith, he was still angry with the Chief, who was acting like nothing was wrong, and Cristina Yang had had to point out that Meredith's behaviour was due to him.

He had fixed things with Meredith. The exhaustion would be cured by getting a good night sleep with Meredith wrapped in his arms. He only wished his Chief of Surgery would act like he was aware of Derek's anger so that Derek could feel a little better about his grudge.

With a sigh, he let his shoulders sag. Most of the tension was gone. Now he just really wanted to go home. But he wasn't about to leave without his girlfriend.

But the big flaw in his plan was the fact that Bailey's name was still written on the OR board. And Meredith was working with her today. He glanced at his watch. They'd be another hour. At least.

He let out a frustrated groan, debating whether to hide away in his office or find himself a consult. Technically he was off, but working with patients meant the time would go faster. However, a consult could lead to surgery, which could lead to never being able to leave.

A throat cleared beside him, pulling him from his thoughts. He glanced to his side, only to groan again. "Great," he said sarcastically, "the second most person I don't want to see right now."

To his surprise, the plastic surgeon grinned.

"Second, huh? We're making progress."

Derek shook his head. "There is no progress. Just...go give someone a nose job or something."

Mark ignored his comment. "Only a few months ago, you were punching me every time you saw me, then you weren't speaking to me, and now there's someone in this hospital you don't want to see more than me. I would call that progress."

"One person, Mark. Only one person. And I only ever hit you once."

"So, who's this one person, and what did he do to piss you off? Sleep with Grey?"

Derek released a frustrated breath. "You know you have absolutely no tact, right?"

Mark furrowed his brow. "Wait; I wasn't right, was I? Because I really thought you two had something..."

"We do have something. And she would never... Why are we talking about this?"

Mark shrugged. "You brought it up."

"I did not."

"You did," Mark said again, "But let's not split hairs. What has this mystery person done to piss off my best friend so much?"

"You're not my best friend."

"More progress."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said I'm not your best friend. That denotes that I've made it back into the friend category."

Derek groaned. "You're reading way too much into things."

Mark's smile didn't falter. "Seriously, man, what's up? Who has pissed you off more than me lately?"

"The Chief."

"Ah, so the board questioned you about Grey?" Mark asked, and then off of Derek's look continued, "People talk around here. I listen. I think Burke was seeing red after his interview. And they questioned him about Yang and his tremor. So, unless you've done something else wrong, he got it worse than you."

"Me being with Meredith isn't wrong."

Mark held up his hands at Derek's tone. "I don't think it's wrong. In fact, I'm happy for you. I just meant in the eyes of the Chief."

"The Chief needs to get over himself."

"Very true. I don't think he even likes me, which is crazy because everyone likes me."

Derek couldn't help but crack a smile. "I don't like you."

"But you like me more than the Chief."

"Today."

"Still, progress." Mark paused. "So, how are you and Grey doing?"

Derek glared at him.

"I just mean since her accident. Is she okay?"

"Why does it matter to you?"

Mark shrugged. "Because you're my best friend, whether you'll accept it or not. And I know she just came back to work, and you barely came in when she was off. And that day was...hard."

"So, what you're asking is...?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I've seen you pretend to be fine before."

"I'm not pretending."

"Hmm," Mark turned back to the OR board.

Derek huffed. "I'm not. Things haven't exactly been easy, but we're getting through it."

Mark turned back to regard him for several seconds. "You know, I can't remember you ever saying 'we' when you were with Addison. Not like that."

"Addison and I were never like me and Mer."

"I'm happy for you."

Derek surveyed his former best friend for a long moment, surprised to find so little anger left towards the other man; surprised to find the urge to share something that once upon a time he wouldn't have hesitated with. Mark had been his best friend, his brother. And now the only person he was that close to was Meredith. But Mark had been there when Derek needed him. He had sat on the floor with Derek when Meredith was fighting for her life.

"I'm going to ask her to marry me," he said quietly, staring straight ahead at the OR board.

"That's great," Mark responded immediately, clapping Derek on the back. "We should go out and celebrate."

Derek smiled, but shook his head.

"I can be you friend, Derek. You can trust me."

"That's what I thought the first time."

"I made a mistake," Mark responded, with more integrity than Derek could remember hearing come from his mouth. "But she was never good for you. And you know that. You weren't happy. But you're happy now, with Meredith, who you wouldn't have met if I hadn't done what I did."

Derek sighed. It was something he struggled with all the time.

"How can you forgive Addison, but not me?"

He shook his head. "I don't know."

Mark scoffed. "You owe me more than that."

"I don't owe you anything."

"Why don't you hate her too? Why isn't she on your list of people you most don't want to see?"

"Probably because you hurt me more than she did," Derek finally whispered. This was new for him. Meredith had taught him it was okay to be vulnerable, and now he was going to try it with someone else. "Our marriage was a sham at that point. But _our_ friendship," he said pointedly, looking at Mark, "was just fine. You were like my brother."

"I fucked up," Mark agreed. "But I thought I loved her. I...I still think I love her. But you're still a brother to me. And you can trust me. It won't happen again. I won't go anywhere near Meredith."

Derek nodded. "I need time to decide if I'm going to believe that."

_**AN: So, last year, when I was mapping out this part of the story, the plan was for Addison to not move to LA, and to give her and Mark a chance. Now I'm not so sure. I'm enjoying the Mark-Derek friendship without Addison's influence. But if I do have Addison leave, the question is what to do with Mark. I'm undecided about him and Lexie. And I wouldn't put him with Callie for good because I LOVE seeing Mark have a female best friend. Opinions? Ideas? Please!**_


	70. Chapter 70

_**AN: I don't even know what to say to excuse my delays in getting this chapter up. I'm sorry. I've been super sick, for so long, and am just finding the energy to not just work and sleep in the last week. As long as I keep recovering and don't fall back into a massive chest infection again, I will get back on track with my updating, for this and my other stories.**_

Meredith groaned and buried her face in her pillow, trying to ignore the sounds of someone knocking at her door. Derek's arm tightened around her waist as he too groaned at the unwelcome intrusion.

Meredith wasn't scheduled to be at work until late morning, and she had planned on taking full advantage of the rare opportunity to sleep in with her boyfriend. After everything they had been through recently, she felt they deserved a morning away from the world around them; only the world around them didn't seem to share in the sentiment.

The intruder knocked again, and Meredith sighed, hoping whoever it was would just disappear.

Derek made a grumbling noise and buried his face into the back of her head. "Make it stop."

She couldn't help but giggle at his morning grumpiness. He was usually such an annoyingly upbeat morning person, but he had to wake up on his own terms. It was always amusing for her when he was like this. "I'm trying."

He grumbled again. "You're not doing anything."

Meredith rolled towards him so she was on her back, the arm that had been wrapped over her side now slung across her stomach. "I'm wiling it to stop."

Without opening his eyes, Derek closed his arm around her and pulled her in close, his chin finding purchase above her shoulder as he pressed his face into the side of her head.

The knock echoed through the room again.

"You're obviously not good at willing things away," he mumbled.

"Maybe its Cristina," she whispered. "It'll save me killing her at work."

"Why are you killing her again?" He mumbled through a yawn.

"Because she told on me."

"Mmm," he mumbled into the side of her head, a noise she took to be an acknowledgment on his part that he remembered Cristina going to him the previous day after Meredith has spilled her secret fears to her best friend.

Meredith closed her eyes, hoping that whichever friend was at the door had taken the hint. If it was Cristina, she could kill her later at work. Though, if she were honest with herself, she would admit that she was grateful Cristina had gone to Derek. Meredith's emotions had been all over the place for the past three weeks; ever since she had woken up in pain on the hard gurney in the ER, with Derek's worried face hovering over her. Despite the fact that he had continued to be right there beside her after she had talked him out of proposing, there had been a slight – almost unconscious – worry in the back of her mind that he would change his mind. And after she had gotten her hopes up two days prior, only to be crushed to discover that proposing wasn't anywhere on the agenda for the night, she had allowed the uncertainty and fear in. Three decades of disappointment had made very efficient pathways in her brain, allowing the chest crushing doubt to enter and find a home before she had even realized what had happened.

And she had been too afraid to bring it up, scared that Derek's beautiful blue eyes would flicker away from hers, and that he would sigh and shake his head and admit that he had changed his mind about her; about them. About the forever she so desperately wanted.

But Cristina had been able to be far more objective that her person, and she had gone to Derek.

And Derek had been perfect. His eyes had met hers so evenly that she couldn't not trust every word that came out of his mouth. And he had smiled in that way that made it seem like everything was going to be okay. And he had been able to joke about the whole thing, to mock her with over-the-top ideas like sky writing that he knew she'd hate.

He had pushed all of her doubts away with ease. He knew her.

She didn't need a big proposal. She didn't need a fancy wedding.

But she did need Derek. And she needed him to want her.

That was all she needed.

With an exhale that hummed into her ear, Derek fell back into sleep beside her, his arm still holding her close to him, still needing her. And it was everything Meredith needed to know. She closed her eyes and sighed as she drifted towards sleep-

Until the person on the other side of her door – who was about to get forcibly evicted from her house – knocked again.

"That's it," Meredith hissed, leaping out of bed. Derek awoke with a start as his arm and head suddenly lost their support.

"What?!" Meredith demanded as she flung open the door between knocks two and three.

Izzy stood wide eyed in surprise in the hallway, her fist stilled in motion half-way to the door. "Meredith," she stammered, her fist opening as her hand turned and landed on her chest. "You scared the crap out of me."

Meredith had never wanted to strangle her roommate more. "Then you shouldn't have been

knocking on my freaking door. We're trying to sleep.

Izzy dropped her hand, but made no move to apologize. "Yeah, I wasn't sure if I should wake you, but-"

"Then you shouldn't have," Meredith cut her off. "Seriously, Iz, I'm exhausted. And I have exactly two and a half hours left until I have to get up for work. Can you tell me why I'm awake?"

Izzy made an apologetic face. "Susan's here."

Meredith blinked. "Who?"

"Susan. Your stepmother? Married to your father? Remember her?"

Meredith groaned and collapsed against the doorframe. "Why is she here?"

"She brought groceries."

She sighed and ran a hand over her face. "Look...can you just ask her to come back another time? Or to call, or something?"

Izzy made a face and avoided Meredith's eyes.

"What?"

Izzy sighed. "I kind of already let her in. She's in the kitchen and I didn't think you'd want me going to work and leaving her here without telling you."

"Why did you let her in?" Meredith hissed.

Izzy shook her head and held up her hands. "She's like impossible to say no to, Meredith. Seriously. I tried. She wouldn't leave. What was I supposed to do? Close the door in her face?"

Meredith covered her face with her hands and groaned. She couldn't blame her roommate; Susan had convinced Meredith into dinner with her father not so long ago.

Izzy reached out a hand to squeeze Meredith's forearm in support. "I'm sorry," she said honestly, "But I have to go or I'm going to be late for work..."

"Just go," Meredith said, waving a hand as she glared at her roommate. "Just go and leave me here all alone with that thing in my kitchen."

Izzy laughed. "She's actually really nice."

Meredith nodded. "I know. That's the problem."

After shutting the door, Meredith turned and couldn't help but smile at the sight. Derek had rolled onto his back, pulling her pillow with him so it was resting over his face. With a sigh, she padded across the room and collapsed onto the bed, dragging herself over to him and resting her upper body on his chest. The hand that wasn't pressing the pillow into his face found her lower back.

"Susan is here," she whispered.

"I heard."

"Why is she here?"

"The only way to find out is to go downstairs and face her."

Meredith groaned. "I hate you."

He chuckled, his chest vibrating underneath her, causing her to giggle. "You love me."

"I both love and hate you right now," she clarified.

"And you're on top of me," he pointed out.

"Only because you stole my pillow."

He snorted and then dropped the pillow onto her head.

"Hey!" She exclaimed, pushing herself up, but before she could say another word she took the pillow to the face.

"Derek!" She cried, rolling away from him and reaching in vain for her own ammo.

He chuckled and rolled with her, coming to rest over top of her, his dark blue eyes shining with mischief.

Meredith mock glared up at him. "Now you're on top of me."

He raised an eyebrow before dipping his head and kissing her.

She moaned into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, his way of saying good morning.

When he finally pulled away, she was left breathless and wanting. "You're still on top of me," she whispered.

He smiled and pecked her lips before shifting his weight beside her.

Meredith groaned and pulled at the thin fabric covering his chest. "We could just stay up here and do this."

"While Susan is downstairs?"

She nodded. "She can wait. Hell, maybe she'll disappear."

"Hmm," he mumbled, as if considering, "What if she comes upstairs?"

"We'll make sure the door is locked."

"She'll still be knocking and calling for you. Are we just going to ignore her?"

"Yes. We'll just pretend to be sleeping."

He smirked. "What if you can't be quiet?"

She glared at him. "Then that will be your fault."

He continued to smirk, "Hey, if you want me to stop doing the things I do, just say the words..."

She huffed. "You know, I really do hate you."

He pecked her lips again. "I know," he said good naturedly. "But keep in mind that if you go downstairs and talk to Susan now, there will be time for me to do the things I do before we have to go to work."

Meredith sighed and rolled out of bed with an exasperated, "Fine."

Derek smiled and propped his head up on his hand as he watched Meredith stumbled across the bedroom in search of something to change into.

After a moment, she turned back to him. "You are going to come down with me, right?"

He cocked his head at her. "Do you need me to be your security blanket this morning?"

"Yes. And I need you to not let me get talked into another stupid dinner."

"Hmm," he mumbled, pretending to contemplate her demands. "And what do I get in exchange for this feat of mine?"

Meredith had to fight not to roll her eyes. "What do you want?"

His eyes sparkled. "There are so many choices..."

This time she did roll her eyes. "Seriously, Derek, do you ever think of anything that isn't dirty?"

He shook his head and smirked.

She couldn't help but smile at his playful expression. "Fine, whatever you want. Carte blanche. Just get dressed and come down with me."

Derek easily rolled out of bed and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Deal."

Meredith pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeved tee as she watched Derek pull on the jeans he had worn home the previous day and attach his pager.

"Good idea," she mumbled, grabbing her own pager off the bedside table. "Maybe Izzy will take pity on me and page me to get out of this."

"Would you girls really do that?"

Meredith shrugged. "Cristina definitely would. I'm not so sure about Izzy."

Derek chuckled as he pulled a sweated over his tee shirt. "Let's get down there before she opens the cookie jar."

Meredith groaned. "That's so not something I want to explain."

They made their way down the stairs together and Meredith took a breath before marching through the kitchen door, confident that Derek would follow her.

"Uh, hi," she spoke softly, taking in the sight before her. Susan was standing centre stage in the kitchen, grocery bags of varying fullness surrounding her on the counters, floors and table.

"Good morning, Meredith," Susan said cheerfully, her eyes flickering from Meredith's long enough to smile a greeting to Derek. "I was up early and thought you could use some things. I know how busy you kids are at the hospital all the time."

Meredith took and breath as she sank into one of the kitchen chairs. "You, uh, brought groceries last week." The comment came out a little more accusatory than she meant.

There was a moment of awkwardness as Susan stared uncertainly at Meredith and Meredith stared back, just as uncertain. It was times like these that Meredith wished she had never set foot on her father's front step so many months ago. Maybe then Thatcher would never have known she was back in Seattle. Maybe then she wouldn't be stuck in this strange world she found herself in; the world where a family she didn't know if she could trust came at her at different times and with different intensities to get to know her. After a lifetime of taking care of herself and not relying on or trusting anyone more than she absolutely had to, Meredith felt like she was loosing her footing. And only her newfound family of Derek and her friends were keeping her upright.

Derek's hand landed on her shoulder in a move that was meant to appear light and easy to Susan, but which Meredith knew was meant to show her support; to remind her that he was there and Susan was okay. "You have to get groceries every week, if you want more," he responded to Meredith's comment.

Susan laughed and Meredith cracked a smile; she was always surprised at how easily Derek could suck the stress out of an awkward moment. His comments and jokes may be corny, but they were effective. And he could always calm her down.

Always.

"Are you kids not working this morning?"

"We get to go in a little later this morning," Meredith responded, much less tension in her voice now.

"That's nice."

"Yeah. It's amazing how quickly you get used to going in before dark."

"And leaving after dark," Derek finished as he puttered around the kitchen preparing coffee as he avoided the vast amount of groceries. "Susan, coffee?"

"Sure."

"How do you take it," Derek asked as he fished three mugs out of the cupboard.

"A little milk and two little bits of sugar. It's my weakness. I used to be more conscious of what I ate, but then you reach a certain age and it just stops mattering."

"Tell that to Derek," Meredith responded. "He's a health nut. No fun food at all."

Derek rolled his eyes. "That's not true."

Meredith scoffed. "It so is." She turned back to Susan. "You wouldn't believe the amount of tasteless food he makes me eat."

"It's not tasteless," Derek retorted. "And the amount of healthy food you eat is far less than the amount that a normal person eats."

Meredith narrowed her eyes. "Are you saying I'm not normal?"

Derek chuckled as he placed a mug on the counter in front of Susan and headed to the kitchen table with two black coffees. "That's exactly what I'm saying," he said with a smirk.

Meredith huffed as she slid her offered coffee mug close and tried to ignore her boyfriend.

Susan smiled warmly at them. "Well, Meredith, you'll be happy to know I brought you plenty of good tasting food."

"Thank you," she said with a triumphant smile sent Derek's way.

Pretending he didn't notice the look, Derek sat back in his chair. "So, Susan, what had you up shopping so early this morning?"

She shrugged. "It's the best time to shop. Everything is fresh at the grocery stores. And I've always been a morning person, so I like to get my errands out of the way early."

Derek nodded. "Sounds like a good plan."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "How can you two actually like getting up in the morning? Seriously."

Susan smiled softly at her. "I take it you're not a morning person. You get that from your father."

Meredith sucked in a breath at Susan's comment, but realized it wasn't as awkward as she had expected. She released her breath with a, "huh," not really sure what to say in response, but also not feeling the immediate need to be defensive, as she felt so normally where her father was involved.

Derek chortled. "Saying she's not a morning person is an understatement."

She swiped a hand at him, catching him unprotected across his stomach. "Hey! You're supposed to be on my side."

With an 'oompf,' Derek sat forward, blocking her from further attacks. "I'm with Susan on this. Us morning people need to stick together."

Meredith rolled her eyes, and was set to retort, only to be cut off by the sounds of a pager going off. On instinct alone, both her and Derek's hands reached to their respective waists.

"It's mine," Derek murmured, holding his pager up to inspect the small scroll traveling across the screen. "Damnit. It's a nine-one-one." He glanced at Meredith apologetically. "I have to go."

She nodded. "One of your patients?"

He shook his head and stood. "An accident," he responded, sending her an apologetic look.

"Good luck," she said softly, her way of letting him know it was okay.

Derek glanced towards Susan. "It's nice to see you again, Susan. I'm sure we'll be seeing you again."

"Nice to see you too, Derek."

He swooped down and pressed his lips against the side of Meredith's head. "See you at work."

Meredith craned her head and tracked him with her eyes as he hurried out of the kitchen. When she turned back, Susan was smiling at her. "What a life you two lead. Running off at the sound of a beep."

Meredith shrugged. "Hospital owns us, I guess."

Picking up her coffee, Susan ventured over to the table and sat across from her sort-of-step-daughter. "It's too bad there's no way around that; to be able to save lives on your own schedule."

Meredith smiled. "It's a nice thought. I guess that's what leads surgeons into private practices. Well, that and the money."

"Is that something you're hoping to do? After your residency?"

"Probably not. Derek spent a few years in a private practice, and he hated it. There isn't a lot of variation, and I guess a lot of the patients are snobby rich people."

Susan laughed, setting her mug on the table and seeming to relax in her position of now sitting with Meredith.

Meredith found herself smiling, wanting Susan at ease. This...wasn't quite as hard as she had thought it would be.

"It sounds like you'll be at the mercy of your pager forever."

It was Meredith's turn to laugh. "Yeah...I guess that's not something to look forward to, but we'll make do." She shrugged.

Susan tilted her head ever so slightly, regarding Meredith carefully.

Meredith furrowed her brow. "What?"

"I just...Is that your plan?"

"To live at my pager's mercy forever?"

"No; I mean Derek. You said 'we.'"

Realization hit. "Oh," Meredith stammered. This was new territory for her. She had never had a maternal figure to talk to about boys. She knew a lot of girls talked like this with their mothers, but was it normal to talk about your live-in-boyfriend-maybe-probably-soon-to-be-fiancé-person with your estranged father's wife? "I, uh...yeah. I said we," she finally settled on a safe statement; agreeing to Susan's statement.

Susan pursed her lips for a moment, giving Meredith just enough time to panic. Her mother had questioned her about Derek, and it had ended badly, so Meredith did what she did best when she didn't know the right thing to say; she said everything. "I mean, we're both doctors, so yeah, there's the pager. And there's really no getting away from the pager, because, hello, we're doctors, but I just said that... And we're going to be doctors, together, for...well, forever, but we're good...as doctors, and together. We can do both. It's not going to be easy, but we know that, and we're going to be fine. Really fine, like good, not just fine, because fine has to come to have a negative connotation, and maybe I need to take some blame in that, but really, it has done me well in the past, because it can have so many levels depending on how you use it, and just because I over used it just a bit doesn't mean..." she stuttered to a halt. "I'm a little off my point, which was-"

"That you did in fact say 'we,'" Susan supplied, her eyebrow raised in amusement.

Meredith nodded. "I did. I'm sorry. I ramble."

"It's okay. I'm used to it. Both of my girls ramble, too."

"Oh, that's...I don't really know what that is..."

"It's okay," Susan repeated. "You don't always have to have an answer, Meredith. And if you're uncomfortable talking about Derek, we can talk about something else."

"No, it's okay. Really. I'm just..." She sighed and surveyed the older woman curiously for a long moment. Susan had not snapped at her once. There was no judgement in her eyes. She truly seemed genuinely interested. Maybe Meredith could let her in a little... "I don't really know how to talk...about things. No one has ever wanted to listen before, except my mother, and she wasn't exactly...accepting. If she didn't hear exactly what she wanted to hear...well, let's just say, she got disappointed a lot."

Susan smiled warmly at her. "I don't have any expectations, Meredith. I just want to get to know you, to know something about what your life is like." She took a moment to take a breath before continuing. "I feel responsible sometimes, for what happened between you and your father. I knew about you. And I should have pushed him to be more involved in your life." She sighed heavily. "But we fell in love so quickly, and we got married and it was new, and that's what mattered to me at the time." Susan shook her head and avoided Meredith's eyes, almost as if she were ashamed.

"We were the adults, Meredith. You were only a child. There was nothing you could have done. But I should have done something. I should have pushed him. But I didn't. And the years went by, and I started telling myself too much time had passed." She finally found the strength to meet Meredith's gaze again. "It's unacceptable, what I did. And I know I don't have a right to ask you for anything, Meredith, but I want to be a part of your life. I hope you'll come to realize that all I want is to know you. There's no judgement here."

Meredith slowly inhaled. And slowly exhaled. And then she nodded. "Okay."

Susan's eyes widened, before narrowing quickly. "Okay?"

Meredith shrugged. "Yeah. Okay. We can do this, have the step-whatever relationship thing."

"We can?" There was a hint of dampness in Susan's eyes.

"We can. Slowly. You've been doing the mother thing for a long time, but I don't really know what I'm doing on the...daughter front. This is all new to me, to have someone be interested."

Susan reached across the table, seeking Meredith's hand. "Thank-you, Meredith."

With only slight hesitation, Meredith reached forward too. And smiled. Maybe she could do the family thing.


	71. Chapter 71

Meredith suppressed a yawn as she pushed open the door that would take her back out onto the surgical floor from the stairs. Her morning had been busy, forcing her to ignore the fact that she had two and a half hours less sleep than she had expected. After Derek had been paged into the hospital early, Meredith had sat with Susan in the kitchen until she had suddenly noticed the time on the stove and had had to rush to get to work on time.

But despite the awkward beginning and the rush at the end, the middle had gone surprisingly well. Meredith was glad Susan had chosen that morning to show up unannounced. She was really nice, and seemed genuine; like maybe Meredith really could let her in. Not everyone left. It was a mantra she had to repeat in her head once in a while. _Not everyone left. Not everyone left. Not everyone left._

Some days were better than others. Some people had more of her trust than others. And some of the people around her would leave, she knew. But the people who were the most important to her, the people she had let in the most, would not leave.

A second later a smile came unbidden to her lips as the biggest reminder of people she had let in – and who would not leave her – came into view.

"Hey," Derek greeted warmly, his tired eyes lighting up at the sight of her. He came to a stop, offering her a smile, and she did the same.

"Hey," she responded easily.

He tilted his head ever so slightly to the side and reached a hand out towards her, his thumb and forefinger brushing against her forearm. "How was the rest of your morning?"

She smiled at his concern. "It was good."

He raised an eyebrow and she laughed.

"Really," she insisted. "We talked. A lot. And it was...okay."

The corners of his lips twitched upwards. "Hmm, maybe it was a good thing I was paged."

She shrugged. "I guess. Just make sure it never happens when my father is around, because that I am not ready for."

This time he really did smile.

"What happened with your patient?"

"You mean patient_s_," he corrected. "I've been in surgery all morning."

Meredith made a face. "Successfully, I hope."

He nodded. "Two will pull through for sure. One...well, I've got my fingers crossed. It's bad, but he's a fighter."

"Good."

"Yeah." He nodded again. "So, what did you and Susan talk about?"

"Stuff."

"Stuff? Could you be a little more specific?"

She laughed. "Well, after we got over the whole awkward 'what-the-hell-do-I-do-now-that-Derek-has-abandoned-me' part, it was okay."

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't abandon you."

Meredith laughed at his tone. "Anyway, it was awkward at first, but we managed to talk a bit about the past, and...and I think there's hope for us. She's really nice. And I think that we could maybe do this semi-related step thing."

Derek furrowed his brow and reached his hand out towards Meredith's forehead. "Are you feeling okay?"

She swatted at his hand. "Don't make fun of me! I know I don't sound like me, but I'm serious."

Glancing around quickly to ensure they had some privacy, Derek leaned forward and pressed his lips lightly against hers. "I'm glad. You deserve good people, Meredith."

"I think...I think she may actually kind of like me," Meredith found herself admitting quietly. "At first I thought it was her just feeling guilty for not knowing her husband's daughter, but now...we talked for more than two hours, Derek. I was almost late for work because we lost track of time."

"Well, of course she likes you," he murmured, leaning in for another kiss. "How could she not like you?"

Meredith smiled up at Derek's warm eyes, warmed by the knowledge that he really was flummoxed as to how someone could feel so ambivalent towards her. "People who like me, who actually want to be around me, are more the exception than the rule," she reminded.

He scoffed and shook his head. "Is it okay that I still hate your father for leaving you?"

"I do too," she admitted. "But now...I'm starting to wonder what it would be like to have parental-type people in my life? Susan's really great, so there has to be some good in him for her to love him, right?"

He nodded. "Sure."

"I guess I just wonder what it would be like. I'm not exactly ready to jump into weekly family dinners or whatever, but maybe I can get to know Susan and then slowly start to bridge in Thatcher as well."

Derek smiled.

"What?"

He shrugged. "Susan really got to you, didn't she?"

Meredith let herself smile. "I guess she did."

"And she likes you."

Despite her best efforts, Meredith felt her eyes flicker away from Derek's gaze ever so slightly. "I think so."

He sighed softly and pulled her into a hug, unable to be any distance away from her when she showed such vulnerability. "I like her, too."

Meredith hugged him back tightly, comforted by his warm body against hers. She gripped her fingers around the worn fabric of his scrub top for a long moment, and then released him. "She likes you, too," she admitted when she could meet Derek's eyes again.

The quirky, cocky smile she was so used to made an entrance. "Really?"

She nodded. "Mmm-hmm, said she thought you were charming. But I set her straight; told her it was all an act."

He made a noise in the back of her throat, but otherwise didn't take her bait.

"I also told her she could stop pretending to laugh at your jokes."

This time he glared at her. "I was worried about you all morning, and this is what I get for my trouble?"

"For your trouble? How would worrying about me actually do anything to help me?"

"I don't know, but it's not like I could help it."

Meredith giggled. "It's sweet that you were worried, but I was okay."

"You didn't actually talk about me, right?"

This time she shrugged. "Apparently it's what you talk about with your estranged father's wife."

"What; not-so-charming neurosurgeons whose jokes aren't funny?" He deadpanned.

Meredith laughed out loud before she could help it. Her hand came up to her mouth, but not in time to prevent a pair of nurses walking by to send worrying glances her way. "Thanks for that," she hissed at Derek. "Like people around here don't already think I'm crazy enough..."

He shrugged as he bit back a smile. "You were the one who was talking about me."

"I told you, that's apparently what you talk about. Boys."

He pursed his lips. "Interesting. I guess that's why I was excluded from so many conversations growing up..."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, ignoring the dozen comments that sprang to her mind at his statement. "She said she likes you," Meredith admitted. "So, I guess that's good. Not that it would make a difference if she didn't. But it makes it easier to plan that she's going to be around in the future knowing that she likes you, because you're going to be around."

"I am." He smirked. "What else did she say about me?"

"You're pathetic."

"You love me."

"She said you seemed good for me. I, uh, I said 'we' and she asked about it, and I wasn't exactly sure what to say, but I'm pretty sure she understands that we're going to be a we forever."

Derek's lips flattened as his eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to translate that for me."

Meredith laughed. "I said some random thing about the future, and you and me. You know, _we_. She asked me if that was my plan. And I..."

"Rambled?"

She glared at him. "See, now there's absolutely no reason why you should think that."

"So, you're telling me you didn't ramble an answer that she probably didn't understand at all?"

"She understood fine."

"Really, because it took me months to start to decode the rambling..."

"Shut up."

"I always did think it was adorable, though, even when I only caught every other word."

"Fine; I rambled a little. And avoided the answer, because I really didn't know what to say. I mean, we did end up talking about you a bit. And I did tell her that I was planning on there being a 'we' forever. But..."

"But you didn't tell her we were planning on getting married?"

His eyes were calm and blue, so she knew he wasn't upset. "Well, it's not like you proposed or anything..."

He laughed, before retorting, "my sky-writing pilot bailed on me. Something about too many loops in your name. I'm looking for another one."

She giggled. "I will seriously kill you, you know?"

"Yeah, but it would be worth the look on your face."

Meredith shook her head. "Anyway, I wasn't sure how much to tell her."

"Just as much as you want her to know."

"Yeah, I get that, but I'm not really sure how much I want her to know. I mean, she's really nice, but I'm sure she's telling Thatcher stuff. And I...I kind of like having a secret with you. Well, with you and Cristina, seeing as she took it upon herself to butt in."

The corner of his mouth quirked upwards to form a smile. "I seem to recall that you chose to confide in her instead of me..."

"That's because I was freaking out thinking you didn't want me, and she caught me at a weak moment."

"First of all, that doesn't make it Cristina's fault. And second – and most important – I will always want you."

The burst of happy tingles in her stomach at his comment made her smile. "Cristina made it her fault when she went to you." She paused. "And second; I love you."

He pecked her on the lips. "I love you too. And as much as I love talking to you, I need to go and check on my patients and grab something for lunch, and then be in surgery is less than an hour."

"I should get going too."

"Did you want to grab lunch with me? It'll be rushed, but we may be able to sit for a minute."

"I'd love to, but I think I have to have an intervention with Cristina."

"You're not seriously angry at her, right?"

"Oh, this has nothing to do with that."

"Then, what?"

"She's wearing nail polish."

Derek opened his mouth, as if to say something, but no words came out. However, his expression told her enough. He had no idea how nail polish required an intervention.

"_Nail polish_, Derek. It's Cristina. And every one of her freaking fingers are painted a different colour. And she's using chess analogies that I don't understand because I'm not a geek. She's going over the edge. Burke and cardio god are making her crazy."

His expression still told her he was lost, but he smiled and shrugged anyway. "Well, good luck with that..."

She smiled. "Thanks. I'll need it."

**

"So?"

Derek sighed and shook his head. "So, what?" It had become a daily occurrence. Derek would think he was alone, only to be accosted by his former best friend at the OR board. It had been six days since he had admitted to Mark that he was planning on proposing. And he had been cornered at the OR board six times.

"So, have you asked her yet?"

"I'm not talking to you about this."

"You will eventually."

"Nope."

"You know, technically you already are talking about it with me."

"No, I'm not."

"You are," Mark insisted. "We're talking. And the subject is that intern of yours..."

Derek clenched his jaw and stayed silent.

"Oh," Mark said quietly. "I get it. She said no. I'm sorry, man."

"She didn't say no," Derek retorted before he could help it.

"So you didn't ask yet."

Derek exhaled heavily. As much as he hated to admit it, Mark knew him too well for Derek to be able to evade his questions.

"I didn't think so," Mark continued, not needing actual words to get his answer. "You need to over think everything."

"There's nothing to think about."

"Do you think she's going to say no?"

"She's not going to say no."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"Nothing. I just want everything to be special. _She _deserves it to be special."

Mark scoffed. "Did you learn nothing from me? Chicks only need three things for romance; flowers, jewellery and whipped cream."

This time Derek groaned. "I am not having this conversation with you."

"And yet you're still talking to me."

"Against my better judgment."

"Come on," Mark pushed. "If there's one thing I know; it's how to make women happy."

Derek scoffed. "How can you stand here and say that? You've pissed off more women than I think I've ever met."

"That says more about you than me," Mark shot back, unhindered.

Derek rolled his eyes.

"And it's not my fault the ladies get upset after we've done the horizontal salsa and they want more."

"Mambo."

"What?"

"It's the horizontal _mambo_." Derek paused. "And you're an idiot."

"I'm not the one with a ring burning a hole in my pocket."

"It's not in my pocket."

"You don't even have it on you?" Mark shook his head. "How do you ever expect to work up the nerve to ask if you don't have it on you?"

"It's not about nerve."

"Right; it's about 'making it special.'" Mark did a horrible job disguising the semi-disgusted expression on his face as he held his fingers up to make air quotes.

"You don't get it. I love her, Mark. She's it for me. So, I need to start things off right."

"I'm not exactly the relationship expert," Mark said, smiling wryly and ignoring the way Derek shook his head, "But I'm pretty sure the proposal isn't the starting point. You have to start before that to get her to say yes."

Derek almost laughed at the words leaving his former best friend's mouth. "That's not exactly what I meant," he mumbled, wishing he had someone who understood; wishing he had his best friend back. Mark hadn't always been able to understand the way Derek viewed love and relationships, but he had tried. And he had always been able to offer Derek something. He sighed, trying to find some way of explaining to the plastic surgeon just exactly what he was feeling. It had never been this hard before. They had grown up together. They had been brothers. "She's never had anyone she can count on," he said quietly. "She's never had anyone make her feel special. This is my chance to..."

"Make her feel special? Derek, the girl lights up when you're around. She'd say yes to anything."

He sighed. "But that's not the point. I want something we're both going to remember."

Mark waved a hand, as if emphasizing how easy this should be. "This is what you do. Get as many flowers as you can. Put some in vases and crap around her bedroom. Pull the petals off the others and trail them from the front door to the bed. Light some scented candles. Put the ring in the centre of the bed and-"

Derek held up a hand. "Is all you know stereotypes?"

"Stereotypes became stereotypes for a reason."

"Whatever," Derek muttered, knowing it wasn't worth arguing. Mark probably had a thousand examples to back up his side. "The point is that Meredith isn't the stereotype. She doesn't want that. She doesn't do big and flashy."

Mark sighed heavily, as if thinking about a different type of woman than he was used to was a challenge. "What does she do?"

"Low key. Memorable. Something that will remind her of where we started, and how far we've come and-"

They were cut off by the sounds of a pager.

Mark looked relieved when it was his pager demanding attention. "My OR is free." He glanced back at Derek with a shrug. "Stop over thinking. If she says yes, it will be memorable."

Derek huffed. "She's going to say yes."

"Then it will be memorable," Mark countered without hesitation. "Just...go with your gut." And with that, the plastic surgeon was gone.

Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe he was over thinking. But this was important. Mark was right about one thing; it would be memorable regardless of the how and the where. But picking one seemed ominous.

Ferry boats were cliché, and he still got a bitter taste in his mouth when he thought of them. Restaurants were also cliché, and too public. You couldn't have a private moment when fifty people were staring at you because you were down on one knee. Plus, Meredith wouldn't want the attention. He needed somewhere they could fly under the radar. But also somewhere that would mean something.

He had to muffle his laugh at the thought of proposing in an OR. It would definitely be memorable, but would maybe bridge the gap between work and home a little too much. It had to be away from the hospital.

With a sigh, Derek headed for his office, deciding the paperwork he had been delaying should be looked at. However, once he sat down at his desk, all he could look at was the framed picture of him and Meredith sitting on his desk, and all he could think about was the lavender-purple velvet box sitting in the back of his middle drawer.

The fact that she was still his girlfriend bothered him. The term seemed petty and small; nothing compared to how he felt about her. He wanted desperately to be able to call her his wife, but would settle for fiancée for a little while. It, at the very least, denoted some sense of permanence.

He wasn't the only one getting anxious. After Meredith's fears had been brought to light and discussed, her expression had changed from uncertainty to curiosity and anticipation. She too was ready for their terms to change.

Shaking his head in an – unsuccessful – attempt to clear his head, Derek reached for the top folder on his desk, and set to writing his notes. He got exactly one quarter of the way down the first form before he couldn't help but push his chair back and reach for the second brass handle to his right.

The small purple box was just where he had left it, and the right was just as perfect as it had been the last time he had stared at it. He did that a lot now; he stared at the ring, as if staring at it long enough would teleport it onto his girlfriend's hand. Only she wouldn't be his girlfriend anymore.

He hadn't been looking for an engagement ring when he had found it. Meredith had been working a thirty hour shift and Derek had been off. Christmas had been right around the corner, and he had found himself out looking for gifts. A kitchen gadget store had caught his eye, so he had parked and gone in looking for something for his sister. Meg loved to cook. Twenty minutes later he came out with a small bag in his hand, and a sign had caught his eye three storefronts down.

With very little hesitation, Derek had wandered down to the small jewellery store, curiosity getting the better of him. Meredith didn't wear jewellery, but maybe he could find her something inconspicuous. The older couple who owned the shop greeted him warmly and Derek browsed over the smaller earnings and charms. Nothing said _Meredith_ to him, until his eyes caught on the ring. A hint of purple buried in sparkles, tucked near the back of the display, overshadowed by big, flashy rocks.

Derek smiled as he remembered the overwhelming need to buy the ring. Back then it had only been months that he and Meredith had been together. But it had been enough for him. He had _known_ at that point that a day less than forever would not be enough.

He hadn't gone into the store thinking of engagement rings, but he had come out with one in his pocket. When you knew, you knew. He knew Meredith was the one for him. And he knew the ring was the one for Meredith. He hadn't even seen the other rings; hadn't had any problems running his eyes past them without a second glance. The moment he had laid eyes on it, he had known. It had been unplanned and unexpected, but everything he needed.

Just like Meredith.

His breath caught as he stared at the ring and imagined Meredith's face when she said yes. Mark was right about one thing; he would need to ask for her to be able to say yes. And now he knew exactly where he was going to ask. It had been right in front of him the whole time.


	72. Chapter 72

Meredith muttered under her breath, frustrated as she dug through the vast contents that had spent the last year taking over her locker. "Seriously. Where did this crap come from?"

"Talking to yourself, Dr. Grey?"

With a muffled yelp, Meredith jumped back, surprised at being caught talking to herself. Again. "Ouch," she muttered, rubbing the elbow she had smacked on the locker door during her surprise.

Derek stood before her, one eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face.

Meredith stood glaring at her gloating boyfriend for an entire second before she dropped her sore elbow and used her good hand to smack Derek across the chest. "Stop laughing at me."

"Who says I'm laughing?"He asked, not even trying to cover his amusement with the situation.

"Fine; you're laughing on the inside. And gloating on the outside." She paused. "I don't like you."

He huffed and stepped forward, his hands reaching for her hips. "You love me. You're just upset because I caught you talking to yourself again."

Meredith couldn't help the smile that came to her lips, remembering the first time he had caught her talking to herself; right after Derek and Addison's divorce had been finalized, and she had ended her crazy run around the hospital just feet away from his office. Where he had discovered Meredith talking herself into knocking. "Shut up."

His smirk grew larger as he sidled up against her, his lips only a breath away from hers. "Why is it that you always tell me to shut up when you know I'm right?"

"I do not-" she was cut off by his lips crashing down on hers. Her hands ran up his arms to clutch to his shoulders, holding her upright as Derek pressed close, dipping her back ever so slightly.

The door opened behind her, but neither noticed until, "Ugh, McDreamy, that's the last thing I need to see after the day I've had."

Derek grumbled as he reluctantly pulled away from Meredith, standing upright, but keeping his arms firmly around her waist. "Then don't look," he shot back at Cristina.

Meredith giggled, but pressed her hands lightly against Derek's chest. He continued to grumble, but released her. "What's wrong today, Cris?"

Cristina sent her a look that said everything and nothing at the same time. "Burke is driving me crazy! I finally got rid of Marlow, and you think that would make Burke happy, but now he's barely speaking to me. I got rid of the crazy ex. I let him pick a date for the wedding. What more does he want? Seriously!"Cristina slammed her locker door and ripped open the energy bar she had pulled out. "I'm right on the edge, Meredith."

Meredith bit back a laugh as she watched her best friend take a bite of energy bar and chew angrily. "The good news is that it will be over soon... Just a couple more weeks, right?"

Cristina scoffed. "Probably just another couple weeks until a new kind of hell. See, this is why I liked being single. I can't handle this, Meredith. Burke's turning into bride-freaking-zilla," and with that, Cristina stormed out of the locker room.

Meredith giggled as she watched her best friend disappeared behind the very quickly shutting door.

Derek sidled back up to her, an arm snaking around her waist. "I think she's the one turning into bridezilla..."

"Don't tell her that, or you'll die," she warned.

He chuckled as he pulled her close and buried his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply. "Noted."

Meredith sighed and leaned against Derek's strong chest, happy for a moment of peace. "This is nice."

"Mmm," he agreed, his voice humming against her head as his hands snaked around her waist.

But their peaceful moment was shattered by a small crashing sound, followed by a series of scratches and bangs.

"What the hell..." Derek mumbled, peering over Meredith's shoulder for the source of the noise.

Meredith simply shut her eyes and burrowed her face into Derek's chest with a heavy sigh, ignoring the fact that the previous contents of her locker were now strewn across the floor.

Shuffling them to the side, Derek finally caught sight of the full damage. And then he laughed. "Where did all of that come from?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "I didn't realize it was this bad until I went looking for a text book that I think I left here last August. And apparently the giant pile of crap was ordered chronologically; the oldest being on the bottom. I didn't even know I had this much crap."

"Did you find the text book?"

Meredith shrugged. "I did now." She motioned towards the text book poking out of the pile of other books, note pads, pens, assorted scrubs and other clothes, one shoe, a binder, a bottle of shampoo, energy bars, a very crushed bag of chips and a mass of other things Meredith couldn't remember leaving in her locker. "Seriously, where did this stuff come from?"

Derek was still regarding the pile of stuff with narrowed eyes, his gaze flickering back to her locker once in a while. "Do you have a trick locker or something? Because there's no way that was all in there."

"Shut up and help me get it back in," she muttered, crouching down and beginning to shove all of the miscellaneous items back towards her locker.

"It's like the island of lost stuff," Derek commented as he crouched down to help her.

Meredith paused, glancing at him. "The what?"

"The island of lost stuff," he repeated, "Like the island of lost toys."

She shook her head. "What the hell are you talking about? It's a locker, not an island, and...seriously, why are you looking at me like that?"

Derek smiled. "Remind me of this in December. There's a movie you obviously have to watch."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

When they finally had everything haphazardly shoved back into her locker, Meredith quickly grabbed her purse and slammed the door. "There. No problem."

"Except that you forgot your text book," he pointed out.

"I just needed to find it," she explained. "I don't actually have to read it yet. Cristina's got a schedule for studying, but the whole wedding thing has got her a little distracted."

"You don't need her. You can study with me."

Meredith rolled her eyes again. "Great help that would be. We'd never get anything done."

"We'd get plenty done," he countered. "I'd be a great study buddy."

She raised an eyebrow, "Let me guess; a naked study buddy?"

"Exactly. It's the best kind of studying."

"Funny; cause it doesn't seem very useful."

"Oh, it's very useful," he murmured, shuffling close. "I hear it's excellent for relieving stress."

Meredith hooked her thumbs through his belt loops and tilted her head as she stared up at him. "Tell you what; I'll get some actual studying done with my friends, and you can be on call for all the stress relief you want."

"Hmm," he hummed, dipping his head the crook of her neck, "Excellent idea." He pressed two kisses against her neck and two against her clavicle before giving the same treatment to the other side.

"Derek," Meredith found herself prompting. "We're at work."

"So?"

"In the locker room."

He grumbled and reluctantly pulled his lips from her skin. "I love you."

Her heart practically melted in her chest at his gentle tone. "I love you too. But what's the matter with you today?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're all..." She floundered with her hands as she struggled to come up with a suitable word. "Mushy."

He raised an eyebrow. "I'm mushy?"

She nodded. "You're all mushy and touchy-feely and crap. At work. In front of Cristina!"

"Hey, she walked in-"

"And you told her to stop looking. _And_ you still didn't let go of me."

"Fine, I'll keep my hands to myself," he feigned hurt.

She huffed and grabbed his wrists, returning his warm hands to her own hips. "Seriously, Derek, what's going on?"

He shrugged. "I'm just happy."

"Just happy?"

"Okay; very, very happy. It hasn't been an easy couple months, but I feel like we're at the end of it. And I've figured out some stuff. And I love you." He offered a warm smile and shrugged, "Why shouldn't I be happy?"

She smiled, finding his enthusiasm suddenly contagious when he was looking at her like that. "I'm happy too."

He smiled and kissed her softly. "Let's get you some food so we can go home and get a start on the stress relieving activities..."

Meredith laughed, but happily took his hand and allowed herself to be led towards the elevators. "Where are we going for food?"

Derek shrugged. "I thought we could pick something up at Joe's and go home."

"Leaving more time for stress relief?"

"Exactly." He sent her a smile, but something in his eyes seemed...different.

They came to a stop at the elevators, and Derek jabbed repeatedly at the down arrow.

Meredith furrowed her brow, trying to figure out what had changed in the past thirty seconds, but before she could begin to think of an explanation, a pager echoed between them.

"Shit!" Derek cursed, reaching for his waistband. He sighed heavily. "They need me to do a consult in the ER. Just great..."

"It's okay," Meredith offered. It wasn't like this was all that unusual. They were surgeons; it was part of the job.

"No, it's not. Seriously. I would like to meet the man who invented pagers and give him a piece of my mind."

"Yeah, you do that," Meredith mumbled, still studying Derek's reaction with interest. There _had_ been talk of naked study relief, but being paged shouldn't have upset him that much. It wasn't like they'd never been interrupted or delayed before.

He sighed heavily and leaned in to kiss her. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she insisted. "I'll head over to Joe's. Text me if it's going to be fast. I can order, so we can get to the stress relief sooner rather than later."

His smile finally returned – a little too brightly – and he nodded his agreement as he turned and hurried for the stairs.

Meredith shook her head as the elevator door opened before her and she stepped in. "And he thinks _I_ need the stress relief," she muttered, before, "Crap. I really have to stop talking to myself."

**

"Hey, how's my favourite customer?"

"Oh, Joe, I'm sure you say that to all of us."

Joe leaned across the bar towards her as she took a seat on her favourite stool. "But I only mean it with you."

She laughed. "You probably say that too."

"Okay; you caught me. But you're definitely top ten."

"Thanks...I think."

"So, where's you man?"

"He got paged. I told him I'd wait here. I thought there'd be someone here I know." She waved a hand at all the unfamiliar hospital workers.

"What about me?"

"You don't count."

"Ouch."

She giggled. "So not the way I meant it. You have other people to talk to. Plus; sitting alone at the bar talking to only the bar tender is a little lame."

"It didn't stop you the first time you came in here."

She nodded. "That is true. But I've changed."

"So, no tequila?"

"Nah," she said after a short debate. "Just bring me something mixed for now. I may have to drive myself home."

"Coming right up." He quickly set to work, and within seconds was setting a glass down in front of her.

"Put it on my tab," an unfamiliar voice came from beside her.

Meredith glanced to her left to meet the eyes of an overly coiffed man she had never met. "I have my own tab, thanks," she mumbled, turning to face forward again, scowling when Joe's attention was called to the other side of the bar.

"Ah, an independent woman; I'm intrigued. Can I buy your next one for you?"

"No."

"How about the one after that?"

"What makes you think there's going to be one after that?" She asked, turning to face him again. His short blond hair was jelled upwards despite its length, and he may have been attractive had he not been wearing a black shirt with an upturned collar under an open leather jacket.

He smirked, far too cocky and arrogant; in a way that made Mark look modest. "I'm just assuming eventually the drinks will be at my place."

"Who do you think you are?" She countered. "Just...go away."

"Ah, come on, honey-"

"Seriously. Go away. There will be no drinks with you. Not now. Not ever. And where do you think you are; some sort of alien trafficking movie with Will Smith?"

The man's solid outer show of an ego floundered slightly before he huffed and left.

"Impressive," Joe spoke up, returning to her side of the bar. "I was going to come and rescue you, but you seem fine on your own."

"You should put an 'imbeciles not allowed' sign outside the door, Joe."

"I'll keep that in mind. Although, there are easier ways to keep away unwanted...imbeciles."

"How's that?"

Joe reached for her left hand. "When's that McDreamy of yours going to seal the deal?"

She giggled. "Seal the deal?"

"It's an expression."

"It's stupid."

"And you're avoiding the question."

Meredith sighed. "How do you know that?"

Joe shrugged. "I'm a bar tender. It's like having a degree in clinical psychology."

She laughed and took a sip of her drink. "Good point."

"So..." He prompted.

"Fine; we talked about it."

He smiled. "How much talking?"

"He's...we're...he's going to ask soon," she admitted, unable to hide her smile.

"How soon?"

She shrugged. "He keeps making stupid jokes about sky writing and crap, which, seriously, I'll kill him. But soon; I hope." She pursed her lips as a thought hit her. "He was remarkable angry when he got paged, though, so I wonder if he had something planned tonight..."

"You're remarkably calm," Joe noted, "for someone who's going to be engaged soon."

"I was freaking out last week," she assured. "He almost asked a few weeks ago, right after my accident, but it was bad timing and he was scared to lose me, so we decided to wait. And then nothing happened and we went out to dinner and I thought he might ask, but then he didn't and old Meredith butted in and convinced me he didn't want us...me." She shook her head. "And I spilled to Cristina, who went to Derek, who came to me and promised he still loves me and still wants to marry me."

"But you're not anxious as to when?"

She shrugged. "I am. I love him, and I want to get married and whatever, but it's not like if he proposed today that we'd get married tomorrow, so I can wait a bit. It's not going to change anything right away."

"That's very Zen of you, but having a ring would at least serve to keep the so called imbeciles away."

"True." She took a sip of her drink. "Joe, do you think I'm a ring wearing kind of girl?"

"What kind of girl isn't?"

She shrugged. "That's what I'm trying to decide."

With a glance to ensure there were no anxious customers vying for his attention, Joe leaned over the bar. "What are the pros and cons?"

"I haven't really made a list... I just don't really know if I'm an engagement ring wearing person."

"Well, I think most other women would tell you if a man like that asks you to marry him, you wear his ring."

She laughed. "I have two female friends, Joe. One would tell me to absolutely wear it all the time, and the other would tell me to never even put it on. That's fifty-fifty."

He waved a hand. "It's not about what they think. It's about what you think."

"Sometimes I like the idea of it," she admitted. Despite her upbringing and previous mindset, she had found herself imaging things in the last few weeks; things that included rings and names and forevers. "But what if I lose it? And it's so impractical at the hospital; all I do all day is put gloves on and pull gloves off. And people still talk about us."

"It's not like they're not going to know you're engaged," Joe pointed out. "Not wearing the ring may get you just as much attention."

"Good point. I guess that's a con for both sides."

"You don't have to wear it all the time," he pointed out. "You could wear it when you wanted."

"You think?"

He nodded. "It's not like a tattoo. You're not stuck with it on forever."

"I guess I'll have to think about it."

He nodded and excused himself to serve the customers at the other end of the bar again.

Meredith sighed and sipped her drink.

"So, is this a good place to hang out?"

She turned to her right and rolled her eyes at the familiar form beside her, decked out in jeans and a sweater with a white shirt poking out unevenly from underneath. "I thought you were going to text me?"

"How could I text you if I've just met you?"

"Joe really needs to get that sign," she mumbled to herself.

"What sign?"

"Never mind. How was your consult?"

"Clear."

"Good."

He nodded. "So, you never answered my question..."

"What question?"

"Is this a good place to hang out?"

"Not as good a place as home, where we can go now and relieve stress."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "My, my, Dr. Grey, here we've just met and already you're inviting me home."

"If we just met, how do you know my name?" She retorted.

He paused, lips parted, struggling for a response. "Lucky guess."

"You're an idiot."

"You still haven't answered my question."

She sighed. "Yes, it's a great place to hang out. Joe over there is practically my therapist, and almost a year ago, I met my boyfriend here."

"Really? Is he dreamy?"

"Who, Joe?"

Derek huffed. "The boyfriend."

"Meh," she shrugged.

This time Derek grumbled. "I'm sure he has his moments."

"He does; few and far between, but they're there."

"Can you just pretend to love me a little?" He begged, sticking out his lower lip ever so slightly.

"I don't have to pretend," she reassured, leaning in the kiss him, unable to resist the lip.

"This really is a good place to hang out," he whispered when she pulled away.

"It is."

"Doc," Joe greeted, placing a scotch down in front of Derek.

"Thanks, Joe."

Meredith moved her stool closer so she could lean against Derek.

He smiled and wrapped an arm around her. "At least you're not ignoring me this time," he said, referring to their first meeting.

She giggled. "That was a long time ago. And I had made a pact with myself to go home alone."

Derek hugged her tighter for a moment with the arm wrapped around her waist. "We should make a pact with each other; to never go home alone."

Meredith's heart skipped a beat at his words. It was something mushy that he would say at any time, but now, knowing what was coming...knowing it could come as soon as tonight... "Derek?"

"I mean, excluding times when it can't be helped. Sometimes being a surgeon sucks, but whenever possible, we should definitely make a pact to never go home alone."

Meredith sat upright and turned to meet his eyes. "Okay."

He pecked her lips. "Okay." He smiled and took a sip of his scotch.

Her heart was pounding against her chest, but she wasn't sure if there was reason for it. The bar was filling up behind them, but she felt like it was just her and Derek in a bubble. It would be fitting, though, for him to do it here. They _had_ met here.

Derek cocked his head as he regarded her with a tender smile. "So, did it work?"

"Did what work?"

"Did you love me once you got to know me?"

"I think I loved you before that."

"Back when I was just a guy in a bar?"

"Maybe."

"I loved you when you were just a girl in a bar."

"And now?"

He shrugged his shoulders, leaning in to whisper into her ear. "I'll always love you, but you're not just a girl in a bar anymore."

She played nervously with the rough fabric over his thigh. Her heart was still pounding and her throat was dry. "No."

He tightened his lips and shook his head ever so slightly, and gave her that look that made her feel loved and attractive and wanted all at the same time. "You're everything now, Meredith. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Tears welled in her eyes, but didn't fall. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you too, Derek."

Derek smiled and turned towards her so that they were knee to knee, facing each other. He pulled a small purple box from his pocket and Meredith felt her heart skip a beat. It opened with a tiny creak that sounded hugely loud to Meredith's over stimulated senses. He placed it on the counter beside them, the ring facing her, but all she could see through her increasingly wet eyes was purple and sparkles and light.

"Derek," she whispered.

He brushed a single stray tear from her cheek before taking her hands and tilting his head to the side. "I love you, Meredith Grey. Will you marry me?"

She nodded three times before words finally found their way to her throat. "Yes," she whispered, for only him to hear. And then his lips were against hers and his arms were around her, and her hands were clutching the soft material of his shirt.

"I love you. I love you. I love you," he repeated between kisses.

"I love you too, Derek," she finally managed to reciprocate when the kissing stopped and she wrapped her arms around his neck in the warmest hug she could ever remember. "God, I love you."

"I love you," he said again, nuzzling against her neck. "You said yes."

"Did you really think I wouldn't after everything?"

He pulled back far enough to offer her a smirk. "Well, the sky writing pilot was really disappointed when I told him it wasn't going to happen..."

"Shut up about the freaking sky writing," she whispered, though she couldn't stop smiling.

He kissed her one last time before reaching for the box beside them. "You're sure?" He asked, taking her left hand in his.

She took a deep breath and wiped her free hand across her damp face. "I've never been surer of anything."

"Me either," he whispered as he slipped the delicate ring onto her fingers.

"Wow," Meredith murmured, straightening her fingers as she tried to focus on the new addition to her ring finger through her still damp eyes. She could feel something there, but the ring wasn't nearly as heavy or...present as she had expected. It was simply...there. She closed her hand into a fist and ran her right hand over it. "Wow," she said again. "This is kind of...wow."

"Yeah..." He practically breathed. "Kind of like a high."

She smiled at him and nodded. "Exactly. Better than surgery."

He kissed her. "Good to know."

Meredith closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against Derek's as she breathed in the scent of her future husband. "Derek?"

"Mmm?" He murmured, his arms around her, holding her close.

"This moment...right now...I..."

"You what?"

"I think this is the best moment of my entire life."

"Oh, Mer," he practically breathed. "Me too."

She exhaled raggedly as tears welled suddenly in her eyes. "This really is forever, isn't it? You really do want me."

"Forever," he confirmed, pecking her lips. "I want you. And I love you."

Meredith cocked her head and smiled, ignoring the tears that were making tracks down her cheeks. "I love you too." She took a deep breath and smiled as Derek wiped his thumbs across her cheeks. "Come on," she found herself saying as she stood and held out her hand, "Take me home."

He took her hand with a smile, entwining their fingers. "Every night; forever," he whispered.

They got half-way to the door before Meredith couldn't wait another moment. She came to an abrupt stop and spun around, catching Derek by surprise. And then, regardless of how busy it was around them, she pressed her lips against his and lost herself in the reminder of their past and the promise of their future.

Together.


	73. Chapter 73

_**IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!**__ – This chapter has been re-uploaded with a new second half. This first half was posted a couple weeks ago, and has not changed, but somehow the second half did not get posted with it. So, I took down the original chapter 73 and reposted with the second half so everyone gets a chance to read it before the next chapter (which should be up soon) is posted. Sorry about the confusion; I'm having some 'minor' computer problems... The second half is all Derek's POV._

**

When Meredith awoke that morning, she did so smiling. It was early – the sun was just starting to rise into the sky – and she had the day off. Normally on days like this, where her internal intern alarm woke her up far earlier than necessary, she would grumble and complain to herself before rolling over and burying her head under her pillow as she struggled to get back to sleep.

But not today.

Today she woke up smiling even though it was crazy early and she didn't need to be up for hours. Because today she awoke with a ring on her finger and the arms of the man she loved wrapped tightly around her middle. His bare chest was pressed against her back, and she could feel his every exhale brushing through the hair on the back of her head.

If she could wake up feeling like this every morning, she would never feel the need to sleep in again.

She stretched her stiff legs down, brushing against the front of Derek's knees and shins. He groaned in response and shifted behind her as he too began to wake. "What time is it?" He asked, his voice hoarse from lack of sleep.

"Early," she mumbled, turning in his arms so she was facing him, settling with her head and left arm resting on his chest as he rolled onto his back. "Really early."

He closed his arms around her again and pressed a kiss against the top of her head. "Why are you awake?"

"I don't know."

He ran his hand along her bare back. "You should sleep. It's not like we got much sleep last night..."

Meredith smiled at his words. There had been a lot of celebrating the night before. They couldn't have gotten more than a couple short hours of sleep. "Hmm, good point."

Derek ran his fingers along her left hand, feeling for the ring, before lacing their fingers together. "Still a yes?"

She smiled. "Still a yes."

He pressed a second kiss against her head. "Good."

Meredith giggled. "What would you do if I said no?"

"I'd have to convince you to change your mind..."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes and raised an eyebrow. "And how might you go about doing that?"

He rolled them over so he was hovering over her, his lips inches from hers. "Probably do something like this," he whispered, kissing her hard.

"Sounds good to me," she mumbled when the kiss was eventually broken.

Derek cocked his head and smirked, "But I don't have to change your mind, because it's still a yes, right?"

She reached her hands into his hair. "Let's pretend for a couple minutes I'm unsure."

He gave her a look. "It'll be way more than a couple of minutes."

Meredith giggled. "I so didn't mean it like that."

"I guess I'll just have to prove it to you."

"I guess you will..."

**

When Meredith awoke the second time, it was to someone banging against the bedroom door. "No..." she mumbled, burying her head into Derek's chest. "Make it stop."

"It's your friend," he mumbled back.

"How do you know that?"

"Because your cell phone already rang."

She groaned and shouted, "Go away."

"I'm giving you ten seconds to open the door," Cristina's voice came from the hallway, "And then I'm coming in. And Izzy and Alex said they could hear you this morning, so I know you're naked." There was a pause. "Ten seconds, Mer. I'm serious."

"We're sleeping," she responded. "Go away."

"Nine. Eight."

"She sounds pretty serious," Derek whispered, pulling the comforter up around them, but making to move to actually make her answer the door, or to even let go of her.

"If you love me, you'll tell her to leave."

"Seven."

He chuckled and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "You and I both know she wouldn't listen to me."

"Six."

"Good point."

"Five."

Meredith huffed, rolled unhappily away from her very warm fiancé and stood up.

"Four."

She pulled on a robe and sent Derek an apologetic look. "I'll make this as fast as I can."

"Three. Two."

"I'm coming," she muttered, swinging open the door and glaring at her best friend. "Seriously. It's our day off. Why are you waking us up so freaking early?"

"Early?" Cristina retorted and Meredith closed the door and ushered her towards the stairs. "It's almost eleven. I thought I was giving you more than enough time."

"Enough time until what?"

"Studying."

Meredith groaned and buried her face in her hands. "No. No studying today."

"Meredith, the test is in two weeks. We need to be prepared."

"We are prepared. You've had us studying for months."

"Exactly. Now's not the time to start slacking off. We're in the home stretch."

"I am not studying today," Meredith repeated. "I am not opening a textbook. I am not answering a single quiz question. I am ignoring the fact that I am an intern today."

"Meredith, you can't do this now."

"Yes, I can and- Wait. Didn't you just get off a twenty-four hour shift? You should be sleeping."

Cristina shrugged. "So? This is more important than sleep."

"For you maybe."

"Meredith," Cristina said, her voice full of irritation. "We have a test to study for."

"I don't care; not today."

"Give me one good reason why today is different than any other day?"

"Because Derek asked me to marry him last night."

Silence.

Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "So, yeah. I'm taking one day off to celebrate with my...fiancé." The word sounded foreign coming out of her mouth, but she still smiled. "Because I'm happy. We're happy. And I don't want to ruin the happiness with studying. So...one day. That's all I'm asking for here. One day to act like a happy, regular person who doesn't have a huge test in two weeks."

"So McDreamy finally worked up the nerve to ask?" Was Cristina's response. "Please tell me he had private violin music and a massive ring hidden in the dessert or anything."

Meredith laughed and shook her head. "No music. No hiding the ring anywhere. And it's not that big." She hesitated before holding out her hand for her best friend's inspection. The ring was definitely understated; big enough to be seen without being huge, sparkly and beautiful with a hint of purple.

Cristina stared at the ring for a moment without making a move to touch it. "Nice. You know, Burke got me a ring. It was huge; four karats. Seriously, who would wear that? It would be so impractical at the hospital."

Meredith nodded. "I haven't decided yet if I'm going to wear it at work."

Cristina nodded, silently accepting her statement. "Where did he ask?"

"Joe's."

She looked surprised. "I saw him as a five star restaurant type."

Meredith laughed. "Joe's was good. It was very us. There was no fancy meal, or violin music, or getting down on one knee. No big speech. Just asking me to marry him where we first met."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "He's turning you into a sap."

"He's not."

"He so is."

Meredith muffed. "For today I'm allowed to be a sap. I'm allowed to be happy. I _am_ happy."

"Fine. I'll let you have the day off. Just don't come crying to me when you fail the exam and have to redo your intern year."

It was Meredith's turn to roll her eyes. "I'll keep them in mind."

Cristina turned for the door and then turned back. "I...congratulations."

"Is this a moment where we're supposed to hug?"

Cristina made a face. "I don't think so. We didn't hug when I told you I was engaged."

"I was barely conscious and lying in a hospital bed with hypothermia and fractured ribs after coming back from the dead," she pointed out.

"Still...I don't think this is a hugging moment."

Meredith giggled. "I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Cristina nodded. "They'll be lots of studying tomorrow. You'll have to catch up."

"Whatever."

Her best friend made a face before turning back to the door and letting herself out.

Meredith locked the door and quickly made her way back up the stairs and into her bedroom. Derek was exactly where she had left him, only facing the other way. She dropped the robe onto the floor and crawled into bed behind him, her arm going over his waist as she spooned him.

He mumbled something incomprehensible and laced his fingers through hers.

"I really, really love you," she whispered into his back.

He sighed and whispered, "I love you too."

**

"Cheers to us," Derek stated, hours later, as they sat across from each other at the small kitchen table. Derek was wearing jeans and his old college tee. Meredith matched him in sweatpants and her long sleeved Dartmouth tee.

"Corny," she commented, but humoured him by clinking her glass against his.

"You know you love me anyway."

She smirked. "Unfortunately."

He rolled his eyes in good humour. "Do you want to eat or not?"

"Absolutely, I'm starving." They hadn't managed to pull themselves away from their bed until late in the afternoon.

"Then be nice to me."

It was her turn to smirk as she reached her foot forward under the table and ran it up his leg. "And here I thought I was being more than nice to you all day..."

Derek groaned. "You can't do that now, or we'll never eat today."

She giggled and stopped. "Good point."

He smiled at her. "I hate that we have to go back to work tomorrow."

"Me too. But just two weeks left before we actually get a vacation."

Derek smiled at her words. They were set to fly to New York three days following the intern exam, stay for five days, and then fly south from there for a week and fly home right in time to go back to work the next day. "Are you excited?"

She made a face. "No."

He sighed and cocked his head. "Meredith..."

"I'm glad we're going," she said before he could say more. "But no, I'm not excited. I'm freaking nervous."

"You have nothing to be nervous about."

"Are you freaking kidding me? May I remind you that I spoke to your mother for who knows how long without any sensors? Who knows what stupid and embarrassing things I said to her?"

As much as he tried, Derek wasn't able to hide his smile. "I'd forgotten about that..."

She huffed and kicked him under the table. "I'm going to have that riding above my head for the rest of my life, aren't I?"

He shrugged. "Probably."

"Derek! You're supposed to be helping."

"I'm just being honest. Do you want me to lie to you?"

"No, just...not helping."

"It's not a horrible thing to have done. It's far from the most embarrassing thing that's been done in my family."

"That depends entirely on what it was I said to her."

He laughed. "You didn't say anything that bad."

"That's a matter of opinion."

"Fine; it's of my opinion that nothing you said was damaging. It's also of my opinion that you're too worried. Everything will be fine."

Meredith sighed and tilted her head as she observed him. "Promise?"

He gave her his patented smile; the one that made her feel like she was the most important person in his world. "I promise."

She offered him a smile. "Okay. I'll try to stop stressing."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Wow. That's awfully optimistic of you."

She giggled. "What can I say? I guess I'm finding myself in a much more _optimistic_ place today..." She glanced at her left hand before meeting his eyes again.

He smiled warmly at her.

Meredith shrugged. "Though, I have to warn you. It is me, so this whole optimism thing will probably be gone by tomorrow morning."

This time he laughed. "True."

She giggled again. "I love that you get me..."

He chuckled. "You're definitely unique."

"Shut up."

"I love you."

She scoffed and looked down at her food, trying to avoid the smile that was playing at her lips. He had so much power over her, even with such a short statement. His foot brushed against her shin under the table, forcing her to look up. And when she met his eyes, she couldn't help but smile. "I love you too."

He smiled back. "We're getting married."

Her soft smile grew into a huge, beaming thing, where it felt like her lips were curled up to her eyes and her face may actually start to hurt if it stayed like this too long. "We're getting married," she echoed quietly.

The moment was broken by the sound of the front door opening, and a myriad of feet shuffling into the front hall. The door slammed shut and footsteps made their way towards the kitchen.

Meredith sighed as she waited for the kitchen door to be pushed open, wishing now more than ever that she and Derek lived alone. They had agreed months ago to wait until her internship was over before talking in any depth about moving out on their own, but now she was wishing they had a place of their own.

The door opened, and Alex, Izzy, George and Callie walked into the kitchen, arms laden with textbooks and notepads.

"Hey!" Izzy greeted brightly. "Are you guys almost done? We need the table."

Meredith stared at her roommate, her fork paused half way to her mouth. "Excuse me?"

"We need the table to study." She shrugged. "You can join us if you want...but Cristina told us you were taking the day off studying. And then she ditched us and went to study on her own," Izzy continued, making a face.

"Well, we're eating," she explained, exchanging a look with Derek, who looked amused with the situation.

"That's okay. We can share the table." She dropped a pile of books onto the table beside Meredith's plate and pulled out a chair.

"Okay, seriously," Meredith muttered. "We're using the table. Can you really not wait?"

"Nope," Alex mumbled, dropping into the chair between Izzy and Derek. "Callie O'Malley here has offered to share her cards." He shrugged. "We need all the help we can get if we're going to beat Yang."

"I am not studying today."

George sat beside his wife, the two of them sitting between Meredith and Derek on the opposite side of the table from Izzy and Alex. "You probably wouldn't want to beat Cristina," he said to Alex. "She's kill you."

Meredith dropped her fork onto her plate with a clang. "Okay. Seriously. We are trying to eat."

"Then eat. It's a free country," Izzy said with a shrug, opening her textbook.

She huffed. "Seriously, can you guys not give us ten minutes?"

"You've had the house to yourselves all day. It's our turn." Izzy retorted.

Alex nodded his agreement.

"But it's my house."

"What's your point?"

Meredith groaned and buried her face in her hands. "Why can't I just have one freaking d-" She was cut off by the sound of Izzy squealing. And then her left hand was being pulled away from her face.

"Meredith! Oh my god! Are you engaged?"

Before Meredith could begin to say a word, Izzy squealed again and threw her arms around her.

"This is so exciting! Congratulations!"

"Uh...thanks," Meredith said carefully, closing her arms around her roommate.

"I'm so happy for you," Izzy continued, before releasing her roommate and leaping to her feet. She hurried around the table and hugged Derek around the neck from behind. "Congratulations!"

Meredith raised an eyebrow as she exchanged a smile with her fiancé. "Thanks, Izzy," he responded when Izzy's arm released its tight hold around his neck,

"Congratulations, Meredith," George offered, standing up from his seat next to her to offer her a hug.

She stood and accepted the hug. "Thanks, George." She was also given a hug from Callie and a half-hug from Alex, before being accosted by a very enthusiastic Izzy once more.

"When did he ask? Was it romantic? Where did it happen? When are you getting married? Have you set a date? Where is it going to be? Can I come dress shopping with you?" Izzy continued, her attention focussed solely on Meredith.

Meredith stammered slightly as she tried to keep up with the questions. "Uh...last night. At Joe's. And...no, we haven't talked about anything..."

"We'll have to get started on that," Izzy said brightly. "But seriously, can I come shopping with you?"

"Uh...maybe."

Izzy scoffed. "You need me to go with you. Your only other option is Cristina."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "If I decide to wear a dress, you can come with me."

"_If_ you decide? You're getting married, Meredith. You can't not wear a dress."

She exchanged a look with Derek, suddenly worried about what he thought. In the last months she had started to think about what it would be like to spend her life with this man. In the last weeks she had thought about what it would be like to be married to him. And even though he had proposed nearly twenty-four hours earlier, she hadn't actually stopped to consider the wedding.

Derek offered her a supportive smile.

"I guess we still have to talk about stuff."

"So, let's talk." Izzy said excitedly, pushing her textbooks away and pulling out a notebook. "The first thing we need to talk about is venue. If you want someplace big, you may have to wait longer. But if we do some research tonight, we can make some phone calls first thing tomorrow morning and see what the wait times are like."

"Gee, Iz, I didn't realize you, Meredith and Derek were getting married," Alex spoke.

"Shut up," Izzy snapped. "It's Meredith. She's obviously going to need help if she actually wants to pull this off."

"Hey, that's not fair," Meredith found herself retorting.

"Meredith, seriously, do you know anything about planning a wedding?"

"Well, no-"

"That's my point."

"But it's not like you have any experience either."

"Yeah, but I wasn't a child of darkness."

"Hey!" She exclaimed, glaring as all of her friends – and her fiancé – laughed at her.

"I'm just saying."

She huffed and set down her utensils. "I'm going to bed. You people can take care of the dishes, seeing as you've taken over my kitchen table and ruined our dinner." And with that, she stood and strode out of the kitchen.

She made it all the way upstairs to their bedroom before Derek caught up to her, catching her at the door and wrapping his arms around her waist from behind so that they entered the room together. "I love you," he whispered, his chin resting on her shoulder.

Meredith closed her fingers around Derek's forearms. "I love you too."

"Izzy's just excited. Don't be upset."

She sighed. "I'm not upset," she explained, turning in his embrace and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'm frustrated that we can't even seem to have dinner together today without being interrupted. And...Izzy has a point."

"What do you mean?"

"I have no idea how to plan a wedding."

"We can figure it out together."

She scoffed. "You've done this before."

He chuckled. "Do you really think I had a say in a single thing when I married Addison? I didn't even get to pick out my own tux."

She furrowed her brow. "Oh."

"Yeah." He offered her a smile, before releasing her and wandering over to their bed. He sat against the headboard and motioned for her to join him.

With a smile, Meredith sat beside him, cuddling close. "I feel stupid. I've thought about what it would be like to be married to you, but I never actually considered the whole wedding thing."

Derek snorted. "That's what makes you who you are." He tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Meredith. The marriage is important to me, not the wedding."

She blinked hard, feeling a stinging in her eyes. "So, you still want me, even though I have no idea what I'm doing?"

He laughed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Yes. And we're going to figure this out together."

Meredith felt herself relax against him. "I'm not really a big wedding type of bride. Or a church wedding bride."

"Me neither."

"And you'd probably look pretty stupid in a wedding dress."

Derek sighed. "Not what I meant..."

She giggled. "I couldn't help it."

He pressed a kiss to the side of her neck. "We can get married wherever you want, and you can wear whatever you want."

"I just want to be married to you," she said with a sigh. "I really have no ideas about the wedding."

"We could just go to City Hall tomorrow..." He said lightly.

"Are you in a hurry or something?"

He shrugged before snaking his arms around her waist. "I need to get you to say 'I do' before you change your mind."

Meredith laughed. "Trust me, Derek, I'm not changing my mind."

"Mmm, good to know," he mumbled, placing another kiss on the side of her neck.

"And City Hall..." she sighed. "I don't want anything big or whatever, but I think... I want more than just City Hall. I want...something."

"Something?"

She nodded. "Exactly."

He chortled. "How very specific of you."

"Give me a break; I'm new at this."

"We don't have to decide right now. There's no hurry."

"Okay," she said with a small smile, knowing just how lucky she was to have him; with the dreaminess and the patience. "Do you have any ideas?"

"I think we should get naked and get married in a field of flowers."

She snorted. "I am not a naked bride."

"Come on, it's a great idea."

"It's a horrible idea. What would the pictures look like?"

"Seeing you naked any time is good. I think the pictures would be great."

She elbowed him. "We need to have at least one normal picture."

He shifted so he was somewhat protected from her elbows. "Why?"

"So we have something to show our kids one day."

Derek fell silent for several moments, his arms tightening their hold and his chin coming to rest on her shoulder. "Something to show our kids, huh?"

Meredith sighed and allowed herself to completely relax against her fiancé. "Yeah...I want to have something to show them."

"To prove that we actually got married?"

She laughed. "To show them how happy we were."

He sighed, his arms tightening around her. "We'll always be happy, Mer. There won't ever be a time where all you have left is a picture to prove we were happy. I promise."

Tears stung the backs of her eyes, so she closed them and allowed herself to imagine the future while in the safety of Derek's embrace. "I know we'll be happy," she whispered. "I know."

**

**

The next day, Derek yawned as he scrubbed out of his successful morning surgery. It had been his only scheduled surgery of the day, and he hoped to have an early day.

Well, he hoped he and Meredith could have an early day together.

One day off to celebrate their engagement was not enough. He wanted more time to spend with his...fiancée.

The term made him smile. Nothing had changed between them in the last two days. They had already been planning their life together. But now... She wasn't just his girlfriend anymore. She was his _fiancée_. It denoted permanence. It meant forever.

A newly found sense of relief had passed over him the moment she had smiled, looked into his eyes and said yes without a hint of hesitation. Nothing else mattered but her. A year earlier, he had moved across the country in order to start his life over. He hadn't planned on falling in love. He hadn't planned on getting married again.

But Meredith had changed all of that. She had appeared in his life in the blink of an eye. And in the next blink he had fallen for her. And now he had something to live for; _someone_ to live for. Nothing else seemed to matter all that much. He had found what he was looking for; what he needed to be happy for the rest of his life.

With one last rinse, he shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry his hands. He yawned again. His one day of celebrating hadn't exactly been restful.

"Two more weeks," he mumbled to himself. In two weeks, he and Meredith finally had extended time off together. He couldn't wait to introduce his _fiancée_ to his family. And he especially couldn't wait to spend a week with her in a tropical resort, with no hospital, no roommates and no interruptions.

"Are you so determined to avoid me that you're stuck with only yourself to talk to?"

Derek resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he turned to face the plastic surgeon that had the uncanny ability to appear out of nowhere.

"I'm not avoiding you."

"You were this morning."

"No, I wasn't," he retorted, although it wasn't entirely the truth. He had been in a hurry that morning, not wanting to leave his very warm and sexy fiancée in bed. He had arrived at the hospital and hurried across the lobby to a waiting elevator. Once inside he had caught sight of Mark heading for the same elevator, motioning for him to hold it. But Derek hadn't exactly hurried to press the 'door open' button. And he hadn't exactly been able to hold back his smirk when the doors had closed with the plastic surgeon only feet away.

Mark made a face, telling Derek he didn't believe him. "If you had been courteous enough to hold the elevator for me this morning, I could have talked to you earlier."

"Ah, my loss," Derek said sarcastically, "And I guess you don't have time to talk now, seeing as you're on your way into surgery, and I know how strong your work ethic is."

"Give it a break, will you? I'm trying to help you here."

"What could I possibly need your help with?"

"So many things," Mark retorted. "But right now, one in particular."

"Do I even want to know? I have a heap of paperwork on my desk, Mark."

"Are you saying you'd rather do paperwork than talk to me?"

"Do you even have to ask me that?"

Mark huffed. "I'm trying to help you, man."

Derek sighed and leaned against the wall, his arms crossed against his chest, giving Mark his attention.

"I've been thinking about your problem."

"I don't have any problems."

"You're a coward."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are. You've been hoarding a ring for god knows how long. Grey's hot. The only thing keeping you from getting down on one knee is you being a coward."

Derek opened his mouth, but couldn't decide which comment to address first.

Mark took the opportunity to continue. "You just have to decide on a situation and go for it. Holding onto the ring and the idea of a perfect proposal is messing with your head."

"But-" Derek tried to cut in.

"It's not right. Proposals are all about making the chick feel special. Just get dressed up and take her to her favourite restaurant, and make sure you have strawberries and whipped cream for when you get home-"

"Okay, seriously, you need to stop. I don't need your help."

"You've always needed my help."

Derek scoffed. "I have not."

"You have," Mark insisted. "I'm only trying to help-"

"I don't need your help."

It was Mark's turn to scoff. "I care to differ-"

"I asked her two days ago," Derek finally cut in, expecting to see shock on the plastic surgeon's face. Instead, he saw a flash of pain, reminding them both that there was a time not so long ago where neither of them would have waited two days to share big news.

Mark recovered quickly. "And?"

"Like I told you; she said yes."

"Well...congratulations, man."

"Thanks."

There was an awkward pause. Once upon a time, when the two men had been having a very similar conversation, Mark had been appointed best man at this point. But now, almost fourteen years later, neither seemed to know what was to be said next.

"So, when's the big day?"

Derek smiled and shook his head. "Haven't had a chance to think about it. We don't even know what we want."

Mark nodded. "Well, I need to scrub in. My patient is waiting." He moved to the sink.

"Thanks for the...help," Derek offered, his tone half sarcastic.

"Any time," Mark returned, with the same tone.

Derek moved to the door, but hesitated before leaving. "You'll be invited."

Mark turned half way from the sink, nodding at his former – and maybe future – best friend. "I'll be there."

**

Derek sighed and ran his hand through his hair, struggling to focus on the mass of paperwork stacked in front of him. The last place he wanted to be right now was stuck in his quiet office. And the last thing he wanted to be doing was paperwork. Especially after the happiness of the last two days.

He had looked for Meredith at lunch, but she had been in surgery, so he had bought a salad and a bottle of water, and had retreated to his office. That had been hours ago. He had made progress on his paperwork, but there was still so much left to do.

With a groan, Derek covered his face with his hands and leaned back in his chair, wishing the day could just be over.

"Are you okay?"

The familiar voice caused him to pull his hands away from his face, meeting the worried eyes of his very perfect fiancée. "Meredith."

"Is this a bad time?" She asked, her hands holding a plate of something in front of her.

He leaned forward and quickly stood. "No, it's a perfect time." Hurriedly, he met her by the door and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I missed you."

She giggled. "You saw me this morning."

Careful of the plate in her hands, he hooked his arms around her waist as he hugged her from the side, pressing his lips to her temple. "It's been a long day. I hate paperwork."

She giggled again. "So, you're using me for a distraction?"

He kissed her temple again. "A very, very welcome distraction."

"I'm glad I could be of help."

He released her and finally glanced at the contents on the plate in her hands. Many, many slices of cake. "Do I even want to ask?"

She set the plate down on his desk and collapsed into the closest chair. "It's wedding cake."

Derek sat back down in his desk chair across from her. "So, I guess the whole not planning the wedding right away thing kind of went out the window?"

Meredith laughed. "It's not for our wedding. It's for Cristina's. Burke went crazy and took over a conference room with wedding cakes, trying to force Cristina to make a choice."

"So, you stole someone else's wedding cakes?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just some slices. And they were up for grabs. Bailey took an entire cake. I thought I'd be a nice fiancée and bring you some, seeing as I knew you'd be catching up on paperwork and would be in need of a distraction."

He smiled warmly at her. "You're a wonderful distraction. But you know I don't like cake."

"You don't eat cake," she corrected. "I know you like it. You share mine all the time. And," she pulled two forks out of her pocket, "I brought two forks so we could share."

"You're going to be the death of me," he muttered, as he reluctantly took a fork.

"Shut up," she retorted. "The chocolate one is really good."

"Which chocolate one?" He asked, eyeing the many varieties.

She smirked. "All of them."

"How much have you had today?"

She shrugged. "It's been my breakfast and lunch."

He made a face.

"Hey, you kept me pretty busy yesterday," she said, raising an eyebrow, "I needed the sugar."

"That's a good point," he responded easily, taking a small bite of cake.

She rolled her eyes. "Do you think of anything else?"

"You brought it up."

She fell silent, carefully using her fork to create a bite with several varieties of cake. "This is really good. Do you think we could get all these cakes in one for our cake?"

"Our cake, huh?"

"Well, yeah. I didn't even realize this was something we would have to think about until Burke brought in the cakes."

"I guess its something we have to add to the list."

She sighed. "There's a lot of stuff we have to add to the list. Cristina's been ranting all day about the stuff Burke is making her decide on. Did you know if you have your reception in certain halls you have to choose the cutlery? And the glasses and plates and chairs and napkins. Seriously? Who cares what the napkins look like? They stay on your lap most of the time anyway."

"That does seem a little extreme."

"A little?! I'm completely out of my element here, Derek. There are things to be decided on that I don't even know need to be decided on."

Derek furrowed his brow as he struggled to make sense of her words.

"How can I help you make decisions if I don't even know what decisions need to be made?"

"We don't have to make all of those decisions, Mer."

"But Cristina's told me about so many things-"

"Hey," he cut her off, reaching across the desk between them for her hand. "We're not them, Meredith. I am not Preston Burke. I don't care where or when we get married, as long as you marry me."

"So, you really don't care what the napkins look like?"

He laughed as he shook his head. "Absolutely not. Or the cutlery. Or the plates. Or the glasses."

She sighed and squeezed his hand. "There's just so much to think about."

"There's no rush, Mer."

"You say that, but-"

"Hey," he cut in again. "Like I said; I'm not Preston Burke. I'm not going to make you do anything you're not ready for."

"But I am ready," she whispered back to him. "I want to marry you, Derek. Soon. It's the idea of a wedding that's got me lost." She shook her head. "I was never that girl, Derek. I never dreamt of the perfect wedding. I don't know anything about planning a wedding. I don't know how to choose a wedding dress...I don't even want to wear one. I don't care about cutlery and plates and napkins. I don't care about flowers. I don't care what the food is, or the wedding cake. I-"

"I don't care either," he cut in, squeezing her hand. "You need to breathe, Mer. We can have any kind of wedding we want."

"You don't care if I don't wear a wedding dress?"

"As long as you don't care if I don't wear a tie."

She smiled. "Deal."

He smiled back. "We'll figure something out."

"Soon."

"Soon," he echoed. "In two weeks we finally have time off. We'll be able to talk then."

"One day wasn't enough."

He nodded his agreement. "It wasn't."

"You're off on Sunday too, right?"

He nodded again. Attendings rarely worked on Sundays, but since meeting Meredith, Derek had adjusted his schedule so he was off on most of her rare days off.

"Why don't we go out to the trailer after work on Saturday? We can drive back in Monday morning. It'll give us some time alone."

"Sounds great."

She sighed. "We just have to get through the next few days." She glanced at her watch. "Which means I should get back to work. I don't want to piss off Bailey so that she makes me work all weekend."

"Take the cake with you when you go."

Meredith smirked and shook her head. "Nope. I'll leave it with you. Make a note of your favourite, so if we have a wedding cake, at least that's one decision down."

"I thought we were making these decisions together?"

She shrugged. "I told you; I like them all. And I brought them for you."

He glared at her as she stood, causing her to giggle. "You know you love me."

Unable to help it, Derek felt a smile flitter across his lips. "I really do."

She leaned across the table to kiss him. "I love you too." She pulled away and offered him a smile before turning and leaving his office, leaving Derek alone with a plate of cakes.

_**AN: Sorry again about the confusion. I never realized until now that only half the chapter was posted the first time. And I promise to make it up to you by having the next chapter up ASAP. **_


	74. Chapter 74

_**AN: Again, I am sorry about the mix up with the last chapter. What had been started as two separate chapters, had been combined, and apparently my super-duper-well-working computer (did you notice the sarcasm...?) chose not to save the full final draft of the last chapter. I didn't notice it wasn't complete until I went to reread it last week in preparing to write this chapter.**_

_**AN2: This chapter may seem a bit unfocused, but it plays several important roles in setting up some upcoming storylines. We're almost at the end of season three. There are some things that happened in the show that will happen in this fic, some things that happened in the show that will not happen in this fic and some things that didn't happen in the show that will happen in this fic. I won't promise an update soon, because it seems every time I do that, something goes horribly wrong and it takes a month. The good news is, I seem to be obsessed with the Olympics, which means I am at home, on the couch, available to be doing some writing. I spent Saturday and Sunday typing between slalom rounds...**_

_**Go Team Canada!!!!!**_

After waking to find the other side of the bed empty, but the sheets still warm, Meredith stumbled across the hall for a quick shower. She then pulled on jeans and a long sleeved tee, and moved the new addition to her left hand from her finger to a chain, that she latched around her neck. It had still only been a few days. She hadn't worn the ring to the hospital, but found she liked having it with her.

She had been wearing the ring around her neck at work, which was...kind of nice. Almost like a secret. Her friends knew she and Derek were engaged. And Mark. And Burke. And she suspected Bailey knew. Other than that, there had been some rumours floating around the hospital, probably originating from those who had been at Joe's that night, but no one seemed to know for sure. And no one had asked, though Meredith had gotten some suspicious looks, as had her left hand.

It was nice to have a secret from the hospital, even though she was sure it wouldn't last long.

With a sigh, Meredith headed downstairs, in search of her fiancé. They didn't have to be at work until late morning, so she was pretty sure she knew where to find him.

The sight that greeted her in the kitchen was of no surprise anymore. Derek was sitting at the table, newspaper strewn in front of him while he nursed a cup of coffee. Susan sat across from him, with her own cup of coffee. The two of them were talking animatedly, and a number of partially full grocery bags lay across the counters.

"Morning," Meredith greeted, heading straight for the coffee maker.

"Morning, Meredith," Susan returned warmly.

"You know, you really don't have to keep bringing groceries," she said, taking in the many, many bags surrounding her as she poured herself a full cup of coffee.

"I know I don't have to; I like to."

"We are capable of getting our own food." She turned back towards the kitchen table, heading for the empty seat next to Derek.

"If you don't want me to come here-" Susan began, her voice faltering.

Meredith cut her off with a smile and shook her head as she sat. "I just meant, you don't need to use groceries as an excuse to come here. You're welcome here whenever you want."

Susan swallowed hard and nodded before she responded. "Thank you, Meredith."

For a long moment, Meredith met Susan's eyes, before the intensity became too much, and she turned towards Derek. "How come you didn't wake me up?"

Derek chuckled. "I tried. You hissed that you'd kill me if I didn't leave you alone."

She made a face as the barest hint of a memory came to her. "Yeah, sorry about that."

He shrugged and leaned close to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm used to it."

She rolled her eyes as both her fiancé and her step mother laughed at her. "I'm an intern. I need my sleep when I can get it."

Susan offered her a smile. "We need to introduce you to Lexie soon. She's about to start her internship. The two of you could commiserate together."

The name of her unmet half-sister made her falter. She had never met Lexie, nor had she seen Molly or Laura since they had been released from the hospital. Susan, she was getting to know, and was enjoying the new relationship. Molly and Lexie, however, were reminders of what she hadn't had growing up. And she wasn't sure if she was ready for that kind of a relationship.

"I'm sorry," Susan said quickly. "It's too soon. I just...I forget sometimes. I've been getting to know you, and I...I feel like we're getting close. I'm just trying to... Lexie and Molly. This isn't their fault. None of this is their fault. And I really think...I really think you'd like them."

Meredith felt Derek's hand land on her knee, and she placed her hand on his, taking his support. "Maybe one day," she finally said. "But not right now. I'm not ready yet."

Susan nodded. "One day," she echoed. "Maybe at Christmas? That gives us plenty of time. Hopefully Lexie will be able to get some time off. And Eric should be home. You haven't met him either. Molly and him, and Laura of course, will be visiting I'm sure."

"That sounds like a good amount of time," Meredith responded, feeling more comfortable. This would give her six months to get used to the idea of being a sister.

Susan smiled. "I know you kids will probably have your own plans for Christmas day, but..." She trailed off when both Meredith and Derek laughed. "What did I say?"

"We'll probably be working," Derek explained.

"Right," Susan said with a chuckle. "Well, regardless of what you're up to on Christmas day, maybe we could all get together at some point during the holidays? Have a family dinner? It would be really nice."

Meredith squeezed Derek's hand and nodded. "Okay." She could do this. Susan was really nice, so her daughters had to be nice too. Maybe she really could be part of a family; a real family, that she was actually related to.

Susan smiled warmly, her eyes welling ever so slightly. "It's really amazing, you know? I don't have much family, myself. And only a few years ago, it was just me, Thatcher and the two girls. And now I have a son-in-law, a granddaughter," she looked to Meredith, "a step daughter and..." she hesitated as she moved her gaze to Derek.

"Step son-in-law?" Meredith offered, with a shrug and a small smile.

Susan faltered ever so slightly, her eyes flickering back and forth between Meredith and Derek suspiciously.

"Well, step son-in-law _to be_," Derek added, also smiling.

"Are...are you two engaged?" Susan asked, without really needing to. "For how long?"

"Just a few days," Meredith responded, leaning into Derek as he wrapped an arm around her.

"Well, congratulations," Susan said, jumping up.

Meredith just managed to stand herself, when Susan pulled her into a tight hug. "I'm so happy for you."

"Thank-you," Meredith whispered, hugging her back. It was nice; maybe even her first experience with a truly maternal hug.

"This is so exciting," Susan said as she released Meredith and moved to hug Derek.

"I'd tell you welcome to the family, but I'm pretty sure it's me that's being welcomed by the two of you."

"Well, we like you," Derek responded easily, "Especially the groceries."

Susan laughed as she released him, and all three sat back down.

"Have you set a date yet?"

Meredith groaned and buried her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry, have I overstepped again?"

"No; you're just the hundredth or so person to ask us that."

"And you're so overwhelmed that you haven't had a chance to sit down and begin to make any decisions?"

"Exactly."

"Do you have any ideas yet?"

Both Meredith and Derek shook their heads.

"We're not really big wedding people," Meredith explained, "But we want..."

"Something," Derek supplied.

"Well, I can give you a hand if you want. I helped Molly and Eric plan their wedding. They kept it pretty small."

Meredith offered her a smile. "Thanks, Susan. That would be really great."

**

A little over an hour later, Meredith leaned back in the comfortable passenger seat of Derek's car, as he drove them to work.

"You know," Derek began, "If we get Susan to help us with the wedding, we'll have to invite her."

She shrugged. "That's okay. It's good for me."

"It's good for you?"

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. "Compared to your immediate family alone, I'm way behind in potential guests."

He laughed. "It's not a competition."

"Not a close one."

He laughed again and reached for her hand. "The only person I want to be there is you."

She smiled over at him. "You're being very corny this week."

"You agreed to marry me this week; I think it's allowed."

"Good, cause I kind of like it. This week anyway."

Derek squeezed her hand. "It's been a good week."

She squeezed his hand back.

He sighed. "You do realize that if we invite Susan, we can't not invite Thatcher."

"I thought about that..."

"And?"

She shrugged. "And maybe it won't be so bad."

He glanced at her, surprise written on his face.

"Don't look so surprised. I'm growing, or whatever."

"I just thought your response would be a little more...hesitant."

"I'm growing," she repeated. "And Susan is great. I think having him at the wedding would be okay. I mean, there's no way in hell I'm letting him walk me down the aisle or anything...if we even have an aisle... But he could be there."

"That's big of you."

"What can I say? I'm feeling very optimistic lately."

"Do you think the Christmas thing is a good idea?"

She nodded. "I do. I think...having a family would be really nice."

They stopped at a red light, and Derek leaned over to kiss her. "You have a family, Meredith."

She kissed him back before the sounds of a horn blaring behind them had Derek waving a hand in apology and quickly driving through the intersection.

"I know I have a family," she eventually agreed. She glances at him, "Trust me, Derek, I am well aware of the people I do have in my life. The people I can trust." She smiled at him, "Especially you."

"Good."

"I just...you have a family, Derek. You should understand. I want to be able to call people I'm actually related to my family. It would be nice to have...parents, even if I'm not all that close to them."

"Meredith-"

"I've never had parents before," she cut in, "Not since I was five. And even then...I knew something was wrong. And then, after we moved to Boston, I knew my mother didn't want me around. But now...I really feel like Susan wants me around. And maybe I could find some kind of understanding with Thatcher."

"And Molly and Lexie?"

"It's like Susan said; none of this is their fault. And Molly was nice."

He laid his hand on her thigh. "I'll be here, Meredith, for whatever you want to do about them. I'll be right here beside you."

She lay her hand on his and squeezed. "I believe you."

Eyes still on the road ahead of them, he smiled. "And you say I'm the one being sappy this week."

Despite the urge to roll her eyes, she smiled too. "It's contagious; I had to pick it up eventually. And I'm not half as bad as you."

Derek made a growling noise in the back of his throat, but didn't respond.

Meredith giggled. "I like the sappy this week," she reminded.

"Good," he began, "Because it may last another week." He flashed her a smile. "I kind of don't want this feeling to end."

She sighed and squeezed his hand.

**

A day and a half later, the feeling still hadn't so much as decreased in magnitude. Meredith sat, again, in the passenger seat of Derek's car as he navigated through the parking deck of the ferry. Once he had parked and turned off the car, he turned to her, offering a gentle smile. "Do you want to go up?"

She nodded. "Sure."

Silently, they exited the car and met behind it, latching hands as they walked together to the stairs that would lead them to the passenger deck. They had only been out to the trailer once since her accident, and although this time on the ferry was much less tense than the last, it still wasn't nearly as light hearted as it had once been.

Arriving at the stairs, Meredith dropped Derek's hand and took the lead as she climbed the two flights of stairs and pushed open the heavy door. Despite the good weather, it was cold out on the deck. A strong gust of air hit her, causing her shoulders to rise and her arms to wrap around her abdomen.

Maybe it wasn't just the weather.

The greyish water stretched out in front of her, with only a few feet of metal floor and a relatively low railing separating them. She closed her eyes as a chill ran up her spine. _The water had been so cold_.

Derek's strong arm was around her middle the moment he stepped out of the stairwell beside her, and she felt warm. He paused and sighed, also taking in the sight before; also remembering how cold the water had been. "Come on," he whispered, his lips hovering for a moment by her ear.

Hooking her own arm around the sturdy middle of her fiancé, and gripping to the back of his jacket with her fingers, Meredith walked beside him towards the bow of the ferry. As uncomfortable as it may be for the two of them, it was unspoken that they needed to do this, that they needed to face the water.

Glad to have Derek between her and the railing, Meredith allowed her fingers to loosen their hold on the back of his jacket. She could do this. With him beside her, she could do anything.

When they reached the front of the boat, they hesitated together. The position that had once been so normal for them – Meredith against the railing with Derek behind, his arms on either side of her as he anchored them in place – now seemed impossibly difficult.

Tentatively, Meredith approached the rail. The metal was cold under her fingers. _So cold._ Just like the water. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, reminding her brain that she could breathe; reminding her fear that she could breathe.

The water seemed ominous and vast before her, so she closed her eyes, breathing again. Derek's chest pushed up against her back, his hands brushing her sides as they tucked under her arms and reached for the railing.

His chin came to rest on her shoulder, and together they sighed. She leaned back against him, seeking comfort.

"How bad is it?" He whispered.

"An eight," she said honestly. She wasn't overwhelmed, but she knew he was the only thing keeping her standing in this moment. "You?"

"Maybe an eight point five."

The very corner of her lips curled up. "Always a competition."

A breathy chuckle escaped his lips, awkward, but there. Together, they now breathed a bit easier. If they could find a way to banter, it meant things were going to be okay. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"Now who's competitive?"

"Hmm," she murmured, finally venturing to open her eyes. The view was...not as bad as before. Maybe she was only at a seven now. The boat rumbled beneath them, the engines starting up, ready to be underway. And she was back at an eight, maybe a nine, her eyes scrunched shut.

His arms tightened around her and his breath was warm against the side of her neck. "Breathe, Mer," he whispered.

She nodded timidly, forcing her lungs to exhale the breath they had taken hostage.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The nine became an eight.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The eight became a seven.

Inhale.

Exhale.

She opened her eyes again and released an irritated huff. "This should be easier."

"It will be," he promised, his body still so tightly pressed to hers.

It was cold, but she had warmth supporting her. The air was thick, but she could breathe. There was no one around, but she wasn't alone. She was alive. She was dealing with the fear. With the memories.

She was just about to tell Derek she was okay with him loosening his grip a little, when she glanced down to the railing. His knuckles were white, stretched across the cold metal separating them from the water.

With a deep breath, she slowly released her own grip on the railing, trusting his support, and carefully laid her left hand down on his. With the right, she reached back over her shoulder, finding the side of Derek's head, and offering as close to a hug as she could from their awkward position. He used the action to press the side of his face to hers, his chin still resting on her shoulder. She buried her fingers in his curls and together they breathed once more.

"I'm here," she heard herself whisper.

His cheek rubbed up and down against hers. "Me too."

Tears welled in her eyes, only partially a product of the wind now hitting them head on as the ferry began its journey across the cold, grey water. "I really do love you, Derek."

His chin shifted forward and seemed to hook against her clavicle, as if hugging her from behind. "I love you so much, Meredith."

They were underway now, fully up to speed. The vibrations under their feet had been adjusted to and forgotten about. Meredith was warm and safe and secure.

The seven was slowly becoming a six.

And, for this trip, maybe a six was as low as she would get. But that was okay.

Very gradually, their need to be so close and still together lessened. Derek shifted, allowing Meredith to lean back against him. Her hand dropped from his hair and came to rest above his on the railing.

"This is okay," Meredith finally uttered. "We can do this."

"We _are_ doing this," he corrected.

"Yeah..." She closed her eyes again, but not out of fear. Out of choice. She didn't have to hide from the water and she didn't have to force herself to face it. She could simply revel in the warmth of the man she loved in the face of all the bad she had once almost succumbed to.

"This is going to get easier," she said suddenly, fiercely. "We like ferry boats. We like staring out over the railing at the water together."

"I think I'm down to a six," he offered.

She smiled. "Me too."

"And that's okay for this trip."

"Mmm," she agreed.

"Do you want to go inside?"

She gazed out at the water for a long moment, before nodding and turning in his arms. His eyes, although darker than normal, were calm and settled evenly on hers. She smiled and reached one hand to his chest, her fingers taking a handful of his jacket as she pulled him down the few inches to her level. And she kissed him, more warmth enveloping her, holding her. Giving her strength.

"We have to get over this," she stated strongly after they had pulled away.

He raised an eyebrow at her tone. "Why?"

She smirked. "Otherwise we'll never get through our list," she said, reminding him of the list they had spent months adding activities to and crossing off. The list had taken a backburner after her accident as they had dealt with her recovery, her mother's death, his fears, her insecurities, Susan and Thatcher, and finally, their engagement.

Things were evening out now. Only a little more than a week was left before the intern exam. Followed by two weeks off, where they would cross off the list many more things.

"And what item are we specifically talking about?" They hadn't mentioned their list in weeks, but he knew exactly what she was talking about.

She leaned into his strong chest. "Having sex on a ferry boat."

He released a breathy chuckle as he remembered. "That's right. You know, we should really sit down and make a real list." He leaned down to peck her lips. "That way we won't forget anything important."

"We won't forget anything," she promised, thinking of more than just sex on a ferry boat. And she meant it. They were going to do every activity on their virtual list. No matter how scary or intimidating.

And one in particular was going to be scary.

She smiled up at the man she trusted more than anyone else in the world. "Let's go inside."

He smiled down at her, securing an arm around her, and together they made their way across the deck and out of the cold.


	75. Chapter 75

When Meredith opened her eyes she was warm and comfortable and happy. Derek's arm was hooked loosely over her abdomen and his bare chest was pressed against her back. Their legs were intertwined. The trailer mattress was just as comfortable as she had remembered, and the air around them was crisp and clear. The light from the rising sun was encroaching just enough to catch the ring on her left hand, the sparkle catching her eyes.

Everything was perfect.

But Meredith knew what she would have to do today. She closed her eyes and revelled for a long moment, absorbing all the happiness and warmth and strength that she could, because she knew she would need it for what she had to do that morning. For what she knew they both needed to do. The previous evening on the ferry had been challenging, but it wasn't enough. There was one particular item on their list that needed to be addressed. And it needed to be addressed now, before they went away, so that they could check off another item when they were away.

She was determined not to let her accident affect her future; _their _future.

With a deep breath, she shifted in Derek's arms, stretching her legs down against his. "Derek..." She mumbled.

He mumbled something incomprehensible in response.

She smiled as he buried his face in the back of her neck. Of the two, he was definitely the morning person; always bright and annoying cheerful when they were up for work long before the sun. He had trouble sleeping in while within the city limits, but here, out in the wilderness at his trailer, he slept deeper. Once, much earlier in their relationship, she had woken before him, had a shower and set to making breakfast without him so much as twitching. He had only woken when a string of curses reached his ears from the kitchen. She hadn't been allowed to cook breakfast unattended after that...

"Derek," she cooed. "Time to wake up."

He growled and shook his head.

She giggled and turned in his arms. "It's late."

He slowly opened one eye, and then the other. "Sometimes I don't like your internal intern alarm..."

She laughed and kissed him. "Me neither. But it's not that early, so you can't blame it this morning."

With a groan, he leaned in to kiss her again.

She kissed him back, but stopped him before a third kiss could be initiated. "You need to brush your teeth."

He made a face, and kissed her cheek before rolling away and heading for the bathroom.

Slowly getting out of bed herself, Meredith shivered at the sudden blast of cold air against her bare body. She pulled on her panties and the shirt Derek had been wearing the day before. She did up two buttons and wandered into the kitchen.

They had brought enough food with them to get through their one day weekend. Fishing through the fridge, she pulled out the eggs and other ingredients he would use to make them omelettes and set them on the counter.

Derek exited the bathroom wearing boxers and an old college tee. His eyes heated as they took in her appearance. Her tousled hair. Her body; bare save for his shirt.

She breathed, still taken aback by the intensity of his stares at times. She had never been so wanted before. So cherished.

"Your turn," he finally said, his voice rough.

She scooted past him and into the bathroom, quickly using the toilet and washing her hands before reaching for her toothbrush. She brushed for longer than usual, staring into her own gaze as she tried to convince herself of what she needed to do today. Derek wouldn't want to do it, she knew. She would have to convince them both. It was necessary, but she knew she would want to back out when the time came.

And he would let her.

After the minty-ness of her toothpaste had long since stopped tasting, she rinsed her mouth and joined Derek in the kitchen.

The omelettes were well under way as she took her normal position, sitting on the counter far enough from the stove that she wouldn't get burned but close enough that she kept Derek company.

"Am I allowed to kiss you now?" He asked, setting down his spatula.

She smirked as he sidled up to her, stepping between her legs, his arms snaking around her waist. Her hands ran up his chest to his shoulders on their own accord, and she hooked her heels around the backs of his legs to keep him close.

Derek skilfully closed his lips over hers, kissing her good morning.

"Derek...food..." She finally had to mutter between kisses.

He groaned and pulled away in time to save the omelettes from being burnt.

"Careful, Derek," she chastised jokingly, "We want to be able to eat our breakfast..."

He grumbled and sent her a sideways glare as he expertly scooped the omelettes onto plates. "I'd like to see you do better."

With a giggle, she hopped off the counter and ran a hand along his back as she passed him to get two sets of cutlery out of the drawer beside the stove. "I'm not allowed, remember?"

He chuckled. "I do. You tried to burn down my home."

She smacked him on his side as she walked back past him. "This isn't your home."

With a growl, he caught her just before she was out of reach, causing her to squeak in surprise and drop the cutlery as she suddenly found herself pulled against his chest with his arms wrapped tightly around her. "You're being neurotic again..." He whispered against her ear.

"I'm not," she countered, unable to say more.

He pressed his lips against the side of her neck. "Very, very neurotic," he murmured before kissing her neck again.

Finally finding her voice again, Meredith turned in his arms. "_I_ am not the one who forgot where my home was."

He chuckled. "I didn't forget. That morning, when you almost burned down the trailer-"

"I did not almost burn down the trailer," she cut him off. "There was a small...cooking related incident. I had everything under control."

"You were looking for a fire extinguisher."

She made a face. "Only in case things got out of control."

"Oh, things were out of control. I had to get new oven mitts."

She scoffed. "We're getting off topic. The point is, maybe the trailer was your home back then-"

"The trailer was never my home." It was his turn to cut her off. "It was never my home," he repeated, his face breaking out into his trademark smile; complete with the sparkle in his eye that told her he was letting her in without any of his walls up at all.

Her heart skipped a beat just the way it did every time he looked at her like that. "Derek..."

Still smiling, he cocked his head to the side. "I was in Seattle for four days before I met you," he whispered. "The trailer is where I stayed for a while, where _we_ stay together sometimes, but it has never been home."

"But..." She began, before trailing off when she realized she had nothing to say.

He cupped her cheek with his warm hand. "Without being accused of being sappy again...my life changed the moment I met you, Meredith. You're home to me. It doesn't matter where I am; if you're there it's home."

With tears in her eyes, she leaned into the hand that was still cupping her face. She inhaled raggedly, suddenly feeling a lump in her throat, and lifted her hand to rest over his; sandwiching it between her cheek and her palm. "That..." She stammered. "That... was very sappy," she finally managed to get out.

Derek chuckled, his eyes suddenly taking on a moist look. Without moving his hand from her cheek, he brushed his thumb under her eye, absorbing the lone tear she hadn't even realized had fallen. "Maybe. But it's true."

Meredith pushed forward, leaning her forehead against Derek's chin and pressing her nose into his neck, breathing him in. The intensity was getting to her, making her chest feel like it was shrinking. But not in a way that made her want to run like she would have a year ago. Now, when she felt like this, she pulled herself closer to the man making her feel it, knowing he would understand. Knowing it was okay to be so vulnerable.

He closed his arms around her, holding her loosely.

"Me too," she finally managed to whisper. "I...me too."

He ran a hand up and down her spine. "I've never felt like this before."

"Me neither," she whispered. And it was true. She'd never felt such a sense of belonging before. She'd never felt loved and wanted. She'd never felt so safe. In a heartbeat she removed her forehead from his chin and pressed her lips fiercely against his, needing to feel him even closer.

It only took another heartbeat for him to respond. And suddenly they were moving together towards the bedroom, their breakfast forgotten.

**

"Well, cold omelettes aren't that bad," Meredith offered, over an hour later, when she and Derek were finally sitting down to breakfast.

He offered her a smile before taking a bite. "They'd be a lot better if they were hot, but I like what we did while they got cold..."

She smiled back at him. "Me too."

He made a face as he took a second, cold, bite. "So, what do you want to do today...other than the obvious, of course," he said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Swallowing the swell of anxiety she felt at the question of what they would do today, Meredith forced a smile to her face. "One track mind much?"

"Only around you."

"We can do that," she agreed easily. "But there is one other thing I want- need," she corrected. "There's something I need to do."

He set down his fork, his expression suddenly filled with concern.

"And I need for you to help me; to make sure I...do what I need to do."

"Meredith," he spoke her name softly. "What are we talking about?"

She sighed and looked away from his eyes for a moment. "I need you to help me."

"Hey," he reached out, grasping his fingers around her forearm, drawing her eyes back to his. "I'll do anything for you, Meredith. You're worrying me. What's going on?"

She stood suddenly, brushing her hand over his shoulder as she walked past him, silently communicating that she would be right back.

The small plastic bag was right where she had stashed it, hidden at the bottom of her duffel bag. She pulled it out and felt the plastic crinkle around the objects within in. And then, before she could talk herself out of it, she walked back to the kitchen and deposited the bag in Derek's lap.

"What is..." He trailed off when he dumped the contents of the bag onto the table beside his plate, revealing the mask and snorkel she had promised to buy him so many months before, back when they had first come up with their list. He shook his head, immediately understanding what she was planning. "No."

"Derek."

"No," he repeated. "No, Meredith."

"It's on the list, Derek. You promised to teach me how to swim."

He sighed heavily, saying nothing.

Arms wrapped around her torso, Meredith sat back down on her side of the table. "We're supposed to go snorkelling in three weeks," she reminded. "It's on out list."

"We can do it another time."

"No," she whispered fiercely. "I can't let my accident control any parts of my life, of _our_ life. I won't let it, Derek. I refuse to let one horrible day stop us from being happy."

He stood and slid his chair around the end of the table so that he could sit right beside her, his arms wrapping securely around her. "Nothing is going to stop us from being happy."

She leaned into him, grasping at his shirt with her fingers. "I close my eyes and I think back, and I can still feel the water, Derek, and the fear," she whispered into his chest. "I want to be able to remember being in the water as a good thing.

He rested his head on hers. "I don't want to do this."

"I don't either. But we need to do this. We _can_ do this," she assured, lifting her head to meet his eyes. She reached for his hand and grasped it tightly, before repeating, "We can do this."

"We could just do it another time. We don't have to go snorkelling on this trip."

"Yeah, we do," she countered quietly. "We can't let my accident stop any of our plans."

"Not stop. Just delay."

"I need to do this, Derek."

"But-"

"I don't want to be afraid anymore."

His brow furrowed as his eyes welled.

"Please," she added.

He pulled her head back to his chest in response, holding her tight to him. "Okay," he finally whispered into the top of her head. "Okay, I...we can go swimming. I don't want to, but we can."

Tears sprang to her eyes and she buried her face into his chest, her arms wrapped tightly around him. She hadn't been sure she would be able to convince him; and she hadn't been sure she wanted to convince him. "I'm scared," she whispered.

If it were possible, his arms tightened around her even further. "We're going to fix that," he promised.

**

Meredith stood a few feet from the edge of the dock, her arms wrapped protectively around her middle, a seemingly constant shiver running down her spine as took in the water that seemed to be all around her. Dark. Cold. Deceptively smooth. The sun was shining brightly, reflecting off the water in splashes of colour and light.

She heard the soft footsteps behind her, and felt a wave of relief as strong arms enveloped her from behind.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Derek asked softly, his chin resting on her shoulder.

She clutched at his hands. "No."

He sighed heavily. "I'm here."

"I know."

He rubbed his cheek against hers, and remained silent for a long moment, before turning her in his arms and meeting her eyes. "I made you a promise," he reminded, offering her a smile. "It's going to be okay."

She offered him a wobbly smile. "I believe you."

He kissed her quickly, like a habit, before grasping her hand and leading her back down the dock. "Come on."

Once back on solid ground, Meredith turned once more to face the water. There was a delay before Derek's arms wrapped around her waist again, and this time his chest was bare. She knew without looking that he had stripped down to his bathing suit. He didn't want to do this, she knew, but he would do it for her. He would do anything for her.

He would take care of her today. She trusted him.

"It's going to be okay, right?"

Derek swayed them side to side. "It will," he assured. "We'll take it easy today. We'll have other opportunities after this." With a kiss to the side of her neck, he released her.

"What do we do now?" She hesitated, turning partway to the side, so she could turn her head to see both Derek and the water.

"Well, first, you have to take off your clothes," he murmured, smirking at her as he reached for the hem of her shirt. "And this might be my favourite part..."

She allowed a short giggle as he pulled her shirt over her head, revealing the bathing suit she had purchased months ago, in preparation for their trip.

"And now the pants..." He continued, reaching for the fly of her jeans.

Swatting away his hands, she undid the buttons and shimmied the jeans over her hips, letting them fall to the ground and stepping out of them. When she looked up to meet Derek's eyes, they were dark and filled with worry. But he was offering her a supportive smile.

He didn't want to do this.

But he would do anything for her.

And she trusted him.

They could do this.

"Okay," she murmured. "Now what?"

He reached for her hand and squeezed. "Now we get wet."

A nervous laugh escaped from somewhere deep inside her chest. "I..."

"I'll be there the whole time," he assured, tugging on her hand as he moved closer to the uneven line where the water met the ground. He recognized her sudden hesitation for what it was, and he knew when she needed a push.

Meredith let him lead her to the brink of the water, and together they stopped so that just their toes got wet.

She stared out at the water and sucked in a breath. "I think this is enough for today," she attempted a joke.

He chuckled, his hand still gripping tightly to hers. "Let's go a bit further."

She shuffled forward, the coldness of the water covering her foot, passing her ankle and slowly creeping up her calves. They stopped again, the water hovering just past their knees.

"This isn't so bad," she admitted. Her heart was thumping heavily in her chest, but she wasn't suffering from the heart wrenching pain and fear she had been expecting. She felt surprisingly safe; something she knew had everything to do with the unwavering support from the man beside her.

"Do you want to go further?"

"In a minute. I just...this is okay. I want to just...be here for a minute."

Dropping her hand, he wrapped his arms around her from the side, resting his chin on her shoulder and pressing his face into the side of her head. "I'm glad this is okay."

"Me too. It's not as scary as I thought it would be."

"Mmm, it's not," he agreed. His embrace was snug and secure, but not tight and desperate. He was taking the time to adjust as well.

"Okay, two more steps," she finally spoke up.

He released her and reached for her hand again, letting her set the pace as they pushed forward.

The water level slowly moved up past her knees. Up her thighs. Over he waist. When she finally came to a stop again, the water was high along her abdomen.

"That was definitely more than two steps," Derek commented, keeping the mood light.

"I was on a roll," she retorted.

"A good roll," he murmured, kissing her cheek.

"It's cold," she commented, shivering slightly; at the temperature only, and not out of fear.

He made a face. "It is. Going in slowly is hard. It's far easier to just jump in."

"Maybe next time..."

He chuckled. "Try crouching down a bit. It'll help." He did so himself, shrinking down in the water so that he was submerged past his shoulders.

Clutching extra tight to his hand, she crouched down as well, until the water reached her neckline. She paused and counted to five, before standing upright again and taking a deep breath, knowing what was next.

Derek shuffled them forward, before turning and facing her, taking her other hand and continuing to move backwards.

She hesitated before looking up to meet his eyes, overwhelmed with the trust she felt. And slowly, she allowed him to urge her forward. The water level rose past her abdomen, past her chest, to her shoulders.

The water passed her shoulders and she stopped, needing a minute.

"It's okay," he murmured. "I've got you."

"I know. I just need...a minute."

While the water was up just past her shoulders, with Derek's superior height, it hovered just below his shoulders. "When you're ready..."

It was time to take that last leap. She wasn't as scared as she had expected to be, but it was still a scary thing to be doing. Memories of the last time she had been in the water flashed behind her eyes, but she wasn't overwhelmed with the fear and desperation she had once felt. Derek had been there for her last time when she needed him most. And he was here with her the whole time this time.

She shifted her weight side to side as she prepared herself for the leap she knew she needed to make, knowing he would be there to catch her.

"I'm here," he reminded, his eyes no longer pinched and dark and filled with worry. This wasn't as bad as either of them thought it would be. He tugged gently on her hands, urging her without forcing her. He would be there to catch her.

"I know," she whispered in response. He would always be there. Clutching tightly to his hands, she leaned forward and carefully lifted her feet off the floor of the pond.

And then, with Derek's support, she was floating.

It wasn't nearly as cold as last time. Her heart was beating strongly in her chest, but she wasn't afraid. The waves were low and quiet, not strong and high, knocking her around like last time.

And, most importantly, Derek was here the whole time, and not just in her thoughts. Last time she had wished him there with her. This time he was there with her by choice, his gaze and smile unwavering.


	76. Chapter 76

Meredith groaned and burrowed her head against the soft pillow beneath her head and pulled the sheets up to her face, trying to block out the ring tone that was cutting through the otherwise quiet morning air. The ringing stopped and she sighed, inhaling the comforting scent of Derek and herself wafting from the worn sheets. Her mind began to drift and she felt herself falling back to sleep. She and Derek didn't need to be in to the hospital until late morning, and she wanted to take full advantage of the opportunity to sleep in.

The ringing sounded again, and she sighed, fully awake once more. Her cell had rung several times. Obviously whoever was calling her wasn't about to stop trying. With a defeated sigh, she unlatched Derek's arm from around her middle. Still asleep, he moaned his unhappiness in having her leave his embrace and clutched to her.

"Seriously," Meredith muttered, struggling to stay out of his grip. Once she was standing, she shoved her pillow into his arms and smiled as he pulled it close against his chest and fell silent and still once more. Their first swimming lesson the previous day, although not as heart wrenchingly terrifying as expected, had still been stressful on them both. After returning to the trailer, they had shared a shower and spent the afternoon in bed, only leaving for nourishment.

When she had finally fallen asleep the night before – possibly sometime early that morning – Derek had been holding her just as tightly as he had been when the phone ringing had first woken her that morning.

The phone rang again, and Meredith huffed, pulling on her pants and one of Derek's sweatshirts before padding quickly to the small living room and fishing her cell phone out of her purse. The caller ID told her it was her best friend.

"What?" She hissed into the phone.

"Finally! What they hell took you so long. I'm in hell, Meredith. I need you to save me."

"What's going on? And what's that noise?"

"It's the shower."

"You're calling me while you're in the shower?"

"No!" Cristina hissed. "I'm hiding out in the bathroom; the shower is my cover. They're invading my apartment, Meredith. I have nowhere else to go!"

"Who's invading your apartment?" Meredith whispered, glancing towards the bedroom, where Derek was silent and still. This was obviously going to be a long conversation, and she didn't want to wake him. She shoved her feet into her sneakers, grabbed the throw blanket off the small couch and let herself out onto the deck.

"Mother and Mama!" Cristina exclaimed. "Mother _and _Mama are here, Meredith! What am I supposed to do?"

"Mother _and_ Mama?" Meredith repeated. "I don't understand..."

"My mother and Burke's Mama!"

"Oh, _Mama_... I got you know. Why are they here?"

"To plan the freaking wedding!"

"I thought you were getting married at city hall?"

"That's what I thought!"

"Okay, Cristina, seriously, you need to stop yelling. I can hear you perfectly fine."

"I'm freaking out, Meredith. I'm freaking out. It's early. And they're here. And there are flowers everywhere. And bridesmaids. They're talking about bridesmaids. I need you. How soon can you come and rescue me?"

Meredith sighed and sat on one of the deck chairs, ensuring the blanket was wrapped around her, protecting her from the cold of the morning. "Cristina I'm at the trailer. I can't just rush back into town."

"Why not?"

"You woke me up. Derek is still asleep. There's just no way. Plus, what exactly do you expect me to do? Break you out of your bathroom? You'll have to face them at some point."

"I hate you."

"You just hate me for being rational."

"I don't know what to do."

"Well, for starters, pretending to be in the shower only works for so long. Eventually they're going to know you're hiding. In fact, they probably already do."

"I still hate you."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Turn the shower off and face them, Cristina."

"It's not fair. Why don't you have to go through this too?"

"Well, for starters, my mother is dead. And Derek's mother in hundred of miles away."

"I thought Burke's mother was hundreds of miles away! Why is she here?"

"Because she's Burke's mother. Did you think you'd never have to see her again?"

"I hoped I wouldn't. The woman scares me, Meredith."

"Well, it's time to face your fears."

"I can't go out there. Did I mention the flowers? They're everywhere. There's no surface area left in the kitchen."

"Flowers aren't that bad," Meredith pointed out. "They're pretty and they smell nice. And they don't live very long, so you don't have to have them for much longer."

"You're not getting the point."

"You're right. I'm not."

"I don't do mothers and flowers and bridesmaids and dresses. I agreed to city hall. City hall! Why is this happening?"

"Have you tried talking to Burke?"

"Of course not! He's enjoying this. They're torturing me, and he's enjoying it."

"You need to talk to Burke."

"I can't. They're hovering; like lions going in for the kill. I'm as good as dead, Meredith."

"Okay, overdramatic much? Seriously. You're a grown up, Cristina. You're a surgeon. You can face your mother and your soon-to-be mother in law. And tell Burke how you feel."

"I hate you."

"If you really hated me, you would have hung up the first time you said it."

"Will you page me?"

"What?"

"Wait a few minutes, and then page me so I can escape?"

"Cristina..."

"Please," she begged; something so out of character it threw Meredith off. "I can't deal with this, just not now. Not like this. Not when they corner me first thing in the morning in Burke's apartment. Let me be at the hospital."

She huffed. "Fine. How long?"

"Five minutes." And she hung up.

Meredith rolled her eyes as she ended the call on her side. "A thank-you would be nice, but whatever..."

"Talking to yourself again, Dr. Grey?"

She jumped slightly and snapped her neck to the side to meet Derek's amused gaze. The door to the trailer was open and he was leaning against the opening, smirking at having caught her again. She hadn't even heard the door open.

"Shut up. I was talking to Cristina."

He sidled towards her and leaned down for a kiss.

She smiled as she kissed him back, happy that he had already brushed his teeth.

"What's up with Cristina?" He asked, sandwiching himself between her and the arm of the chair.

Meredith manoeuvred so that she was sitting half beside him and half on him. "She's freaking out. Her mother and Burke's mother showed up this morning. She was hiding in the bathroom pretending to be having a shower."

"Mmm," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her. "Why?"

"Because she's Cristina. And her mother and Burke's mother are combining to help plan the wedding." She snorted. "They actually have her cowering in the bathroom."

"I didn't think Cristina cowered from anything."

"She doesn't do weddings. They were going to just go to city hall, but I guess now there's going to be an actual ceremony or whatever. She doesn't know how to deal. I promised to page her, to get her out of this morning."

He chuckled and pressed a soft kiss against the side of her neck. "I think that's cheating."

She made a face. "How is it cheating? It's not a game."

"Do you two do this often?"

"Well, Cristina was supposed to page me when we went to dinner at Susan and Thatcher's, but she forgot."

"I remember. You should get her back."

"Hmm, I _should_ get her back," Meredith contemplated, rolling her phone in her fingers.

Derek chuckled and pressed his lips to her cheek. "Evil. I like it."

She giggled and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Maybe I'll just wait an extra five minutes. Make her sweat."

He smirked. "Make it ten."

**

"Some maid on honour you are," Cristina hissed as she collapsed against the counter of the Nurses' Station beside Meredith. "I waited for hours for you to page me."

"It was like fifteen minutes."

"Whatever. I waited."

"I wanted to make it look more natural. Who gets paged right after getting out of a fake shower?"

"The desperate kind!"

"This isn't as bad as you- wait. Maid of honour?"

"Yes. You're my maid of honour. I need you."

"Do I even get a choice in this?"

"No."

Meredith made a choice. "I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to get a choice."

"I don't get a choice in being the bride, so you don't get a choice in being my maid of honour."

"Fine. But I'm not wearing a dress."

"Yes, you are. And," Cristina continued before Meredith could cut in, "that's not by my choice. That's Mama's choice."

Meredith grumbled and shook her head. "I hate Mama..."

"Thanks for finally coming over to my side."

They were cut off when Izzy came bouncing over to the counter beside them. "When are we leaving?"

"We're not going anywhere unless they drag me kicking and screaming."

"Where are we going?" Meredith questioned.

"Dress shopping!" Izzy exclaimed. "This afternoon we get to go dress shopping!"

"Not if mother and mama can't find us."

"Wait, now we have to go dress shopping?" Meredith complained.

"Come on Cristina," Izzy prompted, ignoring Meredith. "Where's your wedding spirit."

"Iz, I think you have enough for all three of us," Meredith commented.

Izzy nodded. "I even switched my hours at the clinic so I could go dress shopping _all_ afternoon. Yay!"

Meredith and Cristina made matching faces of disgust.

"She just cheered," Cristina whined, turning to Meredith.

"You're really not being bride-y."

"I am not a bride. I am a surgeon."

"Don't bug her," Meredith warned. "I already had to talk her out of her hiding spot in the bathroom this morning."

"Why were you hiding in the bathroom?"

"Because I don't do weddings."

"You're really not excited? I'm excited. I love weddings. Weddings are all about hope and the future and-"

"Okay," Callie's voice cut them off, causing all three women to turn. "I rescheduled an ACL repair, but I want to be clear; I will not be wearing pink or baby blue, I do not do flowers in my hair and I will never be seen with a bow on my ass."

Cristina nodded and turned to Meredith. "See, she's got the right attitude."

"I take it you're a bridesmaid too?" Meredith asked.

Callie furrowed her brow. "She didn't tell you?"

Meredith shrugged. "I didn't even know _I_ was a bridesmaid until two minutes ago."

"Yeah, join the club."

Meredith laughed, but stopped quickly when she spotted Thatcher walk by the far side of the Nurses' Station. "Hey," she called, leaving her friends.

"Hey," he responded. "I'm here with Susan. She's down in the clinic."

"The clinic? Is everything okay?"

He nodded as they walked together down the hall. "She's okay; I think. She has the hiccups. Acid reflux. She's barely slept in two days because the hiccups are keeping her awake. She, uh, she sent me to find you."

It was her turn to nod. "I want to see her."

They arrived at the elevators just in time to board an empty car. Meredith punched the button for the ground floor, and silence fell between them as the doors closed. She glanced at him just in time to catch him doing the same thing, and they both looked away quickly.

"Susan, uh, told me that you were...engaged?" Thatched eventually stuttered.

Not sure if it was a question or a statement, Meredith nodded. "Yes."

"To the boy...man," he corrected, "That you brought to dinner?"

Again, she wasn't sure if it was a question or statement. "Derek," she supplied, glancing up to see what floor they were on. She had never realized how slow the elevators were.

"That's...good. I, uh, I'm happy for you, Meredith."

She forced herself to meet his eyes. "Thank you."

He offered her a small smile that was full of awkwardness and hesitation. "He seemed like a good man."

"He is."

The elevator dinged to announce their arrival on the ground floor. The doors opened and Meredith hurried out, feeling like she could breathe again. This whole talking to a parent about something personal wasn't exactly an activity she had a lot of practice in. Her mother had always attacked her on the issue, and Susan was much more of a friend than parental figure at the moment, leaving her with no idea of what to expect from Thatcher.

"She's right down here," Thatcher said, pointing in the direction of the clinic.

Meredith fought the urge to remind him that she worked here, and obviously knew where the clinic was.

When they arrived in the clinic, Meredith spotted Susan sitting on a gurney by the far wall, Dr. Bailey hovering nearby with a chart.

"Hey," Meredith greeted, leaning in for a – only semi-awkward – half-hug. "Thatcher said you have the hiccups."

Susan smiled, before hiccupping. "I couldn't sleep."

Meredith pulled her stethoscope off of her neck and quickly pressed it to Susan's chest. "You could have called."

"It's such a silly problem." She made a face. "Hiccups."

"We didn't want to bother you," Thatcher added.

Meredith offered a supportive smile to Susan, still not sure what to say to Thatcher. It was, however, easier to be around him now that Susan was there as well. Strange. "It's not silly if you can't sleep."

"Chlorpromazine is good," Bailey stated, referring to the drug she had administered to help with the hiccups. The drug that had helped initially, but was quickly wearing off. "But it doesn't always work long term. We have had some good results with endoscopic gastriplication."

Susan and Thatcher looked to Meredith for an explanation.

"We put a tube down your throat and sew together the bottom of your oesophagus to protect it from the acid your stomach," she recited easily.

"It would be an out patient procedure," Bailey added.

"I'm sold," Susan said without hesitation. "Ready when you are."

Thatcher looked worried. "You're sure that's not a little..." He trailed off, placing a hand on his wife's shoulder.

Susan patted the hand supportively. "Just think of it as breathing into a very expensive brown paper bag."

He still looked worried, but nodded.

Meredith smiled at Susan, as the woman continued to hiccup.

"How soon can we do this?" Susan asked.

Bailey offered her a smile as well. "It's quiet. We can probably schedule it today." She turned to Meredith. "Grey, are you good on this?"

As she was nodding, Susan cut her off.

"Actually, Dr. Bailey, I was hoping Meredith could wait with Thatcher." She patted his hand again. "I don't want him waiting by himself. He'll worry. That's okay, right Meredith?" She asked, smiling hopefully at her step-daughter.

"Yes," Meredith said cautiously, her eyes flickering to Thatcher and back to Susan. She couldn't say no to Susan on a normal day; there was no chance she would be able to say no when the woman was about to have surgery, regardless of how minor it was.

Susan smiled broadly. "Great."

"How about I put O'Malley on the case?" Bailey asked, looking to Meredith.

She nodded. "Sounds good."

"O'Malley," Susan repeated. "The name sounds familiar. Have I met him?"

"I don't think so..." Meredith trailed off, before shaking her head. Susan had met Alex and Izzy during her early morning grocery deliveries, maybe even Cristina, but she couldn't remember her meeting George. "He was my roommate until he got married a little while ago."

"You guys are all getting married," Susan commented. "There's just so much going on in your young lives." She turned to Bailey. "They're all your interns, right? You must be so proud."

Bailey huffed. "Yes, proud is one of the _many_ emotions I feel about my interns." She gave Meredith a look. "I'm going to go book an OR."

**

Staring at Thatcher's worried expression, Meredith leaned forward and bit her lip. She was sitting kitty corner to him in the lobby waiting room, waiting for Susan to be out of surgery.

They had been waiting for half an hour.

A very long and silent half hour. Thatcher had been staring upwards at a far corner of the ceiling, and Meredith had been staring at the floor.

She sighed and forced herself to say something. "You know there's not thing to worry about."

He shook his head. "What I worry about is...Molly, living in a new city, alone with a baby most of the day." Molly's husband had recently returned from his deployment in Iraq and Molly had moved to be with him at his new station. "That's hard," he continued. "And Lexie...she's about to start her residency. She's a really good student, but it's gruelling."

"I know," Meredith responded. She couldn't convince herself it didn't hurt to have him talk about his two new daughters right in front of her like this, but she was trying. He seemed to be trying. They were trying. Communication was hard, but they were trying.

"Right." He laughed and quickly avoided her eyes. "And I worry about you...too."

This caught Meredith off guard. And a small sliver of hope, that she had buried deep inside herself began to burn once again.

"I worry about how you're getting on...your mom... None of that was simple." He finally met her eyes again.

It wasn't a heartfelt conversation, but it was something.

Unsure of what to say, Meredith said the first thing that came to her mind. "Susan's really on you to talk to me, huh?"

He laughed again, and she knew she had nailed it right now. Though he didn't appear like he was being forced against his will to be talking with her. He almost looked like he...wanted to be talking with her.

"I have to admit I'm envious...that she's getting to know you...and I'm not...yet," she added quietly, avoiding her eyes again. "I think she may be faking these hiccups."

"To get us in the same place?"

He nodded, and they both laughed.

"That sounds like something Susan would do."

He nodded. "You really seem to...be getting to know her, too."

"I like her," Meredith added cautiously.

"That's good. It's...good," he stammered, his gaze wavering nervously as he tried to keep contact with her eyes. "She wants to be a part of your life...we want to be a part of your life."

Meredith felt her jaw tighten. She didn't know how to respond.

"I...I've wanted to get to know you too. I just...after everything...I don't know how."

"I don't either," she offered quietly.

He nodded, but said nothing.

"But I didn't know with Susan either," she added. He had said a lot. She could do this.

He cleared his throat. "Maybe...in a week or two...when Susan's feeling up to it...we can try to have dinner again? You and...Derek can come over. Or we could go out?"

Meredith smiled. "Susan will be very proud."

He laughed. "She will be."

"The next few weeks aren't good," Meredith stated.

"Oh, well that's...okay."

"I'm going away," Meredith said quickly. "I have my intern exam in less than a week. And then my best friend is getting married. And then Derek and I are going away for two weeks." She paused. "So, maybe the week I come back?"

Thatched nodded. "That...sounds nice. Susan will be happy." He paused, as if hesitating. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to New York, to see his family, and then south to have an actual vacation before we're owned by the hospital again."

"That...sounds like quite the trip. Are you...close with his family?"

She shook her head. "I've never met them. I've talked to his mother on the phone once...well, twice...sort of... It's a long story. And I've met one of his sisters. But there's like a billion other family members left."

"How many sisters does he have?"

"Four. Three of them are married. They all have kids."

"Are you talking about me again?" Derek's voice sounded, as he walked around the chairs, a tray in his hands.

She smiled at him. "I was telling...Thatcher about our trip."

Derek smiled at her, before nodding a greeting to the older man. "Thatcher. Nice to see you."

Thatched nodded awkwardly. "You too...Derek."

"I brought you guys some coffee," Derek stated pulling a large cup out of the tray in his hands and handing it to Meredith. "Thatcher, I didn't know what you took in your coffee, so I brought cream and sugar." He passed Thatcher a cup and held out the tray so that Thatched could pick the amount of cream and sugar he wanted.

"Thank you."

Once the tray was empty, Derek say in the empty seat next to Meredith. "I poked my head in before I came down here. Bailey said everything was going well. They should be done soon."

"Good." Meredith responded.

Thatcher nodded, looking relieved.

The three sat in awkward silence for several moments before Thatcher spoke up.

"Derek, I...uh...wanted to say...congratulations." He nodded his head to Meredith and Derek. "I heard the good news."

Derek smiled back and wrapped his arm around his fiancée. "Thank you, Thatcher," he replied with a smile, before kissing Meredith's temple.

Meredith smiled, surprised by the expression on Thatcher's face. He looked happy for her. Maybe even...proud.

Maybe this family thing wasn't so bad after all.


	77. Chapter 77

Lost in a sea of white, Meredith bit down thoughtfully on her lower lip as she searched her way through aisle after aisle. Rack after rack of fancy, white dresses surrounded her. It would have been overwhelming if she had been dress shopping for her own wedding. She could understand how her best friend was feeling, being forced into this experience, with her mother and mother-in-law standing between her and the exit, forcing more and more dresses on her.

She definitely felt bad for her best friend.

But it didn't mean she wasn't going to take advantage of the situation.

Her lips curled up into a smile as she spotted _exactly_ what she was looking for. She took the dress of the rack and hurried back to the dressing area.

"Cristina," she called, "I found a perfect dress for you!"

Callie snorted when she saw the dress Meredith was holding, taking in the long sleeves, _very_ poofy shoulders and a skirt so round it was almost horizontal at the waist.

Cristina stepped out of the change room, Izzy on her heels, looking just as thrilled to be there as she had when they had arrived two hours before. She was wearing at least the fiftieth dress the mothers had picked out for her. "I swear to God, Meredith. If I could move in this thing, I would kill you."

Meredith laughed. The dress Cristina currently had on was skin tight almost to the knees, where it seemed to flip outward. "Well, I think you should try it on."

"Why don't you try it on," Cristina shot back at her.

"Cristina," her mother chastised, "Be nice to your friend. She's only trying to help."

Cristina looked like she was about to reply harshly to her mother, but Mama Burke appeared from the racks of wedding dressed, and she forced herself to bite her tongue. "It's taking longer than I had expected to find...the perfect dress," she managed to say. "I think we should start looking for bridesmaid dresses too...so we don't run out of time."

"What a wonderful idea," Mama said, smiling. She motioned to Cristina's mother. "Let's go and pick some out."

"Now who's laughing," Cristina said when they were out of ear shot.

Meredith shrugged. "There's about a million more wedding dresses in this store than bridesmaid dresses. "You're still going to suffer."

"This isn't about suffering," Izzy spoke up. "This is exciting. Why can't you two be excited? This is fun!"

Shooting Izzy a glare, Cristina turned and shuffled back into the change room. "You guys just wait," she called over her shoulder, before mumbled a series of unhappy words Meredith was pretty sure she wouldn't want to repeat had she been able to hear what was being said.

"How bad could it possibly be?" Meredith questioned, looking to Callie, who shrugged.

"Not that bad."

How wrong they were.

Ten minutes later, Meredith stood in front of a mirror, staring in horror at the sight before her.

Pink.

Ruffles.

A train.

Poofy shoulders.

She made a face.

"Come on, Meredith," Izzy called, banging on the door. "Hurry it up in there. We're waiting."

"I am not coming out looking like this," Meredith called back. "Get me something else to put on."

"Not a chance. We need to see it."

"Please?"

"No. Get your ass out here, Grey."

"Fine. But it's bad. It's really bad." She sighed and glanced at herself one last time in the mirror, before unlocking the door and stepping out.

Izzy smiled when she finally opened the door. "It's not that bad."

She exchanged a look with Callie, who was unhappily decked out in an orange dress that covered her from her neck to the floor.

"Cristina," Meredith called into the change room her best friend was in. "If you promise not to make me wear this I'll stop making fun of you!"

Cristina emerged in yet another horrible dress; one with a train that was at least ten feet long. "If you want to get out of wearing that you need to do a hell of a lot more than stop making fun of me."

"Oh, girls, line up quickly so we can see," Cristina's mother called.

Meredith sighed and lined up between Callie and Izzy, allowing Cristina's mother and Mama Burke to stare critical at them.

Then, thankfully, they both shook their heads at the same time. "Too much," Mama said. "We need something simpler."

"Oh, thank god," Callie muttered under her breath.

Meredith giggled, until a yellow dress was shoved into her hands and she was pushed back towards her change room.

The strapless, light yellow dress was much better than the pink monstrosity she had been wearing, but it was still itchy, uncomfortable and bright. "How did I get myself into this?" She asked her reflection in the mirror. "Seriously."

"Come on, Mer," Izzy called.

Meredith rolled her eyes and left the change room before Izzy could attack her door again. "You're a freak of nature; you do know that, right?"

Izzy rolled her eyes. "No, you guys are the freaks. We're women. We like to go dress shopping and do wedding stuff."

She made a face. "Whatever."

"What are you going to do when it's your wedding?"

Meredith shrugged. "Not wear a dress?"

"You can't be serious. Can you really stand here, in the middle of all these beautiful dresses and seriously not want to try some on?"

Meredith turned and stared at the racks of dresses, once more biting down on her lower lip as she considered them. And then she turned back to Izzy and shrugged once more. "Yeah, I can." She shook her head. "I'm not a wedding person, Iz. I never dreamt of the perfect dress."

"You never dreamt of the perfect guy, either," her roommate pointed out.

"True, but that's different. I love him." She sighed. "The fancy dress and fancy wedding and fancy reception...I don't love that. I don't want that."

Izzy shook her head. "I don't get you."

Meredith smiled. "Well, I don't get you."

With a shrug, Izzy hooked an arm around her roommate. "Well, at least we can agree on one thing."

"What's that?"

Izzy smirked. "It's fun watching Cristina be tortured."

Meredith smiled. "You are absolutely correct."

"What are you laughing about?" Callie asked.

"How awesome it is to see Cristina being tortured."

Callie laughed. "Makes the whole afternoon worth it, doesn't it?"

All three of them laughed.

"Well, you girls look much happier with these dresses," Mama said, walking back into their sightlines. "And I have to agree that they look much nicer."

"They do," Cristina's mother confirmed. "How do they feel?"

Before they could respond, Cristina walked out of her change room again, silent and defeated in a lacy, poofy shouldered dress.

"Oh, Cristina, you look beautiful." And all of the attention was on Cristina.

Meredith met her best friend's eyes for a short moment, before nodding understandingly. With all of the eyes in the room on Cristina, she turned for the racks of dresses once more.

Some of them were really nice, she had to admit. She just didn't feel that drive to want to wear one on the day she and Derek said 'I do.'

Finding a rack that seemed to house simpler dresses, Meredith flicked through them one at a time, looking for something both Cristina and the mothers would find acceptable. She paused at a short dress with a halter top, but shook her head. The mothers seemed set on a train, or at the very least something floor length.

She stopped again at the second last dress on the rack, this time nodding. Other than some beading it was simple and strapless, with a short train. It should meet all of the criteria. She pulled it off the rack and, with all of the attention on Cristina, snuck it into her change room. And then she lined up with Izzy and Callie again. When the mothers turned around, they smiled, not having noticed she was gone.

A pager sounded.

All four girls jumped, three of them hoping it was theirs. Meredith smirked when she saw it was hers. Reading the small script on the pager, she bit back a smirk. "I have to get back to the hospital."

After receiving the wrath of Cristina and Callie's glares, Meredith hurriedly changed into her street clothes and rushed to her car. When she arrived at the hospital, Derek was waiting for her in the lobby, with a smile and a cup of coffee.

"Can I tell you how much I love you?"

Derek smirked and kissed her. "Glad to know."

She giggled. "I am so glad I told you about the fake paging."

He chuckled. "I thought I'd take pity on you. You were gone for almost three hours."

"And knowing Cristina's mother and Mama Burke, they would have kept us there until the store closed and we got kicked out."

"That bad, huh?"

She nodded. "There were some ridiculously ugly dresses in that store."

"Did Cristina find one?"

"Maybe," she said, thinking of the dress she had snuck into Cristina's change room. "I hope so, for her sake. I think she may actually snap soon."

He laughed. "So, seeing as we have a free evening, what did you want to do?"

"I don't know. You were the one who paged me. What did you have in mind?"

Hooking an arm around her, Derek brushed his lips against hers. "I was thinking..." He trailed off nervously, "That we could...uh..."

She cocked her head. "What?"

"If you're up for it, I was thinking we could go to the trailer...have our second lesson?"

Meredith drew in a deep breath. "A second swimming lesson?"

He nodded. "If you're up for it. With your test and the wedding...we may not get another chance before we go away."

"You'll be there?" She asked, though it wasn't really a question.

"The whole time," he promised, though they both knew it already.

"Then yes."

**

Several hours later, Meredith padded out of the small shower of the trailer. "It's freezing in here."

Derek looked up from the stove, where he was cooking something in a pot. "There's something up with the heater. Sorry."

She sidled up behind him, clothed only in a towel, and snaked her arms around his waist from behind. "Mmm, it's okay, as long as you promise to keep me warm."

His free hand found both of hers, resting over his abdomen. "Of course."

Meredith pressed her face into his tee shirt clad back and inhaled deeply. "You're so good to me."

He chuckled, the hitching of his chest vibrating through her face and making her smile. "Keeping you warm means we both win."

"Mmm, good point. But I need food before we both win again."

"Agreed."

Their second swimming lesson went even better then the first. Getting in the water was much easier than if had been the first time. And there had been lots of floating and actual swimming. Derek had been right there beside her the whole time, allowing Meredith to forget to be afraid several times. It was nothing like falling into the frigid Elliot Bay and fighting off the waves alone.

It kind of reminded her how her life had been before she had moved to Seattle.

She had been all alone, fighting off the wave after wave of bad things that kept hitting her and tried to beat her down. But now she had people there for her. She wasn't alone anymore. Life was calmer. She wasn't just fighting to keep her head above the water.

She was happy.

When the cooling air had driven them from the water, she and Derek had hurried back to the trailer and celebrated by doing the bendy thing in the shower, before Derek left Meredith to wash her hair as he started dinner.

"What are we having for dinner?"

"Spaghetti. There's not much else out here."

"Sounds good. Anything I can do?"

"The sauce and the noodles are already cooking. We just have to wait now."

"I could set the table."

"Already done."

She turned her head so the side of her face was resting against Derek's back, allowing her to spot the plates and utensils on the kitchen table. "You're so good to me."

"That's because I love you."

Meredith smiled, once again burying her face in his back. "I love you too."

He squeezed her hands, and for several minutes, they just stood there together, quiet and happy.

"Okay, I think the noodles are done," Derek finally said, breaking the silence.

Meredith released him, allowing him to drain the water out of the pot. She turned for the bedroom and dropped her towel, before pulling on sleep shorts and one of Derek's tees.

Returning to the kitchen, she pulled two glasses out of the cupboard and opened the fridge. "What do you want to drink? We've got water or...very suspicious looking orange juice." She opened the carton of juice and cautiously took a sniff. The she made a face and quickly resealed the carton. "Okay, we have water." She filed both glasses and headed for the table, where Derek was serving the spaghetti onto the plates.

She took a seat, and he joined her after placing the pot back on the stove.

"Smells good."

He smiled. "Only the best for you."

Meredith giggled. "Cheesy."

Derek shrugged. "Maybe."

She took a bite and smiled. It was as good as it smelled.

"Thanks for doing this," she said after a few minutes of silent eating.

"For making dinner? Cause that's kind of mandatory if we want to eat."

She kicked him under the table. "I meant for coming out here again...another lesson."

"I don't want you to be afraid."

"I'm not," she said honestly. "It's much better than I thought it would be."

"I'm glad. It means we can try snorkelling."

"And swim with the fishes," she added with a giggle.

He rolled his eyes. "So, how do you think Cristina is going to react when she finds out you got fake paged?"

"I'm hoping she doesn't find out. And she's distracted enough that maybe she won't."

Derek chuckled. "Do you think they're still at the dress store?"

"I hope not, for everyone's sake. Cristina may have gone all homicidal maniac on them. She was definitely not happy."

"Hmm..."

"What?"

He shrugged. "It's nothing. Just...I wonder why Burke is letting their mothers take the reins when Cristina so obviously doesn't want it."

Meredith shook her head. "I think she's afraid to bring it up." She paused, eyeing Derek carefully. "You won't be upset if I don't want it, right? The poofy dress and bridesmaids and church wedding..."

"Of course not, Meredith."

"And you won't let your mother take over and force it on me?"

He laughed. "My mom has helped plan enough weddings. She just wants us to be happy. We could get married tomorrow at City Hall and she'd be happy, as long as we gave her a picture."

"A picture, huh? That's all?"

He nodded.

She shrugged. "I guess I can handle that. I did already say I wanted a picture."

"I remember."

Meredith smiled. "I...I don't think I want to wear a dress," she admitted. "I was there in the store today, and there were some really nice dresses, but I...I just didn't feel anything. I didn't want to try any on. I didn't see anything that...spoke to me, or whatever."

"Then you won't wear a dress. That's fine."

"You're sure?"

He smiled that dreamy smile that made her knees weak. "Mer, I just want to marry you. The how and the where; those are just details."

She smiled. "Izzy was super excited the whole time. She asked me how I could stand in that store and not want to try on any dresses. And I just..." She sighed, meeting his eyes. "Sometimes I wish I could be different. Sometimes I wish I could be the girl who gets excited over stupid wedding stuff, like finding the perfect dress and enjoying picking out silverware and tablecloths."

Derek shook his head. "I'm glad you're not that girl. Because then you wouldn't be you."

**

The next morning, Meredith awoke warm and toasty, beneath the covers, wrapped in Derek's warm arms. The air in the trailer was still cold, but she barely felt it. Derek's arms made her feel safe and accepted, because he loved her for her. They would get married, in a way they decided was best for them. And her best friend was getting married, albeit unhappily, but everything would go back to normal after the wedding. And Meredith was slowly finding a family with Susan and Thatcher. And in a week, she would be done her internship. And then she would be on a plane, Derek beside her, on her way to meet his family; a visit that would be followed up by a trip to an island with a king sized bed and a beach and no responsibilities.

Life was good.

Derek grumbled behind her.

She patted his hands. "We should get up."

He groaned and buried his face into the space between her shoulder blades. "No."

Meredith giggled. "We have to go to work."

"They won't miss us."

"Yes, they will. Bailey will have my head if I miss any time before my test. And you have surgery. Don't forget we're going away for two weeks..."

He lifted his head from her back and planted several kisses along the side of her neck. "I definitely haven't forgotten."

She sighed and closed her eyes for a long moment, before patting Derek's hands.

He groaned again, but released her, and lay in bed for another moment before following her out of the bed and into the shower.

An hour later, happy and sated, Meredith collapsed into the passenger seat of Derek's car.

He turned on the ignition and navigated down the long driveway to the road before reaching for her hand. "So, what's your schedule like today?"

Meredith made a face and shrugged. "Studying."

"Bailey's still on you guys, huh?"

"Yup. She's almost as bad as Cristina."

He chuckled. "Don't tell her that."

She giggled. "I'm not that stupid. How about you? What's on your schedule?"

"I promised the chief I'd have a look at Jane Doe; see if there's anything neural going on that's preventing her from getting her memory back."

"Sounds like more fun than studying. Want to switch?"

"Not a chance. I've done my fair share of studying."

Meredith made a face. "I feel like if I try to read another sentence my head is going to explode."

He squeezed her hand. "It's just another week. And when you kick ass on the exam, it'll all be worth it."

"I don't care about kicking ass. I just care about passing."

"You're going to pass," he reassured. "There isn't a doubt in my mind that you know far more than you need to pass."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Then can you get me out of studying?"

He huffed. "You set me up."

"A little bit," she admitted.

"I love you."

She sighed. "That's your way of telling me you're ditching me and leaving me to study, right?"

"I would never ditch you. But, yeah, I'll have to leave you to your studying. We don't want to piss Bailey off now, especially when chances are she's going to be your Chief Resident in three weeks."

She sighed dramatically. "Fine."

Derek chuckled. "You know I'm right."

"Maybe," she conceded. "But it still sucks."

"Just another week," he reminded.

"Then we get to go away," she murmured.

"You excited?"

She nodded. "Very. Well, very excited for the island. Mild to moderately excited for New York."

"Mild to moderate?"

"That's an improvement," she pointed out. And it was true. With time, and talking with Derek, and her growing comfort with Susan and Thatcher, Meredith was feeling more and more prepared for their trip to New York. She was beginning to truly feel comfortable with the idea of meeting Derek's family, and was maybe even starting to believe that she could find a spot in the Shepherd family.

"I'm glad. It's going to be great."

With a smile, Meredith sat back in her seat and squeezed Derek's hand. "I believe you."

Almost an hour later, after they had arrived at the hospital and parted ways, Meredith made her way out of the intern locker room, changed into her scrubs and prepared for a long, boring day of studying.

"Hey, Mer," Izzy called. "Did you just get here?"

Meredith nodded. "Where are we studying today?"

Izzy shook her head. "You're not. At least not now."

"Why?"

"Susan's been readmitted."

"What? Why? Is something wrong? Is she okay?"

"I don't know, but I don't think it's anything serious. Bailey's on it. She said to send you up when you got here."

"What room number?"

Izzy passed on the information, and Meredith hurried to the room.

"You're back? What happened?" She asked, pushing through the door into the exam room. Susan was sitting up on the gurney, with Thatcher hovering close beside her. Bailey was on the other side of the gurney with a stethoscope.

"She's got a fever, and I think I hear a small murmur."

"A heart murmur?" Thatcher asked, looking worried.

"Don't be dramatic," Susan said quickly, leaning into her husband. "At least it's not the hiccups."

"It could be complications from the endoscopy," Bailey said, allowing Meredith to look at the chart.

"Bacterial endocarditis?"

Bailey nodded her agreement, before turning to Susan and Thatcher. "You'll have to get tests, and if they come back positive you'll be admitted for IV antibiotics."

"Which should knock it right out," Meredith said quickly, wanting to remove the look of worry on both their faces.

Susan looked relieved. "See," she said to Thatcher. "I told you...don't be dramatic."

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her. When Thatcher stood up, he met Meredith's eyes and they shared a smile.

"I need to go check on a patient," Bailey said. "Grey, can you take some blood?"

Meredith nodded, and pulled the necessary supplies out of the cupboard.

"You should have called," she said, as she attached a tourniquet to Susan's upper arm.

Susan smiled at her. "We already spoke twice last night," she said, referring to the two phone calls Meredith had placed, checking up on her stepmother. "And I knew you'd be in this morning. We didn't want to get you up any earlier than you had to."

"Still," Meredith murmured, scrubbing at Susan's forearm with a disinfectant. "It wouldn't have been a problem." She quickly prepared the needle. "Small pinch."

Susan shut her eyes and made a face and Meredith expertly guided the needle into the vein in her arm. "All done," she said after several seconds.

"That didn't hurt nearly as much as I expected it to," Susan said. "You're very good."

Meredith laughed. "Yeah, well, taking blood is like medicine 101."

"Still. In all the times I've had to have blood tests that definitely hurt the least."

"Well, thanks, I think."

Susan laughed. "You have to learn to take a compliment."

"I'll work on that."

"Hey, how was dress shopping yesterday?"

Meredith shook her head. "Painfully boring."

"You...went dress shopping?" Thatcher asked.

"For my friend," Meredith responded. "She's getting married in a week."

"Did she find a dress?" Susan asked.

"I don't know." She leaned in close. "Can I tell you a secret?"

Susan's eyes lit up and she nodded.

"After almost three hours, Derek paged me to get me out of there."

Susan laughed. "You bailed on dress shopping with your friend?"

"Hey, you would have too. Hell, she would have if she could. There are some ugly dresses out there. And her mother and Burke's mother seemed determined to make her try on every single one. And the mothers have decided there have to be bridesmaids, so they made me try on this hideous pink thing."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad..."

"It looked like Pepto-Bismol. And it had ruffles and poofy shoulders."

Susan and Thatcher both laughed.

"Anyway," Meredith said, "You can't tell them why I bailed. They think I got paged because of a patient."

"Your secret is safe with us."

"Thank you."

"But...what are you going to do when you start to plan your own wedding?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if your friends bail on you when you need them to go dress shopping with you?" Susan laughed. "You'll have to ban them from bringing their pagers."

Meredith laughed at the idea. "Good point, but there won't be any dress shopping."

"You already have one?"

"No, I..." She hesitated looking between Susan and Thatcher before pushing on. She could do the talking thing. "I'm not going to wear a dress. I'm not that girl. I never dreamt of wedding things growing up."

Susan nodded understandingly. "Have you decided on a venue yet?"

She shook her head. "No... We know we want _something_, just not what that is." She hesitated, again looking between Susan and Thatcher. "But, if we decide to have a ceremony or whatever...I want you to be there...both of you."

Susan smiled as her eyes welled. "Meredith, I'm so glad. And so happy for you." She reached for Meredith's hand.

Thatcher didn't say anything, but he smiled warmly at Meredith, and that was enough.

It was enough for her to know that he cared.


	78. Chapter 78

"I heard Susan's back," Derek's soft tone pulled Meredith from her studying. After assuring herself Susan was fine, Meredith had been unable to find her friends, so she had grabbed a textbook and found herself a bench outside to studying on. "Everything okay?"

She smiled at the concerned look in his eyes. "Just an infection. She'll be fine."

He nodded. "Good. I figured if anything was wrong-"

"I would have paged you," she finished before he could. "If anything was seriously wrong, you would have been the first to know. She's hooked up to IV antibiotics now." She smiled. "I stayed as long as she'd let me, then she kicked me out of her room, saying I had to study. I promised I wouldn't come back for at least two hours."

Derek chuckled. "Sounds like Susan."

"Why can't I say no to that woman?"

"Because you like her."

"So? I like you. I can still say no to you."

This time he laughed out loud. "True."

"It was nice to spend some time with them both this morning," she continued. "I, uh, told them that if we decided to have a ceremony, I wanted them there."

He smiled and kissed her. "Good."

Grasping onto his hand, she leaned her head against his shoulder. "It's nice."

"What is?"

"To feel like I have a family. He's never going to be a dad, not after everything, but maybe he could be a...something. And Susan is the closest thing I've ever had to a mom. And I know that I'm a grown up and I don't need a mom anymore, but it's nice to have someone there, you know?"

"I do."

"It's just a nice feeling."

"I'm glad. You deserve it."

She sighed and closed her eyes, enjoying the warm sun. It was so unusual for Seattle. "I think we should get married outside," she finally spoke.

"Hmm?"

"We should get married outside," she repeated. "Inside is stuffy and formal, and we...we aren't stuffy and formal. What do you think?"

"I think outside is great. We may get wet, but it would be us."

She giggled. "We'd probably get wet," she agreed.

He sighed and dropped her hand to wrap an arm around her. "It's such a nice day."

"I hope it stays this way."

Weather-wise, she got her wish. The sun stayed out and the clouds stayed away. It was a brilliant day outside the hospital. Inside, however, things were very different...

"What happened?" She demanded, running into Susan's hospital room out of breath after running up three flights of stairs in response to her nine-one-one page late that evening. In a series of domino effects, Susan's condition had progressively worsened as the day had gone on. Expecting that her step-mother would be staying in the hospital overnight, Meredith had rounded on her patients and headed for the cafeteria to grab something to eat so that she could stay with Susan. When she had received the page, her heart had begun beating frantically and she was overwhelmed with the sense that something bad was about to happen.

Something really bad.

"She's septic," Richard answered from Susan's bedside. "The sooner we get her to an OR, the sooner we can help her."

Meredith was passed Susan's chart, and she read furiously over the notes from the last few hours, hoping to find something that would help Susan.

"Richard, what...what happened?" Thatcher stuttered.

"Extremely rare complication," Richard responded. "Toxic megacolon with a perforation." He turned to Meredith. "Get your dad out of the room."

Meredith hesitated, looking at Thatcher. He looked so confused and lost. Distraught.

"How did it happen this fast?"

Richard barely glanced at the other man. "Sometimes it progresses this rapidly; very rarely, but sometimes. We've booked an OR."

"But...I didn't sign a consent form..." Thatcher stammered as the gurney carrying his very sick wife was pushed out of the room.

Richard stopped in the doorway, blocking Thatcher's path. "She needs surgery now, Thatcher. Not tomorrow. Not later today. Right now."

"Thatcher!" Susan called from the hallway, but Richard continued to block the doorway.

"You need to let us help her." And then he turned and caught up to the gurney.

"But...I..."

Meredith hesitated, torn between following Susan and staying to reassure Thatcher. "You need to stay back," she found herself saying.

"I didn't get to say..."

She nodded, glancing down the hallway. "I'll tell her for you." And then she turned and ran after the gurney in time to jump into the elevator.

Bailey and a surgical team were waiting on the OR floor as Susan was rushed off the elevator.

"Meredith," Susan mumbled weakly, grasping her arm.

"You're going to be okay. This happens. You're going to be okay," she repeated. "We're here, and you're going to be okay. Thatcher is waiting and he wants you to be okay."

Susan met Meredith's eyes, and Meredith's heart thudded painfully in her chest as she recognized the look in Susan's eyes; the look she had seen in the eyes of too many patients. "No, Susan, please. You're going to be okay."

Susan's eyes fluttered shut, and Meredith reached for her carotid. "We're losing her pulse!"

They pushed the gurney into the waiting OR and quickly moved Susan onto the surgical table.

"Her pulse," Meredith cried. "We're losing her pulse."

She was hooked up to surgical monitors, her pulse weak and irregular. The experienced surgeons got to work, but her stats continued to drop until a solid beep sounded on the heart monitor.

"She's coding!" Meredith yelled, turning to charge the paddles.

They shocked her. Once. Twice. Three times.

Nothing changed.

Meredith began chest compressions, while the surgical team worked around her. She lost track of the time spent fighting for Susan's life, only stopping compressions when the paddles were being used, again and again and again.

"Meredith," Bailey said gently.

She shook her head. "No. No, we're not stopping. She had the hiccups. We're not stopping."

"Let me take over," Bailey pushed at Meredith's hands.

Meredith allowed herself to be pushed away, breathing hard from the effort. She moved to the other side of the gurney and grabbed for Susan's hand, willing the woman to wake up.

Richard moved in with the paddles one more time.

Again, nothing changed.

Not that anyone in the room expected it to.

They had already carried on longer than they would have had the patient not been related to someone in the room.

And then, finally – horrifyingly – they stopped.

Time of death was called.

Meredith stood stalk still, clutching to Susan's hand, staring into the empty face of the woman who was quickly becoming the mother she had never had.

"Meredith," Bailey prompted, uncharacteristically gentle. Her hand fell on Meredith's shoulder.

"I..." She began, but trailed off when she realized she had nothing to say. _How had this happened?_

"Come on, Grey. We have to go talk to your father."

She nodded, squeezing Susan's hand before turning and following Bailey out of the OR. She scrubbed out on autopilot.

"Grey, do you need...anything?"

Meredith met her eyes, feeling numb. She shook her head.

Richard joined them in the scrub room, also scrubbing out. "There was nothing we could have done," he began. "Sometimes these things just happen and..." He continued on and on and on, attempting comforting words and phrases.

Meredith nodded numbly, not actually hearing any of the words he was speaking.

They cleared her out of the scrub room.

She followed them silently down the hallway and onto an elevator. They descended before the elevator was stopped one floor above the lobby.

Derek's form appeared as the doors opened, his smile quickly turning into a worried frown as his eyes took in the sight before him.

"What happened?" He asked as he quickly stepped onto the elevator, his sole attention on Meredith, stopping close in front of her.

Meredith met his eyes before her gaze fell. She reached her hands forward to clutch onto the lapels of Derek's lab coat. "Susan..."

Derek's hands found her hips. "Meredith," he murmured, looking to Bailey when Meredith couldn't answer.

Bailey shook her head.

Derek sighed in understanding. His hands moved from her hips to her back as he pulled her to him.

Still clutching to the fabric of his lab coat, Meredith leaned her forehead against his chest.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured into the top of her head.

Somewhere behind him, Bailey reached to stop the elevator, giving them a moment.

With a deep, shuddery breath, Meredith allowed a small series of tears to fall from her eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," He murmured.

She nodded against him, taking as much comfort as she could from his presence. She let him hold her for another long moment before pressing her hands against his chest.

With a kiss to her forehead, he released her. He reached for her face, but she brushed his hands away, wiping her own tears.

Bailey restarted the elevator.

Meredith allowed herself to meet Derek's eyes. He offered her a small, supportive smile. She nodded her thanks, but said nothing.

The elevator reached the ground floor and she stepped out, heading for the lobby. It was unspoken that she was to tell Thatcher. Without looking back, she knew Bailey and Richard had stopped. Without looking back she knew Derek had hesitated before also stopping. Without looking back she knew she was alone.

Thatcher was hunched over across the waiting room, his head in his hands. She slowed, wanting to delay this moment as long as she could, wishing she didn't have to do this.

Wishing none of this had ever happened. _How had it happened?_

Thatcher looked up, having heard her footsteps. He stood, his face eager for news; eager for good news.

His form became blurry as tears welled in her eyes.

His face fell as he read her expression.

She shook her head. "We did _everything _we could."

His hands went to his head as tears welled in his eyes.

"But...it was the hiccups... You said it was really simple. It was this simple thing..."

"It was..."

He raised his hand, and before she knew it, there was a stinging across her cheek.

She cried out, her hand to her cheek, before she even realized what had happened.

He'd hit her.

He was angry.

At her.

"She had the hiccups," he hissed. "She came here...because she trusted you..."

And Meredith had let her down.

Thatcher blamed her.

And maybe it was her fault. Maybe _that's what had happened._

"I trusted you," he continued.

She had let them down. She had let down the family she was trying to be a part of. The family that was now no longer whole.

Unable to be there anymore, Meredith turned and rushed from the scene. Derek caught her, but she shook her head, muttering, "Not here," and racing down the hallway.

Footsteps hurried after her, so Meredith knew Derek was following. She hurried past the elevator for the stairs, and she was half-way to the basement before he caught up to her.

"Meredith," he called, grabbing her elbow. She fought him, but he held on, pulling her to his chest. "I'm here."

Clutching onto him tightly, she buried her face in his chest and cried.

His lips found her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I'm so sorry."

"I..." She stammered. "I..."

"Shh," he mumbled into the top of her head. "You don't need to say anything; not now."

Nodding, she wrapped her arms around him, shuddering violently.

Derek held her tight with one arm and used his other hand to run up and down her spine, offering her as much comfort as he could. "I'm here," he repeated.

She allowed herself to cry against him, the grief of the situation washing over her. Susan was gone. Gone. It all seemed so ridiculous. She had had the hiccups. No one died from the hiccups.

When her tears finally ran dry, Meredith sniffed and lifted her head, meeting Derek's eyes.

"Hey," he murmured, offering her a small smile.

"She's dead," Meredith heard herself whisper.

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

She inhaled a deep, shuddery breath.

"You did everything you could."

"But she's dead."

"Sometimes there's nothing you can do, you know that."

"She had the hiccups."

He leaned his forehead against hers. "Life doesn't always make sense."

"It's not fair."

"I know."

"He hates me."

Derek didn't have to ask to know who 'he' was. "Meredith, none of this was your fault." He pulled his forehead away from hers and reached a cautious hand to her cheek. "What he did...it's not acceptable. It was uncalled for."

She flinched as his finger tips touched her hair line, close to the tender skin of her cheek, not out of pain, but expected pain.

"Maybe I deserved it."

"Hey," he said sharply, his free hand finding her chin and forcing her eyes to his. "That's never acceptable. None of this was your fault."

She nodded, though she wasn't sure she believed him.

He sighed, but didn't push the issue. "Does it hurt?"

She shook her head. She felt numb all over.

"Do you want to-"

"I want to go home."

"Okay." He nodded. "I have to get my keys. Do you want to wait here? Come with me? Meet me at the car?"

"I'll go with you."

"Okay." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. "It's going to be okay."

"Okay," she repeated quietly.

He led her back up the stairs and out of the stairwell for the elevator. Thankfully, the elevator was empty, and they rode up to his office in silence.

She sat numbly on the couch in his office as he changed out of his scrubs and gathered his things.

"Meredith. Meredith!"

She jumped and looked to him.

He cocked his head. "Are you okay? I said your name a few times."

"Sorry," she whispered. "I didn't hear you."

His brow furrowed, but he dropped the issue. "Do you want to stop at your locker?" He extended his hand.

She took his hand and stood. "Yeah," she whispered after a long moment.

He offered her a small smile, that she tried to return, but couldn't.

The ride back down the elevator was as silent as the first. They exited together on the surgical floor. A few sympathetic looks were thrown their way, as the word was starting to spread, but no one said anything. Meredith was grateful.

They reached the intern locker room, and Derek followed her in.

Without having to think, Meredith opened her locker and then stopped, staring blankly at the contents.

"Meredith?" His voice was worried and his hand found her back.

"How did this happen?"

"I don't know," he said honestly. "Sometimes really bad things just happen. There's no reason."

"I really liked her."

"I know. Me too."

"He hates me."

"He won't when he calms down. He's just upset."

She shook her head. "I don't understand how this happened." She understood the medicine. She understood the odds. She understood that life liked to throw curve balls. What she didn't understand was how this had happened to her. Again. After everything she had been through recently, how had this happened again?

"Come on," Derek prompted gently, pulling her hands from their frozen state against the side of her locker. "What do you need to get?"

He was trying to get her home before she broke down. He was going to get her home so she _could_ break down.

She reached for her street clothes. Derek was the only other person in the room, so she quickly took off her scrubs and pulled on the jeans, shirt and coat she had worn in that morning. She then shoved the scrubs into her locker and grabbed her purse.

"You ready?"

She nodded and allowed him to take her hand and lead her from the locker room.

He took her out the side entrance, which was a longer walk, but would avoid the scene that may or may not still be unfolding in the front lobby.

They reached the car and Meredith silently let herself in the passenger door. She sat, pulled the door closed and buckled her seatbelt. She said nothing, simply stared through the windshield, wondering when it had started to rain. It was several moments before she realized they weren't moving.

"Do you need anything?" Derek asked quietly, his voice tender and loving and worried.

Her eyes welled, but she did not cry. "Just to go home."

He put the car into gear, backed out of the parking space and reached for her hand.

She allowed him to pull her hand to rest on his thigh, held tightly by his hand.

It was felt nice, like it was the only thing keeping her grounded. He loved her, she knew, even if she was numb.

The drive was silent, the only noise was the dull, rhythmic sounds of the wiper blades working together to keep the windshield clear of the rain.

Meredith stared at them.

Derek said nothing, knowing there was nothing he could say that would help. He understood her; knew what needed.

After what seemed like an infinity, and no time at all at the same time, Derek pulled the car into their driveway.

Meredith closed her eyes for a long moment, before slowly undoing her seatbelt and reaching for the handle of the door.

Derek followed her lead and met her in front of the car, following her to the front door.

She didn't try to unlock the door, instead waited for him to use his key.

The door opened, displaying the front hall. He ushered her in first.

It was warmer inside. There were voices in the living room. She slipped off her coat and allowed Derek to take it from her. Not that she would have cared if it had fallen to the floor.

Not that she would have noticed if it had fallen to the floor.

"Is that you, Mer? Finally!" Izzy's voice called from the living room. "Alex is a horrible study partner."

"Get a life," Alex's voice shot back. "I'm doing you a favour."

Meredith closed her eyes. She wasn't up to playing moderator for her roommates.

Derek's hand found the small of her back. "Do you want me to talk to them?"

She shook her head. "I'm okay."

"Mer?" Izzy again. "That is you, right?" Footsteps echoed, and suddenly she appeared in the doorway. Her expression fell at their appearance. "What's wrong?"

Meredith opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She shook her head. "Uh..." Progress. "Susan...uh..." Her eyes welled.

Izzy's eyes flickered to Derek, and then back to Meredith, now filled with sympathy. "Oh, Mer, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

She shook her head. "She..."

Alex appeared in the doorway as well, his expression dark and worry-filled as well. He could surmise what had happened without asking.

"It's okay," Izzy said, stepping forward and pulling Meredith into a tight hug. "You don't have to say anything."

Meredith nodded, her hands almost clutching at her roommate, making her a little more than a passive participant in the hug.

"We're here for you, Mer," Izzy continued. "Whatever you need."

"Thank you."

Izzy released her. "Do you need anything?"

"No."

Her roommate still looked worried, but accepted her answer.

"I...need to go...upstairs," Meredith stammered.

Izzy nodded and got out of the way. "Of course."

Alex's hand shot out as she passed, clutching to her forearm. "Hey," he whispered, his eyes telling her the same as Izzy had; telling her he cared, telling her he was there.

Meredith paused, meeting his eyes. "I know."

He smiled and dropped her arm.

She continued to the stairs, Derek right behind her.

Once in the quiet safety of their bedroom, Meredith felt her hands begin to shake. She didn't know what to do now.

Derek stopped behind her, his arms snaking around her waist. "Do you want a shower? Something to eat? Or just to go to bed?"

"Bed."

"Okay." He kissed the back of her neck and released her.

Meredith reached for the hem of her top, but paused, frozen, clutching to the fabric. And suddenly Derek's hands were on hers, pulling upward, prompting her.

She pulled the garment over her head and dropped it to the floor. Her forehead creased when she realized Derek had stripped down to his boxers. She didn't know how long she had been frozen for.

With a deep breath, she reached for the fly of her jeans.

When she was left in nothing but her underwear, Derek was there, pressing a shirt into her hands.

It was his shirt. One she had taken a liking to early on in their relationship. It was old and soft and worn. And it smelled like him.

It was comforting, and he knew it. He knew what she needed.

She pulled it over her head and padded over to the bed.

Derek got in beside her, his arms reaching for her.

She allowed herself to be pulled against his chest. "I feel numb," she whispered, as if it was a secret she could only speak in the dark.

He kissed her forehead. "I know. That's okay."

A few tears fell from her eyes. "I can't believe she's gone."

"Me either."

"I..." he voice cracked. The numbness wasn't strong enough to protect her from the sudden stabbing of pain she felt in her chest. "I think I loved her."

His arms tightened around her. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. If I could make it so none of this happened I would."

"I know." She pressed her face into his chest and breathed heavily.

"Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can say?"

"Just hold me," she murmured.

"Okay." He kissed the top of her head and continued to hold her tight. "I'm here."

_**AN: Please don't hate me. I agonized over the decision of what to do about Susan, but in the end I had to go with the reason I started this fic in the first place; to explore what would have happened had Derek picked Meredith in the beginning of season 2. I didn't want Susan to die either, but as I continue into season four, the storylines would have been too different. As season three (finally) comes to an end in the next few chapters, a few things that happened on the show won't happen here. The things that do happen, in relation to Meredith and Derek, will happen a bit differently. One thing in particular, that I'm sure I'll also be hated for, HAS to happen. But I'm asking you to keep an open mind, because it will seem wrong, but will end in a way that fits who Meredith and Derek are now.**_


	79. Chapter 79

_**AN: Apparently my AN at the end of the last chapter has sparked some worries and angry reviews. Let me set the record straight: there will be no cheating, no other romantic interests and no other women. Rose will not be part of this story, other than possibly in a 'a nurse gave me crap for not knowing anyone's name' kind of way. No more. Lexie will come in for season four because that's what happened on the show. There will be no conversation at Joe's between her and Derek.**_

_**The purpose of writing this story was to explore the differences in the Meredith/Derek relationship had he picked her the first time. Unfortunately this means a lot of crappy things that happened in the show, especially at the end of season three, have to happen here. For those of you who are upset that Derek didn't step in after Thatcher slapped Meredith let me point out two things: Derek wouldn't go after someone who just lost his wife and Meredith was running the other way, so he went after her. And the slap still happened because the Meredith/Thatcher relationship isn't much different than it was on the show. And it will lead to a certain conversation that I have planned in season four.**_

_**Lastly, the thing I'll be hated for will be short lived. Everything will be MORE than worked out come the start of 'season 4.' After almost eighty chapters, I'm asking you to have some faith.**_

Derek stared worriedly across the bedroom at his fiancée. She had barely said two words since the alarm clock had gone off that morning, though he suspected she hadn't slept anyway. Today was going to be hard.

He just hoped it wasn't going to be too hard.

First Susan's funeral and then the intern exam. It wasn't fair. She didn't deserve this.

"I'm fine, Derek," she said quietly, her back turned to him. "You can stop staring."

He smiled. "How did you know I was staring?"

She sighed. "I can feel it." She was sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed in black, pulling on her panty hose.

He stepped around the bed and sat beside her, one arm snaking around her waist. "I can't help it sometimes. You're beautiful."

The look she gave him nearly broke his heart. Her eyes were so...defeated. She placed a hand on his chest and gently shook her head. "No."

"No?"

"You can't do this. Not today."

He nodded, understanding. She didn't want him to try and make her feel better. "Okay," he agreed, pressing his lips to the side of her head.

"Thank you."

Derek stood and moved back to the other said of the room to fish his black shoes out of the closet.

He and Meredith were going in to the hospital for a few hours before heading over to the funeral. Meredith, hopefully, would be able to study with her friends. He would round on his patients.

After finally finding his second shoe, Derek moved to the mirror and began to tie his black tie. He hated ties; especially black ones. They reminded him of his father's funeral.

"You really don't have to come with me."

His brow furrowed, he turned to see Meredith standing now, facing him, still on the far side of the bed.

He nodded. "Yes, I do. That's what you do when you're in a relationship." They had had this conversation before. Meredith didn't seem to be able to grasp the reason he was coming with her.

"But..."

He sighed and moved away from the mirror, the black tie hanging haphazardly around his neck. "No buts, Meredith. If it were me, you'd come with me, right?"

"But it's not you," she whispered, her eyes on the ground. "It's me. It's always me."

He reached a hand to her chin, forcing her gaze up to meet his. "It's not always you, Meredith. You've been there for me every time I've needed you."

"I don't want to be an obligation." Her voice was so broken it made his chest ache.

"You are not an obligation. I love you. I want to be with you today." He shook his head. "None of this is your fault."

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, looking down again.

"That's why I'll be there with you."

Her eyes flickered back to his on their own power, and for a moment he thought she was going to say something.

His brow furrowed as he suddenly wondered if he had misinterpreted her words.

"Meredith..."

She shook her head. "We have to go."

Still worried, he nodded. "Okay." Today was not the day to push any issues. He offered her a smile. "Can you help me with my tie?"

With the barest hint of a smile, Meredith nodded and reached her shaking fingers to his tie.

"I love you."

She nodded, her focus still on his tie. "Okay."

He swallowed hard. He was worried. He had never seen her like this. Even after all the crap that had been heaped on her in the past year, he had never seen her so...shut down. It was like she wasn't there anymore, not entirely. He could only hope and pray he could get them both through the next few days. Then everything would be okay. He would have two weeks to remind her how to smile, how to live, how to sleep.

He fell asleep beside her at night and woke up next to her in the morning, but he didn't think she had slept since Susan had died.

She wouldn't talk about it.

There had been no sex. Barely any kissing or touching. She would let him hold her; that was about all.

She would simply spend hours staring blankly at whatever text book she was holding in her lap.

"There," she said quietly, flatly, when she was done with his tie.

"Thank you." He leaned forward to peck her lips.

Meredith allowed the contact, but didn't participate in it.

"Meredith...are you-"

"I'm fine."

He sighed, wishing her knew what to say to make things better. "Okay."

"We have to go."

"Okay."

She picked up her purse and left the room.

Grabbing his suit jacket from the bed, Derek followed. She wasn't in the front hall when he got to the bottom of the stairs. There were voices in the kitchen, so he headed in that direction.

He pushed open the door right in time to hear her answer an untimely question asked by her friends, who were seated around the kitchen table, as they had presumably been all night, studying fiercely for their exam.

"The most common cause of diarrhoea in hospitalized patients is C. Dif; which can lead to toxic megacolon, perforation, sepsis and death. That's what killed Susan," she answered as she poured two cups of coffee, before shoving the coffee pot back into the holder. She then moved back towards Derek, passing him a travel mug before pushing out of the kitchen.

Derek shared a worried look with her friends before turning and following Meredith to the door.

The ride to the hospital was no less painful than the morning had been.

"You know," he began, when they were half way to the hospital, "Coffee works better if you actually drink it."

She nodded. "Okay." She was clutching to her travel mug.

"Meredith, are you sure you want to go in to the hospital? We can go back home and then just go to the funeral from there."

"No. I need to study." She'd been saying this for four days.

He sighed. "Do you want me to ask you questions?"

"Okay," she said again, flatly, as if she wouldn't notice the difference if he did or didn't ask her anything.

"What are adults with Moyamoya disease at risk for?"

"Stroke," she said flatly.

Derek wondered if she had even processed the question.

"What can major personality change be a symptom of?"

"Frontal lobe damage." Her tone was the same.

"What two areas of the brain are related to aphasia?"

"Broca's area and Wernicke's area."

"And where are these areas normally found?"

"Left hemisphere."

He nodded. "Okay, obviously you've got the brain stuff down," he said, trying to get a reaction out of her. Instead he got nothing. "Let's see what I can remember from my residency... What is a cholecystectomy?"

"Removal of the gallbladder."

Derek made a face. "I guess that was too easy. What percentage of the liver's blood supply comes from the hepatic portal vein?"

"Seventy-five percent."

"Good, I think. Though it's been a while, so you may want to check on that one before the test..."

Her lips curled upwards.

Derek breathed a sigh of relief at having finally gotten a reaction out of her. "Not so helpful, huh?"

She turned her head to face him, meeting his eyes for a moment. "You're helping."

He offered her a smile, knowing she wasn't just talking about the studying. "You're going to kick ass on the exam."

She nodded absently before facing forward once again.

Derek remained silent as he navigated his car into the hospital parking lot. "We're here," he announced as he pulled into a parking space.

"Yeah..." She mumbled, reaching for her seatbelt.

Meredith allowed Derek to take her hand as they walked together to the front doors, and he took that as a good sign. She wasn't pulling away; she was just...distant. Numb, she kept saying. And he understood. Susan was the closest thing to a mom she had ever had. To lose her so suddenly had been a shock to them both. She just needed time, he knew. And in just two more days he could give that to her. Just two more days until they were free of the hospital for two weeks. Just two more days.

As much as he wished he could take her away from all of this right away, he knew he had to let her set the pace, and had to let her decide how she wanted to do things. If she wanted to go to the hospital before the funeral, he would go with her. If she didn't want to ask for permission to write the test another day, he would support her in that. They were already letting her write it a few hours after the other interns, allowing her time to get back from the funeral.

"I'm going to go find Bailey," she told him as they entered the hospital.

He nodded. "Okay. I'm going to check on my patients, and I'll meet you at the Nurses' Station?"

She nodded. "Okay."

He pressed a kiss to her cheek before heading off in the opposite direction.

All of his post-op patients were doing well. He didn't have any pre-op patients, as he was only scheduled to work today and tomorrow, before being off for two weeks. Deciding he may as well get some paperwork done, Derek was on his way to his office when he was paged to the ER.

"Damnit," he muttered, heading back downstairs to the ER. He didn't have time to get roped into a surgery right now.

Mark, Addison, Burke and Callie were already waiting. "Did everyone get paged?"

Burke nodded. "Seems that way."

Addison made a face. "That can't be good."

"Sure it can," Mark spoke up. "Maybe can be letting us know I won the race for Chief."

"Not today he isn't," Bailey called, arriving in the ER. "He's making his recommendation to the Board tomorrow for Chief of Surgery and Chief Resident."

"Then why were we all paged?"

"Search and Rescue found those lost climbers who were up on Mount Rainier."

Richard appeared behind Bailey. "The climbers are on their way in."

"Any specifics?"

"They've got three so far. One's still missing. They're reporting severe dehydration, with traumatic head and chest injuries. It's an all hands on deck situation."

They all nodded and turned to head out and meet the ambulances.

"Derek," Bailey called, causing him to stop.

"Bailey?"

The shorter surgeon hesitated. "How's my intern?"

Derek felt his brow furrow. "Didn't she find you?"

"She found me," Bailey agreed, "But she didn't say much. I'm...worried."

"Me too."

"Wouldn't the Chief let her write the test tomorrow? I'm sure there are rules about extenuating circumstances."

"She doesn't want to ask."

"But-"

He held up a hand. "Trust me, Bailey, I'm as worried as you are. She's practically a shell of herself, and she's not talking. But there's nothing I can do to shake her out of it. She just wants to get everything over with."

"Has she been studying?"

"She's been trying. I'm not sure how much she's been absorbing," he said honestly. "I try to ask her questions and she answers without thinking." He shrugged. "But she's always right. She knows her stuff. I just hope she can stay focussed long enough to get through the exam."

"You're going with her to the funeral?"

He smirked. "No, I just like to wear black suits to work for fun."

She gave him a look. "You take care of that girl, Derek."

"I'm doing my best." And he was. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her.

After helping triage the three climbers brought in from Mount Rainier, Derek assigned doctor Weller to the climber with the spinal injury and glanced at his watch. It was time to leave.

He pulled off his protective coverings, scrubbed his hands and headed upstairs for the Nurses' Station on the surgical floor.

He had caught a glimpse or two of Meredith, staring through the glass windows of the ER with her friends when the climbers had first been brought in, but after that she had been gone. He had no idea how her morning was going.

Meredith was standing at the Nurses' Station with Cristina and George when Derek stepped out of the elevator. Her head turned and her eyes changed for a moment, in what he was pretty sure was relief. That was a good sign.

He offered her a warm smile. "Are you ready?"

"She will be as soon as she tells me what biloma is," Cristina stated before Meredith could say anything.

Meredith sighed. "It's an interperitoneal bile fluid build up."

Derek smiled as he stopped beside them, his hand falling on Meredith's lower back. "Correct."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "That was an easy one."

"They're all easy when you can see the answer," George piped up. Cristina had been hogging his wife's study cards.

"You ready?" Derek asked again, quietly.

Meredith leaned into him ever so slightly and nodded. "Yeah."

"Uh, Mer..."

Meredith turned to George and shook her head. "George, I got to go."

He nodded, motioning behind them. "It's your dad."

Meredith turned quickly, Derek following suit. The moment he laid eyes on Thatcher's face, though, he knew exactly what was about to happen.

Thatcher stumbled towards them from the elevator, dressed in a black suit, but with the appearance of being unkempt. His tie was crooked and his jacket hanging open. From the redness in his eyes, and his smell, Derek could guess the older man had been drinking.

Meredith stammered beside him. "Hey...we were just on our way to..."

With a headshake, he cut her off. "No...no..." He glared at her before swaying before them. "I came here...to tell you you're not wanted. I don't want you at any funeral, Meredith!" He swung his hand in front of them to emphasize his point. His expression was angry, but he couldn't keep his gaze focused.

"Thatcher," Derek started, finding his voice. "You need to calm down."

The older man glared at him, for a moment finding focus. The focus quickly switched back to Meredith. "She trusted you! She came to you for help," he spat. "And you killed her! You did. You killed my wife! You took her from me!" He leaned in close to Meredith, angry and waving his hands.

Unable to allow the close proximity after having watched Thatcher strike his daughter only days before, Derek stepped forward, wedging himself between the two Greys. "Thatcher, you need to calm down," he repeated. "This was not her fault."

Thatcher's eyes flashed at him, and for a moment, Derek thought the older man was going to hit him. "You," he finally spat. "You...should run for the hills. She's not worth it. She'll...take everything good from your life."

Derek grabbed a waving hand and stepped into Thatcher's space. "Stop," he commanded. "You're upset, and you don't know what you're saying. It's okay to be angry about Susan, but it's not okay to come and do this."

Thatcher sneered at him. "I know...exactly what I'm...talking about. You hear me? Get out while you can. She's just like her mother. All they do is ruin things."

"Dad!" A voice cried from the elevators, as Molly Grey-Thompson rushed to the scene.

Calming somewhat at the appearance of his daughter, Thatcher stopped fighting Derek, and with a push back, Derek released his arm.

"I don't...I don't want to see you," Thatcher continued, now looking at Meredith again. "I don't want to hear from you. And I do not want _you_ anywhere near her funeral!" Molly continued prompting him, grabbing his arm and tugging him back towards the elevators.

Derek reached a hand to Meredith's back, trying to show his support. She was frozen, her face white and her eyes empty.

"Do you understand me?" He cried.

"Dad, come on," Molly repeated, pulling on his arm. "Lexie's waiting in the car. We have to go."

Finally conceding to his daughter, Thatcher allowed himself to be pulled back a few steps, but didn't stop his angry ranting. "She meant everything to me! She was all I had!" With one last glare at Meredith, he turned around and followed Molly to the elevators, repeating, "She was all I had!" Until the doors of the elevator closed.

The second his ranting was cut off, all attention was on Meredith. She still wasn't moving.

"Hey," Derek prompted gently, turning towards her.

She shook her head, swallowing hard.

"None of what he said was true."

"Derek's right," Izzy agreed. She had shown up around the same time Thatcher had.

"It's true," Cristina added.

"You didn't do anything wrong." George this time.

Despite the warm support of her 'family,' Meredith didn't seem to hear any of it.

"Meredith?" Derek prompted. "Meredith!"

She almost flinched, finally turning to him, though her eyes didn't seem to be able to meet his. She inhaled shakily. "I..."

Glancing around at all the on-lookers, Derek wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and led her away from the public area. "Come on."

He found an empty conference room, and herded her inside.

Her eyes were red and downcast, her face still pale and her body passive. He pulled out a chair and pushed her to sit, quickly sitting beside her and sliding as close as he could.

"Meredith, none of this was your fault."

She shook her head. "She had the hiccups."

"That doesn't make this your fault."

"I could have stopped it. I was standing right there in the clinic. They looked to me for answers." She sniffed. "I let her down."

He shook his head. "You didn't let anyone down, Meredith. There was no way you could have known this would happen. No way. There isn't anything you should have done differently. You did everything you could for her."

She placed her right hand against his chest, over his heart and whispered, "Maybe he was right."

"He's angry and upset and hurting. And drunk. He wasn't right about anything."

Not seeming to hear him, Meredith placed her left hand beside her right, both flat and pressed into his chest, not pushing; just resting there. "Maybe you should get out while you can," she breathed, a single tear streaking down her cheek.

His heart broke. "Hey," he said sharply, his hands reaching to cup her face as he used his tone and his hands to force her eyes to his. "I'm not going anywhere. Not ever. Do you hear me? I'm in this forever."

"I just...he's right. These things keep happening to me, to the people around me."

"They happen to _us_," he corrected. "And you better not be thinking what I think you're thinking, because you made me a promise."

"I don't want to be an obligation," she whispered, echoing her words from that morning.

"You're not," he assured, his fingers moving along her neck, searching for the thin chain she wore. When he finally found it, he pulled upwards until he found the ring. "Here," he murmured, pulling her left hand off his chest and wrapping her fingers around the ring. "You're stuck with me, okay?"

She released a sob as she nodded, her fist clenched around the ring on her own. The fingers of her right hand followed suit, closing around the fabric of his suit jacket, as she pulled herself into his chest.

The relief he felt at her finally crying after four days wasn't nearly enough to counter the pain in his chest at the how broken she was. He wrapped his arms around her as tight as he could and held her as she cried into his chest. "It's okay," he murmured. "I'm here. I love you."

Eventually she gave up her grip on his shirt and her ring and chose to wrap her arms around his neck. He loosened his grip to allow the change in position, and then closed his arms around her again, his hand running up and down her spine, offering her as much comfort as he could. His chest ached every time she sobbed against him, but there was nowhere else he would rather be right now.

When her tears finally dried up, she lifted her head and offered him a brace smile. "I think I got your shirt wet..."

He released a laughing breath and wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks. "That's part of the job description."

She sucked in a deep breath and inhaled. "Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you too," she responded, and then whispered, "Derek?"

"What?"

"I feel like I'm barely hanging on..."

"I know," he murmured, pressing his forehead against hers. "I know, Meredith. And it's not fair. And it's not right. But it is going to be okay."

"I believe you."

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. He cocked his head and prompted, "But..."

"These things keep happening. What if...what if it's not enough?"

"What if what isn't enough?" He asked, but one look into her eyes and he knew. "Hey, it's enough," he said quickly. "I love you enough now to last forever. It's never going to be too much to handle." He fingered the cool platinum of the ring that now hung outside her top, before his fingers migrated to the soft skin along the edge of her cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, Meredith. You can count on that."

Her hand reached up to grip her ring again. "Are you sure?"

He slid his hand back down to close around hers. "Absolutely. You're the love of my life, Meredith."

A breath escaped her lungs, and with it the tension that had held her body hostage for the last four days seemed to be expelled as well. "You're the love of my life, too," she whispered, as if almost embarrassed to admit it.

He had to smile at her admission. "I'm always going to be here, Meredith." He squeezed her hand, still closed around the ring. "Anytime you need a reminder of that, just touch your ring." He cocked his head. "You're stuck with me, okay?"

"Okay."

When she was calm and ready, he walked with her to the intern locker room. As she was no longer going to the funeral, she would write the test with the others.

Derek had never been more grateful for her friends then he was the moment he followed Meredith into the locker room to find all four of her friends waiting for her, offering pencils, water and energy bars. She got changed, and Derek followed the group to the test room.

Meredith hesitated at the door, turning her head to him.

He offered her a supportive smile. "It's just two hours. Then you can do whatever you need."

"Thank you, Derek."

Heedless of the interns milling around, Derek stepped forward and kissed her. "You're going to kick ass."

She smiled a small, but genuine, smile. "I believe you."

**

With nothing to do for the next two hours, Derek stormed up to his office to change. The damp patch on his jacket made him sick, because Thatcher Grey didn't deserve the tears Meredith had cried because of him. Susan had been a remarkably kind and wonderful woman, and Derek wondered how she had fallen in love with such a man.

How could he be so horrible to his own daughter?

After pulling on a fresh set of scrubs, Derek slammed his office door shut behind him and made his way angrily down to the OR board to check on his patient, which was where Mark found him twenty minutes later.

"Dude, you're starting to scare the nurses. What the hell did the OR board do to piss you off?"

Derek turned his glare onto his former best friend, who held up his hands.

"Don't shoot the messenger. You're blocking the board and apparently you've been here for some time."

"My patient isn't on the board."

Mark nodded. "Weller finished with him. He's in recovery."

"Good."

"Are you okay?" There was genuine worry in his tone now.

Derek sighed. "I'm supposed to be at a funeral right now. My fiancée is writing a test that could define her career. Her father is a jackass who doesn't deserve to be breathing. And there's nothing I can do about any of it right now. So no, I'm not okay, okay?"

Hooking his hand around Derek's forearm, Mark dragged him away from prying ears. "I heard what happened."

"Yeah, well, everyone's probably heard by now," he spat after he had wrenched his arm away from Mark's grasp.

"She'll do fine on the test," Mark offered. He had obviously been working on the supportive thing. "She's kick ass. There's nothing to worry about."

"I know that."

Mark cocked his head. "Then why are you so tense?"

"Because I'm trying to convince myself not to drive down to the funeral and beat the hell out of Meredith's father."

"Crashing a funeral." Mark shook his head. "That's never a good plan. You'd have a good chance of getting mobbed. But if you're really determined I'll come with. Two against an angry mob is slightly better than one."

Derek released a half frustrated, half laughing breath. "Thanks for the offer," he said sarcastically.

Mark shrugged. "Whatever you need."

He paused. "I do need one thing."

Mark's eyes perked up. After months of fighting to get back into Derek's good graces, this was a turning point. "What?"

"Preston made me his best man. I need you to come to the bachelor party."

"You're inviting me to a party?"

"Bachelor party; if you can even call it a party. Right now it's just me and Preston. And I may not even be able to go. Mer's supposed to be at Cristina's party tonight, but after today...I may not be able to go. So I need you to go, so there's at least one guest."

"Thanks...I think. I can help invite more people, you know. How about the Chief?"

"Party's at Joe's. The Chief doesn't drink. No one else is free." He scoffed. "Except Addison. She said she may be able to make it."

Mark made a face, but nodded. "I'll be there."

Derek sighed. "Thanks."

With slight hesitation, Mark spoke up again. "You're not actually planning on crashing the funeral, right? Because Grey's going to need you. And attacking a man who's burying his wife has the likelihood of you ending up dead or in jail."

He scoffed, but shook his head. "Susan wouldn't want that. She'd be furious to know what Thatcher has been doing; how he's been treating Meredith, but she definitely wouldn't want me risking anything right now. And I'll respect that."

"You really liked her." Mark had always been able to read him.

Derek nodded. "It was really nice to see Meredith around her. I thought she'd really found a family."

"But you liked her too. Not just what she did for your girlfriend."

He sighed and nodded, surprised to feel a sudden stinging behind his eyes. "She was an amazing woman."

Mark, ignoring the change in Derek's eyes, slapped him on the back. "Find yourself something to do for the next hour that isn't sending murderous glares at the OR board, and then be with your girlfriend. If you can't make it tonight, I've got your back."

"Thanks, Mark." He hesitated before he said it, but he missed his friend and just didn't have the energy to fight this anymore, "You're a good friend."

One hour and eighteen minutes later, Derek stood by the door to the testing room, waiting anxiously for Meredith to exit. He heard the proctor announce pencils down, and his heart began to beat a little faster. There was a pause, and then the door opened. Relieved interns exited the room in small groups. One, three, eight... He tried to keep count. None of Bailey's interns yet.

And then Alex and George appeared. George offered him a smile. "She's okay," he said as he and Alex walked by. There was another pause, and then the girls appeared in the doorway.

Having been calmed by George's words, Derek felt his heart lurch at Meredith's appearance. Her face was pale, and her eyes were red and puffy. And she looked exhausted.

"Hey," he murmured, moving towards her, ignoring the other interns. Today was not a day for keeping their personal and professional lives separate; not when Thatcher had forced the two together.

She smiled softly when she saw him, welcoming his hug. "Hi," she whispered into his neck as she buried her face into him. Her voice was dry and throaty.

"Are you okay?"

She released a small laugh and nodded. "I think I cried through the whole thing. My test was wet by the end. But I finished it."

Cristina sighed. "She was a little distracting."

Meredith sent her a look. "You sat beside me."

Derek allowed himself to breath easier. Meredith was okay. She had finished the test. She was facing her feelings. She was in his arms.

"You weren't distracting," Izzy piped up, sending a glare towards Cristina. "We're just worried about you."

"I'm okay," she responded. "The test is over. We have the party tonight and the wedding tomorrow. And then two whole weeks where we don't have to be here."

Derek smiled at her attitude. "Two whole weeks," he echoed.

Izzy stared thoughtfully at him. "Have you been out here the whole time?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Checked on my patients. Did some paperwork." He shrugged. "Got Mark to agree to come to the bachelor party tonight so that it's not just me and Preston."

At that comment, Cristina groaned. "Do you think you could get him so drunk tonight that he'll sleep right through tomorrow, and when he wakes up the next day I can just tell him we got married?"

Derek laughed. "Isn't he scheduled to work tomorrow morning?"

Cristina sighed heavily and nodded. "If you were a really good best man, you'd drug him for me tomorrow right before he's supposed to leave for the church."

"As the best man, I'm supposed to be on the side of the groom."

Cristina scoffed. "Whatever. I'm going to go find myself a surgery. There better be something good enough to get me through the next two weeks..." She muttered as she walked away, Izzy on her heels, ready to fight her for it.

Meredith turned to him. "You're the best man?"

He nodded, a smile fluttering to his lips as he realized he hadn't had a chance to tell her. "Preston asked me this morning. Apparently his first choice bailed and everyone else turned him down..."

She giggled. "Still...best man...maid of honour...pretty okay, huh?"

He pecked her lips. "Pretty perfect."

She smiled. "Thank you...for before..."

"That's what I'm here for," he murmured, cocking his head. "You're sure you're okay? I can stay home tonight if you need me..."

Meredith cut him off by gently shaking her head. "Cristina needs me at this party. You go out, have fun. I'm going to try and do the same."

"But-"

"I'm all cried out, Derek. I've spent almost a week going back and forth between feeling numb and feeling sad. And you know what I realized half way through the test?"

"What?"

"That all I lost here was Susan. I loved her. And she died. And that sucks. And I miss her. But the thing with Thatcher today? That doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. I haven't had a father since I was five years old. It hurt; the things he said. But as long as they're not true, then it's okay."

"They're not true. None of what happened was your fault."

She nodded, though her eyes took on a sudden vulnerability.

"And I'm not going anywhere," he assured, able to read her look.

The vulnerability all but disappeared, and she nodded again. "Then it's okay. It hurt and it was embarrassing, but it's okay. I'm okay."

"Okay." He pecked her lips. "If you're okay, I'm okay."


	80. Chapter 80

_**AN: Just a reminder before you read this chapter... The whole George and Izzy thing never happened in this fic, so there are no issue between George/Callie/Izzy. I didn't care one way or another about the whole 'Gizzie' thing (except the name. Hated the name.), but never understood why the show did the back and forth thing with them to just...end whatever had never started. I had no idea how to add that into this story, so I just chose not to have it happen.**_

"This is what you invited me to?" Addison asked, walking up to the table at Joe's that Derek was sharing with Mark and Preston. "This is your big bachelor party?"

Derek shrugged. "It was last minute and I needed some warm bodies."

"Which would explain why I'm here," Mark stated, not missing a beat.

Derek chuckled, but if he was honest with himself, he wasn't minding the plastic surgeon's presence at all. It was almost...nice. Despite all of his intentions not to, maybe he was slowly getting his best friend back.

Addison laughed at the exchange, before quieting. "Why am I the only girl, by the way?" She asked as she took of her coat.

"The girls are doing the bachelorette thing with Cristina. Thought you'd be more comfortable here."

His ex-wife nodded in understanding. They were working on the friend thing too. She understood that he had wanted to include her. "As long as I'm not expected to be the entertainment. I am not stripping," she joked.

"That's okay," Derek countered, "We've seen it already."

"True," Mark added, again not missing a beat.

"I haven't," Preston joined in, causing Derek and Mark to laugh and Addison to glare at the three of them.

"Well, why don't I buy you a drink instead," she offered, now ignoring the laughing. "First round's on me."

"I'll give you a hand with that," Mark called, following her to the bar.

Derek watched them go thoughtfully. For a while there, he had started to believe his ex-wife and his ex-best friend were going to make a go of it. But his talk with Mark the week before had put an end to that thought. And he wasn't sure how he felt about any of it. He was, however, surprised to find himself hoping they could both be as happy as he was.

"So," Derek prompted, turning his attention back to Preston. "Did Cristina write her vows?"

"I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I wasn't allowed to talk about it today because it was test day."

"Right. Of course."

"How's Meredith doing?"

"Okay. I think. I want to kill Thatcher. But she seems to be okay. She's struggling to hold on, but after tomorrow we have two weeks off to deal with everything."

"I'd want to kill Thatcher too, if I was in your position, but that's not going to accomplish anything."

"Hmm, that's what Mark said."

"Meredith didn't deserve what happened this week. She's a very good friend to Cristina."

Derek smiled at this. "They're not like other women, are they?"

Preston laughed and shook his head. "No, they're not."

"But they're worth it. Thatcher gave her this crap today about how I should 'get out while I still can,' and when I look back over the year I get that a lot of things have happened. There's been a lot of stress and pain, but it's all worth it. We've gotten through everything together. So as long as I can remind her that I'm not going anywhere, we should be fine. I've never been happier, regardless of all the crap."

Preston nodded slowly, evaluating his words. "Sometimes I don't feel so sure. Cristina and I...don't always get through everything."

Derek shook his head. "But you have, because you're here." He clapped him on the back. "You're getting married tomorrow."

"Sometimes I just wish we could be stronger."

"You'll get stronger," Derek assured.

"I hope so. Right now I..."

"What?" Derek asked, feeling a streak of genuine concern.

"Nothing. Just cold feet, I guess."

"That's normal. Night before the wedding."

"It'll all be worth it when I see Cristina walking down that aisle tomorrow."

"Exactly." Derek nodded, and any further conversation was cut off when Addison and Mark returned with the drinks.

**

"What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows...?" Cristina whined, half lying on the kitchen table, spinning her margarita glass in front of her.

"You still haven't written anything?" Meredith asked, getting concerned.

"Oh, it's stupid crap."

"No, it isn't," Izzy spoke up from across the kitchen.

"Well, what am I supposed to say?" Cristina demanded, sitting up. "I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life?"

"Take away the sarcasm and it sounds fine," Callie retorted.

Cristina turned to glare at the older resident. "But that's not real. That's not how it works, right?"

"Not really, but it's what you're supposed to say," Callie responded. "It's the right thing to say."

Meredith furrowed her brow both at Callie's words and tone. Callie and George had only been married a few months. Shouldn't she be happier than this? "Just say something nice."

"She's not capable of being nice," Izzy countered. She, being the romantic optimist, had been on the receiving end of Cristina's complaints and ranting several times already that night.

Meredith laughed at her roommate, but turned back to Cristina. "You don't have to say a lot."

Cristina made a face and turned her attention to Callie again. "What did you say?" She asked, picking up a pen and preparing to write.

Callie shrugged. "Don't remember. We were drinking. Pretty much repeated whatever we were told to. Not so romantic."

Cristina sighed. "See, you're lucky. That's what I want. Why couldn't I have fallen in love with George?"

"Oh-kay," Meredith said, walking over to the table and lifting Cristina's drink away from her. "Enough alcohol for you for now," she declared, exchanging an amused glance with Callie.

Her best friend glared at her, but motioned for her to sit. "What are you going to say?"

"What?"

"To Derek. When you get married. What will you say?" She picked up the pen again.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I have no idea. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Isn't it supposed to be personal?"

"Except that it's not. Everyone hears it, Meredith. There's going to be two hundred people listening to me say some stupid, fake, romantic thing tomorrow." She groaned. "I hate Burke for wanting to do our own vows. At least there's no judgement with the standard ones."

"What's the big deal?" Izzy asked, also coming over to sit at the table. She had been making some food that was now in the oven. "It's your wedding. Everyone's supposed to hear it."

"But I don't want anyone to hear it. I don't say stupid romantic things when we're alone, so why should I say them in front of two hundred people?"

"Because it's romantic!"

"But I'm not romantic."

"Then why are you getting married in a church in front of two hundred people?" Callie asked, also sitting at the table.

"I don't know. Ask Burke. I wanted to get married at city hall."

"Just tell him you love him more than surgery," Meredith suggested, only to end up on the receiving end of her best friend's glare. "What?"

"I don't love him more than surgery. I'm a surgeon. It's what I do."

"Fine. Think about how much you love surgery and say that to Burke."

Cristina laughed. "It could work."

Izzy scoffed. "What is wrong with you? The man you love wants to marry you. You're supposed to be looking forward to this. Marriage is amazing."

Despite Cristina's rather unsupportive response back to Izzy, Meredith felt a sudden overwhelming sense of wanting. She wanted to be married to Derek. She didn't want a big wedding with romantic declarations of love, but she wanted to be married. Soon.

Now.

Her thoughts, however, dissipated as she recognized unhappiness in Callie's eyes. Being newly married, shouldn't she be smiling at Izzy's insistence on how great marriage was? Instead, the orthopaedic surgeon's eyes were downcast and her face frowning.

That made Meredith frown.

**

"Cheers!" Mark called, as the three men celebrated their forth rounds of drinks. Addison had been called away, leaving the three of them again.

"This is nice," Preston commented after he had taken a sip.

"Mmm," Derek agreed with a nod, putting his glass down.

"Especially for Derek," Mark piped up. "Brunette by the bar is checking you out. She's been staring for at least ten minutes."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Shut up."

"I'm serious."

"Whatever. I'm taken." He took another sip of his scotch. "Why don't you go over?"

Mark shook his head. "Dude, you never ditch a bachelor party...not that you can call three people, _including_ the groom, a party."

"Don't be making fun of my party," Derek retorted. "Next time you won't be invited. And Preston is having a good time. Aren't you?"

"Absolutely," Preston said with a laugh.

Mark scoffed. "You two are pathetic."

"I'd like to see you round up more people on such short notice."

Mark shot him a look, but remained quiet, obviously having nothing to say in his own defence.

**

"You have to come up with something to say, Cristina," Izzy practically yelled, "Otherwise you're going to be standing up there with nothing to say!"

Meredith shook her head as she leaned back against the couch. They had moved into the living room once the food had been ready. Izzy was sitting on the other side of the couch. Callie was in the chair and Cristina was sprawled across the shorter couch, her hands over her face, groaning as Izzy lectured her.

"I hate this! Vows are stupid. Weddings are stupid. This whole thing is stupid."

"We're going around in circles," Meredith spoke up.

"Can't you guys just write something for me? You're my stupid bridesmaids. Isn't this your job?"

"Definitely not."

Cristina continued to grumble. "Some maid of honour you are."

Meredith giggled. "Fine; just tell him you love him and can't imagine your life without him."

"That's way too generic," Izzy cut in before Cristina could answer. "Vows are supposed to be personal."

"How about telling him you love him more than aortic dissections?" Callie suggested. "That's personal."

Cristina made a face. "But I _really_ love aortic dissections."

"How about appendectomies?" Meredith suggested.

"That would work. I definitely love Burke more than appendectomies."

"That doesn't work!" Izzy called, clearly frustrated. "Seriously? What is wrong with you people? You have that thing everyone else is looking for, and this is how you feel about love?"

Cristina shrugged. "Apparently."

"Well, it's wrong."

"How is it wrong? It's the three of us against you. You're wrong."

"I'm not wrong."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you-"

"Okay!" Meredith called. "This could go on for a really long time."

"How about we have a contest? Who can come up with the best vows? I'll be the judge."

Meredith rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at her best friend. "You're pathetic."

"No, you're pathetic," Cristina countered, having barely flinched when the pillow landed on her chest.

"No, I'm-" She cut herself off. Arguing wasn't going to help. "Just...tell him how he makes you feel."

"Right now he's making me feel stressed, angry and hateful of weddings. But I'm pretty sure wedding Barbie over there would have a problem with me getting up in front of two hundred people and saying that. Plus, I'm pretty sure Mama would assassinate me."

"Other than the stressful wedding stuff," Izzy prompted. "What made you say yes to marrying him?"

"He banned me from his surgeries until I said yes."

Silence fell as the three bridesmaids exchanged a look. They needed to get Cristina to write something.

"How about telling him how glad you are to have found someone you can love at work and at home." Callie suggested.

Izzy nodded her agreement. "That's a good start."

Cristina sat up and reached for her pen and pad of paper – the ones she hadn't actually used yet. "Okay, what else?"

"Tell him you look forward to your future," Meredith offered.

"And you're glad he's a heart surgeon, because you trust him to take good care of your heart," Izzy finished.

Cristina made a face of disgust, but recorded the words anyway.

Meredith laughed. "That's really corny, Iz."

Izzy huffed and kicked at her roommate. "Whatever. I won't be helping you when it's the night before your wedding and you can't think of anything to say."

"I'm not getting married like this. We're staying small. And after this, I'm going to tell him I want the standard vows. We know how we feel about each other." She shook her head. "I'm with Cristina. I don't want to announce that to the whole freaking world."

"Why are you two so difficult?" Izzy complained.

Cristina shrugged. "You're the difficult one."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are..."

Meredith sighed and exchanged a look with Callie. This was going to be a long night.

It was a little more than an hour later that the party was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. And before they could hear or see who it was, Meredith knew it was Derek. There was a shuffling as he put his jacket and shoes in the closet, and then he appeared in the hallway, smirking at the sight. "You ladies having fun?"

Meredith tried to glare at him, but ended up smiling at his expression. He was trying hard to hold back a laugh. Wedding paraphernalia and rolls of toilet paper were everywhere. Izzy was currently wrapping bands of toilet paper around Meredith's torso.

Unable to help himself, he strode forward. "I see you decided to wear a dress after all."

She made a face. "Shut up. It's a stupid game and I lost."

He laughed and turned his attention to Cristina. "Your groom says hi. He's looking forward to tomorrow and won't be hung-over."

"I can't say the same for myself," was Cristina's reply. "I hate weddings."

"We've made a lot of progress tonight, as you can see," Izzy said sarcastically.

"Mmm, I do see." He turned back to Meredith. "I'm going to go to bed and leave you ladies to your party."

"Okay."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "You okay?"

She smiled back at him and pecked his lips. "I'm okay."

"Okay." He kissed her again. "I love you."

She felt her cheeks redden ever so slightly at the amount of attention he was giving her while the three other women looked on attentively, not even bothering to pretend to be giving them privacy. "I love you, too," she whispered.

He kissed her one last time before turning and heading up the stairs.

"He's so sweet," Izzy commented as she continued to wrap the toilet paper around Meredith's torso. "Seriously, Meredith, he's perfect."

She smiled. "He kind of is."

**

Meredith groaned early the next morning as a pager awoke her. Some time early that morning, possibly only an hour or two ago, she had stumbled up to her bedroom and tucked herself into bed next to her fiancé. Behind her, Derek echoed her groan and reached across her to blindly swipe his hand across the nightstand. When his fingers found the vibrating object, he pulled it towards himself and blinked wearily before sighing and planting a kissing between Meredith's shoulder blades.

"It's mine. Consult."

She turned in his arms and tucked herself into his chest. "Sorry."

He pressed his lips to her forehead and chuckled. "No, you're not."

"No, I'm not," she agreed. "But I am sorry you have to go in so early."

"Just one more day," he reminded.

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed, closing her eyes.

"Okay," he murmured sleepily. "I have to get up before I fall asleep again."

"I..." She began, but trailed off.

"What?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

"Meredith."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes, offering him a small smile. "Can you just...stay...for one more minute?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just...I still feel...Can you just remind me that I'm okay?"

"Oh, Mer," he mumbled, understanding. She just needed a minute. He wrapped his arms around her. "I'm here. Just one more day."

She nodded against his chest. "I just have to make sure Cristina walks down that aisle today. Then everything will be okay."

"This time tomorrow, things will be better."

Meredith giggled. "Because we'll be sleeping."

He chuckled. "Okay...twenty-eight hours from now things will be better."

"Mmm, okay," she let her head rest against the pillow, her nose tucked against his chest.

"Our friends are getting married today. And then it's our turn." He ran his hand in circles on her back.

She smiled and closed her eyes. "Our turn...just have to get Cristina down the aisle..." She mumbled sleepily.

"Sleep, Meredith," he murmured, his words falling warmly against her forehead. "Just sleep..."

And that was the last thing she heard. The next thing she knew, Cristina was shaking her awake. "The hospital is calling. Let's go!"

With a groan, Meredith reached her hand across the cold sheets beside her. By the light coming through the windows, Derek had been gone for a couple hours. She rolled over and glared at her best friend. "I'm trying to sleep."

"But you're being paged."

"No, I'm-" She was cut by the unmistakable sound of her pager going off. She groaned. "Why?"

"Because. Now hurry up."

"Are they paging you too?"

"No, but they paged everyone else, so it must just be a mistake."

Meredith rolled out of bed and stumbled towards the bathroom. "Give me five minutes. And get me coffee!" She called after Cristina. Red eyes and a puffy face made up her reflection in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. She made a face and closed her eyes, hoping for a short and uneventful day at the hospital before the wedding.

She didn't get her wish.

She spent her day dodging sympathetic looks from other doctors, nurses and hospital staff, catering to the Chief's pregnant and disillusioned wife, dealing with her anxious best friend, and waiting apprehensively for her test results. After crying through the test the day before, she couldn't even remember a single question. At the time she had felt confident enough leaving the test room, but now she felt a building sense of dread.

"You're hogging the mirror," Izzy stated, bumping Meredith's shoulder. They were in the intern locker room, rushing to get ready for the wedding, as they were out of time. After Mama had taken Cristina's eyebrows, Meredith had had to force her best friend out of surgery and into pre-wedding clothes, putting them behind schedule.

"Okay," she mumbled, moving over, rolling her mascara over and over in her fingers.

"You okay?"

She sighed and turned to her roommate. "Do you ever...have doubts?"

"About what?"

"Everything."

Izzy smiled. "All the time," she stated, before turning and heading back to her locker.

Meredith shook her head, trying to snap out of it. She had barely slept in the past week. Maybe she was starting to lose her mind. There were just too many things to think about; too many things to worry about. She needed it all to stop. She was exhausted.

With a deep breath, she twisted open her mascara and carefully applied it before stepping back and taking in her reflection. Izzy had done a wonder helping her to hide the bags under her eyes. "Tomorrow," she whispered to herself. Tomorrow this would all be over. She and Derek could spend the whole day in bed and packing. No more hospital and stress – other than meeting his family of course – for two whole weeks.

She swallowed hard. She could do the family thing. It may not have ended well for her the last...every time she had tried it, but she could do this. For Derek. He had a good family, she reminded herself. It was going to be okay.

"Anyone got any deodorant?" Alex called out, breaking Meredith from her thoughts. She made a face and shook her head.

"Uh, you're not putting my deodorant on your hairy armpits," Cristina responded.

"Don't move," Izzy chastised, struggling to draw Cristina some eyebrows, "Or you're going to have a unibrow." She turned her attention to Alex, "I have some in my locker."

"Uh, closed or open?" George asked, his hands on the lapels of his jacket.

Meredith glanced at him. "Closed."

He did up the buttons and she smiled. "Perfect. Dashing."

He smiled. "Thanks."

"You look great," Izzy called, looking up from Cristina's eyebrows. "So do you," she said to Cristina. Except for the rollers, of course." Cristina's hair was up in large rollers, on Mama's orders, to be taken down at the last minute.

"I think she looks beautiful with the rollers," Meredith said. "You should walk down the aisle like that."

Cristina muttered something colourful at her.

"Okay, how do I look?" Izzy turned to Meredith.

"Hmm," Meredith reached up and adjusted a pin in Izzy's hair. "Perfect. Me?"

"Perfect."

Alex appeared from around the corner of the lockers, pulling jacket on. "Open or-"

"Closed." Meredith and Izzy said together, before giggling.

It was kind of nice; the five of them getting ready together. Their own version of a family; the kind of family Meredith could deal with.

Alex whistled. "Grey's right. Yang, you look hot. You should definitely get married in the rollers," he said, before ducking to avoid being hit in the face with a make up brush, causing George to laugh.

Meredith smiled. This was her family. Maybe things were a little less out of control.

The door opened behind them, and Patricia appeared with envelopes. "Moment of truth people."

"Are those our scores?" Alex asked, though no answer was needed.

Patricia quickly handed out the envelopes and was gone.

With shaking hands, Meredith tore hers open. Her eyes ran quickly across the lines of text. Once. Twice. Three times. Before she finally allowed relief to flood her body. She had passed. It was over. No more internship. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against the cool locker in front of her.

"You passed, right?" Cristina said from beside her, worried.

Meredith nodded and stood upright. "You bet your married booty I did." She glanced around. "Everyone else?"

Four smiling and nodding faces greeted her. "Thank god. It's over."

"We made it," Izzy added.

"We're awesome," George piped up, causing them all to laugh.

"We have to go," Alex stated, causing the other four to start moving again.

George was first to the door, and almost smacked right into Derek as he tried to enter.

Meredith met his eyes as he waited for her friends to file past them. She smiled.

He smiled back and stepped into the room once the doorway was clear. "So?"

"I passed."

His smile grew. "I told you." He kissed her squarely on the lips. "You're amazing."

She hooked her arms around his neck and leaned into his chest. "Thank you. For everything."

His hands found her waist and he swayed them slightly side to side. "It's over."

She nodded before pulling back far enough to meet his eyes. "I..."

"Are you okay?" He asked, looking suddenly worried.

"I'm sorry. I'm just tired. I got paged this morning two hours after you."

He nodded in understanding. "And you haven't slept this week. You just have to get through tonight. You can sleep all day tomorrow."

"Trust me. That's the plan." She hesitated. "And...can we talk tomorrow?"

"About what?"

"Just...stuff."

"Meredith..."

"I'm okay," she murmured. "I just...need to tell you now so you can force me to talk tomorrow. I'm just having...doubts...fears...whatever."

"About what?" He was definitely concerned. His hand lifted to cup her face.

She pressed her cheek into his palm and offered him a smile. "Not you. Not us. Just...everything. I worked with the Chief's wife today...she said things... They've been married for so long. And Callie isn't happy. And Cristina is freaking out. And I...I..."

"Oh, Meredith..."

She shook her head, not letting him hug her. Because if he hugged her, she would be done. There would be crying and exhaustion. And she didn't have time for that. "I'm okay. For now, I'm okay. "

He nodded, understanding her. "We'll talk tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

He pressed his forehead against hers. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks. You look good too." She liked seeing him in suits.

"Meredith!" Cristina hissed from the doorway, slamming open the door and breaking the moment.

Meredith sent her an apologetic glance and grabber the wedding dress. "I'll see you at the church," she mumbled quickly to Derek, before pecking him on the lips and hurrying after her best friend. All she had to do was drive Cristina to the church, make sure she got down the aisle, and get through the reception. That was all. Just another few hours. Then this would all be over.

However, after getting her bride to the church and into the dress, and talking her through a freak out when she realized she had scrubbed her vows off her hands, she had watched the groom break the bride's heart and leave the church. Then she had watched the bride lock herself in the bathroom.

"What do we do now?" Izzy whispered, glancing between the door Burke had exited through and the door Cristina was hiding behind.

Callie shook her head. "I don't know, but they're waiting for us." She motioned to the doors leading to the church, where two hundred people sat on the other side; waiting for a wedding that wasn't going to happen.

Meredith sighed. "I'll go. Just...watch to see if Cristina leaves."

Regardless of how quietly she pushed open the doors, two hundred heads turned to face her and watched as she walked alone up the aisle, trying to keep breathing. She met Derek's eyes, and held his gaze as she moved, taking comfort from him. He met her at the altar where they exchanged quiet words.

"What's going on?"

"Burke took off."

"What?"

"He..." She coughed. "He told her he loved the person he wanted her to be, and then he left."

"Shit," he swore. "Cristina?"

"Locked herself in the bathroom before we could stop her."

"What do we do?" She asked. Everything was now completely out of control. This was not how things were supposed to happen. Burke and Cristina were supposed to be getting married. Meredith and Derek were in the wedding party...they were so much the same...they were next in line to get married. How had this happened?

"You go and help Cristina," he said knowingly. "I'll tell everyone."

Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded. "Thank you."

"And Meredith," he whispered before she could turn away, "It's going to be okay."

She heard his words, but for the first time, they didn't make her feel any better.

Concern lined his eyes, but he squeezed her hand and nodded, telling her to go back down the aisle and help her friend.

All eyes were on her once again as she hurried back down the aisle, listening to Derek begin his announcement.

"She's gone," was the first thing she was greeted with as the heavy doors closed behind her. "She took your keys and she took off."

"She went after him," Meredith muttered. "We're about to be flooded with nosey guests." She turned to Izzy. "Can you drive me?"


	81. If you love someone

Derek sighed as he listened to Meredith's cell phone once again go to voicemail. It had been hours since he had sent her back down the aisle to her friend, and he hadn't heard from her. He was currently sitting on their bed, leaning against the headboard, cell in hand, praying for her to call.

"Hey. It's me. Again. I'm not trying to... Could you just call me, or text me? Just let me know you're okay. I'm getting worried. I hope Cristina is okay. Tell her...well, she probably doesn't want to hear anything from me. Just...let me know you're okay. Please." He paused. "I love you, Meredith. More than anything. I..." He trailed off as the recording cut off with a beep.

He sighed; it wasn't like he had anything left to say anyway; it wasn't his first message. It was a little after midnight, and despite his limited sleep the last week, he found he couldn't sleep now. Not until he knew she was okay. Her words to him earlier had Derek worried. After everything that had happened... She deserved peace. They were supposed to have danced together and laughed as Cristina got dragged into reception activities she would hate. And then they were supposed to sleep the day away tomorrow, spend some actual time together, and pack for their flight the day after.

He had expected to spend Sunday, the day between Burke and Cristina's wedding and their flight to New York, resting and happy. He had expected to tease his fiancée about her nerves. He had expected to reassure her; to convince her that his family would love her. He had expected quiet.

But it was now the first hour of Sunday morning and nothing was going as expected.

Upon hearing from Izzy that Meredith was with Cristina at her apartment, and that Burke was gone, Derek had tried to contact the older man. But Burke was nowhere to be found or heard from. After being forced to answer too many questions when he had shown up at the hospital several hours earlier, Derek had given up and gone home. If Burke didn't want to be found there was nothing he could do about it.

A knock at the bedroom door pulled him from his thoughts, and for a moment, Derek's heart leaped, until he realized Meredith wouldn't be knocking on their own door. "Yeah," he called.

The door opened and Izzy's head peeked in. Her eyes were red. She had been crying. Derek knew she had spent some time with Cristina, until realizing it was better if just Meredith stayed for now. "Is there any word from Meredith?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

"Have you called her?"

"Several times. Her cell goes straight to voice mail."

Izzy sniffed. "Poor Cristina."

He nodded. "I cannot believe Burke would do such a thing."

"He seemed so sure. But the things he said to her..."

Derek offered her a sympathetic face. "At least Mer's with her."

Izzy nodded. "Yeah."

He sighed and stood. "I'm going crazy here. I'm going to go back to the hospital; see if I can find myself a surgery or something. Can you call me if you hear from Mer?"

"Of course."

**

It was almost seven that morning when Derek scrubbed out of the surgery he had stolen, with minimal guilt, from one of his residents. It had been successful, but now left him exactly where he had been hours before. Anxious and waiting.

"I see you're here too," Bailey stated, meeting him at the door to the scrub room as he dried his hands.

He nodded. "Couldn't sleep."

"How is Cristina?"

Derek shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't heard from anyone since the church yesterday." He reached to his waist band for his cell phone, and breathed a sigh of relief when he read the small screen. _Three messages._ All three from their home phone. Finally.

"There are rumours...was Burke really the one to..."

Derek nodded.

Bailey shook her head. "I can't believe it."

"Me either," he said with a sigh. They traded places as Bailey began to scrub in for her surgery.

"Let me know if you hear anything?"

He nodded. "I will."

The patient had been brought in alone, so there was no family to talk to. Derek headed for his office and quickly changed out of his scrubs before collapsing in his desk chair and dialling in to his voice mail.

The first message he thought was a hang up, and was about to skip past it after close to fifteen seconds of static. And then he heard her voice. "Hi...it's me...I..." And then silence. Eventually the message ended.

Derek felt his heart start beating hard in his chest, though he didn't know why. He skipped to the next message.

"Sorry...that was me...before...I, uh..." She sniffed. "I'm sorry, Derek...I'm so sorry. I can't...right now...there's too much..." Her tone was high, but voice quiet, as if she was exhausted and losing control. "Everything is... I can't hold on anymore. I need..." Another sniff, and when she continued he could tell she was crying. "I love you, Derek. I love you so much. But it scares me. And I...I..." The message ended.

Feeling like his heart was about to explode through his chest walls, Derek skipped to the last message, hoping it held the answers he needed.

"Cristina's...not good." Her voice was clearer as she began her third message. She had obviously taken the time to get herself together. "Burke is gone and Cristina got left behind...and she's...she's exactly like me and I would need this too..." She paused before the rambling got out of control. "She called and turned the two first class tickets into three business class tickets and Izzy and I are going with her on her...well, what was supposed to be her honeymoon," she said quickly. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. But I..." She trailed off and when she spoke again, it was in a quiet whisper. "I can't handle this right now. There's too much." Now she was crying into the phone. "I love you so much, I do, but I can't handle the family thing right now, not after everything. I can't even think." She paused, and for a moment, Derek thought she had hung up. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again. "I really wanted this. I wanted to do all these things with you. I did. I-I do. I just...can't breathe. I'll...call when we get there. I...love you, Derek. Please know that." And then she hung up.

With tears in his eyes, Derek shook his head, trying to convince himself this wasn't happening. Why hadn't he stayed home and waited for her? He scrolled furiously through his phone log, trying to find out when she had called. She hadn't told him what time she was leaving. He didn't know if she was still at home, or if...if she was already gone.

Did he know what time Burke and Cristina were supposed to leave? Closing his eyes, he tried to pull up every conversation he had had with Burke in the past week. Cristina had been complaining about having to get up early the day after the wedding. He remembered Burke telling him that. But with the long flight, it was the best time to leave. Eight-thirty. He was almost positive it was eight-thirty.

It was a little after seven now.

He might be able to catch her.

Grabbing his cell phone, keys and wallet, Derek sprinted from his office, down the hall and past the elevator to the stairs. He had to get there in time. He couldn't let her get on that plane. Not like this. Not now. Not after everything they had been through this past week.

She had been hit by so many things. Too many things. He knew she had been struggling; had barely been able to hang on. But the bad was over now. She had to know the bad was over.

The lobby was just starting to get busy as he sprinted through, ignoring the questioning look his ex-wife sent him as he flew past her and through the front doors. There was a cab dropping someone off. He had planned on taking his car, but a cab would be faster at the airport. He wouldn't have to worry about parking.

"Can you take me to the airport?"

"Of course, Sir," the driver said.

Derek threw himself into the back seat and pulled the door closed. "As quickly as possible."

"Of course."

Pulling out his cell phone, Derek hit the first speed dial and waited, not surprised when the voicemail picked up automatically. "Meredith. It's me. I got your messages. I'm on my way to the airport. Please wait for me. Please. I...I need to talk to you. Please. I love you."

He ended the message and began tapping nervously on the side of the cab. This couldn't be happening.

At first he was angry; she had no right to do this. She had no right to do this to him. They had plans. They were supposed to go away together. There were flights and hotel reservations. His family was expecting them. She couldn't just run away from these things. They were supposed to make these decisions together. How could she possibly think this was okay?

But she wasn't thinking. She was exhausted and terrified and her world was falling apart around her. He knew this. It made his heart ache to think of how she must be feeling right now.

Still, this wasn't fair. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than rushing to the airport a little after seven in the morning to stop the love of his life from getting on a plane that would take her away from him for two weeks without her even telling him to his face. For a moment he seethed. This wasn't fair.

However, as the cab travelled closer to the airport, his anger melted into frustration. This wasn't fair for either of them.

Meredith wasn't doing this to hurt him. She loved him; he knew that. She had just reached her breaking point.

She had been shoved past her breaking point.

She had taken everything life had thrown at her and had done her best to hang on.

This was what she had been talking about the previous day. She had tried to tell him something was wrong. She had told him she was barely hanging on.

And Burke leaving Cristina at the chapel the night before had been the heel of a shoe smashing down on the fingers she had been holding on with.

No one had seen it coming.

Frustration became desperation.

He needed her. He couldn't let this happen.

After everything they have been through, he couldn't let her get on the plane feeling the way he knew she was feeling.

He glanced at his watch, willing time to slow down to allow him to get to the airport in time.

True to his request, the driver got him to the airport quickly. "Thank you. Keep the change," Derek called as he pressed several bills into the driver's hand. He dashed into the airport and paused, struggling to remember which airline to look for.

Desperate, he found a set of flight monitors and his eyes shot back and forth before he picked up on the 8:25 flight to Hawaii. That was it. He was at the wrong end of the terminal. It was almost ten to eight. If the girls had already passed through security, he would have no chance of catching them; would have no chance of catching _her._

Running down the terminal, he dodged families and weary travellers, heedless to the glares sent his way. He _needed_ to get there no matter what. He needed to find Meredith.

The line up area for security was packed when he got there and he struggled to get a view of the many passengers. "Meredith!" He called, earning himself several curious and annoyed stares, but none from the woman he loved. "Meredith!" He tried again, moving to the next line.

He was just about to start screaming her name when he spotted the three girls near the very front of the far line.

"Meredith!" He yelled, cutting through the last line. She was placing her bag on the conveyor belt. Izzy and Cristina were already moving through the security check. "Meredith!"

Her head turned.

"Meredith," he breathed her name as he stopped in front of her, sputtering to catch his breath.

Her eyes were filled with surprise and fear, like she had no idea what to say. "I..."

Hooking his hand under her elbow, he pulled her to the side for some semblance of privacy.

"Derek..." She murmured, her eyes now filling with tears. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head, his heart still pounding in his chest from his desperate chase. "Don't be sorry. Don't be anything." He coughed twice before sucking in a deep breath.

"Are you okay?"

"I just got your message. I ran from the other end of the terminal."

"I'm sorry," she said again.

He cupped her face and kissed her, short, but hard and true. "I love you, Meredith."

A single tear ran down her face and he brushed it away with his thumb. "Derek..."

"You were worried yesterday. We didn't have a chance to talk about it."

"You want to talk about that now?" Her voice was cracking. She was barely holding herself together. Exhaustion was floating off of her in waves. He could feel her trembling under his palm. Her eyes were dull and filled with worry.

He nodded. "I want to have that conversation now. What did Adele say to you?"

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"It does," he insisted. What did she say?"

"Just...that happily ever after doesn't exist...and some stuff like that. Stuff about Richard and my mom and their...relationship. It doesn't matter." She sniffed. "Derek, I'm sorry..."

"Don't be sorry." He didn't have a lot of time.

"But I can't do this. I...I want to. I want to be good for you. But I...can't. Burke and Cristina...they were supposed to get married, and now he's just gone. And they were just like us. And Callie and George are already having problems, and they _just _got married. She's not happy. And the Chief and Adele have been married for almost thirty years, and they're getting divorced. And Susan died and Thatcher..." Several tears ran down her cheeks. "I can't do this, Derek. What if there are no happy endings? What if he was right? What if all I do is ruin things?"

"Meredith. No. You haven't ruined a thing. None of this was your fault. Nothing that has happened has been your fault."

"But-"

"Maybe happy endings don't exist," he cut her off. "At least not in the traditional, story book sense. But you're going to be happy, Meredith. _We're _going to be happy. There will be good and bad in our future, but we will be happy. I promise you."

"I want to believe you," she whispered, her voice as broken as her eyes.

He kissed her again. "We're not like them. We're not like any of them. I am not Preston Burke. I'm in this, remember? I'm not going anywhere." He offered her a smile. "You can do all of this. I know you can. You got hit with too many things. Too many people have been able to hurt you. But I love you, Meredith. I'll never hurt you. Not ever." He glided his fingers along her neck, searching for the chain, hoping she was wearing it.

She was.

He breathed a sigh of relief and pulled the ring out from under her top. "I gave this to you for a reason, Meredith. You're not just good for me; you're perfect for me. I don't want a moment less than forever with you. You're stuck with me, remember?"

She sniffed and nodded, allowing him to close her hand around the ring, his hand quickly closing over top of hers.

He pressed his forehead against hers. "I know you're exhausted. And I know you can barely think straight right now. And I know you've had to deal with far more than you should have this past year. But I'm here, Meredith. I love you, and I'm here. I'm always here."

She hooked her free hand around his neck and breathed, her forehead still pressed to his. "I don't know what to do..."

With a heaviness in his heart, Derek closed his eyes for a long moment and breathed, memorizing every aspect of what it meant to have her so close, because he knew what he had to do. And then, after savouring for as long as he could, he pulled back far enough to press his lips against her forehead and meet her eyes. "Go with your friends," he whispered. Get some sleep. Have fun. Just...know how very much I love you and how very much I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Derek..." She trailed off as her voice cracked, uncertainty filling her eyes.

His eyes welling with tears, he nodded. "I understand. I do. And I'll be here when you get back. I promise. Just...call me. Please. When you get there. Let me know you're okay. Please."

Releasing her grasp on the ring, she wrapped both arms around his neck. "I'm so confused right now, Derek."

He closed his arms around her. "I know."

"I just want to be good for you."

He held her even tighter. "You're perfect for me; just exactly the way you are. Don't ever change."

"But I'm so..."

"Perfect," he repeated. "You, Meredith Grey, are everything I'm ever wanted and more. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

He pressed his lips to her neck, cheek and lips, before releasing her. "You don't want to miss your flight."

She seemed torn. "I..."

"I'll miss you, Meredith, so much. But it's only two weeks. And if you need two weeks...in comparison to a lifetime...I can live with that."

"But...are you..." She sucked in a breath, filled with uncertainty and pain. "I..."

"It's okay, Meredith. I'll be okay. I'll go to visit my mom anyway; maybe even take a flight today if I can get one. And I'll be waiting when you get back," he said, trying to comfort her. She was waffling; he could tell. She was exhausted and unsure, and if he pushed her now, she would stay with him. And she would let him take her to New York.

But it wouldn't be right. She needed time to figure things out. And as painful as it was to let her go, he knew he needed to do it. She needed him to do the right thing right now; the right thing for her.

"I wish none of these things had happened," Meredith murmured, clutching to his top. "I was happy and ready and...excited. I wish I could go back to feeling like that. I wish I could just forget..."

He kissed her one last time. "Call my cell when you get there. Please."

"I promise."

"Thank you."

"Derek..."

"It's okay," he whispered. "You can go."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too."

With one last glance, Meredith turned and quickly went through the security doors to where Izzy and Cristina were waiting for her.

Ignoring the curious stares of the many passengers who had witnessed everything, Derek wiped at his face and tried to breathe as he searched for a help desk to see if he could take an earlier flight to New York. He didn't want to be in Seattle without Meredith.

_**AN: Breathe in. Breathe out. It's going to be okay. I promise. This will lead to good things (and a Meredith scene I've envision for a while; filled with stereotypical Meredith rambling). Meredith will meet his family, and Meredith and Derek will swim with the fishes (literally, not metaphorically). Next chapter should be up tomorrow.**_


	82. Chapter 82

_**AN: Just a heads up... This chapter goes back and forth between Meredith (in Hawaii) and Derek (in New York). That's a six hour time difference. Because of the time difference the back and forth won't necessarily be happening at the same time.**_

Staring out the car window at the beautiful scenery unfolding around her, Meredith couldn't help but feel tears stinging the backs of her eyes. It was early afternoon in Hawaii and the weather was perfect, as was the scenery.

The gorgeous beaches.

The magnificent coast lines.

The clear, blue water.

The artistic buildings.

It was Derek who was supposed to be beside her in the cab on the way to the hotel; not Cristina.

She had managed to get some sleep on the plane; enough to feel like she wasn't about to fall down, but not enough for her to be able to make sense of anything that had happened in the last day...two days...three days.

Meredith shook her head. With the staying up with Cristina overnight and the flight and the time change...she had no idea what day or time it was anyway. The airport had said it was Sunday, while it felt like a week had gone by.

"Smile!"

Meredith turned her head, only to be momentarily blinded by the flash. "Not cool, Iz," she mumbled, her hand now covering her eyes. Izzy was sitting in the front seat beside the driver, and had just surprised both Meredith and Cristina with her camera. The blond had long since given up trying to talk to Cristina or shake her out of her near muteness, and had instead become the beacon for bright and bubbly-ness. It was the only way she knew to offer comfort after all else had failed.

Cristina had been silent most of the trip so far. She hadn't said much since she had broken down an hour after her non-wedding. She had chosen the seat on the plane across the aisle from Izzy and Meredith, had pulled a sleeping mask onto her face, and had only pulled it off when the food had been served.

She barely reacted now to Izzy's photo; rolling her eyes and turning back to the window on her side of the car.

Meredith wondered if her best friend was feeling the same way she was. Cristina hadn't expected to share this trip with two other women anymore than Meredith had expected to share her two weeks off with anyone other than Derek.

Izzy exchanged a worried look with Meredith, before turning around in her seat.

Meredith sighed and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Despite the pain, fear and massive amounts of uncertainty about absolutely everything that had overwhelmed her and pushed her to accept Cristina's plea to accompany her on this trip, Meredith's heart ached.

She had already been second guessing her choice when Derek had shown up at the airport.

She had heard him call her name, but hadn't been able to believe it until she heard it again. And when she had slowly turned around, it really was him.

At first she had thought he would beg her to stay; would force her to choose.

And she had almost wanted him to.

But he had surprised her. He really did understand her.

Too much had happened. Too much had gone wrong. After living the first twenty eight years of her life waiting for the ground to be swept out from under her, a single year of feeling loved and protected hadn't been enough to keep her afloat. As much as she loved Derek – and she really, really did – she couldn't be normal and engaged and fly across the country to meet his family. She couldn't go away with him and have everyone they met think they were normal and engaged. She couldn't do any of this until she could believe it herself.

**

Derek lifted his bag into the trunk of his rental car and slammed the trunk shut, before flashing an apologetic glance at the car rental employee who had witnessed his frustration. He had managed to get himself on a flight to New York a day early, and had managed to get his rental at the earlier time as well; a detail he had forgotten before he had boarded the plane. Alone.

And he had landed alone. And he had gotten the car alone. And now he was going to be driving alone.

He wasn't supposed to be alone anymore.

His mother didn't know he was here early. And, for right now, he wanted it that way. He wasn't even sure if he was going there now. It was late Sunday evening, and he wasn't expected until the same time the next day.

Maybe he would stay somewhere else overnight; give himself some time.

Driving out of the parking garage, he opened the car windows and breathed in the thick New York air he hadn't inhaled in a year, almost to the day.

He expected to feel happy to be home, but didn't. This wasn't home anymore. Home was Seattle.

Home was Meredith, and Derek had to fight with himself not to turn the car around and get on a flight to Hawaii.

As much as he hated himself for telling her to get on the plane, he knew he had made the right decision. She needed this. And it was only two weeks.

At the thought of her, he pulled his cell from his pocket, checking for a message. She would be there by now. She should have called.

His cell was off, and upon trying to turn it on, he discovered the battery was dead.

"Shit," he cursed, trying to remember if he had packed his charger.

After booking himself onto the earlier flight, he had taken a cab back to the hospital to check on his patient, and had then gone home to pack. He hadn't had a lot of time, so he had rushed. Not that he had wanted to spend time in the room that was missing its other occupant.

Sighing to himself, Derek pulled into the first hotel he could find. Nothing would be open this late at night, so if he didn't have his charger there was nothing he could do about it until the next morning.

The valet met him as he exited his car, and offered to take his suitcase.

"I'm good," Derek responded, handing over his keys and a tip. "Thanks."

He pushed through the glass doors to the lobby and approached the overly cheerful receptionist.

"What can I do to help you, Sir?"

"I was hoping I could get a room for the night."

"Of course. For one?"

Derek sighed and nodded. "Yeah...for one."

**

Meredith sat cross legged on one of the wrought iron chairs on the marble balcony attached to the honey moon suite she would be sharing with Cristina and Izzy for the next three days until there were other rooms available for them. It had definitely earned them a curious glance from the bellboy who had helped them with their bags, but none of the three girls had the energy to care right about now.

She sighed and leaned back in the chair as she took in the sight before her, holding her cell tightly in her hands. _He was supposed to be here with her, staring out at the beach from the balcony of their suite. She should be wrapped in his warm arms, happy and relaxed and confident._

"Hey!" Izzy said cheerfully, plopping herself down in the other chair. "Have you called Derek yet?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I feel guilty."

"He said you could come," Izzy reminded.

"I know. It's just..."

"It's just what?"

Meredith shook her head. "We had plans for these two weeks. Big plans. It was...it was important. He was so excited for me to meet his family. We were going to start making plans for..."

"Plans for what?"

"For getting married," she whispered.

"You can do that when you get back."

"Yeah, I know. It's just..." She blinked back tears. "I was really looking forward to it all. And now I'm pathetic and terrified and I...I ran away with two other women instead of going with him."

Izzy laughed. "True. But Derek's McDreamy. He'll understand."

"What am I supposed to say to him?"

"Just tell him how you feel."

Meredith scoffed. "I'm supposed to tell him I feel like there's a vice around my chest, that I'm falling and that I feel like I'm missing a part of myself?"

"You're still recovering from Susan dying. And you mother. And yourself..." Izzu paused and made a face, as if just realizing how many horrible events had compounded in the past few months to affect her friend so heavily. "And so much other crap. Just tell him you need time."

"I don't want to need time."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I feel like I'm barely hanging on."

Izzy offered her a sympathetic look. "I'm here for you, Mer. You can talk to me if you need to."

"I don't even know what to say. I'm trying to figure out what has changed. Why am I suddenly so scared?"

"I don't know."

"I mean; I've been scared before. But this is different." Her voice cracked and she paused to swallow hard. "Everything feels so...impossible."

"Impossible like 'my life has gone to hell and I need some time to collect my thoughts?'"

She shook her head. "Impossible like 'how do people be happy?' and how am I supposed to be able to make anything in my life work if I can't stop bad things from happening to the people around me?'"

"Mer..."

She shook her head again; fiercely. "Never mind. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid," Izzy attempted, but Meredith ignored her.

Meredith sighed and turned on her phone. "I just need to get this over with." She furrowed her brow as her phone alerted her to the many missed calls and messages. "Nine missed calls..." She murmured.

"He spent a long time trying to get a hold of you," Izzy offered. "Right after the wedding, when you were with Cristina." She stood, knowing Meredith needed privacy. "Cristina wanted to go to the beach soon. How about you meet us there?"

"Okay." She nodded.

"And Mer?" Izzy said, pausing at the door. "Maybe nothing has changed. Maybe that's why you can't figure it out." Izzy left the balcony, closing the door behind her and leaving Meredith to her own thoughts.

Meredith nodded absently, trying to make sense of it all. Though try as she might, not much made sense to her right now. Tempted as she was to listen to the messages first, she was sure she would find it harder to call after hearing his voice, so she hit speed dial one and put the phone to her ear.

Voice mail picked up right away. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or upset.

"Hi, it's me," she began shakily. "I'm here..."She trailed off with a small, bitter laugh. "It's beautiful here. I...kept thinking about you while we drove to the hotel. I miss you, Derek, I do. I...wanted to do this with you." She paused for a moment, before whispering, "I wish none of this had happened. I love you. You can...you can call me back, if you want... It's probably getting late for you right now if you're in New York...or you may be on a plane...I don't know. But you can call me when you get this message." She hesitated. "Please call me." And then she hung up, her heart aching.

None of the missed calls on her phone had been placed since he had shown up at the airport, so Meredith went back into the hotel room and tossed her phone onto the nightstand. She didn't want to listen to them now.

Quickly, she changed into her bathing suit – the one she had bought for her trip with Derek – and pulled shorts and a tank top over it, before heading down to the beach.

Izzy and Cristina had snagged three lounge chairs and were already sipping on colourful, icy drinks with tiny umbrellas and fruit. It was such a stereotype that Meredith almost laughed. Maybe if she didn't feel lost and numb, and her chest didn't feel like it was shrinking around her heart and lungs, she would have been able to laugh.

"Hey, finally. We got you a drink," Cristina said, motioning towards the pink drink sitting on the table.

"Thanks," Meredith mumbled, making a face.

"They're good," Izzy assured her.

With a sigh, Meredith flopped onto the free chair and cautiously took a sip. Then she shrugged. Izzy was right. It was good.

Izzy had drunk about a quarter of her drink, whereas Cristina was almost done.

"Are you okay?" She asked her best friend.

"I'm fine, Meredith."

"Okay...I just... Are you sure?"

"I'm fine," she repeated. "And I don't want to talk." She slammed her glass down onto the small table beside her chair and got up. "I'm going for a swim. Are you guys coming?" The single word sentences were slowly becoming sentences; so even if the sentences screamed avoidance, Meredith was going to let them go for now.

Izzy nodded and got up.

Meredith hesitated, putting her drink down. "I don't really..." She swallowed. Derek had given her two lessons, but she didn't want to go in the water without him. She _couldn't _go in the water without him. "I'll come to the water at least."

She followed them down and stood right where the water began, allowing herself a smile as the waves pushed the water over her feet. It was nice; warmer than Derek's pond. She closed her eyes and sighed; wishing he was standing next to her right now.

_She could imagine exactly what it would be like. He'd be there beside her. Patient. Happy. Probably holding her hand; giving her confidence. Telling her it was okay. She'd smile back at him and cautiously step forward, trusting him to be beside her. She'd pause and he'd shuffle in behind her; his arms snaking around her waist as they looked out at the water together. They'd have a moment; probably a three moment. Maybe even a two. The water wasn't all that scary for them anymore. He'd make her forget all the other people on the beach. He's make her forget her fears. He'd make her forget every bad thing that had even happened to her._

_ It was what he did every day; helped her to forget the bad._

_ Helped her to experience the good._

When she reopened her eyes, Cristina and Izzy were both in the water. She took a few cautious steps forward, but stopped when the water was around her knees. This was as far as she would go. She was already at a seven; and that was an optimistic estimate.

It was bright. She had her sun glasses, but would have to get a hat if she was going to be out here for two weeks; especially if she couldn't go in the water to cool off.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Meredith turned her head to find a man in a red bathing suit standing beside her, smiling.

She nodded. "Yes. It is."

He raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going in?"

She shook her head. "This is far enough. Swimming...isn't exactly my thing."

He pursed his lips and took a step closer to her. "If swimming isn't your thing, maybe you and I could get a drink and find out what your thing is...?" He smirked suggestively.

Meredith felt her stomach roll. Now she was at an eight. "No thanks. I'm here with my friends and-"

"They can come," he cut her off. "I have friends too. I'm sure we could all get along; figure out our _thing_ together."

"I'm engaged," she stated, finishing what she had been going to say when he cut her off. "And we're fine by ourselves."

He narrowed his eyes. "Engaged, huh? Then where's the ring?" He looked pointedly to her left hand.

"It's here," she responded shortly, annoyed at this guy's presence, as she reached for the chain around her neck, but sputtered when it wasn't there. Panic gripped her. The ring was her tie to Derek right now. Where was it? She had had it at the airport; she knew. She remembered Derek pulling it from under her shirt and pressing it into her hand. It was on a good, strong chain. It wouldn't have broken...

Relief washed over her as she remembered having it in the hotel room. She had taken a shower when she arrived, and had taken off the chain. It must still be on the counter in the bathroom.

"It's in my room," she corrected, crossing her arms across her chest.

"You could take me there to show me," he said suggestively.

Meredith rolled her eyes before glaring at the man. "Please just go away."

"Come on. Have some drinks with me. I'll buy."

"Go away," she repeated.

He seemed to take the hint this time and turned away from her, wandering down the beach to the next unsuspecting woman. "Jackass," she muttered.

"Who was that?" Izzy asked, coming out of the water.

"Just some jackass who doesn't know the work no."

"He was hot," Cristina stated. "You should get him back here."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm engaged."

Cristina scoffed. "Like that means anything these days. I'm getting another drink."

"She wasn't talking about you and Derek," Izzy said quickly when Cristina was out of earshot.

Meredith was surprised to feel herself blinking back tears. Nine. Definitely a nine. "I know," she said meekly. "But Derek is probably thinking the same thing right now, isn't he? I abandoned him."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. If he had done this to me I would have felt abandoned."

"Yeah, but you have abandonment issues. He knows that."

"He would never do this," she repeated, knowing it was the truth.

Izzy nodded carefully. "Probably not."

Meredith shook her head as a single tear streaked down her cheek. "Then why am I doing it? Why am I running from him?"

"Because you're scared. You're allowed to be scared after everything that's happened."

"But he hasn't done anything to make me run from him. He hasn't done anything other than..."

Izzy cocked her head. "Other than what?"

More tears fell from her eyes and she furiously swiped her hand at them. "He hasn't done anything other than be there for me, through everything," she whispered. She looked up and met Izzy's eyes. "Maybe you were right before. Maybe nothing changed. Maybe I'm just weak and pathetic and freaked out."

Her roommate sighed and shrugged. "Maybe you did freak out, but Meredith, you're not weak or pathetic. You're scared."

"I have no reason to be scared of him, of any of the things we were supposed to do together."

"It's scary, to meet your future family-in-law, even when all the crap that happened to you didn't happen."

"I was supposed to meet them months ago. It shouldn't matter now."

"Because it's not the only factor to consider, Meredith. Think of how many things have happened in the last...three months alone. You've been through hell."

Meredith inhaled a shuddery breath. "I listened to Burke say all those horrible things to Cristina, and I couldn't help but hear the same words coming from Derek," she admitted quietly. "It has nothing to do with meeting his family. It has nothing to do with the future we have planned. I just...froze. And I can't get those thoughts out of my head."

"Derek would never say those things to you." Izzy's eyes glazed slightly. She wasn't about to cry, but she was affected still by the words Burke had spoken. "He loves _you_."

"I know he does, but..."

"But what?"

"I..." She trailed off when she realized she had nothing to say.

Izzy sighed and hooked an arm around her roommate. "What your father said wasn't true, Meredith."

"This has nothing to do with my father."

"Sure it doesn't." Izzy's tone was full of sarcasm. "I was there when you came home after having dinner with him the first time."

"He's not even...he doesn't mean anything to me."

"But he's your father. He was supposed to love you no matter what, and he left."

"That was a long time ago."

"And then you let him back into your life, Susan died and he said horrible things."

Meredith took two steps out of the water, so it was now at her ankles. She was quickly approaching a ten, and she couldn't be in the water when she hit ten.

"This idea you have in your head about people leaving you? Your father put them there." Izzy continued.

"But it should have nothing to do with Derek."

"But it does. You're scared of losing him."

She nodded. "Even though he hasn't given me any reason to be."

"Sometimes you have to jump, Meredith. Just take the leap. Derek's a good man. He's not going anywhere. He'll take the leap with you." Izzy placed a supportive hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Look at you now. You're in the water; not very far, but still...you're facing your fears."

Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "Progress."

**

Derek pulled into the long driveway that led to his mother's house and parked behind the dark blue SUV that belonged to his sister.

He turned off the ignition and sighed. It had been a long time since he had been here. And he hadn't expected to be showing up alone.

With a glance to the empty passenger seat, he shook his head and let himself out of the car. He still hadn't called his mother to let her know he would be early. It was early evening now. He had wallowed in the hotel until check out time, and had driven around, wasting as much time as possible, before finally turning in the direction of his mother's house.

He pulled his suitcase out of the trunk and dragged it up to the front door.

And then he paused. A year ago, he would have pushed through the door with an 'I'm here!'

Now he knocked and waited.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

Footsteps echoed on the other side of the door.

He took a deep breath and forced a relatively happy expression to his face. His family couldn't know how wrong things were for him. He could do this. He had spent decades hiding his true feelings from him family. He could get through a week or two now.

The door opened, revealing Derek's stepfather. In his late sixties, the older man's hair was wiry and grey, and his face was showing creases and wear. But he still had the same warm smile he had had when he had first met Derek's mother.

"Derek!" Brian greeted cheerfully. "We weren't expecting you for another couple hours."

"I, uh, caught an earlier flight." It wasn't a lie exactly. He stepped into the front hallway.

"It's good to see you," Brian offered, shaking Derek's hand. "Your mother has missed you terribly."

"It's good to see you too," Derek said honestly. He didn't miss New York, but he did miss his family.

His hand still on the door, Brian looked passed his stepson, before meeting his eyes. "Weren't you supposed to be bringing this girlfriend your mother's been telling me about?"

"Yeah...she, uh...there was an emergency. She's not going to make it."

After a long moment, where Derek thought Brian was going to question things further, he nodded and closed to door. "I'm sorry to hear that, Derek. I know your mother wanted to meet her."

"She will. Soon. It's just...things were out of our hands."

"Who's at the door, Brian?" The voice of his mother called from the living room.

"Come and see for yourself, Jane," Brian called back.

Footsteps sounded around the corner, and then his mother came into view. She smiled warmly and sped up when she saw him.

"Derek! You're home!" She strode forward and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight.

"Hi, mom," he greeted, hugging her back, surprised to feel a slight stinging against the backs of his eyes.

She pulled back, leaving her hands on his shoulders as she took in his appearance. "You look good, honey. We've missed you out here."

"I've missed you too, mom."

She clucked her tongue. "You're just saying that."

He smiled and shrugged, playing along.

She shook her head at him, before releasing his shoulders and glancing around the front hall. "Where is Meredith?"

His chest tightened. "She's not going to make it."

Jane's expression turned from curious to worried.

"She's sorry she can't make it," he said quickly, not wanting to deal with his mother's questions. "And I know I should have called and told you ahead of time, so I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Everything just happened so fast and-"

"Oh, honey, what happened?"

He shook his head quickly, willing the stinging behind his eyes to stop. "Her best friend was supposed to get married two days ago. Her fiancé left her at the Church, moments before the wedding. Cristina needs Meredith right now. It couldn't be helped.

His mother looked for a moment like she was going to question his reason, but then she nodded. "I'm so sorry to hear that. The poor girl. But it's good that Meredith is going to be there for her." She didn't believe his response, but she was going to accept it. For now. "Well, come and say hi to your sister. You won't believe how big the kids are getting..."

**

After barely sleeping for over a week, Meredith wished she could sleep now. She had gotten a few hours on the plane, but with the time difference, she should be ready to sleep more. With the time she had lost, she should be able to sleep for days.

But she couldn't sleep now.

The mattress was soft. The sheets were cool and smooth. The air was light and clear.

She should be able to sleep, but she couldn't because it was Izzy's and Cristina's breathing she could hear, and not Derek's.

She didn't want to sleep without him anymore.

Apparently she couldn't sleep without him anymore.

Her fingers tightened around the cell phone clutched in her hands. She had been in Hawaii for a little over twelve hours. It had been eleven since she had called him and left a message. He still hadn't called back.

She knew it was very early Monday morning in New York and the middle of the night in Seattle, but still...she wanted him to call. She didn't have any right to be upset; not after what she had done to him. But she wanted him to call. She needed to hear his voice. She needed to know she hadn't ruined everything in her life.

Tears welled in her eyes. She sucked in a breath and counted to three, willing herself not to cry.

How had she gotten to this place?

Two weeks ago, everything had been fine. Hell, everything had been wonderful. She'd been almost finished with her internship. She'd had a step mother and a sort-of father. Her best friend had been about to get married. And Meredith had been engaged, happy and looking forward her and Derek's trip more than anything.

And now...now everything had fallen apart. Susan was gone. Thatcher had said horrible things. Burke was gone. Cristina was broken. Derek was either three or six time zones away; which, she didn't know. And she was in Hawaii for the next two weeks without him.

The tears streamed down her cheeks, to be absorbed by her pillow. She fought to keep her breathing under control. The last thing she needed to do was gain the attention of her friends. But her chest ached so badly that she could barely hold back the sobs threatening her.

God, how she wanted him beside her.

She wanted his arms around her, his chest pressed up against her back and his even breaths falling against the back of her neck.

She wanted to tell him all her fears and have him promise her everything was going to be okay.

But he couldn't do that. He would, she knew. But she had prevented that. She had run from him, from everything, when she should have been running to him.

She had dug her own hole, or whatever.

**

Derek winced as his bedroom door creaked. It was almost five in the morning on Tuesday, and he had finally given up trying to sleep. After arriving the night before, he had had dinner with his family, and then played with Kathleen's kids until they had been sent to bed. He had quickly used the excuse of his flight, and had gone to bed as well.

Only he hadn't been able to sleep.

He had tried calling Meredith, but her phone had gone straight to voice mail. The sound of her voice in the outgoing message had done little to settle his worries. He wanted to hear her voice live.

Somewhere around two in the morning he had jumped out of bed with the determination to drive back to the airport and get on a flight to Hawaii. He had been half dressed before he had stopped himself.

She needed time. He didn't even know where they were staying. This wasn't a good decision.

If he hadn't heard from her in a few more days, that's when he would go to such extremes.

With a heavy heart, he had gone back to bed.

But still, he hadn't slept.

He had watched his alarm clock approach three, and then four, and then five.

Unable to stand watching the digits actually change to 5:00, Derek got up.

The hallway outside his room was quiet. He padded past several closed doors to the stairs, and descended quietly, allowing himself a smile when he remembered to skip the second to bottom step. It creaked.

The living room was dark as he made his way to the kitchen. He wasn't hungry, hadn't had an appetite in days, but after his long flight the day before, he was thirsty. It was going to be a long day. Only Kathleen had arrived the night before, but Meg was expected today, along with a brother in law and lots of kids. And with his sudden bout of insomnia, Derek already knew it would be a struggle.

He pushed through the two way door leading to the kitchen, expecting to head for the fridge, but paused as he smelled something sweet. Pausing to sniff, he turned and sighed and he met his mother's eyes from the table.

"Help yourself to a cup of tea," she said, motioning towards the tea pot, "And then come and sit with me."

He nodded, and did as he was told.

"Why are you up so early," he asked, sitting down across the table from his mother.

She smiled at him. "I had a feeling you'd need someone to talk to."

He swallowed hard. "I'm fine, Mom."

"Hmm," she responded, in that way that told him she didn't believe him for a second.

"I am," he insisted.

"Derek, honey, what happened?"

He shook his head aggressively. "Nothing. Everything is fine."

"The only time I saw you smile yesterday was when you were with the kids. Other than that you were practically catatonic."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you a doctor now?" He asked lightly.

She smiled. "When you spend enough time around them, you pick up some terms. But let's not change the subject."

"I was tired from my flight yesterday. I'm sorry."

"And that's all?" She asked, though he knew it wasn't really a question.

"Things have been...hard lately. We've been dealing with a hell of a lot of crap."

"And now you're here by yourself."

"Meredith really is with Cristina," he insisted. "Cristina practically got left at the altar, so Meredith and Izzy went with her to Hawaii. She needs them."

"I believe you, Derek. But there's more."

He forced a smile to his face and shook his head. "I miss her. I was looking forward to bringing her here. She was looking forward to being here. That's all."

Very slowly, Jane stood, moved around the table and pressed a kiss to her son's cheek. For a moment, Derek thought he had pulled it off. But then his mother sat beside him. "You've always been a good son, Derek. And a good brother."

He furrowed his brow, not knowing where she was going with this.

"And I think we've taken you for granted."

"What? No."

She nodded, stopping him before he could continue. "You've been too good to us, Derek. We let you give up parts of yourself for us. We took more than we gave to you."

"That's not true."

"It is true. I talked to Nancy after she went to visit you-"

"What I said to Nancy...I was just mad at her for showing up unexpectedly. I didn't mean it."

"But you did. Derek, I've missed you desperately this past year, but I'm glad you left. You're where you belong in Seattle. You're a different person. You're happy. You're allowing yourself to be who you really are, who you really want to be. Nancy showed up unexpectedly. She surprised you. And the things you had to say were real. They're the way you feel. And that's important, Derek. You've always taken care of us first."

"It's what Dad would have wanted," he said quietly. "And it's what I wanted."

"I know. But you deserve the same in return. You can talk to me, Derek. I love you."

He nodded. "I love you too, mom."

"You don't have to talk, but I want you to know that you can." His hand fell on his back, and for a long moment neither of them said anything.

He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Meredith had taught him it was okay to be weak sometimes. It was okay to rely on others. This was his family; his mother. He could do this.

"Meredith's step mom died last week."

Jane furrowed her brow. "I thought she didn't have-"

"She doesn't. Her father is a spineless bastard who left when she was five because he couldn't stand up to her mother. He got remarried and had two more girls. He still lives in Seattle. We only met him and his wife, Susan, a few months ago. We were getting to know them. Susan was amazing. But she died. It was stupid. She had the hiccups. Had a safe procedure, got an infection, became septic and died."

"That's horrible. Poor Meredith."

He nodded. "Thatcher blames her. He showed up at the hospital the day of the funeral... He said horrible things to her. And she got this look in her eyes that wouldn't go away. And then Burke left Cristina on their wedding day, and Cristina needed her friends."

"But what's got that look in _your_ eyes?"

"She's hurting and she's scared. And I can't be there right now. She needs time, and it's killing me to give it to her, but I know it's what she needs, despite how much I want to get on a plane to Hawaii right now. After everything that's happened in the past few months, she got hit with too many things." His mother knew about most of it. She knew Meredith's mother had passed away. She knew Meredith had been in _an_ accident.

"I'm sorry, Derek."

He shook his head quickly. "It's not what you think. This isn't her fault. She didn't... We didn't... We're still... She just needs time."

"And you're a good man for giving it to her."

"I love her, mom."

She smiled warmly. "I know you do. And from my conversation with her, she does too."

He almost laughed at the reminder of the morphine incident. "I'd forgotten about that." Derek sighed. "I really wanted to bring her out here. I really wanted her to meet you."

"I wanted to meet her too."

Derek hesitated for a long moment, before meeting his mother's eyes. "I asked her to marry me."

"Derek..."

"We're getting married. As soon as we recover from all the crap life's thrown at us."

"I'm happy for you, Derek."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to tell you in person. I just never expected to be..."

"Telling me alone?"

"Yeah. I really wanted for her to be here. I really wanted you two to meet. She's amazing, mom. She really is."

Jane placed her hand on her son's hand and squeezed. "I'll meet her soon, Derek. I still haven't made it out to Seattle to visit. When things calm down in your life I'll fly to Seattle and meet her there."

"I'd really like that."

The door to the kitchen opened, drawing both of their attentions away.

Kathleen's youngest appeared.

"Morning, Katie," Jane greeted her granddaughter.

"Morning, Grandma," the six year old returned. "Morning, Uncle Derek."

He smiled. "Morning, Sweetie. What's got you up so early?"

She padded towards the table and wedged herself between their chairs. "Cause the best cartoons are on early. Mommy and daddy won't watch them with me."

Derek scooped her up and sat her on his lap. "The best cartoons, huh?"

She nodded. "Uh-huh." She smiled and cocked her head as she stared up at him. "Will you watch them with me, Uncle Derek? Please?"

Ignoring his mother's knowing gaze, Derek nodded and kissed the small girl on the forehead. "Of course I will, Katie. Early cartoons are my favourite too."

The little girl smiled brightly and jumped off his lap, heading to the living room.

Derek sighed and stood. "Well, it seems I'm off to watch some cartoons."

Jane shook her head at him. "You're a pushover."

He shrugged. "I haven't seen her in a year."

"You were a pushover a year ago."

**

After watching several hours of cartoons, Derek was relieved when Meg and her husband, Scott, arrived, with their brood of kids. The kids were excited to see him for the first time in a year, but quickly lost interest and took off with their cousins for the backyard.

"Derek, I missed you," Meg greeted him warmly, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and hugging him tight. He hugged her back, just as tight. Meg was only a year and a half younger than him. They had grown up very close.

"I missed you too, Meg. The kids are getting so big."

She pulled away and nodded. "I know. It makes me want another."

"Because six aren't enough?" Scott spoke up. His brother-in-law was a year older than Derek, and after having spent much of his childhood and teenage year in England, had a hint of an accent.

"Not when you could have seven."

He rolled his eyes before shaking Derek's hand. "Your sister is going to be the death of me."

Derek smiled. "Hey, I've had to put up with her for a lot longer than you have."

He and Scott laughed together as Meg huffed and shot them both a glare.

"Anyway, we should unload the car." She smiled at Derek. "Could you give us a hand?"

Derek nodded and followed them out to the driveway. They had come in two cars; a necessary evil when you had six kids and six kids worth of stuff to pack. It took them two loads each just to get everything in the front door. It took another half hour to organize what bags went where. And it wasn't until everything was finished that Derek realized neither on them had mentioned Meredith. His mother must have called to give them a heads up.

He wasn't sure if he was grateful or not.

**

The morning quickly became the afternoon and Derek busied himself by playing capture the flag and hide and seek with the kids. And by the time dinner rolled around, he was completely exhausted. He sat with his family and tried to follow the conversation, but found himself struggling. He helped with the dishes and said goodnight as the younger kids were sent to bed. He played a board game with the older kids until they too were sent to bed. Finally, he had had enough and excused himself. Hopefully tonight he would be able to sleep.

He made it up the stairs and to his bedroom, collecting a towel and a change of clothes, before heading down the hall for the bathroom. The warm water of the shower caused his eyelids to droop, and when he finally padded back down the hallway to his bedroom, he could barely keep his eyes open. Tossing the damp towel over the back of the desk chair, he collapsed onto the bed and let his eyes finally close.

He was so tired that he forgot that he had taken his cell phone down to the kitchen with him hours earlier, hoping to hear from Meredith.

**

"Is Derek okay?" Meg asked worriedly, after having watched her brother's weary form exit the living room.

"He's fine, dear," Jane replied. "He's just had a stressful couple of weeks."

"Where is Meredith?"

"She couldn't make it."

"Did she leave him?"

"No. I really don't think so. I think they're just being tested right now."

"Poor Der." She glanced at her husband, who offered her a sympathetic look.

"Derek needs our support right now," Kathleen spoke up. "He'll be okay."

Meg nodded. "I just want him to be happy."

"We all do, dear," Jane replied, before smiling. "I'm off to bed. It's getting late, and I promised a certain granddaughter of mine that I would watch the good cartoons with her tomorrow."

"And you call Derek the pushover," Kathleen spoke up.

Jane clucked her tongue. "Keep that up, and I'll send Katie in to wake you up first thing tomorrow morning."

Kathleen made a face. "I'll stop. I'm going to bed now, and sleeping in tomorrow. I've been looking forward to being able to sleep so long for a week."

"You and me both," responded her husband with a yawn.

They soon headed up for bed, along with Jane and Brian.

"Did you want to go to bed too?" Scott asked his wife.

Meg shook her head. "Nah, let's watch some TV." As a family physician, married to a nine to five business man, she probably got the most amount of sleep on a regular basis out of all the Shepherd siblings, despite the fact that she had the most kids.

They settled on the couch with an old movie, but after about twenty minutes, she hit the mute button on the remote.

"What are you doing?"

"Shhhh," she hissed at her husband, holding up her hand. "Do you hear that?"

"No, I don't hear anything, because you turned off the bloody sound."

She swatted at him. "Not the TV you idiot. There's something..." She trailed off. "It stopped."

He pulled the remote from her hands. "Then turn the sound back on, or we won't know what's happening."

Meg rolled her eyes, but allowed him to turn on the sound, deciding she must have been hearing things. However, close to an hour later she heard the noise again.

"Okay, now I know I can hear something."

The movie was on commercial, so Scott turned off the sound without argument. "I don't hear anything."

"Well, I do. It sounds like... I think it's a ring tone."

She stood and stepped forward, pausing and turning as she tried to figure out which direction is came from.

The kitchen.

Quickly, she headed towards the door, pushed it open and paused. The kitchen was dark and quiet. She couldn't spot a phone anywhere.

She turned, only to smack against a solid object. Her husband.

His hands reached to steady her. "I don't hear anything," he whispered.

"Me neither." She sighed. "But there was something."

"If it was a ring tone, we'll figure it out in the morning. It's not like it won't keep till then."

"Okay," she agreed, following him back to the couch and curling up against him. The movie was nearing its end, and she was determined to stay awake for it. It was getting late; almost midnight.

In the last moments of the movie, she heard the ring tone again and groaned. "It's ringing again. What if it's something important?"

Scott sighed. "Well, hurry up and see if you can find the phone before it stops ringing this time."

She hurried for the kitchen, but didn't make it in time. So she stood in the dark, waiting.

"What are you doing?" Scott asked, poking his head into the room a few minutes later.

"I'm waiting. I can't see it, but I know there's a phone here somewhere. It'll ring again."

"Are you sure? I never heard anything."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

He stepped forward and grabbed her hand. "Let's go to bed. We'll deal with it in the morning."

"Okay." She laced her fingers through his and allowed herself to be led back to the living room again. The move was over, and she reached for the power button on the television, blanketing the living room in darkness.

They moved together towards the stairs, and she was lifting her foot to the first step when she paused again and turned, listening hard.

"We'll find it tomorrow," Scott repeated.

She shook her head. "It's not the phone. I think I heard-" A faint sound reached her again and she nodded. "I think someone is knocking on the door."

He kissed her. "I think you're losing it."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"I heard something."

"Sure you did-" He cut off as a slightly louder knock sounded.

She gave him a pointed look. "Tell me you didn't hear that."

"I definitely heard that. Stay here."

"Why?"

"In case it's a burglar."

She rolled her eyes. "Why would a burglar knock?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's a stupid burglar."

"Then we have nothing to worry about."

He sighed. "Megan..."

"I'm coming with you."

"Fine, but stay behind me."

Carefully, they moved through the living room to the front hall way.

Padding up to the front door, Meg pressed her face to the peep hole. "There's definitely someone out there," she whispered, trying to focus. A slim form was standing on the front porch, holding something up to its head.

She heard the ring tone again. "Whoever they are, they're calling the phone I keep hearing."

"Okay, get behind me. Let's see who it is."

Meg stepped back and watched as her husband cautiously pulled open the front door.

The figure on the porch spun around at the noise, revealing a woman, a few years younger than Meg, with dirty blond hair, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt, clutching to a cell phone. The woman looked exhausted, her body hunched and her eyes wide with worry.

"Can we help you?" Scott asked, glancing around before relaxing.

"I, uh..." The woman lowered her phone from her ear. She swallowed hard. "I was trying to call, but..." She trailed off, clearly nervous. "I know it's late. I'm sorry. It's super late. And I shouldn't be here now. I was supposed to be here hours ago. Well, actually I was supposed to be here yesterday, but with the new plan, hours ago. But my flight was late...well one of my flights. When you decide to fly from Hawaii to New York at the last minute, you have to take several flights. And late. Very late. And then I got on the wrong train. And the first cab took me to the wrong place. And I... I think the cab driver just ditched me. But in my defence; aren't they supposed to know where the roads are? It's not my fault I don't know the area." She paused for a breath. "This whole thing was stupid. Twenty-four hours ago, when I had this crazy idea, it seemed like a good idea to surprise him, but now...now I realize how stupid that was, because it's midnight and I'm on your porch and you probably think I'm a lame ass loser. Or crazy. Probably crazy. But I'm sorry." She sucked in a breath. "I hope I have the right place. I...I think I do. Is, uh, is Derek here? Derek Shepherd? Is this the right house?"

Meg smiled and stepped forward, passing her stunned husband. "You must be Meredith."


	83. Chapter 83

_**AN: I think this chapter will explain why the last few chapters had to happen the way they did. I'm sorry about the delay; I just wanted to make sure everything was included. And just in case there is any lingering worries, Meredith going to Hawaii was 'the thing I was sure I'd be hated for.' Thanks for reading!**_

Derek jolted awake at the sound of a knock coming from the wrong side of the bedroom. He sat up and ran his hands over his face, trying to make sense of his surroundings, and as the darkened room around him gradually came into focus, he realized why the knock had sounded from the wrong side of the bed; because he wasn't at home. This wasn't the bed or the room he shared with Meredith.

He sighed heavily; trying to take solace in the fact that he had, at the very least, finally gotten some sleep.

The alarm clock beside the bed showed it was a little after midnight.

The knock sounded again.

He shook his head and swung his legs over the side of the mattress, before reaching to turn on the lamp. It was probably one of the kids. Hopefully he would be able to send them back to bed quickly, and would be able to finally get back to sleep. Standing, he stretched his stiff limbs, and headed for the door.

Swinging open the door, he furrowed his brow at the sight of his brother-in-law standing in the hallway where he had expected a child.

"Scott. I thought you were one of the kids."

Scott raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing across his face. "What gave me away?"

Derek shook his head as he fought back a yawn. "Look, man, I haven't slept in three days and-"

"We found something on the porch," Scott said, cutting him off.

Derek ran a hand across his face, suddenly wondering if this was all a dream. "You found something on the porch." He repeated, hoping the statement would make more sense if he repeated it.

It didn't.

Scott nodded. "Something I think you're missing."

"What are you talking about?"

Scott stepped back, and tilted his head to the side, motioning for Derek to look down the hall.

Derek took a cautious step forward and craned his head to see past his doorway.

And, as he sucked in a breath, he was sure he was dreaming.

Meredith stood in the hallway next to his sister, clutching her shoulder bag, a suitcase beside her.

He blinked, and she was still there. "Mer..."

Scott nodded. "Now that we've established she's not a remarkably smart and well-researched burglar, making up a story to get into the house, we can go to bed."

"But..." Meg began, only to trail off when he husband grabbed her hand and tugged her gently towards their room.

"You can get to know her in the morning. It's late and they need time."

Derek barely heard the short conversation. The next thing he knew, he was moving towards Meredith without any conscious decision to do so. His arms found their way around her waist and closed tightly.

Without any delay, Meredith's arms snaked just as tightly around his neck. "Derek..." she murmured.

He closed his eyes and buried his face into the crook of her neck, breathing her in. "You're here," he whispered. "You're here."

Her arms tightened around his neck as she pulled herself even closer to him. "I'm so sorry, Derek. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." Her voice cracked, sounding like she was about to cry. "I'm so sorry..."

His heart constricted at her broken tone, and he pulled away. "Come on," he murmured, reaching for the handle of her suitcase with one hand and guiding her into the privacy of his bedroom with the other.

She said nothing as she crossed through the doorway, and stopped between the door and the bed, her body stiff and her eyes filled with uncertainty.

Derek released the handle of the suitcase and closed the door, before turning and meeting her eyes.

Meredith opened her mouth, as if to say something, but paused.

In a heartbeat, Derek closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against hers.

She kissed him back, her hands resting on his shoulders and her body pressed to his, but not in the deep, passionate way that would lead to something.

Derek broke the kiss to peck her on the lips, cheek and forehead, before pressing his forehead against hers and closing his eyes, revelling in the feeling of having her so close; of being able to touch her and hold her and smell her.

God, he had missed her.

Her hands slid down from his shoulder to his chest, and her fingers closed around his tee shirt. He snaked his hands around her waist and rested them on the small of her back.

"I can't believe you're here," he whispered.

She shuddered against him, but didn't pull away. "I'm so sorry I ran, Derek."

"You didn't run," he reassured. "You needed time."

This time she did pull away, but only far enough to meet his eyes. "I did run. I was... I was so scared. Of everything. One thing after another just kept happening and then Burke..." She trailed off for a moment to collect her thoughts. "I love you and I trust you," she told him, meeting his eye. "But Burke left Cristina on their wedding day. Their wedding day! They were supposed to get married and be together forever. And they met when we did. And he was an attending and she was an intern, just like we were. And they got engaged around the time we did." She closed her eyes for a long moment, and when she reopened them, they didn't meet his. "And I couldn't help but hear the same words he used coming out of your mouth."

"Mer, I would never-"

"I know," she said, cutting him off. "I know. But in that moment, after everything..." She sniffed, and hesitantly met his eyes again. "I couldn't make my mind rationalize that. Cristina was so broken... If that were me, I... I don't know how I'd be breathing."

"We're not them," he reassured, his heart breaking for her, but extremely grateful she was here, in New York, in his arms, disclosing her fears to him.

Surprising him, she smiled. It was small and hesitant, but it was there. "I know. I missed you the whole time I was gone, and I hated that you weren't there with me. I couldn't get a hold of you, and then after a day in Hawaii I finally allowed myself to listen to all the messages you left for me and I..." She shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. "I realized how stupid I was being and I got on a plane."

"It wasn't stupid."

"It was."

"Meredith-" He was cut off when her fingers came down against his lips.

"Just...let me get this out." She cocked her head and bit down momentarily against her lower lip. "I remembered, back right before Denny died, when Izzy said she would rather be running towards someone than away. And I realized that no matter how scared I was, and how impossible everything seemed, I would rather be scared and with you, than be scared and away from you, because you... You can make the fear go away."

Derek smiled as he felt tears well in his own eyes. "Did you practice that?"

She almost laughed. "I spent more than twenty-four hours travelling to get here. I had a lot of time to come up with something to say."

He kissed her lightly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He pecked her lips one more time, before tugging on her hand, pulling her towards the bed. He sat up against the headboard, and pulled Meredith down beside him, before reaching to turn off the lamp on the nightstand, knowing she felt safest spilling her deepest fears and secrets in the dark. He then closed his arms around her while she snuggled against his chest. Running his hand up and down her spine, he buried his nose against the top of her head and inhaled deeply, before pulling the blanket over them and whispering, "Tell me what you're scared of."

She didn't respond for several long moments, and he knew she was trying to collect her thoughts; was trying to make sense of them so that he could understand.

"I think everything that happened with Thatcher had more of an effect on me than I thought," she finally admitted. "I know I said that nothing had really changed, that I started the year off without a father, so really I only lost Susan, and that's still true, but... He said things."

"Oh, Mer..."

"He's my father. He was supposed to love me. He was supposed to be there. He was supposed to care. And I think it's worse that I know he was Mr. SuperDad for his other daughters. Because that means he had it in him, he just...didn't want me." She paused for a deep breath, and he knew she was fighting to stay calm as she told him this, so he stayed silent, continuing to run his hands over her back, offering what comfort he could.

"And he blamed me. Susan died, and I was devastated. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a real parent. And it wasn't my fault. Nothing that happened to her was my fault. But he blamed me. And he hit me. And he wouldn't even let me go to the funeral to say goodbye..." Her voice cracked as her emotions got the better of her.

With a heavy sigh, Derek closed his arms around her and held her as tight as he could. He listened to her suck in a breath of air, and then her body shuddered in his arms.

"Breathe, Mer," he murmured, his lips pressed to the soft skin behind her ear. She was starting to hyperventilate.

Try as she might, she was not able to inhale or exhale more than a small fraction of the air she needed. Her small fists clutched desperately to his chest.

"Hey!" He said sharply, moving his hands to her shoulders, and forcing her body several inches from his. "You have to breathe," he repeated, looking her straight in the eye. The moon was offering just enough light through the window beside the bed for him to see the fear in her eyes. "Breathe, Meredith. Breathe."

Her chest hitched violently, but she nodded.

He offered her a small smile, hoping her could transfer some calmness. "I'm here, Mer. Just breathe."

And all of a sudden her chest released and she could breathe again.

"There you go," he murmured, sliding his hands from her shoulders, up her neck, to cup her cheeks. "Just breathe."

She exhaled shakily, but the next full breath in and out was smooth.

"There, that wasn't so hard, huh?"

Meredith released a half-laugh and leaned forward, burrowing herself against his chest.

Derek let her settle, and then snaked his arms around her waist. She was silent for several minutes, simply breathing in and out, before she finally spoke again.

"You're the only person in the world that can make things go away. The crap I go through doesn't seem that bad when you're here, and the memories don't seem as bad." She sniffed. "And I almost ruined everything."

"You didn't almost ruin anything. Hell, given a few more days and I probably wouldn't have been able to stop myself from getting on a plane to Hawaii."

She lifted her head. "Really?"

He smiled at her, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear before responding. "I promise," he whispered, knowing she wasn't asking about him going to Hawaii. She needed to know she hadn't ruined everything they had built together.

"I stopped believing," she whispered in response.

"In us?"

She shook her head. "In everything else. I stopped believing it was possible to be happy. There aren't that many people in my life, Derek, but you could name any of them, and I could tell you something horrible that's either happened to them very recently or is happening now. No one seems to be able to make a relationship work. No one is happy."

"Then we'll be the ones to make them know it's possible."

To his surprise, Meredith smiled. "I believe you."

"You do?"

She nodded. "Now, I believe you. A couple days ago, I didn't. I couldn't. There was just too much."

"I'm glad you believe me now."

"Me too." She leaned forward and kissed him, short and soft. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Derek. _That_ never changed. I just stopped believing it was possible for a couple days."

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too." He kissed her back. "And you never have to stop believing again, Meredith. We're going to be happy. And the love is never going to stop."

Tears welled in her eyes, but she held his gaze. "My parents were supposed to love me unconditionally, or whatever. My mother...she only believed in science. She didn't believe in love. And Thatcher..." She trailed off for a moment, her forehead creasing as she collected her thoughts. "He was supposed to love me unconditionally," she repeated. "No matter what. Because he was my _father._ But he didn't. Maybe he loved me when I was a baby." She shook her head. "I guess I'll never know. I do know he doesn't love me now, not even before Susan died."

With moist eyes, she met his gaze straight on. "I've never known unconditional love before." He voice cracked slightly, but she pushed onward. "Not before you. You love me...no matter what. And that- That's kind of scary. Because the people who were supposed to love me like that never did."

"Meredith..." He started, his heart breaking at her admission.

"No." She shook her head. "Just...let me say this."

"Okay," he agreed, offering her a soft smile. She had obviously practiced this too.

"When Susan started showing up and everything, and I started getting to know them, I started to think that maybe I could finally have...something. Some parent thing. But then if was all over." She paused to take a breath. "I was devastated when Susan died, but what he did... I didn't do anything wrong," she repeated from earlier. "He took his anger out on me."

Derek ran his fingers along the side of her face, right where Thatcher had struck his daughter. "I wanted to kill him."

She covered his hand with hers. "I'm glad you didn't. Because that's not who you are. You're a good man, Derek. But as much as I love you, and as much as I trust you, what Thatcher did put doubts in me."

"Doubts?"

She nodded, and then released a laughing breath. "Well, Izzy thinks he just activated the doubts that he installed when I was a kid. He made me doubt that it was possible to be happy. He made me doubt it was possible that you were here to stay."

"You barely said anything for days after Susan died."

"But you were there the whole time, doing things and saying things."

Derek smirked. "Like a night in shining whatever?"

She laughed. "Exactly. You made me feel better. And I believed that things would get better and you would always be here."

He sighed. "And then Burke left Cristina."

"And then Burke left Cristina," she echoed. "And I couldn't help but think that one day you'd be gone too."

His hands found the sides of her head, and his eyes found hers. "Meredith, I am not going anywhere. If you need time, I'll give it to you. If you need space, it's yours. But I am going to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what. Remember?"

She nodded, pulling the chain holding her engagement ring from under her top. "I remember now. It just took me a couple days." It was her turn to run her hands up his chest and neck to the sides of his head. "I missed you the whole time I was gone. I wanted you there with me. And I knew you wanted that too. And I listened to your messages. And I could hear just how concerned you are. And that you let me get on the plane without ever asking me to stay... You know me, Derek. You know _me_. And you still love me. And you haven't done a single to deserve me running off to Hawaii without you."

Derek sighed and pecked her lips. "It hurt," he admitted, because it was the truth. It had hurt him that she had gone, and it had hurt more that she hadn't been able to trust him.

Her eyes welled. "I'm sorry. If you had done that to me..." She trailed off and shook her head. "If you had left a message on my cell phone and took off for two weeks, I would have been heart broken. And angry."

Derek lost himself in her eyes for a long moment. He could close the small gap between them and kiss her. He could tell her he loved her and everything was okay. He could make love to her. They would fall asleep together, the conversation forgotten. He closed his eyes. _It had been so long. There hadn't been any sex since before Susan had died. It was important to them. It healed them. It was something they both needed._

But right now they needed to have this conversation first. She had hurt him. He loved her more than anything, and he would continue to love her no matter what, but that didn't mean what she had done didn't matter. He had spent too much of his life putting his own feelings on the backburner to make everyone else feel better. She didn't want him pretending things that mattered didn't matter.

"I was angry," he admitted, because she wanted the truth, even if it was hard to hear.

She tensed, but didn't pull away.

Derek reached to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I was angry at Thatcher. And I was angry at Burke. And Cristina." He paused. "And you. I was angry that you didn't trust me. And I was angry you didn't even tell me to my face that you were going with Cristina."

"I knew I wouldn't have been able to go through with it," she whispered, surprising him. "I wanted to see you before I left, but I knew if I looked in your eyes I wouldn't have been able to go. If you hadn't told me to go in the airport I would have stayed with you."

"I'm glad you went," Derek admitted. "It hurt and I was angry, but you needed to figure things out, so I'm glad you went."

"I'm sorry I'm...me. You've never given me a reason not to trust you, and yet...I couldn't help but be afraid of you leaving me."

He offered her a tender smile. "I accept your apology for going to Hawaii, but I don't accept your apology for being afraid of me leaving you."

She flinched, and he kissed her quickly, conveying that it was okay.

"I don't accept that apology because you have nothing to apologize for. Everything that's happened to you is not your fault, so you don't get to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Having abandonment issues isn't something to be sorry about."

"You deserve better."

"I want you," he countered. "And you are perfect for me."

"I do trust you," she whispered. "I just...panicked."

"It's okay to panic sometimes," he assured. "And if you need time to be able to trust that I'm going to be here no matter what, then that's okay."

"Yeah?"

He smiled. "Yeah. We have the rest of our lives for that."

Her eyes welled again, reflecting the moonlight. "Our whole lives," she echoed.

Derek pulled her to his chest and hugged her tight. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too, Derek. I don't ever want to not be here again." She pressed against his chest with her hand, motioning for him to loosen his embrace, and then she lifted her body away to meet his eyes again. "I'm not going to do that again," she promised. "I got my perspective, or whatever, and I realized exactly where I needed to be. And now I'm there. And there's nowhere else I would rather be." She shook her head. "I'm not ever going to run from you again."

"I'm glad you figured things out," he murmured, running his fingers through her hair. He dipped his head to press a line of kisses along the side of her neck, before reaching her clavicle and sucking gently.

She shivered and her fingers found his hair. "I'm glad I figured things out too. It's almost funny... I think it freaked me out the most that nothing changed."

"What do you mean?" He mumbled against her, before moving to her other clavicle.

"With the good and the bad, you were still there all the time."

"Mmm," he murmured, starting to move up her neck. Her free hand was tugging at the hem of his shirt.

"While everything around us changed, _we_ never did. And I guess I just thought things would have changed. I was out of my mind trying to figure out what had suddenly gotten me so scared, what had changed, when Izzy suggested that maybe nothing had changed."

With a moan, Derek pulled his lips from her soft skin and met her eyes. They were dark with desire, but held a hint of determination. There was still more to be talked about. "I don't think I understand."

She released a laughing breath and kissed him, long and hard. "I think you'd have to be inside my head to understand that and, trust, that is not something you want to experience." She kissed him again. "It's a little crazy in here."

He manoeuvred them so she was lying back on the bed and he was hovering over her. With a smile, he ran his fingers along her hair line. "I love you, even with the crazy."

She giggled, and it was all he could do not to ravish her right then and there.

"I felt like my life was falling apart, and yet...you were still there. _We_ didn't change."

"You know why we didn't change?"

"Why?" She asked, staring up at him, trusting him.

He smiled warmly. "Because it was _our _life that was being attacked. Not just yours. These things happen to_ us_ now."

Her eyes filled with tears, but she smiled and hooked her fingers along the neck line of his shirt, pulling him down to her.

Derek kissed her hard, feeling his arousal build as he pressed into her.

She moaned as his lips once again left hers and travelled down her neck. "I realized how stupid I was the first night," she admitted. "I cried myself to sleep thinking I had messed up and was miserable because I had put myself in that position. The next day I worked up the courage to do something about it. Cristina was okay, so I packed my suitcase and got to the airport."

"And now you're here," he mumbled into the smooth skin at the crook of her neck.

"Well, after several connections, a train and two cabs, I'm here."

He chuckled. "It was a good surprise."

"It wasn't supposed to be a surprise. Well, it was, at first, but after my third connection, I realized it was stupid."

He lifted his head to meet her eyes. "Why didn't you call me? I would have picked you up at the airport."

She reached up and buried her fingers in his hair. "I did call. You didn't answer."

"I had my phone with me-" He cut himself off as his eyes caught on the empty space on the nightstand. "Shit. I must have left my phone this morning... Meredith, I'm sorry."

She rolled them so he was on his back, and she was hovering over him. "I'm just glad you weren't avoiding my calls."

"Absolutely not. I wanted to talk to you."

She kissed him. "Good."

He ran his hands down her sides until the fabric of her top ended, and then he reversed the movement, taking her shirt with him. She sat up to allow him to pull the garment over her head, and then leaned back down to him. His hands found her now bare sides, and she shivered under his touch.

His hands moved from her sides to her back and upwards, until they found the clasp of her bra. Once it was released, he swiped his hands down her arms, pulling the bra off.

She moaned as his hands found her breasts. "You too," she whined, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

With a grunt, Derek rolled them back so she was underneath him. He pulled off his shirt and tossed it across the room, before pressing his torso against hers, revelling in the skin to skin contact.

Her hands were back in his hair, and she directed his lips to hers.

He kissed her hard; until they were both breathless. When he pulled away, he shifted and reached to undo her pants, laughing as they fought for space; she was reaching to undo his pants.

"Patience," he muttered.

"Pot meet kettle."

He chuckled and pecked her lips. "You got it right."

"The saying?"

He pecked her lips again. "Everything."

Pulling her hands away from his pants, she cupped his face. "Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being you."

"I will always love you, Meredith Grey."

"I'll always love you too, Derek."

Caught by surprise at the sudden well of emotions rushing over him, Derek felt the air get sucked out of his lungs. "God, you're beautiful. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too. So freaking much. I just had to figure out you were the thing stopping me from being pushed over the cliff."

He furrowed his brow. "I thought we jumped off the cliff?"

She smiled, obviously pleased he remembered their talk so many months before. "Different cliff."

"Ah, do we live in a canyon?"

She swatted at him, but giggled. "Sometimes it feels like it. Everything built up, like last time, and I felt like I was being pushed over the edge."

He threaded their fingers together and settled their connected hands above her head, before dipping his head to kiss her swollen lips again. "I guess we'll just have to jump again. Together."

"Together," she murmured, lying before him, trust and love and desire in her eyes.

His heart skipped a beat as he met her eyes; she was everything he had ever wanted, and this was one of those times that he realized exactly how lucky he was.

He brushed his lips against hers. "I want you."

She pressed her body upwards against his. "I need you."

Derek released her hands and moved off of her long enough to remove his pants and hers, before moving back over top of her, straddling her leg and he pressed his knew upwards. Her hands moved over him, exploring, and his did the same to her, moving down, checking that she was ready.

She moaned when he touched her, and he absorbed the noise, covering her lips with his. "We can't be loud," he reminded. "We're not at home."

Her moan turned into a groan. "I can't wait until we get to the island; then we can be as loud as we want..."

For a moment her words didn't register, and then he pulled back several inches. "You still want to go down south?"

She nodded. "Of course; if you still want to go. But if you want to stay here the whole time, or go home, or...anywhere. I'm good. As long as we're together."

"As long as we're together," he echoed, smiling, before kissing her. "I didn't cancel our reservations yet."

"Smart man."

"I guess I hadn't given up hope."

"Thank you, for not giving up on me."

"Never." He brushed his lips against hers.

"And Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She brushed her hand over his cheek, and buried it in the hair on the side of his head. "I love you and I trust you." She blinked as tears formed in her eyes. "I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone."

He leaned down so his lips were just a hair's breadth from hers. "Then let's jump." And then he closed the gap and they lost themselves in each other.


	84. Chapter 84

Caught by surprised on his way down the stairs, Scott grabbed onto the banister to balance himself as he was nearly bowled over by his daughter and her cousin.

"Claire. Katie. You need to be careful on the stairs."

"Sorry, Daddy," Claire said quickly, tilting her head and raising her shoulders as she smiled sweetly at him.

"Sorry, Uncle Scott," Katie echoed, mirroring her cousin.

Scott sighed in defeat as he met his daughter's eyes – the ones that looked exactly like his wife's. He couldn't say no to those eyes. "Its okay girls; just be careful next time. Especially around the younger kids." Both girls were six, only a few months apart, and there were several younger cousins that could be hurt on the stairs.

"We will, Daddy."

"Yeah, we promise."

"Good." He smiled, taking in the matching sparkle in their eyes. "What are you two up to?"

"We gonna wake up Uncle Derek!" Katie said brightly. "He missed cartoons this morning."

"I, uh, don't think that's such a good idea, girls," he said quickly, minding the fact that his brother-in-law's girlfriend had shown up the night before and he definitely didn't want his innocent six year old walking in on something. "We should let Uncle Derek sleep. He was very tired last night."

"But Grandma Jane said we could," Claire pouted. There was a policy at 'Grandma's house' that the kids were not allowed to open closed bedroom doors without permission.

"Grandma Jane didn't know how tired Uncle Derek was."

"Please, Daddy?" Claire pushed, giving him the eyes again.

He felt his heart tug at her expression, and wished for the millionth time that he could say no to his girls. "Leave Uncle Derek alone," he managed to repeat, and then off of his daughter's fallen expression, added, "But you can go and wake up Mommy."

"Yay!" Both girls shouted as they continued up the stairs.

Scott continued down the stairs, shaking his head. He would pay for that later. It was a little after nine, and his wife liked to sleep much later than this when she had the chance.

Once on the ground floor, Scott made his way through the living room and into the kitchen, which was alive and busy at this time of the morning. The scent of brewing coffee hit his nose first and he made a bee-line to the coffee maker, before popping a bagel into the toaster. "Morning," he greeted.

"Morning, dear," his mother-in-law greeted him as she passed him a plate on her way to the table, where she joined her husband, daughter and son-in-law.

Once the bagel was toasted, he added some cream cheese and joined the family at the table. "Where are the kids?"

"We sold them to the circus," Tim quipped.

"Ah, good. I thought it was nice and quiet."

Kathleen rolled her eyes at her husband and brother-in-law. "Most of them are out back. The older ones are supervising."

He yawned, and then flinched as he heard the kitchen door open behind him and familiar footsteps approach. And when the hand smacked him across the side of the head, he wasn't the least bit surprised.

His wife then plopped herself down in the seat next to him, reached for his mug of coffee, and glared. "Why would you send the girls in to wake me up?"

"Because they were upset when I stopped them from waking up Derek."

She rolled her eyes. "Honey, you have to learn to say no to them."

"That's easier said than done," he responded, even as his wife now slid the plate with his bagel over to the space in front of herself.

Suddenly without anything for breakfast, Scott sighed and stood, heading to the counter for a second time.

"We told the girls it was okay to wake him up. It's after nine; it's should be a problem," Kathleen spoke up, laughing at her sister for stealing her husband's breakfast.

"Oh, it could be a big problem," Scott said, pouring himself a new cup of coffee. "His girlfriend showed up last night. He looked quite happy to see her, and I don't need my six year old daughter walking into the aftermath of whatever may have happened last night."

"Meredith is here?" Jane asked in surprise. "When?"

"Late," Meg answered. "Around midnight. The poor girl had been calling, but Derek left his phone downstairs. It's lucky we were still up."

"What's she like?" Kathleen asked.

"Nice. Pretty-"

"Maybe a little crazy," Scott added.

His wife shot him a look.

"What? I didn't know it was possible to say that many words in such a short period of time. I still don't know most of what she said."

"She was exhausted; must have been travelling for more than a day to get here. So she rambled a bit. I'm sure it's not something normal for her. Plus, she puts up with Derek; that would make anyone crazy."

Kathleen laughed, as the two sisters shared a moment of making fun of their brother.

"Be nice to your brother, girls," Jane said lightly, although she laughed as well.

"At least someone in this house stands up for me," Derek spoke as he entered the kitchen, dressed in jeans and an old college tee shirt. He helped himself to a cup of coffee before joining his family at the table. It wasn't until he was sitting down and lifting the mug to his lips that he realized everyone was staring at him. He paused and then set the mug down onto the table. "What?"

"Where is she?" Kathleen asked.

"Sleeping," he responded, not needing to be told who 'she' was. "It took her more than a day to get here and it's a little after three in the morning for her...or a little after six, seeing as she probably wasn't in Hawaii long enough to adjust to the time change."

"I thought she was with her friend."

"Cristina was doing better than expected, and Izzy had everything under control."

Kathleen continued to stare intently at him.

"What is it you really want to ask?" He asked, knowing the psychiatrist in her would never let this go.

"It's just...we thought that maybe you two had broken up, and that was why she wasn't here."

"What? No. I told you; her best friend's fiancé left her on her wedding day."

"You did tell us. But you also seemed more than a little upset. You barely spoke to anyone but the kids the whole time you've been here so far."

"It doesn't matter," he responded. "All that matters is she's here now."

"Okay," Kathleen said, in a way that told him she would drop it for now, but didn't believe it.

He sighed, knowing he needed to deal with this now, and not when Meredith was thrust into the picture; she already felt guilty enough. "Fine; I was upset that she couldn't be here. It's been a very stressful couple of weeks, and we didn't get a chance to deal with everything."

"How stressful?"

"I'm not your patient, Kat."

"No, you're my brother, and I'm allowed to worry about you."

"There's nothing to worry about. She went through some really horrible family things, had her exam and then her best friend got left on her wedding day. All in less than two weeks. It's been very stressful, and I was upset that we were going to be apart for so long without being able to deal with everything. But now everything is okay. So, please, drop it."

Kathleen considered his words for a long moment. "What kind of family things?"

"Nothing that we need to talk about. And nothing that she needs to be questioned about, okay? Please leave her alone about it."

"We just want to know she's good for you, Der," Kathleen responded.

"Yeah, we're your sisters, it's our job," Meg added. "What if you decide to marry her? There are things we need to know first."

Derek made a face, but as quickly as he tried to cover it, he knew he was caught.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Meg spoke up sharply. "Is there something you haven't told us?"

**

Meredith swallowed hard before holding her breath and very carefully turning the knob and pulling the bedroom door open a few inches. Just enough to see down the hallway, which was, thankfully, empty.

She had woken up alone about ten minutes earlier. The sheets beside her were cold, so she knew Derek had been gone for some time. The alarm clock beside the bed told her it was ten in the morning. After pulling on some clothes, she had waited for as long as she could for Derek to come back and rescue her, but she desperately had to use the bathroom.

The only problem was she didn't know where the bathroom was, or what unknown people she may bump into in her search.

With a resigned sigh, she pulled the door open far enough to fit through the gap and tiptoed out into the hallway. It was a large house; that much she had surmised the night before, even in the dark. From what she could guess, the upstairs hallway was in the shape of a large, squared 'C', and she was starting at the bottom of the 'C,' right before the first corner.

Slowly making her way to the first corner, she paused as she regarded the closed door beside her, and then craned her head to glance down the rest of the hallway leading from the corner. All of the doors were closed.

"Come on," she muttered under her breath. This was ridiculous. Where was Derek? Was this punishment? Abandoning her in his mother's house? She didn't know what she would do if she bumped into an unknown family member without him.

_Probably panic and ramble like she had the night before._

Eventually deciding not to bother with the first door, Meredith padded down the hallway and paused again, now standing between two doors facing each other. Taking into account the space between the doors along the walls on both sides, she determined the door on the left was most likely a bedroom. However, the door on the right was wedged close to two other doors. It would be a perfect place for a bathroom.

She knocked her knuckled very quietly against the door, and then a little louder. No response. That was promising.

With a silent prayer to whoever may be listening, she turned the knob and pulled open the door, before sighing heavily at the sight the greeted her.

The good news was she hadn't walked into someone's bedroom.

The bad news was she had not found the bathroom, but a storage closet.

With a huff, she closed the door and continued forward. The next set of doors seemed to be bedrooms, but right before the second corner of the hallway, there was a door on the left that was just slightly ajar.

She knocked lightly again, and then held her breath as she pushed open the door.

Relief washed over her; she had found the bathroom.

Quickly stepping through the door way, she closed the door behind herself and locked it. Safe.

Meredith used the toilet and washed her hands, before stopping to stare at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red from the night before, but the dark circles that had plagued them for days were significantly lessened; a product, no doubt, of finally getting some decent sleep in Derek's arms.

She ran the taps and splashed some cold water on her face, willing the redness to lessen before she had to meet Derek's family. After everything that had happened, she had to make a good impression.

"You can do this, Grey," she whispered to her reflection, not even caring that she was talking to herself. "You got here; that was the hard part. Now you just have to meet everyone else."

She sucked in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She would go back to Derek's room, would find something in her suitcase to wear that was suitable for New York and not Hawaii, and would find the strength to go downstairs on her own.

Derek would be down there; waiting for her. She had to believe that.

She could do the family thing.

She could.

Really.

Pulling open the door, she stepped into the hallway, only to freeze at the sight before her.

_Oh, god...maybe she couldn't do this..._

Two young girls stared up at her. Both had long, dark hair, one straight and one curly, and blue eyes.

They stared at her. She stared back at them.

For a long moment, no one said anything.

"Who are you?" The girl on the right finally asked, looking slightly worried.

"I, uh," Meredith stammered, her heart racing in her chest. She had to say something before the kids went running to their parents; because that would be bad. Very, very bad. She didn't need to create a scene. "I..." No words came to her mind. She was stuck; silent and stammering for something to say.

"This is Meredith," Derek's soothing voice sounded from behind her, triggering a wave of relief to wash over her. His hand landed on her back as he stood beside her and smiled at his nieces. "She's going to be your Aunt Meredith soon."

Meredith felt her heart skip a beat as she processed both important parts of his statement. _Aunt Meredith_. It denoted acceptance and permanence; which was both scary and very much wanted at the same time. _Soon._ That meant...well, soon. She would be their Aunt Meredith soon, which meant she would be his wife soon. And that was a pretty incredible realization; especially since two days earlier she was half way around the world, depressed, scared and without him. Together, the two parts of the statement, and the fact that Derek was now standing beside her, gave her strength. And words. "Hi," she managed to stammer.

"And Meredith, this is Katie and Claire."

"Hi," they said in unison.

"Uncle Derek," the one on the right – Claire – continued, "You're finally awake! We were gonna wake you up earlier, but Uncle Scott wouldn't let us!"

"It's a good thing you didn't," Derek said smoothly, "We were very tired."

"Will you get up to watch cartoons with us tomorrow?" Katie asked.

Derek smiled. "We'll see."

That seemed to appease the two young girls, who turned and hurried off down the hall.

Meredith watched them go, and then turned to Derek and offered him a smile. "Hi."

He kissed her. "Is that all you're capable of saying this morning; hi?"

She laughed. "They caught me by surprise. Now they probably think I'm a lame ass loser."

Derek chuckled. "They're six. They probably won't remember the conversation in an hour. And you are definitely not a lame ass loser."

Returning his offered smile, she reached her hand to his chest and splayed her fingers across the soft material of his tee shirt. "I was a little worried when you were gone when I woke up."

His hands snaked around her waist and he shimmied close to her. "Sorry. I haven't been gone long, and I was just coming back up now to check on you. I thought with the travel and the time change that you'd sleep into the afternoon."

"So, you weren't abandoning me to meet your family on my own?" She asked quietly, cocking her head. She didn't really think he would have abandoned her, but hearing him say it would still make her feel better.

He pressed into her space and kissed her again. "Absolutely not."

"Good."

It was his turn to cock his head. "Are you ready to meet them now?"

"No." She quickly shook her head.

"No," he echoed, frowning.

"I...look at me," she stammered, stepping back and waving her hands in front of her. "I'm a mess. I need to look somewhat presentable and-"

"You look beautiful."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You have to say that."

"Says who?"

"Everyone!"

He laughed. "I think you're going a little overboard..."

"No, Derek, I'm not. I need to make a good impression here, okay? Because I've already made a fool of myself in front of enough members of your family. This might be my last chance."

"You haven't made a fool of yourself."

"Nancy caught us coming out of the shower together at the trailer. You let me call your mother when I was high on morphine and completely uninhibited. And I was so tired and desperate last night that who knows what I said to your sister and brother in law..."

With an amused sigh, Derek hooked an arm around her waist and led her back to his room. When the door was shut behind them, he pulled her against him and hugged her tight. "You have nothing to worry about, Meredith. Meg and Scott understand you were exhausted last night. Mom is dying to meet you. And Nancy isn't even here yet."

"She's not?" Meredith whispered against his chest.

"Nope. It's just mom and Brian, and Meg and Kathleen. Plus husbands and kids. Lauren and Nancy won't be here until this afternoon." He paused. "You look perfect. They're going to love you, so there's no need to freak out."

"I'm not freaking out... Well, not much. You're here now. That makes things much better."

"I'd never expect you to do this by yourself."

She bit down on her lower lip as she contemplated her situation. "What did you tell them?" She finally asked.

He didn't have to ask to know what she was talking about. "I told them you were helping your friend."

"Thank you," she murmured, tears stinging the backs of her eyes. "Thank you for understanding..."

"Hey," he whispered, hugging her close again. "I get it. I do."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes and offered him a smile. "I want to be able to do this regularly."

"Do what?"

"Come to New York to see your family. I want to get along with your family and feel comfortable coming out here with you whenever you want to visit...even for holidays and stuff."

He brushed his lips against her. "Good. They want that too. _I_ want that too."

"And that means I have to make a good impression now," she continued. "And you're biased, so you don't get it."

"I am not biased."

She giggled. "You so are. I could be wearing a paper bag and you'd say I looked fine."

"So?"

"So, your family isn't going to see me the same way you do."

"They're going to love you," he murmured, settling his hands on her lower back. "And with the crazy things my family has already done, you won't even hit their radar."

She hooked her hands around the back of his neck and smirked. "Are you calling me crazy?"

"Absolutely. But I actually meant the things you think you've already done. Mom will probably bring up the whole calling her while on morphine thing in the future, several times, but just as a laugh that you called her. She's not going to tell anyone any embarrassing things you said." He paused. "About you, anyway. She's already told my sisters that you told her my nickname at the hospital..."

Meredith laughed. "Good. It's your fault for leaving your phone."

"How could I have possible known you were going to call her?" It was an argument they had had countless times.

"You just should have."

He huffed, before turning serious again. "They're going to accept you, Mer. They're not going to try and embarrass you or anything. Trust me; that's all saved for me."

She laughed again. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded and leaned in to peck his lips. "Just...let me have a shower and get dressed. After not coming with you, and then showing up at midnight last night, and sleeping in today... I just want to look like I'm trying, you know?"

"I get it. But don't shower."

"But-"

"No one else has showered yet." He smiled at her, looking perfect and dreamy as he cocked his head ever so slightly. "Get dressed. Something simple. Jeans. Then come down with me."

"But-" She tried again, only to be cut off by his finger coming down on her lips.

"It will make you fit in more," he assured. "No one else has showered yet. Everyone is hanging out in the kitchen, dressed very casual."

Her heart fluttered at his hopeful expression. He really was trying to make this as smooth as possible for her. "Okay."

"Okay," he echoed.

With one last kiss, he released her and backed up to sit on the bed as she moved towards her suitcase. Pulling the top open and digging through the minimal contents, she frowned to herself. She had only packed for Hawaii. And even then she hadn't packed much because she had been rushed. She really only had the jeans she had worn the day before and one pair of nice pants.

Sighing, she pulled out a fresh top and picked her jeans off of the floor. "I don't really have much clothes with me..." She admitted, turning back to Derek. "I looked into flights that would lay-over in Seattle, but it would have taken another day to get here..."

"It's okay," he said quickly. "We can go out today and get whatever you need."

"There's nothing planned or anything?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "It's a very un-regimented week. I'm sure we'll have a big dinner one night, but that's it. We can come and go as we want."

"Okay." She quickly replaced her pajama pants with her jeans and pulled on her top. "How's this?"

"I think you're wearing too much clothes."

She rolled her eyes at his expression. "Didn't you see enough last night?"

He smirked. "Never."

Not wanting to fuel him onwards, she said nothing and dug through her suitcase until she found her make up bag and hair brush. Her hair was unruly, but she managed to make it look relatively presentable. And she applied just enough makeup to take the emphasis off her red eyes.

Staring at herself in the mirror above the dresser, she took a deep breath, and reached her hand upwards to find the chain around her neck.

Turning back to face Derek, she bit down on her lower lip for a long moment before speaking. "Should I wear the ring?"

"Your call."

"I know, but...should I?"

"If you want."

"You're not being very helpful."

With a sigh, he stood and approached her. "They're not going to judge you if you wear it or not. It's your call."

"I think...I think I kind of want to."

His lips curled up into a warm smile as he reached his hands around her neck to unhook the necklace and free the ring. "So, you still want to marry me?" He asked, with a soft voice and a smirk.

She giggled and nodded. "Yes."

Continuing to smile, his eyes sparkled as he slid the ring onto her finger.

"Crap," Meredith spat out without thinking, as a thought hit her.

He raised an eyebrow. "Not the response I was expecting, but I guess I'll have to live with it. At least you said yes first this time..."

She laughed. "I'm sorry, I just... we were supposed to tell them we were engaged, right? You wanted to tell them in person. Should I maybe not wear it until we tell them?" She paused at his expression. "They know."

He nodded. "I got caught this morning. I didn't actually tell them; they figured it out. Well, I told mom, but the rest figured it out."

"So, they know..."

"I'm sorry."

Her forehead creased. "Why are you sorry?"

"Because we were going to do it together."

"I'm not sorry," she said gently, hoping he would take it the right way. "I know you were excited about telling them, but after everything... I think I'm glad they know. It would have been a little overwhelming to be there."

"I hate to break it to you, but you're still going to be the center of attention for a little while."

"Yeah, but it's different. If they didn't know yet, there be the whole 'when do we tell them' thing until we did, and then there'd be that awkward pause and then..." She trailed off. "I'm assuming they were happy, seeing as you haven't warned me otherwise, and I...don't really know how to react to that. At least now it's not going to have just happened."

"That was almost a full blown ramble."

She laughed and buried her face against his chest. "I had to stop myself."

He kissed the top of her head. "They are happy," he confirmed. "And you're going to get congratulations and hugs. But no one is expecting you to react any particular way, okay?"

"And you're going to be there the whole time," she stated, standing upright again, only half-asking.

"And I'm going to be there the whole time," he confirmed.

"Then I'm okay."

"And I'm okay if you're okay."

She scrunched up her nose. "Corny."

"Maybe, but you're stuck with me."

Meredith hooked her hands behind his neck and leaned back slightly, trusting him to hold her. "You're stuck with me, too."

"Hmm, good," he murmured, leaning towards her, his lips finding hers.

"I mean it," she whispered when he pulled away. "I'm not going anywhere; not again."

Brushing the hair from her face, he tucked it behind her ear, before settling his palm against the side of her neck, his thumb brushing along the edge of her chin. For a lone moment, he simply stared at her, silent, taking a moment. Taking her in. Then he spoke, "Okay." There was something new about his tone; something that told Meredith it really way okay. What she had done had been wrong, but she had made up for it. She may have been a day late, but she showed up. He still loved her, just as much as before. He still wanted her, just as much as before. He had forgiven her, completely. And now they were back on track. They had talked. Things could only get better from here. She felt safe again; she was exactly where she belonged.

"If you're okay, I'm okay," she whispered back, tears just welling in her eyes.

The look of contemplation disappeared from his face as his lips curled upwards into a grin. "Thief."

She giggled. "Freedom of speech."

He rolled his eyes. "Still... I said it first."

She pecked his lips. "So..."

He raised an eyebrow. "So...?"

"Are we going to...do this?"

"Are you ready?"

"Probably not." She laughed nervously, before sucking in a deep breath. "But I think the longer I wait, the more I'm going to freak out."

With a breathy chuckle, Derek dipped his head and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "No more freaking out. They're going to love you. I promise."

She nodded and reached for his hand. "Okay. Let's do this. I...I'm ready."

He smiled and pecked her lips one last time, before leading her to the door.

She squeezed his hand, and smiled as he squeezed hers in response. As long as he was beside her, she could do this. As long as he was beside her, _she could do anything._


	85. Chapter 85

Clutching to Derek's hand as if it was a lifeline, Meredith followed him down the stairs, trusting him to believe when he told her everything was okay that he truly meant it, but thinking realistically about how differently they had grown up. Derek probably didn't know what it meant to have your family not really be a family.

Meredith didn't know what it felt like to have family be...family-like.

"This house is huge," she commented as they set foot on the ground floor. The stairs ended at the corner of a large living room that was, thankfully, empty of people.

He nodded. "The house I grew up in was about a quarter the size. Mom moved here when she and Brian got married. "I only ever lived here during the summer." Jane and Brian had gotten married in the summer before Derek had left for college.

"Did you miss the old house?" She asked. The concept of forming an emotional attachment was still relatively new to her. A house had only ever been a house to her. It wasn't until she had shared a house with Derek that she had come to understand the concept of having a home.

He offered her a small smile. "Sometimes. I guess I felt like we were leaving my dad behind. But it was good for my mom. She and dad had never planned on staying in that house, especially after having five kids. And there's no way we all would have been able to fit in the old house with all the kids."

She returned his smile, warmed by how much he cared for his mom. "Right. You and your massive family. That I have to meet..."

Derek chuckled and dropped her hand to hook his arm around her waist. "It's going to be fine," he assured her for the umpteenth time. "They're going to love you."

"I still think you're biased."

"I am not," he mumbled, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"You so are."

"Maybe," he relented, pressing a second kiss to her cheek. "But I have very good reasons to be biased."

She rolled her eyes, but silently allowed him to lead her across the living room to the door of the kitchen.

He came to a stop a few feet shy of the door and turned to her. "You ready?"

Despite the fact that her heart was now beating furiously against her chest, her throat was dry and she felt like her hands were on the verge of shaking, she nodded. "As I'll ever be."

"It'll be over soon," he comforted. "And I'll be right beside you."

"Okay; then I'm ready."

With one last reassuring smile, he pushed open the kitchen door and stepped into the room, pulling Meredith behind him.

Meredith sucked in a deep breath as she clutched tightly to Derek's hand and followed him trustingly into the kitchen. If he said it was going to be okay, it was going to be okay. He loved her; that was the most important thing in her world right now. No matter what happened, he would still be there with her tomorrow. And that was all she needed for the strength to get through what had to happen now.

With the hand that wasn't clutched in his shaking ever so slightly, Meredith stepped into the kitchen, prepared for stares and judgmental glances, and questions, questions and more questions.

Instead she was greeted with...

Nothing.

The kitchen was empty. Not one set of questioning eyes looked up to greet them. A few empty plates were scattered around the large kitchen table, surrounded by several empty chairs.

"Hmm," Derek murmured, tugging her towards he counters. "I guess they moved on. Do you want some coffee?"

"I...I...what? No. Where...?"

He dropped her hand as he reached to open the cupboard above the counter. "Are you sure you don't want any coffee?" He asked, holding to one mug, his free hand holding the cupboard open.

She just stared at him.

He furrowed his brow. "What?"

"How can you just... What is the matter with you?" She demanded.

"I, uh...love you?" He stammered as a response, obviously having no idea what it was he had done wrong.

"Well, if you really love me, you should say goodbye, because I think I'm about to have a freaking stroke!"

With an amused sigh, Derek set the mug down and snaked one arm around her waist. His free hand danced along her neck for her pulse. "Mmm," he murmured after several seconds. "Your blood pressure is only border line." He replaced his fingers with his lips, and then whispered, "I've felt it _much_ higher; just last night, even..."

A giggle escaped her lips, and with it some of her nerves dissipated.

He kissed her neck one more time before lifting his head to meet her eyes. His second hand joined the first at the small of her back. "Having some breakfast first might help."

She made a face. "I don't think I could eat right now."

He smirked. "I've never known you to turn down food."

This time she glared at him. "I have a serious problem here, Derek."

He raised an eyebrow. "That you're a perfectly healthy twenty-eight year old woman who is about to have a stroke?"

Her glare continued. "No; that I'm freaking out and the man who is supposed to love and support me is being a moron."

He stepped closer, and pressed his lips to her forehead. "I will always loves and support you. But you're going a little overboard. There's no reason to freak out."

"But...I was supposed to meet them months ago, but couldn't because of Izzy. And then a month after that, but couldn't because of my stupid appendix. And then two days ago, which...okay, was my bad. And I was supposed to meet them yesterday, but the stupid plane was late and I got bad directions and the first cab driver ditched me and I only ended up meeting two people by the time I got here, and who knows what I said..."

She would have continued had he not been looking at her _that _way. The way half of his mouth would quirk into a smile and he would cock his head and his eyes made her feel like she was his favourite thing to look at.

"What!?"

"If you're going to be like this for the rest of the week, you may actually have a stroke," he told her, biting back a laugh.

She released a sound that was a cross between a cry and a sigh, and dipped her head to rest her forehead against his chest. "I just need to get it over with," she mumbled.

As if her words had some sort of power, the door to the kitchen pushed open. Meredith was upright like a shot at the sound, sucking in a deep breath as she prepared to meet whoever was now in the room, hidden from her view by Derek, who was between her and the door.

"There you are, Derek," said a voice Meredith vaguely recognized from a phone conversation – the one from Christmas when she had been sober. She still had no memory of her morphine induced conversation with Derek's mother. "We were beginning to think you'd disappeared."

Derek offered Meredith a supportive smile before he turned to face his mom. "It's you lot who disappeared. We came down and everyone was gone."

"The kids dragged everyone into a full scale game of...well, I'm not sure what they're playing. A combination of tag, hide-and-seek and rugby would be my guess." Jane responded as she stepped forward, her focus moving away from her son. "You must be Meredith."

She nodded three times before she remembered she could nod and speak at the same time. "Yes. Hi." Derek's hand found the small of her back, and she was able to release a breath. "It's very nice to meet you, Mrs. Shepherd. I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner." She reached out her hand.

Jane smiled at her and shook her head. "We hug in this household," she stated, and before Meredith knew it, the older woman, who looked so much like Derek, was hugging her. Very carefully, she returned the gesture. "And call me Jane. I'm so glad you could make it, Meredith, especially after everything that happened with your friend."

"Yeah...I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner."

Jane shook her head, dismissing the apology. "The important thing is that you're here now."

"I...thank-you." And then there was this horrible pause where Jane smiled at her and she smiled back at Jane and no one said anything. _Why hadn't she thought to come up with topics ahead of time? Why hadn't she asked Derek for suggestions when she had the chance?_

_ Maybe she _was_ going to have a stroke after all..._

"Meredith, have you had breakfast yet?"

"We were just getting some coffee," Derek offered, returning his hand to Meredith's back, and rubbing a soothing circle.

"Why don't you get that ready and Meredith can come and sit at the table with me?" Jane suggested, before turning to the table.

Meredith turned her head to Derek, eyes wide.

"Go," he prompted. "I'll be twelve feet away."

"I..."

He pecked her lips and then pushed her towards the table. "Go."

As if on autopilot, Meredith stumbled over to the table and sat kitty corner to Jane. That seemed right. That way they weren't beside each other, but she didn't look like she was avoiding by sitting across the table or something similar.

Jane offered her a smile and reached a hand towards her, low over the table. "May I?"

Confused, Meredith lifted her hands, thinking Jane was reaching for something under them. It took her by surprise when Jane's hand followed her own. Her ring. She wanted to see her ring. "Oh, yeah." She swallowed hard as she released her hand into Jane's. Here it came; the moment of disapproval. The look. The comment. The tone.

But it never came.

"It's beautiful, dear. My son did well, even without any of us to help him."

"You have such little faith in me. It's hurts, Ma," Derek commented as he joined them at he table, setting a mug down in front of Meredith before sitting next to her.

Jane chuckled and released Meredith's hand. "I was so happy to hear you were engaged. Derek has told me so much about you."

"Oh, you too," Meredith responded, offering a small smile. This wasn't as bad as she thought. Either Jane was very good at setting up false sense of security or...there really wasn't any judgement.

"Good things, I hope."

A hint of a laugh escaped Meredith's lips. "Well, mostly."

Jane laughed out loud.

Meredith surprised herself by laughing as well.

"All good things," Derek added, also laughing.

"So, tell me," Jane began, flicking her eyes between them, "Have you set a date yet?"

"Not yet," Derek responded.

"We haven't really had a chance to talk about it yet," Meredith added.

Jane stared at her for a long moment, before glancing to Derek, and then back to Meredith. "Derek's told me a bit of what's gone on in your," she motioned to the two of them, "life lately."

Although such a comment would normally cause a stress response, and likely a ramble, Meredith was calmed by the fact that Jane had clearly accepted that fact that she and Derek had a life together.

"I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear you've had such a hard time lately, Meredith," Jane continued. "And that makes me even more glad you could make it this week."

Derek's arm tightened around her waist, and Meredith leaned into his warmth as she met Jane's eyes. "Thank-you."

Jane smiled warmly at her. "You're very welcome, Meredith. And I hope the two of you can come and visit more than once a year from now on."

"We will," Derek responded, with a slight roll of the eyes at how his mother's comment was obviously directed to him.

"Although," Jane continued, after giving her son a wry smile, "Meredith, New York has quite a bit to offer. Great surgical residency programs, from what I hear."

"Ma," Derek warned.

"Much less rain than Seattle. Great quality of life," Jane continued, turning her attention back to her son, "And ferry boats; because apparently that is a main criteria."

"That's not the only reason I live in Seattle," Derek responded dryly.

"I know that, Derek," Jane stated, "I'm trying to convince the other reason."

Although it was obvious that although Jane was hopeful they would move closer but wasn't being serious, it still made Meredith's heart beat a little faster. In a good way. Because Jane didn't seem to be judging her. She seemed to have accepted her place in Derek's life, which was...surprising. She had expected to be questioned and judged, before maybe being somewhat accepted.

"We're happy in Seattle, Ma."

"I'll leave it alone...for now." She said with a laugh.

Meredith smiled, and then joined the laugh, as Derek rolled his eyes beside her.

"Have you always lived in Seattle, Meredith?"

"I was born there," Meredith answered, "But my mom and I moved to Boston when I was five. I didn't go back to Seattle until last year."

"Boston is closer to New York than Seattle."

Meredith laughed again. "There's nothing worth going to Boston for."

"And there's no ferry boats," Derek added.

This time Meredith giggled. "Yes, there are."

He shrugged. "I've never been."

"Where did you go to school, Meredith?"

"Dartmouth," she answered easily. Jane was asking questions, but she seemed genuinely curious, not judgemental. She wasn't waiting for Meredith to say the wrong thing.

"For college and med school?"

Meredith nodded.

"I've heard that's a good school. My kids didn't venture too far for school."

Meredith nodded, as she laid a hand on Derek's knee. She knew how much he had wanted to go somewhere further away for school, but hadn't been able to because of the pull he felt to help his family. "Yeah...it was nice." She took a sip of her coffee.

"And how did you enjoy your internship? I know my kids were glad to be done at the end of it."

Meredith nodded. "Definitely glad it's over. It was...it was a very long year."

"Glad to leave it behind you?" Jane asked knowingly.

She nodded. "Definitely."

"You must be, especially after everything that's happened."

"Yeah, it's been pretty bad," she admitted, feeling a slight tug in her chest.

"Ouch," Derek muttered.

She giggled, the tugging in her chest releasing. He always knew how to make her feel better, regardless of the situation. "It hasn't all been bad," she clarified, rubbing her hand on Derek's knee again. "There's definitely been a lot of good too." And it was true. Regardless of how much bad she had been hit with, and how much pain she had felt, she wouldn't trade the last year of her life for anything. She had found a family in that year. She had found the love of her life in that year. She had learned how to love; how to be loved. She had learned friendship and loyalty and support. She had gotten engaged; secured a forever.

"That's better," Derek murmured, as he leaned close and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Despite the fact that Derek's mother was watching, Meredith smiled and allowed Derek's arms to snake around her from the side, hugging her to him. Maybe this whole family thing wasn't so hard after all.

The kitchen door pushed open, and Meredith joined Derek and Jane in craning her neck towards the sound, forgetting to even be nervous. A kind looking, older man entered, and Meredith could only assume it was Derek's stepfather.

"We were wondering what was keeping you," he said to Jane as he moved toward the table. "But now I understand." He offered Meredith a warm smile.

Derek stood. "Brian, this is Meredith. Mer, this is Brian, my stepdad."

Meredith stood as well, shaking Brian's offered hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too," he responded easily, releasing her hand and sitting beside his wife. "We were glad to hear you made it."

Meredith nodded as she sat back down beside Derek. "I was pretty glad too."

"How's your friend?"

She sighed, before nodding. "She's...okay. Both better and worse than expected." She shrugged. "She said she was fine if I left. I...I hope she's okay." In truth, she felt guilty for leaving Cristina in Hawaii. After sulking for over a day, Cristina had basically kicked her off the island. Apparently, the trip was for 'fun, single women' only, and Meredith was no longer welcome.

"I'm sure she'll be okay," he responded, offering a warm smile.

Meredith returned the smile and took a sip of her coffee, which was now almost empty.

Once she returned the mug to the table, Derek reached for the handle and pulled it towards him. "Want another cup?"

"Sure, thanks."

He nodded and stood, both his and her coffee mug in hand. "Are you hungry? We've still got breakfast foods out."

"I..." She stammered for a moment, unsure. Everyone else had already eaten. But at the same time, she was starving. She hadn't eaten since...well, she couldn't really remember. There had been a meal on one of her flights the day before. "Something small would be great."

"We have frosted flakes," Jane said with a smirk. And then she and Brian laughed together.

Meredith glanced to them, confused, and then to Derek, questioning. He shook his head, motioning that he didn't know why it was funny. It must be some inside joke.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Meredith," Jane said, surprising her. "I just...can't get that out of my head."

Meredith blinked. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand..."

"Just...you and Tony."

Now Meredith was completely lost. Who the hell was Tony? And the worst thing was; now Derek was laughing. What the hell was going on? Obviously she was still asleep, and this was some weird dream her sleep deprived mind had come up with. She should have known the initial meeting with Jane was going far too easily.

"Grrrrreat," Jane prompted, and then shook her head at Meredith's blank expression. "You really don't remember, do you?"

A vague wisp of a memory floated through her subconscious. Tony the Tiger. From the cereal box. Her hands flew up to cover her face, trying to cover the sudden blushing. "Oh, god..." How had she spent so much time talking to Derek's mother this morning without thinking of the horrifying, morphine induced phone call that she still didn't remember making?

Derek chuckled as he sat back down beside her, his hand landing supportively on her back.

"Oh, god," she repeated, still hiding behind her hands. "I talked to you about Tony the Tiger..."

"Yes, you did," Jane said, amusedly. "Although you didn't know his name until I told you. And you thought I was very cool for knowing his name."

"You also didn't know he was a tiger," Derek added. "You thought he was a lion, until Bailey corrected you."

"I said it to Bailey too?" She asked meekly.

"Yup. After you kept trying to get her to say 'grrrreat!'"

The three of them laughed, and Meredith just wanted to crawl into a hole.

"Oh, sweetheart, it's okay," Jane said, as she reached across the table to rest a supportive hand on Meredith's forearm, a gesture that Derek had obviously picked up growing up. "That was far from the most embarrassing thing someone in this family has done."

Meredith very slowly pulled her hands down her face. "I still can't believe I called you..."

"You didn't say anything bad, Meredith." Jane assured her, releasing her arm. "It was actually quite funny; you were insistent that Derek was acting strange and you were perfectly fine."

She allowed herself a small smile. They weren't laughing at her; just wanted to laugh with her. It was part of the family thing. And maybe Jane was telling the truth and she hadn't said anything too damaging.

"You said that quite a few times," Derek added. "That I was acting strange."

She furrowed her brow, trying to remember. "Was that when I called you pathetic?"

"One of the times." He chuckled and leaned in to kiss the side of her cheek.

"I wish I could remember..."

"Maybe it's best that you don't," Jane said.

Meredith furrowed her brow. "Why? What else did I say?"

Jane just smiled. "Nothing damaging."

"But..."

"Don't worry, Meredith. I'm sure I'll tell you everything one day. Let's say in...ten years?"

Despite how much she wanted to know everything she had said, she couldn't help but return Jane's smile, because she had said ten years. Like it was expected. She was here to stay. And Derek's family seemed already to have accepted it.

Suddenly the thing she had been afraid of for so long seemed so much simpler than she had ever expected.


	86. Chapter 86

The sound of hurrying footsteps, and then the sound of the kitchen door swinging open, interrupted the surprisingly comfortable conversation going on at the table.

"Uncle Derek!" Exclaimed the small boy who ran into the kitchen. "You're here!"

Derek barely had enough time to move his chair back from the table in order to catch his very excited nephew.

"Mommy told me you would be here!" He continued as Derek scooped him onto his lap. "I missed you so much, Uncle Derek," he added as he hugged his small arms tightly around Derek's neck.

"I missed you too, buddy," Derek returned with a smile, hugging his nephew.

"Nice to see you too, Jake," Jane prodded, laughing at how her grandson had completely ignored her, his grandmother, as well as his grandfather, aunt, uncle and Meredith.

"I missed you too, grandma," Jake responded, flashing a happy smile towards his grandmother, his arm still around Derek's neck, "But Uncle Derek has been gone for ever and ever!"

Derek smiled and turned the boy so he was sitting sideways in his lap. "Jake, there's someone very important I want you to meet. This is Meredith."

Meredith felt her heart melt just a bit as the young boy, who looked so much like his uncle, offered her a bright, toothless smile. "Hi!"

Her heart melted just a bit at the sight of Derek and his nephew together, not that she'd ever admit that out loud. Jake, with his blue eyes and unruly, dark brown hair, was exactly what she would have pictured Derek as looking like when he was a kid; Jake was what she had pictured her and Derek's son looking like. Not that she would have admitted she had pictured what any theoretical future children she and Derek had together would look like.

"And Meredith, this is Jake."

"Hi, Jake," Meredith responded, laughing as the little boy stuck out his hand. She shook it.

"My whole name is Jacob Derek Shepherd-Walsh, but everyone calls me Jake," Jake informed her. "And I'm seven."

"Are you named after your uncle?"

He nodded emphatically. "Uh-huh. Because when I was born I looked just like him."

Meredith smiled. "You still look like him."

Jake smiled and leaned into Derek. "Are you Uncle Derek's girlfriend?"

She nodded, flashing her eyes hesitantly to Derek and then back to Jake.

Derek smiled warmly. "She's not just my girlfriend, Jake. She's my fiancée; do you know what that means?"

Jake shook his head.

"It means we're going to get married."

Jake stared at her for a long moment, his face scrunched as he thought about what Derek had said to him. "Does that mean you're going to be my aunt?"

This time she really did hesitate. This was all new to her. And she was hyper aware that Jane and Brian were watching the exchange. "I, uh..." Her eyes flickered to Derek's. He offered her a warm smile and a nod. She took a breath and turned her attention back to the young boy. "That's exactly what it means."

Jake smiled. "That's so cool. I'm a really great nephew."

She smiled at his exuberance. "That's good. I...I've never been an aunt before."

Derek whispered something she couldn't hear in Jake's ear, and then the young boy jumped off his lap and onto Meredith's, wrapping his arms around her neck in a tight hug; just like he had done to Derek.

After a moment of delay, Meredith very cautiously returned the hug, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of the boy's boney knees digging into her thighs as he knelt on her lap.

"I'm glad you're going to be my aunt," Jake said. "You're going to be a super, duper aunt."

"Jake! What did I say about running off like that?"

Jake released Meredith and jumped onto his feet to face his mother, who was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms crossed. "But I wanted to see Uncle Derek."

Nancy shook her head. "No; you knew you had to help bring your bag in from the car."

"But mom-"

"Go help your father unload the car."

He huffed and stood his ground.

"Jacob. Go."

"Fine," he mumbled, taking off at a run.

Nancy smiled and shook his head. "I swear; that kid never stops."

Derek stood to greet his sister. "Don't be too hard on him. He has a tough life."

Nancy rolled her eyes. "He does not."

"Trust me, he does," Derek insisted, hugging Nancy. "The only boy, with four sisters... Not easy."

"You have to get over it, Derek. We were good sisters."

He kissed her cheek and released her. "It's good to see you, Nancy."

"You too, Derek," she responded as he released her.

Nancy smiled at Meredith, and then furrowed her brow. "Nice to see you again, Meredith. But I thought you weren't supposed to make it? Something about your friend?"

"Uh, change of plans," Meredith said.

Nancy smiled. "Good. I'm glad you could make it."

"Me too."

The door opened again, and a tall, light haired man walked in. "The girls are out back with the other kids and Jake is very unhappily taking his bag downstairs."

Nancy laughed and ushered her husband closer. "Meredith, this is my husband, Shane. Shane, this is Meredith."

"It's nice to meet you," Meredith offered, shaking his hand.

"You too," Shane responded. "I heard a lot after Nancy went to visit you two in Seattle." He turned his attention to Derek and offered a hand. "Something about you owning a trailer?"

Derek shook his hand as he rolled his eyes good naturedly. "It was temporary. And it came with the land."

"Temporary is a weekend, Derek," Nancy said dryly. "Maybe even a week. How long did you live in that thing?"

"That is none of your business."

Nancy smirked. "I rest my case."

Derek rolled his eyes good naturedly as he sat back down.

Meredith sat beside him, and couldn't help but smile at the exchange.

"So, little brother," Nancy began, as she joined them at the table, Shane sitting beside her. "What's new on the west coast? Do you have running water and electricity yet?"

Derek huffed. "Just because I don't live in New York anymore doesn't mean Seattle is in any way inferior."

"But it's not New York," Nancy prompted him, half serious and half kidding with her brother.

"That's a plus," Derek retorted.

Nancy surveyed him for a long moment before making a face. "I can't believe you actually sound like you believe that..."

Derek retorted again, which led to another response from Nancy.

Meredith smiled as she watched the exchange. It hadn't been like this the last time she had met Nancy; the last time she had seen her and Derek interact. Derek had been stressed before, caught unprepared, and struggled to balance his new life with his old. But had it been the surprise or the timing? Derek had still been struggling with who he was at the time. His demeanour had evened out over the past few months. He seemed more comfortable in his own skin; more confident with who he was, instead of who he thought everyone else wanted him to be. Meredith wondered now what he would be like should any of his family ever visit them in Seattle again.

A moment later she was struck with the realization that the thought didn't make her panic like she would have expected. It was almost...normal. She had made it to New York, and she was sitting at the table with her fiancée, in his mother's kitchen, getting to know his family. It seemed only natural that they would one day be sitting together at a Seattle table together.

Nancy huffed, pulling her from her own thoughts. "Meredith, how do you put up with him?"

Meredith hesitated, not having heard the last parts of their 'argument.' "Uh..."

Jane smiled at her daughter, and spoke before Meredith could. "I think she's quite happy to 'put up with him.'"

Nancy furrowed her brow as she glanced at her mother, Meredith, and then her brother. She was suspicious, having heard something in her mother's tone.

Derek reached for Meredith's hand, and turned to smile at his sister. "I convinced her to marry me."

Meredith felt a laughing breath escaped her lungs, because, really, she hadn't needed any convincing. She would have said yes that day in the basement, when they were both tired and tense and wearing dirty scrubs.

Nancy's expression turned quickly from curiosity to excitement. She hopped up from her seat and hurried around the table to hug her brother. "Derek, I'm so happy for you."

Derek managed to stand and return the hug. "Thanks, Nance."

She patted him on the back before releasing him. "This is so exciting." She turned to Meredith and hugged her as well. "Meredith, welcome to the family."

Surprised to feel her eyes sting at the comment, Meredith could only nod. Derek's arm snaked around her waist as they were congratulated by Shane. Her lips were curled upwards into a smile she didn't seem able to suppress. Derek's enthusiasm for telling his family was contagious.

After Shane had offered his congratulations, Nancy stepped back in and reached for her hand, taking a long look at the ring. And then she lifted her eyes to her brother's, a smirk on her lips, "I guess you couldn't afford anything bigger, what with working at your _inferior_, _west coast_ hospital."

Derek huffed and jokingly shoved his sister in the shoulder, knowing she was only prodding him. "It's bigger than yours."

"I think you should get this," Derek said, almost two hours later, holding up a hideous green and yellow sundress.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're so not being helpful." After finishing breakfast (even though it was lunch time) and meeting Kathleen, her husband Tim, and a host of kids Meredith couldn't count, let alone name, she and Derek had left the house to do some shopping. He had driven them to a department store, and had been annoyingly unhelpful since they had arrived in the women's clothing department, choosing to find the ugliest clothes he could.

"I'm super helpful. What would you be doing right now without me?"

She smirked. "I wouldn't be in New York, and wouldn't have to be shopping right now."

He made a face as he returned the dress to the rack. "Okay, you may have a point, but I have to say that I am infinitely happy you're here."

"Me too."

He stepped forward and snaked his arms around her middle. "There's nowhere else I would rather be right now."

She hooked her arms behind his neck. "I can't say I feel the same way."

His eyes narrowed. "You're saying you would rather not be with me right now?"

"Being with you, all snugly, or whatever, is perfect. It's the whole shopping thing I would rather not be doing. I _hate_ shopping." And it was true. She didn't mind quick runs to the grocery store, because that was kind of essential if you wanted to eat. What she hated was clothes shopping. Unfortunately, right now it was essential too. With her very limited packing, she needed more clothes to get through the rest of the week. She didn't need the Shepherds to think she was crazy by wearing the same outfit all week.

"We don't have to get you more clothes," he replied, and by the look on his face, Meredith knew exactly what he was going to say next. "You could just spend the next two weeks naked..."

"I'm sure your family would think that was highly appropriate," she retorted, sarcasm heavy in her tone.

"I could just keep you locked in my bedroom the whole time."

She leaned close and whispered, "That sounds very porny."

He pecked her lips. "What's wrong with that?"

Meredith leaned back in his arms, trusting him to hold her. "I thought the purpose of this trip was to get to know your family?"

He shrugged. "Priorities change."

She snorted and leaned forward, kissing him quickly, before stepping out of his arms. "Stop trying to distract me. It's just going to take longer to get this over with."

"Yeah, because it's _me_ distracting _you_," he mumbled.

She sent him a joking glare. "Glad we got that straight."

"I still think you should get that dress..."

With a laugh, she shook her head. "Why don't you go have a look at the men's department while I do this? I think it may speed up the process..."

With a dramatic sigh, he pecked her cheek and headed for the other end of the store.

She smiled after him for a long moment. When she had shown up in New York, she had expected him to be happy to see her, but she had never expected them to get back to normal so quickly. They had talked things through, had make-up sex, and had moved on. It was all so...grown up. And he was so happy now that it was infectious. This was what he had wanted for so long; to included her with his family.

Once he had disappeared from her sight, she turned back to the task at hand. She needed...everything. The suitcase she had taken to Hawaii, that she had packed with tears in her eyes, had been not even half way filled with some toiletries, a pair of sandals, some socks and underwear, her one bathing suit, and a small amount of clothes, mainly designed for very warm weather.

With a sigh, Meredith began navigating the many sales racks more seriously, pulling off the items she liked.

It was close to an hour later that she exited the dressing room to find Derek waiting on the bench beside the door. He smirked at the overflowing basket she carried. "Found a few things, did you? You definitely don't look like you hate shopping."

"I do," she insisted, "Which is why when I have to do it, I might as well get a lot, so I don't have to do it again for a long time."

He smiled at her and stood. It was then she spotted the neatly folded items beside him.

She raised an eyebrow. "And I see I'm not the only one who found some things..."

Derek shrugged. "Don't people come from far and wide to shop in New York?"

Meredith laughed, but was interrupted before she could respond.

"Oh, you're done," said the salesgirl, who had been extremely helpful and patient with Meredith, and had brought several items to her attention that were now in her basket. "We're just unloading a new shipment and I found a few more things I thought you might like." There was close to a dozen pieces of clothing in her arms.

Meredith sighed, but had to admit the salesgirl had a good eye.

Derek took the basket from her fingers. "Leave that with me. It's not like you could fit anymore in it anyway..."

Meredith giggled as she took the clothing and thanked the salesgirl.

"You're being very patient," the salesgirl praised Derek.

He chuckled. "I'm a patient guy."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Hey, I hate shopping just as much as he does."

Derek smiled good naturedly at the salesgirl. "To be fair, this is the first time she's dragged me out shopping in a year."

The salesgirl laughed and left the area.

"I so didn't drag you. You drove!"

"You made me."

"I did not. You offered. And there's nothing keeping you here," she said dryly.

"Yes, there is."

She cocked her head. "What?"

He smiled warmly at her, stepping close, his hands reaching for her hips. "You." He pecked her lips.

Meredith reached her hands around his waist as her heart did the same melting thing it had done earlier while watching Derek and Jake together. Derek's breath was warm against her cheek as he pulled her against him in a way that was comfortable and intimate. "I like being out with you," he whispered. "I like doing things with you."

"Me too."

"I'd go shopping with you every day."

Meredith snorted and leaned back far enough to meet his eyes. "Never going to happen."

He pecked her lips again. "Even better."

She giggled. "I hate shopping."

Derek released her as he eyed the new clothing items. "How is this different than the shirt I picked out for you earlier?" He asked, running his fingers over a simple, navy blue tee shirt.

She giggled. "Because the one you picked was plaid, and had a skull and cross bones across the back."

He chuckled. "Good point."

After sifting through all of the items, Meredith pulled a dress out from the middle. It was long and simple, with a slight scoop neck. The top was white and it gradually darkened down the skirt, to the tapered bottom where it was dark, lavender purple. It was nice, but, "I probably don't need a dress."

He shrugged. "No harm in trying it on. We could go out to dinner or something this week, or next." He smirked. "Plus, you'd look good in it..."

She bit down onto her lower lip as she fought off the feelings he caused in her when he looked at her like he was doing now. "Fine; I'll try it on. But you have to stop looking at me like that, because we're in the middle of a department store."

He glanced around, before shrugging and lowering his voice. "I could just sneak into the dressing room with you. No one would ever notice..."

"There are security cameras everywhere."

"We're buying out half their store. I'm sure they wouldn't mind."

She giggled. "This is so not half the store."

"Fine; leave me out here all alone..."

"I will." She pecked his lips and then returned to the dressing room.

She tried on all of the other items first, purposely leaving the purple dress until last. It was light weight when she finally pulled it over her head, and it loosely hugged her body, the bottom falling between her feet and knees. It was nice and elegant, without being fancy. If she needed to dress up at all in the next two weeks, it was perfect. With a smile, she took it off and added it to her 'yes' pile.

When she redressed and left the change room, Derek was nowhere to be found.

She helped herself to another basket by the door of the change room, and headed down the path to the shoe department. She needed more than a pair of sneakers and a pair of sandals, especially if they did end up going out for dinner.

Shoe shopping was better than clothes shopping, mainly because there were fewer choices and it was much less effort to try anything on. A pair of black slip-ons caught her eyes, and proved to be comfortable when she tried them on. She also found a pair of purple strapy-sandals, which matched her dress, in the clearance rack.

As if knowing the timing would be perfect, Derek appeared the moment she had dropped the second pair of shoes into her basket, holding nothing but a drink in his hands.

"Where did you disappear to?"

He shrugged. "Took everything out to the car. Then discovered the cafe downstairs by the side doors."

"You paid for everything?"

"Mmm-hmm," he murmured, taking a sip of his drink.

"Derek..."

He offered her a reassuring smile. "You can pay me back in other ways."

She gave him a look.

He sighed. "You just flew here from Hawaii, Mer. That's not cheap."

"No, but it was my fault I was _in_ Hawaii in the first place."

"We're surgeons. And we're getting married. What's mine is yours." He stepped forward and hooked his free arm around her waist, kissing her. "I love you. And after everything we've been through in the last few months, please don't stress over a couple hundred dollars."

"Fine."

He smiled. "Though I have to say, I was very happy to see some of your selections..."

She fought not to blush as she remembered the lingerie she had picked out. "Yeah, well, you ruined the surprise."

"I'll act surprised tonight."

Meredith shook her head. "I'm saving it until next week."

"Even though I bought it for you?"

"Even so."

"That seems a little unfair..."

"It's your mother's house, Derek," she reminded him. "I don't want us to get carried away."

"Hmm, good point." He offered her his drink. "Thirsty?"

She took it gratefully. "What is it?"

"Iced coffee."

"It's good."

Derek took the basket from her, and captured her free hand with his as they began to walk towards the cashier. "So, does this shopping trip include any other departments? Women's handbags? Accessories? Watches? Electronics?"

She shot him a questioning look.

He smirked. "I've looped the store a few times. I could totally get a job here."

She snorted. "That would be a good step up for your career; medicine to retail."

Derek shrugged. "Maybe I could do it part time?"

"It would be quite the commute."

"I guess you're right," he said, making a show of sighing. "But seriously, is there anything else you need?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so. We can go home."

He smirked, his eyes sparkling. "Home, huh?"

"I..." She stammered, caught by surprise. "I mean, back to your mom's."

"Mmm," he murmured, saying nothing.

"Just...shut up," she mumbled back to him.

He chuckled. "I'm glad you're feeling comfortable here, Mer."

She came to a stop and turned to face him. "Me too."

"And I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too."

When they pulled into the driveway of Jane's house they did so behind a silver car.

"That must be Lauren," Derek commented as they parked alongside the car and watched as three doors opened.

"Crap," Meredith muttered, caught off guard by the last family members she needed to meet.

Derek turned his head to her, an eyebrow raised. "Crap?"

"I just...thought I'd have some warning... Why do you have to have such a freaking huge family?"

With a chuckle, he leaned across the centre consul and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "They're going to be your family soon."

As much as the thought scared her, it also created a mostly unfamiliar feeling in her gut.

Hope.

They would be her family soon. _He_ would be her family soon. Legally and officially. For something she had never let herself want before, she wanted it more than anything now. She craved it; the consistency. The love. The safety.

A family.

"You coming?" He asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"Last one, right?"

He smiled. "Right."

She nodded. "Okay." She opened her door and stepped out of the car, watching as Derek hugged the woman who had stepped out of the passenger side of the vehicle beside theirs. Cautiously, she stepped around the front of their car and stopped, uncertain, not wanting to interrupt the siblings reuniting after a year.

When Derek pulled away from the hug, he reached a hand to Meredith, and pulled her close. "Lauren, this is Meredith. Mer, this is my sister, Lauren."

With dark, curly hair and blue eyes, Lauren looked just like her brother. She smiled at Meredith and shook her hand. "I'm his favourite sister," she offered.

Meredith smiled. "That's what I hear."

Lauren laughed. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too."

A young girl wandered around from the other side of the car, a smile on her face.

Derek beamed when he saw her. "Emily, is that you? You're getting so tall."

"She's growing like a weed," Lauren said, before turning to Meredith. "This is my daughter, Emily. Em, this is Uncle Derek's girlfriend, Meredith."

Emily hugged her uncle tightly before she leaned back against him and smiled up at Meredith. "Hi." She looked like her mother, tall and thin, with long, medium brown hair.

"Hi." Meredith smiled back, trying to remember the girl's age. She was Lauren's only child; she knew that. Eight? Nine, maybe?

"...And this is Nathan," Lauren continued, motioning for the man who had been standing by the front of the car to come closer. Meredith hadn't even noticed him before.

Clearly, Derek hadn't noticed him either. His demeanour darkened noticeably as the man approached.

"It's nice to meet you both," he said politely, his voice calm and friendly, traits which were mirrored in his expression. He was tall and slightly heavy set, with light hair and a kind smile.

"You too," Meredith responded, shaking his hand.

Derek stared at the man for a long moment, before reaching out a hand to shake. His free hand settled on his niece's shoulder, as if he was keeping her away from the man.

"I didn't know you were seeing anyone," he said to his sister, his tone short and unhappy.

Lauren sighed. She looked anxious. Uncertain of Derek's response. "Yeah...we've been together for...over a year. And...we're getting married."

Meredith furrowed her brow as she watched the exchange. Lauren was clearly expecting a bad reaction from Derek. She tried to remember what Derek had told her about his youngest sister. Lauren was a single parent. She had stayed with Derek and Addison once or twice. She couldn't remember anything that would put that look in Derek's eyes.

"Over a year? So, before I left."

"Yes."

"And you're getting married."

"Yes."

Derek huffed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"At first, I knew how you'd react. And then you moved across the country."

"Ever heard of a phone?"

"Have you?" Lauren shot back. "Because clearly we're in the same situation."

"That is not true. I told you about Meredith."

"Yeah? And how long have you been engaged?"

Meredith winced as she realized she had forgotten she was wearing her ring.

Derek, caught by surprise for a moment, stammered. "I wanted to tell you in person."

Lauren sighed and turned to her daughter. "Sweetie, why don't you go in and say hi to Grandma?"

Emily nodded at her mother. "Okay."

When she was out of hearing range, Lauren turned back to Derek, glaring now. "I can make my own decisions, Derek."

"I know that, but-"

"There is no 'but,' Derek. Nathan and I are getting married. You don't get a say in that."

"Does mom know?"

"Yes. Everyone knows."

"Then why am I the last to know?"

"Because I wanted to tell you in person," she said, echoing Derek's words from earlier.

Derek remained silent, his expression angry, but with a hint of something else. Worry, maybe?

Lauren cautiously reached for Derek's forearm. "Its okay, Derek. I'm happy."

Derek's eyes flashed towards Nathan, who offered him an understanding smile and stepped closer to Lauren, his hand falling onto her shoulder.

Meredith felt her brow furrow as she watched the exchange. Clearly there was something she was missing.

After a long, silent moment, Nathan kissed Lauren's cheek and whispered, "I'll leave you guys to talk."

Meredith hesitated as she watched Nathan take a suitcase from the trunk. Derek and Lauren were staring at each other, waiting for something.

Waiting for privacy.

The realization washed over Meredith, creating an odd combined feeling of confusion, worry and nervousness. Because now she had a choice to make.

Either she could remain outside, be a third wheel to a conversation she was already lost in.

Or she could go into the house. Alone.

Well, not _alone _alone. She'd go in with Nathan. But she'd be leaving Derek outside.

She'd be leaving her security blanket outside.

And that was...well, she wasn't sure what that was.

The trunk shut was a bang.

It wasn't all that loud, but Meredith flinched anyway.

Nathan sent her a questioning look, silently asking if she was coming in with him.

Meredith hesitated.

"I... I'll go too." She stammered.

Derek turned his head, meeting her eyes. Questioning. Worried.

She offered him a brave smile, telling him it was okay. He had promised to stay with her until she was comfortable. He had promised.

And he would keep that promise, she knew.

But it wasn't the right decision right now. Clearly there was something going on between him and his sister that needed to be addressed now.

And she would be okay. She had met everyone with him beside her. No one seemed to be harbouring any hatred towards her. No one seemed likely to want her gotten rid of. No one seemed to think Derek had made a mistake in picking her.

Derek cocked his head slightly, his eyes asking if she was sure.

She nodded, silently telling him it was okay.

He offered her a terse smile, thanking her. Encouraging her. Telling her it would be okay.

She smiled back and turned to follow Nathan up the driveway to the house, trying to convince Derek she was confident about this. Trying to convince herself she was confident about this.

It was going to be okay.


	87. Chapter 87

Meredith silently followed Nathan up the driveway – away from Derek – to the house.

Nathan had obviously spent time with the Shepherd family, as he didn't even bother to knock when he reached the front door. He pulled it open and motioned for Meredith to enter first.

"Thanks," she said quietly, sending one last glance back over her shoulder before stepping into the house. This was very different from the last time she had entered the house; the night before, when she had been completely exhausted and anxious and hopped up on adrenaline all at the same time. And Derek had been in the house. She had been taken _to _Derek. Now she was being taken _away_ from Derek.

"This has been coming for a while," he commented as he stepped into the front hall behind her. "But I'm sure it will be okay once they get everything out of their systems."

Meredith nodded, though she wasn't sure why. Derek had told her his sister was single. Obviously he had been caught by surprise at Nathan's presence. But that shouldn't be enough to create the sort of reaction that was going on now. Sure, Derek had an overprotective streak, but three of his sisters were married and they all had kids.

"I'm going to run the suitcase upstairs," Nathan continued, slipping off his shoes and heading down the hall for the stairs.

And she was alone.

And a little terrified.

With a deep breath, she leaned down and slowly – very slowly – untied the laces on her sneakers, pretending like she didn't normally just slip them on and off still tied. When that was done she pulled them off and stood, barefoot, silent, still.

What now?

A thump, thump, thud of tiny footsteps echoed from somewhere in the house, followed by a series of giggles. The basement, Meredith assumed. The kids were in the basement; or at least some of them. Fourteen kids were a lot. They probably didn't all fit in the same place.

There didn't seem to be any life on the main floor. The family was probably out back, where they had been earlier that afternoon when she and Derek had left.

She could make a run for it. The thought entered her mind before she could help it.

The stairs were so close. So temptingly close. All she had to do was make it to the second floor and the safety of Derek's bedroom. No one would even know she was home until Derek and Lauren came in when they were done arguing about...whatever it was they were arguing about. If they were even arguing.

She would be safe if she went upstairs.

She would also be a coward.

Safe.

Coward.

Safe.

Coward.

Hmm.

It was a tough call.

"Come on, Grey," she muttered to herself, trying to force herself to make a choice. The stairs were beckoning to her, pulling her to them. All she had to do was lift one foot after the other. Reach the landing. Tiptoe down to Derek's room. Shut the door. And she'd be safe. And a coward.

She'd be a coward, but she'd be safe.

And yet...

"Come on," she repeated, a little louder. "You made it this far."

She had travelled thousands of miles to spend the week with Derek and his family. She could walk the fifty feet or so through the house to the backyard. They were getting married. Married. Her and Derek. That meant these people, who she wanted to avoid, would be here in-laws. Her family.

And that meant she needed to learn how to do this family thing. She needed to learn how to be alone with these people.

She took a step forward. And then another. And another. She reached the doorway to the living room. Step. Step. Step. She was halfway across when she paused. Stopped. Took a deep breath. Convinced herself she was still the New Meredith. Convinced herself she could do this. Derek wouldn't be long. He wouldn't abandon her for long.

Step. Step. Step. She reached the back hallway. Just a few more steps.

And then the back door was looming in front of her.

She could hear voices and laughter from the other side. They were out there. All of them.

She took a deep breath, reached for the doorknob and-

The door swung towards her unexpectedly, catching her by surprise. She didn't have time to get out of the way, and the door slammed against her, the door knob catching her in the hip bone.

"Shit!" Hissed the voice on the other side of the door, with a hint of a British accent. Scott. Meg's husband. "I'm sorry. I didn't see you. Are you okay?"

Meredith shook her head quickly, ignoring the stinging against her hipbone. "Don't worry about it. I'm fine."

He stared at her for a long moment. "You sure?"

She nodded. "Yeah...scared me more than anything."

He smiled, one hand draped dramatically over his chest. "Scared you? You scared the hell out of me." He stepped around her. "I was just going to get a drink. Do you want anything?"

"I'm good, thanks," she replied quickly.

He nodded. "Okay."

"Yeah..." She mumbled, suddenly feeling awkward and uncertain.

Scott cocked his head. "So..."

"So." She echoed.

"Are you going out there?"

She released a laughing breath. "I'm thinking about it."

He offered her a warm smile. "We don't bite. We might hit you with a door here and there, but we don't bite."

Meredith laughed.

Scott laughed as well, and with a nod to her, he turned and left her in the back hall.

The door was still open, so Meredith knew she didn't have any time to hesitate any longer.

Time to rip off the band aid.

The door creaked as she swung it all the way open and then creaked again as she pulled it shut behind her. She'd seen the backyard earlier, but still had to admit it was beautiful. The green grass was relatively flat for a hundred feet or so behind the house, before gradually sloping downward and levelling off in time to end abruptly at a line of trees.

The door shut behind her with a click, and she hesitated, her hand still on the knob. No one had seen her yet.

What now?

Jane looked up from the patio table off to the left and smiled. She was sitting with Meg. Nancy and Kathleen were laying on lounge chairs to the right. The men and some of the kids were running around at the far end of the property.

Meredith smiled back and decided that was her best bet. She walked over and sat down, hoping she had not taken someone's seat.

"You're back," Jane greeted. "I hope you found everything you needed."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. Derek took me for a tour of the neighbourhood as well. It's a really nice area."

"And where is Derek?" Meg asked.

"Uh, he's in the driveway with Lauren. We arrived at the same time and..."

"And Derek wasn't too happy to meet Nathan?" Meg finished for her.

She nodded.

Meg sighed. "I told her she should warn him over the phone." She exchanged at look with her mother.

Jane echoed her daughter's sigh. "They'll figure this out. They always do." She turned to Meredith with a smile. "Derek and Lauren have always been close. And Derek has been protective of Lauren since the day she was born."

Meredith nodded, believing. She knew Lauren was the youngest in the Shepherd family. It would be most likely that Derek's protectiveness would have been focused on her.

Meg giggled. "Remember when he stood up to Nancy's friends when they were making fun of her, when she was barely a couple months old?"

Jane laughed and nodded. "I'll never forget it." She turned to Meredith. "It was Nancy's birthday party. Her ninth, I think. Lauren was just a baby and...let's just say it took her about a year to grow into her head. Nancy's friends were making some jokes. Derek was ready to take them all on. I can still picture him, barely three, standing there with his little hands up in fists. He was half their height."

"He would have fought them too, if dad hadn't intervened." Meg added.

Meredith laughed. "Yeah...I can picture him doing that."

Jane looked at her thoughtfully. "I guess you've seen the grown up version."

"Oh, well, Derek's not really... He's never been openly...protective."

"Other than the time he hit Mark?"

"I didn't know you knew about that."

The corners of Jane's lips curled upwards as she met Meredith's eyes.

A wave of realization washed over Meredith and she winced. "_I_ told you." Another surprise from her morphine induced phone call.

Jane nodded.

Meredith groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Is there anything I didn't tell you?"

Jane shrugged. "I'm sure you still have one or two secrets left," she joked, before speaking again. "You didn't say anything bad, Meredith. Nothing too embarrassing."

Meredith slipped her hands down her face and met Jane's eyes again. "If you say so," she said quietly, trying to believe it.

"Derek beat up Mark?" Meg spoke up. "I'd heard that he moved to Seattle, but I hadn't heard that."

"It happened before he moved to Seattle. He showed up in January. And there was no beating. Derek hit him once. And then Mark left."

"Maybe if he had hit him more than once Mark would have taken the hint and stayed away."

"Meg..." Jane said lightly.

"What? He deserves it. I would have hit him too, after what he did to Derek."

Jane sighed. "I understand that, but he's still...Mark. He's family."

"He _was_ family," Meg said angrily. "But he's not anymore. He chose to stop being family when he chose to forget Derek was his family."

Jane remained silent, but it was clear she was still upset.

Meg turned back to Meredith. "How bad is it having Mark out there? I wanted to ask Derek yesterday, but he was depressed enough already..."

Meredith felt a stab of guilt at the mention of how upset Derek had been before she had gotten there. She swallowed, willing the feeling away, because everything was okay. She and Derek had talked, and he was still looking at her like he had before.

"Uh, it was bad at first. Derek was really unhappy. But now...things aren't as bad. They're not exactly friends, but...friend_ly_, I guess. You should ask him about it."

Meg met her eyes for a long moment, before nodding and changing the topic of conversation.

It was ten minutes later that Meredith realized where she was; realized what was happening.

She was in New York, at her fiancé's mother's house, sitting with his mother and his sister, and all the while Derek was MIA.

And she was fine.

There was no anxiety. No stress. No worrying about saying the right thing.

She was fine. Comfortable. It was enjoyable, even.

Jane and Meg were really nice. Derek's other sisters, and their families, seemed genuinely nice.

Meredith smiled softly to herself. She was doing the family thing.

ooo

It was close to an hour after he had been left alone in the driveway with his sister that Derek made his way through his mother's house, looking for Meredith. He hadn't meant to leave her alone for so long; he had just been so shocked to have his sister show up with a man in her life that he had been distracted. He had lost track of time.

And now he had left her alone for nearly an hour.

He had taken in the shopping bags from the car, and had run them up to his room, half expecting to find Meredith hiding out, but she hadn't been there. Which meant she had been brave enough to join his family, and he had abandoned her for almost an hour.

The kitchen and living room were empty, which meant his family was outside, taking advantage of the good weather. Lauren had headed through the living room after their talk, instead of upstairs, so he assumed she was out back as well. With Nathan.

He still wasn't sure how he felt about that.

The back door was ajar, letting in a stream of conversation and laughter from outside. Derek padded closer to the door, but stopped abruptly as he recognized the unmistakable sound of Meredith's laughter joining the fray.

She was out there with his family. And she was laughing.

He smiled to himself and leaned his forehead against the wall beside the door, thanking whoever was listening that she was there with him. That they were there together. She had been so broken. And he had been prepared to give her the two weeks. He had been prepared to give her time and space to heal.

But she had surprised him.

And maybe it was a surprise to them both that they both needed to heal; that they needed _each other_ in order to heal.

He could still picture the look on her face the night before when their eyes had met. The uncertainty mixed with the hope. And the feeling of finally having her back in his arms...

With a deep breath, he lifted his forehead from the wall and stepped outside.

Meredith was seated at the patio table to the left. Along with his mother and all four of his sisters. His smile grew at the sight. The love of his life and his family. Together.

Stepping forward, he pulled an extra chair up to the table beside Meredith. She offered him a smile, and he couldn't help but press a kiss to her cheek and snake an arm around her waist.

"What's everyone laughing about?"

Meredith giggled and leaned into him. "They're telling me stories."

He raised an eyebrow. "Stories?"

She nodded. "About you."

He growled in the back of his throat. "What kind of stories?"

"The embarrassing kind," Meg said.

"What have I ever done to you?" He countered.

"Its payback," Meredith spoke up.

"For what?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "For making me call your mother while I was on morphine."

"I didn't make you do anything."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't have left me alone with your phone."

"Are you ever going to get over that?"

She shook her head.

He sighed, suppressing a laugh. She was nothing if she wasn't stubborn. "Fine. What have they already told you?"

"That's for us to know, and for you to find out," Nancy spoke up.

Kathleen nodded her agreement. "We were just telling her about that month when you were twelve and refused to take off that stupid superman cape."

He rolled his eyes. "I was six."

Meredith laughed. "Are there pictures?"

"No," he said quickly, as his sisters echoed him with a 'yes.'

It was going to be a long couple of days.

But Meredith was laughing.

And that meant he wouldn't have things any other way.

_**AN: Shorter than usual, I know, but still over 2500 words. Sorry about the delays; my computer problems seem to be multiplying. I've managed to fix a couple issues, and it seems to be a good, but temporary, fix. Waiting for the tax return so that I can get a new one. **_

_**I tried to introduce the Shepherd family slowly so readers could get a grasp on who was who. Are they easy enough to keep straight? If not, I can post a 'cheat sheet' in the beginning of the next chapter.**_

_**Thanks, as always, for reading. The next chapter is underway.**_


	88. Chapter 88

The moment the bedroom door was shut behind them, Derek stepped up behind Meredith and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist. He pressed his nose into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply. "I love you."

She relaxed at his touch and leaned back against him. Her fingers closed around his forearms. "Mmm, you too."

He pressed one, two, three kisses to the soft skin at the crook of her neck and shifted to rest his chin there, rubbing his cheek against hers.

She pressed her cheek against his. "You're awfully clingy all of a sudden."

"I'm happy."

"Me too."

"I'm really, really happy," he added. "You're here. Things seem to be going well." Although the conversation that afternoon had centered mainly around him and his embarrassing moments growing up, he had enjoyed himself. Because _she_ had enjoyed herself. She had been bright and happy the whole time. Dinner had been casual. A barbeque. Outside. He had watched her interact with the kids. She had been hesitant at first, but had been great with them. A natural. And even though he knew it was a long time away, he couldn't help but picture her with their kids. It made his chest ache because it was the last piece of the puzzle. Then he would have everything he could possibly want.

"Things are going well," she agreed. "Better than I expected." She paused, clutching at his arms a little tighter. "They're really nice. And they...they really seem to want to like me."

"They _do_ like you," he assured. "I'm sorry I left you alone today."

"It's okay."

"I never meant for it to be so long."

Meredith turned in his arms, snaking her arms around his neck. "Really, Derek, it's okay. I think maybe it was good, actually. It forced me to...take the jump, or whatever."

He raised an eyebrow. "Jumping without me now?"

"I think sometimes I have to jump by myself." Her eyes welled, but she smiled. "Just not the big jumps. Those I save for you."

He kissed her. "Good."

She leaned back in his arms. "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Your sister and Nathan... I don't want to push, but I feel like everyone else knows something I don't..."

He sighed and kissed her again, before releasing her and moving to sit on the bed, leaning up against the headboard. Without him having to say anything, she followed, curling up against him in a position that mirrored that of their talk the night before.

"Lauren's been a single mom for a long time. Emily's father..." He shook his head. "Lauren met him in her last year of college. They moved in together. He was...harsh. We didn't like him, but she loved him. She stopped coming to family events because he didn't want her to. He made her drop out of medical school, but we didn't know until she found out she was pregnant. Then she came home one day and he was gone. She was devastated. Didn't want anyone to know." He shook his head as he recalled finding his sister that day, almost ten years ago. After she hadn't made it to the umpteenth family gathering in a row, and wasn't answering his calls, he had gone looking for her.

She had answered the door pale and dishevelled, and he had had to push her to tell him what was wrong. She had sobbed in his arms as she told him she was pregnant and alone. That she hadn't been in school for months. He had helped her pack up her things, and he had taken her home. She had stayed with him and Addison for months.

"She stayed with us for a few months. And then he came back and asked her to take him back. Said he had made a mistake. She was about seven months pregnant, and didn't want to raise a baby alone. She took him back, despite how much we pushed her not to. She moved back in with him, had Emily. Things seemed to be okay. And then when Emily was almost a year old, she showed up on my doorstep." He paused as his jaw clenched in anger. "He'd been hurting her for months, years probably. And when he turned his anger towards Emily, she snapped and finally left him for good."

"That's horrible."

"Yeah... I wanted to kill him. Mark and I, and Shane, paid him a visit. Threatened him." He shrugged. "We never saw him again."

"That's very big brother-y of you."

He smiled, but sobered quickly. "She's my little sister. The fact that some man thought he could get away with hurting her... It's not right. I hate that she stayed for as long as she did. She should have been out of there the first time he hit her. She should have known, from the beginning, that she had people to go to. I don't know why she didn't."

Meredith squeezed his hand. "Maybe she didn't think it was a problem. It was probably a one time thing that became a two time thing that kept happening. It's usually a gradual thing. And if she loved him, she probably thought he didn't really mean it; that he would change."

Derek shook his head. "We failed her, in letting her put up with it for so long. We should have noticed sooner. We should have made sure she knew she had a place to go."

Meredith lifted her head from his shoulder to meet his eyes. "She knew because she went to you. It had to be her choice." She offered him a small smile, but ended it by biting down on her lower lip, a sure sign that she had more to say, but was hesitant about telling him.

"What?"

"You shouldn't blame yourself. You're too close to it. She probably knew she had people to go to if something was wrong, but didn't really think anything was wrong. Sometimes it takes something bigger to realize there's a problem." Although her eyes continued to meet his, they flickered. And she bit down on her lower lip again.

The breath was sucked out of him as he realized what she wasn't saying. "Meredith..."

She shook her head quickly. "It's not what you think. It wasn't...like what your sister went through or anything."

"What happened?" He asked softly, running his hand up and down her spine.

"It was in college. I was sort of seeing this guy. We had friends in common. He'd get...rough, especially when he was drinking. He never...beat me, or anything. He'd just get mad and...grab my arm, or push me. He only actually hit me a few times."

Derek seethed. "I'll kill him. Give me his name."

She shook her head and leaned in to kiss him. "That's not important. The point is, it wasn't until he left a bruise on my cheek bone that I realized what was happening. Yes, I should have stayed away from him after the first time he grabbed my arm, but it wasn't until I was looking myself in the mirror, trying to cover the bruise with makeup, that I realized I was better than that."

He pulled her against his chest and hugged her tight. "You are far better than that. And I love you. Which is why I want to kill him."

She pulled back far enough to meet his eyes again. "That's very chivalrous of you. But the point I'm trying to make is that I get it. You think you're not going to be 'that girl,' but things happen. And sometimes it takes a while to realize. And when your sister realized, she went to you."

"I guess."

"Are you worried about Nathan?"

"She's dated a couple times. But never anything serious. I don't want her to get hurt again. The fact that she felt the need to keep it from me worries me." Lauren had been adamant during their conversation in the driveway that Nathan was a good guy, that she loved him and that it was different this time. She promised Derek that she would never let herself fall into the same situation she had been in. She had also made Derek promise to give Nathan a chance, to withhold judgment until he had gotten to know him. Derek had spent the rest of the afternoon casually ignoring the other man, all the while actively watching him out of the corner of his eye.

She nodded. "He seems like a good guy. He was good with Emily."

"He does seem okay. But would she come to me if something went wrong again?"

"She would," Meredith assured. "She'd recognize the signs immediately if they happened again. I know I would."

Derek trailed his fingers across her cheekbone, and then down the length of her hair. "I'd never hurt you." He knew she knew it, but felt the sudden need to tell her. She was sitting in his arms, being open and trusting with him, and he wanted to tell her. It was such an impossible thought; that anyone would ever hurt her, that anyone would ever take their anger out on their partner in a physical manner.

She cupped his face with her hands and smiled. "Trust me, Derek, I know that. There isn't a doubt in my mind about that."

He smiled. "I love you, Meredith, so much."

Meredith sighed and closed the distance between them, laying her head against his shoulder and tucking her face into the crook of his neck. "I love you too. So much."

He ran his hand up and down her spine for several minutes, enjoying the silence of simply being near her.

"This is nice," Meredith eventually whispered against his skin.

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed.

"The whole thing, I mean," she added.

"What whole thing?"

"_This._ Being here with you. It's...easier than I thought."

"I told you."

"I know you did. But I'd never done this before, or anything remotely close to this. They're really nice. And this is all so...normal. It's nice. I've never had normal before."

"That's because you're so not normal."

She giggled. "Like you're one to talk."

"How am I not normal?"

She lifted her head to meet his eyes. Hers were sparkling. "How many other neurosurgeons do you know that own a trailer? Or that live with three interns?"

"Residents," he corrected.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "For like a day."

"Still."

"You're an idiot. And you're not normal."

"So I'm an abnormal idiot?"

She giggled again. "Yup."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I feel like we've gotten a little of topic... We were talking about you and how not normal you were."

"I'm not," she agreed easily. "But _this_ is. You meet someone, you fall in love, and you have to meet their family. It's...normal. The last year, the good stuff at least, has been amazing, but I've always felt like we were doing things...not normal. This feels normal. And that's kind of awesome."

Derek felt his brow furrow, trying to make sense of what she was telling him. "We haven't done anything the wrong way."

"I know. Just...different."

"Different than what?"

"Normal."

He chuckled. "You've lost me."

She smiled and leaned in to peck his lips. "I just like feeling normal for a change."

"Even though you're here with an abnormal idiot neurosurgeon who owns a trailer and lives with three residents?"

She laughed and nodded. "Even so. Though, I've been thinking about the living with three residents part."

"What do you mean?"

"Well...we agreed to wait until I was done my internship until we talked about...things. And, well, internship officially over." She waved a hand for emphasis.

"So, you want to talk about _things_."

She nodded. "You've been very patient to put up with them for so long. And I love them, they're my family, but I...I think it's time to...move on."

"And by move on you mean?"

"Move out."

He smiled. "You want us to move out?"

"I do." She returned his smile. "I think it's time. The house is...great, but I want to start fresh. Somewhere that's memory free. So, we can buy a house or rent an apartment or...build a house on your land. Whatever. I'm game."

Derek felt his heart swell at her words. She was so sure, so confident. It was something he hadn't seen in her very often; the complete certainty. Going to New York without her had nearly broken his heart, but as he met her bright eyes now, he knew everything that had happened between them had been for the best. Because it had led to this. They had been tested; had been strained. And they had come out the other side all the better for it.

"Building a house will take a long time," he said, thinking out loud. "Plus, it'll be easier to live in town for the next few years."

"Then we can start looking for a place when we get back to Seattle."

"If you're really serious about this whole 'normal' thing, we can find a house with a white picket fence."

She swiped a hand at his chest. "Don't make fun of me. I think a white picket fence is a little too normal for us."

"Agreed," he said, through his laughter, though he couldn't make himself care that much about the details. He hadn't minded all that much living with George, Izzy or Alex. It had been unique to have roommates, and being interns, they hadn't been around all that much. But the thought of having a place that he shared just with Meredith put a smile on his face. A place all their own. A place where they could build a home. "Are you going to keep the house?"

Meredith shrugged. "For now, I guess. I can't very well sell it with Alex and Izzy living in it. I can just keep renting it to them. Hell, maybe one of them will buy it in a few years..."

"Or it can just be the designated intern frat house forever."

She laughed. "I think my mother would like that; have surgeons living in her house forever."

He smiled. "Then we have a plan."

Meredith smiled back, threading her fingers through his as she tucked her face into the crook of his neck again. "A plan," she mumbled into his neck.

She relaxed in his arms, and he held her even tighter. They fell silent, and he began to think she was asleep, but she surprised him by speaking again.

"I want to get married," she murmured against him.

His fingers found the ring on her left hand. "Then it's a good thing we're engaged..."

She giggled as she lifted her head. Her eyes were sparkling, even as she glared at him.

He smirked and ducked his head to kiss her. "I want to get married too."

"Soon," she clarified. "I...I want to get married soon." She reached up a hand to run through his hair. "I love you, and I want to be your wife, Derek. I don't want to wait."

He kissed her again, before whispering, "I can't wait for you to be my wife."

"Let's just go to city hall when we get home."

It was his turn to run a hand through her hair. "I thought you wanted something...more? Something with pictures."

She met his eyes and nodded slowly. "Okay, then lets just do something quick and small. I just...don't want to wait."

"Me neither. I want to marry you yesterday."


	89. Chapter 89

It was early when Derek was awoken by the sound of tiny fists knocking on the bedroom door. He blinked sleepily and lifted his head. The noise stopped. He sighed and laid his head back down on the pillow. Meredith was lying beside him, fast asleep. And he couldn't resist rolling close and spooning into her.

She moaned softly as he pressed his knees against the backs of hers, and then fell silent again. He smiled to himself before pressing his face into the back of her head and closing his eyes.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

He groaned, but kept his eyes shut. Maybe if he ignored them, they'd go away.

Knock. Knock. Followed by a series of whispers he could hear but couldn't make out.

In front of him, Meredith shifted. He could feel her breathing getting lighter as she too began to wake up.

The knocking seemed to have stopped. Derek pressed himself even closer to his fiancée and rubbed her abdomen with his hand, hoping to lull her back to sleep before she fully woke up. She made a noise that was a cross between a moan and a sigh, and her breathing began to deepen again.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

She tensed in his arms, now awake. "Whas go'n on?" She mumbled sleepily.

Derek pressed his lips to the back of her neck. "It's one of the kids."

"Kids?" She whispered, her voice thick with sleep.

He smiled at her confusion. Unless she awoke to a pager, she was slow to wake. And slow to become aware of her surroundings. She probably hadn't yet realized they weren't at home in their own bed. "Kids," he confirmed. "One of the fourteen nieces and nephews you were complaining about not being able to keep straight. Remember?"

She rolled towards him so she rested on her back. He shifted to give her room, but kept his arm around her. She blinked sleepily at him. "Aren't you going to go see what they want?"

He smirked and leaned in close to kiss her. "I'm kind of hoping they lose interest. I'm comfortable where I am."

Knock. Knock.

Meredith smiled softly at him. "I don't think they're losing interest."

He kissed her shoulder through the thin tee shirt she was wearing, and then laid his head down. "I'm comfortable," he repeated. "Why don't you go see what they want?"

She giggled. "Because they're _your_ nieces and nephews."

He grumbled, but acquiesced and rolled away from her and stood. But before he headed for the door, he bent down and hovered a few inches over her. "They're going to be _your_ nieces and nephews soon, too," he whispered, before closing the gap and kissing her.

She stared up at him, silent, as she processed his words. He smirked and kissed her again, before pulling himself away and heading for the door.

The sight that awaited him when he pulled open the door was of no big surprise to him. Katie and Claire stood in the hallway, smiling up at him. They were both dressed in pajamas, and Claire had a stuffed dog under her arm. "Girls, what are you doing up? It's early."

"But it's cartoon time!" Katie exclaimed.

"Yeah, Uncle Derek, you said you'd watch with us," Claire added.

He raised an eyebrow. "Cartoons, huh? See, I don't seem to recall saying I'd watch any cartoons."

Both girls nodded profusely.

"Uh-huh, Uncle Derek," Claire said. "Yesterday morning."

He pursed his lips. "I remember saying I'd think about it."

"But you never said no," Katie pointed out. "And we really, really, _really _want to watch cartoons with you. Please, Uncle Derek?"

They both stared up at him with pleading eyes.

He sighed, admitting defeat. It didn't matter how early it was; he couldn't say know to his nieces. "Okay, but you'll have to convince Aunt Meredith too." He stepped aside and smirked as the two girls hurried into the room, and he watched, amused, as the girls pulled Meredith out of bed.

She glared at him as she was led to the door. He chuckled and followed Katie, Claire and Meredith down to the living room.

The girls splayed themselves out on the floor with the remote, and Meredith curled herself into the large, stuffed chair to the left of the television.

Derek smirked as he stared down at her. "Are you really going to sit here all alone when you could sit with me on the couch?"

She nodded. "I'm not the one who promised to watch cartoons this morning."

He chuckled. "I never made any promises."

"Then why are we up?"

"Because I can't say no to them."

This brought a small smile to her face, and he took that as a good sign.

"I love you."

This caused her smile to grow.

He smirked and wedged himself into the space between Meredith's slim body and the side of the chair. "If you won't sit with me on the couch, I'll just have to sit here with you."

She sighed and tucked herself up against him. "I love you too," she murmured.

Derek smiled. "Good; because there's no one else I'd rather get up with this early to watch cartoons."

Meredith giggled. "I don't think I've ever watched cartoons, so I don't have much to compare it with."

"Well, there's a first time for everything."

She relaxed against him, and before the first cartoon was over, she was asleep.

Derek rested his chin on her head and ran his hand along her spine as he watched, with feigned interest, the two dimensional characters on the television. If he couldn't say no to his nieces, he knew he wouldn't stand a chance against kids of his own one day.

He smiled at the sight of Katie and Claire, huddled together as they watched and giggled at the cartoons, and wondered what it would feel like one day when it was his kids; _their_ kids.

It was something to look forward to.

OO

At some point during the cartoon marathon, Derek had fallen asleep as well. He had dreamt getting up early on a Saturday morning to watch cartoon with his wife and kids. He dreamt of a boy with dark curly hair and a girl with light wavy hair and a baby who combined them both. He dreamt of his future; of his family.

When he awoke, however, he found himself alone.

The television was still on, but the girls were gone from the floor, and Meredith was gone from his arms.

With a sigh, he stood up and stretched. There was light coming through the windows across the room. Lots of light. Hours had passed.

Voices filtered to him from the kitchen, so he headed that way.

The sight that awaited him on the other side of the kitchen door surprised him, but in a good way; in a way that made his heart soar and his lips curl up into a smile. Meredith was sitting at the table with his mom, Brian and two of his sisters. She was nursing a cup of coffee and there was a half eaten bagel on a small plate in front of her. Clearly she'd been here for some time.

And clearly she was comfortable where she was. Her lips were curled into a gentle smile and her eyes were calm. She was happy.

"Morning," Derek called as he made his way towards to table and took them empty seat next to Meredith. "Morning, again," he murmured, kissing her cheek.

"Meredith tells me you got suckered into watching cartoons this morning. Again."

Derek made a face. "Apparently the fact that I didn't say yes yesterday doesn't matter. It's the fact that I didn't actually say the word no."

Meg laughed. "You're worse than Scott."

"Hey, I don't get to see them very often."

Kathleen shook her head. "You've always been a pushover. What are you going to do if you have kids?"  
Derek shrugged. "Watch a lot of cartoons."

Beside him, Meredith laughed.

He laughed as well, knowing he didn't stand a chance; especially if their kids looked anything like Meredith.

His mother smiled at his comment, but there was something else in her gaze as she met Derek's eyes. He furrowed his brow, but she shook her head, telling him she'd explain later.

And she did. It was several hours later that he found her alone in the backyard, sitting at the table and reading a book. Meredith was upstairs having a shower. Most of the family was scattered across the backyard playing.

"So," he stated as he sat across the table from his mother.

Jane put down her book and smiled warmly at him. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

He nodded. It was bright and sunny, and while it was warm, it wasn't overly humid. "It is. Very nice. I'm not used to seeing the sun so often anymore. It rains most days in Seattle."

"So, I've heard. Something you have to put up with, I guess."

"Yep."

She stared at him for a long moment. "I'm glad you moved, Derek."

"You are?"

"Yes. You're a different person now. You're happy. You weren't happy before."

"I wasn't _un_happy."

"Yes, you were. I didn't want to see it, but you were. It's like I said before, we let you do too much for us. We let you sacrifice yourself for us."

"Mom-"

"I'm talking, Derek."

"But this isn't necessary."

"You're right," she said, agreeing with him. "Because you're happy now."

"I am."

Jane nodded. "She's good for you."

Derek smiled. "She is."

"And you're going to marry her."

"I am."

"And you've obviously talked about kids."

"We have."

"It's amazing, you know? The difference a year can make."

He nodded. "It is."

"I was...concerned. At first. When I heard you were dating an intern. Then you called to explain, and I realized you were my perfect son, and I trusted your judgement. I trusted that you knew what you were doing. I trusted that you weren't just...preying on some young member of your staff who may or may not be looking to get ahead."

"Mom-"

"Sorry. I don't know how else to put it."

"Is that what everyone thought?"

"We didn't know what to think, Derek. But I can assure you that no one thinks that anymore."

"Good."

"It was the phone call that truly convinced me."

"At Christmas?"

Jane smiled and shook her head. "No. The other one."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "The morphine induced call she still blames me for?"

"That one. Derek, that girl was completely uninhibited. And she told me several times just how much she loved you."

"I love her too, Ma."

"I know you do. And I'm so happy that you've met your other half."

"You think she's my other half?" He asked, amused.

"I don't think it. I'm sure of it. You don't ever let her go, Derek. You need her."

He nodded.

Jane cocked her head. "Do you have an estimate of how soon I might be getting another grandkid?"

Derek laughed and shook his head. "No estimate. We're not...on a timeline. She only just finished her internship. We want to find someplace more permanent to live. We still have to get married. We're not in a rush."

"But you are planning on having kids?"

"Yes."

"More than one?"

He rolled his eyes at his mother's nosiness, but nodded. "Two. At least. Mer was an only child. She was lonely, and she doesn't want our kids to be lonely."

"I really like her."

"Me too."

Jane laughed. "Clearly. I just meant that I like her; as a person and not just because she makes you happy. She seems...genuine."

"She is. She's...amazing. Even after all the crap she's been through, she's still the most compassionate person I've ever met."

"She does seem kind of amazing; so I forgive you."

"Forgive me for what?"

Jane smirked. "For asking a girl to marry you before I've even met her."

He rolled his eyes again. "Not your choice, Ma."

"So, you're saying you'd still marry her if I didn't like her."

Derek sighed, and stayed silent.

Jane smiled and nodded, understanding his answer. "Good."

"Good?"

She nodded again. "Yes."

It was that moment that Derek realized his relationship with his mother hand changed. He no longer needed to be the strong, perfect son. He no longer needed to worry about his mom and his sisters. He could focus on his own life and trust his family to be okay on their own. The guilt he had felt in the last year washed away. And he smiled. "Well, for what it's worth, I'm glad you like her. I'd marry her anyway, but I'd rather you like her."

As if she knew they were talking about her, Meredith stepped out of the house. She was dressed in jeans and a dark green top they had bought the day before. Her hair was damp and pulled back. She had added just a touch of makeup, and he smiled as he realized the dark circles under her eyes were gone. She had caught up on her sleep and she wasn't stressed and emotionally drained anymore.

She was happy.

"Hey," she called softly as she joined them at the table.

"Hey," he echoed, resting his hand on her knee.

"We were just talking about you, Meredith," Jane stated.

Meredith tensed slightly, and glanced uncertainly at Derek before meeting Jane's gaze.

"I was just asking Derek how soon the two of you were planning on getting married?"

Derek resisted the urge to roll his eyes for a third time. Yes, the conversation may have been heading in that direction, but she had never asked him.

"Oh, I, uh," Meredith stammered.

Derek moved lifted his hand off her knee and snaked it around her waist. He was about to step in, but Meredith recovered and surprised him. Though, in retrospect, she shouldn't have surprised him that much. She had settled in with his family faster than even he had expected. And his mother had already asked her once about the wedding, even if it was brief.

"We haven't had a chance to...set a date or anything, but soon. We...soon."

"Soon is good. Have you any idea what type of venue?"

"Something small. We don't want anything big, or whatever, right?" She turned to him.

Derek nodded. "Right. Something between going to city hall and having a big ceremony. Except closer to city hall."

"Small will help with the soon. That way you can move on to the next steps sooner."

This time Derek couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes. And yet, at the same time, it felt nice. His mother hadn't put pressure on him to have kids in a decade. The fact that she was doing so now meant she truly understood Meredith's importance in his life and accepted that she was a permanent addition.

It was nice. He felt lighter than he had before. He had always loved his family, but with that love had come tension. He had always felt the need to minimize himself. But now he felt like he could be open. Meredith had taught him to be himself. She had taught him he didn't have to be perfect. She had taught him he was allowed to be weak; to accept, and even seek, support.

Derek didn't think he'd ever been quite as happy as he was in this moment. The love of his life and his family were together in one spot. She was clearly comfortable here. She was wearing his ring, and was discussing the future with his mother.

Meredith had told him before that she wanted to be comfortable with his family so that she they could visit often. And he smiled as he realized that was going to happen. There would clearly be regular trips to New York in their future. He imagined them in five years. Ten. Twenty. Bringing their kids for family get-togethers and holidays.

It was a nice thought.

And one day it would be reality.


	90. Chapter 90

_**AN: Sorry about the delay in updating. If you're reading RTR, you're aware of my recent computer...issues. If you're not reading RTR, let me tell you now: I've had computer problems. LOL. Big computer problems that I'm sure approached epic at some points. I haven't been able to do much writing lately. But the good news is I have my shiny new computer and am getting back on track with my writing. I just want to address one review here, as I'm sure other readers have the same concerns.**_

_**May, I really want to thank you for your comments, and to say I completely agree. Keeping Meredith and Derek away from the hospital for so long is boring. I'm just tying up a few loose character development threads now for Derek, and want very much to get them back to Seattle as soon as possible. I think it's made worse by the computer induced writing delays the last couple months; if I could have gotten this section done quickly like I had planned it wouldn't feel so out of place. They are almost done in New York, though; this is the last chapter for that. There will be little time spent on their vacation, but some very **_important_** things have to happen. And then they'll be back to Seattle Grace in time for season four. (And I'll have to figure out some way of making the timeline make some kind of sense... Seriously.).**_

_**I really want to thank everyone who has stuck with this story for this long. My plan is the have season four completely done by the time season seven starts (and RTR and OIF and 'significant progress' on HWA). Now that I have my new computer, nothing can stop me, except, you know, work. Life. Sleeping...**_

Meredith felt her heart leap as the phone she had pressed to her ear stopped ringing after only three rings. She knew from experience it took six rings to get to voicemail. She had reached the voicemail more times than she could count.

"Hello?" Izzy's voice filtered through the phone.

"Finally! I've been calling you for days."

"Meredith! Hey! How's New York?"

Meredith sputtered slightly. "Do you not realize I've been leaving you messages for three days?"

"I tried to call you back."

"Once." Meredith had been trying to get a hold of Izzy and Cristina since the lay over between her second and third flight between Hawaii and New York. She was worried about her best friend. That morning, she had discovered a missed call from Izzy, but no message, on her cell phone.

"I'm on vacation; what do you expect?"

Meredith sighed. "Is she okay?"

"Cristina? She's fine."

"Really?" Meredith knew she had made the right decision to join Derek in New York, but she still felt guilty for abandoning her best friend. "Is she there? Can I talk to her?"

"She's out on the beach," Izzy responded. "I just came up because I forgot my sunglasses."

"Is she...mad at me?"

Izzy sighed, and there was a long delay before she responded, "No."

"Okay, I so don't believe you."

"She's not mad. At you. She's mad at Burke. And I...I mean, I'm her friend, but it's clear she'd rather you be here than me. But she gets it. And we can do...single stuff; that you wouldn't be interested in doing and wouldn't be fun with you moping around because you miss McDreamy."

Meredith sighed. "She told you to tell me that."

Izzy laughed. "Some of it. You're where you need to be right now. And we're where we need to be right now. Cristina is doing fine. She's pissed at Burke. And she's pissed at herself for letting it get to that. But she's not pissed at you."

"And she's okay?"

"She's okay. I promise. We're having a good time, actually. Lots of fruity drinks and cute boys to keep us amused."

Meredith sighed and lay back on the bed. The day was getting cooler, and the Shepherds were planning an outdoor barbeque for dinner. Meredith had headed upstairs to get a sweater for the evening when she had decided to try Izzy one more time. "Good."

"So, how's New York?"

"New York is...good."

"How happy was Derek to see you?"

"He was...happy." Meredith smiled at the memory. "Really happy. I was afraid he'd be mad, but he wasn't." She had never expected a negative reaction to her appearance, but maybe the cold shoulder for a day. Despite knowing just how good a man Derek was, she had still be surprised by the level of understanding she had received. He had been ecstatic to see her. They had talked through everything that had happened. He had admitted she had hurt him, but hadn't held a single thing against him.

"And how are you doing with his family?"

"Surprisingly well. It's...not what I expected. They're really nice. And I...I think they like me. They definitely don't hate me."

"Why would they hate you?"

"Because...families don't like me."

Izzy huffed. "Give yourself more credit."

Meredith smiled to herself. "I think I'm starting to." It hadn't even been forty-eight hours that she had been at the Shepherd's house, but she felt surprisingly at home. Derek's family was kind of wonderful. She had been scared the day before, when she had left Derek in the driveway and had gone to the backyard to his family without him, but the fear had quickly become simple nervousness. And the nervousness had quickly dissipated. The Shepherd's were nice. Friendly. Genuine. They didn't make Meredith feel like she wasn't good enough. They didn't make her feel judged. They simply wanted to know things about her because...

Meredith smiled at the realization. They wanted to know things because Derek loved her; because she was going to be family one day. Soon.

"Good," Izzy's response pulled her from her thoughts. "You deserve to be happy, Mer."

"We all do."

"We will be," Izzy said, with a surprising amount of optimism. "Cristina's okay. I'm okay. We're all going to be happy, Meredith. Hell, if you can be happy in the middle of a huge family, anything is possible."

Meredith furrowed her brow. "I think I take offense to that."

Izzy laughed. "Don't. I'm glad you're happy, Mer."

She smiled. "Thanks."

"I should get back to Cristina."

"Okay. But tell her...I say hi."

"I will."

Meredith ended the call and dropped her phone onto the mattress next to her. She was glad Cristina was okay. And she was glad her friends were having a good time. But she didn't regret leaving them there for a moment. She knew she was exactly where she belonged right now.

After a moment of quiet, Meredith sat up and tossed her cell phone onto the nightstand. She didn't need to have it with her anymore. Cristina and Izzy were okay. And Meredith was on vacation.

Digging through one of her shopping bags from the day before, Meredith pulled out a front-zip sweatshirt. She tore the tags off and then pulled the sweatshirt over her tee shirt.

The hallway outside the bedroom was quiet as she made her way down the stairs. Two of the older kids, around eleven or twelve, smiled at her as she passed them in the living room. They were sprawled on the couch watching a movie. Meredith smiled back. It was a nice, simple interaction; one that told her she was accepted in the household.

She pushed her way into the kitchen, only to find it almost empty.

"Oh, Meredith, good," Lauren called from the counter across the room. "Can you help me bring some of this stuff outside?" There were stacks of paper plates and cup, bags of plastic cutlery and a large tray of condiments.

"Sure," she said, walking over and reaching for the tray.

"Thanks. Some family, huh? There's work to be done and they all disappear. But when the food is ready, they'll be back."

Meredith laughed as she followed Lauren to the backyard.

"Is your family like this?"

"Oh," she stammered, caught off guard. "No. I mean, I don't really have a family. Never did the barbeque thing, or whatever."

Instead of pity, Lauren shot her a humorous glance. "Ah, that explains why you didn't know enough to disappear when there was work to be done."

Meredith smiled back. "I guess I learned my lesson."

They reached the back deck and Lauren motioned towards the picnic tables. "Just scatter the condiments around the tables."

"Okay."

"And Meredith?"

She paused and glanced back over her shoulder.

Lauren offered her a warm smile. "You were wrong, about not having a family."

Meredith sucked in a breath at the comment, but Lauren moved on before she had a chance to respond. "A family," she murmured under her breath as she continued towards the first picnic table.

She was at the fifth picnic table when a pair of arms snaked around her waist from behind. Meredith jumped in surprise, but relaxed as she was pulled back against a solid chest.

"You scared the crap out of me," she chastised.

Derek chuckled as his chin found her shoulder. "Sorry."

"You're so not sorry."

"Hmmm, I suppose you're right. I like the sweater, by the way. Are you wearing _anything else_ from our shopping trip yesterday?"

"I don't know what you're referring to..." She said, playing dumb, even though she knew his mind was on the more _private_ items from the shopping trip.

He huffed. "I think you do."

She giggled. "I told you; not here."

"What if I say please?"

Meredith set the tray down and turned in his arms, her hands snaking around the back of her neck. "No."

He smirked at her and raised an eyebrow.

She bit back her own smirk as she repeated, "No. We can't risk getting carried away. I need to be able to come back here."

Derek pretended to think about her words, and then leaned in to peck her lips. "Coming back here is good."

"It is." She nodded and offered him a small smile. "I...kind of like it here."

He smiled warmly at her. "I like you being here, not that I'm not looking forward to spending an entire week alone with you..."

Meredith bit down on her lower lip as she tried to quell the sudden flutter of butterflies in her stomach. Now that the stress of meeting Derek's family was over, she could just focus on looking forward to their trip. The closest she and Derek had ever been to being on vacation was spending time at the trailer. The whole getting on a plane and actually going away thing was new and exciting.

"Mmm, me too," she whispered.

Derek smiled tenderly and leaned in to kiss her, short and soft, before pressing his nose into the crook of her neck and hugging her tight. "I'm so glad you're here."

She hugged him back. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

OO

Derek smiled against the soft skin of her neck and inhaled deeply. He had been playing with the kids when he had spotted his fiancée navigating the picnic tables with a tray of condiments, having obviously been put to work by one of his sisters. She appeared at ease and comfortable in the backyard surroundings. It made him smile. Just two days had passed and already it was like she was part of the family.

"Good," he murmured.

She smiled at him, and he felt his heart flutter. "We have to add barbeque to the list," she said.

He felt his brow furrow. "What?"

"Our list."

He reached a hand to tuck a few stray strands of hair from her face. "You've never been to a barbeque before?"

She shrugged, her smile softening, not in a way that said she was feeling sorry for herself, but in a way that said she had accepted her past and was looking forward to her future. "Not really. Not like this. The whole family thing." She shook her head. "So, I'm putting it on the list."

"One of those things that get put on the list and immediately checked off?"

"Yep."

"Hmm, it seems our list is getting longer, but the 'to do' items are only getting shorter."

"I guess we need some new ideas."

He pecked her lips. "You know what I think we should put on the list?"

She shook her head.

Derek smiled warmly at her. "Getting married."

He watched as Meredith's eyes sparkled. "That should be high on the list."

Derek raised an eyebrow. "Not first?"

"Well, the way I see it, tomorrow is our last day here before we fly to the Bahamas. And seeing as the whole tropical vacation thing is on our list, unless we get married tomorrow, it can't be first."

"You over think things."

She giggled.

He joined her in laughing. "So, we can put getting married high on the list, but not first. Second?"

Meredith shrugged. "Maybe third. Assuming you still want to swim with the fishes..."

"You mean go snorkelling?"

She nodded.

"I do. But only if you're up for it."

"We did the swimming thing," she reminded, "So that we could do the snorkelling thing."

"We only did the swimming thing twice. Are you sure you're ready?"

Meredith smiled up at him. "As long as you're there with me, I'm ready."

He smiled back at her, his heart fluttering at the trust he saw in her eyes. "I'll be there the whole time."

"Then I'm ready."

Derek couldn't help but lean in to kiss her again. "Did you try swimming at all in Hawaii?"

Her hands tightened across the back of his neck as she pulled herself closer for comfort. "I...not swimming. I did stand in the water while Izzy and Cristina swam."

"How deep?"

"Just to my knees. I...didn't want to go any further without you. It was...intimidating. Different from your pond. And different without you there."

The simple statement reached into his chest and clenched around his heart. "Oh, Mer..." He pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. "We'll go in together. I promise."

She hummed softly and one of her hands left the back of his neck as her fingers travelled up into his hair. "Okay."

Derek held her tight, happy to have her so close and grateful at how open she was being with him. She was independent and strong; had survived more than he could imagine. And the fact that she loved and trusted him enough to confide in him made his heart swell. "We're going to have a great week," he whispered.

"Two weeks," she corrected. "Well, almost. Two weeks minus a couple days; which was my fault."

"Not your fault," he said quickly, kissing her forehead before releasing her. "And I'm glad this part is great, too."

She offered him a soft smile. "Me too."

"Derek!" Lauren called from two tables over. "Stop distracting the only member of this family who is willing to help me get dinner ready!"

"It's a barbeque, Lauren," he called back. "It's not like there's much that needs to be done."

"Oh, really," she retorted, quickly coming closer.

Derek flinched, knowing he had said the wrong thing.

"You've just volunteered yourself for barbeque duty."

"But I-"

"No buts, Derek," she stated, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and dragging him towards the barbeque, leaving a laughing Meredith behind him.

He lit the barbeque and was half way through the first set of hamburgers when he felt a presence beside him. He glanced to his side, and then laughed. "Did Lauren get you too?"

Shane shrugged. "Wrong place, wrong time. You?"

Derek nodded. "Told her it was 'just a barbeque.'"

Shane chortled. "Stupid move. That'll have you on barbeque duty for a year."

"Good thing I don't live close anymore."

"I'm sure she'll remember every single time you come home to visit. She's your sister, man. You should know better by now."

Derek laughed as he flipped the burgers. Shane had been the first brother-in-law. He and Nancy had gotten married after Derek's freshman year in college. After nearly twenty years, he knew the family almost as well as Derek. "I should know better. She caught me off guard."

"A little distracted, were you?" Shane asked, as he helped Derek lay a row of hotdogs on the barbeque.

"What?"

Shane shrugged. "Your little display with Meredith. Very PDA."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Are we back in high school?"

Shane laughed. "It's good to see you happy, man. It's been a long time."

Derek nodded. "Thanks." It _had_ been a long time. When he was younger, he had been close to his family, including his brothers-in-law. He had done things with them; gone out, gone to games, stayed in touch. But as his marriage had slowly unravelled, he had pulled away. Maybe he hadn't wanted to admit defeat. Maybe he had been depressed. Maybe he had just clung to the one thing he was good at; being a surgeon.

But now that he had proven to himself that he was good at more things, that he could make a relationship work, he was enjoying spending time with his family.

"Nancy's missed you," Shane continued. "She wanted to fly out to Seattle before Christmas. I held her off for as long as I could, gave you as much time as I could."

"A warning phone call would have been nice, but thanks for the effort."

"You never gave me you new number."

"What?"

Shane shrugged. "You took off, man. No contact. Nothing. Nancy was worried. Everyone was worried."

Derek sighed and closed the barbeque as he turned, taking in the sight of his family all around him. Playing. Laughing. Setting up for dinner. "I guess I had to figure some things out," he said quietly. "And I'm sorry I made anyone worry."

"As long as you've got things sorted out now."

Derek's eyes fell on Meredith. She was standing with Meg and Kathleen, laughing as they watched some of the kids try – unsuccessfully – to make a human pyramid. He nodded and turned back to his brother-in-law. "I've got things sorted out," he confirmed. "And I'll make sure everyone has all of my numbers before I leave."

"Good."

He narrowed his eyes. "Nancy sent you with instructions, didn't she?"

Shane shrugged. "Like I said, they're _your_ sisters."

Derek laughed. "Tell her I'm okay. I'm happy."

"She also wants me to make sure you're going to visit more often if you're planning on staying in Seattle."

He rolled his eyes. "I am staying in Seattle. But I will visit more often. _We_ will visit more often."

"I like her. Meredith. She's good for you."

Derek nodded. "She is."

"There are a lot of changes this year."

Derek's gaze moved across his family until his eyes landed on Nathan and Lauren. "Yes, there are."

"I was concerned too," Shane said. He had been around for everything when Lauren's life had fallen apart. He had gone with Derek and Mark to threaten Emily's father to stay the hell away from Lauren and Emily. "But he's a good guy. You should give him a chance."

Derek sighed as he opened the barbeque and flipped the burgers and hotdogs, keeping an eye on his sister and her fiancé as he did so. "It's been over a year and she never told me."

"She was going to, but then you disappeared. And from what Nancy told me, she was mad at you for not telling her what was going on in your life. I don't think she ever meant to keep it from you."

"Just wanted to spite me?"

"Maybe a little."

"I guess I deserved it." Derek and Lauren had always been close. He had grown up feeling protective of his little sister, even before their father died. When she had gotten into trouble, he hadn't even hesitated before taking her home. He hadn't even asked Addison before doing so. She was his sister and he loved her. They didn't keep things from each other; not big things. He sighed. "I should have called her when I moved. Should have told her what happened. Should have told her about Meredith."

"Probably. Like I said; your sister."

"That's getting a little annoying."

Shane laughed as he held out a plate for Derek to stack the first set of burgers and hotdogs onto. "Now you sound like Nancy."

Derek laughed. "Hey, I got stuck with her. _You_ chose her."

"I heard that," Nancy called as she suddenly appeared behind them.

"I was just about to tell your brother how very much I love you, dear."

Nancy huffed at her husband. "Sure you were."

Derek dropped the last of the cooked burgers onto the plate Shane was holding before turning back to the barbeque to start a new batch. "He was," he said, standing up for his brother-in-law. "He's already told me at least twice today alone."

"You two are pathetic." She shook her head. "Are the hotdogs done? The kids are getting hungry."

"Just off the grill," Shane said. "Walk with me, and I'll tell you how perfect you are."

Derek laughed to himself as he watched his sister and brother-in-law head to the 'head' picnic table with the first round of food. Never a dull moment at the Shepherd household. It surprised him now to realize how much he had missed this. It hadn't only been a year since he had been gone. For several years he had been avoiding family get-togethers. And if he had gone, he had been distant.

Distant. He closed the barbeque and stared around himself at his family again. He had an amazing family. And he had distanced himself from them in every way possible. Some of it had been unavoidable, he knew. Getting away, getting out of New York and finding himself, had been the right decision. He had _needed_ to find out who he was. But he hadn't needed to cut ties, to cut communication. He loved his family. He _missed_ his family. Yes, they could be overbearing, but he needed them too.

He wouldn't be distant again. Not ever.

"Hey," a cautious voiced sounded beside him. "Lauren asked me to bring you a fresh plate for the next batch of burgers."

Derek turned to see Nathan beside him, looking pensive. They hadn't spoken since their initial meeting the day before. Derek had watched him, but had avoided any actual interaction. "Thanks."

Nathan nodded.

"So," Derek started, clearing his throat. His sister loved this man, and he had promised to give him a chance. "Are you from New York?"

OO

After spending twenty minutes talking to his sister's surprisingly likeable fiancé, and another twenty minutes finishing the last batch of burgers, Derek collapsed beside Meredith at the picnic table she was sitting at with Meg and Scott, and his mother and Brian.

"Good barbequing, Derek," Meg stated.

"It would have been nice if someone could have relieved me so I could have eaten before everyone else was on their seconds, but thanks."

Meg laughed. "Lauren told us not to. Apparently you've got time to make up. Think of all the barbeques you've missed."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Great, so what you're saying is every time we visit from now on, I'll be stuck on cooking duty?"

Meg nodded. "Exactly."

He huffed and snaked an arm around Meredith's waist. "We're never coming back here."

Meredith giggled. "What do you mean 'we'? I like it here; they're not making _me_ cook."

Derek rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the smile that fluttered to his lips at just how comfortable Meredith was here.

"Well, maybe that's because they want to actually be able to eat what gets cooked," he quipped.

She tried to huff at him, but ended up laughing. "I am not that bad."

Derek laughed as well. "She is," he insisted to the rest of the table. "She almost burned down my trailer trying to make breakfast."

"He's making it up."

He shook his head. This was an argument they had all the time. "Mer, you were looking for the fire extinguisher. And I had to replace the oven mitts. That's usually a sign that there's a problem."

The rest of the table laughed.

Meredith glared at him. "I had everything under control."

He chuckled as he leaned in to his her cheek. "Sure you did."

"You know what? I don't really like you much right now..."

Derek kept chuckling to himself as he took a bite of his burger. Even if it wasn't obvious that she was joking, she was sitting comfortably beside him, at a table that held his mother, stepfather, sister and brother-in-law, surrounded by the rest of his family, and wearing his ring.

He had never been so certain that he could make her happy as he was right now.

"So, what are you kids planning on doing for your last day in New York?" Brian asked.

Derek shrugged. "Nothing much planned. Thought I'd take Mer on a tour of the area."

Meredith nodded. "I heard something about a famous ice cream store?"

"That's a good idea," Jane spoke up. "We should all go for ice cream tomorrow. The kids would love it."

Derek nodded. "Sounds good. Maybe after dinner?" The ice cream store they were referring to was a few blocks away. Family owned for generations. And for a man who didn't care much for desserts, Derek had to admit he loved the ice cream. It was where he had first tried coffee flavoured.

They quickly made plans to take the entire family to get ice cream the next night, and debated over how many cars they would need. Twenty six people were a lot to transport all at once. But it would be a nice, last thing to do with his family before he and Meredith left the next following morning.

This trip had never supposed to have been long. It had been planned to be a short first introduction for Meredith and his family. Derek hoped that now that Meredith was settled and comfortable, they could stay longer the next time.

When plans for the next night were finished, and the exact combination of vehicles decided, the conversation moved on to other topics, from the weather to family members' plans for the rest of the year. As the sun began to set, the kids started up a full scale game of flag football crossed with tag crossed with capture the flag. Derek wasn't too sure on the rules, as he suspected was the same for all of the adults, but he was still winded when he finally took himself out of the game for a breather.

Lauren was sitting alone along the side of the hill, watching the game, as she too took a break.

He sat beside her and bumped her shoulder. "That kid of yours is growing up." He couldn't get over how tall and mature Emily was getting.

Lauren smiled and nodded. "She sure is. She has all these interests and opinions now. It's kind of amazing."

"And she seems to like Nathan."

She turned to him, surprised. "He loves us, Derek. He's good to us."

He nodded. "I'm glad you're happy."

"You're being a very big person right now."

He chuckled. "Meredith said some things to me. And mom. And Shane. What happened to you was a long time ago. And I know that you know you can always call me if you're in trouble, no matter how much of an ass I've been or how distant."

"Derek..."

"And I know you would never put yourself in that kind of situation again. Not for yourself. And especially not for Emily."

"You're right."

He swung an arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry I disappeared."

Lauren smiled at him before leaning against him. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"It's been a long year. But I think maybe it was for the best. You're a different person, Derek. I can't remember ever seeing you this happy."

"I can't remember ever being this happy," he said honestly. "But I'm not going to forget about my family anymore. I'll be coming home to visit regularly."

"Do you think you can make it here in the fall?"

"For what?"

She sat up and turned to him. "For my wedding?"

"Oh, Lauren..."

"I need you to be there, Derek. You're my big brother. And I was kind of hoping you'd walk me down the aisle."

He hugged her. "Of course I'll be there."

"And you'll walk me down the aisle?"

"Yes."

She sniffed as she hugged him back. "Thank you."

"Hey, you're my little sister. There's no way I wouldn't be there." He smiled. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," she said again, her voice throaty in the way that told him she was about to cry.

"But don't think for a second this gets Nathan out of the 'if you hurt my sister, I'll kill you' speech."

Lauren laughed and pulled away from him. "Please don't tell me you're serious."

He nodded. "I've given it three times; I've got it down now."

"I don't believe you."

"It's true. It got more intimidating the more times I did it. The first time, with Shane...didn't go so well. I was just this scrawny freshman in college. And I don't really think Scott understood what I was saying, but to be fair we were drunk and at his bachelor party, so I guess that was my bad. But Tim was definitely a little bit worried."

Lauren laughed loudly now. "I can't believe you actually did that."

"It's my job."

"Does that mean I should have the same conversation with Meredith?"

"She would never hurt me."

"I believe that." Lauren smiled sadly. "I guess someone should have had the conversation with Addison."

Derek shrugged. "I doubt it would have made a difference. And it wasn't all her fault."

"Are you seriously taking some of the blame for her jumping into bed with Mark?"

"No. But our marriage at that point..." He trailed off and shook his head. "It wasn't a marriage anymore. We didn't talk. We didn't fight. We just...existed. Lived in the same house, but not together. That's not what marriage should be."

"Do you think you could have fixed things, had she not slept with Mark?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. For a while at least. But what would have been the point? We were too different. She wanted a certain lifestyle, and I don't. Not anymore."

"Did you love her?"

"I think so. I hope so. But not enough."

"Not as much as you love Meredith."

"Exactly. It's different."

"I'm glad you're happy, Derek."

He smiled. "I'm glad you're happy."

"What a difference a year makes, huh?"

"I was just thinking that."

She smiled at him before laying her head against his shoulder. "Nathan's going to adopt Emily," she said quietly. "Officially. Emily's really excited about it."

Derek returned his arm to his sister's shoulder and remained silent for a long moment. "That's good," he finally responded. "You and Emily deserve happiness."

"We come as a set," she said. "And he's never questioned that. I told him when I first met him that she was the most important thing in my life, and that she takes top priority, no matter what. Usually that scares guys away, but he looked me right in the eyes and told me he wouldn't be interest if I _didn't_ think that way."

This made Derek smile. "Maybe I won't have to have the talk with him after all."

Lauren laughed. "Just give him a chance and you'll like him."

"I'll try my best."

"I like her," Lauren offered.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah. She's...not Addy."

"No, she's definitely not. She never stopped to question why I lived in a trailer. Or why I prefer my old Land Rover. And she's never pushed me to change." He paused as his eyes caught sight of his fiancée, running across the field after the kids, looking as if she had some concept of the game she was playing. "I feel like she's the only person in the world who really knows me. And she loves me for it."

"We love you, Derek," Lauren said quietly. "And we want to know the real you if you let us."

He nodded. "It's nice; to be able to be yourself."

"It is," she agreed.

Derek chuckled. "I'm kind of proud of us."

Lauren nodded. "We've grown up."

"We have."


	91. Chapter 91

_**AN: Big delay. Again. Big apology. Again. As many of you know, I got caught up writing a post finale fic (Road to Recovery). If you haven't read it, please give it a try. I am back on track with this fic now, and will be catching up on HWA once I've re-discovered my footing with WYB.**_

_**Derek and Meredith have finished their time in New York. The next couple chapters (this one and 1-2 more) will revolve around their vacation and then we'll get them back to Seattle Grace in time for season 4...**_

Meredith pulled her suitcase out of the trunk of the rental car with a _thunk, thunk, thud_ as the wheels finally cleared the car and found pavement.

"Try not to dent the car in _front_ of the rental agents," Derek said lightly as he appeared beside her and reached for his own suitcase.

She giggled. "Sorry. It's heavier than it was before."

He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "That's because you bought out half a department store."

She swiped a hand at his chest. "I did not."

He chuckled, but said nothing as he reached to lift his own bag out of the trunk, but as careful as he was, a corner wheel caught the edge of the trunk on the way out.

Meredith snickered. "I guess I'm not the only one whose suitcase is heavier..." She said, reminding him she wasn't the only one who had participated in their shopping expedition four days earlier.

He growled in the back of his throat, "Smartass."

"You're just upset because I caught you."

Instead of responding verbally, he grasped onto the fabric of the front of her shirt and leaned in to kiss her.

"You're just trying to distract me," she mumbled when he pulled away.

He cocked his head. "Is it working?"

She shrugged. "Maybe."

He pecked her lips before shutting the trunk. "You ready to go?"

"Yes. Did you make sure we got everything out of the front seat?"

He nodded.

Meredith swung her carryon bag over her shoulder and reached for his hand. Derek, with his matching carryon that snapped onto the top of his suitcase, smiled and threaded his fingers through hers. They walked together through the closed off area of the parking lot to the rental agency to return the car keys, and then started the walk through the throngs of passengers waiting to check in for their flights.

"I feel like I was just here," Meredith muttered.

Derek chuckled. "You were."

She made a face. It seemed like she had spent weeks at the Shepherd house, and not only a few days. They'd have to go for longer next time. Derek had promised her months ago, amidst her freaking out about meeting his family, that the first visit would be kept short. And even if she had joined him when she had been supposed to, it only would have added an extra day to the visit.

But, even though she had lost a day of an already short trip, she had still found herself a place in the life of his family. They were nice people, the Shepherds. Kind and thoughtful and welcoming. A lot like Derek.

She wouldn't have any qualms about visiting them in the future. Derek had already mentioned his sister was getting married in the fall. And that she had asked him to walk her down the aisle. Meredith was proud of him for taking the time to listen to his sister; to accept Nathan.

They reached the check-in for their flight and joined the short business class line.

Derek snaked his arms around her, pulling her into a loose hug as they waited for their line to move forward. "We'll be on a beach soon," he murmured.

She smiled against his chest as her fingers closed around the fabric of his shirt. "Just a three hour plane ride in our way."

"We'll just have to find some way of passing the time..." He whispered hotly against her neck.

Meredith giggled. "Never going to happen."

He grumbled against her. "I'll make it worth your while."

"Can't you wait until we get there?"

"With you? Never."

As quiet as they were trying to be, their words reached the passenger in line in front of time. The older woman, impeccably dressed and poised, turned and shot Meredith a disapproving glare.

Meredith giggled and buried her face into Derek's shoulder. "We're being listened to," she whispered.

Derek glanced at the women in front of them. "Let her listen," he whispered back.

She sighed and hugged him tighter before pressing her hands to his chest.

He pecked her cheek and released her.

The line moved, and they shuffled forward.

"So," he spoke again, reaching for her hand. "How did you like New York?"

She smiled softly at him. "It was even better than you promised. I'm glad I didn't let my stupid issues stop me from experiencing it."

"I'm glad too," he murmured.

"You're family is really nice," she added. Meredith had been sad to leave the Shepherd household. Jane had hugged her goodbye and made her promise to call at some point. It was all so new, but in a good way. In a very welcome way.

"Our family now," he corrected.

"Not yet."

He shrugged. "As good as. We just have to make it official."

"Mmm, any ideas yet?"

Derek smirked. "How about we change our flight on the way home and lay-over in Vegas?"

She giggled. "You still want to get married in Vegas?"

"Why not? Hundreds of wedding chapels to choose from. And I'm not going crazy this time," he added, referring to his desperate almost-proposal when she was recovering from her near drowning experience.

"You weren't going crazy."

He gave her a look.

"Okay, you were only a little crazy."

"So, what do you think?" He asked jokingly, a sparkle in his eyes. "Want to see if we can find a surgery themed chapel in Vegas?"

"You don't think that's a little extreme?"

"It would make for some interesting pictures."

"No," she said, laughing. "I want a _normal_ picture."

"There you go with that word again."

She smiled and hooked her hands around the back of his neck. "It's nice to feel normal sometimes."

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "We'll get you your picture."

"Soon."

Derek smiled. "Soon," he agreed.

She pecked his lips and released him to move forward with the line. They were now at the front.

The check in went smoothly, and before Meredith knew it, they had cleared security and found their gate. They sat and waited for their flight to board.

"So," Derek started, "What's the first thing you want to do when we get there?"

She smirked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"I like the way you think," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her. "What's the second thing you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do people normally do on vacation?"

"Other than sex?"

She giggled and nodded.

"Drink. Eat. Sightsee."

"Sounds like a fun week."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and smiled. "It will be."

Meredith smiled back before resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes, allowing her mind to drift as they waited for their flight to board.

A week ago she had been stuck feeling like she couldn't catch her breath. One thing after another had gone wrong, and it had seemed like her carefully built life had been crashing down around her. But her relationship with Derek hadn't changed. In her desperation to catch her breath, Meredith hadn't been able to understand that at the time. She hadn't been able to see that the look in his eyes hadn't changed. He was still there for her. He loved her and would always love her. Leaving him in Seattle and running away to Hawaii with Cristina and Izzy had been wrong, but at the same time, it had been right. After only a day away from him, she had realized not only how much she needed him, but how much she _wanted _to be with him. She had come to understand the unconditional love he felt for her, because she felt it for him as well.

She knew now that she would never doubt _them_ again.

When their flight was finally called, she followed Derek onto the plane and took her seat next to him. It took a long time for the plane to load, and she leaned her head against Derek's shoulder for the wait. By the time the plane took off, Meredith could barely keep her eyes open.

"Sleep," Derek murmured, hooking his arm around her shoulders. "We'll be there before you know it."

She snuggled up against him and closed her eyes. And she slept.

It was the jolt of the wheels hitting the ground that woke her three hours later.

"We're here," Derek whispered when she groaned and sat upright.

Meredith ran her hands over her face, trying to make herself wake up. "Already?"

"Yup. You're good company."

She giggled. "Sorry."

He leaned in to kiss her as the plane was taxied into the terminal. "'s okay. I slept too."

She offered him a groggy smile as she ran her hands over her face again. "I've spent way too much time flying this week..."

He kissed her again. "Well, you have a whole week before you have to fly again."

She smiled at this. _A whole week._ A whole week of just her and Derek. No hospital. No pagers. No stress. No roommates. No family to meet.

When the plane finally came to a stop and the doors were opened, Meredith followed Derek into the airport. She was still groggy by the time they reached the luggage carousel and chose to stay back from the crowd as Derek pulled their bags off the moving conveyor belt. Derek's nieces had woken them up at the crack of dawn again to watch cartoons. And they hadn't exactly gone right to sleep when they had gone to bed the night before. Derek seemed to be dealing okay with the lack of sleep, but Meredith, having just caught up on her own sleep, was struggling to keep her eyes open, even after a three hour nap on the plane.

She smiled as she watched her fiancé lift a suitcase off the carousel for an older women who appeared to be travelling with her young granddaughter. The woman thanked him, and he smiled warmly at her and the little girl before reaching to scoop his own suitcase off the carousel.

"You're being awfully charming," Meredith murmured when he found her on the outskirts of the eager passengers.

He released the handles of their suitcases, and sidled up to her, his fingers finding her hips. "I am, huh?"

She couldn't help but smile at how free he looked. The tension she had gotten used to seeing in his face over the past few months, at differing degrees depending on the week, day or hour, was gone. His eyes were sparkling, and they made her smile grow. "Mmm, very," she murmured, running her hands up his abdomen and chest to his shoulders. Their lips met.

"You seem a little more awake," he mumbled when they pulled away. His hands moved around her waist.

She cocked her head. "I was just resting up for later."

"What's later?"

She smirked. "I believe someone promised me a king sized bed and a whole week to use it..."

He groaned and released her, sending her a glare. "Can't you wait for an hour?"

Meredith giggled and raised an eyebrow. "Can you?"

He sent her another glare and reached for their carryons from the floor next to her. He passed Meredith her shoulder bag and snapped his own carryon onto his suitcase.

After settling her bag over her shoulder, she leaned in to peck his lips. "I'll behave until we get to the hotel."

He smirked. "We could have gotten the vacation started on the plane..."

"It's too bad you let me sleep through the flight, then," she retorted sarcastically.

Derek wasn't deterred by her sarcasm. "I'll just remember to wake you up next time... On the way home, maybe?"

"You're very persistent, do you know that?"

This brought a beaming smile to his face. "How do you think I won you over?"

She felt her smile grow to match his at them memory of him practically stalking her around the hospital in the weeks after they met. "Mmm, good point."

He pecked her lips one more time and threaded his fingers through hers as they headed towards the exit.

OO

Staring out the car window at the beautiful scenery unfolding around her, Meredith couldn't help but feel an ache in her chest. Because less than a week ago she had been lost and broken, sharing the backseat of a cab with her shattered friend, on the way to a fancy resort. And all she had wanted was to be sharing the experience with Derek.

Sitting beside her in the backseat, Derek reached for her hand, and she sent him a smile before turning her gaze back out her window. She wasn't looking at the same land or ocean as she had been in Hawaii, but it was beautiful just the same. She sighed.

"Happy?"

Turning her head back to meet his eyes, she squeezed his hand. "Yes."

He smiled softly at her. "Me too."

"It's beautiful here."

"You're beautiful."

She giggled. "And you're corny."

"What can I say? You bring it out in me."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but couldn't resist leaning across the backseat to kiss him. With a chuckle, Derek held her close and kissed her again.

"It's going to be a good week," he whispered when he released her.

"It is," she agreed, smiling warmly at him.

They fell silent, and Meredith eventually turned her attention back to the scenery unfolding outside her window. It was only minutes later that the cab pulled into the front parking lot of the resort and stopped by the front door. The resort itself was smaller than the one she had stayed at for only one night in Hawaii, and not as fancy. But it was well kept and private, with a great reputation.

Exchanging one last smile with Derek, Meredith opened her door and stepped out. The large, stone hotel was to the right, and she could see the beach and ocean to the left.

It was beautiful.

Derek sent her a look as he helped the driver unload the trunk. She sauntered to the back of the car in time to take the handle of her suitcase from Derek. They thanked the driver and Derek gave him a tip.

"You ready?" Derek asked her once they had all of their bags.

She nodded and followed him into the front lobby. The check-in went smoothly and before she knew it they were on their way to their room.

Derek opened the door, and motioned for her to enter first. She did so, slowly, and pecked his lips as she went by. A small hallway led from the door and opened up into a large sitting room, complete with a flat screen television, desk, small fridge and patio doors that led to the balcony. She left her suitcase by the couch and wandered through the doorway to the left that led to the bedroom. The king sized bed Derek had promised her was there, along with a second television, a dresser and closest, a door to the bathroom, and a second set of patio doors that led to the same balcony. Meredith padded across the room to the patio doors.

Pulling the door open, she stepped onto the balcony and felt her breath catch. The view was spectacular. The resort's private beach was spread out in front of her, bordered by bright blue water.

"Wow," she whispered.

"Wow is right," Derek murmured, appearing behind her. His arms snaked around her waist and his chin came to rest on her shoulder.

Meredith leaned back into him and sighed, feeling safe and loved and full of anticipation to the coming week.

"What do you want to do first?"

With one last glance at the view, Meredith turned in his arms and hooked her hands behind his neck. Instead of answering him verbally, she pressed herself against him and kissed him hard. He moaned into her mouth and kissed her back just as hard, his hands already reaching for the hem of her shirt.

"I like the way you think," he mumbled as he pulled her into the bedroom.

OO

The air was cooler when Meredith woke. The bed was soft beneath her. The blanket had been tossed onto the floor, but the sheet had somehow managed to find its way over top of them before they fell asleep. But it wasn't the only thing keeping her protected from the cool evening air.

Derek's chest was pressed against her back, his arms were around her and his legs were entwined with hers. He was so close that she could feel his soft exhales against the back of her neck.

She could see through the curtains that the sun was dipping in the sky, and if she tried she could hear the ocean outside.

This was arguably the most comfortable she had ever felt.

With a content sigh, Meredith closed her eyes, prepared to fall back to sleep. It was a minute later that her stomach grumbled, cluing her in to why she had woken in the first place.

She groaned and ignored the hunger that was gradually increasing, but it was no use. She hadn't eaten since breakfast, and after the workout Derek had given her that afternoon she wouldn't be able to sleep through the night without food. And she suspected he wouldn't either.

"Derek?" She whispered, patting the hand that rested on the bed by her abdomen.

He moaned, but didn't wake.

Meredith stretched her legs downward, and then rolled in Derek's arms to face him.

Disrupted by her movements, he blinked groggily at her and then rolled onto his back, his right arm falling over his eyes.

She ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry," she offered, "But we have to get up."

He said nothing. His chest rose and fell evenly.

She giggled, knowing he was trying to ignore her. "Wake-y wake-y," she whispered, before manoeuvring herself so she was straddling his lower abdomen. Pushing the hand, that was still covering his eyes, away she kissed him.

With her on top of him and her lips against his, Derek couldn't ignore her anymore. He kissed her back, moaning when she pulled away.

"You're awake," she said brightly.

He stared up at her. "And you're on top of me."

"I had to resort to extreme measures. You wouldn't wake up."

Catching her by surprise, he flipped them so that she was caught under him. His hot breath hit her neck as his lips found their way to the sensitive skin along the side of her neck. "Eager for round two?" He whispered into her ear.

"Technically, that would be round three," she corrected, "And yes. But you have to feed me first." As if to prove her point, her stomach growled.

He pecked her lips and rolled off of her. "I could go for something to eat. Do you want to go to one of the restaurants or order something?"

"Let's just order something and eat here tonight. Dressing up and going out sounds like a lot of ways to delay round three."

He chuckled. "I like the way you think."

After scouring the room service menu, Meredith left Derek to order and had a shower. Derek followed suit, and was just getting out of the shower when their dinner arrived.

"Perfect timing," Meredith said as she closed the door behind the room service attendant. "Do you want to eat on the balcony?"

"Sure. Just give me a minute to put some clothes on," he called from the bathroom.

"But I like you naked," she called back, picking up the tray.

"Balcony's not exactly private," he retorted.

She giggled as she took the tray out the patio doors in the sitting room. The stone balcony stretched across the length of their suite. Although they were on the top floor there were only four floors and the railing made of short posts. There was also a suite next to theirs and other buildings around. Naked lounging on the balcony would – unfortunately – be noticed.

Meredith settled herself onto a lounge chair with her plate in her lap. She had ordered a pasta dish that was still steaming from the oven.

Derek joined her a moment later, pecking her lips before settling into the chair next to hers with his own dinner. Though he was normally a health nut, his diet had become much less rigid the past week. He had also ordered a pasta dish.

"I could get used to this," he murmured, staring out at the horizon, which was swathed in the blues, reds and oranges of the setting sun.

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. "We'll have to do the vacation thing regularly."

"Or we could just move here," he suggested jokingly.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, cause that wouldn't be a bitch of a commute."

He chuckled. "I do agree that we should do this regularly."

"We should make a list."

"We already have a list," he said dryly. "In fact I'm pretty sure that's what led us here in the first place."

She giggled. "I meant a new list, smartass. Of places we want to go."

"Sounds good. And we can already check off two places."

Meredith smiled and turned back to her dinner, pleased that there would be more vacations in their future. After the stress of the last year – especially the past few months – it was nice to finally be able to sit back and just...be. She could take a breath and not have a hundred and one things jumping out at her and demanding her attention. No suffering friends. No fathers she hasn't seen in twenty years. No surprise sisters. No bombs. No near death experiences. No dying parents.

Just her and Derek being...them.

She smiled to herself and took another bite of her dinner. "Things will be less stressful this year, right? Year two should be less stressful than year one."

Derek smiled at her and shrugged. "I doubt it could get more stressful."

She made a face. "How very decisive."

His smile turned into a smirk. "I can't shield you from the stress, but I can be on call for as much stress relief as you need..."

"You, Dr. Shepherd, have a one track mind."

He raised an eyebrow in response and then fell silent.

She smiled in response before turning back to the sunset once more. "Dinner is awesome," she said, taking another bite. "I could totally get used to this."

"Better than leftover grilled cheese and cold pizza?"

She giggled. "Better than fresh pizza."

"From you, that's saying something."

Ignoring him, she took another bite. Comfortable silence fell between them. The sun began to disappear below the horizon. A myriad of sparkles seemed to hover and shift as they pleased as the light from the sun reflected off of the water. Gentle waves lapped the beach.

When her plate was empty, Meredith sighed and set it on the small table between her and Derek. The sun was now dipping low, giving the illusion it was being bisected by the ocean, but still cascading enough light onto the beach to consider the time of day dusk. But not for long.

A small clang sounded as Derek set his plate onto hers.

She turned her gaze away from the sunset and offered him a warm smile. "Do you want to go for a walk before round three?"

He smiled back. "I'd love to." He stood and she followed suit. They both slipped on sandals and made their way down to the beach.

Leaving their sandals by the resort, they continued barefoot across the still-warm sand. Derek reached out and threaded his fingers through hers. Meredith bumped his shoulder in response.

Gradually wandered closer to the line of the shore, their feet were soon wet. The waves rolled in and rolled out, covering their feet and then disappearing, covering their feet and then disappearing, and then repeating the cycle.

The buildings of the resort eventually stopped, to be replaced with a thin line of trees, enough to give the illusion of being away from civilization. When the shore became rocky, they stopped.

Meredith made to turn back, but met resistance when Derek stopped, her hand, and with it her body, stopping with him. He tugged gently, and she stepped into him, wrapping her arms around his middle and burying her face into his chest. She inhaled deeply as his arms encompassed him.

Safe.

In a world that had one time after another thrust her into chaos, he made her feel safe. It had just taken her trying to run from him to realize the safety he offered existed regardless of the when, the where or the why. He loved her. It was that simple.

"I love you," she found herself whispering.

"Mmm, I love you too," he whispered back, hugging her closer. "I'm so glad we're here."

"Me too." She leaned back in his arms, far enough to meet his gaze.

His eyes sparkled in what was now moon light. She could make out the outline of his face, but not much of its detail. It didn't matter, though. She had long ago sketched his every feature. She could close her eyes and see him as well as if she were looking at him in a perfectly lit room. He was her comfort. Her dream. Her fantasy. Her Derek.

He was hers.

Hooking her fingers around the hem of his tee shirt, she pulled him down to her level, her lips finding his in the dark without any hesitation.

He deepened the kiss as her hand migrated up to his hair. And when she thought she couldn't take the intensity any more, he broke the kiss, his lips moving sensually across her skin. Her body ignited from the inside.

She moaned into the darkness.

"You know that thing you said before we left?" He breathed hotly into her ear.

"Thing?" She questioned, already breathing hard.

"About going for a walk before round three?"

"Walk. Yes. I remember," she stammered.

He pecked her lips. "How about we combine the two?"

She moaned again as his lips reclaimed their purchase on the hyper-sensitive skin on her neck.

"H-here?" She finally managed to verbalize.

"Here," he confirmed.

"People?"

"We haven't seen a single other person."

"M'kay."

He chuckled, his breath hot against her skin. "We have to be quiet, though."

She giggled. "I could get used to this whole vacation thing..."

"Not if we get caught on night one and get kicked off the island."


	92. Chapter 92

Eyes closed, Meredith inhaled, the air crisp and clear with just a hint of salt from the ocean. A cool line of water rose from mid-calf up to mid-thigh, and then fell back down, before rising again. Over and over and over in the relatively regular rhythm of the ocean waves.

The last time she had been in the water – a week ago in Hawaii where she had barely gone past her knees while Izzy and Cristina swam – she had quickly been elevated to a nine. Now she was much lower.

A five. Maybe even a four.

The water was warm and smooth. Inviting, even.

With a sigh, she opened her eyes. The sun was bright, despite her sunglasses.

Derek squeezed her hand. "How're you doing?" He stood beside her, patient and supportive, his fingers threaded through hers.

She offered him a smile. "Four."

"Four is good." He shuffled forward through the water, tugging on her hand, knowing she needed a slight push.

She followed him, trusting, until the water was up to his hips and low on her waist. This time when they came to a stop she tucked herself against his chest with a sigh. "It's warmer than your pond."

"It is," he agreed, looping his arms around her. After returning from the beach the night before, they had managed to fit in a fourth round before spooning together and falling asleep. By the time they woke they had long since missed breakfast in the resort restaurant, but had managed to order it to their room.

_Swathed in a fluffy bathrobe, Meredith stepped out of the bathroom. She had ordered the meal this time while Derek showered first, and she had heard it being delivered as she had stepped out of her shower minutes before._

_ The suite was empty, but the patio doors were open. After a moment of debate, she decided the bathrobe was acceptable balcony wear._

_ Derek looked up from his omelette as she stepped out. He offered her a wry smile. "Healthy breakfast choice."_

_ She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm as she collapsed onto the chair next to him and snatched her breakfast plate from the table. Pancakes. Fruit. Whipped cream. Syrup. "It has fruit."_

_ "That's your argument? Really?"_

_ She tried her best to glare at him. "At least mine's not full of cholesterol."_

_ He huffed and took another bite of his omelette._

Feeling irrevocably safe in his arms, Meredith sighed. "I think I may be down to a three," she mumbled into his bare chest.

Derek kissed the top of her head and released her. "Good."

She moved forward, trusting him to follow her. The beach gradually declined into the water, so she took several steps before the water began to encroach on her shoulders.

"Now?" He questioned when she came to a stop.

"Maybe a three-point-five." She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath, which she released slowly. Her heart was thumping in her chest, but not in a way that made her feel out of control. She had a healthy respect for water, and suspected she always would after her experience, but the lessons Derek had given her and the fact that he was right beside her gave her the confidence to be able to breathe.

She felt him reach for her hand, his warm grip grounding her, making her feel secure. She smiled and opened her eyes. The ocean spread out in front of her in a smooth blanket that sparkled from the midday sun. Quiet and inviting. Nothing like the cold, dark water of Elliot Bay.

He sighed heavily, and she glanced at him, biting back a smirk at the concern lining his eyes. Ever protective. Cleary he was distressed that her three had become a three-point-five, despite the foot or so deeper they had travelled. To Meredith a half point increase was positive regarding the circumstances.

In a moment of impulsivity, she swiped her hand across the surface of the water, taking Derek completely by surprise as the splash caught him in the face. He floundered for a moment, and she couldn't help but laugh.

It wasn't until he narrowed his eyes at her that she realized she was stuck. Not only was he holding her hand, but they were a good fifty feet into the water and with his superior height he would be better able to win any kind of water fight.

When a wave of water impacted her face, she wasn't surprise. She tried to pull her hand out of his, but he held tight and splashed her again.

"Hey! Der-" She was cut off by a third splash.

He chuckled, but stopped his assault for long enough for her to retaliate.

Laughing now, Meredith splashed him again and again. He finally dropped her hand to cover his face. With both hands free, Meredith splashed him harder, and was so distracted that he took her by surprise when he gave on simply trying to cover himself. He moved towards her suddenly, reaching for her in an attempt to stop her, but miscalculated the distance between them. He was right in front of her before she realized he was moving, and his chest slammed into hers before she could react.

The impact sent her off balance. Her feet moved back to catch her, but didn't move fast enough in the water, and she fell backwards into the water, taking Derek with her.

Water swirled around her head as she was submerged. It hissed by her ears and filled her mouth with a strong salt taste. Her limbs splayed as she floundered in the water, fighting for balance or traction or anything. And then her feet found the sand and pushed upwards on instinct.

She surfaced a moment after Derek – just in time to catch the worry in his eyes quickly dissipate.

"You ass," she chastised, shoving playfully at his chest.

He chuckled and caught her hands, pulling her to him. "You started it."

She laughed out loud and hooked her hands behind his neck.

"Sorry," he mumbled, before he pressed his lips to hers.

She kissed him back and then buried her face into the crook of his neck as she hugged him tight, celebrating. She was solidly at a zero.

* * *

Several hours later, Meredith half sat and half lay on a lounge chair, drink in hand, enjoying the warm sun as it dried her skin and bathing suit after she and Derek had taken a second swim.

"I still can't believe you ordered that," Derek mumbled from his lounge chair beside her, also clad in only his bathing suit.

She giggled and took a sip of her very stereotypical island drink. Brightly coloured and complete with fresh fruit skewered on a small plastic sword and a mini umbrella. "It's good. I had one in Hawaii. Want to try?" She held it out to him.

He made a face and shook his head, happy with his neutral coloured drink without the frills.

She shrugged and took another sip. "Your loss. And you don't get to make fun of it if you won't try it."

Choosing not to respond, he sent her a smile and then lay back on his chair. He wore sunglasses, so she couldn't see his eyes, but she assumed they were closed because he didn't react when a goggle of bikini clad women ogled him and his bare chest as they walked past, half of them also sending glares towards Meredith.

She laughed.

He rolled his head back towards her at the noise. "What?"

The trolling women were past them now, and he hadn't even noticed. For a world class neurosurgeon he could be truly oblivious. Biting back a laugh, she smiled at him. "I love you."

He smiled back. "I love you too."

"What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"This," was his response.

"When do you want to do the snorkelling thing?"

"Whenever you're ready."

"Maybe in a couple days?" She offered. "So I can get better at the swimming thing first."

"You're pretty good already."

She smiled at his comment. They had played in the water for close to an hour both times, and lots of actual swimming had occurred. With the beach on such a gradual incline she had been comfortable swimming around, knowing she could touch bottom if she needed to. She had the coordination figured out.

"I had a good teacher."

He laughed. "I try."

"That'll be another thing off our list."

"And it'll move the most important item up to number one."

Her stomach fluttered in nervous excitement at the reminder of the thing she was most looking forward to. "I guess we have to start planning something."

He nodded. "Any ideas?"

"Just something that results in a picture."

"For the grandkids."

"Exactly. A normal, or at least semi-normal, wedding picture."

"What exactly would constitute as a semi-normal wedding picture?"

"Just...something happy without a creepy background like a freaking surgery themed wedding chapel in Vegas," she stated, making fun of his earlier suggestion.

"I was joking about that."

"Sure you were," she taunted, bantering with him.

He laughed. "We'll get our picture. Do you have any ideas on dates?"

"Soon."

He smiled. "I like soon."

She smiled back. "Me too. I mean...I love you. You love me. We know we want the forever thing, so why wait?"

"Exactly."

The look in his eyes was pretty perfect and made her heart thump in her chest. She bit down onto her lower lip as she met his gaze. The gaze of the man who would be her husband sometime in the near future.

God, she wanted it. She wanted to be able to call him her husband. And she wanted to hear him call her his wife.

She wanted the permanence. The expectation of forever. Not that she didn't have it already, from the look in his eyes.

He cocked his head, his eyes narrowing, his gaze scorching into hers. Her body started buzzing.

She swallowed and her upper incisors released her lower lip. "I'm going to go up to the room... Want to join me?"

Derek was on his feet in a heartbeat, reaching out to her.

She giggled at his enthusiasm and took his hand, allowing him to pull her out of the chair.

He hooked his arm around her waist and kissed her.

She kissed him back and then tugged on his hand, pulling him towards the hotel.

* * *

Hours later, Meredith and Derek wandered hand in hand along the beach in the opposite direction of the previous day. It wasn't quite dusk, but the sun had dipped low enough in the sky so that the air was cooler. Their hotel was at the edge of the resort, and whereas the direction they had travelled the previous evening had been quiet and mostly undisturbed, the opposite direction gave rise to buildings and people.

Music from at least three different bars played along the beach, but not loud enough for any one beat to be overpowering. Some vacationers were dancing, while others still took advantage of the water, and others still wandered through the small shops scattered across the resort.

"Want to get a drink?" Derek asked.

Meredith groaned as her hand came involuntarily to her stomach. "Maybe on the way back. I still feel like I'm going to explode." They had eaten dinner in the hotel restaurant for the first time and the food had been delicious. Too delicious, apparently.

He chuckled. "I think you shocked the waiter with the amount you put away."

"I didn't eat that much," she retorted, knowing it wasn't exactly true.

"Sure you didn't. Only twice as much as I did..."

"It was not twice as much."

"Fine. One and a half times as much."

She huffed, but abandoned her argument.

"We could get ice cream," Derek suggested, purposefully prodding her, as he pointed at a small ice cream stand they were about to pass.

"I hate you, Derek Shepherd," she muttered.

He dropped her hand and hooked his arm around her waist, pulling her to a stop and pressing a kiss to her temple. "You love me," he countered.

"Not when you're mean to me."

His free arm snaked around her waist now too, hugging her close. "I love you," he offered.

She sighed. "Fine. I both love and hate you. Simultaneously."

He laughed and kissed her, causing her to laugh as well. "Let's check out some of the shops while you make room for dessert."

"Okay." She followed him into the closest shop. Very touristy. "I think you should get this," she commented immediately, pulling a Hawaiian style shirt off the rack by the entrance and holding it up for him to see.

"Hmm," he murmured, pretending to be considering the orange, blue and purple design. "I don't think it's quit my style."

"Okay," she said, replacing it with another, this time a pink and yellow design. "How about this one?"

"Oh, that's much better," he said sarcastically.

She giggled and put it back on the rack. "Are you looking for something specific?"

He shrugged. "Nothing specific. Just...something."

"Something?"

"Yeah. We're on vacation. Therefore we need to purchase some touristy thing to sit and collect dust at home forever and remind us of this trip."

She bit back a laugh. "Okay. So, we're looking for a souvenir of some sort. How about that?" She pointed to a giant ceramic sandal hanging on the wall with _Bahamas_ sketched across it.

He chuckled. "I was hoping for something a little less tacky."

"I hate to break it to you, Derek, but it's kind of tacky-palooza in here."

"You're right. Let's see what our other choices are."

They left the shop, passed a store that appeared to sell only bathing suits and towels, and stopped at a shop that seemed much more promising. Still touristy, but much less tacky. A number of clothing racks sat to the right, an array of shelves along the back wall held books, and to the left was a jewellery counter and several glass display cases.

Meredith smiled at a small glass sculpture of a cartoon fish, and then made a face at the price and moved away from that particular display. "How about a shell necklace?" She asked, pointing to a display wall showcasing several varieties.

Derek offered her an amused smile. "I'm not really a shell necklace kind of guy. But if you want one, it's yours."

She giggled. "Well, I'm not a shell necklace kind of girl."

He raised an eyebrow. "And what kind of girl are you, then?"

"The kind of girl that loves the kind of guy that you are," she bantered back easily.

"Mmm, good answer," he whispered, stepping forward to peck her lips.

She threaded her fingers through his and wandered with him until something caught his eye. "Here. How about this?" He picked up a picture frame. It was carved stone, mostly light grey, with several other colours interspersed. _Bahamas 2008_ was etched into the bottom right corner.

"It's pretty," she offered. "But we'll have to take a picture to put in it. It doesn't make sense to have a picture of something else in it or just an empty frame."

"We'll get a picture of us here to put it in," he corrected.

She smiled at his insistence. "Okay."

He pecked her lips again. "Okay."

Five minutes later the frame was paid for, packaged and safely tucked into a plastic bag Derek carried with his free hand. His other hand was securely in Meredith's as they continued along the beach. As they passed the bars, the dance music began to fade, only to be replaced by a softer tune. The throngs of beach dwellers began to thin, until Meredith could see a small gathering of dressed up people in the distance, almost all facing the same direction. She smiled as they got closer still and she was able to recognize the scene as a small wedding. The bride and groom were facing each other at the front of the small crowd, saying their vows.

Not wanting to be intrusive, Meredith came to a stop just close enough that she could see, but not so close that would be considered spying. Derek's strong arms wrapped around her waist from behind and his chest pressed up against her back. The marrying couple were smiling as they now exchanged rings. That would be Meredith and Derek soon. They had gotten sidetracked during their attempts to wedding plan earlier that afternoon, but would need to sit down at some point soon and make some decisions.

Although, the scene before them seemed pretty perfect, she had to admit. Getting married on the beach at sunset in the Bahamas? Pretty awesome.

Pretty perfect, actually, she had to admit. They wouldn't have to worry about dresses and tuxes. Or Venues.

No guest lists. No stress. No deciding on napkins and cutlery.

No waiting.

Her heart thudded against her chest. She _had_ told Derek weeks ago that the concept of eloping appealed to her...

The wedding crowd started clapping as the newly married couple kissed, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. Derek's chin was resting on her shoulder and she could practically feel his heartbeat through her back.

She turned in his arms, preparing to broach the subject, but the expression on his face silenced her.

He cocked his head, his lips curled into a full fledge McDreamy smile and his eyes sparkled. "You wouldn't happen to be thinking what I'm thinking?" He murmured.

She hooked her hands behind his neck. "I think I am."


	93. Season 4

_**AN: Thanks for the awesome feedback from the last chapter! That being said, you may start reading this chapter and wonder if you've missed a chapter. You haven't. Just keep reading and it'll make sense. Also, as we are now back in the land of season 4, I want to repeat that I am not affiliated with the show and am only borrowing the characters and some of the storylines.**_

"Stupid plane," Meredith muttered from the passenger seat of Derek's car as he hurried to get her to the hospital on time to greet her new interns. "Stupid pilot."

"I don't really see how it's the pilot's fault all the planes were grounded because of a storm," Derek commented.

"Whatever. Stupid weather. Stupid airline. Stupid trip."

"Stupid trip?" He sent her a look. "I happen to think it was a wonderful trip. Best trip of my life."

Despite her anxiety at being late on her first day as a resident because their flight home from the Bahamas had been significantly delayed to the point where they hadn't actually made it home yet and were driving straight from the airport to the hospital, Meredith smiled. It had definitely been the best trip of her life too. "Fine. Not stupid trip. But stupid everything else. Today is going to suck. And it's funny, because at first I was pissed the new interns' first shift was only thirty-six hours, and now I wish it was two." She had only gotten an hour or two of sleep on the plane after spending most of a day at the airport. Spending the next thirty-six hours supervising brand new doctors was not something she was looking forward to.

"It'll be over before you know it."

She glared at him.

"Okay," he relented, "It won't. But I'll drive you home when it's over and you can sleep for a day and a half." The interns were all given the day following the end of their first shift off to recover, as were the supervising residents in an effort to keep them on the same schedule for the first week.

"Can't we just fast forward until then?" She whined as Derek pulled into the hospital parking lot. "I'm exhausted already."

"Unfortunately my powers don't extend beyond the ability to save lives and make sexy interns, who at first want nothing to do with me, eventually fall in love with me."

She giggled. "That's a power, huh?"

"My favourite one."

"Just make sure you don't use it on any interns anymore."

"Only residents now," he promised, pulling the car up to the front doors of the hospital to drop her off.

She glared at him.

He chuckled. "Resident," he corrected. "Just one."

"That's better." She leaned across the consol to kiss him.

"Good luck with the interns," he offered. "And congratulations."

"Congratulations?"

"You're a resident."

She beamed. "I am. It's kind of awesome. I'm not at the bottom of the pack anymore."

"Nope."

She took a breath. "This is going to be a better year. Stress free. I've decided."

"I'm not entirely certain you can just decide something like that."

"Aren't you supposed to be supportive?"

He chuckled. "Go to work. I'm sure I'll catch up with you at some point."

She leaned across the consol to kiss him again. "I love you."

"I love you too."

With one last smile, Meredith pushed open the door and hurried into the hospital. Even after two weeks away, she felt like she hadn't been gone for a moment as soon as she set foot on the surgical floor. The hustle and bustle of the hospital swirled around her as she made her way to the Residents' lounge, glad now that the Chief had instructed them to move their belongings from the intern locker room on their last day before vacation.

By the time she pushed through the door, her friends were already dressed in their scrubs, prepared for the day.

"Where have you been?" Cristina asked.

"The Chief is almost done with his introductory presentation in OR 2," Izzy added. "You have about a minute to get ready."

"The plane was late," she offered as she pulled scrubs out of her cubby and began changing, despite the crowd in the room. "Really, really late. We were supposed to be home yesterday afternoon." She pulled her jeans off and replaced them with scrub pants, before doing the same with her top. Her lab coat was next, though the new embroidered name _Dr. Meredith Grey_ caused her to frown.

Moving some money from her jeans to her scrubs and grabbing her ID tag, she turned to her friends, her eyes falling first on Cristina. "How are you?"

Cristina glared at her. "I'm fine."

"But-"

"I'm fine," she repeated. "Let it go."

Izzy offered Meredith a sympathetic look and motioned towards Cristina, telling Meredith she was okay. "Okay." She hesitated. "I, uh, have to-" _tell you something_ was cut off as the door opened and Callie stuck her head in.

"It's time."

"Cristina," Meredith called, hoping to at least have a moment with her best friend, but Cristina ignored her and left the room first, eager to begin the intern torture.

"She's okay," Izzy verbalized. "And she's made it very clear that she doesn't want to talk about Burke or the wedding or anything in the hospital."

"Is he here?"

"Oh," Izzy paused. "You haven't heard."

"Heard what?"

"Burke quit," Alex spoke up. "Gave his resignation and took off."

Meredith sighed. "Crap."

"Whatever. People leave. That's life," Alex muttered, before following in Cristina's footsteps and leaving the room.

"Everyone is so bright and shiny this morning," Meredith stated sarcastically. "We're residents. That should count for something, right?" She glanced at Izzy and George, debating. She had wanted to tell Cristina first, but if her best friend was going to avoid her, she may as well-

"Guys, seriously," Callie demanded, once again at the door. "Interns are waiting."

Meredith sighed. Her news would have to wait.

Callie pointed her in the direction of three nervous looking interns in crisp white lab coats. She forced her personal thoughts to the back of her mind and strode up to the interns. "I have five rules. Memorize them."

* * *

Only a few hours into her shift and Meredith was ready to go home. The three doctors following her around like lost puppies was already grating on her patience – even if she had instructed them to follow her. She had come into contact with Cristina twice, but both times her best friend had refused to talk. She had also bumped into Izzy, Alex and George, but hadn't been able to say two words.

She ran her hand through her hair as she escorted her interns through the halls. She was exhausted already, and wondered how she was going to keep going for another thirty hours.

"Dr. Grey, where are we going?"

"Coffee," she replied without slowing down. "You'll learn to rely on it very quickly." She reached into her pocket and pulled out the two dollar bills she had grabbed from her jeans as she changed. She stopped and held them up. "Always carry enough money for a coffee. You never know what's going to happen and you could find yourself with only a minute of free time and a massive need for caffeine. You don't want to not be able to get a coffee because you don't have time to get back to your locker."

Three heads nodded as her interns wrote her advice in their notepads.

She started walking again and there was a delay before she heard the tell-tale scuffs of her interns hurrying to catch up. Deciding against taking them to the coffee cart – because she was sure none of them had money on them and she would feel guilty for being the only one getting a drink – she took a detour through the General Surgery ward and left her interns to evaluate post-ops with very specific instructions that they were not to make any decisions and were to page her if there were any problems.

Once she had her coffee, she headed for the tunnels, somehow knowing that's where her friends were hiding. And she was right.

Alex, Izzy, Cristina and George were sitting on a gurney, in that order.

"Hey, Mer," George called as she approached.

"Hey," she responded, standing in front of the gurney. "Finally. I feel like I've been chasing you guys all morning."

"How was your trip?" George asked.

"It was great. Actually something happened that I need to tell you about-"

"We don't need to hear about you getting McDreamied in the Bahamas," Cristina cut her off.

"That's not exactly what I was going to say."

"Fun, single stories only," Cristina stated. "Right?"

Izzy laughed and nodded, knocking her knuckles against Cristina's. "That's right." She turned to Meredith. "Mer, we found the best bar ever after you left. You should have seen it. Tons of cute boys. And they made mojitos that were to die for. Fresh mint and everything."

"Sounds great," Meredith commented, "But seriously, guys, I-"

"You know what time it is?" Cristina cut her off, her voice high and practiced.

"Mojito time!" Izzy called, this time giving Cristina a high five.

Alex glanced at Meredith, sending her an amused glance, as if saying _now we're the normal ones_.

"Okay, seriously," Meredith repeated. "It's important-"

"How are your interns?" Cristina asked. "Did you give them the Bailey speech? I did. I was awesome."

"Oh, I rocked it," Alex answered first. "I'm the new Nazi."

"You're so not the new Nazi. I am."

"You people are both pathetic," Izzy shot at them, before sighing. "Mine was hideous. I feel like a fraud."

"I got rule three and four mixed up," George admitted. "And they don't make as much sense that way." He sighed. "I hope Bailey doesn't find out."

"How did you do, Mer?" Izzy asked.

Meredith blinked as she tried to calm down. Were they purposefully sabotaging her every attempt to tell them something? Or were they just caught up in their first days as residents? "Fine. It went fine. But I really have to tell you guys something. It's important." She took a breath. "Derek and I -"

"Hey!" Cristina shouted, her attention down the hall at a group of approaching interns. "This area is for residents only!"

"Yeah!" Izzy echoed.

"Get out of here," Alex added. "You're double-oh-sevens in training."

Once the interns had disappeared around the corner, Cristina jumped off the gurney, preparing to leave. "I have to get back. I left my interns trolling for surgeries."

"Can you just wait a freaking moment? I need to tell you something."

Cristina sighed, making Meredith feel like it was a heavy, heavy burden to give her thirty seconds of time. "Meredith, seriously. No one wants to hear about your dreamy vacation."

"That's not exactly what I was-"

"There are more important things going on today."

"It's important," Meredith insisted, knowing her best friend would be angry if she heard the news from someone else.

"I don't have time for your relationship drama."

"_My_ relationship drama," Meredith countered before she had a moment to think about her words. "I seem to remember dropping everything to deal with _your_ relationship drama."

"Whatever. Are we done?"

Though she knew her best friend was probably still reeling from Burke's abandonment, and now disappearance, Meredith ran out of patience. She had done the Maid of Honour thing for Cristina even after Susan died and she had almost given up her vacation with Derek to fly to Hawaii. Not to mentioned all the other times she had been there for her best friend. She deserved a moment of Cristina's time.

"You know what? Whatever. Obviously my news doesn't freaking matter. Heaven forbid my friends can give me thirty freaking seconds of time." She turned on her heel and stormed down the hall to the elevator.

* * *

Still frustrated with her inability to tell her friends her news, Meredith was relieved to be paged to the pit, hoping it would lead to a long surgery she could use as a distraction. However, when she rounded up her interns and got to the pit, she was annoyed to find her friends had been paged as well.

"Are you okay?" Izzy asked as they waited for Callie's instructions. "You seemed kind of pissed when you took off."

"Oh, so you noticed that?" She responded without turning her head. And then she sighed, regretting snapping at her friend. She was exhausted already, had a marathon shift still ahead of her and was overly frustrated with her inability to share her news with her friends. She didn't need to add to the stress by creating more conflict. And really, this wasn't Izzy's fault.

"Someone's in a good mood."

"Sorry," she offered. "I just...thought today would be different." She had been unsure of what Cristina's reaction may be to her news, but she at least thought her other friends would be happy for her, Izzy especially. She had never expected not to be able to say anything.

"What's your news?"

Meredith turned to her, appreciative that Izzy actually looked interested and willing to listen, but then she shook her head. They had the attention of six interns and were about to be sent to deal with traumas. This morning in the lounge had been a good time. The tunnels would have been a good time. Now was not a good time. She shook her head, and any further conversation was cut off when Cristina appeared between them.

"Are you still freaking out?" Cristina asked flatly, "Because if you are, I don't want to deal with you."

"I wouldn't be freaking out if you'd stop being you for a freaking moment."

"I have things to do today, Meredith."

"I had things to do two weeks ago," she countered. "I had another plane to catch and I still went with you. I had other things to do when I did the Maid of Honour stuff for you, and hid your secrets from Burke and kept your mother away from you when you were in the hospital. I had better things to do when I stood up for you when every other person in this hospital found out you had been hiding Burke's tremor. I've been there for you a hundred freaking times and all I wanted from you today was a freaking moment."

"Whatever."

Meredith sighed, reminding herself that her friend was hurting. Whereas Meredith's relationship had flourished, Cristina's was over. That meant Cristina needed her more than the other way around. "I am sorry about Burke."

Cristina ignored her.

"Want me to kick his ass?"

Cristina released a laughing breath this time. "Maybe."

Callie jumped in front of them and began barking out orders for the incoming MVC.

Meredith showed her interns how to prepare for a trauma situation, and then led them outside to meet the ambulances.

Cristina immediately took the first patient, but Meredith was in line for the second – a pregnant woman with a severed arm. With her interns watching, she helped Bailey with the initial assessment.

"Okay, Grey, get her inside and page Sloan."

Meredith nodded at her former resident and motioned for her interns to head inside. She followed behind, pushing the gurney with the paramedics.

She was stopped, however, by a wide-eyed young intern with dark brown hair.

"Are-are you Meredith Grey?"

"Yeah," Meredith responded, trying to push past the stationary intern who was preventing her from getting her patient into the hospital.

"I'm Lexie."

"Great. Move," she demanded.

"Lexie Grey," the intern clarified. "I'm your sister."

Meredith felt like she was punched in the gut. _Lexie Grey_. The name was familiar now. Susan had mentioned her eldest daughter several times. And now that daughter was staring at Meredith, expectant.

"I..." She stammered. She had known Leixe was supposed to start her internship this year, but not here. Not at Seattle Grace. Meredith hadn't expected to be working with her. Hell, after Susan died and she had been banned from the funeral by Thatcher, she hadn't ever expected to meet his other daughter. She couldn't do this; especially not now. "I have a patient," she snapped, pushing past Lexie Grey and moving into the hospital.

* * *

After dropping Meredith off at the front doors, Derek had parked his car and wandered sluggishly into the hospital himself. His two week vacation had been amazing, despite it's bad start, and he wasn't ready to be back at work yet, especially after spending the previous day in the airport and only getting a few hours of sleep on the plane. And to then be forced to drive straight to work. Though, he was thankful he was only on days this week, and would be able to go home that night. Meredith wouldn't be able to go home until the following night, and he felt horrible for her. Facing a ten hour shift right now was challenge enough; he couldn't imagine tagging another twenty-six hours onto it.

After ordering a coffee from the cart by the front door, he made his way to his office and spent the morning catching up on paperwork. It wasn't until early afternoon that his pager finally went off.

Pulling it off the waist band of his pants, Derek held it up to his eyes. Not a nine-one-one, but he was being called to the pit for a consult, and that could quickly turn into a surgery. He dropped the pager onto his desk and ran his hands through his hair before pushing his chair back and standing. Quickly, he stretched and donned his lab coat. His lips curled into a smile as he watched his hand reach for his pager.

Derek hurried down to the pit and was met by an ER resident who passed him a chart. "Hillary Weathers. 42. Hit by a car in a parking lot. She hit her head when she fell."

Derek offered the patient and her daughter, who was standing beside the bed with tears in her eyes, a comforting smile. "Hello, Ms. Weathers. I'm Dr. Shepherd. How fast was the car going?"

"Not that fast, but the bastard didn't even slow down. And the next thing I know I'm lying on the ground and he's out of the car screaming at me like it's my fault."

He offered her s sympathetic glance and stepped forward, pulling his pen light out of his pocket. "Look straight ahead." Her pupils were equal and reactive. "Has she been altered?" he asked the resident.

"She was a little confused. GCS of 14. And her daughter said she was unconscious right after the fall."

The daughter sniffed at this.

Derek smiled at her. "We're going to take good care of your mom." He turned back to the patient. "How is your pain?"

"My head hurts. The light doesn't make it any better."

"Dizzy?"

"I was. Not so much now."

"Nauseous?"

"Not anymore."

"Good." He nodded and made some notes. "Any other pain?"

"My arm." She nodded her head to the splinted arm on her lap. "I must have reached to stop the car or something."

"And where were you impacted?"

"My hip."

"It's bruising," the resident spoke up. "But she's able to move the joint. I've already got her in line for an x-ray for the hip and the arm."

"Good. Let's add a head CT to that just to make sure." He turned back to the patient. "Ms. Weathers, you probably have a mild concussion. I've ordered a CT just to make sure it's nothing more serious."

She nodded. "Thank you."

He offered her a smile and passed the chart back to the resident. "Page me when you get the results."

"Thanks, Dr. Shepherd."

"That's why I'm here," he responded, earning a laugh from the resident and the patient.

When he turned away from the patient, he spotted familiar dirty-blonde hair across the ER. Meredith was on the phone at the desk, facing away from him. With a smile he approached her.

She hung up and then jumped when she turned and realized he was right beside her.

"Hey," he breathed, "How's your day going?"

She leaned into him with a sigh. "Can we just go back to the Bahamas? I liked it better there.

"That good, huh?" He pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

"I have a patient with a severed arm, and no one seems to be able to find it. My friends are pissing me off. And..." She trailed off with an angry sigh. "And this year was supposed to be better than last year and already – _already,_ Derek, on only the first day – I'm in hell. It was supposed to be better. Less stressful. _You_ agreed it was supposed to be better. Why do these things keep happening to me?"

Derek felt his brow furrow, wondering what could have gone wrong since he had last seen her early that morning. "Meredith..."

She sighed again. "You'll never guess who's doing her freaking internship _here_."

"Who?"

Before Meredith could respond, a dark haired intern arrived beside them, flustered and already rambling. "Hey, I'm, uh, sorry about before. I just...was s-so nervous about meeting you. But...don't block the ER doors. I know that now. So that's a...a good lesson."

Meredith stared at her for moment, before shaking her head. "I have a severed arm I need to find, so unless you have it, I have to go." And she strode away.

Derek watched her go, still wondering what could possibly have happened to put her in this mood.

"She hates me. My sister hates me," the intern said, pulling Derek's attention away from Meredith's retreating form.

"What?"

"She hates me."

He shook his head. "No, I meant, your sister?"

She nodded.

"Meredith is your sister?"

She nodded again. "My half-sister."

He exhaled, now completely able to understand Meredith's mood and subsequent reaction. After being devastated time and again trying to do the family thing – with her own family, that is – and having no warning for this, Meredith's reaction was understandable. He cleared his throat. "So, you must be Lexie?"

She looked at him in surprise. "Yes. That's... How do you know my name?"

He shrugged. "Well, if you're Meredith's half sister that would make you my half sister in law."

"You're...Meredith's husband?"

He nodded, unable to prevent the smile from taking over his face. "Derek Shepherd," he said, offering his hand.

She shook. "Lexie Grey. I...I didn't know Meredith was married. My dad...he won't talk about her."

Ignoring the mention of Thatcher, Derek nodded. "Yeah, it's...new." He glanced in the direction Meredith had disappeared. "I should go and-"

"Wait. Shepherd." She pulled a small notebook out of her pocket and checked her notes. "Dr. Yang just sent me to find you. She said it was really important."

With a sigh, he nodded and followed her to an exam room. Cristina was waiting impatiently. "Took you long enough," she snapped at Lexie, before turning to Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, we have a situation."

He nodded in understanding as his eyes fell on the x-ray and he stepped forward for a better look.

"The back of his skull is completely disconnected from his first cervical vertebrae."

"He's been internally decapitated. Holly crap," Cristina responded now that she had confirmation from Derek that she had been seeing what she had thought.

"Ninety percent of these die in the field."

"And the other ten percent?" Lexie asked.

"I've never seen one," he said honestly. And hadn't expected to. It was a rare injury, not to mention the fact that so few made it to the hospital. And of that few, only about two percent survive.

"There's always a first time, though. Right?" Lexie asked. "I mean...he came back from the dead."

Derek glanced at her, trying to remember what if felt like to be so new to medicine.

"You know that expression _there's no such thing as a stupid question_?" Cristina spoke up, glaring at her intern. "It's not valid here. If you have nothing intelligent to say, keep your mouth shut."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Yang," Lexie said quickly. "I'm just...having one of those days. I met my sister, which I already told you. But I saw her again and it didn't go much better. And then I found out I had a brother in law," so motioned to Derek, "And I'm just trying to stay out of my head, you know?"

Cristina stared at her. "Brother in law?" She glanced at Derek. "Did you tell her that? You're getting a little ahead of yourself, don't you think?"

Lexie spoke before Derek could. "You're not married? You said you were her husband?"

"I am," he turned back to Cristina. "Meredith didn't tell you?"

Cristina stared at him for a long moment. Her eyes flickered to his left hand, and then she turned away. "I'll go book the OR," she called on her way out the door.

Derek sighed. "Well, that went well."


	94. Chapter 94

_**AN: Thanks for all the awesome feedback from the last chapter. That being said, however, I never meant for Cristina to be so hated...lol. Don't hate her too much. She's still Meredith's person; she's just going through a tough time.**_

"I'm trying to save Bambi's life and my interns think I'm a loser," Izzy announced as she pushed through the door of the procedure room Meredith was working in, preparing her patient's severed arm to be reattached. "Ooh, severed arm."

Meredith looked up. "I heard a nurse say something about a deer?"

"Yup. I have my own personal Bambi. Poor thing got hit by a car. The guy who found the arm brought it here. He wants to eat it. And I cannot sit back and let it die with his kid staring at me with those pleading eyes."

"No offense, Iz, but that might be why your interns think you're a loser."

"Whatever. How's the arm?"

"Good. Sloan said he could reattach it. I'm just cleaning it up."

"Great. Want to help me with Bambi after?"

"Nope. I'll be in surgery."

Izzy sighed, as if she hadn't expected support, and the door opened again before she could complain.

"Callie's a bitch," Alex announced as he entered the room. "She won't let me off my patient even though there's nothing wrong with him other than he's a nut job." He strode up to Meredith and Izzy. "Huh, severed arm."

"Want to help me with my deer?" Izzy asked.

Alex sent her a look that said everything.

Izzy glared back at him before turning to Meredith. "And how are you? Feeling better?"

Meredith sighed. "I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. Both of you," she corrected, glancing at Alex too.

"When was this?" Alex asked.

Izzy huffed at him. "In the tunnels this morning. Catch up."

Alex shrugged. "I just assumed it was some chick crap. I try not to get involved."

Meredith had to laugh. "There's nothing to be involved in. I just wanted to say something."

"Like I said; if I listen, then I'm involved and-"

"It's nothing bad," Meredith said, cutting him off with a laughing huff, knowing Alex was pushing her buttons on purpose. "Why would you automatically assume what I had to say was bad?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Because it's you."

She glared at him. "Whatever. I've been there for all of you when you've needed someone to talk to you."

This made him smile. "Fine, Mer, what's your news?"

Meredith glanced at Alex and Izzy, who both seemed genuinely interested. Maybe this was her opportunity. "Derek and I-"

The door slammed open. "You got married?" Cristina exclaimed, standing in the doorway.

Meredith sighed. This was what she had been afraid might happen.

"You what?" Izzy cried.

"We got married," Meredith confirmed.

"Will you tell me why I had to find out through your sister?" Cristina demanded.

"She's not my sister."

"Derek seems to think she is. She was even calling him her brother-in-law."

"What? Why would she-"

"Back up," Izzy cut her off. "You got married? And what sister?"

Meredith sighed. "Apparently my half-sister is Cristina's intern."

"Who I had to hear the news from," Cristina cut in.

"And whose fault is that?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Meredith seethed. "What do you think I've been trying to tell you all freaking day?"

The door opened again and George stepped in. "Sloan is ready for the arm," he stated, and then narrowed his eyes at the scene before him. "Okay, what did I miss?"

"Nothing," Meredith muttered, wrapping the arm in sterilized drapes. She was exhausted and completely thrown off by Lexie's presence in her hospital. Was it really too much to ask that her friends could offer her some gesture of being happy for her? A hug. A smile. A congratulations. Anything. "Absolutely freaking nothing." Carrying her patient's arm, she left the room.

George, who was also working on her patient, hurried after her as she headed down the hall to the OR, where her interns were already waiting. She passed them the arm with instructions to unwrap it carefully.

"Are you ready, Nancy?" She asked her patient, who was scared and trembling on the table. The fear wouldn't help her or her baby get through the surgery.

She shook her head. "No. I'm scared. I can't do this."

"It's just like going to sleep," Meredith tried to soothe.

"I don't want to be alone anymore," Nancy cried, clutching to Meredith's arm. "I don't want to do any of this alone."

"I know." She squeezed her patient's arm.

"I'm scared, Meredith."

"I know," she repeated. "But I think it's very brave; what you're doing." Nancy had told her earlier that she had decided to stop waiting for the right man and have a baby on her own, despite her family's views on those things. "You decided to stop waiting for life to happen to you and did something that you really wanted. You're going to be an excellent mother. Let us take care of your arm. And the rest..." She offered Nancy a warm smile. "Good things happen when you least expect them."

Nancy nodded and seemed to calm at Meredith's words.

Meredith nodded to the anaesthesiologist, who put the patient under.

With a sigh, Meredith glanced at her interns, who were staring at the severed arm in awe, and then headed into the scrub room to sterilize for the surgery.

George was already there, scrubbing his hands. He offered her a concerned look. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'm having a bad day."

"Okay."

She grabbed a pick and started scraping the undersides of her nails. "My half-sister is Cristina's intern, and I had no idea until today that she was coming here. And now Cristina is mad at me for something that's not my fault. And Izzy and Alex may be too."

"What did you do to them?" He asked jokingly.

She mock glared at him. "I didn't do anything to them. I did something that makes me happy, and Cristina wouldn't let me tell her, and now she's mad because she found out through...well, Lexie."

"That's the half-sister?"

Meredith nodded.

"Is this the thing you were trying to tell us earlier?"

She nodded again, sending him a look.

He laughed. "Hey, can I remind you that I was listening both times. Neither were my fault."

She laughed too. He was absolutely right. The first time only Cristina and Alex had ignored her. She would have been able to tell Izzy and George had Callie not interrupted them. And the second time George had been the only one not to cut her off. "You're right. Sorry."

"You can tell me now, especially since everyone else apparently already knows..."

She threw her pick into the garbage and turned to him. "Okay. But you have to promise to at least pretend to be happy for me, because I really need a pick-me-up."

"Cross my heart," he said easily, turning away from the sink and holding his dripping arms in front of him.

"Derek and I got married in the Bahamas."

George stared at her, obviously taken by surprise.

"We didn't want to wait," she explained. "And we were there and we saw this wedding on the beach that looked perfect. And we looked into it, and the resort said they'd take care of all the details; we just needed to get the marriage license. And we did. And...we got married on the beach at sunset on Thursday. And we're happy." She paused. "And now you have to pretend to be happy for me, because you promised."

George smiled and stepped forward, and before she knew it he was hugging her. "Congratulations, Meredith."

She hugged him back, surprised to feel her eyes stinging. "Thank you. But when I said you had to pretend to be happy I didn't mean you had to de-sterilize your hands. You're going to have to rescrub."

"I'm not pretending," he stated, hugging her tighter and then releasing her. "And I don't care about having to scrub in again. It's worth it." He offered her a smile as they both turned to the sink to scrub in now. "It is good news. Very good. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks, George," she repeated, grateful that someone could be happy for her.

"Was Izzy pissed you didn't let her pick you out a dress?"

She smiled and shook her head. "I have no idea. Cristina found out and yelled at me in front of Izzy and Alex. And then you came in. And if she's mad at me then I'll just tell her Derek and I got the idea for eloping from you and Callie. Then she can be mad at you, or at least you and me."

He laughed and said sarcastically, "Thanks a lot."

"We thought about planning a wedding there and inviting people, but finding a time where everyone could get off work for long enough to fly there would take too long. We didn't want to wait."

"I get it," he stated. "I'm sure everyone will be happy for you once they've had time to think about it. What about Shepherd's family? Have you told them?"

"Not yet. Derek said he'd call them tonight. But I think they'll be okay with it. Derek promised me it would be okay. They're kind of awesome. And they liked me. And Derek said there had already been enough weddings. And his sister is getting married in a few months. So, they shouldn't mind. Plus, it's our wedding. Aren't we supposed to get married the way we want?"

"I'm not arguing with you. I did the same thing as you."

She sighed. "I know. I feel like having you agree with me somehow vindicates me or something."

"Your wedding is your choice," he stated. "Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it."

* * *

Her patient's surgery went as well as could be expected, other than George delivering the baby half-way through. But the arm was reattached and the baby was healthy. Meredith was grateful for that. The woman deserved good things in her life. She hadn't been lying when she told her patient that she would be an excellent mother.

"The-the baby," the patient mumbled, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. She had been sitting at the patient's bedside for an hour monitoring her post op stats.

"Hey, welcome back," Meredith said quietly, standing so the patient could see her better. "The surgery went very well."

"The baby," she repeated, reaching towards her abdomen with her good arm.

"You were having contractions during surgery," Meredith explained, "So we had to deliver the baby. But he's doing great."

"He's okay?"

"He's okay," she assured. "I'll have someone from OB bring him up to meet his mom in a few hours, okay?"

She nodded. "Thank you."

Meredith reached for her free hand and gave it a squeeze. "You're going to be okay. Your son is healthy and your arm will be good as new after some physiotherapy."

"I'm going to be okay," Nancy echoed in a whisper as she fell back to sleep.

Sitting back down, Meredith reached for the chart and made some notes. She was half-way through them when she felt someone staring at her. She lifted her head.

Izzy was staring at her from the doorway.

With a glance at her patient, Meredith stood and joined her friend in the hall.

"How could you possibly think I wouldn't be happy for you?" Izzy asked, arms crossed.

"You talked to George, didn't you?"

Izzy shrugged. "He may have said some things to me."

"Okay."

"So, you're married."

"Yes."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes."

Izzy smiled and held out her arms, stepping forward. "Congratulations, Meredith."

Meredith stepped into the hug. "Thanks, Iz."

"I'm sorry we didn't give you the chance to tell us earlier."

"It's okay."

"It's not. You're right. You've been here every time I've needed someone to talk to. You deserved your moment."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks."

Izzy smiled back, excited. "I'm really happy for you. Was it amazing?"

"Yeah, it kind of was." She had worn the purple dress she had bought in New York and Derek had worn slacks and a white button down. They had said their vows barefoot on the edge of the beach at sunset. Derek's eyes had sparkled as he said _I do_ and there hadn't been a doubt in her mind when she had said it back.

"Do you have pictures?"

"Not yet. The resort took care of all the details. They're sending them."

"Do you have rings?"

Meredith nodded, pulling the chain that hung around her neck out from under her scrub top. It didn't just carry her engagement ring anymore. The resort had referred them to a jewellery shop in the area and had purchased wedding bands there. Simple, platinum bands. No stones or extra designs.

Izzy took a look at the new addition. "Why aren't you wearing it?"

Meredith shrugged. "I'd have to move it back and forth every time I put gloves on. It's just easier. Plus, I wanted to be able to tell you guys before you saw anything."

"Are you going to change your name?"

"I...don't know," she admitted. "Part of me thinks it's old-fashioned and a sign of dependence. And yet there's this other part of me that wants to, you know? Like, why would I keep the name I got from the man who abandoned me and hates me, and not take the name of the man who loves me?"

Izzy nodded. "Makes sense. I don't think anyone will see you as not being independent if you change your name."

"Yeah..." Meredith sighed. "I have to think about it."

"What does Derek say?"

Meredith rolled her eyes. "He's annoyingly unhelpful. Says he doesn't want to give an opinion so he doesn't bias me. Says he'll support whatever decision I make."

Izzy laughed. "At least you know he means that. He's a good man and he wants you to be happy. He loves you."

Meredith smiled. "Sometimes I seriously wonder how I got so lucky."

"You deserve happiness, Mer. And you make him happy too. That's obvious to everyone."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks, Iz. For everything."

"Like I said, you're there for me too."

Meredith nodded. "I am. You're family."

"Okay, now I have to hug you again," Izzy said, hugging her, "You're all mushy today."

Meredith laughed and hugged her back. "I know. Blame Derek."

Izzy joined her in laughing. "You're my family too, Mer. And try not to worry about the rest of us. George is obviously happy for you. Alex is...Alex. And Cristina will be fine once she calms down. She's dealing with the Burke thing, and that makes her more self-absorbed than usual."

"I know. And she doesn't have to be happy for me. Not right now. If things had been the other way around; if she had gotten married and Derek took off..." She shook her head. "I would have been heartbroken and self-absorbed. And I don't know if I would have been able to be happy for her. But I wouldn't have been mad at her. So, she doesn't get to be mad at me."

"That's fair."

Meredith's pager went off. She pulled it off her waist band and smiled. "It's Derek."

Izzy smirked. "You mean your _husband_?"

Meredith couldn't help but smile. "Yeah. That's...so weird. But good weird."

* * *

The door to Derek's office was ajar when Meredith arrived. She pushed it open without pausing.

Derek was at his desk, dressed in street clothes. He looked up when the door opened, and smiled as he met her gaze.

"Hey," she offered.

"Hey," he echoed, standing a moving toward her. "How...are you?"

Meredith snaked her arms around his waist, and sighed when she was tucked up against his chest. "I'm sorry I took off earlier. I was having a bad day."

He chuckled. "So, I hear." He hugged her loosely, running his hand up and down her spine. "I didn't know Cristina didn't know. I thought you would have had a chance to tell her by the time I talked to her."

"Ah, so you spilled the beans," she said lightly, her way of telling him she wasn't mad. "I tried to tell her. She wouldn't let me. If she's mad that's on her."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and released her. "I heard about Burke."

"Yeah." She shook her head. "She won't talk about it. And now she's mad she didn't find out we got married from me, even though she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say all morning."

"She'll come around."

Meredith made a face. "This is one of those times where your optimism is annoying."

He laughed and pecked her lips. "Sorry. Do you want me to tell you she won't come around?"

"No." She sighed. "I just want to be happy without feeling guilty."

He kissed her again. "You can be happy. You have my permission."

She giggled. "I _am_ happy."

"Mmm, me too."

"Cristina will come around," she stated, echoing his earlier words. "Izzy and George are happy."

"That's good."

"Yeah..." She smiled at him, before sighing. "Now, despite all the happy, I might have a bone to pick with you..."

His eyes flickered. "What did I do now?"

"Cristina, in her ranting at me, said Lexie was calling you her brother in law?"

He nodded. "Well, _half_ brother in law."

She rolled her eyes. "Not the point."

"Then what's the point?"

"She shouldn't be calling you her brother in law. And you shouldn't be allowing her to."

He pursed his lips. "Technically-"

"No," she cut him off. "There is no technically. You're not her brother in law. She's not my sister. I'm an only child."

"But she is your sister."

"Derek."

"It's not her fault," he whispered, referring to everything that had happened with Thatcher. "She told me that she hadn't even known you existed until a couple months ago."

She sighed. Lexie's presence had knocked the wind out of her. And though rationally she knew Derek's words were true, she couldn't deal with it now. She already had a family, and trying to include people she was related to had only ended in disaster and heartache. "Derek, please. I just... Please."

Derek met her eyes for a long moment, before nodding. "Okay."

"Thank you." She sniffed, and his arms were around her in a heartbeat.

"I love you," he whispered. "And I will _always_ love you, Meredith. Forever. That's the deal."

"I love you too," she whispered back, clutching at the fabric of his top. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today."

He pressed his lips to her forehead. "You're exhausted."

She nodded, and then cocked her head. "You wouldn't happen to want to switch with me? You take my interns tonight so I can go home and sleep?"

Derek chuckled. "Nice try."

She huffed, pretending to be disappointed.

He pecked her lips. "Try and get some sleep tonight, get through tomorrow, and then you can go home and sleep for as long as you need."

"Okay." She smiled at him. "You know, even though the flight home completely screwed me over, I don't regret anything about our trip."

She was rewarded with a full fledged McDreamy smile. "Me neither."

She bit her lip and then spoke. "I can't believe we're married."

"Pretty unbelievable, huh?"

She nodded. "It's strange being back here and being married."

"Strange?"

"Good strange," she clarified.

"Good."

"Did you call your mom yet?"

He shook his head. "I tried her earlier, but she wasn't home. I'll call her tonight." He offered her a comforting smile in response to the expression in her face. "She's going to be thrilled."

"You're absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

He kissed her again, and groaned when her pager went off.

With a groan of her own, Meredith pulled the pager off her waist band and then sighed. "One of my interns. Probably needs to know how to find a pulse or something..."

He chuckled. "I should get going anyway. I just paged you to say goodbye."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "So, let me get this straight, you paged me to come to your office so you could gloat that you get to go home and I have to stay here for another day? Really? That doesn't sound very husbandly to me."

Prepared for him to backtrack, Meredith was surprised when Derek simply smirked and turned away from her. "Actually, I paged you to say goodnight _and_ to give you these," he explained, turning around with a large cup and a small paper bag.

"Coffee," he said, pressing the cup into her hands, "And a chocolate Danish," he said, pressing the bag into her other hand.

"You really do love me," she said lightly.

He nodded and kissed her one more time. "I'm sorry you don't get to come home tonight. But I thought these would help a little."

"Thank you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Is that husbandly enough for you?"

Meredith giggled and nodded. "Yes. So far, you're the perfect husband, even if it's only been four days..."

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Go save you interns. Or, rather, go save your patients from your interns."

"I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

"Bright and early. I'll even bring more coffee."


	95. Chapter 95

Meredith groaned when her pager went off for the eleventh time in the past six hours. With the ER quiet and her patients stable, she had first tried to crash in an on-call room at ten the night before, only to be paged the moment her head hit the pillow. After explaining to her panicking intern that the obviously breathing patient wasn't dead and simply had a disconnected lead, Meredith attempted sleep again at ten-thirty.

However, about fourteen minutes later she was paged again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

At a little after four in the morning, and Meredith had gotten less than an hour of sleep combined, and wouldn't be getting anymore.

"I'm sleeping!" She hissed into the dark as she wrenched her pager off of the waistband of her scrubs and stifled the urge to hurl it against the wall. "Stupid interns," she muttered, swinging her legs over the side of the small bed and jumping to her feet. Hopefully she could answer whichever ridiculous question her intern was asking, and get some sleep before rounds.

Unfortunately, she was very, very wrong.

She was paged by another intern before she even finished with the first. And by the time she finished with the second intern it was just about time for rounds. Almost twenty-four hours in, and she still had another twelve to go.

She'd reached a level of exhaustion she never wanted to experience again.

Callie paged her, and her fellow residents, with instructions to meet at the nurses' station on the surgical floor at 6:00AM for rounds.

Meredith groaned as she checked her watch. Eleven minutes until rounds. Just enough time to get a coffee. Reaching into her scrub pocket, she frowned, unable to find any money. She checked her other pocket, and then both lab coat pockets. And then she sighed heavily, remembering the espresso shot she had ordered at two-thirty in the morning when she had needed to supervise her intern doing sutures. In her exhaustion, she had forgotten to swing by her cubby to restock her pockets.

"Need some coffee money, Dr. Grey?" One of her interns, Dr. Green, asked, having obviously noticed her search. "I remembered what you said, and made sure to always have some with me."

Meredith shook her head, not able to bring herself to accept aid from her interns, regardless of how tired she was. Maybe she could sneak out of rounds for long enough to get to her cubby, or-

"Morning, Dr. Grey," Derek's familiar voice pulled her from her plans as he appeared in front of her, two large coffees in hand.

"Hey," she said in surprise, "You're early."

He kissed her on the cheek and passed one of the coffees into her waiting hand. "I have an early surgery."

"Thank you," she murmured, lifting her coffee to inhale the caffeine scented steam.

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

She sent him a look.

He chuckled. "Enough said. But you're two thirds of the way there."

"Says the man who got to go home last night."

"Hey, I brought you coffee."

"Just...go to your surgery."

He chuckled again. "I'll catch up with you afterwards."

Meredith smiled at him as he walked away, but her smile faded when her eyes flickered back to her interns and she realized she had their undivided attention.

"Was that Dr. Shepherd?" The same intern who had offered her coffee money questioned, as if they were friends.

Meredith stared back for a long moment, debating how to handle the question. _Yes, and we're obviously involved, but personal relationships with attendings are inappropriate._ Very do as I say and not as I do. _Yes, but it's okay, because he's my husband._ Too personal. "Yes," she eventually responded, along with a curt nod to communicate to her intern that further questions were not welcome.

Moving away from her interns, Meredith strode up to the nurses' station desk. "Morning, Tina," she greeted the nurse sitting on the other side of the desk.

"Morning, Dr. Grey," Tina responded easily, "Or is it Dr. Shepherd now?"

Meredith hesitated, caught off guard. Apparently the news had spread. "Uh...I don't..." She cleared her throat. "I haven't decided yet."

Tina smiled at her. "Then we'll go with Dr. Grey for now. What can I do for you?"

"Could you pass me a few charts so I can give my interns something to review before rounds?"

"Is three good?"

She nodded. "Thanks."

Tina pulled out three charts and passed them across the desk. "Here you go. Oh, and congratulations."

"Thank you," she repeated, momentarily setting down her coffee and then pulling the charts off the desk and striding back to her interns.

"Here," she told them, passing them each a chart. "Read. Memorize. You might be asked to present."

She sighed as she walked back to the desk, wondering how she was going to get through rounds, let alone the rest of her shift, when walking back and forth from her interns to the desk was a challenge. After snatching her large, steaming coffee from the desktop, Meredith turned and leaned against the desk. She inhaled the strong smell of coffee as she watched her interns panic to memorize an entire patient chart in only minutes. Part of her felt bad for them, but then she remembered how terrified she had been on her first day. This was how they would learn.

With six minutes to go until rounds, Alex showed up with his interns. He barked at them to stay by the wall before joining Meredith at the desk.

She nodded tiredly at him, annoyed that he looked rested. "Why do you look like you got sleep last night?"

He shrugged as he leaned against the desk beside her. "Because I did."

"I hate you. I got paged a hundred times."

"Interns?"

"Mmm-hmm."

He scoffed. "Just ignore them. They need to learn. It's sink or swim."

"You ignored their pages? It's their first shift, Alex."

"I didn't ignore them. I just made sure they knew I was serious about rule three."

She laughed. "You're horrible."

"Maybe."

She yawned, despite her efforts to suppress it, and leaned against Alex. "You are horrible," she repeated, "But right now I feel like you have a point."

"Just twelve more hours."

"You realize that's like a shift and a half for a normal person, right? And we've already worked twice that?"

"Normal's overrated."

"Yes, but it involves sleeping."

"It's not my fault you spent your vacation in bed _not_ sleeping."

"Alex!" She hissed, standing upright.

"What? Am I wrong?"

"Shut up." She took a sip of her coffee, avoiding meeting his eyes, because he wasn't wrong and there was nothing she could say to deny it.

He chuckled. "So."

"So," she echoed.

He bumped her shoulder. "You kind of took off earlier..."

"Yeah. I'm having a bad day...two days. And aren't you breaking your own rule to not get involved?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes you have to make an exception."

"I get an exception?"

"This time." He glanced sideways at her. "You're happy?"

She nodded.

"Are you going to make me look at wedding pictures?"

With a laugh, she shook her head.

"Does this mean I have to find somewhere else to live?"

She shook her head again. "Nope. We're going to move and leave the house to you guys."

"Then I'm happy for you."

Meredith giggled. "Does that mean if you had to move out or I made you look at wedding pictures that you wouldn't be happy for me?"

"It just means that I would be less happy for you..."

"You're an ass," she teased.

Alex shrugged, undeterred.

They fell silent, waiting as the final groups arrived, trying to seem prepared for the first grand rounds of the year.

George arrived next, followed quickly by Izzy. He joined Meredith and Alex at the desk, whereas Izzy remained with her interns, talking animatedly about something. Meredith had heard through the nurses that Izzy and her interns had actually saved the deer they had treated the day before.

Cristina arrived last, smooth and confident with less than a minute to spare.

"Do you think she made her interns wait around the corner with her so she would arrive exactly on time?" Alex whispered to her.

She giggled. "Probably."

"Definitely," George added. "I should have thought of that."

Cristina glanced at Meredith, and Meredith met her gaze. They stared back at each other until Callie strode, slightly flustered, into the center and announced the beginning of rounds.

They began in the direction Cristina had come from – no doubt part of Cristina's plan as well, as it put her in the front. Trusting her interns to keep up, Meredith caught up to her best friend, ignoring the wondering, wide-eyed glance from the brunette following Cristina. "Are you talking to me yet?"

Cristina scoffed. "You're the one that ran off last time we talked."

"We didn't talk," Meredith pointed out. "You yelled. That was about it. And I had to go; I had an arm."

"Whatever."

They arrived at the first patient room, forcing them to give up the conversation, at least momentarily.

"Who's presenting?" Callie asked.

Silence.

Meredith turned and glared at her interns, until the one with all the questions jumped as she realized she was holding the chart. "Come up here, Dr. Green," Meredith said quietly, taking pity on her nervous intern.

The intern slowly staggered past Meredith to the front of the group.

"It's okay," Meredith soothed, noticing the intern's slightly shaky hands. "You know what to say. Patient's name, age, condition and treatment plan."

"Uh, Jonathon Walters. Fifty-nine. Received a donor kidney three days ago."

Meredith nodded. "Post op day three from a kidney transplant," she corrected gently. "And condition?"

"Good."

Fighting the urge to roll her eyes, Meredith shot her a look. "Can you expand on _good_, Dr. Green?"

"Uh, the new kidney is doing well. No signs of rejection. Or infection. Labs are positive."

"And treatment plan?"

"Continue with post op antibiotics, heparin and anti rejection meds. Schedule the patient a meeting with a specialist to explain the rejection meds and get him on a program."

"Good. You can schedule that meeting after rounds."

Her intern nodded, relieved to be done.

"Great," Callie announced impatiently. "Maybe next time you can try talking loud enough that more than three people can actually hear you."

Meredith managed to bite back a smirk for the benefit of her intern, but couldn't bring herself to offer Dr. Green further support. Callie had a good point, and her intern had to learn. Meredith had received worse on rounds the year before.

They filed out of the room and headed for the next patient down the hall. Meredith caught up with Cristina again.

"So, are we going to talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about?"

"Are you seriously still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad."

"Could have fooled me."

They arrived at the next patient's room and entered first. Cristina's hand reached out and grasped onto Meredith's forearm. "I'm not mad," she repeated quietly. "I'm just... It took me by surprise."

Meredith saw a flash of pain in Cristina's eyes before her best friend released her arm and focussed on the patient as one of Alex's interns struggled through presenting for the first time. Cristina was hurting, despite her valiant attempt to mask the pain. Burke had forced her into a big wedding and had then proceeded to leave her at the church wearing the wedding dress, before disappearing. Of course she wouldn't want to hear about Meredith's vacation with Derek. And of course she would be caught off guard when she found out Meredith had gotten married on that vacation.

Meredith couldn't begin to imagine what she would feel like if the circumstances were reversed.

Alex's intern finished stammering through his presentation without any help from his resident. Callie glared at the intern and then Alex before leading the procession to the next patient.

"I'm sorry," Meredith told Cristina now that they were moving again.

"I don't want to talk about Burke."

"I'm not talking about Burke. I'm sorry you didn't find out about me and Derek from me. I mean, it's not my fault I didn't tell you, because I tried and you wouldn't let me, but I'm still sorry."

"I want you to be happy," Cristina responded, not glancing in Meredith's direction as if brushing her off. But her tone of voice gave her away. She was happy for Meredith, even if she couldn't say it right now. She was doing the best she could.

Meredith bumped Cristina's shoulder as they walked down the hall together, leading their interns. "You can't say it, can you?"

"Say what?" Cristina asked, guarded, as if she wasn't sure how far Meredith would push the issue.

"That you're sorry," Meredith said lightly.

Cristina shot her a look.

"You knew I had something to tell you, and you avoided me on purpose. You left the room and cut me off all morning. You definitely owe me an apology," she joked, knowing it was what Cristina needed. If the situation were reversed, Meredith would need Cristina to move on quickly and not hold a grudge.

"I was busy," Cristina shot back.

"Fine. But you yelled at me when you found out from someone else. That deserves an apology."

They reached the next patient, and Cristina used it as an excuse not to respond.

One of Izzy's interns presented, with their resident standing beside them giving constant feedback and encouragement.

"You can't physically say the words, can you?" Meredith hissed at Cristina after Izzy's intern was finished and Callie began leading them to the next patient.

"I can if I need to."

"I don't believe it. I've never heard you apologize before. Ever."

"I don't screw up."

"You screwed up this time."

"I did not."

"Did so."

"Did not."

Callie spun around and shot them a dirty look. "Can you _try_ and act mature this morning, for the patients at the very least?" She hissed, effectively shutting both Meredith and Cristina up for the remainder of rounds.

* * *

Meredith was smiling when rounds concluded. The caffeine from her coffee was kicking in, her friends were happy for her, she was a resident and she was married.

That was a pretty good combination, even if she had only gotten a few hours sleep in the past forty-eight hours with at least another twelve before she could get some sleep. She was a married resident with good friends and caffeine in her veins. She could handle anything.

"Meredith?" A soft voice – one she recognized immediately despite her unwillingness – sounded from right beside her.

"Mmm?" She responded, noncommittally, not even turning away from the computer screen that held the scans she was studying. She had been assigned to a pre-op, and had sent her interns to gather lab results.

"I, uh, was hoping we could talk," Lexie stammered. "I know yesterday didn't go so well...I blocked the ER doors and got in your way when you were looking for your arm- Not _your_ arm. I meant your patient's arm." She laughed nervously. "Obviously you know where your arms are. I just thought that maybe now was a better time."

Meredith sighed and spun the desk chair so that she was facing the half sister she had just met the previous day. "It's not."

"Oh. Okay. You're busy. I get that. I mean, you're a resident. Of course you're busy. Do you think you'll be...not busy later? Or tomorrow. I'm off tomorrow. Maybe you are too? We could have lunch?"

"Tomorrow's not good either."

"Oh. I thought Dr. Webber said all of the second year residents are off tomorrow too."

"We are. It's just not a good time."

"Okay. Do you think maybe-"

"I don't think there's going to be a good time," Meredith said quietly but firmly.

"N-never?"

She shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"But you're my sister. I'm you're my sister. We're...sisters."

"But I don't know you. You don't know me. We're not sisters, Lexie. We're not family. If we were we wouldn't have met for the first time yesterday."

"But..."

"Just because we share some DNA doesn't make us family."

"Oh." She sounded crestfallen.

Meredith sighed, feeling guilty, despite the fact that none of this was her fault. But she felt bad for Lexie, because it Derek was right; it wasn't Lexie's fault either. If anyone was at fault, it was Thatcher. "I have a family. And you have a family. Let's just leave it at that, okay?"

"Okay," Lexie said quietly, her eyes flickering away from Meredith's. She remained, uncertain, for a moment, and then turned and walked away.

Meredith turned back to her patient's scans, ignoring the burning sense of guilt in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't get involved. She had been hurt by too many people in the last year. She didn't need to give the universe more opportunity to cause her pain.

With a firm nod, Meredith reminded herself that she had everything she needed. A family that consisted of supportive friends and a wonderful man who chose to be a part of her life. She didn't need or want someone in her life who felt obligated to know her and would stick around just long enough to hurt her.

She reached for the two rings that now hung on the chain around her neck. The metal was cool as she closed her hand around them both. They made her feel safe. Secure. Loved. She had everything she needed. She didn't need a sister.


	96. Chapter 96

_**AN: Sorry about the delay. My real life kind of demanded some attention for a while there. I'm going to do my best to keep updating regularly, but I can't see life settling down until the end of October.**_

_**

* * *

**_

Derek tore his eyes away from the OR Board at the sound of a throat clearing. Turning his head, he spotted Mark beside him, appearing grumpier than usual.

"Hey," he greeted evenly. "Haven't seen you around since I got back." It was Wednesday morning, and he had been back at work since driving straight from the airport to the hospital Monday morning.

Mark shrugged. "Didn't want to be around the new interns."

"This is a teaching hospital," Derek pointed out.

"But that's not why I'm here."

Derek sighed, knowing why Mark had come to Seattle, and with that knowledge, knowing why he was grumpier than normal. He had been surprised when he had returned to Seattle after two weeks to discover his ex-wife had moved on. From the Chief's curt explanation, Derek understood Addison had moved to Los Angeles to work with their old friends, Sam and Naomi. Though he had always expected Addison's presence in Seattle to be temporary, he hadn't expected her to leave so suddenly. And he hadn't stopped to consider how Mark would feel about that.

"So," he prompted, "Are you going to L.A.?"

Mark shook his head. "It's not going to happen."

"I've listened to you complain about Seattle since you showed up."

"You've barely talked to me since I showed up," Mark countered.

"Doesn't mean I haven't had to listen to you whine."

"I don't whine."

"You whine. Like a little girl, you whine."

"You're the girl."

"Nice comeback."

"You're the one who resorted to name calling."

Derek chuckled and shook his head, amused that they could fall back into an old routine so easily. It had happened a few times before Derek had gone on vacation, and now he felt like he wanted his friend back. "So, what you're telling me is you left New York, which you love, to follow her to Seattle, which you hate, but you won't follow her to L.A.?"

"Pretty much."

"L.A. would be good for you. It's a plastic surgeon's dream."

"Funny."

"You'd get lots of business."

"I make more money for this hospital than you do. Webber said twice as much. I'm so good people from all over are willing to travel as far as they need to come to me, despite the cost."

"I save lives," Derek countered. "And I don't choose my patients based on their annual income."

"You're just jealous that Webber likes me better than you."

"Never going to happen. Webber can't stand you."

"Whatever you say. I'm staying in Seattle."

"It's okay if you want to go after her," Derek told him honestly. "I've moved on."

"So has she. And so am I. I tried to make it work, but it's not going to happen."

Derek hesitated before pushing the issue. They weren't quite back in the friend zone yet, but he still wanted the plastic surgeon to be happy, even if it was with his ex-wife. "It really is okay. You came here for her and-"

"I didn't come here for her."

"But-"

"I didn't come to Seattle for Addison. I came here for you; to get you back."

Derek sent him a look in time to see Mark sigh and shake his head. "I know. I want to take it back now, but I already said it, so..." He trailed off with a nervous laugh.

Derek chuckled. "So, we're pretending you didn't say it?"

"I'd appreciate that." Mark cleared his throat. "How was your big vacation? Did Grey survive the family?"

"She did great; they loved her." He paused. "Lauren's engaged."

"What?" Mark had been there too, a decade ago, when Derek's sister had been stuck in an abusive relationship. He was almost as protective as Derek.

Derek nodded. "She's engaged," he repeated. "His name's Nathan. He seems like a good guy."

Mark released a breath. "If you're sure. If not, just say the word, and I'll fly out there with you to kick his ass."

"I don't think that'll be necessary. Lauren wouldn't let things get that bad again."

"Was he there?"

Derek nodded. "I promised her I'd give him a chance. And she's my sister, so technically no one is good enough for her, but she's happy. That's what counts. They're getting married in the fall."

Mark raised an eyebrow. "You better hurry up and make your own plans, or your little sister is going to be married before you."

Derek started at Mark's joke, realizing the plastic surgeon hadn't heard his news yet. "Yeah, about that...I know I said you'd be invited, but-"

"No problem," Mark said quickly, cutting him off, "If you and Grey don't want me there, that's fine. I understand. I have a lot of ground to make up."

"That's not it. You would have been invited. If we'd decided to plan a venue or something, you would have been invited. But we went with a much less stressful, and much faster, choice." He raised his left hand for emphasis.

Mark stared at his hand for a moment and then smiled. "You eloped? Congratulations."

Derek smiled and nodded. "Yes. Thank you."

"Is this a hug or handshake moment?"

Derek chuckled. "After your little comment, I think we should stick to a handshake."

Mark shook his hand and then clapped him on the shoulder. "This is fantastic. I'm happy for you, man. Grey's good for you."

"She is."

"Where is she?"

"At home. Sleeping. She's been out since I drove her home last night."

"Right. I guess she had to supervise the interns for their first shift."

Derek nodded. "Thirty-six hour shift. And to make it worse, our flight home was delayed on Sunday. We didn't land until Monday morning. She was up for about sixty hours." He chuckled. "I tried to wake her up to say goodbye this morning. She mumbled something at me that I couldn't understand, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what words she used."

Mark laughed. "Remember our first shift with interns?"

"I remember being extremely annoyed by their questions. And I happen to remember answering your interns too because you ignored them and jumped on a surgery."

Mark shrugged. "And I happen to remember you wanted in on that surgery too and I beat you."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"You were never good at accepting defeat."

Derek's pager went off before he could respond. He pulled it off his waistband to read the words scrolling across the small screen. "Consult in the pit. I have to go."

"Saved by the page."

"I won more surgeries than you did in residency," Derek responded as he returned his pager to his waistband.

"That's only because that attending hated me."

"All of the attendings hated you."

"They didn't know a good thing when they saw it."

"No. You were just an ass."

Mark shrugged. "Still. They wish they'd been nicer to me now."

Derek shook his head. "On that note, I'm going to the pit."

"Have fun on your consult," Mark called after him as he walked away. "And congrats again!"

* * *

"You paged," Derek drawled as he walked into the trauma room.

Bailey barely glanced at him as she shoved a chart into his hands.

"Nice to see you too, Dr. Bailey," he responded wryly as he flipped open the chart. Although he had seen Dr. Bailey over the past two days, she hadn't slowed down enough for them to exchange even a sentence. The added callousness to her personality, he assumed, was due to being passed over for Chief Resident.

"Maria Walters. Fifty-three. MVC. GCS of eight."

Derek passed off the chart and pulled his penlight out of his pocket. "Has she been conscious at all?" He asked as he checked the patient's pupils.

"No."

"Hmm, pupils are sluggish. Let's send her for a scan in the next thirty minutes."

Bailey motioned to the ER resident who had been assisting the trauma. The resident nodded and reached for the phone to call the Imaging Department.

"Any labs back yet?" Derek asked.

"Not yet," Bailey responded. "But I've been promised results within the hour."

"Good."

The ER resident hung up the phone. "They can take her now."

"Good. We'll take her up," Derek offered, motioning to Bailey. With the interns and junior residents off for the day, they would have to do some of the more menial tasks themselves.

They worked in silence to get the patient to the elevator and then up to the Imaging Department. The tech helped them prepare the patient for the scan, and once the patient was in the machine, Derek headed for the imaging booth. Bailey sat next to him.

"So," he began, as they waited for the first images to appear, "How was your last two weeks?"

"Remember all the other times I told you about my personal life?"

Derek felt his brow furrow. "No."

"Then what makes you think I'm going to start now?"

He faltered for a moment. Bailey was much more abrasive them normal. "I wasn't trying to delve into your personal life, doctor Bailey, I was just trying to pass the time."

She sighed. "I spent my last two weeks working. Without any interns there's been more work. Add to that you being on vacation and Addison and Burke leaving-"

"I'm not allowed to go on vacation? I work more hours than any other attending in this hospital."

Bailey smiled at that. "You're allowed; though I think the only reason you're here so much is because you don't know what to do with yourself when Grey's working and you're not."

"Now that's not entirely fair..." He complained, though she had a point. He often built his schedule around Meredith's and often stretched his shifts so they could drive in together.

Instead of replying, she turned to stare at him.

"What?"

"I am not a gossip."

"Okay. Did someone insinuate that you were?" He asked, confused.

"Far too much gossip goes on in this hospital," she continued, without responding to his question. "I don't listen to it and I don't spread it."

"Okay."

"But I've heard the same rumour from several sources over the past two days."

He smirked. "And here I thought you just said you don't listen to gossip?"

"There's a difference between listening and hearing."

Derek chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind. What is it that you've heard?"

"That you married my intern last week."

"Technically, she's not your intern anymore," he said with a smile, "But yes, we got married."

She studied him for a long moment, before speaking, "You didn't push her into anything?"

He shook his head. "It was as much her idea as mine. We didn't want to deal with the stress of planning a wedding neither of us was interested in. We were on vacation and we had the idea and...we got married."

"And she's happy?"

"We both are. Very happy."

Bailey cracked an uncharacteristic smile. "Then I am happy for you both."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. You both deserve to be happy."

"Scans should be up any moment," the tech said as he entered the both, having positioned the patient in the machine.

Sure enough, the scans came up immediately.

Derek sighed and lifted a hand to point at the screen. "She's got a subarachnoid haemorrhage."

"I am perfectly capable of reading a scan," Bailey snapped.

Derek returned his hand to the table and turned to the tech. "Can you call up to the OR floor and see if anything is available? We need to get to this right away."

"Absolutely," he replied, stepping out of the booth.

"Do you want to scrub in?" Derek asked Bailey.

"I am a perfectly capable senior resident. I have better things to do with my time than watch you perform a craniotomy."

"I'm not questioning your skills. You can assist."

"I am a general surgeon who doesn't need to _assist_ on one of you surgeries. I have surgeries of my own to perform."

"Duly noted," he muttered. Obviously she felt like she had something to prove after Callie Torres had been awarded Chief Resident.

"OR three is available," the tech stated as he returned to the booth.

"When?"

"I told them you needed it immediately."

"Thank you. Let's get her back onto the gurney." He stood and made his way to the door to help the tech, but stopped in the doorway. "Doctor Bailey, I've never questioned your skills or abilities in this hospital. Hell, my wife is alive today because you saved her life." He shook his head at the unwanted memory. "You have nothing to prove to me. When I returned to work Monday morning I completely expected to see you in the role of Chief Resident. If it were up to me, you'd have the job."

Bailey stared at him for a moment. "Thank you."

He offered her a warm smile. "Any time."

* * *

"Move your feet!" Meredith demanded as she shuffled into the living room, balancing an extra large pizza in her hands. Cristina, who had strewn herself across the couch when Meredith had headed to the front door to pay for the pizza and Izzy had headed to the kitchen for drinks, muttered something under her breath and refused to move.

"Fine. But if you don't move, you don't get any pizza."

"Or anything to drink," Izzy echoed, clutching to three bottles of water.

Cristina groaned and very slowly sat up.

Meredith plopped herself down in the middle of the couch and set the pizza on the coffee table beside the pile of cell phones and pagers.

"Drinks," Izzy commented as she sat on the empty end of the couch and passed Meredith two bottles of water, one of which she kept and the other that she dropped into Cristina's lap.

All three reached for a slice of pizza, and when they were settled on the couch, Cristina reached for the remote to restart the video.

"Is it sad that we're home recovering from a long shift and we're watching a surgical tape?" Izzy asked.

"No," Meredith and Cristina said at the same time.

Izzy shrugged. "Didn't think so."

"What else would we be doing?" Cristina asked.

"Normal people do things on their days off. Normal things."

"We're not normal, Iz," Meredith commented as she polished off her first slice of pizza and reached for a second.

Izzy, who was barely half way through her first slice of pizza, sent Meredith a look. "Well, you're not normal. Seriously, how can you eat that much that fast?"

Meredith glared at her. "I'm starving. I haven't eaten since yesterday." It was early afternoon now.

"Neither have I," Izzy countered.

Ignoring her roommate, Meredith took a large bite of her second slice and turned her attention back to the aortic repair on the television screen. They had specifically chosen a cardio procedure to uplift Cristina's mood. Silence fell between the three off duty surgeons and lasted a good ten minutes, before Cristina sighed.

"The only thing better than watching this would be doing the repair myself."

Meredith nodded her agreement. "Yup. Though I have to admit; it's nice to be sitting. I cannot believe how tired I was." Derek had driven her home the night before and she hadn't even been able to stay awake during the short drive.

_Meredith groaned as a hand squeezed around her shoulder and then shook her gently, pulling her from much needed sleep. She pawed at the source of the annoyance, only to hear a soft chuckle. And then another hand ran up and down her arm. She felt hot breath against her face and then familiar lips on hers._

_ Try as she may to ignore Derek's affections, her body responded on its own and she kissed him back. This time she groaned when he pulled away._

_ Opening her eyes, she glared at him and hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt to pull him back to her._

_ Derek chuckled and acquiesced, kissing her hard for several long moments before pulling back again. "We need to go inside," he whispered._

_ "Inside?"_

_ He smirked and ran his fingers through her hair. "Inside," he confirmed._

_ Blinking groggily, she pulled her gaze from his and then frowned as she realized their surroundings. She was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, which was sitting in their driveway. Derek had opened her door and removed her seatbelt, and was hovering as close to her as he could. "Oh."_

_ He pecked her lips and then tugged as her hand. "Come on."_

_ Staggering to her feet, Meredith allowed Derek to close her door and hook his arm around her waist. She leaned against him for the seemingly long walk up the driveway. The front door was unlocked – Izzy and Alex had left before her – and Meredith pushed open the door. She was about to step inside, when Derek stopped her. She barely had time to shoot him a questioning glance when her world tipped._

_ She gasped, and grasped at him for balance, and before she knew it, he was holding her in his arms, one behind her back and the other under her knees._

_ "What are you-" She was cut off by his lips on hers._

_ "Threshold," he whispered as he carried her over it._

_ "Threshold," she echoed with a giggle. "Okay." He hadn't carried her over the threshold of their hotel room the night they'd gotten married because they'd been too caught up in each other in their frenzy to consummate their new marriage. Hours later, when she had been spent and sated and lying in her husband's arms, he had promised to do the threshold thing when they got home. And, technically, this was the first time they were home together. With the late flight and having to go straight to the hospital after arriving back in Seattle, Meredith had forgotten all about the threshold thing._

_ Derek shut the door behind them and turned for the stairs._

_ "You don't have to-"_

_ "Yes, I do," he interrupted. "It's part of the experience."_

_ She giggled again, but didn't complain as he carried her up the stairs. It reminded her of the time, months ago, when she had fallen asleep while he fished one morning, and she had woken up to him carrying her back to the trailer. That had been the day she had told him she didn't know how to swim. It had prompted their list of things to do, which had in turn resulted in their trip to the Bahamas._

_ Which had resulted in their wedding._

_ It was all kind of circular and amazing._

_ Reaching the top of the stairs, Derek turned for their room and pushed open the door. Meredith reached to switch on the light and shut the door. He spun them towards the bed and before she knew it her back was against the mattress and his weight was on top of her. He kissed her hard for several moments, before sighing and rolling so he was lying beside her on his back._

_ She reached for his hand. "We're home," she whispered. The last time she had been in their bedroom she had been exhausted and panicked. It had taken her three attempts to leave a coherent message on Derek's cell phone while she struggled to pack her suitcase through the tears in her eyes._

_ "We're home," he echoed._

_ "And we're married."_

_ Beside her, he exhaled, and she could tell he was smiling. "We are."_

_ "I'm happy."_

_ "Me too."_

_ "Really, freaking happy," she added. "Because I really, freaking love you."_

_ Derek rolled onto his side, facing her, and shinnied close. "I love you too, Mer," he whispered, pressing his lips to her cheek and draping his arm across her, "More than anything."_

_ They lay together for a long moment, and then he kissed her cheek again and stood. He reached a hand to her, which she took, and pulled her to her feet._

_ "I've never been so tired," she complained as she kicked off her shoes and left them in a heap by the door._

_ Derek's arms snaked around her waist in a moment. "I've heard you say that several times," he whispered, his breath hot against her neck._

_ She shivered and burrowed herself into his warmth, her mind too fuzzy with the pull of sleep to come up with anything witty to say in response._

_ One of Derek's arms held her tight against him, supporting her, as the other hand ran lazily up and down her spine. Meredith allowed her eyes to close, trusting him to hold her. She was so tired and he was so warm that she was pretty sure she could fall asleep standing up in his arms._

_ After a long moment, Derek kissed the top of her head. "Let's get you into bed."_

_ She lifted her head from his chest to meet his eyes. "If I wasn't so tired, I'd be able to come up with some dirty comment about what you just said."_

_ He laughed. "If I thought you were up to doing more than sleeping right now, so would I."_

_ She smiled at him. "Tomorrow," she promised._

_ He pecked her lips. "I'll hold you to that."_

_ "I'm sure you will."_

_ He released her, and she quickly stripped off her pants, top and bra, and pulled on the soft, thin tee shirt she had stolen from Derek so long ago. The mattress was soft when she finally slid under the covers._

_ Derek was quick to follow suit, and once he was in bed beside her, he reached his arms around her and pulled her against him._

_ "It's early for you to go to bed," Meredith mumbled, despite how much her body craved a good night of sleep in his arms._

_ His lips pressed against the back of her neck. "I don't care how early it is," he whispered, "I want to fall asleep with my wife, in our bed."_

_ Meredith felt a flutter in her stomach at the term. "I like being your wife," she murmured, sleep pulling at her. "You're a really good husband," she added. And then she slept._

"Sleep is for the weak," Cristina proclaimed, pulling Meredith's mind back to the present.

She exchanged a look with Izzy, and then laughed. "Whatever."

"What time will Derek be home?" Izzy asked, after Cristina had obviously redirected her attention entirely on the television.

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know. He texted me to say he was going into surgery an hour ago. I don't think he had anything else scheduled this afternoon. He should be home relatively early." She smiled at the thought.

Izzy bumped her shoulder. "I can't believe you're married."

She smiled. "I kind of can't either. It's...strange."

"Good strange or bad strange?"

"Good strange. Definitely good. Just...new."

"Have you decided if you're going to change your name?"

"No. I haven't decided anything. I haven't had a chance to even think about anything yet." She reached for the chain around her neck without thinking.

Izzy offered her a smile and made to say something, but was cut off by the ringing of a cell phone. All three girls leaned forward and picked their phone off the table.

"It's mine," Meredith said, lifting her cell to her ear. "Hello?"

"Meredith?" Asked a female voice that Meredith couldn't immediately place, but definitely recognized.

"Uh, yes," she stammered, trying to pinpoint who she was talking to.

"I hope I didn't wake you. Derek said not to call until the afternoon, because you were to finish a thirty-six hour shift last night."

Someone who knew her and Derek, but didn't work at the hospital... Meredith sputtered as she realized she was talking to her mother-in-law. "Jane. Hi. Yes, long shift, but no, I wasn't sleeping." She stood and left the living room for the privacy of the office.

"Good." There was a pause, and Meredith felt her heart thud in her chest. In her exhaustion the night before she had forgotten to question Derek on his mother's reaction to their wedding.

"Derek told me the good news," Jane continued, "And I have to say I am so happy for you both. Congratulations."

Meredith opened her mouth, but no words came out. Congratulations and happy family members were basically unheard of entities in the Meredith chronicles. She was out of her element. Unable to think of anything to say, she curled up into the corner of the couch in the office and clutched the phone to her ear.

"I wanted to officially welcome you to the family."

Tears formed in her eyes and she had to swallow a lump in her throat before she could speak. "Thank you," she managed to say quietly.

"We're glad to have you, Meredith."

The sincerity in Jane's words caused more tears to form in her eyes, and try as she might, Meredith couldn't get rid of the lump in her throat. She would not cry. Not over this. She wasn't one of those girls who got overwhelmed. She would not cry. She wouldn't. Really.

"Meredith?" Jane prompted gently when she received no response.

She sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry," Meredith said, cringing at the waver in her voice. "I just... You caught me off guard and I'm not... I'm not used to...this."

Jane was silent for a moment, but Meredith could hear her breathing. "Get used to it," she eventually said, "We're your family now, officially."

"Okay," Meredith whispered. "I... Thank you."

"Thank _you_," Jane countered, catching Meredith by surprise. "Thank you for making my son so happy. Meredith, when he called to tell me the news, he was so happy; so upbeat. I don't think I've ever heard him so positively joyful. And you did that for him. When you came to visit I saw a spark in his eyes that I haven't seen in a long time." She paused. "It's a mother's dream to see their child so happy."

Tears were streaming down her cheeks now, but in the privacy and darkness of the office, Meredith didn't bother wiping them away. "He makes me that happy, too," she admitted.

"I could see that. You're a good fit."

Meredith smiled at this. "Does that mean you're not mad that we didn't invite you?" Derek had assured her it wasn't a problem, but she still worried.

"Of course not. I've been to plenty of weddings. As long as you're both happy, then I'm happy for you. Though, Derek did promise me a picture."

Meredith laughed. "We'll send you one when we get them."

"I'll expect it."

They spoke for several more minutes, and when Meredith hung up, she was surprised to find herself smiling. It was nice having a mother-in-law like Jane. Wiping away any remaining dampness from her cheeks, Meredith headed back across the hall to the living room. She swiped a third slice of pizza from the box and sat between her friends.

"You okay?" Izzy asked.

"I'm fine."

"You look like you were crying."

Meredith made a face as she realized her eyes must still be red. "I'm fine," she repeated. "Really."

Izzy stared at her for a long moment, but let it go.

"Was Mama Shepherd pissed about the wedding?" Cristina asked.

Meredith smiled at the term 'Mama Shepherd' and shook her head. "The opposite. She was happy."

Cristina made a face. "Weird."

"I know," Meredith said with a laugh.

* * *

It was dinner time when Meredith heard the front door open. She was in the kitchen, cleaning up. Izzy was in her room and Cristina had gone home. Hoping it was Derek, Meredith dried her hands and turned for the kitchen door in time for the door to open and Derek to appear.

"Hi," she whispered breathily as she hooked her hands behind his neck. She had been waiting impatiently for him to get home for hours.

Derek's arms snaked around her waist and his lips found hers. Before she knew it, he had backed her against the counter. She moaned and deepened the kiss. Her fingers found his hair. She loved his hair.

He pressed against her in response. Cleary he had been impatient about this moment too.

Just when she thought she couldn't go without oxygen for another moment, he broke the kiss, breathing hard as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

"Hi," he whispered between pants, his hot breath on her neck giving her goose bumps.

Her arms dropped around her shoulders and she hugged him tight. "I missed you today."

"Mmm, we should quit," he murmured. "Then we can stay home and have sex all day."

She giggled. "Sounds like a good plan."

He lifted his chin from her shoulder and pecked her lips. "We're newlyweds. It's expected of us."

"I totally agree."

He kissed her again.

"But food first," she mumbled before he could deepen it.

With a groan, he pulled away. "Fine. But only," he paused to kiss her, "Because," kiss, "I," kiss, "love," kiss, "you." Kiss.

"I love you too." She kissed him one more time before pulling away and heading for the stove. "And because I love you, I made sure dinner was almost ready." She turned on the burners under the two pots sitting on the stove.

Derek joined her, glancing suspiciously at the pots. "You didn't cook, did you?" He lifted one lid, revealing water. He closed the lid and lifted the other. He made a face at the red sauce.

She swiped her hand playfully at his chest. "That's not nice."

Derek grabbed a spoon and stirred thoughtfully at the sauce. "Seriously, Mer, did you cook?"

"Izzy cooked," she admitted, glaring at Derek for his relieved expression. "We made a deal that she made dinner and I get to clean up. But we didn't know what time you'd be home, so she already ate and we just have to heat up the sauce and cook more noodles."

"Smells good."

"Why did you wait to say that until after I admitted I didn't make the stupid spaghetti sauce?"

He smirked and kissed her cheek. "Didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"You're an ass."

"You're stuck with me."

"Yeah, well, then you can do the cooking from now on."

He pecked her lips again. "Agreed."

Meredith grumbled and moved to sit on the counter by the stove. "Fine. But that means you get to do the stirring."

With a chuckle, he did so, and then closed the lid. With a thoughtful expression, he also turned down the burner. "Cooking lesson one; the highest setting isn't always the best setting."

She glared at him.

He sauntered over to her, pressed between her dangling legs, and buried his face into the crook of her neck. "You smell like lavender," he whispered, the roughness of his cheek brushing against the smooth skin of her neck.

Her hands found his back, which she rubbed through his shirt. "I just had a shower."

"That's too bad. We could have shared..."

She felt a rush of anticipation wash over her. "We still can."

He kissed the very sensitive spot where her neck met her shoulder and pulled away to check on dinner. He gave the sauce a good stir and then added some noodles to the now boiling water.

"What did you do today?" He asked when he returned to her arms.

"Cristina came over. She and Izzy and I watched surgical tapes."

"How's she doing?"

Meredith shrugged, and was comforted when Derek wrapped his arms around her waist. "I don't know," she admitted. Cristina obviously wasn't okay, but Meredith wasn't sure how not okay she was. And though she didn't feel guilty exactly about her own flourishing relationship in comparison to Cristina's failed one, she still felt bad for her friend. "She doesn't really talk about it..."

"It hasn't even been three weeks," Derek reminded her. "Give her some time."

"I know. I just want her to be happy."

He smiled at her. "That's because you're you. And you care so much about everyone around you."

She felt heat trickle into her skin, but ignored it. "I talked to your mom today."

Derek flinched. "And I forgot to warn you that she was going to call..."

She giggled. "Yes, you did. But it's okay. It was...nice. She sounded really happy."

"She is really happy. I told you she would be."

"I know you did. I just..." She sighed. "The family thing, you know?"

He kissed her softly. "I know. But they're your family now, too, so get used to it."

She giggled. "That's what your mom said. She told me to get used to it."

Derek chuckled and shrugged. "I guess it's a Shepherd thing."

Meredith smiled and stared into his eyes.

"What?" He whispered after a long moment.

She shook her head. "Nothing. I'm just...happy."

He sighed and gifted her with his trademark smile. "Me too, Mer."


	97. Chapter 97

_**AN: This chapter starts at the beginning of episode 4.2 'Love/Addiction.' Some parts are short, but I kind of wanted to show the differences between that universe and this one (like Derek not getting kicked out of bed...lol). There's also this really great line, that didn't have a reason to be in this story, but I wanted to mention. A patient asks Mark if he has any kids and he says "not that I know of." he he. That made me laugh.**_

**_

* * *

_**

Lying on her back next to her husband of all of six days, Meredith yawned. It was very late – so late that it was actually very early morning – and they would have to get up for work in a few short hours. Even so, she wasn't willing to fall asleep just yet. Her body still tingled from the after affects of the way he made her feel and the workout he'd just put her body through.

Derek shifted, and his hand found her abdomen and rubbed her through the thin sheet that was draped haphazardly over them both. "Mmm," he mumbled without saying anything more.

She turned her head so that she could see him. His eyelids were heavy, but still open, revealing the deep blue gaze he always had when they were intimate. He smiled softly at her. She smiled back.

"We have to get up soon," she whispered.

"Yeah," he murmured, pulling himself closer to her so that they were now sharing her pillow and his face as pressed into the side of her head. She could feel his lips against her neck. He obviously wasn't any more worried about the late hour than she was. Her left hand found his hair and she threaded the fingers of her right hand through his, so that their digits rested together above her abdomen.

"Exactly how long does the newlywed sex phase last?"

He chuckled against her. "As long as we want."

"Sounds good," she said with a sigh that turned into a yawn.

He kissed her neck and then rolled away abruptly. And like a switch was thrown, she went from warm to cold.

"What are you doing?"

Derek turned off the lamp on his nightstand, dropping them into darkness. He then rolled back to her, draping his arm across her. Warm again. "Sleeping," he responded.

"Sleeping is good," she murmured, snuggling against him. He was always so warm. So safe.

"Just not as good as sex."

She giggled. "You have a one track mind."

He chuckled. "I seem to remember you being an enthusiastic participant at the time."

This time she laughed out loud, and he joined her. "So we both have a one track mind sometimes."

Derek kissed her cheek. "Mmm, but we need some sleep now so we can continue where we left off tomorrow."

She turned her head so she could kiss him. "Agreed."

He kissed her back, hard, and then tightened his embrace around her and settled against her, draping a leg over hers. "Night."

"Night," she echoed, allowing her eyes to flutter shut. Derek was warm and solid beside her. His presence made her feel like nothing could touch her. "I'm glad you're here," she found herself mumbling as sleep pulled at her consciousness.

"'s nowhere else I'd rather be," be practically breathed against her.

Meredith felt her lips curl into a soft smile, and then she lost her awareness as sleep overtook her.

* * *

When the alarm went off only a short time later, Meredith groaned and buried her face into her pillow. Derek's arm tightened around her as he, too, groaned at the intrusion.

"No," she whined, trying to block the obnoxious noise by pressing her hand to her ear. But it was useless.

Derek's lips found the spot on her back right between her shoulder blades. "Ignoring the alarm doesn't mean it's not time to get up," he whispered.

"Make it stop."

He chuckled and kissed her back again, before trailing kisses along her spine to her neck.

Meredith groaned. "I mean it, Derek; make it stop."

Now laughing, Derek pulled away and reached over her to turn off the alarm.

Silence.

Meredith sighed, prepared to close her eyes and go back to sleep. Derek, however, wasn't about to let her. He returned to his position beside her, but pulled at her shoulder so she was lying on her back. She let him move her, but used the arm that had been attempting to block out the alarm to drape across her eyes, blocking the sun that was starting to shine through the window.

"We have to leave in forty-five minutes," he announced.

"Shut up," she whined.

Derek manoeuvred himself over her. She could feel his hot breath against her cheek, and try as she might to ignore him, her skin started to tingle. When his lips found hers, she couldn't help but kiss him back. "You can lay here and sulk," he mumbled between kisses, "Or you can join me in the shower..."

Meredith removed her arm from her face so that she could see him. His blue eyes sparkled and couldn't help the words that came out of her mouth, "On one condition."

He smirked. "What's that?"

"That you do the bendy thing."

He kissed her hard. "Agreed."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his lips back to hers. If she was going to be up this early, she was sure as hell going to make the best of it. His hands started to roam along her bare skin, and she was breathless when he rolled off of her, and tugged at her hand.

She stood, donning her robe in case Alex or Izzy were in the hall. Derek did the same, and she followed him across the hall to the bathroom. Both robes were tossed unceremoniously onto the floor, and Derek was right behind her when she stepped into the shower. His hand shoved at the shower door so hard that it rolled shut and bounced partly open, but neither noticed.

The spray of the water, along with Derek's hands dancing across her skin, woke her up better than any alarm. Adrenaline surged within her. She moaned into his mouth as his hands found her chest. Her own hands wandered across every inch of slick, wet skin she could reach.

He pressed her back into the wall, and his lips left hers, kissing and sucking their way down her neck and across her chest to her breasts. His mouth found a nipple, and her fingers lost their purchase on him at the rush of pleasure.

"Derek," she hissed.

He pressed his knee between her thighs, and she saw stars.

Losing her ability to focus on much more than the things he was doing to her body, Meredith buried her fingers into his sleek, wet hair. She was so focused on their private little bubble inside the shower, that she didn't hear the bathroom door open. Derek was obviously as oblivious to the outside world as she was, as he was just as surprised when they were interrupted.

"Meredith, would you tell Alex that he had to wait until I'm finished in the bathroom in the morn- Whoa!" Izzy exclaimed as stormed into the bathroom, Alex on her heels, and realized Meredith wasn't alone in the shower at the exact moment Meredith and Derek realized the shower door was partially open, revealing them naked and pressed up against the wall right beside the door.

"Izzy!" Meredith screeched.

"Nice," Alex called as he appeared beside Izzy, right in time for Derek to react. His hand reached for the door and slammed it shut, giving them at least some semblance of privacy through the foggy glass. Derek groaned and leaned his forehead against the wall beside her head, his larger body draping hers. His chest heaved against hers as he fought to catch his breath.

On the other side of the door, Alex laughed. "See, Mer obviously doesn't mind sharing the bathroom. Take a page from her book."

"Alexander Michael Karev, if you ever step foot in the shower with me, I will cut off your nads," Izzy hissed back.

All thoughts of continuing the shower she had been enjoying with her husband destroyed, Meredith sighed as the wanting and the needing bled away. Derek was still breathing hard against her. She ran her hands along his back. There was no movement in the room. No words.

"Iz?" She called.

"Uh, yeah?" Izzy said uncertainly.

"Get out. And take Alex with you."

"But-"

"Out. Now."

There was shuffling, and then the bathroom door was pulled shut.

For several moments neither of them said anything, and then Meredith kissed Derek's shoulder. "Well, that was..."

He pushed himself away from the wall and met her eyes. "Yeah."

She released a laughing breath. "I guess we were stupid for not remembering they're on the same schedule as me this week..."

"Not stupid. Just distracted." He kissed her.

She kissed him back, but they were both resigned to the fact that nothing more would be happening. At least not right now.

With a last peck on the lips, Derek released her from her captivity between himself and the wall. "We really need to find our own place."

* * *

Meredith ignored Alex's leering stare when she walked into the residents' lounge with just enough time to change into her scrubs and still be on time to meet her interns for rounds. When she and Derek had retreated from the communal bathroom, Alex had already left for the hospital and Izzy had shot them a look that was equal parts angry and sheepish as she passed them, toothbrush in hand.

Cristina was sitting along the bench by the cubbies, absorbed in a textbook on cardiovascular techniques. She barely glanced up as Meredith snatched her scrubs from her cubby and glared at Alex as she disappeared around the corner to change.

"What's the matter, Grey?" Alex called after her, "After this morning I wouldn't think you'd feel the need to keep _anything_ from me." He was caught off guard when she chucked a shoe at him, but managed to avoid taking the second one in the face.

"What's Evil Spawn yammering about?" Cristina asked, looking up from her book as Meredith returned, barefoot, and exchanged her street clothes for her sneakers.

Meredith groaned. "Alex and Izzy walked in on me and Derek in the shower this morning."

Cristina shrugged and went back to her book.

Meredith pulled on her shoes and put one foot onto the bench to tie her laces.

Alex wandered over and dropped the shoes she had worn in that morning – and subsequently used as projectiles – on the bench by her feet. "Next time I'm keeping them."

"They may be a little small," Cristina snarked, without so much as looking up from her book, "But if pretty, blue flats are your cup of tea, more power to you. We all have our fetishes."

Meredith giggled as Alex huffed. She shifted to tie her other lace.

The door opened, and Izzy rushed into the room. "I'm late," she announced, glaring at Meredith, "Because _someone_ was hogging the shower."

Meredith stood upright and reached for her lab coat. "My shower, Iz. In my bathroom, that will have a lock installed tonight."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "How was I supposed to know he was in there with you?"

"You could have knocked."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Aren't you even a little sorry? It's bad enough that we have to listen to it at night..."

"Why would I be sorry? I was trying to enjoy some time my _husband_ in _my_ shower. You're the one who should be sorry." She shoved her street shoes into her cubby and pulled her stethoscope off its hook.

Cristina shut her book with a thud, laughed and turned to Izzy. "Mer gets cranky when her needs aren't met."

It was Meredith's turn to roll her eyes. "That is not true."

Cristina stood and shoved her book into her cubby. "So, you two finished after being interrupted by peeping-Izzy and the walking hormone?"

Meredith didn't have a chance to respond, as both Alex and Izzy verbally rejected Cristina's new nicknames. She headed for the door, where Cristina caught up to her. "You could always do what everyone else does."

"And that is?"

"Make a booty page."

* * *

Trying to ignore the probable merit of Cristina's suggestion, Meredith went about her day. However, rounds were uneventful and, other than Cristina trying to trade wedding gifts for surgeries, there wasn't much to distract her.

After losing out on a trauma to her friends – when there are four patients and five residents are paged, it's important not to arrive fifth – Meredith groaned and ran her hand through her hair. She _really_ needed something to distract herself today. Her body – used to having Derek practically at arm's length after their vacation – had been thrumming since their failed attempt at shower sex that morning.

"What are we going to do now, Dr. Grey?" Dr Green, the intern with _all_ the questions, asked.

Meredith took a breath, willing herself to have more patience. "Post ops," she eventually declared. That would distract her interns and leave Meredith with some peace. She turned for the elevators, expecting her interns to follow. She did not, however, expect Dr. Green to fall into step beside her.

"Dr. Grey, is it true that you're married to Dr. Shepherd?"

Meredith hesitated, before responding with a curt, "Yes." It wasn't like it was a secret.

"I heard from the nurses that you got married in the Bahamas last week."

Meredith chose not to respond, not having heard an actual question in her intern's words. They reached the elevators and Meredith slammed her hand against the call button, willing the elevator car to arrive instantaneously.

"I heard half the hospital staff call him Doctor McDreamy," Dr. Green continued.

Still, no actual question, so Meredith ignored the comment. The elevator doors opened, and she marched on, immediately poking at the button for the surgical floor. She stood near the doors, facing away from her interns as the doors shut.

"Are we going to work with him at all this week? I've heard he's really good, and it must be so much fun to work with your husband. I'd really like to scrub in on one of his surgeries."

"We'll work where we're assigned," she replied shortly, hoping Dr. Green would get the hint.

She didn't.

"Are you going to change your name? It's kind of cool if you don't. You know, Dr. Grey, Dr. Green." She laughed. "What are the odds of me being assigned to you?"

Meredith slammed her hand against the emergency stop button and spun to face her chatty intern. "Dr. Green, let me make something perfectly clear. I am your resident, not your sorority sister. I am here to teach you. You are here to learn from me. That means you need to learn to shut up about anything not directly related to medicine. My personal life is none of your business. Am I being clear?"

Dr. Green blinked and then nodded. "Of-of course, Dr. Grey, I'm sorry..."

The other two interns stood in the corner, their eyes raised to the ceiling, pretending not to be listening.

"Good," Meredith declared, turning back around and restarting the elevator. She instantly felt bad for her rant, but at the same time she knew Bailey would never have allowed any personal conversation, so she kept her stance solid and told herself it was the only way her intern would learn.

The elevator came to a stop and the moment the doors opened, Meredith stepped out, heading immediately for the Nurses' Station. She divvied out some charts to her interns, with strict orders to monitor and page her if anything was unusual.

Once free of her interns, Meredith ran a hand through her hair and sucked in a breath. She reached for her cell phone and sighed, debating about whether she should page Derek.

It was then that she felt eyes on her.

Turning away from the Nurses' Station, she faced the waiting area and immediately recognized the mother of the man who broke her best friend. As if her day couldn't get any worse.

"Mrs. Burke," she greeted, approaching the older woman. "What a surprise to see you here. Are you visiting someone?" She asked, knowing the most likely reason the woman was here, but needing to confirm it so she could warn her best friend.

"Miss Grey," Mama Burke greeted with a nod. "You're the maid of honour."

"Would have been," Meredith agreed.

After taking a moment to absorb Meredith's response, Mama Burke cleared her throat. "I'm here to see Dr. Yang. I was told she was with a patient."

"She's probably in surgery. Could be hours. I can have her call you or something if you don't want to wait..."

"I'll wait."

"Okay. Is there a...message you want me to get to her?"

"Just that I'm waiting for her."

Meredith took a breath.

"Is there something you want to say to me?" Mama Burke prompted, "About my son and his relationship with your friend?"

Meredith took another breath. "No, I think your son said more than enough for everyone."

"He never meant to hurt her."

Had Meredith not been so entirely on her best friend's side, she made have softened at Mrs. Burke's tone. Instead, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, he did. She never wanted that stupid wedding in the first place. But she was willing to do it. For him."

"Have you ever thought that maybe he needed her to _want_ the wedding?"

"If he thought Cristina would _ever _want some big, flashy wedding, he never took the time to get to know her."

"You encouraged her."

"Excuse me?"

"You and your friends. You encouraged her to resist. A wedding is important, and you made it a joke."

"I'm not exactly an expert, but I'm pretty sure it's the marriage that's important. The wedding is one day. The marriage is the forever part."

Mama Burke paused.

Meredith smirked, knowing she had made a good point. "We love Cristina for who she is. And that's what she deserves."

"My son did what he did because he knew she deserved better. He's an honourable man."

Meredith scoffed. "He's not an honourable man. He's a-" She cut herself off as too many terms came to mind.

"I'm sorry he hurt your friend, Miss Grey, but he-"

"It's _missus_," Meredith cut her off, before stammering, "Well, okay, actually it's _doctor_. Doctor, or missus. Not miss." She glared, even though Mama Burke had no way of knowing. She was simply irritated that Burke had apparently sent his mother to smooth things over and make him look like the good guy.

"I wasn't aware you were married. I assume it's too the best man?"

Meredith nodded. "Yes. We had a wedding we _both_ wanted. And now we have a marriage. Because _my husband_ is an honourable man."

"So, is my son," Mama Burke insisted.

"Not in this hospital. Not anymore."

"You'll understand one day, why he did what he did."

Meredith took another deep breath. "And maybe you'll understand one day why I don't believe you." She exhaled. "I'll let Cristina know you're here."

Storming down the hallway, Meredith reached for her pager, hoping she had somehow missed a page. Nothing scrolled across the screen. She growled something incoherent to the, thankfully empty, hallway, and pulled out her cell phone. Reaching an equally empty corner, she paused, debating whether to send Cristina a warning text. If she wasn't already alerted to Mama Burke's presence, word would spread quickly in the hospital.

_Mama Burke in surgical waiting room,_ she finally tapped out, _steer clear._

She would explain more when Cristina responded.

Footsteps echoed from around the corner, and Meredith barely had a chance to look up when her former resident appeared. "Grey."

"Dr. Bailey," she greeted. "I have my interns monitoring post-ops. I was just about to-"

"Grey," Bailey said again.

"Yes."

"_Grey_."

"Yes," Meredith echoed her earlier words, dreading what Bailey was building to.

"Okay, I need you to work in the clinic today."

The clinic would not serve much of a distraction against any of the things she needing distracting for. "But-"

Bailey cut her off. "Before you open your mouth and tell me all the reasons why you can't, just let me say this; I _need_ this. Because I have idiots – do you understand me, Grey? Idiot interns are in my clinic. A clinic dripping with my blood, sweat and tears. And I am not at all convinced that they won't burn it down with their ineptitude!"

Meredith felt a smile pulling at her lips as she realized this obviously meant she wasn't inept in Bailey's eyes anymore.

"I'm not telling," Bailey continued, "Because I understand that I do not have the authority to tell. Not anymore." She hesitated. "So, I'm asking. Nicely."

Meredith allowed the corners of her lips to be tugged upwards.

"I'm just saying; if I ever did anything for you... Like save your life-"

Meredith felt her smile disappear.

"-If you ever felt you _owed_ me a debt of thanks; _now_ is when I'd like to collect." She stared Meredith down for a long moment, before adding a, "Please," though they both knew it was superfluous. Meredith couldn't say no, and they both knew it.

"Fine," Meredith grumbled, taking a small stack of charts from Bailey. She took the stairs to delay her arrival in the clinic, but even with the added time, her brain never stopped to consider just which interns she would be supervising.

The moment she pushed open the door, Lexie approached her excitedly. "Oh no," she mumbled.

"Oh, are you working down here today?"

"Uh, I, uh," she stammered, trying to come up with some way out of supervising her exuberant half-sister for the remainder of her shift.

"Great," Lexie responded, seemingly ignorant of the fact that Meredith never actually confirmed anything. "We have no idea what we're doing. Plus, I was really hoping we'd get a chance to talk, so yay."

"Yay," Meredith forced herself to echo, with as much effort as she could muster, which unfortunately wasn't all that much. _Great_, she muttered silently to herself, _Now my day is freaking perfect._

"What should we do first?"

"Have you assessed any patients?"

"No, not yet. Dr. Bailey said not to do anything unless we were supervised."

_This was going to be a very long day_. "Okay, well, grab a chart and get started on initial exams, but come to me before you give any advice or make any decisions."

"Great," Lexie said excitedly. "And maybe after we could talk? I know you didn't want to before, but it was a bad day and-"

"Let's just focus on the patients for now."

**_AN: For sake of seeing what kind of opinions are out there, I was wondering what you think of Mer's impeding decision about changing her name?_**


	98. Chapter 98

"I thought I heard someone say you were here," Derek called as he approached his former friend-and-co-worker's mother, who, assuming he had heard correctly, had been sitting in the surgical waiting room for several hours, waiting for Cristina Yang. He fought the urge to mention the likely futility of her quest and instead pasted a smile on his face.

"Hello," Mrs. Burke greeted welcomingly.

Derek sat beside her with a sigh. "I've tried calling him, but he's not returning my calls..."

"He's doing his best," she said with a nod, and then her expression changed and she turned to him. "Do you think... Do you think she really loved him? Cristina?"

Derek exhaled. It was a question he had asked himself, even before Burke had left Cristina at the church. So much of their relationship had been the same as himself and Meredith, and yet so much had been different. At the hospital, in the OR, they had been strong. In sync. Committed. But outside the OR, those traits had wavered. Had broken, several times, from what he heard from Meredith. His own relationship had had its problems, but had never broken. He and Meredith were just as committed outside the OR as in.

But that didn't mean Cristina hadn't tried her best.

"I think she loved him the best that she knew how," he stated truthfully. Burke had pushed her too hard, and though she had always resisted, she had gone along with him eventually. She had _tried_. Burke had tried to understand her better – Derek knew from their conversations – but had never tried to modify his life to fit hers. He had never accepted the things she wanted or considered that the way she wanted them were valid. They had been too different. Too set in their ways.

Mrs. Burke nodded thoughtfully. "And that would not have been enough for you either," she extrapolated.

"No," he agreed. He had learned to love openly, and he wanted to be with someone who could do the same.

"So, you would have ended it too."

Derek sat back in his chair. "Well, Preston and I are built differently." After growing up with four sisters and being expected to be everyone's support, Derek had learned to match his life to anyone else's.

Mrs. Burke stared at him, waiting for further explanation.

He hesitated. He would never have left a woman at the altar. He would have sucked it up and walked down the aisle and done the 'right' thing. He would have said _I do_ and done his best to make a life. He had done it before. It wasn't until he met Meredith that he realized he should expect his partner to bend part of their life to meet his. It wasn't until he met Meredith that he realized he _could_ expect his partner to modify their life and their dream to meet his. Commitment wasn't about making the other person happy. It was about _both_ being happy.

"I'd like to think I would have ended it sooner," he admitted, "And I'm sure Preston feels the same way. Though, he was strong enough to..." He trailed off, not even knowing what term to use to describe what Burke had done. Part of him hated the man for what he had done, but the other part wondered if the result would have been worse in a few months or a year. "We're built differently," he repeated.

Mrs. Burke sat up in her chair. "Honourable men are all built the same."

He felt the corners of his lips tugging upwards. "You think I'm honourable?"

"Do you know what to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve? If you do, you're an honourable man."

Derek smiled now. These were traits he had learned with Meredith. He had walked away from her at the airport, had given her his blessing to get on a plane that would take her away from him for two weeks, because he had known that was what she needed. He had also learned to take from his family, instead of just give. He could seek comfort and support now, when he needed it. _She _had taught him that.

"And if you don't believe me," Mrs. Burke added, "Ask your wife. She told me not an hour ago that you were honourable."

His smile grew. "She did?"

She nodded. "She did. After ranting about my son."

"Cristina's her best friend," he offered. "She has to hate him right now."

Mrs. Burke nodded, and to his surprise even smiled. "I'm glad Cristina has a friend like Meredith. She was very protective. It isn't to find someone who understands you."

"It isn't," he agreed.

"But you've found someone, in Meredith?"

"Yes," he said without hesitation.

"Can I ask you...would you have ended it, with Meredith, if things were different? If she couldn't give you what you want?"

He sucked in a breath as he thought, but it wasn't something he wanted to think about. He was so happy that the thought of another set of circumstances that led to he and Meredith not being who and what they were today had him floundering. He doubted he would ever have been able to end it. Not with Meredith.

"She's the love of my life," he finally settled for. "She's everything. If she couldn't be who I wanted her to be, I wouldn't be able to walk away." He paused, "But she shouldn't have to be anyone other than who she is."

* * *

Derek paged his wife the moment he was free of Mrs. Burke. He was researching an upcoming procedure, and decided the small research room on the surgical floor would be as good a spot as any to meet. Expecting her to take any amount of time to get out of what she was doing, he was surprised when she arrived in only minutes.

"Hey, I'm so glad you paged," she announced as she arrived in a breathy pile of flailing limbs. "Your timing could not have been more perfect. I'm having the day from hell." She flung her arms up for emphasis and collapsed onto the computer chair next to his.

Barely having had a chance to look up from the computer screen when Meredith made her entrance, Derek raised an eyebrow and swivelled his chair to face her. "I never would've guessed you were having a bad day; you look so bright and shiny."

She glared at him. "You're kind of an ass, you know that, right?"

He chuckled and leaned forward, motioning for her to do the same.

Meredith made a show of sighing, but the corners of her lips quirked and she met him in the middle for a kiss.

"You don't think I'm an ass," he chastised when he pulled away. "I have it on good authority that you think I'm honourable."

Her forehead furrowed, and then she nodded in remembrance. "You talked to Mama."

"Mama?"

"Mama Burke."

It was his forehead's turn to furrow. As much as he loved her, and as much as he wanted her forever, he was certain that no amount of time with her would help him to understand everything about her. "I spoke to Mrs. Burke, yes. She mentioned you two spoke, and that you called me honourable." He puffed out his chest just a bit to get a reaction out of her.

She giggled, and then her fingers were clenched around the collar of his scrub top, pulling him forward. He gave in to the pressure, and then her lips were on his. "You are," she started, pecking his lips, "honourable." Peck. Peck. Kiss.

He reached for her on instinct. His hands snaked around her small frame, pulling her to the edge of her chair. Their knees bumped together, limiting their closeness. "Mmm, you make me honourable," he murmured against her.

She kissed him again, but broke away suddenly. Her mouth clamped shut, and her chest hitched. Then her hand rose to cover her mouth. "I'm sorry," she mumbled breathily. "I'm...sorry. You're just so..." Her sparkling eyes found his as she struggled not to laugh. "That was really cheesy, Derek."

He smirked and shrugged, deciding to milk it. "You make me cheesy," he whispered.

She giggled out loud and leaned forward, her forehead resting against his chin.

"It's true," he insisted, making the most out of the opportunity to make her laugh. Anything to make her day better. "It's a disease. I'm around you, and cheesy things start happening. I like to call it Meredith-itis."

Her spindly fingers found fistfuls of his scrub top and she shifted a bit closer. Her head tilted, and he could feel her nose pressing into his neck.

He kissed the top of her head. "Let's play a game."

"A game?" She mumbled against the sensitive skin of his neck, not even bothering to lift her head. Apparently she was perfectly content tucked up against him – not that he was complaining.

"A game," he confirmed. "Called 'Whose day is worse?'"

"I'll win."

He chuckled and ran his hand along her spine. "Two of the residents I have to work and live with saw me naked this morning. I _didn't_ get to make love to my wife. The only life I've saved today was that of a drug dealer. And I'm stuck doing research and paperwork for the rest of the day."

She lifted her head, a smile playing along her lips. "_Technically,_ it was three of your residents who saw you naked this morning."

He kissed her. "You don't count. You're allowed to see me naked."

"Well, in that case two of my co-workers, and my boss, saw me naked this morning-"

"If you don't count for me, I don't get to count for you. It's cheating."

She shook her head, biting back a laugh. "It's a fake game."

"That I invented and am therefore qualified to know what's cheating and what isn't."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. My roommates saw me naked. Shower sex was a no go. My interns are driving me crazy. I missed out on a trauma because there were supposed to be five patients, but the dad wasn't hurt. Bailey blackmailed me, and now I'm stuck in the pit with Lexie, who I seriously think is a stalker..." She trailed off with a huff. "I win."

Derek took a moment to debate arguing with her for the sake of seeing her reaction, but the look on her face made him reconsider. He cocked his head. "Okay, you win."

Despite her obvious efforts not to, she smiled.

He smiled back. "How exactly did Bailey blackmail you?"

"She told me she saved my life, so I have to work in the clinic because I owe her."

He pursed his lips. "I'm pretty sure that's extortion, not blackmail."

She glared at him.

With a chuckle, he leaned forward and kissed her again, unable to resist.

Her fingers snaked into his hair, preventing him from pulling away.

"Derek," she groaned between kisses. Her fingers tightened in his hair, and he felt his body start to respond.

"Mer," he mumbled between kisses, "Work. We're at work." He was suddenly hyper aware that their privacy was much more illusion than fact. Yes, they were alone in a small room. But the walls were made of glass.

She pulled back, her face flushed. The hand that was in his hair fell to his shoulder and the fingers of her free hand splayed across his chest. "I..."

He breathed and pressed his forehead to hers.

She met his gaze. Her irises were dark and her pupils dilated.

"Mer," he breathed, reaching to stray hair away from her face. He inhaled, smelling the lavender from her hair. God, he wanted her. She'd been in his mind all day. He exhaled, and a quiet moan joined the rush of air.

She moved, suddenly, forward. Her hands pressed against his chest and shoulder, pushing him back in his chair. Her knees were wedged between his thighs and the arms of his chair before he could react.

Derek's hands moved to support her as she hovered over him. "Meredith," he murmured.

She kissed him, her hair falling around them.

"Meredith," he said again.

She broke the kiss, but hovered close. "I...need...please, Derek."

He pecked her lips. "I was going to say," he paused to kiss her again, "Lock the door this time."

She laughed and backed off of his lap. "Good idea."

"We don't need to get caught twice today."

"Also a good point." She walked over to the door, and was reaching for the lock when the door swung open towards her. She managed to stifle a yelp, but her reaction was still more than it should have been for someone who was simply surprised that the door in front of her opened.

Cristina stood in the doorway, her expression telling Derek she knew exactly what they had been about to do.

"We were just, uh, researching," Meredith stammered.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Why do you bother trying to lie, Meredith? You know you can't."

Meredith made a face.

Derek chuckled, knowing Cristina was right, but he resisted the urge to agree verbally when his wife glared at him.

"Seriously, Meredith, when I said to make a booty page, I meant to an oncall room. Or at least a storage closet. Here? Not very smart."

"A booty page?" Derek questioned.

Meredith groaned, and he caught a flash of her cheeks reddening before she covered her face with her hands.

"I assume I've effectively broken the mood," Cristina continued, not bothering to respond to Derek's question. "So, I need you to come back to the clinic with me. I can't take Two and Three on my own."

"_Two _and _Three_?" Derek questioned, not deterred by Cristina's lack of attention.

"She numbered her interns," Meredith responded through her hands. She then sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "You need to stop hiding out in the clinic and go. Talk. To Mama."

Cristina glared at her. "If you would just go and get rid of her for me-"

"I already talked to her. Yelled at her, actually. I'm not talking to her again."

"_Meredith_," Cristina whined.

"Don't _Meredith_ me," she countered. "I had to deal with Derek's mother on my own. This is not my responsibility."

"Hey, what is wrong with my mother?" Derek questioned.

"But I don't want to deal with her," Cristina continued, "And I shouldn't have to."

"Either should I," Meredith said, before turning to Derek. "Nothing is wrong with your mother. I was making a point."

"And you didn't have to deal with her alone," he added.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Your mother is perfect," She lamented, "But you're ruining my point."

Derek bit back a smirk. "I'm just saying..."

She glared at him.

"Can we get back to me for a second?" Cristina spoke up. "I have a problem here."

"A problem that's not going to go away until you stop avoiding and deal with it."

"But-"

Meredith huffed in exasperation. "You two are driving me crazy. I came up here hoping my freaking crappy day would get a little bit better. Thank you _so much_," she said sarcastically. "And now I have to get back to my stalker intern in the boring clinic that I was blackmailed into working in today." She huffed again and then left.

Derek suppressed a chuckle at her outburst, knowing she wasn't actually mad. "Look what you did," he taunted Cristina.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Oh, that was all you."

He raised an eyebrow. "I beg to differ. She was _quite_ happy until you showed up."

Cristina used Meredith as an example, and huffed before walking out of the small room.

Derek shrugged and spun his chair back around to face the computer. If he got his research done quickly maybe he could track down his wife in the afternoon.

* * *

When Cristina arrived in the clinic just moments after her, Meredith wasn't surprised. And when Cristina joined her at the desk like nothing was wrong at all, Meredith couldn't help but shake her head.

"So, I'm thinking I just hide out here and then go home."

"And what if Mama is still here tomorrow?"

"I'll avoid her until she goes back to whatever hole she crawled out of."

Meredith chuckled. "And what if Mama shows up at your apartment tonight?"

Cristina pursed her lips, and then shrugged. "Then I'll just have to go home with you tonight. She won't think to look at your house."

Meredith sighed. "Fine, but you're sleeping on the couch."

Cristina sighed, but they were interrupted before she could say anything.

Chief Webber strode into the clinic with an unhappy Alex in tow. "Grey," he called, his demeanour dark and his tone short. "Stitch up Karev's head and get him a scan."

"I don't need a scan," Alex muttered.

"You were attacked on hospital property, Karev. That means if something happens the hospital – _my_ hospital – is liable. You're getting a scan."

Alex nodded. "Yes, Sir."

Richard nodded authoritatively and paused to glance at Meredith, his gaze flickering to her left hand, and then sighed and strode out of the clinic.

Meredith didn't have time to wonder what Richard's attitude was about. She turned to Alex. "What the hell happened to you?" She demanded.

Alex scowled. "Drug dealer hit me when my back was turned."

She pointed to a chair.

Alex sat and waited as Meredith pulled a cart over. Cristina joined them, not looking concerned for Alex.

"What exactly happened?" Meredith demanded as she pulled on a pair of gloves.

"I yelled at the dad," Alex admitted. "The police and social services were taking too long. I lost my cool. The poor kid was just screaming and the dad was pissing me off."

"So you yelled at him?" She brushed his hair out of the way to get a good look at the wound on the back of his head.

"Yep."

She swatted him. "You're an idiot."

"Yep."

She smiled. "It doesn't look too bad."

"Just try not to mangle my scalp."

She resisted the urge to swat him again. "Ass."

Cristina sidled closer for a look. "Couldn't you have at least gotten a real injury? It's boring down here."

"You wouldn't be bored if you just went to talk to Mama. Then you could wander around upstairs without worry and you wouldn't be bored anymore."

"I like it here."

"Sure you do," Meredith said, cleaning the wound.

Alex hissed. "Careful, Grey, that's attached to me, you know."

"Oh, you're fine. It doesn't hurt that much."

"That's some bedside manner you have, Dr. Grey," he retorted.

"Better than yours."

"Whatever."

Meredith finished cleaning the wound. "Do you want me to freeze it for the stitches?"

"How many stitches are we talking about?"

She took a good look. "Four, maybe five."

He sighed. "Give me the freezing."

Meredith motioned for Cristina to get it ready.

Cristina sighed, but did as requested. "Wuss," she prodded Alex when she returned, passing Meredith the small syringe.

"Bitch," Alex countered, turning his head to glare at her.

This time Meredith did swat at him again. "Hey, I'm holding a needle to the back of your head. Stay still."

"Yang started it."

"I'm ending it. Sit. Still."

Alex huffed, but did as he was told. Meredith finished injecting the freezing and passed the syringe back to Cristina to dispose.

Cristina tossed it in the sharps bin and returned to Meredith and Alex, walking circles around them as Meredith waited for the freezing to take effect.

Ignoring her best friend, Meredith poked at Alex's head, right beside the wound. "Still feel that?"

"Yep."

She sighed. "I can't believe you were stupid enough to taunt a drug dealer."

"It's Alex," Cristina responded before Alex could.

Alex kicked out his foot in response, forcing Cristina to hop over it to avoid tripping as she continued to circle. "Shut up, Yang. I did it for the kid. He deserves a better father than that."

Meredith patted his shoulder. "It was still stupid. You could have gotten really hurt."

"Says the girl who chucked her shoes at me this morning."

She laughed. "_That_ you deserved."

"Technically, walking in on your and Shepherd was Izzy's fault. I was following her."

She shook her head and poked at his head again. "Numb yet?"

He nodded.

Meredith reached for the sutures. "Just so you know, I'm installing a lock on the bathroom door."

"I don't blame you."

She started the sutures, frowning slightly as Cristina continued to pace. "That's getting annoying."

"_That's_ always annoying," Alex said, referring to Cristina and not the circling.

"Shut up, Evil Spawn," Cristina hissed, but said nothing more.

"What's with her?" Alex asked.

"Mama Burke is here and we don't know why," Meredith explained. "My guess is that she's here to kill Cristina."

"I could take her," Cristina hissed as she circled around behind Meredith.

Meredith sighed. Her best friend needed a distraction before she drove them all crazy. "She's hovering again," she spoke up, referring to the unwanted attention she had been receiving from Lexie all day. She'd been able to feel the intern's gaze on her since she re-entered the clinic.

Cristina paused in her circling and snapped her head around to face her interns. Lexie was standing at the desk behind them, chart in hand, and _Two_ was beside her, looking uncertain. "If you're done with the charts go fold something, like sheets."

Lexie and Two snapped into action, obviously already afraid of their resident in only their first week. They passed Meredith, Alex and Cristina to head across the clinic to the storage shelves.

Meredith sighed in relief that Lexie's gaze was finally off of the back of her head. She finished the last suture and took a moment to check her work. She poked around and then nodded. "Looks good." She snapped her gloves off, and then frowned as she noticed the direction of Alex's gaze. Lexie.

She smacked him on the shoulder. "What are you looking at? Don't look at her."

"Your sister is hot."

She smacked him again. "She's not my sister. I'm an only child. Don't talk to me about Lexie. And don't stare at her; it's creepy."

Alex chuckled. "You sound like a big sister."

She smacked him again.

His pager went off. "The police need me to make a statement. Are we done here?"

"For now. I'll call CT and get you in line for a scan."

"I don't need a scan."

"Chief's orders."

"Whatever. Page me when you have a time." He stood.

"You're welcome," she called sarcastically after him as he left the clinic.

He turned before he reached the door, shooting her a smile. "Thanks, Grey."

Meredith smiled back, and then shook her head as he left. She turned to Cristina, only to frown at the expression on her face. "What?"

Cristina's already wild eyes only grew larger. "I need to know why Mama is here."

Meredith resisted the urge to shake her best friend. "Go talk to Mama," she commanded. "You need to get it over with."

"But-"

"No buts. You're driving me crazy."

"Meredith-"

"Go. Now." She pointed to the door.

Cristina glared at her and huffed dramatically, but acquiesced.

Meredith couldn't help but laugh as Cristina stalked out of the clinic. She pushed the cart back to the wall and turned to head to the desk for another chart – only to come face to face with Lexie.

"The sheets are all folded," she said brightly. "What should we do now?"

If only she could get rid of Lexie like she had Cristina. "Uh..." She stammered for a moment, thinking. The clinic was quiet today, even more so than usual. All of the patients had already been assessed. "Vitals," she finally added. "Checked vitals and report back to me with any problems."

The very few patients in the clinic were stable and within Meredith's eyesight. But it was a good excuse to keep Lexie preoccupied. She sighed in relief when Lexie got to work.

Leaning across the desk, she picked up the phone and quickly entered the extension button for CT. They had an opening in an hour and she scheduled Alex for that time, hoping that would be long enough for him to make his statement to the police. She then paged him with the information. When that was done, she glanced around the clinic. Still no new patients. Lexie and Cristina's other intern were both with patients and neither looked like they needed help.

Meredith opened a chart and began making notes from her exam that morning. At the very least, working in the clinic practically guaranteed she'd be able to leave on time. She just had to make sure her notes were up to date.

She finished with the chart and reached for the next. Unfortunately, she only got half way through those notes when she was interrupted.

"Uh, Dr. _Grey_?" Lexie laughed as she said her name, as if it were funny that they had the same name. "I was wondering... Do you know where the thermometers are? Because I -"

Meredith fought the urge to roll her eyes. She had seen Lexie using a thermometer that morning. "Do you really not know where the thermometers are, Lexie, or are you just looking for an excuse to talk to me?" She asked without looking up from her chart. She had done her best to explain to Lexie that she wasn't interested in any sisterly bonding, but Lexie obviously hadn't taken the hint.

"I..." Lexie began, but trailed off quickly, caught off guard.

"Simple question, Lexie; are you an idiot or a stalker?"

Silence.

Meredith sighed, feeling bad. Yes, Lexie was being intrusive and stalkerish, but the situation wasn't her fault. She looked up from her chart to meet Lexie's now uncertain gaze. "Okay, that was a mean thing to say," she admitted, "And generally I'm not a mean person. But I'm a person who just doesn't want to know you. And you are a person who is making that very difficult." She paused. The uncertainty in Lexie's gaze was quickly being replaced with shock and something resembling hurt. Meredith forced herself to keep talking. Lexie had to understand her point of view. "So please, stop making it so difficult for me to not know you. Okay?" Without giving the shocked silent brunet a chance to respond, she grabbed her charts and moved down the counter.

She got back to work on her notes, ignoring the feel of Lexie's gaze on the back of her head again. She felt bad, but reminded herself this was necessary. If she accepted Lexie's request to talk it would lead to more. And before she would know it they'd be friends or sisters or something. And that meant Meredith was practically guaranteed to get hurt and Lexie had a good chance of having something bad happen to her.

For a moment, she believed Lexie to have taken the hint. However, footsteps moved towards her, and then Lexie spoke, her previously hopeful voice now filled with frustration.

"I am a nice person. I am. And I don't know what it is that I did to you, but, you know, we have the same dad. So, I was just thinking that a simple conversation wasn't too much to ask."

Anger flared inside her, but Meredith managed to pushed most of it down. She turned to Lexie. "We don't have the same dad, Lexie," she said quietly. "We do not have the same dad."

Lexie tried to cut in, but Meredith wouldn't let her. "My dad disappeared when I was five years old and I never saw him again. Does that sound like the dad you grew up with?"

Lexie's determined gaze faltered as she shook her head. "No..."

"I spent a long time being angry at Thatcher. And being angry at my mother. And being so afraid of getting hurt that I couldn't get close to anyone. And when I finally found a way of building a family for myself, Thatcher swooped in and almost destroyed everything. I was so close to giving up, so close. So, you understand why I don't want to know you. Because I'd bet everything I have that you've never doubted that there are people in this world that love you and will do anything for you. For me, that's something new and something I still struggle with at times. And it doesn't take a shrink to figure out why; cause our dad chose you."

Lexie stammered for a moment. "I just wanted to know you..."

"And if we had the same _dad_, I'd want to know you, too. But we didn't have the same dad. He's your family, not mine."

Lexie was silent.

"I'm sure you are a very nice girl, Lexie," she offered, for some reason wanting to rid the younger woman of the upset in her expression. "But I hope you can understand that you're not a girl I ever wanted to have to know."

Meredith cleared her throat, ignoring the small lump, and pasted a neutral expression on her face. "So, I assume you don't actually need me to show you where the thermometers are?"

Lexie shook her head and took the hint to return to her patients.

Meredith turned back to her charts, blinking away the stinging sensation as she reminded herself that she did have a family.

* * *

Confused about why he was being paged to his own office, Derek checked the small scroll on his pager as he walked down the hall towards it, just to make sure he hadn't been mistaken.

The pager was definitely directing him to his office.

He returned it to his waistband with a shrug, wondering if the Chief wanted to discuss a case. If that was the case, he hoped it would be fast. He was scheduled to go home in an hour, and he really wanted to be able to leave on time. Meredith was scheduled off at the same time as him.

The door was ajar when he arrived, and he pushed through without knocking. Instead of finding the Chief, however, he found his wife. She smiled softly at him from his desk chair.

"This is a nice surprise," he greeted, closing the door behind him.

She stood and approached him. "I wanted to see you."

He felt his brown furrow at her tone. "Everything okay?"

Her small hands snaked around his waist. "I hate today," she mumbled into his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. "It didn't get any better?"

"No."

"Lexie?"

She sighed and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I feel bad, even though I know I shouldn't. She wouldn't stop pressuring me to talk."

"Have you considered talking at all?"

"No," she said quickly.

Derek sighed, cupping her face as he debated whether or not to push. She leaned into his touch and closed his eyes. He kissed her forehead, before pressing his own forehead to hers. He wouldn't push. Not now. She needed to figure this out on her own.

"I love you," he whispered.

Her arms tightened around him. She was hurting.

Derek hugged his wife tight. "I love you," he repeated, "More than anything."

"I love you too," she murmured against him, her face now pressed into the nook between his shoulder and his neck.

"Do you want to talk about your day?"

"No."

"Okay." He rubbed her back.

"I just want to be reminded that I didn't screw everything up."

Derek pulled back, forcing her to life her head and meet his eyes. "You didn't screw _anything_ up."

"I almost did. I let him in. I let his opinion matter. I let myself care about him and want him to care about me."

Derek didn't have to ask who _he_ was to know she was speaking about Thatcher.

"And then, when he left – which I obviously should have expected from my track record – I let it dictate my thoughts. And I ran."

"You didn't run," he insisted, trying to figure out why she was suddenly so insistent about this again. In the first two days she had been in New York, she had been vulnerable about her behaviour immediately following Cristina's non-wedding. But he had believed himself to have convinced her otherwise. "You needed space. You needed to figure things out."

"I could have ruined everything."

He cupped her face with both hands, forcing her gaze to his once again. "You didn't ruin – or almost ruin – anything, Meredith. Do you hear me? Even if you hadn't come to New York, things wouldn't have been ruined. You would have spent two weeks in Hawaii. And you would have flown home last weekend, and I would have been waiting for you at the airport. And we'd probably be right here, right now. Nothing would be different."

"We wouldn't be married."

"We wouldn't be married," he agreed, "But we'd be engaged." He ran his hand through her hair. "We'd still be in love. We'd still be planning on spending the rest of our lives together. We'd just be a step or two behind, and in the grand scheme of things, a few weeks is nothing. You're allowed to need time, Meredith. You're allowed to not be perfect all the time."

Her eyes flickered at his words.

He kissed her, recognizing the vulnerability in her gaze. "You're allowed to make mistakes," he added. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter what."

She kissed him back, hard. "Thank you."

"I'll always be here."

She kissed him again. "I know."

He smiled. "You do?"

She nodded. "That's why I paged you. I need you."

"You need me, huh?" He raised an eyebrow.

She pressed against him. "I _need_ you."

"Is this that 'booty page' thing Cristina mentioned earlier?"

Meredith's lips curled up into a smirk. "I thought your office would be safe. We don't need to get caught a third time today."

"Good plan." He kissed her as his hands found their way under the hem of his top. "You're sure you're okay?"

She met his eyes as her small hands cupped his face, her fingers in his hair. She nodded. "I just need you to remind me of what I have."

He kissed her lips and cheek and neck. "That, I can do," he whispered against the soft skin of her neck.

She moaned and tugged at the hem of his scrub top. He released her for long enough to remove it, but when he reached to pull off her top, she backed up. For a moment he was concerned, but then she giggled and turned away, making a show of marching up to the door and turning the lock. "I'm not taking any chances this time."

"Good thinking."

Meredith returned to his arms, pulling off her scrub top on the way.

Derek couldn't help but think about how beautiful she was, and how lucky he was. The moment she was back in his arms he captured her lips with his. She deserved so much more than she's ever gotten from anyone. And he was going to be the person in her life to break the cycle.

_**AN: After the worries leading up to the end of 'season three' I just wanted to write a reminder that (1) I am trying to follow the show as much as possible and (2) this story is about Meredith and Derek being together, and happy as much as possible. That being said, even though they're married and secure and happy, a lot of crap happened to Meredith and she's struggling to adjust to Lexie (who in this universe has only been in Meredith's life for a few days and is the bright and shiny daughter of the man who abandoned her). They will, of course, be sisters eventually, like in the show, but that's not going to happen overnight. And Meredith still has some things to deal with. But I assure everyone who is reading this that she will be dealing with things WITH Derek.**_

_**Second, I just really wanted to thank everyone who has stuck with this story for so long (more than 3 years now!). My updating has sucked lately, and I apologize for that. I'm trying to deal with a lot of my own crap and I'm not getting nearly as much time to write as I want. I had expected to have a week of in September, and had planned to spend much of it writing, but instead I ended up spending my vacation week from work dealing with family issues with absolutely no time to write. My fingers are crossed that things will continue improving and I can get back to writing regularly. I want to get through 'season 4' as quickly as possible, and I'm hoping to get back into HWA by the end of the year.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	99. Chapter 99

_**AN: I really hope you like this chapter. It's very fluffy. I'm having a bad week, and I needed to write something drama free. I also started watching season one on a whim, so there's hints of that in here too. One scene in particular, I had wanted to save for chapter 100, but it fit so well in here that I couldn't wait another chapter. This will be the last double digit chapter (how did THAT happen?), so I really wanted to thank everyone for sticking with this story for so long.**_

Derek sighed as his brain found consciousness. His eyes were closed, but he could sense it was no longer dark. He had gotten home late the night before – after midnight. He had been exhausted, and it had been all he could do to drive home after his marathon shift. Meredith had been fast asleep when he had quietly crept into their darkened bedroom, stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed next to her. She hadn't stirred, even when he had leaned over to press a kiss against her cheek.

She was obviously awake now, though, as he could hear movement next to him. He stretched his legs downwards and then rolled onto his back. A series of crinkling noises accompanied his movements. He felt his brow furrow. "What...?" Propping himself up on his elbows, he glanced down, frowning at the newspaper covering the bedspread. He turned his head to the left.

"Morning," Meredith offered. She was sitting upright beside him, her lips pursed and her attention on the newspaper in her hands.

"This is new," he commented.

She giggled, momentarily dropping the newspaper in her hands to her lap, and reached her hand towards him, burying her fingers in his hair. "I've had enough."

"Enough?"

"Enough," she confirmed with a nod.

Derek yawned and ran his hand over his face, wondering briefly if he was still asleep and this was some kind of strange dream. He rolled onto his side, facing his wife. "Enough of what?"

"This." She gestured around her.

He glanced around their bedroom. "Uh..."

She giggled at his lost expression. "The house. The roommates. I've had enough. And we said two weeks ago that we were going to start looking for a new place to live, but we haven't yet. And we _finally_ have a day off together, so I thought we should start looking.

Derek finally actually looked at the newspaper, recognizing pages related to rentals and house sales. He smiled. "You've had enough," he said knowingly. He shifted so he was sitting against the headboard right beside her.

"I had a shower when I woke up this morning and Izzy knocked for like five minutes straight." They had installed the new lock over almost two weeks ago, and it wasn't being accepted as well as Meredith would have liked.

He chuckled. "So, we're looking for a place to live."

She nodded. "I wasn't sure what exactly to look for, so I brought up ads for, well, everything."

Derek reached for the closest page of newspaper ads – the one that had been resting on his chest. "Good thinking." He scanned the page. "Are we looking for a mansion?"

Meredith shrugged. "I haven't looked at those pages yet. I don't really think we need a mansion, but if you want to look at them..." She trailed off, leaving the offer open ended, knowing he wouldn't want such a large home either.

"I think we should live here," Derek said, pointing to a massive stone house on a ten acre estate.

She laughed and leaned close to rest her head on his shoulder. "We'll put it on the list," she joked.

"I guess we need to decide what we're looking for before we start looking..."

"My only criteria right now is no roommates."

"Yesterday you told me you loved your roommates and never wanted to leave," he pointed out. They had dragged themselves out of bed late – a product of being newlyweds – and after rushing through showers and getting dressed, they had discovered exactly two travel mugs worth of hot coffee waiting in the pot in the kitchen and pancakes sitting on the stove. Meredith had, of course, had no qualms about cold pancakes and had gushed about how much she loved their roommates as she somehow put away four pancakes in the time it took them to drive to the hospital. Even after a year together, he hadn't been able to shake her belief that cold leftovers were an acceptable way to start the day.

She laughed again. "Yesterday no one had pissed me off."

He chuckled. "Remind me not to piss you off again until _after_ we move out. I don't want to end up stuck here while you're living it up somewhere else."

She continued laughing and reached for his hand. "Never."

"Good." He kissed the top of her head and squeezed her hand, his heart tugging at how happy he felt. Meredith was the love of his life – he had known that for some time. And she had made him happier than he had ever been. But something had changed in the last three weeks. _They _had changed. Not remarkably. Not in a way that was obvious to the outside world. In a way only they could feel. Because even though she was still recovering from the many challenges life had thrust upon her in such a short period of time, she had, if anything, opened up to him more. Her character had a new lightness to it.

She was happy.

He smiled at the knowledge that _he_ made her happy.

"So, what are we looking for?"

"I have no idea. It would be nice to stay close to the hospital."

"Walking distance close?"

She shrugged. "That would be nice, but not necessary."

"How much space do you want?"

"Mmm," she murmured thoughtfully. "I like the idea of having some extra room, but nothing crazy."

"So, in other words, we can toss the ads for the mansions."

"Exactly."

He made a show of crinkling up the page of mansions into a ball and tossing it onto the floor. When she giggled, he joined her. He then reached for a page of condos and held it up for the two of them to look at together.

"That one looks nice," she commented on a two bedroom loft near the hospital.

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed. "There's a few that look promising. Maybe we can make some calls this morning and go see a few this afternoon?"

"Sounds good."

He set aside the page and reached for another.

"What time did you get home last night?" She questioned.

"Around one. You were out cold."

"I was exhausted," she said. "I went to bed at nine."

"It'll get better," he assured. The first few weeks with interns were always the hardest. The residents needed to be around the hospital more than ever for the sake of supervision. Meredith had been at the hospital for at least two days before she had finally been able to leave. Having expected to be able to leave with her at a reasonable hour, he had been stuck in emergency surgery until almost midnight, and had found a note on his desk from her saying she was hitching a ride home with Alex. Her excessive hours were the main reason they hadn't officially started their house hunting yet. On the one day she had had off in the past two weeks he had been stuck in surgery all day.

"I hope so," she said. "I thought becoming a resident meant I'd be getting more sleep; not less."

"Just think of how little sleep you were getting a year ago."

She made a face. "I think I had blocked that out."

He chuckled.

"But I still think it was more sleep then." She sent him a smirk. "I didn't have you keeping me up all night. Not yet, anyway. I just had to deal with you stalking me in the hospital."

He scoffed. "I didn't stalk you. You were all over me at work."

"I was not!"

"Were too. It was sad."

She elbowed him in the ribs. "You were the sad one. I wanted nothing to do with you."

"How do you explain jumping me in an elevator?"

She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

Derek smirked, knowing he had her.

Meredith huffed. "I was having a bad day. _One_ time."

"You also jumped me at your party."

"Okay, first, that was not my party. I'm still mad at Izzy for pulling that. And two, I so did not jump you. I was perfectly happy by myself that night."

"You were drunk and dancing by yourself on the porch. With a bottle of tequila in your arms," he pointed out.

"Exactly. I was drunk. You took advantage."

"We are not starting that one again."

"I so didn't initiate that. Why were you even there?"

He shrugged. "It was a party-"

"That you _weren't_ invited to. A fact that you made sure to point out."

"I was invited," he insisted.

"No, you weren't. You even told me," she reminded. "Earlier that day. Remember? I asked how you even knew about the party, because I still thought it was going to be small."

"I do remember. But then you texted me from the party and asked me to come."

"I did not."

"You did," he insisted.

"I did not," she repeated.

He chuckled at the realization that she truly didn't remember. "You did," he said again, only this time leaving the joking tone behind. "Remember how the day before you had given me crap for kidnapping your phone while you were scrubbing out and putting my number in it?"

She stared at him for a long moment. "I remember that, but I didn't text you."

Derek couldn't help but smile at her tenacity. "You didn't invite me to the party, even after I hinted. And you refused to go out with me that night, so I was stayed late at the hospital. I was on my way to the ferry to go home that night when your text came through, asking me to come over. And when I pulled up, there you were, dancing on the front porch. I thought you were waiting for me."

"You're not making this up?"

He shook his head. "You really asked me to come over."

She made a face. "So, you're telling me the whole getting caught naked in your car by Bailey was my fault?"

He smirked. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

She laughed, burying her face into his chest. "All this time... I thought you just showed up."

He laughed, hugging her tight. "And all this time I thought I had been making progress. I was thrilled when I got your text. It renewed my efforts to woo you."

"I blamed you for the whole Bailey thing," she mumbled into his chest.

"That's okay."

She lifted her head. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"How was I supposed to know you didn't remember?"

"So, you didn't know I didn't know?"

"No. I mean yes. I mean... I didn't know you didn't know." He ran his hand up her arm and across her shoulder to cup her cheek. "Why do you think I was so insistent we sneak inside?"

"You thought I invited you over," she said in understanding.

He nodded. "And now, a year later, I find out I was just a vulnerable soul who fell for a drunken text..."

She laughed and leaned in to kiss him. "Thank you for coming over that night. Even with the Bailey thing, it was memorable."

He kissed her back. "It was my pleasure."

"Actually, it was _our_ pleasure."

"Good point." He kissed her again. "Though, I still would have won you over eventually."

"You were very insistent."

"With good reason."

"You had no way of knowing at that time that we would end up...here."

"I did," he insisted. "I fell for you the moment I saw you."

"I think that was the alcohol."

"That may have helped with the nerves."

She cocked her head. "You really knew? At Joe's?"

He took a breath and then exhaled slowly, thinking back. "No. I was definitely drawn to you at Joe's, and after. But when I _knew_? I think that was when you finally agreed to go out with me."

"Yeah?"

He nodded, smiling at her expression. "I asked. You said yes. And I was so surprised after being turned down so many times that I didn't know what to say. And you were just so...nonchalant about it."

_Derek was tired after spending the past twenty-four hours in the hospital – he was still adjusting to a hospital setting after spending the years since his residency in private practice – but wasn't as exhausted as he would have expected. It was exciting working in a hospital again. His patients were more interesting. His surgeries were more exciting. And – as his new favourite intern walked past him – the company was definitely much better._

_ It was very early morning, so early the sun hadn't begun its rise into the sky yet. He could see his patient asleep in the hospital bed down the hall, recovering from having several nails removed from his skull. His very supportive wife was curled up in the chair next to him, prepared to spend the next ten years with a man who looked like her husband, but didn't remember her or her love of red, should the upcoming tumour removal not go as hoped._

_ It wasn't a situation he envied. But he did envy their relationship._

_ Meredith paused, halfway between him and the patient's room. She turned towards him, her upper incisors biting into her lower lip – a habit he had begun to recognize. "They're still going along with the surgery?"_

_ He nodded._

_ She sighed, but said nothing, turning back to the patient and staring down the hall._

_ "It's their choice," he offered._

_ She turned back to him, stepping closer. "Are you operating today?"_

_ "No. I'll give him a few days."_

_ "To recover from yesterday's surgery?"_

_ He stared at her, not quite knowing what to say. Apparently, though, he didn't have to know which words to use. She understood._

_ "You think he's going to lose his memory." It wasn't a question._

_ He ran a hand through his hair. "I hope not," he offered._

_ "But you're giving them some time. Just in case."_

_ There was a glint in her eyes that he couldn't make out. "Yes."_

_ She nodded. "That's good. Time is...good."_

_ "Mmm, it is." He offered her a smile, which grew in size when she smiled in response. And when she averted her eyes and looked away, almost as if she were embarrassed, he felt his heart tug. She certainly was something special._

_ "So," he started, changing the subject, "I don't have anything scheduled for the morning."_

_ "I'm off today. Well, I was supposed to be off..." She glanced at her watch, "...Eleven hours ago." She sighed and leaned onto the counter in front of her, reaching for a chart._

_ Derek sidled up to the counter beside her. She didn't look up, but he didn't let it deter him. "I was thinking about going out for breakfast..."_

_ She said nothing, dutifully making notes in the chart._

_ "You could come with me?" He asked lightly, "Breakfast can be better than leftover grilled cheese."_

_ "Okay," she said quietly, with a shrug._

_ "And don't even get me started on the cold pizza. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."_

_ She looked up from her chart. "I said okay."_

_ He met her eyes, surprised. After weeks of hearing the word no, he hadn't processed her first yes. "Okay," he practically whispered._

_ She shrugged again. "Okay." The corners of her lips quirked upward, as if she couldn't prevent a smile._

_ He smiled back, unable to hold back his own smile. He had started to worry he would never get a yes. "Okay," he said again, now with much more confidence._

_ Her gaze flickered, as if she would look away. But she didn't. Her gaze remained trained on his._

_ Derek had to remind himself to breathe. Her eyes were sparkling, despite her obvious exhaustion, and with the soft smile on her lips he felt like he could see __**her**__. And she was definitely something special._

_ "Don't make a big deal out of it," she said quietly. "It's just breakfast."_

_ His smile grew. "Just breakfast," he agreed, before cocking his head, "For now." She's said yes to breakfast, but they both knew this would be more than just breakfast. It _was_ a big deal._

_ He eyes remained on his for a few more seconds before it became too much for her and she looked away, focusing on her chart again. He could just make out her incisors pressing down into her lower lip again._

_ Derek chose to keep quiet now, knowing she was conflicted. But the fact that she was finally saying yes made his heart beat faster. She was saying yes even though she was an intern and he was an attending. That meant she was feeling what he was feeling too._

_ He smiled to himself at the knowledge. He was definitely hooked._

"I think I knew by then, too," Meredith said, pulling him back to the present. "As much as I knew it was wrong and knew I should just keep saying no, I just...couldn't."

"I'm glad. You were starting to ding my ego saying no every time."

She laughed. "I think your ego is strong enough to take some rejection."

"Maybe, but not from you."

"Well," she said with a shrug, "You won't have to worry about that anymore." She held up her left hand to prove her point. "You've got me."

He smiled, reaching for her hand and running his fingers over the thin strip of metal on her ring finger. "You've got me, too," he echoed her words truthfully. He had never expected to be this happy, and now that he was, he never wanted it to end.

Releasing her hand, he wrapped his arms around his wife. "I'm sorry we didn't get to go to dinner last night." They had planned on going out before he had been called into emergency surgery.

"Me too," she responded, snuggling closer, "But at the same time, I'm not sure I wouldn't have fallen asleep at the table..."

He laughed. "That wouldn't have been good."

She giggled. "We could go out tonight instead?"

"Sounds good." He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "How was the rest of your shift?" He asked. "Other than long?" The previous day had been so stressful that neither of them had had much of a chance to talk.

"It was..." She sighed. "I don't know."

"Lexie again?" He asked knowingly. Despite her persistency that she didn't care, Derek knew better. She was afraid of getting hurt, but she still cared. She always cared. About everyone. All the time.

"Yeah." She sighed again. "I was working in the pit with her. A trauma came in – MVA – and the guy was clearly DOA. Probably died on impact. I had Lexie do an intubation. It's something Bailey had me do countless times," she added quickly.

"I know," he reassured. "It's something we've all used to teach."

"Yeah, well, Lexie didn't think it was a good training exercise. She yelled at me. Told me I was too cavalier and didn't do everything I could." She paused. "There was nothing I could have done."

He rubbed her back, knowing she felt every loss, just like he did.

"And then she went to Bailey and told her I hated her and..." She trailed off.

"And?" He prompted.

She lifted her head from his shoulder to meet his eyes. "She told Bailey I hated Susan."

"Oh, Mer," he murmured, brushing his thumb across her cheek. It had only been six weeks since Susan Grey had died.

"Bailey lectured me. Said I hadn't been nice to Lexie, so it was fair that she felt the way she did. And I...I guess she has a point. So I..."

He cocked his head. "What?"

"I got Susan's file and I walked Lexie through everything that happened that day. And I...I told her how much Susan meant to me. And she was just so..." She trailed off again with a huff. "She's too freaking nice. And I hate that she's nice. Because it makes it hard to not care."

"Meredith..."

"She cried," Meredith said. "When I told her about Susan. And then when it was over she thanked me and she...hugged me. And I couldn't... I didn't know what to say. She's not my sister. I don't want a relationship with her. But she's so nice that I don't know how to not know her."

He hooked his finger into the collar of her shirt and pulled her close. She smiled softly as she leaned towards him, her lips easily finding his.

"Would it be the worst thing in the world to know her?" He asked softly when she pulled away.

"She's not my sister."

"She doesn't have to be your sister for you to know her. She could be your friend."

"I have friends."

He smiled at her tenacity. "Okay, she could be an acquaintance."

She smiled back at him, grateful for his attempts. "I don't know."

He pulled her close again, brushing his lips against hers before whispering, "You don't have to know right now."

"Thank you," she whispered against him.

Heavy footsteps echoed in the hallway outside their room and then a door slammed. Meredith flinched and then laughed. "We _really_ need to get on the whole house hunting thing."

He kissed her again and then released her, reaching for the discarded page of condos. "Agreed."

* * *

"I liked the second place we looked at," Meredith offered. It was hours later, and after spending much of their day looking – unsuccessfully – at potential new homes, they were having dinner.

He raised an eyebrow. "You mean the place with the yellow walls?"

She shrugged. "Okay, so it was too bright and shiny for us, but that's what paint is for."

"I don't think I'd ever be able to get the memory of the colour out of my head."

Meredith laughed, causing Derek to smile at the sound.

"I think we can do a lot better," he continued. They had only been able to get in to see a few places that day on such short notice.

She smiled at him from across the table.

He smiled back, cocking his head to the side at her expression. "What?"

She shrugged. "Nothing."

"Meredith..."

Her smile grew, and then she bit down on her lower lip for a moment. "I just...had a good day."

"Even though it didn't result in anything?"

She nodded. "I've never gone house hunting with my husband before. It was...nice. Makes me feel very grownup..."

Derek couldn't help but smile at how easily the term _husband_ had fluttered from her lips. It had only been three weeks, and yet being married to her already seemed like the most natural thing in the world, other than the fact that his heart leapt every time she called him her husband. He could still picture the brilliant smile on her face when they had been pronounced husband and wife.

_ Derek was grateful they had decided to get married along the quiet end of the beach; the direction he and Meredith had taken their walk on the first night. There were very few people still out at this time in the evening and they could only hear brief wisps of the noise coming from the beach on the other site of their resort._

_ Having just finished speaking to the photographer from the resort – he had promised Meredith they would have a picture and he had made sure he kept his word – he turned towards the beach and his eyes found his very-soon-to-be wife standing along the very edge of the beach, her bare feet sinking into the sand at the water's edge._

_ She was wearing the white and purple dress they had purchased in New York as a 'just in case,' and he couldn't remember her ever looking as beautiful as she did at that moment. Of course, that could have just as much to do with the fact that she was about to marry him._

_ Also barefoot, wearing dark pants and a light shirt with an open collar, he padded up silently behind her, snaking his hands around her waist. "You look gorgeous," he commented into the soft skin at the crook of her neck._

_ She shivered slightly in his arms. "It's the perfect night," she murmured, her voice portraying nothing but contentment._

_ "Mmm-hmm," he agreed, resting his chin on her shoulder and his cheek against hers as they stared out at the ocean together. The sun was dipping down in the sky, but not so far that it could be considered dusk yet. The air was cool around them, but the water lapping against their feet was still warm. It _was_ a perfect night. Of course, he would think that if they were in the middle of a tropical storm right now. Any day that she swore the rest of her life to him would be perfect._

_ "The water's not scary anymore," she murmured, leaning back against his chest._

_ "I'm glad." It was almost fitting that they were getting married here, along the edge of the water, because even though it had threatened to tear her away from him and destroy him in the process, it had instead made them stronger. They had overcome everything thrown at them, and they were here now, about to promise each other forever. "God, I love you," he whispered._

_ Her hands found his. "I love you too, Derek, so much."_

_ He kissed her neck again. "You ready to do this?"_

_ She turned in his arms, a gentle smile on her lips. "I really am." Her hair was wavy like he liked it, gentle almost-curls framing her face. Her eyes sparkled despite the low light. _

_She took his breath away._

_ "Are you ready?" She questioned at his silence._

_ "Oh, Mer, I've been ready for...ever," he breathed. "I'm just..." He trailed off, unable to come up with the right verb._

_ "Me too," she whispered knowingly, pressing herself against him._

_ He kissed her forehead as her hands snaked around his waist, and for a few moments he just focussed on breathing, his chin resting on her head. This would be the last moment they shared as an unmarried couple; it was a moment he would always remember. She sighed, and he could feel the warm exhale of breath against his neck. And after another deep breath, Meredith pulled away, her eyes still sparkling like he'd never seen. She was as ready for this as he was._

_ "Come on," she murmured, grasping his hand and tugging him towards the officiator waiting patiently down the beach. They had opted against including any props in their ceremony. No flowers. No arch. No aisle. They would walk together to the officiator, just as they were doing now. There would be no more fitting symbolism than that._

_ When they arrived, Derek reached for Meredith's other hand. Her gaze didn't leave his as the officiator began. He could feel his heart thudding in his chest and he squeezed her hands. She squeezed back. They were really doing this. They were checking off the most important item on their list._

_ The introduction was short. There was no 'we are gathered here today' opening section because there were no guests. There was just a short, simple statement about marriage. It included words like 'love' and 'trust' and 'forever.'_

_ Meredith's eyes welled as she said her vows, but her voice held nothing but certainty. He smiled and squeezed her hands when she finished, and by the time he finished with his own vows, her form was blurry through the tears in his own eyes._

_ Her hand trembled slightly when she slid the wedding band onto his finger. It felt cool and new, but perfectly welcome. She smiled tenderly at him as he slipped her matching band onto her finger, next to her engagement ring, and his heart melted at the amazed look in her eyes._

_ They were pronounced husband and wife._

_ Her previously soft smile flourished like he'd never seen, even after spending the last year of his life with her. She inhaled a shuddery breath, her damp eyes brighter than ever. Derek had to remind himself to breathe as he lifted his newly ringed left hand to cup her face. His thumb brushed at the tear track on her cheek as he took a moment to simply savour._

_ And then he kissed his wife. _

"...And I guess I'm really looking forward to having a place that's just ours, even if it takes a while to find the right place. The process is fun," Meredith finished her explanation, pulling Derek from his memory.

His heart swelled at the enthusiasm in her tone. Despite the stress and exhaustion of the past few weeks – not to mention the half-sister roaming the halls of the hospital – Meredith had been nothing but open with him.

She cocked her head, her eyes narrowing. "I lost you there for a moment," she commented.

He nodded. "I was just thinking."

Her lips curled into a playful smirk. "I know how difficult that can be for you..."

"I was thinking about our wedding," he retorted.

The smirk transformed into a smile, not unlike the one she had gifted him with three weeks earlier. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

She reached across the table for his hand. "It was pretty great, huh?"

"Best day of my life," he said honestly.

Her smile flared again. "Me too."

"Any regrets about doing it the way we did?"

She shook her head. "Nope." Then she laughed, "Though Izzy is still upset we didn't have a ceremony. Something about flowers and cummerbunds and dance lessons?"

He chuckled. "I can _totally_ see us at dance lessons," he said sarcastically.

Meredith shrugged. "Izzy's weird."

"Unfortunately, I think it's us who are weird. A lot of people want big weddings."

She made a face. "I'm glad we didn't."

"Me too. Though..." He trailed off, thinking.

"Though what?" She prompted, just a hint of worry in her tone.

He smiled reassuringly at her. "I'm glad we got married the way we did," he said, "But it would have been nice to have a reception of some sorts. Even just a dinner with our friends."

"We can still do that. It won't be easy to find a time when everyone can come, but we can try."

"That would be nice. Maybe we could do it when we find a place to live."

She nodded. "It could be a combined reception and housewarming party."

"Sounds perfect."

"Then we just have one thing left to do."

"And what's that?"

She smirked at him. "Find a place to live."

He chuckled, knowing he should have seen that one coming. "We will. If we can get through the last year like we did, house hunting should be a breeze."


	100. 48 Uninterrupted Hours

_**AN: Welcome to chapter One Hundred!**_

* * *

A little more than five weeks had passed since Meredith's first shift as a full-fledged resident, and it was only now that felt able to work a few less hours a week and leave her interns to fend for themselves more. The little bit of extra sleep she was getting was nice, not to mention it was incredibly nice to have dinner with her husband more than once a week.

She had been on call the night before, but had actually gotten a few solid hours of sleep. She was scheduled to be off at four that evening, and didn't have to be back for the entire weekend. It was the first time since returning from her two week vacation that she had more than one day off at a time.

And the best part was that Derek's schedule was the same. They had decided to forgo their – as of yet unsuccessful – house hunting for the weekend and head out to the trailer for some privacy. She just had to get through the next eight hours.

Rounds were over, her patients were stable and her interns were all assigned for the day. She wasn't scheduled to be in surgery for an hour, so she had taken the opportunity to head downstairs to the coffee cart.

Her coffee was still too hot to drink, but there was nothing to stop her from inhaling the steam wafting though the lid. The halls were quiet as she meandered back to the elevators, and when the elevator doors opened, the elevator was empty. She stepped on and pressed the button for the surgical floor, inhaling the steam from her coffee cup again. Just eight more hours until she had an entire weekend off with her husband.

Just eight more hours.

She couldn't wait.

The elevator doors began to close, but a hand shoved between them at the last moment, and they opened.

Meredith looked up and smiled as her husband joined her. "Morning."

"Morning," he echoed, his hands finding her hips as he leaned in to kiss her. "How was your night?"

"Better than expected. I actually got a few hours of sleep."

He smiled. "Good." His lips found her neck.

"You're in an awfully good mood this morning," she commented.

He chuckled, his breath warm against the sensitive skin in the crook of her neck. "Let's go away this weekend."

"We _are_ going away this weekend," she pointed out.

He moved away quickly, leaving her momentarily confused. And then his palm found the emergency stop button. A heartbeat later, she was back in his arms, her back pressed up against the wall. "The trailer doesn't count. Let's go somewhere else."

"Like where?"

"Wine country."

"Wine country?"

"Mmm, yes," he murmured into the crook of her neck.

She grasped onto his arm with her free hand and struggled to keep her coffee upright as he pressed into her. "Are we wine country type of people?"

His breath was hot against her neck as he chuckled. "We like wine. We like being in the country. It just makes sense."

Meredith giggled. "What's wrong with a bottle of wine at the trailer?"

"It's not the same."

"Wasn't the theme for this weekend that we had forty-eight uninterrupted hours together?"

"Forty-eight _uninterrupted_ hours," he agreed.

She buried the fingers of her free hand in his hair. "I'm not seeing the point in driving all that way just to spend the weekend in bed..."

He pulled his lips from her neck so that he could meet her eyes. His were shining with the level of enthusiasm she had seen a year before, when he had spent so much of his time trying to convince her to go out with him.

She knew he wasn't about to relent now. Not that she wanted him to.

"It's romantic," he insisted.

"That is true," she agreed, pretending to be thinking about the idea. In truth, she had been sold on the idea of a weekend away with her husband the moment he had mentioned it. "The trailer isn't all that romantic."

"Exactly." He pecked her lips. "And we wouldn't have to cook. Well, _I_ wouldn't have to cook. You never cook anyway."

She mock glared at him. "That's not very nice. You being mean to me doesn't exactly fill me with willingness to spend my weekend off with you."

"It's _our_ weekend off," he corrected. "And it's a special weekend. We could even call it a honeymoon."

Meredith couldn't suppress her smile any longer. "I thought we had our honeymoon?"

Derek shook his head. "That didn't count. We weren't married until the end of the trip."

"You know, Derek Shepherd, you're giving me very high expectations of what a husband should be like. I'm going to start expecting things like this in the future."

He smirked. "It's okay. Your husband can handle it. He's always up for a challenge."

She giggled.

"So," he prompted, "Are you in?"

"Oh, I'm in."

* * *

With seven hours to go, Meredith found herself a few minutes early for her surgery so she was taking her time scrubbing in. After extracting herself from her husband, and their elevator, she had checked her patients, ensured her interns weren't killing anyone, and even had time left over to briefly research her upcoming surgery.

She would be assisting the Chief and Bailey in a tumour resection. It wasn't particularly noteworthy, save for the fact that it was wrapped around the hepatic artery; hence the need for Webber _and_ Bailey. With two surgeons already on the case, Meredith didn't expect to assist so much as watch. On another day this may have frustrated her, but today she had something to look forward to.

Derek had promised to take care of all of the details, saying her wanted to surprise her. His smile had been so eager and his eyes so bright that she hadn't been able to do more than shrug and tell him she trusted him to make the weekend unforgettable.

The door behind her opened, and Meredith turned her head. "Dr. Webber," she greeted.

"Dr. Grey," he nodded stiffly. "Have you heard from Dr. Bailey this morning?"

Meredith frowned at his offhand tone. His personality had been different since she had gotten back from vacation. She assumed it was due to the still present conflict between himself and Bailey following his decision to overlook her for Chief Resident.

"I haven't heard from her."

He nodded as he focused on scrubbing in.

"Everything okay, Chief?"

"She's not answering her page," he responded, referring to Bailey.

"Do you want me to go find her?"

Before he could answer, the opened, and Bailey appeared.

"We were getting worried," Webber said, his tone suddenly lighter. "We were going to send out a search party," he attempted to joke.

Bailey's expression didn't change. "I was with a patient. And I'm still two minutes early."

The Chief turned his attention back to his hands.

Meredith felt her brow furrow. His demeanour had lightened with Bailey's appearance, and not the other way around. That meant it was something else.

With a sigh, she rinsed her hands and then headed into the OR to prepare for the surgery.

* * *

Six hours to go.

Meredith had never felt so uninterested in surgery before. Webber and Bailey were working together on the patient in complete silence. She was mad at him and he was mad at...something. And nether were paying any attention to Meredith, who had given up trying to get a clear view – or any view – on the procedure. The incision was small and the space very limited. And neither of her superiors – who were supposed to be teaching her – seemed willing to so much as let her have a peek, let alone perform any of the procedure. Her gloves were still clean and dry.

"There's a-" The Chief began, only to be cut off by a, "I got it," from Bailey, the first verbal conversation in over thirty minutes. Meredith didn't know what it had been about, and no one offered to explain.

She sighed, allowing her mind to drift to the coming weekend. She had been so busy in the last six weeks that had she not known she had the weekend off and that it started tomorrow, she wouldn't have been able to tell anyone what day of the week it was. As it was, she wouldn't be able to provide the date if she were to be asked.

Derek had been amazingly patient, probably because he had gone through this as well and knew there was nothing she could do. But still, she could tell he was as frustrated as she was. It wasn't easy to juggle three interns while attempting to learn as much as she could; especially when she was stuck in a boring surgery with two unwilling teachers.

Now that her interns were becoming more independent, her time at the hospital was finally decreasing. Most importantly, that meant she could commit to more intense house hunting. The inability to commit to a time, or even a day, to see a house, apartment or condo meant they could get in to see very few. And even though she had pushed him to go without her, Derek had refused.

_We're looking for __**our**__home,_ he had insisted, _How can I do that without you?_

Her heart had melted. And they had decided to look into hiring a realtor after they got back from their weekend.

* * *

Five hours to go.

Meredith was daydreaming. She had never let her mind actively daydream in surgery before, but there was a first time for everything. Webber and Bailey hadn't moved. They were still bent over the patient, working silently. Eleven words had been exchanged in the past hour. Meredith knew because she had counted. She had given up even trying to look interested after she had asked a question, only to receive a grunt and a half nod as a reply from her Chief of Surgery.

She rocked back and forth from her heels to her toes, trying to wake up her numbing legs. Normally, when she was in the OR, she wasn't aware of her body. She was focused and interested in the surgery. Now, however, she was simply standing in a silent, boring room.

The movement helped, so she stretched her spine upwards and then flexed her shoulders.

She caught the gaze of the anaesthesiologist. He offered her a sympathetic smile.

She smiled back through her mask.

He went back to his magazine.

Meredith sighed. The surgery was only expected to be three hours, so at least she was two thirds of the way through.

She flexed her unnecessarily gloved fingers. Then she flexed her neck.

Her head bobbed to a silent tune for a few moments.

She sighed again, feeling as if she could leave the room and no one would notice. It was tempting. She'd never bring herself to do it, but she definitely wanted to.

Suddenly feeling as though she were being watched, she looked up to the gallery, meeting familiar blue eyes.

Derek offered her a warm smile from his perch on one of the gallery chairs. He held an unopened chart in his hands, so he must have just shown up.

She smiled back, knowing he couldn't really make it out under her mask, but would recognize the intent.

As if he had been aware of her movements through the surgery, the Chief's gaze shot up as soon as hers did. "Grey," he barked, "Go and update the patient's family. The procedure's going to take an extra hour at least."

"Of course, Chief," she said quickly, rushing out of the OR.

* * *

Four hours to go.

Cristina and Izzie were at the Nurses' Station, updating charts as Meredith passed on her way back from updating the patient's family. The update had been long. She had struggled to answer their questions, because despite their worry over the extended timeframe, Meredith didn't know the reason for the delay. With Webber and Bailey silent and unwilling throughout the two hours she had spent in surgery with them, Meredith had no idea how the surgery was progressing.

"Aren't you supposed to be in surgery?" Cristina questioned as Meredith collapsed onto a free chair.

"I'm trying to waste as much time as possible before I have to be back in there. I didn't know surgery _could_ be boring. But I was wrong. Very, very wrong."

"Tumour resection?" Izzie asked.

Meredith nodded. "Only Bailey and Webber aren't talking to each other. And neither of them will talk to me. Or let me close enough to see. I literally stood there for two hours doing absolutely nothing. It's like time doesn't exist."

"Bailey's still pissed that the Chief made Callie Chief Resident," Cristina said. "I'd be pissed too."

"She's hurt," Izzie added. "She's always done so much extra for this hospital. She deserved the job more."

"I get why they're not really talking, and why she's not happy, but what's up with the Chief?"

Izzie shrugged. "He hasn't been any different."

Cristina nodded her agreement.

"How can you say that? He's been all short and snippy since we became residents."

"Maybe it's just the stress of new interns and we just didn't notice last year because we were the interns?" Izzie offered.

Meredith sighed. "I don't know. But I do know I have to get back in there before they notice I'm still gone." She stood and said a quick goodbye to her friends before making the trudge back to the OR.

Once she had rescrubbed, Meredith walked into the OR and announced that she had updated the family. She stressed that they had had many questions, in an effort to excuse her absence for so long. Neither looked up.

The scrub nurse offered her gloves, but Meredith shook her head. Clearly she wasn't going to need them.

She glanced up at the gallery, but there was no more Derek.

She was alone in her boredom once again.

* * *

Three hours to go.

The procedure was finally over. Four words had announced its completion.

The Chief had said to Bailey, "Can you close?"

Bailey had said to the Chief, "Yes."

Meredith had released a breath of relief.

Dr. Webber removed his gown and gloves as he strode past her and disappeared back into the scrub room.

"Do you need any help, Dr. Bailey?" Meredith offered.

"I got it, Grey." She responded. "Can you check on my post ops? Mrs. Gutterman first. Her blood pressure dropped overnight."

"Of course." Meredith turned for the scrub room to scrub out.

The Chief was at the far sink.

Uncertain to his attitude, Meredith chose the first sink and scrubbed out quickly. Seeing as she had not touched the patient, it was really more of a formality. She had dried her hands by the time the Chief finished at the sink. It wasn't until he had paper towel in his hands and she was reaching to unclasp the chain from around her neck that he spoke.

"Good work today, Grey," he offered, although his tone portrayed that the statement was automatic.

"Uh, thank you," she responded unevenly. Cleary she hadn't done good work because she hadn't done any work at all. The chain came loose and she pulled her wedding band free, before refastening the chain with her engagement ring still on it. Although she had been hesitant to wear her engagement ring on her finger in the hospital, she found she liked wearing her wedding band when she wasn't expecting to be in surgery.

"Your mother would be proud of you," Richard said as she was slipping the band back onto her ring finger.

"For...?" She trailed off.

He glanced down at her hand and then back up to her eyes.

"For getting married?" She chortled. "You and I both know she wouldn't be proud of me for this, Chief. She'd be disappointed. She'd probably say something like I'm giving up my future and I'll never amount to anything."

"Your mother wasn't a bad person."

"I know," she said honestly, "She just wasn't a good mother. She was always a surgeon first. Personal lives were just...distractions."

"And you don't feel that way?"

"I know it's easier to be alone than to be with someone, but it's better to be with someone than to be alone."

Richard regarded her for a long moment. "I assume he told you that I offered him Chief."

Meredith nodded. Derek had told her he had been offered the position, but had turned it down. He had decided he didn't want to do it anymore. He liked his life the way it was. "I haven't told anyone, if that's what you're worried about. Everyone else thinks you just decided to stay before a decision was reached by the board."

"I know you wouldn't tell anyone," he responded.

Meredith hesitated, uncertain how to respond. Webber was clearly unhappy about something.

"He told me he didn't want to job because he wanted a full life outside the hospital."

Meredith nodded. Derek had told her the rationale behind his decision, and as much as she wanted to believe he could have both, she knew how hard it would be to balance. She wondered suddenly if the Chief's attitude was a result of his strained relationship with his wife. Derek had mentioned Richard had been fighting to get Adele to take him back.

"I just didn't realize..." Richard continued, but trailed off quickly. He stared at Meredith for a long moment, as if he wanted to say something, but wasn't sure if he should. In the end, he shrugged and left the room with the reason of, "I have patients to check on."

Meredith frowned as she left the room moments after him. Something was definitely going on, but she didn't have time to dwell on it. She had to round on Bailey's patients, check on her interns and update her charts so that she could leave on time for her weekend away.

* * *

Two hours to go.

Meredith would almost certainly be able to get out of work on time. She had gathered her interns to round on Bailey's patients, so as to kill two birds with one stone. All of Bailey's patients had been stable, save for Mrs. Gutterman, the patient Bailey had been concerned for. Meredith had made some minor adjustments on the woman's medication that should help. The only other thing she had left was to update her charts.

She was so confident in her anticipated shift end that she was actually taking a few minutes to get something to eat. She had grabbed breakfast from the coffee cart early that morning before rounds, but had missed the opportunity to get anything for lunch.

After purchasing a sandwich and a bottle of water, Meredith planned to head to the Residents' Lounge to update her charts, but she spotted her husband sitting alone across the cafeteria, his head bent over his own charts, and she couldn't help but walk towards him.

"Hey," she greeted, running her hand across his shoulders as she crossed behind him to sit on his far side.

He looked up, smiling happily at her. "Hey," he echoed, eying her food. "Don't spoil your appetite. There's a restaurant near where we'll be staying that's known for its steaks."

She shrugged. "I'm freaking starving. I haven't eaten since five. But don't worry; I will be ready for dinner. Especially for a steak."

He smirked. "Sometimes I forget how much you can eat..."

She glared at him. "For that, I'm not going to offer you half of my sandwich."

"How about a bite?"

She continued to glare at him as she lifted one half of the sandwich to her mouth and took a bite, not making any move to offer him any.

Derek chuckled, and snaked a hand across the table to pick up the other half. He took exactly one bite and then put it back.

Meredith giggled.

"How's your day been, other than the fact that you're starving?"

"Boring," she responded. "Most boring surgery ever."

He nodded. "I noticed. Why wouldn't they let you do anything?"

She shrugged. "The Chief's being weird and Bailey is still mad at him."

"I noticed the Chief's being weird too."

"Do you know what's up? Is it Adele?"

"Could be. Who knows? He's not talking to me."

"Maybe it's Burke and Addison leaving?" She suggested. "He still hasn't found replacements."

Derek shrugged. "Must be stressful for him."

"Was he upset when you turned down the job?" She asked quietly. As a resident, it wasn't something she should know about. But as Derek's wife, it was something she had to know.

He offered her a soft smile and a shake of his head. "No. He seemed relieved it anything. I don't think he ever wanted to retire in the first place. Why? Did he say something to you?"

"He just mentioned that he knew that I knew. I told him I wouldn't tell anyone, and he said he knew that, too."

"And then?"

"And then he left." She made a face. "Like I said; he's being weird."

"Well, just think of it this way, in a couple hours we'll be away from this place, and won't have to deal with anything all weekend."

She smiled. "I can't wait."

He narrowed his eyes at her for a long moment.

Meredith cocked her head. "What?"

He opened his mouth, as if he were going to say something, but then his lips closed and he shook his head.

"What?" She repeated.

He smiled. "You really have no idea, do you?"

"No idea about what?"

He chuckled. "A question that answers my question."

Meredith glared at him. "You're being crazy today too."

"No, I'm being normal."

"And I'm being crazy?" She extrapolated, still glaring.

"I didn't say that."

"But you implied it."

"I didn't," he insisted. "You've just been working a crazy amount of hours and you're exhausted. It's not unreasonable that you've overlooked something."

"Derek. Seriously. What the hell are we talking about?"

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll tell you at midnight if you haven't figured it out by then."

"Tell me now," she demanded.

He shook his head.

"Tell me," she repeated, "Or I'm not going anywhere with you this weekend."

"Oh, you'll come with me."

"And why is that?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Forty-eight uninterrupted hours."

Meredith laughed. "I guess I can't say no to that."

* * *

One hour to go.

"Page Dr. Bailey," Meredith instructed to the nurse as she pulled her stethoscope off her neck and used it to listen to the patient's heartbeat. After having a brief lunch with Derek, Meredith had checked on Bailey's patient, Mrs. Gutterman, who hadn't responded as well as she would have liked to the medication adjustments. Meredith had contacted Bailey, who was in surgery, to have her approve another medication. She had then retrieved all the charts she needed to update and had taken them to Mrs. Gutterman's room, so she could monitor and update.

It was as if the older woman had waited for Meredith to finish her charts before giving up on reaching any level of stability. The moment the last chart had been snapped shut, Mrs. Gutterman's heart rate had decreased dramatically. Meredith had leapt up to assess.

The patient was responding to stimuli, but wasn't completely lucid. Something was very wrong.

Closing her eyes, Meredith listened directly to the heartbeat through the stethoscope. "Damnit," she muttered to herself. She could hear a murmur that hadn't been there an hour ago.

Turning to the supply cart, Meredith extracted a syringe and then drew blood from the patient.

The nurse came back in. "Dr. Bailey's in surgery. OR 2. She said to call down."

Meredith nodded, reaching for the phone and typing in the extension to OR 2. "Can you get these to the lab?" She asked, handing the nurse the vial of blood. "CBC and Chem-7. Top priority."

"Of course."

The phone rang only once, before a scrub nurse picked up, and quickly held the phone to Bailey's ear. Meredith updated Bailey on her patient's condition.

"We're going to need to go back in," Bailey responded. "I have another fifty to sixty minutes in here. Get her for a scan so I have an idea of what I'm going to run into. I'll book the OR. Get her down here if she gets too unstable."

"Of course, Dr. Bailey." She ended the call, and then called down to book the scan.

* * *

4PM. The end of Meredith's (scheduled) shift.

"I got your page," Derek announced as he entered the imaging booth.

Meredith looked up from the chair beside the CT technician. The patient was unstable, but not yet critical. She was now in the CT, and the tech was making some adjustments. It would be another minute or two before any images appeared. She stood and met Derek in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," she offered. Once she had known she would not be able to leave on time, she had paged her husband to let him know.

He waved off her apology. "This can hardly be considered your fault."

"Bailey's still in surgery. I'll be at least another hour. More if it's surgical, which is most-"

"Oh, it's surgical," the tech announced.

Meredith turned back to the screen and sighed. It was _definitely_ surgical. "Perforation."

Derek nodded his agreement.

"Derek, this could take hours."

"It's okay."

"We can reschedule our weekend. I can see if I can trade with someone; this weekend for next weekend," she offered.

"You're not working this weekend."

"But-"

"We'll still have our weekend."

"What makes this weekend so special?"

"Apparently, it's a surprise."

She didn't have a chance to respond. The tech announced he was going to get the patient out of the CT. Meredith reached for the phone to call up to the OR and announce she was bringing the patient straight there.

"We still have to go home and pack," she told Derek as she hung up the phone. "The only clothes I have with me are what I wore in yesterday morning."

"Forty-eight uninterrupted hours means you don't need clothes..."

She laughed.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek as she passed him in the doorway, heading to help the tech transfer the patient to a gurney. "I'll go home and pack. We can leave right from here when you're finished."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. I'm really looking forward to this weekend."

"Okay."

He smiled. "Page me when you're out of surgery."

* * *

7:30PM. Three and a half hours after Meredith was schedule to leave.

"Good work in there, Grey," Bailey commented as she joined Meredith at the sink to scrub out.

"Thank you. Do you think she's going to make it?"

"I hope so."

"Me too."

"If she does it will be your actions that saved her. Another half hour and we would have been too late."

Meredith was taken aback by the compliment. "Thank you," she repeated.

"Are you on call tonight?"

"Uh, no. I was here last night," Meredith responded, holding her breath.

"What time are you scheduled off?"

"Four."

Bailey cracked a smile. "I'll have someone else monitor her post op."

"Thank you," Meredith said again. Bailey had always made her stay when she was an intern, regardless of her actual schedule.

"How are you handling your interns?"

"Oh, it's...okay," she stammered, before shrugging. "Okay, it's exhausting, but I think it's getting better now. You definitely made it look easier than it is."

Bailey surprised Meredith by smiling again. "If your interns put me through half of what the five of you put me through, I'll be happy. And that goes for all five of you."

Meredith laughed. "We didn't mean to cause you grief. Really."

"Well, you did, Grey. Every single day."

"I'm sorry," she offered as she finished scrubbing out and reached for some paper towel to dry her hands.

"Now you're sorry. And trust me, as the year progresses, and your interns start pushing your boundaries, you'll be even sorrier."

Meredith laughed again as she tossed her paper towel into the garbage and reached behind her neck to unclasp her chain in order to extract her wedding ring. "You're not going to accept my apology, are you?"

"I'm going to wait until you mean it more."

Meredith slid her ring onto her finger and then re-clasped the chain around her neck. "Give me another month, and I'm sure I'll mean it more by then."

"I'll expect it."

With permission to leave the hospital, Meredith moved to leave the scrub room, but Bailey stopped her.

"Grey?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?" She paused, hand on the door, afraid it was all a joke and Bailey was going to tell her she had to stay. But her former resident surprised her.

"I don't think I've said it yet, but congratulations. After everything you went through at the last few months, it's nice to see you happy again."

"It's nice to be happy again," she said truthfully.

* * *

8PM. Four hours late leaving the hospital.

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?" Meredith asked. It was already starting to get dark and they had a long way to go. Derek had already been patient enough to wait for her to have a quick shower and get changed before leaving.

"I'll be fine. And you're exhausted."

"But it's my fault we're leaving so late. We would be there by now if we'd left on time."

"It wasn't your fault," he insisted. "You have a patient."

"You're being awfully perfect today," she commented as he navigated out of the hospital parking lot to the main road that would take them to the highway.

He beamed. "Just today?"

She laughed. "Yes. Most of the time you're remarkably unperfect."

He rolled his eyes, but he was still smiling. "You deserve something special, Meredith."

She reached for his hand. "I have you."

"You most definitely do."

"But why is this weekend so important?"

"You haven't figured it out yet?"

"No. It's just a weekend."

He chuckled. "It's not just a weekend. It's a special weekend."

"Why?"

"I'll tell you at midnight."

"I hate you."

"You love me."

She shrugged. "Unfortunately."

Derek laughed. "Unfortunately for you, maybe, but fortunately for me."

"Fortunately for me, too," she relented. She turned her head and smile at his profile as he concentrated on the road in front of them. "Bailey said nice things to me today. She congratulated me on getting married. And said it was nice to see me happy again."

He squeezed her hand. "It _is_ nice to see you happy again."

"I don't think I've ever been this happy," she admitted. "I mean there's still so much crap to deal with, but overall, I'm happy. And I don't want to crap to get in the way of that."

"We'll deal with the crap together now."

"I love you," she told him softly, unable to not tell him in that moment.

He glanced her direction quickly, a smile on his lips. "I love you too."

Meredith leaned back against the seat. "I'm looking forward to this weekend, even if it's starting a little later than planned."

"Me too."

"Good. How far away are we going?"

"About three hours."

"Are you sure you want to drive the whole way?"

"Yes, dear," he placated.

She giggled.

He laughed. "Mer, you look exhausted. I'd be afraid to be in the car with you driving right now," he joked.

"I am exhausted."

"Close your eyes and get some sleep."

"I don't want to make you drive _and_ leave you with no one to talk to."

He squeezed her hand. "Sleep," he repeated. "It'll give you energy for tonight..."

She giggled. "So, what you're saying is, you'd rather drive in silence now and have sex later, than have company now and no sex later?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

She laughed, and he joined her. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Anything you want."

"How can you make anything dirty?"

"It's a gift," he deadpanned.

"A dirty gift."

He chuckled. "Go to sleep, Meredith."

"Okay. And Derek? Thank you."

He dropped her hand to pat her thigh. "You make me just as happy, Mer."

She closed her eyes, and fell to sleep with a smile on her lips.

* * *

10:30PM.

Meredith groaned as she began to be aware of her surroundings. She was still in the car, but it wasn't moving. And she could hear Derek talking softly beside her.

Blinking sleepily, she glanced to her left. Derek was talking on his cell phone. He offered her a soft smile.

Rolling her head to the right, she took in their surroundings. They were parked in a gravel parking lot, along with about seven other cars and a few trucks. Neon lights announced a diner, but the lights naming of the diner had burnt out, and Meredith couldn't make out the letters in the dark.

Beside her, Derek said goodbye to whomever he was talking to and hung up his phone. She rolled her head back to face him. "Where are we?"

"About forty minutes away. I didn't mean to wake you. I just wanted to call and let them know we're still coming."

"Good idea." She yawned. "Wouldn't want to drive all that way and have them give away our room."

He chuckled. "No, we wouldn't. Do you feel any better?"

"I think I will one I've woken up more."

"You can go back to sleep," he offered, as he reached to re-start the ignition, only to be cut off by a growl coming from her stomach, "Or we can get something to eat."

Meredith laughed at the timing. "I wouldn't be as hungry if you hadn't stolen half of my sandwich at lunch," She joked. "I can hold out. You had plans or whatever."

"It'll be too late to go to the restaurant tonight. We'll have to order something when we get there or pick something up on the way."

"I'm good with getting something here if you are."

"Okay." Instead of starting the ignition, Derek pulled the keys out and opened his door. She followed suit.

The diner was very stereotypical. Wooden tables and chairs. Character written all over the walls. A single, older waitress. And a posted sign boasting an all day breakfast.

"I had hoped to take you somewhere a little more..." Derek began as they chose a table in the corner but trailed off when he couldn't come up with the right word.

Meredith shrugged. "I think this is great. How often can you get pancakes for dinner?"

He smiled at her in the way that screamed to her that he found her special. Her heart tugged at the expression. "Excellent point. Especially when you combine the pancakes with sausage, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, toast, fruit and syrup," he added, reading one of the meals from the menu.

She giggled. "Does that mean you're giving up on the health kick this weekend?"

He smirked. "I make allowances for special occasions."

* * *

11:57PM.

Meredith stretched before joining Derek at the trunk of the car to gather their bags. She had managed to stay awake for the final leg of their drive, following a surprisingly good meal. A little too good of a meal, apparently, as her stomach was still screaming at her.

"Uggghh," she moaned.

Derek chuckled. "I told you not to get the extra pancakes."

"But they were so good."

He shook his head as he passed her the duffle he had packed for her.

She took it with a, "Thank you."

He retrieved his own bag and then shut the trunk.

"Am I going to be happy with what you packed for me?" She bantered as they began to walk through the parking lot to the front lobby of the hotel.

"Mmm, very happy," he bantered back, reaching for her hand. "It's filled with sexy underwear, shampoo and a toothbrush."

She giggled. "Forty-eight uninterrupted hours, huh?"

"Yes. Clothes would just get in the way."

Laughing at his antics, Meredith looked up. It was a remarkably clear night for Washington. Not a single cloud that she could see. Just stars. "It's a nice night."

"It is. Very nice."

They were almost to the lobby doors when Derek's phone beeped. He stopped suddenly and tugged on her hand.

She sent him a questioning look as he pulled her close and slipped the duffel strap off her shoulder. He placed it on the ground next to his.

"What are you doing?"

He smiled, but said nothing, as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and held it up. She caught sight of a timer, counting down. Five. Four. Three.

"Derek, what's going-"

He kissed her, cutting her off. She kissed him back, pressing into him when his hands snaked around her waist. Her fingers found his hair on their own volition. And it wasn't until they were both panting that they pulled away.

"What was that for?" She asked, breathless.

He smiled tenderly at her. "Happy Birthday, Meredith."

She blinked. "It's not my birthday."

"It is. It's after midnight."

"That doesn't matter. My birthday is next week."

"No, it's this week."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"No, my birthday is the sixteenth."

"Today is the sixteenth."

"No. The sixteenth is next week."

He chuckled and passed her his phone. "It's the sixteenth today," he repeated.

Meredith took his phone. _August 16_, it read. "That's not right." She shoved it back into his hands and pulled her own phone from her purse. _August 16_. "But... It's my birthday?"

Derek looped his arms around her and pressed his lips to her forehead. "So, you didn't forget your birthday, you just lost track of the date..."

"Shut up," she mumbled, pressing her face into his chest.

He chuckled.

"Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I wanted to surprise you. You didn't tell me about your birthday last year, so I didn't get to do anything."

"How long have you been planning this?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I may have pulled some strings to get us both off for the whole weekend."

"Derek..."

He kissed her softly. "You deserve something special."

Meredith blinked back a sudden stinging feeling behind her eyes. She would not cry over this. "You're really kicking the crap out of my carrot cupcakes, huh?" She joked, referring to the cupcake she had special ordered for his birthday early in the year.

"Like I said, I wanted to do something special, for my _wife_, who I _love_ and who has been working very hard lately and deserves some pampering."

Meredith sniffed. And then a single tear escaped from her right eyes. "Derek..."

He brushed his thumb against her cheek, removing the moisture. "This wasn't supposed to make you cry."

She grasped her hand around the collar of his shirt and pressed her forehead to his chin, overwhelmed.

"Meredith," he murmured, running his hands along her spine.

"No one's ever done _anything_ like this before," she whispered. "Birthdays were always just a day."

"Not anymore." He shifted to kiss her forehead. "Happy Birthday, Meredith."

"Thank you."


	101. 48 Uninterrupted Hours part 2

_**AN: Another fluffy chapter. Originally I wasn't going to write a chapter on Meredith's birthday weekend, but real life is stressful right now, so I'm feeling the need to write something happy...even if it is fiction based on fiction...lol. However, even with the 99% fluff, there is about 1% set up for season 4. Having not particularly enjoyed season 4 the first time, I have to say I didn't give it a lot of thought for this story and expected to get through it pretty quickly. However, I have watched the whole season in a row now and I have to admit that I underestimated it. It's not as bad as I remember. And there is a lot more plot (and actually development) when you watch it straight through than once a week. Obviously there are going to be a lot of differences in this universe, but I still wanted to address some of the same issues. I'll be adding on to parts of this chapter in the upcoming chapters. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle the timeline, because seriously, the timeline doesn't make sense. Some events may happen out of order, but I'll address that when I come to it. As always, thanks for reading!**_

_**

* * *

**_

Meredith woke up feeling warm, loved and undeniably safe. It was a feeling she had gotten used to slowly over the past year, and had even come to seek and expect, but hadn't been exposed to for long enough to be tempted to take it for granted. After a lifetime without it, she sometimes wondered if _this_ feeling would ever become something normal and expected.

She was grateful every time she awoke feeling the way she was feeling now, and was even more grateful for the man making her feel it. Although he was asleep behind her, Derek's chest was still pressed against her back and he was still holding her tight. Meredith could feel his soft exhales against the back of her neck. She rubbed her heel against the hair-brushed shin of one of his legs and then smiled when he shifted and pressed his leg between hers.

Six weeks, now, he had been her husband. Six weeks. And she hadn't been lying the day before when she had told him he was giving her high expectations. Her schedule at work was actively interfering with their life – was preventing them from spending time together and was inhibiting their ability to find a place to live – and even though she knew his patience was running as thin as hers, he hadn't once made her feel bad, hadn't once complained. _That's residency for you,_ he'd say, before assuring her things would get better, her schedule would get lighter and they'd find their perfect new home. And now, knowing she could only manage a few days off work, he had ensured her time off matched his so he could take her somewhere special, forgoing all house hunting plans to celebrate her birthday.

Her birthday.

It wasn't something she had ever celebrated or even made much effort to recognize in her adult life. As a child, it had only led to disappointment. As a teenager, and through her college years, it was an excuse to get drunk. The previous year things with Derek had been new and a mix of exciting and terrifying. She hadn't told him about her birthday because she hadn't expected him to care. She hadn't expected anyone to care.

This year, she had lost track of the dates. Too many all-nighters and too many shifts that ran long and kept her in the hospital for days at a time had left her unable to tell day from night if she wasn't near a window, let alone be able to give the date, or even the day of the week. When Derek had caught up to her earlier in the week – what day, she wasn't sure – and asked if she wanted to go to the trailer for the weekend, she had agreed, and in adding up the days she believed to have passed, she came to the conclusion that her birthday was still another week away. And knowing that he knew about it this year, she had expected him to do something – dinner, probably – but she had never expected something like this.

He shifted behind her, waking up to the light of late morning. After making out in the parking lot the night before, they had checked in and then celebrated her birthday into the early hours of the morning. Meredith didn't know how late it was when they had finally given in to sleep.

Derek shifted again, his hold on her tightening as his mind found consciousness and he became aware of her presence.

"Morning," she offered, patting his hand.

He moaned something incoherent into the back of her neck, released her and rolled away.

Meredith rolled to face him, smiling at the sight of her husband, usually annoyingly chipper in the morning, sprawled on his back with his left forearm draped across his face. "Did I wear you out last night?" She teased as she tucked herself against him, resting her head on his chest and laying her arm across his abdomen.

A moment a passed. And then another. And then the arm that had been protecting his face from the light moved to wrap around her. "Happy Birthday," he said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

She smiled into his chest. "Thank you."

He ran his hand along her back. "What time is it?"

"Eleven."

"Feels like earlier."

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed, "Probably because we didn't get much sleep last night..."

"Refresh my memory, what were we doing instead of sleeping?"

She lifted her head off of his chest and stretched over him to press her lips to his. "This," she mumbled between kisses. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer. She shifted so she was straddling his lower torso. "And this," she added, before deepening the kiss.

He moaned into her mouth and then rolled them so she was lying under him. His lips moved to her neck. "Derek," she groaned, feeling her body begin to respond to his. He definitely wasn't groggy anymore.

She ran her hands along his bare skin, touching everywhere she could reach. He pressed into her in response and she could feel his arousal growing.

His lips followed the dip of her neck to her chest, and then her breasts.

Meredith moaned as his mouth found a nipple. Her husband had a very talented mouth. In fact, he was a very talented man overall. And he was using those talents to make an already good morning even better.

* * *

It was early afternoon when Meredith stepped out of the bathroom swathed in a soft, fluffy bathrobe. Derek was sifting through his duffel bag, wearing only boxers.

"I half-expected you to join me," she told him.

He turned his head and shot her a smile. "I had to make some calls."

"Mmm, to who?" She asked, stepping up behind him and wrapping her arms around his abdomen.

"Well, I called that restaurant I told you about yesterday and made reservations for tonight. You know; steak, wine and carbs in a basket."

She giggled at the memory. "Sounds perfect," she said into his back.

"And I ordered us some breakfast. Well, lunch really, because of the time. Either way, it should be here soon. Aha," he exclaimed as he evidently found what he was looking for in his duffle bag.

Meredith released him and moved to sit on the bed beside his bag. She smiled at his triumphant expression.

He held up the small zippered bag that she knew held his shampoo and conditioner. "I was beginning to think I'd left it at home and I'd have to use yours."

"What's wrong with mine?" She bantered.

"Nothing." He ducked his head to kiss her. "I just didn't want to spend the weekend smelling like lavender."

"What's wrong with lavender?"

He kissed her again. "For you, nothing. You smell good," he said, pressing his nose to her damp hair and inhaling, "Very good. It's just not a very manly smell."

She laughed.

Derek pressed his lips to the side of her head. "I'm going to have a quick shower."

Meredith watched him retreat into the bathroom. She briefly debated joining him in the shower, but decided against it. He had said he had ordered food while she was in her own shower, so she would need to open the door when it arrived.

Standing, she shuffled to where her own duffel bag lay on the floor on the other side of the bed, and swung it onto the bed. Her toiletries bag had been on top, so she didn't yet know what else Derek had packed for her when her shift had run long the day before. When the top items of clothing were her favourite track pants and her Dartmouth top, she decided he had done a good job. She set the pants and top on the bed and reached into the bag for underwear. What she found caused her to roll her eyes, but she chose to leave it for now.

Once she had found suitable underwear, bra and socks she dressed and was just hanging up her robe on the hook by the bathroom door when there was a knock at the door, accompanied with, "Room service."

She quickly opened the door and motioned for the bellboy to come in.

"Where would you like the tray, Mrs. Shepherd?"

"Uh," she stammered slightly, caught off guard by the name, "The table is fine." She motioned to the small table against the wall near the door.

The bellboy smiled and placed the tray down carefully. "Will there be anything else?"

Meredith shook her head, suddenly realizing she hadn't prepared for the delivery. Her hands reached to her pockets to check for any forgotten bills, only to realize her track pants didn't have pockets. She turned, her eyes searching for her purse, and caught sight of the bills Derek had set on the television cabinet. She snagged them and passed them to the bellboy with a, "Thank you."

"Thank you, Mrs. Shepherd," he echoed, before letting himself out of the room.

Meredith closed the door behind him and then leaned her back against it. "_Mrs. Shepherd,_" she whispered to herself. Although she had been married for six weeks now, she hadn't made a decision about her name. Some days she wanted to leave her past behind. Other days she wanted to remain the independent woman who had gotten through college and medical school without any help, and had established herself as a promising surgical resident. Throughout, however, she knew that replacing 'Grey' with 'Shepherd' wouldn't change her past and taking on 'Shepherd' wouldn't make her any less independent.

It was a decision that was equal parts important and difficult to make. It was a decision that was on her mind every day.

"_Shepherd,_" she murmured thoughtfully, testing the word again. No one had ever called her by the name before. Not until now.

With a, "Hmmppff," Meredith pushed herself away from the door and sat at the small table that held the breakfast tray. She selected herself a croissant and a package of strawberry jam. "_Grey-Shepherd,_" she mumbled as she smeared the jam across the croissant. "_Shepherd-Grey._"

She took a bit of her croissant as she silently pondered the name possibilities. There were four; stick with Grey, take Shepherd, and two hyphenated combinations. Whichever she chose would be permanent. It would be the name she would go by for the rest of her life. It would be the name she built her career on.

The bathroom door opened, pulling her from her thoughts. Derek stepped out, freshly shaven, a towel wrapped around his waist. His dark hair was damp and unruly. He eyed her at the table and raised an eyebrow. "Couldn't wait for me, huh?"

"I'm starving," she insisted. "I haven't eaten in like fourteen hours."

He chuckled and moved towards her to press a kiss against her cheek. "I guess I'll forgive you; because it's your birthday."

She turned her head to kiss him. "You're too good to me."

"It's my job," he bantered easily.

Meredith smiled and held up her croissant to him.

He made a face, but accepted it and took a bite. "It's good."

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed.

He took another bite and passed it back to her.

"What's the plan for after breakfast?" She asked as he moved away to get dressed.

"There's a tour of the vineyard and some wine tasting this afternoon," he said. "We could do that. Or we could see what there is to do in town. Or..." He trailed off for a moment as he pulled a shirt over his head, "We could stay here. Entertain ourselves..."

She giggled as he joined her at the table and reached for a sandwich. "Do you think we have time to do both? The wine tasting and entertain ourselves?"

He smiled. "I think we could manage."

"What time's the wine tasting?"

Derek pursed his lips. "Two, maybe?"

She glanced at the clock. It was almost one-thirty. "That's soon. Probably no time to entertain ourselves before."

He chuckled. "Not if we want to do it right."

"So, we go to the wine tasting, come back, entertain ourselves for a while, and then go to dinner."

He nodded his agreement.

Meredith smiled softly at him. "Sounds like the perfect birthday. Thank you, Derek. This means...more than you know."

"You're worth it," he responded easily, and the integrity in his expression told her he believed his own words.

"Thank you," she said again, still smiling.

He smiled back at her. "You're very welcome."

Comfortable silence fell between them for several minutes. Meredith finished her croissant and helped herself to a second. Derek, still working on his sandwich, rolled his eyes in humour at her ability to eat so much. She giggled as she reached for a second package of strawberry jam.

When she was finished with her second croissant, Meredith sat back in her chair, her eyes trained on her husband.

Derek met her gaze and cocked his head, able to read the indecision and uncertainty in her gaze. "What's up?"

She shrugged.

"You seem a little lost."

She offered him a small smile to signal that she wasn't upset. "The bellboy called me Mrs. Shepherd when he delivered breakfast."

"Oh," Derek responded, uncertain. "The room's in my name. I guess he just assumed..."

"I'm not Mrs. Shepherd," she declared, "But I could be Dr. Shepherd."

Derek sat up a little straighter. "Do you want to be Dr. Shepherd?"

"Do you want me to be Dr. Shepherd?"

"Mer, it's your choice. I will support whatever you want." They had had this discussion before.

"I know. I just...want to know what you think."

He sighed.

"Please?"

He released a laughing breath as his lips curled into a smile, telling her he was amused that he couldn't say no to her. "I don't want to influence your choice."

"But you should influence my choice. It should be _our_ choice, shouldn't it?"

"I'm pretty sure this should be your choice. It doesn't affect us, it affects you. It's your _name_, Mer. It's important that you make this decision for _you_."

"Do you think it would be a problem at work if I changed my name?"

He shook his head. "You can't let work influence your choice."

Meredith huffed. "You are decidedly unhelpful today. It's my birthday; doesn't that mean you're supposed to be nice to me?"

He stood and pulled her up as well. "I am being nice to you. I love you. And you obviously need to make a decision before you become a crazy person."

She snaked her arms around his waist and leaned into his chest. "I think it's already made me a crazy person."

He rubbed her back. "It's okay if you don't want to change anything, Mer. You can stay as Dr. Grey. I'm not expecting you to change for me. I don't need you to change anything for me. I just need you."

Meredith stayed silent, tucked against him. She had his permission and support to remain Dr. Meredith Grey. And yet, something inside her didn't accept it. And that could only mean one thing; that she _wanted_ to change her name. The only problem was she didn't know what she wanted to change it to. Shepherd, Grey-Shepherd or Shepherd-Grey.

Derek pressed his lips to the top of her head. "You don't have to decide anything in this moment. Let's get changed and go to the wine tasting. It'll get your mind off all the crazy."

She giggled and nodded against him. "Okay."

* * *

The restaurant was close enough to the resort they were staying at, so Meredith and Derek had opted to walk. It was getting dark now, as they began the short walk back after lingering for hours at dinner. The food had been amazing; causing Meredith to, once again, eat more than her body was happy with.

"Ugghhh," she mumbled as she closed her eyes, trusting Derek to lead her safely along the path back to the resort as her free hand clutched to her unhappy stomach.

Derek squeezed her hand and chuckled softly.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking it."

"Maybe I was. But telling someone to shut up comes with a valid understanding that that person verbalized their thoughts."

She opened her eyes to mock-glare at him. "Shut up," she repeated, "And stop thinking mean things about me."

Derek stopped and snaked his arms loosely around her middle. "I'm not allowed to think now?"

She stifled a giggled and nodded. "Yes."

He brushed his lips against hers, before murmuring, "Trying to control my thoughts? That doesn't seem entirely fair. I happen to like thinking about you. In fact, you're one of my favourite subject to think about."

Meredith pressed herself into him, her hands finding purchase along his sides, and pressed her face into the crook of his neck. She inhaled. He was one of her favourite subjects as well. She exhaled, and then smiled as she felt his hands begin to run across her back in lazy loops and circles. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to be lulled by him.

"Mmm," he breathed, his nose now buried in her hair. He sighed before loosing a second, "Mmm."

She smiled at the sound. It was a happy sound. It told her he was just as happy in this moment as she was. The evening air was just cool enough to make the warmth of her husband's embrace all the more comforting. Without moving, she kissed the soft skin of his neck, her way of telling him she was happy.

Derek's hands came to a gradual stop along her spine, and then he hugged her tight.

She snaked her hands as far around him as she could and hugged him back. "Thank you for dinner," she murmured after a long minute.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "You," he paused to kiss her lips, "are very welcome."

"And thank you for this weekend."

"Again, very welcome." He kissed her again, much longer this time.

She kissed him back hard, and then moaned and broke the kiss.

He groaned in response, signalling his displeasure that she would pull away.

She pecked his lips, but didn't let him pull her into another long kiss.

"That's all I get as a thank you?" He whined, cocking his head and pushing forward his lower lip.

Meredith giggled as his attempt at a pout. She pecked his lips again. "No, but that's all you're going to get here. Take me back to the resort so I can thank you properly."

He bit back a smirk. "Bossy."

"Keeps you in line."

He kissed her one more time, long but soft, and when he pulled away he threaded his fingers through hers as they began the relatively short trek back to the resort.

"It's a beautiful night," she commented, gazing upwards. The sky was perfectly clear of clouds, allowing the stars above to light up the evening sky.

"It is," he agreed.

"I like it here," Meredith declared.

Derek chuckled. "I like it here, too. Though I like being anywhere you are."

She bumped his shoulder as they continued to walk along the path to the resort. "Cheesy."

"It's your birthday. And I'm your husband. Isn't it my job to be cheesy today?"

Meredith shrugged. "I've never been married on my birthday before. This is unchartered territory for me."

He laughed and dropped her hand to swing his arm around her waist. "Unchartered territory, huh? You make it sound so pleasant," he added sarcastically.

"It is," she insisted. "And yes, it's unchartered territory, but I'm discovering good things, not bad things, like sea monsters or whatever."

He fell silent beside her.

"Derek?"

He shot her a humorous glance. "I'm just trying to figure out how we got to sea monsters..."

She laughed. "You should have learned by now that conversations with me aren't always linear."

"Oh, I think I learned that lesson a long time ago."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but leaned her head against his shoulder. It made walking together a little difficult, but Derek didn't complain as their pace slowed to accommodate the position. Their conversation dissipated, but the silence was anything but uncomfortable.

"I'm really happy, Derek," Meredith whispered as the resort came into view.

His arm tightened around her. "I'm happy, too."

She stopped at the outskirts of the property and turned into Derek. She hooked her hands behind his neck and pulled him down to kiss him softly. "Today was amazing. And being able to get away from everything that's happening at home... Thank you."

He kissed her back, his hands settling along her lower back. "We'll do it again next year," he promised.

She smiled at the ease in which he tagged the words 'next year' onto his sentence. He was a permanent fixture in her life. He had been for a while now, but getting married had made it all the more real. He wasn't going anywhere. He loved her. And he wanted to be here next year. And every year after. And she wanted him there. She had even come to expect him to be there.

"I love you," she murmured, unable to not say it in that moment.

"I love you, too," he echoed, his voice confident and soothing. "And things at home will get better."

She breathed. "I hope so."

"They will," he repeated. "I promise. And I'm here. I'll always be here."

"I know." She offered him a tender smile. "You being here make things so much better, Derek."

He inhaled and then returned her smile. "I want to fix everything for you. Take away all the stress. You deserve better."

She knew he wasn't trying to shelter her from anything. He just wanted her to not have so many stressors to deal with. "I have you," she told him.

He beamed at her, and her heart melted just a bit at his reaction. "You most definitely do," he agreed. "And I want to be here. For everything."

Meredith leaned in to kiss him. "Good. Now, let's go inside so I can thank you for today..."

"Mmm, whatever you want."

She took his hand and they quickly covered the short distance to the resort. Once inside, they took the stairs to their room, and then she waited while Derek pulled the key card out of his wallet and opened the door.

His lips were on hers the moment the door was closed behind them. She groaned as he pushed her back against the wall and ran his fingers through her hair. "Derek..." she began, but trailed off as further words deserted her.

He mumbled something incoherent into her mouth between kisses.

She buried her fingers in his hair, and subtly directed his movements as his lips left hers to travel down her neck. Goosebumps erupted across her skin as a familiar, and very welcome, heat began to build within her. His lips traveled lower, moving from her neck to her chest, as far down as her shirt allowed for. When he was effectively prevented from accessing anymore skin, he moaned and pulled away, his hands reaching for the hem of her top.

It was then that she pressed her hands to his chest.

He was panting and his dilated pupils were filled with bewilderment, but he stopped.

She tried to offer him a smile as she fought for oxygen.

"Mer...what..."

She leaned in to kiss his cheek and then pushed gently on his chest.

He stepped back, releasing her from her captivity between him and the wall.

"Give me a minute," she told him. "I need to change."

His breath was hot against her neck as he leaned in close. "You don't need to change. Changing involves taking clothes off and putting other clothes on. You just need to complete half that process. And I can help you with that."

She giggled, but pushed him away. Her duffel bag was sitting on the bed from when she had pulled out clothes for dinner. She rifled through it and pulled out the dark blue lingerie she had discovered earlier. "Does that mean you don't want me to wear this?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a heavy breath. And then his jaw tightened and his eyes darkened.

She smirked. "That's what I thought." She pecked his cheek on her way into the bathroom. "Give me a minute."

Once the bathroom door was closed behind her, Meredith freshened up and then replaced her clothes with the lingerie Derek had bought her months before. When she re-entered the bedroom, she couldn't help but chuckle at the sight.

Derek was sitting up against the headboard on the bed, clad in nothing but his boxers. The clothes he had been wearing to dinner had been dumped unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Eager?"

His gaze found hers, and his eyes immediately darkened to the point that they mirrored the colour of her lingerie. "Oh, yes," he breathed.

Meredith bit her lip at the intensity of his gaze. She's always been comfortable in her own skin, but no one had ever made her feel half as attractive as Derek made her feel. He made her feel wanted in every way.

She shuffled quickly across the short span of floor to join him on the bed. He reached his hands out to support her as she straddled his thighs, facing him as he leaned against the headboard.

"Definitely worth the wait," he declared as his hands found her thighs and pushed under the thin, silky material of her slip.

She leaned in and pressed her lips to his, tasting him. "I hoped you'd think so. Especially since you _hinted_ at this."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know how it got in your bag."

She giggled at his antics. "_Suuuuure_, you don't."

"Mmm, I don't," he insisted as he dipped his head, his lips finding the sensitive skin of her neck.

"Well, then, if you didn't pack it, maybe I should just take it off?"

He chuckled against her, his hot breaths hitting her neck and making her shiver. "Let me do it for you."

"'Kay," she mumbled as his hands pushed higher, taking the slip up with them as they ran over her ass and up her sides. When they reached the fabric of her bra, Meredith raised her arms so he could remove the slip altogether, leaving her in only her bra and underwear.

Derek tossed the garment across the room and then returned his attention to her. His fingers reached up to brush a few strands of hair out of her face. "God, you're beautiful," he murmured. "How did I get so lucky?" He mused.

"I'm the lucky one," she insisted, fully believing her own words. Her husband was a wonderful man. He was tender, intense but compassionate, and remarkably kind. He loved without limitations or undue expectations. He was determined and devoted, but retained a level of patience that she couldn't always understand, and an easy going nature and sense of humour that had proved resilient to the events of the year and a bit that she had known him. Horrible things would dampen his demeanour, but only for short periods of time. The essence that made him _Derek Shepherd_ always found its way back to the surface.

Meredith couldn't have wished or hoped or asked for a better man to spend her life with. He was forever for her. He was who and what she wanted for the rest of her life. His wife was who she wanted to be for the rest of her life.

She was his wife. That meant more to her than she could even comprehend. It meant he wanted her in his life just as much as she wanted him. It meant she was forever to him, too.

"Grey-Shepherd," she murmured, verbalizing the decision she hadn't realized she made until the moment she said it.

The hands that had been running through her hair cupped her face. "What?"

She loosed a giggle. "Sorry. I'm being non-linear again; bringing things up out of nowhere. But I... Grey-Shepherd. That's who I want to be. It's my past and my future, or whatever. It lets me be me and your wife."

"Grey-Shepherd," he repeated, tasting the words together. His tone was reverent and tender.

Meredith's chest tightened at the sound of the name coming from his lips.

"Grey-Shepherd," he said again. "Doctor Meredith Grey-Shepherd." He smiled. "I like it."

"Me too." She kissed him.

"You're sure that's who you want to be?"

She smiled at him. "I don't think it's who I want to be, Derek, I think it's who I am."

He smirked. "Now who's being cheesy?"

She laughed; the weight of the decision was off her shoulders and she was filled with joy at knowing she had made the right decision. "It's my birthday. And my husband is being remarkably perfect. I'm happy. So, I'm allowed to be cheesy."

"I'm all for the cheesy. More cheesy I say," he responded.

She laughed again at his words and then kissed him.

Derek kissed her back for a long moment being pulling back far enough to meet her eyes. "Happy birthday, doctor Meredith Grey-Shepherd."

She smiled happily at him. "Best birthday ever."

* * *

_**AN: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who weighed in on Meredith's name. I appreciated and took into account every comment. Grey-Shepherd was my original thought, and it had a lot of support, so I went with it.**_


	102. Chapter 102

_**AN: I posted a holiday oneshot last week called 'Making the Most.' Please check it out if you have a chance. I needed to write something happy and upbeat.**_

_**AN2: I'm super sorry about the delay in updates. It's busy time at work right now, and on top of that I'm going through some family issues that are demanding time and attention, leaving no time for ANTYHING, let alone writing. Seriously, it got so bad before Christmas that I couldn't even get to the grocery store for 3 weeks. The good news is I THINK things are getting better.**_

_**AN3: For those who are waiting on the next chapter of Here We Are... It'll be another few weeks, at the least. I tried to write the next chapter in December. And again this week. The thing is that it's a happy story, and I need to be able to be in a certain mindset to write it. And right now I just can't get into that mindset because I'm going through hell right now with everything that's going on in my life. When things start to improve I'll be able to get back to HWA. Trust me, I miss writing it and want to get back to it.**_

* * *

With her back pressed up against the wall next to a shelving cart, Meredith sighed. Footsteps echoed down the connecting hallway – the hallway she had just dashed out of to hide – and she closed her eyes. What she would have done had Lexie turned down the hallway Meredith was now taking refuge in, she didn't know. All she knew was she had looked up to see Lexie turn down the hallway towards her and she had panicked.

It was ridiculous, she knew, but ever since she had given in and walked Lexie through Susan's chart and the chain of events that led to her untimely death, Lexie had doubled her efforts to push for some sort of relationship. And Meredith was at the end of her rope trying to avoid the younger surgeon.

She was finally happy. Really and truly happy. And she didn't want to take any chances with that. Happiness was hard to find; she knew that all too well.

Her birthday weekend with Derek had been amazing. Not only had she spent forty-eight uninterrupted hours alone with her husband, but she had spent forty-eight uninterrupted hours without anything to dwell on. For two entire days she had been a normal, happy woman away for a romantic weekend with her husband. And that was it. There had been wine and steaks and desserts. And sex. Lots and lots of sex.

She had returned to the hospital Monday afternoon feeling refreshed and happy.

Unfortunately, the feeling hadn't lasted long.

She hadn't even been fully changed into her scrubs when she heard from a gossiping pair of residents that George and Callie's marriage was in trouble. Cristina had quickly confirmed there was truth to the rumour.

Three days later, Erika Hahn had been invited to the hospital to perform a heart transplant, and in the first hour she was in the hospital she had offended Cristina by accusing her of sleeping her way to the top. By the end of the day, Erika Hahn had been announced at the new Head of Cardio. She wouldn't start work at Seattle Grace for a few weeks, but Cristina had already relapsed into some kind of anti-Burke depression that only made Meredith feel guilty for being happy.

A week after Hahn's visit to the hospital, Meredith and Derek finally found a place they both wanted to live – only to lose a bidding war because they were both in surgery and couldn't be contacted by their realtor.

Another set of footsteps echoed from the adjacent hallway. Meredith held her breath, and then sighed when they started down her hallway. It was too late for her to leave now. She would have to stay put and hope whoever it was wouldn't see her.

She didn't get her wish.

"Meredith, what the hell are you doing?" Izzie's voice rang out as the blond surgeon stopped in front of her, hands on her hips and eyes narrowed.

"Nothing," Meredith responded, stepping out from her unsuccessful hiding place behind the shelving cart.

"Really, because it looked like you were avoiding me."

"I wasn't avoiding you."

"You leapt out of the hallway as soon as I saw you."

Meredith had to laugh at the misunderstanding, which only caused her friend to glare at her. "I wasn't avoiding you, I promise."

"Then who?"

"Lexie."

"Ah," Izzie said in understanding. "She's still bugging you?"

"Stalking me is more like it. She won't leave me alone. And it's impossible to be mean to her. So, I'm stuck hiding from her."

"She's really not that bad."

Meredith glared at her friend. "That's not the point."

"She's your sister, Meredith. You'll feel better when you just get over yourself and stop avoiding it."

"She's not my sister," Meredith insisted.

"You have the same dad."

"He's _not_ my dad."

"Meredith..."

"He's _not_," she repeated.

Izzie stared at her for a long moment before speaking. "It wasn't Lexie's fault, you know? Everything that happened with Thatcher."

"Izzie," Meredith warned.

"I'm just saying."

"I have a family," Meredith said.

"I know," Izzie said, offering her a smile, "But she could be your family too. There's no rule saying you can't add to your family."

"I don't know about that; there definitely seems to be a rule. It always ends badly."

Izzie sighed. "Not always. You have us."

Meredith smiled. "I know."

Izzie patted her on the shoulder. "Good. Just think about the Lexie thing," she said, before disappearing back down the hallway.

Meredith sighed and headed the other way, grateful that Izzie was trying to make her feel better, but knowing that Izzie just didn't get it. She couldn't hate Lexie Grey, but she still hated the idea of her. And she felt that she was fully within her rights to hate the idea of her and to not want any sort of relationship with the younger woman. History told her it would only end badly.

Having been on call the night before, Meredith's energy level was dragging. She had been on her way to the coffee cart when she had spotted Lexie in the hallway. A glance at her watch told her she now didn't have time to make it to the coffee cart and make it to the OR floor in time to scrub in with Bailey. She would have to go straight there.

Muttering under her breath, she let herself into the stairwell and slowly climbed the two flights of stairs to the OR floor. The only good news was that, barring any major complications or an influx of emergency surgical patients, she would be able to go home after the surgery. Derek was off as well that evening. They had plans to order pizza and curl up together on the couch; something Meredith had been looking forward to for days.

She had started her current shift at six the previous morning. Derek had been on-call the night before that. He had been on his way to his car when she had pulled into the parking lot. They had shared a short kiss and quickly made plans for the current evening. She hadn't seen him since. He had been off the day before and was scheduled for today, but their paths hadn't crossed once.

Exiting the stairwell, Meredith made her way down the hall to the scrub room for OR three on autopilot. Bailey was already there when she arrived.

"Grey, you're early."

She offered a small smile. "So are you."

"The OR cleared up faster than expected. I was just about to have you paged."

Meredith stepped up to a sink and started scrubbing her hands. "Thanks for letting me scrub in." She had been so busy with her interns that she felt like she got less OR time than when she was an intern.

"You're doing a good job with your interns. That deserves a reward." Although not a rare procedure, the patient required a tumour removal that would be complex and interesting. "I may even be inclined to let you do more than just assist."

"Thank you." Meredith smiled. Maybe things were looking up. An interesting surgery and an evening with her husband. She finished scrubbing in and joined Bailey in the OR.

True to her word, Bailey let her former intern open, and perform a fair amount of the tumour removal. When the surgery was over, they spoke to the family together.

"You did good work today, Grey," Bailey told her as they stepped onto the elevators together to return to the patient floor. "I'm repairing a hernia tomorrow. You're welcome to scrub in if you're free."

"Yes, I'm free," she said quickly.

"Good. Surgery is scheduled for nine. Bring one intern to observe."

"Thank you." It made her smile to realize that Bailey was regarding her more like a peer than a subordinate.

Bailey grunted something in response as the doors opened and left without another word.

Meredith rode up another floor and quickly checked on her patients – all of whom were stable. She then took the stairs up to Derek's office. They had agreed that she would meet him there when she was done her shift. As she approached his office, though, she frowned. No light shone from under the door. She knocked anyway, but all she was met with was silence.

With a sigh, she headed back down to the lower floor to check the OR board. Her spirits lifted when she didn't see his name there. If he wasn't in surgery, they had a better chance of having their evening together.

Deciding he would contact her, she headed for the Residents' Lounge, as she would need to get changed before she went home regardless of where her husband was.

She was smiling when she pushed open the door, but the smile quickly fell away at the sight before her. George was sitting at the small table, his head in his hands and his wedding ring absent. The room was empty other than him.

"George," she said softly as she let the door close behind her and walked carefully towards him.

He sucked in a breath and wiped at his face. She pretended not to notice.

"Hey," he offered after a moment.

"Hey," she echoed, sitting beside him. "Are you...okay?"

He released a frustrated laugh. "I..." He shook his head. "I don't know."

"Callie?"

"We're getting divorced," he whispered.

Meredith felt her mouth fall open. She knew they had been having problems, but divorce seemed so...final.

"I know we were stupid to just run off and get married. I know that. But I still thought we could make it work. I thought I could make it work. I thought it was right."

She carefully laid her hand on his back. "I'm sure it felt that way at the time."

"I love her," he said quietly, "But I don't think I love her enough. And I don't think she loves me enough. We're not... We're too different. We tried. We've been trying. But now..." He trailed off. "We talked all last night. And this morning we decided."

"George, I'm so sorry." She laid her head on his shoulder. He leaned into her.

"I just wanted to be happy. I wanted to make her happy. I...I wanted to make my dad proud."

"I get that," she told him honestly.

He sighed heavily. "I feel like a failure."

"I get that, too."

"How am I going to tell my mom? She loves Callie. They all do."

"You tell her you did everything you could."

George laughed at her advice. They told people that every day.

"Sorry, that was...bad," she said, also laughing as she sat up straight to look him in the eye.

"No. It was good." He sighed. "We did do everything we could. We went to counselling."

"You did?"

"Since we finished our internship. And it was okay, but the problem is..." He trailed off to collect his thoughts. "We get along. We're not fighting. We're not hurting each other. We're just not feeling what we're supposed to be feeling. So, we're getting divorced."

"I'm sorry."

He offered her a small smile. "Me too."

"You always have a place to stay," she told him. "For as long as you need."

"Thank you."

She bumped his shoulder. "You're family, George."

He bumped her shoulder back. "You too."

* * *

Meredith's mind was buzzing as she headed across the parking lot towards her jeep. She had been unable to locate her husband after she had finished talking with George and had gotten changed out of her scrubs, and so she had decided to go home. She had sent him a text with her plans. With any luck, he was already at home, and if not, she could only hope he would be home soon. She just didn't want to be at the hospital any longer.

The moment she collapsed into the driver's seat, her eyes welled. George was getting divorced. George, who had gotten married two months before her, was getting divorced.

Divorced.

It was so final. So extreme.

It was something she never wanted to consider.

George had said that he and Callie had started counselling when his internship was over. That had been two months into their marriage.

Meredith was two months into her marriage now. Life was stressful and work was demanding, but she and Derek were good. She was pretty sure they were good.

She was pretty sure they loved each other enough.

She put the keys in the ignition, but didn't start the car. She laid her hands onto the steering wheel and focussed on breathing in and out. In and out.

George was getting divorced.

And Cristina hadn't made it to the altar.

And Izzie's fiancé had died.

Her vision became blurry as her eyes welled. The steering wheel squeaked as her hands tightened their grip. A hollow space started developing in her chest. Her breathing hitched, and then hitched again, so she laid her forehead between her hands on the steering wheel.

In and out.

In and out.

She regained control before she lost it completely. The hollow space in her chest slowly shrunk but she couldn't help but think that this wasn't how life was supposed to be. Of the five of them, four had made some attempt at marriage in the last year. And it seemed that she was the only one who was currently successful in her endeavour.

Meredith sniffed and raised her head. Her eyes landed on her hands and she stared at the empty space on her left ring finger before reaching for the chain around her neck, needing to feel the cool, comforting bands against her skin.

The chain unlatched easily – her fingers had quickly learned the latch – and she carefully slid the two rings off of it before refastening it around her neck. She slid the engagement ring onto her finger first, followed quickly by her wedding band. Having never been overly sentimental or materialistic, Meredith was still surprised by how much she liked her rings; by how much she had come to depend on them. It comforted her to know that Derek was wearing the matching pair to her wedding band. It comforted her to know the work _forever_ was engraved on the underside of the platinum. And it comforted her even more to know that Derek had slid both rings on her finger without an ounce of hesitation in his blue eyes.

They were _good, _she reminded herself. She and Derek were happy and strong and committed. She could be there for her friends without feeling like the rug was being pulled out from under her.

She nodded to herself. She could do this. She could be the supportive, normal friend with the strong marriage.

With damp cheeks, but dry eyes, Meredith started her jeep and began the drive home, hoping her husband would be there, having simply forgotten their plans to meet at his office. They had stressful jobs and worked long hours, so sometimes plans got forgotten. It wasn't a big deal.

She and Derek were good. Their marriage was good. It would continue to be good. She had faith now, more so than ever before. George's news would not be enough to send her over the edge like Cristina's failed attempt at marriage had. It would not be enough to make her feel like the world was spinning out of control like she had felt after Denny had died and she had witnessed first hands its effects on Izzie.

Meredith just needed her husband right now. A few minutes in his arms would rid the tightness in her chest. He had really great arms. Strong. Supportive. And a solid chest. The combination made for very comforting hugs. And they fit together just so that she could stick her nose into the crook of his neck and breathe him in.

She _really_ needed a hug right now.

The drive home seemed to take twice as long as usual, but when she pulled into the driveway, she smiled when she parked her jeep beside Derek's car.

He was home.

Wiping any remaining dampness from her face, she grabbed her purse from the passenger seat and headed towards the front door. Only hers and Derek's vehicles sat in the driveway now. Hopefully, they would be able to enjoy an uninterrupted evening together. She was pretty sure Izzy was working and Alex spent a lot of time at Joe's when he wasn't at the hospital so he wasn't home very often.

"Derek?" She called as she stepped into the front hall.

No answer. Nothing and no one stirred on the ground floor.

Meredith slipped off her shoes and left her purse on the floor by the closet as she headed for the stairs, determined to find Derek as quickly as possible. She was handling George's news maturely, and wasn't generalizing his failed relationship to her own. That was significant progress for her. But even though she didn't automatically assume that the sky was falling and all marriages ended in divorce, she still needed to find Derek and have him tell her it would be okay. Because when he told her things like that, she believed him.

She needed him.

The upper level was quiet as she padded down the hallway towards their bedroom. Maybe he was in bed reading. He liked to do that. She had come home to find him sitting up against the headboard, book, magazine or journal in hand, more times that she could remember. It was quieter upstairs in their bedroom than anywhere else in the house. He often took refuge there when she wasn't home.

The bedroom door was ajar, but when she pushed it open and stepped into the room she didn't find him reading in bed like expected. What she did find caused her heart to jump into her throat and her lungs to suck in a breath in sudden, unexplainable panic.

There was a suitcase lying on the bed. Derek's suitcase. The lid was open, revealing his things packed inside. His clothes. His hair products. His phone charger.

Meredith clutched her hand to her chest as she suddenly struggled to breathe. This wasn't happening. She was imaging her husband's suitcase on their bed. He wasn't leaving her.

She stepped forward and reached out a hand. A small sob escaped her mouth from somewhere deep inside her as she confirmed the suitcase to be real. This wasn't happening.

They were good. Really good. Sure, things had been stressful. They still hadn't found a place to live, but they had been looking every chance they got. Sure, she had asked months ago that he put up with the roommates only until she finished her internship, and now it was two months into her second year of residency and they weren't any closer to being on their own, but it wasn't her fault they couldn't find something suitable.

It wasn't a deal breaker. She'd live anywhere with him in a heartbeat. Anywhere.

And they had plans for that night. Plans they had made barely thirty-six hours earlier. Nothing drastic had happened in that time, so this couldn't possibly be happening. Because they were good. And they had plans.

"Derek?" She called out, half expecting him to be hiding somewhere in the room.

No answer.

She turned and stepped back into the hall. The bathroom door was closed. She turned the knob and pushed the door open, grateful to find it unlocked. The shower was running.

"Derek?" She called again, stepping into the room. He didn't answer, but she recognized his form behind the foggy glass. He probably couldn't hear her under the spray of the water.

Reaching out her hand, she swung open the glass door as hard as she could.

Derek yelped and turned to face her. "Meredith," he said breathlessly, his chest heaving as he caught his breath after being surprised. "You scared the shit out of me."

She glared at him. "Do you care to tell me why there's a suitcase on our bed?" She demanded.

He opened his mouth, but she cut him off.

"A freaking suitcase, Derek. Filled with your things. On our bed. _Our_ bed."

"Meredith-"

"Don't _Meredith_ me. I want some freaking answers. Because I know life has been stressful, but I thought we were good, so you don't get to just-"

"Richard's sending me to Atlanta for a consult," Derek announced, taking a page out of her book and cutting her off.

Meredith blinked. "What?"

He stepped close to the open door of the shower, as close as he could get to her. His hands gripped at the edges of the open doorway as he leaned towards her. "There's a VIP patient in Atlanta. Richard's sending me there on an overnight flight tonight."

"A consult."

Derek nodded. "And likely a surgery. He said to expect to be gone a couple days."

"Richard's sending you."

"Yes."

"For a couple days. On a consult."

"Yes," he repeated. His eyebrows pinched together with concern.

Meredith felt her cheeks heat up as she avoided his eyes. "I thought..." She trailed off as a wave of embarrassment washed over her. Why did she have to do that? Why did she have to react without all the information? Had she really thought he was leaving? Of course not... "I'm sorry. I'm overtired and George said things today and... I'm sorry. I'll just...go."

She turned away, but he called to her.

"You could make it up by joining me."

She turned back to him. Now that the anger and the fear had dissipated, she was able to appreciate the fact that her very dreamy husband was standing in front of her, naked and wet. His eyes were still filled with concern, but his lips curled into an aroused smirk and his head tilted ever so slightly. A fire ignited inside of her. Instead of answering him verbally, she slipped off her shirt and tossed it towards the door. Her pants quickly followed. And then her underwear.

He watched through hooded eyes as she undressed for him and then stepped naked into the shower. His hands found her hips the moment she stepped under the spray of water with him. She opened her mouth to apologize again, but his lips crashed down on hers, absorbing any words she managed to get out. She reached out blindly to shut the shower door and then buried her fingers in his hair.

After very literally kissing her breath away, his lips left hers and found their favourite place at the crook of her neck. She closed her eyes as his hands migrated from her hips, up her sides, and then to the small of her back as he cradled her body between his own and the wall.

A wave of comfort washed over her, more real than the spray of the shower. Safe. When he held her he made her feel safe like nothing else in the world ever could. Her fingers left his hair as she wrapped her arms around him as best she could, pulling him even closer. His lips left her neck as he tucked his chin onto her shoulder and hugged her back. He could always recognize when she needed a moment.

"I'm sorry," Meredith murmured, apologizing for both stopping their current activities and practically accusing him of leaving her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Meredith," he assured her. "Not now. Not ever."

"I know."

He pulled away far enough to meet her eyes.

She offered him a small smile. "I know," she repeated. "I really do. I just... I'm exhausted. And I've barely seen you this week. And we were going to meet in your office, but you weren't there. And then George told me he was getting divorced. And I spent the entire drive home being grateful that you and I were good, that we love each other enough and that we want the same things. And then your suitcase was on the bed and...snap judgment. I'm sorry. It was stupid. I just...freak out sometimes. But I'm working on it. And I'm sorry you married such a freak." She released a breath and buried her face against his chest.

He rubbed her back. "I'm sorry about George and Callie."

"Me too," she murmured against his wet skin. "But we're not them." She volunteered the information, knowing it would be the first thing he said to her. They were Meredith and Derek. Not George and Callie. Not Cristina and Burke. Not anybody but themselves.

"We're not," he agreed, running his hand along her spine.

"I was prepared to yell at you," she admitted, lifting her head to meet his eyes.

"So I noticed."

She giggled at his amused tone. "I'm an idiot. And a freak."

He chuckled as he leaned in to kiss her softly. "No, you're not."

"I am," she insisted. "I know better than this. And I trust you. I do. I just...freaked out. Because I'm a freak."

"That's okay," he assured her. "I liked your little rant. It was charming."

She giggled, feeling almost all of the tension leak out of her body.

He laughed along with her. "But let's get one thing straight; my wife is not a freak."

She leaned into his bare chest. "I feel like one sometimes."

He continued to rub his hand along her spine.

Meredith allowed herself to bask in the feel of being in his arms for several long moments, and then she leaned in to kiss him. "When do you have to leave?"

"In a few hours. I was done early. Thought I would come home and pack so that we could spend as much time as possible together before I have to leave. I was going to call you before your shift ended, but I guess I lost track of the time." He sighed. "I'm sorry about not calling. Richard didn't exactly give me much warning. You were already in surgery."

She kissed him again, ignoring his apology. "I wish I could go with you." It had only been two weeks since her birthday weekend, and two months since their vacation to New York and the Bahamas, but she already craved more alone time with her husband. Life was so much simpler away from the demands of the hospital and their friends.

He smiled. "Me too. I like going away with you."

"You don't know how long you'll be gone?"

He shook his head. "Three or four days, probably."

"We're going to miss out on a lot of sex," she deadpanned.

He laughed out loud. "You're right. What are we going to do about that?"

She shrugged. "I guess we'll have to bank as much sexy time together before your plane leaves."

"I like the way you think," he whispered huskily, right before his lips crashed down on hers.

* * *

Tucked between her husband's warm body and the back of the couch, Meredith lay with her head on his shoulder and her hand stretched across his chest. She felt safe and loved and sated after three rounds of sex is as many hours. The back of her mind knew Derek was leaving soon, but she refused to allow herself to allocate it any conscious thought. Right now she could close her eyes and imagine she could fall asleep and wake up the next morning still in Derek's strong arms.

The television played quietly across the room, but neither of them had paid it much attention since they had finished their pizza and reclined together.

"Hmmm," Derek murmured softly, his hands running along her spine. It was an uninhibited noise, meant to verbalize how content he felt. He made lots of non-worded sounds, and she knew them all.

She smiled against his chest, grateful for the man she had fallen in love with; for the man who had fallen in love with her.

She still felt stupid for her reaction to the suitcase. Of course there was a reasonable explanation. Of course he wasn't leaving her. And if she had taken a moment to consider the possibilities, she would have realized right away how crazy she was being. But she was overtired and life was stressful and old Meredith had popped in for a visit, bringing with her all kinds of crazy. New Meredith had been there too, though. And she had easily countered old Meredith's desire to run and avoid by forcing Meredith to confront her husband. It was just too bad she couldn't have done so calmly. And with far less anger.

A laughing breath bled out of her lungs at the memory. At least she knew he loved her, despite the crazy.

"What?" He whispered.

She lifted her head. "I'm sorry I went to a crazy place earlier." She had apologized before, but right now, when she couldn't think of a more comfortable place to be, she felt the need to say it again.

The corner of his mouth twitched. "It was very memorable, other than the fact that you scared the hell out of me by slamming open the shower door."

"I'm sorry for that too," she said with a laugh.

"The rant was very cute. I kind of wish I'd given you the opportunity to continue, but part of me thought you might start pummelling me with you small, ineffectual fists."

"If you'd let me continue I may have done just that."

He chuckled. "Life is definitely more interesting with you around..."

"Shut up," she demanded weakly.

His arms tightened around her. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Meredith laid her head back down on his shoulder. "Me neither."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Derek. So much." She closed her eyes and allowed his presence to soothe away any remaining tension or worry. His warm exhales brushed by her hair and she could feel his heart beating under her hand. And he was so freaking warm. And safe.

Always safe.

Despite her determination to stay awake until he had to leave, in order to take advantage of every moment they had together, she felt sleep pulling at her consciousness. She opened her eyes, but they quickly fell shut again under their own volition. She was too tired and too comfortable to fight it.

000

Meredith jerked awake a short time later to a knock at the front door. Derek stirred beneath her, having also succumbed to sleep.

"What..." She mumbled, trying to burrow unto his chest and return to sleep.

Derek groaned. "That must be the shuttle service." Richard had arranged for him to be shuttled to and from the airport for the trip.

"The what?" She asked, confused. Weren't they just sleeping a minute ago? And couldn't they go back to that?

"I have to go now," Derek told her in response as he carefully pulled out from underneath her to answer the door.

Meredith slowly sat up as she took in her surrounding, immediately recognizing her living room. A heartbeat later she realized what was going on. A sliver of panic cut into her chest. Derek was leaving. Sure, he was only going for a few days. But she didn't know exactly how long a few days was going to be. And he was going to be all the way across the country. The only time the two of them had spent sleeping apart since they had gotten married had been when one of them was at the hospital. And even then, they had shared an on-call room bed more than once.

By the time she had staggered to her feet and across the living room to the front hall Derek had passed his suitcase to the driver and was rifling through his leather carryon.

"Do you have your wallet and your cell?"

He nodded.

"And money? You'll need cash for the taxi when you get to Atlanta."

"I'll be picked up at the airport," he assured her.

"What about-"

He cut her off with a kiss. "The only thing I'll be missing is you."

She smiled up at him, not even tempted to mock him for his corny statement. "I wish I could go with you."

"Me too."

She hesitated, and almost didn't tell him, but then said quietly, "I'll miss you."

He smiled tenderly at her. "You too." He reached a hand to cup her cheek. "Try and take it easy with the crazy, okay?"

She laughed and nodded against his hand. "I will."

He leaned in to kiss her again. The driver honked impatiently, though, pulling them apart sooner than either was happy with.

"I have to go."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too." He turned to leave, but she called after him, "Derek?"

He turned back.

"I don't want to sound all...housewifey, or whatever, but you'll call when you get there, right?"

He smiled warmly at her. "Of course."

"Okay. Good."

Ignoring a second impatient honk, Derek returned to her arms, kissing her one last time, before pulling away and pressing his forehead to hers. "Try and get some sleep."

"You too."

"I'll be home in a few days."

"Okay."

He replaced pulled his forehead from hers and placed a kiss right where it had been. And then he was gone.

Meredith stood in the doorway as she watched Derek get into the car. And then she watched the car drive off down the street. It wasn't until it was out of sight that she closed the front door and staggered back into the living room.

The room seemed suddenly empty. She didn't like it one bit. The couch they had been sharing still held warmth from their combined body heat. She settled herself down where he had been lying and pulled the blanket over top of herself. His scent lingered on the pillow. She tilted her head into it and sighed. He'd ruined her, really. Gone for barely three minutes and already she missed him. Maybe if they hadn't fallen asleep. Maybe if she hadn't been caught so off guard by his departure she may feel like their goodbye hadn't been so rushed.

It was just a few days. And then he would home. And they'd have sexy time to make up for. It was something to look forward to.

She just had to get through the next few days without him.

* * *

_**AN: Meredith is evolving. She's not perfect, and she's still going to have her moments, but when she does she's facing the problems instead of hiding from them. She never actually thought he was leaving, but what's a few moments of irrational panic between lovers? And what's better is Derek knows better how to deal with her in this universe. He's not offended by her moments – he gets her already.**_

_**I really hope you liked this chapter. It was a tough one to write, as it starts to set up the coming season 4 events. And speaking of season 4...**_

_**I'm going to try and make season 4 and 5 together span a year, like they (sort of) did on the show, but have the timelines make sense (like they kind of didn't on the show). The seasons may be 6months:6months, or they may end up more 5:7. I haven't gotten far enough to know for sure. And the events may not occur in order. For instance, I love the epi where Meredith goes trick-or-treating for ears. But that epi would happen next in order in season 4. The only problem with that is in this universe it's the end of August. And that epi is the end of October. If surgical years start in the beginning of July, there's no way four months have gone by already, and then all of the rest of season four, and then all of season five, before the beginning of the next July. No way. So, the events I want to include may be shuffled around a bit. Feel free to mention specific scenes/events you want to see included. I have my list, but there may be some I've missed. Also, in the trick-or-treating for ears episode, Derek pays the earless boy to pretend Mark is his father and Mark's revenge is to put the word out that Derek is 'Lookin.' Obviously that would have much less effect in this universe, but I really want Mark to get some sort of revenge, so if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	103. Chapter 103

_The walls of the hospital were wider than usual, causing Meredith to feel small and insignificant as she walked between them, not sure on her destination but unable to stop her feet from moving forward. Always forward. Though, she wasn't sure how long she had been walking. It felt like a long time, but she wasn't tired like she thought she should be. She wasn't anything, really. She felt...nothing._

_ Everything around her seemed wrong. Not only were the walls too far apart, but they were the wrong colour. And the light was...wrong._

_ Everything was wrong._

_ She was alone. There was no one else wandering the halls. No doctors. No nurses. No patients. No one. Just Meredith. _

_ Maybe that was why the walls seemed so far apart._

_ She had looked for other people before, but hadn't been able to find anyone. Not her husband. Not her friends. Not even any of the ghosts she had shared the empty hospital with before._

_ She was alone now. Alone and cold. It was cold here._

_ It was cold because she was standing in front of the morgue._

_ Meredith blinked, suddenly realizing she had stopped moving but not having noticed at the time. When had that happened? She hadn't meant to come here. She wasn't even on the right floor. The last time she had been to the morgue it had been in the basement._

_ She wasn't sure what floor she was on now, but it couldn't be the basement because there had been windows. She had passed windows. And she couldn't remember using the stairs or getting in the elevator._

_ The door wasn't anything like it had been when Derek had brought her here (had it actually been here? Were there two morgues?) in a wheelchair to say goodbye to her mother after her accident. Back then (she wasn't sure how long ago it had been) the morgue had been in the basement and it had had its own hallway. Now it was upstairs somewhere (she still wasn't sure where she was) and was announced by a normal door and a small sign._

_ Odd._

_ She didn't want to go in, but she did anyway._

_ It was wrong inside. All wrong. A wall of small, square doorways was the only presence in the room. That, and strange light coming from all the wrong directions._

_ She knew which compartment held her mother without stopping to think about it. After she had pulled open the door the bed pulled out on its own volition._

_ Her mother's face was deathly pale, a sharp contrast to the dark navy scrubs she was wearing and the vibrant red scars on her wrists._

_ Meredith stared. And stared. It was nice that they had thought to dress her in scrubs. She would like that. Being a doctor was the only niche Ellis Grey had ever wanted for herself. But it was strange that she was in the morgue dressed in scrubs. Because Meredith had had her cremated. Ellis's ashes were packed into an urn in the back of Meredith's closet. So, why was she here?_

_ She didn't ask the question because she knew she wouldn't get an answer._

_ There was a creak behind her, and Meredith turned to watch another compartment open and a dead body roll out. __**Her**__ dead body. She stared at herself. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew something wasn't right, but still, she stared._

_ Her hair was flat and dull against her very pale skin. Her face was sunken. She looked lifeless and...dead._

_ Meredith continued to stare at her own corpse, trying to remember when she had died, but she couldn't remember._

_ She could remember anything._

_ Corpse-Meredith's eyes opened, revealing unnaturally bright eyes. Or maybe they were normal eyes that looked overly bright in contrast to her pale skin. Lips that had no more colour than the skin around them opened and a hushed whisper escaped. "We were supposed to be extraordinary."_

_ "We were," Meredith insisted. "We are."_

_ "We got another chance to be extraordinary."_

_ Meredith opened her mouth but found no words. Her corpse was right. They had been given another chance, but they were following in their mother's footsteps. Her eyes fell on Ellis's still form. Ellis had been given another chance, but she hadn't been happy. She hadn't done anything other than be a surgeon. And now Meredith was wasting her second chance too._

_ "We're trying," she whispered, pleading with herself._

_ "It's not enough." The unnatural whisper came from Ellis's corpse this time. "You're never enough."_

Meredith jolted awake with a muffled yelp. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that her ribs hurt. Or maybe her rubs hurt because her diaphragm was contracting so tightly that she couldn't breathe.

She curled into a ball and waited for the panic to pass. Waited for her breath to come back. Waited for the image of her own corpse to stop being so vivid behind her eyes.

Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she ignored them.

Rain pounded against the windows, but she didn't notice.

Lightning flashed, followed quickly by thunder, but she didn't flinch.

Slowly her diaphragm relaxed and she was able to suck in a much needed breath of air. And then another. And another.

Her heart slowed and she no longer felt on the verge of panic.

Her surroundings came back to her. She was on the couch in the living room.

Alone.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed since Derek had left for his flight to Atlanta, but she did know that regardless of the time she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight.

With a sniff, she sat up, her knees pressed to her chest and held by her arms.

It had been months since she had had a nightmare and she vaguely wondered what had brought this one on.

Derek's departure maybe? That was probably the final straw, but she had been living with too much stress for too long. Cristina was still reeling from Burke's abandonment and was struggling to prove herself without him. Lexie was stalking Meredith around the hospital, demanding a relationship and making Meredith feel like she had a kicked a puppy every time she turned her down. Having interns was worse than Meredith had expected, especially since she couldn't bring herself to ignore them like Cristina and Alex were doing. She and Derek couldn't find a place to live. The Chief was still treating her differently than before. Her mother was still dead. And now George and Callie were getting divorced.

She removed her left arm from her knees and wiped the residual tears from her face. Lightning flashed outside and the light from the windows of the living room reflected off of her rings. She stared at them in the dark for several moments after. They were proof that she wasn't a failure. They were proof that she wasn't completely wasting her second chance. Because someone in the world loved her and wanted her, and had chosen to commit himself to her forever.

Reaching towards the side table, she groped around for her cell phone for several seconds before her fingers found the small device. She pressed at the key pad and squinted when the screen lit up. It was a little after four in the morning. Derek would still be in the air. It would be hours before he would be able to call and check in.

With a sigh, she pushed herself off the couch. If she was awake she may as well get dressed and go into the hospital early. Maybe she'd be able to snag herself a good surgery before she had to scrub in with Bailey at nine.

The stairs creaked as she slowly made her way up to the second floor and then turned towards her bedroom. She knew the house well enough that she could navigate easily in the dark.

The bedroom was cold and empty, even after she flicked on the light. The bed was untouched. A single dresser drawer was half open. And evidence of Derek's absence announced themselves from around the room. No reading material lay on his bedside table. His phone charger was gone from the wall socket. His hair products no longer sat on the corner of the dresser. And she knew without looking that much of his things were absent from the closet.

After a lifetime alone, it was strange that his absence was throwing her off so dramatically.

She padded over to the bed and ran her hand over Derek's pillow. She couldn't help but feel her chest tighten at the knowledge that it would be days before they would share the bed again. It disarmed her to realize how much she had come to depend on his presence.

With a determined huff, she stepped away from the bed and headed for the closet, stripping off her sweatpants and tee shirt on her way. She managed to avoid taking in the empty section on Derek's side of the closet as she picked out a pair of jeans and top to wear into the hospital, but she was unable to stop her gaze from catching on the urn she had stashed on the top shelf nearly four months earlier.

Visions from her nightmare of her mother's and her own dead bodies lying side by side in the morgue flashed through her mind. Her mother had almost died, but had been given a second chance, just like Meredith. But she had still died unhappy and alone more than two decades later.

The thought gave her pause. She could hear the blood rushing by her ears. This was her second chance. What was she doing with it?

She had gotten married, but she and Derek were still living together in the same room with the same number of roommates, just like before. She was a full-fledged resident now, but she didn't feel like she had any more seniority than before. It felt like she spent more time at the hospital and less time in surgery. Her life had actually gotten so stressful that she had lost track of the date and almost missed her own birthday. That wasn't very second chance-y.

"Crap," she mumbled. "Crap, crap. Crap!" Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. It would be admitting weakness to her demons. It would make her feel like even more of a failure in her second chance.

Shoving some boxes out of the way, she moved the urn to the very back corner of the closet shelf, and then pushed as many boxes in front of it, as if burying it would mean it wasn't there; would mean it couldn't haunt her.

Stepping back, she slammed the closet door shut. And then she went to work.

* * *

Her plan to get to the hospital early and hopefully snag a surgery before she had to scrub in with Bailey was not successful. She managed to catch a trauma, but her patient had coded in the ER before she could begin to get him to surgery. His injuries had been severe to the point that surgery most likely would have been futile. He had never regained consciousness, which was probably for the best.

Meredith had gone into surgery at nine with visions of her patient's wife sobbing in the ER. She had been distracted, unable to distance herself. And Bailey had noticed. She had lectured Meredith in front of her intern. And she hadn't let Meredith do much more than the bare minimum.

The air in the scrub room had been tense as they scrubbed out together. Meredith didn't feel like the peer she had felt like the day before. She felt like Bailey's intern again. And a disappointing one at that; similar to the year before when she had been the intern that Bailey had caught naked in her attending's car.

With a glare – that told Meredith she didn't need or want help talking to the patient's family – Bailey left the scrub room. Meredith turned off the water with a sigh and reached for some paper towel to dry her hands. Today was not her day.

And the moment she left the scrub room it got worse.

She had barely cleared the doorway when she very literally walked into the half-sister she had been avoiding for weeks.

"Oh," Lexie cried out in surprise, grasping onto Meredith's arm.

"Sorry. I'm sorry," Meredith said quickly, trying to make light of the situation and get away. Unfortunately, Lexie was still holding onto her arm and wasn't letting go.

"I haven't seen you around much lately."

"Yeah, I've been...busy." She managed to free her arm, but didn't feel comfortable just walking away now that Lexie had engaged her in some sort of conversation.

"I heard that you, uh, changed your name."

Meredith nodded. Both her lab coat and hospital ID now declared her as '_Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd.'_ It had taken a little more than a week for the lab coat to be updated, but when it had her heart had skipped a beat at the sight. It was so official. So real. She hadn't been able to stop smiling the whole first day she wore it. And Derek's eyes had heated the moment she had shown up in his office to show off the update. He hadn't wasted time in leaving his paperwork behind and taking her in his arms. They'd had sex on his couch to celebrate.

"That's cool," Lexie continued. "Is Dr. Shepherd here today? I haven't seen him." She was trying to make conversation, was trying to find something they could talk about.

"No," Meredith said shortly, before reacting to the hurt look in Lexie's eyes. It was the kicked-puppy look. She forced the scowl from her face. "He's in Atlanta for a consult."

"Oh. That's...too bad. For you, I mean. You must miss him."

Meredith shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. She didn't want anyone to know how much she missed her husband, especially not Lexie.

"I remember how much my mom hated it when my dad went away to a conference-" Lexie cut herself off, before rambling onward, "I mean our dad. Our dad. Because he's in research. Which you know. Or, at least, I think you know. He does research. And he goes to conferences a few times a year and-"

"_Your_ dad was right," Meredith cut her off quietly. "He's not _our_ dad."

Lexie hesitated before saying quietly, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that he's not your dad, Meredith. I wish there was something I could do."

As much as she wanted to brush off the conversation and the younger surgeon, Meredith couldn't, because the younger surgeon reminded her too much of Susan Grey. She hadn't been able to say no to Susan, and now she was struggling to do so with Lexie.

"It's not your fault," she offered. "None of this is your fault."

Lexie smiled and nodded. "It's not yours either."

Meredith nodded. "I know. But the thing is...that doesn't change anything. Things are the way they are."

"But they could be different."

"No," she said quietly. "They really can't."

"He's sorry, you know?"

Meredith hesitated, not wanting to hurt the younger girl. "I know that you think that and-"

"He is," Lexie cut her off, insistent.

"Susan used to tell me that too," Meredith countered. Lexie's hurt expression made Meredith feel bad, but it was the truth. She took a breath to calm herself. "I'm really sorry about your mother. I...I was really fond of her," she said, echoing her words from so many weeks before. "But Thatcher...he doesn't want anything to do with me. And he didn't for a long time. And I'm tired of hearing other people tell me how sorry he is when I've never heard it from him."

"He's just...struggling."

Meredith allotted all of the extra energy she had into offering Lexie a small smile. "He's struggling. And I really am sorry about your mother. But even before..." She trailed off, not needing to verbalize what the _before_ event was. "He wasn't any different to me before."

"But things could be different. I know you hate him. And me. But-"

"I don't hate him," Meredith said quietly. "I just don't..." She sighed. "He's not my father. He's not anything to me." She paused. "And I don't hate you."

"You don't?" Lexie perked up.

"No," she confirmed. "But you're not my sister."

"I could be," she said quietly.

Meredith sighed. "But _I_ can't be. I grew up alone, Lexie. No father. Barely a mother. No siblings. No family. And it took a long time for me to be able to get close to people, to let them in, to build myself a family. And when I tried to expand my family it ended badly."

Lexie's expression fell.

"I can't let myself get hurt again. I know none of this is your fault. And I know you feel bad, but I can't let anyone new in right now. I can't get hurt again. It almost destroyed everything last time," she finished quietly. Lexie's eyes were downcast. Meredith took a breath and stepped around the younger surgeon. She was halfway down the hallway when Lexie called after her.

"Meredith? I wouldn't hurt you. And I'm a good sister."

She paused at the quiet words, but couldn't bring herself to turn around. Instead she blinked away the stinging in her eyes and walked away.

* * *

Cristina and Izzie were already seated at their regular cafeteria table when Meredith dropped her tray onto the table and collapsed onto a free chair. "I'm having a horrible day," she announced.

"Join the club," Cristina responded dryly.

"Life was supposed to be better now that we're not interns anymore, but it seems worse."

"Really? Because I think it's better," Izzy announce. "My interns are okay. And I think I'm doing a good job teaching them. I mean, I'm not Bailey, but I think they like me."

"They're not supposed to like you. They're supposed to be scared of you."

"They're not supposed to be scared of you," Izzy countered Cristina. "They're supposed to respect you."

"And respect comes from fear."

Meredith rolled her eyes as they continued to argue. At least it was something to keep her mind off her day. Her very, very crappy day.

"Where's Derek?" Izzy asked suddenly, having given up fighting with Cristina. "I was supposed to work with him this morning, but I got stuck with Shadow-Shepherd instead."

"Atlanta," she said with a sigh.

"Atlanta?"

She shrugged. "Consult. He left last night." It reminded her that he should have arrived hours ago. She pulled her phone from her lab coat pocket.

_One missed call._

She dialled her voicemail. Derek's tired voice met her ears several seconds later.

_'Hey, it's your favourite husband...'_ Meredith couldn't help but smile at the sound of her husband pausing to chuckle at his own joke._ 'I hope you got a better night's sleep than I did. The plane ride was horrible. I'm officially exhausted.' _He sighed._ 'I'm at the airport now, just waiting for my ride. They're going to take me straight to the hospital. I'm not sure how long I'll be there today. I'll call again when I get a chance.' _There was a pause and a shuffling sound._ 'I hope work is good today and you've scored yourself a good surgery. I'll talk to you when I can. Love you.'_

Meredith pulled her phone away from her ear and resisted the urge to replay the message. Instead, she saved it and then quickly sent him a text to let him know she was out of surgery and he could call back when he had a chance. She placed her phone on the table and spun it between her fingers.

"What's your problem?" Cristina asked.

She shrugged, not wanting to burden her friend. "Nothing. I just didn't get much sleep last night."

"At least you got to be at home," Izzy spoke up. "I was stuck here all night."

"And I was here the night before," Meredith retorted.

"And I was here both nights," Cristina added.

"Always a competition with her," Izzy joked.

It was Cristina's turn to shrug. "What's wrong with that? Competition is healthy."

"_Normal_ competition is healthy," Izzy agreed, "But what you do? Not healthy."

Meredith laughed at the combination of Izzy's tone and Cristina's subsequent scowl. For a moment it was nice to distract herself with someone else's crazy.

* * *

Meredith's day hadn't improved by mid-afternoon. She had been stuck in the pit since shortly after lunch, and even though Bailey was no longer in charge of her, she was pretty sure it was Bailey's doing that she was stuck in the pit for the afternoon. It was punishment for that morning.

After finishing with what seemed like her umpteenth patient with a small wound that required a few stitches, Meredith stumbled back to the desk and passed the chart to a nurse, who took it with a small smile as she held out a new chart.

"Another one? Seriously?" Meredith whined as she took the new chart.

The nurse laughed. "And about five more waiting in line..."

Meredith groaned. "Was there some knife giveaway today that I wasn't aware of? This is getting ridiculous." Her fingers were actually starting to ache from all of the stitches.

"How late are you here today?"

"I'm on call tonight..."

"Ouch. I was going to say you only have a couple hours left, but now..."

Meredith made a face. "Just don't say it. I'm trying not to think about it."

Before the nurse could respond, the ER phone rang. She picked it up and exchanged a few words before placing the phone back down on the cradle and looking back up at Meredith. "It's your lucky day. Incoming trauma. Two minutes out."

Meredith smiled as she passed the chart back to the nurse. Finally. Something to take her mind off all the craziness she seemed to be plagued with. "Thanks," she told the nurse as she pushed herself away from the desk and headed to prepare for the trauma.

She glanced at her cell phone before she pulled the trauma gown on over her scrubs. Derek had texted her back about an hour after lunch to say he would be too busy to call for several hours and she hadn't heard from him again. After returning the phone to her waistband she pulled off her pager and quickly paged her intern. She then pulled the gown on and fastened the ties as she headed to the ambulance bay.

The wail of sirens greeted her the moment she stepped outside. The doors had barely closed behind her when the ambulance appeared around the corner, lights still flashing. The driver cut the sirens as he approached the doors, but let the lights continue as he moved faster than normal.

Meredith frowned as she realized the paramedics were obviously in a hurry. She turned her head. No intern yet.

The ambulance stopped and the doors swung open immediately. Meredith stepped forward, taking the chart from the hands of the first paramedic out the doors. "MVA. Unknown female, approximately twenty years old, foreign body in her abdomen. She's been unstable since we extracted her from the car."

Meredith lifted her eyes from the chart as the patient was carefully taken out of the ambulance. "What...?" There was a large, dark sheet of...something sticking out of the unconscious girl's abdomen.

"Part of the dashboard," the paramedic offered, in answer to Meredith's unspoken question. "Old car."

The doors opened behind her, and Meredith spun to meet the eyes of her intern. "Book an OR and page the Chief," she commanded. Bailey was in surgery with Dr. Sanders, the only other general surgeon Meredith knew to be currently on shift. The intern nodded and spun on his heel.

"Okay, we'll take her to trauma one and assess. But I'm pretty sure she's going straight to the OR."

The patient coded twice before they could even transfer her to a hospital gurney and hooked up to monitors. "We're not going to have time for films," Meredith muttered as she felt for the patient's pulse after getting her back for the second time.

Her intern appeared in the doorway. "We've got OR three. And the Chief is free."

"Tell him we'll meet him there. And then you meet us there, too. We're going to need all the free hands we can get."

"Okay, Dr. Grey...Shepherd," the intern stumbled over her name. "Dr. Grey-Shepherd," he repeated, with the names strung together.

"Go," Meredith snapped at him with a roll of his eyes.

With wide eyes, the intern disappeared back into the hallway.

Meredith turned back to the OR nurses who were assisting. "Okay, this is as stable as she's going to get. Let's get her upstairs."

The journey to the OR floor was nerve-wracking. The patient coded again on the elevator, but Meredith got her back again. Her intern was waiting in the hall when they pushed the gurney out of the elevator. "Dr. Webber is scrubbing in," he announced.

"Good. Get the patient to the OR while I scrub in. Do not jostle her any more than absolutely necessary. And she's already coded three times, so don't be afraid to use the defibrillator."

She left the patient in her intern's (hopefully) capable hands as she hurried into the scrub room. The Chief was already there, scrubbing at his hands.

"What have we got?"

"Twenty year old female with a piece of a car dashboard embedded in her abdomen."

The Chief glanced at her with an eyebrow raised.

Meredith nodded. "It's bad. She's lost a lot of blood and she's coded three times since she got here. I've strung O-neg and sent her blood for a type and cross. There wasn't time for films..."

Webber nodded. "You did the right thing. Better we go in blind then have her die waiting for a scan." He finished at the sink and disappeared into the OR without another word. Meredith quickly finished and followed him into the OR. The patient was already under.

She traded places with her intern. "Dr. Webber, is it okay if Dr. Thompson scrubs in?"

The Chief nodded.

Meredith nodded towards the scrub room and smiled behind her mask as her intern nearly tripped over his own feet in his hurry to get there. She turned back to the Chief. "What's the plan?"

"Let's try and get some hands around the object and see what kind of damage we're going to be dealing with before we try and move anything."

They worked quickly and efficiently. The patient coded an additional time, but they were eventually able to remove the jagged piece of dashboard and stabilize the patient. With the bleeding controllable, everyone took a sigh of relief.

"How's your internship going, Dr. Thomas?" Webber asked as he and Meredith worked together to repair the damage.

"It's, uh, Thompson, Sir," the intern stammered nervously.

"Dr. Thompson, of course. Too many new names this year. It's hard to remember them all."

"It's okay," Thompson said quickly, before he began rambling about how much he was enjoying his time at Seattle Grace, how much he was learning and how grateful he was for the opportunity to be here.

Certain she would have been like this with her Chief of surgery a year ago if it hadn't been Richard Webber, Meredith let her intern go on with his ramble. Instead, she focussed on the look Webber had shot her when he had apologized to Thompson. _Too many new names this year_, he had said. And then he had – very quickly and very discreetly – shot a displeased look in Meredith's direction.

Meredith frowned. Things had been strained between them since she had become a resident, but he hadn't said anything after she had dropped off her change-of-name papers with Patricia. Her new badge had arrived in her locker, and then her lab coat had been updated shortly after. He couldn't possibly be mad at her for changing her name, could he? No, she thought to herself. It had taken her weeks to decide about her name, and he had been treating her differently since before that.

The Chief turned his focus to Meredith. "And Dr. Grey, how is your second year of residency treating you?" He asked the question, but sounded as if he was just asking because he felt obligated after asking Thompson.

"It's going well, Chief," she said carefully.

Richard turned to Thompson again. "And how is Dr. Grey treating you as your resident?"

"Great," he said. "I'm learning a lot." He hesitated for a moment, and then, likely feeling over-confident in the Chief's interest in him, corrected the senior surgeon, "But it's Dr. Grey-Shepherd now."

The Chief's demeanour changed immediately. "I know her name," he snapped at Thompson. "I've known her practically since she was born."

Thompson jolted and fell immediately silent.

Meredith took a breath and willed herself to be calm. So he was angry about her decision to change her name. She had to remind herself that he was her Chief of Surgery and that they were operating on a patient who had been very unstable only an hour earlier. She would not react. She would not get angry. Not now. Not here.

Silence fell in the OR. The only words exchanged were those directly related to the patient. And even when the surgery was finished and the patient was sewn up, nothing was exchanged. Webber left the OR for the scrub room.

Meredith exhaled, feeling as if she had been holding her breath for hours. She sent her intern to follow the patient and monitor her post-op. And then she took two deep breaths and followed Webber into the scrub room.

The air was heavy in the scrub room as she cautiously stepped up to the sink beside the Chief. "It was a good surgery," she offered.

He nodded, but said nothing.

Meredith sighed. She didn't want to push the subject, but at the same time she would have to bring up the subject eventually. There had already been two months of strain between them.

"Chief, are you...mad at me for changing my name?" She asked quietly, deciding this was the best place to start. If things went badly, the conversation could stop there.

"Your name is your choice," he responded, not actually answering the question.

"It is my choice," she agreed. "It's just...you seem unhappy with me."

He shut off the water in his sink and sighed before responding, "I wasn't happy that I found out through Patricia after you dropped off the paperwork."

Meredith reminded herself to stay calm. "Well, you weren't exactly keen about talking with me even before that."

"It's your life, Meredith. You get to decide how to spend it."

"And that's exactly what I'm doing; making decisions for myself. So, I don't exactly see the problem here..."

"Who said there was a problem?"

A small surge of anger bubbled up inside her, and she couldn't quell the whole thing before some of it escaped. Yes, he was her boss, but he was also the man who had broken her mother's heart and treated Derek badly for months. "Well, you seem to have a problem with it," she accused, "Because I don't know what it is that I did wrong, but you've been treating me differently for two months."

Richard's eyes flashed. "I'm your Chief of Surgery, _Grey_, I don't have time to coddle you."

The deliberate use of her maiden name combined with his characteristic use of the power of his position when he was caught off guard almost sent Meredith over the edge. "I never asked to be coddled, _Chief_. I never asked for any special treatment, but I do expect to be treated with respect in this hospital and not ignored, like you've been doing for two months. Ever since I stopped being an intern, you've been treating me differently. And I don't know why. Is it because of Derek? Is it because I know you offered him Chief?" She asked, referring to their conversation several weeks earlier. "Because, like I told you before, I didn't tell anyone. And I won't tell anyone. So, I don't understand-"

"I trusted him with you," he cut her off.

Meredith stammered, unable to come up with a suitable response.

"He promised he would do right by you, so I took a step back. And then he..." He trailed off.

"Then he what? What is it Derek's supposed to have done to me? Other than make me happy?" With all of the stress and uncertainty she had been subjected to, Derek was the constant in her life.

"He rushed you."

"What?"

"You only knew him for a year and – for God's sake, Meredith – he'd only been divorced for less than a year. He pushed you to marry him."

In her entire life, Meredith couldn't remember a time when she had been truly speechless. This wasn't about her position as a resident or any knowledge she may or may not have about the hospital. This was about her marriage; her personal life.

"I should have said something when you started wearing an engagement ring, but I didn't. I thought there would be time. I didn't think...I didn't think you'd come back from vacation married. That's not something you can take back."

"That's not something I want to take back," Meredith argued, having finally found her voice.

"You barely know him-"

"How dare you," she snapped, having lost control of her anger. "I know everything I need to know about him. And he knows everything about me. It was nobody's decision but ours to get married when and how we did. And not one person has been upset with us, so what makes _you_ think you get a say in that?"

"I promised your mother," he announced quietly.

"What?"

"I promised your mother," he repeated. "The day before she died, when she was lucid, I promised her I would look out for you."

"I don't need anyone to look out for me," she hissed.

"Meredith-"

"No. This is...inappropriate. I don't care if you're my boss. And I certainly don't care about whatever it is you used to have going on with my mother. You do not get to judge my relationship; my _marriage_. And you don't get to question my choices. Do you have any idea how demeaning that is? Who cares how long I knew him before we got married. With the amount of crap we went through it felt like _years_. But that's not for you to judge. My personal life does not affect my ability to do my job, and to do it well, so this has nothing to do with you." Without giving him a chance to respond, she left the scrub room before she lost it completely. He may be the man who had basically destroyed her childhood and was now interfering in her life – again – but he was still her boss. That meant she – unfortunately – couldn't say all the things she wanted to say.

* * *

After distracting herself by rounding on all of the surgical patients she had been involved with for the last week, Meredith headed down to the front lobby to get herself a coffee from the cart. Once she had a steaming cup of coffee in hand, Meredith escaped to an empty corner of the waiting room and collapsed onto a chair, tucking her legs underneath her.

She sat quietly for several minutes, inhaling the steam wafting upwards from her coffee, allowing it to calm her. She was still shocked by the Chief's admission, but was no longer as overwhelmed with anger. He had no right to interfere with her life. He didn't get an opinion. She had managed to shove all of her feelings about Richard Webber and his past with her mother into some crevice in the back of her mind, but when he did things like this, she couldn't keep the emotions contained.

Her mother hadn't put any effort into protecting Meredith or looking out for her while she was alive and lucid, so why would she bother making Richard promise to take over the role she had failed so badly in? Meredith had learned to look out for herself. For a long time Meredith had been the only person in her life that she could rely on. But she had slowly learned to let others in. And that hadn't been easy. She was still independent, and would always be, but on the occasions where life became overwhelming, she had Derek. He could always make things better.

At the reminder, Meredith pulled her cell phone off of her waistband.

_One missed call_.

She quickly dialled into her voicemail.

_"Hey," Derek's tired voice greeted her. "I hope your day was better than mine. I'm exhausted." He sighed. "I'm at the hotel now. Call me if you get this message in the next half hour or so. If I don't hear from you I'll just assume you're scrubbed in on some kick ass surgery." He sighed again. "I wish we'd gotten to talk today. Call me back any time," he clarified. "I love you, Mer."_

Meredith smiled as the message ended and she pulled the phone from her ear, but she frowned as she checked the time of Derek's call. Over an hour ago. With the time change, it was midnight in Atlanta. As much as she wanted to call him back, she didn't want to wake him. He had sounded exhausted on the phone and was probably sleeping right now.

She remained in the corner of the waiting room until she had drained half of her coffee, and then she forced herself to get up and return to her shift. The elevator was empty when she stepped on to return to the surgical floor. Unfortunately, the elevator stopped on the first floor and Bailey stepped on.

"Grey," she greeted without looking Meredith in the eye. Her attention was on the pile of charts in her hands.

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith responded with a small smile. She suspected she would always be 'Grey' to Bailey after being the woman's intern for a year. But that was okay, because it was used in habit and not to make a point.

"Are you feeling better this evening?" She asked without looking up from the chart in her hands.

Meredith nodded twice before she found the right words to offer. "Yes. I am. And I'm sorry...for this morning."

Bailey said nothing.

Unable to be the last one to speak before an awkward silence, Meredith felt compelled to continue. "I lost a patient in the ER right before I joined you in surgery. It was bad. Really bad. And his wife..." She trailed off.

Bailey lifted her eyes from her chart. "Learning to distance yourself is part of being a surgeon."

"I know. And I'm usually good at it, but today..." She trailed off with a sigh. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"You're not my intern anymore. You don't need to apologize to me."

"I feel like I should anyway," she explained. "I've been distracted and you taught me better than that."

Bailey observed her for a long moment before she reached for the stop button. "What's going on, Grey?" She asked quietly.

She shook her head. "I don't know...just..." She sighed again. "I was fine. And now I'm...not fine."

"Very specific."

A half-sob, half-laugh escaped her lips. "I just thought things were going to be different than they are now."

"Different how?"

"Different like I didn't expect to be stocked by my half-sister, who was supposed to do her residency across the country. Different like I didn't expect Cristina to get left at the altar and George to get divorced. Different like I didn't expect to get on the Chief's bad side for getting married. Different like I didn't expect to be having nightmares about my mother. This is my second chance and I just feel like I'm failing." Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked furiously against them. She hadn't meant to say any of these things out loud, but Bailey had a way of extracting information from her that she couldn't prevent.

"You're going to be working with Lexie for a long time, so you're going to have to learn to deal with her," Bailey began, getting straight to the point. "Yang and O-Malley need to you to be their friend, not get caught up in their trauma when you're still reeling from your own-"

"I'm not reeling," Meredith interjected.

"You're reeling. You lost your mother and your step mother, and you almost died. Not to mention everything that happened with your father. That's not something you get past overnight."

Meredith took in her words, but stayed silent, knowing she didn't have an argument to stand on.

"And just ignore the Chief. Between me and you, the Chief doesn't deserve a second thought right now."

This made Meredith smile. Bailey was obviously still angry at being passed over for Chief Resident.

"He thinks Derek pushed me into marrying him. And apparently he made some stupid promise to my mother that makes him feel responsible."

Bailey shook her head. "Grey, if I thought Shepherd forced you into anything, I would have his head. Let the Chief feel what he's feeling and stay out of his way. _He_ never learned the art of distancing himself..."

Meredith smiled softly. "Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey huffed. "I had to do this for your husband once, too." She shook her head. "You fools need to learn to deal with your emotions instead of trying to lock them up inside." She reached for the button to restart the elevator.

"We'll try."

The elevator came to a stop at the surgical floor and they both stepped off together.

"Grey?" Bailey called before walking away. "Nightmares mean something is unresolved. Find a way to deal with your mother and the nightmares will go away."

Meredith nodded. "I'll try."

"Don't just try. Do it. I taught you better than to just try."

She smiled. "I'll do it."

"Good."

* * *

It was hours later that Meredith stumbled tiredly into an on call room. After getting so little sleep the night before, she was exhausted now. With any luck, she would be able to get a couple hours of sleep before morning rounds. And with a little more luck, she would be too tried to dream.

The on-call room was empty, for which she was extremely grateful. She collapsed onto the closest bed and curled up under the thin blanket. It was colder than she would like, but would have to do for now. In a few days Derek would be home and she'd be able to fall asleep in his arms.

She was always warm in his arms.

Unable to give herself the warmth she was craving, she reached for her cell phone and dialled into her voicemail. There were no new messages, but she listened to both messages he had left earlier. Twice. And when she hung up, she felt a little better. She felt a little more like she could deal with everything.

She would figure out how to put her mother to rest. And she would figure out how to help Cristina and George. And she would figure out how to work with Lexie. And she would figure out what to do about the Chief.

And when Derek got home, he would help her. Because she wasn't completely wasting her second chance.

She placed her cell phone on the mattress beside her pillow, next to her pager. Her eyes closed as she felt her mind start to drift towards sleep. She was so tired that sleep came easily.

Unfortunately, so did the nightmares.

She awoke in a panic, just like the night before. Her heart was pounding and her chest was so tight that she fought to breathe. For several terrifying moments it felt like she was back in the water. Alone.

The panic attack got so bad that she started to see spots.

Meredith shut her eyes tightly and rolled onto her side, clutching her knees to her chest. Visions of her own, blue corpse next to her mother's played vividly behind her eyelids. This nightmare had been mostly the same as the one she had had the night before, only this time she had somehow started in the water and ended in the hospital morgue staring at herself and her mother.

She finally managed to suck in a breath of air, and then shuddered at the effort. She forced her mind away from the nightmare in her struggle to calm herself down; she thought of her friends and her husband.

The tightness in her chest loosened enough that she managed a second breath, and then a third. And a forth. The overwhelming sense of panic released its grip on her. Finally able to breathe, she was only trembling slightly when she reached for her cell phone and hit her first speed dial on instinct alone.

The phone rang four times against her ear before she realized it was the middle of the night.

During ring five and six, she debated hanging up, but couldn't find the strength to terminate the call when she was so close to hearing his voice.

At ring seven she thought the only way she was going to hear his voice was through his outgoing voicemail message. But then he picked up.

"Mer?" Derek's groggy voice greeted her.

A wave of comfort swept over her just at the knowledge that they were sharing a phone line. He was on the other side, listening. Waiting for her to speak.

If only she could find the words.

Tears welled in her eyes as she clutched the phone tighter in her hand.

"Meredith?" He spoke again, his voice less groggy and now laced with concern.

"Hi," she finally managed to say.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly.

She closed her eyes and breathed. "I'm fine. I- I'm sorry. I should have called. Not now. It's the middle of the freaking night. I'm sorry. I'll let you get back to sleep."

"What's the matter?" He asked, ignoring the beginning of a ramble.

"I shouldn't have called," she repeated. "I just woke up and I... It was automatic. I'm sorry."

"Nightmare?"

He knew her too well. "Yeah," she admitted in a whisper.

"I'm sorry."

She smiled. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"You can always wake me up," he assured her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not really."

He said nothing for several moments, the only sound on the other end of the line his even breathing. "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered back.

"Tell me about your day."

She recognized exactly what he was doing. He was trying to distract her; was trying to get her mind onto something else. "I'm okay, Derek. I promise. You can go back to sleep."

"I have to get up in an hour anyway," he said, "And I'd much rather spend that time talking to my wife than sleeping."

"Liar."

He chuckled. "I crashed early last night," he assured, "And we didn't get to talk at all yesterday. _And_ I know I won't be able to get back to sleep now. So, tell me about your day."

"It was pretty crappy," she admitted. "I lost a patient in the ER. And then I scrubbed in with Bailey and was distracted. And then Lexie cornered me. And then I got stuck doing sutures in the pit forever. And then I had a fight with the Chief. And I miss you," she ended quietly, "Which is pathetic, I know, because you've been gone less than thirty-six hours, but I can't help it."

"I miss you, too," he responded easily, "So we can be pathetic together."

Meredith couldn't help the giggle that escaped her lips. He always knew how to make her feel better.

"Let's start at the beginning. Tell me about the patient you lost."

"MVA. Didn't stand a chance, but still..." She sighed. "His wife was in the car with him, but his side took the impact. She was a little banged up. But when he coded..." She trailed off with a sniff. "I couldn't get her reaction out of my head when I scrubbed in with Bailey. I was distracted. And she wasn't happy."

"We've all been there, Mer. Learning to distance is the hardest lesson there is. We can't save everyone."

"It just doesn't seem fair."

"I know. I feel the same way every time I lose a patient."

"And then Lexie cornered me when I left the OR," Meredith said, pushing the conversation forward.

"And?"

"And I hate that I can't hate her."

"That's very rational of you."

"Shut up."

Derek laughed.

"I just... I want to be able to hate her. I should be allowed to hate her. She's one of Thatcher's replacement daughters. She had the childhood I didn't get. So, why can't I hate her?"

"Because it wasn't her fault."

Meredith sighed as she rolled onto her back, the phone still clutched to her ear. This was a conversation they had had many times. "I still hate the idea of her."

"I know."

"I just want her to leave me alone. We could just be doctors who work in the same hospital, but she won't let that happen. So, we're stuck in some sort of awkward...thing."

"An awkward thing, huh?"

"Shut up," she said with a laugh.

"It'll get better."

"You don't know that. She told me she'd be a good sister."

Derek sighed. "Mer, are you sure-"

"I'm sure," she cut him off. The last thing she needed was another attempt at getting to know her family blowing up in her face.

"She'll run out of steam eventually," he told her. "Just give her time and she'll realize you're serious and back off."

Expecting to be calmed by Derek's statement, Meredith wasn't sure why she found herself disappointed. She wanted Lexie to back off, right?

"So, what was next?" Derek spoke up. "Hours of sutures?"

"Yeah."

"You're a surgical resident. That's part of the deal."

She laughed. "That's not very supportive," she teased.

"I've been there," he reminded. "Many, many times. What was next?"

"Fight with the Chief."

"Right. About what?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Well, us?"

"He's mad at us?"

"Yes. He's mad at us for getting married. Or, mad at me for marrying you. Or, mad at you for pushing me. Or, something. Whatever. He doesn't get a freaking say in our life. And I was so freaking mad at him, Derek. I had to leave the room before I said something I would really regret."

"Back up. He's mad that we got married? He thinks I pushed you?"

"Apparently, he promised my mother that he would look out for me. So, now he's mad that we got married and I changed my name because he thinks it's too fast. He said he trusted you with me and that you promised you'd be a good guy, or whatever, but that he never expected us to get married so soon. He told me that I barely know you and that you pushed me to marry you."

Derek was silent for a long moment, and when he finally spoke he voice was low. "Meredith, if I thought for a moment that you weren't ready to get married I-"

"Derek, shut up," she spoke up quickly. "Those were his words, not mine. _We_ got married because _we_ wanted to. End of story. It's not up to the Chief to approve or disapprove. The fact that he thinks he gets a say makes me so freaking mad. What right does he think he has? And what right did my mother think she had in asking him to look out for me? Like she ever looked out for me."

"I'll talk to him when I get home."

"Derek..."

"You shouldn't have to put up with this. In fact, it's his job to be impartial. I told him before that I would file a complaint against him if he continued to treat me differently. And now he's just turning on you. That's not acceptable."

"Maybe we should turn him and Lexie against each other. Then they could drive each other crazy and not us."

Derek laughed. "Good idea."

She smiled. "So, that's my day." She wasn't sure why she hadn't told him about the nightmare she had woken up to that morning. "Tell me about your day."

"Hmm, my day. Well, after getting next to no sleep on the plane, I was taken straight to the hospital."

"Is your patient famous? You said he was a VIP."

"Not famous. Just rich. And a pain in the ass. His son has a spinal tumour. He's actually the patient."

"Is it operable?"

"Completely. And benign. There's no reason they couldn't have operated weeks ago, when the tumour was first discovered. He keeps ordering more tests and asking for more opinions. And the more time he delays, the bigger the tumour is getting. They were all set to operate last week, but he pulled the plug because he didn't believe the surgeon could do it. He hired people to do all sorts of research on this kind of tumour, and then he demanded I do the surgery."

"At least that means he knows you're the best."

Derek chuckled. "True."

She rolled her eyes. "And arrogant."

"Hey, you said it, not me."

"So, you spent your whole day dealing with Mr. Annoying?"

"Mostly. They asked me to consult on a few other patients while I'm here. We won't be operating on the tumour until tomorrow at the earliest, but I'm scrubbing in with a guy I went to med school with this morning."

"On what?"

"Double barrel bypass."

"Okay, now I'm jealous."

"I'll be observing more than anything."

"Hello, second year resident here. Welcome to my world."

He laughed. "Good point."

"What were the other consults?"

Derek proceeded to take her over several other cases he had been asked to consult on. It was nearly an hour later, when his alarm went off, that Meredith realized he had managed to take her mind completely off of her nightmare.

"I have to get ready to go into the hospital," Derek said apologetically.

"I should go to," she assured him. "Have to make sure my interns aren't killing anyone."

"I'll talk to you after my surgery this morning. Around lunch time?"

"Your lunch time will be my morning surgery."

"Good point. How about I call you at four?"

"Your four?"

"Yes."

"So, my one?"

"Yes."

She smiled. "It's a date."

"It's a date," he echoed.

_**AN: So, three weeks ago I got to the part where Meredith was calling Derek in the middle of the night and left the chapter there for the night, thinking I could finish it the next day. Unfortunately (and ironically), I got my own middle of the night phone call that night. My stepdad almost died, and I spent two weeks in the hospital with my mom. Needless to say, writing took a backseat. The good news is, he's going to be okay. I've been back home for a week, but spent the time catching up at work. Today was the first day I could even open the file. If there are no setbacks, I'm hoping to update again soon.**_


	104. Chapter 104

_**AN: Thank you to everyone who left reviews and sent me PMs with hopeful wishes for my stepdad. He's stable and home now, and while he's past the point of worrying whether he's going to make it and recover, he's still far from a hundred percent. I've had to spend my weekends at their house, which is a five hour drive one way in good weather and traffic, and have spent my weeks trying to catch up at work. Unfortunately, I haven't had much time to write. I was home this weekend, and finally got to finish this chapter. I really hope everyone likes it. It's an important turning point and addresses several storylines. And it has lots of Meredith/Derek interaction. Lots.**_

* * *

Glad to finally be back in his hospital after spending five days across the country in another hospital, Derek frowned as his eyes immediately caught sight of his wife's name on the OR board. She was scrubbed in with Callie, and would be for at least another hour. Likely closer to two.

His disappointment at having to wait longer to see her was made a little better by the sight of the name that made him smile every time he spotted it on the board.

_Grey-Shepherd, M._

Her decision had surprised him. After several weeks of indecision from his wife, Derek had believed she had wanted to remain Meredith Grey. And he hadn't been the least bit upset by that. He truly believed that her name was entirely her choice and wouldn't make a difference to him. But she had surprised him by announcing her choice six weeks into their marriage. Grey-Shepherd. It had quite the ring to it.

She had taken care of the paperwork, with the hospital, the American Board of Surgery and the government, without an ounce of hesitation. And he couldn't help but notice the soft smile that had captured her lips for the first week after her lab coat had been updated.

It had made him smile too. As much as he respected her right to make her own decision, he was more than happy with the one she had made. That she would choose to take his name made his heart swell. She was associating herself with him officially and forever.

He had originally expected to land in Seattle early that morning, but his flight had been delayed. He hadn't arrived in time to have breakfast with his wife, like they had planned. Instead his plane had landed hours later than expected and Derek had taken a cab home to shower and change. He didn't have anything scheduled that day, but he always had paperwork to do, so he thought it best to come in for a few hours. If nothing more, he could take Meredith out for dinner after her shift.

It had only been five days, but it had also been the first time he and Meredith had been apart for any real amount of time since they had gotten married. And the fact that she had obviously been struggling during his absence only made him miss his wife even more.

She had seemed okay after their middle of the night phone call several days earlier, but he still wanted desperately to hold her in his arms and look into her eyes and know she really was okay. Unfortunately, the OR Board's schedule was getting in the way of Derek's plan.

"You're back."

Derek turned his head at Mark's voice and nodded.

"How was Atlanta?"

"Good. I got to scrub in with Charleston twice."

"I still can't believe anyone trusts that man with a scalpel."

Derek chuckled. He and Mark had gone to medical school with Charleston and had more memories of the man at the bar than in class.

"Funny. He said the same thing about you."

Mark huffed. "I wasn't nearly as bad as him."

"Just keep telling yourself that."

"Whatever, man. Did you want to grab a drink tonight?"

Things with Mark had been improving steadily for months now. Derek definitely didn't consider him his best friend again yet, but Mark was definitely getting back into the friend category. They'd been out for drinks a few times.

"Maybe tomorrow. I have plans tonight." His plan for that evening was very simple. Take his wife out for dinner, make sure she really was okay and then take her home and make up for the days they'd been apart.

"Sounds good. Did you want to grab a coffee now?"

"I'd love to. It'll give me more time before I have to confront the Chief." He'd been angry at Richard since Meredith had told him about the conversation she had shared with the man who was supposed to be impartial. He wasn't looking forward to the conversation that he knew he had to have because he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold his temper in check.

"What's the Chief done now?" Mark asked as his pager went off. He pulled it off of his waistband to read the small screen.

Derek sighed. "Enough that it's going to be tough not to strangle him."

Mark looked up from his pager and considered Derek for a long moment before shrugging. "Do you need me to help you kick his ass?"

Surprising himself, Derek laughed. "That would just get us both fired."

"Still. I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks," Derek said dryly.

Mark clapped him on the back. "Good luck with whatever it is you need to deal with the Chief about. We'll have to grab a coffee another time. My OR's free early so I have a facelift to get to."

"Sounds fascinating," Derek called after his friend as Mark walked away. He then sent another glare towards the OR Board, just for good measure, and headed off towards Richard's office.

The office door was closed, so Derek knocked. Almost immediately, Richard's voice yelled for him to 'come in.'

Derek took a deep breath and reminded himself to stay calm before he opened the door.

"Chief," he greeted as he shut the door behind him. It wouldn't be a short conversation, and it likely wouldn't be a quiet conversation, so he thought it best to give himself and Richard as much privacy as possible. The last thing he needed to do was make the situation worse by making it hospital gossip.

"Shep," Richard echoed as Derek dropped himself down onto the chair across the desk from him. "I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow."

"My flight landed a few hours ago. I thought I'd come in and do some paperwork, and then take my wife out for dinner after her shift."

At Derek's words, Richard turned his attention back to his own paperwork. "I heard your surgery went well in Atlanta," he said without looking up. "It's good press for the hospital."

Derek felt his jaw tighten in frustration. He shouldn't have to deal with Richard's behaviour, and even more so, Meredith shouldn't have to deal with Richard's behaviour. As an in demand department head, Derek could stand up for himself to the Chief of Surgery without worry, but as a second year resident, Meredith had to censor herself as much as possible. It was why Derek had wanted to speak to Richard alone. There were things that needed to be said, and he didn't want his wife at a disadvantage because of it.

"The surgery went well," Derek agreed. "Patient should make a full recovery."

"That's good."

"Mmm-hmm," Derek agreed with a nod that was more for himself than Richard, seeing as the older man was still focussed on the paperwork in front of him. He had never met anyone as passive-aggressive as Richard Webber.

"Is there something else you need?"

Derek felt his temper flare, but he forced himself to take a deep breath before he responded. "Yes, there is more. And seeing as you won't look me in the eye, you know exactly what it is I came in here to talk to you about."

Richard sighed and set his pen down. He looked up, meeting Derek's gaze as if proving a point. "I have nothing to say, Shep."

"Well, I have lots to say."

"Shepherd-"

"We've had this discussion already," Derek said, cutting Richard off, "And apparently we need to have it again."

"I assume Meredith told you about our conversation."

Derek nodded. "She did."

"I just stated my opinion."

"You don't get an opinion," Derek countered.

"I made her mother a promise that I would protect her."

"She doesn't need protecting. And she sure as hell doesn't need protecting from me!" Derek snapped. Even if Richard did deserve an opinion – which he didn't – Derek had never done anything to warrant disapproval.

Richard reacted to Derek's tone. "I trusted you with her!"

"It's not up to you to trust me with her."

"It is when you go and do something like this. She deserves better than some rushed wedding to a man she's only known for a year. I trusted you with her, but you pushed her."

Derek forced himself to remain silent as he struggled to keep his anger in control.

"There was no reason you couldn't have waited."

"We didn't want to wait."

Richard didn't appear to have heard him. "And I understand that Meredith's relationship with her mother was...lacking. But Ellis gave Meredith her talent," Richard paused for a moment, "And her name." He shook his head. "That you would push her to change her name on top of everything else..."

"That was her decision," Derek said quietly, forcing himself to stay calm. Richard had no right to be upset about any of this. It was none of his business.

Again, Richard ignored him. "I promised Ellis I would look out for her, but I failed."

Derek snapped. "I'm sorry that you don't think I'm good enough for her, but fortunately for me that's not for you to decide. That was for _her _to decide. I love her, Richard. More than anything. I didn't push her to get married when and where we did; that was _our_ decision. _We_ wanted to get married. _We_ decided. And I sure as hell didn't push her to change her name; that was _her _decision. A decision that you need to respect."

Richard opened his mouth to say something, but Derek stood and cut him off.

"After our last talk, I thought everything was okay, but apparently you are incapable of keeping your personal feelings out of your position in this hospital. What goes on between me and _my wife_ is none of your business. And if you try and interfere again I will be filing an official complaint with the board," Derek said before he turned and strode out of the office.

* * *

After spending a little over an hour trying to do some paperwork, Derek realized he wasn't making sense of what he was reading. With a sigh, he stacked the department paperwork he was trying to get through and then shoved the pile into a folder. He'd get to the paperwork tomorrow when he was in a better mood. Right now, he just wanted to spend some time with his wife.

With a glance at his watch, he stood. Meredith's shift was over soon and by Derek's best estimate she should be out of surgery.

He left his office and was half-way to the Resident's lounge, phone in hand as he prepared a text to send to his wife, when he bumped into her. Literally.

Meredith yelped as their bodies collided at the exact moment they each attempted to turn the same corner. Derek reacted on instinct, and managed to keep himself and Meredith on their feet, while his phone and the items she had been carrying clattered to the floor.

"Fancy bumping into you," Derek quipped.

"You're home," she said, with a giggle at his comment. Her hands, which had clutched to his arms to keep her balance, slid up his shoulders and around his neck.

Derek quickly closed his arms around her, pulling her in close. Her familiar, and very welcome, flowery scent wafted into his nose as he breathed her in. "I am," he murmured before brushing his lips against hers. "I missed you."

She kissed him back before responding. "I'm glad you're home," she whispered, tightening her arms around his neck and pressing her cheek to his as she hugged him.

He ducked his head to press a kiss into the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry about this morning."

"It's not your fault the weather sucks and your plane was late."

"Still; I'm sorry I missed taking you out for breakfast. Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner?"

Meredith leaned back in his arms to meet his gaze. Her lips curled upwards in a gentle smile. "A dinner date with my husband? I think I'm okay with that."

Derek cocked his head as he smiled back at his wife. She was tired; he could read that in her eyes, along with a sense of some underlying anxiety. But her smile was genuine and her body was relaxed in his arms. "What are you in the mood for? Italian?"

She smirked. "Something quick."

"Quick?"

Meredith nodded. "Quick," she agreed, "So that we can get to the welcome home sex sooner."

He chuckled. "Welcome home sex, huh? I like the sound of that." He kissed her again before releasing her and crouching to retrieve his phone and her charts. "How much longer is your shift?"

Meredith crouched as well. "Technically, half an hour, but it'll take me at least an hour to round on my patients and catch up on my charts." She shot him an apologetic glance as she stood upright.

He stood as well and passed her the small pile of charts he had picked up for her. "No problem. It's still early enough that you can finish with your patients, I can take you to dinner and we'll still have plenty of time for welcome home sex."

She giggled, drawing a triumphant smile from Derek. He loved making her laugh. It was enough to brighten his mood, which was especially important now, after his conversation with Richard.

"At least you have your priorities," she said dryly.

"You're the one who suggested it."

Meredith giggled again. "Good point."

He pecked her lips. "I'll let you get back to your patients. Text me when you're ready to go?"

She nodded her agreement. "I'll be as quick as I can."

With a smile, Derek turned to head back to his office, but was stopped when Meredith reached out and grabbed his hand. He turned back to her, not realizing that had she not stopped him, he would have bumped into Richard, who had just stopped to hover around the corner.

Still clutching to his hand with her free hand, she stepped into him and stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss him again. "I'm really glad you're home," she whispered when she pulled away.

Derek brushed a few strands of hair from her temple as he considered her expression and behaviour. She was okay, but she was struggling with something. She wasn't normally clingy at all, and she almost never allowed herself to be vulnerable or emotional at work. "I'm really glad I'm home too," he responded.

"I love you," she told him.

Not knowing aetiology of her behaviour, but recognizing her need for support, he wrapped his arms around her again and pressed his lips to the side of her head. "I love you, too, Mer."

She inhaled deeply, her ribcage expanding in his arms, and then released a shuddery breath.

He tightened his grip on her. "Are you okay?" He asked softly. Maybe he had read her wrong from the beginning and there was more than a little wrong.

"I'm fine."

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes.

She released a breathy chuckle. "I'm fine," she repeated. "Nothing's wrong. Well, nothing new is wrong. I'm just..." She sighed, looking up at his eyes. "I'm just really glad you're home."

"Mer..."

She shook her head. "I'm fine," she said again. "I have to finish with my patients and my charts. And then we'll have dinner. And then you can take me home and I can be not fine. But right now, I'm fine."

He nodded in understanding. She didn't want to get into anything at work.

"Okay," he agreed, "But how about we go out to dinner later this week? Tonight we can pick up takeout and go right home."

"You'd be okay with that?" She asked hopefully.

"You mean would I be okay with changing the plans we made three minutes ago? Absolutely."

He was rewarded with a genuine laugh. She then leaned in close to him and dropped her voice to a whisper. "Are you being the supportive husband or are you just trying to get to the welcome home sex faster?"

"The second one," he deadpanned, drawing another laugh from his wife.

She swatted at his chest with her free hand.

He shrugged. "Okay, and a little bit of the first one. Kinda like ninety-ten."

"Why do I put up with you?"

"Because you love me," he quipped.

She made a face. "Right; I knew it was something..."

"Hey, be nice," he warned, "Or I won't give you your present."

"You got me a present?"

He nodded. "I got you a '_My husband went to Atlanta and all he got me was this lousy T-shirt'_ shirt."

She laughed again, and he silently prided himself in his ability to make the vulnerable look in her eyes disappear in just a few short minutes.

Leaning close, he pressed his lips to her cheek. "Go be an awesome doctor. I'll meet you in your lounge when you're ready to go."

She nodded and then paused to stare at him, her lower lip trapped under her upper incisors. "Thanks," she whispered after a long moment.

He smiled warmly at her, knowing she was referring to him letting her be 'fine' now and for knowing her enough to make her laugh. "You're worth it."

Her eyes flickered, but remained trained on his. "I'm really glad you're home," she said again.

"I'm really glad I have you to come home to."

Meredith snorted and quickly covered her mouth with her hand. "Sorry. I'm...sorry. It's just..." She giggled. "Derek, that was...really corny."

"That's what I was going for." The truth was he'd say anything to make her laugh. He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Text me when you're ready to go."

She nodded and turned to head towards the surgical wing.

Derek smiled after her, more grateful than ever that she was who she was. In just a few minutes together, she had made all of the stress and negativity he had been feeling since his talk with Richard disappear.

With a sigh, he turned to head back to his office, and had he not been distracted by thoughts of his wife, he may have noticed the flash of movement as the Chief ducked into a doorway.

* * *

After spending another hour on paperwork, Derek breathed a sigh of relief when his phone vibrated along the surface of his desk. He grabbed it and held it up to confirm the text was Meredith letting him know she was finished with her patients.

With a smile, he stacked his paperwork for the second time that afternoon, and then hurried to the residents' lounge.

She was pulling a change of clothes out of her cubby when he pushed open the door. "Hey."

She shot him a warm smile. "Hey, yourself."

He sidled up to her, his hands finding her hips, and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I haven't seen you in a whole hour..."

Meredith giggled. "Yeah, I'd almost forgotten what you looked like," she said dryly.

He chuckled as he slid his hands from her hips around her waist to the small of her back and dipped his head to press his lips along the crook of her neck, taking full advantage of the privacy of the lounge.

Meredith made a 'humming' sound and buried her free hand in his hair. Her other hand still clutched to her change of clothes. "I'm so glad you're home."

"Mmm," he agreed. "Me too. I think we should make another modification to tonight's plan."

"Like what?"

He lifted his head from the crook of her neck to meet her eyes. "Welcome home sex _and then_ dinner."

Meredith laughed. "How about welcome home sex and then dinner and then more welcome home sex?"

He pecked her on the lips. "Perfect."

She laughed again. "Just let me get changed and then you can take me home and we can get to our evening."

Derek reluctantly released his wife, but found it difficult to keep his hands off of her as she pulled off her scrubs inches away from him, exposing smooth skin he was so familiar with.

"You're making this extra difficult," she pointed out as she struggled to pull on her jeans with his hands running along her sides.

"Sorry, but I can't help myself."

She gave him a playful shove before pulling her top on.

"I liked the look without the shirt on better," he commented, reaching mischievously for the hem of her shirt. "I think you should take it off."

With a roll of her eyes, Meredith balled up her scrubs and tossed them at his face.

He caught them before they fell to the floor and mock glared at her as he stepped around the bench to toss the scrubs into the laundry bin in the corner. Meredith was slipping on her shoes when he returned to her side.

"Ready to go?"

"You're awfully eager to get me home, Dr. Shepherd," she commented.

He pressed himself into her side and looped his arms around her loosely. "I am. I haven't seen you in five whole days." He brushed his lips against her cheek and then rested his chin on her shoulder.

Meredith closed her hands around the arm he had wrapped across her abdomen. "That was a really long five day," she whispered.

He tightened his hold on her as he lifted his chin from her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek again. "I'm home now."

She turned her head and offered him a tender smile. "I'm glad."

He kissed her on the lips this time, silently telling her he was there for her. She would open up to him when he got her home, and he planned on making her forget all that was worrying her. She was the strongest person he knew, but with everything that had been thrown at her the past few months, she couldn't handle it all by herself. He just had to make sure and remind her that she had him to help, even if all he could do was listen and promise her everything would be okay eventually.

"Come on," he whispered, releasing her, "Let's get out of here. And on the way home I can tell you about my conversation with Richard."

"You did that already?"

He nodded.

"And?"

"He definitely thinks I pushed you into getting married so soon. And changing your name." He sighed. "He said it was his job to protect you, but I don't think that's the whole story. I think he feels left out."

Meredith released an angry breath. "I'm not any of his business. He doesn't get to feel left out."

Derek bit back a smirk at her exasperation. "I'm not disputing that. I'm just telling you what impression I got. I think he's been moody about it from the beginning, but you changing your name sent him over the edge."

Meredith set her jaw and shook her head unhappily.

He offered her a smile and a shrug. "He'll get over it, Mer. And I told him if he continued to act this way I'd file a complaint."

She huffed.

This time he did smirk. Angry and annoyed Meredith was always entertaining – provided it wasn't directed at him. "Come on," he prompted, holding out his hand. "Let me take you home and I'll walk you through the whole conversation in the car."

The corner of her mouth twitched before she relented. "Okay." She took his hand and reached for her purse, which was sitting on the open shelf of her cubby, but as she dragged her purse off the shelf, a large Ziploc bag fell to the ground.

"What is that?" He asked, trying to get a better look at it.

"Nothing," she said quickly, pulling her hand from his and bending to pick up the bag. She shoved it into the back of her cubby without letting him see it.

"Meredith..."

"It's nothing." She turned back to him, her eyes avoiding his, and he knew without a doubt that it wasn't nothing. Her body language had changed dramatically in the past thirty seconds. Her eyes ticked around nervously, her stance was tense and her lips were set in a grim line.

Derek sighed heavily. "After everything we've been through, you're really going to hide something from me? I deserve more than that."

She shook her head. "Derek, please..."

He sat on the bench and ran his fingers through his hair.

She set her purse down the bench beside him, but remained standing, her arms crossed protectively across her chest. "I just don't want to deal with it tonight. I don't want to deal with _it_ period, but apparently I have to, but I don't freaking know how and I didn't want to say anything to you until I figure out how."

She was meeting his eyes now, and he was able to see how much she was struggling. Derek found himself struggling suddenly, not knowing what to say.

Meredith reacted to his silence. "I don't have to tell you everything. There's no law that says just because we're married you get to know everything single thing that happens in my life. I'm allowed to have secrets that have nothing to do with you."

Derek closed his eyes, wondering how they had gotten from happy and carefree with a plan to go home and make up for the time they'd spent apart to their first married fight. All he had wanted to do was take her home and show her just how much he loved her; just how much he had missed her.

"I'm not saying you have to tell me everything."

"Then drop it." Her eyes were filling with tears now, and he could see her exhaustion in her stance.

"I'll drop it if that's what you really want," he said quietly, knowing that no matter what their evening was effectively ruined. If they both dropped it, they'd still never be able to get back to the mood they'd been in before.

She huffed. "Don't give me the freaking guilt trip, Derek."

"Well, then I don't know what you want me to say!" He hissed.

"I don't want you to say anything. I don't want anyone to say anything! I just want this to be over. I can't sleep, Derek. I can't freaking sleep. And I don't want to talk about it. All I wanted was to spend tonight with my husband. And now it's ruined. And I can't..." She trailed off as she struggled to rein in her emotions. "I can't get any of this right. I can't seem to do anything right for anyone. And I'm tired of being freaking ordinary."

The term had his attention and within a heartbeat he was on his feet and had pulled her into his arms. She clutched to the fabric along his chest with both hands and buried her face between them as he held her tight. "I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair.

She shuddered in his arms. "I'm just so tired."

"I know." He rubbed her back. "I know."

"I'm sorry, Derek. I just..."

"Shhh," he insisted. "Just breathe."

She did. Her inhales and exhales gradually evened out and eventually she released her grip on his shirt and slid her hands around his middle.

He continued to rub her back as she relaxed in his arms. "I love you," he whispered, pressing a kiss onto the top of her head.

"I love you, too."

"I don't want you to not have secrets," he told her. "But I'm your husband, Mer. So, if something upsets you _this_ much, I want to know about it because I want to _help_ you with it. I want to help." He paused, debating how far to push. "It's my job to help. I can't take the bad things away from you, but I can be beside when they happen." He pressed another kiss to the top of her head. "I just want to be here for you, Mer. That's all I want."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes. She was biting into her lower lip, a giveaway of the internal debate going on in her head. And she had that scared look in her eyes that he had seen at the airport two and a half months before when she had gotten on a plane with her friends and left him behind.

When she pulled out of his arms and turned her back to him, he sighed, frustrated, believing he had pushed her too hard.

But she surprised him when she turned back, offering him the Ziploc bag from her locker.

He took it carefully and sat on the bench to examine the bag full of... "What is this?"

She sat heavily beside him.

"Mer?" He prompted.

"It's my mother."

"Your- what?" He took a closer look, now recognizing the material in the bag as ashes.

"It's not that strange," she insisted.

He stared at her, trying to make sense of why his wife had her mother's ashes in a Ziploc bag in her cubby at work.

"You have to say something," she demanded.

He nodded slowly. "Okay. Well. On one hand, I'm grateful my mother-in-law's ashes are no longer stored in out closet..."

Meredith loosed a light chuckle.

"But on another hand, I'm a little confused."

"I couldn't have her in the closet anymore."

"So you put her in a bag and brought her to work. That's not exactly a linear conclusion."

"She liked it here. And I _can't_ have her at home. She was haunting me. I couldn't sleep. She was _haunting_ me," she repeated.

"Okay, see, now I'm wondering if I need to take you up to psych for an evaluation," he joked, trying to lighten the mood. He was rewarded with another small laugh.

"I'm not saying her freaking spirit or whatever was haunting me, but _she_ wasn't letting me sleep." She paused for a moment. "I kept having dreams about her."

"The nightmares?"

She nodded.

"How many times?"

She avoided his eyes.

"Mer?" He prompted softly.

"I gave up trying to sleep. It was easier."

"Oh, Mer." He wrapped his free arm around her. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

She leaned into him. "It's not your fault you married a crazy person."

He chuckled. "You're not crazy."

She shot him a look.

"Okay," he relented, "Maybe you're a little bit crazy. But I knew that when I married you."

She relaxed and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I tried to hide it from you. I'm just... I'm exhausted and I just wanted to go home and pretend everything was fine. I don't know how to deal with my mother, but I do know that I sleep the best when you're sleeping beside me. And I just thought that if I could get some sleep I'd be able to deal with her better."

He rested his head against hers. "We can do that, if that's what you need. We can go home and pretend everything's fine. We can get a good night's sleep and figure out how to deal with your mother tomorrow."

"You'd do that?"

"I'd do anything for you," he reassured her. "I'm sorry I pushed you. I just hate to see you struggling by yourself."

She sighed. "I just want it to be over."

"Then let's figure it out now," he suggested. "There's no guarantee we're going to get a good night's sleep before we figure it out, anyway."

She sniffed. "I wish I knew her better. Then I'd know what do to."

"Are you sure you don't want to have a ceremony?"

"I'm sure. She'd hate that. That's one thing I do know."

"You know her better than you think."

"I don't," she insisted. "She'd hate a memorial service, she loved being a surgeon and pretty much lived in the hospital. I don't know more than that right now."

"Hmm," he said thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Have you considered keeping her here?"

She lifted her head off his shoulder to meet his eyes. "That's why I put her in the bag."

He chuckled. "No, I meant have you considered having her here permanently. We could talk to the Board, maybe set up a small tribute to her. She was a pioneer for this hospital. I think they'd go for it."

She seemed to consider it for a moment, but then shook her head. "She wouldn't like it. She wouldn't want to be on display; she wouldn't want people to know she was there." She sighed. "It's too bad I can't scatter her through the hospital or something. She'd like that."

"You could scatter her off the roof?" He suggested.

She smiled. "That's what Cristina said. But she was afraid of heights."

"Okay. What was her favourite place in the hospital? We'll find a way to put her there."

Meredith shrugged. "The OR."

He made a face. "Sterile room; it's going to be difficult to find someplace to put her. How about the gallery?"

Meredith bit her lips again, thoughtful, and then she laughed as if she's had the most obvious thought. "The scrub room."

"The scrub room? You're sure?"

"Yes." She nodded and reached for the bag.

Derek let her lead the way to the surgical floor, which was quiet this time of night. ORs four and five were occupied, but one through three were deserted as they made their way down the quiet hallway to an empty scrub room.

"You're sure about this?" Derek asked as Meredith set the bag inside the sink and carefully opened the seal.

"Completely," she assured him. "This is where she would want to be."

"Okay." He rested a hand on her lower back for support.

She leaned into the contact and took a deep breath. "She wasn't a good mom," she whispered, but she was an amazing surgeon."

He nodded. "She was, but that doesn't forgive what she did to you."

"It doesn't. But I know now that she didn't do it on purpose. She didn't set out to be a bad mom. She was selfish and preoccupied, but she didn't intentionally ignore me. It just happened. And after everything that happened with Thatcher..." She trailed off as her voice cracked.

Derek stayed silent as he rubbed her back.

"She took me across the country, so some part of her must have wanted me. I don't know if she loved me, but she must have wanted me to some degree."

With a sigh, Derek stepped closer to his wife and hooked his arm around her. He rested his chin on her shoulder like he had earlier in the residents' lounge.

Meredith leaned her head against his. "I don't think she realized everything she did to me," she admitted. "I know she didn't do it on purpose. She just didn't believe in love and affection and having a personal life."

"She wanted you to be a doctor."

"Yeah."

He pressed his lips against the side of her head, right behind her ear. "You being a doctor led you back to Seattle. If you weren't a doctor in Seattle, we may not have ever met. So, that's a good thing."

She sniffed.

He kissed her on the cheek. "You don't have to know what to feel, Meredith. Just know that you did absolutely everything you could for her. And know that this is where you can let her go."

She turned in his arms and hugged him fiercely. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Meredith pressed her face into the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply. And then she pulled away, stepped towards the sink and turned on the water.

Derek followed her movements and wrapped his arm around her as she reached for a handful of ashes.

Silence reigned in the small room as the water easily emptied her hand.

She took a breath before reaching for a second handful, which disappeared with the water as quickly as the first.

She leaned into him before reaching for a third handful. "This is right for her," Meredith whispered, "I can feel it."

"Good," he whispered back.

The third handful was taken by the water. Meredith was reaching for a fourth handful when the door opened.

"What are you two doing?" Richard asked, standing in the doorway. "This is a sterile environment."

"It's my mother," Meredith explained softly before Derek could say a word.

Richard's authoritative expression softened immediately. He glanced from Meredith to Derek and then back.

"I've been trying to think of how to put her to rest, and I really think this is where she would want to be. The OR was her favourite place in the world."

"It was," Richard agreed, still regarding them carefully, but making no move to leave.

"We're saying goodbye," Meredith added, as an open invitation.

Richard stepped forward cautiously, joining them at the sink. He watched silently as Meredith reached for another handful of ashes and held them under the water.

"Can I?" He asked quietly, motioning to the half full bag.

Meredith nodded as she reached for another handful. Richard followed her lead and then they both held handfuls of ashes under the water together; the two most importance people in Ellis's life.

When Meredith reached for another handful, Richard did not. "I think you're right. This is exactly where your mother would want to be."

Meredith smiled softly and leaned into Derek. He could feel the tension leaking out of her body and couldn't help but press a kiss to her cheek.

"She was an amazing surgeon," Richard continued, "And she would be so happy to see the surgeon you're becoming."

"You think?"

"I know." He reached for a second handful of ashes and remained silent as he held them under the water. "She cared for you more than you know. The day before she died, she made me promise to watch out for you," he said, and then continued before Derek could react to his words, "I just wish she had been given a chance to know you at this point in her life. Then she would have seen how much you don't need protecting." He met Derek's eyes and a look of understanding passed between them. Richard had taken Derek's earlier words to heart.

"But she did know you were happy," he continued. "She told me she wished she could have been as happy as you said you were."

Derek felt his heart tug as Meredith's eyes filled with tears.

"Thank you," she whispered shakily.

He tightened his arm around her and pressed another kiss to her cheek. She was crying, but they were good tears. She was letting go. Her mother would no longer have such a hold on her.

The bag emptied quickly and when the last of the ashes had been washed away and the water turned off the three surgeons stood silently for several moments, lost in thought. Richard silently said goodbye to an old lover as he wondered what could have been. Derek thanked whoever was listening that his wife had gone to med school when she had and had subsequently moved to Seattle and met him, because his life had only improved for the better. The woman in his arms was the love of his life and his future, of that he had no doubt, and he added a thank you to whoever was listening that Meredith would no longer be haunted by her mother. Meredith felt freer than she had in a long time. Her mother hadn't been perfect, but she _had_ cared. And Ellis would have wanted exactly this. Meredith could finally let her go.

Surprising the men in the room, Meredith loosed a quiet, freeing chuckle and then turned towards her husband and snaked her hands around his waist. Derek smiled softly at her lack of inhibition as he hugged her back.

Richard met his gaze over Meredith's head, and nodded in acceptance towards Derek, as if officially recognizing him as Meredith's partner for the first time.

Meredith pulled back and smiled up at Derek. "Let's go home."

He nodded and threaded his fingers through hers.

"Thanks for being here," Meredith told Richard. "I know it's complicated, but she would have wanted you here."

"Thank you for letting me be here," he responded, taking in their joined hands. "And if I haven't said it, congratulations to you both."

"Thanks, Chief," Meredith said.

Derek nodded.

"It's my pleasure, Dr. Grey-Shepherd," he said honestly, nodding at Meredith and then Derek, "Dr. Shepherd."

Derek sent Richard an approving look, before they said their goodbyes and left Richard in the scrub room to ponder how his life could have been different. He and Meredith walked together back to the residents' lounge to get her things to go home. They were an hour later than before, but that one hour had made a huge amount of difference. His wife was freer than he had seen in some time. She didn't let him pull away when they stepped off of the elevator on the busy floor like she normally would, but held his hand as they walked together through the halls. The tension was gone from her shoulders and her expression. And while there was still tiredness in her eyes, it was a good type of tired; as if she suddenly had hope it would be over soon.

"So, home, food, welcome home sex?" He broke the silence with a quiet joke as they re-entered the residents' lounge.

She giggled as she extracted her purse from her cubby for the second time that evening. "I thought it was home, welcome home sex, food, more welcome home sex?"

He made a show of shrugging. "If you insist..."

She laughed out loud and reached for his hand as they began the trek to the parking lot. "I just might have to insist."

Derek smiled to himself, marvelling at the difference an hour could make. "I just might have to insist that you insist."

She bumped his shoulder as they walked together.

He bumped hers back.

It wasn't until they reached his car that they spoke again. "Thank you, Derek," she said softly as she settled into the passenger seat. "You don't know what it means to me that you were there; that you understood."

He leaned across the center consul of the car and kissed her softly. "I think I may know."

She smiled tenderly at him. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

With one more kiss, he pulled back and started the car, eager to get home.

The drive was quick, and once home, Meredith and Derek had welcome home sex, dinner, and then more welcome home sex. And late that night, naked and sated and exhausted, Derek wrapped his arms around his nearly sleeping wife and pulled her as snugly to him as possible. She was calm and peaceful as she fell into sleep in his arms, trusting him to keep the bad dreams away. With a contented sigh, Derek closed his eyes and joined her.


	105. Chapter 105

AN - April 13, 2011 - In response to the messages I've received about readers still not able to access this chapter, I pulled down the original and re-loaded a new copy. Please let me know if you've now been able to access this chapter (Something's been going on with the site this last week, but it seems to be working now). For those who were able to read/access this chapter originally, I'm sorry for the confusion; I tried replacing the chapter, but that didn't work. Nothing's been changed in the actually chapter. The next chapter is in the works - hopefully will be ready by the end of the weekend or early next week.

_**AN: Again, thanks for the patience and the well-wishes for my stepdad. He's doing amazing well, especially since we were told (after the fact) that he'd had less than one percent chance of survival. This chapter revolves around episode 4.06 (Kung Fu Fighting), which featured the sky diver, the brides competing by holding onto a dress, Hahn's first day and the Chief's 'gentleman's evening.' Because I'm following the show pretty closely here, I want to take a moment to remind everyone that I'm simply borrowing characters and plots for my own (and hopefully your) amusement. The 'gentleman's evening' makes a very small appearance, only because it was so funny in the episode to watch Derek and Mark all worried that I had to at least mention it. The sky diver makes a big appearance, because his story was important to Meredith. We're still dealing with some of the issues of 'last season,' but the big loose ends have been tied up, and there is progress in this chapter. Important progress. I'm hoping my real life will stay calm enough that I can get through this season now that the characters are able to move forward.**_

_**As always, thanks for reading!**_

* * *

Meredith glanced at the time on the OR clock as the patient she had been operating on was wheeled out of the room towards recovery. Bailey had left her to finish closing ten minutes earlier when she had been paged for an emergency, and even though all Meredith had done by herself was to finish stitching up the incision on the very stable patient's abdomen, the fact that Bailey had trusted her enough to leave her alone in the OR without sending someone else in to observe filled Meredith with confidence. Just three months into her second year of residency and she was trustworthy enough to be left alone with a patient in the OR.

She thanked the scrub nurses as they started to clean up and sterilize the OR for the next patient, and then headed quickly for the scrub room. She hadn't been scheduled to be in surgery, but when Bailey had asked her if she was free as she rushed by with the accident victim on her way to the OR, Meredith hadn't been able to say no. It had been several weeks since she had upset her former resident by being distracted in her OR after losing a patient in the ER, and in that time she was pretty sure she had made up all the ground she had lost. Finally being able to put her mother to rest had taken a remarkable amount of weight off of her shoulders. Add the fact that that Chief was no longer disapproving of every aspect of her life, and Meredith was freer than she could remember being a very long time.

She just hoped the trend of good things happening instead of bad would continue.

The scrub room was empty as she pushed through the door and quickly set to work scrubbing out. When she was finished she barely paused to dry her hands before rushing out of the room and down the hall. Not wanting to wait for the elevator, she took the stairs to the floor that held Derek's office. The hallway was deserted as she exited the stairwell, so she broke into a light jog. Derek had told her he'd be in his office all afternoon, barring any emergencies.

She was slightly winded when she reached his door, but didn't pause for a breath as she tried the handle. It was unlocked.

Derek looked up from his paperwork as she pushed open the door. He offered her a warm smile. "How was your surgery?"

She waved her hand and didn't offer an answer. "Did she call?"

He pursed his lips for a moment, clearly noticing how anxious she was and debating how far he could push her. "Did who call?" He eventually asked, playing dumb.

Meredith expelled an annoyed breath as she pressed the door shut behind her and strode up to his desk, hands on her hips. "The freaking realtor!"

"Oh, _her_..." Derek drawled. "Yes, she called."

"Derek!" She hissed when he didn't offer her any more information.

"Yes?" He asked, feigning innocence as he pretended to be focussed on his paperwork.

"What did she say?" She demanded.

"Well, she said lots of things."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" She ranted, stepping around his desk and wedging herself between him and his paperwork. "Tell me what happened."

His hands found her hips as she stood in front of him while he sat. He pursed his lips again, thoughtful, but the expression quickly morphed into a full-fledged smile. "They accepted our offer."

"They did? We got it?"

"We got it," he confirmed.

She felt a rush of relief and excitement wash over her. After nearly three months of house hunting they finally had success. They'd found a two bedroom condo in a building by the harbour with a terrace that overlooked the ferryboats. It was perfect for them. Lots of light. Jacuzzi tub. Loft bedroom. Great view. Close to the hospital.

"We got it," she echoed with a happy laugh. "We have a place to live."

He pulled her to him and she eagerly joined him on the chair, straddling his lap. She was smiling when she pressed her lips to his. He didn't waste any time in kissing her back and slipping his hands under her top to rest at the small of her back.

"I'm sorry I was stuck in surgery," she whispered between kisses.

"Mmm, you're here now," he mumbled. "We should celebrate."

"Excellent idea."

He chuckled as he began kissing his way across her jaw and along her neck. "How long until you need to be back on the floor?"

"I need to check on my post op is less than an hour. You?"

"I'll round before we go home, but I'm pretty much done for the day."

"Good."

"Good?" He pulled his lips from her neck and met her eyes.

"Mmm-hmm. We can celebrate now and later."

"I like how you think."

She smiled at him and cupped his face with her hands. "We have somewhere to live," she whispered. "This is really happening?"

"It's really happening," he confirmed.

"I feel so...grown up. We're married and we have a future, and now we have a place to live."

He pecked her lips. "It's a good feeling."

She leaned her forehead against his and breathed. "It really is."

* * *

Only forty minutes after her shift was scheduled to end, Meredith had rounded on all of her patients and had changed to leave. She was on her way to the main lobby to meet her husband when she bumped into Bailey.

"Grey, how's our patient?" Bailey called as Meredith stepped off the lobby elevator.

Meredith nodded as she stopped to talk to Bailey. She could see Derek sitting by the front doors. As if he could sense her, he looked up, meeting her eyes. "Stable. I checked on him twice in recovery and I have an intern monitoring him."

"Good. You did good work today. You've made progress in learning to distance yourself."

"I have," she agreed. "Things have been better."

Bailey nodded knowingly. "I can see that," she said, motioning towards the front doors where Derek was now standing patiently, waiting for his wife.

Meredith couldn't help but smile at the normalcy of the situation.

"Goodnight, Grey."

"Goodnight, Dr. Bailey," Meredith echoed as she continued towards her husband.

"You ready to go?" Derek asked, greeting her with a soft smile.

She threaded her fingers through his. "Yes. Will we be able to sign the papers tonight?"

He squeezed her hand. "The realtor is expecting us."

She bumped his shoulder as they exited the hospital together and headed for his car. "I haven't been able to stop smiling all afternoon. My patients probably think I'm crazy."

"It's okay to be happy."

She giggled. "Happy is okay. This is beyond happy and it involves a lot of creepy smiling."

He laughed. "Creepy smiling, huh?"

"Shut up."

They reached the car, but Derek stopped her before she could get in by snaking his hands around her waist. "I'm over-the-top happy too, Mer."

"It's a nice feeling," she admitted, "Even if my patients think I'm crazy."

He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I'm glad you're happy, Mer."

She cocked her head as she leaned back in his arms and met his eyes. "I'm glad you're happy, too."

"Me too," he whispered. "It's nice to be happy."

Meredith felt a thrill run through her body at the knowledge that she made him as happy as he made her. He'd been there for her through everything that had happened over the past several months. She was a different person than who she had been a year before, but so was he. She had changed and grown and evolved, and so had he. As many walls as he had broken through, she had broken through as well.

This was an exciting step for both of them.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "What are you thinking about?"

She shrugged. "Just that we've come a long way."

"That we have."

Meredith leaned close, rested her forehead against Derek's chin and pressed her nose into the crook of his neck. "I just feel...lighter."

"Lighter?"

"Mmm-hmm," she murmured. "So many horrible things happened. Over and over and over. And things are _finally_ calming down. I don't feel like I'm struggling to keep up anymore."

His hands found the curve of her spine and he rubbed small, comforting circles. "Yeah, I get that." He sighed in content. "But not everything that happened recently was bad," he reminded.

She pressed a kiss against the side of her neck before lifting her head. "You're right," she agreed.

He chuckled. "I don't think I've ever heard you say that..."

She laughed.

He kissed her. "Come on, let's go and officially buy our new home."

She kissed him back. "I can't wait until we can move in."

"Me neither." He pecked her lips one more time and then released her as they both headed to get into the car.

* * *

Meredith was still in such a good mood the next morning that she was only moderately annoyed when her pager woke her at four in the morning. With a groan, she buried her face in her pillow and willed the beeping to be coming from Derek's pager, even though a part of her just _knew_ it was hers.

"It's yours," Derek mumbled behind her. He pressed his face into the back of her neck as his arm tightened around her waist and his knees pressed into the backs of her legs. Even in her barely awake state, she couldn't help but notice how perfectly they fit together.

"It's yours," she countered.

He sighed, his breath hot against the back of her neck. "Yours," he repeated.

"Yours."

The pager sounded again.

Derek groaned and reached across Meredith for the beeping pager on the nightstand. "It's yours," he said with a chuckle, pressing the pager into the pillow by her face.

"Why?" She moaned.

"Because the hospital owns you," he reminded.

With a huff, she reached for her call phone and then dialled the number scrolling across her pager. "It's Dr. Grey-Shepherd," she spoke quietly, "I was paged to this number." She then listened to the nurse on the other end relay information from Dr. Bailey.

Meredith sighed. "Okay. Tell Dr. Bailey I'm on my way." She hung up the phone and then rolled out of bed and Derek's warm arms. "Bailey wants me to come in early. Our patient from yesterday is unstable."

Derek rolled onto his back and covered his face with an arm.

She glared at him in the darkness. "I hate you for getting to sleep right now."

He chuckled. "And if it had been my pager, you'd be gloating."

"Damn right." She donned her robe and headed across the hall for a quick shower, hoping it would wake her up. In the past weeks since Derek had returned from his consult in Atlanta she had been sleeping much better. There hadn't been a single nightmare. But she still didn't want to lose any more sleep than she was already deprived of just because she was a surgical resident.

After a very quick shower, she returned to the bedroom she and Derek would only occupy for a short time now, expecting to find Derek fast asleep. Instead, he was absent. With a shrug, she donned a pair of jeans and a top, pulled her damp hair back into a low ponytail, and then headed downstairs. Derek met her in the front hall and pressed a travel mug into her hands.

"Thought you could use a pick me up."

She smiled softly at him. "You're being awful charming this morning; making me coffee when you could be sleeping."

He leaned into her and pressed his lips against her cheek. "I thought it was the least I could do, seeing as I'm responsible for keeping you up last night." He paused and shrugged. "Well, half responsible."

She giggled and kissed him. "Thank you for the coffee."

"You are very welcome. Drive safe."

"Always." She kissed him again. "I'll see you in a few hours."

* * *

It was early afternoon before Meredith saw her husband again. He and Mark were chattering quietly together at the nurses' station. She couldn't help but smile and shake her head at the sight. Despite Derek's initial intentions regarding the plastic surgeon, Mark had wormed his way back into the friendship category. The two had been out for drinks more times than she could count now, and she often found them joking together at work.

"Hey," she greeted as she dropped her small pile of charts onto the counter next to Derek.

"Hey," he echoed, bumping her shoulder in greeting. "How's your morning been?"

She groaned. "Exhausting."

He made a face. "Well, at least you're only working a twenty-four and not a thirty-six..."

She glared at him. "Not helping."

"Yeah, Shep's not very helpful," Mark chimed in.

Derek scoffed. "I'm very helpful."

And just like that, they were bantering. Meredith furrowed her brow, trying to surmise exactly how that had started. They were worse than she and Cristina. It was actually quite fascinating to see them interact now that Derek seemed to have let go of the grudge he had been holding. Derek had told her once that Mark had been like his brother, but she hadn't quite understood how literal that was until recently. They acted like brothers. They had a history; had grown up together.

After Derek had informed her of Mark's actions in ending his marriage to Addison, Meredith had discounted Mark as a good friend to Derek, and she had spent the better part of a year believing Mark had simply been a bad friendship choice on Derek's part. She hadn't seen the plastic surgeon as much more than an arrogant womanizer who took advantage of other people when he could. More recently, though, Meredith's views had shifted. Knowing how much Derek struggled with letting people know the real him, and subsequently observing just how much Mark Sloan knew about her husband, told her Mark had been a very good friend. Family. Derek wouldn't have wasted his time if Mark had been what Meredith had originally thought. When Derek had told her Mark had sat with him on the day of her accident, she had been grateful for the plastic surgeon. And she had witnessed more and more over the past months to form a different picture in her head. Mark was a lot of things, not all good, but he was a good friend who had made a horrible mistake and had paid dearly for it. He had been a surrogate member of the Shepherd family, but he wasn't anymore.

"Anyway..." Derek drawled, pulling Meredith from her thoughts as he removed himself from his and Mark's friendly argument. He turned to Meredith. "Do you think you'll have time to grab some dinner tonight?"

Meredith made a face. "Probably not. I'm supposed to report to the pit in..." She trailed off as she glanced at her watch, "Ten minutes. I'm not likely to have any free time."

Mark chuckled. "Looks like you're stuck coming with me, Shep," he said, taunting Derek.

Meredith felt her brow furrow. "Stuck going where?"

Derek sighed. "The Chief invited us out tonight."

"The Chief?"

He nodded.

"To where?"

"To a gentleman's evening," Mark answered, making a face at the term.

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "You're letting the Chief take you to a strip club?"

"Told you," Mark said to Derek before Derek could say anything.

Derek shook his head before addressing Meredith and Mark. "It won't be a strip club. It's the Chief. It can't be..." He trailed off.

"Okay, I have like eight minutes now, so start from the beginning and be quick," Meredith demanded.

Derek chuckled. "The Chief invited us to what he's calling a gentleman's evening, but he's refusing to explain what that means."

"We asked Dr. Bailey, and she agrees it sounds dirty," Mark added. "But we don't think he's the fetish type, so we're not really sure what to expect..."

Meredith bit back a smirk at the concerned expression on both Derek and Mark's face. "Yeah, have fun with that..."

Derek rolled his eyes in good nature. "If you weren't working tonight, you could have been my excuse to get out of it."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the sound of her pager. She groaned as she pulled it off her waistband and read the script on the small screen. "Incoming trauma. And I'm supposed to have six minutes." She shot Derek an apologetic glance. "If I don't see you again, have fun with you...evening."

He pecked her on the cheek. "I'll page you before I leave to see if you're free."

She quickly said goodbye and then hurried towards the ER. Once she arrived, she checked in with the ER nurse on duty and then donned a trauma gown and headed into the ambulance bay to wait. Cristina joined her very quickly.

"How's your day going?" Meredith asked gently, knowing Erika Hahn had officially started today as the new Head of Cardiothoracic Surgery.

Cristina scoffed. "She picked _Izzie_ to be on her service today. Izzy."

"Oh," Meredith responded, uncertain of what to say. She knew there was little she could offer her friend to make her feel better. "I'm sure you'll get your chance to wow her."

"I already got that chance," Cristina said flatly. "And I was freaking awesome. But she's accusing me of using Burke to get ahead."

"She'll change her mind," Meredith insisted, hoping her words would come true.

"That's my plan. I just have to ride this trauma train right back to cardio."

Meredith bumped her shoulder as the sounds of sirens could be heard in the distance. "Well, my fingers are crossed for an acute MI or a ruptured aorta or a crush injury to the chest or whatever."

Cristina cracked a smile and bumped Meredith's shoulder back. "Thanks. You're a good friend."

"Okay, what have we got?" Callie asked as she joined Meredith and Cristina in the ambulance bay, Alex on her heels, as the first ambulance appeared down the drive way.

"Two ambulances, multiple traumas," Meredith answered.

"Any chance you need some help, Dr. Torres?" Alex asked.

Callie shrugged. "As long as you want to smash bone...into dust...while people cry," she said dryly as she moved to meet the ambulance.

"Sweet," Alex responded, joining her as the ambulance doors opened.

Meredith couldn't help but laugh at the exchange. She had interacted very little with Callie since she and George had announced their divorce, probably because Meredith had been George's friend first. They were handling things professionally, but there was obviously still some tension between Callie and George.

"What have we got?" Callie asked as the doors opened and the first paramedic stepped out.

Unfortunately for Cristina, the ambulance did not hold a cardiac patient requiring immediate care, but two young brides who had sustained relatively minor injuries holding onto a wedding dress while competing for a wedding dream package. Callie and Alex took the two patients into the ER, leaving Meredith and Cristina to greet the second ambulance, which was just rolling to a stop.

"Please let this be something good," Cristina prayed as the ambulance came to a stop, "Something cardio good." She and Meredith pulled the doors open.

"Thirty-three year old male discovered unconscious but stable after surviving a twelve thousand foot free fall," the paramedic presented as he stepped out of the ambulance.

Meredith blinked, sure she had heard wrong, "A what?"

The paramedic met her gaze, and the expression on his face told her she hadn't heard wrong. "His parachute didn't open."

"What, he fell twelve thousand feet without a parachute?" Cristina demanded.

The paramedic nodded as he began wheeling the groaning patient into the ER.

Meredith exchanged a look with Cristina as they followed. Once in the trauma room, Cristina immediately began to assess the patient's heart and respiratory rates, clearly expecting a problem. Meredith began attaching leads and monitors, amazed that the patient seemed stable. She turned to one of the nurses.

"Okay, let's page general, neuro and cardio. Who knows what we'll be up against, so it's best to have everyone here."

The nurse nodded and left the room.

Meredith finished hooking up the blood pressure cuff. "Okay, BP is cycling. How're his vitals?"

Cristina shot her a confused look, her stethoscope still in her ears as she pressed the microphone to the patient's chest. "Heart and respiratory rates are only slightly elevated. No obvious signs of trauma."

The monitor beeped and Meredith turned to see the blood pressure result. The almost normal blood pressure result. Like the heart and respiratory rates, it was only slightly elevated. All could be accounted for by the stress of being a patient in the emergency room.

"It's going to be okay," she told the patient, who stared at her through terrified eyes as his ragged breathing fogged the oxygen mask with every exhale. "You're in good hands, so just relax and let us take care of you, okay?"

The patient closed his eyes and his breathing slowed.

Meredith exchanged another look with Cristina. _How is this guy alive?_

Cristina shrugged. _I have no idea._

With a shrug, Meredith pulled a pair of scissors out of the trauma cart drawer and began cutting the patient's shirt off, sure they'd need access when he crashed. Because there was no way someone fell twelve thousand feet and didn't crash. The fact that he was alive and conscious now was a miracle in itself. His insides were probably decimated.

She and Cristina pulled his clothing off, expecting to reveal deep bruising that represented internal bleeding, but found very little bruising at all.

The patient struggled against the process, his hands reaching to cover himself and to pull off the oxygen mask.

Meredith grasped his hand in hers. "Sir, you need to let us do our job. I know this is uncomfortable, but we have to assess your condition."

He muttered something under the oxygen mask. Meredith pulled the mask off of his face to let him speak.

"It's Rick," the patient mumbled. "Rick Jacobs."

"Rick," Meredith echoed. "I'm Dr. Grey-Shepherd. This is Dr. Yang. We're going to help you, okay?"

He tried to nod, but was prevented by the backboard stabilizing his neck and spine. "Can't move."

"You're on a backboard," she explained. "We have to keep your spine still until we can confirm there's no damage."

"Okay."

She tried to replace the oxygen mask, but he pushed her hand away.

"Please. No. I can't breathe with that thing on."

Meredith glanced at the monitor before acquiescing and removing the mask for good. His oxygen saturation was at one hundred percent. "Okay, but in exchange I need you to stay calm for me, okay?"

"Okay."

The nurse came back in. "Dr. Shepherd is on his way. Dr. Webber is in surgery, but Dr. Bailey will get here as soon as she can. Dr. Hahn is with a patient. She said to page her with any cardio-thoracic concerns."

"Thank you," Meredith called before turning back to assessing the patient. Rick, true to his word, remained still as he allowed them to check him for injuries. Once they were finished, Meredith draped him with a trauma blanket and reached for the chart.

"So, Rick," she said lightly, keeping the patient as calm as possible, "You said your last name was Jacobs?"

"Yes."

"Do you know where you are?"

"A hospital. I'm not sure what one. The paramedics brought me here."

"Do you know what city we're in?"

"Seattle."

"Good. And we're in Seattle Grace Hospital."

"Be grateful they brought you here," Cristina spoke up, "We're the best."

Meredith cracked a smile, and was grateful to see the patient do the same thing. "Are you from Seattle?"

"Born and raised."

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked as Cristina stepped out of the room.

"I fell. My chute didn't open. I tried the spare...but it didn't open either..." He trailed off for a moment. "Man, I cannot believe that happened to me..."

"You'll have quite the story to tell all your friends." She reached for her closest hand and pressed against a finger nail. The colour under the nail turned white, and then immediately back to pink once she released the pressure. She then moved her hands along his fingers and then his hand. "Can you feel this?"

"Yes."

"Any numbness or tingling?"

"No."

"Can you move your fingers?"

He showed her that he could.

"Good. And grip my hand."

He did.

"Good. That's good." She repeated the process on his other hand and both feet.

Cristina returned with lead jackets and they worked together to manoeuvre the portable x-ray over the patient.

"Okay, Rick, we're going to take an x-ray of your spine so we can look at getting you off that backboard, okay?"

"Okay."

"Great. Just lie perfectly still. Take a breath in...and hold it."

Rick did exactly as instructed, and the films were taken without issue.

"The images should be up soon," Cristina said as she pushed the x-ray into the corner and pulled off her lead jacket.

Meredith was pulling of her own lead jacket when the trauma room door opened.

"What have we got?" Derek asked as he stepped into the room.

"Rick Jacobs, thirty-three, fell twelve thousand feet when his parachute didn't open," Meredith presented as she passed Derek the chart.

Derek's eyes snapped from the patient to her at her words. She nodded, confirming he hadn't been hearing things.

"GCS of fifteen. Normal breath sounds. Heart rate and BP only slightly elevated. He's been conscious since he arrived. Capillary refill is good on all four limbs. No numbness or tingling on his hands or feet. He's been able to move his arms and legs without problems. We just did an x-ray. Scans should be up momentarily."

Derek nodded and turned to the patient. "Rick, nice the meet you. I'm Dr. Shepherd."

"Shepherd?" Rick questioned, his eyes glancing from Derek to Meredith. "You were Shepherd too?"

Meredith bit back a smirk. The man had survived a twelve thousand foot free fall, but was conscious and aware enough to notice a name. "Grey-Shepherd," she confirmed.

"Married?"

Derek smiled. "Yes, we are."

"Scans are up," Cristina called, interrupting any further conversation.

Derek joined Cristina at the computer screen and they studied the digital x-rays together for several moments. He then turned back to the patient. "You're not feeling any numbness or tingling anywhere?"

"No."

"Any pain?"

"Just...sore."

"Nothing severe?"

"No."

Derek turned to Meredith. "You said the capillary refill was normal?"

"Yup."

Derek nodded. "Okay, let's get him off the backboard."

They worked together to get the patient off of the backboard and onto the trauma gurney mattress.

"Thank you," Rick said as Meredith carefully stuffed a pillow under his head.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay...I think. Grateful to be alive. Embarrassed to be here."

"Just focus on the gratefulness and ignore the embarrassment, okay? After what you went through, there's no room for embarrassment."

"Okay."

"Okay," Meredith echoed, before exchanging a glance with Derek. His expression told him he was just as confused by the patient's stable status as she and Cristina. She could remember a patient, from early in her internship that she and Derek had worked on. He had fallen from an upper level apartment window. His organs had been crushed. His arteries had been ripped open. Both lungs had collapsed and filled with blood. And he'd had more fractures than they had been able to count. He'd come in unstable and unconscious.

He hadn't made it out of the ER.

"It looks like you're a very lucky man, Mr. Jacobs," Derek offered as he began probing the minor cuts along the patient's face and neck, checking for any possible deeper injury. His experienced fingers probed along Rick's skull, checking for vulnerable areas. Then he stepped back and motioned to Meredith. "These can be taken care of." Even minor wounds could mask pressure injuries to the head. In a trauma situation, they weren't touched until cleared, as even slight pressure could cause problems.

Meredith nodded and turned for some antiseptic.

Derek checked the patient's pupils before moving away to check for other injuries, having cleared Rick's neural status.

Meredith quickly cleaned the cuts, but left them uncovered due to their very minor appearance. She then joined Derek in checking the patient's legs as Cristina moved back to listen to the patient's lungs, still hoping for a cardiac concern.

"I'm here, sorry it took me so long," Bailey called as she stepped into the room, "What's his name?"

"It's Rick, Rick Jacobs," the patient answered before anyone else could.

Bailey took the chart from Meredith. "He's talking?"

Cristina scoffed. "You'd think after twelve thousand feet, he'd at least have a punctured lung," she muttered.

Bailey glared at her former intern, but before she could say anything, a hysterical voice in the hallway, calling Rick's name, broke the moment.

"Rick? Rick! Where are you?" The door swung open and a harried woman rushed into the room. "Oh my God, there you are. How are you?" She asked, and then addressed the doctors before Rick could answer. "How is he? Is he okay? Is he dying?" She pushed her way against gurney.

"I'm not dying, Sal," Rick answered.

"Okay, Mam, you need to calm down," Bailey said, reaching a hand towards the shaking woman's forearm.

"Is this your wife?" Meredith asked.

"She's my skydiving instructor," Rick responded.

"Mam," Bailey tried again, only to be cut off.

"I watched the whole thing. I was just in the clouds. Floating. Watching." Her body trembled as she turned back to Rick. "I watched you fall to your death. Your chute didn't open!"

"Okay, we're trying to do our jobs, and you're getting in the way of that by hovering over the patient," Bailey said.

The woman ignored her.

"What's your name?" Meredith asked.

"Sally."

"Okay, Sally, I know you're really scared right now, but being scared isn't going to help Rick. He's in really good hands."

"I just...I thought I was watching him fall to his death."

"I know. And that must have been horrible. But he's stable, so why don't you sit down," she said, while nudging Sally towards the chair in the corner of the room, "And breathe. And let us make sure he's going to be okay. Okay?"

Sally sat and nodded. "Okay. Just...don't let him die."

"I'm not dying, Sal," Rick repeated.

"Good. Because I'd never forgive myself if you died."

Meredith smiled at the obvious connection between the patient and his very worried skydiving instructor as she helped Derek and Bailey finish the exam.

"Okay, let's get him down for a CT," Derek spoke after several minutes. "He's stable. This will be our best time."

The patient's list of possible injuries bumped him to the top of the list, so there was no delay in getting him into a CT machine for a full body scan.

Derek, Meredith and Bailey tucked themselves into the small viewing room, along with the Chief, who had heard about the patient through hospital gossip when he got out of surgery. Cristina had excused herself when they had begun to move the patient, presumably to make another attempt to get herself back onto a cardiac patient.

"If his intestines look like I think they will, that'll take first priority," Webber spoke up as they waited for the images.

Meredith couldn't help but crack a smile at his eagerness. This was what surgeons lived for. The unknown. The challenge. The ability to find a problem, fix it and save a life.

"There could be delayed paralysis," Derek spoke up, exchanging a look with his wife. Meredith rolled her eyes, knowing he didn't expect any spinal issues, but was taunting the Chief with the possibility. Over the past weeks since Richard had joined the two of them in the scrub room to say goodbye to Ellis, he had changed remarkably. He no longer appeared to have anything but approval for Meredith and Derek's relationship, and he and Derek had made up seamlessly.

"This is not a contest, gentleman," Bailey cut in, "But since a perfed bowel could kill the guy, whether or not his spine's in working order, my money's on the Chief going first."

Meredith bit back a laugh at both Derek's expression and the Chief's even more eager expression as he patted Bailey on the shoulder.

"I'm back," Cristina announced as she hurried into the observation room. "What did I miss? Any cardiothoracic concerns? I'd be happy to page Dr. Hahn."

"We're still waiting on images," Meredith explained.

"He's gotta have something good," Cristina whispered so only Meredith could hear.

"Where were you?" Meredith whispered back.

Cristina scoffed. "Stupid Izzie wouldn't trade."

"You tried to trade patient's with Izzy?"

"She's not hardcore enough for cardio. This isn't fair."

"Scans are coming up," Webber interrupted, pointing to the computer screens. All eyes snapped to the images, expecting blood, fluid, inflammation. Damage.

Instead...

"There, right there," Richard said with excitement, pointing to a small spot on inflammation on the screen.

Meredith felt her brown furrow. "It's the appendix."

Silence.

"Wait, we're saying this guy fell twelve _thousand_ feet and all he needs is an appendectomy?" Bailey exclaimed.

No one offered a response because no one had any idea how this had happened.

* * *

"I cannot believe how lucky this guy is," Meredith told Derek as they stood together in the hallway. The patient had been moved to a pre-op room in preparation for a simple appendectomy. Sally, his skydiving instructor, had calmed down at the results of the scan, and was currently sitting at his bedside.

Meredith and Derek had opted to give them some privacy.

"I mean he should be dead. He shouldn't have survived the fall. And even then he should have broken every bone in his body."

Derek nodded. "I know."

"How does this happen?"

Derek shrugged. "I don't know."

She narrowed his eyes at him. "You're an attending. Aren't you supposed to have all the answers?"

He chuckled. "Sometimes miracles happen. You're right, he shouldn't have lived, but he did. It happens. It's rare, but it happens."

"Yeah..." She turned to stare through the glass walls at the patient.

Derek reached out to run his fingers along her forearm.

She turned her eyes back to him. "Miracles do happen," she whispered, her thoughts on her own near death experience nearly five months earlier. She was living, breathing proof that miracles existed.

He squeezed her forearm before releasing her, his way of telling her he was thinking of the same thing. "He's very lucky."

She nodded, knowing she had been just as lucky. She too shouldn't have survived. But she had. She'd gotten her miracle. She'd gotten her second chance. And she knew just how lucky she was, but that didn't mean the reminder wasn't enough to worm its way into her thoughts.

"You okay to stay on this?" Derek asked quietly.

She nodded. "I'm fine."

He raised an eyebrow.

She bit back a laugh and shook her head at how well he knew her. "Really," she insisted. "It's...humbling, I guess, the reminder. But I really am okay. I want to stay on the case. I want to make sure this guy really is okay, so he can get his second chance."

Derek's pager went off. He sighed and pulled the small device from his waistband. "I have to go check on my patient."

"I'll page you if he develops any problems," Meredith offered, even though any neural issues had been ruled out. It was unspoken that Derek had remained on the case as long as he had for her.

"Okay. I'll make sure I find you before I leave."

"Okay, but if I'm in surgery, have fun at your...gentleman's evening..."

Derek made a noise in the back of his throat and rolled his eyes. "I'd almost managed to forget about that..."

She giggled.

He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Hopefully something will come up to prevent me from going..."

"Yeah, good luck with that. You know the Chief will just reschedule. You should just get it over with."

He made a face.

"It's the Chief. Whatever he has planned cannot be _that_ bad."

* * *

After watching her patient's harrowing experience through the camera in his skydiving helmet and then assisting on his simple appendectomy, Meredith sat by his beside, catching up on her charts as she waited for her patient to wake up.

Witnessing his very personal experience during his twelve thousand foot free fall left a bitter taste in her mouth. As he had been staring down death without anything to do to save himself, all he had wanted was to tell Sally that he loved her.

Meredith could remember feeling the same overwhelming need to tell Derek how she felt. Her memories of the day she almost died were murky at best. She remembered the sleepless night and Derek's attempts to be there for her that morning. She remembered sharing a bath with him before the sun was up over the horizon. She remembered arriving at the hospital, but remembered very little of her day before she was sent to the docks to deal with the mass casualty incident. She had vague memories of a small blond girl – who Derek had assured had found her mother – and a short conversation with Derek, though the entire experience felt unreal now when she tried to look back. She couldn't remember a single word she had exchanged with Derek, only that there had been words. The only thing she remembered in any vivid detail was the water. She remembered falling. She remembered the impact, the twisting panic in the frigid water. She remembered the overwhelming fear. She remembered the coldness and the darkness and the fight to stay above the surface. She remembered losing the fight.

The next thing she remembered with any clarity was waking up in the trauma room, Derek and Cristina at her side. The only memories she had of the middle were fuzzy and fragmented. She remembered short spurts of empty hallways and conversations with dead people, but she couldn't place them into any order in time or space. She could, however, remember wanting Derek. And she could definitely remember the clarity she had felt upon waking in that trauma room afterwards. She could remember just how clear everything had seemed. Her issues and her fears were stupid. She needed to tell the people she loved how much she loved them. People were what mattered. Everything else just paled in comparison.

She had tried to throw herself into that feeling, but it had backfired when Susan had died and Burke had left Cristina at the altar. Unable to find a medium between the old and the new, Meredith had been thrown into chaos, and she had run. But time and space had quickly returned her to some level of clarity. She had managed to find her medium.

Now she wanted her patient to do the same. He was obviously in love with Sally. And, knowing how quickly that level of clarity faded and left you in utter confusion, Meredith wanted to help while she could.

Rick stirred in the bed.

Meredith stood and placed her charts onto the chair she had been sitting in for the past hour. She glanced at the monitors as she pulled up Rick's hospital gown to inspect his incision. They had opted for a large incision and had performed moderate exploratory surgery during the appendectomy; just to be sure the scans weren't missing anything.

Rick stirred again and opened his eyes.

"Hey," Meredith said quietly, "Welcome back."

"Is it over?" He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light.

"Yes. The surgery went very well. Your appendix is out, and everything else looked perfectly fine," she explained as she redressed the wound. "You're very lucky."

He stared down at the incision. "I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I'm a little disappointed. I mean, I survived a twelve thousand foot freefall and this is going to be my only scar?"

Meredith recovered the wound and pulled off her gloves. "It goes away," she whispered.

"The scar?"

"The feeling," she corrected. "That feeling, that you have right now, today, like you can do anything..." She trailed off for a moment as she met his gaze.

His eyes searched hers before they blinked in understanding, recognizing that she _knew_ what he was feeling.

"That clarity," she continued. "It goes away. It's going away right now. And if you wait, you'll end up going right back to being the coward that can't tell the person you love how you feel."

He opened his mouth, but said nothing, confusion etched across his face.

Meredith leaned close. "I saw your video."

"You saw?" He whispered.

"I did."

Fear flashed across his eyes. "Well, you're not going to let Sally see, right? You're not going to let her know what I said..."

Meredith sighed. "Like I said; it goes away. It's going away right now. You have to tell her how you feel. Right now, while you still can. This feeling is a gift."

"She's just so incredible," he stammered, "In everything she does. She's just...way out of my league. You don't understand."

"That fear, that worry, I understand. But you've been given a second chance. It's a miracle. And that feeling you have right now is a gift. Don't waste it. Use it. It's a gift," she repeated.

"There is no way that she could possibly feel the same way about me."

"I don't know that I can believe that. She's been by your side at every chance today."

"She's my instructor. She watched it happen..."

"It's more than that," Meredith insisted.

"I... I'll tell her. Just not now. Not today."

"You have to tell her while you still can," Meredith repeated. "You've been given an opportunity that very few people get."

"But..." He trailed off.

"If she really doesn't feel the same way about you, then at least you'll know, and you'll move on. But if you never tell her how you feel, that won't be your only scar."

He exhaled slowly.

Meredith offered him a comforting smile and turned to give him some time with his thoughts. She passed Sally on her way into the room. The expression on the other woman's face told Meredith she had made the right decision in pushing Rick to talk to her. Sally felt exactly the same way as Rick.

She turned and shot Rick an encouraging look before she closed the door, giving them privacy.

Wanting to know the result, Meredith hovered by the door, pretending to be focussed on a chart as she glanced through the glass windows every few seconds. Sally had pulled the visitor chair up against the bed, and Rick was talking.

She was so engrossed that she jumped slightly when a hand landed on her lower back.

"Are you spying on a patient?" Derek's soft voice accused.

She giggled. "Maybe."

He joined her in laughing. "I heard the surgery went well."

She nodded. "I still can't believe how fine he is." She leaned into her husband and closed her eyes, enjoying the closeness. It was late in the day, and the hallway was all but deserted, so she didn't see the harm in their position. "Are you leaving now?"

"Unfortunately," he responded dryly, clearly not wanting to participate in whatever the Chief had planned for the evening.

"Do you want me to fake page you?"

He chuckled. "Normally, I'd say absolutely, but the Chief would know."

"True." She sighed. "I wish I wasn't working tonight. Right now I really want to go home with you and just...be."

"Just be?"

"Mmm-hmm. Today's been..." She trailed off, "Well, I don't know what today's been. Not hard, exactly, just...demanding."

"Brought back a lot of memories," he whispered knowingly.

"Yeah."

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "You're okay, Mer. We're both okay."

"I know," she said, and she really did know.

"Do you need a hug? I could use a hug."

She smiled and nodded. He gently pried the chart from her hands and placed it on the counter, before pulling her into his arms.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back, wrapping her arms tightly around him.

"Are you okay?"

She pulled back far enough to meet his eyes. "I really am," she reassured.

He smiled down at her before pecking her lips. "I'm glad."

"I'm glad I wasn't afraid to tell you how I felt," she found herself whispering.

"Me too."

"And I'm really glad I figured things out."

He kissed her again. "Me too."

She tucked herself against his chest, her nose pressed into the crook of his neck. "I love how good life is right now, and even though is scares me to say it out loud, life really is good right now. We'll have a new home soon. And work is good. I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. And you and I are good, like really good. We're married and...in this. Forever. And your family doesn't hate me."

"They love you," Derek said with a chuckle. "They can't wait to see you next month." Meredith and Derek were flying to New York in mid October for Derek's sister's wedding.

She lifted her head away from his to meet his eyes again. "It's just really nice to feel happy, and to feel like it's okay to be happy."

He cupped her face with one hand. "You make me _so_ happy, Mer."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he practically breathed, leaving absolutely no room for questioning.

"Good," she told him.

He chuckled, but his eyes caught on something over her shoulder before he could respond.

Noticing his attention shift, Meredith turned in his arms to stare through the window to her patient's room, right in time to see Sally bend down and kiss Rick.

"Did you do that?" Derek asked softly.

She turned back in his arms, laughing as she celebrated, "I think I did."


	106. Chapter 106

The sun was just peeking up over the horizon when Meredith tiredly pulled her jeep into the driveway beside Derek's land rover and shut off her engine. It was very early morning and the on-call resident had sent Meredith home a couple hours early to make up for the fact that she had been called in at four in the morning the day before.

Meredith let herself out of her jeep and stumbled up the driveway between the many vehicles already present. The twenty-four hour shift left her more drained than usual, likely due to the memories that surfaced after treating the very lucky skydiver with the defective parachute. It left her feeling more grateful than she thought possible for what she had, and she craved the warmth and comfort of her husband's arms. She just wanted to crawl into bed and have him hold her. It was so early now that she hoped he had a couple hours before he had to leave for work himself.

The porch was dark as she climbed the steps and approached the front door. With her keys already in her hand, she reached to slide the house key into the lock, only to jump in surprise when the door swung open.

She clutched her hand to her chest with a nervous giggle, expecting to see Derek, Izzy or Alex, or even George, who had been crashing on the living room couch on and off for weeks. Instead, she fell into shocked silence when she met the eyes of the half-sister she had managed to fall into some type of working avoidance routine with over the past several weeks.

"M-Meredith," Lexie stuttered, her expression equally as shocked as Meredith's. "What are you doing here?"

"What am _I_ doing here?" Meredith echoed. "_I_ live here. What the hell are you doing here?"

Lexie stammered in surprise. "Y-you live here?"

"Yes," Meredith insisted. "This is my house. Now, why are _you _here?"

"I'm sorry," she stammered quickly. "I had no idea...really. Alex never said-"

"Alex?"

Lexie shut her mouth.

"Alex Karev?" Meredith insisted. "Alex brought you here?"

"We were just...uh..."

An engine sounded on the street, and Meredith turned to spot a taxi pulling up at the end of the driveway. She turned back to Lexie, whose cheeks had blossomed dark red. Meredith took in Lexie's tired appearance and rumpled clothes, and she just _knew_ exactly what had happened.

"I should...uh...the cab," Lexie rambled. "I called the cab, so I should...go. I'm sorry. I...didn't know. That you lived here. Alex didn't say and I'm...sorry." If possible, she blushed an even deeper shade of red before she pushed past Meredith and practically ran down the driveway to the waiting cab.

Meredith started after her in shock. She practically lived in a frat house, and after more than a year she hadn't thought anything could surprise her. Not this much. But she was wrong. Wrong and speechless. Of all the things she could have possibly expected to come home to, her half-sister doing the walk of shame was definitely not something she could have foreseen.

With a huff, Meredith stepped into the front hall and shut the front door behind herself. She kicked off her shoes and then padded towards the stairs that would take her to the upper level, her bed and her husband. Whatever she had witnessed at the front door could freaking wait until she hadn't been up for more than twenty-four hours. Maybe after she'd gotten some sleep she would realize she had been hallucinating.

The upstairs hallway was dark and quiet as she shuffled down the hall to her bedroom. The sight of Derek's sleeping form greeted her the moment she opened the bedroom door. She smiled at the peaceful sight. He was lying in the middle of the bed, half on his side, half on his stomach, facing her side of the bed, and he had pulled her pillow against his chest.

Without wasting any time, Meredith shut the bedroom door and quickly stripped down to her underwear. She pulled an old, thinning tee of Derek's over her head and then padded across the floor to the bed. Derek stirred when she peeled the covers back and tugged at the pillow he was holding hostage.

"Hey," he practically breathed as he blinked tiredly at her.

"Hey," she whispered back as she slid under the covers and pressed herself against him. He moved to accommodate her, rolling so he was more on his side than his stomach. She quickly took advantage of the space by tucking herself into the warmth he had vacated and pressing her nose into the crook of his neck. His arm closed around her middle and she felt it. Warmth. Safety. Overwhelming comfort. It never failed. She ran her hand along his side to come to a rest at his hip, closed her eyes and relished the closeness.

"What time is it?" He asked quietly, running his fingers along her spine.

"Early," she told his clavicle. "You can still sleep for a couple more hours before you have to go to the hospital."

"You're home early..."

"The hospital took pity on me."

He yawned and tightened his hold on her.

She sighed. "How was your 'gentleman's evening?' Was there porn?"

He chortled. "Monopoly."

"Monopoly?"

"Mmm," he confirmed. "We played Monopoly. And Hahn was there."

"So, no strippers, and not just gentlemen?"

"Well, we knew it wasn't just gentlemen when Mark was invited..."

She laughed, and then laughed even harder when she felt him laughing as well.

"Mean..." She teased.

"But true."

She snuggled closer as her laughed subsided. "Did you have a good time?"

"Surprisingly, yes. The Chief is a remarkably sore loser. And is very bad at Monopoly. It was entertaining."

"I'm glad you had fun."

"Me too," he murmured, running his hand along her spine. "The only thing missing was you."

"I'm sorry my schedule sucks," she whispered, "But at the same time, it's your fault for marrying a surgical resident."

"You're worth it," he assured.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good." She yawned. "I'm exhausted."

"Sleep," he whispered.

"M'kay," she agreed.

He stilled his hand with a, "Hmm," and she felt his body relax around her as sleep gradually recaptured him.

Meredith stayed awake for several minutes, listening to her husband's deep, even breaths as she felt his heart beat through her own chest. She shifted her hand from his hip to his back, wondering if she offered him as much comfort as he did her. She hoped she did. With a sigh, she snuggled a little closer and allowed sleep to take her.

Neither she nor Derek had moved an inch by the time the alarm clock went off at 6:30.

With a groan, Meredith burrowed her face into Derek's chest and tightened her arm around him. "Make it stop," she mumbled.

"Mmm," he murmured, "You have to let go of me first."

"No. You're too warm."

"Some might even say hot," he whispered into her hair.

She giggled. "Don't know who..."

He chuckled good naturedly. "Funny."

She pressed a kiss to his chest. "Can you just stay here today? It's so warm; like a cocoon."

"Sure," he drawled sarcastically, "I'll just page the Chief and have him tell my patients that I'm cuddling with my wife instead of saving their lives."

She laughed. "Sounds good to me."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and rolled away to turn off the alarm. "You're off today, right?"

"They have to give me _some_ time to catch up on sleep."

Derek rolled back, the alarm effectively silenced. He draped his arm across her before speaking. "How about we go out for dinner tonight? I should be done at a reasonable time."

"Dinner sounds good. The steak place?"

He kissed her. "Wine, steak and carbs in a basket," he agreed.

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt before he could roll away again. "Are you sure I can't entice you to stay here we me?" She kissed him again, hard.

He moaned when she pulled away. "Trust me, Mer, there's _nowhere_ else I'd rather be, but I have three procedures scheduled today..."

She made a face. "Fine."

He chuckled as he rolled out of bed. "I have to go to work, and you need to get some sleep," he spoke as he turned and leaned over the bed to kiss her once more. "And then tonight I'm going to take you out for dinner, and then we'll come home and spend some _quality_ time together..."

Despite her exhaustion, she felt her body tighten at the thought. "Okay."

"Okay," he echoed, kissing her one last time before donning his robe and heading across the hall for a shower.

Meredith fought the urge to cocoon herself in the blankets that smelled of her husband, close her eyes and fall back to sleep. Instead, she too rolled out of bed and donned a robe, intent on returning the favour Derek had done for her the previous morning.

The lower floor of the house was dark and quiet as she carefully padded down the stairs and then took the hall to the kitchen. She grimaced when she flicked on the kitchen lights, her eyes still sensitive from sleep, but she pushed on, determined.

After over a year of surgical residency, Meredith could make coffee without stopping to measure a thing. Hell, she could probably make coffee with her eyes closed. And standing on one foot. And performing surgery. In the middle of an earthquake. Because coffee was _that_ important.

Once the coffee maker was simmering away, she pulled Derek's travel mug out of the drainer by the sink – because he was the type who hand-washed his travel mug every day – and collapsed onto a kitchen chair to wait. She leaned over the table and rested her head in her hands, determined to stay awake.

The beep that signified the coffee was brewed startled her, and she jumped up, slightly disoriented, as she silently tried to convince herself she hadn't fallen asleep sitting upright at the kitchen table. Still blinking tiredly, she filled Derek's travel mug and then headed out of the kitchen, leaving the rest of the coffee for her roommates. It was an unwritten rule that the first one up in the morning made a whole pot of coffee. It was incentive to not wallow in the mornings; the last one in the kitchen may find an empty pot.

Derek met her at the bottom of the stairs. He had pulled on jeans and a sweater, and she could see a white button down peeking out unevenly under the collar of the sweater. She smiled. This was one of her favourite things to see him in.

"I made you coffee," she announced, pushing the mug into his hand.

"Thank you," he murmured, stepping into her space and kissing her. His free hand snaked around her waist.

Meredith rested both of her hands against his chest and kissed him back. "I thought it was only fair."

Derek cocked his head and smiled at her in the way that made her heart feel all gooey. She wrinkled her nose, part of her happy that she could be this happily married person, and the other part of her mocking the happy, married part for becoming mushy and disgusting. It was an interesting dynamic.

"Is this just another ploy to keep me home today?" Derek teased.

She giggled. "Maybe." Her fingers twitched against his chest. He was warm and solid under her touch. She wanted to slide her hands under his shirts and touch him skin to skin, but she settled for sliding her hands upwards to fix his collar instead, knowing he had to get to the hospital.

"I wish I could stay home with you today," he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers when she was finished straightening his collar.

She smiled softly and closed her eyes. Her skydiving patient the day before had obviously had an even stronger effect on her that she had originally realized. But, as much as she normally hated being clingy, right now she didn't care. Right now she wanted to be able to be grateful for what she had. She had tried to be grateful for what she had while she had recovered from her own near death experience, but circumstances had gotten in the way, so she was taking the opportunity now.

Derek hummed softly, obviously perfectly content with remaining in their position for as long as she wanted. His hand rubbed small circles on her back. And he was warm. And he smelled good. Really good. It was all too easy to pretend she could stay like this all day.

With her eyelids feeling suddenly very heavy, Meredith pulled back, knowing she had to let her husband go to work. "I love you," she told him.

He smiled. "I love you, too."

She leaned in again to brush her lips against his. "You should go before I make you late."

He shrugged. "It's worth it..."

"Seriously."

"Seriously," Derek echoed.

She laughed.

He ducked his head down to kiss her one more time before he turned for the door.

"Let me know when you think you'll be home," she called after him.

"I will. Have fun sleeping."

"I will," she agreed.

With one last smile, Derek stepped out the door.

Meredith sighed and turned for the stairs; glad she had seen him off rather than go right back to sleep. It was little things like this that she was learning to cherish. The seemingly insignificant moments together.

She yawned twice as she ascended to stairs, and was starting a third yawn as she turned down the hall towards her bedroom. Alex hurried out of the bathroom, obviously running late and in a hurry. He nodded towards her as he made to move past, but she reacted on instinct by reaching out and grabbing a fistful of his shirt.

"Uh..." Alex said, sliding to a stop as he glanced down at the hand holding him there and then glancing up at Meredith. "What's up?"

"Do you care to tell me what the hell you were doing last night?" The memory had almost slipped her mind, but the sight of Alex had brought everything back.

Alex narrowed his eyes. "You weren't home last night."

"No, I wasn't. But I got home just in time to see Lexie Grey doing the walk of shame. Care to explain that?"

Alex shrugged. "Seems pretty self-explanatory."

She huffed. "Don't you people have some rule about screwing a friend's sister?"

He smirked. "That's the guy code," he explained. "Which you are not included in; for obvious reasons." He glanced down at her robe.

She glared at him.

"Second; I thought she wasn't your sister?"

"She's not," Meredith said immediately, on reflex.

"Then we don't have a problem, do we?"

"I..." She trailed off, not knowing what to say.

Alex smirked. "Now, if you'll let go of me," he pried her fingers away from his shirt, "I'm late for work."

"Fine, but this isn't over," she called towards his back as he hurried to the stairs. He lifted his arm in response as he descended the stairs, but didn't turn back around to face her. A moment later she heard the front door open and then close.

Another door opened immediately, and Meredith sighed as Izzie stepped out of her bedroom, looking bedraggled and half-asleep. "I'm sorry, Iz," Meredith said pre-emptively.

Izzie grunted in response as she stumbled down the hall towards the bathroom. "I had to get up anyway."

"Can you do me a favour today?"

The blond stopped at the doorway to the bathroom and shot Meredith a questioning look.

"Make Alex's life a living hell?"

Izzie's lips curled up into a smile. "My pleasure."

* * *

It was early afternoon when Meredith gave up on getting any more sleep. With a groan, she rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Her eyes were puffy as she stared at herself in the mirror. No matter how much sleep she got following an overnight shift, she always looked exhausted.

"I hate my job," she mumbled to herself as she rinsed her toothbrush and then turned off the tap. It was a lie, really, but one she told herself pretty much daily. She loved being a surgeon. She hated the schedule.

Padding back into the bedroom, she stood momentarily between her closet and the door, debating whether to shower first or go in search of sustenance. The growling of her stomach made the decision for her. Food first. Shower later.

She pulled on a pair of sweatpants to go with the tee shirt she had been sleeping in, snatched her cell phone off of her bedside table, and then headed into the hallway. The house was silent as she made her way downstairs to the kitchen.

There was a bowl of fruit sitting in the centre of the kitchen table, but she bypassed it quickly, needing something more filling after her long shift. The cupboards held nothing that promised quick and filling, so she shut them as quickly as she opened them. The fridge, however, offered her just what she was looking for.

Alex had a habit of ordering pizza and then shoving the leftovers – still in the box – into the fridge. His laziness and failure to label his pizza as his was Meredith's gain. She pulled the box from the fridge and opened the box. Three slices left. She pulled a plate from the cupboard, lined it with paper towel – a trick she had learned from Derek – and dropped two of the three slices onto the plate. She shoved the plate into the microwave and turned it on. She then picked up the third slice and took a bite.

No matter what her husband said, she maintained that there was nothing wrong with cold pizza.

Munching away on the cold slice, she took the now empty box to the recycling bin at the back of the house, returning to the kitchen in time to hear the microwave finish. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and the plate from the microwave before collapsing on the closest chair at the kitchen table.

Other than the sound of herself chewing, it was quiet.

Really quiet.

The odd car drove by on the street or bird chirped, but for the most part it was quiet.

She sighed.

Once she and Derek moved into their new home, it would be quiet like this a lot more often. She wondered what that would be like. She loved her roommates, even if they drove her crazy, but at the same time, on occasions like this she enjoyed the quiet. No crises to avert or arguments to mediate. No extra drama. No constant activity.

She would miss her roommates, she decided, but she would enjoy her new situation.

Just her and Derek.

It was a nice thought. Waking up to just Derek and not the daily stampede for the bathroom outside their bedroom door. Lounging around the kitchen table in the morning instead of fighting to get coffee and breakfast before leaving for work. Quiet nights curled up on the couch. No fighting over the remote. No escaping to their bedroom for privacy.

No more restrictions on when and where they could be naked; they _were_ newlyweds, after all.

As she picked up her second slice of pizza, she reached for her phone. Derek still hadn't let her know when he'd be home, but she assumed he was waiting as long as he could to let her sleep. She sent him a text to let him know she was up. A moment later her phone rang. She quickly picked it up.

"Hey."

"Hey," Derek's voice filtered through the phone line. "I didn't want to bug you until I knew you were awake."

Meredith smiled to herself at how well she knew him. "I'm up," she declared. "Stupid overnight shift. I couldn't sleep any longer. How's your day going?"

"Good. All of my scheduled procedures went as planned this morning, and the rest of my day has pretty much been paperwork and one unremarkable consult."

"Sounds fascinating," she said dryly.

He laughed. "What are you up to?"

"Eating Alex's leftover pizza."

Derek clicked his tongue. "Alex isn't going to be happy..."

"Alex can bite me," she retorted.

He laughed. "What did Alex do now?"

"He slept with my sister."

"What? When?"

"Last night. Lexie was doing the freaking walk of shame when I got home this morning. I mean, seriously, how screwed up is that?"

"That's..." Derek trailed off. "Huh."

"Helpful."

He chuckled. "Sorry. I'm trying to come up with something supportive to say."

"Don't worry about it." She waved her hand, as if to wave off the topic of conversation, despite the fact that her husband could not see her through the phone line. "I'm over it. And I'm getting my revenge."

"By eating Alex's pizza?"

"Yes."

She could practically hear his smile through the phone line.

"Anyway," she began, "Do you know when you'll be home yet?"

"I should be home early. I thought we could spend some time together and then go to dinner. I made reservations for seven. Is that okay?"

"Sounds perfect. I'm looking forward to it. We haven't been there in a long time."

"I'm looking forward to it, too. I'll get back to my paperwork and then I'll be home as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay. See you soon."

"Bye."

Meredith hung up and placed her phone back down onto the table. She picked up the last slice of pizza and sat in comfortable silence while she quickly finished it. She then deposited her plate into the dishwasher and headed upstairs to shower.

It was an hour later that she was sitting on the living room couch, laptop in her lap, bowl of popcorn beside her and daytime television playing across the room that the front door opened. She glanced at the time on the wall, not having expected Derek for at least another hour.

"Hey," she called.

Footsteps that weren't Derek's sounded in the front hall, and then George's weary form appeared around the corner. "Hey," he responded quietly. "I hope it's okay that I came here. The Chief found out I'd been sleeping in the on call room on my days off..."

"You're always welcome here, George," she offered with a smile, patting the cushion beside her.

"Thanks," he said genuinely as he collapsed beside her, and then sighed heavily. "I just haven't had time to find an apartment. And the only other option is moving back in with my mother..." He shuddered.

"And she irons things," Meredith said, from memory.

George laughed. "_Weird_ things."

She joined him in laughing.

"You can always stay here," she repeated.

"I appreciate that, Mer," he said quietly, "I really do. But I can't sleep on your couch forever. I just need to get out there and find a place to live." He tensed, as if he were going to stand and march outside to his car.

"Or, rough it on the couch for a few more weeks and you'll have a room again."

George sent her a questioning look.

"Derek and I bought a condo," she said gently. He hadn't meant to not tell George sooner, but she hadn't wanted to make it seem like she was flaunting her successful relationship while he picked up the pieces of his failed one. "We take possession at the end of October." October was just days away now.

He smiled. "I'd love to live here again. Thanks, Mer."

She shrugged. "No problem. Saves me finding someone to live with Alex and Izzie. At least you know what you're getting into..."

He laughed. "Can I have your room?"

She pursed her lips. "Izzie would probably kill me if I didn't offer it to her. It's a girl thing; the whole private bathroom thing. But think of it this way, if she takes my room and you take her room, you'll end up in the room you first picked out." She smiled at the memories of when George and Izzie first moved in. Despite the fact that George had arrived first, Izzie had managed to take the room he had claimed.

He laughed as he remembered as well. "Can we at least tell her I get your room? Just to see her reaction?"

She nodded. "Absolutely."

He bumped her shoulder. "Thanks," he said again.

She bumped her shoulder back. "You're family, George."

He smiled, and motioned to the computer sitting haphazardly on her lap. "What are you looking at?"

She turned the laptop so he could see the screen.

"Furniture?" He raised an eyebrow.

"First of all; I'm incredibly bored. Second; Derek and I have to be able to furnish a new home in a month. I thought it was important to see what's out there, you know?"

He nodded. "Are you going to take stuff with you?" He motioned to the couch they were sitting on.

She sighed and shook her head. "I don't think so. Derek and I haven't really had a chance to talk about it, but if it were completely up to me, I'd want to start fresh. This was my mother's house and my mother's furniture. I don't want to start a new chapter of my life with the constant reminders." She had let go of her mother in the scrub room the month before. She wasn't haunted anymore, and she wasn't trying to live up to any of Ellis Grey's expectations, but that didn't mean her mother wasn't a part of her past anymore. She was moving forward; taking what good her mother gave her and leaving behind the bad. She felt that taking her mother's things to a new home would be regressing and she hoped that Derek would agree.

"That makes sense," George agreed. "I'm sure Shepherd will understand." He glanced at the screen again and chuckled. "That's a lot of couches. Do you know what colour you're going to paint the living room? That may help you narrow it down."

She shook her head, and then made a face. "I guess that's something I should consider first."

He nodded.

"And I guess we should paint before we move in to avoid the fumes or whatever..."

He nodded again.

She groaned. "Being grown up is stressful."

George laughed.

"Okay, so we get the keys the last week of October. We can probably paint it right away if we have colours picked out, right? And then we can have furniture delivered and move in by the end of October."

"You'll have to have the furniture picked out pretty quickly. You've only got four weeks." Four weeks to a surgical resident was only a handful of free hours.

She sighed. "And we're going to New York for Lauren's wedding in that time..."

"Lauren?"

"One of Derek's sisters."

"When are you leaving?"

Meredith scrunched up her face as she tried to remember the date. "The wedding is on the eighteenth. We're leaving Thursday and flying back Monday, I think."

"That's a long way to go for a few days."

"Yeah, I guess, but it's a family thing that I don't completely understand, but I'm getting used to. Derek's really excited about it. He's walking his sister down the aisle."

"That's nice. Is his family upset that they weren't invited to your wedding?"

Meredith sighed. It was something that weighed on her mind when she took the time to think about it. Although his family had sounded happy and supportive when she had spoken to them on the phone following her and Derek's nuptials, she worried that their attitudes may be different in person. "I hope not. Again, I'm still not really used to the family thing, so I don't really know. Derek said they were fine, and I'm doing my best to be happy and stable and believe him."

"That's very grown up of you."

She laughed. "I'm trying."

"I'm glad you're happy, Mer. It looks good on you."

She smiled softly. "Thanks, George." She considered him carefully before speaking again. "Are you okay?"

He nodded.

"I mean...really, are you okay?"

George sighed. "I made a mistake. And I tried to make it work. Callie and I tried to make it work. We tried," he repeated. "I know I loved her, the best I could, but it just wasn't enough. So, I can't regret trying to be with her. Everything sucks now, but at least I can't have any regrets, right?"

"Right," she agreed quietly.

"You don't have to hide being happy from me, if that's what you want to know."

Meredith stared at him, caught off guard.

George smirked, knowing he had read her right. "I'm glad you're happy, Meredith. You and Shepherd are clearly meant for each other. I don't want you to try to hide that from me. My life kind of sucks right now, but knowing my friend is happy makes it better, not worse, okay?"

Meredith nodded. "Okay. Thank you, George," she rested her head on his shoulder. "I wish you were happy, too."

"Me too. But knowing I have a place to live is a step in the right direction."

Meredith smiled, glad she was helping.

* * *

"Are you ready to go?" Derek asked as he descended the stairs, dressed in dark jeans and a navy jacket.

Meredith looked up from the couch and rolled her eyes. "I was ready before you started on your hair..."

He huffed. "I do not spend that long on my hair."

"Yeah, _sure_ you don't," she drawled as she stood and approached him. He had gotten home later than expected, leaving limited time to prepare for their date night. She had showered and picked out her outfit before he had even gotten home. While he was showering, she put on some makeup, got dressed and headed downstairs to give him room to get ready himself.

He shook his head at her comment, but let it go. His gaze darkened as his eyes took in her form. "You look beautiful," he practically breathed as she came to a stop in front of him. She was wearing a black dress with her hair down, and a pair of heels to give herself some height.

Meredith fought the urge to bite down onto her lower lip as she met his intense gaze. No one had ever made her feel beautiful before, not like Derek could with just a look and a comment. "Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself." She ran her hands across the rough fabric of his sport jacket.

He leaned down to her level to brush his lips across hers. "I'm sorry I couldn't be home earlier." He had been called to a consult late in his shift.

She shrugged. "It wasn't your fault."

He kissed her again. "Shall we?"

She nodded and snatched her purse off the hall table on her way out the door. Derek paused to lock the door behind them, but caught up to her in time to pull open the passenger door in an over exaggerated fashion.

Meredith giggled. "You're being awfully charming."

He chuckled. "I try." He shut the door once she was in, and quickly joined her in the car.

Once he had started the car and began navigating the route to the restaurant, he reached his right hand to rest on her thigh. She smiled softly at the gesture and laid her hand over his, threading their fingers together. It was the little, unspoken, married things like this that made her heart flutter.

"How was your day?"

"Uneventful. I talked to George for a while. He seems to be doing okay, considering everything. I told him he could have a room once we move out."

"That's good. At least he knows what he's getting into with Izzie and Alex."

Meredith laughed out loud. "I said _exactly _the same thing."

He laughed as well. "It's good that he's doing well."

"Mmm-hmm. He told me not to hide my happiness from him."

"Do you still feel guilty?" He shot her a concerned look as he pulled the car to a stop at a red light.

"Sometimes. I just feel bad that I'm so freaking happy when my friends aren't. George is getting divorced and Cristina is so not over Burke, no matter what she says..."

He squeezed her hand. "You're allowed to be happy."

"I know," she told him honestly. "I just feel bad that we all can't be happy."

"That's because you're you," he told her as he pulled the car through the intersection. "You want good things for the people you love. You're a good person."

Her heart fluttered at his compliment. "I try," she echoed his earlier comment.

They bantered lightly for the remainder of the drive and arrived at the restaurant right in time for their seven o'clock reservations.

"I'm really glad we're doing this," she commented as Derek held the restaurant door open for her.

"Me too."

The inside of the restaurant was just like she remembered. Comfortable, but a step up from casual.

"Table for two?" The hostess asked.

Derek nodded. "We have a reservation under Shepherd for a table by the window."

The hostess quickly checked the reservation book and then smiled at them. "Follow me, please." She led them to a quiet table by the window, as requested, with a view of the harbour. "Someone will be with you to take your drink order shortly."

"Thanks," Meredith said as she sat across the small table from Derek. She glanced around the restaurant and then turned back to her husband.

"What are you thinking about?"

She smirked. "I'm pretty sure that the last time we were here, you asked me to be your girlfriend." After Derek's divorce to Addison had been finalized, this was where they had come to officially discuss rules.

Derek rolled his eyes at the memory. "I didn't mean it that way."

She laughed, but the waitress cut her off before she had a chance to mock him further.

"Can I get you two anything to drink?"

Derek suggested a bottle of wine, and when Meredith nodded in agreement, he nodded to the waitress, who smiled and then hurried away.

He offered Meredith a warm smile and motioned to the view of the harbour before she could comment further on their last visit. "You know, in a month, this will be the view from our bedroom window..."

Meredith felt herself smile broadly. "It will," she agreed. "I can't wait."

He mirrored her smile.

"We have a lot to do," she commented.

"Hmm?"

"Before we move in," she clarified. "We have to find furniture, but really the first step is to pick paint colours. And we'll have to take time off or something to paint, because I'm pretty sure that's something that takes time."

"We can always hire someone to paint," Derek spoke up.

Meredith paused. "That...could work. But we still have to pick colours."

He nodded.

She sighed. "Do you really want to hire someone to paint?" There was some mushy, married part of her that wanted to paint her new home with her husband.

He cocked his head, recognizing the importance. "We can do it ourselves, too. It could be fun."

She smiled. "I think I'd like that."

He smiled back at her, and barely broke eye contact as their wine was delivered to the table.

Meredith took a sip. "It's good."

He followed suit, and nodded. "It is."

She began flipping through her menu.

Derek did the same, and after several moments of silence he spoke up. "So, we need to look for furniture."

She looked up from her menu. "Yeah. I mean, either that or sleep on the floor."

"What do you want to bring with us from the house?"

Meredith bit her lip before shaking her head. "Nothing."

He raised an eyebrow. "Nothing?"

"Nothing," she confirmed. "Not a freaking thing. Everything at the house was my mother's. I want us to start fresh...if that's what you want. I mean, we're starting our lives together. We've got a new home. I want for us to start fresh."

He smiled that warm smile that made her heart flutter and her insides turn all mushy. "Sounds perfect."

"Really?"

"Really."

She reached across the table for his hand. "I'm really glad we're doing this, Derek," she murmured, meaning the date night, the marriage and the move all rolled into one. "I feel really married today."

"In a good way?" He asked, though he obviously knew the answer.

"In a really good way. I'm so freaking happy that I barely recognize myself anymore."

Derek's McDreamy smile reappeared. "I know the feeling."


	107. Chapter 107

_**AN: This chapter is based around episode 4.7. As usual when I follow an episode so closely, I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone reading that I am just borrowing the characters and storylines. I chose to follow this episode pretty closely because it was important for the Meredith/Lexie relationship. Unfortunately, because the episode is being followed so closely, it's a little...slow? Choppy? I don't know; I can't come up with the right adjective. It's definitely not my favourite chapter, but it was necessary and I thought you'd rather I post this and move on to the next chapter than spend another week trying to make it more interesting. The next several chapters have been mapped out and move the overall storyline ahead. I'm excited about moving forward and have some, hopefully, interesting ideas. As always, I'm open to suggestions if there's anything you want to see (and by see, I mean read) happen.**_

* * *

Having expected to spend her day watching Mark Sloan perform two face lifts, Meredith was surprised to find her name listed on the OR Board with Erika Hahn when she arrived for work. A quick, and somewhat uncomfortable conversation with Cristina and Alex in the Residents' Lounge told her Hahn had intentionally made the switch in order to keep Cristina off her service.

Meredith had tried to apologize to her best friend, but Cristina had stormed out of the room.

"She's not mad at me, just the situation," Meredith insisted, hoping she was right.

Alex scoffed. "Whatever you say."

She glared at him.

"Hey, if you don't want Hahn's service, I'll gladly trade you."

"Not a chance in hell."

"You owe me for eating my pizza," he said, referring the Meredith's lunch the day before.

"Yeah, well, that was revenge for sleeping with my sister."

"I thought she wasn't your sister."

"She's not," Meredith insisted. "But she's still..." She trailed off.

Alex shot her a knowing look, telling her he knew she didn't have a leg to stand on. "Just don't have sex with her in my house again. At least not until I move out so that I don't have to know about it."

"Whatever," Alex mumbled as he left the lounge.

Meredith made a face before following suit. She had to get to the cardio floor to find the new attending. She had never worked with Hahn before, so she had no idea what to expect. Cristina and Izzie offered very different experiences with the cardiothoracic surgeon.

The moment Meredith set foot in the cardio unit, she spotted Hahn standing at the Nurses' Station. She took a breath as she approached her. "Good morning, Dr. Hahn," she greeted. "I'm Dr. Grey-Shepherd. I was assigned to you for the day. I'm sorry I'm not more prepared, but I must have read the schedule wrong. I was expecting to work with Dr. Sloan this week." She hoped that playing dumb would save her from any animosity on Hahn's part.

Hahn turned from Meredith and gave her an approving nod. "I requested the schedule be changed," she explained. "I wanted to get to know the residents I'll be working with. Your mother is Ellis Grey, right?"

"Uh, was, yes."

"Was?"

Meredith nodded. "She passed away a few months ago."

Hahn's expression immediately became sympathetic. "I hadn't heard. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

Hahn pursed her lips. "Dr. Grey-_Shepherd_."

Meredith nodded, uncertain.

"Any relation to Derek Shepherd?"

"He's my husband," she said carefully, but with confidence. It wasn't something she was ashamed of or trying to hide from anyone.

"I'd heard he was married to a resident," Hahn said.

For a moment, Meredith held her breath, waiting for the insult, but it never came.

"I wasn't going to believe it until I had proof," Hahn finished, humour evident in her tone.

"I'm sorry?"

Hahn smiled, as if sharing a joke. "I asked your husband and Dr. Sloan if they were a couple on my first day. The way they follow each other around..."

Meredith laughed. "They grew up together," she explained. Their friendship still surprised her after the better part of a year of hostility between the two. "They're kind of like brothers."

"That explains it."

Meredith nodded.

"Well, let's get started. We'll round on the patients on the floor. I want to see where your knowledge level is at. Have you spent much time in cardio?"

"No," Meredith said honestly. "I haven't had my second year rotation yet, and spent most of my internship focused on general and neuro."

"That should give you a good basis. Maybe we'll be able to pique your interest today."

Meredith smiled politely, knowing she had no future in cardio for several reasons. Her lack of interest was one. Another was her best friend.

Hahn proceeded in rounding on her patients, and asking Meredith a slew of questions for each condition they came across. Meredith answered what she could and learned about the rest. Hahn definitely knew her stuff, and turned out to be a surprisingly good teacher. She offered encouragement when Meredith knew the answers and understanding when Meredith did not. She would sometimes give Meredith some of the information on specific conditions and then push her to make the connections herself.

Regardless of Meredith's intentions regarding her specialty, rounding with Hahn was definitely beneficial. She just wished her best friend could be there to experience it too.

As if perfectly timed, Hahn received an emergency page to the ER the moment they had exited the last patient's room. "We're on," she told Meredith as she read the small text scrolling across her pager, and then she took off for the stairs without wasting any time.

Meredith hurried after her and managed to catch up once they reached the ER floor.

"Who paged?" Hahn demanded as they pushed through the ER doors. Meredith grabbed two pairs of gloves from the closest trauma cart and passed one pair to her attending.

An ER nurse immediately directed them to a trauma room. "Dr. Yang."

Hahn pushed through the trauma room door. "What have we got, Dr. Yang?"

"Teresa Brotherton. Fell down the stairs while carrying her baby. She brought the baby in and then collapsed. She lost vitals and coded. I needled a tension pneumo on the right side and she regained vitals."

Meredith stepped up beside the Cristina, alongside the gurney, in time to see Hahn take over the ultrasound of the patient's chest on the other side of the gurney. The patient was unconscious and intubated. Her vitals showed on the screen by the bed and they weren't good. Cristina was in the process of securing a chest tube.

Hahn huffed when she couldn't get a clear picture. "There's so much air in the soft tissue that it's obscuring the ultrasound. She probably punctured an airway as well as her lung. Feel that?"

Being closest, Cristina reached to feel the rib fracture causing the patient's problems, and Meredith reached to feel as well. It was a situation they were used to. Traumas were fast paced and tightly packed. To learn you had to just jump in.

Hahn, however, had a different opinion. "I was talking to Grey," she snapped at Cristina, not allowing the very eager resident to learn a thing. "We've got it from here, Dr. Yang," she said flatly.

Cristina backed away in shock and disappointment.

Meredith sent her best friend a sympathetic glance. This was Cristina's patient. With any other attending it wouldn't matter who was actually assigned to their service, but Hahn was clearly not interested in allowing Cristina any more time with the patient.

Obviously frustrated, Cristina slowly made her way to the door, hoping Hahn would change her mind. Meredith reluctantly took her spot and reached to feel the rib fracture Hahn was focussed on. It was high on the rib cage, which wasn't good for the patient.

"Call CT," Hahn instructed one of the ER nurses, "Tell them we have an emergent patient and we're on our way." She didn't acknowledge Cristina in any way as she silently left the small room. She turned back to Meredith. "Do you feel that?"

Meredith nodded. "Multiple rib fractures. They're right by her airway."

Hahn nodded. "It's bad. We're going to hurry to CT, and from there I think it'll be straight to the OR."

* * *

Hours later, Meredith collapsed onto a cafeteria seat, joining Izzy, Alex and George. "I'm exhausted and it's only lunch time..." She complained. After their date night the night before, she and Derek hadn't exactly gotten a lot of sleep. And she didn't think it would be a big deal because she had expected to trail Sloan as he performed his face lifts. Cardio was much more demanding than plastics. Her patient's surgery had been tense and quick paced. The patient had coded several times and they had been forced to close without fixing everything when she became too unstable to operate.

"I'll trade with you," Izzy offered, "Seeing as you were supposed to be with Sloan today, but I got stuck with him instead..."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I had nothing to do with it."

"Still. One of Sloan's patients is _so_ annoying. She's in for a face lift and keeps telling me I'm getting wrinkles." Izzy made a face as she ran her fingers gently across her cheeks. "She's giving me a complex."

"You don't have wrinkles," Alex offered.

"Are you sure? She said my frown line was prominent." Izzy tilted her head for a better view. Both Alex and George stopped eating and stared intensely at the skin beside her mouth, searching for signs of wrinkles.

Meredith laughed at the interaction.

"I don't see anything," George said.

"I may see where your patient is coming from," Alex said.

"Alex!" Izzy hissed, her hands immediately covering her face from his view.

"He's joking," Meredith comforted.

"Are you sure?"

Meredith glared at Alex, who sighed. "I'm joking," he agreed.

Izzy slowly removed her hands from her face. "See? I'm getting a complex. I hate plastics."

"I'll trade you," Alex offered. "You can have my crap guy."

"I so don't like the sound of that. Crap guy? Seriously? I'll take my chances with Sloan's face lift."

"He's not that bad. He just won't crap and won't stop talking about it. I've had enough of listening to it."

"At least you're working with real patients," George spoke up. "I'm stuck in the clinic. The most interesting case I've had all day was a kid who swallowed a marble. I'll trade any of you."

"I only want to trade with Meredith," Izzy said.

"I'm not trading."

"How're you liking Hahn? She's good, huh?"

Meredith nodded. She _was_ good. She had been on top of everything in the surgery. Each code was anticipated and dealt with efficiently. And even with the instability in the patient, she hadn't just had Meredith watch. She'd had Meredith assist.

"She is good. Really good. More reactive than Burke, but just as good."

"Did she let you do a lot? She let me do a lot."

Again, Meredith nodded. "She was a really good teacher. It's just..." She sighed. "Our patient was Cristina's patient in the ER and the moment we got there, she just sent Cristina away."

"Take advantage of the solo time," Alex said. "It's not like Yang would have let you do anything."

"But cardio is _her_ life."

"Yang'll get over it," he responded, obviously unsympathetic.

"Alex," Meredith said gently. "Give her some slack. After Burke left...this is all she has left. Try to understand that."

Alex scoffed. "Burke left three months ago. She doesn't deserve special treatment anymore."

"But-"

"You know she wouldn't do it for us," he cut her off before she could say anything.

He had a point. Cristina was her person, but Cristina also took advantage of weakness in others. Meredith felt bad, but knew if the situation was reversed, her person wouldn't be sacrificing her own learning for Meredith.

"Three months isn't that long," Izzie pointed out. "She still needs us to be there for her," she said, directing her words at Alex before turning to Meredith, "But Alex also has a point. She wouldn't hesitate if she was in your situation."

Meredith ran her hand through her hair, a habit she had unconsciously picked up from her husband. She just wanted things to be back to normal, not that things were every _normal_. She just wanted her friends to be as happy as she was. "You're right."

"I'm Izzie; of course I'm right," Izzie quipped.

Meredith laughed.

* * *

After she finished lunch, Meredith headed back to the Cardio unit to check on her patient from that morning. She had left her interns to monitor her, but wanted to check for herself. Three months into their internship, her interns were much more independent and trustworthy than they had been only weeks earlier, but they were still interns.

She hurried through the halls and rounded the last corner before the elevator at the same time Derek did from the other direction.

"Umpf," she exhaled as she collided with her husband.

Derek's hands reached to her hips to steady her, and then remained where they were. He smirked. "Fancy bumping into you..."

She giggled. "I'm starting to think you do this on purpose."

"It does seem to happen a lot, doesn't it?"

She nodded.

He chuckled and then dipped his head to brush his lips against hers. "I'm not doing it on purpose, but I may have to start. It's a good excuse to press up against you," he whispered.

She laughed. "You're horrible."

He pecked her lips and then released her. "Have you already had lunch?"

She nodded. "I had to be quick so I could get back to my patient. You have her baby, right? Is the baby okay?" The patient and her husband had adopted the baby the previous week, and hadn't even had a chance to name her yet.

He nodded. "She has a slight contusion, but she should be fine. I'll keep her overnight to be monitored, but I don't expect any issues."

"That's good."

"How's the mom?"

She shook her head. "Not good. Hahn had to close early because she was too unstable. She's probably going to lose the lung. We're going to see how she does in the morning."

Derek sighed. "I hope she makes it."

"Me too."

"How are you holding up after last night?"

Meredith mocked glared at her husband. "I'm exhausted, thanks to you."

He raised an eyebrow. "And I was going to blame my exhaustion on you."

"Nope. Totally your fault. You initiated round two."

"You initiated round three," he countered.

"Yes, but if you hadn't initiated round two in the first place..."

He laughed. "We'll get more sleep tonight."

She sighed. "I may have to stay tonight to monitor my patient."

Derek offered her a sympathetic look. "Okay, then we'll get more sleep tomorrow night."

She smiled. "I may be able to come home tonight. I'll let you know when I know."

"Okay." He returned her smile. "How is it going with Hahn?"

Meredith shrugged. "It's going well. She's really good."

He nodded. "I've heard that."

"I just wish she'd be nicer to Cristina. It's like she goes out of her way to be mean to Cristina and then super nice to everyone else to prove a point."

"What did Cristina do to piss her off?"

"Cristina said Hahn accused her of using Burke to get ahead. But there's got to be more to it than that because she knows I'm married to you, but she doesn't hate me."

"Maybe it's more about Burke than Cristina. Burke and Hahn pretty much hated each other from med school on."

Meredith sighed. "I just wish things would be easier for Cristina. She doesn't deserve this."

Derek ducked his head to kiss her again. "You're there for her. That's the most you can do."

She offered him a soft smile. "Thanks."

He cocked his head and his eyes narrowed as he examined her expression, concern evident in his.

Her smile grew. "I'm okay, Derek. I promise."

He kissed her once more. "Good. Because if you're okay, I'm okay."

"Corny," she teased.

Derek shrugged. "What can I say? You bring it out in me."

After a brief internal debated, she decided not to tease him again for being corny. "How's your day going?"

"Okay. Pretty quiet. The baby was my only consult today. And I did a biopsy this morning that was uneventful." He paused. "Lexie is working with me today."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "_Lexie?_ You're on a first name basis?"

He shook his head. "I'm keeping my distance, upon your request," he assured. "I just don't know what else to call her to you."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't call her Grey, because to me that will always be you."

She smirked and poked him in the chest. "That's Grey-Shepherd to you."

He chuckled and captured her hand in his. "You know what I mean."

"How has it been...to work with her?"

"She's good. I think she'll do well in the program."

"Has she asked you about me anymore?"

His hesitation said it all.

"Derek," she prompted.

"I'm not answering her, but I can't stop her from asking questions," he said quietly.

"What does she want to know?"

"Just things about you. I think she's trying to get on your good side."

Meredith sighed.

Derek wrapped his warm fingers around her forearm and offered a supportive squeeze. "I know it's tough. But things could be different."

"Derek..." She warned.

He squeezed her arm again. "I will support you no matter what. You know that. I'm just giving you my opinion. She means well."

"I know. That's the problem."

He kissed her one last time. "I'm on your side. I love you no matter what."

"I know," she said honestly. "I love you too."

He cocked his head. "Do you want a hug?"

She smiled at his gentle question and nodded. "Yeah."

He pulled her into his arms and she allowed herself to snuggle against him in the quiet hallway for a long moment. He was warm and solid and familiar. She inhaled and then on her exhale felt a ton of stress lift off her shoulders. He always had that effect on her. She always felt safe and loved in his arms.

"I'll let you go save your patient from your interns," Derek joked when he released her.

She laughed. "Okay."

"Let me know if you're coming home tonight."

"I will. And Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She smiled. "Thank you."

She smiled back. "Any time."

Unfortunately for Meredith, she did have to spend the night in the hospital. She had her interns monitoring the patient, but with the patient's instability, she just didn't feel confident enough in her intern's skills to leave them alone. Instead, she crashed in the on call room and had them bring her hourly updates until five in the morning when she sent them for some rest and planted herself in the patient's room to do her own exam.

The patient was intubated and unresponsive as Meredith made note of her vitals. She was stronger than expected, especially as there had been no guarantee she would make it through the night. Her husband was asleep in the corner, and Meredith was careful not to wake him. He obviously loved his wife very much and needed as much sleep as he could get. Regardless of the outcome, he would need to stay healthy.

She was listening the patient's heartbeat when Lexie walked in behind her, but with her stethoscope in her ears, she didn't hear the footsteps. It wasn't until she turned away from the patient and came face to face with her half-sister than she realized she was no longer alone with the patient and the patient's husband.

"Oh...uh...hi," Lexie stammered. They hadn't spoken since Meredith had caught her leaving the house the previous morning.

Meredith made some notes on the patient's chart instead of responding.

"I just came by to update him on the baby," Lexie stammered, gesturing with her hands towards the still sleeping husband. She hesitated. "But I can come back...if that's better...for you..."

Meredith was prepared to let her go, still having no idea what to say to the younger girl, but Lexie changed her mind half way to the door and turned around.

"Listen; I had no idea it was your house. Really. I'm sorry. Alex never said anything. Which isn't an excuse, but I just...I'm sorry." She gestured with her hands again, trying to make her point. Meredith wondered vaguely if that was something they had both inherited from their shared paternal lineage. "And I want you to know that I'm not the girl who sleeps around. I'm not. Really. There's just so much going on at home and-" Lexie's ramble skidded to a halt when the patient's husband spoke up.

"How is she doing?"

Meredith shoved her personal feelings aside and offered him an encouraging smile. "She made it through the night. That's a very good sign."

"Yeah," he practically whispered as he stood and approached the hospital bed. "Well, she's strong. She'll make it." He reached out to stroke his wife's forehead. "She's not going to let that baby grow up without a mother."

The patient stirred and her eyes opened.

"Hey," he said softly. "You're okay. You're going to be okay."

The patient moaned through the intubation tube.

"No, don't try to talk. You just rest. Okay?"

Her eyes flickered away from her husband and fell on Meredith and Lexie.

"Your baby is fine," Lexie said quickly, knowing instinctively what the patient needed to know. As much as Meredith hated to admit it, she knew Derek was right. Lexie would do well in this job. "She's feeding well. She's doing great. I can get her, if you want."

The patient nodded weakly.

Meredith smiled softly. "Dr. Grey, why don't you go get the baby?"

Lexie nodded and turned to leave.

"You're Dr. Grey, too?" The patient's husband asked. "Are you two sisters?"

Meredith froze, struggling for the right answer. She had barely worked with Lexie since she started, and had never faced this kind of question from a patient or patient's family member. "Uh..." She stammered slightly, but Lexie, having paused behind Meredith in the doorway, answered for her.

"No. Not sisters," the younger Grey said quietly. "Just have the same last name."

Despite the fact that Meredith couldn't see Lexie face as she answered, she could hear the disappointment in her tone.

Meredith was surprised to feel a twinge of disappointment in her chest, and had to silently remind herself that she didn't want a sister.

* * *

By that afternoon, Meredith was exhausted. Her patient's condition had gotten worse as the day progressed and although they were doing absolutely everything they could, there was very little hope. The patient had crashed numerous times and was so unstable that Hahn had decided to put her on cardio-pulmonary bypass in her room in order to transport her safely to the OR. She wouldn't survive another day without surgery.

The patient's husband had become more desperate as his wife's condition worsened. He was refusing to take responsibility for the baby without his wife, and he hadn't wanted to make any decisions or take any interest in updates on the baby girl's condition.

To make matters worse, Cristina was hovering in the background, obviously wanting more than anything to be part of the surgical team, leaving Meredith feeling more guilty than the day before in the trauma room. And, on top of everything else, Meredith had only seen her husband for thirty seconds that morning when he was on his way to surgery.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd, I want you monitoring her lines to make sure they stay clear. The last thing we need is a kink to send her into arrest," Hahn instructed.

Meredith nodded. She had already checked the lines several times.

Hahn took a breath in preparation for transporting the patient to the OR while hooked up to the bypass machine. "Okay, people, anyone gets so much as a bad feeling, we stop and reassess. Everyone understand?"

Meredith nodded, her focus on the patient.

"She's going to make it, right?" Lexie asked over Meredith's shoulder. She had been hovering for hours, reacting to the husband's lack of interest in the baby. "She has to make it."

Meredith tried to ignore Lexie's anxious words, but the younger Grey continued.

"He said he's going to give the baby up if she doesn't make it. She has to make it."

"I'm kind of busy right now, Lex," Meredith hissed. It was several seconds later that she realized she had not only called her half-sister by first name, but had shortened the name as if it were something she would normally call the younger Grey. Despite her best efforts, she was inadvertently dropping her walls. She couldn't look at Lexie Grey and only see an intern, no matter how hard she tried. And she couldn't hate her.

"Okay, people, let's go," Hahn instructed, pulling Meredith from her thoughts.

Intent on focusing on the patient, Meredith refused to look in Lexie's direction as she followed the patient out of the room. She would have to save lives first and stress over her personal situation later.

* * *

Two hours later, Meredith stepped out of the OR and headed for the surgical waiting room to update the patient's husband. Unsurprisingly, Lexie was camped out in the waiting room with the patient's husband. They both looked up expectantly when Meredith entered the room and began walking towards them.

Meredith took a breath and pasted what she hoped was a comforting expression on her face as she came to a stop, her focus on the patient's husband and not the half-sister watching her intently.

She sat across from them and began. "So, we were able to find one puncture in her remaining lung. Dr. Hahn is preparing to place a patch. Hopefully that's the only leak and hopefully the patch will hold."

He nodded before putting his coffee down and running his hands over his face, his love for his wife and devastation for his situation written plainly on his face. Meredith offered him an encouraging smile. In the back of her mind, she knew his wife's chances were not very good, but she hoped the new mother would make it. From what Lexie had told her, the man was planning on giving up the baby if his wife didn't make it. Having worked in medicine for more than fifteen months, she was less affected by the husband's words than Lexie, who was only in her fourth month. Family members dealing with unthinkable losses said things like this all the time, and made very extreme decision. It was because they couldn't imagine their life without the person they were faced with losing. If the worst happened, and his wife died, she hoped the man wouldn't actually give up the baby. It was a decision he would regret eventually, and not one he could likely correct at that time.

"I should get back," she said softly, after the husband didn't ask any questions. She stood and turned to leave, but then turned back, wanting to help. Right now, the man had no hope, and Lexie didn't have the skills or experience yet to offer it to him. "You said your wife bonded immediately with the baby. For some people, it's like that. For other people, they need more time with the baby before they can feel like a family. I bet you know her better than you think you do."

He sighed. "All I know is that she cries. And she eats. A lot. We were going through formula like crazy. And she sleeps with her hand under her chin," he added, the anxiety on his face momentarily displaced by a tender smile of his own as he thought of his new daughter. "And she likes my wife. Teresa knows how to soothe her; she puts her hand on her back, and she lets her suck on her finger." His eyes watered and the happiness began to fall away from his expression as the desperation returned. "But that's all I know."

Meredith offered a supportive smile. "That's five things no one else knows," she pointed out. "That's five things." With a nod, she left the husband to his thoughts as she hurried to return to his wife in the OR.

Unfortunately, an hour later, Meredith's patient succumbed to her injuries. The damage had just been too severe, despite Hahn's dedication to doing absolutely everything she could to fix it. The cardiothoracic surgeon had sworn angrily after calling time of death and had stormed into the scrub room to scrub out. Meredith had silently followed suit and after scrubbing out, the two of them had broken the devastating news. The patient's husband had said nothing as he reacted to the news and then left the waiting room.

"Well, that's that," Hahn muttered before she strode away.

Meredith hesitated before following. Lexie was sitting cross legged on the waiting room chair next to the chair the husband had been sitting in. Her expression was dark.

"We did everything we could," she said quietly, repeating the words Hahn had spoken to the husband.

Lexie looked up. "He's going to give the baby away."

"Maybe; you don't know that for sure."

"That's what he said."

"You did everything you could to help this family, Lexie," Meredith said, again using the younger Grey's first name without thinking. "Some things are just out of our hands. It's the hardest lesson to learn."

Lexie looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I always thought it took a lot more than this to make a father give up his child."

Meredith shook her head, but Lexie continued anyway.

"The moment I found out you existed I convinced myself that there was some extreme reason he did what he did," she said, speaking of Thatcher. "And now..." She trailed off, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm really sorry," she said again.

Meredith took a step back, still shaking her head. The lump in her throat told her she couldn't remain in this conversation or she would react like Lexie. And the last thing she wanted to do was give the younger Grey hope before she was sure she wanted a relationship of any kind. Lexie was very nice, and had proven determined to get into Meredith's good books, but Meredith still had doubts. The thought of letting her in and being vulnerable again was terrifying. "I have patients to check on," she muttered, leaving Lexie on the waiting room chair as she raced to catch up with Hahn.

Hahn was in a bad mood as they rounded on the patients in the cardio unit, but Meredith appreciated the mood. It meant Hahn was feeling the loss of her patient.

Meredith was feeling the loss, too.

Once they finished rounding, Hahn directed them to the Nurses' Station, where she passed three charts to Meredith and the rest back to the nurse. "Can you update the notes in these charts before you go home?"

Meredith nodded.

Hahn sighed. "I really thought she had a chance."

"Me too."

Hahn shook her head before sighing again. "I need a drink." She left Meredith at the desk, but turned back. "You did good work these past few days, Dr. Grey-Shepherd."

Meredith offered her attending a small smile. "Thank you, Dr. Hahn."

"Hopefully, we'll have a better day tomorrow," Hahn said, turning her back on Meredith and leaving the unit.

Meredith sighed as she turned to the charts. They were all that was keeping her from going home and curling up in bed with her husband. She opened the first one and began updating the notes. Thirty minutes later, she was just finishing up with the last chart when she felt a presence beside her.

She turned her head to meet Lexie's uncertain gaze.

"Hi," Lexie said quietly.

Meredith nodded, saying nothing. She was still struggling with her thoughts and didn't want to give Lexie any hope before she had figured things out.

Lexie took a step forward so that she was leaning onto the counter beside Meredith. "He came back for the baby. He named her and everything. I think they're going to be okay. I...just thought you should know."

Meredith allowed herself a small smile, glad something good had come of the day. "Thank you...for letting me know." She turned her attention back to the chart, but Lexie didn't leave.

After several moments of silence, Lexie blurted a seemingly random sentence. "I hate apples."

Meredith looked up in surprise, not understanding where the information could possibly be coming from.

"I hate them," Lexie repeated. "I think they shouldn't be allowed to be a fruit."

Meredith opened her mouth to reply, but still couldn't make sense of what Lexie was saying, and so couldn't come up with a thing to say in response.

"That's one," Lexie continued.

A wave of understanding washed over Meredith, but as much as she wanted to come up with an excuse to leave, part of her wanted to know more about her half-sister.

"Two; I can draw really well on an Etch-A-Sketch. Like, really well. Like, I could be a professional if, you know, that profession existed."

Meredith stifled the urge to smile at the younger Grey's slight ramble.

"I play the trombone," Lexie continued, before adding, "Badly."

Still unable to find any words at all, Meredith looked away for a moment, trying not to care, trying to remind herself that Lexie Grey was not her sister. There was no reason she needed to know any of this.

"I like math," Lexie said, continuing unhindered. "And I noticed that you do this thing with your hands." She raised her hand and waved it around to make a point. "Like this," she said, motioning to her hand as she forced Meredith to look at her again, "When you're trying to make a point. And I know that that's something about you, but I...I do it too, so it's also about me." She paused, looking away as if suddenly shy.

Meredith swallowed hard. She had noticed their similarity on the hand thing as well.

"And so that's five." Lexie looked back up now, looking Meredith in the eyes. "That's five things that I'm hoping will make it a little bit harder for you to hate me." Lexie immediately turned to walk away, leaving Meredith floundering for something to say in response.

"Lexie," she called out, half-hoping the younger Grey was too far away to hear. Unfortunately, the footsteps stopped. She was listening. "I..." She trailed off, unable to so much as turn around to face her half-sister. "I don't hate you," she said quietly. "I've never hated you. I just..." She sighed. "I don't hate you."

After a long moment, Lexie obviously realized Meredith wasn't going to say anything more. Her feet shuffled across the floor once again as she left the area.

Meredith sighed and buried her face in her hands, knowing she was screwed. Despite her best efforts, Lexie was becoming a person she cared about. Not only could she not hate her, but she couldn't not care. "Damn it," She muttered to herself. The decision had been made for her. She had a freaking sister.

* * *

Derek was in bed reading when Meredith pushed the bedroom door open later that evening. He looked up and offered her a tender smile. "I heard about your patient. I'm sorry."

She smiled back as she shut the door and then padded towards the bed. "Thank you," she said as she curled up against him under the covers without bothering to get changed.

He put down his magazine and wrapped his arms around her, saying nothing.

"Her husband came back for the baby," she offered, knowing he would care to know.

"That's good."

"Mmm-hmm," she murmured into his chest. He was warm against her, and his arms made her feel instantly comfortable and safe.

Derek rubbed her back, offering whatever comfort he could.

"I think I have a sister," she whispered.

His hand paused on her back.

Meredith lifted her head to meet his eyes. "I...I think I've given up trying to stay away from her. She's annoyingly determined."

Derek brushed his lips against hers and then smiled softly. "I remember what it's like to want to know you, but to have you push me away," he said, referring back to the weeks she had spent saying no to his advances when they had first met. He kissed her again. "I had to be determined."

Meredith giggled, grateful her husband knew her enough to offer some humour. "That's right," she retorted, "You were annoyingly stalkerish as well."

He scoffed. "I was not a stalker."

"You were everywhere, all the time."

Derek rolled his eyes in good humour. "And now Lexie's everywhere, all the time?"

She sighed. "She was really upset about the patient's husband maybe leaving the baby. And I pointed out to the husband that he knew things about the baby. Five things that no one else knew. So, after everything, Lexie hunted me down and told me five things about herself, and now I..." She trailed off and shook her head. "I can't freaking not care. Why can't I just not care?"

Derek smiled softly at her and ran his fingers through her hair. "Because you're you," he said softly. "You care, all the time, about everyone, even if you try and hide it."

Meredith felt her eyes sting at how well he knew her. "I don't know what to do," she admitted.

He pulled her to him so that she was laying with her head on his chest. "I'd say you have a decision to make, but I think you've already made it, so I'm going to say this instead. I can't guarantee she won't hurt you, but I can guarantee that I will be here no matter what. If you want to build a relationship with her, as a sister or a friend, I will be right here the whole time."

"I think you're right," she admitted, "That I've already made a decision. Maybe I just don't want to admit it."

"It's a big step," she acknowledged. "It's allowed to be scary."

She snaked her arms around him and pulled herself even closer. "What do I do next?" After spending almost three and a half months avoiding the younger Grey, she didn't know how to stop.

"Tell her five things about you," he suggested, "And take it from there. Nothing has to change overnight."

"Okay. I can do that." She smiled against his chest, knowing the only reason she could do any of this was the knowledge of Derek's support.

He rubbed his hand along her back again. "Do you want something to eat before you sleep? Or do you want to at least get changed?"

She closed her eyes. "I just want to lay here for a few more minutes."

_**AN: I couldn't resist using the same line than ended the episode to end this chapter. :-) I also wanted to take a moment to talk about Here We Are. I promise not to leave it unfinished. I would never do that. I was actually starting to put ideas together again in January before my stepdad got sick. Unfortunately, when my old computer died last year, I lost my 'notes' document with the brief outline I had made. I remember some of the ideas, but not all. I'm now in the process of reading WIHF and SH from the beginning so I can start fresh where I left off in HWA. It will take some time, but I'm not sure how long. I really want to thank everyone who is reading HWA and has been waiting so long for an update for your patience. I'm hoping to have more time this summer to be writing.**_


	108. One Week  Part 1

_**AN: This chapter revolves around 4.8 (Forever Young) and 4.9/4.10 (Crash Into Me). I tried something new with chapter, which I think I like enough to maybe try again in the future; it's almost like several mini-chapters in one. Unfortunately, the length grew far greater than I expected (over 20k words), so I had to cut it into two long chapters as opposed to one massive chapter (this half is by far the longest chapter so far in this story). The second half is almost finished; I'm just playing around with a few scenes. I can't guarantee it'll be up tomorrow, but I would expect it by Tuesday. As usual, when I follow the show so closely, I just wanted to mention that I have borrowed characters and dialogue from the show. Lastly, there's a short amount of dialogue in this chapter that relates to a 'sore spot' for many Meredith/Derek fans. I'm sure you will recognize it, but I wanted to be pre-emptive in reminding everyone reading that this particular storyline has no bearing on my story. It will not be mentioned past this chapter.**_

* * *

**Thursday**

Meredith walked by the open door to the small conference room with her head held parallel between her shoulders, pretending not to glance at the figure sitting with her back to the door. She stopped several feet past the door, turned, and repeated the exercise in the opposite direction. The figure hadn't moved; not that Meredith expected her to. She had been repeating this behaviour for the better part of ten minutes, and the dark haired intern doing charts at the table had barely moved at all.

After turning around again, Meredith paused in the doorway, trying to force herself to simply walk through the door and say what she had come to say. It had been a week since she had last spoken with her half-sister, and she knew it was time to say something. Five somethings, actually.

Lexie meant well, and wanted to be Meredith's sister. She had put herself out there – several times, in fact – and now it was time for Meredith to do the same.

Losing her nerve, Meredith stumbled away from the open doorway and paused to take a breath.

_"Come on, Grey,"_ she hissed at herself. _"You can do this." _

After three confidence building breaths, Meredith squared her shoulders and marched into the conference room.

Lexie didn't look up from her charts.

Meredith hesitated, wanting to turn and leave, telling herself that Lexie would never know, but instead forced herself to pull out a chair two down from Lexie and take a seat.

Lexie looked up, and her shocked expression told Meredith she had expected another intern to be joining her and not the half-sister who had pretty much been avoiding her for three and a half months.

Meredith held up a hand before Lexie could say a word. "I hate Chinese food," she started. She had spent the last week trying to come up with five appropriate things to say to her half-sister in response to Lexie's list; hatred of apples, Etch-A-Sketch artistry, playing of the trombone, enjoyment of math, and the hand thing that they shared in common.

The younger Grey looked surprised at Meredith's words, but remained silent as understanding dawned on her face. She knew what Meredith was doing, and with it, knew the significance of the older Grey extending this olive branch.

"I love strawberries," she continued, "Especially strawberry ice cream."

Lexie smiled softly, meeting Meredith's eyes.

Meredith swallowed, struggling to maintain her resolved of get in, say the five things and get out. She looked down at the table for a moment before meeting Lexie's eyes once more. "I'm not artistic, like, at all. I can't draw or paint or whatever to save my life. Seriously, I can't even draw a freaking stick figure." She paused. "I also can't cook. I'm not even allowed to cook at home. Things just happen when I'm in the kitchen. Things get set on fire, things burn, things just don't turn out like they're supposed to, even with supervision. Seriously, Derek's given up trying."

Lexie laughed.

"And five; you said that you noticed that we both do the hand thing... Well, I noticed that we both do the rambling thing, too, so that's about us, and because you used an 'us' thing, I thought I should, too."

Having finished her small rant, Meredith exhaled shakily, now realizing she had not thought this through because she now had no idea of what to say. Lexie was staring at her with hope, and Meredith was fighting the urge to simply stand up and run from the room. It had taken her a long time to build the nerve to take this step, and an even longer time to decide to make an attempt with Lexie. She was still scared of being hurt again, but she'd realized now that was no way to live. Susan had died, and Thatcher had just about shattered her, but that didn't mean she couldn't try with Lexie. That didn't mean she _shouldn't_ try with Lexie. She had a chance to add to her family.

Seconds ticked by painfully slowly, and Lexie said nothing. She just stared.

Meredith played nervously with the watch on her wrist. "Okay, I think I should add a sixth thing," she began unevenly, now trying to speak off the cuff and not from the mantra she had been preparing in her head for a week. "I find it really hard to trust people. There are very few people in the world that I trust...because I've been hurt a lot. So, I can't promise you that I'll ever be able to trust you. And I can't promise you we'll ever be...sisters, or whatever, but maybe we could work towards being...something."

Lexie nodded. "Okay."

Meredith nodded as well. "Okay," she echoed.

Lexie smiled.

Meredith smiled back, before standing. "I should...go. I have patients to check on." She may be giving in to the feeling of running away now, but it was okay. She had just made a huge leap forward.

"Okay."

"Okay," Meredith echoed again, before leaving the room. Once back in the flow of the hospital, she headed for the stairwell, which she took to the floor housing Derek's office. He had expected to being working on paperwork all morning, so she hoped he was still in his office now.

His office door was ajar, and she pushed through without knocking.

Derek looked up from his desk. His facial features immediately softened when he saw her.

"I did it," she announced as she collapsed onto the visitor's chair opposite his desk.

"Did what?"

"The thing."

He pursed his lips thoughtfully before shaking his head. "What thing?"

"The Lexie thing," she clarified.

"Ahhh," he drawled. "The thing you were going to do a week ago."

She mock glared at him. "Shut up."

His eyes sparkled as he stifled a laugh. "Why is it you always tell me to shut up when you know I have a point?"

She bit back a smile. "Shut up."

This time he did laugh. "Point proven."

She laughed as well.

"So, how did it go?"

Meredith shrugged. "Awkward, but good, I think. I remembered my five things."

Derek nodded, knowing what they were. He had helped her pick them.

"And I added a sixth. I told her I found it hard to trust people. And I told her I couldn't promise we could be sisters, but that maybe we could be something."

He smiled. "That's good. That's a good start."

"I hope it's enough for her. I just can't do the sister thing right now. I have no idea how to do the sister thing." The thought of a positive relationship with someone she was actually related to was appealing, but she wouldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. She would try, but she wouldn't let herself be disappointed if it failed.

"You'll have some practice with the sister thing next week," he pointed out. They were flying to New York the next Thursday for his sister's wedding.

"That's right," she agreed, before making a face. "That's really only a week away?"

He nodded.

"Wow, it seems so...soon."

He cocked his head at her tone. "What are you worried about? My family loved you."

"I loved them, too," she said softly. "I'm just... Are you really sure they're okay with how we got married?" It was something that had been plaguing her thoughts as the trip to New York got closer. She loved her husband and she loved their wedding, but she didn't want his family to be upset with them. She didn't want anything to create a distance between her and Derek, and the rest of his family. And she wasn't fluent enough in 'family' yet to know if the Shepherds really were okay with being left out of the wedding.

"Meredith, yes, I'm sure," he reassured.

"I don't like how you say that without thinking about it."

"I don't have to think about it. I know they're okay with it."

"But we just...got married. Without telling them. Without inviting them. Aren't normal families upset about things like that?"

Derek stood and held out his hand to Meredith. She smiled softly as she took his hand, and allowed him to pull her to her feet and over to the couch, where they sat together.

"My family loved you," he repeated once they were curled up together on the couch and his arms were wrapped securely around her. "And they're happy for us. There's no reason for you to worry about them being upset they weren't invited."

"But Lauren is having a big wedding next week that everyone's invited to. And your family seems really excited about it. And I just don't want them to think-"

"They don't think anything, Mer," he said, cutting her off. He paused to brush his lips against the side of her head. "If we'd had a wedding and invited them, they would have been happy to come and celebrate with us, but they respect the way _we_ wanted to get married. And they're happy for us. In fact, Meg even told me she was extra happy we didn't have a ceremony because it meant she didn't have to buy us a present."

Meredith laughed at the comment. Derek was close to all of his sisters, but had a different relationship with each. He and Megan definitely shared the same sense of humour. He was closest with Lauren, probably because of everything Lauren had been through and Derek's role in helping her. With Nancy, they shared a very stereotypical brother-sister bond for griping about what each went through growing up. Derek spent a lot of time comparing his childhood to that of Nancy's only boy, who also had four sisters. Nancy spent a lot of time mocking her brother, and vice versus, but both were very honest with each other when they needed to be. They could be angry at each other one minute, and then perfectly fine the next. With Kathleen, Derek shared his unyielding sense of optimism.

"So, they're really not mad?"

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "Really."

She smiled. "Okay."

"Crisis averted," he said jokingly.

Meredith laughed and elbowed Derek in the abdomen.

After shifting to protect himself from future attacks, Derek tightened his hold on her.

"We still have to get your sister a wedding present," Meredith announced.

He nodded. "I know. Maybe we can look for something on Sunday?" They were both scheduled to be off on Sunday, and had already made plans to shop for the furniture and appliances they would need for their new home. They took possession just after they returned from New York.

"Sounds good. Any ideas?"

He shook his head. "None."

"You're not very helpful," she mocked.

"Well, it's a present from _us_, so I shouldn't be alone in choosing it."

"But she's _your_ sister," Meredith pointed out.

"And she's _your_ sister-in-law," Derek countered.

Meredith had to smile at his comment. "Whatever. I only met her once."

Derek chuckled. "You are incredibly stubborn. Have I ever told you that before?"

She lifted her head from his chest to meet his eyes. "Once or twice."

He smiled as he leaned in to kiss her. "How long until you need to be back on the floor?"

Meredith glanced at her watch, and then made a face. "Probably now. With Bailey as Chief Resident now I have a lot less leeway." Bailey had replaced Callie in the Chief Resident role over the past week. The reason hadn't been made public in any official way, but it was obvious to all that Callie had struggled with the responsibilities that Bailey found natural.

Derek kissed her again before releasing her. "You better get back out there, then. You don't want to have Bailey renege on your Sunday off and leave me shopping by myself."

* * *

**Friday**

Having hoped for an easy day and not gotten her wish, Meredith was exhausted. A bus filled with high school juniors had crashed on route to visiting college campuses, taking up the ORs and the attention of the attendings. Ironically, the supervising teacher was a man Bailey had gone to high school with, which had inhibited Bailey's ability to supervise the residents.

After a year as the woman's intern, Meredith was surprised to see Bailey flustered and distracted for the first time ever. George, who was working in the ER, had told Meredith that Bailey had had a crush on the man when they were in high school together. Although it was amusing to see Bailey like this, it was also annoying, because the organization of the residents was falling apart. Many who had been assigned to specific areas, after realizing Bailey wouldn't notice, jumped on surgeries, leaving those not in surgery, like Meredith, running around trying to fill all the holes. She had been paged back and forth between the ER, the surgical floor and the OR too many times to count. And she was exhausted.

It was early afternoon now, and she hadn't stopped since she had arrived that morning.

Derek had offered her a spot in his OR when he operated on a kid with a pencil in his optical orbit, but her knowledge of the thinly spread residents had made her decline; a decision she was now regretting.

After rounding on two departments worth of post-op patients, Meredith sighed as she handed back the pile of patient charts she had just lugged around for the better part of an hour. "Anything else for me?" She asked the nurse, Claudia, who, thankfully, shook her head. "Thank god," she muttered, choosing the lean forward onto the counter. "I've never been so tired."

Claudia offered her a small smile. "If I had a nickel for every time I'd heard a resident say those words, I'd be a rich woman."

Meredith laughed. "I don't know what's worse; that I feel like I need this counter to remain upright, or that I actually believe you."

Claudia laughed as well. "I'd say it gets better, but I'm not sure I've ever actually seen proof of that..."

"How very motivational of you," Meredith said dryly.

"You know you love it here," Claudia countered.

Meredith made a face, but shrugged. "I really do."

Claudia smiled.

"Do you mind if I take over this section of your counter for a few minutes?" Meredith asked, not making a move to stand upright.

Claudia shook her head. "Take your time."

Meredith buried her face in her hands and closed her eyes, allowing herself a few minutes to just...be. She would eventually need to leave the counter in search of food, or at the very least, some coffee, but right now she needed a breather.

After several moments of peace, Meredith began to feel eyes on her. She lifted her head and looked to the left. Lexie was standing at the counter, chart in hand, staring at Meredith. The younger Grey flinched at being caught staring.

"I'm sorry," she said immediately. "I wasn't stalking, I swear. I was just...I was going to say something, but then you looked so tired that I wasn't sure. And I've only been here for less than a minute. I promise."

Meredith offered her a comforting smile as she pushed herself off the counter to stand upright. "It's okay. If it makes you feel any better, it took me a good ten minutes of pacing in front of the conference room door yesterday to actually go in and talk to you."

"Really?"

Meredith nodded. "And that was after avoiding you for a week."

Lexie smiled. "Oh."

Meredith shrugged, having accepted her own limitations on the family front and knowing the important thing was that she was trying now. "So, do you need help with something?" She asked, motioning to the chart in Lexie's hands.

"No, I was actually going to say...uh...I don't like it when people don't like me."

Meredith sighed. "I told you; it's not that I don't like you, Lexie. It's just really hard for me to-"

"Trust people," Lexie finished for her, taking Meredith by surprise. "You said five things, and then you added a sixth; that's it's hard to trust people. This is my sixth. I don't like it when people don't like me. It makes me a little crazy and it makes me work really hard to make them like me, which is probably a negative feedback loop, because it just makes me look like a stalker and makes them not like me even more, but I can't help it. And I'm sorry if that, you know, upset you these past few months, but it's who I am. I can't help it."

Meredith nodded slowly. "Oh," she said, "Okay." This was Lexie's limitation, so she would need to keep that in mind in the future.

Lexie smiled. "And, in the name of progress, I'm adding a seventh thing. I love being a doctor. I may only be an intern and have no idea what I'm doing and be terrified like ninety-five percent of the time, but I really love being a doctor. So, that's seven."

"Thank you."

With another smile and a nod, Lexie turned and left the area.

"Hmm," Meredith hummed to herself. Apparently this meant she had to come up with some new items. Pushing herself away from the desk, she turned to leave the unit, only to gasp as she came face to face with her Chief Resident.

"Dr. Bailey," she stammered, taking a step back.

"Grey, do you care to tell me why you're on the General Surgery floor when you were specifically assigned to Neuro post ops today?"

"I...uh...there was no one here," she explained. "One of the nurses asked me to round on the general post op patients because no one had been through yet. I already rounded on the neuro post ops, and the nurses are going to page me with any problems."

"I heard you passed up a surgery today."

Meredith nodded, hesitating with her words. Bailey's demeanour left her uncertain as to whether she was mad or not. And the last thing she wanted to do was get on the woman's bad side. "Yes, Der- Dr. Shepherd offered to let me scrub in," she said, cringing at her almost-mistake in calling her husband by name, "But I had too much to do out here." She held her breath, waiting for Bailey to yell about professionalism, but it never came.

"I'm glad I have _someone_ I can rely on to get some work done," Bailey said. "The rules have been too lax for too long. People ignoring instructions and jumping on surgeries the moment my back is turned. Can you imagine?"

Meredith quickly shook her head. At this point, she would agree to anything to keep out of Bailey's bad books.

"Where are you off to now?"

"I was just going to grab something to eat, but I can skip that if you need me somewhere else."

"Have you had a break today?"

Meredith shook her head.

Bailey nodded approvingly. "I don't want to see you with a patient for at least a half an hour, do you hear me?"

Meredith nodded.

"Good, and Grey?"

"Yes?"

"I suggest you take your break outside by the side doors. Your husband is sulking on the bench and it's very unbecoming."

"Okay." Meredith hurried from her Chief Resident before Bailey changed her mind, her thoughts on Derek. He must have lost his patient to put him in a dour mood, as he'd been happy the last time she had seen him. She hurried to the mostly empty cafeteria, ordered some food and two large coffees, before heading outside to find her husband.

As Bailey had announced, he was sitting alone on a bench by the doors. His form was hunched and tense as he stared into the distance.

"Hey," she said softly, announcing her presence.

Derek seemed to snap out of his trance and offered her a soft smile as she sat beside him on the bench. "Hey."

"Bailey said you were out here sulking."

Derek shook his head. "Absolutely nothing gets past that woman."

"Nope." She passed him a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," he murmured, leaning in to press a kiss to her cheek before taking a sip of coffee.

"So?" She prompted.

He sighed wearily. "My patient's in a coma and he's never going to wake up. Seventeen years old, and he's never going to know that life gets better after high school."

"I'm sorry." She reached for his hand.

"Me too," he said, squeezing her hand.

"You did everything you could."

"I did," he agreed. "I just hate the days where my best isn't enough."

"I know. You're a good man, Derek Shepherd, but sometimes I think you care too much."

He offered her a tender smile. "I love you, have I told you that today?"

"I love you, too," she murmured, leaning in to kiss him.

"Thank you for the coffee."

"I have food, too," she announced, dropping his hand to reach for the small tray she had placed beside herself on the seat. She opened the small sandwich container and passed him one half. "Bailey told me to take a half hour break, and I can't think of a better way to spend that time than with my husband."

Derek thanked her for the sandwich. "Is this your first break today?"

She nodded as she took her first bite.

"Me too."

"I'm freaking starving," she explained as she took a second bite.

"Now I feel bad for eating half of your sandwich..."

She shook her head. "I bought it for us. In return, you can feed me tonight."

"Sounds good. Do you want to go out?"

"We're probably going to be here pretty late. Maybe takeout? Italian?"

"I think I can get on board with that."

Meredith smiled and laid her head on his shoulder as they each finished their sandwich half. With their hectic jobs, it was nice that they could share a few moments of peace together.

"How was your day, other than your patient?"

Derek shrugged, and said wryly, "Brought back a lot of unwanted memories from high school..."

Meredith giggled. "Me too."

"I promised my patient life got better after high school, but he's never going to know."

She reached for his hand again now that they were both finished their lunch.

Derek shook his head. "Anyway..." He turned to Meredith. "Do you think the hospital is cliquey?"

"Cliquey?" She echoed. "I, uh...never really thought about it. Why?"

"Izzie was in surgery with me. I told her I promised the patient life got better after the cliques of high school, and one of the scrub nurses lectured me on cliques; said surgeons that are cliquey and the hospital was no better than high school."

"I guess the hospital can be cliquey," Meredith ventured, "But not like high school."

"Do you think people see me that way?"

"What way?"

"I don't know...cliquey? Arrogant. Excluding."

"Oh, Derek, no," she murmured, knowing how tough high school had been for him, especially after losing his father. The last thing he wanted now was to be seen as anything like the high school kids who had made his life miserable. "Absolutely not. Everyone loves you. You're kind and caring and patient, with everyone. No one thinks anything bad of you."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah. In fact, most of the female staff hate me just because you married me. They're very jealous."

He chuckled and dropped her hand to swing his arm around her waist. "I know that's not true, but I appreciate the effort."

"It is true," she insisted.

He chuckled and changed the subject. "How's your day been?"

"Busy. And I talked to Lexie again."

"Really? With only a day in between? What progress," He mocked lightly.

"Shut up," she said as she laughed.

"What did you talk about?"

"Well, apparently, I need your help coming up with a seventh and eighth thing to say to her."

"Seven and eight?"

She nodded. "Apparently, we're doing a thing..."

* * *

**Saturday**

The hospital was much quieter than the day before. As it was the weekend, there were very few scheduled surgeries, and there hadn't been much activity in the ER, leaving the hospital staff some much needed time to recover from the previous day.

It was ten to one, and Meredith and her friends had agreed to meet at one for lunch. It had been months since all five of them had been able to share a meal at the same time, and she was looking forward to it.

On her way to the cafeteria, Meredith spotted a familiar form waiting for the elevator.

"Getting something to eat?" She asked as she came to a stop next to her half-sister, smiling to herself at how much easier this was already. Just days ago, she could barely speak to the younger Grey, and now she was initiating conversations.

Lexie looked over in surprise and shook her head. "On my way to the clinic."

"Ah, that sucks."

Lexie shrugged. "At least today I won't feel like I'm missing something."

"That's true."

Meredith nodded, and then cleared her throat. This was getting easier, too. "Uh, seven, in response to your seven; I didn't always want to be a doctor. I was determined not to be a doctor, actually, and I took a lot of years off between college and med school, which you can probably guess by the fact that we're only a year apart in the program. It took my mother getting sick to convince me to go to med school, but I did it, and now I can't imagine doing anything else. So, we have that in common, too."

Lexie nodded, appreciative of the information. "Where...where did you go to school?" She asked quietly. It was a first for them; not only volunteering information, but requesting it.

The elevator dinged, announcing its arrival on their floor. Meredith and Lexie stepped on. Meredith pressed the ground floor button and then turned to face her sister. "Dartmouth. For college and med school."

"I went to UW for college and Harvard for med school," Lexie offered.

Meredith nodded, although she had already known that information through Molly and Susan. "And eight," she continued, "I'm a dog person. Love dogs; always have. I always wanted one growing up, but my mom wouldn't let me have one. I was too busy when I was in school, so now I can't wait until my schedule is quiet enough that I can get a dog."

Lexie smiled. "I'm a dog person, too. I hate cats."

Meredith laughed. "Me too."

The elevator arrived on the ground floor, and the doors opened. The two Grey's exited and headed in different directions, but they each parted smiling.

Meredith bumped into George on the way to the cafeteria. "Are you ready to do this?" She asked.

He nodded. "Thanks for waiting until I could be there to tell her..."

Meredith smirked. "My pleasure."

They got in line for food, and once they had paid, joined Alex, Izzie and Cristina at the table.

"Do you realize this is the first time we've all been able to sit together since we were interns?" Izzie spoke up brightly.

"It's been a long time, Iz," Meredith agreed.

"I feel like so much has changed," Izzie said. "I mean, we're residents now. We have our own interns."

"That's nothing new," Alex pointed out. "We've been residents for three and a half months."

"And we've so busy during that time that we haven't had a chance to sit down together, the five of us."

"We have better things to do, Tinkerbell," Cristina spoke up. "You know if there was a single surgical cardio patient out there I'd blow you guys off in a heartbeat, literally," she said, before laughing at her own joke.

"That's not very friendly," Izzie told her.

"When have I ever insinuated that I'm a friendly person?" Cristina countered.

"Not ever," Alex answered before Izzie could.

"Shut up, Alex," Izzie hissed.

Meredith laughed at the interaction.

"I just want us all to have a nice lunch together," Izzie continued. "Too much has changed, and we need to start making time for each other or we're just going to grow apart."

"No one's going anywhere, Iz," Meredith offered, "We've just been really busy with our interns, you included."

"You're going somewhere," Izzie said.

"No, I'm not."

"You are. You and Derek are moving out."

"Oh, that... Well, we're married. We should be living together, just the two of us. But it doesn't mean I'm _going_ anywhere. You'll still see me here all the time."

"Yeah, until you lose yourself in your dreamy husband and forget about us," Izzie said jokingly.

Cristina dropped her fork with disgust on her face. "Izzie, come on, we're trying to eat. Please don't refer to Shepherd as dreamy; it makes me nauseous."

Izzie glared at her.

"I second that," Alex spoke up.

Izzie turned her glare towards Alex.

Meredith laughed. "My husband _is_ dreamy. So, you guys don't get to pretend he's nauseating."

"You two together are extremely nauseating," Cristina countered. She turned to Izzie. "I'd been grateful they're moving out. At least this way you and Evil Spawn can get a full night of sleep."

"Cristina!" Meredith hissed.

Cristina shrugged. "You and Shepherd have loud sex. It's not a secret."

Meredith shook her head. "Shut up."

"Cristina's right," Izzie said to Alex, "We will get more sleep. A lot more."

Alex nodded and sent a leering glance towards Meredith.

Meredith buried her face in her hands to cover the sudden redness in her cheeks. "I hate you guys."

"You know you love us," Izzie insisted.

"I love her," George spoke up, nudging Meredith's shoulder, "She's giving me a place to live again."

Meredith sat up and bit back a smirk. She and George had been preparing for this conversation for two weeks.

"You're moving back in?" Izzie asked, and then continued without waiting for an answer, "Yay!"

Alex huffed. "Great, I'm going to be stuck with the two of them."

Izzie swiped a hand at Alex as she smiled at George. "I'm so excited. When are you moving back in?"

"As soon as Mer and Shepherd move out."

Meredith nodded her agreement as she pasted a smile on her face and bit back a laugh. "I promised George he could have my room the moment Derek and I move into the new house."

"What?" Izzie screeched as her happy smile fell away. She turned to Meredith. "You're giving him your room? The big room? With the on suite bathroom? And the tub? And the big closet?"

Meredith swallowed her reaction and tried her best to look surprised. "Oh, you mean you would have wanted it? I didn't realize..."

"Meredith!" Izzie demanded. "I can't believe this. Do you know how hard it's been to share a bathroom with him?" She asked, pointing a finger at Alex.

Alex huffed at the comment, but smirked at Meredith. He obviously knew exactly what Meredith and George were doing to Izzie. So did Cristina, for that matter, who was laughing openly at Izzie's reaction.

"I'm sorry, Iz," Meredith continued, trying not to laugh as she felt George fighting off a laugh beside her, "But I promised George."

Izzie turned her attention to George. "Please? Please, can I have the bedroom? I'll do anything."

"Hmm, like what?" George asked.

"I'll do your charts for a month."

"Hmm," George hummed, pretending to think about it.

"Two months," Izzie updated.

"Ask her for money," Alex suggested.

"Alex, shut up," Izzie hissed, before turning back to George. "Come on, George, you're my best friend. You want to do this for me, right?"

"Make her give you surgeries," Cristina spoke up. "Your pick of, let's say, five surgeries."

"That could work," George said, pretending to be considering it.

"Fine," Izzie agreed.

"Combined with charts for two months."

Izzie hesitated before nodding. "Fine."

"And make her do something embarrassing in front of the Chief," Alex added.

"And Bailey," said Cristina.

"You two shut up," Izzie demanded.

"And make her take your interns for a week," Meredith added.

"Meredith, you stay out of this," Izzie stated. "This is your fault. If you hadn't promised George the good room in the first place, none of this would be happening."

Meredith couldn't stifle the laugh that resulted from Izzie's desperate words. She clamped her hand over the mouth, but her reaction was obvious to Izzie, who quickly took in the expressions of everyone else at the table. "You...you didn't promise George your room?"

Meredith shook her head.

"You set me up."

George nodded.

Izzie huffed. "I hate all of you."

"Oh, come on, Iz, that was freaking hilarious," Alex said.

Izzie glared at him as she stood. "Figures you'd be in on this." She huffed again. "I have patients to get back to," she said as she turned and strode away from the table.

George swung an arm around Meredith and laughed as he watched his best friend walk off in a huff. "She's going to be pissed for a while, but that was totally worth it. Thank you for letting me be here for that."

"Thanks for letting us all be here for that," Alex added, lifting his water bottle up.

Meredith laughed as she lifted her water bottle and 'clinked' it against Alex's. "Cheers."

Cristina laughed as she lifted her own water bottle. "You know what? Izzie was right; I did miss these lunches."

"Cheers to that," George said as the four of them 'clinked' their bottles together.

* * *

**Sunday**

"My feet are freaking killing me," Meredith complained as she and Derek wandered the furniture displays of what felt like the hundredth store they'd been in today.

"And yet, you've been so pleasant about it all day," he countered dryly.

Meredith laughed and bumped his shoulder as they walked together, hand in hand. "I would complain less if I felt like we were actually accomplishing something. Do you feel like we're accomplishing something?"

"We're seeing what's out here," he pointed out. "And we have some paint ideas."

She rolled her eyes as she hefted her now heavy purse in front of them. "A million paint chips isn't 'some' ideas." They had gone a little overboard and picked out stacks of paint chips to choose from; different colours for different rooms. Her purse was filled with the many, many possibilities. "How are we _ever_ going to choose any?"

Derek chuckled. "I have no idea."

Meredith laughed as well. "You realize we're screwed, right? We get the keys a week after we get back from New York. We should have the colours and the furniture picked out by now."

"We don't have to have everything ready right away, Mer," Derek offered.

"But..."

Derek slid to a stop and hooked his arms loosely around her waist. He brushed his lips against hers before meeting her eyes. "We'll pick our paint colours by next week so we can have the paint ready when we get the keys. We probably don't want anything delivered until after that anyway, right?"

Meredith sighed. "Right."

He kissed her on the forehead. "You're over thinking. Slow down and enjoy the process. We're getting ready to move into our new home. It should be exciting, not stressful."

Meredith smiled up at her husband. "You're right. I'm just worried we're never going to have everything ready in time."

"There's no timeline," he reminded. "We can take as long or as little time as we want to move in. We'll want to wait a few days after we paint, anyway. In that time we can have the essentials delivered."

"I guess we don't need to have every room furnished when we move in."

He shook his head. "Just the essentials; fridge, stove, maybe a kitchen table. Dishes. Some lamps. Throw rugs..." The floors were all hardwood, so they would be buying some throw rugs.

"You're forgetting one very important thing."

Derek smirked, obviously knowing exactly what she was talking about. "And what would that be?"

"Our bed," she whispered as she hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled him down to her level to kiss him.

"Excellent point," he agreed. "In fact, we should go pick one out right now."

Meredith laughed as her husband threaded his fingers through hers and led her to the mattress department.

"Its mattress-palooza," she announced at the many rows of mattresses.

Derek chuckled. "It's a good thing we have the whole day off."

"Can I help you?" A smiling salesman asked.

"We're looking for a new mattress," Derek explained.

Meredith left Derek to talk size, brand and price with the salesman and wandered down the nearest aisle about half way before she stopped on a whim and collapsed onto the left side of the closest mattress. It was here that Derek and the salesman found her two minutes later.

"This one," she announced, lying on her back with her legs crossed at her ankles.

"Really? The first one you tried?" Derek sounded unconvinced.

She nodded. "Seriously. This is the most comfortable bed _ever_. Come and try." She patted the mattress to her left.

Derek instead walked up the left side of the mattress and nudged her. "You're on my side."

She giggled and shook her head. "I'm comfy here. You get the other side."

He chuckled and nudged her again. "The other side is _your_ side."

With a fake huff, she slid to the center of the mattress, leaving Derek room on 'his' side. He lay beside her with a sigh. "You're right. This is the most comfortable bed ever."

Meredith reached for his hand and threaded their fingers together. "I'm sold."

"Do you want to try any others?"

"You can. I'm staying here."

He laughed. "Helpful."

"You just don't want to admit that I found the right bed on the first try."

"How do you know it's the right one if you won't try any others?"

"I just know." She rolled onto her side, her head propped up on her right hand. She reached her free hand to rest on his shoulder. Derek covered her hand with his, and she smiled when their rings clinked together. It was moments like this that she felt truly married, even if they were lying on a mattress together in the middle of a department store with an eager salesman at the foot of the bed.

"Well, she's the boss," Derek joked to the salesman.

Meredith laughed. "You like it, too."

Derek nodded and sat up. "I do." He addressed the salesman again, "If we order it today, can we wait to have it delivered for about two weeks?"

The salesman nodded. "We'll hold for up to sixty days."

"Perfect. We'll take it."

The salesman nodded. "You know, I've been working here for five years, and I'm pretty sure you're my easiest customers ever."

* * *

**Monday**

Monday morning was dark and rainy, making it extra hard to return to work after a day off. Meredith had gotten soaked running through the parking lot from her car to the hospital when she arrived. Derek had had an early surgery, so he had left hours before her, taking with him the umbrella and raincoat she kept stashed in his car.

"What the hell happened to you?" Cristina asked as Meredith stumbled into the Residents' Lounge with five minutes to spare until she had to meet her interns.

"It's raining," Meredith announced. "Pouring, actually. How did you not get wet?"

Cristina shrugged. "I was here last night. I haven't been outside in thirty-six hours."

Meredith made a face as she tried to run her fingers through her damp hair. "I hate rain."

"You shouldn't live in Seattle, then. Or, you should invest in an umbrella."

"I have an umbrella."

"Then you should us it."

"Thank you for that ingenious piece of advice," she said sarcastically.

Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Someone's in a good mood."

Meredith sighed as she peeled her wet jeans off and replaced them with scrub pants. "I just don't want to be here today, you know? Yesterday was a good day, but I still feel like there's so much to do. We're going to New York in three days, and then we get the new house a week after we get back."

"You're not planning on moving in right away, though, right?"

"I was hoping we'd be able to move in by the end of the month. We really just have to paint first."

"Have you chosen colours?"

Meredith pulled a stack of slightly soggy paint chips from her purse. "No, but we have the colours narrowed down to only about a thousand..." She said dryly. She and Derek had gone through the many, many possibilities the night before while they ate dinner. They had made considerable progress narrowing down the choices by room, but still had decisions to make.

Cristina laughed. "Yeah, good luck with that. Why don't you just hire a decorator or something?"

Meredith stared at her best friend. "I'm sorry. I don't understand what you just said." The last words she ever expected Cristina Yang to say was a suggestion at hiring a decorator.

"It's the California in me," Cristina said as explanation.

Meredith laughed. "We want to do this ourselves." She pinned half a dozen beige paint chips to the back wall of her cubby. "We've narrowed the living room colour down to these."

Cristina sidled up to take a look at the paint chips as Meredith exchanged her damp shirt for a scrub top.

"I like the third one," Cristina announced after examining each option. "It's soft enough that you can accent it with anything."

Again, Meredith stared at her best friend. "Okay, seriously, who are you and what have you done with Cristina Yang?"

"My mother redecorates for fun. Some of it had to rub off."

Meredith turned her attention back to the paint chips. "So, the third one?"

Cristina nodded.

"I liked it, too."

"I'm repainting," Cristina announced. "Did I tell you that?"

"No."

"I'm painting the bedroom walls red. Like blood. It's comforting."

Meredith laughed. "See, now I recognize you. Do you need help?" She gave up trying to work her fingers through her damp hair and simply pulled it back into a pony tail.

Cristina shook her head. "Nope. I think it's something I need to do myself. Burke was so anal about everything being just the way he wanted it. He'd freak if he knew I was painting his very neutral walls bright red. It makes me happy."

"Well, that's good, I guess. What does Callie think?" Callie had moved in with Cristina recently. She was crashing on the couch in the living room. Meredith definitely hadn't seen their living arrangements coming, and wouldn't have thought it would work out, but had to admit that Cristina and Callie were doing well as roommates. She wondered if their success had anything to do with their recent shared experience in failing relationships.

Cristina shrugged. "She's still trying to convince me to let her clean up."

"You should let her clean up a little," Meredith suggested, "At least in her area."

"Maybe."

Meredith pulled her pager from her purse and then shoved her purse into her cubby. "Ready?" She asked as she attached her pager to her waistband.

Cristina nodded.

They left the Residents' Lounge together and made their way towards the intern locker room.

"So, did you and McDreamy find everything you were looking for yesterday?"

"Yes and no. We ordered a mattress and a bedroom set. And we found a living room set that we think will work. We just want to see what the paint looks like before we buy it. And we picked out kitchen appliances, fridge, stove, dishwasher, we just need to measure to make sure they'll fit. We also narrowed the washer and dryer down to two sets. Again, we need to get into the condo to measure. But all of the appliances can be delivered within a week of ordering, so we're not too worried."

"So, a lot of maybes."

"Yeah, but strong maybes."

"That's good."

"Yeah. Derek pointed out that we don't actually have to have everything when we move in; just the basics. We can always add stuff after we move. And a lot of the stuff will be easy to pick up quickly."

"That's true."

"Yeah, and- Crap!"

"What?"

Meredith sighed. "We forgot to buy a freaking wedding present for his freaking sister. Crap. I'm telling you; there's just too much to do."

"What are you going to get her?"

"I have no idea. She's Derek's sister. He's supposed to have some ideas."

Cristina shrugged. "Men are useless."

Meredith laughed, but didn't have a chance to respond as they reached the intern locker room. Only a couple interns were waiting in the hall.

"I've got this," Cristina said, letting herself into the locker room. Meredith could hear her lecturing all of the straggling interns about being on time.

"Hi," Lexie said quietly, approaching Meredith. She had been one of the interns waiting in the hall.

"Hi," Meredith responded, smiling to herself at how normal this was starting to feel. She could get used to having a sort-of-sister to talk to.

"I didn't see you yesterday."

Meredith nodded. "I was scheduled off and actually took the day off."

"That must be nice."

"Yeah, it was, though I hate having to come back today." She paused, debating how much to share. Lexie was her half-sister and Meredith was officially trying. And progress was being made. "Derek and I bought a condo and we take possession at the end of the month. We spent yesterday looking for furniture and stuff."

"That's really exciting."

"Yeah, it is."

"Were you living together before you got married?" Lexie asked quietly.

Meredith nodded. "Unofficially for a lot longer than officially. He moved in with me, which is why we have roommates. He has a trailer in the middle of nowhere. It's beautiful, but far."

"A trailer?"

She smiled. "Yeah. He bought a piece of land when he moved here, and it came with a trailer. Then he met me, so he never needed more. We're planning on building a house on his land one day."

"Wow, that must be really nice, to have such a plan."

"It is," Meredith said honestly. After a lifetime of uncertainty, it was truly comforting to be able to plan so far into the future. She'd never been able to look into the future and know what she wanted for herself before. Now, she looked into the future and she saw her and Derek together, with kids, working at the hospital. She saw herself as a successful surgeon, but one who made time for her family. She saw family trips to New York to spend with Derek's family. She saw her friends acting as aunts and uncles for her kids.

Maybe Lexie, too. They were making progress, after all.

Lexie smiled, though it was quiet and seemed forced.

Meredith cocked her head, taking in Lexie's appearance. The younger Grey seemed awfully tired and tense. Dark circles hugged her eyes. "Are you okay? You look tired."

Lexie hesitated before nodding. "I'm fine. Just adjusting to being an intern, I guess." She offered another forced smile and continued before Meredith could say anything more. "Anyway, uh, eight, slightly embarrassing, I love reality television. Love it. Could watch it _all_ the time."

Meredith laughed at Lexie's embarrassment.

"And nine, I have an eidetic memory."

"Wow, that's lucky. I'm officially jealous."

Lexie smiled and opened her mouth to respond, but the door to the intern locker room swung open and Cristina strode out, with the straggling interns trailing her. "One, Two, Three, let's go," she commanded as she headed down the hall without looking back.

Meredith bit back a laugh at her best friend's behaviour and the now somewhat terrified expression on her own intern's face. "Don't worry, I'm not going to number you," she said, "Unless you piss me off." Confident that her interns looked suitably nervous, Meredith nodded. "We've been assigned to work with Dr. Shepherd today." After yelling at her nosy intern in front of the other two only a week into their internship, none of the three of them had ever brought up Meredith's personal life or relationship with Derek again. She felt more scrutinized by them when she was working with her husband, but they did their best to keep it from her notice, especially the nosy one.

After leading her interns to the neurosurgical floor, Meredith instructed them to pre-round on the patients. As Derek had been in surgery early, neuro rounds were being held later than usual.

"Anything I should know about?" Meredith asked the senior floor nurse behind the desk.

"Nothing remarkable. No changes with the patients."

Meredith nodded. "Good."

"And Dr. Shepherd called from the OR. He said he'd be here in about fifteen minutes for rounds."

"Thank you."

Meredith left her interns to pre-round on the patients and headed to the closest coffee cart. She hadn't had a chance to get coffee that morning with the rain and the bad mood. Now, she ordered two large coffees and headed back to the neuro floor.

Derek was reviewing a chart at the Nurses' Station when she returned.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted, placing a coffee onto the counter and sliding it towards him.

He smiled warmly at her. "Dr. Grey-Shepherd," he responded, reaching for the coffee she was offering, "Is this a bribe?"

Meredith laughed. "Yes."

He took a sip. "Thank you."

"How was your surgery?"

"Routine."

"That's good."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed. "How was your morning?"

"Well, you stole my umbrella, so I got soaked on the way here..."

"I didn't steal your umbrella."

"You did," she insisted. "I started leaving it in your car because we drive in together so much. So, even if it wasn't on purpose, you stole it." She smirked.

Derek chuckled. "I remembered that it was in my car-"

"So, you stole it on purpose?"

"So, I left it in the front hall for you this morning," He corrected.

"You...what?"

He smirked. "And here I was thinking I was a good husband, and you don't even appreciate my efforts."

"You left it in the front hall? Really?"

He nodded.

She made a face. "I was in a hurry. I didn't even notice." She sighed. "Thank you for the effort."

He bumped her shoulder. "I try."

Meredith laughed. "You know what we forgot to get yesterday?"

"A wedding present for Lauren?"

She nodded. "You remembered, too?"

"In the middle of my surgery."

"What are we going to do?"

"We'll think of something. We still have time."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, your eternal optimism is really annoying at times."

He laughed. "We have three days. And worst case scenario, we can pick up something once we get to New York."

Meredith sighed. "We're horrible people."

"No, we'll be horrible people if we completely run out of time and give her a check on her wedding day."

She laughed. "We definitely can't write her a check."

"We'll think of something."

"Why couldn't she just register like a normal person?"

"_We_ didn't register," he pointed out. "Are you saying we're not normal?"

"We didn't have a ceremony. We never expected, or got, any presents. She's having a ceremony; she should register."

Derek smiled and shook his head in that way that said he was amused by her explanation. "We'll figure it out," he reassured. "Worst case scenario, we can get her a gift card."

"How is a gift card better than a check?"

He shrugged. "It's one step above tacky."

"The distant cousin or high school friend can get away with money or gift cards. We're family. We should get her something more personal."

Derek smiled at her.

"What?"

Despite the lack of privacy, he leaned close and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "You said we were family. _We_, not just me."

Meredith shook her head at the realization of what she'd done. She made a face. "It's your fault, you know. You're making me into this warm, gooey, family oriented person. And your stupid optimism is starting to rub off."

He rolled his eyes in good nature. "Sorry," he said dryly.

"You should be."

Derek laughed and bumped her shoulder. "We'll think of something suitable for _our_ sister in time for her wedding."

* * *

**Tuesday**

Meredith was much more upbeat when she arrived at the hospital Tuesday morning than she had been the day before. It wasn't raining, so she arrived dry, which was an improvement on the previous day. She and Derek had driven in together, and had discussed a few wedding present options for his sister. They hoped to get out after work that night, buy a present, have dinner and get home in time to start packing.

Arriving early for their shifts, Meredith and Derek took the time to stop at the coffee cart by the front doors of the hospital.

"I'm sorry you're not still on my service today," he said as they waited in line for the best coffee in the hospital.

"Me too, but at least I'll have a quiet day." She was floating between post ops and the ER. With any luck, she would get out on time and their scheduled evening would work out.

They reached the front of the line and ordered their coffees. Meredith put lids on the cups as Derek paid.

"Thank you," he said as she passed him his coffee.

"Thank _you_," she countered.

He ducked his head to press a kiss to her cheek. "I'm excited about this weekend."

Meredith smiled. "Me too."

"You're not still worried?"

She shrugged as they made their way to the central elevators. "Maybe a little."

"Mer..."

She offered him a warm smile and reached for his hand. "I'm new to the family thing," she reminded. "My anxiety about your family has nothing to do with your ability to convince me everything will work out. I think I just need to get there to realize it will be okay."

He squeezed her hand. "You know, technically, they're _our_ family now. You even said so yourself yesterday..."

She felt her eyes sting at his words, but in a good way. A happy smile fluttered to her lips. "Sometimes I can't believe I'm actually doing this."

"The family thing?"

She nodded. "I did well with your family. And I'm actually making progress with Lexie and it's not completely freaking me out." She smiled. "I'm doing this."

"You are." They reached the elevators and stepped onto the busy car.

"Do you want to try and grab lunch today?" She asked, knowing he had a quiet day as well.

He nodded. "Sounds good. I'll page you?"

"Okay." The elevator stopped on the second floor. "I'll see you in a few hours."

Derek leaned in to kiss her as he released her hand. "See you."

Meredith stepped off the elevator and made her way to the Residents' Lounge with a smile on her face. With any luck, she would have a quiet day, share lunch with her husband and get a host of chores done that evening.

Unfortunately, as usual for Meredith, things didn't go as planned. Only a few hours after arriving, Alex paged her to the ER, and as soon as she saw the page she just _knew_ her day was going to get worse. Alex hadn't paged her to a particular room; he had paged her to find him.

"Hey, you paged?" She greeted as she arrived in the ER. Alex was making notes in a chart by the central desk. He looked up and shot her an apologetic glance before speaking.

"Yeah, your dad's here."

She blinked. "What?"

"Your dad's here," Alex repeated. "He's drunk, he's noisy and you need to take him off my hands. I have patients to get back to and interns to supervise."

Meredith floundered and shook her head. "Call Lexie. I'm not his babysitter." She turned to leave, wanting nothing to do with Thatcher Grey, but Alex continued.

"I called Lexie. She's not coming. And the next person I'm going to call is the cops, because the guy's ready to get out of here and there's no way he can drive."

Meredith turned back to face Alex. "But..." She may be making progress with Lexie, but she wanted nothing to do with Thatcher. He had caused too much damage, and she feared how she would react if he hurt her again.

Alex shot her a knowing look. He obviously didn't want to dump this on here, but had no choice.

"Meredith!" Thatcher shouted from across the ER, drawing the attention of Meredith, Alex and pretty much everyone else in the area, and destroying any possibility Meredith had of making an escape. Alex's intern was working with him, trying to calm him down, but Thatcher ignored him. "Gosh, it's good to see you!"

Meredith hesitated, wanting more than anything to just walk away, but Alex's look stopped her. And wasn't she just talking to Derek about her ability to do the family thing? She could do this. If nothing more, she could prove she was a bigger person who could rise above the situation. She would be cordial, she would deal with whatever malady had brought him to the ER and she would send him on his way. There would be no drama. If he pulled anything, she would walk away.

"See, that's her. Meredith Grey," Thatcher was saying to Alex's intern as Meredith approached. "That's my daughter."

Alex's intern sent Meredith an uncertain look, obviously uncomfortable. Meredith held out her hand for the chart, and then waved the nervous intern away.

She opened the chart. "It says here you cut your hand? How did you do that?"

"I broke a window," he admitted, obviously drunk as he slurred his words, not that his inebriation hadn't been obvious with the shouting. "It was an accident."

"I'm sure it was." She put the chart down. "Can I see it?"

He lifted his hand to her, and she carefully removed the bandage. The wound was clean cut. It would require only a few stitches. She nodded to herself, grateful this was something she could deal with and something she could deal with quickly. There would be little time for Thatcher to inch his way under her skin.

"How long ago did you do this?"

"Oh, an hour or two. I tried to clean up before I came in, but with it bleeding this much, I thought it better to just come in now and clean up later."

Meredith nodded. "I'm going to have to clean it first and then put in some stitches, okay?"

"Whatever you say, I trust you, Meredith. That boy that was here, he tried, but I said no, I want my daughter to do it."

Meredith said nothing. She didn't feel like the man's daughter, not after everything that had happened between them. Thatcher had had the chance to have her as a daughter when she was a kid, and then again months earlier. She would even have overlooked the slapping thing had he acted like a decent person towards her afterwards, but things hadn't turned out that way. He had abandoned her and his duties as her father, he had taken his anger out on her, and he had blamed her for Susan's death and alienated her from his 'real' family. And he had never shown any sign that he regretted any of it. She could only hope Thatcher would let her fix his hand and then send him home without causing any problems.

"I'm sorry, you know," Thatcher said, taking her by surprise.

Meredith looked up, meeting his eyes. Though he was drunk, he looked sincere. She blinked, unable to find suitable words. The last thing she had expected from the man was an apology.

"I'm sorry. I really, really am," he repeated.

"I'm sure you are," she said, turning her attention back to Thatcher's wound as she reminded herself of the reality of the situation. This was still the man who had hurt her. An apology didn't change anything, especially after so much time had passed.

"Not just for this," he continued, apparently not diverted by her lack of engagement in the conversation. "The last time I was here I said some terrible things to you. Telling you not to come to Susan's funeral? That wasn't your fault; what happened to her. I know that. I know you did everything you could."

Meredith looked up again. Did he really mean what he was saying?

"You're a good doctor, and a fine person." Thatcher shook his head. "You didn't deserve what I said to you. I'm sorry, Meredith. I am. What I said to you that day? I'll regret it until the day I die."

"I, uh..." Meredith stammered, feeling the need to say something, but not what. It felt like one of those moments where you were supposed to know what to say because it could change things.

"I wasn't fair to you, Meredith. I've done wrong by you too many times. Not being around when you were growing up. Blaming you for Susan..." He shook his head. "I've done a lot of things I regret, but I regret this the most. I'm sorry I said those things. And I'm sorry I hit you." He looked away, as if ashamed.

Meredith was silent, unable to find the right words as she focussed on cleaning the cut. She had never expected an apology or anything from Thatcher Grey, so now that she was getting it, she didn't know how to proceed. And she definitely never expected to feel a spark of hope reignite within herself.

"And I'm sorry I didn't know you when you were growing up," he continued. "I've regretted it every day, not knowing you. Not being there for you. Sometimes I still worry about you, but other times I think, you know, maybe it's what made you so strong. Not an excuse for me; not at all. But you are so strong, Meredith. You're stronger than Lexie."

Meredith swallowed hard. "I don't know Lexie that well yet," she admitted.

"You will, I hope, one day," he slurred. "I really want for us to be a family. We should have been from the start, and we would have been if I had been around. But again, maybe that's why you're so strong." He paused. "And the drinking," Thatcher rambled onward, "It's unacceptable. I know that. I know. And I...I don't usually, but today..." He trailed off as his voice cracked. "Today is Susan's...birthday and I..." Tears welled in his eyes and Meredith was suddenly uncomfortable.

"Should I got get Lexie?" This felt like one of those family moments that he would want to share with his daughter.

Thatcher shook his head. "No. Just you. I just want you."

"Okay," Meredith said softly as they fell into silence. Thatcher was grieving his late wife and just wanted her there with him. That was a lot to absorb. She finished cleaning the cut and administered the freezing. Thatcher didn't flinch.

"I'm really sorry about Susan," she offered as she waited for the freezing to take effect. "She was a remarkable person and I really, really liked her."

"She liked you," Thatcher responded, "You and, uh...Darryl?"

"Derek," Meredith corrected gently.

"Derek, of course. I knew that. Seemed like a nice man. You were engaged?"

"Yes," she agreed. "And we, uh, we got married a few months ago."

"You did?"

"Yes."

Thatched smiled sadly. "When you were a little girl, I used to dream of walking you down the aisle on your wedding day."

Meredith reached for the sutures, not knowing how to respond.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Meredith. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. You've had to do everything yourself. All by yourself. I should have made sure you were okay. I should have been there to make sure this man is good enough for you."

Meredith smiled softly as she began the stitches. "I'm okay now," she comforted. "And Derek's a good man."

"You're happy?"

"I am."

"Good. That's all...all I ever wanted for you, Meredith, was for you to be happy. You're a very impressive person, Meredith. And I'm so proud of you. I'm a...lifetime's worth of proud."

Meredith felt her eyes sting, but she blinked away the sensation. "Thank you," she said quietly.

00

After she finished with Thatcher and put him in a cab to send him home, Meredith received a page from her husband, directing her to the bench they had shared a meal on a few days prior. She found him waiting with food.

"Hey," she greeted as she sat beside him.

"Hey," he echoed, leaning over to kiss her before passing her a bottle of water and a salad container.

"Salad, huh?"

He smirked. "It has chicken in it."

"You're a bad influence."

He chuckled. "_No,_ I'm a good influence. You're the bad influence."

She laughed as she opened the container and took a bite. Despite her griping to him – which she doubted she would ever stop doing just because it was fun – she knew her diet was changing for the better. And, surprisingly, she actually enjoyed the salads that he pushed on her – not that she'd ever admit it.

"How's you had going?"

He shrugged. "Quiet. A repaired a shunt."

"Exciting."

"They can't all be exciting days."

"True."

"How about your day?"

"My dad was in the ER," she announced.

"What?" He looked over at her, immediately concerned.

She smiled to tell him it was okay. "Cut his hand; needed some stitches. He's not bad company, actually. He's quite funny and charming...and drunk."

Derek sighed and reached for her hand. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," she said honestly. "He said some things to me that were nice to hear, so..."

"Like what?"

"He apologized for everything, said he was proud of me, stuff like that."

Derek frowned. "Meredith..."

"Is it weird that I like my drunk dad better than my regular dad?"

"I don't think you should like either," he said honestly, clearly still upset with Thatcher's treatment of her months earlier.

"I'm trying to do the family thing," she reminded, "So I'd really appreciate it if my husband could help me with that."

He squeezed her hand. "I'll support you no matter what, but after everything that happened..." He reached his free hand to cup her cheek and met her eyes. His gaze was filled with apprehension.

Meredith laid her hand on his, knowing he was remembering watching Thatcher strike her. "It's okay. I'm okay," she told him. "He didn't do anything damaging; just came in drunk and I stitched up his arm. And he said some things that were nice to hear. I'm not saying he's suddenly my father or that I trust him or anything. I'm just saying maybe I shouldn't completely write him off."

Derek brushed his thumb across her cheek. "It's not that I don't want you to have a father, Mer. I just know you deserve better than him."

She smiled. "He said the same thing, actually, after acknowledging everything he's done wrong."

"What else did he say?"

"That he was proud of me. He said he was a lifetime's worth of proud."

Derek's eyes pinched.

Meredith offered him a comforting smile, knowing he was only concerned because he loved her _that_ much. "I love you," she whispered, "And I appreciate how much you care, but this isn't a catastrophe. I'm okay, and even if nothing more ever happens with him, I'll still be okay."

He hooked his arm around her and pulled her close. "I love you, too. And I know it's not a catastrophe," he chuckled at her term, "But the last time he was here..." He sighed. "I just don't want you to have to deal with him. You deserve to not have to deal with him.

"This isn't like last time," she stated as she pressed close to him. "I'm not going to let him hurt me again."

Derek said nothing as he ran his hand up and down along her spine.

Meredith lifted her head to meet his eyes. His were filled with anxiety. "Hey," she murmured, "I'm okay. I don't have my hopes up and I won't let him hurt me again."

"Okay." He kissed her.

"Okay," she echoed, before offering him a warm smile. "I feel okay about this; the whole family thing. Your family. Lexie and Thatcher. I'm actually doing this."

He offered her a smile, but his eyes betrayed his true feelings.

She sighed. "Derek..."

He kissed her again. "Just...know that I'm here."

She laid her head on his shoulder and threaded her fingers through his. "Thank you."

Several hours later, Meredith was still in a good mood. Her day had stayed relatively quiet, and there was no reason to believe she and Derek weren't going to get off work on time. They had parted after her lunch break was up, with plans to leave together in the afternoon. Derek had smiled and kissed her, but the anxiety had still been lining her eyes. She assumed he was just worried for her, which was a fair concern after everything he had helped her through. She would have to convince him she really was okay.

Still in a relatively upbeat mood about her interaction with Thatcher that morning, she smiled when she spotted Lexie at the Nurses' Station. The sister thing was getting easier and easier, and maybe the Thatcher thing would offer another bonding moment.

"Hey," she greeted as she passed her pile of post-op charts back to the nurse behind the counter. She had been preparing her ninth and tenth items to tell Lexie all day.

Lexie barely looked up from the chart she was notating.

Meredith frowned as she took him Lexie's tense stature. "Everything okay?"

"It's fine," Lexie snapped.

"See, now, that's a Grey thing, too. We like to say we're fine when we're really not," she said lightly.

Lexie dropped her pen and turned an annoyed look towards Meredith. "Is there something you need?"

Meredith stammered for a moment, uncertain of how to respond. Lexie had rarely been anything but enthusiastic and friendly towards her, but Thatcher's earlier words filtered into Meredith's thoughts. _Susan's Birthday_. She sighed. Lexie must have had a hard day. She should know she wasn't struggling alone. "Your, uh, dad was in the ER today."

"I know."

"He was drunk and put his hand through a window."

"Yeah, anything else?"

Meredith resisted the urge to react to Lexie's tone, reminding herself that Lexie had every right to be in a bad mood today. "I know it was Susan's birthday today," she said quietly, "And I'm sure it was a very hard day for the both of you. I'm sorry."

Lexie's eyes flashed, causing Meredith to continue, wanting to make the younger Grey feel better. "And he wasn't actually a problem. He was kind of charming, but he seemed very sad," she continued, wanting Lexie to know she wasn't alone, "And I'd hate to see it happen again. So, maybe you should think about keeping a better eye on him. Maybe you could spend some more time with him?" She offered Lexie a smile, but was shocked by the reaction she got.

"Every day is my mother's birthday," Lexie hissed. "My mother was born in March. He lied to you. He's a liar," she said angrily. "And I'm glad, really, glad that you found him charming. I'm sure he was delightful. He's a blast after five drinks. Not so much after nine, though. He gets a little weepy and mean."

"I..." Meredith tried to come up with something to say, but Lexie's angry expression coupled with the shock of the information left her speechless.

"He's a drunk, Meredith," Lexie announced, leaving no room for misinterpretation. "He probably came in and told you how wonderful you are, or how sad he is that he doesn't get to spend more time with you. I know because I've heard it all and I know he doesn't mean any of it."

Meredith shook her head, not wanting to hear more as the hope she'd stupidly allowed herself to have came crashing down around her.

Lexie continued, unhindered, "You know, yesterday he said that I was his favourite daughter. The day before, I was an ungrateful bitch. The week before, he wrote me a check for twenty-thousand dollars because he said I deserved everything life had to offer, because he was so proud of me; a lifetime's worth of proud." Her voice cracked at the last statement.

Meredith felt like she'd been slapped again, but she couldn't make her feet work to leave the area. She'd really thought he'd been sincere. She'd really thought he was sorry.

"So, you can't listen to anything he says, because it's not about you. It's about a pint and a half of Dewar's. So, thank you, for letting me know I have to keep a better eye on him. Thanks," Lexie practically spat before pushing past Meredith and storming down the hall.

Meredith felt the breath leave her lungs as she stumbled back against the wall. It felt like _before_ all over again. Thatcher slapping her. Thatcher screaming at her in front of the whole hospital. Thatcher blaming her for Susan's death and banning her from the funeral.

She'd been so determined not to let Thatcher cause anymore damage that she hadn't even seen it coming from Lexie.

Her eyes stung, but she was determined not to cry. Not here. Not now. Not with everyone staring. Again. She tried to breath, but it hurt. Her chest was tight and wouldn't co-operate.

"Meredith," the Chief said quietly, appearing beside her.

As much as she tried, she couldn't respond. She could barely acknowledge his presence.

He said something, but she couldn't make sense of his words. She was breathing too fast, and knew she was on the verge of a panic attack. She shut her eyes and shuddered.

"Meredith," the Chief tried again, but she just couldn't respond. It was all she could do to remain upright as she struggled to retain some control of her breathing.

He took her arm, and suddenly he was guiding her down the hall. She stumbled numbly beside him until they reached his office, and allowed him to seat her on the couch. She pulled her knees to her chest and closed her eyes again.

The Chief said some things to her as he puttered around the room, but she ignored him and focussed on calming her breathing. Being away from prying eyes was helping. Her chest was loosening its hold on her breathing.

Tears welled in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. She was better than this. She may have been stupid to allow herself to have hope on the family front, but she would not be weak about it now. "I'm okay," she managed to say.

"I know," the Chief said quietly. "I'm just giving you a moment to collect yourself."

She nodded, and managed to inhale an entire breath, hold it and then slowly exhale. Progress.

"Thank-thank you," she stammered.

"Don't you worry about this. Just focus on breathing."

She did. The pull to hyperventilate gradually lessened. She opened her eyes and dropped her feet to the floor so she was sitting normally. She sniffed. "I'm sorry about all this."

"Meredith, please," the Chief said. He was sitting opposite her on the coffee table. "You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all." He offered her a glass of water.

"I'm keeping you from doing your job," she said flatly, accepting the glass, but not taking a sip yet. Instead, she held it in her lap with both hands wrapped tightly around the cool glass. Her throat still felt too thick and raw to handle any liquid.

He smiled. "This is my job. At least part of it. Think of it as the principal's office, only I'm the nice principal."

She smiled at his attempt to make her feel better. "Thank you."

"Anyway, I promised your mom I'd take care of you."

"I told you that you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't," he sighed. "But I do."

Meredith sighed.

"I'm not interfering anymore. I promise. I just want to make sure you have what you need to be okay."

As if perfectly timed, there was a knock at the door. "Chief, you paged?" Derek said as he pushed open the door.

Meredith looked up at the familiar voice, grateful that Richard had known to page her husband.

Derek's curious expression immediately morphed into concern when he met Meredith's eyes. "What happened?" He let himself into the office and hurried towards her.

The Chief stood. "I have to get back to the floor. Just close the door when you leave."

Derek took Richard's spot on the coffee table. He took the glass out of her grasp and then reached for her hands. "Are you okay?"

She sniffed and shook her head. "No, not really."

He moved to sit beside her on the couch. "I'm here," he whispered.

"Lexie yelled at me," she said quietly, ignoring the pain caused by the memory. She and Lexie had been making progress. She sniffed as tears that she couldn't keep contained welled in her eyes. "You were right. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up."

Derek sighed and pressed his forehead against the side of her head. "Oh, Mer, I'm sorry."

Meredith grasped onto his arm and closed her eyes, allowing her husband to hold her and remind her of what she had.


	109. One Week Part 2

_**AN: Part two of the one week count down to the trip to New York. 'Wednesday' very closely follows the episode Crash Into Me, so I apologize if it's a bit of chore to read, but I needed to include everything to set up Meredith's mood/reaction. I tried to add as much as I could to keep it interesting.**_

_**To address a few questions; yes, I will be writing Meredith and Derek's weekend away at Lauren's wedding, but it won't be too extravagant. Also, Meredith and Lexie will work things out. It can't be too easy for them, so there have to be some issues like the last chapter. I already know exactly how I'm going to proceed with them and I'm looking forward to writing it.**_

* * *

**Wednesday**

Meredith sighed as she followed Cristina, Izzie, Callie and Bailey out to the ambulance bay. She hadn't slept well the night before and she was disappointed with herself for falling into the same trap as the last time she allowed herself to believe she could have a real relationship with the Greys. She and family just didn't exist well together. She knew that. She had plenty of experience to tell her that, but still, she let Lexie in. And she let herself have hope with Thatcher. And she had been blindsided. Again.

Derek had been hovering since arriving in the Chief's office the day before. She appreciated it, but at the same time wished he would lose the anxiety in his expression. She knew he was worried about her falling into the same state as the last time Thatcher had shattered her, but she had grown since then. She had moved on. She didn't need anything from Thatcher Grey for her to feel like she was a successful person. She had Derek and her friends, and even Derek's family, and that was all she needed.

Izzie and Cristina exchanged barbs, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. The two residents were competing for Hahn's approval, and with it every potential cardiothoracic patient. And it was getting annoying. Although she would normally jump in and compete for the patient as well, Meredith hung back, not having the energy or the drive to fight for a patient. She just wanted to get her shift over with so she could go home and pack. She and Derek were flying to New York the next morning, and she was looking forward to their long weekend away.

"What have we got?" Bailey called as the paramedics opened the back doors of the ambulance.

"Jacob Nolston, forty-seven, status two weeks post double bypass surgery," the paramedic announced as they slid the patient out of the ambulance on the transport gurney. "He's presenting as febrile with tenderness in his surgical incision."

Bailey nodded and began wheeling him into the hospital.

"We've got a ten car pileup on the freeway, do you mind taking him from here?" One of the paramedics asked. The normal procedure would be for the paramedics to accompany the patient into the ER, but in cases like this, they would leave immediately.

Bailey turned to her residents. "Get me a gurney for the transfer."

"I'll page Hahn," Izzie and Cristina announced at the same time.

"Clearly we all agree on a course of action. When we get him inside, you can flip for it," Bailey snapped at them.

Meredith rolled her eyes and stepped back into the hospital for a gurney, knowing neither Izzie nor Cristina was about to step away from the patient. When she returned, they were quick to transfer the patient, and Izzie and Cristina immediately pushed as close to the gurney as possible, as if claiming the patient as theirs.

Izzie and Cristina continued to argue as Meredith, Callie and Bailey settled the patient on the new gurney. Having been shoved away from the patient by Izzie and Cristina, Meredith huffed, but sirens down the ambulance bay driveway drew her attention. Normally an incoming ambulance would turn off their sirens once they arrived. The ambulance careening around the corner and towards them wasn't showing any signs of turning off its sirens. It also wasn't showing any signs of slowing down.

"Uh, you guys," Meredith said, trying to gain some attention over Izzie and Cristina's bickering, but failing. She turned back to the oncoming ambulance, which still wasn't slowing down. "Seriously, you guys, I think we should move." She shook her head, trying to tell herself she was imagining things, but the ambulance really wasn't going to be able to stop in time. She turned back to the trauma team. "Move!"

This caught everyone's attention. Meredith pushed at the gurney, and the trauma team joined her, pushing the patient as far from harm's way as possible, right in time for the oncoming ambulance to slam head on into the side of the stationary ambulance that had just dropped off the patient. The previously stationary ambulance rolled several times before coming to a stop on its roof.

Meredith stared in shock at the scene before her. The space the ambulance that had dropped off the patient had occupied was strangely empty. One ambulance sat upright, its front smashed in, and the other upside down across the ambulance bay. Its sirens were still blaring. Debris littered the entire area.

Bailey was the first to act. She directed Izzie and Cristina to take the patient into the hospital, and then ran for the upright ambulance. Meredith ran for the upside down ambulance, Callie right behind her. She collapsed next to the shattered passenger side window and stared in at the damage. The driver, Ray, was upside down, hanging by his seatbelt. His partner, Stan, was lying on his back, his body pinned between the cabin and the patient area, as if he had been making his way through when the ambulance had been hit. Both were conscious, bleeding and obviously in a great deal of pain.

"Let's get you guys out of there," she said.

"No," Callie called from the other side of the ambulance cabin. She had knelt down by the driver side window. "We can't. We can't touch anything until Fire stabilizes the rig. It's too dangerous to try and move them if we don't know how the vehicle will hold up."

Bailey called for Callie's help, and Callie met Meredith's eyes through the cabin. "Okay, listen, page someone to help you and keep them talking. You got this?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I got this." So much for her quiet day. "You guys are going to be alright," she said. "Fire will be here soon, and then we'll get you out of there."

"Don't leave," Stan begged, breathing hard. "Please. Don't leave."

"I won't. I promise," she assured. She stretched upright for a moment and yelled for someone to page the Chief, and then ducked back down. Both paramedics were staring at her, their eyes belaying the terror they felt. "Think of it this way, when you guys get out of here, you'll have a great story to tell," she said lightly, trying to make them feel better.

"She's right," Stan said, turning his head to look at his partner. "We can tell the story at Joe's." He turned back to Meredith. "We still need to find Ray a woman."

She smiled.

"Stan met Sarah at Joe's," Ray added.

"Sarah...that's my wife," Stan said, struggling with the words.

Meredith frowned as she glanced at his pinned abdomen and then back at his face. His injuries looked really bad, and he was obviously in a great deal of pain. "You met her at Joe's? Joe's across the street from here?" She asked, trying to keep them talking.

Stan smiled. "Yeah."

She smiled back. "That's where I met my husband."

Stan made a noise that was probably supposed to be a laugh, but looked painful. He turned back to Ray. "See, man, it's not that hard."

"I think...all the good ones...are taken," Ray responded.

Stan turned back to Meredith again. "What's your name?"

"I'm doctor- Meredith. I'm Meredith."

"Meredith," he repeated.

She nodded and shifted slightly. Her knees were already killing her, but there was no way she was leaving her position.

"Meredith," he said again, "Have you ever seen anything like this?"

She shook her head. "Never."

Stan turned back to Ray again. "See, man, we have something new to talk about. The chicks will be all over this. We'll find you a woman in no time."

Meredith smiled at their interaction. "How long have you two been partners?"

"Six years," Ray said.

"Wow, that's a long time."

"This guy wouldn't know what to do without me," Stan said.

She laughed. "It must be nice that you're so close."

"Ray was...best man...at my wedding last year."

"Sounds more like you wouldn't know what to do with each other."

They both laughed.

"Grey!"

Meredith turned around to the sound of her name. The Chief was hurrying across the ambulance bay. "What the hell happened?"

"That ambulance," she said, pointing to the upright rig across the bay, "Crashed into this one. We're waiting on Fire to secure this rig so we can get Ray and Stan, here, out.

Richard ducked down to look inside. "Hello, fellows, I'm Richard Webber, Chief of Surgery. We're going to get you out of here."

"I think, uh, I think you better get us out of here soon," Stan said.

"Please, please get us out of here fast," Ray pleaded.

"I'm afraid 'keep still' is the best we can do for now, but we're working on getting you out soon," Richard said. "We're going to get you some pain meds as soon as possible."

Stan turned to Richard. "Sir?"

"Call me Richard."

"Richard," he started again, "Can you tell me...are my legs broken?"

Richard pushed past Meredith to get a better look. "I...I can't see your legs, Stan."

"Why not?"

"Your body is trapped in the doorway. You can't feel that?"

"No."

Richard's demeanour darkened, despite his attempts to cover it.

"I can't feel it," Stan repeated. "I can't."

Meredith closed her eyes, dreading what was to come. This was really bad.

"I can't feel anything," Stan announced.

"His ears are bleeding," Ray called from his position.

Stan released a sob and then turned to Richard. "Can you get my wife? She works here. She's an x-ray tech."

"You bet," Richard said. He stood, motioning for Meredith to do the same. They could both hear Ray telling Stan he wasn't allowed to die from inside the ambulance.

Richard sighed. "Go and get Stan's wife. Quickly."

Meredith stared at the ambulance. "I...what do we... How do we...?" She turned her gaze to Richard, sure he'd have the answer as to how they would get Stan out alive.

"We don't," he said, shaking his head, knowing exactly what she was asking him.

"But...we have a whole hospital here and-"

Richard cut her off. "The moment we move him, he's going to bleed out. All the medicine in the world won't be able to save him."

"But he-"

"Meredith, we can't save this man. Go get his wife. She has to get here soon if she wants to see her husband alive."

Meredith inhaled a shaky breath and nodded. She then took off at a run. The hospital was busy and buzzing with news of the crash, but Meredith ignored the curious glances as she ran through the halls to the corner of the lower floor that housed the Imaging Department. She was out of breath when she reached the central administrative station.

"I need to speak with an x-ray tech named Sarah," she announced to the woman sitting behind the desk.

The woman glanced up, seemingly uninterested in Meredith. "You'll need to give me a minute."

Meredith shook her head. "No, you won't take a minute. It's an emergency. I need to speak with Sarah. That's an order from the Chief of Surgery."

The woman didn't look convinced.

Meredith huffed and shoved herself away from the desk. She pushed through the 'Authorized Admittance Only' doors, despite the woman's protests. A technician walked by and Meredith grabbed his arm.

"Do you know an x-ray tech named Sarah?"

He looked her up and down, taking in her scrubs and trauma gown. "Uh..."

"It's an emergency," she stressed, "I need to speak with an x-ray tech named Sarah, and the woman you guys have at the front desk is freaking useless. Can you help me?"

The technician's lips curled up slightly at her statement about the woman at the front desk. "Do you know her last name?"

Meredith shook her head. "I know her husband is a paramedic."

The technician called out to a nurse. "Bev, do you know an x-ray tech named Sarah, whose husband is a paramedic?"

The nurse nodded.

Meredith breathed. "Can you take me to her? It's an emergency."

The nurse nodded. "She should be just down here." She led Meredith down the hall to an x-ray viewing room.

"Thank you," Meredith said, "And, uh, you should tell whoever needs to know that they're going to have to call in a replacement for Sarah's shift."

The nurse looked worried. "Is everything okay?"

Meredith shook her head. "No, no it's not." She opened the door and found a petite, dark haired woman sitting at a computer, making some adjustments to the machines. She turned when Meredith entered.

"Can I help you?"

"Are you Sarah?"

The woman nodded.

"And you have a husband named Stan, who is a paramedic?"

An immediate look of concern swept over Sarah's face. "Did something happen? Is he okay?"

Meredith felt her throat tighten. Now that she was here, she had no idea what to say. She took a step forward and wrapped her fingers around Sarah's forearm. "There's been an accident," she said gently. "Stan's been hurt and he's asking for you. I need you to come with me right now."

Despite the look of terror that washed over her face, Sarah nodded and followed Meredith out of the department.

"Is he in the ER?" She asked as they hurried through the hospital hallways.

"Not quite." Meredith sighed. "Look, things are very extreme, but Stan needs you to be calm, okay?"

"You're scaring me."

Meredith nodded. "I'm sorry. It's bad. But we're going to do everything we can to help Stan."

They reached the ER, and Meredith led Sarah through the department and out the doors to the ambulance bay. "There was an accident with the ambulances," she explained, "Stan is in there."

"Oh, my God."

Meredith led her to the ambulance. Sarah immediately dropped onto the ground and crawled as close to her husband as she could. The Fire and Rescue crew had arrived while Meredith had been in the hospital. They had begun work on the ambulance, but stepped back now, giving Stan and Sarah as much privacy as possible for this very important moment.

Meredith stood back, watching what she knew would be Sarah's last interaction with her husband. The Chief came to stand next to her, and for several minutes they watched in silence as Sarah declared her love for her husband and her refusal to leave his side. Clearly, Sarah had inferred everything she needed to know about Stan's condition. Meredith sniffed, knowing she would be doing the same thing if it were Derek trapped in the ambulance. She would never accept that nothing could be done. And she would fight tooth and nail to keep him alive.

"I've never seen her before," she spoke quietly.

"What?"

"Sarah. I didn't know who she was. I've never seen her before. I've worked in this hospital all this time and I've never seen her before. Before today she was a complete stranger to me."

"It happens," Richard said, "It's a big hospital."

"I've never met her before," Meredith repeated, "And yet I'm the person who handed her the worst day of her life. In her story, that's who I am. That's who I'll always be."

Richard laid a hand on Meredith's shoulder. "That's the job."

"That's the job," Meredith echoed. "I know, but I don't like it."

"Neither do I."

"Are you sure there's nothing we can do?" Unable to just watch Sarah sob for her dying husband, she turned to Richard, not caring about the desperate tone in her voice. "There must be something we can do." It seemed so futile to just stand here. The accident was literally feet away from one of the best hospitals in the state. That they couldn't do _anything_ was unthinkable.

"Meredith." He sighed. "You feel helpless."

She nodded.

"Today makes all those other days when you fight to save a life and lose...today makes you grateful on _those_ other days, where you fight and lose, that you had a chance to do anything at all. You take it in now."

Meredith tried to turn back to the scene, but was just in time to watch a firefighter drag Sarah, now sobbing uncontrollably and screaming for her husband, away from the ambulance. She had to turn away, unable to watch, as she couldn't help but relate this experience to herself. If it were Derek, she'd be broken. If it were Derek, she'd do _anything_ to stay with him in this moment. As much as she knew it was important that Sarah not be in the way, Meredith wouldn't have accepted it either. And she couldn't imagine being dragged from her husband's side as the last time she got to see him alive.

"It's time," Richard said quietly once Sarah's cries had died away.

Meredith turned back around and took a breath, wanting to be anywhere but here. Her eyes stung painfully, her throat was so thick it was hard to swallow and her heart was aching in her chest. After collecting herself as best she could, she followed Richard to the ambulance and crouched down beside him.

"The moment they pull apart the rig, we're going to come in and grab you," Richard was explaining to the two terrified paramedics.

"You take Stan first," Ray demanded.

"Once we get in there and assess-" Richard began, only to be cut off.

"You take Stan first!" Ray repeated vehemently.

Stan turned to his partner. "Ray, I think I'm going to be okay. I'm starting to feel better."

"Don't you screw with me, man."

"I'm not," Stan insisted. "I'm probably not as bad as I think. I'm probably just paralyzed." He turned to Meredith and Richard. "Do you think, maybe, I can get out of here and just be paralyzed?"

Meredith felt her heart aching in her chest. The man was terrified and clearly knew he wasn't going to make it. He had just said goodbye to his wife, and now he was trying to make things better for his friend.

Richard said nothing, so Meredith jumped in, wanting to give both men some hope. "It's possible. It happens."

"Really?" Ray asked.

Meredith nodded.

Stan nodded. "Is my wife inside?"

Again, Meredith nodded.

"She won't see any of this?"

"No, she won't see it."

"And you'll be where I can see you?"

"I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere," she promised, settling down to make a point. She would lay there and watch this man die if that was all she could do to help him.

"Okay. Then let's do this."

Meredith wiped a tear off of her face as Richard stood to direct the rescue team. She took a breath and prepared for a moment that she knew she'd carry with her for the rest of her life.

Machinery sounded nearby, but she didn't take her eyes off of the paramedics. A cracking sounded as the ambulance began to rip apart. Still, she didn't move. Then something happened, and Stan began yelling for them to stop.

"Stop!" She yelled, relaying the message. "Stop!"

Richard knelt back down. "What is it?"

"Ray...Ray's back..." Stan stammered. "Something came through...it's in deep. He'll bleed out if you move us."

"Ray!" Richard called, but the drive was unresponsive. Richard hurried to the other side of the cabin and knelt down again. "Ah, it's the oxygen regulator. It's embedded in his back. Ray? You still with us?"

Ray moaned. "I'm here, but my pulse is weak. I can feel it..."

"He's sweaty and breathing fast...and with the angle of that regulator..."

Meredith tired to get a better look from her angle, "It's probably a cardiac tamponade." Ray's pericardium was filling with blood, putting undue pressure on his heart.

"If that regulator caused a tear in his heart and we move him..."

"The tear could get bigger," Meredith finished.

"Please don't let it flood my heart," Ray begged.

Meredith swallowed hard, not knowing if it was better or worse that the patient understood exactly what he was facing.

"It'll be okay," Richard said. "It just means we'll stabilize you in the ambulance before we move here." He paused to address the other paramedic. "Stan, you're a hero, man. You saved Ray's life."

Stan didn't respond.

Meredith looked down and felt her heart tug in her chest. Stan was dead. The ambulance had been shifted enough that he had bled out. He'd given up any slim chance he had by saving his friend's life. And then he'd passed away in the moments they'd been focussed on his partner. She let herself cry as Ray reacted to his fallen partner.

Richard disappeared from view. She could hear him in the background, ordering supplies and calling for Hahn, but she couldn't pull herself from the scene. Stan was dead, Ray might die, and Sarah was alone.

Why did these things have to happen?

"I can't be in here!" Ray cried out in grief and desperation. "I'm going to die! I'm going to die like Stan!"

"Ray!" Meredith shouted. "You can't move. Stop moving."

"He's dead! He's dead!"

"I know, but Ray. Ray! Look at me," she demanded, finding her voice in her sudden determination to make sure Ray got out of the ambulance alive. "Don't look at Stan, look at me!" She called, forcing Ray to look past his friend to meet Meredith's eyes. "You are not going to die today. Okay? Say it."

He shook his head.

"Say it!"

"I'm...not going to die today."

"Good. We are doing _everything_ we can for you. I am going to do everything I can for you, okay? We couldn't save Stan, there was nothing we could have done, but we _will_ save you, do you hear me? I will be here the entire time."

"Oh-okay." He met her eyes and she held his gaze.

"He needs a pericardiocentesis if it's truly a tamponade, but we'll need an ultrasound to make sure," Richard said quietly to Meredith. He glanced uncertainly at the ambulance, clearly not knowing how they were going to treat Ray at all.

Meredith nodded her agreement. "I can do it."

"Meredith..."

"I can do it," she insisted. "I can fit."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I told Ray I'm going to do everything I can for him."

"Okay, get in and we'll pass you supplies as we get them."

Meredith took a breath. "I'm coming in, Ray," she announced, before pressing herself into the small opening.

"Take it slow," Richard warned, "There's glass all around you."

The glass stung her arms and knees as she moved forward, but she ignored it, her focus on carefully inching her way around Stan's body. "I'm sorry, Stan, I'm so sorry," she murmured as she crawled over his body. She stopped as close as she could get to Ray and crouched on her knees.

Richard passed a pair of medical scissors through to her, and she carefully began cutting Ray's uniform away from his chest to prepare for the ultrasound.

"This isn't how I usually...let girls see me naked for the...first time," Ray said groggily.

Meredith smiled, grateful Ray was with it enough to try and make a joke. "Just don't tell my husband, okay?"

"Okay."

"How's it going in there?" Richard called.

"I've almost got the shirt open," Meredith called back. "Just a few more moments." She finished and put the scissors down. "Is the ultrasound ready?"

"It'll just be a moment."

Meredith sighed. "Just another few minutes, Ray, hang in here for me, okay?"

"I'm...trying..." He said slowly.

Meredith frowned and reached her fingers to check his pulse. With the lining of his heart filling with blood, it was important to relieve the pressure as quickly as possible, or his heart would stop and he would die.

"Chief!" She called, prompting the outside world.

"It's here," Richard called. "Just a few seconds to get it ready."

"Can you...close his...eyes," Ray requested, holding his head faced away from Stan's body.

Meredith nodded. "I'm sorry." She reached beside herself to close Stan's eyes.

"I can't believe he's gone," Ray whispered.

"I know. I know you can't. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you are going to make it out of here, do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"Okay."

"Here it is, Meredith," Richard called, passing the ultrasound wand through the cabin.

Meredith took it and immediately pressed it to Ray's chest. "You're going to have to guide me. With Ray being upside down, I'm not sure about the anatomy..."

"Start low on the chest and point the wand upwards. We'll start from there."

Meredith did so. "Can you see anything yet?"

Richard, being able to see the output on the monitor, guided her through several adjustments. "There," he finally said. "Hold it there." There was a pause. "Yeah, his pericardium is full of blood."

"That's not good," Ray mumbled, "Not good at all."

"It's going to be okay," Meredith assured. "It just means we're going to relieve the pressure before we move you."

"...his anatomy is all screwed up because he's hanging upside down," Richard could be heard ranting outside the ambulance. "Where is Hahn?"

"I'm here, Chief," Hahn's voice could be heard.

"That's good," Meredith said to Ray. "Dr. Hahn is here. She's the head of cardio. She's who we want to be out there helping us in here."

"What's the situation?" Hahn asked.

"Paramedic hanging upside down with a cardiac tamponade. His pericardium is filling with blood. Grey's in there with him. She's prepared to do a pericardiocentesis, but we need your help for the approach. With his anatomy like this, we need your expertise on the best way in."

Ray closed his eyes as they listened to Richard and Erika Hahn discuss the best approached the pericardiocentesis.

Meredith took a moment to breathe. Not one who normally suffered from claustrophobia, Meredith felt like the walls around her were closing in. She had no space to move and couldn't avoid Stan's body, regardless of how hard she tried.

She tried to imagine herself performing the procedure flawlessly, despite the odds against her. A pericardiocentesis was a procedure that required precision on a horizontal patient in a trauma room. To stick a needle into his chest and locate Ray's pericardium without piercing his heart or collapsing his lung while Ray hung upside down would take confidence, a steady hand and a lot of luck. She had to convince herself that she could do this.

Taking a deep breath, Meredith closed her eyes and imagined Derek there with her, looking into her eyes, without a hint of doubt in his own, and telling her she could do this. And just like so many months earlier when she had been holding her hand on a bomb, she found the strength to believe in herself.

"With the position of his body, the blood won't be pooled to the base of the heart,"  
Richard was saying outside.

"I'd still go subxiphoid rather than parasternal," Hahn responded.

"Did you hear that, Meredith?" Richard called.

"Yeah," Meredith called back. She'd put the needle in below the ribcage and not through the ribs. "Is the kit ready yet?"

"I'm just getting it ready for you now."

"Good. We don't have a lot of time." Ray's pulse was concerning her. The pressure was building fast, and pretty soon his heart was going to give out.

"How are you doing, Ray?"

He nodded. "Hanging in."

"Good."

"Grey," Hahn called into the ambulance. "You've got to be careful with this technique. If you aim the needle incorrectly, you could nick the very thin-walled right atrium."

Ray flinched at the warning. As a paramedic, he had the medical training to know exactly what she was about to do to him, and the risks that came along with it.

"I know," she called back, trying to stop any further warnings from coming through and terrifying her patient even further.

"That could cause a cardiac rupture," someone who Meredith thought sounded like Izzie said outside the ambulance.

"A rupture, a tension pneumothorax," Hahn continued. "Basically, there's about six different ways she could kill him."

"Is she...talking about me?" Ray cried.

"Don't listen to them," Meredith said with as much comfort in her voice as she could. She then turned around as best she could. Her hand and knee brushed against Stan's body, but she pushed the thought from her mind. "Dr. Hahn," she called, catching the attention of the cardiothoracic surgeon.

"What, Grey?" Hahn crouched down to meet her eyes.

She glared up at the attending. "Shut up," she hissed. "Ray can hear you."

Hahn had the decency to look sorry. "Sir, you're going to be fine," she called to Ray.

"She doesn't think that," Ray whispered to Meredith when she turned back to him. "She thinks I'm going to die."

"She's new," Meredith offered as explanation. "That means she doesn't know how good I am yet."

"You're that good?"

"I am," she insisted, trying to instil confidence in her patient.

"Here's the eighteen gage," Richard called.

Meredith accepted the needle and then turned back to Ray. Her body brushed against Stan's again, but she didn't allow herself to think about it. Stan was past help now and Ray needed her focussed.

"That's a really big needle."

"I know. I'm sorry. But this is the only way."

Ray moaned.

"Close your eyes and don't look at it," she instructed.

Ray closed his eyes.

"I'm going to go in under your xiphoid process, okay?"

"Okay."

Meredith reached to locate the patient's xiphoid process and then moved two fingers to the left to find the best entry. She lined up the needle.

"Angle towards the left shoulder, but don't stab," Richard instructed. "Don't hit the ventricle and don't drop the lung."

"Okay."

"Wait!" Ray cried as she prepared to start. "Stop. Please stop."

"It's going to be okay."

"No. Stop. Please, stop."

She took the needle down. "Ray..."

"No, please. Tell Sarah I'm sorry about Stan."

"You're going to tell her yourself."

"I can't...I..."

"What's taking so long?" Richard called.

"He's not ready."

"I'm trying not to be scared," Ray cried. "I don't want to die scared."

"You're not going to die," Meredith insisted.

"Ray, listen to me," Richard spoke up. "It's good to be scared. It means you have something to lose."

Ray took a shuddery breath and turned his attention back to Meredith. "Are you scared?"

"All the time," she assured.

He nodded. "Okay. Okay, I'm ready."

She repositioned the needle. "Okay, on three."

"No, don't count. Just-"

Meredith inserted the needle.

Ray gasped and fell silent.

"It's in, Chief," she called.

"Okay," Richard called back. "Slowly press the needle forward."

She did so, stopping several times to draw the syringe back. As soon as the action drew blood, she would know she had pierced the pericardium.

"Nothing yet."

"Keep going."

She did, but shook her head at the distance. "I feel like I'm going in too far."

"Okay, pull back and try angling a little further forward."

Meredith carefully withdrew the needle far enough to avoiding damaging the heart or lung and then pushed forward again with the new angle. On the second try, she drew blood.

"Okay, okay I got it." She slowly drew as much blood from the pericardium as possible, relieving the dangerous pressure on the heart.

"That feels good," Ray whispered. "I can breathe better."

"See," Meredith responded, "I told you I'm that good." She withdrew the needle and passed it back to Richard.

"Th-thank you."

"We're getting you out of here right now, okay, Ray?"

"Okay. Okay."

Meredith turned and crawled out of the cabin so that the rescue crew could extract Ray.

Richard met her the moment she was out and helped her to her feet.

"You're bleeding."

She shook her head. "It's Ray's blood." She was shaking now that she was out from the horror of the ambulance where she had been hovering over a dead man's body while she fought to save his friend.

"I don't think so." Richard pulled at the trauma sleeve on her arm, showing them both a large rip in the fabric. "You've got a three inch laceration on your forearm. It'll probably need stitches."

"I can't even feel it," she said as Richard applied a temporary dressing.

"That's the adrenaline. Make sure you get this looked at right away, okay?"

She nodded numbly.

"You stayed calm, focussed and efficient in a very stressful situation. That's very impressive."

Meredith tucked her injured arm to her chest and covered it with her good arm. "I was scared," she admitted, feeling her body trembling now that the adrenaline was wearing off. Behind Richard she could see the rescue crew extracting Ray and putting him on a gurney.

"But you did it anyway. And you did it well. You kept Ray calm. You stood up to Hahn. Like I said; impressive."

She couldn't make her mind work enough to accept his praise. Nothing made any sense.

"I'm going to go with Ray," Richard explained. "Get that arm looked at and then go home. You don't need to be seeing anymore patients today. Okay?"

"Okay," Meredith agreed quietly, watching as the Chief headed into the ER with Ray. She turned back to the ambulance and watched with tears in her eyes as the rescue crew carefully extracted Stan's body from the wreckage. His injuries were clearly fatal, but that didn't make her feel any better. Richard was right; she would have felt better if she could have at least tried to save him. To be able to do nothing at all was unbearable.

She didn't know how long she stood there, silent, watching, as a gurney was brought out and Stan's body was loaded into a body bag and then wheeled away. Still, she stood, staring at the wreckage before her.

A man was dead. His wife was devastated. His partner may not live. And less than two hours earlier everyone had been fine. Ray and Stan had been working together, their focus on their patients and not on themselves. Sarah had been working in the Imaging Department, expecting to return home to her husband that night.

Now, she'd never return to her husband again. She'd never see him alive again, would never speak with him again. Would never be able to tell him she loved him or kiss him again.

Stan and Sarah had met at Joe's. Just like Meredith and Derek. She closed her eyes and fought the urge to sob. This was all too real and too close to home.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd?" A quiet voice called from beside her.

She opened her eyes to meet the concerned gaze of an ER nurse. "They're going to move the ambulance now. We need to move out of the way." She was still standing in the middle of the ambulance bay.

Meredith nodded. "Okay."

"Are...are you okay?"

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know," she whispered.

"Do you need anything?"

_My husband._ Meredith needed her husband. She nodded. "I have to go." She turned and headed into the hospital. She tossed her soiled trauma gown into the biohazard bin by the door, and then headed for the surgical wing. Derek's name was still on the OR Board, so she headed there to wait.

Thankfully, Derek was in the scrub room when Meredith arrived, scrubbing out, one of Cristina's interns beside him at the sink.

Meredith exhaled shakily, just at the knowledge that her husband was alive and well. He was healthy and obviously in a good mood as he conversed with the intern, presumably about the surgery he'd just performed. She leaned against the wall and stared through the scrub room window at her husband as he reached for paper towel to dry his hands.

A nurse walked into the scrub room from the OR and glanced at Meredith. She obviously said something to Derek, because Derek immediately turned around and met Meredith's gaze through the glass. He was smiling when he met her eyes, but it quickly fell away as he took in her expression. He tossed his paper towel into the garbage and then pushed out through the scrub room door.

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head. "No."

He hugged her and the moment his arms were around her, she started to cry. She clutched to the fabric of his scrub top and sobbed openly, burying her face into his chest. "I...I..."

"Shhh," he soothed, running his hand along her spine. "You don't have to say anything. Just breathe."

She did. She ignored the tears streaming from her eyes and focussed on breathing in and out. She pushed thoughts of Ray, Stan and Sarah from her mind, and focussed on Derek. He was alive and well and healthy. And there was no reason to think he wouldn't stay that way. The hospital and the OR hallway fell away. The fact that they weren't in a private area and could have onlookers fell away. It was just her and Derek.

Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm here," he whispered.

Her heart tugged at his tone. She released her hold on his scrub top and shifted to wrap her arms around his neck. He leaned down to her level to accommodate the change in position, and pressed a kiss to the crook of her neck.

"I love you," she whispered fiercely. "I love you so freaking much, Derek. Please don't ever forget that. Please, just...I love you."

"I won't ever forget," he promised, "Because I love you just as much."

She closed her eyes and hugged him as tight as she could. He tightened his hold on her in response, making her feel safer than she had all day. They remained silent for several minutes as he simply allowed her to cry and offered her the comfort of being in his arms. Meredith finally felt her breathing calm down as her tears dried up. She was sure she'd left a giant stain on Derek's scrub top, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She also couldn't bring herself to move. The world always felt better and safer when she was in his arms. He offered her some unidentifiable quality that she'd never experienced anywhere else. Her heart ached for Sarah and Stan and Ray, her normally overwhelming drive to be a doctor seemed like a waste of time and she was exhausted, but being in Derek's arms made her feel stable and grounded.

Slowly, she built up the strength to pull herself away from her husband's comfort.

Derek allowed her to stand upright, but he kept his arms around her. He met her eyes and offered her a supportive smile. "Hey."

She tried to smile back, but failed. "Hey."

He ducked his head to kiss her cheek. "Why don't we find somewhere more private?"

Meredith glanced around and then nodded. They were still standing in the OR floor hallway. Few members of the hospital staff were in the area, but they were sending curious glances towards the scene Meredith and Derek were creating. There weren't many private places on the OR floor.

Derek threaded his fingers through hers and led her out of the area. She followed silently, trusting him.

He found an empty conference room and ushered her inside. She sat at the table as he shut the door and closed the blinds. He then sat to her left and hooked an arm around her waist.

She sighed and leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I'm an emotional disaster..."

He shifted to kiss the side of her head. "I'm here no matter what, Mer."

"Thank you."

"Is this about Thatcher?"

She almost laughed at his question. The newest chapter in the Grey family saga had completely escaped her awareness for the past several hours. "No. I was...uh..." She trailed off as a fresh batch of tears filled her eyes. "Stan died," she whispered. "And Sarah is all alone and Ray may die, too."

She felt Derek hesitate before he whispered, "Who?"

Meredith lifted her head off of his shoulder to meet his eyes. "Did you hear about the ambulances that crashed in the ambulance bay?"

He nodded. "I operated on the driver. She had a tumour that caused her to have a seizure. Bailey has her partner." He ran his hand up her arm to her shoulder. "I didn't realize you were involved, too."

"I saw it happen. And I stayed with the other rig."

"I heard it was bad," he whispered.

She nodded. "It was horrible." He voice waivered for a moment and she had to take a breath before continuing. "Ray was in the driver's seat when it happened, but Stan was on his way through the door from the back. His body was pinned in the doorway and...there was nothing we could do." She swallowed hard, trying to rid herself of the lump in her throat.

"I'm sorry."

"His wife works here. I had to get her. I'd never met her before, but now I'm _that_ person in her story."

His jaw tightened. "Did she get to say goodbye?"

Meredith nodded. "Yeah...but she was just..." She shook her head as the urge to cry again washed over her. When she spoke again, her voice waivered and she couldn't stop it. "She was desperate. And they had to drag her away from him... She was screaming..." She shuddered as she trailed off.

Derek's eyes watered in response to her words and expression. He ran his hand across her cheek and then pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her again. "Oh, Mer..."

She breathed against his shoulder. "I can't imagine... If that had been you, and they hadn't let me be there... How do you get over something like that?"

"You don't," he said quietly. "They would have had to drag me away from you, too," he added softly. "There's no way I would have left you there."

She sniffed. "You either."

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Ray got stabbed through the back by an oxygen regulator while the Fire crew was trying to extract them from the ambulance," she continued. "Stan made us stop to save him, and then he just...died."

"I'm sorry," he said again.

She sniffed. "Me too."

"What happened with Ray?"

"The oxygen regulator pierced his pericardium. He developed a tamponade. I had to do a pericardiocentesis."

"In the ambulance?"

She nodded. "While Ray was hanging upside down..."

Derek released a laughing breath. "Well, that's impressive."

Meredith smiled sadly, grateful that he was trying to make her feel better. "I was terrified the entire time."

"But you still did it."

She sighed. "I imagined you there, telling me I could do it."

He ran his hand along her spine. "You're amazing."

"And I yelled at Hahn, so it's a good thing I have no interest in cardio."

He raised an eyebrow.

"She and Izzie were talking outside the ambulance. Ray and I could hear them. She was listing the many, very easy, ways I could kill Ray. And Ray was terrified enough already. So, I told Hahn to shut up."

Derek smirked. "That's my girl."

She smiled back, even though her face felt stiff. "I should probably apologize."

"She should have known better."

She shrugged. "Still..."

"Let's wait and see if she's upset first."

"Okay."

"Do you have to get back to the floor?"

She shook her head. "The Chief told me to go home. I'm not in any shape to be interacting with patients."

"Okay. I'll need to do a post-op evaluation of my patient, and then we can go home, okay?"

She nodded. "I want to wait until Ray's out of surgery. I need to know...before we go home...I can't be wondering all weekend if he's alive."

"Okay." He leaned in to kiss her.

"Can I come with you to check your patient?" She asked quietly, not wanting to be alone.

He cupped her cheek with his warm hand. "Absolutely."

She reached up with her right arm to cover his hand. "Thanks," she whispered.

He smiled tenderly at her, but the smile fell away as his eyes flickered from her face to her arm. "What happened?"

Momentarily confused, Meredith glanced down at her arm. Her eyes quickly caught on the gauze Richard had taped to her forearm. "I forgot..."

"Did you get hurt?"

"It's just a cut. The Chief said it'll need stitches."

"Can I...?" He moved to her other side to be closer to her injured arm.

She released her arm to his care. "It doesn't even hurt," she explained.

Derek carefully peeled back one side of the gauze. "It's not too bad...pretty clean cut, but Richard's right. You'll definitely need some stitches."

Meredith sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder as he examined her arm. "Will you do it?" She didn't want to track down one of her friends or wait for an ER resident to be free.

He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the top of hers. "Sure, as long as you trust me..."

She giggled at his tone. "To do sutures? I think I can trust my neurosurgeon husband to do a couple sutures."

Derek chuckled, obviously pleased with his ability to lighten her mood. It warmed Meredith's heart to see proof of how connected he was to her. She sat upright and smiled as she met his gaze. It still amazed her how much better he could make her feel in such a short amount of time.

"Thank you," she whispered, leaning in to kiss him.

"Mmm, you're welcome," he whispered, kissing her back.

When she pulled away, he took her hand and led her down to the ER. She sat on the edge of an empty gurney while he rifled through the closest trauma cart.

"Second drawer," she instructed when he started with the bottom drawer and began working his way up looking for supplies.

He shot her an amused glance.

She smiled back and then watched with growing amusement of her own as he picked one piece of equipment at a time and laid them onto the sterile table beside the bed. "Okay, see, now I'm a little concerned about your ability to do this," she teased.

He rolled his eyes. "I'm not a resident. I don't spend hours at a time suturing anymore."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're not going to leave a huge scar, are you?"

He laughed. "We'll have to wait and see."

She laughed as well, knowing he was teasing.

"Aha," he announced as he found the last thing he was looking for. He then pulled the table close and gently guided Meredith's injured arm onto it.

She winced as he began cleaning the cut.

"You okay?"

Meredith made a face. "Yeah. It just stings a bit."

"Sorry."

"At least I can feel it now. That's probably a good sign."

He smirked at her. "Too bad it didn't wait to start hurting until _after_ the sutures were in."

She raised an eyebrow. "I was assuming you'd freeze it for me, even though you didn't get any freezing out..."

Derek glanced at the table and frowned. He then glanced back at her. "I was just about to get it out."

"You forgot," she teased.

"I would have remembered."

She laughed.

"Hey, in my defence, the only time I do sutures is in surgery. And my patients are anaesthetized..."

"Excuses, excuses."

He smiled. "I'm an attending. I have people to get stuff out _for_ me."

She laughed and reached her free hand to the trauma cart to withdraw a small syringe of freezing. "There," she announced, setting it down on the table next to the sutures, "I can get stuff out for my attending, even when injured."

Derek chuckled and reached for the syringe. "A woman of many talents." He carefully injected the freezing around the cut. Meredith flinched with every small injection.

"I don't like needles," she complained.

"I know." He reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

She squeezed his hand back. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

They fell into silence as Derek began the sutures. Not able to feel anything and trusting Derek to do a good job, Meredith closed her eyes to wait out the small procedure. Her day had been anything but the quiet shift she had hoped for, and she just wanted to go home. She and Derek had packed their wedding clothes the night before, and most of their other stuff. All that was left was toiletries and such. It wouldn't take them long to finish packing, and then they'd have the evening to just be together.

"Okay," Derek said after several minutes of silence. "Do you want to inspect them before I cover them?"  
Meredith opened her eyes and smirked as she lifted her arm to examine his work. Small, neat, evenly spaced sutures. "It's pretty good."

He scoffed. "It's excellent."

She laughed. "Thank you."

"I try." He reached for a bandage from the trauma cart and then carefully applied it over the small wound. Once he was finished he lifted her arm and then placed a feather light kiss to the outside of the bandage.

Meredith laughed at the gesture, despite the tears she felt well in her eyes. "Do you do that for all your patients, Dr. Shepherd?"

"Just the sexy ones."

She shook her head. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Let me take you home and feed you."

"Can we order something?"

"Pizza?"

"Are you just suggesting pizza because I had a bad day and you want to make me happy?"

He nodded.

She laughed again. "I'd love pizza. With extra cheese."

He made a face, but nodded his agreement. "Whatever you say, dear."

Meredith stood and bumped his shoulder at his use of the term of endearment.

Derek smiled at her. "Let's go check on our patients so we can go home."

"And eat pizza," she added.

* * *

**Thursday**

Meredith glanced worriedly at her husband as they sat together waiting to be called to board their flight from Seattle to New York. It was early morning, but they had been up for hours; Derek presumably much longer than her. By the time he had woken her, he had already loaded their suitcases into the car, had a shower and made breakfast. She had expected to get up and help him in the morning, but he had turned off the alarm when he woken at some unknown earlier period in time.

When she had asked how long he had been awake, he had shrugged and kissed her and made her forget her question.

At first she had thought he was trying to make the morning as stress free as possible for her after the stress of the past few days, but now she wondered if something more was bothering him.

He had been hovering for two days now; since Thatcher's drunken appearance at the hospital and Meredith's subsequent fallout with Lexie. And he had been overly supportive and affectionate since the day before; when Meredith had watched a man who couldn't be helped die and then crouched over his body while she fought to save his friend. Both of those behaviours were understandable considering the circumstances, but now he was adding something new.

His expression had tightened the moment they arrived at the airport. He had been fine that morning preparing to leave, or at least only not fine to a small enough degree that he could hide it from her while she struggled to fully wake up. As they waited in line to check in, he had gripped so tightly to her hand that she had had to pat his arm to have him loosen his grip. And then at check in he had shot her supportive smiles at every opportunity. At first she had mirrored his smiles, but the first time she hadn't, his demeanour fell and he had wrapped an arm around her waist. The moment they left the counter he whispered into her ear that he loved her.

The same thing had happened while clearing security. He had gripped tightly to her hand while they waited in line, ushered her through the security check first and then was quick to reach for her again on the other side.

And every time she asked him if he was okay, he pasted a fake smile on his face and nodded, while avoiding her eyes. He'd look at her, just not _at_ her.

Now that they were sitting side by side at the gate, she could feel how tense he was.

"Hey," she murmured, drawing his attention. He had his shoulder bag on his lap and his arms folded over it as he stared across the room, her hand in both of his. "Everything okay over there?"

He nodded and smiled that fake smile again. "Of course. How about you? Okay?"

She paused before nodding, trying to determine if she had ever seen him like this before. She had flown with him before, so she knew he wasn't afraid of flying, and unless something drastic had happened in the past forty-eight hours with his family that he hadn't told her about, he wasn't dreading seeing his family. He had been looking forward to this trip for weeks. He loved his family. He was walking his sister down the aisle. _Maybe that was it_.

"Are you worried about your sister?" She asked, remembering how hard it had been for Derek to accept Nathan in Lauren's life during their previous trip to New York.

"What? No. Lauren's okay. She's happy. That's all I want for her."

Meredith frowned at his clipped answer. "Okay, then what is it?"

"What is what?"

"What's making you act this way?"

He shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Mmm-hmm," she mumbled, "You forget that's my line."

His eyes pinched at her statement. "Meredith, I'm fine."

"But you're obviously upset about something. And I don't know what it is. And I want to, because I want to help, especially after you've been here for me so much these past few days." The drama of the past two days had hindered their abilities to get everything they needed done, but he hadn't made a word of complaint and he had been there for her every time she needed him.

Derek sighed. "Meredith..."

"If it was me, you wouldn't accept me being 'fine,'" she pointed out.

"I'm just...anxious," he offered.

"About what?"

"Just...this weekend."

"Okay, that's a start. What part of this weekend? Your sister's wedding? Walking her down the aisle? Your family?"

He opened his mouth, but hesitated, as if he wanted to let her in on what was plaguing his mind, but something was stopping him. He met her eyes for the first time, instead of just looking at her, and the conflict within them made Meredith furrow her brow. What could possibly have him this upset? His eyes, normally filled with love and confidence and humour, were also shining with anxiety and a touch of trepidation. She'd only ever looked seen him like this when she was involved; after the bomb, after her near drowning experience and...

In the airport.

Meredith inhaled as realization washed over her. The last time she had seen this look in his eyes was when she had run from him following Cristina's failed wedding attempt. He had caught up to her at the security line and had said everything she needed to hear before giving her his permission to run.

That incident had also followed a Thatcher event that left her in a near panic attack.

She reached for his hand and squeezed it tight, trying to show him that she wasn't about to get on a plane to Hawaii without him, or whatever comparable behaviour he may be contemplating. "I'm looking forward to this weekend," she whispered.

His fake smile became a real/fake hybrid.

She offered him the brightest smile she could muster and continued. "After last time I feel like I can get a handle on the whole family thing even faster."

"You did great last time."

"And I'll do great this time, too," she reassured.

He raised an eyebrow. "That's certainly a change of heart. Just a few days ago you nervous."

"I'm still nervous," she admitted, "But not in a bad way, just in a new way." She had gone to him several times for reassurance over the past few weeks that she would do okay with his family again. It was just Meredith being Meredith, and had the past two days not happened, Derek would recognize that, too. She just needed to remind him now. "I really like your family, Derek, and I'm grateful for the chance to be a part of it."

The fake quality fell away completely from his expression as he smiled tenderly at her words. It made Meredith's heart tug in her chest. He had been nothing but supportive of her, and although she had been openly thankful for his support, she wondered now if she had ever made him know just how much all of this meant to her. She wasn't just putting up with visiting his family for his sake; she wanted to know the Shepherds better so that one day they could really be her family, too. She couldn't remember ever thanking him for that.

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and tugged him towards her, pressing her lips against his in a soft kiss. "Thank you for letting me a part of your family, Derek," she whispered. "I know I'm a bit of a crazy person with the family thing, but I'm trying and I'm grateful. I _want_ to be a part of your family. Thank you."

He said nothing, but the depth of his gaze assured her he was hearing her words. It gave her the drive to continue.

"I'm not even remotely considering not getting on that plane with you," she whispered.

His jaw tightened, confirming she was on the right track for the cause of his anxiety.

"I _want_ to go to New York with you, Derek. I _want_ to spend time with your family." She paused. "This isn't like last time."

He closed his eyes at her words.

Meredith felt a lump form in her throat. It had been four months since she had left him standing in the airport, and although she knew he had let it go, she also knew being back here with such similar circumstances leading up to their trip must be bringing back memories. She couldn't imagine what he must have felt like when she had gone through security without him and left him there all alone. She would have been devastated and damaged after something like that. She probably wouldn't have been able to forgive him as quickly as he had her. He was a damn good man, and she was very lucky to have him.

She lifted the bag off of his lap, and then snaked her hands around his waist and hugged him as tight as she could. "I love you," she whispered into the crook of his neck.

"I love you, too," he returned, closing his arms around her.

"I'm sorry about last time," she said quietly.

"It's okay."

"It's not. You've let it go and we've moved past it, I know, and I appreciate it, but that doesn't make it okay." She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "What I did to you wasn't okay. So, I get to be sorry about that."

He said nothing, but held her gaze evenly.

She reached one hand to cup his face. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Derek, because you had plans the last time and I almost ruined all of it."

"I just want to make sure it doesn't happen again," he admitted quietly. "The last time Thatcher was here..." He trailed off.

'_The last time he was here_...' Derek had said two days before, when she had told him about Thatcher's most recent appearance, '_I just don't want you to have to deal with him.' _He hadn't been happy with any of the Thatcher information she had relayed.

She had reassured her husband by telling him she wouldn't let Thatcher hurt her again like last time, but she had never even thought to reassure him that _he_ wouldn't get hurt again, as the last time Thatcher had appeared, Meredith had shut down and ended up leaving Derek alone in the airport. He'd still been anxious after her response, but she had assumed he was just worried about her getting hurt. She had missed what he was actually trying to say.

'_Just...know that I'm here,'_ he'd ended the conversation.

Meredith sighed and ran her hand over his shoulder to play with the curls at the base of his neck. "It won't happen again, I promise," she said with as much integrity in her voice as possible. She had promised before, but they were back at the scene now, so he deserved every reassurance she could give him. He found it hard to let people see him as vulnerable. She knew this all too well, and with it she knew she had to do whatever she could for him when he opened up to show him it was okay to be vulnerable with her. "I know a lot of the same things have happened," she frowned and shook her head, wondering how things kept repeating themselves, "But I'm a different person now. I'm happy, Derek. Not every day. Not all the time. But overall? Overall I'm happy. You make me happy. And my friends make me happy. And my job makes me happy."

"You make me happy, too," he whispered.

She kissed him. "Good." She offered him a warm smile before continuing. "I went a little crazy last time. So much happened... I just couldn't get perspective. And, really, Thatcher was only a part of everything that built up. If he had been the only factor, I'm sure I would have been fine. Regardless, he won't affect anything now. I was so determined not to let him hurt me again that I let Lexie take me by surprise. But, I don't need either of them. I don't. I only need you."

He smiled warmly at her. "Yeah?"

She smiled back. "Yeah. I'm not running ever again. And I want to go to New York, Derek. I want to be with your family, even if it's scary. It wouldn't be worth having if it wasn't scary. So, please don't take my lack of family skills as a sign that I want to run. I need to be able to tell you what scares me without worrying that you're worrying about me."

He released a breathy chuckle. "So, I worry about you and you worry about me worrying about you?"

"Pretty much."

This time he laughed out loud. "Okay. I'll try and stop worrying about you."

She kissed him again. "Thank you."

They sat back in their seats, Derek much less tense now, and Meredith leaned her head against his shoulder, proud of herself for recognizing the issue and dealing with it. She was growing up and getting better and better at the wife thing. She reached for Derek's hand and intertwined their fingers.

"It's going to be a good weekend," she announced.

"Yes, it is."

"And then we get to come back to Seattle and move into our new home."

"Yes, we do."

She smiled. "We've come a long way in four months."

"We have."

She lifted her head from his shoulder and met his eyes. "Do you know how we should celebrate our progress?"

His eyes twinkled, knowing she had something specific in mind. "How?"

After glancing at the other waiting passengers, Meredith leaned in close and whispered, "By joining the mile high club."

"Good idea. We'll add it to the non-PG section of our list. We still haven't checked the ferry boat off, either."

"When we get home," she promised.

Derek laughed out loud and dropped her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders. "You know, New York has ferry boats..."

Meredith laughed as well, more confident than ever in the knowledge that she and Derek were a good fit.

Before she could respond, the business class passengers were called to board. They stood and headed for the short line. Meredith pulled her ID out of her purse and then hooked her arm through Derek's as they stood together in line. He shot her a contented smile, clearly allowing himself to look forward to the weekend now that he wasn't concerned about her. More determined than ever to overcome any and all pain her parents had put her through, Meredith smiled back at her husband, grateful she was doing this with him. It may be early morning and she may be about to take a five hour plane ride to spend the weekend with her in-laws, but there was nowhere else Meredith would rather be right now.


	110. Chapter 110

_**AN: Welcome to trip to New York #2 for Meredith and Derek. While the first trip was much more about Meredith, you'll notice this trip is much more about Derek. I know this story has dragged on for a long time, but for those who have been reading the whole time, I hope that you see the connections to some character development on Derek's part that was started years ago. While I find it easier to write from Meredith's POV most of the time, I always wanted to keep Derek's development moving forward. While not necessary, I would recommend I review of chapter 44.**_

* * *

It was late afternoon when Derek pulled the rental car into his mother's driveway and shut off the engine. Meredith was dozing next to him in the passenger seat, as she had been for most of the drive. He reached his hand across the center consul of the car and rubbed his hand over her thigh. She didn't react.

He smiled softly at her, wishing he could let her sleep, or at least only have to wake her for the time it took them to get the car unloaded and get inside, but he knew that wouldn't be possible. His sisters had all already arrived, as evidenced by the multiple cars in his mother's driveway. They would all stay here tonight, and then at the resort hosting Lauren's wedding Friday and Saturday night. They had universally decided to come alone to their mother's house prior to the wedding and meet their respective families at the resort the next day. It gave the Shepherd sisters time to focus on Lauren's wedding and prevented the kids from missing school. Most would return to their respective homes Sunday, but Meredith and Derek were returning to Jane's house for Sunday night, and would then fly home to Seattle on Monday.

"Mer," he prompted quietly, rubbing his hand along her leg.

She sighed in her sleep, but didn't wake.

He paused for a moment before trying again. She had a right to be exhausted, as she hadn't slept much for the past couple days. The night after Thatcher had reappeared in her life she had tossed and turned for hours. It hadn't been until Derek had rolled into her and spooned her tight in his arms that she had slept. And the day before, with the ambulance crash, she had said her mind was too full to sleep. He had stayed up with her until she had finally grown tired.

Derek had woken early that morning and shut off the alarm before it woke his wife. He had quietly padded around the house, preparing everything he could before returning to the bedroom and waking Meredith with a soft kiss. She had been groggy when they left the house.

It hadn't been until they had arrived at the airport that Derek had realized how much anxiety he had about his wife and the trip. Knowing his anxiety was most likely unnecessary and hoping everything would turn out okay, he had tried to hide it from Meredith in an effort to not hurt her. But she had figured out what was bothering him on her own – he should have known she would – and she had rid him of any leftover anxiety in a matter of minutes.

She was truly amazing.

He smiled and lifted his hand from her thigh to cup her face, pausing a moment to marvel at how lucky he felt in this moment. She was beautiful and here and his. It still caught him off guard at times, taking his breath away. He had never been so happy with his life. "Mer," he murmured. He rubbed his thumb across her cheek.

She moaned.

"We're here," he announced softly.

Her eyelids opened, revealing the soft, green-grey eyes he loved.

"Morning, sleepyhead," he teased.

Despite her grogginess, she still managed to glare at him.

He laughed at her expression.

"We're here already?" She asked, her voice raspy with sleep.

He nodded. "And it looks like everyone else is already here, too." He motioned to the other cars parked around them.

Meredith blinked as she glanced at the rest of the driveway. "Okay. I guess we should...go in," she said, but didn't make a move to exit the car. She stared uncertainly at the house for a long moment. Derek stayed silent, giving her the time she needed to collect her thoughts. He understood her better now than ever, and knew that as much as she wanted to be here, it was still intimidating. She needed to not be rushed, as she handled things like this much better on her own terms. She had done wonderfully with his family during their first visit, and he knew she just needed to get over the hump of walking in and greeting everyone to be comfortable here again.

After a moment, she shook her head almost imperceptibly and took a deep breath.

He waited until Meredith reached for her door handle before he did the same. She met him at the back of the car. He opened the trunk and reached for the first suitcase, but she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

Covering her hand with his free one, he turned to face her and shot her a questioning look.

With a smirk, Meredith pressed herself into his space and hooked her hands behind his neck, tugging him down a few inches so she could kiss him. Derek fell into the kiss, his hands finding the small of her back as he pulled her against him.

"What was that for?" He whispered when she pulled away.

She shrugged, her hands playing with the hair at the base of his neck. "Just because."

He smiled and leaned down to press his nose into the crook of her neck. He inhaled. She smelled like lavender and _Meredith_. After a moment he shifted to rest his chin on her shoulder and swayed them side to side a few times.

"I'm glad we're here," Meredith whispered as she hugged him back.

"Mmm, me too," he murmured. "I'm really glad _you're_ here." He could still acutely remember the relief and gratefulness he'd felt four months earlier when he had realized the love of his life and his family were comfortable together. He loved both so much, and he wanted desperately to be able to have both together. At the time, he had been grateful for her willingness to make such an attempt for him. She had little to no experience with families, but she had flown from Hawaii to New York to meet his. Her gesture had more than made up for her running to Hawaii in the first place, and for the several days they spent at his mother's house, Derek had been grateful and amazed at the effort she was making for him.

He just hadn't understood at that time how much it meant to her.

She had never had a real family of her own, and he had wanted very much to make her a part of his. He had just never stopped to realize how much that meant to _her_. She wasn't just finding a spot in his family for his sake. She was getting a family out of the deal; the family she had never had. Her admission that morning in the airport had nearly taken his breath away.

Meredith leaned back in his arms, just far enough to meet his gaze. Her eyes were sparkling. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be," she stated with a shrug, as if it were the most natural thing in the world that she be here with him.

_And maybe it was_, Derek thought to himself.

He smiled and captured her lips with his for several seconds before releasing her and reaching for their suitcases.

"There are a lot of cars here," Meredith commented as he pulled out the first suitcase – hers – and pressed the handle into her hand.

Derek nodded as he pulled out his own suitcase. "We're a lot of people."

"Still..."

He shut the trunk and then pecked her lips. "Mom and Brian have two cars, and then one each for Kathleen, Nancy and Meg. That's five. Plus us is six. Plus Lauren and Shane. Seven."

"It's a good thing your mom has a ridiculously long driveway," she commented as they headed up the driveway along the line of cars.

Derek chuckled. "True."

They reached the short cobblestone path that led to the front door.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yeah, I think so. Just...can we have the same deal as last time?"

"What's that?"

"That you won't leave me alone until I'm okay?"

"Oh, Mer," he offered her a tender smile. They reached the front porch, but he made no effort to enter the house.

She made a face. "I know I'm freaky and pathetic and whatever. And I know I'll be fine. But...it's only the second time I've met them. So, please, can you just-"

He cut her off with a kiss. "I'll be your wingman," he agreed.

She giggled at the term. "I'm sorry I'm-"

"You're perfect," he insisted. "And I know that I can't imagine what it must feel like to be thrust into a big family like this when you're not used to it, but I do know that you did amazing last time. And that you'll do amazing this time."

"Okay," she whispered with a smile. "As long as you're my wingman."

"Always," he promised.

Her eyelashes fluttered and she reached a hand to brush up and down his arm, as if taking him in and reminding herself of him. He smiled. She made him feel so important. So wanted and cherished. He could only ever remember feeling needed before. With Meredith _he_ felt important, not just what he could offer.

"You're a good wingman," she murmured.

He felt a smile tug at his lips. "I try."

She met his eyes, telling him she was ready.

With a breathy chuckle, he pressed a light kiss to the tip of her nose and then stepped up to the door.

He knocked three times, but reached for the door handle without waiting for someone to answer. He pushed the door open and stepped into the front hall. "We're here," he called towards the living room.

Silence.

No one called back to him. No voices drifted down the hall towards them. No footsteps echoed on the floors.

"Where is everyone?" Meredith whispered as she joined him in the front hall.

Derek shrugged. "No idea. Maybe out back?"

She took a breath and then exhaled slowly.

"It's going to be okay," he assured.

"I know. It's just...the waiting." She released the handle of her suitcase and flopped a hand to her chest. "It doesn't help with the anxiety."

He placed his hand over hers. "We just have to rip off the band aid."

"Easier said than done when your freaking family is MIA."

Derek laughed out loud as he threaded his fingers through hers and pulled her hand from her chest. "We just have to go find them." He tugged at her hand, leading her into the living room. They would leave their suitcases in the front hall for now.

He was three quarters of the way through the living room when something on the wall caught his eye. Meredith shot him a questioning look as he skidded to a stop. He cocked his head towards the wall, and she followed his gaze. Her lips curled into a smile when her eyes found his point of interest.

The wedding photo he had sent his mom was framed and hanging on the wall between two of his sisters' wedding photos.

"She didn't waste any time," he said. They had only received the pictures in the mail a few weeks ago. Several beautiful pictures of the two of them on the day they had sworn their lives to each other. He had told his mother he would bring a picture with him this weekend, but she had convinced him to have one couriered right away. With the new home and the preparation to move, Meredith and Derek hadn't even had a chance to dig out the frame they had purchased in the Bahamas to frame their wedding photo and put on their own wall. Now, he made a mental note to do that as soon as the paint was dry in the new house.

Meredith said nothing.

He turned to her, surprised to find her smiling with tears in her eyes. "Mer," he murmured, uncertain as to her reaction.

She leaned into him. "It's just what I wanted," she breathed. "It looks so...normal."

He could remember her stating several times prior to them getting married that she wanted a normal picture. He hadn't completely understood, but had promised to make it happen.

'_I want a _normal_ picture,' _she'd told him on their way to the Bahamas. They had been discussing their yet-unplanned wedding, still with no idea that by the time they were on their way home they'd be married.

_ 'There you go with that word again,' _he'd responded.

_ 'It's nice to feel normal sometimes,' _she'd told him, her gaze open as she smiled up at him.

He'd tucked a strand of hair behind her eyes and promised her the picture she wanted.

Derek may not have understood the importance of the 'normal' picture then, but he did now. Framed and surrounded by similar examples, he and Meredith smiled softly at each other as they said their vows, the ocean acting as a deep, blue backdrop to their obvious happiness. In that moment, they were two normal people who were in love and getting married. All of the things that had happened to them in the preceding year didn't matter. They had overcome everything to make it to that moment. And the fact that it was on the wall with the rest of the family wedding photos made it all the more special to see now.

"I guess this is evidence your mom really is okay with it," Meredith murmured beside him.

Derek smiled softly and turned to her. "_This_ you accept as evidence? How about me promising you a hundred times?"

She shrugged. "You're biased."

He couldn't help but laugh. "You're slightly frustrating," he bantered, holding his thumb and forefinger about a quarter inch apart, "Have I ever told you that?"

She laughed as well. "A few times."

He ducked his head to kiss her cheek.

Meredith kept laughing as she leaned into his embrace and brushed her cheek against his.

Derek ran his hands down her sides and found purchase at her hips. Her hands rested over his forearms. He could feel her every exhale against the side of his neck as the tension bled out of her body.

"Mmm," he murmured. "You're calmer."

"I have a good wingman," she whispered back.

He exhaled a laughing breath and stepped back, tugging on her hand. "Come on," he urged. "Let's get this over with before you get worked up again."

She rolled her eyes as she allowed herself to be led to the door. "I'll be fine."

He shot her an amused smirk. "I'm pretty sure I used that word at the airport and you reminded me that it was _your_ term..."

She mocked glared at him. "I'll be _okay_," she corrected, adding extra emphasis.

They reached the backdoor. Derek could hear laughter filtering in from the backyard, so there was no question as to where his family was hiding. He paused and turned back to his wife, smiling at the mostly confident and only slightly anxious expression on her face. "I'm really glad we're here," he told her.

Meredith squeezed his hand. "Me too." Her eyes shone with honesty and trust.

He brushed his lips against hers and then reached for the door handle, grateful Meredith was so calm as he was suddenly hyper aware that this was the first time he had ever brought her home as his wife. It was exciting, and like a rush of water over a waterfall, understanding of the importance of the photograph to her washed over him

The backdoor opened easily, and the previously muffled voices became clear and distinct. His mother was speaking and his sisters were laughing along. Glasses and plates of varying fullness littered the patio table they all sat around, signalling that they had been there for quite some time.

"You started without us," he accused jokingly in way of a greeting, drawing the attention of the table as he stepped into the backyard with Meredith right behind him.

"We started before you even got on the plane," Nancy called in response, barely even reacting to their presence. The large glass sitting on the table in front of her held about an inch of some greenish liquid. Derek would bet it was a margarita. He would also bet it wasn't her first. From the looks of the table, his family _had_ been there since before he and Meredith had even left Seattle.

Before anyone else could say a word, Lauren leapt up from her chair next to her fiancé and hurried towards her brother. "Derek," she said as she walked right into his arms, her eyes filling with tears.

Derek hugged his sister back and shot a questioning glance at the rest of his family as Lauren buried her face into his shoulder. "Is everything okay?" He asked gently.

She didn't respond.

He frowned and turned his gaze back onto his family, who were standing one by one and heading across the deck towards him.

"She's just a little overcome," his mother offered quietly. "She's been waiting for you to get here."

Derek hugged his sister a little tighter.

Jane turned to Meredith, who was standing a little off to the side, giving Derek and Lauren space. Her expression was still more parts confident than anxious or worried. "Meredith, so nice to see you again," she said as she hugged her. When she pulled away she placed both of her hands on Meredith's shoulders and offered her a warm smile. "Congratulations in person, dear. We couldn't be more thrilled. Consider this an official welcome to the family."

Derek watched as Meredith reacted to his mother's kind words, and was never as grateful for his family as he was in that moment. Meredith's eyes developed a sheen of moisture and the skin over her nose reddened, a sure sign she was fighting her emotions.

"Thank you," she said quietly, her voice a little thick.

Derek wanted to be beside her in this moment. He wanted to hug her and kiss her and experience this moment with her. But his sister was still holding him in a vice-like hug, so he was forced to remain at a distance as Meredith was greeted by the rest of the family.

"We want to hear all of the details," Kathleen said, giving Meredith a hug when Jane was done.

"Yeah," Meg added, also giving Meredith a hug, "Because Derek sucks at explaining things."

Meredith laughed.

Derek rolled his eyes. "I do not."

"We're not talking to you," Nancy told him, before giving Meredith a hug.

"No, you're just talking _about _me."

Jane smiled as she walked up to her son. "Leave them be, Derek. They just want to talk to their new sister." She was talking to him, but she made sure to speak loud enough that her words would reach Meredith's ears.

Derek smiled warmly at his mother. She somehow new instinctively just what Meredith needed to feel as welcome as possible.

Jane kissed him on the cheek. "It's good to see you, Derek. I'll give you a hug when Lauren's done."

Derek laughed, patting his sister on the shoulder. "Any idea when that will be?" He asked.

Lauren sniffed and raised her head. Her eyes were red as she fought back tears. "I'm sorry. I'm a mess, Derek. A mess." She sniffed again. "I'm so glad you came."

"Are you kidding? You're my favourite sister. I wouldn't miss it."

Lauren laughed as her three sisters glared at Derek's comment.

Expertly ignoring his sisters' glares, Derek cocked his head at Lauren. "Where's my niece?" He asked, referring to Lauren's eight year daughter, Emily.

"She's staying at a friend's until tomorrow so she can finish her school week. We're going to pick her up on the way to the rehearsal."

"She must be excited," he said, knowing that bringing up Emily always served as an excellent distraction for Lauren.

Lauren beamed and nodded. "She is. She's super excited; can't stop talking about it. You should see her in the little dress she picked out. She looks so grown up."

He smiled and released her now that she seemed to have calmed down. "I can't wait to see her."

Lauren offered him an only slightly wobbly smile before she turned and walked into Nathan's arms. But she didn't bury her face and cry like she had with Derek. She seemed to have regained control of her emotions. For now, at least.

Derek exchanged a knowing look and nod with Nathan.

As promised, Jane gave him a tight hug the moment he was free of Lauren. "You're a good brother, Derek," she whispered.

"I had to be to make up for the quality of the sisters I got," he joked.

Jane rolled her eyes as she pulled away.

Meg stepped up to him and smacked him on the back of the head before he even realized she was there. "I heard that, Derek."

"I wasn't talking about _you_."

She laughed and smacked him again.

"Hey! What was _that_ for?"

She shrugged. "For calling Lauren your favourite sister."

"Next to you," he bantered.

She laughed again. "I missed you," she said as she allowed him to hug her.

"I missed you too, Meg."

She pulled back and excitedly shook him with her hands on his shoulders. "I'm so happy for you," she told him, obviously speaking about his new marriage.

He smiled.

She smiled back and shook him again. "Look at you all happy."

He felt his cheeks heat slightly at his sister's attention and glanced at his wife, who was smiling as she spoke to his mother. Just a few minutes with the Shepherd family and she was relaxed. His two worlds coexisted well together. He turned back to Meg and shrugged. "It's nice to be happy."

"Good," she said, as she released him, allowing Kathleen and Nancy to greet their brother and offer their own congratulations.

When he had spoken to all of his sisters, he greeted his stepfather with a handshake. "Brian, it's good to see you."

Brian offered him a warm smile. "You too, Derek. Your mother's been talking about seeing you all week."

Derek nodded. "I know. She only called me a hundred times to make sure we'd make it."

Brian laughed. "That's Jane."

Jane scoffed as she walked up to her husband and her son, Meredith beside her. "It was more like twice, Derek."

He shook his head. "Five times. At least."

"Well, you were short with me a couple times."

"I wasn't short. I was _busy_. You kept calling me at work and I told you I'd call you back when I had time to talk."

"And then you didn't call back."

"Because I was busy," Derek repeated. He turned to his wife, "Mer, tell her I was busy."

Meredith glanced at him for a moment, surprised he had tried to bring her into the conversation. She then turned back to Jane and shrugged. "I told him to call you back. He had plenty of free time."

"Hey!" Derek countered with his own surprise.

Jane stared at him, one eyebrow raised, though her eyes were sparkling. She was clearly happy that Meredith felt comfortable enough to joke with them. "Derek, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Derek rolled his eyes and then bumped Meredith's hip with his, also pleased that Meredith was comfortable enough to joke around.

Meredith laughed. "Last week was super busy," she relented. "We barely got everything we needed to done."

Jane nodded. "You must be swamped trying to get ready to move. You get the keys next month?"

"Next week," Derek corrected. "We hope to move in by the end of the month."

"That's sooner than I thought. Come and tell us _all_ about it." Jane ushered them towards the table.

Derek sat between Lauren and Meredith at the table, but shook his head at his mother's eager expression. "We're not here to talk about me. This is Lauren's weekend." He swung his arm around his sister to make his point.

Lauren's eyes welled up with tears at the reminder of her wedding, but she shook her head. "Nice try," she countered before her mother could. "I want to hear about the new house, too."

"Which we can talk about any time, but right now-"

Nancy cut him off. "Saturday is about Lauren's wedding. And even tomorrow, but today can be about you. So, spill."

Derek sighed. "What is it you want to know?" He wanted to share his life with his family, he really did, but after spending so many years not allowing himself to seek or accept their attention, he wasn't sure how to now. Being forced into the centre of attention was putting him on the spot.

"Everything."

"Because that really narrows it down..." He reached for Meredith's hand. She squeezed his as he threaded their fingers together. "We found a really nice condo by the harbour. Two bedrooms and a small office. Huge terrace. Great view." Derek smiled as he thought of their new home. They had both loved the condo from the moment they stepped through the front door. The building was older, but had been converted into modern semi-loft style units while maintaining some character. Rectangular in shape, the building offered two units on their floor. The unit was a backwards L-shape, with most of the rooms on the main floor. From the front door, you walk right into the open concept living room and dining room, whose outer wall was floor to ceiling windows, with a view of the harbour. To the left, located at the top of the L was a small hallway that led to a bathroom, spare bedroom and the office. To the right was the kitchen, also open concept, with a large breakfast bar acting as its only border from the rest of the condo. Tucked in beside the kitchen, in the small section of the L, was the laundry room, a storage room and a large pantry. The master suite stretched the entire length of the short section of the L, with the bathroom and closets towards the inside of the building and the bedroom bordering two outside walls. The lower level opened up to a large terrace that stretched more than half the length of the condo, and the bedroom had a small balcony of its own. "Hardwood floors throughout," he continued, "But the walls are all white washed, so we're going to paint before we move in."

"Have you already booked painters?" Nancy asked.

"We're going to paint ourselves."

Nancy raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because," Derek responded.

Nancy made a face.

Derek laughed at his sister's expression.

"Will it come with appliances?" Kathleen asked.

Derek shook his head. "No, but we've pretty much picked out everything we need. We just need to get into the unit to measure before we order anything."

"Sounds like you'll have a lot to do in order to move in."

Derek shrugged. "We'll get it done." He wasn't all that concerned. They had a couple days booked off starting the day they got the keys. They would paint immediately, and order the appliances. After that, there wasn't much to do other than wait for everything to be delivered. And if they were a few days later than expected before they could actually spend their first night there, it really wouldn't matter in the long run.

"It sounds awesome," Meg told him.

He smiled. "It really is." He squeezed Meredith's hand with sudden excitement. Not only were they finally going to be living together, just the two of them, but they would be living in a great place. He imagined early mornings sharing coffee on their balcony, the view of the sunset through their living room windows, not having to fight over the kitchen with roommates and the freedom to show affection to his wife wherever he wanted. Sex on the living room floor was high on his list of things to do once they moved in.

Meredith squeezed his hand back and leaned into him, clearly feeling just as excited. He offered her a soft smile. She smiled back.

When Derek turned his attention back to the rest of the table, his mother was smiling at him, clearly noticing his and Meredith's interaction. "Okay," she prompted, "Now that we've got the house out of the way, tell us about the wedding."

Derek glanced at Lauren. While he had been joking before, now he actually felt bad. This weekend was for his sister. She had had a tough life and had finally found happiness. She deserved _her_ wedding to be the hot topic of the weekend, not his.

"Don't look at me like that," Lauren chastised. "_I _want to know, too."

He hesitated. "But this is _your_ weekend."

Lauren's eyes filled with tears. Again. She sniffed, and the moment Nathan wrapped his arm around her shoulders, she leaned into him.

Derek shot an uncertain glance to the rest of the table. "See, this is why this should be about Lauren..."

Despite the tears now running down he cheeks, Lauren shook her head. "I'm an emotional disaster, Derek. I've been like this all week. Trust me; I _want_ to hear about your wedding. And if you don't tell me, it'll just make me cry harder," she threatened.

"That would be hard to do," Nancy muttered from across the table.

Lauren glared at her sister. "I seem to remember physically forcing a glass of orange juice down your throat the morning you got married because you hadn't had anything to drink in two days because of all the crying you did leading up to _your_ wedding."

Nancy made a face, but fell silent.

Derek chuckled at the memory. Nancy, not one to show much emotion, had been shocked at how out of control her emotions had been leading up to her wedding. In an attempt to keep her crying to a minimum, she had stopped consuming liquids. By the morning of her wedding she was clearly starting to suffer from dehydration. Lauren and Kathleen had pretty much held her down and forced her to have something to drink.

Lauren wiped her face and turned to Derek. "Start talking."

"There's probably not much that I haven't told you on the phone..."

"All you told us was that you got married on the beach."

He shrugged. "There's not much more to add."

Meg huffed and turned her attention to Meredith. "See? He's useless at explaining things. You're up, and start from the beginning."

Beside him, Meredith tensed, but only a little. She glanced at him, clearly unsure of what to say. Part of him wanted to step in and get the spotlight off of her, but instead he offered her a tender smile and waited to see what she would say, wanting her to be part of the conversation.

"I don't really know what you want to hear," she started carefully. "There's really not much to it, like Derek said. We saw this other wedding on the beach, and we thought it was a good idea."

"That's already more than we got from Derek. You saw another wedding? That's where the idea came from?"

Meredith nodded. "The second evening we were there we went for a walk along the beach and there was this other wedding that just seemed so simple and...perfect." Her nose wrinkled slightly at the term. "We'd spent so much time trying to figure out how and when and where..." She sighed. "It just seemed like us."

Derek smiled, remembering his thoughts in that moment. The whole concept had screamed _Meredith and Derek_ to him. They had watched silently for several minutes, and Derek had begun to wonder if Meredith would go for it when she had turned around. The look in her eyes, before he had said a word, confirmed his suspicions. '_You wouldn't happen to be thinking what I'm thinking,'_ he'd asked, knowing what her answer would be.

After that, things had pretty much fallen into place. The resort had taken care of all of the details and decisions. All Meredith and Derek had had to do was get the marriage license and show up.

"We didn't really have to do anything," Meredith was continuing. "The resort pretty much did everything. I guess it's pretty common, or whatever."

"And Derek didn't talk you into it to get out of planning something bigger?" Kathleen asked, throwing her brother a mocking glance, clearly trying to joke with him.

Meredith laughed and shook her head. "No. It was definitely a mutual decision. We both wanted something simple. And we didn't want to wait," she rambled slightly. "And it was so beautiful there. It was really just...amazing."

Derek watched in fascination as his wife's eyes welled with tears. They didn't stream down her cheeks, but Meredith wiped at her face anyway. He couldn't help but chuckle at the new, and completely unexpected, development.

"Crap," she muttered, "Now I'm turning into Lauren."

The entire table laughed, including Lauren.

"It's contagious," Lauren said.

Meredith leaned her forehead against Derek's upper arm for a moment, as if hiding her reaction, but she was laughing as well.

Derek pressed a kiss to the top of her head through his own laughter. When she lifted her head, he swung an arm around her and was happy to feel not a single ounce of tension in her body. She was happy and comfortable here. His job as her wingman was complete.

When the laughter died down, Nancy jumped up. "Okay, we definitely need to make a new batch of drinks." The Shepherd sisters knew how to take advantage of their kid-free time when they had the chance.

"Definitely," Kathleen agreed, also standing. She turned to Meredith. "Meredith, do you drink margaritas?"

Meredith nodded. "Definitely." She paused for a moment before asking, "Do you need help?"

"Sure, come on," Kathleen responded, and just like that Meredith was gone from Derek's side, following his sisters into the house.

Derek blinked. It wasn't that he hadn't expected her to be so relaxed here again; it was that he hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. He tracked her with his eyes until she was out of sight, and then turned back to the table.

His mother offered him a warm smile. "She seems happy."

He nodded. "I hope so."

Jane nodded, her smile growing. "She fits here," she said simply.

Derek was surprised to feel his own eyes stinging. Maybe it _was_ contagious. "That's exactly what I want."

Jane shrugged. "She's family now."

He smiled. Not only was Meredith accepting the Shepherds, but the Shepherds were accepting her. "She was worried that you were upset that we didn't have a ceremony," he admitted.

"You should have told her not to worry. The most important thing is that you two are happy."

"I did tell her not to worry."

"Well, then you should have made her believe it."

He laughed. "I did my best. I think actually being here is the only way she'll be convinced. She's not used to this," he reminded.

Jane nodded thoughtfully, and then shrugged. "You're right. We'll just let her figure it out on her own, that is, if she hasn't already."

"Oh!" Meg exclaimed, jumping up before anything more was said. "I forgot the thing."

"What thing?" Derek asked.

"Nothing."

"It doesn't look like nothing," he called as Meg hurried towards the house.

"It's nothing," she repeated as she stepped into the house.

Derek rolled his eyes as he turned back to the table again. "What is she doing?" He asked.

Jane shook her head. "I don't know, dear."

He chuckled. "I don't believe you." He turned to Lauren.

"I don't know either," she echoed her mother, although the smile she was trying to hide made it obvious she was lying.

He raised an eyebrow. "I can make you talk."

"No you can't."

"Yes, I can."

She shook her head. "Not going to work."

"Yes, going to work. And I don't even have to resort to old tactics," he explained, referring to the significant amount of tickling he had done as a child to make his sister talk, "All I have to do is mention your wedding and it'll make you cry..."

"No, it won't," Lauren rebutted, regardless of the fact that her eyes were already welling.

He smirked.

A single tear ran down her cheek. "Derek!" She exclaimed, wiping her face with her hand. "Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything."

"Still..." She trailed off, blinking away unwanted tears.

"Derek, leave your sister alone," Jane said, obviously finding humour in the fact that her very grown up children could still act like not-so-grown up children.

"I didn't say anything," he insisted.

Jane smiled and expertly changed the subject. "Tell us about work."

"Work is good," he answered, going along with the subject change despite the fact that the big brother in him wanted to tease his little sister. "There wasn't much to the department before I got there, so I've really had to push Richard for some funding, but I'm starting to see some positive changes. New equipment. More training."

"Not like your old practice?" Brian asked.

He shook his head. "Not at all, but I wouldn't change a thing. I can't believe I put up with private practice for as long as I did."

"And Meredith?" Jane prompted. "How's she liking her second year?"

"She's doing great," he said honestly. "She figured out her interns pretty quickly." He could still remember feeling vastly unable to manage three other people even into his third month with interns. "And she's kicking ass in surgery."

"She's that good?"

He nodded, not even trying to hide the pride he felt for his wife. "She's a natural. There's no doubt in my mind that she's going to be great."

Jane smiled at him, but said nothing.

"What?" He prompted.

"I'm just happy for you," she said softly. "You've got everything figured out."

He nodded, but was interrupted by the back door opening before he could say anything more. Laughter filled the air as Kathleen, Nancy and Meredith returned to the back patio. Nancy and Meredith were each carrying a pitcher of margaritas. Kathleen had two additional glasses, which she placed in front of Derek before settling back onto her seat across the table. The contents in the pitchers were quickly dispersed into the nine waiting glasses on the table.

The moment Meredith sat back down beside him, Derek slid his chair closer to hers and hooked his arm around her waist. He was happy, and he wanted to share that with her. She shot him a warm smile and leaned into him.

"We should make a toast," Jane declared, lifting her glass.

Derek reached for his glass, as did the rest of the table, but Meg cut them off before a toast could be made.

"Wait for me!" She called as she stepped out of the house. In her hands was a large, flat package wrapped in shiny, colourful paper.

Derek glanced at the rest of the table to confirm his suspicions.

Jane put down her glass and met Derek's eyes. "We know you two said you didn't want any wedding presents, but we had to get you something."

Meg dropped the package into Derek's lap and then sat down at the table.

Derek exchanged a glance with Meredith, who suddenly seemed uncertain. She didn't like being the centre of attention like this, and a childhood of neglect had made her hesitant about being given anything. He glanced back at the rest of the table. "You really didn't have to get us anything-"

"Nonsense." Jane waved her hand at his comment. "Think of it as more of a housewarming present than anything."

He smirked at his mother. "Well, then it's early."

"Just open the present, Derek," Jane said with fake exasperation.

Derek sighed and turned back to his wife, who still had an uncertain expression in her eyes, but met his gaze. "It'll make them happy," he told her.

She took a breath and offered him a smile. This was uncomfortable for her, but she was determined to do the family thing. He felt his heart swell at her effort and couldn't resist leaning in to kiss her, regardless of the audience or the unopened present in his lap.

"Okay," Nancy called after several seconds, waving her very full glass of margarita. "Some of us are thirsty. Open the damn present so we can toast."

Derek laughed. "Okay." He slid the present so that it was partially on Meredith's lap as well. He slid his finger under the seam of the paper to rip off a piece of tape. He nudged Meredith with his elbow and then ripped off another piece of tape. He nudged her again.

Meredith very slowly moved her hand towards the package.

Derek ripped off another piece of tape.

Meredith's hand came to rest on the package, but made no effort to participate in the unwrapping.

Derek ripped off the final piece of tape along the seam. He poked Meredith's hand, wanting her to help, even if just a little.

Meredith's hand moved to the center seam and one, two, three fingers hooked under the paper. She very slowly began to slide her hand down until she met another piece of tape and paused.

Derek covered her hand with his and pulled down so that they ripped through the entire center seam together, smiling as Meredith laughed at his actions. He laughed as well as they removed the rest of the paper together, revealing the back of a frame. He lifted it and turned it around to reveal-

"An empty picture frame; just what we always wanted," he announced. His family had gifted them with a large, rather nice, picture frame that was void of any actual pictures.

"The picture is coming," Meg announced. "We haven't taken it yet."

"Since we're going to have the entire family together this weekend, we're going to take a family picture tomorrow night at the rehearsal dinner," Jane explained. "It's about time we have an updated family picture. And we thought that since you two were moving into a new home and starting your lives together that you needed a reminder of your New York family. We'll find a way to get it printed before you fly home on Monday."

Beside him, Meredith leaned closer, and he immediately reached his arm around her middle, knowing what this must mean to her.

"Thank you," Derek said for both of them. He tightened his arm around his wife. "Our walls won't be bare."

Meredith's eyes were glistening, but she held her head up and offered the Shepherds a grateful smile. "Thank you," she echoed Derek, though there was clearly more levels to her gratitude. "This means..." She trailed off as her voice cracked. A single tear stream down her cheek, and she swiped at it. "I really _am _turning into Lauren," she complained.

"I told you it was contagious," Lauren said.

"This means more to me than I can say," she tried again.

Jane shrugged. "It's what we do for family."

Derek felt Meredith shudder, and ran his hand along her arm to offer some comfort, knowing she was overwhelmed.

With a knowing smile, Jane raised her glass. "The last couple years have seen a lot of changes for us, but I think they're for the better. Meredith and Nathan have joined us," she said, nodding to them both, "And we're lucky to have you both. Now we look forward to many, many years of happiness ahead of us. To family." She held her glass up.

Derek lifted his glass, and smiled as Meredith did so beside him. "To family," he echoed his mother with the rest of his family.


	111. Chapter 111

"You sure you want to do this?" Derek asked his sister as they stood together at the doorway to the wedding hall.

With her arm hooked around his, Lauren easily elbowed him in the ribs. "I never should have picked you for this."

"Why not? I'm an excellent aisle walker. I have an exceptional aisle walking gait." He bounced on the balls of his feet to emphasize his point.

Lauren laughed. "You're a dork."

He bumped her hip with his, and asked again, "You sure you want to do this? I have the getaway car all ready outside. Just say the word and-"

She elbowed him again. Harder.

"Ouch," he complained.

"Serves you right. Are you going to be like this tomorrow?"

He shrugged. "Of course. Today's the rehearsal. Therefore, I'm _rehearsing _what I'm going to do tomorrow."

"Great; that gives me about twenty hours to replace you."

"You can't replace me. I'm the centre of the show. They're all here for me," he motioned to small scene taking place at the bottom of the aisle. Their three sisters, Jane, and Nathan's mother were trying to decide exactly who would stand where during the ceremony. All three Shepherd sisters were bridesmaids and would stand with their sister, along with Lauren's daughter, Emily. Nathan's brother and two of his long time friends were standing with him. The four men were currently standing to the side in a semi-circle, chatting with Nathan's father. Meredith and Brian were sitting together a few rows back, acting as 'guests.'

She laughed out loud and leaned against him. "Thank you for being here."

He kissed her on the cheek. "You're my baby sister. I wouldn't _not_ be here for the world."

She smiled at him. "I like the new you."

"The new me?"

"Yeah." She nodded, and then cocked her head as she studied him. "Or, maybe not new. Maybe just...uncensored."

"Uncensored?"

"You didn't used to be like this. Well, you did; a long time ago. And then you stopped. I thought you changed. But now I think you just limited yourself for a long time. It's like you're _you_ again."

"I like being _me_ again." He smiled at the thought. Months and months ago, when Nancy had surprised him with a visit to Seattle, he hadn't been certain of who he was, and her comparisons to his previous life had sent him into a tailspin. He hadn't been able to handle her pointing out the many, many differences between his 'old' life and his 'new' life. He understood himself much better now, though, making him able to understand how his family saw him. He'd learned about himself, and he was actively learning how to interact with his family again; as _him_ and not the censored person he had made himself into for so many years.

Some of his progress he attributed to leaving New York and starting fresh in a new city and a new hospital. The rest he attributed to Meredith. She had given him the strength, support and understanding he needed to break free of his own constraints. She had loved him for him without any additional expectations. And that was what he had needed. He no longer felt the need to be someone he wasn't. He no longer felt the need to keep himself at a distance.

And now he was at his sister's wedding, feeling reconnected with his family. He felt like he could finally breathe properly.

"I like that you're _you_ again. I missed you."

"I won't stop being me ever again," he promised.

Lauren smiled at him. "Good. She's good for you, you know?"

"Meredith?"

"Who else?"

He laughed. "She is good for me."

"Did you feel like this?" Lauren asked. "Before you got married, I mean."

"Feel like what?"

Lauren sighed. "That may be my answer."

Derek studied his sister's tense face for a moment. Her lips were set in a thin line and her eyes couldn't seem to stay focussed on a single point. He had been joking with her in an attempt to calm her down, but now he realized she needed someone who could talk with her about her uncertainties. "Tense, but more anxious than nervous?"

Her eyes fixed on his for a long moment. "You did feel it."

He nodded. "I didn't doubt what I was about to do, but I wasn't perfectly calm leading up to the wedding. And it must be worse for you, seeing as you've been planning this thing forever, and Mer and I only had to wait a few days. It's the anticipation."

She took a deep breath. "You're a genius for eloping, do you know that?"

He laughed out loud, "I do know that I'm a genius. Thank you for finally recognizing it."

Lauren elbowed him again.

"Okay, seriously, stop doing that. I'm going to have a bruise soon."

"I'm really nervous," she admitted quietly.

"It'll stop before the wedding," he assured.

"It stopped for you?"

He nodded. "It did. The waiting is the problem. But once it's time, you'll stop being nervous. You'll become sure of what you're doing."

She took a deep breath and then nodded. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you're happy," he told her. "You deserve it."

"We both do."

"Well, we both are."

She smiled. "Yes, we are."

"Nathan's a good guy, and as long as he keeps you happy, I won't have to kill him."

Lauren laughed. "He will, don't worry." She paused and took a breath. "I'll be sure tomorrow?"

He nodded. "And if you're not, I'll have the getaway car ready."

"Derek!" She hissed, elbowing him again.

He laughed. "You'll be sure," he reassured.

"I just wish I wasn't so nervous."

"What can I do to keep your mind off it?"

"We're _at_ my wedding rehearsal, Derek. I sincerely doubt there's _anything_ you can say to take my mind off the fact that I'm getting married tomorrow."

"Then don't think of just the wedding," he suggested. "Think of what happens after. The wedding is only one day. Then you'll have a marriage. That's the point, right?"

Lauren met his eyes for a long moment. She offered him a soft smile. "I really do like this version of you."

"Yeah?"

Her smile grew. "Yeah. You're happy. I've never seen you like this."

"I've never felt like this," he said honestly, glancing towards his wife. Her back was to him as she spoke animatedly about something with his stepfather, her hands flying around for emphasis seemingly perfectly at ease with the fact that she was at his sister's wedding rehearsal and surrounded by his family.

"I'm still mad at you for moving across the country, but I'm glad you did it. She's kind of perfect for you."

"She is," he agreed.

"And she must have oodles of patience to put up with you."

Derek rolled his eyes in good nature. "I'm not that bad."

Lauren nudged him playfully. "No, I guess you're not. She's clearly head over heels for you, so you must be doing something right."

Derek's eyes landed on his wife again. She and Brian were laughing now, and from the direction they were facing, they were probably laughing at the on-going argument amongst the bridesmaids and mothers. He turned back to his sister and sighed at her expression. Like him, she focused on others when she didn't want to face what she was feeling. As much as he enjoyed listening as someone pointed out how much he and Meredith meant to each other, he knew he shouldn't let Lauren avoid her thoughts anymore. He had slowly begun to learn to face his feelings, and he knew from experience that it helped.

"Are you having second thoughts?" He asked quietly.

She stared into his eyes for a long moment, before very slowly shaking her head. "No. I don't think so. I... I love him, Derek. And he loves me. And he loves Emily."

Derek nodded, knowing Emily was the single most important thing in Lauren's world. She had given up everything for her daughter once upon a time. "He's good with her," he agreed. "And she's clearly very attached to him."

"He's going to adopt her," Lauren stated.

"I know."

Lauren released a shaky breath. "I just want this to be over. I want it to be a week later."

Derek carefully withdrew his arm from hers and pulled his sister into a hug. "You're allowed to enjoy this weekend. It's your wedding; you're supposed to enjoy it."

"I just feel like...something's going to go wrong," she whispered. "Like something bad is going to happen. Or...I don't know. I just feel like if I let my guard down, I'll be sorry."

"I felt like that for a while," Derek admitted. "After Addison. I was afraid to let myself be happy. When I first met Meredith, I spent a lot of time refusing to allow myself to look further into the future than a month or two. But then I couldn't imagine my life without her, so I had to get over it." He paused. "Then I almost lost her, and I was a complete basket case for weeks."

Lauren's eyes narrowed at his comment.

Derek sighed. "She almost died," he said quietly. "There was an incident at work." He shook his head. "She made it, but I couldn't stop dwelling on how close I came to losing her. I stopped letting myself imagine a future. And I became a little...crazy."

"Crazy?"

"She was a home recovering. I tried to go into work, but it was a disaster, so I went home and demanded we drive to Vegas and get married."

Lauren blinked once, twice, three times. And then she laughed. "I don't believe you."

Derek laughed as well, shaking his head at how crazy he had become. "It happened. I wanted everything to happen right away, just in case we didn't get a chance in the future. But she made me see reason. And I got through it; _we _got through it."

"But you still eloped."

"That was different. We _wanted_ to get married then. When I was crazy, I thought I _needed_ to get married."

Lauren's expression tightened.

Derek offered her a warm smile. "My point is; I was there when you went through hell. I was there when your world fell apart. And I know how easy it is to think all you have is right now. And I know how hard it can be to look into the future and see yourself being happy." He paused for effect. "But I also know that you deserve good things, Lauren. You're going to have a wonderful life with Nathan. Your world isn't going to fall apart again."

Her eyes filled with tears, so Derek pulled her into another tight hug.

"You're allowed to be happy. This is _your_ weekend. So, enjoy it. This is something to celebrate, not simply get through."

Lauren was silent for several moments before she pulled back and met his eyes. "I'm so glad you're here."

He laughed. "I wouldn't miss this."

"It's really going to be okay?"

Derek nodded. "I promise." He nodded towards the front of the wedding hall. "They're up there fighting about placement right now because they want this to be perfect for you. Why they think you'll care about exactly where everyone is standing, I don't know, but it's the thought that counts."

Lauren laughed out loud at his comment. "We're totally the normal ones."

"Totally."

She bumped his shoulder.

He bumped her shoulder back. "And if that's not enough to convince you, look at that perfect little girl of yours." Emily was standing with her aunts, seemingly overjoyed with be included.

Lauren smiled as her focus fell on her daughter. "She is pretty perfect."

He nodded. "And happy. You've been the perfect mom to her, no matter what. So, let yourself be happy, now, too."

"Okay."

He smiled and hooked his arm around hers. "Come on, you know they're never going to stop if we don't interrupt," he said as he tugged her towards the aisle.

After an initial moment of hesitation, Lauren went willingly.

"Okay," Derek said, as they reached the base of the aisle, "This is the part where we make a dramatic pause. The music will start. Everyone will rise. I'll be looking dashing in my tux, so most of the focus will be on me," he added as a joke, knowing to use as much humour as possible to keep Lauren as calm as possible.

Lauren laughed. "Fine with me. I hate being the center of attention."

"Next, we'll walk confidently down the aisle together." He tugged her forward again. "The girls will be in their _very_ specific places," he joked as he shook his head at the scene they were approaching. They were so wrapped up in their discussion that they hadn't even noticed Derek and Lauren's approach yet. "And Nathan will be waiting for you. I'll shoot him one last older brother warning glare, just to make sure he knows I'm serious about him treating you right."

She laughed again. "You're not really going to have that talk with him, right?"

He shrugged. "We'll see if it comes up."

Having nearly reached the altar, they stopped. "Here, we'll stop. I'll remind you one more time about the getaway car." He flinched as she elbowed him again. "And then I'll-"

"Derek!" Nancy hissed, having finally noticed their presence. "We're not ready for you yet. Get back down there."

Derek rolled his eyes. His sisters could be _far_ too girly for his tastes sometimes. "Lauren," he said loudly, addressing the mob in front of him and not Lauren. "Do you care exactly where people are standing?"

"Nope."

He nodded sharply. "It's settled then. Bridesmaids over there," he said, motioning to the left. "Groomsmen over there." He motioned to the right. "Mothers on their respective sides." He motioned to the front benches on both sides of the aisle. "I give away the bride." He kissed his sister on the cheek and then gave her a slight push towards Nathan, who was stepping forward now that he realized they were finally getting started. "And we begin." He sat on the front bench closest him.

Nancy, Kathleen and Meg were glaring at him and Nathan's mother looked shocked. But Nathan, his father and his groomsmen looked happy with the turn of events, Emily was laughing, and his mother was shooting him an amused smile. And, most importantly, Lauren was smiling.

"Dude, why couldn't you have done that twenty minutes ago?" Nathan's brother asked, clearly amused with Derek's actions.

"Okay, mister I-can't-be-bothered-to-plan-a-wedding-of-my-own-so-I-got-married-on-vacation," Kathleen said dryly, "Some of us think these things are important, so get off your ass, take Lauren back down the aisle and wait until we figure this out."

Derek opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off before he could say a word.

"Uh-oh," Emily said. "Auntie Kat said a bad word."

The adults all laughed at the comment, even Kathleen.

"She's sorry, honey," Lauren said, glancing at her sister, "Right Auntie Kat?"

Kathleen sighed before smiling down at her niece. "I didn't mean too, sweetie. I just find your Uncle Derek frustrating sometimes."

Emily huffed at her aunt. "But Uncle Derek is awesome!"

Derek beamed at the compliment from the eight year old, and then laughed as Emily jumped into his lap and hugged him. "Thank you, Em."

Still kneeling on his lap, she leaned back and smiled at him. "You're welcome, Uncle Derek."

"Emily," he began, "Do you think it matters exactly where your aunts stand?"

The eight-year-old shook her head. "Only Mommy and Nathan."

"The boss has spoken," Derek stated.

Emily giggled. "I'm not the boss!"

Lauren laughed at their interaction before turning to her sisters. "Derek's right. It's really not important that everyone stand in any particular spot, just the right side."

"But-" Nancy tried to argue, but was cut off.

"The waiting was making me a crazy person," Lauren admitted. "Let's just get through this so we can go eat."

Derek gave Emily a nudge towards her mother. "Go give your mom a hug."

With a giggle, Emily did as he requested, and Derek couldn't help but smile at the sight. Emily was a very happy and very loved little girl who loved her mother very much. He could only hope his and Meredith's kids would be that happy one day.

Despite their reluctance, the girls did concede to Lauren's request and got started with the rehearsal. Derek, having completed his job, stood and walked back several rows to join his wife and stepfather.

Brian, who was sitting closest to the aisle, clucked his tongue as Derek stepped past him to sit next to Meredith. "You should know better than to anger them when they're like this, Derek."

Derek chuckled as he collapsed next to Meredith, leaving her in the middle. "It was worth it to see the looks on their faces. Plus, Lauren wasn't handling the delay well."

Meredith laughed. "Well, it was very entertaining from here."

Derek laughed as well. "That's what I was going for."

"I've never seen you like that before."

He reached for her hand and threaded their fingers together, smiling at the sight of her colourful nails. The girls had planned a spa trip for that morning and Meredith had been included, although she hadn't been given much warning. She had been reluctant after breakfast when she had been told to be ready in five minutes, but when she'd returned hours later, complete with painted fingernails and toenails, she'd admitted to having a good time being pampered.

"Lauren needed it," he repeated. Had Lauren felt the placement was important he would have played the dutiful brother and waited as long as she needed. But she had needed something else entirely from him.

Meredith leaned against him. "I'm glad we didn't have to go through this," she whispered.

He smiled and squeezed her hand. "Me too." Their wedding had been perfect for them. No stressing over details that they felt were unimportant. No rehearsing. No undue stress or anxiety.

"But it is nice how much your family cares," she murmured. "Even if Lauren doesn't care about certain details, your family just wants everything to be perfect for her."

Derek nodded, feeling his heart swell at how well Meredith could read the Shepherds already. "They do care," he agreed, as he watched his sister get fake-married.

"It's nice," she whispered again.

Derek smiled and leaned his head against hers. It _was _nice, especially after knowing what Meredith had grown up with. He had taken for granted that he had always felt like he had a family, even if he had felt isolated from them for so long. "They would have done this for us," he murmured for only Meredith to hear, knowing she would understand what he was saying. His family weren't upset they hadn't been invited to the wedding, but if there had been a wedding, the Shepherds would have done anything and everything they could to help. Because they cared _that_ much.

She squeezed his hand. "Thank you for giving me a family, Derek," she whispered back.

* * *

"You're going the wrong way."

Derek shook his head before meeting his mother's eyes in the rear view mirror. After the rehearsal had _finally_ ended, the Shepherds had left the church in a small caravan of vehicles. As Meredith and Derek would be returning to Jane and Brian's house Sunday night before flying home on Monday, the four were driving together. The resort hosting the reception was about forty minutes drive from the church on the main road, but Derek was certain he could do it in thirty. "I'm taking a shortcut."

Jane clucked her tongue. "Such a man; never admitting to needing directions."

"That's because I _don't_ need directions," Derek insisted. "I know exactly where I'm going. I did grow up in this area."

"So did your sisters," Jane said dryly. "And none of them followed you."

Derek huffed.

"Dinner is in an hour and a half. And we need time to change and take the family picture," Jane reminded.

"We'll be there in plenty of time." He glanced to his stepfather, sitting in the passenger seat, for support, but Brian raised his hands and shook his head, signalling he was staying out of it.

Jane sighed and leaned back in her seat. She turned to Meredith, who was sitting next to her in the back of the car. "Meredith, really, how do you put up with him?"

Meredith giggled. "He's never gotten us lost," she said honestly. "There was one time I was a little worried after driving for _hours_ into the woods, but we ended up at a horse ranch."

"It wasn't hours," Derek retorted.

"A horse ranch?" Jane raised her eyebrow. "Derek, you rode a horse?"

He nodded. "Yes, I did."

"You're scared of horses."

"I am not."

"When your sister was riding, you never went near the barn."

"I wasn't afraid. I just didn't like being around my sisters."

Jane rolled her eyes in good humour. "You were afraid."

"I have proof," Meredith spoke up, pulling her phone out of her purse. She scrolled through the menus to display the picture they had had taken on their riding adventure. She handed the phone to Jane.

Jane laughed at the picture and then handed the phone to Brian. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes."

"You have so little faith in me, it hurts."

"You've been scared of horses your whole life," Jane said dryly, before laughing. "I should have known it would take a woman to convince you to get over your fear." She turned to Meredith. "How long did it take you to convince him?"

Meredith laughed as well. "Not that long."

Derek huffed. "I didn't need any convincing. It was on the list."

"The list?"

Derek nodded. "We have a list."

"Care to expand?"

"We have an ongoing list of things we want to do or try," he explained. "It gives us something to look forward to and reasons to do things outside the hospital."

"That's a good idea," Jane said. "It must be too easy to lose weeks of time in the hospital."

"Mmm-hmm, it is," Derek responded, suddenly distracted by the fact that he wasn't sure where he was. When he had turned off of the main road, he had been certain of his short cut, but now... Now he wasn't quite so certain.

"What else is on your list?" Jane asked.

When Derek didn't respond right away, Meredith stepped in. "Uh, not too much new right now. We've kind of checked off a lot in the last few months; horseback riding, going on vacation, snorkelling, getting married, finding a place to live... I'm sure once we've finally settled into the new house that we'll be able to sit down and think of some new things, right Derek?"

"Right," Derek said on instinct alone, not having processed his wife's words. This definitely wasn't the road he had thought it was. And, to make things worse, the road was gradually narrowing and becoming more and more bumpy. He definitely needed to figure out what he was going to do before things got any worse and his mother noticed. Brian had already shot him several concerned glances, but Derek had ignored them.

"...with all the time you two have had off, I hope the hospital is okay with it," Jane was saying.

"We've both been working a lot of extra shifts to make up for it," Meredith answered for them both. She met Derek's eyes in the rear view mirror and shot him a concerned look.

Derek tried to offer her a smile, but looked away. He was not ready to admit he was lost.

"Derek, is everything okay?" Jane asked. "You've gotten quiet."

"Its fine, Ma," he said quickly.

"I know that tone. What's wrong? Are you ready to admit you don't know where you are?"

Had his mother not sounded so much like she was gloating, Derek may have admitted he was lost. Really. He may have. But now he couldn't. He was lost, and he knew it. And his mother probably knew it. But he wasn't going to admit to it. "Nothing is wrong. I just think I may have missed my turn."

"You mean you made the wrong turn when you refused to follow your sisters."

"No. I mean-" He cut himself off when he spotted a small side road to his left. He signalled, despite the lack of any other vehicles on the road and slowed down. "See? I know exactly where I am."

Jane clucked her tongue and turned her attention back to Meredith. "So, Meredith, seeing as your husband it clearly intent on getting us good and lost, we have lots of time to talk. How's your second year of residency treating you?"

"I'm not lost," Derek argued, despite the fact that he knew, as he turned onto the new road, that he had never been on the road before in his life. All he knew was that it was going in the general direction of the resort.

"Meredith?" Jane prompted, ignoring her son.

"Oh, uh," Meredith stammered slightly, trying to decide whether to focus on Derek or focus on Jane. Derek met her eyes in the rear view mirror, begging her not to say anything to him. She cleared her throat and pasted a smile on her face as she turned back to Jane. "My second year is going well. Really busy, but well."

"You have interns of your own this year?"

Meredith nodded.

"And how is that working out?"

"Well, I wanted to kill them for the first month or two, but apparently that's normal. I kind of feel bad for my old resident now." She and Jane laughed together. "But seriously, my interns are doing a lot better now."

"That's good. It's nice when people actually listen to you and admit when they're in over their heads."

"Very passive aggressive, mom," Derek spoke up.

"Good. That's what I was going for," Jane said smartly before turning back to her daughter-in-law. "Have you operated alone yet?"

Meredith shook her head. "Not for another six months, probably. And even then it'll be highly supervised."

"Such a long process," Jane commented. "Have you chosen your specialty yet?"

"Not yet. I don't have to declare a specialty until the end of my third year."

"But we know what it's going to be," Derek spoke up.

Meredith laughed. "I don't know that I'm choosing neuro."

"I do."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

Jane smiled at the exchange. "It's probably smart not to follow him into neuro," she smirked at Derek in the rear view mirror, "He'll probably get you lost."

Derek shook his head. "I'm not lost."

"Did I say you were?"

"You implied it," he said dryly, before turning his attention back to the road he'd never driven on before. With any luck, he would find a way to a main road and arrive within a comparable time with his sisters.

"We're supposed to be taking the family photo _before_ dinner," Jane reminded. "We can't miss that."

"We won't."

"It's okay if you're lost, Derek. We have time to go back."

"I'm not lost," he said through gritted teeth, praying he was right.

"Sure you aren't."

Derek spotted a sign up ahead and bit back a smirk. "I'm not lost," he said with much more confidence that before as he pulled the car to a stop at the side of the main road. "The resort's just south of here, right?" He asked as he made the turn.

"I..."Jane trailed off as soon as she started. "How did you possibly know to use that road?"

"Like I told you; shortcut." He passed a sign for the resort and allowed himself a smile. "You were saying?" He gloated.

Jane met his eyes in the rear view mirror. "Do you know how many times I drove out here while Lauren planned the wedding? Why didn't you tell me about this shortcut months ago?"

Derek shrugged. "You never asked."

A few short minutes later, he turned down the quiet road that led to the resort. He'd never been there before, but his sister had sent him a link for the resort's website months earlier. Situated away from main roads, on the edge of a lake, it was quiet and removed from the rest of the world. Lauren and Nathan's family and friends would be the only guests for the weekend.

"Here we are," Derek announced as he pulled into the parking lot. "The girls are a good ten minutes behind us, if not more."

"Let it go, Derek."

Derek chuckled as he put the car into park and turned off the ignition. "All I'm looking for is a little recognition..."

"Fine, good shortcut, Derek," Jane said flatly. "I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

He smiled. "You're forgiven."

Jane rolled her eyes as she opened her door and got out of the car.

Derek got out of the car as well and stretched before meeting everyone at the trunk. He helped pull all of the suitcases and bags from the vehicle and then reached for Meredith's hand as the four of them headed towards the front doors of the resort.

"You are so freaking lucky," Meredith hissed.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he hissed back.

She giggled. "You were totally lost," she said. "You may have fooled your mother, but I saw the fear in your eyes."

He bumped her shoulder with his as they walked together. "Please don't tell on me."

She laughed. "You owe me."

He shot her a smirk. "I'll make it worth your while."

They fell silent as they reached the front doors and stepped into the lobby. Jane and Brian stepped up to the front desk to check them in. Instead of immediately following suit, Derek and Meredith hung back.

"Wow, this place is really nice," Meredith commented, leaving her suitcase by the side of the lobby and taking several steps forward to take in the room. Sun shone through three flights worth of glass windows and a huge skylight above them. A spiral staircase wove its way up all three stories with one complete twist between each. At its base was a small sitting area of antique furniture. The walls that weren't made of glass were covered in framed photos of nature, making the entire room seem both fancy and down to earth at the same time.

Derek followed his wife into the centre of the room and wrapped his arms around her waist. "You know, this is the third time in four months that we've been away together."

Meredith sighed and relaxed into him. "Mmm, I could get used to this."

"Me too," he murmured into her hair before pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

"We should come up with some new places we want to go and add them to our list. We've let it get short," she told him. "I couldn't come up with anything left to tell your mother about that wasn't porny."

Derek chuckled. "There's got to be something non-porny left..."

She giggled. "See, you can't come up with anything either."

"Tobogganing," he said. "We haven't done that yet."

"Fine we have one thing left that is G-rated. But we can't do that until it snows anyway."

"We'll come up with some new G-rated things," he promised. "Like buying appliances. And furniture. And painting our new home."

Meredith leaned back in his arms and met his eyes. Hers were sparkling.

"What?"

She smiled. "Nothing. It's just...I guess we have new types of things to look forward to now. We're past the getting-to-know-you stage and on to the..." She trailed off.

"Building-a-life-with-you stage?" He substituted.

Her smile grew. "Exactly. I still want to do fun things like horseback riding with you, but this new stuff, like painting our new house, is kind of awesome, too."

He pecked her on the lips. "You're kind of awesome."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Corny."

"Maybe, but it's true."

She placed one hand on his chest. "You're kind of awesome, too."

"Now who's corny?"

"I blame you," she accused. "I was never like this before."

"Well, I for one am glad you're like this now," he murmured. "And I'm glad you put up with me being like this."

She smiled at him in the way that made his heart tug in his chest, but they were interrupted before she could say anything.

"Derek Shepherd!" An excited voice called across the lobby.

Derek turned and smiled as he recognized his mother's sister heading towards them. "Hi, Aunt Julie."

Julie smiled warmly as she hugged him. "It's been far too long, Derek."

He hugged her back. "It has." His Aunt Julie had always been a favourite when he was growing up. She was younger than his mother, by several years, and had taken pride in doing her best to corrupt her sister's kids before she had her own. She had always been the 'fun' aunt.

"You look good, kiddo," she said as she pulled back. "Where are you living now? Seattle?"

He nodded.

"That's a long way for a weekend."

"It's for Lauren," he said simply. "I would have been here no matter what."

Julie smiled warmly at him before her gaze caught on Meredith. "And who is this lovely lady?"

Derek smiled back as he hooked his arm around Meredith's waist. "This is my wife, Meredith. Mer, this is my Aunt Julie. She's my mom's sister."

"Wife?" Julie asked, glancing between the two of them. "Since when?"

"Uh, about three and a half months."

"Well, congratulations!" She said brightly. "I didn't know." She offered Meredith a hand. "It's so nice to meet you. You won't do better than my nephew, here."

"It's nice to meet you, too," Meredith said, shaking Julie's hand. "And...I know."

"Jane," Julie called to her sister as Jane and Brian approached, "Why didn't you tell me Derek got married?"

"I told you."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. I sent you an e-mail."

"You know how much I hate e-mail."

"Then why do you have it?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Yes, it is."

Derek chuckled as he watched his mother and aunt banter. "Now I know where we get it from," he commented, referring to himself and his sisters.

Jane glared at him, and he flinched. "We're going to go check in," he said, as he reached for Meredith's hand and tugged her towards the check in counter.

"Welcome," the receptionist greeted.

"Thank you." Derek said with a smile. "We're checking in under Shepherd."

"There's a few of those this weekend," the receptionist joked.

He nodded. "Yes, there are. But we're the best ones."

"That's what I hear."

He laughed. "The reservation's under Derek Shepherd." He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and passed the receptionist his credit card and driver's license.

"For two?"

He nodded, and felt the corners of his lips tug upwards. He could remember checking into the New York hotel alone four months ago after he had arrived without Meredith. _For one,_ the receptionist had asked when Derek had checked in. Alone. At the time he had been depressed and afraid he had made the wrong decision by telling Meredith to get on the plane to Hawaii with Cristina and Izzie. But now, he was nothing but happy. Meredith was leaning against the counter beside him, clearly comfortable with his family and happy to be there. She wasn't going anywhere without him. "For two," he echoed, hooking his arm around Meredith's waist and pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

"Lake view or garden view?"

Derek glanced at Meredith.

"Lake view," she said. "With a balcony, if possible."

"You are in luck. We have one lake view with a balcony left." After a minute of processing the request, she passed a set of key cards across the desk to Derek and Meredith. "Third floor, right at the end of the hall," she said, motioning to the right. "There's an elevator about two thirds of the way down the hall."

"Thank you," Derek said.

"Thanks," Meredith echoed.

"Enjoy your stay."

They rejoined Jane, Brian and Julie. "All checked in?" Jane asked.

Derek nodded. "Last lake view room with a balcony."

"That's a very coveted room, Derek," Julie said. "Your sisters will be jealous."

He shrugged. "Serves them right for taking the long way here."

Beside him, Meredith laughed, causing him to laugh as well. He glanced at his watch. "Picture's in a little less than an hour. Where are we meeting?"

"Out by the lake. I think that's the best backdrop," Jane said.

He nodded. "Sounds great. We're going to go get changed. We'll meet you there."

After retrieving their suitcases, they made their way to the elevators and then up to the third floor. As expected, their room was right at the end of the hall. "Here we are," he announced, pulling the key card out of his pocket. He swiped it three times, unsuccessfully, before Meredith pulled it from his hands and swiped it successfully on the first try.

"Smartass," he muttered.

She giggled and stretched up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I'm a woman of many talents."

He snaked an arm around her waist and kissed her again before ushering her into the room first.

"Okay, I could totally live here," she announced as she stepped into the room. Tastefully decorated and airy without being too large, the hotel room was laid out like a small, open concept apartment. The door opened up into a living area, complete with a small kitchenette and floor to ceiling windows overlooking trees and the edge of the water.

Derek followed Meredith into the bedroom to the left. Glass doors across the bedroom led to the balcony overlooking the lake. "We're going to have an even better view at home soon," he told her as they stepped out onto the balcony together.

"That's true," she said as she leaned against the railing and stared out at the view. "I can't wait."

Derek tucked himself behind her, his arms around her middle and his chin resting on her shoulder. "Me neither." He rubbed his cheek against hers. "We'll be able to look out at a view like this every day," he murmured.

She leaned back into his chest and sighed. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He ducked his head to pressed several kisses to the crook of her neck. "And my family loves you."

"I kind of love them," she admitted.

He tightened his arms around her.

"I feel stupid for being nervous."

"This is new for you," he reminded. "It's normal to be nervous."

"I guess." She turned in his arms and snaked her hands around his neck. "I'm not nervous anymore."

He pressed her back against the stone railing of the balcony and kissed her. "I'm glad," he whispered against her lips.

She mumbled something unintelligible, but he had already closed his lips over hers again, and by the time he pulled away they were both breathless. "Derek," she moaned.

He pressed his forehead against hers as he fought to catch his breath. "We don't have much time."

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled him down for another long, deep kiss. Derek pressed even closer as he lost himself in the kiss. She tasted so good and felt so good. He needed to be even closer. He scooped her up in his arms and blindly carried her back into the bedroom without breaking the kiss. She moaned as he set her on the bed, but he quickly closed the space between them again. His lips found the sensitive skin of her neck.

Her fingers threaded their way into his hair as she turned her head to grant him the most access to her neck. "Derek," she said.

"Mmm," he moaned against her soft skin.

"Derek," she said again. "Stop. We need to...stop."

Breathing hard, he stopped, but remained hovering over her body, his face pressed into her neck.

Her fingers released their hold on his hair and her hand slid down to the back of his neck. "I...I...We need to stop," she whispered.

"Stopping," he mumbled.

"Sorry. But we have like half an hour until we need to be dressed up and outside with your family. There's no way we can do...this and be ready in time."

With a groan, Derek rolled so he was resting on his back next to his wife. "We could be really fast," he suggested, knowing it was a lost cause. There was no way they could have sex and be ready in time.

She laughed. "I wish. But we'd lose track of time and they'd have to come and find us... That would be mortifying. Or we'd be quick enough, but they'd know."

"How would they know?"

"I'd have sex hair."

He chuckled. "Sex hair?"

"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. "I spent like an hour on my hair before the rehearsal." She'd made is wavy like he liked. "And you'd go and destroy it and make it look all crazy."

"They wouldn't know," he bantered. "You could just say it's a look."

"I'd know."

"So?"

"Derek, there's this family picture thing, which your family is including _me_ in. And they bought this beautiful frame and everything... And that picture is going to hang on our wall for the rest of our lives. So, even if they don't know it's sex hair, _I'll_ know. And I'll know every time I look at the picture, which will be every day for the rest of my freaking life."

"You over think things."

She giggled. "I do not. It's true. I've never done this before, and I'd rather my first family picture be taken without sex hair."

"This is your first family picture?"

"Do I really need to remind you of my lack of family before you? Whose family do you think I was taking pictures with?" Her tone was light and teasing, but still managed to tug at his heart.

He turned on his side and propped up his head on his hand. "I'm sorry."

She smiled and mirrored his position. "It's okay."

He reached for her hand and threaded their fingers together. Her strength never ceased to amaze him and made it easy to forget how this all was to her. "So, you're like a family picture virgin."

She giggled, but scrunched her nose. "Don't make it dirty."

Derek chuckled. "Sorry. My incredibly sexy wife is lying beside me in bed talking about sex hair; I can't help myself."

Meredith sat up. "I'm removing myself from the situation before we lose control."

Derek groaned, but followed suit. "Good idea." He pressed a relatively chaste kiss to her cheek. "I'm going to have a quick shower."

"Okay."

With a sigh, Derek stood and headed into the bathroom. After a quick – and cold – shower, Derek wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped back into the bedroom. He immediately groaned at the sight that greeted him. Meredith stood with her back to him, rifling through the suitcase she had put on the bed, dressed only in a bra and panties. "Seriously, Mer, are you trying to kill me?"

Meredith turned to face him and smirked. "Says the guy who's wearing only a towel."

He glanced down at himself and then smirked at his wife. "I guess we're not being very efficient today."

She laughed. "No, we're not." She pulled her makeup bag out of her suitcase. "I'm going to snag the bathroom to do my makeup. You get dressed. If we avoid all contact, we may make it out of here on time."

Derek laughed as she passed him. "You don't need makeup," he called after her. "You're gorgeous without it."

"Not helping!" She called from the bathroom.

He chuckled and shook his head as he turned away from the bathroom to focus on getting dressed. He smiled as he spotted his suitcase on the bed next to Meredith's. She was always so thoughtful. Pulling out underwear and a pair of pants, he quickly replaced the towel around his waist. Next, he pulled his bag of toiletries out of his suitcase and headed into the bathroom.

"I told you to get dressed," Meredith said flatly as he joined her next to the mirror. She was leaning over the counter, as close to the mirror as possible, applying mascara.

"I'm dressed."

"You're naked from the waist up."

"And you're still only wearing a bra and underwear."

"In what was the privacy of the bathroom."

He ducked his head to press a kiss to her bare shoulder. "It doesn't matter. Just knowing that you were in here mostly naked was enough for me."

"Derek..."

"I had to come in here. You know I have to get stuff in my hair before it starts to dry."

She laughed. "You and your hair products." She finished with the mascara. "Good thing I'm finished here. How do I look?" She stepped back and offered him a smile.

"Very sexy."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Derek, focus. Do I look presentable for a family photo?"

He allowed his gaze to trail down her barely covered body and then back up to her eyes. He shook his head. "Absolutely not."

She playfully swiped a hand across his bare chest and left him alone in the bathroom. By the time he had finished with his hair, she returned to the doorway of the bathroom dressed in a medium length skirt and a navy blue top. "How about now?"

He smiled warmly at her. "You look beautiful."

She smiled back. "Family picture presentable?"

"Absolutely. Me?"

She tossed his light blue button down at him, catching him off guard. "You will when you put a shirt on."

He obediently donned the shirt and began buttoning it up as he joined his wife in the bedroom. "Okay, we've managed to retain control. I'm proud of us."

Meredith giggled as she completed her look with a pair of earrings. "I'm proud of us too."

"And we even have time to spare..."

She shook her head, but couldn't hide her smirk from him. "Yeah, like three minutes."

Derek smiled softly as he moved towards his wife and pulled her into a hug.

She hugged him back, but sighed. "Seriously, Derek, we really only have about three minutes and I really don't want to take the picture with-"

"Sex hair," he finished for her. "I know, and I get it. I'm not trying to start anything; not now, anyways. First picture, then dinner, and then we can come back up here and give you sex hair."

She giggled. "Deal."

"Deal," he echoed.

Derek ran his hand up and down along her spine. "Have we gone through our three minutes yet?"

"Probably."

He sighed and pressed a kiss to her cheek as he released her. "Let's go."

"Okay." She smiled at him before sitting onto the side of the bed and pulling on a pair of shoes. "Are you okay being in charge of the key card?" She asked.

"I think I can handle that," he said, tucking it into his pocket.

"Good, then I won't have to take my purse," she said as she stood.

He smiled and stepped in to kiss her again. "Heels," he murmured between soft kisses at the realization that he didn't need to lean down at all to kiss her.

She nodded. "Just little ones."

He pecked her lips one more time before stepping back slipping on his own shoes. "Shall we?"

Meredith giggled and lead the way to the door. They took the elevator down to the main floor and followed the hallway back to the lobby, and then through the back doors to the outside patio. Most of the family was already there, and they were swarmed with nieces and nephews until Jane took control of the masses and started placing people by the lake for the picture.

"Is there anything about family photo taking I should know about?" Meredith asked quietly.

"Well, it's a very complex event. I don't know that I have time to go over all the technicalities-" He cut off when Meredith elbowed him in the side. "Okay, I deserved that."

"I've never done this before and you're making fun of me. That's not very husbandly."

"Maybe not, but you're stuck with me," he retorted.

She laughed, but leaned into him. "I'm okay with that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "I've grown kind of attached."

He chuckled and couldn't help but place a kiss to her cheek. "You know what? I've grown a little attached to you myself."

"Good."

"Derek!" Jane called, pulling them both from their quiet moment.

He glanced at his mother.

"Please, pay attention."

"Sorry, Ma," he called back. Clearly, Jane had had to call them more than once.

"You two get in on the right," she said, pointing.

"Of course," he said, taking Meredith's hand as they made their way towards the spot, joining most of the family. The couples stood together, but the kids were scattered and not necessarily closest to their parents.

"This is a little crazy," Meredith whispered for only him to hear as Jane and Brian joined the placement last.

"Why?" He whispered back.

"It's just...I'm dressed up, in a field, about to take a family picture with your massive family."

"So?"

"So?" she echoed. "So, it's just...it's not scary. And that's a little weird."

"You know why it's not scary anymore?" He asked as the photographer told everyone to smile.

"Why?"

"Cause they're _our_ family now," he told her, right in time for the photograph to be taken.


	112. Chapter 112

Cool October air breezed through the open balcony window and into the hotel bedroom. Meredith moaned as the breeze found exposed skin, and tried to burrow further under the sheets and closer to her husband's warm body. Unfortunately, the sheets had become twisted during their late night – and early morning – activities, and she was unable to find full protection from the wind. "'s cold," she complained as she pressed her face into Derek's chest.

Derek shifted to accommodate her change in position. "Cold?" He asked sleepily, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"Cold," she confirmed.

"I'm not cold," he said with a sigh, pulling her body against his.

"That's because you're a freaking oven," she told him with a sigh as she snuggled even closer. His skin was _so_ warm against hers.

He chuckled and lifted his head to glance over her. "The balcony door is open."

"We must have left it open on our way back in," she said, unable to stifle a smirk. "We were a little distracted."

"Hmm, balcony sex. Good times."

"We'll be able to have balcony sex at home in a few weeks."

"That's a good point."

Another gust of wind entered the room, causing Meredith to shiver and pull even closer to her husband.

Derek pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder and rolled away.

"Hey," she complained. "You were the only thing keeping me warm."

"I'm just shutting the door so that you don't freeze," he said softly, as he padded naked across the small bedroom. A moment later she heard the door shut. Derek paused at the base of the bed. "Don't yell at me for doing this. It'll be better in the long run."

"What are you going to do?" She asked, before yelping as the sheets that had been lying haphazardly over parts of her body lifted away without warning. "Derek!" She cried, now completely exposed to the cold temperature of the room.

"I said not to yell at me," he said with a chuckle as he laid the sheets down evenly over the bed and her body. "It was just for a second."

She sat up, grasping the sheets to her bare chest. "I never agreed not to yell at you," she pointed out. "Now, get back in here," she demanded, "It's freezing!"

"Bossy," he retorted as he slid under the sheets and reached for her.

"Mean," she countered.

He pulled her snug against his chest, wrapped his arms around her and draped a leg over hers. His hand ran lazy circles along her back. Meredith sighed in content as his warmth permeated her chilled body. She pressed her face into the crook of his neck, closed her eyes and inhaled. He always made her feel so safe. If she could, she'd bottle this feeling and take it with her everywhere she went. She smiled and almost laughed at the thought.

"What?" He asked softly, having felt her body tense as she tried not to laugh at her own embarrassing thoughts.

"Nothing," she said back. He already knew he had ignited a corny, mushy side of her; he didn't need to know _just_ how successful he had been.

"Getting warmer?"

"Mmm, yes." She snaked her arm under his and rested her palm against his spine. "I love that you're always so warm."

"Well, I love that you're always so cold. It's a good excuse to press up against you."

She giggled. "I didn't know we needed an excuse."

He pulled back just far enough to capture her lips with his. "I'll keep that in mind for the future," he whispered after kissing her breathless.

"Okay with me," she panted.

Rolling towards her, he pressed her onto her back and hovered over her. His lips found the sensitive spot where her shoulder met her neck, and she felt her body start to respond to his. She hooked her leg around his thighs to force him closer. She could feel his arousal growing against her.

"This will warm you up even faster," he mumbled against her clavicle as his lips dipped lower.

She buried her fingers in his hair to direct his movements. "Already pretty warm, now."

He lifted his head to meet her eyes. "Does that mean you want me to stop?"

She sat up and kissed him, hard. "Don't you dare."

"Bossy," he retorted once she pulled away.

She giggled and lay back against the pillow, pulling him with her. "Like you'd be able to stop."

He kissed her one, two, three times. "You may have a point."

She pressed against his shoulder and rolled them so she was straddling his lower torso. "How much time until we need to be at breakfast?"

"I don't care," was Derek's response.

Meredith leaned down so her lips were only inches from his, and smiled as his hands pulled the sheets up to her shoulders to keep her warm from the still-cold air in the room. "Seriously, Derek, how long?"

"As long as we want. In fact, we can stay in here all day..."

"And miss your sister's wedding?"

"Lauren would understand."

She laughed. "Because _that_ wouldn't be an awkward conversation. Plus, you're walking her down the aisle; that's kind of an important job. I think she'd notice if you weren't there."

Derek grumbled something unintelligible and pulled her down to kiss her.

Meredith gave in to the kiss and allowed him to distract her for several minutes. When she finally pulled away, she was breathless and her hair had fallen around them.

Derek chuckled and managed to pull most of her hair away from his face.

"Breakfast," she prompted before he could pull her into another kiss.

"Most important meal of the day," he responded. "Occurs between dinner and lunch."

She laughed despite herself, and swatted at his bare chest. "Do you want me to get out of bed and leave you here alone? Because I'll do it."

He stretched up to kiss her again, softly this time. "Please don't," he murmured, despite the fact that they both knew it was an empty threat.

She moaned and kissed him back. "I don't think I could, anyway," she admitted.

He smiled at her before craning his head to glance at the clock. "We have about an hour before breakfast."

"And we still have to shower and get dressed."

He flipped them again so that she was pressed between him and the mattress. "We'll just have to make this quick," he mumbled as he pressed his lips against hers.

"We could," she agreed between kisses, "Or we could share a shower...save time that way..."

He lifted his head far enough to meet her eyes. "Shower sex?"

"Only if you do the bendy thing."

He kissed her again. "Agreed."

* * *

After a long shower together, Meredith and Derek had dressed and joined their family for breakfast. Lauren had been at breakfast, but hadn't eaten anything. She had looked pale and tense. Nathan hadn't spent the night at the resort, as per the groom-doesn't-get-to-see-the-bride-before-the-wedding rule, and would be heading to the church with his groomsmen before the ceremony. About three hours before the ceremony was scheduled, Derek had been sent to meet Nathan and the groomsmen to drop off matching corsages that they would all be wearing, Derek included. With her husband gone and his sisters all preparing for the ceremony, Meredith pulled on a pair of sneakers and headed out to explore the land. She had already laid out the dress she would be wearing to the ceremony and applied her makeup, so she wasn't worried about time.

After slipping her key card into her jeans pocket, she left the hotel room, took the elevator down to the ground floor and found the closest outside door.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was out and the sky crystal blue. The temperature had increased significantly since that morning, making it tee shirt weather despite the lateness in the year. Thick, green grass led right to the edge of the short cliff that overlooked the lake. Below the cliff was a small beach.

She made her way towards the water and walked along the short cliff as she contemplated her thoughts. A year earlier, she had been in a relatively new relationship with a man she was just getting to know. She had been in love, but apprehensive; hopeful, but tentative. Now, though, that man was her husband, the love had only intensified and the apprehension was gone.

She wouldn't have believed, a year ago, that she'd be here now; across the country, staying at a resort with Derek's extra large family, celebrating his sister's wedding, and happy about it all. She had grown, or whatever. The thought made her smile. She had a family now. A family that was bigger than just Derek and her friends.

Twisting her wedding band around her finger, she contemplated her life in another year. Five years. Ten. There would be kids eventually. Most likely two. Would they have started trying in a year? Maybe. They'd talked about kids, but never implemented any kind of timeline. At home, where she was working her ass off to get through her residency, the thought of fitting kids into her life didn't come up very often. But out here, surrounded by Derek's sisters, who were all doctors and all had kids, it was hard not to think about it. The Shepherds made cute kids, and she knew hers and Derek's would be no exception.

She was only in her second year of residency now, so kids were a little impractical, but maybe during her third year. Or her fourth. Bailey had done it, which made Meredith confident she and Derek could make it work. Bailey had balanced a newborn with residency, interns and a husband. And now she had a less-than-one year old, a husband and was Chief Resident. And she was happy and confident and dependable. She was Meredith's role model.

Stopping to stare out at the water, Meredith allowed herself a moment to think about hers and Derek's future babies. She laid her hand over her lower abdomen and was surprised to feel an ache well inside of her. It wasn't time now, she knew. She and Derek deserved some time to be newlyweds, and she needed time to get further into her residency, but still... Being around all the cute Shepherd kids, and their happy and proud parents, made it hard to not think about babies in more of a soon timeframe than a future timeframe.

Not soon, but not so distant future either, she told herself. She'd talk to Derek and make some decisions about when the best time was. He'd been through residency, so he'd have a better idea of what her workload would be like each year.

With a sigh, she removed her hand from her abdomen and continued along the edge of the short cliff, wishing her husband could be beside her. She'd have to insist they took a walk the next morning before check out. He'd want to see this view.

Curious about the beach and spotting what looked like a path down to it, Meredith made a beeline and carefully made her way down the rocky path. She was about six feet from the beach when she slipped on a damp rock, flailed as she unsuccessfully tried to find footing, slid the rest of the way down, landed on her ass and smacked her injured arm against a large rock on the way down.

"Ouch," she hissed, cradling her injured arm with her good one as she waited for the stinging to subside. She hadn't hit it hard, but she'd hit it right over the sutures Derek had placed three days earlier.

"Are you okay?"

Not having expected to bump into any people, the concerned voice took Meredith by surprise and she leapt to her feet, clutching her hands to her chest. Her gaze immediately found the tense figure sitting cross legged on the large boulder by the base of the cliff.

"Lauren," she sputtered. "You scared the crap out of me."

Lauren cracked a smile. "And you didn't scare me? Jumping in out of nowhere like that?"

"Well, that wasn't so much jumping as it was falling," she retorted as she stepped closer to her sister-in-law.

Lauren's smile grew. "You know, there are stairs about fifty feet further down."

"I didn't know that," Meredith said, gazing down the beach, "But I'll know for next time."

"Good, you don't want to hurt yourself. Is your arm okay?"

Meredith nodded. "I think so." She poked at the bandage and cringed. "I'll get Derek to take a look at the sutures when he gets back, but I think I just smacked it pretty good."

"Sutures?"

"Yeah, there was...an accident at work on Wednesday. I ended up in an upside down ambulance and cut my arm."

Lauren raised an eyebrow. "Okay, now this is a story I definitely need to hear." She patted the rock next to her.

Meredith sat, but frowned. "Are you okay?" The wedding was in less than three hours, so finding the bride hiding out under a cliff all alone probably wasn't a good sign.

"I just needed a breather."

"But your sisters-"

"Probably haven't realized I'm missing. They get a little crazy about these things."

"I, uh..."

"Please, just tell me the story," Lauren said with a sigh.

"Okay," she relented. "A paramedic had a seizure while driving into our ambulance bay. She hit another ambulance, and it flipped over. Both paramedics inside were trapped." She sighed as she thought of Stan and Ray. "Stan didn't make it, but Ray was stuck upside down with an oxygen regulator imbedded in his back and a cardiac tamponade. We had to remove the pressure before we moved him, so I did a pericardiocentesis in the ambulance."

"With the patient hanging upside down?"

Meredith nodded.

Lauren whistled. "Wow."

"I was pretty much terrified the entire time. I didn't even realize I'd cut myself until I was out. There was glass everywhere."

"Did he make it?"

Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "He did." It didn't make up for Stan not making it, but it helped. She'd tried to keep her thoughts on the present over the past few days, and away from Stan, but now she wondered about his wife, Sarah, and how she was doing. "Stan was conscious for a long time before he..." She trailed off, not needing to finish the sentence. "And his wife worked at Grace. I had to go and get her."

"They got to say goodbye?"

Meredith felt tears well in her eyes as she nodded. "They did. It was hard to watch."

"I'll bet."

She glanced at her sister-in-law and swallowed the lump in her throat. Lauren needed her to be positive right now. "It's stuff like that that makes you realize you have to live in the now and go for things that make you happy."

Lauren offered her a small smile. "You're not being very discreet."

Meredith made a face. "Yeah, discreet has never been my strong suit." She sighed. "I'm also not good at the family thing. Do you want me to get someone? Your mom, maybe?"

Lauren shook her head. "You're better at the family thing then you think you are."

"Oh," Meredith said, falling silent as she fought for something to say. Lauren clearly needed someone who could read the situation, offer some sort of advice and make her feel better. Being the girl who was new to the family thing and had landed in a heap practically at Lauren's feet was making Meredith feel vastly inadequate for the role of supportive sister-in-law.

"I'm not planning on running away."

"Sure," Meredith said with a nod, and motioning towards the water. "You'd probably have a much better chance swimming away." She may not be able to offer advice, but she could offer humour.

Lauren laughed out loud. "Not thinking about that either. I promise."

"Okay. Well, that's...good."

"I just needed to get away. I'm..." She trailed off for a moment, and when she started talking again, her voice was quieter. "I think I'm just overwhelmed."

"That's understandable. There's a lot going on."

"Derek told me I'd feel better before the wedding, but I still feel..." She sighed. "I want to feel more confident."

"You're about to have a big ceremony in front of like a hundred people," Meredith said, flinching as she finished. "Sorry, that came out wrong. See? I told you I wasn't good at this. What I was trying to say was, there's a lot of pressure on you today, so it's natural that you feel overwhelmed."

Lauren nodded. "I knew what you were trying to say." She sighed again. "I wish we could have eloped like you and Derek. It seems so...easy. But I wanted Emily to see something normal, and part of me..." She trailed off.

"Part of you?" Meredith prompted gently.

"I don't know." Lauren shook her head. "I feel like I've always been the screw up child and I just wanted to prove to everyone that I could handle all of this."

Meredith felt her brow furrow and again felt entirely inadequate to deal with Lauren's emotions. Fortunately, Lauren continued before Meredith came up with a response.

"I was the youngest. And I struggled in school. And I got pregnant." She glanced at Meredith. "And I'm sure Derek told you about what happened with Emily's dad."

Meredith nodded.

"And it took me two extra years to graduate med school because of it. And then I was the single mom. And even when I finally met Nathan I remember being so scared to tell the family about him because of what they might think. And now... Now I wonder if they're just waiting for me to fall down again so they can pick me back up. I dreamt about my wedding when I was little, and I _want_ this. I just want to be able to want to want this, if that makes sense."

Meredith nodded slowly. "It makes sense. I think I may be one of the few people who has been screwed up enough to actually understand exactly what you're saying. Doing the family thing and wanting the big wedding and all that; that I don't get. Feeling inadequate? That I definitely get." She paused. She had never planned on telling any of Derek's family much about her past, but knowing how much Lauren needed to hear it made it easy to tell, "I didn't grow up like you and Derek. I had a neglectful mother and a father who disappeared when I was five. I grew up alone, always secretly wanting the big family, but not even admitting it to myself very often. And it took me extra time to graduate from med school. I wasted several years after college because I had no idea what to do with myself. I wanted to be a doctor, but I was actually going to not go to med school just because my mother wanted me to." She shook her head at the thought. "I felt really lost for a long time."

"Yeah..." Lauren agreed. "I know what that feels like."

"But then I got over myself and went to med school, and moved to Seattle. And I met Derek."

Lauren turned to meet her gaze.

"I was terrified to meet you guys," she admitted. "Absolutely terrified. I had no frame of reference for what a family was supposed to be like, because mine had never been there for me. But Derek promised me everything would be okay, and I came out here and met you guys. And it was...good. And it's probably because I'm new to the family thing and I hyper-analyze everything with you guys, that I can honestly tell you that no one thinks you're a screw up."

Lauren blinked several times as tears lined her eyes.

"Derek loves you so much," Meredith continued. "He's been excited about this weekend for months. And the fact that you want him to walk you down the aisle... He's absolutely honoured. He wants you to be happy. And he likes Nathan. He thinks you made a really good choice. And absolutely never has he given any indication that he disapproves or that he expects you to fail. He wants you to succeed. And I guess that's what family is; they want good things for you and will do everything they can to make you happy. Like yesterday, at the rehearsal, your sisters would have fought for hours about placement if you and Derek hadn't stopped them."

Lauren laughed, despite the tears in her eyes. "Yeah, that was... They're a little crazy."

"They're just focusing on what would be important to them because they want everything to be perfect for you. Trust me, they're excited about your wedding. No one thinks this is a mistake or that you're in over your head. And no one thinks you were ever a screw up. So, you made one bad decision when you were young? You ended up with Emily, who is an amazing little girl, so you can't even call that a mistake."

Lauren caught Meredith off guard by reaching for her hand. "I want more than anything to be a good role model for her."

"You are," Meredith assured, squeezing her hand. "You've taught her to be strong and independent. And you've given her an amazing childhood. She obviously knows how much you love her. Trust me, from a girl who didn't grow up thinking her mother loved her, that's the most important thing in the world."

Lauren wiped at her cheeks with her free hand. "Thank you, Meredith," she said softly.

Meredith hesitated before saying, "That's what family is for, right?"

Lauren smiled at her and nodded. "See, you're better at this than you think."

Meredith laughed. "I hope so."

Lauren squeezed her hand and then released it. For a long moment, they stared out at the water together. "It's a beautiful day."

"It is," Meredith agreed. "The perfect day."

"Everything about today is perfect. This is my...my dream wedding," Lauren admitted.

Meredith smiled. "Then it's a good thing you're getting married today."

Lauren inhaled and the exhaled slowly. "I'm getting married today."

"You are," Meredith agreed.

Lauren smiled. "There was a time when I thought today would never come."

"I know the feeling. Which is why you have to let yourself enjoy today."

"I should head back. Lots to do."

Meredith nodded and followed Lauren's lead in getting off the rock and heading towards the stairs that would lead back up the short cliff. She wasn't taking chances with the path again.

"See," Lauren teased, "The stairs are much safer."

Meredith laughed. "Thanks for reminding me." She rubbed at her still-stinging arm and then frowned when she felt something wet. She pulled her hand away and made a face at the blood on her fingers. "Crap, I think I tore some stitches."

Lauren turned once they had reached the top of the stairs. "How bad?"

Meredith shrugged. "There's only a little blood. Probably just one or two sutures." She sighed. "I can be a little clumsy."

Lauren shrugged and then smirked conspiratorially. "Just get my brother to play doctor for you," she said with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

Meredith found herself momentarily speechless as they started to walk back to the resort together.

Lauren shot her a look. "Too much?"

Meredith laughed. "You're just...Derek's sister. I don't have much experience with the family thing, but I'm pretty sure there's usually a line somewhere..."

"Ah, that's nothing. Just spend some more time with us."

Meredith smiled. "That's the plan."

"I'm really glad Derek found you," Lauren admitted. "I don't know that I've ever seen him as happy as he is now."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Good. Because I've definitely never been this happy before, either."

"Do you regret not having a big wedding?"

"No, I don't think so. I never dreamt of my wedding growing up. And the beach where we got married was pretty freaking perfect for us."

"So, you didn't avoid the big wedding to avoid having us all there?" Lauren asked. "And I don't mean that in a bad way. I just want to make sure you weren't afraid to have a big wedding."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh. "You know what? I was nervous leading up to this trip because I thought you guys would be upset we didn't include you."

Lauren laughed as well. "Something else family does; spends too much time stressing over what everyone else thinks."

Meredith nodded. "That really wasn't a factor, for either of us. We just...didn't want a big ceremony. I wish it weren't that simple, but I guess it is. We wanted something special, but nothing big. And we didn't want to wait."

"So, you don't regret it?"

"Not at all."

"Good."

They came into view of the resort, and immediately spotted Kathleen standing outside between the lake and the building. She called something back towards the resort and then ran towards them.

"Lauren, we've been looking everywhere for you. Is everything okay?" She glanced to Lauren and then to Meredith, and back.

"Everything's great," Lauren said brightly, and Meredith smiled at the realization that she had done some good.

"You disappeared."

"Sorry, I didn't expect to be gone so long. What time is it?"

"We have about two and a half hours-"

"Perfect!" Lauren said happily. "Let's get going."

"But..." Kathleen trailed off, clearly taken by surprise at her sister's change in demeanour. "She's happy," she hissed to Meredith as Lauren hurried towards the doors in front of them.

Meredith nodded.

"She was freaking out an hour ago. Did you drug her?"

Meredith laughed. "I think she just needed someone to talk to who...could offer a new perspective."

They entered the lobby in time to see Lauren assuring her mother and Derek that everything was okay.

"I'm great, mom, I promise," she said, giving Jane a hug. "I just needed to figure some things out. Now I have to get ready, because I'm getting married today," she said excitedly.

Derek approached Meredith and Kathleen. "Is she really okay?"

Meredith nodded. "Yes. She was never running or whatever. She just needed to think."

Derek offered her a smile, but it quickly fell away as he caught sight of her arm. "You're bleeding."

She made a face as she lifted her arm. A relatively small amount of blood was still leaking from under the bandage. "Yeah, about that..."

"She needs you to play doctor for her, Derek," Lauren called from half way across the lobby.

Meredith groaned and covered her eyes with her free hand as she felt her face heat now that the comment had been voiced in front of Jane, Kathleen and the resort staff pretending not to watch the scene from behind the counter.

Derek chuckled at the comment, but said nothing back as he took Meredith's injured arm into his care. "What happened?"

"I think I tore a stitch," she muttered, removing her hand from her face.

"Clearly," he said flatly. "How?"

"I may have fallen down the cliff..."

Derek blinked. "What cliff?"

She pointed through the glass walls towards the lake. "The little cliff by the water. I didn't know about the stairs, so I took a path down to the beach and slipped-"

Derek's expression grew worried. He released her arm and tilted her head to get a better look at her eyes.

She swatted at his hands. "I didn't hit my head. Seriously, I fell on my ass and slid about six feet. It was all very pathetic. I must have clipped my arm on a rock or whatever."

"Are you sure you didn't hit your head?" He asked, clearly still worried.

"I'm sure. Ask your sister. She saw the whole thing."

"She didn't hit her head," Lauren agreed as she approached.

Derek sighed, but let it go. He reached for Meredith's arm again. "We'll have to fix it."

"I can ask the receptionist if there's a hospital nearby," Jane offered, "Maybe if we explain the situation, they'll bump you to the front of the line and-"

"It's okay, Ma," Derek said. "We have a first aid kit packed. This should only take a few minutes to fix."

Kathleen patted him on the shoulder. "I'm assuming you can handle this, little brother. I'm going to go get Lauren ready."

Derek shot her a look. "You, the _shrink_, are asking me, the _neurosurgeon_, if I can handle a few sutures? When was the last time you actually practiced medicine?"

Kathleen laughed, but smacked him on the back of the head. "Not nice, Derek."

"But true," Derek said under his breath as Kathleen and Lauren walked away.

Meredith laughed.

"Are you sure you can deal with this?" Jane asked.

Derek offered his mother a wry smile. "I'm going to play the neurosurgeon card one more time."

"Yes, and that's all very impressive, but this is an arm, not a brain."

Meredith laughed at the exchange, especially when Derek rolled his eyes at his mother's comment. "And it's sutures," he retorted. "I did them in the first place."

"At the hospital?"

He nodded and ushered Meredith towards the elevators.

"Don't hospitals usually have a rule about treating family members?" Jane asked as she followed them.

"It's sutures, not surgery."

"Still."

Derek sighed. "Would you like to come and supervise to make sure I'm capable of doing this?"

Jane mock glared at her son. "Your wife is injured, Derek. You could pretend to be concerned."

"I'm really okay," Meredith said as they stepped onto the elevator together. Jane was clearly going to join them. "It just stings a little, and once it stops bleeding, it'll be fine."

"I didn't even know you were injured. I noticed the bandage, but I didn't think it was anything serious."

"It's not," Meredith insisted. "Just a little cut. A few sutures."

"How did it happen?"

"Ma," Derek warned, but Meredith laid a hand on his arm, telling him it was okay.

"There was an accident with some ambulances at work," she said, as they stepped off the elevators together and headed for their room. Meredith told Jane the story while Derek retrieved the first aid kit from his suitcase.

"That's horrible," Jane said once the story was complete.

Meredith nodded. "It was. But it reminds us to be grateful of the patients we have a chance to save."

"Let's do this at the table," Derek suggested.

Meredith nodded and sat at the small table attached to the kitchenette. Derek sat to her right and Jane to her left.

Before removing her bandage, Derek pulled a penlight out of the first aid kit. Meredith sighed and shot him a look.

"Please?" He asked. "Just let me check once. It'll make me feel better." He cocked his head ever so slightly as he met her eyes.

"I didn't hit my head," she repeated her earlier words, but acquiesced by allowing him to check her pupils, knowing that the downside to being a neurosurgeon was that it was easy to see problems in those you loved. Plus, she couldn't resist the face.

"Thank you," Derek said, kissing her cheek before shining the light in her eyes. He directed her to look up and down, and then follow his finger. "Everything looks fine," he announced after he completed his standard test.

"Told you."

He pressed another kiss to her cheek and then returned the penlight to the first aid kit. Next he pulled out a small, sterile cloth and laid it over the table. Meredith shifted so she could rest her arm on it as Derek pulled out the supplies he would need.

Making a face, Meredith peeled the corner of the bandage off of her skin and the silently counted to three before ripping the entire bandage off. "Ouch," she complained.

Derek chuckled.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything," he replied.

"You were thinking it."

Ignoring her comment, he gently took her arm into his hands to study the damage she had done to his handiwork. "It looks like you just ripped the last one," he murmured. "The rest look okay, despite your clumsiness."

"That's not nice, Derek," Jane chastised.

Derek rolled his eyes, causing Meredith to laugh.

"Does it hurt anywhere else?" He asked, carefully pressing his thumbs along her forearm.

"Nope. I didn't hit it very hard."

"Normal feeling in your fingers? No tingling?"

She shook her head, and then flexed her fingers, "And normal range of motion. Seriously, Derek, I just clipped in on a rock."

"As you fell down a cliff," he reminded dryly.

She giggled. "A very small cliff."

He picked up a disinfectant wipe and tore open the packaging.

She made a face as he disinfected the cut. "It stings," she complained.

"Sorry, but it's better than letting it get infected."

"Are you sure we shouldn't be taking her to a hospital?" Jane spoke up, her expression still filled with concern.

Derek paused and raised an eyebrow at his mother. "You think I'm not capable of disinfecting a very minor cut?"

"I'm sure you're very capable, Derek. I just think, maybe, that a hospital would be better equipped for...this."

"You know what they have at hospitals, Ma?" He asked as he picked up the small surgical scissors he laid out earlier.

"What?"

"Disinfectant wipes, scissors," he held up the scissors to make his point, "sutures and doctors. And we have all of those things right here in this room."

"Well, do you have something to freeze it? Because I'm not about to let you stitch up her arm while she can feel it."

"It's really okay," Meredith spoke up, not entirely sure how to act around Jane when she was acting like...this. "It's just one stitch. They wouldn't freeze it if we went to a hospital anyway, because it would hurt more to get the freezing than the stitch."

"And we have numbing cream," Derek added as he successful removed the torn suture.

Jane sighed. "I still don't like it."

"If we went to a hospital, they'd leave me with an intern," Meredith said, "And I'd much rather Derek do this than an ER intern." She shuddered at the thought.

Derek chuckled as he rubbed a bit of numbing cream onto the area he was about to re-suture. "We'll just give it a minute to take effect," he said.

Meredith offered him a soft smile, knowing the cream wouldn't do much to help, but that he was doing it for Jane's benefit.

"We have to leave in an hour," Derek spoke up, addressing his mother. "Maybe you wanted to go and get changed... Or check on Lauren."

Jane glared at him. "I'm not leaving until I know Meredith is okay." She laid a hand on Meredith's shoulder to make her point.

Meredith couldn't help but smile, even if she didn't understand Jane's insistence. Seriously, it was just one suture. Either Jane had no idea how talented her neurosurgeon son was, or she was really squeamish around blood. Doubtful that her cocky husband hadn't ensured his mother knew of his talent, she smiled at the thought of a squeamish woman giving birth to five doctors.

"Meredith's fine," Derek assured. "I promise to take good care of her. And we need to leave in an hour," he repeated.

"I'm not going anywhere," Jane declared. She moved her hand from Meredith's shoulder to Meredith's left hand. "I'm going to sit here and hold Meredith's hand. She needs moral support for this."

"I'm really okay," Meredith assured.

Jane squeezed her hand. "Nonsense."

Derek rubbed his thumb across the skin near her cut. "Feeling numb yet?"

She nodded, more for Jane's benefits than her own. "Yeah, it's fine; just get it over with."

He rubbed his thumb across her wrist and then squeezed her hand before preparing the suture.

Meredith closed her eyes, and then smiled when she felt Jane squeeze her hand.

"Okay," Derek said softly, "Small pinch..."

Meredith cringed as Derek replaced the suture she had inadvertently ripped out sightseeing. This was a lesson to always look for the stairs than take the closer route down a cliff.

"Finished," Derek announced.

Meredith released the breath she had been holding and opened her eyes. "Thank you."

He offered her a soft smile as he covered the wound with a new bandage. "Just try and be careful this time, okay?"

She giggled and nodded. "I'll try, but you know me..."

He pecked her on the cheek. "I do." He smiled and turned his attention to his mother. "See? Nothing to it. She's still alive."

Jane offered him a soft smile before standing. She patted Meredith on the shoulder. "I'm glad you're alright, dear."

"Thank you."

"I'm going to go and get ready. Should Brian and I meet you kids in the lobby?"

Derek nodded. "We'll see you there."

After Jane had left the hotel room, Meredith laughed. "Wow, for a mother of five doctors, she's really squirmy about this kind of thing, huh?"

Derek chuckled and shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing. You're cute."

She nudged him and repeated, "What?"

He hooked his arm around her middle and sidled close. "She's not squirmy. She's just a little overprotective. You were hurt, and you're one of her kids now, so she was worried. That's what mom's do."

Meredith felt her chest tighten at his words and pulled her husband closer to her. "So, that was..."

Derek wrapped both arms around her in a tight hug. "That was mothering."

Despite her embarrassment at her own reaction, Meredith felt her eyes sting. "Oh," she whispered.

"She kind of gets carried away sometimes," he explained.

"Okay," she murmured. It was such a new thing that she hadn't even recognized it. "My mom never seemed to care when I was hurt." She thought back to getting her tonsils out and breaking her arm; stories he already knew.

Derek sighed. "I know. I'm sorry." He pressed a kiss to her shoulder.

"It's kind of nice," she announced.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah. The whole family thing is kind of nice, actually. I...I think I could really get used to this," she said, filled with confidence from her ability to say the right things to Lauren, despite her inability to navigate a short path down a small cliff.

Derek's face lit up at her words, making her happy she had voiced them. It was getting easier and easier to say things like that to him. And his consistently positive reactions were making her _want_ to say things like that to him.

"Good." He pressed his lips to hers.

She offered him a smile when he pulled back. "I really, really love you. You know that, right?"

He cocked his head in the way that tugged at her heart. "I do know," he whispered, his hand cupping her cheek. "And I really, really love you, too."

"Good," she declared.

"How's your arm?"

"Barely hurts at all."

"It's a good thing your husband is a fancy surgeon, huh?"

She giggled and nodded. "He has to be good for something."

Derek made a grumbling noise in the back of his throat.

Her giggle became a full-fledged laugh. "Thank you for playing doctor for me."

He lifted her injured arm and pressed a gentle kiss to the bandage, just like he had done when he had first sutured her arm three days earlier.

Meredith felt like her heart melted into a pile of goo in her chest. "Okay, now I think I love you a little more..."

* * *

Still on her family high, even after Derek had introduced her to more extended family members than Meredith could count, Meredith sat comfortably on the front bench of the bride's side of the church with Jane and Brian. Derek would be joining them once he had completed his task of walking his sister down the aisle. Scott, Shane and Tim took up the second, third and fourth row with their kids, as their wives would stand at the altar with Lauren. And behind them was the mass of relatives Meredith had told Derek he would need to draw her a family tree to keep straight.

"What's taking them so long to get started?" Jane worried, a behaviour Meredith now recognized as 'mothering.' "Do you think Lauren's okay?"

"I'm sure she's fine, dear," Brian said, patting her on the knee.

"Maybe I should go check-"

"She got all of her siblings with her," Brian said, cutting her off before she stood and made her way up the aisle. "She'll be fine. The ceremony's not even scheduled to start for another couple minutes."

Jane sat back with a sigh. "I just want everything to be perfect for her."

"It will be," Brian assured. "And I'm sure they'll get started any minute."

As if on cue, the music began playing and Nathan stepped onto the altar with his groomsmen. He looked nervous, but relatively composed. The back doors of the church opened, and the attention of every guest turned.

Emily appeared first, dressed in a miniature bridesmaid dress, clutching to a basket of colourful flowers, with a huge smile on her face.

"Oh, look at her," Jane whispered. "She looks just like her mom. So beautiful."

Emily walked steadily all the way down the aisle and stopped to give Nathan a high-five before taking her place – as picked out by her aunts the day before – on Lauren's side.

One by one, the Shepherd sisters made their way down the aisle to stand with their niece. Meredith smiled as each sister exchanged some sort of affectionate act with Emily; ruffling her hair, squeezing her shoulder and kissing her cheek.

There was a dramatic pause and the music changed. Meredith stood with the rest of the guests as Lauren and Derek made their appearance. In a seeming reversal of her earlier demeanour, Lauren was smiling brightly and appeared completely confident in what she was about to do. She had her arm hooked around Derek's elbow, and said something to him as they started to walk down the aisle. He smiled and gently bumped her shoulder with his.

Meredith smiled at their interaction. She hadn't been making it up earlier when she told Lauren how excited Derek was about walking her down the aisle. His expression confirmed just how much this meant to him.

Halfway down the aisle, Derek met Meredith's eyes and offered her a soft smile that made her heart flutter. Just because she hadn't wanted the big wedding for herself didn't mean she didn't appreciate Lauren's. This was what family did.

Completing their walk, Derek and Lauren paused just before the altar. Derek whispered something to Lauren that Meredith couldn't hear, which earned him an elbow to the ribs. He chuckled, kissed his sister on the cheek and released her to her very soon to be husband.

Meredith slid over on the bench as Derek approached. The moment he sat beside her, he reached for her hand and pulled it into his lap. His eyes were a little glassy, but he didn't seem to notice or care. She squeezed his hand and leaned against him as they watched his sister say the vows they themselves said only a few short months earlier. It brought back memories and filled Meredith with warm and fuzzy feelings.

Not only did she have a very dreamy husband who loved her and would do anything for her, like suture her arm – twice – but she had a family now. And this was her first real family event. She had found a place with Derek's mother and sisters, brothers-in-law, and nieces and nephews. She had met the extended family. Albeit, it would take her some time to get the extended family straight, but due to the volume, she thought that was reasonable. And no one seemed to question her presence. No one had made her feel unwelcome or out of place.

She was doing the family thing.

And she was doing it well.

* * *

Hours later, after the wedding and Derek getting them slightly lost when he tried to use the same shortcut as the day before, and after the pictures and the dinner and the speeches, Meredith rested her cheek against Derek's as they danced together at the reception.

"Remember the first time we did this?" She whispered.

"Hmm, prom," he murmured softly, before chuckling. "Good times."

She giggled.

"We can have a repeat of prom if you want. I'm sure we can find an empty closet or something..."

"I'm doing good with the family thing," she told him. "I'm thinking getting caught with my pants down at your sister's wedding would be anti-progress."

"Technically, you're not wearing pants," he said with a smirk.

She pulled back far enough to glare at him as they danced together.

He chuckled and leaned in to kiss her softly. "Later," he promised.

"Later," she echoed, shifting in his strong arms so that her hands were hooked behind his neck and she was leaning back a little. "When we danced the first time, you told me you wanted a lifetime with me," she told him as she played with his curls.

He smiled. "I do want a lifetime with you."

"I remember wanting it, too, but still being scared."

He nodded as he remembered. "You told me I was the reason it was only scary some of the time and not all of the time." He smiled. "And you told me you just needed time to make the fear go away completely." His smile became a smirk. "Then you dragged me off the dance floor and took advantage of me in an exam room."

"Okay, I so didn't take advantage. It was a joint adventure, or whatever."

"And very enjoyable."

She laughed and nodded, before sobering. "Hey, Derek, guess what?"

"What?"

"I'm not afraid anymore."

He leaned in to kiss her again. "Good."

"I kind of like this whole married thing."

"Me too."

"And the whole family thing."

He kissed her again. "Me too."

"You've made me into a disgusting, mushy, gooey, pathetic person," she admitted in a whisper.

He laughed at her choice – and number – of adjectives. "Sorry."

She laughed as well. "I liked watching you walk your sister down the aisle. I like how important your family is to you."

Derek nodded.

"You know, when Thatcher was in the ER this week, he told me that when I was little, before he left, that he used to dream of walking me down the aisle on my wedding day."

"Mer..." Derek said with a sigh.

She shook her head, motioning that she wasn't looking for comfort. She wasn't feeling sorry for herself. She didn't need a father figure in her life. She hadn't even had an aisle to walk down on her wedding day, and if she had, she would have walked alone with her head held high. "This is going to sound incredibly gooey and corny and pathetic, but when I watched you walk your sister down the aisle, and saw how emotional your mom was, I..."

"You what?" He prompted softly.

She made a face, but continued. "I kind of couldn't help but imagine what it might be like to watch you walk our daughter down the aisle one day...you know, if we have a daughter."

Derek blinked several times as a sheen of moisture developed across his eyes. "If we're planning on two kids, it's a statistical certainty that at least one will be a girl; probably both." He shrugged. "Shepherd med are a little outnumbered."

Meredith laughed.

He kissed her softly. "Meredith, that was...okay, that was a little gooey, but I... I want that for us, too. One day. In the very distant future. When our daughter is forty."

"Forty?"

He nodded. "At least."

"We'll have to keep her away from bars and dreamy strangers in red shirts."

Derek made a grumbling noise in the back of his throat.

"What? It worked out well for me," she pointed out.

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because it was me."

"You realize that makes no sense, right?"

"And this is our future daughter we're talking about. She's not going anywhere near boys. Ever."

"Yeah, good luck with that. If she's anything like me-"

"Stop talking," he demanded. "I don't want to hear it. She'll be perfect and beautiful and will never be interested in boys."

Meredith kissed him. "Okay, I'll let you tell yourself that for a few years."

"Thank you." He cocked his head and gave her the full fledged McDreamy smile.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just...we're talking about our future kids."

She nodded. "See? Does this not illustrate how much I've grown?"

"It does," he agreed.

"I was actually thinking, earlier, that we never really talked about the whole kid thing with any sort of...timeframe or whatever. And maybe we should...do that."

"You want to talk about kids?" He repeated back to her, clearly surprised at how forward she was being.

She nodded. "We know we both want them, and we talked about numbers. I think, now that we're married, that it's important we talk about...when."

Derek took a breath. "Do you want to talk about them now?"

She immediately shook her head. "No."

"No," he echoed.

"No," she repeated before he could get any ideas, "Because you're perfect and charming Uncle Derek, and you have fourteen beautiful nieces and nephews with perfect hair, and your freaking family makes me all gooey and disgusting, so if we talk about kids now, I'm going to let you convince me to go off the pill today so we can start trying tomorrow, and as much as warm, gooey, disgusting me probably wouldn't have a problem with that, the very small non-gooey, rational part of my brain that's left knows that right now is not the right time."

Derek coughed slightly as he obviously tried to hold back a laugh.

"Shut up," she hissed. "You did this to me."

"Sorry," he murmured, kissing her cheek, though he clearly wasn't sorry at all. "Though I'm only taking the blame for the gooey-ness. The rambling pre-existed me."

She laughed, but pushed on in making her point. "Maybe we could talk once we've been back home for a couple weeks? That way I'll have had some time to get...un-gooey."

"Sounds good," he agreed, ignoring her term. "How about after we've finished moving?"

She smiled. "Okay."

"Okay," he echoed.

She bit her lip as she stared into his eyes, trying to understand how she had gotten so lucky. "I really love you."

He kissed her before whispering, "I really love you, too."

With a happy sigh, she leaned into him and brushed her cheek affectionately against his. "Derek?"

"Hmm?" He murmured, closing his arms around her as they swayed back and forth.

"Don't tell anyone, but being here...I kind of like being warm and gooey."

"Your secret's safe with me."


	113. Chapter 113

Meredith ran a hand through her hair as she unsuccessfully fought back a yawn. It had been a long week since she had returned to work after her New York trip with Derek. Being only a second year resident, she didn't get much vacation time, and had to work extra hours if she wanted extra time off. And extra hours for a second year resident pretty much meant never leaving the hospital. It was a sacrifice, but one she had to make. Not going to Lauren's wedding with Derek wasn't an option and not taking time off to move wasn't an option, either.

She and Derek had flown home to Seattle on Monday and been back to work first thing Tuesday morning. It was currently Saturday, and Meredith had only been home once in that time. She glanced at her watch and sighed. Only five more hours and she got to go home and not be back until noon the next day; an entire eighteen hours away from the hospital.

Scribbling the last of her notes into the chart in front of her, she snapped it shut and forced herself to her feet. While she was normally one to simply use the ledge of the Nurses' Station to notate her charts, she had sought refuge in an empty conference room for the sake of sitting down. After spending the previous night in emergency surgery with Bailey, her feet and legs were killing her. She loved being a surgeon, but she would love it even more if she could somehow operate while sitting down.

With a groan, she picked up the pile of charts she had been working on and stiffly made her way out of the conference room. The Nurses' Station was absent of any nurses, so she collapsed onto one of the chairs behind the desk and began to re-file the charts herself.

"What are you doing back there?" Cristina asked as she dropped herself down onto the desk. "You should know by now not to piss of the nurses."

"I'm sure this will piss them off less than if I leave a pile of charts on the desk for them to put away."

Cristina shrugged. "True." She placed a sandwich package down onto the desk, and then held out one of the two bottles of water she had in her hands. "You looked like crap last time I saw you," she offered as explanation, "I wasn't sure if you'd had a break yet."

"Thanks," Meredith said, trying to offer her best friend a smile, but failing.

"You do look like crap," Cristina repeated.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Thank you for pointing that out. I've been up for more than thirty hours, after getting about three hours of sleep in an on call room, and having been up for thirty-six hours before."

"Fun," Cristina said wryly. She opened her sandwich package and offered Meredith half.

"What kind is it?"

"Do you really care?"

"No," she admitted as she took the offered half. "Thanks, I'm starving."

"When are you off?"

"Six."

"Me too. Did you want to grab a drink at Joe's?"

Meredith shook her head. "I can't. We get the keys Monday morning and we're _so_ not ready. Derek's been packing as much as he can this week, but it's not fair that I leave it all to him. I have to do as much as I can before I have to be back tomorrow, because I don't get to leave again until eight Monday morning."

"It wouldn't take that long; less than an hour. And you look like you need a break."

Meredith opened her mouth to respond, but caught sight of the familiar brunette she had gone back to avoiding over the last few days. On instinct, Meredith dropped out of her chair and dove under the desk.

"What the hell are you doing?" Cristina demanded.

"Just don't tell her I'm here."

"Who?"

"Dr. Yang?" Lexie's voice wavered slightly as she addressed her resident. "Are you...talking to yourself?"

"Do I seem like someone who talks to myself?" Cristina demanded.

"N-no," Lexie stammered.

"Then I guess I wasn't talking to myself."

"Of course. I'm sorry, Dr. Yang-"

"Is there a reason you're here?"

"I, uh, need a new assignment. I was observing the spleenectomy in OR 2, but it's over and I-"

"Go to the clinic, then," Cristina said, cutting off her rambling intern. "Page me for anything surgical."

"Thank you, Dr. Yang."

"But it better actually be surgical," Cristina called after her intern, "Because if I make the trek all the way down there for something non-surgical, you'll be on scut for a week!"

After several moment passed, Meredith sighed. "Is she gone?"

"It's safe."

Meredith crawled out from under the desk and pulled herself back into the desk chair.

"Care to explain? I thought we didn't hate her anymore?"

"I never hated her; just the idea of her."

"Okay," Cristina said, rolling her eyes, "I thought we weren't avoiding her anymore."

"We weren't. Now we are again."

"Right."

Meredith ran her hand through her hair. "We were doing okay. And then there was a thing. And now we're...I don't know. But I do know that I don't know how to handle it, I don't know what I want and I... And I'm hiding under desks like a lame ass loser." She buried her face in her hands. "A week and a half ago everything was fine. Why is my life a freaking soap opera?"

"If I had any idea about what was going on in your life, I may be able to answer that question." Cristina's tone was light, but very controlled.

Meredith glanced at her best friend's expression and sighed. She couldn't remember the last time she and Cristina had exchanged more than a few words between surgeries and patients. She definitely hadn't talked to Cristina after hers and Lexie's blowout over Thatcher the week before. Instead, she had talked to Derek. She hadn't talked to Cristina after Stan had died in the ambulance. Again, Derek. She hadn't talked to Cristina about her trip to New York. She hadn't discussed her moving plans. When she thought about it, she hadn't really even discussed her progress with Lexie.

She went to Derek after a bad day, a good day or even just for a sounding board, which was right. He was her husband. But Cristina was her best friend. There was no reason she couldn't go to Cristina, too. And there was no reason she should be keeping good things from Cristina. She had done so for a while, consciously, after Burke had left Cristina at the altar. But it had been four months. And if Cristina was reaching out for information, it meant she was okay hearing it.

"Thatcher was in the ER last week," Meredith started to explain. She wouldn't be able to update Cristina on everything going on in her life, but she could start here. "He got drunk and cut his hand and-" She was cut off when her pager went off. Muttering a curse under her breath, she pulled it off her waistband, praying it wasn't an emergency.

She didn't get her wish.

"Crap. I have to go." She stood. "Thanks for lunch."

Cristina offered her a tight smile, despite the fact that her eager expression had fallen at Meredith's page. "No problem."

"I... You know what? I think I can do Joe's tonight," Meredith impulsively found herself saying. There was a rift between her and her best friend that she hadn't even realized had been there until now. She couldn't just ignore it.

Cristina's eyes lit up. "Yeah?"

"One drink only," Meredith set her terms.

"One drink," Cristina agreed.

Meredith took off to answer her page, trying to figure out how she was going to tell her husband.

She didn't get out of surgery until just before six. Her patient from the day before had become unstable and required emergency surgery, keeping her from being able to call Derek ahead of time to let him know she wouldn't be home right away.

It was now five to six and she was sitting on the bench in the Residents' Lounger, staring at her cubby, her phone clasped tightly in her hands. He expected her home soon. She had to call. But she didn't want to.

He had been amazing this week. He had brought her coffee several times at work and hadn't once made her feel bad that she couldn't contribute to the pre-moving day activities. He had worked every day since they had come home from New York and had gone home to pack or gone out to pick up things they would need. They had finally decided on paint colours on the plane ride home from New York. He had gone out Tuesday after work to order the paint. He had made arrangements to get into the condo on Wednesday after work to take some measurements. Then he had gone out Thursday night to order appliances. He had followed up with their furniture orders to ensure they would be delivered when needed. And the list went on.

Derek was being the perfect husband.

And now Meredith was going to call him and be a horrible wife.

As his wife, the right decision was to go straight home. But as Cristina's best friend, the right decision was to spend some time with her friend.

_Just one drink,_ she told herself as she speed dialled Derek's cell.

"Hey," he picked up after three rings, "You on your way?"

She hesitated. "Actually, no, I'm going to be a bit late."

"Your patient?"

It would be so easy to say yes. He couldn't blame her for needing to be at the hospital; it was her job. And he understood that. And he would never have to know differently.

But she would know differently.

"No," she said with a sigh. "I kind of promised Cristina I'd go to Joe's."

Silence.

She swallowed hard. "It's just one drink. Less than an hour. I'll be home by seven." She paused. "I'm sorry. I...tried to say no, but she... She's my best friend and we haven't really spoken in weeks and I know we won't have a chance next week because you and I will be moving and she sounded like she needed someone to talk to... I'm sorry." She repeated.

"It's okay," he said quietly.

Meredith blinked. "Really?"

He sighed on the other end of the line, his heavy exhale creating a hiss of static. "If you want me to say I'm happy with it, then I can't do that. But I get it."

Now he was being an even more perfect husband than before, and she felt like an even worse wife.

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"It's okay," he repeated. "Really. You've had a really hard week at work. You deserve an hour off."

"You haven't had time off," she pointed out.

"Do you want me to be mad about this?" He asked tensely.

"No," she said quietly, "But I expected you to."

"Go to Joe's with Cristina," he told her. "And I'll see you at seven. And I won't be mad."

"Thank you," she told him as she felt relief wash over her. "I won't be long. Do you want me to pick up dinner on my way home? Anything you want."

"Even Chinese food?"

She made a face. "If that's what you want, I'd live with it tonight."

He laughed, and any tension between them was broken. "Hmm, I could use this to my advantage."

She giggled.

"Pick up a pizza or something. Just make sure you get me a salad."

"Okay. Thank you, Derek."

"I love you."

She smiled. "I love you, too. And I'll see you in an hour," she said as she ended the call.

As if perfectly timed, Cristina walked into the room the moment Meredith hung up. "You ready?"

Meredith nodded. "I just have to make a call." She called the pizza place around the corner from the house and ordered a pizza and salad for pick up at seven while Cristina changed out of her scrubs. The two young surgeons then made their way across the parking lot to the bar. It was relatively quiet for a Saturday evening, and they easily found seats at the bar.

"This was a good idea," Meredith said as she pulled the closest bowl of peanuts between them.

Cristina nodded. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that..."

Cristina shrugged. "Whatever. Life happens," she said, brushing it off.

Meredith hesitated before deciding not to push the subject. Cristina was obviously feeling left out, but the important thing was they were here now. Pushing the subject would only lead to tension and would negate the purpose of going to Joe's in the first place. She only had time tonight for one drink, so she had to make the most of it. A deeper conversation could wait for another time.

"November is going to be different," Meredith declared. "Once we get the move over with, things will be less busy."

"Do you need help with the move?" Cristina asked quietly.

Meredith smiled. "Maybe. I'll let you know. We're only bringing little things from the house, so big burly delivery guys will be doing most of the heavy lifting."

Cristina smirked. "Can I come and camp out on your doorstep and watch the big burly delivery guys?"  
Meredith laughed. "Absolutely."

"Here you go," Joe said, appearing on the other side of the bar.

"Thanks, Joe," Meredith said, and was echoed by Cristina.

"Haven't seen you two here for a while. Second year not treating you well?"

"Meredith's been getting McDreamied in her free time and I've been busy fighting Izzie for cardio," Cristina explained.

Joe nodded. "Izzie's been stepping on your turf?"

"She was, but I kicked her ass. She's backing off now."

Joe smiled. "Sounds like you." He turned away and headed back down the bar to another set of customers.

"Are things going any better with Hahn?" Meredith asked now that the subject was effectively breached.

"Minimally. She's stopped actively berating me, other than the odd time. She's letting me on her surgeries, but I'm not allowed to help or speak."

"That doesn't really sound much better."

Cristina shrugged. "It's something. I'm working my way up."

"Well, if there's anything I can do..." Meredith offered.

Cristina smiled. "You can make yourself look like an incompetent moron every time you work with her so I look better in comparison."

Meredith laughed. "Anything _but_ that."

"It was worth a shot."

"So, any interesting surgeries lately?"

"I got to watch Hahn do a TLR last week."

"Wow, I've never seen one of those before."

Cristina shrugged. "I got to assist on one last year." _With Burke_, she didn't say out loud, but Meredith heard anyway.

"Well, I'm sure it's just a matter of time until Hahn stops making you jump through hoops."

"Whatever. Tell me what happened with Lexie." Her abrupt subject changed wasn't surprising, and Meredith went with it.

"We were doing okay. Well, I thought we were doing okay. I was stupid and I let her in. We had this patient... Well, I was on the wife, she was on the daughter. And the wife died, and the father wasn't sure if he could keep the baby. I got the father to tell me things he knew about her, and he ended up keeping the baby. And it kind of started this thing between me and Lexie. She'd tell me something about her and then I'd tell her something about me. It was...nice, almost comfortable. Like we could be sisters one day or something. Then Thatcher got drunk, which is apparently not so much an exception as it is the rule now, and he cut his hand. I stitched him up, and afterwards I thought I was being nice by telling her and...being nice to her. She yelled. And said things. And I..." She trailed off with a sigh. "She caught me off guard. I was so determined not to let Thatcher hurt me that I didn't see it coming. I kind of had a mini-panic attack."

"I'll put her on scut for the rest of her internship," Cristina declared casually, taking a sip of her drink.

"Thanks. That's...sweet, I guess. But unnecessary."

"You sure?"

Meredith nodded. "It's really not her fault. We tried to work towards the sister thing and we failed. At least we tried. And now we can both just move on."

"Which doesn't explain you diving under the desk today."

"I'd hoped you had forgotten about that."

"Never. I remember every embarrassing thing you do. Leverage."

Meredith smiled. "What a good friend you are," she said dryly. "And the desk thing was...instinct. She caught me off guard. I'm sure one day we'll be able to be just colleagues, but right now I don't want to say something stupid. And I don't want to say something mean, because she really doesn't deserve that. She's not in an easy position right now, either."

Cristina surveyed her through narrowed eyes for a long moment. "You like her," she practically accused, although her tone wasn't stating fault, just fact.

"I..." Meredith trailed off. Her non-relationship with her half-sister had been short and somewhat awkward, but she had enjoyed learning things about the younger Grey and telling Lexie some things about herself. And it had been nice to have the beginnings of a relationship with someone she was actually related to. "I guess I did."

Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Past or present tense?" She asked, directly addressing Meredith's slightly avoidant answer.

Meredith sighed. "Past for sure. Present...yeah, probably." Lexie was a good person. Meredith had enjoyed getting to know her.

"But you two are done?"

Meredith nodded. "She said things, yelled. And she's got Thatcher issues that I just...can't be any part of."

"We yell at each other all the time," Cristina pointed out.

Meredith smiled. "We do. But you're different. You're more my sister than Lexie."

Despite her obvious attempt not to visibly react to Meredith's words, Meredith caught a smile on her friend's lips. She'd made the right decision in going out tonight. "Have I told you yet about falling down the cliff at Lauren's wedding?"

Cristina smirked at both the subject change and the new subject itself. "No, but this is a story I definitely need to hear."

* * *

At seven-oh-nine, Meredith rushed through the front door balancing three boxes of pizza, Derek's salad, her purse and shoulder bag, and two empty boxes she'd snagged from the pizza store. "I'm sorry!" She called before the door even closed behind her. "The pizza place screwed up and I had to wait if we wanted to eat."

Derek appeared from the office, and immediately moved towards her. "How are you carrying all that without dropping anything?"

"I have no idea."

"Let me help," he said as he carefully lifted the food off the top of her pile. He raised an eyebrow. "I know I said to get whatever you wanted, but this seems like a little much, even for you and your bottomless stomach."

She laughed as she dropped the rest of her pile onto the floor by the stairs and followed him into the kitchen. "I called ahead, but they screwed up the order. Somehow a medium pepperoni pizza and a large salad turned into a large vegetarian and a large meat lovers... Anyway, they gave me the two screw ups. _And_ they let me take some empty boxes for packing."

Derek chuckled. "_Score._"

She bumped his hip as he set down the food onto the kitchen table. "Thank you for understanding today."

"It's no problem," he said immediately, dismissing her concern.

She pressed between him and the table, and hooked her hands behind his neck. "But it could have been a problem," she said again, pressing a kiss to his lips. "You could have made it a problem. And you would have been entirely justified to do so. But you didn't. Because you're you." She kissed him again.

His arms closed around her. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah, I did," she admitted. "It was nice. I...didn't realize how little time I've been spending with her."

"You've been busy," he told her. "It's been a busy few months."

"That's putting it lightly," she said with a laugh. Cristina's failed attempt at marriage. Second year of residency. George's divorce. Interns to be responsible for. Getting married. Lauren's wedding. House searching. And now, moving. "I think I kept stuff, happy stuff, from her for a while because I didn't want her to feel bad after Burke left. But that kind of turned into keeping good and bad things from her. I think it hurt her. And I feel bad that I didn't even realize it until now."

"I'm sure Cristina understands."

"I know. I just...felt like she needed someone today. Hahn's still freezing her out. And she's..." Meredith sighed. "I just felt like she needed me to say yes."

He brushed his lips against hers. "You're a good friend."

"And you're a good husband," she countered. "You've been amazing this week; doing everything while I'm stuck at work. And we need to get ready to move next week. And the right decision for _us_ would have been for me to come straight home and help you. But I needed to spend time with Cristina. And you didn't make me feel guilty."

"You deserved an hour off," he told her. "Plus, the only reason you've been working so hard lately to make up for the fact that you need time off for use to move _and_ because you needed time off to come with me to New York."

She smiled at his insistence on making her feel better. "Things will get less hectic, right?"

He returned her smile. "I hope so. Just one more shift until you get some time off."

She laughed. "Yes, another marathon shift followed by time off to move."

"I didn't say it would get less hectic _this_ week."

She kissed him again before pulling away. "Let's eat so we can get to it."

* * *

Before Meredith knew it, she was back at work. She had worked and worked and worked. And then she had one drink with Cristina and some pizza with Derek. And then a short bout of sleep. And now she was dressed in fresh, blue scrubs, staring into her own tired eyes in the small mirror in the back of her cubby. "Just one more shift," she told herself.

She had helped Derek pack the rest of everything that wasn't essential – they would be sleeping at the house for a few nights before moving to the new condo – and had planned on spending some time with her husband before going to sleep. Unfortunately, the moment she had sat down, she had been overwhelmed by exhaustion, and had practically passed out. The alarm clock had jolted her awake at five, and she had blearily gone through her morning routine.

_"See you in a few hours," she'd murmured to Derek as she had leaned over his warm body, wishing she could crawl back into bed with him. He was always so warm._

_ He'd blinked up at her, a sleepy smile taking control of his lips. "Last time," he'd whispered._

_ "Last time, what?"_

_ "That you'll get ready for work in this house."_

_ Despite her tiredness, she'd smiled at his comment. "Good point," she said, before brushing her lips against his. "I love you."_

_ "I love you, too."_

Forcing her mind away from the sight of her very dreamy husband lying in bed and back to the present, Meredith sighed. "One more shift," she repeated. And then it was moving time for real. And, yes, it would be hectic, but at least she'd be able to sleep at night. Back to back thirty-plus hour shifts were not conducive to sleeping. "You can do this," she stated aloud.

Letting herself out of the Residents' Lounge, Meredith pasted the best well-rested expression on her face that she was capable of, and met her interns at the Nurses' Station. After dolling out assignments, she turned to the nurse behind the desk and asked for the chart for her emergency patient from her previous shift.

Flipping through the pages, she nodded to herself, happy with his progress, and made a mental note to check in on him, even though he was no longer a surgical patient. "Thank you," she told the nurse as she handed back the chart. Glancing at her watch, she decided to check on her former patient now. She wasn't scheduled to be in surgery for another hour, and she may not get a chance later with the way her shifts had been treating her lately.

Turning away from the desk, she startled as she came face to face with the intern she had been effectively avoiding since returning from New York.

Lexie looked startled as well, but also determined, as if she had been waiting for Meredith to turn around, but had still been startled when it happened. She appeared as apprehensive and uncomfortable as Meredith felt.

Meredith slowly released a breath as she fought for words. Any words. But she came up with none.

Fortunately, Lexie didn't seem to have the same problem. "I lash out when I'm scared," she stated.

Meredith ran her hand through her hair as she tried to make sense of Lexie's words.

"I know that technically it's your turn to say something," Lexie continued, unhindered by Meredith's silence. "But I was so horrible to you last time you tried to tell me something that I wasn't sure if you would want to talk to me again. And I really hope that you will talk to me again, because I really think we could be sisters and that we were working towards that. And I'm really sorry that I said those things to you. I was having a horrible day and I was dealing with things at home...well, you know now what I was dealing with at home... And, I don't even know what number we were up to anymore with telling each other things, but I wanted to tell you that I lash out when I'm scared. Dad is out of control and I'm at the end of my rope trying to deal with that, and I'm terrified of what could happen to him. And feeling like that makes me lash out, and you were...there." She paused. "I'm really, really sorry," she said sincerely. "I never meant for you to be involved in what's going on with dad, and I never meant to treat you like that. You didn't deserve it."

Having written off a relationship with Lexie, Meredith was taken completely by surprise, which didn't help her come up with anything to say.

"I'm sorry," Lexie said again, just as sincere as before. "And I'll understand if you don't want anything to do with me now, but I... I really hope that's not what you want." She swallowed hard and met Meredith's eyes, her own eyes filled with both regret and hope.

Meredith thought back to her conversation with Cristina the day before. Cristina had voiced the fact that she and Meredith yelled at each other all the time. That was their normal. She fought with Cristina, but Cristina was still her person.

She fought with Derek sometimes, but he was still her husband, was still the love of her life. Fighting didn't make her love or trust him any less.

She fought with her friends, but that didn't make them any less her family.

Maybe she had been too quick to write off Lexie. People fought. _Sisters_ fought. Maybe it was...normal.

Lexie was still staring at her, an annoying amount of pleading somehow evident in her gaze. It made Meredith question why she had so quickly dismissed a relationship after making the decision to try. Did she want to try again? Lexie certainly did. It was all left up to Meredith. All she had to do was-

The insistent sound of a pager cut through the thick tension between them. Both Greys jumped and reached instinctively for their pagers.

"It's mine," Lexie said softly. She threw Meredith one more pitiful glance before scurrying away to respond to her page.

Meredith released a breath. _Now_ what was she going to do?

_Check on your patient,_ she told herself._ And then surgery. And then maybe figure out what to do with Lexie._

* * *

It was nearly twelve hours later that Meredith finally had a moment to breathe. Her one scheduled surgery had turned into two, which had then put her in position to be pulled into a third when she happened to be in the scrub room scrubbing out when the Chief had come in with an emergency and had invited her to scrub in.

After having only grabbed a granola bar out of her cubby between surgery one and two, she was starving after having missed lunch and dinner. Knowing the cafeteria didn't offer much this time of night, she made her way down to the coffee cart by the front entrance and ordered herself a coffee, a bottle of water, a donut and a yogurt.

"Week from hell," she said as explanation when the barista laughed at her large order.

"Sorry to hear that. I hope it will get better soon."

Meredith smiled back, knowing it would. In just twelve more hours she would be off work for close to a week. And she would spend the entire time with her husband, moving into their first real home. "I'm sure it will," she said as she took her order.

Instead of heading back to the surgical floor right away, she headed into an empty section of chairs by the corner of the atrium. It was quiet here and she deserved fifteen minutes to sit and take a break from the hospital. With a relieved sigh, she sat, clutching her tray of goodies on her lap and closed her eyes.

_Just twelve more hours._

_And then moving time._

She smiled despite her tiredness. She would get through the night. Derek had promised to take her out for breakfast the next morning before they went to pick up the keys from the realtor, and she knew that knowledge would keep her going through the early hours of the morning.

Opening her eyes, she reached for the donut and practically inhaled it. She then downed half of her bottle of water before replacing the lid and setting the drink back into the tray. Feeling slightly more human, she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and speed dialled her husband.

"Hey," he breathed into the other end of the line after three rings.

"Hey, I missed you today." Although he had worked a ten hour shift, their paths hadn't crossed once.

"Crazy day, huh?"

"Crazy week."

"It'll be over soon."

"Trust me, I'm counting down the hours."

He chuckled. "You've been quite the trooper this week."

She smiled at his compliment. She _had _worked her ass off since returning from New York, but just because he hadn't spent as much time at work as her didn't mean he hadn't been as stressed. "I think we've both been pretty trooper-ish this week."

"Trooper-_ish_?"

"Yes."

"Mmm," he hummed, saying nothing more.

"It's a word," she defended.

"Did I say it wasn't?"

"No, but you were thinking it."

Derek laughed. "You don't know that."

"I do," she insisted.

"Are you a mind reader now?"

"Yes."

"Really?" He said, clearly amused. "Then what am I thinking now?"

"That I can't read minds, and that you married a crazy person."

He laughed again. "That's an amazing talent you've got there."

She giggled. "I try."

"So, speaking of one of your other, many, talents, how were your surgeries?"

"Long. But kind of awesome. Bailey let me scrub in on her liver resection _and_ let me open, well, she let me do some of the opening. _And _she let me cauterize. _And_ she didn't yell at me once."

"Wow, she must have been really impressed."

She smiled. "And the Chief has an accident victim. He was a mess inside. He let me do all sorts of stuff. Complex sutures. Cauterizing. Suction. Retracting..."

"Sounds fascinating."

"Don't mock my enthusiasm at the little stuff. We can't all be fancy neurosurgeons."

"You will be one day. Soon."

His complete confidence in her skills made her smile. "One day," she echoed, hoping he was right.

"You'll just have to settle more living vicariously through your husband for a little longer."

She laughed. "You're crazy."

"Maybe, but you married me, so you must be crazy too."

"We can be crazy together."

"I'm good with that."

Meredith was surprised to feel her heart tug at his words. Yes, they were bantering, but the ease of the conversation and reminder that he was completely in this with her made her a little giddy. "I know this week has kind of sucked," she said, becoming serious, "But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so excited, Derek. I'm so excited to live with just you."

"I'm excited, too," he said softly. "Just a couple more days."

"Just a couple more days," she echoed.

"I wish you could be here tonight," he told her.

"Me too." She closed her eyes and imagined curling up next to her husband on the couch, his strong arms around her and his warmth permeating every pore on her body. A wave of comfort washed over her. "I'm really happy, Derek," she whispered. For the first time in her life, she felt like her life was stable. She could separate the good from the bad. She had a hectic job, but she loved being a surgeon. She was struggling with Lexie, but she had a family in her friends. And she had Derek. And his unwavering support made everything better.

For a long moment, he said nothing, but the sound of his even breathing on the other end of the phone made her feel close to him. She could practically feel him with her. "I'm happy too, Mer," he eventually whispered.

"I remember how scared I was a year ago," she said with a chuckle. "I look at my interns and I remember feeling that intimidated both at the hospital and with you."

"I intimidated you?"

"No, being in a relationship intimidated me. Especially knowing it was a relationship that was going somewhere." She shook her head. "I knew there was a future there, but I never would have thought we could be _here_ in just a year."

"It was a pretty big year."

"Yeah." She smiled. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Just twelve more hours."

"And then moving time."

"And then breakfast," she corrected. "And _then_ moving time."

He chuckled. "Of course. Priorities."

"I already know what I'm going to order."

He groaned. "Not the waffle with all the crap on it..."

"It's not crap," she retorted.

He said nothing.

"You promised me whatever I wanted for breakfast."

"And I will keep the promise. I just don't have to agree with your choice," he joked.

She rolled her eyes. "You know you always have a bite. _And _you always like it."

"Whatever you say, dear."

Meredith rolled her eyes again. "So, what are you up to tonight?"

"Well, I think that we've got everything we're taking packed. I made sure the boxes were stacked downstairs in the office. I spoke to the realtor and everything's good. I told her we'd picked up the keys around noon."

She smiled in sudden excitement. This was really happening.

"Izzie's sulking a bit, so I got roped into eating two muffins."

"She deals with her emotions through her baking."

"Well, I had two delicious passive-aggressive, emotional muffins."

Meredith laughed. "She's not _that _passive-aggressive. She just doesn't like change."

"Will you miss them?" She didn't have to ask to know who he was referring to.

"Yes and no. They're my family. I'll miss having them around all the time, but..."

"But..."

She smiled. "But I'm growing, or whatever. I'm excited about living only with you. And I'm excited about privacy."

"Privacy is good."

"I'll still see them all the time at work."

"And they'll always be welcome," he assured her. "They're your family."

She smiled at how well he knew her, and at how much he respected and understood her view on life. He had never questioned that her friends truly were her family. He had never questioned her need for them. "Your family will always be welcome, too," she told him. "We did invite them to come and visit once we'd moved."

"I'd like that. Maybe my sisters will stop pressuring us to move to New York."

Meredith laughed at the ongoing argument between Derek and his sisters. They clearly accepted that he was happy in Seattle, but that didn't stop the comments. It was all in fun.

"Do you fight with your sisters?"

"All the time," he said dryly.

She laughed. "No, I mean actually fight."

"Why?"

"I just...want to know. The whole sister thing...I want to understand it."

"Is this about Lexie?"

"Yeah."

"Yes," he said, answering her original question. "We fought a lot when we were kids. Not so much after dad died, but I wasn't the same for a long time."

Meredith nodded along, even though he couldn't see her. She knew he had shut his emotions and needs away for a long time to ensure his family was okay after his dad died.

"After a while there were some fights, and then after I moved here..."

"Lots of fights?"

"I guess. Or, there could have been if I hadn't just ignored them."

"And now?"

"If we lived close and saw each other on a daily basis, then absolutely, I'm sure I'd constantly be fighting with at least one of them."

She smiled at his tone. "I think Lexie and I just had a fight thing. I don't think we're a lost cause."

"Did you talk?"

"She apologized. Profusely. And told me she lashes out when she's scared. And she's...well, she clearly has a lot to be scared of. And she really seemed genuine."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing," she confirmed.

"You had to have said something."

"I didn't. She talked. I didn't know what to say. And then she got paged before I had to say anything. I literally didn't say a single word."

Derek chuckled.

"I...I think I still want to pursue...something with her. I'm just..."

"Scared?"

He was the only one in the world she would admit that to. "Yeah. I want to be able to trust her, but it's hard."

"Tell her that," he suggested.

"Okay." She sighed. "Do you think it was just a fight?"

"I think it could be just a fight if you want it to be. Or it could be the end if you want that, too."

Her mood darkened at the thought. "I don't want it to be the end. I could have a sister." She sighed. "You and I fight sometimes. And Cristina and I fight _all_ the time. And I don't expect to lose either of you, so why is this so much harder with Lexie?"

"I don't know," he told her honestly. "Maybe because you associate her with Thatcher?"

His words rang true in her head. "How do I stop doing that?"

"I don't know," he echoed his earlier words.

"He hurt me, and now I expect her to as well just because she's his daughter."

"You're his daughter, too."

"Thanks for that," she said dryly.

"I didn't mean it that way. I meant that you're his daughter, too, and you're amazing. Compassionate. Caring. Strong. You're nothing like him. You're living proof that being his daughter doesn't mean you have his traits."

"And maybe Lexie doesn't, either," she finished his thought. "Huh, I never thought of it that way before." Lexie had never given Meredith reason to be wary before now, but Meredith had always been wary anyway. "Do you think she could be my sister?"

Derek didn't say anything right away, and when he did, his voice was soft and cautious. "I don't want to make this decision for you."

"Which means you think she could," she extrapolated. "If you thought she couldn't be, you would tell me."

"If I thought she would purposefully hurt you, I would definitely tell you," he stated. "She has always seemed genuinely interested in getting to know you."

"I think she could be my sister," Meredith admitted. "I know she wants to be. And I...could be. Not right away, but one day..."

"Whatever you decide, I'll support," he reminded.

"I know." She smiled at how much extra security she felt with his support. "I'll have to talk to her."

"You don't have to do it right away."

"I do," she insisted. "I don't want it hanging over my head the entire time we're moving. I want to be able to enjoy this week. I'm really looking forward to it."

"Me, too," he told her.

She glanced at her watch and sighed. "I should get back to the floor. I'll see you in twelve hours."

"I hope you get some sleep."

"Me too."

"See you tomorrow morning."

"Bye," she said as she hung up the phone. _Almost through the week. Soon it would be moving time._

She quickly ate her yogurt and then stood and headed back to the surgical floor with her still-steaming coffee.

It wasn't until close to midnight that she bumped into her half-sister again. And she had instantly known she had made the right decision when Lexie had immediately decoded Meredith's explanation of, _I withdraw when I'm scared, but I still want to do the thing._ They weren't doing the sister thing now, but one day they could be. And that was enough for Meredith.

As if that weren't good enough, the hospital was quiet. All night. Meredith got a whopping five hours of sleep; a record for sure. After pre-rounds, rounds and sending her interns to their assignments, she caught up on all of her paperwork and managed to leave early.

By the time she pulled her jeep into the driveway – the _last _time she would be coming _home_ to this house – she was practically shaking with excitement. Almost an entire week off was ahead of her to move into hers and Derek's first _home_ for just the two of them. The fact that she was one hundred percent sure of this decision and not even a fraction of a percent uncertain or apprehensive didn't fail to escape her notice. She wasn't the same person she had been a year ago, or even a few months ago.

She was happy.

The boxes stacked by the front door made her smile as she let herself into the front hall. "Hey," she called.

Footsteps padded lightly across the floor above her as she slipped off her shoes.

"You're early," Derek said as he made his way down the stairs.

Meredith bit her lip as she surveyed his choice of attire. Old jeans and a college tee. His cheeks were red and his breathing was just a bit elevated. He'd obviously been moving boxes around. "The Chief sent me home early," she explained as she unsuccessfully fought off the wave of arousal his appearance created within her. He looked good in anything, but the lounging clothes were a favourite of hers. And seeing him just a bit worked up...

"Lucky you," he murmured, stepping into her space and wrapping his arms around her.

She was a goner the moment he touched her. "Mmm-hmm," she agreed, reaching her hands under his arms and around his middle. She pressed her nose into the crook of his neck and inhaled.

"I'm glad your crazy shifts are finally over. For a week, at least."

"And I get to spend the whole week with you," she breathed.

He chuckled. "Lucky me."

"Lucky us," she corrected, reached up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "You know what we haven't done yet?"

"Mmm, what?" He asked between kisses.

"Said a proper goodbye to the house."

"A very good point. We should do that." He pressed closer to her.

"Living room floor?" She suggested. It made sense that their last time in the house should mirror their first. And all of her friend's were working today, so there was no chance of getting caught.

He kissed her again as his answer. Together they moved towards the living room, not breaking the kiss until they reached the couch. Meredith practically fell onto her back, pulling Derek with her. He pressed one, two, three kisses to her lips before pulling away a few inches and hovering over her, eyes sparkling and a mischievous smile on his lips.

"What?"

His smile grew. "I'm Derek."

She blinked in confusion.

"So you don't forget again," he added.

She giggled. "I still maintain that I didn't forget. I never knew in the first place."

He chuckled.

Hooking her hands behind his neck, she pulled his lips down to hers. "I'm Meredith," she murmured.

"Meredith," he echoed, just as he had done that first morning, as if marvelling at her name.

Despite the sixteen months they had spent together between then and now, she felt her heart flutter just like it had that first time. "Meredith Grey-Shepherd," she added, reminding them both that not everything was the same.

"Meredith Grey-Shepherd," he repeated, eyes still sparkling. "That's a pretty perfect name."

"I like it."

"Me too," he whispered, closing the space between them once more and kissing her breath away.

"This is how we need to christen the new house," Meredith panted.

"Agreed."

_**AN: Next up is moving fun and then a return to 'season four.' I've been re-watching the second half of S4 and debating what to include and what not to. I'm torn about the trial and am looking for opinions. Is this something you want to read? If so, as a major storyline, or a smaller storyline? There's a lot of good in it, but it's purpose in the show was to put them together, which isn't so much an issue here. Also, this would put a lot of focus on non-main characters. And there's a lot left out in the show...we only got to see half the actual patients, and we never actually got the explanation as to what they were trying to do. Shrink the tumour only? Make it disappear? Make it small enough to operate? Not sure how much detail I could write. What do you think? Keep in mind, any of the trial patients could be normal patient's with operable brain tumours if you want to see them included. Thanks!**_


	114. Moving Week

_**AN: Sorry for the delay. I really wanted to get the entire move into one chapter, so it ran pretty long. Barring complications, the next chapter should be up much sooner. And, for those waiting for another chapter of HWA, I don't have a timeframe, but it's in the works... BIG thanks to everyone reading for your continued support.**_

* * *

"This is kind of boring."

Derek chuckled. There wasn't a single drop of paint on the wall yet, and already Meredith was bored. "You're the one who wanted to do this ourselves," he reminded.

Standing on the small stepladder above him, Meredith made a face. "I want to be able to look back and remember doing it. I just...never thought it would be this boring."

"It's been less than two hours," he pointed out as he passed her a long strip of painter's tape.

"Well, it feels like longer." She turned and reached up to press the tape along the line of the ceiling for protection while they painted. "I get the expression now."

"What expression?"

She hopped down and dragged the stepladder several feet along the floor. They'd repeated this process numerous times already as they'd taped the ceiling, doors, windows and baseboards everywhere else in the condo. The living room was the last room, which was good because they were running low on tape, despite the fact that his wife had made fun of him for the number of rolls he had bought in preparation to their painting.

"_Watching paint dry_," she responded as she stepped back up the ladder and reached for another strip of tape.

"We haven't painted yet. There's nothing to watch dry."

"I think I can make the connection."

He laughed as he ripped off a strip of tape and handed it to her. After Meredith had returned from work that morning and they had said a proper goodbye to the living room floor, he had taken her out to breakfast. They had then returned to the house and loaded all of the painting supplies into his car and driven to their realtor's office to pick up the keys. More than two hours later and they hadn't yet cracked open a can of paint.

Meredith finished with the tape and jumped down again. "One more," she mumbled gratefully, dragging the stepladder down to the only empty space left. "I think we should have paid someone to set up for the painting, and then we could do the painting without putting up with this crap."

"Next time."

She giggled.

He passed her the last strip of tape and smiled at her satisfied sigh when she finished applying it. "Four rolls of tape later and we're finally ready to actually paint," she said, standing on the step stool, still staring at the last strip of tape she had applied.

"Almost ready to actually paint," he corrected.

She turned around. "We've taped every freaking surface in this place. What could possibly be left?"

"Well, unless you plan on painting the hardwood floors, we still have to lay down tarps."

"Right." She nodded. "Tarps should be easier than tape."

Derek smirked. "Yeah, except we should really tape them down..."

Still standing above him, she placed her hands on her hips and glared down at him. "I hate you."

"You love me," he countered.

"I hate tape," she continued. "Tape is stupid."

"Mature."

"I hate painting."

Unable to stay away from his wife while she was being so adorably annoyed, he reached for her hand and tugged until she cracked a smile and stepped down the ladder. The moment he was standing on the ground beside him, he snaked his arms around her waist and kissed her. She kissed him back and then released a laughing breath against his lips.

"You're trying to distract me," she accused.

He chuckled. "I should have done this from the start; a kiss for every piece of tape."

"That would have taken twice as long. And knowing us, we would have gotten preoccupied and forgotten all about the painting..."

"Good point." He pecked her lips once more. "Do you want to take a break before we start painting?" He asked, knowing once they started painting there would be less opportunity.

She offered him a tired smile. "Yeah. Five minutes would be nice."

"Want a drink?"

"Yeah, a drink would be good."

"Not making fun of the cooler now," he commented, purposefully prodding her. Knowing they wouldn't have a fridge to keep drinks cold, and knowing they would want cold drinks, Derek had packed a cooler into the back of his car. Meredith had made fun of him when they had had to stop for ice after picking up the keys.

Meredith giggled. "Definitely not. Having a neurotic husband comes in handy."

Derek rolled his eyes as he crouched down beside the cooler he had left by the front door and pulled off the lid. "I am not neurotic."

"Suuuuure," she drawled.

He ignored her, not taking the bait. "Water or soda?"

"Water."

Pulling two bottle of – cold – water out of the cooler, he shut the lid and stood upright.

"Thank you," she murmured, as she took one bottle from his outstretched hand, and then stepped into his space and brushed her lips against his.

"You're very welcome." A stray lock of hair had evaded the pony tail holder she had used to pull the rest of her hair back and was hanging over the corner of her forehead beside her eye. His fingers twitched and he couldn't help but reach out to tuck the strand behind her ear. She leaned into the soft pressure of his fingers and he smiled, brushing his thumb against her cheek. Her skin was soft under his touch and even though her eyes shone with tiredness, they still sparkled as they met his. "I love you," he whispered.

She smiled softly at him. "Yeah?"

He leaned closer. "Yeah," he breathed, kissing her again.

"Mmm, I love you, too," she breathed back.

"We finally have our new home," he whispered.

Tucking herself against him, Meredith sighed. "Yeah."

He closed his arms around her small frame. "We can take a longer break if you want. Painting can wait." He hadn't been exaggerating when he'd called her a trooper the day before. Her strength and determination amazed him. If he'd worked the week she had, the last thing he'd want to be doing today was paint.

"If we don't get it done today, we'll just have to do it all tomorrow." The condo was large. They hadn't expected to get the entire thing painted in one go, but they'd hoped to get the main rooms – kitchen, bedroom, living room – done on the first day. He was just thankful the walls had already been primed. There was no way they'd be able to do every wall twice.

"Then it takes us an extra day. This is our home for as long as we want it. There's no hurry."

Meredith stayed silent in his arms.

Derek pressed a kiss to the side of her head, but said nothing more, knowing she was contemplating his offer. And he wouldn't blame her if she took it. They could lay the tarps and leave the painting for the next day. An early night would do them both some good.

After a long moment, she shook her head. "No, I want to start now. One room at a time and see how far we get."

"Okay." He pressed another kiss to the side of her head before releasing her. "How about we start in the living room?"

Having purchased large rollers, the painting went surprisingly fast. With its open concept and floor to ceiling windows, the combined living room/dining room was the right place to start and in less than an hour the walls went from stark white to soft beige. The kitchen, their next adventure, was also relatively easy to paint. Without any appliances to paint around, the kitchen walls quickly became light blue to match the navy counters. They split up next, Derek painting the spare bedroom and Meredith the office.

"Beat you," Meredith chided from the doorway to the spare room.

Derek glanced away from his third wall to meet her eyes. "I didn't know we were racing."

"You're just saying that because you lost."

He chuckled. "It wasn't a fair competition. The office is smaller than the spare room."

She rolled her eyes. "You're just a sore loser."

"Fine, if that's the way you want to win..." He trailed off on purpose, knowing his competitive wife wouldn't be able to let it go.

"I hate you."

"You know, we've only been married for four months and I've lost track of how many times you've said that to me _today_. Should I be concerned?"

Meredith laughed. "I love you as well," she added.

He joined her in laughing. "Why don't you move on to the bathroom? We're almost done this floor." He turned back to the wall he was painting, expecting Meredith to leave. Instead, he heard her soft footsteps move towards him.

"I am glad we're doing this," she murmured as her small hands snaked around his waist and she pressed her front against his back. "Painting kind of sucks, but at the same time...I'm having fun."

"Me too," he said honestly. "Though, pretty much anything is fun with you."

He felt her lips against the back of his neck. "Corny."

"But true. I wouldn't do this for all the girls."

She giggled. "Thank you for doing this with me."

Derek paused in his painting to lean back into his wife's arms. "It was a good idea for us to do this ourselves," he told her. "Good memories."

She pressed her face into his back, right between his shoulder blades. Her smaller frame pushed against his as she sighed and her arms tightened around him.

With a smile, Derek allowed his wife her moment and returned to painting, knowing this was all a much bigger deal to her than him. To Derek, this was a welcome step forward. He looked forward to the privacy of living with just his wife. And he loved the combination of modernism and character that the condo offered. He looked forward to this place being his new home. Meredith, on the other hand, had never truly had a place to live that felt like _home_. She had enjoyed living in her mother's old house with him and her roommates, but her history with the house prevented it from ever being a place she could feel completely safe and at home. This was an opportunity for her to feel at home, probably for the first time in her life. So, even though she looked forward to the move for the same reasons as him, she had even more to gain.

After a long moment, she sighed and withdrew her arms from around his waist. "I'll go start on the bathroom."

Derek let her go without a word, and quickly finished with the last wall of the room. By the time he joined Meredith in the bathroom, she was on her second wall.

"I beat you," he mocked.

She shot him a look. "Unless you painted a room down here that I didn't even know existed, I'm lapping you."

He laughed. "How's it going in here?"

She scrunched her face. "Okay, but there's a lot to paint around, so it's a little slow."

"Maybe it's you that's slow," he prodded with a smirk.

She stopped painting the wall and turned to him, the paintbrush held out between them like a weapon. "Excuse me? I am so the superior painter in this marriage."

He ignored the paintbrush, certain she was joking. "Now there's something to be proud of..."

In one moment she stood glaring at him, her eyes sparkling, and in the next moment she reached out with her paintbrush and smeared his chest with light green paint.

Taken by surprise, Derek glanced down at himself, and then back up at his now smirking wife.

"I've wanted to do that for _hours,_" she announced, clearly pleased with herself.

He reached for the paintbrush, but she shrieked and pulled her hand away. Stepping forward, he reached again and managed to catch her flailing arm by the wrist.

"No!" She laughed as he pulled her hand down so it was between them, still holding the wet paint brush.

"Now, where should Meredith paint herself?" He asked, as if contemplating. He pressed her hand closer to her own face so that the brush tip was only inches from her cheek.

She giggled, but held his gaze, her arm relaxing in his grasp as if she was no longer fighting against him. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I would dare," he countered, leaning in closer.

She smirked, and before he could react, she pushed her hand towards him, catching him on the chin and neck with the paintbrush.

Shocked at the turn of events, he stood motionless for a moment, chastising himself for letting his guard down – he should have known her plan the moment she stopped fighting – and then moved forward. Momentarily forgoing the fight over the paintbrush, he pressed his chest against hers, sharing the green paint she had smeared across her chest.

"Derek," she cried through her laughter.

"You started it," he countered, wiping his chin off on her shoulder, not even caring that she was wiping whatever paint was still on the brush off on his back.

"You were asking for it."

He laughed and pressed her back against the wet wall behind her.

Meredith shrieked. "Cold!"

"This will warm you up," he murmured against her lips, before kissing her soundly.

She gave into the kiss, relaxing in the space between Derek and the wall. The paintbrush fell to the ground – good thing for the tarps. He pressed against her with a groan. She moaned into his mouth and pulled him closer to her. He reached out to brace himself on the wall, but his hand slipped on the wet surface.

He pulled away breathing hard. "Maybe not the best place to do this."

Meredith giggled. "You totally ruined my painting job."

"We can repaint." He made a face at his now green palm.

"It's a good thing we're not wearing any clothes we want to keep," she said dryly.

Derek smirked at the fact that he had totally won the paint fight. While she had gotten his chest, his chin and a few swipes on his back, she had a matching smear on her chest, paint on her shoulder, a matching green chin from their kiss and her entire back, from head to toe, was covered in green. "Good point," he said, reaching to wipe his wet hand across the fabric covering her breasts.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Now that's mature."

He pecked her lips before releasing her and stepping back.

She made a face as she peeled herself off of the wall and then turned to survey to damage. She giggled at the outline evident in the paint – her form and Derek's handprint. "It looks very dirty."

He chuckled his agreement at her outline on the wall. "How about we finish downstairs and call it quits for the day? We can paint upstairs tomorrow."

"Okay."

He smiled and reached his dry hand to wipe the paint off of her chin. "You're cute in paint."

"So are you," she said, mirroring his actions by wiping the paint from his chin. She then smirked and wiped the end of a finger on the tip of his nose.

He laughed, but restrained himself from retaliating. "You feel better now?"

She nodded.

"Truce?" He held out a hand.

"Truce," she said, shaking his hand, "For today, anyway."

* * *

Used to waking to the sound of an alarm or pager, Meredith was momentarily disoriented after waking on her own accord. Sun was streaming through the window. It was later than Meredith had been able to sleep in for a while.

Blinking the fuzziness from her eyes, she glanced at the alarm clock. It was just after nine in the morning. She yawned and stretched.

And winced.

A groan escaped her mouth and she curled her arms around her small frame.

"Mer?" Derek whispered from behind her, his voice filled with sleep and quiet as if he wasn't sure she'd actually made a noise.

"Ouch," she complained, closing her eyes and willing herself back to sleep where she'd been blissfully pain-free.

She felt the bed move as Derek shifted behind her. And then his arm snaked over her waist and he pressed against her back. "What?"

"Every freaking muscle in my freaking body hurts," she declared.

Derek settled around her. His breath was hot against the back of her neck. His body was solid against her back and his arms were comforting around her. Even his legs were warm against hers. "I'm sore, too."

"Painting is stupid."

He chuckled. "It was your idea..."

"Well, you should have stopped me. Isn't it your job as my husband to stop me from doing stupid things?"

He pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. "Mer, I wouldn't dream of trying to stop you from doing anything you have your heart set on doing."

With a huff, she turned in his arms, wincing at the movement. "Are you calling me stubborn?"

Derek smirked. "Yes."

Despite her determination to glare, she cracked a smile. "I wish we could just stay here today. It's so warm and cozy." She burrowed against Derek's chest to prove her point and sighed, her face tucked into the crook of his neck.

He rubbed her back. "We can stay here, if you really want, but that means we won't finish painting, which means we won't be able to move in as soon as we want. And it means we'll miss the appliance delivery, which I'm sure will piss of the store, so it'll be at least another week before we have appliances, which means-"

"I get the point," she cut him off.

He hugged her to him and then released her. "If we hurry we can get the upstairs painted before the delivery truck shows up."

"Okay," she mumbled.

Derek rolled out of bed and stood. "Are you getting up?"

"I want to, but I can't move. Everything hurts. The back of my legs, my back, my shoulders, my arms." She sighed. "I feel like I ran a marathon."

He chuckled. "If painting for a few hours feels like you ran a marathon, then you're really out of shape..."

She managed the strength to lift her head and glare at him.

He lifted his hands in mock surrender before she could say a word. "I'll go get you some ibuprofen."

"Please," she agreed.

Derek leaned over to press a kiss to her cheek before leaving the room.

Laying her head back down, Meredith sighed. "Painting is stupid," she mumbled to herself.

* * *

After leaving the condo to dispose of the last of the painting gear and supplies they had gone through, Derek let himself back in and immediately chuckled at the sight. They had brought in and stacked a number of area rugs that morning, and right in the middle of the stack was his wife, laying flat on her back, her eyes shut, and her arms and legs splayed at all angles. She, like he, had changed out of her 'painting clothes' now that the upstairs had been painted to match the downstairs. She was now dressed in jeans and a green top that he thought brought out her eyes. Tiptoeing over to her prone form, he gently lifted one foot, meaning to tickle her abdomen with his toes.

"Don't even think about it," she warned, not even bothering to open her eyes.

"What makes you think I'm planning on doing anything?"

Despite the fact that her eyes were still closed, he sensed she was rolling them. "Because I know you."

With a smiled, he settled himself on his back beside her and reached for her hand.

"Painting is done."

"Painting it done," she echoed. "Finally."

He smiled at her relief. Despite the muscle pain she'd woken up with that morning, she'd still spent the morning proving she could paint faster than him while they completed the upper level. "So, I'm thinking when we build the house we'll hire painters?"

"Maybe. It wasn't _that_ bad."

He laughed. "Can you even move?"

She made a face. "My arms are killing me. Why are you not in as much pain as me?"

"Maybe because you're overly competitive and went as fast as you could to beat me. I know to control myself."

"Smart ass."

"Not that I'm complaining," he added, purposefully baiting her, "You saved me from being as sore as you. I guess I should be thanking you."

"I hate you."

He chuckled at her flat tone, having lost count of the number of times she'd said that to him over the past two days alone. "I guess this just means I win."

She sighed, but said nothing.

He echoed her sigh and squeezed her hand. "What do you want to do now?"

"Lie here."

He laughed. She had yet to so much as open her eyes. "As much as I love lying here with you," he squeezed her hand again, "It's not very productive."

"Shouldn't the appliances be here by now?"

He glanced at his watch. It was a little after one in the afternoon.

"They said between twelve and four. So, hopefully soon."

"Other than that all we planned on doing today was cleaning, right?" They wanted to clean the bathrooms and kitchen before they started to move their things in.

He nodded. "And we could lay out the rugs," he said, patting the pile of area rugs underneath them.

Meredith released his hand and shifted. For a moment, he thought she was going to get up. Instead, she turned towards him. "In a few minutes," she agreed, leaning her body into his and settling her head on his shoulder. She reached her arm across his chest and lay contentedly against him.

Derek waited until she stilled before looping his arm around her small frame. "In a few minutes," he agreed easily, knowing he'd lay like this for hours with her if that was what she wanted.

She drew a deep breath and slowly released it. "This is comfy."

"Yeah," he agreed, "Though it will be more comfy once we have a couch. Or a bed."

She giggled. "It is kind of empty in here." Now that the walls were coloured, the rooms seemed incredible bare.

"Not for long." Some of their furniture was set to be delivered the following day.

"Hmm," came Meredith's response. She splayed her fingers against his chest and rubbed her thumb across the material of his shirt.

Not feeling an ounce of tension in her body, Derek left her to her silence, knowing she needed it to absorb all the changes that came with moving. She had to internalize her feelings first, had to be able to make them make sense to herself, before she could verbalize anything to him. It wasn't that she was keeping him out of her thoughts; it was that she wanted to feel everything with him, but didn't always know how. She needed to let the jumble of feelings roll around in her head until they could be named. Happy. Sad. Afraid. Hopeful. Anything. After a lifetime of not allowing herself to acknowledge her feelings, she needed some time now to understand them before she could share.

At each step and delivery, the move became more and more real. He didn't expect her to have anxiety about it, but knew his wife wouldn't be who she was if she didn't _feel_ the changes. He'd learned a long time ago to let her feel the changes and wait for her to come to him with her thoughts.

Closing his eyes, he sighed, enjoying the feeling of having Meredith so close. With their hectic schedules he'd learned to take advantage of the moments he could. If the delivery truck didn't arrive until 3:59 – which was a good possibility in a 12-4 window – and Meredith didn't initiate getting up, he was content to lay right where he was until then.

"I like it here," Meredith declared suddenly.

He opened his eyes and smiled. "I like it here, too."

"I wasn't sure how long it would take, or if it was something that I had to work at or would just happen."

"Liking it here?"

"Having it feel like home here."

He felt the breath leave his chest at her words. His biggest struggle with being her partner was remembering that not only did she not have the same experiences as him, but hers hadn't even come close. She hadn't felt a lesser degree of 'home' to her childhood dwellings; she hadn't felt it at all. With his background it was hard to remember that her perspective was so very different that he would never have even considered her perspective on things had he not fallen in love with her. He had to actively remind himself to rethink and reconsider so many things he took for granted in life.

"You feel like home here?"

"I think so," she said quietly.

His heart tugged at her statement. So new was she to this that she wasn't even sure what it _should_ feel like. "I think so, too," he said, encouraging.

"I know we've only officially owned it for, like, twenty-four hours, and that it's, well, empty..." She trailed off with a giggle. "But I like it here. It feels comfortable. And I can imagine us living here."

"We'll make lots of good memories," he promised, imaging their future in this home. The early mornings and the lazy Saturdays. The nights where they'd be too exhausted from their jobs to do more than order in and curl up on the couch together.

Pushing herself off of him, she scooted up and brushed her lips against his. "We already are."

"Corny," he whispered, echoing the playful teasing he'd been on the receiving end of a lot lately.

She giggled, and his heart swelled at the sound. He'd done that. _He'd_ made her happy. She pulled back, but he pressed his hand to the back of her neck, insisting on one more kiss.

Meredith laughed against his lips between what became more than one kiss.

When she eventually pulled away, she sat up beside him, hip to hip, facing him. "I guess we should get some work done, or we're never going to get moved in."

He sat up and mirrored her position. "Slave driver."

She giggled. "Where should we start?" She patted the rugs underneath them. "The rugs?"

"Sure," he nodded.

She stood. "We should probably sweep the floors first, huh?"

He glanced around the room as he stood, noting the dust and bits of debris that had accumulated on the floors. "Good point." His gaze found the walls and the lines of green separating them from the floors, ceiling, windows and doors. "And we need to pull down the tape before we sweep the floors, cause it's just going to dump dried paint dust onto the floors."

Meredith followed his gaze and made a face. "I forgot about the tape." She sighed. "After we spent _so_ much time putting it up."

"We could leave it up there," he suggested.

She smiled. "It _would_ be an interesting decorating choice."

"It wouldn't really go with the furniture we picked out."

"But we'd be making a statement."

He chuckled. "I'm just not sure what kind of statement..."

"Okay, let's do this thing so we can be done with the stupid tape forever."

Biting his tongue to keep from reminding her that they'd need to remove the tape from the upper level the next day, Derek walked over to the small pile of miscellaneous things they had brought for their moving week; cleaning supplies, paper towel, garbage bags, the cooler, and so on. He pulled two garbage bags out of the box and passed one bag to his wife. "I'll race you," he joked.

She smiled as she took the offered bag. "Racing is a bad idea. I don't want to risk pulling paint off with the tape, because the last thing I want to do is have to repaint."

"You're just afraid because you know you'd lose."

Her body quivered ever so slightly. She took a slow, deep breath.

Derek smirked, knowing he'd hit a nerve. She was fighting her own competitive side that was urging her to accept his challenge.

"You're the slow one," she finally retorted. "I don't want to embarrass you."

He debated a moment before decided to push her a little further. "Hey, it was _your _room we had to finish painting last night before we left. If you'd been able to keep up, we could have left sooner."

"_Re_painting," she clarified. "We had to finish _re_painting it. And the only reason we had to repaint it was because _you_ destroyed a perfectly good wall of paint!"

He laughed at the memory of her outline in the green paint on the downstairs bathroom wall. "We should have taken a picture."

She giggled. "It's good that we didn't. It looked a little porny."

"What's wrong with that?" He prodded.

Ignoring his question, she turned to survey the living room. "Okay, how about you start low and I'll start high."

"And we'll meet in the middle," he added playfully.

She shot him a look that screamed '_if I didn't love you so much...'_

"Yes, dear," he added.

With another playful smile, she retrieved the stepladder from near the door and dragged it over to the edge of the wall. He watched her step up to the top and carefully peel a long line of tape off of the edge of the ceiling. She rolled the tape into a ball, climbed down the ladder and shoved the tape ball into the garbage bag. She then dragged the stepladder down to the next strip of tape and climbed up to the top. However, instead of reaching for the tape, she turned to him, hands on her hips. "Are you going to help?"

He smirked. "You're sexy on a ladder. I'm a little distracted."

She cracked a smile. "Seriously, Derek, you're just proving how slow you are."

Refusing to take her bait, he moved to the other side of the room and started peeling off all of the tape in reach.

They were nearly finished when there was a knock at the door.

Having just climbed to the top of the step ladder, Meredith glanced at him. "The appliances?"

He glanced at his watch. 2:17PM. "Maybe." He padded over to the door and swung it open. The sight that greeted him was not what he expected. Instead of some unenthusiastic delivery man, he found his wife's best friend.

"Cristina," he greeted.

She nodded at him. "Hey."

Stepping out of the doorway, he waited until Cristina crossed into the apartment before shutting the door.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked, stepping down the ladder.

Cristina slipped off her shoes and joined Meredith in the living room. "This place is huge," she commented, turning in a full circle. "When you said it was an apartment I was expecting less than a thousand square feet. This has got to be more than two."

"Yeah, it's...not little."

"The colour looks good," Cristina added.

"You picked it out."

Derek smiled at that. When Meredith had told him Cristina had had an informed decision on paint colours, he had barely believed it.

"Appliances here yet?"

"Soon."

"Good, I didn't miss the delivery."

Meredith laughed. "I thought you were joking about that."

"I wouldn't have given up a surgery for it, but..." She trailed off with a shrug.

Furrowing his brow, Derek spoke up. "You came to watch our appliances get delivered? Do you have some thing for appliances that I don't know about?" He glanced to Meredith and then Cristina.

"It's not about the appliances," Cristina explained. "It's about the men delivering them."

"I don't underst-" He cut himself off as a wave of understanding washed over him. He fought the urge to roll his eyes. "You came here for the sole purpose of gawking at delivery men?"

Cristina shrugged, clearly unbothered for him to know.

He turned his attention to his wife, who blushed slightly and avoided his eyes.

Shaking his head, Derek smirked. "Why don't you give Cristina a tour?"

Meredith took the out and quickly ushered her best friend down the hallway that led to the office, spare bedroom and downstairs bathroom, situated on one side of the large, combined living room/dining room. On the other end was the kitchen, pantry and laundry room. Upstairs was the loft-style master bedroom, complete with walk in closets and an on suite bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub. The outside terrace on the lower floor was several times deeper than the average balcony and stretched most of the length of the condo. Upstairs, the master bedroom had its own small, private balcony.

Able to hear giggling and talking, but no actual words from down the hall, Derek chuckled. He didn't understand their relationship, but he respected it and was grateful for it, for Meredith's sake. Leaving them to their chatting, he turned back to his task of removing the tape.

After far longer than it should take to show someone three empty, undecorated rooms, Meredith and Cristina appeared from the hallway.

"...And this is the dining room," Meredith announced with a wave of her hand to the left side of the room, "living room," she waved at the middle, "kitchen," she waved at the right side.

"I like the view," Cristina commented.

"It's even better from upstairs," Meredith said, enthusiasm lining her voice as she led Cristina to the stairs that would lead them up to the master suite. And then there was more laughing.

Derek chuckled, not minding at all being left with the last of the tape in the very large room when his wife was able to be so excited with her friend.

With just one more strip of tape to go, there was another knock at the door. This time it was the appliance delivery. Derek had to bite back a smirk at the sight of the delivery man standing on the other side of the doorway, clipboard in hand. Likely in his mid to late fifties, he was forty pounds overweight, bald, and wearing very faded jeans and a wrinkled, ripped tee shirt. Probably not exactly what Cristina was hoping for. He actually had to cough to mask a chuckle at Cristina's expression when Meredith and Cristina came down the stairs.

"We have two more deliveries tomorrow," Derek whispered to his wife's best friend. "Are you free between 10 and 5?"

"Shut up, McDreamy," she hissed.

* * *

"Our fridge is sad," Meredith announced.

"Then we should send it back. I specifically requested a happy fridge," Derek quipped.

Meredith glared at him.

He chuckled. "Why is it sad?"

Meredith motioned him over to her side of the open door. "See," she said, waving her hand at the emptiness. Three bottles of water stood in the very large door and a single apple sat in the middle of the top shelf. After the appliances had been delivered and hooked up the day before, Meredith and Derek had finished removing the tape from the rest of the downstairs, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, swept the hardwood floors, vacuumed the carpeted rooms, laid out the area rugs, and then emptied the remaining contents of their cooler into their shiny new fridge before heading back to the house for the night.

Derek nodded his agreement. "It is a little sad. One of us has to be here all day for the deliveries, but the other can maybe make a grocery store run?" There were two deliveries planned for the day; the living room, dining room and kitchen furniture, and the wrought iron patio set they had picked out for their downstairs terrace. The bedroom and office furniture were expected the following day. And then the day after, Friday, Meredith and Derek had to return to work. They were each working Friday and Saturday, with the following Sunday and Monday off work. Their goal was to get as moved in as possible by Thursday night.

"Good idea."

"But you know what we need to do right now, don't you?"

She shook her head.

"Pull the tape off the upstairs walls."

She made a face. "I'm really starting to hate tape." Having only painted the upstairs the previous morning, they hadn't touched the tape yet.

"It'll be quick," he promised, "And then no more tape."

Meredith smiled and bumped his hip with hers. "Okay." She shut the fridge and led the way up the stairs to the master bedroom.

* * *

Derek was pulling his third strip of tape off the wall when Meredith walked behind him, brushing his back as she did so. He shot her a happy smile. The moment he turned back to the wall and reached for another strip of tape. Meredith made a noise that sounded like a muffled laugh. He glanced at her, but she was looking away from him, focussed on the opposite wall. Several strips of tape later, the same thing happened. Meredith walked by him again, brushing his back with her hand. Again.

He glanced at her again.

She covered for a laugh with a cough.

"What are you planning?"

"Nothing."

"I don't believe you."

She laughed, her eyes filled with humour. "I'm not _planning_ anything."

"Then what are you _doing_?"

She simply shrugged and turned back to the wall.

When she attempted a third pass, he spun towards her. She jumped and quickly dropped her hands to her side. He took in the clearly guilty expression on her face. "Seriously. I know you're up to something."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He allowed his eyes to slowly travel down her body, taking in every detail, looking for some indicator of what she was up to. She raised her hands, as if to exert her innocence. He followed her movements, taking in the small amount of tape in her hand. The tape. It had something to do with the tape. But what?

He glanced at the walls. She'd taken down a substantial amount of tape. But there was only a small amount in her hand. Where had she put the rest?

With a sigh, he realized what she had been doing. He reached behind himself to pull several strips of tape off of his back. "Mature."

Meredith laughed.

In retaliation, he pressed a strip across her abdomen, and then another across her breasts.

"Who's the mature one now?"

With a chuckle, he stepped forward and pressed his lips to hers. The tape could wait.

* * *

The first delivery arrived at eleven in the morning, and Meredith and Derek spent an hour directing the delivery men on where to place furniture. They then spent another hour removing the protective coverings. At a little after one in the afternoon, Meredith collapsed onto their brand new leather couch.

"Oh my God," she murmured, "This is the most comfortable couch _ever_."

Derek padded over to her and nudged her hip with his knee. Meredith rolled onto her side and shifted closer to the back of the couch. Derek lay on his back beside her, and she snuggled against his warm body. "This _is_ the most comfortable couch ever."

"You're pretty comfy, too," she added, pressing her nose into the crook of his neck and closing her eyes. "I never want to move."

His arms closed around her and he pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "Me neither."

"We have furniture."

"We do."

The dining room now boasted a table, chairs, sideboard and hutch, the living room a couch, love seat, two lazy boys, side tables, a coffee table and an entertainment centre, and the kitchen a small breakfast table, chairs and square shelving unit.

"And we'll have the rest tomorrow," she added. Their bedroom furniture. Office furniture. Bedroom furniture for the spare room. A table for the front hall. Shelving units for the panty and storage room.

"Mmm-hmm."

She smiled and snuggled a little closer to her husband's warmth. Her head had been a mess of swirling thoughts and emotions for days now, and these short cuddling sessions were helping her take a step back and just _be_ for a period of time. She felt so safe in his arms that she could delve into her mind and start to make sense of what she was feeling.

She was less sad about leaving her roommates than she had expected – she'd lived with Izzie for well over a year and Alex for close to six months – but maybe that was something to come. She hadn't actually spent a night away from the house yet, so missing her roommates could just be delayed.

Apprehension was something else she had expected to feel. She'd tried to keep it from Derek as best she could, knowing there was nothing for her to actually worry about, but she hadn't been able to push it from her own mind. It wasn't the moving as much as the unknown. She didn't know what 'home' was supposed to feel like, so what if she moved and felt nothing? Or what if after the move she missed the house? And what would it be like to live with just Derek? Yes, they had been living together for months and months, officially, and longer, unofficially, since the day she'd held her hand on a bomb and demanded they always sleep in the same bed. And yes, they'd been married for four months. But still. Getting married hadn't changed the way they'd lived their lives. It had changed her name and the appearance of their left hands, but nothing more. They'd still lived in the same house with the same people. This was like taking off the training wheels. This was real. Just him and her in a new home. She'd expected to be apprehensive about that, maybe even a little intimidated. Sometimes she felt like she didn't know how to be a real wife.

But she wasn't feeling intimidated or apprehensive or even stressed by the change. She was happy and looking forward to the future here in this place. She was making plans in her head for what should go where and what they still needed to get. She was grateful they'd found such a nice place to live. She appreciated that she and Derek had similar tastes, which had made decorating decisions easy. She was even feeling a little proud of herself, of them, for getting through this change so easily.

Even with all of the good things she was feeling, there was something else. Something she couldn't put her finger on. Something she couldn't separate out from everything else, analyze and label. It was both constant and fleeting, like it was there all the time, but changed constantly with everything else she was feeling. She felt it in her chest; a lightness.

Derek shifted slightly, drawing Meredith's attention. She smiled and pressed her lips against his neck softly, before smiling again. His arms tightened around her, as if he understood everything. She had feelings she couldn't yet understand. She needed time to label them, to understand what they were. She wasn't struggling. She loved him.

Lifting her head, she met his eyes, prepared to try and share with him what she was feeling, but his expression stopped her. Deep blue _knowing_ eyes met hers. His lips curled into a tender smile.

He _did_ understand, then.

She returned the smile, taken aback by how well he knew her. Though, she mused, maybe that was a two way street. She had found herself more and more being able to know what he was thinking or trying to tell her without him saying a word.

Laying her head back down on his shoulder, she sighed, her chest overwhelmed with that unnameable lightness again. But for right now, she would bask in the unknown feeling rather than try to analyze it.

* * *

Derek swore under his breath as a badly swung hammer strike clipped the very edge of the head of the nail, sending the nail falling to the ground. Being a surgeon, he avoided physical handiwork as much as possible for good reason. One minor accident could, theoretically, end his career. Even the slightest nerve or structural damage to a surgeon's hands could be devastating. But he hadn't hesitated in pulling out the hammer and two nails to surprise his wife. He'd been planning this for over a week.

He was just glad she wasn't here now to see him struggling with such a simple task. She'd left over an hour ago before to pick up some groceries and other smaller things they would need and now had places to put. Soap, toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner. Shaving cream. Dish soap and laundry detergent. Shower curtains. Kleenex, toilet paper and paper towels.

Bending down, he picked up the small nail and then held it up the pencil mark he had made minutes earlier. The first nail had gone into the wall without any theatrics. Four light taps with the hammer and voila. The second, though, was causing him grief. This would be his third try.

Holding the tip of the nail to the wall, he tapped the head several times with the hammer to anchor it into the wall. He then cautiously removed his fingers and hit the nail several more times, and then one extra time for good measure. Stepping back, he surveyed his handiwork with a self-satisfied nod.

Placing the hammer onto the coffee table, he reached for stone frame he and Meredith had bought in the Bahamas. She hadn't mentioned the frame since they'd returned from the trip, so he wasn't sure if she'd forgotten about it. In the excitement of deciding to get married and then the stress of returning to work and adapting to her second year of residency, he didn't blame her if she had forgotten. He hadn't, however, and the frame now boasted his favourite wedding photo. The two of them stood together on the edge of the beach, the water lapping at their feet, smiling softly at each other, having just said their vows. His arms were around her, and she was leaning back slightly in them. One of her arms was looped loosely around his neck and the other hand rested against his chest, right over his heart. The pose was comfortable and intimate and made Derek smile every time he looked at it.

Derek carefully placed the frame onto one of the nails he had hung and shifted it back and forth until it hung straight. Then he stepped back and smiled at the sight of it hanging on the wall. The first decoration of any kind to go up.

Glancing at his watch, he sighed. He had gone to get the frames out of their hiding place in his car the moment Meredith had left, but as soon as he had brought them up to the condo and located the hammer, the delivery truck had arrived with the patio furniture. He hadn't expected Meredith to be gone so long, but was grateful she had. It gave him a chance to hang the pictures before she got home.

Home.

He smiled at the realization that this was the first time he had thought of this place as home. The sight of their wedding photo on the wall just cemented the concept. There was just one thing missing.

He reached for the second, larger, frame. The one his family had given them as a wedding present. He hung it on the wall beside the wedding picture. Twenty-six smiling faces stared out at him; his mother and stepfather, four sisters, four brothers-in-law, nine nieces, five nephews, and his wife and himself. His family.

Their family.

The memory of how well everything had gone in New York the previous week washed over him. In their first trip, Meredith had clearly been accepted, but in their second, she had become family. She had been accepted and welcomed by even his distant family. She had been mothered by his mom. She had even helped talk his sister down on her wedding day. Lauren had told him at the reception just how much of an effect Meredith's words had had on her.

There was a shuffling sound at the door, and Derek turned away from the wall and hurried to help, smirking to himself at the timing.

"Hey," Meredith greeted as he swung the door open, her hands and arms supporting more bags than he could count. "Thank you," she said, stepping across the threshold. "I was trying to decide what to put down so I could open the door."

"Do you want me to take something?" He asked, following as she shuffled towards the kitchen.

"I'm pretty well balanced." She continued to the edge of the kitchen and crouched down so that everything would hit the floor at the same time. After sliding every handle off her arms she stood.

"Did you buy out the store?" He joked.

She laughed. "This isn't even everything. There's more in the car."

"My wife, the shopaholic."

She rolled her eyes and sidled up to him. "Be nice. I even bought your muesli without being asked. _And_ skim milk."

"You really do love me," he bantered.

"I do." She hooked her hands behind his neck and leaned in to kiss him.

"Mmm, I love you, too." He ran settled his hands on her shoulders to kiss her back, and then ran them over her shoulders, down her arms, to her hips.

"Did the delivery come yet?"

He nodded. "We have furniture outside now."

She smiled. "I want to see," she declared, momentarily abandoning the groceries and hurrying across the living room to the floor-to-ceiling windows. She got halfway across the room when she stopped.

He followed her gaze as he caught up, smiling when he realized she had noticed the photos.

"You put the pictures up," she whispered, now moving towards them.

"I wanted to surprise you," he said. She stopped a few feet from the wall, and he tucked himself in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. For a long moment they stared together.

She said nothing.

"If you want them somewhere else, we can move them." He'd picked a prominent wall, and with her silence wondered if she would want them somewhere else.

"No. They're perfect right where they are. I just..." Her body trembled in his arms. "They're just what I wanted." She turned in his arms. Her eyes were moist, but sparkling. "You promised me a wedding picture, and now we have it and a wall to hang it on. And we have a...a..."

"A family picture?" He offered.

The tears in her eyes overflowed her lower lids. "Yeah."

He wiped his thumb across her cheek. "We're going to have dozens of pictures up there one day," he promised. "Hundreds, even."

She giggled. "I think we'll need bigger walls for hundreds."

"Then we'll get bigger walls."

"Yeah...I think there's a level-of-space issue there..."

He chuckled. "Well, then, when we run out of wall space, we'll know it's time to build the house."

She pecked his lips. "Sounds good."

* * *

Meredith slowly turned the doorknob and silently pushed the door open part way. She ducked her head through the opening, and smiled when she didn't spot her husband in the immediate vicinity. They had brought two loads of things from the house together, and then separated. She had gone to pick up a third load of things while he had gone to pick up dinner. Derek had suggested that since they now had tables, they could eat at the new home before driving to the house for the night. But Meredith had other ideas. The moment she'd seen the pictures on the walls she'd been overwhelmed with the feeling that she now associated with 'home.' Despite the fact that their bedroom furniture wouldn't be delivered until the following day, Meredith wanted this to be their first night in their new home.

On her trip to the house, she had picked up a few remaining boxes, as planned. She had also pulled their pillows and bedding off of the bed and stuffed them into the backseat.

"Derek!" She called.

No response.

Cautiously, she pushed the door the rest of the way open. A wall of boxes stood by the back wall, waiting to be unpacked. A few had already been opened, and a small number of personal items had been placed around the room. A full garbage bag sat by the door, beside a half full bag. Unopened boxes of small appliances, pots and pans, dishes and cutlery sat on the kitchen counters. The only thing that had been taken out of its box was the coffeemaker.

The apartment certainly looked different now than it had just the day before.

"Derek?" She said again.

Still no response.

She spotted takeout containers from their favourite Italian restaurant sitting on the counter. He was definitely back.

Hurrying now, she scooped the pile of bedding off of the floor by her feet and padded quietly across the room to the living area. She laid the sheets and blankets down on the throw rug in front of the couch and dropped the pillows down as well. Who needed a bed when you had a living room floor? It had certainly never stopped her and Derek.

"Mer! Is that you?" Derek's voiced filter down from the upstairs loft.

"Nope!" She called back jokingly. "Not me."

She heard his footsteps on the stairs, so she met him at the bottom.

He offered her a wry smile. "Funny, you look like you."

She kissed him. "Ready for dinner?"

"Absolutely. I'm starving. I was just putting up the shelves in the closets."

"Good idea. We'll be completely moved in before we know it."

He pressed a kiss to her cheek before heading for the kitchen. "That's the plan."

"How would you feel about staying here tonight?" She asked they began opening takeout containers together.

"And christening the living room floor?"

She narrowed her eyes as she surveyed him for a long moment. He hadn't so much as glanced towards the living area since he'd come down the stairs.

He smirked. "You do remember that the upstairs is a loft, right? That means you can see down over the ledge.

Meredith glared at him. "You were spying on me?"

He shrugged. "Only a little."

"I hate you."

He laughed out loud. "I love you, too, dear."

Despite her best efforts, she laughed as well and bumped his hip with hers. "Living room floor?"

"I think that's a great idea." He kissed her. "Very _us_."

Hours later, after dinner, after unpacking everything they could, and after finally christening the living room floor of their new home, Meredith and Derek lay quietly together, catching their breaths.

"Wow, that was..." Meredith trailed off, unable to come up with a suitable adjective.

"Amazing?" Derek suggested.

"Amazing," she agreed.

He rolled towards her, his arm stretching across her bare abdomen. "You're amazing," he whispered, pressing several kisses to her lips.

"Hmm," she murmured, "I think it's us who are amazing."

"Extraordinary, even."

The term clenched around her heart. She closed her eyes and breathed. There was a time when she had thought she'd never live up to her mother's expectation of extraordinary. Now she had her own. And she was living it every day. "Extraordinary," she whispered back.

Derek pulled the covers over their bare bodies and pressed against her with a sigh. She turned away from him so he could spoon her, and once they were settled, she threaded her fingers through his.

She felt his lips against the back of her neck and squeezed his hand. "I love you," she whispered. It wasn't something they said all the time, but now, their first night in their new home, she felt the need to say it.

"I love you, too, Mer," he said, "So much."

"So much," she echoed.

His arm tightened around her for a moment and she sighed. This was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. Her husband. Her partner. The love of her life. And this was the home they would live in for the foreseeable future.

They'd gotten through so much to get here, but she would do it all again if she had to. This was worth it. This feeling of safety, of love and hope and happiness. The lightness in her chest swelled again. The training wheels were officially off, but she had no doubts that they would continue to be the happy and secure couple they had become; a couple with a past, present and future.

Future.

She smiled, thinking of all the experiences to come in their new home. All the good memories they would make, none of which would be overshadowed by memories of long ago.

The lightness swelled stronger, and she released a laughing breath as she was finally able to label it.

Relief.

She had made it. She had overcome everything; her parents, her childhood, her fear and issues. The restrictions of living in her mother's house had been the last to go. Learning to be a partner within those walls had been therapeutic, but now was the right time to move on.

"What're you thinking about?" Derek murmured behind her, his breath hot against the back of her neck.

"Just that we made it."


	115. Chapter 115

_**AN: I know I said this chapter would be up much sooner, and that HWA was in the works, but unfortunately my writing was put on hold for a few weeks. My dad had some medical issues and ended up having surgery. He's doing okay now, so barring any complications, or other random and unexpected issues (seriously, with the number of random, crappy things that have happened to me/my family over the past two years, I feel like I'm a character on Grey's...lol) I should be able to be more regular with updates.**_

_**Regarding this chapter, as I said in chapter 102, I'm doing season 4 a little out of order. This chapter includes the Halloween episode from season 4 (which occurs much sooner in the plot in the show). I had asked for suggestions for Mark's retaliation to Derek after Derek paid the kid to pretend Mark was his father, and I used a suggestion that I got, but I can't seem to find the review/AN where the suggestion was made. To whomever it was, thank you! And please let me know who you are!**_

* * *

Meredith jolted awake as the alarm screeched through the silence of the bedroom like a siren. Beside her, Derek flinched as he woke as quickly as her.

"Wha-" He mumbled, sitting up and breathing hard at the shock of being woken up in such a way. The alarm continued to blare through the room, loud and inconsiderate.

"It's the alarm," Meredith said, pressing her face into her pillow. "I guess we should have tested the volume before we set it..."

"Volume?" He asked, blinking hard as he tried to wake up.

She rolled over and patted him on the thigh. "The alarm _clock_," she clarified. "Now turn it off. Please. Before it bursts both our ear drums."

Finally seeming to wake up and understand what was going on, Derek turned and swiped at the new alarm clock sitting on the new nightstand beside the new bed. In their new bedroom, in their new home.

This was their second night in their apartment and their first in the master bedroom.

When the room finally fell silent, Meredith sighed. "Well, that's one way to wake up..."

Derek lay back down with a heavy sigh and slung an arm across her abdomen. "Morning," he whispered against her bare shoulder.

"Morning," she echoed. "I don't want to go to work." They'd had four full days off work to move, but now had to go back. It was hard enough getting up so early after being able to sleep in all week, but compounding that with a shrieking alarm at full volume made it several times worse.

"Me neither."

She sighed. "It's just two days. And it's two regular days. No marathon shifts. No being on call overnight."

"Mmm," he agreed.

"Are you going to get up?"

"Thinking about it," he mumbled against her.

She ran her fingers through his dishevelled hair, smiling at how groggy he was. For someone who was normally such an annoyingly chipper morning person, she was always amused when he struggled to wake up.

"Do you know how we should start off our first work morning at our new home?"

"How?"

She ducked her head to whisper into his ear, "A quickie."

Derek lifted his head. "A quickie?"

"A quickie," she repeated.

He shifted so he was hovering over her. "We definitely need to have a quickie," he murmured, ducking his head to brush his lips against hers.

She smiled against his lips as he kissed her again. "Good way to start the day."

"When did you become a morning person?"

"I'm not. It's just nice to feel well rested for once. It's going to be a good day."

He kissed her again, but then pulled back and laid his hand across her forehead. "Are you feeling okay? You went from morning person to optimist in ten seconds."

Meredith giggled. "I'm not allowed to be optimistic?"

"Let's just say it gives me reason to be concerned."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"Yes, dear."

* * *

After arriving at work and standing in line at the coffee cart together, Meredith and Derek went their separate ways to ready for their day. Gripping tightly to her coffee cup, Meredith stepped onto the busy elevator and sighed when she noticed the buttons for every floor had been pressed. She should have taken the stairs.

The door shut and the elevator ascended one floor. The doors opened and several people stepped off. Right as the doors were shutting, Lexie hurried on.

Meredith did a double take. Her half-sister was wearing a large, red and white plaid bonnet with lace on the top and strips of fabric that fell well past her shoulders. "Morning," she said casually. She noticed a series of fake freckles on Lexie's cheeks and wondered for a moment if she was still asleep at home and all this was just a strange dream. Why she would dream _this_, though, Meredith had no idea.

"Morning," Lexie echoed as the elevator rose another floor, not offering any explanation for her attire. "How's the new house?"

"It's good," she answered, still eyeing Lexie's fashion choice. She mused whether they were in that place yet where Meredith, as the older sister, could say something.

"Are you all unpacked?"

Forcing herself to focus on Lexie's question and not her appearance, Meredith nodded. "For the most part."

"Is everything okay? You seem...distracted."

She opened her mouth to inquire about the hat, but then changed her mind and forced a smile to her lips. They really weren't in that place yet, she decided. It was best to just keep quiet and pretend nothing was different. She couldn't think of a simple reason for Lexie's attire, and she didn't have the time or the energy for a complex reason. "Coffee just hasn't kicked in yet," she said, motioning to the cup in her hand.

Lexie smiled, not knowing Meredith well enough to see through her excuse. The elevator opened on Meredith's floor.

"I'll see you later," she said, stepping past her half-sister and resisting the urge to look back as she made her way down the hall to the residents' lounge.

Cristina was the only resident in the lounge when Meredith pushed open the door. Leaning against her cubby, notes in hand, Cristina glanced away from her notes for just a moment to see who was joining her before her attention was back down.

"Look who decided to show up," she teased, flipping to the subsequent page of her notes.

"Ha ha," Meredith responded. "And I'm ten minutes early, thank you very much." She stuffed her purse into her cubby, smiling as she always did at the sight of the wedding picture pinned to the back – despite the four months that had passed it still felt new and exciting – and quickly exchanged her street clothes for scrubs.

Meredith was pulling on her lab coat when Cristina sighed and lifted her attention from her notes. "So, manage to get unpacked, or did you get too distracted trying to christen every room?"

Ignoring the slight heat in her cheeks, Meredith shot her best friend a glare. "We got a lot unpacked."

Cristina shoved her notes into the pocket of her lab coat and rolled her eyes. "You're an old, boring married couple already."

Meredith laughed. "There was plenty of christening as well," she admitted. They hadn't checked off every room yet, but they were making progress.

"Glad to be back?"

"Somewhat. I missed surgery. But I could have used a few more days off to settle in."

"I'm not going to be able to talk to you anymore when you become all domestic and crap."

"Don't worry. I'm sure that won't _ever_ be me."

"Good."

"So, what have I missed?"

"Not much. It's been pretty dull. Hahn had an aortic dissection, but wouldn't let me scrub in," Cristina said flatly.

"That's not nice."

Cristina shrugged, clearly trying to pretend it didn't matter.

"How's Lexie been?" She asked carefully.

Cristina shot her a surprised look, an eyebrow raised. "_Three_'s been fine."

"I just...I couldn't help but notice her...attire. Has she been like that all week?"

"Did she dress up?" Cristina asked, suddenly attentive.

Meredith noted the gleam in her best friend's eyes and slowly nodded. What was going on? "She's got this crazy hat and freckles..."

Cristina smirked and shook her head. "Interns are so gullible."

"_You_ made her look like she belongs on some grassy hillside with a herd of sheep?"

"I told her it was mandatory for interns to dress up on Halloween. If she chose a stupid costume, it's not my fault."

Halloween. With everything that had gone on the past few weeks, Meredith had completely forgotten. "Today's Halloween?"

Cristina nodded, shooting her a look that clearly said she disapproved of Meredith not knowing. "If you'd had your priorities straight, you could have harassed your interns with me," she joked.

"Sorry. Clearly I should have been paying more attention to the date than to flying across the country and then moving."

Cristina glanced at her watch. "We should go."

Together, they left the lounge and headed towards the intern locker room.

Meredith took a sip of her coffee and sighed.

"You seem happy."

"I'm always happy to have coffee."

Cristina cracked a smile. "No, I mean overall. You seem...happy."

"I'm not currently sleep deprived. You should try it."

"It's more than that."

Meredith shrugged. "I guess I am happy. I kind of like being married. And now, with the new house, I feel..." She trailed off, trying to come up with the right word. "I don't know. Relieved. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed to not live in that house. Too many bad memories."

"I get that your mom was a bitch, but was it really that bad?"

The sight of her mother's blood seeping across the floor flashed behind Meredith's eyes. She had to remind herself that Cristina had no way of knowing. The only person she had ever told was Derek. "Bad associations, I guess," she clarified.

"So, you're starting fresh?"

"Yes."

Cristina nodded. "I get that. I think I'm going to do that."

"You're going to move out of Burke's place?"

"If it worked for you, it should work for me."

Meredith smiled. "Good. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"I will."

"Have you told Callie?"

Cristina shook her head. "I'm sure she'll be fine with it. She's been sleeping on the couch for weeks. I'm sure she'd prefer her own room."

Meredith's smile grew. "You mean you'd still want her as a roommate?"

Cristina shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "She's not so bad. I mean, yeah, she's a little crazy, but she cooks."

Meredith chose not to push the issue, knowing Cristina was stepping out of her comfort zone to admit to these things. "Cooking is good."

"I guess Derek's going to do all of your domestic cooking now."

"What makes you say that?"

Cristina laughed. "Everyone knows you can't cook."

"I can so."

"You're a menace in the kitchen."

"And you're not nice."

"Maybe not, but I'm honest."

"I hate you."

Cristina laughed again. "Mature."

Meredith laughed as well. They rounded the final corner and she spotted her interns waiting at the nurses' station. She also spotted Cristina's interns, all three dressed up for Halloween. She bit back a smirk. "You're evil."

"You're just jealous you didn't think of this."

"You may be right."

"There's always next year," Cristina called before she strode up to her interns.

Meredith motioned for her interns to follow her back down the hallway to meet Bailey for rounds.

An hour later, Meredith muttered to herself as she wandered down the hall, several charts stacked in her hands. Somehow she was in charge of post ops, while all three of her interns were assigned to an attending for the day. Apparently it didn't matter that she had worked her ass off for the extra time off this month. Bailey had decided she didn't deserve to be in surgery.

Knowing the hospital layout by heart, she didn't even glance up as she turned the corner, but she did cry out in surprise as she collided with a solid object. The charts in her hands tumbled to the ground, but she was steadied by warm hands on her hips before she could follow them down.

The moment she met her saviour's eyes, she rolled hers. "Remember when I joked that you were hiding around corners to bump into me on purpose?"

Derek nodded, a smirk gracing his lips.

"Now I'm not joking."

He chuckled. "May I point out that it was _you_ that walked into _me?_"

"Nope." She raised an eyebrow. "You set me up."

His chuckled became a full-fledged laugh. "I did not." He leaned close and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "How's your day going?"

She sighed and crouched down to retrieve her charts. "Bailey's torturing me with post ops for having time off this month."

Derek crouched as well and together that made easy work of piling the charts. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever. How's your day?"

"Quiet," he answered as they stood. "Couple consults and I have a biopsy scheduled this afternoon."

"Want to trade?"

He smiled. "I would love too, but it would probably get us both fired, and we have a mortgage to think about now..."

She laughed at the comment. "Well, thanks for the thought."

"Anytime."

"I should get back to work," she smirked, "And let you get back to hovering around corners to scare random women."

Before he could respond, a boy stopped beside them and spoke up. "Do you really hover around corners to scare random women?"

Meredith bit back a laugh as she took in the concerned expression on the boy's face and Derek's expression of uncertainty. "It's weird, huh?" She said to the boy.

He nodded.

Derek huffed. "I was not hovering. I was walking. And I got walked into. Not the other way around."

This seemed to appease the boy.

After shaking her head at her husband's display, Meredith turned to the boy, taking in his ear deformity and hearing apparatus. "Are you lost?"

He shook his head. "No, my mom works in the cafeteria. She said I could come up and look for Dr. Sloan. Do you know him?"

Meredith glanced at Derek. "I have a hundred post ops to check in on. Can you take him?"

Derek nodded and motioned for the kid to follow him. "What's your name?"

"Ryan," he said as he followed Derek down the hall.

"Hi Ryan, I'm Dr. Shepherd. How'd you like to make twenty bucks?"

Meredith shook her head as Ryan's answer escaped her as the two traveled too far down the hall for her to hear.

It took her two hours just to visit and asses each patient she was assigned. Most were stable, but a few would need some supervision. Dropping by the Nurses' Station, she passed the charts across the desk with instructions to page her if any issues arose. The nurse nodded, but then caught her eye and offered a suspicious smile, as if she knew something.

Meredith smiled back, uncertain. With a nod, she turned around, but before she could take a step, a pair of nurses walked by, both shooting her the same smile as the first. One glanced downwards from Meredith's eyes and then whispered something to the other that Meredith couldn't make out.

She felt her brow furrow as she glanced down at herself, suddenly self-conscious that she'd been walking around with a stain on her shirt or with her fly open. No stains that she could see, and scrubs didn't have flies. From her own downward glance, there was no reason for her to be attracting stares. What was going on?

She left the area, meaning to check the surgical board to see if there was anything she could observe. Halfway there, she received same smile from an ultrasound technician she barely knew. Ignoring it, she continued, but then passed a pair of interns. The first shot her a quick glance and then whispered something to the other intern, whose head shot around to stare openly as Meredith walked by. She whispered something that sounded like 'how far,' to the other intern. Meredith ignored their eyes on her back as she walked past.

Still feeling incredibly self-conscious, she arrived at the OR board and frowned at the lack of activity.

"Grey," Bailey greeted, stepping up beside her.

"Dr. Bailey," she said quickly, not wanting to give her Chief Resident any more reason to be made at her. "I just finished with the post ops. I was checking the board, but there's nothing. I'll head down to the pit-"

"There's no need. I've got plenty of help down there."

Meredith faltered slightly. "Uh, where do you want me, then?"

Bailey pointed to fifth patient listed on the board. A senior resident was performing an appendectomy in OR 2. "Why don't you go observe?"

"An appy?" She's seen plenty of appys. She definitely didn't need to waste her time watching another one from the gallery.

"Just take it easy and enjoy the down time."

"Take it easy?" Meredith practically stuttered the words. In the few hours since she had first seen Bailey that morning, the senior resident had completely reversed her attitude towards Meredith. First she was taking too much time off and now she needed to take it easy? "Dr. Bailey, I just had four days off. I'd much rather be productive."

Bailey sighed in that way that told Meredith she couldn't actually force her to watch the appy but wished she could. "Just take it easy. No one's going to think less of you."

Before Meredith could question her odd behaviour, Bailey was gone.

Wondering for the second time if she was dreaming, Meredith shook her head. "Why is everyone acting crazy today?" She whispered to herself.

Deciding the pit was her best chance of seeing some action – she would just dodge Bailey if she saw her – Meredith headed towards the hallway that would take her to the elevators, but she stopped when she spotted the boy from earlier sitting with Mark in a conference room. Wanting to make sure he was getting the help he was looking for, and knowing Mark wasn't the most empathetic person in the world, Meredith knocked on the door. After hearing a muffled, "come in," she opened the door.

"You found him," she greeted Ryan, who offered her a smile.

"You two know each other?" Mark asked, his tone slightly exasperated. "Do you know his parents?"

"His mom works in the cafeteria," she responded, remembering from earlier. She approached the table, noting the many piles of papers and folders. "What's all this?"

"Letters from kids in my class," Ryan answered before Mark could respond.

"Letters to me," Mark added. "He has the internal structure to hear. He just doesn't have the canal or the external structure."

Ryan nodded. "I thought if I came in with my letters that Dr. Sloan would feel sorry for me and do the surgery for free." He shot a hopeful glance towards Mark.

The plastic surgeon sighed. "Look, I'd like to help. I would if I could."

Meredith was surprised to hear genuine regret in Mark's voice.

"But pro bono surgery-" Mark continued, only to be cut off.

"You should know that on my way in here this morning three different people thought I was in a costume." Ryan motioned to the hearing apparatus on his head. "My head looks like a permanent Halloween costume. I just thought you should know that." He glanced at Meredith, looking for support.

She offered him a smile. "You're good."

Mark sighed and continued what he was going to say before being cut off. "The problem is that pro bono surgery isn't just about me giving my time. The surgery you're asking for requires OR time, an anaesthesiologist, a general surgeon to remove cartilage from your ribs, and at least two surgical nurses."

After watching Ryan's face fall with every word Mark was saying, she couldn't help the wave of desire to help that washed over her when Ryan's eyes fell to the table in defeat. "Couldn't you ask them for help?" She asked Mark quietly. Yes, it would require a lot of help, but compared to many other surgeries, it would be relatively minor. And short. A couple hours only. The plastic surgeon was the most important team member to get onboard, and he was clearly willing to help.

He turned to her. "I could, but they wouldn't agree. Not for me. I don't have any social capital. The nurses hate me. They've gone so far as to form a club that's all about hating me." His gaze left hers as he continued, "And the other doctors don't owe me any favours because I've never done any for them," he admitted, before sighing and turning back to Ryan. "I'm sorry. I really am. I wish I could help. I would if I could."

Ryan looked up from the table and bravely met Mark's eyes. He nodded, accepting defeat, and though he was clearly fighting tears, he was accepting the answer.

Meredith felt her heart tug at his expression. She had to do something. "I have social capital," she blurted before she realized what she was thinking. "Well, I don't, not really. No one knows me, but they knew my mother."

Ryan's eyes snapped to Meredith, suddenly filled with hope again.

She offered him a small smile. "I can try to make this happen."

Mark stood and shot her a look that said he hoped she would be able to do it, but didn't actually think it was possible. "Fine. If you can make it happen, I'm in."

"Thank you!" Ryan called as Mark left the room. The moment the door was shut, he turned back to Meredith, excited and eager.

Meredith sat and ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, kid, let's figure this out. I need something to write on."

Ryan passed her a clipboard from his pile of letters.

Pulling a pen out of her pocket, Meredith wrote 'EARS' in large letters across the lined paper and then underlined it. "Okay, like Dr. Sloan said, we're going to need some help." She wrote 'plastic surgeon' on the first line, followed by 'Dr. Sloan.' She then added a large checkmark. "We've got our plastic surgeon, but we still need a general surgeon." She wrote 'general surgeon' on the second line, followed by 'Dr. Bailey' and added a question mark. She added three more lines: anaesthesiologist, surgical nurses and OR.

With a sigh, she placed her pen back in her pocket and stared at the list. "We should start with the OR. We can't ask people to help until we know when we'll need their help. And then we'll try to get Dr. Bailey on board. She'll be the best choice for a general surgeon."

Ryan nodded.

Meredith glanced up at him. "We're going to have to ask Dr. Webber for the OR and supplies. And he's not going to be very willing to help. Neither is Dr. Bailey. So, we're going to have to come up with a strategy."

"A strategy?"

Meredith nodded.

"What kind of strategy?"

"You know that sympathy thing you did with Dr. Sloan?"

Ryan nodded.

"Something like that."

* * *

After unashamedly using the memory of her dead mother to convince the Chief to donate an OR and equipment to their cause, and then securing an anaesthesiologist, Meredith decided it was time for a break. "I need a coffee, how about you?"

Ryan laughed. "I'm eleven. I don't drink coffee."

"Well, you have to drink something. We deserve to celebrate. This is easier than I thought."

"I like chocolate milk."

"Well, then, coffee and chocolate milk it is." She led them down the hall, only to be run into by a navy clad form while rounding a corner.

"Okay, now I know it's on purpose," Meredith stated as she met her husband's eyes after their second collision of the day.

Derek offered a breathy chuckle. "It's clearly you doing the hovering around corners," he countered.

"Liar."

He rolled his eyes, but moved away quickly. "I'm being paged to the ER. I'll see you later."

"You just know you're going to lose the argument," she called as he hurried down the hall.

Ryan glanced at her as they continued towards the coffee cart. "Does that guy really hover around corners?"

Meredith smiled and shook her head. "No. We just seem to have a habit of running into each other."

"So, why did you accuse him of doing it?"

"I wasn't really accusing him," she explained. "It's just become a joke between us." She paused for a moment, hesitating. "He's my husband," she told Ryan. "So, it's...kind of funny that it keeps happening."

Ryan nodded, accepting her explanation. "Is he a surgeon, too?"

"Yes."

"Do you think he would help?"

"He would absolutely help if he could," she said honestly. Derek had been involved in multiple pro bono surgeries in the near year and a half she had known him. "Unfortunately, he's not the right type of surgeon."

"Like you?"

"Kind of, though I'm just a resident. I don't have enough training to help you. He has the wrong kind of training."

Ryan fell silent for several minutes. It wasn't until they were approaching the coffee cart that he spoke up again. "You're wrong, you know."

"Wrong about what?"

"You said you didn't have enough training to help me. Dr. Sloan has all kinds of training, I'm sure, but he couldn't help me. You're helping me now."

Meredith smiled. "Well, you deserve it."

"You don't know that. I could be a horrible kid for all you know. I could be a bully."

"You don't really strike me as the bully type. And I have a pretty good gauge of character."

"Still, you're doing all this to help me..."

"You're welcome," she told him, knowing what he was trying to say. Maybe she wasn't helping to save a life today, but she was helping to change one for the better.

Ryan fell silent again as Meredith ordered a large coffee and a chocolate milk. She then motioned to an empty set of chairs by the front doors. "Let's sit and work on what we're going to say to Dr. Bailey."

"Okay," he said, following her.

A nurse passed them, sending Meredith the same look she'd been receiving all day; a strange smile and then a downward glance. She turned to Ryan before sitting down. "Do I look strange to you?"

Ryan shook his head. "No."

"Are you sure? People have been looking at me strange all day."

Ryan glanced at her and then shrugged. "I'm sure."

She would have let it go, but a group of ER interns sauntered past on their coffee break. Several stared openly at Meredith, and then leaned in close together, exchanging what she could only guess was money. "...forty on March..." She thought she heard from one of them, followed by snickers.

What was going on?

When they turned their attention back on Meredith, she glared at them, challenging. They quickly shuffled away.

With a sigh, Meredith sat. She'd finish trick-or-treating for ears and then she'd figure out what was going on with the staff of the hospital. She had been subject to stares and whispers several times before – when her relationship with Derek had first come out, after the bomb, after the near-drowning, after the wedding – but she hadn't done anything gossip-worthy in months.

Shaking her head, she forced her focus back to the task at hand. There were ears to be made.

Fifteen minutes later, after rehearsing their lines twice, Meredith spotted Cristina and Izzie at the coffee cart. She waved.

They momentarily forewent the coffee cart and approached her. Cristina appeared stone faced, but Izzie was positively giddy. "Meredith!" The blond called, practically bouncing up to her. "I'm so excited!" She pulled Meredith to her feet and then hugged her.

"Uh...I'm excited, too?" She responded. She sent Cristina a questioning look over Izzie's bouncing shoulder.

Cristina glanced at Meredith's coffee cup, and then back up at Meredith. "If the rumours are true, then you really shouldn't be drinking that, especially after the one you had this morning."

"What rumours?"

"That you're pregnant."

Meredith stuttered. "That I'm what?"

Izzie pulled away. "It's okay. Everyone knows."

"Everyone but me, apparently," she hissed.

Izzie's expression fell. "You mean you're not pregnant?" She practically whispered.

"No!"

Cristina shot her an amused smile. "Well, everyone thinks you are."

"Why?"

"Apparently Sloan told some nurses... Alex heard it from his interns. He told us. There are already bets about due dates. A lot of people seem to think that's why you got married so quickly, but seeing as you got married four and a half months ago and you're not obviously showing, there are bets about whether Derek knocked you up and you found out and got married, or whether you got pregnant afterwards. People are trying to see if you're showing, but hiding it under scrubs and a lab coat."

The stares and whispers now made sense. "Well, this is just freaking awesome," Meredith said sarcastically. "I'm going to kill Sloan."

Ryan, whom Meredith had momentarily forgotten about, cleared his throat. "Can you wait until after my surgery to kill him?"

Cristina raised an eyebrow. "Who's this?"

"This is Ryan. Sloan's going to build him some ears." She turned her attention to Ryan. "Don't worry. When I'm through with him, Sloan's going to owe me a hundred ears. Are you sure you only want two?"

* * *

Mark was, unfortunately, in surgery when Meredith had stormed onto the surgical floor, ignoring all of the glances that quickly shot downward from her face and smiles that she now understood. Instead of being able to berate her husband's best friend like she wanted to, she was forced to focus on her task at hand. Convincing Bailey to help had been much easier than expected. She had clearly heard the rumour, as evidenced by their earlier conversation about Meredith 'taking it easy,' so maybe she didn't want to upset her former intern in her 'condition.' She had also offered to secure scrub nurses and get back to Meredith. Too tired and too frustrated to attempt to counter the rumour to Bailey, Meredith simply said nothing about Bailey's behaviour.

With all of the pieces in place, Meredith sent Ryan to find his mom and have her sign the appropriate forms. She left instructions to have him page her when he returned with his mom after her shift was over.

She then rounded on her assigned post ops, who were all doing well. She made a few minor adjustments to medications and ordered only one set of tests. The nurse who ordered the tests for her blatantly glanced at her midsection, and even went so far as to step into Meredith, as if to see if she could 'accidentally' feel a baby bump. Meredith turned on her heel before any contact could be made. She was barely a few steps away, and definitely not out of earshot when she heard the nurse say to another nurse, "Put me down for twenty on the shotgun wedding."

"Are you sure?" The other nurse asked. "She'd have to be five months along..."

"If she hasn't popped yet, she could be hiding it. They probably think if they wait to let people know, we'll forget when they got married." She laughed. "They probably planned to go with the premie excuse."

Meredith didn't hear the rest as she walked out of earshot. She swallowed hard as she rounded a corner into an empty hallway and paused to calm her thoughts. It wasn't the first time she had heard comments like that in the past few hours. Despite the fact that she knew she and Derek had a strong relationship, and that they'd gotten married for the right reasons, it hurt that so many people seemed to think otherwise. Was it really so inconceivable that she and Derek had gotten married because they wanted to be married and not because they felt they _had_ to get married? Was it really so inconceivable that _he_ had wanted to marry _her_? And what made matters even worse was that people were getting more and more bold with their comments and volume. What had started out as glances and whispers had become full-fledged staring and not-so-quiet comments. It pissed her off that people were making such blatant comments within her earshot.

With a deep breath, Meredith pushed on towards the Nurses' Station. The moment she rounded the last corner, she felt a smile tug on her lips as she spotted her husband at the desk, making notes in a chart, a cup of coffee on the counter. He could _always_ make her feel better. She walked up to him and bumped his hip with hers.

"Hey."

He looked up and smiled. "Hey."

"So..."

"So," he echoed.

"Is that all you have to say?"

He turned so he was leaning sideways against the desk, facing her directly. "Is there something I'm supposed to say?"

"It's _your_ stupid friend who started all of this."

"All of what?" He asked with a chuckle, reaching for his coffee, clearly thinking she was joking about something.

"Have you not heard the rumours?"

He took a sip of his coffee. "What rumours?"

She rolled her eyes at the sparkle in his. He wasn't one to spread gossip, but he loved hearing it.

"Do you not realize that everyone is staring at us right now?" She could feel the eyes on her back. "That they've been talking about us all day?"

"That's not true." He looked away from her eyes, his gaze going over her shoulder. He frowned and then glanced around the room. "Okay, you may have a point. Why are they staring?" He took another sip of coffee.

"Because they all think I'm pregnant!" She hissed.

Derek made a strangled noise and then coughed as his sip of coffee went down the wrong way.

Meredith resisted the urge to roll her eyes again. It served him right for trying to drink at a time like this.

After one last cough, he placed his coffee onto the counter and met her eyes. "What? I don't even...what?"

"How can you possibly not have heard that? People have been staring at me _all_ day. They're trying to figure out how far along I am."

Derek blinked. "Wait. Back up. You said... Are you...?"

"No! And I'm going to kill your stupid friend for this."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "Mer, I have no idea what you're talking about. Start from the beginning. You're not pregnant. Or...you think you may be? Why do people think..."

She noted the concerned expression on his face and forced herself to take a breath. This wasn't his fault. And he was the only other person in the world who knew with absolute certainty why they had gotten married and how secure their relationship was. "I'm not pregnant," she whispered, "And I don't think I am, or that I could be."

He nodded, and she couldn't help but recognize a small glimmer of disappointment in his eyes. "Okay."

"But there's this rumour that I am."

"Which is why people are staring."

"Yes." She nodded. "And apparently it started with Mark telling a bunch of nurses this morning."

"Mark?"

She nodded. "There are already bets about due dates. And bets about whether or not me getting pregnant is why we got married. People think I've been hiding a baby bump under my scrubs."

He shook his head. "How have I not heard a word?"

"I don't know, but-"

"I mean, seriously, not a single word. When did you hear about it?"

"Derek!" She hissed. "So not the issue."

"Right," he offered her an apologetic smile. "I'll talk to Mark and-"

Meredith caught sight of the plastic surgeon walking by. She pushed away from the desk and called out, "Sloan!"

Mark stopped and shot her an amused look. "Dr. Grey-Shepherd, not the most professional way to speak to an attending..."

"Then tell me, how is spreading rumours about a resident appropriate?" She demanded. She felt Derek's hand on her arm as he appeared beside her, clearly ready to calm her down if he needed to.

Mark grinned. "That reached you already? I love this hospital. I only said something this morning."

Meredith felt the same surge of anger she had felt in the first weeks of her internship when she had ended up pinning Alex to the lockers and Derek had had to pull her off him before she pummelled him. Mark had, for some reason that escaped her, done something thoughtless, and she had been hurt by the result, and he didn't seem to freaking care. In fact, he appeared gleeful at her reaction.

She exhaled, trying to keep her cool. "What the hell gives you the right to make up rumours about other people? Is your life really so pathetic that that's the only way you can get people to talk to you?" She remembered his tone that morning when he had admitted to the nurses hating him and having not ever done anything for the other doctors. She had felt sympathy at the time, but now she was pissed, and was not above using it against him. "The nurses won't talk to you so you lie for a minute or two of attention? Really? People say all sorts of bad things about you, and I've always thought in the back of my mind that you're actually a decent human being, but I guess I was wrong."

Mark's grin fell away. Hurt shot across his face before he could mask it, but Meredith refused to let herself feel bad about causing it.

"Seriously, what the hell is your problem? I've spent all day trying to help a kid that came to _you _for help, but that you couldn't help because you're a jackass and everyone hates you. And you turn on me?"

"That's not what it..." He trailed off. "It had nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me? You spread a rumour _about_ me."

"And Derek. It was to get back at Derek."

Meredith glanced at her husband and then back at Mark. "What? What could you possibly have to get back at Derek for? For sleeping with your wife? Oh, wait, that was the other way around," she said dryly.

Mark swallowed hard as her comment hit home. "I was just trying to... He set me up with the kid, so I wanted to get him back."

Meredith turned to Derek, who glanced uncertainly between the two of them. "Why don't we go somewhere more private," he suggested, guiding Meredith out of the open and into a conference room. Mark trailed behind them.

Once the door was shut, Meredith crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the plastic surgeon.

Derek's hand landed on her back. "I paid that kid twenty bucks to pretend Mark was his father," he explained.

"What?"

"The kid that you're helping. When I took him to see Mark, I paid him twenty bucks to pretend he was looking for Mark because Mark was his father." He glanced at Mark and then back to Meredith. "I didn't think retaliation would be...this."

"I was just going for the same theme," Mark added.

"How long did you think the kid could be yours?" She asked.

"Uh," Mark hesitated, "A few seconds."

"And did Derek tell the entire hospital that the kid was yours?"

"No."

"So, you had a scare for a few seconds and no one else knows about it."

Mark hesitated, but nodded after a moment.

"Then you're right, it is the same," she said sarcastically.

"It's really not a big deal," Mark said. "It's just a rumour. I'll blow over in a few days."

"You're a jackass," she hissed. "It's not _just a rumour_. Do you have any idea what people are saying? There are people who think that's why we got married. Do you really think that's not a big deal? Do you think it's okay that people think the only reason someone would marry me would be if they knocked me up?"

"Hey," Derek spoke up immediately, squeezing her forearm. "No one thinks that."

She shook her head. "They do," she said quietly. "There's a bet. They think we're ashamed and trying to hide it as long as we can and that when I give birth we're just going to say the kid was early."

Derek swore under his breath. "Well, it's not true."

She turned her attention back to Mark. "You want to play some stupid practical joke on Derek, fine, but think it through. And if you involve me again, I'm filing a complaint with HR."

Mark nodded.

"And you're going to fix this. I don't care if you have to call every single person who works here and explain the situation, but you're going to fix it, before it gets even more out of hand."

"I'll start right away."

"And be quick, because we're giving that kid ears at six."

Mark started. "You pulled it off?"

She nodded. "It's amazing what you can do when you don't treat the rest of the hospital like they're beneath you."

"You're right," he agreed. "I'm going to...change that."

"Ryan's getting his mom to sign forms. He's going to bring her up and page us when she's off work. She's probably going to want you to go over the procedure. Bailey's in surgery until four thirty, but she's agreed to be the general surgeon."

"I'll make myself available," he said quickly, before adding, "I'm impressed. I really didn't think you could pull this off, especially at such short notice."

"It was for a good cause. People recognize that."

Mark hesitated, before sighing. "I'm sorry."

"Whatever. Just fix it."

Mark nodded and quickly let himself out of the room.

"Mer," Derek whispered once they were alone.

She shook her head.

"I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

He sighed and pulled her into a comfortable hug. "If I hadn't tricked him this morning, he wouldn't have retaliated."

"Well, you're a bit of an idiot for doing that," she admitted, "But he crossed a line."

Derek chuckled at the first half of her comment. "He did cross a line. He's never been good at...foreseeing the consequences of his actions."

She pressed her face into his shoulder and inhaled.

"Do you really believe that people think you're pregnant and we're ashamed of it?"

"You would too if you'd dealt with all the crap all day."

He hugged her tighter. "I don't know what people are saying, but you know the truth."

"I know. I just...I didn't realize what people thought of me; of _us_."

"I'm sure it's not that bad."

"They think we had a shotgun wedding. They think you only married me because I was pregnant."

"And what about the year leading up to us getting married? Why do they think I was with you then?"

She shrugged. "You were hurt and on your way out of a marriage. And I was...there."

"Hey," he said sharply. "That is so not..." He trailed off and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I love you so much, Meredith."

"I know. I just... I always knew there were some people who disapproved because I was an intern and you were an attending. But I thought it would get better with time. I'm a junior resident now. I thought... I thought it was getting better. I didn't realize it wasn't just the intern thing."

"Meredith..."

She raised her head to meet his eyes. "There are a lot of people who think there's only one reason we're together, and I'm certain not a single one of them is thinking 'she could do better.'"

"I think that," he spoke up, meeting her eyes with a soft smile.

"Derek..."

"It's true," he insisted. "I think you could do so much better than me, Mer. Every day I feel lucky to have you."

She smiled at his attempt to make her feel better. "Thank you."

He kissed her. "Ignore what people say or may be thinking. We know the truth. Our friends and family know the truth. And in fifty years, when we're just as happy as we are now, everyone else will know as well."

A wave of calm washed over her. He had this innate ability to make things _better_, and even though she didn't always understand how he did it, she was grateful. Maybe the people with nothing better to do than gossip about others believed some things that weren't true, but Meredith and Derek knew the truth. And Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex knew the truth. And Lexie, probably. And despite his idiocy and jackass-ness, so did Mark.

"I love you," she told him.

He smiled and pressed his lips to hers. "I love you, too." He kissed her again. "Now, let's get through the day. You can give a boy some ears. And then we'll go home together. How does that sound?"

She smiled. "That sounds perfect."

"Good." He paused. "I'm sorry about Mark."

"It's not your fault. And I know he didn't mean for it to go this far. I just..." She sighed. "I was just surprised, I guess. I thought people knew by now..."

"Most do," he assured. "People just like scandal. And keep in mind, our jobs are interesting, but I'm sure some aren't. People need to amuse themselves somehow."

"Still...I wish they'd just leave us alone."

He smirked. "It could have one upside."

"And what's that?"

He pecked her lips. "When we do get pregnant, we can place our own bets and make a killing."

She swatted at him, but couldn't contain her laughter.

He laughed as well. It felt nice, to laugh together with her husband after the frustration of her day. She hooked her arms loosely around his abdomen, gifting herself with one more minute of peace before she would have to return to her patients.

Derek hummed as she settled against him and then rubbed her back with his warm palms. "Did you knew it was Halloween today?"

She shook her head. "Not until I got here. Kind of lost track of the date."

"Me too. And it's too bad. We could have dressed up."

She giggled.

"What? We could have. Some people did."

"You mean Cristina's interns? She tricked them into it."

"More than just them."

"I'm not dressing up, Derek," she said dryly.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. His were sparkling with humour. "Next year," he urged, "We could do a couple's theme costume."

Meredith stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled back she whispered, "Not a chance."

"Come on," he insisted. "We could think of something surgically themed."

She rolled her eyes, but played along, knowing he was joking with her. "Like a scalpel and a clamp?"

"Or a brain."

"A brain? How would we possible dress up like a brain?"

"I'll be the left hemisphere, you be the right."

She laughed out loud at the mental image. "Why do you get to be the left?"

"I'm the logical one," he deadpanned.

She laughed again and pulled out of his arms.

"Where are you going?"

She pecked his lips. "I need a hemispherectomy," she called as she left the room.

"That hurts, Mer," he called jokingly after her.

* * *

Ryan's surgery started promptly at six. Mark, clearly uncomfortable in her presence, was nothing but polite as he lead the surgery, thanking everyone for their help several times and doing his best to allow Meredith to observe and assist without actually speaking directly _to_ her. Bailey, someone who misses nothing, clearly noticed the plastic surgeon's strange behaviour, but didn't comment. She did her part, and then stuck around to watch the end result.

Mark was just finishing the last sutures when Meredith headed for the scrub room to scrub out. She wanted to accompany Ryan to recovery before she went home.

She had just ripped off her gloves and stepped up to the sink when the scrub room door opened.

"Good surgery," Bailey commented.

Meredith offered her superior a nod and a smile. "It was."

"It was a good thing you did for that boy. His life will never be the same."

"He deserved it."

Bailey made a 'tutting' sound as she joined Meredith at the sink. "Grey, you need to learn to take a compliment."

Meredith sighed. "Sorry. I'm having kind of a bad day."

"Does that have anything to do with the rumours that you're pregnant and then Mark Sloan taking me aside before surgery to tell me you are not pregnant and that he caused the whole misunderstanding?"

"I..." She trailed off. What was she supposed to say? "Yeah...I guess."

"Care to tell me how that little misunderstanding took place?"

She scrubbed harder at her hands. "Derek played some stupid, small joke on Mark, and Mark's reaction was to tell the entire hospital that I was pregnant."

"And people took it too far."

Nothing got past Bailey. "Yeah," Meredith admitted. "They've been saying...things."

"You haven't had it easy, but you made the choices that have led to where you are now." Bailey said. "An intern and an attending..." She shook her head, "Not an easy start. Rarely attempted, and even more rarely succeeded at." Definitely a reference to Cristina and Burke's failed attempt. "And now that you're a resident, you're still dealing with the fact that you've got a personal relationship with an attending that no other resident has. Add that to your parentage, and now you've got two famous last names to carry for the rest of your life."

Meredith inhaled and then slowly exhaled, reining in her temper. "Dr. Bailey, no offense, but my personal choices are exactly that. Mine. I've never used _either_ of my last names to get ahead. And I'm definitely not with Derek to get ahead. I love him, and I'll deal with the consequences that causes."

To her surprise, Bailey smiled. "That's the surgeon I know."

"What?"

"Stop moping over hospital gossip and remember who you are."

"Who I am?" She echoed.

"You are a resident at one of the top teaching hospitals in the country. And you were_ my_ intern, so you're one of the best residents in the program. When I first found out about you and Shepherd I was angry at you and I did everything I could to challenge you, but you never backed down. That's when I knew how strong you were."

Meredith stopped scrubbing her hands and turned to stare at her mentor.

"You've had to overcome a lot of misconceptions to get where you are. So hold your head high, Grey. Don't let this get to you. Don't mope over hospital gossip. You're better than that."

"Okay," she said quietly, unable to come up with more words. She could barely remember Bailey being _nice_ to her before, let alone giving her compliments.

Bailey finished scrubbing her hands as well and turned for some paper towel. She passed a sheet to Meredith when she turned back. "Do you know what I thought when I heard the rumour?"

Meredith shook her head.

"I thought 'good for them.' I saw a strong, happy couple who were going to have a baby. I never thought it was a factor to you getting married." She smirked, "Plus, if you could be that far along and still be that skinny, I might have to do something about that."

Meredith laughed, but sobered quickly. "Thank you, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey nodded. "You're doing well in the program. You just need to learn to ignore all of that," she motioned towards the hallway in an attempt to refer to the hospital as a whole.

"I'll try."

"You're a surgeon, Grey. Surgeons don't try, they do."

She smiled. "Okay, then I will learn to ignore them."

"Good."

"And, really, thank you. It means a lot that you would say these things. I kind of thought, after this morning, that you disapproved of me taking so much time off."

"You worked for that time off."

"Then why-"

"Because I would punish _any_ resident who took _any_ vacation time off in their residency."

Meredith smiled in understanding. "Thank you for treating me like everyone else."

Bailey smiled. "My pleasure." She hesitated before continuing, "You seem happy, Grey. I'm not used to it, but I'm glad to see it."

"Me too. It's...nice." She hesitated, but thought if Bailey could continue with something personal, so could she. "You were the reason," she said quietly, "That I knew it was possible...to do more than just be a surgeon...like my mother."

Bailey took a breath. "It takes a lot of work, Grey. Don't ever forget that."

* * *

An hour later, Meredith was sitting at Ryan's bedside, making notes in his chart to document his recovery. He'd woken from the anaesthesia briefly, and she was confident he would suffer no ill effects from the surgery.

Footsteps at the doorway caught her attention, and she looked up to see Mark ushering Ryan's mother into the room.

"Here he is," Mark announced. "Like I said, he did great in the surgery. The ears should heal with only very minimal scarring, shouldn't be noticeable at all."

"Thank you so much, Dr. Sloan," she said, gratefully, as she approached her son's bedside and took his hand.

Mark shot an anxious glance towards Meredith before responding. "It's like I said, the thanks is owed to Dr. Grey. She made this happen."

Ryan's mother turned her attention to Meredith. "Thank you."

Meredith offered her a soft smile. "He's a good kid."

"He is," she said with a nod, staring lovingly at her son.

Meredith passed off the chart to Mark and went to leave the room, but his footsteps followed her out.

"Meredith," he called softly.

She paused, trying to decide whether she should bother chastising him for using her first name.

"I'm sorry." The integrity in her tone caught her by surprise and she turned to face him. "Everything you said to me was true." He offered her a wry smile, "Harsh, but true."

"I'm sorry that it was so harsh. I was upset and-"

"I deserved it," Mark said with a wave of his hand. "I was trying to get back at Derek, but I didn't think." He paused. "I'm going to fix this. I promise."

He was extending an olive branch. She recognized that, and felt the urge to do so herself. "You don't actually have to call every single member of the hospital staff..."

He offered her a smile. "Maybe not, but I will make sure they all know the truth."

"Thank you."

"I really am sorry. You're Derek's wife, and Derek..." He trailed off with a sigh. "Derek was the only family I had for a long time. I'm trying to make up for a lot more than one rumour here, so you have to know that I would never had said a thing if I'd have known the result would be this."

"I'm not going to tell him to stop being your friend," she said. "I'm not that kind of wife."

"No, but Derek would make that decision all on his own if he thought he needed to." Mark glanced around, as if checking to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. "He's different with you than he ever was with Addison. I've known him practically my whole life and I've never seen him like he is with you with anyone else. If he thought being my friend would upset you, he'd cut ties without hesitating."

Meredith surveyed him for a long moment. Part of her wanted to correct him, to say Derek wouldn't do that, but another part of her agreed. Derek let her be independent. He rarely stepped into her interactions if she was having trouble, but he'd definitely be impulsive with his own if he thought it would help her.

Eventually she nodded, telling Mark she understood what he was trying to say. "I'll make sure he knows I don't want him to stop being your friend. Just don't give him any reasons to think that." She paused. "And maybe, after you've fixed the mess you caused, we can have you over for dinner or something, to see the new place?"

Mark smiled. "I'd like that."

With a nod, Meredith turned her attention back to Ryan. His mother was sitting gently on the side of the hospital bed, stroking his hair. "I'll have my intern monitor him over night."

"Okay," Mark responded. "I don't expect any problems." He paused. "It was a good thing you did today, for the kid. I'm surprised you pulled it off so easily."

Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "I'm a little surprised myself, actually, especially considering the fact that it was my first time trick-or-treating."

"Your first time?"

She shrugged. "Do you think Ellis Grey had time to take me? She never even got it together to make a costume." She shook her head, "Plus, she said it was rude to knock on peoples' doors and ask for food."

Mark expelled a dry laugh. "Sounds like my parents. Unfortunately, I've never been able to get past that, but you..." He trailed off and offered her an encouraging smile, "The apple fell pretty far from the tree, huh?"

Surprised by his words, she took a moment to respond. Ellis definitely wouldn't have wasted a day putting together a pro bono surgery for a kid, especially when she wouldn't get the credit for doing it. But Meredith knew it was important. Ellis also wouldn't have taken time off to travel across the country with Thatcher to see his family. And she wouldn't have wanted to spend any time painting with Thatcher, or working together to move into a new home. Meredith was doing things her mother would never have dreamed of. Good things. Worthwhile things.

"Yeah," she said eventually, "I guess it did."


	116. Chapter 116

_**AN: A little shorter than usual, though I'm trying to figure out how 5k words has become short... Maybe if I can keep the chapters shorter like this, I can update more often. This chapter revolves around epi 4.11 Lay Your Hands On Me, and because I've used some dialogue I want to remind everyone reading that I am simply borrowing from the show for non-profit entertainment purposes. A reminder about the episode, it's the one where Tucker (junior) gets hurts. He's going to be fine, just as he was in the show, so I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on his condition and focus on Meredith. She's having some trouble, but she's going to figure things out.**_

_**On another note, I checked the original posting date for the first chapter of this story and it's been exactly FOUR YEARS today. Four years! On one hand I can't believe it's been that long, and on the other I can't believe I'm only in the middle of season four...lol.**_

* * *

"I _love_ my new room," Izzie practically gushed as she set her lunch tray on the table next to Meredith's and then dropped into the chair next to Meredith. "Thank you," she added, hooking her arm around Meredith in a half hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're so my favourite person right now."

"I'm glad you like it," Meredith said humorously as she set the forkful of salad she'd had half way to her mouth back onto the plate to make room for Izzie's arm. After she and Derek had had the better part of the last week off to move, they'd worked Friday and Saturday, and then Sunday morning cleared their remaining belongings from the house and given Izzie the all clear to move rooms. Meredith had been off Monday as well, and then Izzie on Tuesday, so they hadn't seen each other until now, Wednesday.

"It's so much bigger," Izzie continued, "And there's more closet space! And I don't have to share the bathroom with any stupid boys."

Alex huffed at her comment. "Well, I'm just glad I don't have to deal with all your girly crap in my bathroom anymore."

"Our bathroom," George corrected, having moved into Izzie's old room.

"Don't remind me."

Meredith smiled at the interaction. "I hope you three are happy together."

"You mean you hope they don't kill each other," Cristina corrected.

"Pretty much," Meredith agreed with a smirk. She finally took her bite of salad. After over a year together, and numerous shared meals, salad had become a common lunch for her. Derek's influence. And as much as she wanted to deny it, she had come to enjoy them.

"How is it living with just Derek?" Izzie asked.

"It's...really nice," she said honestly. For almost a week now she had fallen asleep and woken up next to Derek in a room that had only ever been there's. They'd shared meals and moments in rooms that Meredith didn't have a single bad memory in. There wasn't a single square inch of the condo that Meredith could associate with her childhood, and there had never been a drop of blood on the kitchen floor.

Alex snorted. "_Nice_," he echoed her choice of words. "I'll bet you don't even bother wearing clothes."

"_Alex_," Izzie chastised.

"What?" He retorted. "It's Mer and Shepherd. We were all thinking it."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "We're not that bad."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Do you really believe that? Do you really think we couldn't hear you? Or that we didn't find your clothes all over the house?"

Meredith felt her cheeks heat. She could recall a number of times where she hadn't been able to find a shirt or a bra. Or her underwear. When they'd turned up in the laundry room, she'd always assumed it had been Derek. "What's your point?"

Alex smirked. "That you're probably enjoying your alone time."

"And what's wrong with that?" It's not like what he was saying wasn't true. They'd had a healthy sex life before they'd gotten married, and now they were newlyweds. It was expected.

"Nothing. It's like I've said before; embrace it."

Meredith glanced at the rest of the table, hoping someone would change the subject.

Cristina spoke up. "Have you finished christening all the rooms yet?"

Meredith shot her best friend a glare to tell her she wasn't helping.

Cristina shrugged in response to tell Meredith she knew she wasn't helping and that that was the point.

"I'm not answering that."

Cristina smirked. "That means yes."

Meredith fought not to give away anything more with her expression. Sunday and Monday had basically been a room-christening marathon. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Leave Meredith alone," Izzie spoke up, shooting glares at both Alex and Cristina on Meredith's behalf. "She's our friend and we need to be nice to her."

Alex snorted. "You're just sucking up because she gave you the good room."

Izzie shot him a second glare before turning her attention back to Meredith. "Really, how are you liking it just being the two of you?"

Meredith felt a smile take over her lips as she thought of the quiet mornings they'd already shared; no fighting over coffee or space at the table. She thought of relaxing out on the balcony and curling up together on the couch. She thought of not having the worry about walking around less than fully clothed or of using all the hot water while they shared a shower. She thought of making plans for decorating. For dinner. For their free time. "I wasn't sure how I'd react to the change," she admitted, "But I feel..." She shook her head, trying to find the words to explain the relief she had been feeling since the move. "I know that we've been married for four months, but nothing really changed. Now I feel like we're _married_ married. Like it's really real. Like I can really do this."

"Of course you can do it," Izzie said.

Meredith smiled at her confidence. "You forget that you grew up wanting it. I didn't. And I kind of fell into it."

"But you love Derek."

"I do," she agreed, furrowing her brow as she again fought for the right words to make Izzie understand. "I really do, and I want this now. It's just something new to want. And it took a while before I knew I could do it." It was no secret Derek had been much surer and more confident much earlier than her. She remembered him telling her he would have taken her home to meet his family before Christmas. It wasn't scary now, but at the time she wouldn't have been able to do it. "And before we moved I wondered if it would be a big change for me." She shrugged. "I've always had you guys as a buffer and I didn't know what it would be like to not have that buffer."

"And?"

"And there's no issue." She smiled. "I don't need the buffer." It felt nice to be so confident. In herself. In her marriage. In her abilities.

Izzie nodded, but then smirked. "I miss you as my buffer with Alex."

Meredith laughed, even as Alex threw a fry at Izzie in response.

Picking up the fry, Izzie tossed it back at Alex before turning her attention back to Meredith. "When do you want your reception and house warming party?"

"Seriously, Iz? We move in less than a week ago."

"And got married four months ago. That's a long time to wait."

"But-"

"You went off and got married without us," Izzie cut her off. "And when you got back you said you'd have a combined reception and house warming party once you moved. And you told me I could be in charge."

Memories of Izzie wanting to do something for them after their wedding and then wanting to do whatever she could to help them move floated through Meredith's mind. Izzie always wanted to help in any way she could. It was both endearing and annoying at the same time. There was no way the basket of muffins she'd had ready for Meredith and Derek Sunday morning would be enough for her.

Two months earlier, in the middle of thirty-six hour shift, Meredith had complained to Izzie about her unsuccessful house search. She and Derek had been looking for a month, but hadn't found anything. Meredith was frustrated and Izzie had offered a sympathetic ear. She'd told Izzie that she and Derek had discussed having a mini-reception/housewarming party once they found a place to live. Izzie's enthusiasm had brightened Meredith's mood and led to her promising Izzie she could do the planning as her present.

It had seemed like a good idea at two in the morning after being at the hospital since six the previous morning.

"Come on, Meredith," Izzie prompted. "You're married. And happy. And have a new home that I hear is beautiful but haven't seen yet because I haven't been invited over."

"Very passive aggressive," Alex spoke up.

Izzie glared at him, but continued to address Meredith. "You've got what we all want. Don't you want to celebrate that?"

"Speak for yourself," Cristina spoke up. "I definitely do _not_ want McDreamy."

"Me neither," Alex said quickly.

"Or me," George added.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "You people are horrible. I didn't mean Derek. I meant...everything. She's happy. She found _the guy_; the person she's going to spend the rest of her life with. She knows what her future will be like. Don't you people want that?"

George nodded, but quickly stopped and offered a nonchalant shrug once he realized he was the only one offering such an enthusiastic response. Cristina turned her attention downward to the textbook lying open on the table before her, allowing her long hair to block most of her face. Alex huffed and started to roll his eyes, but caught Izzie's gaze and stopped. They stared at each other for a moment before he looked away and cleared his throat.

Izzie furrowed her brow and then looked back to Meredith. "You have to have a party to flaunt what you have so we can be both happy for you and insanely jealous that you've got your life figured out and we haven't."

"I'll talk to Derek about dates," she relented, "But I don't know if we'll be up for something right away, though. It's been a really busy month."

Izzie's expression fell at her words, and Meredith immediately felt guilty. The blonde's earlier joke that she hadn't been invited over came back to her. "But maybe you guys could come over soon? Saturday after work? We could order pizza. Have some drinks."

"Like a planning party," Izzie said brightly.

"Or just dinner and drinks," Meredith said with a laugh. "One step at a time here."

Izzie nodded. "Okay. Big party sometime soon, and dinner and drinks on Saturday."

Meredith nodded. "It should give me enough time to finish a few projects. We're moved in, but there are still so many things we need to do. We've got like two pictures on the wall. And only one set of sheets. We don't even have bedding for the guest room. And we still need-"

"Dude, you've become a housewife."

Meredith picked a cherry tomato from her salad and tossed it at Alex. He ducked, but didn't move fast enough and it clipped him on the side of the head. He swiped a fry off of his plate and threatened to throw it at Meredith in retaliation, but he was interrupted by the sound of several pagers going off at once.

All five residents reached for their pagers at once.

Meredith frowned down at the message she was receiving. She looked up and met four equally concerned faces. "It's Bailey."

* * *

The happy, confident, upbeat mood Meredith had had at lunch fell away the moment she had set foot in the ER to the sound of a screaming toddler and the sight of her Chief Resident frantically trying to care for her own child.

Having pushed through the ER doors first, the charge nurse handed her the chart. "The ER resident is in with a trauma."

"What happened?" She asked as her fellow residents rushed past her to assist with Tucker.

"Her husband brought him in. Apparently he was trapped under a bookcase."

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. "Okay, we need to page the Chief, Torres and Shepherd."

"I already did." The nurse paused. "I paged everyone. It's...Dr. Bailey's baby."

Meredith nodded, forcing herself into doctor mode as she entered the trauma room and started taking stats. Bailey refused to back away, but allowed her former interns to help. George attempted to move her back, but only once.

Meredith notated Tucker's stats and assessments as her fellow interns called them out to her. She turned to the nurse that had followed her into the trauma room. "Let's get a portable x-ray in here. And call up to CT and let them know we'll probably be coming up." She paused. "Tell them it's for Dr. Bailey."

"Of course, Dr. Grey-Shepherd."

Callie arrived first, followed quickly by Derek. Meredith rattled off the case. Derek went straight to Tucker's side and began his assessment. Callie took the chart from Meredith and read over the notes she had made. "Any swelling or bruising?"

"Some on his chest," Meredith responded. "And his abdomen seems to be tender, too." It was harder to tell in a small child. Tucker wasn't old enough to use words to explain how he felt and what hurt. He also hadn't stopped crying since he'd been brought in. "No bruising or swelling in his limbs."

Callie passed the chart back to Meredith. "Let's order a portable x-ray and call up to CT-"

"Done and done."

Callie nodded. "Good work." She moved quickly to help with Tucker.

Meredith glanced at the number of people swarming around the small, scared child on the gurney. She wanted to say something, but quickly closed her mouth. It was Bailey's baby. Everyone wanted to help. She glanced at Bailey's husband, who stood tensely in the corner of the room, his son's small shirt clutched in his hand and a horrified look on his face. "We're doing everything we can," Meredith told him, hoping it would offer some comfort. "He's in the best place he can be."

Tucker senior nodded at her, but Meredith wasn't convinced he had heard a word she said. Still, she offered him a small smile, hoping it would instil some confidence.

A moment later, the Chief rushed into the room. "What the hell happened?"

Meredith winced at his volume. She handed him the chart as she quietly explained the situation and Tucker's assessment so far. "We're waiting on portable x-ray and we've already called CT," she added.

The Chief nodded and passed her back the chart. He tried to approach Tucker, but was blocked by the number of doctors huddled around the young patient, all frantically assessing and calling out their results.

"Okay, everyone stop for a moment," he demanded. "Too many hands. You four," he motioned to the junior residents, "Back off. I know you want to help, but too many hands will only cause problems. Step out and we'll update you when we can." He began palpating Tucker's abdomen. "Dr. Bailey-"

"This is my child. I'm not going anywhere."

Richard sighed, but said nothing more. "Just try and keep him calm." He turned to Derek. "How does he look?"

Derek was quietly shushing the terrified toddler as he checked Tucker's pupils with his penlight. "Pupils look good," he announced, stroking Tucker's forehead as he pulled his penlight away from Tucker's eyes. "All four limbs are moving. There don't appear to be any neurological issues."

"Torres?" Richard asked.

Callie made a face as she struggled to assess four flailing limbs. "Limbs seem to be okay. I'll need x-ray to assess his chest, but I'm thinking multiple rib fractures."

"X-ray is here," Meredith announced, spotting the nurse pushing the machine through the doorway.

"Good." He looked to Meredith. "He's got decreased breath sounds on his left side and his abdomen is rigid."

Meredith nodded in understanding and turned to use the phone to call up to CT to confirm they would be on their way up.

"What does that mean?" Tucker asked, still standing in the corner, wringing his son's shirt between his hands.

"It means there could be some internal injuries," Richard answered.

"What kind of injuries?"

"Tucker, we don't have time for this," Bailey cut in before Richard could respond.

Meredith felt her heart tug at the obvious fear in Bailey's tone, but quickly shoved the feeling away. She needed to stay in doctor mode. The CT desk picked up. Meredith announced that Tucker would be on his way up shortly and asked how soon a machine would be available. The CT nurse who answered the phone left her on hold as she went to check on the availability.

"This is why we put the baby gate in the living room," Bailey was saying.

"The gate was open," Tucker responded.

"You left the gate open?"

"No. I didn't."

"Are you trying to say _I_ left the gate open?"

"Accidents happen," Richard said, trying to ease the comfort between the tense couple. Unfortunately, his effort didn't make any difference.

"Not if you take the time to bolt the bookshelves to the wall," Bailey responded.

"I can't baby proof every inch of that apartment _and_ watch him at the same time," Tucker fought back.

"If you had watched him, we wouldn't be here right now," Bailey retorted, raising her voice.

The CT nurse came back on the line. Meredith nodded and thanked her before hanging up the phone. "CT is available now," she announced to the room. Bailey and Tucker fell silent, their fight on hold.

* * *

For the first time, Meredith wished she wasn't a doctor. She wished she wasn't so highly trained that she couldn't not see the extensive damage on Tucker's CT results. The multiple rib fractures. The partially collapsed lung. The diaphragmatic hernia. The fact that she couldn't even see his heart because his stomach and colon were in his chest. The injury to his thoracic aorta. The high risk of infection he was facing.

She sighed, remembering how broken Bailey had looked through the viewing window during Tucker's CT. She and her husband had fought again. She had called Tucker senior on thinking she was a bad wife and mother. He hadn't responded. "Can you imagine how horrible this must be for her?" She half asked to Cristina and Izzie, and half announced out loud to herself.

"This is why people should not have kids," Cristina said flatly.

Meredith felt her chest tighten at her best friend's words. She had a point. Meredith couldn't imagine having children and then watching them be in pain. Seeing them sick or injured. Hoping and praying for them to not die.

To a point, some things couldn't be helped. Meredith treated children who'd been in car accidents with their parents. And things like black ice and drunk drivers couldn't always be avoided. She treated children who had cancer or MS or some other disease that couldn't be prevented. She viewed these cases as unavoidable. She treated children who needed appendectomies or fell and broke their arm on the playground. She viewed these cases as part of having kids. She'd never considered...this.

Children who pulled some piece of furniture onto themselves were, unfortunately, relatively common. She'd seen quite a few cases. But she'd always felt sorry for the child and placed the blame on the parents. She'd always told herself, in the back of her mind, that the parents had screwed up and that she would never be that kind of parent. That _her_ kids would never suffer from any unavoidable injury.

But it had happened to Dr. Bailey's baby. And Bailey was superwoman to Meredith. Bailey was an amazing surgeon, a devoted mother and a loving wife. Or, at least Meredith had thought she was. She had been, she knew. She remembered Bailey after Tucker was born and Tucker senior was recovering from a craniotomy. Bailey had been the picture of confidence and concern. She had spent hours by her husband's bedside, clutching her brand new baby boy. She'd appeared self-assured and ready to be a mom and grateful for her family. Meredith had still be recovering from her own trauma from the day Tucker was born, but despite her bruised ribs, headache and inability to rid her mind of the image of two men disappearing into a cloud of pink mist in front of her, she had recognized the strength Bailey had as a wife and mother. It had made Meredith turn more to Derek, had made her more confident that it could _all_ be done.

Bailey had managed what Ellis had not been able to. They'd both succeeded in surgery, but where Ellis failed at home, Bailey had proven it was possible to excel.

But now Meredith doubted the woman who was the basis of her own belief that it was possible to do it all. Bailey's baby had suffered from an injury Meredith would have blamed on the parents had it been any other child. The concept clashed with Meredith's beliefs. And Bailey and her husband hadn't stopped fighting since Tucked had arrived. They fought about the injury and the bookcase and the baby gate. They fought about their duties as parents and kept referring back to previous arguments. Clearly this wasn't just a response to their son's condition. This had become normal behaviour.

Meredith wondered when things had changed. She wondered if they had changed, or had she just seen what she had wanted – had _needed_ – to see, because her role model's personal life appeared to be in shambles.

But Meredith had scrubbed in with her the day before and knew for a fact that her surgical skills were still amazing.

Had Bailey taken the same path as Ellis had?

"What is the matter with you?" Izzie said to Cristina, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. "This is Bailey's baby we're talking about."

"No," Cristina retorted. "It's a trauma case. If we're going to be at all effective in saving that kid's life, it can't be Bailey's baby. It's a blunt trauma case."

Despite her mixed feelings, Meredith knew Cristina was right. Thinking about _Bailey's baby_ was keeping some of her focus from her patient.

"Poor Tucker," she said, allowing one extra moment of sympathy for Bailey's baby. If Bailey was putting her career first and her family second, then Meredith could emphasize with the small child.

"Yeah," Izzie agreed.

Cristina sighed loudly.

"Do you think...I mean..." Meredith took a breath. "How did this happen?"

Izzie, not realizing Meredith's question included more than just today, shook her head. "Accidents happen," she said, echoing the Chief's earlier words.

* * *

On the Chief's orders, Meredith stuck close to Bailey through Tucker's assessment and subsequent surgery. She only left Bailey's side every twenty to thirty minutes to get an update for the frantic mother. Despite the fact that she was still snapping at her husband at every chance, her love and concern for her son was genuine. And strong. At one point Bailey barrelled passed her and fought her way into the OR to see her son. The level of extreme behaviour in such a normally calm and collected woman made Meredith stop and reassess her assessment.

Bailey so clearly loved her son and would do absolutely anything for him.

Would Ellis have been so determined if Meredith had been seriously hurt as a child? Would she have been so concerned? Would she have been so extreme?

Or would she have been the calm, collected, _cold_ woman who had left Meredith with the nurses both before and after her tonsil surgery? Sure, the level of risk was much different, but she hadn't even-

Meredith stopped her thoughts. Bailey was not her mother. Clearly she was having problems at home, but she loved her child. And accidents happened.

Once the surgery was over – successfully – Meredith escorted Bailey and Tucker to see their son in recovery. She watched from the foot of the bed as they approached their son from different sides of the bed. They each took a hand and stroked Tucker's tiny arms. They looked lovingly at their son, their expressions mirror images of love and relief and concern.

They barely glanced at each other, though. They said nothing to one another. Meredith had witnessed innumerable parents seeing their children for the first time after surgery. Normal parents, without surgical careers. They cried and kissed their children and hugged each other in relief. They shared the experience. Even the parents who fought prior to the surgery, who blamed each other, joined together after surgery to share their relief. Meredith waited for that to happen. She waited for them to first assure themselves their son was alive and stable. She waited minutes. And then she waited more minutes. An hour passed.

Tucker was moved from recovery to an ICU room. Meredith followed, her attention on both her young patient and her patient's tense parents.

After settling Tucker in the ICU room, Meredith backed out to give Bailey and her husband privacy with their son. She stared through the glass walls as they stared silently at their son. More time passed. Ten minutes. Twenty. Thirty.

Eventually Bailey whispered something and reached for her husband's hand.

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. The coming together was there. It was just delayed. And maybe they had just waited for privacy-

Her breath of relief was short lived. Tucker pulled his hand away and moved away from his wife. Bailey looked defeated. They both fell silent again, staring at their son.

A warm presence appeared beside Meredith, and she didn't have to look to know who it was.

"How's he doing?" Derek asked quietly, concern lining his voice.

She sighed, allowing herself to lean her shoulder against his. "Still intubated. We won't know anything for a few hours." The fluid in his chest meant he may not be able to breathe on his own for some time.

"Hmm," he murmured, staring through the glass doors at the sight. "Has she stopped blaming herself?"

"I don't think either of them have. Or will," she added.

Derek was silent for a long moment. Then he shifted and pressed his forehead against the side of her head. She felt him release a shuddery breath against her ear.

"When we have kids we're bolting every single piece of furniture to the wall," he whispered. "And covering every electrical outlet. And locking every cupboard door. And using state of the art self-closing baby gates."

Despite the situation, Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "I don't think those exist."

He sighed before pulling his forehead from her and replaced it with his lips. "Well, they should."

"Yeah," she murmured. She continued to stare through the glass walls for a moment before turning and snaking her hands around her husband's waist. It wasn't quiet in the hallway, but in this moment she didn't care how unprofessional this was or who saw it. In this moment she just needed some comfort. "I don't understand how... It's Dr. _Bailey_. I thought she could do it all. I thought she _was_ doing it all. How did..."

Derek closed his arms around her. "Accidents happen," he said, not reading enough into her question to know she wasn't just referring to today's accident.

She sniffed and closed her eyes and allowed herself a moment to just be there with her husband. He was warm and solid against her. He offered _so _much comfort, both through his words and through his actions. He was better than any surgery she'd ever perform. He was better than any award she may one day win. He was better than any position she may one day achieve.

She wouldn't lose this, _him._ She wouldn't focus so much on her career that she lost what was really important. One day they would have kids and her family would be the most important thing in the world to her. And if her child was every hurt or sick she and Derek would go through it _together_.

"Tell me that will never be us," she whispered.

His arms tightened around her. "I'll do everything in my power," he promised. She knew he was still referring to today's accident alone, but it still made her feel better. She would do everything in her power as well. She wouldn't be like her mother; she was determined.

"How's Tuck?" Izzie asked quietly.

Meredith opened her eyes and pulled away from her husband's warm embrace. She hadn't even heard Izzie approach. She cleared her throat. "He had a lot of fluid in his chest. It's going to be a few hours.

Izzie's face fell and she sighed. She turned to face the scene in the ICU room, preparing to wait. Meredith followed suit, and smiled inwardly when Derek's hand closed around hers. They would wait together. George joined them. Then Cristina. And Alex. Callie. The Chief. Lexie. And they waited. They would wait together until Tucker woke up, because he was going to wake up.

She felt Derek's eyes on her as they waited. She squeezed his hand and almost smiled when he squeezed back. The sight on the other side of the glass nearly broke her heart, but it would never be them. She was determined.


	117. Chapter 117

_**AN: I know the last few chapters haven't really seemed to be moving the story forward, but they were laying the basis for part of this chapter, and part of the next few chapters. I firmly believe that the issues Meredith had in the show were not caused by Derek. Yes, he hurt her, and her issues meant it was harder for them to get over what he did to her and it was harder for her to trust him. That being said, those issues still exist in the Where You Belong universe. Some, she's already dealt with (or is dealing with), but some are still there. The difference between the show and this universe, of course, is that Derek has never given her a reason not to trust him in this universe. It brings an interesting dynamic. Meredith's got some fears about the future and she doesn't always think she's strong enough for Derek, but she's also not good at recognizing what she's done for Derek. He's changed a lot in this universe, for the better, because she's accepted him and been there for him.**_

_**I hope you like this chapter. There's a bit of angst, but lots of fluff to make up for it. And up next will be the Resident's Competition, which is already in the works...**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

* * *

_ Loneliness overwhelmed her as she lay in the small hospital bed and cried. Her mother had told her time and again that crying was a sign of weakness and she desperately didn't want to be weak. She didn't want to cry. But her throat hurt so much she couldn't talk; each inhale and exhale was excruciating. She was tired and felt sick. And she was alone._

_ The little girl in the bed next to hers was sucking on a popsicle that her parents had gotten for her. It was her third that day. Meredith had counted. They were separated by a thin hanging sheet, but it wasn't pulled back all the way, so Meredith had been able to watch as the little girl's parents – both a mom __**and**__ a dad – sat and talked and played with her since she had woken up. They brought her toys and games and gifts. And a stuffed animal._

_ Meredith like stuffed animals, but her mother didn't, so she didn't have any anymore. One day, when Meredith was younger, her mother had told Meredith it was time she stopped being a baby. She'd thrown all of Meredith's baby toys away. Meredith had watched as the garbage bag had been filled with her stuffed animals, her dolls and her favourite things. Determined to prove she wasn't a baby to make her mother happy, she hadn't fought it. And when she cried herself to sleep that night, she hadn't told her mother. She didn't want her mother to see how weak she was._

_ She didn't want to be weak now, but she was failing at being strong. Her throat hurt so much and she felt so hot. She wished she had a popsicle like the girl next to her, but she hadn't seen her mother for hours, and even then it had only been for a moment. And it hurt too much to call out to one of the nurses or even the parents of the girl next to her._

_ Meredith sniffed and tried to stop crying, but her failure only made her cry more. She wanted to be strong like her mother wanted her to be. But she was weak. Weak and ordinary._

_ There were people in the hospital who were really, really sick. She knew this because her mother saved them every day. It was why she wasn't home very much. It was a very important job. Her mother made sure she knew that. She told her all the time. And Meredith understood. She understood that it was more important that her mother save other people than be at home with Meredith. And she knew that even though she was in the hospital now, she wasn't the same as the people her mother saved. She wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with her, but she knew she wasn't very sick. And she knew she had to be strong so her mother could help those who were._

_ Meredith had had sore throats a lot. That was why she was here now. A doctor – not her mother because her mother saved more important people – had done something to the back of her throat so that it wouldn't happen anymore. Meredith had wanted to know more, but her mother's name had been called on the hospital intercom when they had walked into the hospital that morning. Her mother had huffed in that way that reminded Meredith how important her job was and took Meredith to the desk that the nurses sat at. She said something to one of the nurses and then left without another word. She had promised before that she would explain to Meredith what was going to happen, but she never did._

_ Meredith had watched her go, but hadn't cried. She didn't cry when she realized her mother hadn't told her what was going on or even that it would be okay. She didn't cry when the nurse hurried her to a part of the hospital Meredith had never been to and left her with another nurse. She hadn't cried when the new nurse had made her change into a gown and then get into one of the beds on wheels Meredith had seen many times. She hadn't cried when she had been wheeled into a bright room and surrounded by doctors and nurses. She hadn't cried when they'd placed something over her nose and mouth and asked her to count to ten._

_ She hadn't cried. She'd been strong. And she really wanted her mother to have seen how strong she had been. She wanted her mother to come and see her and praise her for being strong._

_ Her mother had come to see her earlier. Meredith had woken up afraid and alone. She had hurt a lot. And she had felt sick to her stomach. But she had been too afraid to move. So she had lain in the strange place with bright lights and curtain walls and waited. She counted as far as she could count and then started again. And again. The curtain walls had rustled and Meredith had closed her eyes in fear. Someone had walked close to her. After a minute, Meredith opened her eyes in time to see the back on a nurse walking away from her. Again she had counted. When she recognized her mother approaching her bed, she had been so happy. She was certain her mother would be proud to see how brave and strong she was being._

_ Her mother had paused at the bottom of her bed and reached for the clipboard that was hanging there. She had lifted it and read through the pages. Meredith had watched. Eventually, her mother had returned the clipboard and looked at Meredith. Meredith had successfully fought off tears as she met her mother's eyes. She tried to smile, but it hurt too much. She wanted to know what had been done to her, but it hurt too much to talk._

_ "Meredith," her mother had said. "How are you feeling?"_

_ Meredith would have ignored the pain to talk to talk to her mother, but a nurse came and started speaking to her mother before she could try. They talked for a minute, and then her mother looked at her watch, sighed and left._

_ Meredith hadn't seen her since. She had heard the parents of the girl next to her tell her how much they loved her when she had woken up. It had been the first time she had cried. She knew love was something ordinary people believed in – her mother had told her this – but right then she had wanted to be ordinary if that meant she could be loved. Her mother had never told her._

_ 'Do you want another popsicle, sweetie?' The mother of the little girl next to her asked. 'Or how about some icecream?'_

_ Meredith wished someone would offer her a popsicle or icecream. Or even something cold to drink. Her throat really, really hurt._

_ 'I'm tired, mommy,' the little girl said._

_ Meredith knew the little girl was tired because of the medication she was getting to help with her pain. She knew a lot of medical things like that. She listened to her mother and asked questions because what her mother did was important and she was happy when Meredith knew medical things. She would be happy to know that Meredith knew that. She also knew that she wasn't getting as much medication as the other girl. She had heard her mother tell the nurse not to give her much because she didn't need it. Because she didn't want Meredith to be weak._

_ And Meredith was determined not to be weak. She wiped her face and stopped crying so that when her mother came back, she wouldn't find a weak little girl. She would find a strong Meredith._

_ But her mother didn't come back. Meredith lay in pain for hours waiting. She could see one window across the room. She watched it get dark outside._

_ Her mother was coming to get her, right?_

_ She began to get scared again. She wondered if her mother had forgotten her. The curtains had been closed around her, other than the small opening that let her see the girl next to her. She was sleeping._

_ Meredith wondered if her mother couldn't find her. She tried calling out for help, but her throat was so dry and so painful that she felt herself start to cry again at the attempt._

_ She would have to go and look for her mother._

_ There was a tube beside her that connected to a needle in her arm. She stared at it for a long moment before reaching her shaking hand to remove it. She peeled two layers of tape away from the tube and then pulled the needle out of her arm. It hurt and made her want to cry again, but she didn't. Her arm started to bleed, but she knew what to do. She placed her other hand over the small cut and pressed tightly. It would stop the bleeding. Her mother had taught her that. She had done it to stop a lot more blood when she was younger. Her mother's that time._

_ She shuddered at the memory of the day she wasn't allowed to talk about._

_ After counting to one hundred, she removed her hand from her arm. There was a lot of blood on her arm, but there didn't seem to be any new blood coming out. She wiped her bloody palm on her hospital gown and then carefully got off the bed. She walked out of the room and then into the halls of the hospital. She had spent so much time in the hospital that she knew where her mother did surgery. She went there. _

_ Her mother was there, but wasn't happy to see her. She yelled. "Meredith, what are you doing here? You know not to interrupt me when I'm at work! You are not important enough to be here with me. You are too ordinary. Look at you, Meredith! You're so weak. Are you crying?"_

_ Meredith was still in too much pain to say a word, so she couldn't explain herself._

_ "What were you thinking? Do you ever think? What did I ever do to end up with a little girl like you? This is why you're ordinary. This is why no one will ever love you!"_

_ Meredith blinked, and her perspective changed. Suddenly she was taller than before and she was staring down at a little girl with dark brown curls and green eyes. The little girl was staring up at her with tears streaming down her cheeks. She was dressed in a hospital gown that was too big for her. There was blood covering her left forearm and her right hand. And she looked like...someone familiar. She couldn't place the little girl's face._

_ "I'm sorry, mommy," the little girl cried. "Please love me."_

_ Meredith turned to see who the little girl was talking to, but she turned all the way around and couldn't see anyone else in the room. She turned back to the little girl, who was still staring at Meredith._

_ "I don't want to be ordinary, mommy," the little girl said._

She's talking to me_, Meredith realized. But Meredith wasn't her mother...was she? She couldn't have forgotten she had a daughter...right? And her daughter would never look at her like that or say those things. Her daughter would never have reason to say those things._

_ "Please, mommy," the girl begged. "Please. I need you."_

_ Meredith opened her mouth, but no words came out._

_ The little girl's eyes filled with tears._

_ Meredith wanted to comfort her. She wanted to figure out what was going on._

_ Footsteps echoed behind her. Meredith turned, wondering if the little girl's mother was standing behind her and she had missed her before. Unfortunately, she came face to face with her own mother._

_ "Dr. Grey," Ellis said flatly, coldly, as if she had no personal relationship with Meredith. "You're needed in surgery."_

_ The little girl sobbed. "Please don't leave me. I'll be better."_

_ "Dr. Grey," Ellis said sharply. "You know what's important here. Are you going to be ordinary or not?" She asked, but didn't give Meredith a chance to respond before adding, "Let's go."_

_ Meredith didn't want to go, but she found herself being pulled. She turned her head to look at the little girl before she left the room. The little girl was crying, her eyes trained on the ground. Meredith wanted to go back and hug her and promise her everything was going to be okay. It was what she had wanted desperately when she was a little girl. She had wanted to feel safe and loved. She wanted the little girl to feel that now, but she couldn't turn herself around. She couldn't stop walking away. She couldn't-_

Meredith jolted away, breathing hard. There were tears in her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away; a lasting effect of her childhood. Tears signified weakness. She reached across the bed, seeking comfort, only to find the other side cold and empty. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she rolled across the mattress and settled where her husband normally slept beside her. Pulling the blanket up over her face, she burrowed into the pillow and fought to gain control over her breathing. It wasn't the first time she had been startled awake from this particular nightmare and she doubted it would be the last time.

The beginning so closely mirrored Meredith's eight year old experience of getting her tonsils removed. Meredith had spent almost all of her time alone in the hospital, in pain and wishing that she could be stronger. She had wondered if Ellis had stayed away because of her weakness. No one had brought her popsicles or ice cream or stuffed animals. And she had watched the girl in the bed next to hers, wishing she had the same type of life. Wishing she had two loving parents; wishing she had even one. The memory changed into dream once she tried to find her mother. In actual history, she had removed her own IV line and waited until the bleeding had stopped, but she hadn't made it out of the ward. The nurse had seen her, stopped her and yelled at her.

Meredith had been forced back to the hospital bed with the threat of being restrained. She hadn't been allowed to talk to her mother and she had never gotten a popsicle for her burning throat.

The things Ellis yelled at her in the dream were all things Ellis had said or made her feel rolled into one horrifying speech. But that wasn't the worst part of the dream. The worst part was looking into the eyes of the little girl with curly brown hair – the little girl who looked _so_ much like her husband – and knowing she had done something awful to her. She was pretty sure the girl was supposed to be her daughter.

And that terrified her. She hadn't wanted to leave the little girl crying and begging her to stay, but she had anyway. She hadn't been able to stop herself.

Was it a sign? Would she do to her own daughter what her mother had done to her, despite her determination not to? She didn't know any other way. She'd never experienced any other kind of parenting. Would the pull of surgery be too strong? Would she choose the wrong priorities?

It had been a week and a half since Bailey's baby's accident. Meredith had tried to broach the subject of her sudden fears with Derek several times, but hadn't been able to find the right words to explain. The few times she had managed to start a conversation at all, Derek had thought her focus was on random accidents only, and she hadn't been able to explain any further because he'd been so freaking perfect and comforting. He'd cock his head and look at her in _that_ way and promise they would take every step necessary to keep their future kids safe. And she'd want to say something to explain, but then he'd hug her and his warmth would wash over her and she'd forget how to be afraid for a few minutes. She always forgot how to be afraid in his arms.

And part of her hadn't wanted to explain any further. She and Derek were doing _so_ well right now. They were married and happy and living in this amazing new home. She didn't need to create a problem now. This was just her old insecurities welling up inside her; both her fear of becoming her mother and her worry that she wasn't strong enough for Derek. Sometimes she felt like he always had to be there for her when all she wanted was to feel equal.

The feeling would pass. It had before. She just had to wait until its intensity had decreased, and then she would shove it into the darkest recesses of her mind. And hopefully one day it would just stay there.

Footsteps padded quietly across the hardwood floor towards the bed, pulling Meredith from her thoughts. The bed dipped beside her and then she felt gentle pressure on her back, right between her shoulder blades, as Derek's hand settled against her. Despite the fact that her back and his hand were separated by the fabric of her tee shirt and the comforter, she felt warmed by the contact.

For a moment, he said nothing. His hand moved back and forth between her shoulders. She sighed as she felt all of the tension caused by her dream leave her body. She could fall back to sleep so easily...

"It's four o'clock," he said quietly.

She groaned. Her thirty-six hour shift, which was supposed to have finished the night before, became a forty-eight hour shift when she had been called into emergency surgery on her way out the door. When she had arrived home at nine that morning, she had been completely wiped out. She had cursed her husband for having so much time off compared to her and had demanded he wake her by four. He had chuckled at her grumpiness and asked only for a kiss before she burrowed herself into their bed to sleep into the afternoon.

"Are you going to get up?" He asked, his voice careful and quiet.

"No."

He chuckled. His hand continued to rub her back through the blanket for another moment. Then he pulled his hand away and the bed shifted as he stood. For a moment she thought he was leaving her to sleep longer and would just handle the party by himself. She wouldn't mind that. After Tucker's accident, the residents had postponed dinner and drinks at Meredith's for a week. Unfortunately, it only gave Izzie more time to plan. Meredith was dreading the end result, remembering the last time Izzie had been in charge of a 'small get-together.'

Instead of hearing Derek's footsteps leaving the room, she felt the blanket peeling away from her face. She blinked, and found herself staring into her husband's blue eyes. He was kneeling beside the bed and leaning forward so that he could rest his head on the pillow next to hers. He pulled the blanket back up so it was covering both of their heads. She laughed at the action. There was just enough light filtering through the blanket to make out the features of his face.

"You know, you're on my side," he whispered.

She smiled. "I thought being married meant what's yours is mine?"

He chuckled and stretched a little closer to kiss her.

"Plus, technically, you're on your own side," she pointed out. Yes, she was sprawled on his side of the bed, but there was just enough room left for him to rest his head next to hers.

He smirked, and before she knew it he was rising next to her, pushing against her.

"Derek!" She shrieked through laughter as she found herself skidding across the mattress. She grasped at the fabric of the sheets, but wasn't able to gain any purchase. "What are you doing?"

"Taking back my side," he responded, having gotten his chest and abdomen solidly onto the mattress.

She tried to fight back, but not only was his frame larger than hers, but he had the floor to push off of, whereas she had no leverage.

His foot tangled with hers, and then his other joined.

Suddenly finding herself pressed up against her husband from top to bottom, she giggled and pushed back, only to find herself wrapped tightly in his arms, still face to face on the pillow, only now they were so close their noses were touching. They were still under the blanket.

"I guess we can share my side," he decided.

She laughed. "Apparently."

Derek laughed as well. "I happen to like you on my side."

"I happen to like being on your side," she responded, tiling up her chin to press a chaste kiss to his lips. They were so close that she barely had to shift at all.

He ran his hand up and down her back several times before dipping his hand below the hem of her tee shirt and then back up.

Meredith sighed at the feeling of his palm against her bare back. He traced lazy patterns across her skin, leaving a warm trail of tingling nerve endings behind. Her eyes fluttered shut. She could stay like this forever and be perfectly content.

"We can call and cancel," he whispered. "You can just sleep." The party that hadn't been supposed to be a party was scheduled for five. They were planning on ordering pizza. Izzie had said something about games and scheduling time for planning the 'real' party to serve as both the reception and housewarming. Cristina, Alex and George were coming. And Mark, who Meredith had insisted was okay for Derek to invite after the whole gossip debacle the plastic surgeon had created. Meredith had also invited Lexie, but wasn't sure if she'd show up. They were making progress, but things were still awkward.

"Mmm," she breathed. It would be nice to just sleep. But she had been looking forward to spending time with her friends. After more than two weeks of not living together, she was starting to miss them a little bit. "No, I want to see everyone."

"You realize that that means you have to get up, right?"

She giggled. "Five more minutes."

"What am I, your alarm clock?"

She nodded against the pillow and lifted her hand from his chest to lightly press a finger against the tip of his nose. "I'm hitting snooze," she joked.

Derek's breath was hot against her palm when he laughed. His hand grasped hers and pulled it away so he could kiss her. She smiled against his lips before kissing him back. He was _so_ close. And warm. And smelled like Derek. And the blanket still draped over them meant he was the only thing in the world she had to focus on in this moment. She felt removed from the rest of the world. And that meant she didn't have to think about her dream or her past, or even the part of her future she was suddenly tentative about.

Only the now mattered. Only Derek and the way he made her feel mattered. Safe. Loved. Cherished. Strong.

Extraordinary.

She never felt weak or ordinary in his arms.

Derek moaned into her mouth. She deepened the kiss in response. The hand that had been aimlessly rubbing her back moments ago found her lower back and pulled her snug against him. She ran her foot up and down his hair dusted shins.

When he pulled away, they were both panting.

"I know you're tired," he murmured, pecking her lips, "But do you think we could..."

She smirked. Her exhaustion had been forgotten the moment his lips had touched hers. His body ignited hers. "I don't know," she stated, "We only have an hour..."

"That's more than enough time," he assured, his blue eyes sparkling despite the low light under the blanket. "Plus, we haven't had sex in like sixty hours."

"That's not long for normal people."

He chuckled. "But we're newlyweds."

"True." She pursed her lips, as if debating the merits of his argument. "But I am _awfully_ tired."

He smirked. "How about I promise to do _all_ of the work?" He kissed her again before she could respond. She moaned and rolled onto her back. He didn't allow any space to build between them as he followed the roll, coming to rest over her. His lips left hers, only to trail down to her neck.

"Derek..." She whispered, closing her eyes. Her body was tingling from his touch and she could feel his arousal growing against her. She arched her back and pressed up against him. "We have to be quick."

"I take it that's a yes, then?" He asked, raising his head to meet her eyes. His were still sparkling brightly.

"Like there was ever any doubt," she responded dryly.

He chuckled.

She pulled the hem of his top upwards to his shoulders. He sat up for just long enough to pull it off and toss is across the room. Hers quickly followed suit. He then returned his lips to her neck. His hands started to wander her body in slow, almost lazy passes. Part of her wanted to remind him of the time constraint, but then his lips dipped below her clavicle and she decided her friends could just wait.

* * *

Someone must have talked to Izzie, Meredith mused as she sat back on the couch, between Derek and Cristina, full from the several pieces of pizza she had practically inhaled. With the amount of talk Izzie had done about today, Meredith had half expected something huge and 'Izzie-like,' but the blond was much calmer than expected. She had gone along with just pizza, and she hadn't brought decorations or presents or hats or games or...whatever else Izzie-like people brought to parties.

She was pretty sure Alex was her saviour. When she had come down the stairs after showering and drying her hair, it had been well after five and her friends had already arrived. Derek had had a quick shower and had just pulled on some fresh clothes when they had arrived. He had left Meredith, just getting out of the shower, to get ready while he answered the door. After Izzie had bounded up to her, hugged her and told her, excitedly, how much she _loved_ the new home, and after George had offered the same sentiments in a less-excited version, Alex had offered her a half-hug and reassured her that Izzie would be 'okay' for the evening.

Mark had shown up at six, and Lexie had shown up shortly after. Meredith had been surprised to see her, but glad she had come. Her half-sister had been pretty quiet for the evening so far, but seemed glad to have been invited, so Meredith was taking it as progress.

Despite the forty-eight hour shift that had been followed by far too few hours of sleep, she was enjoying herself. Although she didn't miss a lot of living with her friends – lack of hot water, fighting over the last cup of coffee in the morning, the lack of privacy – she did miss the quiet evenings that occurred when everyone was off work and too tired to do anything other than lounge in the living room. It was nice to catch up outside the hustle of the hospital.

"...and then she started crying and ran out of the room," Cristina finished her most recent story of intern humiliation.

Meredith laughed and elbowed her best friend.

"Interns," Alex said, shaking his head, "The other white meat." He took a swig of the bottle of beer in his hand.

"Alex!" Izzie chastised. They were sharing the short couch, so he was easily within range of her arm as she took a swipe at him.

Alex made a choking noise as she caught him in the abdomen while taking a sip of his beer. He glared at her as he lowered the bottle.

"Be nice!" She hissed, not at all taken aback by his expression, "Lexie is here." She shot a look at the intern sitting alone on one of the chairs.

Alex shrugged. "Whatever." He took another sip of his beer, but Meredith caught sight of a slight smile on his lips.

"Your job is to _teach_ the intern," Izzie continued, looking now to Cristina, "Not to make the cry."

"But it's so much more fun to make them cry," Cristina deadpanned, "And it's _so_ easy."

"I have to agree with Yang," Mark spoke up.

"You're just saying that because they don't know how much of your internship _you_ spent crying," Derek retorted before anyone else could speak.

"That is a lie," Mark argued.

"How about the time you made a mistake with one of O'Neil's patients?"

"I didn't make mistakes."

"Sure you didn't."

Mark glared at him. He surveyed the room of residents with mild contempt. "I didn't make mistakes. And word better not get out at work that I did."

"Yeah, because you're completely against gossip," Alex spoke up. Having given up on ever getting onto Mark's service, he apparently had no qualms in badgering the plastic surgeon.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Alex glanced at Meredith and then back to Mark. "It means you're lucky to have been invited tonight."

Despite Meredith's gratitude at Alex for standing up for her, she cleared her throat. "That's not what tonight is about," she reminded.

"See?" Mark said to Alex. "I'm-"

"An ass who none of us think belongs here," Izzie added, joining Alex in standing up for Meredith.

Mark glanced towards Derek.

"Looking towards your _only_ friend to stand up for you?" Cristina said flatly.

Mark sighed heavily. "I didn't mean to-"

"Be an ass?" George asked.

Meredith felt Derek tense beside her. Their quiet, relaxed evening was quickly getting out of control. And as much as she was grateful to her friends' determination to stand up for her, even to an attending, the last thing she wanted was her husband feeling torn between her and his friend. Mark was his oldest friend, and Derek had gotten over a lot to let Mark get close again. The last thing Meredith wanted to do was keep her husband from the man that was the closest thing he had to a brother._ If he thought being my friend would upset you, he'd cut ties without hesitating, _Mark had said to her the day he had inadvertently hurt her by starting the rumour that she was pregnant, and she believed him. Despite the fact that she would never ask Derek to cut ties, she knew he would if he thought she may want him to.

Patting Derek's knee, Meredith sat forward on the couch and held out her hands. "It's done," she said. "Mark did something stupid, but he didn't mean for it to be what it ended up being. And I appreciate you guys standing up for me, but all I want right now is to have a nice evening with _our_ friends. So, please can we change the subject?" She needed for hers and Derek's people to get along.

Beside her, Cristina shrugged. "So, I was in surgery with Two yesterday and he-"

"No more anti-intern stories!" Izzie demanded. "Seriously."

Derek leaned over and pressed a kiss to Meredith's temple. "Thank you," he whispered.

She smiled and leaned into him, proud of herself for being a good wife in that moment. She had neutralized a problem that could have led to an even more awkward situation.

"What else is there to talk about?" Cristina asked Izzie.

"Anything else, please. It makes me hate myself for being your friend when I hear you gloat about being so mean to them."

"It's the surgical circle of life. We got treated like crap last year."

"Yeah, but..." She trailed off.

Cristina smirked. "See? I rest my case."

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's talk about the real party."

Cristina, Alex and Meredith groaned in unison.

Despite the fact that she had barely spoken ten words since arriving, Lexie spoke up. "What real party?" She asked quietly.

"Meredith and Derek's reception and housewarming party," Izzie explained.

"Reception?"

"Wedding reception," Izzie clarified.

"You haven't had a wedding reception?" Lexie asked, turning her attention to Meredith.

Meredith sighed. "No. And apparently Izzie thinks we need one."

"It's important!" Izzie exclaimed. "You got married. You're happy. Don't you want to celebrate that?"

"Iz, they haven't stopped _celebrating_ that since they got home. Having a party means they have to stay clothed for an evening-" Alex was cut off by Izzie's elbow slamming into his rib cage.

Meredith ignored the heat in her cheeks and turned to Lexie who now looked uncomfortable and afraid to ask anything further. "Derek and I eloped. We went on vacation after I finished my internship and we just decided to get married while we were there."

"They were already engaged," Izzie added. "It wasn't like they did some impulsive thing that they're ashamed of-"

"Iz," Meredith cut her off, "I got this." She bit back a laugh at Izzie's determination to stand up for her. She turned back to Lexie. "Izzie is right. We were engaged, and we were waiting until I was finished my internship to plan a wedding, but then we were on vacation and it was beautiful and it just seemed like the right thing to do." She smiled when she felt Derek squeeze her hand. "And we definitely don't regret a thing."

Lexie offered her a small smile.

"And now Izzie thinks we need a reception."

"Izzie just thinks you need to celebrate," Izzie said.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Please don't start talking in third person again..." She remembered Izzie and Alex speaking in third person for several days during their internship.

"Alex likes it when Izzie speaks in third person," Alex said, smirking at Meredith.

Izzie laughed. "Well, Izzie likes it when Alex speaks in third person."

Meredith covered her face with her free hand. "I need new friends," she muttered.

"Izzie will stop if you agree to some planning..." Izzie tempted.

Meredith sighed. "Fine."

Izzie smiled brightly and reached into the purse that was sitting at her feet. She pulled out a small notebook and a pen. "First, we have to talk venue."

"Venue? Here."

"But-"

"Nope," Meredith said, cutting her off. "It's going to be here." She raised a hand and pointed at Izzie. "And it's going to be small. I mean it, Iz. No more giant parties."

"That was one time."

"Small," Meredith repeated. "You invite the whole hospital again and I'm locking you out."

"Plus, if it's half housewarming party, it should be here," Derek pointed out.

Izzie made a face. "You have a point..."

Meredith smiled and leaned into her husband. "I knew I kept you around for a reason."

Sitting on Meredith's other side, and having heard the comment, Cristina laughed. "If you didn't keep him around, you wouldn't be in this situation."

Meredith laughed. "True."

Derek grumbled something unintelligible under his breath.

"Second, date," Izzie announced.

Meredith shrugged. "We have the weekend off in two weeks."

"Two weeks? That's not enough time to plan this."

"What is there to plan? We order some food, buy some drinks..."

Izzie clucked her tongue to tell Meredith how much she disapproved of her lack of appreciation for 'real' parties. "We won't be just _ordering food_ last minutes. It'll take time to get the right caterer."

"_Caterer_?"

"And we'll need to book music, maybe a DJ," Izzie said, ignoring Meredith's comment.

"_DJ_?"

"And we'll have to figure out decorations, but first we'll need a theme."

"_A theme? Okay, seriously-"_

"And we'll have to all be able to get the time off."

"Are you listening to me at all?"

"Nope." Izzie shook her head as she made notes in her notebook, not even bothering to look up. "Because if I listen to you, the party will be just like tonight."

"And what's wrong with that?"

Izzie sighed and looked up. "It has to be special."

"But-"

"Are you planning on getting married again?"

"No."

"So, you're only going to do this once. You deserve it to be special. I won't go overboard, I promise. But it's going to be special."

"Stevens is right," Mark spoke up. "The reception is the party. At minimum you need good music, dancing and cake."

"Cake?"

"No party is complete without cake."

"Thank you," Izzie said.

Mark smirked. "And speeches. It's not a reception without embarrassing speeches."

Beside her, Derek sighed and leaned close. "I need new friends, too."

Despite the fact that she was being left out of the decisions taking place about her own party, Meredith giggled. "They're not _so_ bad," she relented. "They mean well."

He dropped her hand to snake his arm around her waist. "They do," he agreed.

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "You realize Izzie's version of 'overboard' isn't close to ours, right? The party is going to be big."

"Would that really be so bad?" He whispered. "She's right. We deserve to celebrate."

"Crap," she muttered, "She got to you."

He chuckled. "No, you got to me."

She sighed. "You got to me, too."

Beside them, Cristina huffed. "If I have to sit here and listen to you two, I definitely need another drink." She stood and shuffled towards the kitchen.

Meredith laughed out loud. "Fine," she said to Izzie. "Do your worst."

Izzie beamed. "I was going to anyway, but I'm glad I have your approval."

Derek tightened his arm around her waist. "If it's that bad, we can just escape upstairs and celebrate in our own way," he whispered into her ear.

She smiled. "Agreed."


	118. Resident Competition part 1

_**AN: The resident competition is being split up into 2, maybe 3, parts. I only got to day two in this chapter (the contest is 2 weeks long), but Meredith needed to deal with some feelings before the fun of the contest could really start. I'm cautiously hoping to have the next part(s) up by this weekend.**_

* * *

**Day One**

"You got paged, too?"

Meredith felt her brow furrow as she pushed through the door to the small conference room she had been paged to minutes before. Izzie, Cristina and George already sat around the small table, along with several other residents from their year. She had only arrived at the hospital less than an hour earlier. She hadn't expected to be paged to a conference room, and was even more surprised to find her friends there as well. "Uh, yeah."

"Now I'm getting nervous," Izzie complained. "Why all of us?"

"It's not all of-"

The door opened again, just as Meredith was dropping into a seat between Cristina and George. Alex appeared, his expression immediately turning curious as he took in his fellow residents.

"Okay, it is all of us," George corrected.

"But why is it all of us?" Izzie asked.

Meredith shrugged. "Did we all kill someone recently and can't remember?"

Alex snorted as he collapsed onto the closest chair to the door. "It's probably some resident meeting or something."

"Or a waste of time skills lab," Cristina said with a sigh.

"I heard that, Yang," Bailey declared as she entered the room. "And I'll remind you that nothing I have you do is a waste of time."

"Of course not," Cristina said immediately. "And had I known it was _you _that paged us, I would have known that earlier."

Bailey said nothing out loud in response, though Meredith was pretty sure she heard the older resident mutter, 'kiss-ass' under her breath as she walked to the head of the small table. The residents all sat up straighter, preparing to at the very least appear fully interested in whatever Bailey had to say.

"You are my second year residents," Bailey announced. "You're almost half way through the year. You have gained significant experience and, hopefully, knowledge. It's time to put that to the test."

"Solo surgery time?" Cristina asked brightly.

Bailey shot her former intern a look that clearly said she was out of her mind. "Don't even get me started, Yang."

Cristina sighed and sat back in her chair.

"It's time for a little _friendly_ competition."

Cristina sat forward again, intrigued.

Meredith felt her own interest piqued by Bailey's words.

"And not just any contest. A two-week, surgical contest. Winner takes all." Bailey paused for effect. "This competition will require your complete dedication for two weeks, starting right now. The winner will benefit from the losers. If you choose not to participate, the winner won't have any effect on you. Decide now if you're up for the challenge."

"Dr. Bailey, I don't understand," One of the residents asked. Meredith was pretty sure his name was Dr. Larke. "How will the winner be determined? Will we be judged on skill?"

"I'm afraid you have to agree to participate before you get to know the terms."

"And if we withdraw after we know the terms?" Another resident asked.

"Then you're considered a loser. There's no withdrawing from the contest."

Meredith glanced around the table. There was no way she would let a competition pass her by just because she didn't know the terms. Cristina, she was certain, would compete. So would Alex. And Izzie and George both looked determined.

Bailey pulled a stack on sealed envelopes out of her lab coat pocket. "If you accept this, you're officially entered in the competition." She glanced around the table before holding out the first envelope to Cristina. "Yang, you look like you're about to drool."

Cristina swiped the envelope out of Bailey's hand. "You could just call me the winner now," she stated confidently. "We all know I'm going to win."

Several of the other residents shifted uncomfortably at Cristina's words. It was no secret how good Cristina was. Or how competitive.

Bailey held an envelope out to Meredith. "Grey?"

Meredith took the envelope without hesitation. She was always up for a little competition.

Alex, Izzie and George took envelopes as well, but when Bailey moved down the table, she was met with resistance. Dr. Blakely, the only other female left in their year, glanced worriedly down the table towards Cristina, ignoring the enveloped being held out to her. "Dr. Blakely?" Bailey prompted.

Blakely very slowly turned her attention back to Bailey before shaking her head. "I don't..." She trailed off. "This week really isn't good for me..." She said.

"Are you refusing this envelope?"

She nodded.

Bailey pursed her lips. "Then you can go."

Blakely hurried from the room.

Bailey moved on to her next victim, the one who had wanted to know the terms before agreeing to compete. She held out an envelope. He reached his hand up, but stopped just inches away. His fingers twitched, but then he lowered his hand. "I'm out, too." He stood and left the room.

Bailey turned to the remaining two residents. "If you're out, too, you can go."

They looked at each other, and then they both stood and left the room silently.

Bailey laughed as she turned back to her remaining five residents, clearly prideful that they were all her former interns. "You can open the envelopes."

Meredith quickly tore into hers and pulled out a single sheet of paper that held a list of assigned points. Sutures – 1 point each, Observing a surgery – 3 points, Holding a retractor – 4 points, Holding a clamp – 4 points, Assisting on a general procedure – 10 points... And the list went on, all the way to the last. Medical Mystery – 80 points.

"As you can see, every surgical procedure you may perform, assist or observe has been assigned a rating. It's your job to keep track." She pointed her finger at her residents. "If you are caught bumping up your total, and I mean something as little as saying you did five sutures when you did four, you will be disqualified and suffer from my wrath. Is that understood?"

They all nodded.

"Any questions?"

George nodded. "Are we restricted to a certain number of hours of work a day?"

Bailey shook her head. "What did you think I meant by complete dedication for the next two weeks?"

Meredith started. "You mean we're not allowed to leave for two weeks?"

"You are free to leave when you like, so long as you're off shift. Just keep in mind that your competitors may not be so undedicated. Your weakness will only give them an edge."

Meredith nodded as the reality of what she had agreed to sunk in. Beside her, Cristina was practically shaking with excitement to get started. Alex, Izzie and George looked less excited than Cristina, but still eager to get started. Two weeks. Two entire weeks. The surgeon in her was confident and eager, but the wife in her was apprehensive. Derek had been _so_ understanding of her crazy schedule for so long – their lives have been dictated by the hospital since the morning after they met – but this wasn't a necessary part of her residency. This was two entire weeks that she had agreed to.

"Can we start now?" Cristina asked.

Bailey nodded.

Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George hurried out the door.

Meredith followed behind them, realizing for the first tie just how different her life was than her friends' lives. They didn't have partners to justify their actions to. They weren't expected to be at home at least sometimes for the next two weeks. They didn't have a new spouse and a new home.

How was she going to tell Derek?

* * *

**Day Two**

Alex was winning.

Just hours into the contest, and after being beat out of surgery by Meredith, Cristina and George, Alex had been in the right place at the right time. He'd been moping in the ER when a trauma came in and he'd gotten tons of points.

Cristina was pissed. Her surgery the day before had been with Hahn, who hadn't let her assist at all, leaving her with only three points for several hours of surgery.

Meredith had held her own with the points, and was sitting solidly in second, but wasn't able to allow herself feel happy about it. She had been scheduled to be on call the night before, so she hadn't yet had to explain to her husband what she had signed up for. It wasn't exactly a conversation she was looking forward to.

She'd managed to catch a few hours of sleep the night before, only to jolt awake from the nightmare she'd been having on and off for two weeks now. She couldn't help but picture the little girl from her dream, begging her to stay. But she'd left anyway. She'd _chosen_ her job over the little girl.

How was she supposed to convince herself she wouldn't parent like that when she had agreed to spend two weeks in the hospital without first considering her husband?

With a sigh, she glanced at her watch. Derek had been scheduled for surgery early that morning, but he should be done now. She should tell him now.

She got halfway to his office when she was paged to the ER. She groaned, but hurried down to answer her page. A pile up on the freeway had caused most of the residents to be paged and all unnecessary surgeries to be postponed. The first patient to be brought in was severely injured and would obviously require extensive surgery. Meredith lost the patient to Cristina by a well placed elbow, but beat out Izzie for the next one; a young man with internal injuries.

Meredith scrubbed in with Bailey for several hours. The surgery was successful, but it was very late in the day when they finally scrubbed out. Meredith hadn't even seen her husband today, let alone told him she wouldn't be going home with him that night.

"Good job today, Grey," Bailey said as they scrubbed out together. "You may have earned enough points to pull ahead of Karev."

Meredith offered her Chief Resident a small smile, but couldn't hold it for long. The pride she should have felt over her competitive success was overcome by the dread she felt about telling her husband not to expect her home for two weeks.

"Grey?" Bailey prompted.

Meredith nodded. "Thank you."

"Why don't you seem happy about the points? The trick to the competition is a strong and early lead. I led from day one."

"I am. I just..."

Bailey sighed as she turned away from the sink for paper towel to dry her hands.

Meredith followed suit, believing the conversation to be over, but she felt Bailey's eyes on her as she slowly pulled out three sheets of paper towel. "I want to compete, I do. And I want to win," she said. "I just feel... Two weeks is..."

"It's different for you than the other residents," Bailey said, as if reading Meredith's mind. "It's not easy being the only married resident. I remember what that was like. You don't just have yourself to consider."

Meredith nodded. "Yeah."

"Was Shepherd unhappy?"

Meredith looked away as she tossed the paper towel into the trash. "I haven't told him yet," she admitted.

"And if he is unhappy?"

Meredith met her eyes again and shrugged. "I don't know. He's been so understanding about my crazy shifts. But this is different."

"There are benefits and drawbacks to being a surgical resident _and_ trying to have a relationship at home."

"He's been so understanding," she repeated, "But I don't want to turn into one of those women who choose surgery over-" She cut herself off as she realized what she was about to say and who she was about to say it to. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean you." It was no secret Bailey's marriage was on the rocks and her husband had moved out. Or that her son had almost died at home while she had been at work.

Bailey took a breath. "I didn't want to be one of those women either," she admitted. "And I don't know that I was, completely. The fact that you're worried is good; it means you're aware of what you're doing. I didn't worry. I just assumed I was different that everyone else." She offered Meredith a sad smile. "And your husband has been there. He understands better what kind of commitment you need to make."

Meredith nodded. Derek really did seem to understand. He had been a surgical resident himself. Bailey's husband hadn't. She hesitated before saying quietly, "Are you okay?"

Bailey stood up a bit straighter. "I'm Dr. Bailey. Of course I'm okay."

Meredith smiled at the older woman's tenacity. "Of course you are. I just mean...are you okay?" She asked again, quietly.

Bailey sighed. "I thought he understood I was doing all of this for _us_. I thought he understood the commitment." She paused. "I don't know when we stopped talking."

"I'm sorry."

Bailey shrugged, but said nothing. The air between them grew thick with tension.

Meredith shifted her weight. Her personal conversations with Bailey were few and far between. She didn't know if there was something she should say or do. Should she just leave? She couldn't leave because Bailey was between her and the door. She reached to the rings hanging around her neck on instinct. She wanted to slide them onto her fingers, but stopped herself. It wouldn't be right to do that in front of Bailey. She had to come up with something lighter to talk about. "How's Tuck?" She found herself asking.

Bailey's demeanour lightened. "He's doing fine."

"All healed?"

"Getting there." Her smiled grew. "It goes to show just how much faster kids bounce back than adults."

"I'm glad."

"Me too." She let her words simmer for a moment before turning and leaving Meredith alone in the scrub room.

Meredith let out a breath and follow suit by leaving the scrub room. She didn't follow Bailey, though. She may not know what to say to the senior resident, but she knew when someone needed time to themselves. Instead, she headed for the OR board to check on her husband's status.

Derek's name wasn't on the OR board, so she headed for his office. His shift was over, so he was probably waiting on her to be done surgery so they could go home together. The dread she felt increased as she neared his office. This was not a conversation she wanted to have, especially when she was already feeling insecure with her own abilities.

When she reached Derek's office, she knocked and waited instead of trying the door knob. She wasn't sure why. There was shuffling on the other side of the door, and then footsteps. Then the door opened.

Derek offered her an uncertain smile when he met her eyes. "Hey," he said softly, "Why are you knocking?"

She shrugged, not sure herself.

His brow furrowed, but his lips kept the smile. "I haven't seen you all day," he said eventually, reaching for her hand and then tugging her into his office. The moment the door was closed behind her, his snaked his arms around her waist.

Despite her anxiety, Meredith melted into his embrace. She pressed her face into his shoulder and hugged him back tightly. She sighed. He was so solid and so warm against her. _So safe._

"How was your surgery?" He asked quietly, rubbing her back. "Did you patient not make it?"

She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "No, he made it."

"That's good." He cocked his head. "You seem upset. I just thought..."

Meredith forced herself to meet his eyes. It was now or never. "I have to tell you something."

He held her a little tighter and his lips flatted into a thin line, as if he was preparing himself for bad news. "Okay."

"I..." She trailed off, uncertain of the right words. Maybe this was all just a stupid idea? She should just tell Bailey she's withdrawing from the contest. Whatever the consequences, she didn't care. It wasn't worth upsetting the balance she had between her work life and her home life. Her marriage was strong. They'd just moved into a new home. They were still newlyweds. She didn't need to create problems. She didn't want to follow the path Bailey had taken. She wouldn't follow that path, no matter what. She wouldn't. She would keep her priorities.

"Are you in trouble?" He prompted, his voice filled with concern. "Whatever it is, Mer, it'll be okay."

She almost laughed at his words. Here she was freaking out because she'd been selfish and not thought about her husband when she'd signed herself up for two straight weeks of being a surgeon and not a wife, and he was worried she was in trouble. He was assuring her his help for the issue she had created that involved him. "I'm not in trouble." She took a deep breath. "Bailey's got this contest-"

Derek nodded. "For the second year residents."

She paused, surprised he knew about it. "You know?"

He nodded. "She sent out lists of procedures and points. She wants to make sure no one is padding their scores."

"You know," she said again, only this time not as a question.

"So, what happened?" He prompted again, his tone still filled with worry.

"Nothing happened," she said, "But I'm _in_ the contest."

He nodded, waiting for more information.

Meredith was confused. Derek was clearly still waiting for bad news, for the shoe to drop. Maybe he just didn't understand. "It's two weeks long, Derek," she advised.

"Yeah..."

"Two weeks," she repeated. "Two _whole _weeks. I need to be here the whole time, regardless of my shifts to have a chance at winning."

He nodded, but said nothing. That 'waiting for the bad news expression' was still on his face. He wasn't pretending not to understand, she knew, because he wouldn't do that. He was better than that.

"You know what?" She backtracked, "This is stupid. I'm not doing this," she said on impulse. Clearly he knew, but didn't understand. And she didn't want him upset when he realized what it meant.

"Not doing what?"

"The contest."

He cocked his head. "Why not? You'll kick ass."

Why didn't he understand? "It's _two weeks_, Derek. That means I won't be home for two weeks. And I didn't even talk to you about it first. This seems like something I should have talked to you about. Because it's not fair to you. So, I'm not going to do it."

"Meredith," he said her name in that soft way that normally made her heart flutter. This time, however, it made her heart clench. Because she didn't deserve to hear her name spoken in _that_ way from his lips.

"No." She shook her head. "I won't... I'm not going to..." She trailed off, suddenly breathing hard. She sucked in a breath and forced herself to go on. "It's too long; too much to ask. I'll just do what I can during my shifts and-"

Derek pulled her against him and wrapped his arms so tightly around her that she felt like she could lift her feet off the ground and not drop an inch. "Just breathe for a moment," he whispered.

She did. She clutched at the fabric of his shirt against his back and buried her face into the crook of his neck. His warmth enveloped her, making her feel both safe and weak at the same time. She loved the feeling of safety he offered, but she hated needing to feel it.

Derek hummed softly to calm her and eventually loosened his grip to rub her back.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I still don't understand what you have to be sorry for," he whispered back.

His words tore at her heart. He didn't know. He didn't understand. She was a mess, and she was overwhelmed with the feeling of just not being good enough. Her dream was getting to her and keeping this secret, that apparently wasn't a secret at all, for almost two days had pushed her over the edge. Really, really far over the edge. "I'm not good at this," she finally whispered.

Derek ducked his head to press a kiss to her shoulder. He then tugged her towards the couch and sat, pulling her down beside him. "Okay," he said softly once they were seated together and he had hooked an arm around her. "What aren't you good at? Being a surgeon?" He shook his head. "Mer, you're an amazing surgeon-"

"Not that," she said quietly, her tone flat. Being a surgeon, she was good at. She excelled at work and she knew it. Unfortunately, right now she wished she could shift the balance and excel at home instead. She sighed. "I'm not good at being a wife."

He blinked, clearly taken aback. His eyes narrowed and his head cocked to the side as he surveyed her. He didn't speak right away, but when he did his tone was soft. "Don't you think it's me that should be making those judgements?"

She ignored his question. "I'm trying, and sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay. Sometimes I even feel like I'm good at it. But then I do something like this-"

He cut off the rant before she could truly get started. "Mer, you haven't done anything wrong, here."

"So, you're fine with the fact that your wife signed herself up to be at the hospital for two weeks straight without even telling you?"

He sighed. "Am I happy that my wife won't be home for two weeks? No," he said honestly. "But do I blame her? Do I think she's a bad wife? No. Absolutely not."

Meredith tried to look away from his eyes, but he reached out to cup her cheek, forcing her gaze back to him. "I know what I signed up for," he whispered. "You're a surgical resident. You have to be here. You have to commit now. I get that, Mer. I really do. I've been there. I've spent weeks at a time in the hospital. I'm not going to ask you not to do that."

"But I didn't even ask you," she found herself whispering.

"What are we, a nineteenth century couple?" He tried to joke.

She tried to smile at his attempt to lighten the mood, she really tried.

He offered her a tender smile. "You don't need my permission."

"I don't mean it that way."

"You're a resident," he repeated. "That means it's expected that you sign up for every contest, every surgery, and every opportunity. Trust me, I get it. I've been there. I'm not upset. I'll miss you, yes, but I'm not mad at you."

Meredith felt her heart tug at his tender words. "You're really not upset?"

He smiled. "I'm really not upset." He moved his hand from her cheek to run his fingers through her hair. "You're the one to beat, Mer. You're going to make an amazing surgeon. I'm so proud of you." He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "And you're already an amazing wife. I don't know why you could possibly think otherwise."

"I don't want to be the girl who chooses surgery over her family," she whispered, looking away.

He sighed. "Sometimes that's part of the job. It's not easy, but it happens. I've done it, too. How many dinners have we missed because _I _was in surgery? How many evenings or days off have _I_ ruined?"

He didn't get what she was trying to tell him, she realized. But he was trying so hard to understand her. "I'm afraid of it becoming a habit," she admitted, not able to look him in the eye when she said it. "I'm afraid it'll become the easy way out."

He tried to turn her gaze back to him again, but she resisted. "Mer," he said quietly. "Please look at me."

She looked down, but then slowly raised her gaze.

He offered her an encouraging smile when she finally met his eyes. "Where is this coming from?"

Tears stung her eyes, and she blinked hard to get rid of them. "My mother chose surgery over everything else in her life."

"Including you," he added softly. "I know that, but you're not her. You're not like her."

"But what if I am? I didn't think Bailey was like her. I always thought that if Bailey could make it all work, then so could I. She was the reason I knew it was possible. But now..."

"Now she's on the verge of divorce and her son almost died."

She nodded. "But she's still a hell of a surgeon."

He sighed heavily. "You've been upset since Tuck's accident. I thought it was about the accident..." He trailed off. "You should have made me understand sooner."

Just another thing he had to deal with from his unworthy wife, she thought bitterly, wishing she could be stronger for him. "It doesn't matter," she said flatly.

"It does if you're this upset."

"I just don't want to turn into her. I'm..." Her voice cracked and she had to take a moment before she could continue. "I'm _terrified_ of becoming her."

He nodded, his eyes narrowing as he studied her. "And you've lost your role model," he said eventually, having read her correctly.

She shrugged. "I guess." She'd looked up to Bailey since the start of her internship. In Meredith's eyes, Bailey had been the devoted wife, and then mother, that Ellis had never been. It had all seemed _so_ possible.

He fell silent.

She joined him in silence, her gaze falling downwards again. His arm was still around her, and she could feel his fingers twitching ever so slightly against her back. His other hand was resting on her shoulder. A year ago, she would have wanted to run from this situation, but now she felt relief, despite the tension in the room and the lack of resolution. Keeping her fears from him was stressful and hard. She'd rather them be out in the open, even if it made her feel like an unworthy freak.

He sighed and then pulled her into his chest. She allowed the movement and looped her arms around his waist. She always felt better in his arms, and right now she couldn't even hate herself for needing to be there.

"I don't know how to make this better for you," he whispered. "You're an amazing wife. I'm certain of it. And the only thing that can convince you that you won't turn into your mother is time."

Meredith felt tears sting her eyes again and this time she didn't try to stop them. She was scared and Derek was trying to make her feel better. Yes, she was weak, but in his arms she felt like it was okay to be weak, even if just for a moment.

He sighed again. "Mer, I spent my whole life feeling like I was missing something, feeling like I wasn't good enough. I felt like my family needed me to be someone I wasn't. I spent eleven years in a marriage to a woman who wanted me to be someone I wasn't." He hugged her tighter. "But with you, I feel like I can breathe..." His voice cracked and he trailed off.

She could feel deep, heaving breaths against her chest. When he spoke again, his voice was thick.

"You've never asked me to be something I wasn't. You've challenged me and you've pushed me, but you've never asked me to change _me_. And you love me. You love _me_." He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. His were damp. "I feel like I'm enough for you. I feel like we're really in this together, _us_. I feel like I can _breathe_," he repeated, "Like I was drowning before, but you saved me."

She offered him a wet smile at the echo of the statement he had first presented her with well over a year prior. "That was the other way around."

He laughed and then kissed her. "Physically, it was the other way around, but emotionally, you saved me. I can be myself with you, no matter what. You accept me. And you like me."

Meredith felt her smile grow at his words. "I do like you," she agreed.

"You have no idea how much I love my life now. _Our_ life," he corrected. "You're what was missing before."

"Really?" She found herself asking quietly.

He beamed. "Really. I wouldn't change you for anything. You, Meredith Grey-Shepherd, are an absolutely amazing wife. I love you so much."

Meredith's eyes watered to the point that Derek's face became blurry, but she couldn't tear her eyes away.

"You make me feel loved, Mer," he said simply. "You make me feel happy. And you do things for me all the time. You bring me food and coffee at work. You understand when I lose a patient. You surprise me with things at home, like camping out in the living room in our first night in our new home. You make me laugh. You make me enjoy life. You ask me about my day and remember important things." He shook his head. "You ordered carrot cake cupcakes for my birthday. You make me feel special. How could you possibly think you're a bad wife?"

Tears were streaming down her face, but she didn't make a move to wipe them away. "You're really that happy?"

He nodded. "I really am. And I normally think you are, too."

She released a breath that was half laugh and half sob. "I am, normally. I just... We saw your family, and they're so freaking happy, and I come home thinking we can have it all; the kids and the jobs. And I was so sure. But then things started to fall apart and..."

"You know why my family seemed so happy?"

"Why?"

He smirked. "Because they were on vacation. They have real lives where they have jobs and kids and decisions to make. And I'm sure they fight with their husbands and have to choose their jobs over their family sometimes. It's part of life."

"I guess that makes sense." She had never thought of it that way. She'd never seen the Shepherds in their normal lives.

"We're going to have fights, Mer. And we're going to struggle to balance work, marriage and, one day, kids. But we'll get through it together, I promise you that."

"Okay."

"Okay," he echoed. He ran his hands up her shoulders and neck to the sides of her head and used his thumbs to tenderly brush the remnants of her tears from her cheeks. "Now, you are already an amazing wife, so now you need to focus on becoming an amazing surgeon. And that starts by kicking ass in this contest."

"You're sure?"

"Absolutely. I'm going to watch you become the best surgeon in the hospital, and I'm going to be your cheerleader the whole time. And when you win this contest, I'm going to take you home and we're going to celebrate."

"Okay," she agreed quietly, unable to stifle the smile that his words and the relief bubbling in her chest created.

"Okay," he echoed again, before leaning in and pressing his lips to hers. "Now, promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"That next time you're upset you'll make sure I understand so you don't end up with some absurd idea that you're a bad wife for being in a contest."

"It didn't seem absurd at the time."

He smiled. "Well, it is. And completely irrational."

"Well, you're usually the rational one."

He kissed her again. "Just promise me."

"I promise."

"Good." He kissed her once more, longer this time.

"Thank you, Derek," she whispered when he pulled away.

"I'm just being the best husband I can be."

She laughed and nodded. "You're a very good husband."

"We're a good match, then."

"We are," she agreed.

"Do you want me to stay here tonight?"

She shook her head. "No, you go home. I have to troll for surgeries if I'm going to win this contest."

"You're definitely going to win."

"I'll do my best."

"Do you want me to bring you anything from home?"

She considered his question. Having a husband could come in handy. "Some clothes would be great. Some tops to wear under my scrub. And clean underwear."

He smirked. "I will have no problem going through your underwear drawer."

She giggled. "I'm sure you won't. Just make sure it's work appropriate."

"I'll do my best."

After a few more minutes of comfortable banter, Derek said goodnight and good luck, and left her in the hospital. Feeling lighter than she had in weeks, Meredith stayed up for hours successfully trolling for cases. When she finally became too exhausted to do anything more, she forwent finding herself an oncall room bed to sleep in. Instead, she crashed on the couch in Derek's office.

And her dreams were filled only with happy futures.


	119. Resident Competition part 2

_**AN: Here is part two of the Resident Competition, day three to ten. Day eleven to fourteen should be up in the next week. Hope you enjoy!**_

* * *

**Day Three**

Derek smiled as he caught sight of his wife across the busy surgical floor, leaning against the Nurses' Station with her friends. She was facing away from him and his view was mostly blocked by the hustle and bustle of hospital staff, patients and family members mulling about the floor, but one fleeting glance and he knew it was her. The light blue scrubs weren't exactly unique, but the dirty blond hair in the messy pony tail was a dead giveaway. He'd know her anywhere, despite how fleeting the glance.

Carefully weeding his way through the throngs of people, and cautious of the small duffle bag hanging on his shoulder, he eagerly made with way towards Meredith.

He had been taken aback by her emotional state the night before, but once he'd gotten home and had time to mull over the past few weeks, he picked out several instances where she had seemed off. He had known Tucker's accident had affected her – it had affected them all – but he hadn't realized just how deeply. He had always known she had looked up to Miranda Bailey, but he had never recognized the potential problems that could lead to. Being an attending, he was privy to more of Bailey's personal life than her residents, not that she shared much at all with anyone, so he had seen signs of unhappiness in Bailey in the months leading up to Tucker's accident, whereas Meredith would have been caught completely off guard. And the apparent 'fall' of her role model had had a profound effect on her confidence.

She was the single best thing that had ever happened to him. He only hoped he had done the right things and said the right words the night before to make her see all that she was to him. He had been confident the night before when he had gone to bed, but he had woken early that morning and had been unable to fall back to sleep. One reason, of course, was the fact that her body was not lying next to his, but the other was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that she was at the hospital suffering because she thought he was mad at her.

He hadn't been lying during their talk the night before. He wasn't mad. He wanted to see her shine at work. He wanted to see her dominate this competition. And he definitely didn't want her distracted because she was worrying about him. So, he had gotten up earlier than he needed to be and had stopped at the specialty coffee shop around the corner from their condo – the shop with the ridiculously overpriced, but amazing, specialty hot beverages – and bought her an extra large specialty coffee.

Finally reaching his destination, he smiled softly at her appearance. She had clearly stayed up most of the night trolling for cases. Her body was hunched forward, her elbows resting on the desk and her chin supported by her hands. Her eyes were closed.

Derek silently sidled up beside her and set the coffee down in front of himself. She didn't move.

Placing a hand on her lower back, he greeted her friends with a friendly, "Morning."

Meredith startled slightly under his touch, but he knew she hadn't been sleeping. He too had become an expert at 'upright dozing' during his residency. You had to get all the rest you could wherever and whenever you could. She stood upright and turned to him.

"Hey," she greeted, her voice scratchy, though she cleared her throat and when she spoke again her voice was much clearer. "You're here early."

He shrugged. "I wanted to catch you before rounds." He leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek while he slid the coffee across the counter towards her.

"For me? _Thank_ you," she murmured, wrapping her hand around it. "And it's the good coffee from the place."

He chuckled at her non-specific comment. "The good coffee from the place," he agreed.

She took a sip and her eyes closed as she savoured it. Then she opened her eyes and offered him a bright smile. "You've made my morning. I was too tired to go down to the coffee cart."

"Well, I hope this gets you though rounds." He bumped her hip with his playfully. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"A bit. Not much." She yawned. "Not enough."

He offered a sympathetic smile. "I brought your clothes. I'll just stash them in my office."

"Thank you," she said softly.

He smiled back, but before he could respond, Bailey arrived at the Nurses' Station. "I reviewed the points from last night. Still very close-"

"Dr. Bailey, Meredith is cheating," Izzie cut in.

"What? I am not!" Meredith retorted.

"She is," Izzie insisted. "We're all exhausted, and she has an attending bringing her coffee." She motioned towards Meredith's very coveted cup of coffee. None of the five residents had had the energy to make it to the coffee cart yet that morning.

Bailey turned to him, her expression telling him she was not amused with Izzie's antics. "Dr. Shepherd, you're in your street clothes. I presume this means you are not yet on duty. Is this correct?"

Derek nodded.

Bailey turned back to Izzie. "Then Grey is not getting special favours from an attending, but her husband, who I will admit should not be here."

Derek chuckled. "I'll be going then."

"Izzie's got a point," Alex spoke up, keeping Derek's attention and presence for the time being. "Anytime Mer needs points she can just go to Shepherd, trade him an hour in an on call room for-"

"Alex!" Meredith hissed. "I would never-"

"She shouldn't been allowed any points for working with him during the competition," Cristina cut in.

"I _haven't_ worked with him," Meredith pointed out.

"Shut up, all of you," Bailey said with a huff. "I will ensure Grey gets no special treatment, but I will not ban her from anyone's service because that would give you all an edge, so stop complaining or I'll start deducting points."

Cristina had looked like she was going to say something, but shut her mouth at Bailey's threat.

"Now," Bailey continued, shooting Derek a look, "I'm sure Dr. Shepherd will be more generous tomorrow." She glanced at Meredith's coffee and then back to Derek.

"I'm sure I will be," Derek stated, before turning from the desk to head for his office. When he was out of ear shot he muttered, "This is going to be an expensive two weeks for me."

* * *

**Day Four**

Meredith was starting to adapt to her new 'schedule' of sleeping for very short periods of time at very short notice. She had worked super hard all day the previous day, crashed for an hour between surgeries, worked hard until midnight, crashed for two hours, worked hard for three hours and then crashed for another hour. She knew she would have to allow her body a much longer sleep shortly, but she had at least another day before that became a problem. She glanced at her competitors as they waited at the Nurses' Station for Bailey to lead them in rounds.

Cristina looked both exhausted and determined. Meredith wasn't actually sure if the very competitive resident had slept for a moment since the contest began. She had managed to surge ahead, but only held a one point lead over Meredith, who had somehow been in second since the competition began, but to three different people.

George was sitting in third. He had made it into first the day before, but had lost the lead late into the evening. After losing the coveted lead spot, he had walked away from the action for several hours and now looked incredibly more rested than any of them. Meredith kind of envied him.

Izzie was sitting in fourth, and hadn't stopped complaining about her lack of good luck. She was the only one, other than Meredith, who had not yet made it into the lead for any amount of time. She had been tired and dragging the day before, but not appeared very lively. Too lively. Meredith recognized the anxious, jittery movements as the behaviour Izzie normally displayed after a multi-day baking binge. She predicted a crash in the next twelve hours.

Alex was sullen and unhappy, having dropped from first to last in three days. The cocky attitude he had developed after taking the lead right from the beginning had pissed off a few attendings, which had limited his ability to earn points.

Meredith glanced at her watch. Three minutes to rounds. She yawned, expecting Bailey to arrive any moment. She caught sight of movement to her right, and turned her head.

The sight that met her eyes had her covering her mouth to stifle a laugh. Derek was walking towards them with a large tray of specialty coffees cups from the place around the corner from their home. He met her eyes and offered her a smile.

"What did you do?"

"I'm following Bailey's directions," he explained, "By being _fair_. I wanted to bring my wife," he paused to press a short, chaste kiss to her lips, "A treat without getting hell for it." He shot a humorous glance at the other four residents, who had all fallen silent as they stared at the tray of drinks, identical expressions of longing on their faces.

Meredith giggled at the matching expressions on her friends' faces. "That was very nice of you. They would say thank you, but you've mesmerized them."

Derek smirked as he lifted the first cup out of the tray and pressed it into her hands. "For you." He seemed to pause, and then leaned in to press a second, quick, slightly less chaste, kiss on her lips.

"Thank you," she murmured.

"You're very welcome."

"Shepherd, are you distracting my residents again?" Bailey's voice cut through their moment.

Meredith cringed, but Derek simply smirked and turned to Bailey. "Dr. Bailey, no, I wasn't here with the intention of distracting your residents. I was simply trying to right a wrong by being _fair_ to _all _of the residents. I was following your expert advice." He turned back to the tray and lifted a cup. He examined the markings on the lid before passing it to Izzie.

"Dr. Stevens."

"Thank you," Izzie said. "I'm sorry I said you were helping Meredith cheat."

Derek pulled the second cup out of tray, examined the markings and passed it to Alex. He then did the same with Cristina and George.

"You know what we all drink?" Izzie asked.

Derek shrugged. "I've lived with all of you."

"You didn't live with me," Cristina pointed out.

"Close enough. You were over all the time."

"Are you done?" Bailey spoke up. "We're officially late starting rounds."

"Almost," he said, not deterred by Bailey's tone. He pulled the second last cup from the tray and turned around. "For you, Dr. Bailey."

She stared suspiciously at him. "You brought me a coffee."

"Mocha latte," he corrected.

She took the drink. "Wipe than damn grin off your face."

"You're welcome," he responded easily, winking at Meredith when Bailey rolled her eyes. He then picked up the final coffee cup and held it out. "To being fair."

"To being fair," the resident's chorused together, also holding up their cups.

Derek turned to Bailey, one eye brow raised expectantly.

Bailey stared him down for a long moment before sighing. "To being fair," she said flatly. "And to rounds," she added immediately, turning on her heel and heading towards the first patient's room.

Meredith shot Derek a grateful smile before scurrying after her Chief Resident.

* * *

**Day Five**

It was late and Derek was done with his patients for the day. He was ready to go home, but refused to do so until he said goodbye to his wife. Unfortunately, he had been searching – unsuccessfully – for said wife for twenty minutes. She wasn't in surgery, wasn't in the ER and wasn't working with a post op patient. He had seen Alex sprawled out across a gurney in the basement, but no sign of Meredith. He knew she wasn't in his office because that's where he had started.

She had to have found a place to crash. He was tempted to page her, but didn't want to wake her if she was, in fact, finally getting some much needed rest. He respected, and even admired, her commitment to this contest, but he didn't know how she did it. Had he been so good at staying up for close to a week with very little sleep when he had been a resident? Surely he had never gone more than seventy-two hours... He shook his head. Looking back, his residency was a blur of exhaustion, elation and surgery. He could remember in detail his first shift and his last shift, but the five years in between had little definition.

He found her in the third on call room he checked. She was curled up on the small bed to the right. The other bed was empty. He had to smile at the way her pager was clutched in her hand, resting on the pillow beside her face. He wondered how long she had been sleeping and debated whether to wake her or just get his fill by staring for several minutes. He wanted her to be here competing with the other residents. And he wanted to be her biggest supported along her way to greatness. But he would be lying if he said he didn't miss her. Their new home seemed very empty without her, as did their king sized bed. Every morning he woke up and reached for her on instinct and every morning his arm met cold sheets.

Quietly, he padded over to the small bed and sat beside her. She didn't stir as the mattress shifted under his weight. She'd let her hair down since he'd last seen her and most of it was spread across the pillow behind her. A few strands lay across her cheek.

His fingers itched to brush the hairs from her face. They itched to touch her soft skin. They itched to stroke and caress and warm every inch of skin he could find. In fact, his entire body itched touch her, to be pressed against her. He yearned to bury his nose in her hair, to taste her salty skin, to feel her legs wrapped around his waist as he-

Derek released a breath and forced his mind to stop and settled for simply brushing the stray hairs from her face. His fingers only brushed her cheek for a moment longer than required.

She didn't move, but released an exhale that sounded quite a bit like a sigh. He tried to draw his hand away from her, but it seemed to move on its own volition towards her, as if magnetically drawn.

At first he just brushed his fingers across her arm. Then he laid his hand on her shoulder.

Meredith sighed again and rolled slightly towards him so that she was more on her stomach than on her side.

He ran his hand down her side and across her back in lazy circles.

She drew in a deep breath and released it through her mouth.

Derek pulled his hand away, chastising himself for not leaving her alone when she needed her sleep. "I'm sorry," he whispered, having known the moment she had woken. "I didn't want to wake you."

She mumbled something unintelligible and then said, "That felt nice."

He returned his hand to her back and traced three large circles before dipping his hand below the hem of her scrub top and dancing his fingers across her bare skin.

She moaned. "That feels _really _nice."

"How long have you been sleeping?"

"That depends on what time it is."

He chuckled. "Ten."

"Five hours, then."

"That's good."

"Mmm," She agreed. "I was having trouble standing in my afternoon surgery so I put myself on a time out from the contest."

"That's good. You'll feel so much better. No one can keep up the schedule you guys have been pulling for two weeks."

With a sigh, she rolled onto her back. He followed her movements and shifted his hand to her thigh.

"Izzie snapped last night," she told him. "She got really crazy and then started crying." She giggled.

"Izzie crying is funny?"

She nodded against the pillow. "Only because she was crying because she kept trying to diagnose 'medical mysteries' in the clinic and none of them panned out. She was certain a few hives were flesh eating bacteria and a case of the flu was some rare autoimmune disorder. We forced her into an on call room. She was asleep in less than a minute. Of course, she slept for twelve hours and was livid this morning that we hadn't woken her. Apparently, it was group sabotage."

He laughed. "Just tell her sleep is important."

"We did. George has been sleeping more than any of us and he's holding his own with the points. He tried telling her that..."

Derek lowered himself onto the small mattress beside her, lying on his back so they were shoulder to shoulder. "And how are you holding up in the points?"

"Third." She made a face. "Cristina is still in first. George got some really lucky cases today, so he pulled ahead of me by two points. Well, that was at lunch. I got some points in surgery this afternoon, but I don't know about him, especially if he was working while I was sleeping."

"Then you'll just get more points while _he's_ sleeping."

She smiled and reached for his hand. She intertwined their fingers before speaking. "Are you going home now?"

"Mmm-hmm. I had to go back in on my haematoma from this morning. There was a re-bleed."

"He going to be okay?"

"He should be."

"That's good." She paused. "Are you sure you have to go home _right _now?"

"When should I be going home?"

She moved quickly. One moment she was laying beside him and the next she was straddling him. She ducked her head down so her lips were inches from his. "After this."

He reached his hands to rest on her hips. "I supposed I could stay for this," he whispered, reaching up to close the distance between their lips.

"I miss you," she whispered between kisses. "It's been _days_."

He chuckled into her mouth. "It's unacceptable," he agreed.

She deepened the kiss in response.

Cautious of the edge of the mattress, he rolled them over so she was pressed against the bed under him. He released her lips and took the leisurely path to her neck, stopping to breathe in the faint lavender of her hair. She moaned when he finally ran his tongue across the crook of her neck.

Her fingers burrowed themselves into his hair, her nails biting into his scalp.

He pressed against her, feeling his body reacting to hers. In just moments he could be-

The sound of a pager cut through the room.

Meredith groaned in frustration.

Derek buried his face into the pillow, his chin resting against her shoulder.

She sighed as she held up her pager. "Trauma coming in," she relayed, "Five minutes out." She paused. "It's big."

He released the last remnants of hope that he would get to see his wife naked in the next few minutes. Slowly he sat up.

She offered him an apologetic smile.

He kissed her, telling her it was okay. "Next time," he promised.

"Next time," she agreed. Then she ran her hand through his hair. "I really do miss you."

"I miss you, too. I'm on call tomorrow night. Maybe we can...have a sleepover in my office...?"

"Definitely."

* * *

**Day Six**

Meredith had pulled into the lead. She had picked the right patients in the ER and had been in surgery four times that day. She had pulled ahead of Cristina by several points. And, having caught up on her sleep, Izzie had pulled into second. Alex and George were tied for last. The late dinner the five had shared – in a keep your friends close, but your enemies closer kind of way – had involved quite a bit of the girls gloating about their lead over the boys.

It was late now. Meredith had only seen Derek once since she had been paged away from him the night before, and that one time had been a fleeting glance across the busy ER. She missed him. It wasn't something she would admit to anyone _but_ him, but it was the truth. She missed coming home to him, missed waking up next to him. Despite their hectic schedules, they had never spent this many nights apart before.

There was no light shining out from under the door to Derek's office, but she assumed this was where he was. She had checked the OR Board, but hadn't seen his name. And they had made a date the night before to meet here. There was more room in an on call room, but his office offered privacy.

The door was unlocked. She smiled as she turned the knob and pushed open the door, knowing he had left it unlocked for her. As expected, he was asleep on the couch, still dressed in his navy scrubs. He was lying flat on his back with his forearm draped across his eyes.

She closed the door behind her and locked it, before padding across the room. He shifted at the noise, reminding her how light of a sleeper he could be.

"Mer?" He mumbled? Sliding his arm away from his eyes.

"Expecting someone else?" She joked, sitting on the edge of the couch next to him.

He offered her a sleepy smile. "Just making sure."

She leaned down and pressed her lips against his.

He deepened the kiss and his hand found the back of her neck, pulling her upper body against his. "I didn't mean to fall asleep," he murmured between kisses. "I was waiting for you."

"I've been thinking about this all day."

"Mmm, me too."

She pulled away quickly and stood.

Still flat out on the couch, he shot her a questioning look.

She smirked and pulled her tops over her head. She then kicked off her shoes and shimmied out of her pants. "I've missed you," she murmured as she returned to him, crawling onto his body so that she straddled his waist.

"I've missed you, too," he told her, sitting up and pulling her against him.

Meredith ran her hands across his sides and back. He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back, her fingers finding the hem of his scrub top. "First things first," she explained.

He helped her to rid him of his shirt, and then immediately pulled her flush against him again.

"That's better," Meredith said, revelling in the feel of his bare chest against hers.

"Almost," he responded, his fingers deftly unhooking the clasp of her bra.

She giggled as he tossed the garment away, but he cut her off with a kiss.

* * *

**Day Seven**

Derek woke early in the morning to the sound of a pager. For a moment he was disoriented – it was dark, he was naked, something was pressing against his back and his front, and he smelled lavender – but then the thing pressing against his front groaned. He sighed as his mind found sentience and he remembered his surroundings. He and Meredith had spent the night on the couch is his office. It was a rather large couch, but still wasn't truly large enough for a full grown adult to sleep on, let alone two. His back was pressed to the back on the couch and Meredith was wrapped in his arms in front of him, her back pressed to his chest. It was a tight fit, but they made it work.

Meredith shifted in his arms as she reached over the edge of the couch for the two pagers sitting together on the floor. "It's yours," she announced, "Consult in the pit. Not nine-one-one."

He moaned. "You go," he mumbled, "Get some points, just don't kill anyone."

She giggled. "I wish. Unfortunately, I think they'd notice that I wasn't Dr. Shepherd."

He sighed and pressed a kiss to the back of Meredith's neck. "Technically, you are Dr. Shepherd, just the wrong one."

She turned over to face him, and he tightened his grip around her to keep her from falling off the edge of the couch. "I'm not a neurosurgeon," she tried.

"Not yet."

She rolled her eyes.

He kissed her. "Fine, I'll go. If it leads to surgery, do you want to scrub in?"

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"It'll look like you're giving me special attention. And with the contest..."

He sighed. "Mer, I've let everyone else work with me at least once this week. You're the only one who I haven't worked with. No one will think it's favouritism."

He kissed him softly. "I just don't want to take any chances. I will scrub in with you if a patient I'm working on needs you. Other than that, I'm saying now for the next week." She smirked. "I don't want anyone questioning it when I kick their asses in this contest."

He couldn't help but smile at her tenacity. "That's my girl."

She laughed. "Now, go do your consult."

He kissed her once more, before murmuring, "Bossy."

* * *

**Day Eight**

Meredith was starving. Every time she had tried to grab something to eat that day she had been pulled into surgery. She needed the points, but her body was starting to remind her that she needed food, too. She was crossing the atrium on her way to the cafeteria when she heard her name, and smiled as she caught sight of her husband hurrying towards her.

"Hey," she greeted brightly.

"Hey," he echoed, pecking her lips. "Where are you off to?"

"Food," she replied. "I'm starving."

"I hear you're winning again," he said as they walked together down the series of hallways that would take them to the cafeteria.

She smiled. "By a point." Cristina hadn't done so well the day before and her score had suffered. She had fallen into fourth. Izzie had pulled ahead of everyone, with Meredith in close second. Alex was in third and George had fallen into last. But in the last few hours, Meredith had made up enough points to pull ahead of Izzie.

"A point's a point. You just have to keep the lead."

"I slept a lot a last night, so my plan is to try and push through tonight and tomorrow to expand my lead."

"Sounds good, just don't burn yourself out, you're only halfway there."

"I've found it easier to sleep less often, but for longer. Catching short naps when I can are only helpful for a few hours."

He nodded. "Less REM sleep that way."

"I just have to make it a few more days like this, and then my plan is to..." She trailed off as she glanced around the empty hallway to make sure no one was listening as she voiced her strategy to her husband. "My plan is to get a good amount of sleep on day twelve so I can just push through the last thirty-six to forty-eight hours."

"Good strategy."

"I hope it works." They had reached the cafeteria. "Do you want to have dinner with me?"

"That depends."

"Depends on what?"

"Whether you'll buy me dinner?"

"And why would I do that?" She asked playfully.

"Because I'm broke," he bantered, pulling a single dollar bill out of his pocket. "This is all the cash I have left after the daily coffee runs I've had to do. Being fair isn't cheap."

She laughed. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "You're worth it. I just haven't had time to make it to the bank. I was actually on the way to the ATM by the front lobby, but I got distracted by the pretty doctor."

"Flattery will get you everywhere, Dr. Shepherd."

"Including free dinner?" He joked.

"Including free dinner," she agreed.

* * *

**Day Nine**

It was a quiet day. Meredith had gotten points that morning by doing sutures in the pit, but there hadn't been any more interesting cases. She was sitting at one of the desk in the ER, catching up on paperwork she had let slide over the past week as she focused on the contest.

At least, she was trying to catch up on paperwork.

Unfortunately, with the lack of activity, her mind had less current information to focus on and kept straying to the issues that had been plaguing her mind for weeks now. Derek had, as he so often did, talked her down from her freak out. He had made her feel loved and safe and secure. He had made her trust that he was okay with her need to be as committed to her residency as the single residents. He had even made her feel proud of herself and more grateful than ever for the wonderful man she had fallen in love with. He had fixed her in that moment, but she was starting to accept the fact that she couldn't continue like this. Something would happen that would trigger the insecurities she liked to shove into the back of her mind and pretend she didn't have, and then she'd stress within herself, often with nightmares, until she reached her limit. And Derek was always there to talk her down.

But she didn't want Derek to always have to talk her down. He shouldn't have to. She knew he loved her and didn't mind, but she wondered how long he would put up with her behaviour. How many more freak outs would he put up with before he lost his patience with her? He'd never given her a reason not to trust him, and yet she would find herself doubting things with him. Eventually he would realize he deserved someone more secure than her.

She needed to fix herself before she damaged her marriage.

"Hey," Cristina greeted, dropping a pile of charts onto the desk next to her. "You had the same idea I did."

Meredith nodded. "I thought about using the quiet to catch up on sleep, but I'd also rather not have to stick around for a day after the competition while I catch up on paperwork." In truth, she wasn't exhausted enough to sleep right now. She hadn't had the nightmare since Derek had talked her down, but she wasn't sure if that was because she had been calmer or because she was only sleeping when absolutely exhausted, which tended to result in dreamless sleep.

"You and me both. How behind are you?"

Meredith shrugged. "Just a couple days. I've been able to catch up a few times."

Cristina dragged a chair over and claimed half of the desk to work on. "Any interesting cases today?"

"Not a single one. Did some sutures. Diagnosed a case of the flu."

"I got that beat," Cristina said as she scribbled notes onto a chart.

"What did you get?"

"You'll never guess."

"If I'll never guess, then just tell me."

"You have to try."

Meredith sighed. She snapped closed the chart she had just finished with and turned to her best friend. "Is it cardio related?"

"Yes."

"Is it rare?"

"Extremely."

"Is it-"

"Ectopia cordis!" Cristina said excitedly, cutting her off.

"No way."

"Way. I couldn't believe it myself. Bailey made me go to the clinic and I got stuck doing an ultrasound," she made a face, "For a single point. But it was totally worth it. You should have seen it. So cool."

"Could you see the heart and everything?" Meredith asked. Ectopia cordis was a very rare defect in which a baby's heart grew outside its chest in utero.

Cristina nodded. "I admitted her and did a 3D ultrasound."

"Wow, that's...wow. There has only ever been a few hundred cases ever reported."

"Less than two hundred worldwide."

"I hate you for being sent to the clinic."

Cristina smirked.

"How do you treat that? Clearly the mother can't give birth. The heart would burst."

"C-section is four to eight weeks. We'll need time to get a team together. I met with Hahn after I made the diagnosis. Sloan's going to see about extracting some stem cells to grow some skin to cover the incision after we repair the heart."

"Is Hahn going to let you assist?"

Cristina's expression darkened. "She better. It's _my_ patient. I made the diagnosis."

"I'm sure she will," Meredith added, hoping it was true. Hahn still hadn't warmed up to Cristina, despite the months she had been working at the hospital, and she could tell it was starting to take its toll on her best friend.

* * *

**Day Ten**

Meredith hesitated outside the department she had never set foot in before. The walls were painted a comforting beige colour and inspirational, framed pictures were hung along the walls. It should have felt welcoming, but Meredith still hesitated as she wondered if she should truly be here.

She'd had too much time to think the day before. It had triggered ideas that she couldn't get out of her head, even after a massive car accident had kept her busy all night. It could help...

But did she really need the help? She was doing okay...right?

Memories of the desperate fear that had plagued her a little over a week ago fluttered into her mind. She had overreacted on a whole new level. She had practically been at the point where she thought Derek would leave her because she had agreed to participate in a two week contest.

That wasn't normal or rational. She needed to fix the part of her that reacted that way.

She needed to fix the part of her that needed a role model, that needed the assurance that things could work out okay.

She wanted a long, happy, _full_ life. With Derek. She wanted to have a family. And she most definitely did not want to turn into her mother. She needed to become for confident in herself, and she didn't know how to do that on her own. Derek was there for her no matter what, but he couldn't help her with _this_, no matter how much he may love her and want to do everything he could for her.

Meredith took a deep breath. She needed to do this for her future.

After glancing around to ensure no one was watching her, she pushed open the door that led into the counselling department, grateful that despite the fact that it was staffed with psychiatrists, it wasn't part of the _psychiatric _department. She didn't think she could have found the determination to go there if that was the case.

A friendly looking, older woman with greying hair and a scrub top with cartoon animals on it sat at the reception desk. She offered Meredith a smile as she approached the desk.

"Can I help you?"

"Uh, yes, I was wondering," she glanced around nervously, "What the process would be for making an appointment." She paused for a moment, before rambling onward as she lost her nerve. "For a patient, I mean. I work here, clearly," she laughed nervously as she looked down at her blue scrubs, "And I have this patient. And I think that she could benefit from...some help. So I was wondering what the process would be..."

The woman behind the desk surveyed Meredith with understanding eyes. If she saw through Meredith's thinly veiled explanation, she didn't say so. "It's quite simply. We have a number of psychiatrists on staff who specialize in different areas. Your patient just has to come in or call to make an appointment."

Meredith nodded. "Okay. And what might the wait time be?"

"That depends on the psychiatrists. We have specialists in several different areas. Children and teens, marital counselling, traumatic experiences..." She trailed off. "What kind of help does your patient need?"

"More...personal problems. Some insecurities. Some...issues in the past. Fear of the future."

The receptionist smiled. "That would be Dr. Wyatt's area of expertise. She's excellent." She passed Meredith a small brochure and business card for Dr. Wyatt. "Give this to your patient. Dr. Wyatt's schedule is pretty open because she also does consults for the hospital. Appointments can be made with twenty-four to forty-eight hours usually."

"Great. Thank you." Meredith turned to leave.

"And doctor?"

"Yes?" She turned back.

"Whatever your patient is going through, we can help her."

Meredith nodded before back around and leaving the department. She may not have made an appointment, and she may have lied about who needed to appointment, but she had gone. And that was a start.


	120. Resident Competition part 3

**Residents' Competition - Day Eleven**

Meredith released a tired sigh as she turned off the lukewarm water in the residents' shower. The water temperature was always inconsistent, which she especially despised on a day like today where she _really_ needed a hot shower. She had been up all night working without a single moment to rest. Her body was exhausted, but she needed the points. She had hoped a hot shower would wake her up.

Stifling a yawn, she wrapped a towel around her tired body and stepped into the lounge to get dressed. The lounge was, thankfully, empty. She hurriedly dried off and pulled on fresh underwear and a top, courtesy of her amazing husband who had not only brought her clothes at the beginning of the contest, but had taken home dirty clothes on two occasions to do laundry for her.

She honestly didn't know what she'd do without him.

After pulling fresh scrubs on, she put her damp hair up with the towel and sat on the bench to put her sneakers back on. Everything ached. The competition was gruelling and was starting to take its toll on her. She'd never been so exhausted. Every cell in her body was tired, it seemed.

When she finished tying her shoes she went to stand up, but stopped and sat back down on the bench. She buried her head in her hands and granted herself five minutes to sit and feel sorry for herself. She was tired and sore and wanted to go home.

She missed her home. She missed sleeping next to her husband. She missed their warm, comfortable bed. The on-call rooms were cold and the beds hard. She missed hot showers and she missed being able to dress without worrying about her prying eyes, other than Derek's, of course, though that she didn't mind his at all. She missed eating real food on a relatively regular schedule. She missed Derek's cooking. She missed Derek's teasing comments when she offered to help him cook.

She missed feeling like a human being.

"Just three more days," she muttered to herself. It would be so easy to just give up and go home now, but she had made it eleven days. She couldn't give up now.

With a sigh, she stood, wincing as her sore feet cried out that they really didn't want to support her right now. Ignoring the pain, she snatched her pager from her cubby and returned it to her waistband. She pulled the towel off her head and put her hair up into a pony tail. She then pulled her lab coat on over her scrubs and patted the right pocket. It was still there.

Meredith had been carrying around Dr. Wyatt's card for a day. Despite its small size, it felt heavy in the pocket of her lab coat. She had yet to make an appointment, but she felt better about herself for taking that first step. She had once read a study that found the act of going to therapy made people feel better, so she wondered if the same was true for _thinking_ about going to therapy.

She had read the pamphlet given to her in the counselling department. It offered the promise of hope and support. It briefly described the six psychiatrists on staff, their education, specialties and experience. Dr. Wyatt's bio had made Meredith feel confident about the referral. She had gone to a good school and had several years of experience.

The pamphlet had also outlined the costs and payment options. When she was sure no one was looking, Meredith had used a hospital computer to check the Human Resources website for the hospital and found that her insurance covered twenty sessions.

She hoped she would need to use far less than twenty.

But to use any at all, she would have to make an appointment.

'_Soon,'_ she told herself as she left the lounge.

After a week and a half, the scores were starting to spread out a bit. The rankings weren't changing several times daily like they had been in the first week. Cristina was leading, not that that was a surprise to anyone. Meredith and George were close to each other, within range to Cristina, but not within a point or two. Alex and Izzie were a dozen points or so behind them.

Meredith had been hoping to get some sleep the night before, stay up the next night working, sleep the following night and then power through the last two days. Unfortunately, she'd been up all the previous night, so her plan was off. If she slept through the coming night, she would have three days in front of her to get through, and she knew she wouldn't be able to do that when her body was already so strained by the competition.

She'd need a new strategy.

Letting herself out of the lounge, her internal strategizing was interrupted when her pager went off. She glanced at the small screen, praying it wasn't a trauma because she really just didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.

It wasn't a trauma.

She smiled at the words scrolling across her pager. Derek was paging her to his office.

It seemed like it had been days since she had seen him. They'd shared thirty seconds together that morning before she'd been paged. And about the same amount of time the day before. Before that, she couldn't even remember.

She hurried up to his office and let herself in.

Derek looked up from his desk and offered her a warm smile. "Hey, I wasn't sure if you were in surgery."

"Got out an hour ago. I finally escaped to have a shower."

"How are you feeling?"

"A little more human after the shower, but still exhausted." She walked around his desk to kiss him.

He hooked his arms around her and pulled her down so she sat sideways across his lap.

She didn't resist at all, simply let him pull her close. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"It's been a busy few days."

She nodded against him, not even bothering to open her eyes.

"Have you gotten any sleep?"

"Not last night. A little the night before."

He rubbed her back. "Just three more days."

"That's what I've been telling myself all morning."

He chuckled. "Not having any fun anymore?"

"No," she said flatly. "I hate this competition. I've had enough. I want to go home. I miss our condo. I miss our bed. I miss hot showers."

"I know you do. But you're doing amazing. And you're in the home stretch," he encouraged, ever her biggest cheerleader.

She sighed. "Can I stay here for a few minutes? I just need to..." She trailed off, uncertain of the words.

He tightened his arms around her. "You can stay as long as you need." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm proud of you. It's all going to be worth it when you win."

"You have a lot of faith in me winning."

"Why wouldn't I? You're the best resident in the hospital."

She laughed at that. "And you're biased."

"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean it isn't true."

She snuggled a little closer. "I like that you have faith in me."

He rested his chin on her head and sighed. "Always."

Meredith smiled to herself as she felt his warmth and closeness penetrate her body. She'd been cold all day, and her barely warm shower hadn't helped at all. But now she felt warm. He always made her feel warm. And safe. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too, Mer," he whispered back.

She decided in that moment that she would make the appointment that day. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she couldn't risk losing him. She would go to therapy and get rid of her insecurities.

The card was sitting there in her pocket. She debated pulling it out and showing him, but decided not to, not wanting to ruin the moment. She would go to the first appointment and see what it was like before she told him.

* * *

**Day Twelve**

"So, what brings you here?" Dr. Wyatt prompted after several minutes of silence. She had been friendly and welcoming when Meredith had arrived for her first foray into therapy. She had welcomed Meredith and offered her a drink before ushering her to a very comfortable couch with several colourful cushions. Dr. Wyatt had sat across from her on a well used chair, notepad in hand, expectant.

Meredith had avoided her gaze as she took in the room. A slightly cluttered desk sat in the corner, and several diplomas hung on the walls, but the room itself was very comfortable. Very colourful. Not at all what Meredith had expected. Her gaze had caught on a large fish tank across the room and stayed there until Dr. Wyatt's question.

She tore her eyes from the fish and met Dr. Wyatt's. "I...I'm not sure how to describe it. I'm not really sure I need to be here. I don't think I need therapy, but I need to do...something. So, maybe you could just tell me what I need to do?"

Dr. Wyatt offered her a warm smile. "Why don't you tell me what made you make an appointment and we'll go from there?"

Meredith opened her mouth, but nothing came out. How do you verbalize unwanted and inconsistent fears that flared up randomly, caused nightmares, made her over reactive and anxious to odd things and made her fear for her future abilities? She allowed her gaze to go back to the fish tank.

She hadn't particularly enjoyed her psychiatric clerkship in medical school, but she had learned that often the first response of the therapist was to go back to childhood.

She didn't want to talk about her childhood. She was over it. She needed to come up with the right way to explain that would keep the conversation on the present. She just needed some psych tricks.

Dr. Wyatt allowed her a minute or two before speaking again. "We don't have to focus on that right now. Let's start with you. Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself so I can get to know you?"

Meredith looked back at the therapist. "You probably know a lot from my hospital chart."

"I haven't read your chart. I'd rather get to know you from talking to you, not from reading a chart. If I feel it's necessary in the future, I will read it, but for now, I'd rather hear it from you."

Meredith released a breath, not knowing where to start.

"Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd," Wyatt prompted, "What would you like me to call you?"

That was an easy question. "Meredith is fine."

"And taking into account your title and the fact that you're sitting here wearing scrubs, I can only assume you work here."

Meredith smiled. Another easy question. "I'm a second year surgical resident."

Wyatt nodded and jotted down that information. "Enjoying the program?"

"For the most part. I'm in this competition right now, two weeks straight, so I'm a little exhausted."

"Yes, I've heard rumours of the competition. How are you doing?"

"I'm in second."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded.

"So, with this competition it's important to be on the floor as much as possible."

Again, Meredith nodded.

"That would mean whatever the reason you made this appointment is pretty important."

She was good, Meredith thought. She'd made Meredith walk right into that one. "I guess."

Wyatt paused for a moment before letting it go. "So, second year. Any ideas yet about a specialty?"

"A few. Neuro, maybe. Or general."

"Both good areas. I did a surgical clerkship once upon a time and it was fascinating."

Meredith nodded. "We aren't allowed to specialize until fourth year, so I still have time to decide." She didn't know why she felt a sudden jolt of defensiveness.

"Of course. It's a big decision; not something you want to jump into."

Meredith felt the defensiveness wash away.

"How do you get along with the other residents? As competitive as I hear?"

"It's definitely competitive, but I've made some really good friends. Four of the residents and I had the same resident when we were interns. We're all pretty close."

"That's good. Are you friends outside the hospital?"

"Yes. I actually used to live with most of them."

"Used to?"

"I moved out after I got married."

Wyatt offered her a smile. "You got married recently?"

"Five months ago."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"What's your husband like?"

"He's pretty amazing," she said, feeling a smile tug at her lips.

"Tell me about him."

"His name is Derek. Derek Shepherd. He works here, too."

Dr. Wyatt nodded in recognition.

"He's been really supportive of my crazy hours at work. And he's really thoughtful. And caring. He's really good with patients."

"How does he feel about you coming here?"

Meredith looked to the fish tank again. She wasn't exactly sure why she hadn't told Derek about any of this. Part of her wanted desperately to share and to see what he thought of it, but the other part wasn't so sure. She didn't want him to know she needed therapy. He had so much faith in her that she didn't want him to see how weak she really was.

"You haven't told him?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Why not?"

Meredith shrugged. "I guess I want to make sure I need to be here before I tell him."

"Do you think he would disapprove?"

"No." He would be supportive, just like he was for everything. But how long until he realized it was always him being supportive? How long until he had had enough waiting for their life to start? He'd already let her set the pace as their relationship had developed because she had been new to the whole concept. And he was so patient now with her schedule at work. He didn't need her to heap more onto the pile.

"Are you worried he'll think less of you?"

Again, she shrugged.

"Meredith?" Wyatt prompted.

Meredith turned back to her. "I don't know, okay?" She snapped.

Wyatt paused for a moment before nodding slowly. "Okay."

Meredith sighed and crossed her arms over her abdomen. She didn't want to be here anymore. This didn't seem at all productive. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. Maybe she didn't need any help.

"Are you from Seattle?"

"Sort of."

Wyatt met her eyes, but said nothing. She just waited.

Meredith quickly became uncomfortable with the silence and continued. "I was born here. My mom and I moved to Boston when I was five. I came back last year for this job."

"Just you and your mom moved?"

And there it was. "Yes," she said flatly, but did not offer any more information. She did not want to talk about Boston or her mother or her parents' divorce or...anything related to her childhood. She didn't need to. It wasn't relevant.

"And what about your father?"

Another topic she didn't want to discuss. "He stayed here."

She waited for the '_And how did that make you feel?'_ question, but it didn't come.

"Where did you go to school?"

"Dartmouth."

"That's a good school. Did you enjoy it?"

"I guess."

Wyatt frowned slightly and wrote a few things down.

"Do you have any interests outside the hospital?"

"Not really. Too busy here."

"Of course. Surgical residency is gruelling."

"Mmm-hmm," Meredith agreed.

"What are your plans for the future? Do you want to keep working here? Or maybe go back to Boston?"

"I like it here."

"And Derek? He likes it here?"

"Yes."

"What if you got an offer somewhere else, something you couldn't refuse?"

Meredith wasn't sure why this question was relevant, but she answered anyway. "We've talked about it. We'd go anywhere as long as there was a job for both of us."

Wyatt nodded and made a note.

"Is Derek from Seattle?"

"New York. He started the same day I did."

"Were you together before you moved here? Boston and New York aren't too far away."

"No, we met in Seattle. Just coincidence that we started the same day." She didn't mention that they hadn't met at work, but at the bar across from the hospital. She felt that the therapist probably wouldn't draw the right conclusions about their relationship if Meredith told her.

"What's his family like? Do you get along with them?"

"We get along well," she said, allowing a small smile to grace her lips. It was one thing she had to be proud of. She was capable of doing the family thing with the Shepherds. "He has a big family. Five sisters, who are all married with kids."

"That's a big family. Are you planning on having kids, too?"

"One day." She didn't say anything more and Wyatt didn't ask.

"It sounds like you have a good life."

Meredith nodded. She had more now than she would ever have so much as dreamed of only a year and a half ago. She had a career, a husband, good friends and a really nice place to live that felt like _home_.

"But something has driven you to come here."

Meredith looked to the fish tank. She didn't know what to say.

"Meredith," Wyatt said softly, "I want to help. You have to give me something to go on."

Meredith closed her eyes for a long moment. She didn't like talking about herself. It had taken a lot for her to open up to Derek. It had taken a lot of time, trust and love. She didn't know Wyatt. She definitely didn't trust her. And the last thing she wanted to do was open herself up to a stranger.

"Meredith?"

She opened her eyes and turned her attention back to Wyatt. "I don't know if I need to be here," she said, repeating what she had first said. "I don't know if it will help."

"It can't hurt. Look, I want to help. And I _can_ help. Anything you tell me is confidential. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so let's just start at the beginning."

"I don't want to talk about my childhood," she said quickly. "I don't want to talk about my parents."

"Okay," Wyatt agreed. "That wasn't actually the beginning I was referring to. What brought you here today?"

"I have some...issues. I think. I don't know..." She trailed off for a moment. "I'm fine most of the time, but then something will happen and I just..."

"Why don't you give me an example?"

"I agreed to this competition without really understanding that it would be two weeks straight, nights and everything. And it took me two days to tell Derek because I was afraid he'd be mad that I didn't talk to him first. It affects _us_, so I should have talked to him first."

"Was he upset?"

"No. He understood. In fact, he'd known the whole time. He was a surgical resident once, too, so he gets it. He said he wants me to compete and whatever."

"That's good of him. You seem to have a strong relationship."

"We do," she said, knowing it was the truth.

Wyatt made some notes. "Any other examples?"

"Last month Derek's friend spread a rumour that I was pregnant. Derek had played a practical joke on him, and he didn't think before he retaliated. I'm not mad, but the rumour... People were really cruel. Derek and I...sort of eloped. We were engaged and we went on vacation, and we got married while on vacation. We hadn't planned it ahead of time, but it was right for us. So, even though it was four months later, people were taking bets on whether we'd found out I was pregnant and that's why we'd gotten married. They thought I had trapped him or whatever. It was like no one thought I was good enough for him."

"And how did you react to this?"

"I was hurt. Really hurt. He's an attending, and we were basically together through my whole internship, which I get looks bad, but we were never... It was never some cheap thing. And I knew that some people looked down on us, but I never realised how many people. And I never realized it was more than just the intern-attending thing." She sighed. "I was really upset, like way more than necessary. And mean. I yelled at Mark, said some _really_ mean things. But it wasn't his fault, really. I mean, he started the rumour, but it wasn't his fault people took it where they did."

"How did the people closest to you react?"

"My friends knew the truth. My Chief Resident – she was my resident when I was an intern – told me to stop moping over hospital gossip and remember who I am. That...helped."

"Do you have a good relationship with your Chief Resident?"

"Dr. Bailey," Meredith supplied, "And...I guess. She's always been my immediate boss, so we're not friends exactly, but she's always been good to me."

"You sound like you look up to her."

"I do...I did. I don't know. She was always the person I looked to as a role model, I guess."

"You say that in past tense."

Meredith sighed. "I saw her as a good surgeon with a husband and a son at home. I thought she was doing it all."

"But..."

"But then her son was in an accident, almost a month ago, and her husband was here." She sighed. "They're getting a divorce because she was too focussed on surgery."

"So, you realized your role model wasn't what you thought."

"I guess."

"Are you afraid you're going to follow the same path?"

"I don't know." _Yes, desperately._

"Have you shared these fears with your husband?"

Meredith's pager went off, cutting her off before she could begin. She pulled it off her waistband to read the small screen. "I have to go," she told Wyatt. "My surgery was moved up."

"Okay. Why don't we meet tomorrow? I have an opening at two."

She wasn't sure if she wanted to meet again, but she didn't have time to argue, so she simply agreed and hurried out of the room.

* * *

**Day Thirteen**

Meredith sighed as she felt her breathing slow back down to normal, her heartbeat following suit. Behind her bare back, she could feel Derek's heartbeat through his chest. She smiled at the intimacy.

When she had caught his arm as he walked by and dragged him into the on call-room, she had meant to talk to him, to _tell_ him. After getting several hours of sleep the night before, she felt more human than she had in days. She had decided early that morning that she was going to tell him. But the moment the on-call room door was shut behind them, her throat shut as well. The words just wouldn't come out. _Derek, I'm in therapy. Derek, I'm way more screwed up than even I thought. Derek, I'm sorry you married an insecure freak._

His amused look at being dragged into the room quickly morphed into concern at her silence.

She had pressed her lips to his on instinct, knowing she wouldn't be able to not answer his questions if he had the opportunity to ask them, but also knowing she wasn't ready to answer them. That had led to the two of them lying naked together on the small on-call room bed, their clothes in a heap together on the floor.

She knew it was probably after 2PM now – her second scheduled appointment with Dr. Wyatt – but she couldn't bring herself to care. Nothing was more therapeutic than being in her husband's arms.

Nothing.

It made her feel so safe. She could let her mind wander in these moments, because nothing was as scary and everything was better.

Her sessions the day before had been intimidating, but she was surprised to realize now that it threatened her on two levels. One, she had said a lot. Not normally one to give up much personal details about herself to someone she was close to, let alone a stranger, she had said far more than she would have expected, and she wasn't sure how she felt about Wyatt knowing so much about her. This feeling, though, she understood and even expected. The second, however, was unexpected, because despite feeling exposed, she was proud of herself for taking these steps and she felt hopeful. Because for the first time she was doing something by herself and without anyone to lean on to help her.

She was jumping off the cliff by herself.

She didn't need a role model to prove therapy could work. And she didn't need Derek to hold her hand. And she didn't need her friends' approval. She had made this decision by herself and she had said things to Wyatt and she _was_ going to get better.

Derek shifted behind her. His hot breath hit the back of her neck before she felt his lips against her skin. "I just wanted to say that you can drag me out of the hall _whenever _you want if this is the result."

She giggled and pulled his arm tighter around herself. "It was kind of a spur of the moment thing."

"Well, we should make it a daily thing."

"It pretty much _is_ a daily thing with us." She faltered for a moment. "Well, other than these past two weeks."

"We'll just have to make up for it."

"Okay," she agreed easily, not that she had to think about it. "I want to thank you, Derek. These past two weeks have kind of sucked, but you've made it better. And you haven't made me feel bad once."

He kissed the back of her neck again. "Are you having the dark and twisties again?"

She smiled as any ounce of anxiety she may have had left lifted away. He was so _good._ "Not anymore."

"Good." He hugged her tighter. "I just want you to be happy."

Her heart tugged at his gentle tone. She didn't want to make him think she wasn't happy by telling him about the therapy. She would tell him, just not now. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too."

* * *

**Day Fourteen**

"You're late again," Wyatt stated when she opened the door to let Meredith into the room. She had been half an hour late the day before, due to spending time with Derek in the on-call room, though she had told Wyatt she had been stuck with a patient.

"Sorry," Meredith said. "I've got this patient who was attacked by a bear. I actually have him lined up for an MRI because I just _know_ he has a brain tumour. They're going to page me when it's ready."

Wyatt frowned, but accepted Meredith prepared excuse for why she wouldn't be able to stay for long.

Meredith plopped herself down onto the couch. It was the last day of the contest and she couldn't wait to _finally_ be able to go home. Derek had promised to take her out for a victory dinner that night, and she was looking forward to a non-cafeteria meal, regardless of whether she won or not.

Not that she didn't want to win.

"How is the contest going?" Wyatt asked as she sat onto her chair across from Meredith.

"Once I diagnose my bear attack guy with a brain tumour and get my eighty points for solving a medical mystery, there's no way anyone could beat me."

Wyatt sighed in that way that told Meredith she wasn't entirely amused with her statement. "What makes you think he has a brain tumour?" It had become normal that she start sessions by easing Meredith into talking. Meredith recognized what she was doing, but she didn't make any moves to stop it. She recognized that she wouldn't be able to just jump in, so she allowed Wyatt to ask the easy questions.

"He provoked a bear and married his rebound girl."

"Care to explain that a little more? I'm no surgeon, but I did go to medical school. I don't remember provoking bears or marrying a rebound girl as symptoms of brain tumours."

"No, but impulsivity and spontaneity _are_ symptoms. He touched a cub, even thought he knew better, and he got married after knowing her for ten days. No one does that."

Wyatt frowned and made some notes on her pad of paper. "Do you think it's a little unreasonable that you find out someone got married after ten days and you jump to brain tumour?"

"He also has limited peripheral vision, and very small and illegible handwriting," she said defensively.

"Which symptom first caught your attention?"

Meredith felt her brow furrow. "Well, I guess the marriage thing. But that was after I knew about the bear thing, so together..." She trailed off, meeting Wyatt's gaze. "This isn't about me," she said defensively. "I know I got married on the spur of the moment, too, but it's not the same."

"How is it different?"

"It's... I..." She huffed. "It just is."

"Tell me how it's different."

Meredith crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you saying I'm not good at my job?"

Wyatt let her notepad drop onto her knees as she met Meredith's gaze. "I'm sure you're very competent, Meredith. And your patient may have a brain tumour, but just because you may be right doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to tell me why this particular symptom first caught your notice."

Meredith sighed, but kept her arms crossed. "I don't know. It just seemed...strange. He was _too_ happy."

"Okay, that's a good start. Is being too happy bad?"

"No. It's just not real."

"Do you ever think you're too happy?"

She shook her head. "No. I mean, I am happy a lot, now. Derek makes me happy. And my friends make me happy. And my job, usually, anyway. But I'm not happy all the time. I'm not able to be outwardly happy with my wife when I have literal holes in my hand from a bear cub's teeth and my brother was eviscerated by its mother."

"That's reasonable. Do you think it's possible not to be outwardly happy, but to remain generally happy with your life even when something really bad happens?"

Meredith considered the question. "I..." It wasn't easy to answer. "I don't know," she said finally.

"Why don't you know?"

"I'm not sure," she said truthfully.

"Okay." Wyatt picked up her discarded pad of paper and made some notes. "You said you were happy. Tell me about that."

"I guess I feel safe," she said. "And loved. And that's...nice."

"You said before that you were happy _now_. What's different between then and now?"

"Everything."

"Care to go into some detail?"

"I have a husband. I have friends. I have a job that I'm good at. I have a _home_. I'm...happy." She loved and was loved. She had learned to let people in. She had learned to experience intimacy and trust. She was able to look into the future and see something.

"And when something bad happens, say when your Chief Resident's son was injured, what happens?"

"I freak out," she said. "I nose dive, or whatever."

"But are you still happy with your life?"

"I...yes," she said, thinking back to the day Tucker was hurt. Derek had been there. And her friends. They had stuck around Bailey for support. She had been grateful to be able to do something to help. And she had been grateful for Derek. She'd gone to him for comfort and he'd given it to her.

"Is it possible that you don't know how to be secure in your life _and_ deal with a trauma at the same time? Is it possible you don't believe it's possible to be both at the same time, and yet you're feeling both at the same time and don't know how to deal with those feelings?"

Wyatt's words hit home. '_Maybe nothing has changed,_' Izzie had said to her five months earlier on a balcony in Hawaii as Meredith had struggled to understand why she had run from Derek after Cristina's failed marriage attempt, _'Maybe that's why you can't figure it out.'_ At the time, it had pushed Meredith in the right direction to eventually get on a plane and get herself to Derek in New York, but she hadn't stopped much afterwards to consider her actions. She tried to explain to Derek, who forgave her easily. And then they got married and she didn't think of it again.

Now she saw what happened with Bailey as a simple repeat of five months ago. She'd put too much weight in needing a role model, and was shattered when the role model's life didn't turn out as Meredith had wanted. Had _needed._

She needed to stop doing that. She needed to stop needing a role model.

Life wasn't perfect, but she was _happy_. Not all the time, but overall, she was happy.

And maybe Wyatt was right. Maybe she didn't know how to be both.

But she wanted to learn.

Meredith released a heavy sigh, suddenly certain she was going to meet that twenty session maximum with her insurance. "How do I fix it?"

Wyatt opened her mother to respond, but Meredith's pager cut her off.

"My patient's MRI is about to start," Meredith announced as she glanced at her pager.

"Meredith, I really need for you to stay for this session."

"I have to go diagnose a brain tumour and win my contest." She stood and made her way to the door before she paused and turned back. "But I will come back, after the contest. And I will try my best to stay for an entire session."

Wyatt offered her a wry smile. "And be on time?"

She smiled back. "I'll try."

Hours later, after she had diagnosed her medical mystery, referred her patient to a new clinical trial for malignant gliomas that she found online, won the contest and was awarded a sparkle pager that allowed her to take Cristina's, Alex's, George's and Izzie's surgeries for the next month, and had a shower, Meredith finally pulled on clothes that weren't scrubs and left the Residents' Lounge knowing she didn't have to be back for more than thirty-six hours. The following day was Thanksgiving and she and Derek had booked it off months ago. She was grateful Bailey scheduled the contest to end before Thanksgiving, because she had been looking forward to the holiday for weeks.

At first they had talked about having everyone who wasn't working over for dinner, but in the end they decided to celebrate the holiday in their new home, just the two of them. It was their first major holiday as a married couple, after all.

Derek's name was listed on the OR Board, but for a procedure that should have finished by now, even if there had been complications. It was late, and as the next day was a holiday with no scheduled procedures, she assumed that no one had had a chance to erase it yet.

She was right. She only made it half way to the OR floor to look for her husband when he appeared in front of her down the hall.

The moment he turned the corner and met her eyes, he smiled.

"Well?" He asked as she got closer.

She smiled slyly at him before pulling the sparkle pager out of her pocket. "I won!"

He laughed as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her in one swooping motion, going so far as to lift her feet off the ground. She didn't even care that they were in the middle of the hospital and people were probably watching them.

"I told you!"

She laughed. "You were right."

He set her feet down onto the floor and then kissed her. "You're amazing. The brain tumour put you over the top?"

She nodded. "Eighty points."

He beamed at her.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head, though the smile didn't so much as fade a bit, "I'm just so freaking proud of you."

She couldn't help but smile back at him; a big, manic smile that almost hurt her cheeks. "I can't believe it's over."

"I told you we'd be having a victory dinner out tonight." He paused as he considered her. "Unless you just want to go home and sleep? You must be exhausted." His eyes narrowed slightly as he met her gaze, his own filled with both hope that she would say yes and understanding if she needed to say no.

She was exhausted. Every single cell in her body was exhausted. But his enthusiasm was contagious. They _both_ needed this. "Are you kidding? I want the victory champagne you promised me."

"Victory champagne it is."

"And cheesecake."

He laughed. "And cheesecake."

* * *

_**AN: I worked hard to make sure certain points come across clearly in this chapter, both in therapy and out. I think one of Meredith's biggest issues in the show was trust, and in this universe she and Derek were able to build a secure relationship pre-therapy because he never gave her reason not to trust him. But her past is still the same. She's never done this before and she's not always confident she's doing it well. This is why I had to stick to Susan's storyline at the end of S3 (which I hated doing) and have Meredith run off with Izzie and Cristina to Hawaii, even if the running was short lived. It was why Meredith had to react so strongly to Bailey's situation.**_

_**Meredith is doing all the things she never expected to be doing, and she's struggling because she's a partner in a marriage, but doesn't always feel capable of being an **__**equal**__** partner (an issue I've brought up a few times throughout this fic – Chapter 20 being the most prominent). But she is going to figure things out, and Derek is going to be there for her. He's got a history as well, remember, of always trying to be the strong one, so he needs to learn that his wife needs something different from him now. He's going to want desperately to help, but he needs to learn/understand that she **__**needs**__** to do this herself.**_

_**I really want to thank everyone who read the first chapter, whether it be four years ago or recently, and is still reading now, 120 chapters later. I'm still not sure of where I'm going to end it, but I'm pretty sure I've decided on the how.**_

_**Lastly, I'm way behind on responding to reviews (SORRY!), but I read and appreciate every single one. I plan on answering a few repetitive questions in the AN of the next chapter, so if you have any questions you want addressed, let me know.**_


	121. Second Thanksgiving

_**AN: This is the first official 'second' I've written for this fic. The second Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy. It's all Meredith and Derek. Lots of fluff, with only a little angst that's not really all that angsty. The questions I said I'd be addressing can be found at the bottom of the chapter.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

* * *

When Meredith awoke, her mouth felt pasty and dry, her back was sore from lying in the same position for so long and her head hurt in that way that told her she had been sleeping for too long. And yet, she _still _felt exhausted.

Two weeks straight at the hospital will do that to you.

With a groan, she rolled onto her side and stared at the empty spot next to her. Derek had definitely been there when she had fallen asleep – they had continued her victory celebration in bed after getting home from the restaurant, and when they had finished, she had practically cocooned herself into his arms and closed her eyes – but his warm, naked body wasn't there now. It was awfully bright in the bedroom, though, despite the lights being off and the blinds shut. It had to be late morning, or even early afternoon.

Knowing he was a morning person, she couldn't fault him for having left her in bed. He had probably woken hours earlier.

Squinting, she stared across the bed to read the digits off of the clock on his bedside table. 12:09. That meant she had slept for...

Hmm.

It had been dark when they had returned from the restaurant, but not middle-of-the-night-dark. Evening dark, as if the sun had recently disappeared below the horizon. But it was late November, so that didn't really mean it had been _late_. And then after they got home, they'd continued celebrating her victory in bed. How long had that taken? It hadn't lasted as long as it sometimes did, but definitely wasn't quick. And they'd only gone one round.

With a sigh, Meredith gave up trying to come up with a time she may or may not have fallen asleep the night before. She'd slept for at least twelve hours, she concluded. That should be enough, but she knew after the last two weeks, it would take a few days before she felt caught up. Or, as caught up as she could, being that she was a surgical resident.

She yawned as sleep tugged at her mind. She closed her eyes and toyed with the idea of going back to sleep – it would be _so_ easy – but she decided against it. She could catch up on sleep later when she didn't have an entire day to spend with her husband.

It was Thanksgiving, after all. It was also the first day she and Derek had off together in weeks. And she had already wasted hours of it sleeping.

Summoning all of her available energy, Meredith forced herself to roll over and get out of bed. She padded into the en-suite bathroom to relieve herself and brush her teeth. She toyed with the idea of a shower, but decided to wait. Maybe she'd convince Derek to join her for a shower later.

Instead, she returned to the bedroom and pulled on underwear, sweatpants and her Dartmouth tee shirt. It may be Thanksgiving, but she was determined to be thankful for being able to lounge all day in comfortable clothes.

She found Derek in the kitchen. His back was turned to her as he faced the stove. Quiet music played from the iPod dock in the living room, so she wasn't sure if he had heard her descent along the stairs. Most of the lower floor that she could see as she approached the kitchen was relatively tidy, with enough out of place to show it was lived in. A half full glass on the table beside the couch. The television on mute as a football game played on the screen. The remote for the television dropped on the coffee table. A throw blanket loosely folded on one of the lazy boys. A stack of mail sitting on the table by the front door, with a single letter having fallen to the floor.

_Home._ She hadn't realized just how much she had missed it.

She stopped briefly to pick up the letter from the floor, but paused before replacing it on the pile. It was just an ordinary bill from the phone company, but it was addressed to them both – _Dr. Derek Shepherd and Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd –_ and that made her smile. She placed the bill on the table and continued to the kitchen. Derek was still facing away from her. She assumed he was doing something to the turkey. The counters around him were littered with food packages, bowls, books and notes. It looked like a calmer version of Izzie had hit the room.

Without hesitating, Meredith walked up behind Derek and snaked her hands around his waist. He was warm and solid to her touch, and he smelled like _Derek_. She pressed her body close to his with a sigh.

"Morning," he greeted, not having flinched at the contact. He must have heard her coming.

"Morning," she echoed, pressing her face into the space between his shoulder blades and inhaling through his thin tee shirt. He had apparently agreed with her on attire for the day, as he was wearing sweatpants and his Bowdoin tee shirt. "You should have woken me up."

He chuckled. "I was afraid to try, with those tiny, ineffectual fists and all."

She giggled. "You could have reminded me it was Thanksgiving."

"Then you probably would have told me you were thankful for your sleep."

"You may have a point. But I'm thankful for you, too."

He leaned back into her for a moment. "I'm thankful for you, too, Mer."

She pressed a kiss to the space between his should blades, and then one to his left shoulder, and then she reached up on her tip-toes as far as she could and managed to press a kiss right below his ear. "I'm so glad to be home," she whispered.

"Me too."

Returning to her previous position, she tightened her grip around him and sighed. "What are you doing?"

"Basting the turkey."

"Need help?"

He laughed. "Not if we actually want to eat it."

She grumbled against his back. "Mean."

"Do I not have a point?"

She said nothing in response.

He patted her hands over his abdomen. "I have to put the turkey back in the oven."

Reluctantly releasing her hold, she backed away to lean against the counter and watched as he opened the over door and slid the turkey back in. When he turned around to face her, he smirked. "I'll let you help with something else. How about the mashed potatoes?"

She crossed her arms over her chest as he approached her. "So, let me get this straight. You'll trust me to assist you in the OR when dealing with someone's brain, but in the kitchen all you trust me to do is beat the crap out of some potatoes with a stick?"

"A potato masher," he corrected.

"Not the point."

"Do I need to actually agree with you?" He stopped just inches away from her and raised an eyebrow. "I thought the question was rhetorical," he teased.

"I don't like you very much," she retorted.

He chortled. "Well, I happen to like you very much, despite your questionable cooking skills." He ducked his head and pressed a kiss to her lips. "In fact, I may just love you."

She smiled between kisses. "I may just love you, too, despite the fact that you're a big meanie."

"A meanie?" He laughed. "I don't think I've been called that since grade school."

It was her turn to smirk. "I can call you a grown up equivalent if you want."

He laughed again, shaking his head. "I'm good, but thanks for the offer."

She laughed, too, and reached for him. She grasped the fabric of his shirt in her hands and pulled her to him. He moved easily, pressing her back into the counter behind her and kissing her soundly. She ran her hands over his unshaven cheeks and then into his hair. His hands found her hips as he deepened the kiss. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to fall into the kiss. He was so warm and solid against her. And she had missed him so much. And right now she just wanted to-

He pulled away abruptly.

She opened her eyes to meet his. "What is it?" She asked.

He stepped back so he was about a foot away from her, his head cocked to the side. "I hear...something."

Meredith turned her head side to side, but heard nothing. "I don't hear anything." His hands were still on her hips, and she could still _feel_ his body pressed to hers. She tugged at his tee shirt, wanting him close again. They had so much time to make up for. He acquiesced long enough to peck her lips, but pulled away again.

"I definitely hear something beeping. Did you bring your pager down?"

She glanced at the other counter where his pager sat. Alone. She sighed. "No. Crap." She extracted herself from his arms and hurried for the stairs. The last thing she wanted today was to go into the hospital. She freaking deserved a day off after the last two weeks. And she wanted desperately to spend some quality time with her husband. She had planned on lots of kissing, sex, cuddling and eating turkey. She had not planned on working.

Her pager was sitting on her bedside table. She snatched it off the table and held it up, praying it was something simple. Something a phone call could fix. Maybe one of her interns had a question. Or she forgot to sign something that could wait until tomorrow. Instead, there was nothing. The pager had not gone off.

"Maybe Derek's hearing things," she mumbled to herself. There weren't any missed messages on the pager. Pager still in her hand, she was turning to leave the room when she heard a slightly muffled beeping. It definitely _sounded_ like a pager. But both hers and Derek's were accounted for. She stared at the silent pager in her hand as the beeping continued to sound in the room. What was-

In a flash, she realized what was making the noise. Her new pager. The sparkle pager she had won the night before. She must have left it in her purse.

Finding her purse on the floor by her side of the bed, she reached in and extracted the sparkle pager. She peered at the small screen, smiled, and stopped the alarm. She would have to get used to this going off regularly over the next two months.

Taking both pagers with her, she returned to the kitchen.

"Do you have to go in?" Derek asked. His upbeat demeanour had fallen since he had playfully pushed her up against the counter and kissed her after making fun of her cooking skills. He so obviously wanted to spend the day with her, but was trying not to make her feel bad if she had to work.

His expression tugged at her heart. She knew how lucky she was to have him and how important it was not to take advantage of his understanding nature. She would go into the hospital only if she had to. And right now she didn't have to.

"Nope," she announced, striding across the kitchen to the counter she had been leaning against before. This time she hoisted herself onto the counter, letting her legs dangle over the side, as if to prove she wasn't going anywhere. "It's just Cristina offering me an appendectomy."

He raised an eyebrow. "Cristina is offering you a surgery?"

She nodded. "She has to. Because she lost."

He sidled up to her, smiling now that he knew she wasn't leaving. "Care to explain?"

She brandished the sparkle pager at him. "This has magical powers, and I won it in the contest."

Derek took the small device. "It's very pink and sparkly," he commented.

"And magical. For the next two months Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex have to page it and offer me any surgeries they get."

He whistled. "That's definitely worth two weeks in the hospital."

She nodded.

"So, you don't want the appy?"

He cocked her head and met his eyes. "Derek, I wouldn't go in for a solo hemispherectomy today."

He smiled softly at her. "No?"

She shook her head. "No. It's thanksgiving. And I want to spend thanksgiving with my husband. No hospital. No surgeries."

He pushed between her dangling legs and wrapped his arms around her. The height of the counter put her a couple inches above him. He tucked his chin into the crook of her neck and sighed. She hooked her legs around his and wrapped her arms around his neck, enjoying being able to do so without stretching upwards. The added height was a nice change.

"I missed you," he practically breathed as his arms closed around her. "I know I saw you every day, but-"

"It wasn't the same," she finished for him. They hadn't been able to do _this_. They had had sex a few times and had even managed a single night in each others' arms, but that had all been at the hospital with the constant threat of being called to work. _This_ was different. _This_ was special. The intimacy they were able to share through hugs and kisses in their home was something Meredith had never realized existed not so long ago. Sex with him was amazing, definitely the best she'd ever had, but sometimes she wondered if she preferred these moments because they were filled with things she'd never experienced with anyone else before. In the Dictionary of Meredith, these moments were stored under the definition of _love_.

"It wasn't the same," he agreed, tilting his head forward for a moment to place a kiss where his chin had been resting.

She ran her hands up and down his back. "Thank you for being so understanding, Derek. I know it can't be easy to put up with my schedule."

"It's not a problem," he assured.

"It's not a problem because you don't make it a problem." She pressed her hands to his shoulders to push him back far enough to meet his eyes, and then she slid her hands up to cup her face. "You could make it a problem, but you don't. Because you're _you_. And I want you to know that I appreciate it." He had a history of ignoring his own feelings and allowing himself to be taken for granted. She wasn't about to let him do that with her. He would feel appreciated with her. And she was determined to be as strong for him as he was or her.

"It's really not a big deal."

She rolled her eyes. "Such a man," she commented.

He chuckled.

"It's a big deal to me," she told him. "You could have made me feel guilty, but you didn't. You encouraged me. You helped me. You brought me clean clothes. You brought coffee for me, and everyone else, to keep it fair. You cheered me on. And it's not just the last two weeks. You're always supportive and you don't have to be." Holding his head still with her hands, she leaned in and kissed him. "You're so good to me, Derek Shepherd. And I need to know that you know that I notice and appreciate it all."

He offered her a soft smile. "You deserve it," he told her, his eyes shining with the unconditional love she doubted she'd ever be used to enough to take for granted.

She kissed him again. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

His smile grew as it took on a tender quality. He brushed a few strands of hair from her face. "I think I might, especially if it's anywhere near how much I love you."

She leaned her forehead into his, closed her eyes and sighed, her hands still cupping his cheeks. His fingers wrapped themselves around her wrists, but didn't make any move to tug her hands away. He too sighed and leaned into her.

Two weeks was a long time to be away from home, especially so early in their marriage. She was encouraged by how strong they were now. He would have let her go to the hospital for the appy if she had wanted to. And he would have made their Thanksgiving dinner himself. And when she got home, he wouldn't have made her feel bad at all. He would have asked about her surgery and encouraged her to take the next one she was offered as well.

But that wasn't what she wanted. What she wanted, and wanted desperately, was to be as supportive of him as he was of her. She wanted him to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just how devoted she was, not only to their relationship, but to him. She wanted to be as devoted to him as he was to her. He'd told her he felt like he could be himself with her, that he trusted she loved _him_. And she did. She really, really did. She just wanted him to know that she could be there for him, too. And not just short term. Not just while he was freaking out for a few weeks after she almost drowned. Forever.

Maybe now was the right time to tell him. Three sessions down and she was pretty sure Wyatt had gotten a grasp on her issue, even if Meredith hadn't been able to voice it herself. Fixing it was the next step. She wanted Derek to know how hard she was trying.

"Happy Thanksgiving," he murmured before she could say a word. "I don't think I said it before."

"Happy Thanksgiving," she echoed, her forehead still pressed to his. "I have a lot to be thankful for. Even more than last year." She could remember wanting to be thankful the year before, but everything – her relationship, her friends, her job – had been too new. She had been hesitant and unable to trust in their permanency. But Derek had promised her a next year, and it had given her hope and strength to look into the future. It hadn't been the first time she had imagined a future with him, but it may have been the first time she had _believed_ in a future with him. "I'm thankful for you, Derek."

Not moving his forehead from hers, he tilted his head to brush his nose against hers. "I'm thankful for you, too, Mer. Every day."

She smiled as her heart swelled in her chest. _This_ was what she was fighting for. _This _was the future she was determined to have. She just had to get over her issues, figure out how to be her own role model, and learn to believe in herself as much as she did him. She doubted it would be easy, but she was on her way.

A beeping sounded from beside them, causing Meredith to jump slightly as the intimate moment was broken unexpectedly.

Derek reached for the sparkle pager he had set down onto the counter before embracing her earlier. "OR's busy today."

She took the pager from him and read the small screen. "Alex this time." She shook her head. "Why are they working today? Haven't they had enough hospital time?" She turned off the beeping and set the pager back down.

"What was he offering?"

She shrugged. "Didn't say."

"And you don't want to know?"

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled him close to kiss him. "I told you; today I don't care. I'm not going in unless I absolutely don't have a choice. Understand?"

He chuckled. "I understand."

She kissed him again, still clutching his shirt. "Good."

He swatted playfully at her hands. "You can let me go. I'm not going anywhere."

"But look how useful this is," she explained, tugging him close again, so that his lips were inches from hers. "It makes it so easy to kiss you."

He closed to space between their lips without any help. "It's always easy to kiss you."

"That's because you're taller."

"Not right now." He proved it by standing upright and holding up a hand to brush from the top of her head to his.

"No, not right now," she agreed, "But usually it's you who's taller. I don't always have a counter to sit on."

"I like you at this height," he told her, a playful glint in his eyes.

"And why is that?"

"I don't have to bend down to do this," he said, finding a few inches of her neck with his mouth and sucking gently. "And I barely have to bend down to do this." He ducked his head and pressed his face into the hollow between her breasts. The slight stubble on his cheeks rubbed at the sensitive skin through her thin tee shirt.

She giggled. "Such a man," she teased for the second time.

He lifted his head to day something, but was cut off by her stomach growling. He raised an eyebrow. "Hungry?"

She laughed, a hand going to her stomach as she felt her cheeks heat slightly from the volume of the noise. "Apparently."

"It is almost one in the afternoon. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Breakfast at one in the afternoon?"

"Okay, what do you want for lunch?"

She laughed. "When will the turkey be ready?"

"It hasn't been in long. I think around six."

"You think?"

He shrugged. "I've never cooked a Thanksgiving meal before."

"But...you're... You're Mr. Holiday and Family guy. How could you not have done this before?"

"I've watched. And helped, but every Thanksgiving, or Christmas, I wasn't working I was at my mom's." He chuckled. "Except one year where she broke her arm. I offered to host Thanksgiving..." He shook his head. "I should revise my statement. I've never successfully cooked a Thanksgiving meal before. Nancy got food poisoning."

She narrowed her eyes. "And you're expecting me to eat this meal?"

"That's what the cookbook is for," he said, motioning to the book sitting open on the counter. "And I may have called my mom to confirm a few things."

She laughed. "Thank you for the effort. I'm sure it will be great."

He nodded. "So, lunch?"

"Are you hungry, too?" She asked, jumping off the counter.

"A little."

She opened the fridge and rummaged through the crispers. "How about bacon and eggs?"

He made a face.

She rolled her eyes. "It's a holiday," she reminded.

"Okay," he conceded, holding out his hand.

She offered him a smile, but did not hand over the items she had pulled from the fridge. Instead she plopped the bacon, eggs and butter onto the counter next to the stove. "You make dinner, I'll make lunch."

"Will we be able to eat lunch?" He asked playfully.

She mock-glared at him. "You just told me the last time you made Thanksgiving dinner you gave your sister food poisoning, and you're questioning my ability to fry up bacon and eggs?"

"Can I supervise, at least?"

"Ass," she muttered, turning away from him to pull two frying pans out of the lower cupboard.

He chuckled at her name calling.

"How do you want the eggs?"

"Over easy is fine."

She set to work cracking eggs and laying out the bacon. She even pretended not to notice when he turned down the burner she had placed the eggs on when he thought she couldn't see. When everything was cooking nicely, she felt his arms snake around her waist. She sighed and leaned back into him, in a reverse of their earlier position when it had been him at the stove and her behind. Apparently she wasn't the only one who had missed these moments together.

He rested his chin on her shoulder as he stood with her. At first she thought he was watching over her shoulder, but a quick glance revealed that his eyes were shut. It may only be lunch she was making, but she smiled at the trust he had in her minimal cooking skills. Though, to be fair, he had taught her how to make this meal.

It warmed her heart that he just wanted to be close to her. She pushed the bacon around the pan and then leaned back into his chest and closed her eyes as well, one hand holding the spatula and the other clutching onto his hands at her abdomen.

This was what she wanted. Partnership. Togetherness. Acceptance.

This was what she wanted forever.

"I'm in therapy."

She didn't plan on saying it in that moment. She didn't know she was going to say it until the words left her mouth. And then the words were out there and there was no more decision to make.

For a long moment neither of them moved. She had said it so quietly that she wondered if maybe he hadn't heard. But then his chest heaved against her back as he inhaled. "You're...what?" He asked, his chin still on her shoulder and his arms around her waist.

She said nothing, frozen in the moment following the words she couldn't take back. She had always planned on telling him. She had just expected to be more prepared, to have her thoughts in order.

He hugged her tighter for a moment before releasing her altogether. She kept her eyes on the frying pans as he moved into her peripheral vision.

"Mer?" He prompted softly as he tucked himself against the counter, as close to her and the stove he could get without getting burned.

She flipped over the eggs and then cautiously lifted her gaze to meet his, unsure of what she would find. Love and concern stared back at her. No judgement.

"I'm in therapy," she repeated.

He pursed his lips, as if poised to ask a question – _Why? Since When? Why didn't you tell me? – _but in the end he asked nothing. "Mer," he said again, his tone tender and soft. He was clearly at as much a loss as she was. And that made her feel a little better about the whole thing. He always seemed to know what to say, in every situation, so him being at a loss made her feel like it was okay that she was, too.

"I didn't mean to not tell you," she explained, deciding this was the best starting point. The easiest starting point. "I just wanted to make sure I could get my mind around it before I told you. I...I didn't know what to say."

"And now?"

She offered him a slight smile. "I still can't completely get my mind around it, and I still don't know what to say, but I can't not tell you." In the hospital, during the competition, it hadn't been too hard to keep the information from him. She'd been busy and they'd had very minimal time to spend together. But now she was home, and they had all day together, just the two of them, and she couldn't not tell him. It had taken time, but she had learned to tell him things as their relationship had progressed. She had even learned to like telling him things, to like knowing that he knew things.

The bacon sizzled on the pan, drawing her attention. She poked at it and decided it was almost done. Moving away from the stove for a moment, she popped some bread into the toaster and grabbed two plates from the cupboard before returning. She scooped the eggs onto the plates and set them down by the stove to wait for another minute or two for the bacon to be ready. Derek didn't say a word the entire time. She cautiously met his gaze, but she couldn't quite make out what she saw in it. Love and concern, yes, but also something else. Something similar to the despair she had seen in the weeks following her near drowning.

The corners of his mouth twitched. She responded with a tight smile, and her heart tugged when he smiled back. After a year and a half together, it wasn't often that they didn't know what to say to each other. It was awkward and unlike them, but still, Meredith felt relief simply at knowing that he _knew_. She didn't like keeping things from him.

The toaster popped out the toast, breaking the moment between them. Meredith retrieved the toast and added them to the plates. She then divvied up the bacon and turned off the burner. When both plates were set, she offered one to Derek.

He took it silently, his eyes dark. She was thrown off that she didn't know what he was thinking. Maybe telling him had been a bad idea. Maybe the whole thing was a bad idea. He must be rethinking things. He must be asking himself how he could have married someone like her. She opened her mouth to apologize and to promise a quick resolution, but he spoke before she did.

"Did I do something wrong?"

His words didn't shock her nearly as much as the vulnerable tone he used to say them.

"What? No. Derek, this has nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me? I'm your husband. I'm supposed to be there for you."

"You _are_ there for me-"

"You're supposed to know that you can come to me for _anything_."

She felt her lips quiver slightly, so she clamped her upper incisors down to keep it still for the time being. She quickly placed her plate on the counter and took Derek's out of his hands to place it on the counter as well. She should have known he wouldn't blame her and would instead blame himself.

"Derek," she said softly, stepping up to him. She paused before touching him, for the first time in a very long time uncertain of how to do so. She cautiously laid her hands down on his chest and met his eyes. "You are the best husband I could ever ask for. You are the best person I know. You make me feel safe." She swallowed hard as a lump formed in her throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to follow. "You have done _nothing_ wrong," she told him with as much conviction as she could muster. "I know you would do anything in your power to help me, but for this... For this, I need someone else to help me."

His eyes weren't quite as dark when he lifted his hands to cup her cheeks. "I thought you were doing okay. I thought I helped. I know you were worried about Bailey, and the contest, but I thought I helped."

She slid her hands up his chest to his shoulders and then down his arms so she was gripping his wrists as he continued to cup her face. "You _did_ help, Derek. You help me every day. You do the right things, and you say the right things and you talk me off the edge. And you make me feel safer and more loved that I've ever felt for my whole life." She ignored the tears as they started to slowly snake their way down her cheeks. "But, Derek, even with all you do for me, I _still_ struggle with some things. And that's not right. That's not good. It causes problems and-"

"It doesn't," he insisted. "I can help you."

Her heart clenched at his insistence because she understood its aetiology. He thought he had failed her. She needed to find the words to explain better. She needed to make him understand.

"You _do_ help," she repeated. "Trust me, Derek, I don't know where I'd be right now without you. But I need to fix some things. And I need a kind of help you can't give me, no matter how much I _know_ you want to." She tried to offer him a smile, but it died on her lips. "I'm still going to need you to help me," she explained. "I still need my husband, because I can't do this without him. I need his support and his love and his kindness."

With a sharp exhale, he dropped his hands from her face and hugged her to him. "Always, Mer. You will _always_ have me. I just... I want to..."

"Shhh," she whispered, melting into his embrace as she hugged him back. "I know."

"I love you so much."

"I know that, too," she assured him. "Trust me, Derek, if there's one thing in this world I'm sure of, it's that."

"I don't want you to be afraid."

She leaned back in his arms far enough to meet his eyes. "I don't want to be either." She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I know you think time will prove to me that everything will work out, but I don't want to look back and realize everything worked out, I want to be able to look forward and _know_ it's going to work out. I want to be as confident about everything as you are. I want to be able to support you like you support me."

"That doesn't matter to me."

"But it matters to _me_."

"Meredith..."

She shook her head, motioning for him to listen. "I need to be equal in this, Derek. I get that you've always been the strong one, and I get that you're more than willing to do that with me, but it's not what _I_ want. I want to be able to be the strong one." She offered him a soft smile. "I want us to be strong together. We're great now, but if I don't work through this, it's going to cause problems. Maybe not now, and maybe not even soon, but one day it will. I know it. And I absolutely refuse to risk _this_," she emphasized her point by laying her hand on his chest, right over his heart, "for anything. So, I'm seeing a therapist. Her name is Dr. Wyatt. And I want to be able to tell you about my sessions. And I want to know that you're okay with it." She paused and met his eyes. "And I absolutely do not want you thinking this is in any way your fault. Because it's not. You're the reason I'm strong enough to get help, not the reason I need it."

He took a deep breath and then tenderly raised his hands to brush the tears from her cheeks. He finished by brushing his thumb across her lips. "Do you...want to tell me about it?" He asked quietly.

She felt the tightness in her chest release at his acceptance. She nodded. "I do."

"I...I want to hear about it. I'm not sure I understand, but I want you to be able to talk to me."

He was trying so hard. The lump in her throat grew and she couldn't help but hug him fiercely. "Thank you, Derek," she whispered. "Thank you for trying to understand." She knew how hard this must be for him. She knew how intimidating it must be to him that she was seeking help elsewhere than him. She would ensure he knew how important he was to her and how much she needed him.

He hugged her back just as tight.

"I still need my husband," she repeated her earlier statement, knowing he was more apt to _hear_ her now. "I still need your help. I just need some extra help now, from someone more objective."

He tilted his head and pressed a kiss to her temple before releasing her. She offered him a grateful smile before picking up the discarded lunch plates and motioning that he follow her to the kitchen table. She heard the cutlery drawer slide open as he retrieved utensils before joining her at the table.

He sat in the chair next to her and pulled it as close as he could. She smiled at the movement. "So, uh, how long?"

"Three sessions," she told him. "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday of this week. Though, none of them were full sessions. I got paged on Monday, I was late on Tuesday, and then I was late and got paged on Wednesday."

"Is it... helping?"

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Not yet, but it will. I think she gets...what I need help with."

He said nothing, and she knew it wasn't because he didn't want to ask, but was because he didn't know _how_ to ask.

"She's pointed out some patterns. I don't always react to things the way I want to. And I rely too much on other people."

"You can always rely on me."

She smiled her first full, genuine smile since the conversation had begun. "I know," she said honestly, "But that's actually not what I mean. I rely too much on other people as role models or whatever. I guess I never had one growing up. Not a good one, anyway. I had a crappy month and I needed Cristina to get married to show it was possible. And when Burke left her at the altar I freaked out and ditched you to go to Hawaii."

"That was a long time ago."

"Five months. That's really not that long. And it's not the time that matters. Or the fact that you forgave me," she said before he could say anything further. "Or even the fact that we got married less than two weeks after that. It's the behaviour that matters. I made Cristina my role model and when she didn't do what I needed her to do, I made it about me. I made Bailey my role model, too. I used her to convince myself it was possible to be a surgeon, wife and mother. And when it came out that she wasn't exceeding at all three, I felt like my whole world was falling down."

"I can help you realize we can do it all."

"But you shouldn't have to," she insisted. "_That's_ the point, Derek. We're _so good _right now. I should be able to be secure, but I'm not. And that's not your fault. I shouldn't need a role model. I should be able to be my own role model, or whatever."

His brows pinched together as he met her gaze.

She wanted so much for him to understand, and her heart ached at how hard he was trying.

"I'm _so_ happy, Derek. And so much of that is because of you. But it's so new, this whole being happy thing, that I can't make sense of it along with the bad things that happen. I...I think this has been coming for a while, but I needed to get to this point before I went looking for help."

"And I can't be the one to help you?"

"You can. You _are_. But not the only one. I need you to listen, and support me. And love me. But I need someone to help me make sense of it. Someone who isn't you. Because so much of who I am is about who I am _with_ you. I need someone who can see through that. I need to do this, Derek. And it's only with your support that I can do this for myself."

Her words finally seemed to be hitting home in his head. He smiled at her last comment. "You will _always_ have my support, Mer."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Good. Because the absolute last thing I want is to ruin this." It was the opposite, actually. She wanted to make her life and relationship even better.

"I won't ever let that happen."

She recognized the meaning behind his words. He was going to support her therapy and do his best to understand why it couldn't be him to help her, despite his overwhelming need to make everything better.

"When do you go back?"

"Monday. It'll be three times next week, and then twice a week after. Well, for the next seven weeks, anyway."

"Why seven?"

"Then I run out of coverage. Insurance only covers twenty sessions."

He released a breathy laugh. "Mer, that's the last thing you need to worry about. If this is what you need, then you go for as long as you need to and we'll figure it out. I'm sure you're covered under my plan as my wife for some sessions as well, and after that we'll pay." He hooked an arm around her waist and sighed. "I don't know that I fully understand, but I'm glad you feel good about this."

"Me too." She sighed as well. "A lot of things are making some sense now that I can see them together as a pattern."

"Like what?"

"Remember how I freaked out when you didn't get divorced?" He chosen her, but was still married to Addison, and he had told her he wouldn't continue the relationship until he was divorced. He had said he was going to see a lawyer, and she had thought that meant he was getting divorced that day. When he had shown up at her house that night and she had realized he was still married, she had shut down and asked him to leave.

"Mmm-hmm," he said, telling her he remembered.

"I think that was important. I wasn't completely rational, I admit, but then you had the papers drawn up so fast and you signed them... I think you circumvented the freak out. It made me less likely to do so again."

"Until Burke left Cristina at the Altar."

"Yeah," she agreed. It had taken something big and dramatic to break through the progress she had made.

"And then Bailey became your role model."

"I think she kind of was before as well, but that just made it worse."

"I think I get it."

"Good." She was surprised to feel tears welling in her eyes. "Because I'm not sure I do."

He was quick to wrap his other arm around her. "It's scary," he commented.

She nodded against his chest. "I don't like talking to a stranger about this. I'd rather talk to you, I would. I just..."

"You need the stranger."

She nodded again.

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "That's okay, Mer," he said, giving her the blessing and encouragement she desperately needed from him. "You can talk to us both."

"Thank you." She sniffed. "I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be like _her_." They both knew she was speaking of her mother.

"You're not," he reassured. "The fact alone that you're trying to change proves that."

"Sometimes I wonder if she tried to change, but wasn't strong enough."

"I can't tell you that," he admitted, "But you have something she didn't have."

"What?"

He hugged her tighter. "Me."

"I'm so glad I have you, Derek," she whispered. She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "That's why I need to do this. I need to know I'm not going to react some stupid way to some random thing and make a mess of this. I need to know that I'm strong enough for _us_. And I need to learn what it means to be happy, even when bad things happen, because I feel it, but I don't understand it."

"You will," he told her, his complete confidence in her evident in his words, tone and expression. "And if there's anything I can do-"

"I will tell you," she promised.

"Okay," he agreed, sealing it with a kiss.

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you, too."

They remained tightly together for several minutes before gradually turning back to their lunch plates. The food was cold now, but neither made any move to leave the table to reheat it.

His chuckle broke the comfortable silence between them.

"What?"

He offered her a playful smile. "They may be cold, but you cooked the eggs perfectly."

She smiled back at him. "Progress, right?"

He nodded. "Progress."

* * *

_**AN: This was a bit of a challenge to write, but I think I'm happy with the end result. Derek is loving and supportive, but Meredith needing help from someone else when he's done so much for her feels a bit like a failure. She was able to make him understand, though, and he'll be along for the ride as she deals with her issues in the coming chapters. For those of you that don't remember Meredith's freak out when Derek didn't get divorced when she thought (not that I blame you. It was a LONG time ago), it was covered in chapter 5 and then resolved in chapter 6. The answers I promised are below:**_

_**Q1- How long will this story continue?**_

_**A1 – A very prominent question and not one I can easily answer. When I started this fic four years ago the show was starting its fourth season, so timeline-wise, I'm currently writing past where the show was when I started. Part of me wants to continue indefinitely, but the issue is that I KNOW that will become boring. Once I've had Meredith work through her problems, there won't be much away-from-the-show progress to be made. And eventually I'm going to run into the show's storyline and, should I continue writing, it will be very repetitive. Also, as the purpose of this story was to explore the difference in Meredith and Derek throughout the show's events, that means I have to continue this way. (The only exception I've made was the decision to have Meredith not know how to swim, and this was because I liked the drowning arc storyline, but couldn't have her stop swimming to follow her progress in this storyline.) A main problem with following the show's events is the end of season 5. Having to write Susan dying was hard enough. I honestly don't know that I can follow through with George.**_

_**This all being said, I think I will let this story find it's end somewhere in 'season 5,' but before the season finale. This opens up options for future stories or oneshots to take place in the WYB universe.**_

_**Q2- Babies?**_

_**A2 – Won't happen in this story. BUT, as I've written above, I am leaving myself the option to write more in the future using this universe. I'd like to write this Meredith and Derek starting a family. I just don't think continuing this story for so long will be productive. I may end this story in season 5 and then pick up a year or two (or however long) down the line with a new story. I haven't decided yet, but I'm excited about the option.**_

_**Q3- Season 4 storylines...?**_

_**A3- **_

_**Clinical Trial: I've decided not to include the clinical trial (if you noticed it, Meredith referred bear-attack-guy to a clinical trial in the last chapter). This decision was tough to make, but I think it would have been too repetitive and not very productive to include.**_

_**Addison: Yes, she will return, just like she did on the show. If you noticed, during the residents' contest, Cristina mentioned diagnosing the patient that will bring Addison to Seattle. However, due to timeline issues, she may not return at the same 'time' as on the show.**_

_**House of Candles: I would love to include this, but I can't seem to come up with a reason for it to happen in this story line. They just bought a condo together, so building the dream house isn't imminent. Maybe something that could happen in a future story?**_

_**Q4- How did Meredith commit so much with all these issues that are suddenly coming out?**_

_**A4- Meredith's always had some issues. I'm made sure to not make her perfectly whole and healed JUST because she's with Derek. This is not healthy or realistic. She's been able to get this far because she's never truly been given reason to question her trust in Derek. I think trust is a big deal for her because of her past experiences. Yes, Derek was married and didn't tell her, but she's also very understanding (doesn't see things in black and white...). He chose her when she put herself out there, whereas in the show he didn't. This was the first major turning point. **_

_**Then there was a misunderstanding and she thought he was getting divorced on a day he and Addison met with the lawyer, but he didn't (chapter 5). Her trust faltered, but he fixed it (chapter 6). They moved forward. They learned to go through things together. They fell into a pattern of basically living together without it being verbalized or official. Meredith almost died when the bomb went off and her vulnerability in that experience pushed her to make the moving in together official (chapter 18, 21), and not long after to tell him about her father. She tried to be there for him after Mark showed up, but she failed (or, felt like she failed) because she was dealing with Thatcher (chapter 20). Then Molly showed up and Meredith made some realizations about what family really meant (chapter 23). And then Denny died and Meredith saw the effect it had on Izzie (another role model, perhaps?) and found herself pulling closer to Derek (chapters 28-30). More progress, and then the drowning arc. Afterwards, not only did Meredith seek comfort from Derek, but for the first time was able to be there for Derek. He was a mess after he almost lost her and she was able to reassure him. This was another major turning point. **_

_**But then a series of bad things had Meredith seeking a role model (something she had been doing with Bailey for a while). She looked to Cristina, because Cristina was at the same point in her life. And when Burke left, Meredith couldn't make sense of it, so she ran (Or, as Wyatt (on the show) would say...She quit because it's what she knows how to do.). Izzie helped her, which gave Meredith the strength to go to New York, which led to progress with his family and then getting married.**_

_**Getting married was another turning point, that came with the assumption, from Meredith's POV, that she'd overcome everything. And, in a way, she had overcome it. She just hadn't dealt with all of it. She's able to be happy and married, but won't be whole and healed until she faces some things from her past and learns to understand why she sometimes reacts the way she does. And she's on her way to dealing with this. She's made the first steps, and she's now told Derek about it.**_


	122. Chapter 122

_**AN: This chapter starts with more of Meredith in therapy, but then moves into Derek's POV. Some of you seem to enjoy reading the therapy sessions and some of you don't. I've written several conversations between Meredith and Wyatt to make a few things clear, but now we're moving into the part where Meredith and Derek move forward. I'm sure I'll include (smaller) sections of therapy sessions in future chapters, but it won't be as much of a focus as it's been.**_

* * *

"You're on time," Wyatt commented as she opened the door to her office and ushered Meredith inside, an eyebrow raised in pretend surprise.

Meredith offered the psychiatrist a wry smile. "Hey, I'm _early._"

Wyatt smiled back. "By a minute."

Meredith shrugged as she walked into the room and dropped herself down onto the familiar couch. "Still..."

Wyatt closed the door and then sat on her chair, notepad in her lap. She looked expectantly at Meredith. "How did the contest end?"

"I won," Meredith told her. "I was right about my patient having the brain tumour."

Wyatt nodded and for a moment Meredith thought she was going to back to her questions for their last session the previous week and ask Meredith about why the first symptom that caught her attention was the patient getting married on the spur of the moment, but Wyatt simply made a note and moved on. "How was your Thanksgiving?"

"It was really nice," Meredith said, smiling at the happy memory. She and Derek had spent the entire day at home, just the two of them. No hospital. No stress. In the evening, they had called Derek's mother to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving, and Meredith had happily chatted with her and half of Derek's sisters. And when they had gone to bed, he had still been looking at her like he had that morning. His expression didn't suggest he thought she was weak or damaged. She had fallen asleep feeling loved and more thankful than she could remember.

"Did you do anything special?"

"Derek and I both had the day off, and actually managed to get through the day without being paged."

"Did you have a big turkey dinner?"

She shook her head. "We had a turkey, but it was just the two of us. His family is in New York and we talked about having friends over, but it's our first year in our new home and married and..." she shrugged, "I guess we just wanted it to be the two of us." She paused and glanced towards the fish tank. "I told him. About this."

"And how did that go?"

She stared at the fish for a long moment before turning her attention back to Wyatt. "It went okay. He was, uh... He was really supportive."

"That's good. Did you expect him not to be?"

She shook her head. "No, he's always supportive. It's just...hard. He's..." She trailed off. "It's not easy to describe. He's always supportive, but he likes to fix things. And he can't help me right now, even though he wants to. The fact that I need a kind of help he can't give me isn't easy for him to understand." Though they hadn't spent much time actually discussing her therapy over the weekend, she had seen several flashes of concern and uncertainty in his eyes. She had done her best, each time, to make him feel needed, but she wasn't sure how much of it was getting through to him. She knew he supported her – and would _always _support her – but that didn't mean he wasn't struggling to understand why she needed help that he couldn't give her.

Wyatt smiled and nodded.

Meredith lifted an eyebrow. "That's a good thing?"

Wyatt shook her head, but her smile didn't change. "It's not a good thing that your partner is struggling to understand your needs. But I'm impressed by your statement. You clearly have a very strong relationship if you're able to make those connections. You recognize a characteristic of your partner, and you understand how this is affecting him. It's not just about you or him."

Meredith managed a small smile back. "We do have a strong relationship. He wants to understand. He just..." She sighed. "I think he feels like he's failed me or something."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him the truth. I tried to explain what my problem is, and I think he understands. And I told him I still need him to help me; that I wanted to be able to tell him about therapy." She hesitated before adding, "I told him I still needed him to be my husband." It was the simple truth, even if it was a little embarrassing to say out loud to someone who wasn't Derek. She liked having a husband and had come to depend on him. She needed him to keep seeing her and treating her like before. She needed to still feel like his wife, even if she was here alone, trying to stop being so insecure.

Wyatt nodded encouragingly.

"He knows it's not his fault that I'm here. I think he just feels like he could have done more to help me."

"Do you think he could have done more?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. He's done so much for me. This is... This has been coming for a while. And it's not causing problems now, but it will. I don't know when, but I know it will eventually." She blinked away a sudden stinging in her eyes as a small wave of fear washed over her. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she would not risk losing him to this. "I can't let this..._thing_ get in the way of my future." _I fought too hard for it,_ she added silently. _I want it too much_.

Wyatt nodded. "Then let's work together to not let it get in the way of your future."

Meredith nodded back, but soon the draw of the fish tank pulled her gaze away from Wyatt. She was determined, but this was all a little overwhelming and she needed a moment.

Wyatt gave her several moments to collect herself. All Meredith heard from her side of the room was the scratching of her pen across the pad of paper in her lap, probably making notes about Meredith's relationship with Derek. Meredith hoped what she had said was true; that she and Derek had a strong relationship. She didn't have anything to compare it to, but she couldn't imagine it being any better. She felt like she understood Derek's feelings and that he understood hers. She felt like they had the same expectations for now and for the future. She loved him and didn't question that he loved her back. She trusted him implicitly, even if she wasn't fully able to comprehend what that meant.

"You sound like you've been thinking about our last session over the weekend," Wyatt spoke up after several minutes, her tone soft and encouraging. "You're confused because you're able to suffer _and_ feel happy at the same time, but you don't understand it," she summarized.

"Because it's new," Meredith added. Bad things had always resulted in personal loss before. Her parents fought a lot, and then her dad left. Her mother took her to the merry-go-round in the park one day, but she fought with Dr. Webber from the hospital, and Meredith started to be neglected. Ellis brought a scalpel home from work one day, and Meredith lost any glimmer of childhood or innocence she had left. Expecting the worst was a learned response, so when something bad happened now, like her best friend's fiancé leaving her at the altar, Meredith panicked because she couldn't possibly feel the bad and not have everything around her fall apart.

"We talked about you not understanding your reactions to certain events, most specifically when you're caught off guard or you're invested in a role model of sorts."

Meredith shifted her gaze back to the therapist and nodded. Not having known how to do so many things, she had unconsciously selected people to model her behaviour after.

"You gave the examples that you started questioning your abilities when Dr. Bailey's son was hurt, that you were overly anxious because you agreed to that competition without first discussing it with your husband, and that you let the hospital gossip get to you after your husband's friend spread a rumour that you were pregnant."

Again, Meredith nodded. As individual events, they had confused her, but compared to each other, she was able to see the response pattern.

"Now that you've had the weekend to think about it, have you come up with any other examples?"

"A couple," she admitted. Now that she was aware of the pattern it was easier to recognize.

"Want to tell me?"

_No_, she thought to herself. Now that Wyatt was aware of the problem, she wanted her to just tell Meredith how to fix it. But she'd play for now. "I think I made my best friend a role model, too. Cristina and I were interns together, and she started seeing an attending around the same time I started seeing Derek. We had a lot in common. And she got engaged about a month before I did. They planned a wedding right away..." She shook her head. "Well, _he_ planned a wedding right away. They were supposed to get married the day after we wrote our intern test."

"Supposed to?"

"He didn't go through with it; basically left her at the altar. And I felt like I _needed _her to get married. So many bad things happened in the weeks leading up to it. I guess I made her a role model like I did with Dr. Bailey."

"And what was your reaction to the failed wedding?"

Meredith sighed and looked away. "I ran away."

"From what?"

"From Derek. And life." She sighed. "Derek and I had plans to go away for two weeks; the first to spend in New York with his family and the second to the Bahamas. Instead I got on a plane to Hawaii with Cristina and Izzie, our friend." She closed her eyes at the shame of the memory. "I couldn't even tell Derek to his face. I left him a message."

"How did Derek handle that?"

She almost laughed. "He was perfect and understanding, as usual. He got my message in time to rush to the airport and catch me before I got on the plane. He didn't even ask me to stay. He told me to go and promised he'd still loved me."

"How do you feel about that?"

Meredith sighed. She hated what she had done to him. She wanted to stop talking now, but forced herself to continue. "It makes me feel good to know that he understands me and loves me, but I..." She trailed off.

"You what?"

"I wouldn't have been able to do what he did. If he had done that to me I would have..." She shook her head, not wanting to continue.

"How does it make you feel?"

"Weak," she admitted shamefully, shifting her gaze back to the fish tank.

Wyatt allowed her a moment before speaking up again. "The end of your internship would have been about the time you got married."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed without tearing her gaze from the fish tank. Looking back now, it scared her to wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten on the plane to New York. What if she had stayed in Hawaii for the entire two weeks? Would her relationship have survived? She liked to think so, but couldn't be sure. They definitely would be as strong as they were now. She'd probably still be feeling guilty and Derek may never have looked at her the same way.

"Tell me how that happened."

"After a day in Hawaii I realized how stupid I was being. I got myself to New York. Derek had gone anyway because he hadn't seen his family in a year. We stayed there for the rest of the week and then went to the Bahamas like we'd originally planned."

"How did you come to that realization?"

"Izzie helped a lot," she explained, thinking back. "And getting some sleep and space helped." She could remember the level of exhaustion she had been feeling, both physically and emotionally.

"How did Izzie help?"

"I was so confused. _So_ many bad things happened. I couldn't get perspective. And I couldn't understand how..." She trailed off with a wry laugh. Her feelings at that time made more sense now. She forced her gaze back to Wyatt. "I couldn't understand how I could still be happy, overall, with everything that happened."

Wyatt offered Meredith a small smile. "That's a good example."

Meredith smiled back, allowing herself to be encouraged by the praise; even though she didn't like or understand the behaviour she was able to offer prime examples. She didn't know how to fix the behaviour, but that was why she was here.

"Any others?"

"Maybe," she admitted. "There's one other I thought of, but I'm not sure..."

"Tell me and we'll work it through together."

"I have this half-sister. Lexie. I didn't know she existed until this year, and I only met her when she started her internship here this year."

"This is your father's child?"

She nodded. "One of them."

"I assume from what you said last week that you lost contact with your father when you and your mother moved away from Seattle?"

Meredith hesitated before nodding. "Yes," she said curtly, making it clear she didn't want to talk about her father any further.

"Okay. So, tell me about Lexie."

"She wanted a relationship with me as soon as we met, but I... I couldn't. It took a long time for me to accept that she may actually just want to know me, you know? So, I started to let her in. We did this thing where we told each other things about ourselves, back and forth. It was...easy. And kind of nice. But then...our..." She trailed off for a moment. "Thatcher, her father and my...whatever, was in the ER. He was drunk and cut his hand. I stitched him up and he was so...fatherly. Proud and apologetic and all those things I never got from him. After getting to know Lexie I actually thought it was possible to..." She stopped herself before she finish with _have a family_. "I fell for it. He told me it was Susan...that was his wife who died. He told me it was Susan's birthday. I thought I was offering him comfort. I thought I was maybe doing the family thing. And I thought I was being a good sisterly type person by telling Lexie about him being here and being sympathetic about Susan."

"So, what went wrong?"

"Apparently it wasn't Susan's birthday and Thatcher's just an alcoholic now. And Lexie just...snapped. She yelled at me. And after everything I just...shut down. I think I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe."

"What happened afterwards, with Lexie?"

"I thought we were done, but she apologized. And she seemed to...really mean it. I don't..." She trailed off. She still wasn't entirely certain of Lexie's motives, but she wanted to trust that the younger Grey truly just wanted to know her. "We moved on. I think...I'm not sure she's a sister, but we're on the way to that."

"And with your father?"

"He's not my father."

Wyatt nodded. "Okay. With Thatcher?"

"I don't want to talk about him."

Wyatt paused for a moment before saying, "Okay." She made a note. "Why do you think you reacted that way?"

Meredith sighed. She'd already told Wyatt far more than she'd expected or wanted to. The last thing she wanted was to talk about it in depth any further. "Can't you just tell me how to fix it? You know what the problem is now."

"The first step to fixing it is being able to recognize the problem. Then you need to _understand_ the problem. You're already able to recognize the problem. That's an excellent start. But it's only a start. Now you have to learn to understand the problem."

Meredith ran a hand over her face.

"It's the only way to move into the fixing stage."

She huffed. "Fine."

Wyatt smiled. "So, tell me why you reacted the way you did?"

* * *

Derek glanced at the clock on his office wall for the umpteenth time in the past hour since he had escaped from the floor to catch up on paper work. Or, at least the plan was to catch up on paperwork. He'd hadn't caught up with his wife before she'd been scheduled to start her fourth therapy session – the first he had been made aware of beforehand – and he had been distracted the entire time he'd been sitting at his desk.

Her admission on Thanksgiving had caught him off guard. He had known she had been suffering from some insecurities, especially since Tucker's accident, but he had thought time would make everything better. He had thought he was enough to help her, to make her see how amazing she was. The fact that she had sought help elsewhere shook him, made him feel far more vulnerable and less needed that he liked. He had thought he was enough for her. But she was looking for help that he couldn't give her.

He wanted to be enough to help her.

He wanted her to get help if that's what she thought she needed. But he also wanted desperately to be the one to help her. He wasn't about to stop her from getting help elsewhere – he would _never _stop her from getting help she wanted – but it was unnerving not to be the one she came to.

After her initial explanation on Thanksgiving he had promised to try his best to understand. They had returned to work on Friday and Saturday, but hadn't spoken another word about the therapy until Sunday, when she had reminded him of her appointment.

_'My, uh, appointment is at five tomorrow,'_ she had told him over dinner.

He'd looked up from his plate in surprise. Even though he'd spent the past three days processing the information, the fact that she had an actual appointment reminded him of how real this all was. _'Okay,'_ he'd responded.

_'Okay,'_ she had echoed. Her eyes had flickered almost nervously away from his.

He had felt his chest tighten. The last thing he wanted was for her to be afraid to talk to him. He had forced a supportive smile to his lips. _'Why don't you meet me in my office when it's over, and we can go home together?'_ It was an invitation to discuss her session with him. It was the closest to acceptance he could come without fully understanding why she needed this.

Her gazed had flickered back to his and the corners of her lips had curled upwards. _'I'd like that.'_

It was a little after six now. She should be ready to go home by now. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Five months of marriage and his wife was in therapy. She said it had nothing to do with him, but he couldn't help but feel inadequate for her. She needed something he couldn't give her and that ate at him. He loved her. He wanted nothing but good things for her. He wanted her to be happy.

He wanted to _make_ her happy.

He didn't want her feeling like there were things she couldn't talk to him about. He didn't want her thinking she needed to hide any of herself away from him. And he definitely didn't want her thinking he couldn't handle anything she had to say.

With a frustrated huff, he slammed shut the chart he was attempting to notate. It had been lying open on his desk for a good fifteen minutes. Clearly he wasn't in the right mindset to get any work done right now, not with his thoughts so chaotic.

After growing up in a house of women, he had been raised to respect independence in them. He didn't need or want a house-wife or a trophy-wife. He didn't need or want a wife to be Mrs. Derek Shepherd. He loved Meredith's independence. He was honoured that she had wanted to hyphenate her last name with his. He loved seeing the ring finger of her left hand sparkle. He loved calling her his wife and hearing her call him her husband. But he didn't _need_ any of that from her. If she had kept only her own name and declined to wear his rings, he would still love her _just the same_. He wasn't old fashioned or traditional or chauvinistic in that way; he _wanted_ her to be independent.

But he also wanted her to need him. He liked being the strong one. He liked being the one she could always count on. It may be old fashioned thinking, but he couldn't help it. He had learned that it was okay to be vulnerable with her, that it was okay to need her as well. And he had even come to like going to her. He could let her be the strong one sometimes. He understood how much stronger their relationship was for that. He understood how important that was; how necessary.

It was different, though, than _this_.

This scared him. Because she maybe didn't need him as much as he needed her. This scared him because she needed someone strong and she was going to someone else for help.

Someone who wasn't him.

A sound at his door caught his attention before his thoughts could deteriorate any further. He watched the doorknob turn and then the door slowly push open. And then _she_ was standing in the doorway, dressed in street clothes, her jacket draped over her arm, offering him a quiet smile. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey," he echoed, but said nothing more. He wanted to know everything and nothing at the same time. He wanted to ask questions, but didn't know where to start and didn't know what she wanted to tell him. He wanted to help, to fix everything for her, but that's not what she wanted from him. She needed to do this for herself, and he needed to figure out how to be her husband and let her do this for herself at the same time.

She surveyed him from the doorway for a long moment before quietly closing the door behind herself. She dropped her purse and jacket onto the chair opposite his at his desk, and then navigated around the desk to him. "Thank you for waiting for me," she whispered as she leaned back against the desk, as close to him as she could get. Her expression showed she was tired, but her eyes held understanding for his hesitance in this moment. She wasn't judging him for his silence. Even with his initial reaction, she had never made him feel guilty for not being able to understand.

He pushed his chair back from his desk, inviting her closer. It was rare he couldn't find the right words to say to her, but he instinctively knew how to speak to her without words. They'd always communicated well through looks and touch.

With a soft smile, she half-turned and lowered herself sideways onto his lap.

The moment she touched him, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He buried his nose into her hair and inhaled the faint scent of lavender still lingering from her morning shower. "How did it go?" He murmured against her scalp. This seemed like the right start. She could decide how much or how little to tell him.

She relaxed into his embrace. "I think it's going to be harder than I thought."

"Why is that?"

"Apparently to fix the problem I first have to be able to recognize it _and_ understand it. I've got recognition down, but I'm crappy at understanding." She sighed heavily.

He tightened his arms around her. He didn't want some arrogant shrink telling her she wasn't good enough at anything. She was perfect. "I'm sure that's not true."

She rubbed her nose against his shoulder affectionately. "I just can't always understand why I react the way I do. But I guess that's why I'm in therapy."

He wanted to ask for an example, but he bit his tongue, knowing he would want to solve the question of _why_ for her, and also knowing that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to do this herself. He suspected that was actually a large part of the issue. He needed to learn to stay in support mode without moving into fix mode.

"I love you and I'm so sure of _this_," she continued, "But five months ago I ran away to Hawaii without you. And I don't understand why I did that."

"You were scared," he told her. He remembered the frustration and desperation that had overtaken him when he had listened to the message she had left on his phone. But he also remembered the utter defeat and uncertainty he had seen in her eyes when he had caught up with her in the airport.

"But what did I have to be afraid of?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He had no answer for her, no explanation. "I don't know," he admitted. She shouldn't have been afraid of him, of _them_. And she shouldn't have been afraid of meeting his family; at least, not afraid enough to fly several time zones away in the opposite direction to avoid meeting them. They had delayed the trip to New York more than once previously. She would have known he'd do it again if that's what she needed. And they hadn't yet made any wedding plans, so she couldn't have been hiding from that. And Izzie had gone too, so it wasn't about not leaving Cristina alone.

She'd been devastated by Susan's death and then shattered by Thatcher's subsequent behaviour, but she had talked to Derek. She'd allowed him to comfort her and calm her down enough to write her intern exam the day before the wedding. The next morning they had woken up together and things had been fine. The stress had been there, yes, but she'd reached out to him for comfort. He'd made sure to catch up with her again before she left for the church, and again she had sought comfort from him. She'd told him she was having doubts and fears that weren't about him. They'd promised they'd talk the next day. But then Meredith had walked down the aisle alone in her bridesmaid dress to announce the wedding wasn't going to happen. The next time he'd seen her was the airport. Something has snapped inside her between her walking down the aisle and leaving three slightly hysterical messages on his phone, something he couldn't explain.

She snuggled closer. "I don't know either." She paused for a beat. "But I should be able to know, right?"

He shifted to rest his chin on the top of her head. She had a good point. He had long since forgiven her for running from him. And he had never blamed her, had never wanted her to feel bad, because he had always known she had run out of fear and not out of malice. But he had never stopped to dig down into the why of it all until now. There wasn't any valid connection between what she had gone through and how she had reacted, at least not that he could see. Their relationship had been strong and she'd been open with him right up until she'd panicked. "I guess you should know."

She sniffed. "I remember being terrified because _so_ much had happened and yet you and I hadn't changed. But that doesn't make _any _sense at all. Why would that scare me? Why _does_ that scare me?"

"I don't know," he admitted again. He'd tell her if he knew. "Did you ask Dr. Wyatt?"

"More like she asked me. I'm not sure if it's a work-it-out-on-your-own kind of thing or that she doesn't know either."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," he encouraged.

She breathed against his shoulder. "You always have so much faith in me," she murmured.

"Of course I do," he said simply, because it _was_ simple.

She lifted her head, and the uncertainty in her gaze left him feeling useful, because he knew how to make _that_ look go away.

He pressed a feather-light kiss to the tip of her nose and then cocked his head. "How could I not have so much faith in you? You're amazing."

The corner of her lips twitched, and he couldn't help but press a kiss to it. "You're the strongest person I know, Meredith. And the most determined." He paused before adding. "And the most stubborn."

She rewarded him with a soft laugh.

"So, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will figure this out," he continued. "You're doing this really hard but really good thing for yourself, and I'm so proud of you."

She met his eyes evenly and offered him a grateful smile. "You're proud, but you still don't understand," she stated. It wasn't a question.

He wanted to deny it, to tell her he understood so she could focus on herself, but he would never lie to her. "I want to," he told her, "And I think I'm starting to."

"I want you to, too," she said. "I wish I could explain better, but I..."

"But you're still working on understanding it yourself," he finished for her. _That_, at least, he understood. She wasn't trying to keep him out of her head. In fact, it was the opposite. She was trying her best to let him in.

She nodded. "When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know." She shrugged. "Or maybe Wyatt will be, seeing as she'll probably have to walk me through it. But in that case you'll be the second to know."

He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. "Agreed."

She giggled slightly. "I do feel better, even though I'm more confused than ever. I want to figure this out."

"You will," he assured.

With a sigh, she leaned her head against his shoulder again, apparently not in any hurry to actually go home. He closed his arms tighter around her and sighed as well. When she was curled up against him like this, he felt useful and needed. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back, "So much, Derek. I'm glad I'm doing this, but it's hard and I don't know how I'd be able to do it without you."

Her words helped ease his insecurities. He wasn't sure if she had said those words for herself or for him, but he didn't care. It made him feel better either way. "You'll never have to deal with that. I will _always_ be here for you."

"I know," she said simply, and while her previous statement may have been for his benefit, he was certain she had no idea how much this one meant to him. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. As long as she knew he was there for her, he would be okay.

* * *

_**AN: Although it may seem this chapter didn't accomplish much, it's very important and I spent a lot of time getting Derek's thoughts right. With the split POV, we're able to see how Meredith views therapy from her POV and then how she explains it to Derek from his POV. And he's starting to understand. I never wanted to spend a lot of time on Derek 'not understanding,' but his character (especially in this universe) would never just accept it. Yes, he'd always be supportive and do whatever he can for his wife, but he needs some time for it to make sense. I'm really enjoying the intricacies of a strong married couple going through this together. They're both so in tune with the other's feelings.**_

_**The next chapter will jump forward a few weeks and offer some more progress. Then we'll get them through Christmas and on to the rest of 'season 4.'**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	123. Chapter 123

_**AN: Sorry for the unexpected delay. My dad ended up in the hospital (again) for almost two weeks. He's doing okay now, but I wasn't able to get any writing done hanging out at the hospital. This chapter was almost finished before all this happened. It was kind of nice to be able to read it after such a delay in writing it; it allowed me to see it a little differently and make a few tweaks that were for the better. The next chapter (which will be Christmas Day) is in the works and will be up long before real-life Christmas (Can I just say that I cannot believe it's already December?)**_

_**One more thing: As the story is quickly approaching the end of Season 4, I'm trying to make decisions as to what of Season 5 to include and exactly where is the plot of season 5 to end it. I welcome any suggestions/feedback at this time and will do my best to include what you want to read.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

* * *

Derek jolted as the door to his office flung open. It hit the wall loudly and then shook on its hinges. He looked up to see his wife standing in the doorway, scowling darkly. "Are you ready to go home?" She practically snapped.

He stared at her for a moment, feeling his heartbeat slow back down to normal after the shock of her dramatic entrance, before glancing at the time. He hadn't expected her for another twenty minutes, at least.

"Uh, sure," he said carefully, looking back to Meredith, who was still scowling. She was dressed in jeans and a long sleeved top, her coat clutched in a ball under her arm. Her hair was pulled haphazardly into a ponytail and her eyes were red, making her look harried. He stood. "I didn't expect you this soon." It had become routine for Meredith to meet him in his office when she was finished with her sessions with Dr. Wyatt. He would finish with his patients and then go to his office to work on paperwork. She would get changed first and then meet him there. Sometimes they would talk through her session in his office, and sometimes, especially when she'd had a tough session, they'd wait and talk it through at home.

After several weeks of therapy, he was starting to understand better why she needed this. She had discussed each session with him, and eagerly accepted support and encouragement every time she needed it along the way. He had encouraged her to allow Wyatt to ask questions about her past. He had held her for an hour while she cried after struggling to tell Wyatt about just the basics of her childhood. He had laughed with her as she told him about trying to explain to Wyatt how she had called his mother while high on morphine when she had been suffering from appendicitis. He'd patiently listened to her rant when she was frustrated with the lack of progress.

This, however, was new. She'd never been angry before. She'd ranted in that rambling _Meredith_ way that he couldn't help but find adorable, but she'd never looked like this.

"I didn't expect to be done this soon, either," she said flatly, not offering any more information.

He hesitated before continuing with, "Is there a reason-"

"I fired my shrink," she snapped, cutting him off. "I'm done with therapy. It's not helping."

Derek wasn't sure he agreed with her last statement, but he knew now was not the time to argue. She needed to calm down before she could discuss this. He reached for his coat. "Okay," he said simply.

"Okay?" She echoed. "That's all you have to say?"

He sighed, trying not to react to her mood. "What do you want me to say?"

"You just don't want to gloat that you were right. I never should have done this in the first place."

"I never said that."

She scoffed. "You've been against this whole thing from the start. You never wanted me getting therapy. Well, guess what? You get what you want. I'm not going anymore."

He didn't want to have this conversation here, but he wasn't about to let her twist his feelings and reaction into this. "Don't you put words in my mouth," he snapped, catching her by surprise. Her lips parted as if she was going to speak, but she didn't. Taking the opportunity, he walked up to her and placed one hand on each shoulder. "If you want to stop therapy, that's your decision. Just like it was your decision to start it. And I will support that decision, too. So don't you dare tell me I've been against this for a moment." The words came out harsher than he had expected, and clearly harsher than she had expected as well, as evidenced by the film of tears developing in her eyes. He sighed, and every ounce of frustration fell away. Despite her hesitance to tell Wyatt much about her past, she was slowly opening herself up to the therapist. He had noticed that even though she was more stubborn than usual, she was also more vulnerable. "Mer..."

She inhaled a shaky breath as she successfully fought off tears. "I don't know if I can do this," she whispered, looking down, all of the previous anger and tension gone from her body.

He shifted his hands closer to her neck and rubbed her collar bones with his thumbs. He remembered how much she had struggled to tell him about her childhood, especially in the beginning. It had been months before he'd been able to broach the subject and much longer before she had divulged the worst parts. He remembered her near-hyperventilation when she had told him about Ellis's suicide attempt. He also remembered how profound an effect just one short comment from her mother had had on her. _No more than ordinary,_ Ellis had called her. Meredith had been crushed.

"You can do anything," he told her. "You're the strongest person I know." He stepped closer and pressed a kiss to the top of her downturned head.

"It's not helping. It's been a month and I'm not better."

"Maybe you're not where you want to be, where you think you should be, but you are improving." He'd seen signs over the past month of sessions. She may be more emotional and more vulnerable now that she had opened herself up to her past, but she also smiled more. And smiled brighter. She was more confident and she talked about the future a lot more and a lot more easily. He wasn't sure if the change was due to the therapy or simply due to the knowledge that she was in therapy to change herself for the better. From her synopsis of each session, he suspected it was the latter. She'd made a decision by herself and for herself. She was taking her life into her own hands.

It was about control.

He'd come to this realization slowly since she had first told him about her therapy. She didn't like to feel out of control, and the behaviour she couldn't explain happened in times when she would likely feel the most out of control, like a trigger.

Growing up, she would have been overwhelmed with the feeling of her life being controlled by people who didn't have her best interest at heart. Ellis and Thatcher had made decisions that had affected her without actually considering her needs. They'd failed at being her parents, her protectors and her advocates. They'd abandoned her, neglected her, scared her and hurt her, and Meredith had been a defenceless child. Then after she'd grown up, her mother had gotten sick, which had been out of her control. She'd gone to medical school because that's what she thought Ellis wanted. And every time something bad had happened in the last year and a half that she'd reacted unfavourably to, it had also been out of her control; she couldn't save Susan, she couldn't do anything to stop Burke from leaving, she couldn't make Thatcher want her.

But now, she was fighting to take control of the behaviour she didn't understand. The act of seeking help alone had empowered her.

"I am?" She asked quietly, looking up to meet his eyes.

He offered her an encouraging smile.

"Yes. You seem more determined. More confident. More in control," he added. He hadn't explained his theory to his wife, because he wanted her to be able to figure it out on her own, but that didn't mean he couldn't drop a hint or two.

She smiled at the last comment. "I've felt more in control. I thought I was improving, but..." She huffed. "I don't understand how this is helping anymore. Why does she have to know every single thing about me? She knows what the problem is; shouldn't she be helping me fix it instead of dragging it out?"

Derek had his own theory about this as well. She had complained several times that Wyatt was focusing on the wrong things; was asking for more information instead of proffering a plan to fix things. He suspected Meredith's incredibly strong determination to not talk about certain things was much more telling to Dr. Wyatt than Meredith realized. And was probably very important to her eventual recovery. Meredith had only provided a skeleton explanation of her childhood to the therapist and had baulked at providing additional details. He was certain for Wyatt to fully understand the behaviour, and to then help Meredith control it, she would need to know the things Meredith didn't want to share.

"I'm sure she has her reasons," he said evenly, not wanting to end the conversation, but wanting to pause it so they could pick it up later. His office at the end of a long week was not the right place to have _this_ conversation. She needed a push from him, and he was pretty sure that she was looking for one, but he knew her enough to know she needed to be in the right frame of mind to accept it. And that wasn't right now.

With a sigh, she leaned into him, wrapping the arm that wasn't holding her coat around his middle.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Despite his earlier anxieties about her therapy, he understood now how needless they had been. He still felt important. He still felt like her husband. She still needed him. And he understood now that she was not only doing this for _her_, but also for _them._ "Let's go out for dinner," he suggested.

She looked up to meet his eyes, clearly contemplating the merits of his suggestion.

"Come on," he encouraged, "Wine, steak and carbs in a basket? How can you say no to that?"

A smile fluttered onto her lips and she nodded. "Okay."

He ducked his head to kiss her softly. "Okay."

* * *

An hour later, Derek smiled across the table at his much calmer wife as she chattered on happily about her morning surgery. The tension had disappeared from her shoulders and the darkness from her eyes. She had relaxed noticeably the moment they left the hospital together.

He chuckled when she reached for her third roll of bread from the basket their waiter had left to tide them over while they waited for their entrées. The restaurant was busy; they had had to wait for twenty minutes for a table. With a little over a week to go until Christmas, a mass of people were taking a break from their shopping to have dinner.

Meredith shot him a playfully glare, daring him to mention her appetite.

He simply smiled back and said nothing.

"I'm glad we got our shopping done early," she commented. "I hate shopping on a normal day, let alone when the stores are overrun with people."

He nodded his agreement. With his family being across the country, he had to shop early so he could have everything wrapped and shipped before the holiday. She had let him convince her to tag along several times this year, and even had her help with the wrapping. And he had smiled every time he had written _from Uncle Derek & Aunt Meredith_ on a tag or card.

A year earlier, he had been as certain as he could about a future with the amazing new woman in his life, but it had only been months at that point. It was different now. Better. Permanent. She was his _family_ now. Presents to the Shepherds were from _them_ now.

She smiled softly at him before releasing a long sigh. "I'm sorry I was a basket case earlier."

He smiled back and offered her a shrug. "That's okay."

She raised an eyebrow. "You weren't exactly supposed to agree with that..."

Derek chuckled. "You make a cute basket case."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm glad I can amuse you."

"Me too," he quipped.

She pretended to huff at his comment, but her eyes softened as they met his.

"What?" He urged.

"Thanks," she said quietly. "This was a really nice idea, going out for dinner."

He nodded. "We should do this more often now that we have some more time." With their hectic schedules, they had rarely had the time or energy to do much together outside the hospital, but now that they had settled into their new home and Meredith's interns were much more independent, suddenly they found themselves with the odd evening together.

"We'd have a lot more time if I wasn't crazy," she said flatly.

Derek sighed. "You're not crazy," he assured. "There's nothing wrong with you."

"There's a lot wrong with me," she countered, looking down at the table. Her fingers picked nervously at the folded napkin set before her.

He reached across the table to lay his hand over hers. "There's nothing _wrong_ with you," he repeated. "You've been through more than most people can imagine, and you're looking for help now. That makes you strong. I know what you're trying to do isn't easy, Mer, but I'm proud of you for doing it."

She glanced up at him, her eyes showing more vulnerability then he'd seen from her in some time. "Do you really think that?"

"That you're strong? Absolutely."

"I don't always feel strong.

He squeezed her hand. "I know you don't. But you are." He offered her the best smile he could.

She smiled back for several moments before biting down on her lower lip.

He cocked his head. "What?"

Her eyes flickered, but stayed on his gaze. "Do you ever feel...not strong?"

Despite his own personal growth over the past year, Derek had to fight against the fleeting urge to deny admitting to it. But his wife needed him to be open. "Yeah," he admitted, "I do. A lot, actually."

"Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel less like a basket case?"

He chuckled. "I'm not just saying it. Don't you remember how much of a basket case _I_ was after your accident?" He could still acutely remember the utter desperation that had gripped his heart and mind for weeks after he'd almost lost her, but still couldn't believe that had led to him basically demanding she marry him on the spot.

"That was different."

He shrugged. "Depends how you see it, I guess. And it was just one example." He paused before admitting, "I struggle sometimes. I worry I'm not enough."

"Not enough for what?"

"Not enough for my patients. Not enough for my family." He met her gaze, "Not enough for you."

"That is not true," she said immediately. "You are more than enough for me."

He squeezed her hand again, amazed at how supportive she was of _him_ even though they were talking about _her_. "I know you feel that way, and most of the time I believe you, but I still have my moments." He offered her a smile. "Just like I know that you know that in my eyes you're the most amazing person in the world, but you sometimes have moments."

She returned his smile, and her strength in that moment tugged at his heart.

"It's more than just moments for me," she whispered, "Especially now."

"You've opened yourself up," he acknowledged.

"I don't like it," she said flatly.

"I know." He chuckled at her tenacity.

She sighed and turned her hand over underneath his so she could grip tightly to it. "I want to be better. It's been a month."

He nodded, and briefly debated verbalizing what was on his mind before actually doing so. She was much more open to suggestion now than she had been earlier in his office, and she'd lost the defeated look in her eyes. It was time to set up for the push. "It has been a month," he agreed, "But in comparison to how long it took for you to develop the behaviour that's not actually that long."

A film of moisture appeared on her eyes, but she didn't look away. Her hand gripped tighter to his. "Do you think it's going to take years to fix?"

He shook his head. "No, I really don't."

She inhaled a shaky breath, but still didn't look away.

His heart tugged again at her strength. "Meredith," he said softly, just saying her name for the sake of saying it. He loved saying her name.

Her eyes closed in an extended blink, as if relishing the sound of her name on his lips.

"Meredith," he said again, just because. "You're amazing. Extraordinary." He knew how important that word was to her. "Think of how much you've overcome. You're a surgeon and one of the best residents in a top rated hospital. You have so much compassion for other people. You've been there for me every time I've needed you." He took a breath as he gave her a moment to absorb his words. "And don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not strong and capable. Yes, you've got some...behaviours that you want to change. That's all. The behaviour doesn't stop you from being the best resident in the hospital. It doesn't stop you from showing compassion to other people." He squeezed her hand. "And it doesn't stop you from being my wife."

She smiled at that.

"Okay? You take as long as you need for your therapy, but don't think that means your life – _our_ life – is on hold. You can go to therapy and still be fighting for every surgery you can get at work. And you can still go to therapy while we build a life together. Don't think it stops you from having a life, or being incapable of having a life, because it doesn't."

Her smile grew and the sheen of tears in her eyes all but disappeared. She sat up a little straighter. Her chest rose and fell evenly as took a steady breath.

Derek felt his heart swell with pride as he watched her reaction to his words, knowing he'd gotten through to her. She'd _heard_ him and his words had made her feel good about herself.

"You're right," she said at last. "I'm still me. I'm just not the me I want to be."

"You will be," he promised, before smiling warmly at her, "Just remember that I love the you that you are. I don't need you to change."

"I know." She squeezed his hand. "But I need to change for me."

He squeezed her hand back. "I know."

And it was that simple. They understood each other. She knew he didn't need her to change, and he knew she needed to change for her. It hadn't been an easy point to get to, but here they were.

Their waiter appeared beside the table with their dinner orders before either could say anything further. Derek released her hand as the waiter set the plates down, looking frazzled as he apologized for the delay, blaming it on the influx of customers and the time of year.

"It's no problem," Derek assured. The waiter hurried away and Derek looked down at his plate. He frowned at the steak before looking across the table to Meredith's plate. She mirrored his expression, having looked up from the chicken and vegetable before her, and then they laughed together. "I think this is yours," he said as he picked up the plate before him and offered it to her.

"And I think this is yours," she echoed, accepting the plate as she passed him his.

Despite the mix-up, the food was delicious. Meredith was halfway through her steak when she sighed and looked up to meet his eyes. She had fallen silent after the food arrived, and he had let her, knowing she needed to process their conversation. She had to internalize her thoughts before she could make sense of them out loud.

"I don't need therapy to have the life I'm living," she said, as if thinking out loud.

He nodded his agreement, glad he had made her see it.

"But I _want_ to change some things so I can live...more fully."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"And you're right. It can take however long it takes," she paused, "But I really don't want it to take forever."

"I know."

She sighed. "I'm already going twice a week. I don't want to be there more."

"I don't think it's so much about the amount of time."

"What do you think would help?" She asked, and though she asked the question lightly, he knew what kind of weight it held. She was asking for the push he knew she was looking for earlier. She was asking for his opinion, was asking for him to be her partner. The level of trust he saw in her gaze almost took his breath away.

"I think, from what you've told me, that Wyatt knows what she's doing."

Meredith nodded her agreement.

"So, if she keeps asking the same questions, they're probably important questions."

She sighed. "I knew you were going to say that."

He offered her a wry smile. "I know you don't want to talk about your childhood with her, but I think..." He trailed off for a moment, not wanting to use the wrong words. Too demanding and she'd shy away, too soft and she'd not get the push she wanted. "I think it could really help."

"I don't like talking about my mom and what she did."

"I know."

"It was so long ago. It shouldn't matter now."

He paused before pushing a little bit harder. "Exactly. It _shouldn't_ matter now. But it does, doesn't it?"

She clearly wanted to say no to his question, but couldn't. Instead, she sighed and closed her eyes.

"What your mother did was awful. I can't even imagine how you must have felt." While they had both watched their parents bleed, his father hadn't had any choice in the matter. Ellis had. _That_ was the point.

"I don't know how to talk about it," she admitted.

Derek may not be able to imagine how she felt during Ellis's suicide attempt, but he definitely understood why she didn't want to talk about it. He rarely talked about his father.

He reached across the table and tapped his fingers until the sound drew her to open her eyes. She quickly placed her hand in his and squeezed tightly. "I know you don't know how to talk about it. I know it's hard."

She sniffed, but her eyes remained dry. "You're the only person I've ever told."

He'd suspected that might be the case, but he hadn't known for sure. It was both gratifying and intimidating that she trusted him, and only him, _that_ much. "It wasn't that bad telling me, was it?"

She raised an eyebrow.

He released a laughing breath. "I meant after. I know that _telling_ me was hard. But it was one conversation. Things didn't change after, right? Nothing bad happened because you told me."

She nodded.

"Do you think something bad will happen if you tell Wyatt?"

Meredith closed her eyes again, but didn't pull her hand away. He gave her time to think about his question. This was probably about control, too. Maybe keeping it a secret meant she could pretend it didn't happen. Maybe Ellis still had some sort of hold on her.

After several moments, she opened her eyes. "I guess I could tell her."

"When you're ready," he said, both agreeing to her statement and ensuring she knew she had control over the decision.

She sighed. "I wish I was normal."

He squeezed her hand. "I don't. Because then you wouldn't be you."

She smiled and squeezed his hand back. "I don't know how I'd be able to do this without you."

"You'll never have to find out," he promised.

* * *

Meredith paced back and forth down the hall, passing Wyatt's office with every lap. Her session had been scheduled to begin almost half an hour earlier, but she hadn't brought herself to knock and go in yet. She'd been pacing since before her session was even scheduled to begin.

It was her last scheduled session before Christmas, which was only two days away, and it was so tempting to just go in and pretend like everything was fine. Or to just not go in at all. It was tempting to just leave _this_ conversation until after the holiday, or even after the new year started.

She wanted desperately to not need to do this. She wanted what her mother did to not matter. But Derek's words kept repeating in her head. _It shouldn't matter now. But it does, doesn't it?_

It did matter. She'd come to accept this in the days since that conversation with her husband. It mattered and it affected her and it limited her. It was something she kept hidden so deep inside herself that she liked to pretend it hadn't happened. But it had happened. She'd never been able to completely forget about it, regardless of her avoidance and her refusal to speak of it.

It happened and it mattered.

That she'd told Derek still surprised her at times. It wasn't something she'd ever planned on telling him, but she'd been caught at an all time weak moment. Her mother had called her ordinary. Her mother had been _lucid_ and called her ordinary, after five years of hard work and progress on Meredith's part. She'd faced her mother as a Dartmouth medical school graduate and Seattle Grace surgical resident. And she'd still been ordinary. She'd still not been enough to measure up to her mother and her mother's expectations.

She wondered briefly if she would have told Derek eventually anyway, and was surprised to find herself glad he knew and hopeful that she would have told him anyway. He was right. Nothing had changed between them after he knew. He'd still looked at her in _that_ way. He'd still loved her. He'd still wanted her.

He didn't look at her like she was ordinary.

And that was all she needed. He loved her no matter what. She had his support no matter what. She'd never be ordinary in _his_ eyes.

She could tell Wyatt and her world wouldn't fall apart.

With a deep breath, Meredith steeled herself for what was to come and knocked on Wyatt's door.

"You're late," Wyatt chastised the moment she pulled open the door.

"My mother tried to kill herself when I was a kid," was Meredith's response, taking both psychiatrist and patient by surprise. She'd meant to say it, but not like this, standing in an open doorway, thirty minutes late to her session and facing an annoyed therapist.

Meredith wrapped her arms around her middle, protective. Her eyes burned, but she refused to let her weakness show through. Her feet itched to run away, but she refused to let them. She was going to fix this.

It happened and it mattered, but she was determined to make it stop mattering.

"Come in and sit," Wyatt said quietly, urging Meredith out of the hallway and into the familiar room.

Meredith padded across the floor to the couch and sat. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She let her eyes drift over to the fish tank.

"Meredith," Wyatt said quietly, comfortingly, after several moments of silence. There wasn't an ounce of her initial frustration left in her voice, as if she understood Meredith had only been late because she had been building herself up to do this. She gave Meredith a chance to respond, and when she didn't, she continued. "Thank you for feeling comfortable sharing that with me." Again, she gave Meredith the opportunity to respond before continuing. "How about we review what we were talking about last week?" She offered.

"No." Meredith knew what she was doing. It was a trick Wyatt had used regularly; one Meredith had recognized and appreciated right from the beginning. But Meredith didn't want it now. She didn't need to be slowly eased into talking by starting with something easier. She just wanted to get this over with. She took a deep breath and shifted her eyes back to Wyatt. "This is the kind of thing you need to know, right?"

Wyatt nodded. "Yes."

"Then let's just get it over with." She took another deep breath. Her eyes stung, but she ignored it. "My mother tried to kill herself when I was five because the love of her life left her."

"Your father?"

She shook her head. "Why my mother and father got married and had a child, I don't know the answer to. All I know is that they weren't happy. My mother had an affair with a colleague for the entirety of her residency. They were both married, but my mother really loved him. When their residencies were over, they decided to each get divorced and be together for real. My mother followed through, but _he_ didn't. He broke up with her at the park when I was five. My mother had taken me there to ride the carousel. I watched the whole thing and afterwards she forgot to come and get me. I was stuck on the carousel for a long time. When the carousel people finally realized, they got me off. She practically dragged me back to the car and she was never the same after that."

"I'm sorry that had to happen to you, Meredith-"

Meredith cut her off by holding up her hand. "Stop. Just...let me talk. You need to know all of this, and it took me a long time to convince myself to tell you. I don't want to stop along the way to talk about my feelings."

"Okay."

"I don't know how much time passed after that. A few weeks, maybe. Then one day she brought a scalpel home from work. I was playing on the floor in the kitchen."

"You were there?"

Eyes still trained on the fish tank, Meredith nodded. "Yes, I was there." She fell silent.

"It's okay to talk about it," Wyatt said soothingly.

"It's not," Meredith countered, finding the strength to finally shift her gaze to the therapist. "My mother slit her wrists with a scalpel right in front of me and I had to sit in a pool of her blood until she passed out so I could call nine-one-one."

"Why did you have to wait?"

Meredith took a deep, shuddery breath before digging down into herself for the strength to keep talking. She was so far outside her element right now, it was all she could do not to physically make a run for it. "I was playing on the kitchen floor. She sat beside me, pulled out the scalpel and made me promise not to call for help. I...I didn't want to get in trouble. I'd been trying to be extra good because I still thought my father might come home if I was extra good." Tears welled in her eyes now at the unfairness of it all, but she ignored them. Dwelling on the emotional control Ellis had utilized as a parent wouldn't do anything to comfort the scared and vulnerable child Meredith had once been.

"She didn't even flinch when she slit her wrists. She just looked so clinical. And there was so much blood. Then she looked me in the eyes and told me to be extraordinary." She closed her eyes at the memory as a surge of emotional pain washed over her. She so desperately didn't want to be ordinary. She wanted to prove to her mother that she could be extraordinary. "Eventually she passed out. I didn't want to get in trouble, but I knew what all the blood meant, and I didn't want her to die. So, I called nine-one-one. And I got some towels and tried to stop the bleeding. And then the paramedics came."

"Did they bring her here?"

She shook her head. "Mercy West. They took me with them. They wouldn't let me stay with her. They left me in the doctors' lounge. I can remember..." She trailed off as her emotions got the better of her. She swiped at her face and swallowed hard. "I remember sitting alone on the floor because I didn't want to get blood on the furniture. I thought I'd get in trouble if I did."

"They didn't give you fresh clothes?"

"The social worker did when she showed up. The clothes were too big, but they were dry."

"Did the social worker take you to your father?"

"No. She took me to group home. I was there for about a week. No one really talked to me. And I didn't say a word the whole time I was there. I think I thought she was dead. Then she just showed up and it was all over."

"Did she discuss what had happened with you?"

"No."

"Did you ever see a therapist or-"

"No." Meredith cut her off. "My mother valued strength. She'd think I was weak for needing help." She scoffed. "She'd think I was weak and ordinary just for being here now."

Wyatt frowned. "Meredith, being here, needing help, does not make you weak or ordinary. You've displayed a significant amount of strength to tell me these things."

Meredith nodded numbly. "Is there anything else you need to know?"

"What happened with your father?"

"He left. He packed up his things and promised to see me soon. And then he was gone and I never saw or heard from him again until this year. There was a bomb threat last year. I got caught in the blast and afterwards..." She sighed. "I guess I convinced myself maybe I just knew my mother's version and maybe there was a box full of unopened cards somewhere or something. I looked him up and went to his house. But there was no box of unopened cards. He wasn't glad to see me. Then a few months later he showed up at the hospital with his wife and pregnant daughter." She briefly described Molly's pregnancy and Laura's medical scares. She explained Susan's goodness and the relationship between Susan and Meredith that had been developing. She told Wyatt of the hope she had had that maybe she'd found a family. "But then Susan died," she said bluntly. "She was dying and she reached for me and there was nothing I could do to save her.

"Thatcher wouldn't let me go to the funeral. He showed up drunk and angry at the hospital on that morning. He yelled, said he blamed me and I wasn't welcome." She paused before admitting, "He hit me after he found out about Susan. I guess that should have been enough for me to realize how little I mattered to him."

"He hit you? Where?"

She touched her cheek. "He slapped me. In the waiting room. In front of the Chief, my Chief Resident and Derek."

"And what did you do?"

"I ran."

"What did Derek do?"

"He came after me." She allowed herself to remember the comfort he'd given her. She knew he would have wanted to retaliate against Thatcher in that moment, but his will to be with her had been stronger. "Then when Thatcher showed up the morning of the funeral, he wouldn't let him get too close to me."

"And then your other half sister starting working here," Wyatt said, making the connections from the little information Meredith had told her.

Meredith nodded, and proceeded to give a more detailed explanation of Lexie's sudden appearance, their interactions and eventual acceptance. She also explained the conversation she'd had with Thatcher when he had shown up in the ER with an injured hand.

"Did you ever ask about your father when you were a child?" Wyatt asked once Meredith had finished, moving the conversation back in time again.

"A few times. She'd get angry or yell at me. She never gave me an explanation, so I stopped asking. She didn't give me many explanations, actually. She treated me like I was stupid. I'd ask questions and she'd tell me I was too young or too weak to understand. She always made me feel like I was failing to extraordinary." She went on to explain Ellis's neglect and determination to spend most of her time at the hospital. She explained that she had spent most of her time alone at home, not getting enough supervision, food or attention. She'd started to act out in high school to get some attention; knowledge she hadn't even needed a shrink to tell her. She'd been a smart teenager. She'd known why she was acting out while she was doing it; not that it had worked.

She told Wyatt about applying to medical school to prove she could get in, and then fighting with her mother when she didn't want to go. She told Wyatt how she had gone to Europe to get away, and that she'd gotten news that her mother was sick, so she had to go home. She told Wyatt that she'd gone to medical school to make her mother happy, and that she'd tried to turn over a new leaf, but keeping her mother at home during her first year of medical school had kept her from making any lasting connections with other students. She explained the decision to put her mother into a home, and how isolated she'd felt in school. She'd knowingly made the wrong kind of friends in order to have _someone_ in her life.

She told Wyatt that she'd taken the residency in Seattle because she thought that was what her mother would have wanted. She explained how she had initially kept her mother's condition secret, but it had come out. She explained what had happened the day her mother had been lucid and had called her ordinary. She explained how she had felt after her mother had died.

She told Wyatt that she was the second person she had ever told any of this to.

When she was done, she wiped the lines of tears off of her cheeks and met Wyatt's gaze. "Anything else?"

"Only if you have more to tell me."

Meredith sighed. "You should probably know that the man my mother had an affair with, the love of her life, is my Chief of Surgery."

Wyatt started slightly at this.

Meredith shrugged. "I didn't know when I took the job, but I figured it out. I called him on it and he admitted it. It's not just me thinking it's him."

"Okay."

"Okay," Meredith repeated back mechanically. She'd run out of anything to say.

Wyatt offered her a small smile and shook her head. "Thank you for telling me all of that. I know it can't have been easy."

Meredith wiped her cheeks again, but said nothing.

"You say you became a doctor for your mother."

"Yes."

Wyatt pursed her lips in contemplation before asking, "But your mother is gone now. So, why do you keep doing it?"

The question took Meredith by surprise. "I..." She trailed off, unable to come up with an answer.

Wyatt offered her an encouraging smile. "Are you still a doctor because you're still trying to live up to your mother's expectations? Or are you still a doctor because that's what you want to do with your life?"

Realization washed over Meredith with the first question. She hadn't even realized she had been doing it with her mother as well. "I made her a role model," she whispered.

Wyatt nodded. "I think you did. The question is, is she still a role model? Are you still trying to live up to her expectations, or are you living for you?"

Tears welled in her eyes as she shook her head. "I don't know," she whispered.

"Maybe that's something you need to take some time to think about."

Meredith blinked furiously as tears began to stream down her cheeks. She'd been crying steadily while she had bared her childhood and family memories to Wyatt, but those had been single tears with space between. The new tears streamed from her eyes one after another as she fought to understand whose life she was living.

"She made me like this, didn't she?" She demanded, suddenly overwhelmed with anger towards her mother. "She made me look for role models because she taught me to twist myself into knots trying to live up to her fucking expectations."

"Meredith-"

"I was _never_ good enough," she said fiercely. "She treated me like I was _ordinary_. She did this to me!"

Wyatt rose and walked out of Meredith's line of sight for several moments. She then came back into view and passed Meredith a bottle of water.

"Just take a sip and try to calm down. You can't change what she did to you, but you _can_ change how you react to it now."

Meredith tried to take a sip of the water, but started coughing at the first drop of water to hit the back of her throat. She felt her breathing escalate and shut her eyes tight as panic washed over her. She was losing control, just like that time with Lexie after Thatcher cut his hand.

"Slow, deep breaths," Wyatt's calm voice found her in her panic.

The words didn't help, but the tone did, and Meredith managed a single full breath.

A knock sounded at the door before Wyatt could say more. The therapist was quick to her feet. Meredith recognized the voice of the department receptionist on the other side of the door. She'd been surprised to see the light on under door so late. Meredith glanced at the clock on the wall and felt her demeanour fall even further. Her session was supposed to end almost an hour earlier and she knew she was Wyatt's last appointment of the day.

"I'm sorry," she choked out to Wyatt after the therapist had closed the door. "I'm keeping you late."

"It's no problem, Meredith. I'm sure your patients keep you late plenty, too."

She stood. "I'll go. I don't want to keep you."

"Sit down," Wyatt said calmly. "I want to make sure you're okay before I leave. This was a very tough session for you. Do you have to drive yourself home?"

She sat back down and shook her head. "Derek always waits for me." Other than the few times he had been in surgery or with a patient, he had always been waiting in his office for her. She would leave her session, go to the Residents' Lounge to change and then go to her husband's office. He would always offer unconditional love and support, regardless of her demeanour following her session. And he'd hug her.

And right now, she _really _needed a hug.

"Why don't I page him for you? Then I'll know you're okay and you won't be alone."

Meredith sniffed and nodded at the suggestion. She suddenly wanted her husband desperately. He'd made her feel grounded again. He'd banish the feeling of being out of control. "Okay."

Wyatt moved to her desk and picked up the phone. Meredith could hear her speaking with switchboard, requesting Dr. Shepherd be paged to her office. Just the knowledge that Derek would be here soon helped her to catch her breath. He was coming. He would be there soon. She could breathe.

Wyatt sat back down on her chair and leaned forward, meeting Meredith's gaze. "I'm very glad you told me all of these things, Meredith. The only thing I'm sorry about is that it'll be a week before we can have another session." She pulled a card out of her picket and passed it to Meredith. "I have an emergency line if you need me over the holidays."

Meredith took the card with a nod. "Thanks."

"We will fix this," Wyatt promised. "I know it feels impossible right now, but all of this was necessary. I know you're not comfortable opening yourself up like this, but it is necessary to heal and move forward. You've taken the hardest step, Meredith. I want to stress that point to you. _You've taken the hardest step_. And that took a great deal of strength. I _will_ help you move forward from this."

"It does feel impossible right now," Meredith admitted.

"I know. But it's not. You came to me with a vague problem. We were then able to define the problem and recognize its pattern, and now we've identified the root. We can only go forward from here."

"I never realized..." She'd asked herself why she had looked for role models, but never when it had started or what had been the aetiology. Ellis had constantly made her feel like she had something to live up to. She'd made herself larger than life to Meredith, and with that made herself an impossible role model for Meredith, because she'd never be able to live up to expectations it had created.

Meredith had been set up to feel like a failure right from childhood. She hadn't had a chance.

"You're capable of living your own life, Meredith, just remember that."

Meredith nodded, though she wasn't sure if she believed her. The life she'd thought she'd been living was suddenly up for question.

There was a knock at the door. Meredith's heart clenched. She needed her husband. Right now. She had her breathing somewhat under control, but she wouldn't be able to keep that control for much longer without help. _His_ help.

Wyatt answered the door and ushered Derek inside the room. The moment he saw her, his eyes filled with concern and he hurried to sit next to her on the couch. "Hey," he murmured, placing one hand on her back tentatively. "I was getting worried when it got so late. Are you...okay?"

She turned into him and buried her face into his shoulder. "No," she whispered.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. She took comfort from his warmth. He had already changed to go home, into a white button down and navy sweater. She loved this sweater. It was so soft. She hated dampening it with her tears, but she couldn't help it. She clutched at him, wanting to be closer.

"What happened?" Derek asked, though from his tone, she could tell he wasn't talking to her. He was addressing Wyatt.

Wyatt said nothing.

After a moment, Meredith raised her head to see Wyatt standing silently by her chair.

"It's okay," Meredith told her. Being a doctor, she realized Wyatt's position. Even though she had paged Derek to her office, she legally couldn't even acknowledge the doctor-patient relationship between herself and Meredith without Meredith's permission. "You can talk to him."

Wyatt nodded before turning to Derek. "We had a tough session. I just didn't want her going home by herself." She offered them both an encouraging smile. "Stay as long as you need. Just turn off the light and close the door behind you. And Meredith, remember what I said. I'll see you next week."

"Okay."

Wyatt left them alone.

Derek turned to her, confusion and concern written all over his face. "This is a _tough_ session? What the hell did she do to you?"

She shook her head. "She didn't do anything to me. I...I told her. Everything."

"_Everything_ everything?"

She nodded.

"I thought you were going to wait a bit?"

"I was. But then..." She huffed. "What's the point in waiting? I just wanted to get it over with. And coming here twice a week knowing that I need to tell her something is useless."

"So, how did it go?"

She raised an eyebrow in question.

He released a laughing breath. "Sorry, it's pretty clear how it went." He ran a hand through his hair. "Sorry," he said again, "I'm not good at this. I want to be. I just don't know what to say. What do you need me to do to help you?"

She leaned closer to rest her forehead against his chin. She angled her neck and inhaled the scent of _Derek _wafting from his neck. "You _are_ good at this. Honestly, the fact that you sometimes don't know what to say make me feel better about myself."

He chuckled and began to run her back. "Thank you, I guess?"

Surprising herself, she laughed quietly, amazed that he could make her feel so much better so quickly.

"So, you told her," he echoed her earlier words.

"I told her."

"And you're still okay."

"I...am," she accepted. It had been horrible, but now it was over. Her past was out there for Wyatt to know about.

He pulled back to meet her eyes.

"She pointed out some things. It was unexpected. And now I'm...confused."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I do," she told him, "But not now. I need to...digest it. And not here." She took a deep breath and ran her hand across his shoulder and up his neck to rest on his cheek. "I really want to go home."

He covered her hand with his and leaned in to kiss her gently. "Okay." He then kissed her on the forehead. "Let's go home."

They stood and walked together, hand in hand, from Wyatt's office to the Residents' Lounge so she could change out of her scrubs. Meredith was both relieved that the weight of knowledge was off of her shoulders and confused at the connections Wyatt had made her see. Whose life was she really living? Did she even want to be a doctor? Was she only fighting to be a good surgeon to make her mother proud?

She didn't know what was worse; the questions themselves or the fact that she didn't have answers for them.

It would be tough to really face the questions, she knew, but she also knew it would be easier than it had been to face her past and tell it all to Wyatt.

_One step at a time,_ she silently told herself. She squeezed Derek's hand, and smiled when she squeezed hers back, knowing that she had him no matter what.

And he understood now. She'd watched him slowly start to understand more and more as her therapy had progressed, but now she saw no hint of uncertainty or doubt in his eyes. He no longer questioned why he wasn't enough to help her.

She could tell he understood now that he _was _helping her. His support and love were more than therapy could ever offer.


	124. Second Christmas

On their first Christmas together, Meredith had woken up in Derek's arms. She had been warm and didn't want to leave the comforts of her bed. In response to the alarm – which had played upbeat Christmas carols – Derek had buried his face into the back of her neck and held her tight. They had savoured the moment together and had then shared a very enjoyable shower.

This year, their second Christmas together and their first as a married couple, was nothing like the last one.

Meredith jolted awake to the screech of her pager. Instead of waking in Derek's arms, she awoke alone in a cold, hard on-call room bed. Despite the holiday season and lack of scheduled surgeries, the hospital still needed to be staffed, and apparently HR had approved too many leave requests. Meredith and Derek had been lucky to have their shifts coincide so that at least they could be at home together. They had worked the day before, Christmas Eve, and had been on-call overnight. They were then schedule to work until five that evening, and then be back the next morning. There would be no turkey dinner for them, but at least they'd have the evening together.

With a groan, Meredith rolled off of the bed and stood. A glance at her watch told her she'd had three hours of sleep since her last page. That was more than she would have thought, but still not enough to make her feel human. Derek had been called into surgery at midnight – a drunk man leaving a party had caused a pile up on the freeway – and she hadn't seen him since.

After stretching to regain mobility in her stiff limbs, she hurried down to the ER.

"I was paged," she said to the on duty ER nurse.

"Bed three," the nurse said, handing Meredith a chart.

"Thanks." She opened the chart as she walked across the ER to bed three and pulled back the curtain. A young boy in reindeer pajamas lay in the bed, two equally worried parents sat on either side of him. "Hi, I'm Dr. Grey-Shepherd. What seems to be the problem?"

"He fell of the roof," said the mother. "Oh, please. Please tell me he's going to be okay. We didn't know where he went, and then he was screaming from outside."

Meredith put the chart down on the end of the bed. "When did this happen?"

"Less than an hour ago," the father answered. "We just put him in the car and got him here."

That explained why he wasn't on a backboard.

"Hi, Mathew," she greeted the young boy as she pulled on a pair of gloves.

He was holding an icepack to his head, but managed to scowl despite the expression of pain on his face. "Matt," he said.

"He doesn't like being called Mathew," the mother explained.

Meredith smiled. "Okay, Matt. It looks like your head hurts. Is that all that hurts?"

"My arm, too," he said with a sniff.

"Not your back? Or your neck?"

"No."

She glanced at his parents. "How high was the roof?"

"Just one storey. He was climbing onto the roof above the garage."

She turned back to Matt. "Where does your head hurt?"

He showed her with his hand. "But don't touch it, it hurts."

"I'll be very careful," she promised, probing the area around the obvious bump on his head. There was no sign of broken skin or obvious skull fracture.

"Did he lose consciousness?"

"I don't think so," the mother said. She seemed to have calmed down now that Meredith was here looking at her son. "He just started screaming."

Meredith pulled a penlight out of her pocket and took a look at Matt's pupils. She had then had him follow her finger and nodded, happy with his response. "And what were you doing on the roof?" She asked.

He sniffed. "I wanted to see if the reindeer tracks were still there in the snow."

She blinked before she understood what he was saying. Santa and his reindeer. One of the many childhood beliefs she hadn't been allowed.

"I tried staying up last night to see Santa and the reindeer, but I fell asleep."

"I'm sorry about that," she said, hoping she was saying the right thing, "But from what I know about Santa is that he knows when you're still awake. He wouldn't have shown up until he knew you were asleep. And I don't know that magic reindeer leave hoof prints on roofs."

Matt's parents smiled gratefully at her, and she stifled a smile of her own, proud that she had said something right about Santa and reindeer to a child on Christmas.

Matt sighed. "I just wanted to see them once."

"I think you only get to see him if he decides to let you. So, no more climbing on the roof, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay," she echoed. "Now, does the light hurt your eyes?"

"A little."

"How old are you?"

"Five."

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Green."

"What's your best friend's name?"

"Tommy."

She nodded, happy with his easy responses. "Do you know your last name?"

He nodded. "Stephenson."

"Can you spell that?"

"Yeah," he said proudly. "I just learned." He proceeded to very carefully spell the word for Meredith, making sure to enunciate each and every letter.

"Very good," she praised when he was finished. "Do you know your phone number?"

He proceeded to tell her his phone number.

"Okay. Let's have a look at that arm." She gently examined the arm, taking note of only a small bruise, before turning to his parents. "I don't think the arm is broken, but I'm going to order an x-ray just in case. And I'm going to send him for a head CT. Externally, he's not showing signs of anything significant, but I'd like to make sure."

"What if something is wrong?" The mother asked, worried.

"I don't want you to get ahead of yourself," Meredith soothed, "But if it is, out best neurosurgeon is working this morning. I will make sure to have him look at the films after the scan."

"Thank you," the mother said gratefully, before her eyes filled with tears. "I can't believe this happened. He woke us up all excited that it was Christmas. I told him to go downstairs to open his stocking and then he was screaming from outside."

Meredith offered her a smile. "These things happen."

Two hours later, Meredith yawned as she sat in the viewing room of the CT machine, watching her young patient's unremarkable brain images flash across the screen. The x-ray of his arm had been unremarkable as well. And after ordering the tests, she had done a full exam to make sure there wasn't any other sign of damage. Despite its boring nature, it was a good case for Christmas day. She'd be sending home a family with the good news that nothing was wrong with their son.

Footsteps echoed from the doorway to the small room, and she didn't look up, expecting it to be the CT Tech returning from his break, but the moment the originator of the footsteps sat beside her, she knew it was Derek.

"Hey," he greeted, his voice thick with lack of sleep. "The ER said you had a kid in here that needed a consult."

Smiling at how focused he was on the young patient, she gave him the history and results of her exam. He stared at the images on the computer screen for several moments before relaxing. He leaned towards her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas," she returned. He wrapped an arm around her and she leaned into him. She rested her head against his shoulder and sighed. "How was your surgery?"

"Surgeries," he corrected. "Three surgeries. Everyone should make a full recovery."

"That's good."

He stifled a yawn as he nodded.

"Do you have anything else scheduled?"

"No more pages yet." He rested his head against hers.

"After you talk to this kid's parents, do you want to grab something to eat?"

"More than you can imagine. I'm starving. Nice way to spend Christmas morning, huh?"

She shrugged. "Could be worse, I guess. This kid's parents thought they'd watch their son opening his presents from Santa this morning. Instead they're here in the hospital, worried he's hurt because he fell off the roof trying to see if Santa's reindeer left tracks."

Derek chuckled. "That's why he was on the roof?"

She nodded.

"Yeah, I did that once. Or tried, anyway."

"You did?"

He nodded. Nancy told me she'd heard the reindeer on the roof, so I put my coat and boots on and went out to have a look."

"Did you fall, too?"

He chuckled again. "No. I was only four. Nancy told on me and my dad caught me trying to climb up the drain pipe. It felt like I climbed a really long way up, but I think I only really made it about three feet before my dad grabbed me."

She laughed.

He sighed wistfully. "I just wanted to see the reindeer tracks."

Meredith bit back a laugh at the parallels between her husband and her young patient. "Must be a boy thing. Even if I had believed in Santa and reindeer, there's no way I would have decided to climb onto the roof in the middle of winter to have a look."

"You may have a point. None of my sisters were interested in coming with me."

"When we have kids, if we have a boy, you're in charge of making sure he doesn't try to climb onto the roof."

Derek stiffened beside her.

"What?"

His arm tightened around her. "I'm just surprised to hear you say that. You haven't brought kids up since Lauren's wedding." He paused. "With all of your past coming back up, I wasn't sure if..."

She lifted her head and turned to him. "You thought I changed my mind about wanting kids?"

"No," he said carefully. "I just..." He sighed. "You haven't brought it up."

Meredith could remember how easy the subject had seemed at Lauren's wedding, only two months previous, having been surrounded by happy families for days. All of Derek's sisters were happily married with beautiful kids, and Meredith hadn't been able to not imagine what hers and Derek's children would look like. She and Derek had talked briefly about kids while dancing at the reception. They had agreed to talk about _when_ once they'd settled into their new home, and that time had long since passed by now.

"I guess we didn't talk about it like we agreed. I'm sorry."

He offered her a soft smile. "It's okay. It's not something I've been waiting for you to bring up. You just reminded me of it now when you brought up kids."

"Really?"

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Really. We both know right now isn't the right time anyway, so I wasn't worried."

"We'll talk soon," she promised. She agreed that now wasn't the right time, but they needed to figure out when the right time would be. Her second year of residency was far too hectic, but her third or fourth year may offer more opportunity. He'd been through residency, so he'd be in the best position to know.

"Okay."

"Just know that I haven't changed my mind."

"Okay," he said again, pressing another kiss to her cheek.

The rest of the scan was as unremarkable as the beginning and middle. Derek accompanied her as she brought Matt back to his parents. He discussed the results with them, as well as how to treat his headache symptoms over the next few days. Derek did a wonderful job being upbeat and encouraging for the young patient and his parents, but the moment Matt was released, he seemed to deflate.

"Are you sure you don't want to sleep instead of having something to eat?"

He met her eyes for a moment before shaking his head. "No, I want to spend some time with you. It's Christmas."

She smiled at him. "Our second Christmas."

His eyes sparkled at her words. "Our second Christmas," he echoed, reaching for her hand as they walked together towards the elevators.

"I like having all these seconds with you," she told him. "Second Thanksgiving. Second Christmas. Second New Years, next week."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed.

"It makes this all seem so permanent and normal."

He squeezed her hand. "That's because this _is_ permanent and normal."

Despite the confusion in her head since her last therapy session the day before Christmas Eve, Meredith took comfort in her certainty in Derek and their marriage. She was still shocked by the realization that her mother had been the first in an unhealthy cycle of role models, and she still had no answers to all of the new questions that realization brought up, but she didn't question her marriage. That was one decision that was hers and hers alone. She took comfort in that. She knew with certainty that she hadn't married Derek to meet anyone else's expectations.

It made her more appreciative than ever that she and Derek had said their vows on a beach with only a few days planning. Their wedding had been for them. No role models. No expectations. No failing to live up to anything or anyone's expectations.

Nothing for her to look back on and wonder about.

They reached the elevators and the moment she pushed the button the doors opened, revealing an empty car. She stepped on, followed closely by Derek. He pressed the button for their floor, and then as soon as the doors closed, pressed the emergency stop button.

Before she could ask what he was doing, he had her pressed against the wall, his body pressed against hers.

"What are you doing?" She squeaked in surprise.

"Don't you remember?" He whispered, his nose brushing against hers.

"Remember what?"

"Our tradition. Our Christmas elevator kiss."

She giggled in memory of their Christmas elevator kiss the year before, but before she could say a word, his lips had captured hers. All hints of laughter drifted away as she fell into the kiss. Derek's strong arms held her up against the wall and she wasn't sure if she'd stay upright should he release her. Wrapping her arms around him, she pulled him closer as she deepened the kiss.

When they eventually pulled away, both were breathing hard.

"I think," Meredith began, panting, "That was better," she breathed, "Than last year's kiss."

He pecked her lips. "I have to agree."

"Something to look forward to for next year," she said.

Derek beamed at her comment, kissing her softly again. "Absolutely." He kissed her cheek, the tip of her nose and then her forehead, before pressing his forehead to hers.

Together, they stood, wrapped up in each other, and breathed. Meredith lost track of how much time had passed, but couldn't bring herself to care. This was where she most wanted to be; with her husband, in his arms. He hummed softly, and she smiled. Her fingers wrapped around the worn fabric of his scrub top. His shoulders were firm and warm under her touch. He stepped back from the wall in response, pulling her with him. His hands ran down her back to the bottom of her scrub top and then slid under the fabric. He rested both hands on small of her back, skin to skin, his pinky fingers tucking just under the waistband of her scrub pants.

Meredith tilted her head to kiss him. "Merry Christmas," she whispered.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered back. He lifted his head away far enough to meet her eyes. His were bright and sparkling with love and energy as he was transformed from the weary surgeon who had stepped onto the elevator with her only minutes before. "I know the last year has been filled with so much..." He trailed off, unable to come up with the right word. "But right now, being able to remember last year's Christmas so well, it seems like the year passed so quickly."

"It kind of does seem like that," she agreed. She could still so easily remember the novelty of having someone to share the holiday with. She remembered arriving at the hospital together, of him buying them both coffee and joking that that was her Christmas present. Then he had kissed her in the elevator and she had decided that _that_ was her true Christmas present. She had laughed when he had joked that they should make the Christmas elevator kiss a tradition, but she had also hoped for it.

"Can you believe it's a year later and we're here?"

She raised an eyebrow. "That was the point, right? Elevator tradition. Your idea."

"I don't mean here," he said, waving his hand to signify the elevator. "I mean-"

She cut him off with a kiss. "I know what you meant." He meant _here_; where they were in life. Together. Committed. _Married. _

He smiled softly at her, clearly not planning on pushing her for an answer. But she wanted to give him one anyway.

"We were in different places this time last year," she pointed out. "You were sure, and I was as sure as I could be. I...couldn't always picture the future. And had you told me we would have been six months into our marriage and that we'd bought a home together and I'd met your family more than once and I actually got along really well with your family..." She trailed off. "I probably wouldn't have believed it. I may have believed it could happen one day, but not in just one year."

Derek nodded encouragingly, grateful for her honesty.

She smiled and shrugged. "I am glad we're here," she told him. "I don't know that I let myself picture today a year ago, but now that I'm here I wouldn't rather be anywhere else." As he had, she was referring to their life together.

"I'm glad."

"I'm glad, too."

With one last kiss, Derek reached to release the elevator from its emergency stop. They waited in comfortable silence as the elevator moved to their floor, and then they walked together to the cafeteria.

Following tradition, after they purchased lunch, they went to his office to eat. Both being hungry, they ate in relative silence for several moments before Derek sat back against the couch with a sigh. She placed both their plates on the small table by the couch and leaned back like her husband, resting her head against his shoulder. "Tired?"

"Getting there."

She patted his knee. "You just have to get through this afternoon. Then you can go home and sleep."

"But it's Christmas. We should spend time together."

"We're spending time together now."

"It's not the same. It's our first Christmas in our new home. And our first Christmas being married. I don't want to sleep through it."

She smiled at his insistence. "Derek, you haven't slept in thirty hours. It's okay to be tired."

He shifted to wrap his arm over her shoulder. "I know," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple as she resettled against him. "But it's Christmas," he repeated.

"Maybe you can sleep here before we go home," she suggested. "Even a couple hours could help."

"As long as I don't get paged again."

"Well, there is that." She laughed. "Sorry. I guess this job just kind of sucks on days like this."

"A little."

"I'm glad that at least we're both stuck here together."

He tightened his hold around her. "I'd be fine being stuck anywhere, as long as you were there, too."

"Corny," she said with a laugh, wrinkling her nose.

He shrugged and let his head hang right back to rest on the back of the couch. She guessed that his eyes were closed, too, even though she couldn't see them from her angle.

"Derek?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you ever question why you're a doctor?" They hadn't yet discussed the new questions posed by her last therapy session two days prior. With their hectic holiday schedule, she hadn't even had a chance to bring it up.

"Not really," he said with a yawn.

"Why did you become a doctor?"

"To save lives."

She smiled at the simplicity of his answer. To Derek, it probably was simple. He may play up the whole surgeon-with-a-god-complex stereotype, but at the end of the day, he was devoted to his patients. He fought for every life he saved and he felt every loss. After losing his father as a child, he'd probably set out to save lives like those of his father. Simple. A far cry from her path to medicine.

"But...do you ever question _why_ you wanted to save lives?" She pressed. He usually had the answers she needed, or at least the key to getting her answers.

He shifted a bit beside her. "After watching my dad die, I guess I wanted to be able to save people instead of...well, not."

"There was nothing you could have done," she whispered. She may be the one pushing the conversation, but she didn't want him stressing over something so far out of his control.

"I know. But that doesn't change the fact that when it happened, I felt like I should be able to do more. And now I can."

She nodded and took several moments to digest his words. His path to medicine had started from a young age, and had been initialized by a tragic event, but there had been no unhealthy role model for little Derek Shepherd growing up. Medicine had been his choice. He hadn't simply followed his sisters' leads or thrown himself into medicine in an attempt somehow go back and stop his father from being murdered in front of himself. He made the decision by himself and for himself. And he was clearly content with the result.

"Do you think you still would have become a doctor if your father had lived?"

No answer.

"Derek?" She prompted quietly, concerned she had upset him with painful memories on Christmas day. Still no response. She cautiously raised her head, but quickly smiled at the sight.

After more than thirty hours straight of life saving, he'd fallen asleep in the silence she'd taken to process his words. She reached out and brushed her palm against his cheek. "Oh, you," she murmured. He worked so hard and gave so much. He was the kind of doctor she wanted to be.

Her heart swelled with love for the exhausted man beside her. He was so _good_. And he was _hers._ How she'd managed to get so lucky, she may never know, but she would never take him for granted.

Leaning in, she pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He shifted slightly, and she used the small amount of awareness he had to prompt him to lay down on the couch. He groggily followed her directions. When he settled, he reached for her, but she forced herself to pull away. If she let him hold her now, she wouldn't be able to pull herself away any time soon, and she needed to get back to the floor. Instead, she knelt down beside him and pried his pager off of his waistband. Placing it on the pillow by his head, she leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "If you don't get paged, I'll wake you in a few hours."

"Mmm-kay," he mumbled. He took one deep breath, and then he was asleep.

* * *

"This sucks," Cristina complained, drumming her fingers annoyingly on the table of the conference room the three residents has taken over to catch up on their charts.

Izzie glared at her from across the table. "You know what else sucks? Not being able to concentrate because _someone_ is making too much noise."

Cristina glared back at Izzie and continued to drum her fingers.

"Seriously," Izzie snapped, smacking her hand on the table for effect.

With a sigh and eye roll, Cristina stopped. She sighed again. "It's just that this is supposed to be a plus to being Jewish. I'm supposed to work Christmas, without feeling guilty about missing out on family time-"

"Like you actually feel guilt," Izzie mumbled.

Ignoring Izzie, Cristina continued with, "-And get all the good surgeries without the competition. Right? Right! Except there are no surgeries. Every OR is empty. The ER is empty. Everyone is stable. Why do these things happen to me? It's not fair."

"You realize you're whining that no one had their Christmas ruined by getting into an accident bad enough to need surgery, right?" Meredith pointed out.

"Yes, because they've ruined _my_ Christmas."

Meredith laughed at both Cristina's pouting and Izzie's expression of disgust.

"I'm just saying," Cristina continued, huffing at Izzie's expression. She turned to Meredith. "You understand me, right?"

Meredith shrugged. "Usually, yes, but today I've got an hour and a half left before I can go wake up my husband and go home to salvage what's left of Christmas day."

Cristina made a face like she had a bad taste in her mouth. "I hate happy married you."

Meredith laughed.

"Are you and Derek going to have a Christmas dinner?" Izzie asked.

"We'll have dinner. On Christmas." She laughed. "We did the whole turkey dinner thing for Thanksgiving. Tonight will be leftovers and whatnot."

"That's too bad."

She shrugged. "It's really not that big a deal. Even stuck at the hospital for most of the day is infinitely better than what I used to do for Christmas. And I have Derek and you guys."

"Okay, seriously," Cristina cut in before Izzie could respond. "What happened to you? You're too happy. It's unsettling."

"It's nice being happy," she retorted.

Cristina shrugged before returning her attention to her charts. Izzie offered her a warm smile before following Cristina's lead. Meredith sighed as she too looked back down to her charts, but found she couldn't concentrate on the notes she should be making because she was suddenly preoccupied by her own statement.

_It's nice being happy_.

Was she really happy? She was pretty sure she was. Not all the time, but overall. And not only because of Derek. She really, really loved him and was absolutely certain she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, but _just_ him wasn't enough to make her this happy. And if she was living life for the wrong reasons, she wouldn't be happy, right? If possible, her own mind shrugged at her question, reminding her she had no answers.

"Do you either of you ever question why you became doctors?"

"Nope," Cristina said without looking up or even losing speed in her notes.

"Sometimes," Izzie said, "Like when I'm having a bad day or lose a patient. But then I remind myself that I get to try and save the next one." She shot Meredith an empathetic smile. "Did you lose a patient?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I meant the question more...broad. Everyone has those bad days where they question why it's worth it-"

"I don't," Cristina cut in, again without looking up.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Fine, everyone except Cristina has those days. But do you ever question why you _want_ to do this?"

Izzie furrowed her brow as she contemplated Meredith's question. "I don't think so. I wanted to make something of myself. I was good at science. I wanted to help people. It seemed like a good fit."

Meredith nodded as she absorbed Izzie's words, jealous again of the simplicity in the reasoning.

"Why?"

She sighed as the tables were turned on her when she could barely organize her own thoughts, let alone make sense of them. Derek normally helped her to at least be able to sort out her thoughts, but with their hectic shifts the last two days, they hadn't talked about her last session yet. He had driven her home in comfortable silence after he'd been paged to pick her up at Wyatt's office. Then they'd shared a quiet dinner before going to be early to prepare for their thirty-six hour shift. He'd given her the space to internalize all of her new thoughts, all the while offering unwavering support. He seemed to understand that she needed to internalize first to be able to explain things to him. Something Izzie didn't know to do. Still, though, she'd try.

"I think... I think I became a doctor for the wrong reasons. In fact, I know I became a doctor for the wrong reasons. I always found science and math easy, but I was never a hard worker. I only applied to med school to prove I could get in. And then I only went because my mom got sick and I guess I was...trying to prove something or trying to make her happy. Now I'm not sure if it's really what I want."

"Who cares how or why you got here?" Cristina said, finally looking up from her charts. True to her character, she acted indifferent, but once she realized Meredith was actually struggling, she focussed on her friend. "It only matters that you're here now. You're smart, you work hard and you're good at what you do."

"But I only became a doctor for my mother. It was what she wanted, not me."

"That doesn't matter," Cristina reiterated. "It's what you want now."

"I don't know that it is," she admitted.

With a huff, Cristina shot her an exasperated look. "Of course it's what you want now."

"How do I know that?"

Cristina made a show of rolling her eyes, and when she continued, her tone was that one may use to explain something simple to a young child for the umpteenth time. "If it wasn't what you wanted, you wouldn't be here. Your mother's dead. If you were only here for her, you would have quit after she died."

"It's not that simple," she insisted. Cristina just didn't understand; she had a simple explanation and path for having become a doctor. Meredith didn't. It wasn't the same.

"It _is_ that simple," Cristina argued. "You work hundred hour weeks. You work thirty to forty hours straight without sleep consistently. You live off of too little sleep and crappy hospital food. You practically mainline coffee to stay awake. You don't get free time. You don't have a social life. And there's no end in sight. And this is _after_ a year of internship, four years of medical school and a bachelor's degree. You may have gone to medical school and joined this program for the wrong reasons, but you don't get this far unless you love what you do. It's not worth it. It's too much of a commitment to stick with for the wrong reasons."

Meredith opened her mouth to refute Cristina's argument, but not a single argument came to mind.

"If you didn't _want_ this, you wouldn't be here," Cristina added. "It doesn't matter why you got started, it matters why you're here now. Look at how many interns started with us on our first day and how many of them are still here. And don't you remember the Chief's speech? A lot of people struggle and wash out of this program, Mer. But you're not one of them. You're thriving, not struggling."

Izzie nodded. "I hate to say that I agree with Cristina, but I agree with Cristina. A lot of people don't make it this far because they don't want it enough."

_Maybe it __**was**__ that simple, after all._

"Look at the contest," Cristina pointed out. "You competed because you wanted to, because you're competitive. Competitive like a _surgeon_. You're a surgeon, Meredith. It's who you are."

"You are," Izzie agreed. "And you love it. You know you love it. Ten hour surgeries. Saving lives. Making a difference. It's who _we_ are."

_Another good point._ Meredith had to admit that she did love the job. She loved being in surgery. She loved the rush of learning something new and saving a life. And she enjoyed the non-surgical aspects. Not paperwork, she thought, staring unseeingly at the chart under her hands, but the other stuff. She enjoyed interacting with patients. She enjoyed the investigative side. Symptoms. Diagnosis. The challenge of trying to find the answer and the thrill of being right. The high she felt at helping to save a life; something she had experienced in her very first surgery and each one since.

And she was good at her job. Derek often told her she was the best resident in the hospital. She told him he was biased, and still thought that, but that didn't mean she wasn't up there. She _had_ won the contest. She knew how good her peers were, especially Cristina, and she had beaten them all. She knew she had a good reputation in the hospital. Attendings who weren't her husband trusted her. She worked well with the other residents. The interns respected her. The nurses liked her. She had good experiences at work that allowed her to be confident in her skills and to seek and develop new ones.

It was worth all of the paperwork and lack of sleep and crappy food and constant exhaustion that came along with it.

It was worth it.

It was worth it because it was what she wanted.

Meredith laughed out loud at the realization. Both Izzie and Cristina shot her confused looks, and then exchanged a look that clearly said both thought she was going crazy, which only caused her to laugh harder. Because it was _that_ simple. She was a doctor; a surgeon. Because she wanted to be. She may have started out for her mother, but she was here now for herself. She didn't care about making her mother proud or living up to any expectations. She only cared about making herself proud; of living up to her own expectations for herself.

"Oh," she said as she tried to catch her breath. Liberating tears streamed down her cheeks. "It's so simple," she said, still laughing.

"Riiiiight," Izzie said. "When was the last time you got some sleep?"

Meredith shook her head. "Last night. This isn't lack of sleep induced. I've just been trying to figure out some things for..." _Days? Weeks? My entire life?_

"Well, glad we could help," Cristina said sarcastically.

"You did help," Meredith insisted.

"You really didn't know if you _wanted_ to be a surgeon?" Izzie asked.

"No, I guess not. I'm just..." She trailed off for a moment, contemplating how much to say. Izzie and Cristina looked on expectantly. Her _family_. People she'd do anything for and whom she knew would do anything for her. "I've been seeing a therapist," she admitted. "I'm trying to work through a few things."

Her admission clearly took both Izzie and Cristina by surprise.

"You know how sometimes everything gets so mixed up and confusing in your head? I guess that happened. I was making the questions more complicated than they needed to be. Why did I become a surgeon? To live up to what my mother wanted. But why am I a surgeon now? Because it's what _I_ want. _I_ want this. _I_ choose to do this with my life."

Cristina blinked. "If you'd just asked me that in the first place, I could have saved you the money. In fact, I think Iz and I should charge for this session."

Meredith laughed, knowing Cristina comment meant nothing but acceptance in Meredith having to seek help from a therapist.

"I think it's great, Mer," Izzie added. "We could all use some help."

"I don't need any help. I'm perfect," Cristina deadpanned, causing all three to laugh.

* * *

At the end of her shift, Meredith was happy to find her husband right where she'd left him; asleep on the couch in his office. She was grateful he'd been able to avoid being paged and get a few hours of much needed rest.

Kneeling next to him on the floor, she ran her fingers through his hair. "Derek," she murmured.

He groaned.

"It's time to go home," she whispered. "Can you wake up long enough to get to the car? Then we can go home and you can sleep in our bed instead of on the couch.

He blinked sleepily up at her. "'s the end of the day already?"

She nodded. "You fell asleep at lunch, and apparently didn't get paged. I checked on your patients before I came up here. Everyone's stable."

He slowly sat up and swayed a bit before shaking his head. "It's Christmas."

She nodded, biting back a laugh at how slow he was being. If a pager awoke him, he was immediately aware and alert, but without that adrenaline inducing start, he was like this after too little sleep.

He met her eyes. "It's our second Christmas."

"It is," she agreed, leaning in to kiss him.

He kissed her back after only a short pause. "I'm a little tired."

This time she did laugh. "Yes, you are. But you have every right to be. Three people will live to see another Christmas because of you."

He beamed at her.

She beamed back, happy that she could make him so happy. "Now, get up and get changed out of your scrubs. I'll drive us home. We have to call your mother, and then you can go back to sleep."

He stood and proceeded to exchange his scrubs for his street clothes. "You're staring," he commented.

She shrugged. "I'm allowed. I thought it was my Christmas present?"

Jeans on, but shirtless, he snaked his hands around her waist and pulled her to him. Without giving her a moment, he captured her lips with his, telling her he was now much more awake than moments ago.

"You're happy," he commented once he had pulled away.

"You're half naked and you just kissed me, why wouldn't I be happy?"

He smirked. "No, before that. You're...happy."

She shrugged, her shoulders feeling light and tension free as she did so. She felt lighter than she had in days. Her life made sense again; possibly more so than ever before. "I'm a surgeon. And I love it."

He raised an eyebrow. "And this is news?"

She laughed. "It's a long story. We haven't had time to talk." She snaked her hand up his bare chest and around his neck, and pulled his lips back down to hers. "I'll explain everything tomorrow once we've both gotten some sleep," she whispered between kisses. "Just know that I'm doing this for me. And I'm happy."

He pecked her lips once last time before pulling away to retrieve his shirt. "Okay."

"And Derek?"

"Mmm?" He mumbled as he pulled his shirt over his head.

"I really, really love you." It wasn't part of her realization of the day, but knowing she was a surgeon for herself reminded her of her relationship, which was also for herself, and it made her happy. And she wanted to share her happiness.

"I really, really love you, too," he responded, smiling brightly.

Taking his hand, she tugged him towards the door. Together, they walked down to the front lobby and out to the car. She drove them home.

The moment they entered their condo, Meredith felt another smile take over her face. This was her _home_. She chose to live here with her husband, just like she chose to get married and chose to be a surgeon. Just like she would one day choose to have kids. Soon, she and Derek would sit down and talk about when they would choose to start their family.

And all of these choices had been made and would be made for the right reasons.

Meredith had a lot more control over her life than she had let herself think. Ellis wasn't perched over her shoulder trying to control her like she'd thought. Yes, there were times when she reacted badly and sought a role model, but most of the time she was making her own decisions. She just had to make most of the time into all of the time.

"I like seeing you so happy," Derek commented as they walked into the kitchen together. He had rallied in the car and seemed much more awake.

She smiled at him. "I like feeling so happy."

"You've seemed...uncertain since your last session. I wasn't sure..."

"I had to figure some things out." She hopped up on the counter near the stove. Derek had offered to prepare dinner and she planned to keep him company. It was Christmas and she wanted to spend every moment possible with her husband. It didn't matter that they'd worked most of the day or that they didn't have time to make a fancy dinner. It only mattered that they were together.

"Which you clearly did."

She nodded. "I did. And I will tell you all about it tomorrow. Today I just want to spend the rest of my Christmas with my husband."

He stepped between her dangling legs and wrapped his arms around her middle. "Next year we'll really celebrate. Request the day off early. Refuse to fold when Richard insists we work anyway. Have a big dinner. Everything."

"Maybe we could take more than the day off," she suggested. "Maybe take a week and go visit your family."

He pecked her lips. "You'd do that?"

"I think it would be nice...to do the family holiday thing. And it would make your mom happy..."

He kissed her again. "It would be really nice to go there for Christmas. It's been a long time."

"Then we'll go."

He cocked his head and stared at her.

"What?"

He shrugged. "You just seem...different. Even from lunch."

"I figured some things out. And now I feel...like this is all going to be okay. I'm going to figure the rest out. The worst is behind me, or whatever."

Not even bothering to suppress his smirk, he pressed his hand to her forehead.

Laughing, she swatted his hand away. "Shut up!"

"I didn't say anything."

"But you were thinking it."

"How do you know what I was thinking?"

She hooked her hands behind his neck and pulled him closer. "Because I know you."

"You do, huh?"

She nodded and kissed him. "I do. And I know that you're still a little worried about me, but I want you to know that I'm really okay."

"Okay. But do you know what else I'm thinking?"

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips as she considered it. "That you love me?" She asked playfully.

He laughed out loud and kissed her soundly before pulling away. "Other than that."

"That I'm crazy?"

"I don't think that, I know that," he bantered.

She swatted at him.

He tightened his arms around her as his face grew serious. "I was thinking I'm glad you did this for yourself. I know I didn't understand at first, but now I do. And I'm proud of you, Meredith."

Another example of her making a decision for herself. Therapy. She smiled. "Thank you."

He kissed her softly. "You're very welcome."

"I'm glad, too. It makes more sense now; _I_ make more sense to myself." She pulled him into a hug and rested her chin on his shoulder. "My mom started me on this unhealthy role model path, but she doesn't dictate my everyday life. I may have started out with her as a role model, but somewhere along the line that changed."

He hugged her tight.

"And now I'm living for myself almost all of the time. It's only sometimes that I look for role models, and I'm going to fix that. I know I can do this."

"I know you can do it, too. You can do anything."

She smiled as she melted into his embrace. She snaked her hands around his neck and hugged him tight, his warm body pressed comfortingly against hers, making her feel loved and safe.

"You're amazing," he murmured into her hair, "So strong."

Happy tears welled in her eyes. "You help me be strong. I realized I made a lot more progress in the last year and a half than I had realized. And I couldn't have gotten as far as I did without you."

"I changed a lot, too," he responded. "For the better. And I couldn't have done it without you."

She lifted her head away from his shoulder to meet his eyes, which also had sheens of moisture across them. They were as blue as she'd ever seen them. She lifted a hand to touch his cheek. "We make a good pair, huh?"

He pressed his hand against hers. "We do," he agreed. "We really do."

She kissed him. "I love you."

He nudged his nose against hers and kissed her again. "I love you, too."

"I like spending Christmas with you."

"Even though we had to work?"

She nodded. "You make it special."

He smirked. "Now who's being corny?"

She scrunched up her nose, but laughed. "Me," she said simply. "But I'm allowed today. Because it's Christmas."

He gazed at her for a long moment, his eyes filled with the love and adoration she'd come to get used to. "I'm really glad you're happy, Mer," he whispered.

"Me too. I'm glad _we're_ happy." She shrugged. "I can't believe how quickly life changes. I mean, two Christmases ago I was in my last year of med school and living in Boston. Other than going to see my mom in the nursing home, I didn't do anything Christmas-y. It was just a day I wanted to ignore." She paused. "I was...lonely."

"I was lonely, too," he said. "I felt disconnected from my family and unhappy in my marriage. I went to my mom's for dinner, but I felt out of place. I couldn't feel happy."

"We'll go next year," she said, "And make new memories. Happy memories."

He nodded, but before he could respond, his cell phone rang. With a sigh, he reached to pull it off his waistband, but then smiled when he saw the call display. "Speak of the devil." He answered the call and put in on speakerphone. "Merry Christmas, Mom."

_"Merry Christmas,"_ Jane's voice filtered through the phone. _"I hope you're having a good day."_

"Pretty good," Derek answered, holding the phone between himself and Meredith. His free hand was resting on her hip as he stood between her dangling legs. "We actually just got home."

_"Is Meredith there?"_

"Yes, you're on speaker."

"Merry Christmas, Jane," Meredith spoke up.

_"Merry Christmas, dear," _Jane responded happily._ "You sound calmer this year."_

"Calmer?"

_"You were nervous last year when we talked."_

Meredith laughed at the memory. She had spoken to Jane for the very first time last Christmas. "You're right. I was nervous. You were Derek's mom and I was the new girlfriend who didn't know how to do the family thing."

Jane laughed. _"Well, you're family now. I'm glad you're not nervous anymore."_

Meredith smiled at how easily Jane had said she was family. It was nice being part of a family. She may not have been able to envision it the year before, but she was infinitely grateful now that she was here. "A lot changes in a year."

Derek smiled at her over the phone and she smiled back, wondering suddenly how she would look back on this moment a year from now. With any luck, she and Derek would spend the next Christmas in New York with his family. _Their_ family. How much different would their lives be then? She'd be a third year resident. They'd still be living in their new home, though it wouldn't be new anymore. Would they have decided to start a family yet? Maybe. She'd have to be pregnant in the next three months to have a baby by the next Christmas, and she knew that was too soon, but maybe she'd be pregnant by then. Maybe they'd be able the make the announcement to the Shepherds. The thought made her smile. Now that she'd experienced so much good that she'd once thought herself incapable of, she wanted to experience more. The possibilities for change over the next year were endless.


	125. Chapter 125

_**AN: So sorry for the delay! I had planned to post New Year's Eve and then had internet issues and then wanted to post last Saturday, but when I did a quick review I noticed that Alex completely contradicted himself in a way that wasn't immediately fixable. I planned to fix it and post Sunday, but then had internet issues again... ***_**sigh* **_**Stupid router. All seems to be good now.**_

* * *

Meredith bit back a smirk at the surprised expression on Wyatt's face when she showed up early for her first post-Christmas session. She had missed her one scheduled session between Christmas and New Years on account of a major accident on the freeway that kept the ER and OR busy for two days. Wyatt had even called to make sure she was okay after the hard session before Christmas. At the time, Meredith had promised she was okay and would make up the session whenever Wyatt had an opening. This was the first time she had looked towards her session with hope and not dread.

Wyatt had called back with an opening in the morning on New Year's Eve. Meredith had been scheduled off work on New Year's Eve and New Years Day, to make up for having to work Christmas, but had agreed to come in for the session.

"How was your Christmas?" Wyatt asked once they were each settled in their normal spots; Wyatt on the chair and Meredith tucked into the corner of the couch across the coffee table.

"Tiring, but good. I worked Christmas Eve and then was on call over night and worked Christmas day. And then worked Boxing Day. And pretty much every minute since..."

"But it was still good?"

Meredith smiled. "I figured some things out."

Wyatt returned the smile and nodded. "Tell me."

"I became a surgeon for the wrong reasons. I went to medical school and took the residency here to live up to my mother's expectations. But that's not why I'm here now. That's not why I do this. I don't know when it changed, but it did. She died and I'm still a surgeon because I want to be a surgeon. I _love_ being a surgeon. I'm not still trying to live up to any of her expectations."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded. "I get that she started me on this whole looking-for-a-role-model-when-I-feel-out-of-control thing, but that's only sometimes. Most of the time I'm making decisions for myself."

Wyatt made a few notes. "That's very good, Meredith. You seem confident."

"I guess I felt like I had this huge path to climb or whatever, but now I realize that I've already fixed a lot of the damage in the last year and a half. I've already made huge improvements." She'd learned to love and be loved, to trust, to depend and be depended on. She'd learned what it meant to be part of a family, to be a wife, as sister and a friend. "It's just what's left that I need help with."

"Let's talk about what first caused you to look to your mother as a role model..."

* * *

Meredith was only slightly disenchanted when she left her session. After her Christmas revelations, she'd gotten it into her head that the progress would be lightning fast now. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case. An hour of discussing her mother's parenting methods and her own childhood feelings hadn't resulted in any new revelations. Still, she was surprised at how much easier it was to talk about her childhood with the therapist now. Derek had been right; nothing bad had happened because Meredith had told her.

She glanced at her watch. It was a little after ten in the morning. Derek had a single surgery scheduled for the day, and she had driven in with him that morning. He'd probably be in surgery until early afternoon. He had originally been scheduled off with her, but his patient's symptoms had been steadily escalating and he hadn't wanted to wait any longer to operate. With any luck, he'd been done early so they could go home and prepare for that evening.

She laughed at the thought of the coming night. Three days ago, they'd planned to do nothing for New Year's Eve but have a few drinks and celebrate at home, just the two of them. Then one thing led to another – Izzie had suggested drinks at Joe's, George had pointed out how busy it would be, Derek had offered their home, Mark had overheard, others had been invited, people signed up to bring food and alcohol, Izzie had declared she was in charge of decorations – and suddenly they were hosting a party for everyone not working.

After a brief internal debate as to whether she should work or catch a nap on the couch in Derek's office, she decided to change into her scrubs and head down to the ER. Hopefully, she'd catch a surgery.

The Residents' Lounge was empty when she entered. She quickly exchanged her street clothes for her scrubs and hooked her pager to her waistband.

Unfortunately, the ER was practically empty when she entered. Alex was sitting at the desk, playing solitaire on the computer.

She smirked and stepped up behind him as quietly as she could. "You can move the queen," she said, pointing to the card on the far right of the screen.

Alex jumped in surprise at her presence.

"Working hard?" She deadpanned.

"Nothing to do."

She collapsed onto the chair next to him.

"I thought you were off today."

"I was, but I had to come in for an appointment. And Derek had surgery, so I'm waiting for him to be done."

"Appointment?"

She hesitated before saying, "With my shrink."

He scoffed. "Fine, don't tell me."

She laughed. "No, really."

"The Meredith I know wouldn't go to a shrink."

"Well, she does."

He stared at her for a long moment before belief passed across his gaze. "Since when?"

"Middle of November."

"You okay?" He asked sincerely.

"I will be."

"It's not about Shepherd, right? Because if he's hurting you, I swear I will-"

She rolled her eyes. "Derek would never hurt me, Alex. And just for the record, he's been incredibly supportive. I just...need to deal with some things from my past." _I'm just a crazy person who doesn't know how to let herself be happy, looks for role models and then falls apart when my role model falls apart and feels out of control a lot of the time,_ she thought sarcastically to herself, even though she knew it wasn't true all of the time.

He nodded, accepting her statement. "If there's anything I can do..." He left the end of the sentence open, but she understood.

"You're a good friend, Alex," she said, bumping his shoulder.

He exhaled loudly, but said nothing.

She smiled at his reaction, knowing how difficult relationships of any kind were for him. Of the five of them, she and Alex had probably grown up the most similarly to each other. She knew from her own experience how hard it could be to trust and open yourself up. And he didn't have a Derek in his life to show him it was possible.

"You're coming over tonight, right?" She asked, changing the subject.

He nodded. "Yep. What time should I get there?"

"Well, Iz is coming over at six to 'set up.'"

He smirked. "So, nine? Give her lots of time so she doesn't make me help?"

She laughed. "You're lucky. I can't not show until then because it's at my house."

"That's what you get for volunteering."

"Technically, it was Derek who volunteered."

"Then make him help with the decorations."

"I'm sure Iz will insist."

"You can stay here. I'll drive you home when we're sure it's safe."

"Good idea, but I don't know if it's fair to leave Derek alone with her."

They laughed together.

"So," she prompted once they'd sobered. "What's new with you?"

He shrugged in a very Alex way. "Nothing."

"Izzie said she saw Rebecca in the hospital before Christmas," she said, referring to the patient Alex had treated after the ferry crash. She had initially been plagued with amnesia for weeks. Alex had befriended her and spent so much time with her that Meredith and her friends had suspected he had more than friendship on his mind. But then she'd remembered her life and gone back to her husband.

He shrugged again and avoided meeting her eyes, pretending to be looking over a chart on the desk. "She was here."

"Did you...talk?"

The phone rang and Alex practically jumped out of his chair to answer it. He spoke to dispatch for a moment before hanging up. "Incoming trauma," he announced, effectively ending any conversation they may have been having.

* * *

"I am not wearing that," Meredith declared for the umpteenth time as she stood facing Izzie, her arms crossed. Izzie was holding out a large, silver and blue party hat that declared _My Resolution is to PAR-TAY!_

"Come on, Mer, it's New Year's Eve."

"No."

"Yes," Izzie insisted, trying to shove the offending item into Meredith's hand.

Meredith took a step back. "Absolutely not."

Izzie released an exasperated sigh. "Fine." She turned to one her of boxes of supplies and pulled out a different hat. This one was shaped like a top tap, but was bright pink and sparkly. Its saying was a simple _Happy New Year._ "How about this one?"

"No. No hats."

"Mer-"

"I don't do hats."

Izzie huffed. "Fine!" She shoved the pink hat onto her own head. "You're no fun."

"I just spent an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back helping you set up, not to mention the fact that I _let_ you bring this crap into my house," she pointed out. Izzie had shown up at six on the dot. She'd brought so much stuff that Meredith had been forced to help her make two trips to the car to bring everything in. There were streamers and banners and signs. Balloons. Noisemakers. Candles. Kitchenware. Glasses. The list went on. "I still don't see why this is all necessary."

"Because it's New Years Eve, Meredith. Tomorrow's a new year. It's time to celebrate."

"And my house needs to look like New Years Eve threw up in it in order to celebrate?"

Izzie glared at her. "Yes."

Meredith bit back a retort.

"What time is the pizza getting here?"

"Nine." She and Derek had pre-ordered pizza the day before to feed everyone, knowing they probably wouldn't have time to cook today. It was a good thing, too, seeing as Derek had been pulled into an emergency craniotomy and was still stuck at the hospital.

Izzie glanced at her watch. "It's almost eight. Where is everyone?"

Meredith shrugged. "Hiding from your hats?"

Izzie glared at her.

Meredith laughed. "I'm sure they'll be here before midnight."

"Do you have a list of what everyone's bringing?"

Meredith laughed out loud, and then quickly cut herself off at the look on Izzie's face. "Iz, seriously, you need to calm down. I'm supplying the venue and pizza. People will bring their own drinks and whatever else they feel like. It will be okay."

With a sigh, Izzie nodded. "Okay." She fished a small bag out of one of her boxes. I'm going to go change," she said, turning and disappearing down the hallway to the guest bedroom and bathroom.

As if perfectly timed, a knock sounded on the door the moment she left the living room.

"Finally, more people," Meredith said under her breath. As much as she moved her friend, Izzie on a holiday was more than a bit of a challenge. She hurried over to the door and pulled it open. George and Alex stood in the hallway.

"I thought you weren't coming until nine?" She asked jokingly.

Alex laughed as he stepped into the front hall. "Yeah, well, Izzie threatened us."

George nodded his agreement as he shrugged off his jacket.

Meredith laughed at his tee shirt, which declared _Party like it's 1999._

George scowled. "Shut up. Izzie made me wear it."

"You need to grow a pair," Alex retorted. He was not wearing an Izzie-approved New Year's shirt, but his expression told Meredith Izzie had tried to make him.

"Just a warning; she's got hats."

George groaned. "Crap. I already look stupid enough in this thing."

"We the first ones here?" Alex asked.

Meredith nodded as she ushered them towards the kitchen to store their drinks. "Other than me and Izzie."

"Where's Shepherd?"

"He's stuck in surgery. Hopefully he'll get here by midnight." It was their first married New Years and she wanted very much to kiss her husband at midnight.

"You guys are here! Yay!" Izzie practically cheered as she emerged from the hall on the far side of the living room. She made a slight detour to one of her boxes, and Meredith bit back a smirk, knowing exactly what she was going for. Just as she thought, Izzie fished two party hats from her box and hurried over to join them in the kitchen. "Here," she said, holding out the hats.

George made a face, but took one. Alex raised an eyebrow and made a show of pulling a bottle of beer from the case he had brought, removing the cap and taking a long sip. Izzie continued to hold out the hat as he turned away to put the case in the fridge and then turned back. "Yeah, I'm not going to wear that."

Izzie scowled at him. "Please? And where is your shirt?"

"Didn't fit."

"Liar."

"Fine. I don't do cutesy holiday shirts." He glared at the offending article still in her outstretched hand. "Or hats."

Izzie huffed. "Why are you so difficult?"

Alex mirrored her tone. "Why are you so annoying?"

"If Alex and Mer aren't going to wear hats..." George trailed off at Izzie's angry expression. He gripped the hat in his hands nervously and swallowed hard. "Uh..." He very slowly reached the hat out to Izzie. "Thanks anyway?" He said, more as a question than anything else.

Izzie snatched the hat away from him with a huff. "Why are you people always so difficult? Seriously!"

Alex simply shrugged and took another swig of his beer.

"At least I wore the shirt," George mumbled, causing Meredith to laugh and Izzie to huff again.

"I supplied the venue," Meredith repeated her earlier statement.

"Seriously!" Izzie muttered as she turned away from them to return the unwanted hats to the box.

Meredith met George's eyes and somewhat successfully attempted to stifle a laugh. George cracked first, followed quickly by Meredith, and then by Alex. Izzie glared at them for laughing at her, but then started laughing as well. "You guys suck," she said through her laughter.

"We're not really dress-up type people, Iz," Meredith pointed out.

"Well, I am."

"Which is why you're wearing a dumbass pink hat," Alex said quickly.

Izzie elbowed him.

"I think the hat is festive," George spoke up, sticking up for his best friend, "Just not for me."

Alex rolled his eyes. "You don't get an opinion if you're wearing that shirt."

George's cheeks reddened a bit in embarrassment, but he stood up straighter and held his chin up. "It's New Years Eve. And I'm being a good friend."

"And an ass-kisser."

"That is not true!"

Meredith smiled to herself as she watched her friends continue to argue and banter. With the three of them now sharing a house, it was a wonder they hadn't killed each other, she mused. Although, it had only been a few months, so room-mate-acide was still a valid possibility.

A knock at the door puller her attention from her friends. Izzie, Alex and George didn't even look away from their argument as she excused herself to answer the door.

Mark stood on the other side of the door with Callie, Lexie and two female attendings she recognized from many, many consults in the ER.

"Happy New Year," Mark greeted, as he extended his arm to usher the four women in first.

Lexie seemed nervous as she handed Meredith a bottle of wine. "I hope this is okay. I...I wasn't sure what to..."

"It's great, thanks, Lexie," Meredith cut her off. She offered her half-sister a warm smile, trying to dispel the still-awkward tension that seemed to flare up between them.

Lexie smiled back.

The two ER doctors – Drs. Fairfield and Grant – had brought several plates of hors d'oeuvres. Meredith motioned them towards the dining room table.

"Coats?" Callie asked, as she passed Meredith a bottle of champagne.

"In the closet," she answered, motioning towards the front gall closet by the door. "And when that fills up we'll...think of something."

Callie hung her coat in the closet and glanced towards the still bickering residents across the living room. Her eyes seemed to pause on George for several seconds before she took a breath and offered Meredith a smile. "It's a beautiful condo."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks. It's still a little...bare." There were still only two pictures on the wall; hers and Derek's wedding photo, and the Shepherd family picture that had been taken at Lauren's wedding. "But we're working on it."

"How long have you been here now?"

"Two months."

Callie smiled. "Ah, and that's like two days for a surgeon for free time."

Meredith laughed. "Too true."

"Bathroom?"

She pointed Callie down the hall.

Mark stepped into the condo, holding out a large bottle of champagne.

"Thanks, Mark," she said, holding up her two full hands and motioning for him to follow her to the kitchen. She placed the two bottles in her hand onto the counter, and laughed as he made a show of placing his much larger bottle beside them, clearly pleased with himself. "Everything's a competition, huh?"

He smirked. "Despite what the fairer sex says, size does matter."

She rolled her eyes. "People may think you're trying to overcompensate for something."

"Let them think it. I'll prove them wrong."

"I thought you were turning over a new leaf?"

"I am."

"Sure you are. That's why you arrived with four women."

"I may have offered to drive some other hardworking doctors from the hospital, but that was out of the goodness of my heart so that they could drink tonight and not worry about stranding their cars."

"And how do you explain checking out Fairfield's ass?"

He pursed his lips. "Fine. I'm making some changes, but I'm not turning into a monk."

She laughed.

Mark laughed as well as he slid his jacket off and tucked it over his arm.

"You didn't happen to see Derek before you left?"

"He was still in surgery when I checked. I don't think it was going well."

Meredith made a face.

Mark shrugged. "I'm sure he'll make it home for midnight. You know Derek. He's reliable like that."

"I hope so."

Mark turned for the closet to hang his jacket. Meredith spotted Izzie motioning Alex and George towards the largest box she had stashed in the corner.

"We almost forgot the stereo," Izzie said as she pulled a speaker out of the box and held it out to the boys.

George reached for it, but Alex grabbed it first.

"You brought a stereo? But we have one." She pointed across the room towards the small iPod doc sitting beside the couch.

"That doesn't play CDs."

"So?"

"So, Izzie stayed up all night last night burning CDs," Alex explained.

"That's very nineties."

Izzie huffed, but said nothing as she pulled a second speaker out. Again, Alex grabbed it before George could.

"Sorry, Georgie, but we don't need you going all double-of-seven on the sound system."

"Me? I'll bet you have no idea how to hook up speakers. All you do at home to fix anything is hit things. The remote, the TV, the portable phone that no longer works _at all_."

"The phone doesn't work because Izzie poured batter on it. It worked fine after I fixed it."

"I didn't pour batter on it," Izzie said as she stood up straight, the stereo in her hands. "It was one drop."

"It was the entire bowl. You didn't even know the phone was under the batter."

Another knock at the door granted Meredith the opportunity to leave her friends to their squabbling once more.

She felt her smile fall off of her face when she swung the door open. She didn't know why she suddenly couldn't stand to be around Richard Webber, but it seemed everything he did and every word he said hit a nerve with her lately. His presence had bothered her in the weeks following her realization that he had been the man with whom her mother had had an affair, especially after knowing he had been treating Derek unfairly and why, but that had slowly faded over time to a manageable level. It was only in the last few weeks that her annoyance with the man had flared up again. When Meredith had mentioned it in therapy, Wyatt had said it was expected because Meredith had opened herself up.

He smiled warmly at her as he stood with Adele in the hallway.

She forced a smile to her face as she greeted them, wishing there was some way they could have not invited the Chief. He'd found out through hospital gossip, and then they couldn't not invite him.

"Happy New Year, Meredith," Adele greeted warmly, as she presented two trays of baked goods. "Where can I put these?"

"Happy New Year," she echoed, giving Adele a true smile. She had absolutely no qualms with the Chief's wife. She was as much as victim of Richard's behaviour as Ellis had been. "Table," she responded to the question, pointing across the living room.

Richard stayed at the door, but said nothing.

"Uh, your coats can go in the closet," she said flatly, pulling open the door.

"Thank you." He shrugged off his coat. "This seems like a really nice condo." He said, looking around before smiling at her again.

"It is," she said shortly. She was pretty sure he was fishing for a tour, but she wasn't about to offer. She felt violated enough just with having him standing in her front hall. There was no way she wanted him seeing any more.

He hesitated. "I'm...glad you seem happy, Meredith."

She forced herself to offer a polite nod, and was just struggling to come up with an excuse to leave him by the door when she spotted the pizza guy heading down the hall. "Excuse me," she said to Richard, and then without waiting for a reply, stepped to the still-open door to meet the pizza guy.

"Order for Shepherd?" He asked.

She nodded. "That's us." She pulled the wad of bills she had shoved into her pocket earlier out.

"I showed up at just the right time," Cristina called as she strutted down the hall towards them.

Meredith laughed. "Yes, you did."

"I'm so hungry I could eat an entire pizza myself. Seriously, after my tenth hour of surgery today I was starting to consider cannibalism."

The pizza guy's face turned white.

"Uh, give her the pizzas," Meredith said, holding out the money.

Cristina happily took the stack of pizza and disappeared into the condo.

The pizza guy shot her a slightly concerned look as he took the money and quickly counted it.

"Sorry about her," she said, referring to Cristina. "She...says inappropriate things sometimes."

He nodded.

"She didn't mean it."

He nodded again as he reached into his pocket to pull out a series of smaller bills.

"Keep the change," she said, "And happy New Year."

"You, too," he said as he turned and hurried down the hall.

Meredith laughed as she stepped back into the apartment and closed the door. Thanks to Cristina, she and Derek would probably not be able to order pizza from that company again.

Across the room, Izzie, Alex and George were still squabbling together. She took two steps towards them, but stopped at the sound of another knock on the door.

Three surgical fellows she had worked with several times stood on the other side of the door this time. She quickly ushered them in and closed the door.

"You may want to leave the door open," Cristina called as she walked by with a paper plate stacked with pizza.

"What?"

Cristina paused on the way to the kitchen. "Leave the door open a crack. That way people will just let themselves in and you won't have to answer the door each time someone gets here."

"That's a good idea," she said as she turned back to do just that.

"Of course it is, it was _my_ idea."

Meredith laughed as she walked towards the dining table to help herself to a plate of pizza before joining her best friend in the kitchen. She had just set her plate down at the breakfast bar beside Cristina's when extremely loud and very distorted music blasted out of the stereo her former roommates had apparently finally got set up. Across the room, Izzie flailed in shock as Alex dove for the volume control.

"I told you you'd mess it up!" George yelled at Alex. "You crossed the wires!"

Alex said something colourful back to him that Meredith couldn't make out over the music. She sighed in relief when he managed to turn the volume down to a manageable level.

"Never a dull moment when those three are around," she commented as she sat beside Cristina, who was on at least her third slice of pizza.

Cristina laughed. "I can't believe you managed to live with them for so long."

"I don't remember it like this." She took a bite of pizza before saying, "I guess my perspective changed or whatever."

"I guess it's quiet living with just McDreamy."

Meredith rolled her eyes at the nickname, but nodded.

Cristina's gaze flickered away to Meredith to a point across the room for a long moment before she sighed. "It was quiet living with Burke."

Meredith tried her best to cover her surprise. Cristina _never_ talked about Burke. "Do you, uh, do you miss the quiet?"

"No." She returned her gaze to Meredith's. "It was too quiet. I think that's why I like living with Callie. She's definitely not quiet."

Meredith shook her head in agreement. As evidence to Cristina's statement, Callie had taken over the stereo setup across the room, and was teaching Izzie, Alex and George how to properly hook up the speakers. She smiled at the sight.

"Burke and I didn't talk much. And he didn't really watch TV. He only watched CNN on mute. And the only music he played was Jazz, and that was only sometimes." She paused. "He wanted it quiet."

"What about you?"

She shrugged. "I guess I was supposed to fit into his lifestyle."

Meredith wanted to say something comforting or supportive, but no words came to mind. Not only did her best friend not talk about Burke, but she didn't allow herself to be vulnerable like this. This was mostly unchartered territory. "That's not right," she finally settled on.

Cristina looked away again, but nodded. "No."

"He shouldn't have expected only you to change."

Cristina looked back at her. "Did you change? For Derek?"

"I think so. I mean, we both did. Not a lot, but some. I think...I think that's the point. That's marriage or commitment, or whatever. You have to change for each other."

"Did you ever feel like you were losing yourself?"

Meredith through back for a moment before shaking her head. "No. Derek never asked for too much. He was really good that way."

Cristina stared at her for a long moment before asking, "How do know how much you should change?"

"Why are you suddenly asking these questions? Did you meet someone?"

Cristina shook her head. "Never mind."

"Cristina-"

"I said never mind," Cristina snapped, turning her attention to her plate of pizza.

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. She wanted her best friend to be as happy as she was. "I think the amount you change is the amount you're willing to change," she said, answering the original question in the hopes of getting Cristina to keep talking. "I think you have to know how much you're willing to change and then find someone with similar expectations."

Cristina said nothing.

Meredith sighed and turned her own attention back to her dinner. She'd pushed too hard and made Cristina shut down. Silence fell between the two surgeons for several minutes.

"I didn't meet someone," Cristina eventually whispered. "But one day I will, and I don't want to get stuck again."

Meredith bumped her shoulder. "You won't."

Cristina said nothing.

With a sigh, Meredith slid off her stool and walked over to the fridge. She pulled two bottles of water out and returned to the breakfast bar. She set a bottle down in front of Cristina before sitting again and taking a sip from her own bottle.

"You can talk to me, Cris," she said. "I'm not exactly an expert, but I'll offer whatever limited experience and wisdom I have."

Cristina smiled at that. "You're not limited. You got it right."

"That was luck."

"I don't think so." She took a sip of the water Meredith had given her. "Would you have let Derek force you to move in with him before you were ready? And live in _his_ house and follow _his_ rules?"

"I..."

"It was like living in a sterile environment. Like an OR. Everything had a very specific place, and had to be put away immediately. And everything had to be his way. I...I don't know how I let it happen."

"You loved him."

"Yeah..."

"That can make you blind."

"But I wasn't blind. I knew what I was doing." She sighed. "I think I was trying to make him happy. I was willing to put all my own needs on the backburner to make him happy." She scoffed. "He didn't let me bring any of my own furniture because it would have clashed with his. I couldn't bring CDs because he preferred vinyl. He didn't even like my sheets because he preferred solid colours. He didn't budge on anything."

"I'm sorry."

"You wouldn't have let Derek get away with that."

Meredith closed her eyes and imagined a universe where Derek was like that. She tried to imagine their life together living only the way he wanted, but couldn't see it. "I think you're right. If he hadn't changed too we wouldn't have made it." Had Derek been like Burke in those ways, he'd just be another attending at the hospital and she a resident. They wouldn't be married and sharing a life together. If he had pushed her too hard and for too much, like Burke had apparently done with Cristina, she would have put the brakes on their relationship.

"I always thought I was stronger than that. But I let him walk all over me."

"Hey, don't say that. You're the strongest person I know. You just made a mistake."

"I almost made a huge mistake. Do you have any idea what my life would be like if I had married him?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Too quiet. I can't do quiet." Cristina looked away quickly, but not in time to hide the sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Cristina..."

"Don't."

"Okay." She paused. "You'll find someone who doesn't want it quiet, Cristina. I know you will."

"You did, right? It's not too quiet here?"

"No, it's not too quiet," she reassured with a smile. "There are no roommates arguing all the time, but it's not quiet. We listen to music – that we both like – and watch TV. And Derek's chatty, so he talks a lot. And his chattiness has rubbed off on me, cause we both talk a lot."

"That's good, Mer. I'm glad you're happy. And I'm glad you built this life for yourself."

"Thank you. We just have to find you a non-quiet guy so you can build your life."

Cristina cracked a smile. "And sooner rather than later. It's been a _long_ time."

Meredith laughed at the connotation and shook her head, but Cristina statement to her stuck in her mind. _I'm glad you built this life for yourself._ It was verbal acknowledgment that Meredith's life hadn't just passively come to her. She may have moved to Seattle and taken the residency because of her mother, but she had chosen to make friends with the other interns and go out with the attending, despite the fact that both decisions she had known were against what Ellis would have wanted. She had given Derek a key and then asked him to move in with her. She had been able to turn down his first proposal when she had known it was wrong, and had been able to say yes to the second when she had known it was right. She'd decided how to marry him, and they had decided together on their new home and everything within it, from paint colours to furniture.

She closed her eyes as understanding washed over her. Wyatt had used the word _control _several times during their morning session. And Meredith now understood why. She had wanted Meredith to recognize on her own how much control she had as an adult that she hadn't had as a child.

It was easy to fall back into her learned childhood pattern of feeling out of control, but she wasn't that vulnerable child anymore. She was an adult who had broken the pattern of her childhood.

She was in control.

"You okay?"

She opened her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. Just...realizing some things."

"Shrink stuff?"

Meredith nodded.

"You need me to tell you why you're a surgeon again?"

She laughed and shook her head. "No. Once was enough for me to realize how stupid I was being."

"Well, you were being stupid."

She rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Maybe I was, but I was going out of my mind."

"And now?"

"Now I'm good," she said, bumping Cristina's shoulder. "I needed you as a sounding board. I think you set me back in the right direction. Once I could understand why I was a surgeon, a lot of other stuff fell into place."

"Okay."

"I mean it," she said honestly. "You have no idea how much you helped."

Cristina smiled. "Well, I'm glad. You can't figure out yourself, but you're in a successful relationship, and I know who I am, but am afraid to have another go at a relationship."

"And together we make one stable person."

Cristina laughed. "Cheers to that." She lifted her water bottle.

"Cheers." Meredith said, knocking her bottle against Cristina's.

"What are we cheers-ing?" Izzie asked, appearing by the breakfast bar with Alex and George.

"How screwed up we are," Meredith said with a shrug.

"I'll cheers to that," Alex said with a smirk, holding out his beer bottle.

Meredith laughed and knocked her bottle against his.

"You people are horrible," Izzie said as she sat between Alex and George along the breakfast bar."

"I see you got the stereo set up."

"Callie had to save us. These two were useless."

"I would have gotten it," George said quickly.

"You had your chance, double-oh-seven," Alex said.

George ignored him.

"So," Izzie prompted, still wearing her pink party hat – the only person at the party to do so – and smiling brightly. "What are everyone's resolutions?"

"Resolutions are stupid," Cristina said.

"No, they're not. They're something to work towards. They're motivating. They're important."

"Fine, my resolution is to kick ass in the OR."

"That's not a resolution."

"Sure it is."

"It needs to be more specific. Come on. We can all come up with one and make a pact."

"I don't do pacts," Alex said.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Fine. We'll all come up with one and drink to it."

"I'm good with that."

Izzie rolled her eyes at Alex before turning her attention to Meredith. "Mer, alcohol?"

"In the cupboard," she said, pointing.

Izzie pulled a bottle of tequila and five shot glasses out of the cupboard. She carefully filled each glass and passed them out.

Alex immediately tossed his back.

"Alex! You're supposed to wait until after we make the resolutions."

"Sorry, Iz, but I'm going to need a buzz if I'm going to do this."

"Alex has a point," Cristina said, tossing hers back as well. Meredith did the same, followed quickly by George.

"Fine." Izzie tossed hers back and then passed the bottle around for refilling. "Who wants to go first?"

Silence.

"Fine. I'll go first. My resolution is to save a life."

"That's what we do every day, Iz."

"No, I mean, actually save a life. Not just assist or observe. I want to develop my skills enough and be trustworthy in the OR enough that I can save a life myself."

"That's a good resolution, Iz," George said. "Can I use it, too?"

"No. Yours has to be unique."

George made a face. "Fine." He thought for a moment. "My resolution is to..." He trailed off as he made a face. "Seriously, Iz, this isn't fair. I want to save a life, too!"

"Tough."

He huffed. "Fine. Then my resolution is to save a life _and_ get past the whole double-oh-seven thing."

Izzie looked like she was going to say something, but let it go. "Okay, who is next?"

Cristina and Alex both looked down at their plates.

Meredith took a breath. "My resolution is to be happy and not be afraid of being happy."

"That sounds like a riddle," Alex said.

Meredith laughed. "It feels like I'm living a riddle. But it's something I'm working on with my shrink."

"You have a shrink?" George asked, looking immediately concerned.

Meredith nodded. "For almost two months."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I am. I just need help figuring out a few things."

"Like being happy?"

She shrugged. "It's new. And sometimes I guess I panic. Especially when something bad happens."

Awkward silence fell between the five residents.

Meredith made a face. "I just mean...I'm happy. But when I was a kid, bad things would happen and then my life would come crashing around me. I learned to associate personal disaster with bad things. It became a pattern or whatever. And now sometimes I forget that it's okay to be happy because not everything will fall apart if something bad happens." Her friends stared at her. "Stop looking at me like that. I'm just figuring it out myself so I can't explain it any better."

They laughed.

She smiled. "Cristina?"

Cristina huffed. "Fine, my resolution is to find a new place to live."

Izzie nodded. "Alex?"

He looked thoughtful and hesitant at the same time. After a moment, he smirked and said, "My resolution is to kick all your asses in the OR."

Meredith laughed, but wondered what he had debated saying out loud. He'd clearly wanted to say something deeper, but hadn't been able to voice it in front of them.

They lifted their shot glasses to celebrate their resolutions.

"Another?" Cristina suggested.

"Another," they all echoed.

* * *

An hour later, Meredith was comfortably buzzed as she sat on the floor of the living room around the coffee table, playing the largest game of go-fish she'd ever been a part of. Three decks of cards were being utilized, and there were at least a dozen players. Izzie had suggested rules about specifying cards and suits and something about patterns, but Meredith hadn't understood. She doubted anyone truly cared. She was doing well, though. She'd won plenty of pairs. She looked down, but frowned. Only three pairs sat in front of her.

"Hey!" She elbowed her best friend, who was sitting next to her. "Stop stealing my cards." She slid several pairs from in front of Cristina to in front of herself.

"I didn't take that many!" Cristina retorted.

"Call it interest."

Cristina ignored her and slid two pairs back to her own pile.

"Would you two focus on the game," Izzie demanded.

"I've had too much to drink to focus on anything," Cristina retorted, causing everyone playing to laugh. "Seriously, Iz, no one even knows all the rules you made up."

"That's their loss," Izzie bantered back, gloating at the large pile of cards before her.

"Whatever. Is there more pizza?" Cristina got up and wandered away from the game.

Meredith slid the rest of Cristina's cards to her own pile and smirked at Izzie. "I think I'm beating you."

Izzie rolled her eyes, but laughed. "Cheater."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

The game continued along, but Meredith couldn't really follow it. There were just too many cards. When it came around to her, she had to stare long and hard at the cards in her hands before looking at George.

"Give me your sevens."

George groaned and passed the cards across the table to her.

She grinned as she placed another set in front of her. "I love this game."

Alex was next. He turned to Meredith and asked for her nines.

She huffed as she passed them to him. "I hate this game."

Lexie was next and took jacks from George.

"Have you heard from Derek yet?" Izzie asked.

Meredith shook her head, but glanced at her cell phone just in case. It told her there was only an hour until midnight, but did not tell her there was a message from Derek. The only reason he wouldn't call was if he was still in surgery. She sighed. Chances were he wouldn't make it home for midnight.

"Do you think he'll make it by midnight?"

"I hope so," she said. Here she was celebrating the New Year with her family, but Derek wasn't here to enjoy it. And it was their first New Year's as a married couple and their first New Year's in their new home.

And she really, really wanted to kiss him at midnight.

She closed her eyes and imagined counting down the last few seconds of the year. He'd be beside her, oozing enthusiasm and happiness. His arm would be wrapped tightly around her middle. They'd reach one and then shout out _'Happy New Year!'_ with their friends. And then he'd kiss her so hard she'd forget anyone else was there.

"I'm sure he'll be here if he can," Izzie said.

She opened her eyes. "I know." It wouldn't be his fault if he didn't make it. He was saving a life, and that had to take precedence.

She sighed.

Cristina returned to the table with a plate of cold pizza and the half-full bottle of tequila.

The bottle quickly got passed around the table. Meredith filled up her shot glass and toasted the last hour of the year with her friends.

* * *

With less than a minute to go until the New Year, Meredith had given up hoping Derek would make it home in time. She'd have to settle for an early-in-the-new-year kiss once he got home. She bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet, eager to watch the ball drop on the living room television. A bit of champagne sloshed over the rim of her champagne glass, making her giggle slightly.

The party had lost track of time until Callie had announced it was almost midnight. Meredith had dutifully turned on the television to find a station showing the ball drop. Mark had recruited the most sober in the room to help him pass out champagne glasses.

The excitement in the room grew. At thirty seconds to go, Meredith adjusted the hat sitting on her head. It was blue and sparkly and shaped like a top hat. She couldn't remember why she hadn't wanted to wear one earlier. She could remember Izzie being the only one wearing one earlier, but now most of the guests were.

She glanced around the room of celebrators. The few with significant others had migrated together, and for a moment, she felt sad that Derek wasn't there. But he would be there when he could, and _that _was what mattered. She knew he wanted to be there with her just as much as she wanted him there.

The countdown reached ten seconds, and she joined in as the room counted down with the television.

"Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" She shouted out with her guests. As everyone else turned to hug whoever was next to them, Meredith turned as well, only to come face to face with the one person she wanted to celebrate this moment with the most.

"You're home!"

Derek smirked as he stepped in close to her. "I am."

She hooked the fingers of her free hand into the collar of his shirt and tugged him down to her level. "Happy New Year," she whispered.

"Happy New Year," he whispered back. And then he kissed her.

His hands found the small of her back as he pressed closer to her. She hooked her arm around his neck for grip as he deepened the kiss. She wasn't sure if her glass was still upright but she was sure that she didn't care if she spilled all of her champagne. _This_ was the kiss she'd wanted all day. This was the very start of their first full year of marriage.

This was going to be a good year. She was going to figure out everything she still needed to figure out. They were going to sit down and discuss when they'd start building their family. She was going to have her first solo surgery and become a third year resident. And they were going to be happy. _She _was going to be happy – and not afraid of being happy.

He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against hers. "I love you," he told her.

"I love you, too."

"I'm so glad I made it home in time. I've been thinking about this moment all day."

She giggled. "Me too."

He pulled back and loosened his grip while keeping his arms around her.

She took a sip her champagne and then offered him the glass. He took it and took a sip as well. "I like your hat," he told her.

She grinned at him. "Thanks. Izzie brought them."

He chuckled.

"What?"

He shook his head before leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "Nothing. You're cute."

She felt like she was missing something, but let it go.

He held up the champagne. "Can I have the rest of this? I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do."

"I'm not that drunk."

"Of course not. You always wear party hats when you're only a little drunk."

"What is wrong with my hat?" She demanded.

"Nothing." He leaned in to kiss her. "Like I said, it's cute."

Before they could exchange another word, Izzie bounced over to them, hugging them both and wishing them a Happy New Year. They then did the same with everyone else. It felt nice and normal, and she was grateful for the normal experience, despite her level of intoxication.

When the fireworks over the harbour started, the party moved outside onto the terrace to watch. Meredith quickly found a spot by the railing of the terrace and leaned back into her husband's arms when he sidled up behind her. He held her close and leaned his cheek against hers as they watched to fireworks together.

"How's your patient?" She asked.

"Alive. Barely."

"That's good. That he's alive, I mean. Not that he's barely alive."

He hugged her tight. "I knew what you mean."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. I didn't want to miss sharing this with you."

"Our first New Year's as a married couple."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed. "That means we have lots of celebrating to do."

She giggled. "Everyone else is distracted by the fireworks. They wouldn't notice if we snuck inside to celebrate privately."

He rested his chin on her shoulder and chuckled. "It's a nice idea, but the celebration I'm planning will take a lot longer than one fireworks show."

She felt a chill of anticipation run down her spine at the night to come. They were both scheduled off tomorrow, so they had all night to celebrate. "Soon."

"Soon." He rubbed his cheek against hers and she sighed at the friction caused by the stubble that had grown on his cheek since the morning. "I take it the party was a success."

"Pretty much. Although we may have to find a new pizza place."

"Pizza not good?"

"Oh, it was great. But Cristina scared the delivery guy away. He may not want to come back."

He laughed. "Okay."

"But other than that it was good. Really nice, actually, to have everyone together."

"Your family," he commented.

"Them and you," she agreed.

"Mmm," he murmured by her ear, falling silent as they stared at the fireworks together. She had just leaned back and closed her eyes – enjoying being in his arms more than watching the fireworks – when he pulled away suddenly. "I almost forgot."

"Forgot what?" She asked, but he had already released her and hurried back inside.

She made a face at the removal of his warmth around her.

After a minute, he hurried out with a camera in hand.

"You want a picture of the fireworks?" She asked.

"No, of the people. We have a picture of our New York family. Now we need one of our Seattle family."

"For our wall?"

"Exactly."

She smiled at his thoughtfulness. The reminder of their New York family – and really the reminder of her spot in his family – made her feel good every time she look at the picture. And now they'd have one of this family, too.

Derek quickly passed the camera into Richard's hands – a move she knew would make the Chief feel good that Derek chose him and would keep the Chief out of the picture because she knew he knew she didn't consider the Chief as family – and urged Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George and Mark into position with them.

"Ready?" Richard called out, holding up the camera.

Meredith spotted Lexie at the edge of the balcony with the other guests. "Wait," she called out. "Lexie! Get your ass in the picture. You're family, too."

Lexie said nothing, but hurried over to join them.

"Okay," she said to Richard. "Now we're ready."

Derek hugged her closed as they stood with their Seattle family in the first hour of the New Year.

_**AN: In the next chapter, we'll be diving back into the show's storylines. I'm hoping to have the next chapter done in the next week or so. Also, if you have a chance, please check out my new oneshot, Finding the Magic.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	126. Chapter 126

_**AN: If you want someone to blame for this crazy delay, blame the guy that wasn't paying attention to the traffic lights and slammed my car... No serious injuries, but I haven't exactly been able to sit in front of a computer for hours at a time. Just remember; RED light means STOP. lol. I'm hoping to get back to updating more regularly again. Thanks for your patience and continuing support!**_

000

Derek sighed softly as his sleep deprived brain was forced to find consciousness by some unknown external force. He gradually became aware of his surroundings; he was lying in his bed, mostly on his stomach, with his face pressed into his pillow. It was warm and soft. And something was touching his back. A warm, comforting pressure ran up and down the length of his spine. He sighed again, prepared to drift back to sleep. Unfortunately, the pressure on his back stopped its movement, pressed into him and shook him gently.

"Derek?" His wife's quiet voice found his ears.

"Mmm?" He managed to mumble back without lifting his head.

"I'm sorry, but you have to get up now."

"Nnnn," he responded, pressing his face deeper into the pillow. He heard her laugh in response.

"Unfortunately, yes," she said. "I know you got home late, but I let you sleep as long as I could."

Derek vaguely remembered stumbling into their darkened condo very early that morning. He wasn't sure what time it had been. He hadn't wasted any time in climbing the stairs to their bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and crawling into bed. He'd slung an arm over his sleeping wife and had fallen asleep himself. He didn't remember the alarm going off that morning or her getting up before him.

"It's seven-thirty," Meredith prompted. "And you have surgery at nine."

With an unhappy groan, he rolled onto his back and stared up at his wife, blinking hard at the onslaught of bright light.

She winced for him. "Sorry. I know it's bright, but I made coffee." She lifted a steaming mug off the nightstand and held it out to him enticingly.

"How does coffee help it be less bright?" He asked with a scratchy voice.

She smiled that playful smile that _always_ made his heart swell. "Coffee makes _everything _better."

"Is that so?"

"If you get up, I'll give you the coffee so you can find out."

"You're bribing me with coffee?"

"Yes."

He chuckled.

"You do it to me all the time," she pointed out.

He slowly sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed to sit on the edge. She passed him the coffee and then sat beside him. "I can't believe it's morning already," he complained.

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I know. But we're supposed to be off relatively early tonight. We can have an early dinner and then you can sleep."

He turned his head and planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Sounds like a plan." He took a sip of the coffee and then sighed. "Do you know what time I got home last night?"

She lifted her head. "No. I didn't hear you come in at all. I just woke up this morning and you were here." She reached to run her fingers through his hair. "You could have just crashed in an on-call room. You would have gotten more sleep."

He closed his eyes and savoured the feeling of her fingernails running along his scalp with just the right amount of pressure. He couldn't even bring himself to care that his hair must look a horrible sight.

He had considered finding an on-call room the night before, but the pull to spend the night in the same bed as his wife had been too strong. It had been pitch black outside through the windows as he had spoken to the family of his third patient – the first happy news he had given that evening – but he hadn't sought the knowledge of just how late it was. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically, after several back-to-back marathon shifts and losing two patients in the last twelve hours alone.

"We hadn't slept in the same bed in three days," he eventually responded. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." She leaned in to kiss him softly. "It's been a hectic week." Apparently their reward for a quiet New Years week was a very hectic one-week-after-New Year's week.

He yawned. "That it has."

She laughed, and he leaned in to kiss her again, but she simply pecked the corner of his lips quickly and pulled away. "No more kissing until you brush your teeth."

"That bad?"

She made a face.

"Sorry." This time he leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll go brush my teeth and shower." He took another sip of coffee before passing the mug back to her and standing.

She stood as well. "I'll make sure your travel mug is full to the brim with coffee when you're ready to go."

He laughed, but offered a very sincere, "Thank you."

By eight, Derek was somewhat more awake. The shower had definitely woken him, but the demands of the last week, where he'd been working at least twice as much as he'd slept, had drained his reserves of energy. Coffee would help him to get through the day, but he knew he wouldn't feel truly alert until he had gotten a full night's sleep.

Having pulled on a pair of jeans, a slightly crumpled white button down and a sweater, he padded down the stairs. As promised, his travel mug was sitting on the front hall table, right beside hers. The sight of the two of them made him smile.

He picked his wallet and keys off of the table and shoved them into his pockets with his cell phone and pager, before turning around to make sure he wasn't missing anything. Something tugged on the back of his mind, something he was forgetting to do or prepare for or...remember, but he couldn't bring forth the thought. With a shrug, he dismissed it. If he couldn't remember, it clearly wasn't that important.

His eyes drifted through the quiet living room. The sun had risen enough in the sky to lighten the room and allow him to make out the new picture now hanging on the far wall. Recently having taken its place with the pictures of their wedding and their New York family was the picture of their Seattle family. Shortly after New Year's Eve, Derek had managed to find a frame similar to the frame his family had given them for their wedding present. Meredith, after the post-New Year's hangover wore off, had argued against using that specific picture, but he had insisted. And now smiling out from the new frame stood Meredith, Derek, Cristina, Izzie, George, Alex, Lexie and Mark, fireworks lighting up the sky behind them and most – Meredith included – wearing very bright celebratory hats. After seeing the photo the next morning on the camera, she had cursed Izzie and hats and cameras and alcohol.

"Ready?" Meredith called from the kitchen.

"As I'll ever be," he called back as he slipped his feet into a pair of shoes.

She hurried towards him and set a small napkin wrapped package onto the table next to their travel mugs. "I made you breakfast. I'll drive and you can eat in the car."

"What is it?"

"A bagel."

Despite his exhaustion and lack of interest in being awake, he couldn't help but banter with his wife about her kitchen skills. "You _made _it? So, you got up early to bake bagels?"

She rolled her eyes. "What would you do if I said yes?"

"Maybe be a bit concerned about eating it," he bantered back.

She glared at him. "Fine. I _prepared_ you breakfast. Is that better?" Without waiting for him to respond, she huffed and added, "Seriously. You do something nice for some people and _this_ is what you get in exchange."

He laughed and stepped in close to her. "Thank you for breakfast," he whispered, his hands finding her hips. "I brushed my teeth. Can I kiss you now?" He didn't wait for her to respond before ducking his head and brushing his lips against hers. He felt her hands slide up his chest to rest on his shoulders. He deepened the kiss and pressed closer to her.

When he broke the kiss he didn't make any move to step away from her. He hadn't been lying when he'd told her he'd missed her. Their schedules just hadn't matched up and the odd pass in the hallway was pretty much the only interaction they'd had for days. And now that she was here in front of him, warm and gorgeous and smelling of the conditioner he loved, he wanted nothing more than to drag her up the stairs to their bed.

"You're going to be late," she whispered.

He shrugged. "This is worth it."

She smiled for a moment, before catching her lower lip with her upper incisors, almost as if she was suddenly self-conscious before him. Her gaze drifted downward from his eyes. "You're all lumpy," she said.

"Lumpy?"

She nodded as her deft fingers made easy work of pulling the collar of his shirt out from under his sweater.

"I guess I got dressed in a bit of a hurry."

She smoothed out the collar with her palms. "That's because you probably spent all of your getting-ready-to-go time on your hair."

He chuckled at the jibe, knowing he deserved it for his taunt about her cooking. He would have tossed a retort back at her, but she just looked so perfect smirking at him like that that he had to be even closer. His hands slid from her hips to the small of her back as he pulled her into a hug and buried his face into the crook of her neck. He closed his eyes and inhaled. "You smell good," he murmured.

"I got the good conditioner," she whispered back, wrapping her arms just as tightly around him. "It was finally in stock."

He inhaled again. "I'm glad."

"Do you just love me for my conditioner?"

"Yes," he deadpanned.

She laughed in his arms, and his heart swelled in his chest at the knowledge that he could create that sound in her. That no matter what she had been through and was still dealing with, they had remained fully intact and able to make these jokes. They were still the couple they had been before.

"Well, then I just love you for your hair," she retorted easily.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes, which were sparkling. "Well, who wouldn't?"

She laughed again, and he found himself grinning, all tiredness momentarily forgotten just at the pleasure of making her laugh again. She ran her fingers through his hair. "It _is_ nice hair."

He kissed her one more time before releasing her. Quietly, they both donned their coats. Derek passed Meredith her travel mug before picking up his own and his breakfast. They hurried out of their condo, and then down the elevator to the parking garage.

"Where's your car?" She asked as they reached her jeep, parked beside his empty spot.

"Hospital. I didn't trust myself not to fall asleep on the way home, so I took a cab."

"Oh, Derek," she murmured as they both let themselves into her jeep. "You need to be able to get more sleep."

He shrugged. "I keep telling Richard he needs to hire another neurosurgeon, but he keeps putting me off. Says he's putting out feelers, but there hasn't been any interest."

"I bet he's not even trying," she said harshly as she shoved the key into the ignition.

He frowned at her tone. It wasn't the first time he'd heard her overreact to something relating to their Chief of Surgery recently. "It's okay, Mer. I'll get more staff eventually."

"You've worked here for a year and a half, Derek," she said as she backed the car out of the space. "And you've been understaffed the entire time. He's taking advantage of you."

He wanted to push the issue, but knew this wasn't the right time. Whatever was bothering her deserved more time than their short commute to work. Instead, he took a bite of the bagel she had prepared for him. "Good job on the bagel, Mer. Perfectly toasted."

She didn't respond, but he saw her lips curl upwards.

"Seriously," he continued, "You're a natural."

"A natural bagel toaster?"

"Yep."

She laughed, and he joined her, happy simply to be happy. They filled the rest of the drive with playful banter, and when they arrived at work, they walked across the parking lot together, going over their day.

"Are you scheduled in the OR this morning?" Derek asked.

"Nope."

"Want to join me in my craniotomy?"

"I'd love to, but Bailey's got me rounding on pre-ops and post-ops. With any luck I'll catch something this afternoon."

"My craniotomy shouldn't take more than ninety minutes. Want to join me for a coffee break?"

"Sure. Page me when you're free."

"I will."

They reached the front doors and then quickly made their way across the lobby to the elevators. When the doors opened, the elevator car was empty. They rode up to Meredith's floor, and he caught her arm before she could step off.

She shot him a questioning look, but said nothing.

He pecked her lips. "I love you," he told her, wanting her to know how much he appreciated everything she had done for him that morning. He was exhausted, but somehow still in a good mood, and that was all due to her.

"I love you, too," she told him before offering him a bright smile and disappearing down the hall.

He sighed as the elevator doors closed and the elevator continued to rise to his floor. It would be a challenging day, but he'd make it. He always did. Although, Meredith – despite her sudden overt dislike of the Chief – did have a valid point. It _had_ been a year and a half. And there was still no new neurosurgeon. He couldn't carry this schedule on forever. As Meredith progressed in her training and wasn't required to put in as many hours, he wouldn't be so apt to put so many extra voluntary hours and shifts in himself. It wasn't something to deal with today, but it was something to think about. He'd have to make it clear to Richard that things would have to change.

When he reached his office, he quickly changed into his scrubs and hurried to meet his patient for a pre-op visit. He was only a few minutes later than he had planned to be there, but he still hated to be late. He wouldn't, however, have traded a moment spent with his wife that morning to have been there any earlier.

He wasn't sure exactly what – if anything – had changed recently, but he found himself more and more appreciative of his life. Maybe it was the fact that after two months they'd really settled into their new home or after six months they'd really settled into their not-so-new-anymore marriage, or maybe it was the fact that they were getting through Meredith's concerns and therapy _together_, but he found himself suddenly more cognisant than before of the permanency of their life together. He'd been certain of _her_ for some time, and of their future together, but there'd been accidents and roommates and a house with memories. And family problems and drama and trips and moving plans. They'd not gotten much chance to simply _be_.

And now they were. They'd settled into a life together. And he found he had everything he had wanted and hoped for and not been sure existed for so long. There was no doubt she loved him as much as he loved her, no doubt she would _be there for him_, just like he would be for her. And they were living a life they both wanted, and were living towards _their_ dream. One day there would be a house on the cliff and kids and a dog.

And what sometimes still surprised him; he could be himself. There was no restricting or limiting himself, no trying to fit into a niche he just wasn't right for. He felt not only loved for who he was, but accepted for it, and _that_ was damn significant to him. Meredith didn't care that he worked a hundred hours a week, or that he had bad breath and really bad bed head in the morning. She didn't question that he wore jeans in to work almost every day and hated wearing ties. And she didn't judge that he didn't _want_ to change. He had everything he wanted; he was a surgeon who got to save lives, he was in love with an extraordinary woman who loved him back, he had a wonderful family, and he had a future that included parenthood.

The changes in his life over the past year and a half still sometimes astounded him. In comparison to nearly four decades, just one and a half years seemed like such a short period of time to be so significant. Even shorter still when he questioned exactly when his life had changed. When he'd moved to Seattle? When he'd decided to skip the meet-and-greet the night before his first day of work and instead drown his sorrows in the bar across the street? When he'd lost himself in _her_ eyes while she oozed enthusiasm after their first surgery together and he'd decided he always wanted to feel _that_ high? When he'd finally convinced her to go out with him and had been so expecting another no that she'd had to repeat her yes? When he'd listened to his heart and picked her? When she'd beat all odds and come back to life? When she'd said yes to spending the rest of her life with him without a hint of hesitation? When she'd shown up at midnight at his mother's house in New York to fix things? When she'd said I do?

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, knowing he'd never be able to pick out an exact moment. He'd never know _when_ his life had changed, but he'd always know _who_ changed his life.

And that was the only truly important thing to know.

000

After his surgery, Derek spoke briefly with his patient's concerned family in the surgical waiting room, grateful that he could continue to offer good news after his previous shift. He headed back towards the surgical department, planning on paging his wife once he got there, but familiar dirty blond hair caught his attention once he reached the atrium.

"I was just about to page you," he said as he sidled up beside Meredith as she waited for the elevator.

She turned her head towards him and smiled. "We have good timing today."

He smiled back.

"How was your surgery?"

"Routine."

She made a face. "Boring."

He laughed. "Hey, today I'll take it. I lost two patients last night. I needed the win."

"I'm sorry," she said sympathetically, reaching out to squeeze his arm.

"Me too." He sighed, taking comfort from the warmth of her hand on his arm. "One; there wasn't much I could do for. But the other one; I thought he had a chance."

"You were his best shot, Derek," she told him. "If you couldn't save him, no one could."

He smiled. "You have a lot of faith in me."

"You've given me reason to have a lot of faith in you." She ran her hand down his arm to his hand and threaded their fingers together. The elevator came and went, but neither made any move to recall it. "What can I do?"

He squeezed her hand. "Just be you." He paused. "And always wear a seatbelt," he added, thinking of his patients from the night before and the damage caused by their windshield.

Meredith laughed at the slight tangent of his request. "Always," she assured him.

He tugged her closer and wrapped his arms around her. She didn't resist at all as she allowed him to meld her body to his. He pressed his nose into her hair and sighed.

"Derek, seriously, are you okay?" She whispered. "You're worrying me."

"I'm okay," he assured her. "I'm just..." _Exhausted. Discouraged. Having one of those days where I question my profession._

When he didn't finish his sentence, she pulled back far enough to meet his eyes, and for a moment he held his breath as she studied him carefully. Then her eyes softened and her expression changed from searching to empathetic. He released the breath he had been holding, relieved at the expression in her eyes, knowing she understood.

She understood everything he was feeling. And he didn't have to say a word to explain. She accepted his open ended explanation without question, and without pushing him to say anything further.

He inhaled and exhaled as he stared into his wife's eyes, so close he could smell her conditioner. Tension ebbed away from his shoulders and neck. His next full breath in and out was even easier.

Meredith offered him a soft smile. He felt the corners of his lips tug upwards in response without any conscious thought. It was like an automated response; if she smiled, he smiled.

_Are you really okay?_ Her eyes seemed to ask.

He smiled back at her. _I really am._

Her eyes narrowed playfully as she expertly steered their focus to something lighter. "Well, I do believe someone promised me a cup of coffee."

He met her tone and raised an eyebrow. "Is that a hint?"

"It is if you promised me a cup of coffee."

He chuckled as he released her. "Well, I wouldn't want to keep you away from your favourite thing in the world."

She rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't say it's my _favourite _thing."

"And what would your favourite thing be?" He prompted as they turned away from the elevator and began to walk together towards the closest coffee cart.

"Surgery."

"Ouch."

She laughed. "_And _you."

"Hmm," he mused playfully, "Tied with coffee and surgery. Don't know if I should be flattered or offended..."

She laughed out loud and nudged him affectionately with her hip. "Definitely flattered."

"I'll keep that in mind," he said, smiling. It amazed him that she could change his demeanour so quickly and so easily.

He was smiling at the thought when he caught sight of the woman walking towards them. His smile fell away and he sucked in a breath as he realized that the niggling feeling he'd had earlier had been for a good reason. He _had _forgotten something. Richard has given him warning this time that he had invited her out to help with a case, but with the stress of the last week, he'd forgotten.

Or maybe he hadn't forgotten exactly. Maybe he'd just wanted to forget because he wanted to avoid the conversation he knew he'd have to have. He'd meant to call months ago, but he'd put it off because he hadn't wanted to sound like he was throwing anything in her face. And then time had gone by and it had gotten easier to just do nothing. But then Cristina Yang had diagnosed a pregnant patient's unborn child with ectopia cordis, meaning the child's heart was growing outside its body, and a condition so rare and life threatening called for the best.

And now the best the surgical neonatal world had to offer was only feet away from him as they all came to a stop.

"Addison," he greeted, and then struggled for a moment for something else to say. "Richard said you were coming." It wasn't quite what he'd had in mind, but it was a start.

Addison said nothing for a moment and then smiled a little too widely. "Hi! It's great to see you guys!" She stepped forward and before Derek knew it, she was hugging him. He hugged her back, but she quickly released him and then hugged Meredith.

"How's LA?" Meredith asked, not seeming to have been caught by surprise at Addison's appearance. What with her best friend having diagnosed the case that called for Addison's expertise, she wouldn't have been allowed to forget that the corrective surgery was today.

"Oh, it's great. There's the sun, and the sand, and surfing."

"You surf?" The Addison he had known didn't do things like surf. The Addison he had known sunbathed on the beach and didn't go into the water past her ankles.

She met his eyes and frowned slightly. "Well, no. _I _don't. But people do."

"Oh."

Silence fell and tension rose.

Derek struggled to come up with something to say. He had been married to this woman for eleven years; he should be able to come up with something to say without any trouble. The conversation he needed to initiate had to happen soon, but not with Meredith there. That wouldn't be fair to Meredith or Addison.

The silence was broken by Meredith's pager going off. "I have to take this," she said.

He nodded and added, "Sorry about the coffee," feeling bad that he'd kept her from her coffee break.

She shot him a smile. "It's okay. It's not actually my favourite thing," she said as she hurried off to answer her page.

Derek watched her go and then turned his gaze back to Addison.

"So, this is weird," she said.

"A little," he agreed.

"It shouldn't be. We should be able to talk. We planned to be friends."

"We will be. It's just..."

"The first time we've seen each other since I moved away, and we've been living our own completely separate lives for more than half a year now."

"Exactly."

She smiled. "Look at this, we're already making progress."

"We are. We're very mature people."

"I even hugged your girlfriend."

He sighed at the term. This was definitely his opening. "She's not my girlfriend anymore."

Her smile took on a forced quality. "Right. Right, I know. She's your fiancée. Sorry, I knew that. I just... You got engaged right before I left. I knew that."

"She's not my fiancée anymore either," he said gently.

Addison's smile fell away. She looked confused for a moment before she glanced down at his left hand and understanding flooded her features. "Oh," she said quietly, "She's your..."

"Wife," he completed for her when she didn't. Or couldn't. Which, he wasn't sure. He didn't want to hurt her, but he also didn't want to belittle his marriage. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was going to, but I..." He'd planned to call and let her know. It had felt like the right thing to do, but the right thing and the easy thing didn't always coincide.

"Didn't want to have a conversation like this?"

"Pretty much."

Addison closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I shouldn't be surprised at this. I mean, you were engaged when I left. Six months is plenty of time to have a wedding." She nodded, as if agreeing with herself. "How long?"

"Six months," he said softly. "We got married right after you left, when we were on vacation."

She stared at him, unblinking for several moments, and he still knew her well enough to know she was having trouble processing that information.

"Right after I left," she echoed. "So, this whole time..."

"Yes," he replied, even though she hadn't exactly asked a question.

She took a deep, steadying breath and met his eyes evenly. "Are you happy?"

He nodded. "I am."

She offered him a small smile, and even though there was a hint of something akin to sadness or regret in the expression, it was a genuine smile. "I'm glad you're happy, Derek. Really, I am. I want you to be happy."

"You just wish it had been you first," he said lightly.

She released a laughing breath and the tension between them fell. "A little bit, yes."

"Are you happy?" He asked.

She shrugged. "I'm getting there, I think. I'm trying."

"Good." He offered her a warm smile. "I want you to be happy, too."

She nodded.

Silence fell again, but the tension level wasn't nearly as high as before. He glanced at his watch to see how much time he had until he wasn't expected back on the floor. "Do you have time for a coffee?" He asked.

She hesitated, and he knew immediately that it wasn't due to time constraints.

"Ten minutes," he urged. "Let's take that first step towards being friends."

"Okay," she relented, cracking a smile.

They started towards the coffee cart together.

"So," she began, "what did your mother think of you eloping?"

"She's happy as long as I'm happy. And she got to meet Mer first and give her seal of approval. Plus, I think we lucked out, because she was helping Lauren plan her wedding, so she was a little distracted. There's one good thing about having so many sisters."

"Lauren got married?"

"She did."

"Good for her," Addison said honestly. "Good guy?"

"Yes, good guy. Named Nathan. I tried not to like him, but she picked well."

"And he's good with Emily?"

He smiled at Addison's concern. Lauren and Emily had lived with them when Emily was very young. "He's great with Emily."

"And how's Emily with him?"

"She loves him. She's a really great kid, Addy. You should see how grown up she's become. In fact..." He trailed off as he pulled his cell out of his pocket and pulled up a picture of his sister, niece and newest brother-in-law.

Addison took the phone and smiled at the picture. "I'm so happy for her, after everything."

Derek smiled, grateful that Addison could be so enthusiastic about his family, and also reminding him that it hadn't always been as bad as it had been in the last years leading to their divorce. She hadn't exactly been thrilled when he'd brought his sister and niece into their home without asking her, but she'd made sure Lauren and Emily had felt welcome and safe. She'd done her best and he'd been grateful. It was easy for him to look back at his first marriage and only see the bad, but there'd been a lot of good as well. He'd never loved or needed Addison the same was as Meredith, but he'd still loved her the best he could. And she'd been one of his best friends for a long time.

They reached the coffee cart and joined the short line. She passed him back his phone, which he pocketed with a smile, confident that with a short conversation and the sharing of a single picture they'd taken the first step towards friendship.

000

Towards the end of his day, Derek was pulled into the OR to help a neuro fellow when a craniotomy had gone south. An hour of damage control proved to be successful, and he scrubbed out feeling much more positive about his shift than he had the day before.

After changing out of his scrubs, he found a text on his phone from his wife, saying she'd gone to Joe's and to call her when he was out of surgery and she'd meet him at the car. He toyed with calling her, but instead returned his phone to his pocket and donned his coat, choosing instead to meet her at the bar. After several days of stress at work and very little time together, it would be nice to spend an hour together before going home.

The January air was chilly as he hurried across the road, but the bar was warm and welcome once he stepped inside. His eyes immediately found his wife, sitting in the same place she'd been when he's first laid eyes on her. And the same place she'd been when she'd agreed to spend the rest of her life with him.

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her middle without hesitating.

She tensed at the contact, but almost immediately relaxed as she released a laugh. "You scared me."

He buried his nose into her hair and released his own laugh. "Sorry."

She squeezed his hand where it lay against her abdomen. "How was your surgery?" She asked carefully, clearly hoping it had ended well, but prepared to be sympathetic had it not.

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head before releasing her. "We saved the patient. His pressure skyrocketed. I thought he was going to stroke out, but he rallied."

She smiled at him as he sat on the empty stool next to her. "I'm glad."

"Me, too."

"You feeling better than this morning?"

He sighed. "You always make me feel better."

She allowed him to lean in and kiss her, but then cocked her head and met his eyes. "You still didn't answer my question."

"You don't let me get away with anything, do you?"

She laughed. "You have a history."

"Of avoiding questions?"

"Of ignoring how you're feeling."

He felt the breath leave his chest at her simple accusal. Not only was she right, but she was better attuned to his behaviour than he was, apparently. He leaned in to kiss her again, before sitting back on his stool and sighing. "I'm okay," he told her. "I just feel like...the bad days are worse than they used to be."

She nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's part of the job. Sometimes it'll be you comforting me, and sometimes it'll be me comforting you."

"Is that what we signed up for?"

"Do you mean when we got married or when we chose to become surgeons?"

She smiled and shrugged. "Both, I guess."

He mirrored her shrug. "We did," he said, answering her question. "There are good days and bad days. I just feel like I used to tolerate the bad days better than this."

"I'll be here for all the bad days, Derek," she assured him.

"I will, too," he promised.

She smiled before downing the last sip of her drink. "You must be exhausted, let's go home." She went to stand.

He stopped her before she stood. "No, let's stay for a bit. If we go home, I'm just going to crash, and I feel like we've barely spent any time together this week."

"It's okay to crash tonight, Derek. You're exhausted."

"I'd rather spend some time with my wife. I'm more than prepared to give up an hour of sleep for this."

She smiled at his statement. "Really? You're sure?"

He could hear in her tone how careful she was being to not make him feel guilty if he simply had to go home and sleep, despite how much she wanted to spend some away-from-the-hospital time with him.

"Absolutely." He slid his stool closer so their shoulders touched. "Let's have a drink and order something to eat."

She leaned into him. "I'd really like that."

He signalled Joe for two drinks and a menu.

"So, did you catch a surgery this afternoon?"

"No." She made a face. "It was a pretty boring day. The most excitement was Cristina trying to steal my sparkle pager to get in on Hahn's surgery."

"That's the surgery Addison was here for?"

She nodded.

"Didn't she diagnose the patient?"

Again, Meredith nodded. "Yeah, but Hahn's...being Hahn. I understand why she was doing this in the first place, but now..." She sighed. "I think Cristina's really starting to freak out."

He felt his brow furrow. "She has been here for a while now. She shouldn't feel the need to put Cristina in her place anymore." He glanced around before lowering his voice. "And it's not as if Cristina is a hindrance in surgery. She's very good."

Meredith nodded. "I just don't know how to help her."

Derek shrugged. "I don't have any suggestions."

She leaned against him and fell silent. She didn't say a word when Joe presented them with drinks and a menu.

Derek opened the menu before them, and though her gaze was pointed down, he wasn't sure she was actually reading the menu.

"You okay?"

She nodded.

He hooked his arm around her middle. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I just feel..." She shook her head. "I don't know...guilty?"

"Is that a question? Because you have nothing to feel guilty for. It's not your fault Hahn is treating Cristina like she is."

Meredith pulled away and for a moment he cringed, thinking he'd upset her, but she stopped when she was just far enough away to turn her head and meet his eyes. "She likes me, and I don't get it."

"Hahn?"

She nodded. "After knowing how she treated Cristina, I thought she'd hate me, too, for being with you, but didn't. Every time I work with her, she's a good teacher. And she knows I'm married to you, but yet she punishes Cristina for Burke. And it's been _months_."

"I don't know why she's singled out Cristina. At first I thought she was trying to make Cristina work for it, to make sure she hadn't just gotten along on Burke's position, but you're right; it's been months."

Meredith sighed and lifted a hand to cup his cheek and then run down to rest on his shoulder. "I guess sometimes I feel guilty that I have you _and_ I have surgery. Burke left and Cristina's being blacklisted for no reason. Somehow I ended up with both things and she ended up with nothing."

"Oh, Mer," he murmured, leaning in close to press a kiss to her cheek. When he pulled back, she offered him a soft smile, her hand still a welcome presence on his shoulder. "None of this is your fault. You're a good friend to Cristina."

"I know. It's just...a year ago we were the same. And now..."

"What do you mean 'the same?'"

She shrugged. "We were both interns dating attendings. But then her attending left and mine-"

He cut her off the moment he realized what was happening. "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Comparing yourself to someone else."

She made a face and huffed. He couldn't help but smirk at her reaction.

"Crap. You're right." She closed her eyes and took a long, slow breath in, held it, and then slowly released it. When she opened her eyes, she cocked her head and offered him a wry smile. "Thanks."

He reached for the hand that wasn't resting on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"At least I'm not doing the whole role model thing and thinking you're going to leave me because Burke left Cristina," she added.

He chuckled at her attempt to lighten the mood and leaned in to kiss her softly. "I appreciate that."

She smiled. "Sorry. I'm working on it, but sometimes I don't realize..."

"Which is why I'm here to point it out if I notice it." He offered her a warm smile. "And don't apologize." He squeezed her hand again. "None of this is your fault, and I'm so proud of you for the progress you've made. You're so strong, Mer. I love you so much."

She sat up a little straighter in her chair. "Thank you," she said softly.

He felt his heart swell in his chest. Just the fact that she could accept his praise without argument was proof of the progress she'd made. She could see herself as strong now, and her actions as important.

Before either of them could say another word, Joe returned to take their orders. He ordered a chicken salad and chuckled when he wife ordered a burger without even glancing at the menu.

"Without _comparing _myself to Cristina in any kind of role model way," Meredith began when Joe left, shooting Derek a smirk to let him know she was making light of her small slip, "I still feel bad that I'm so happy and she's...not. Is that okay?"

"She's your best friend. It's normal to feel bad that she's not happy. As long as you don't feel guilty, because none of what's happened to Cristina is your fault."

She nodded. "Is there anything I can do to help her?"

"All you can do is be her friend. You can't fix this for her, as much as I know you want to."

"You're annoyingly reasonable, have I ever told you that?"

He laughed. "Many times."

She laughed as well.

"It'll work out eventually," he reassured.

She nodded and reached for her glass. After taking a sip, she placed the glass down and offered him a smile. "Okay, tell me about your day."

He had to chuckle at her abrupt change of subject, but went along with it. He told her about his patients and his surgeries, and he told her about his conversation with Addison and hope to one day be friends.

"Are you okay with us being friends?" He asked when he had finished.

"I'm not the kind of wife who wants to control your life, Derek," she said dryly.

He laughed. "Trust me, I know you're not. But we're not talking about a female co-worker or something. We're talking about my ex-wife. That means you get an opinion without coming off as in any way as controlling. You even get veto rights."

"I get veto rights?" She asked with an amused smirk.

He nodded.

She laughed. "That's nice of you to point out. And it's nice of you to make sure I'm okay with this, Derek, really, but I'm not going to influence your decision on whether or not you and Addison should be friends."

"But you are okay with it, right?"

She nodded. "Yes. She was a big part of your life for a long time, Derek. I think it's good if you two can be friends."

"I think it would be good if we could all be friends," said a familiar voice.

Derek jumped at the sudden intrusion into their conversation and turned quickly on his seat to find Addison standing just feet away, dressed fashionably as usual and towering over them in her high heels. Beside him, Meredith also turned.

The red head cringed, as if regretting cutting into their conversation. "I'm sorry. I wasn't eavesdropping. I just saw you two here and came to say goodbye and heard my name..."

"It's okay," Derek offered.

Addison nodded and took a step closer, but said nothing as tension rose between them.

"Uh, leaving already?" Meredith spoke up.

Addison nodded. "I have to catch my plane."

"Short trip," Derek said.

Again, Addison nodded. "Yeah, it was. But maybe that was good for the first visit."

"How's your patient?"

She smiled. "They're both fine."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it is." She offered them both a smile. "Well, I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Have a good flight. It was nice to see you."

She nodded and almost turned before taking a deep breath. "I meant what I said," she said, looking away from Derek and addressing Meredith. I'd like it if we could all be friends. You know, eventually."

Meredith nodded. "I'd like that, too," she said, before smiling and adding, "you know, eventually."

Addison smiled back and shifted her attention to Derek and said, "You picked well."

Before he could get over his surprise at her statement to say a word, she had turned on her heel and left the bar, leaving him staring after her as he processed what she had said.

"You okay?" Meredith asked as the clicking of Addison's heels on the bar floor faded.

He turned to her and for a moment didn't say a word as he took in the sight of the woman sitting next to him, dressed in jeans and sneakers, her hair pulled back from her face and an expression of support and concern on her face. God, she was perfect. And so was his new life. Regardless of how many hours he had worked that week and how exhausted he was, he loved his job. And he loved his and Meredith's homey condo more than any fancy brownstone he'd lived in before. And he'd pick the simplicity of Joe's over any of the ritzy restaurants he'd frequented in New York. And, most of all, he loved his wife more than anything else in the world.

He smiled and reached to cup her face. "It's like she said, I picked well."


	127. Chapter 127

_**AN: Again, sorry for the delay. Still sore from my car accident. But things are getting better and updates should be much more regular from now on. My goal is to finish this story by this September, which will be five years since I started it (Seriously, how did THAT happen?). I'll see how that goes...**_

_**This chapter touches on some of episode 4.13. The 'date and tell form' and Burke winning the Harper Avery were both featured in this episode, so neither are my idea, but I used both in this chapter.**_

00

Meredith ran her hand roughly through her hair as she struggled to remain focussed on the chart lying open in front of her when all she wanted to do was yell and scream and stomp her feet, and pretty much have a three year old hissy fit. The corners of her lips tugged at the amusing thought. She wasn't _that_ far gone yet, but the thought made her feel better.

A massive car accident had caused her to miss her appointment with Dr. Wyatt earlier that week. She'd had her normal appointment the evening before and then a makeup appointment that morning, and had been on call overnight in-between. That was a lot of therapy and not a lot of time to process the therapy.

And, apparently, process time was important, because right now, on therapy overload, Meredith was struggling to resist the urge to storm down the hall to the Chief's office and unload all of her frustration and anger on the man who had ruined her mother's life.

Wyatt had said she'd opened herself up to feelings she'd always harboured but had never let herself feel. Meredith just wanted it to stop. At first, she'd thought the feelings would be easy to put behind her, but instead they had flourished inside her. And not in a good way. In a very bad, potentially career damaging, way.

Wanting to yell and scream at your boss was not a good thing. Especially when you were a surgical resident and your career could depend on the man you want to yell and scream at.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Wyatt had taught her to remind herself of the reality to get through these feelings. Yes, Richard Webber had hurt her mother. But that was a very long time ago. Meredith was happy now. She'd overcome her upbringing.

Of course, she wouldn't have had to overcome her upbringing if Richard hadn't shattered her mother and set Meredith up for a childhood of neglect and pain.

She swore under her breath and forced her focus back to the exercise. _What was the reality?_ The thing she was mad about happened a very long time ago. She wasn't the lonely and helpless little girl she's once been, or the damaged and avoidant woman she'd almost become. She was happy and working towards being the person she wanted to be.

She needed to stop blaming Richard Webber, for her own sake. She needed to focus on the reality, and the reality was that Richard Webber had no say in her life anymore.

Except that he did, because he was her boss and he could make or break her career. And he was her husband's boss and had overstepped his professional boundaries on several occasions.

With an annoyed huff, she opened her eyes, giving up on the coping mechanism. Clearly she wasn't in the right frame of mind for this exercise.

Instead, she twisted her wedding band around her finger, round and round and round. Her thoughts drifted to her husband and the two whole days off they were about to have. This was a much better exercise for right now, and much more effective. It may not fix anything long-term, but it would allow her calm down long enough to focus on the chart she was supposed to be notating.

After a minute, she felt calm enough to continue with her work. It took her a little over fifteen minutes to finish updating her notes and pass the chart across the desk to be filed. Having nothing scheduled in the immediate future, she headed down to the coffee cart for much needed caffeine and sugar. She was on her way back to the surgical floor when she spotted Izzie, Alex and George staring at the announcement board.

"What are we looking at?" She asked.

"The thing the cops will call the trigger when Cristina goes all psycho killer on the hospital," Alex answered.

"What are you..." She trailed off as her eyes found the posted article her friends had been staring at. _Local area surgeon wins prestigious award_, the caption read. And just below the caption was a picture of Preston Burke. Her eyes read far enough to find the words, _Harper Avery_. "He won the Harper Avery?"

"And the stating the obvious award goes to..."

Meredith took a long sip of coffee, suddenly desperate for the caffeine. It was going to be an even longer day than she had expected. "Has Cristina seen it?"

"I don't think so," George said. "I saw her this morning and she seemed fine. Well, not fine, but not any different than she's been lately."

"She has been really moody lately," Izzie agreed, "Even for Cristina."

"She screwed an attending and got screwed for it," Alex said with a shrug.

"Alex..." Meredith said carefully.

Alex met her eyes evenly. "I'm not apologizing for telling the truth."

"She wasn't _screwing_ him. She loved him. She was going to marry him."

He at least had the decency to look a little apologetic.

"She's going to freak when she sees this," Izzie said. "Let's take it down."

"You can't just take it down," Meredith said. "It's on _the board_."

"Yes, we can," Izzie said, reaching her hands towards the article. "She never has to know." Her fingers touched the paper, but she hesitated and pulled her hands away.

"She's going to hear about it," Meredith reasoned. Her best friend was definitely going to react badly to the news, but taking down the article was only going to delay the inevitable. And in a hospital as gossip-friendly as Seattle Grace, the inevitable could be as short as minutes away. It may be less cruel to let Cristina find out this way and not through word of mouth.

"Who's going to hear about what?" Cristina's voice rang out from behind them.

Meredith flinched and turned around to greet her best friend.

Izzie quickly jumped into action, spinning and backing against the bulletin board so her head was covering the article. It was a sweet gesture, obviously made with the best intentions, but it was also painfully obvious she was hiding something.

"Uh..." Meredith hesitated. How do you tell your best friend, who lost her fiancé and teacher in one painful swoop when he left her at the altar, and is struggling professionally because the new teacher is treating her like crap, that the ex-fiancé has won the Harper freaking Avery award?

"What is going on?"

"Nothing," Izzie and George said at the same time, causing Meredith to flinch again. _No,_ they weren't hiding _anything_. Good thing one didn't have to be stealthy to be a surgeon.

"Cristina," she began gently, knowing there was no good way to approach this. Cristina's mood had been steadily declining for months. This may just be the final straw to make her crack under the pressure.

Cristina ignored her, instead focussing on Izzie and what she was hiding. "Izzie, move. What are you hiding?"

Izzie hesitated, but after a moment sighed and shifted so Cristina could see the article.

All five residents stood silently for several moments as Cristina stared unblinkingly at the article. And then she said flatly, "Good for him," and walked away.

Meredith hesitated as she watched her go. Part of her wanted to go after her, but the other part knew Cristina needed time to process this new hit.

"Should we go after her?" Izzie asked to the group. "I mean... She needs to know..."

"What?" Alex prompted, "That she got screwed? Trust me, she already knows."

"But-"

"Alex is right," Meredith said with a sigh. "She needs time."

000

Half a shift later and Meredith was more than ready to go home for her weekend with her husband. Cristina was still MIA from her departure that morning and Izzie had spent close to ten minutes ranting to and around Meredith about the fact that Alex was moving his girlfriend – who was also his former patient whom he had rescued from the ferry crash that had almost claimed Meredith's life – into the house. She made it very clear that there was something very important that Izzie knew but couldn't share, which just frustrated Meredith even more.

"Iz, I don't know what you want me to say if you won't tell me what's going on."

"I can't tell you what I know!" The blond ranted.

"Then what do you want me to do?"

"Talk to Alex. He won't listen to me."

"What exactly is it you want me to say? If he loves her, this could be a good thing for Alex. He's been lonely since she left."

"Since she was discharged, you mean," Izzie said, reminding Meredith that the Rebecca Pope, aka Ava, had been a patient for close to two months following the ferry crash before being discharged along with her baby.

"Whatever. If he's happy..."

"He doesn't know what he is!"

"Iz..."

"No, you don't understand. He's changing his whole life for her."

"So? He's a big boy, Iz. He can make these decisions."

"But he doesn't have all the information."

Meredith sighed and ran her hand through her hair.

"Please, just talk to him."

"And say what, exactly?"

"Tell him she can't move in."

"How am I supposed to do that? I don't live there anymore."

"But it's still your house."

"I'm not going to tell him she can't move in, Iz. If you have a problem with the living arrangements, you need to deal with it."

"It's not the living arrangements. It's..." She trailed off.

"I can't help if I don't know what the problem is," she pointed out.

Izzie huffed, but her shoulders hunched in a defeated manner. "I know," she muttered, before turning and walking away, mumbling something that sounded like, "stupid confidentiality rules."

Meredith shook her head. Whatever drama Izzie was foreseeing would surface at some point. Until then, she had other concerns. Like tracking down her best friend. And preventing herself from yelling at the Chief.

She turned to head towards the OR board to start her Cristina search – her best friend had been missing for too long – when she came face to face with George.

"Uh, hi," he said cautiously. He held a stack of forms in his hands.

"Hi," she responded, narrowing her eyes at his hesitance. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he said.

"Then why do you look like that?" He looked incredibly uncomfortable and nervous. She had no idea why he would be acting like that around her.

"Well, the Chief has me on a special project today."

"O-kay. What does that mean?"

"It means I need you to fill this out," he said, handing her one of the forms he had been holding.

"What is it?" She asked as she took the form and glanced at the top, titled '_Date and Tell Form._'

George didn't answer. She looked up, only to find him gone.

"George?" She turned around, but he was out of sight. _Weird_.

She looked down at the form again. _Effective immediately, hospital policy requires all employees to register any and all sexual relationships with other hospital employees. Please complete this form and return it by end of business today. All information provided will be kept confidential._ And below the disclaimer and instructions were boxes for name, position, hospital ID number, start date, gender and age. And then there were several lines to record past sexual partners, requiring their name, position and start and end dates of the 'relationship.'

"What the hell is this?" Meredith asked out loud.

"It's awful, isn't it?"

She turned to see her half-sister standing only feet away.

"George gave me the form and ran," Lexie told her.

"Yeah, me too," she said, glancing around just to make sure George wasn't somewhere in sight. If he was, she'd have to give him a piece of her mind for pulling a stunt like that.

Lexie stepped closer and sighed. "This is _so_ embarrassing. If I'd known I'd have to fill this out, I wouldn't have..." Her voice cracked and she trailed off.

"You wouldn't have what?" Meredith prompted. "Slept with Alex?"

Lexie made a face. "I'd kind of hoped you'd forgotten about that."

"It was in my house, Lex," she said dryly. "And I passed you on my way in while you were doing the walk of shame."

Lexie buried her face in her hands, but not fast enough to hide the sudden redness in her cheeks. She said nothing.

"There's nothing wrong with that. We've all been there."

"I didn't know it was your house," she said through her hands. "And I'm not the girl who does...that. There was just so much going on at home with...dad. And I just needed to...to..."

"Get laid?" Meredith offered lightly.

Lexie made an unintelligible noise, causing Meredith to laugh.

"Seriously, Lexie, you need to lighten up. This is not something to be embarrassed about."

Lexie pulled her hands away from her face and met Meredith's eyes. Her face was still red. "Really?"

She shrugged. "Well, other than the fact that it was with Alex..."

Lexie sighed and looked away from Meredith's eyes.

"I'm kidding," she said, swinging her arm around Lexie's shoulders. "And if it makes you feel any better, that's how Derek and I got started."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm," she confirmed.

"So, you two worked together without anything between you and then one night just..."

Meredith had to bite back a laugh at how innocent her sister was compared to herself. "More like we met at Joe's the night before either of us started working here, got drunk and exchanged names the next morning."

Lexie looked shocked. "But you two are so...happy."

"We are," she agreed.

Lexie hesitated before asking, "And you're not...ashamed of how you met?" There was only curiosity and no judgement in her tone.

She shook her head. "Nope. We're happy. Why should I be ashamed of that?"

Lexie smiled at her. "I guess sometimes I like to look for fairytales instead of reality."

"Well, you grew up with normal parents and rules and smiley-faced posters on your wall." She was surprised to find she didn't feel an ounce of contempt or jealousy at her own statement.

"I'm sorry you didn't have the same childhood I did," Lexie said genuinely. "In fact, I'm sorry we didn't share a childhood."

Meredith nodded. "Me, too."

"Really?"

"Really," she confirmed, dropping her arm from around Lexie's shoulders to meet her eyes better.

"Do you think, you know one day, that it could be like we'd been sisters our whole lives?"

Meredith gently shook her head. "No, I don't think so."

"Oh," Lexie said, her shoulders slumping.

"But we can be sisters."

Lexie perked up.

"We didn't grow up together or even know the other existed, and no matter what, we can't ever change that." This was the reality of the situation. Apparently Wyatt's psych trick was multi-use. "But we can get closer and figure out what works best for us to be sisters now."

"You really think so?"

Meredith nodded.

"Even though you didn't want a sister?"

She nodded again. "Even though I didn't want a sister. You were pretty persistent."

"I didn't mean to be too annoying."

"You weren't; just moderately annoying."

Lexie laughed. "Ouch."

Meredith laughed as well and bumped her shoulder. "I didn't want a sister, but I do now. It's like you said; you look for the fairytale, which would be us just picking up as sisters. That's not realistic. What we're doing now is reality." She shrugged. "And I think that's pretty good."

OOO

She had changed, Meredith reflected after her intern sister had been paged away from their conversation. Like, really changed. In the months since she'd started therapy, her focus had been on how she was feeling, how her marriage was handling the stress and the feelings that therapy brought up – like hatred towards the Chief. She hadn't spent much time considering her interactions and relationships with anyone other than Derek and a little bit with Cristina, but now she realized how much she had changed. Because some time in the last few months she had truly let Lexie in. She'd stopped keeping her at arm's length and dropped the walls she been holding up around herself.

It was a little disconcerting to realize how vulnerable she had allowed herself to become, but at the same time it was a little freeing. She was building a family and a life for herself. She was choosing who she wanted to be her family. And she was _able_ to let those chosen people in.

Derek had been the anomaly. He'd wormed his way into her heart and her life without much conscious thought on her part. Maybe she'd just been too distracted (and exhausted) with her mother and her internship to realize what was happening. Because he'd done with very little resistance what she'd never allowed anyone to do before. And she hadn't even slowed down enough to realize what was going on until more than half a year had passed – and by then it was too late to think about turning back. He'd gotten her started on this path.

Her friends had followed closely behind Derek, but she'd been conscious of how much she was letting them in, how much she was letting them know about her and how much they could hurt her. It had taken her days to agree to Izzie and George being her roommates, and even after they moved in she'd kept them at an arm's length for weeks before slowly letting them in. Izzie had always made Meredith feel welcome, but her bubbly attitude threw her off at first and made her doubt the blonde's intentions. It had taken months of consistent behaviour from Izzie before Meredith stopped questioning her motives and allowed herself to accept the friendship without questions. George had always been sweet, and his quiet nature put Meredith at ease, but her experience told her men especially could not be trusted, and so George had unfairly been marked as a potential source of pain. And though she had accepted his motives faster than she had with Izzie, it had still taken weeks.

Cristina, she had bonded with quickly. Some unspoken quality in both surgeons seemed to recognize each other immediately, and Meredith hadn't fought it. But both she and Cristina were the types to bury their true selves within and only show the world what they wanted. It was a self-protective quality that was developed through negative experience. They had probably bonded over the fact that they recognized what the other was doing, but weren't there to judge.

With Alex, she recognized a lot of herself. After the few months that it took to realize he wasn't just an ass, but a potentially likeable ass, she had made a conscious and easy decision to accept him into her life. They had a lot in common, and had a couple pieces of her life been tweaked, she would probably have been even more like him. She understood what he'd overcome in his life to become a surgeon, and even better understood his reluctance to talk about himself or his past. He said what was on his mind without caring what others thought, and the only thing he tried to hide was how much he cared. His moral compass didn't exact point north, but he didn't manipulate people to get what he wanted. She respected that and didn't worry about him hurting her because she knew he worried about exactly the same thing.

Lexie herself had never been an issue, but it had taken some time for her to warm up to the _idea_ of Lexie. Of having a sister. Of letting someone in who she was related to. And when she finally had let her in, it had been conscious and measured and gradual. Until it hadn't. One day she'd been internally analyzing every interaction she and Lexie had, and the next day she'd just...stopped. And now she had conversations with Lexie where there was hugging and advice-giving and shortened names. She'd found herself calling Lexie 'Lex' on several occasions. Today she'd swung her arm around Lexie's shoulders without even thinking. Lexie had become family.

They'd all become family.

Even Mark, who'd hurt her only months ago by spreading that rumour she was pregnant. But he'd made it up to her. And he was Derek's family, so he was her family. They shared a family now.

And she'd welcomed that. She'd opened herself up more and more. Hell, she'd told her friends about her therapy. A year ago she wouldn't have been caught dead in therapy, let alone tell her friends about it, but now she was working to better her life and she didn't care if her friends – her _family_ – knew about it. _Her family_. Less than two years ago she'd had no one. Now she had a picture of herself, Derek and six other people she considered _family_ on her living room wall in her _home_ that she shared with her _husband._ And the framed picture hung proudly beside the one of herself, Derek and the twenty-four east coasters she considered family. Including Derek, that was thirty-one people she now had in her life that hadn't been there even two years prior.

That was a hell of a lot of progress.

If only she could stop hating the Chief so very much. It was distracting her from her life.

"Meredith!" Izzie's distressed voice cried as she half collapsed against the counter beside Meredith.

"Izzie!" She returned in the same tone.

Izzie huffed as she stood mostly upright, leaning her hip against the counter.

"Come back for more vague ranting?"

"No, I came back for some very un-vague ranting."

"Un-vague? I don't think that's a thing."

"It's a thing!" The blonde insisted.

"Is it in the dictionary?"

Izzie snorted. "You're not very helpful today."

"I can't be helpful if I don't know what the problem is. You ranted forever earlier about Alex and Rebecca. If he's happy, I don't see what the problem is with her moving in with him. Don't you want him to be happy?"

"Of _course_ I want him to be happy. I just... She just... Argh! I hate being a doctor today. I hate that Alex is mad at me and I can't tell him that it's not that I disapprove. It's..." She trailed off with an irritated huff.

"Iz, if something's really wrong, you need to say something," she said, suddenly feeling concerned that something was _actually_ wrong and this wasn't just Izzie being over dramatic.

"I want to. I just...can't. I even asked Bailey. There's nothing I can do."

"Well, let me know if there's something I can do to help."

"Thanks, Mer."

Meredith smiled. "This doesn't sound like un-vague ranting."

"Oh, that's not what I was going to rant about."

"Then, what?"

"This!" She said, slamming a single piece of paper down onto the counter between them. "Did George give you one of these?"

Meredith glanced down at the piece of paper. An identical copy to the form George had given her before disappearing. Her conversation with Lexie had pushed it from her mind. "Yes, the bastard did. Then he ran away."

"Oh, he tried to run from me, but I caught him," Izzie said proudly, for a moment channelling the trailer-park-Izzie of the past.

Meredith lifted her own copy as she reread the instructions. "What the hell is this for?"

"The Chief is implementing a new policy that all hospital employees need to register-"

"Sexual relationships," Meredith finished, reading the words herself. "But why?"

"Apparently the nurses' union is pushing it. There've been a lot of complaints about Dr. Sloan."

"How would this possibly help that?"

Izzie shook her head. "I have no idea." She cringed. "Meredith, I don't want the Chief to know I slept with _Alex_!"

"Iz, everyone knows you slept with Alex," she retorted, laughing to herself at the parallels in her conversations with both Izzie and Lexie. Both were embarrassed about the same name they'd be recording on their form.

"That's not true!"

"It's kind of true."

"The Chief doesn't know. But he's going to read this form and then he's going to know."

She had a point. Despite the fact that the form promised any information provided would remain confidential, she didn't doubt the Chief could read any one he felt like; _every _one he felt like. Just because. And he probably would. Scratch that. He definitely would. He was so absorbed in his power that he would see it as his right. Just like he saw making Derek jump through hoops as his right. And destroying Meredith's childhood as his right.

A wave on anger washed over her, so powerful she felt her hands curls into tight fists. She closed her eyes, knowing she'd crossed the line into unto the land of unrealistic, and tried to remind herself of the reality of the situation.

_What was the reality, again?_

_I have my own life. I'm happy. He has no say in my life._ Except that he does have a say. He has far too much of a say. He flaunts his power. He's-

"Are you okay?" Izzie asked quietly, concern lining her voice.

Meredith opened her eyes, grabbed the form out of Izzie's hand and crumpled it into a tiny ball. "Don't fill it out. It's an invasion of privacy. He can't make you."

"But he's our boss."

"And he thinks that means he's a god. But he's not a god, Iz. He's just a jackass that likes to exert his power over the little people."

Izzie stared at her for a moment, her mouth open in surprise. "O-kay," she finally said. "Is this about your mother?"

"Of course this is about my mother!" She snapped.

Izzie laughed, but covered it quickly with a cough.

Meredith shot her a glare.

"Sorry. I'm just...sorry. Normally you deny things like this. I didn't expect you to admit it. Especially not so...easily."

More progress. She took a breath. "I'm on therapy overload. Had my normal session yesterday and a makeup appointment this morning. We've been talking a lot about my mother and her...choices." Her choice mainly being all about Richard Webber. "And, Iz, I think I may actually do physical harm to the man."

Izzie reached out and wrapped her fingers tightly around Meredith's forearm. "You and Derek are off tomorrow, right? For a couple days?"

Meredith nodded.

"Then just think about that. I get being mad at him, Mer. Trust me; I'd be pissed, too. In fact, as your friend, I'm officially pissed for you. But he's not worth this."

"I know," she said. "It's not worth potentially damaging my career. But I just...hate him so much right now."

"I'm not talking about your career," Izzie said, taking her by surprise. "I'm talking about you. Look what you're letting this do to you."

"I'm not..." She trailed off as Izzie's words hit home. This wasn't something that was _happening_ to her right now. This was something she was _letting_ drive her crazy. She was _letting _these thoughts and feelings take over in her head.

"You are," Izzie pressed gently. "He was a bastard for leaving your mother like that. But that was a long time ago. If you let that affect you so much now, you're letting him win."

Meredith felt the anger shrink inside her. It was still there, but reality was definitely in charge now. "You're right."

_What's the reality?_ She's better than this. She'd stronger than this.

Izzie released her arm. "Are you okay?"

"I will be," she said honestly.

00

Having decided on a happy medium to get through the rest of her shift – she wasn't letting the anger take over, but she had torn her form up into as many pieces as possible and tossed it into the garbage under silent protest – Meredith was feeling much more in control. She paged her interns and met with them all to discuss their patients and whom they would all be reporting to while she was off. After warning them not to kill anyone or make her look stupid, she released them back into the hospital with a smirk at their nervous expressions.

As difficult as it had been to have interns in the beginning of the surgical year, she was actually enjoying the teaching at times now. Her interns were pretty good – for interns, that is – and it was nice to feel like someone they could come to for help.

She rounded on her patients herself, just to make sure her interns hadn't missed anything. When she was finished, she glanced at her watch, happy to see her shift was almost over. It looked like she'd actually be able to leave on time. Her interns had their instructions for the next two days, her patients were stable and her charts were completely up to date. A check of the OR board showed that her husband's name was not on it.

She headed for his office, and found the door ajar. Pushing through, she smiled at him when he looked up from his desk.

"Hey," he said. "I'm just finishing with one last chart. Are you going to be ready to leave on time?"

She nodded. "Amazing, isn't it?"

"Amazing," he agreed. "I don't think this has ever happened before."

She laughed and plopped herself down onto the seat across from. "How was your surgery this morning?" He'd been scheduled for a tumour resection that was supposed to take several hours that morning.

"It went well. Got clean margins and expect the patient to make a full recovery," he said as he shifted his gaze back down to the chart and began scribbling additional notes.

"That's great."

He nodded. "How about you? Any surgeries?"

"Not today."

"How was your session this morning?"

"I'll tell you later."

He looked up in concern, his attention now fully on her, his pen wielding hand poised in mid-air.

She smiled at the concern, but shook her head. "I'm okay. Just on therapy overload. I don't want to get into it here."

He cocked his head and studied her for a long moment, his eyes shifting between hers, searching and calculating. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure. It's nothing new; just anger at the Chief and whatnot. I finally got myself to calm down in the last hour or two. I don't want to get worked up again here."

His brow furrowed and his lips quivered as if he wanted to say more.

She offered him a soft smile, grateful for his concern. "I'm okay, Derek. I promise."

"Okay." He mirrored her smile. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

He went back to his notes and after a couple minutes of silence put down his pen. "Done."

"And our weekend can begin," she said brightly.

"Just about," he agreed. "I just need to file this chart," he said, closing the chart he had been notating, "and drop this off," he added, placing a piece of paper down on top of the chart.

Meredith felt her blood boil at the sight of the familiar form. She picked it off of the chart, her eyes taking in his familiar writing. He'd filled in all of his personal information and listed her as his only sexual partner since his start date the previous July.

He was her husband. Her partner. Her lover. They were together and happy and committed. And it was no secret to anyone. But the sight of her name on that form made it all feel so incredibly cheap.

The fact that under 'end date of relationship,' he'd written 'forever' instead of simply 'current' wasn't even enough to lessen the weight that settled on her chest.

"You are not handing this in," she declared.

He chuckled as he walked around the desk to her, his expression teasing. "Mer, we've been married for almost 7 months. And together for a year and a half. I think they know we have sex," he joked.

"I'm serious, Derek," she said, tearing her eyes away from the form to look at him.

His brow furrowed as he realized how serious she was being. When he spoke his voice was quiet and even. "It's just a form."

"It's an invasion of privacy. And I'm pretty sure it's illegal."

"It's not just us," he reasoned. "Apparently a lot of hospitals have implemented things like this." He shrugged his shoulders, clearly not perturbed by having to fill out the form.

"I don't care. I'm not letting him do this to us."

He stepped up to her. His hands came to rest on her hips. "Mer, it's just a stupid form," he repeated. "It's not like we have anything to hide."

"That's not the point. It's invasive and cheap. I'm not letting him do this."

Derek cocked his head. "This is part of therapy overload?"

She huffed. "Maybe."

The corners of his lips curled upwards. "What did you do with your form?"

"Tore it up and threw it in the garbage."

His expression morphed into a fully fledged – and very amused – smile.

"I'm taking a stand," she told him.

"Okay. I'm willing to take a stand with you. But I'm not sure I understand what we're standing up against?"

She leaned into his warmth and snaked her hands around his waist. She pressed her nose into his chest and inhaled. God, she loved him. Here he was, completely confused about her motives – and the rational side of her understood exactly why – but ready to stand beside her no matter what. Even for a cause that really didn't mean anything.

"It's no secret we have sex," he said. "And I wouldn't want it to be," he continued when she didn't speak. "I love having sex with you." He dipped his head and pressed his open mouth against the sensitive skin where her neck met her shoulder. He grazed his teeth against her skin. "In fact, it's something I'm very proud of. I wouldn't care if the whole world knew," he whispered against her.

"That's not the point," she tried to explain. "Making us put that down on a form... It's...demeaning."

His lips climbed up her neck slowly. "It's not like we have anything to hide," he pointed out. "There will only be one person on both our forms."

She smiled at how sure he was of that. Despite her (admittedly irrational) aversion to this form, he hadn't paused for a moment to wonder if she was keeping a secret from him.

"I know," she said, wanting him to know she was as sure as he was.

He kissed his way along her jaw line and then up to her lips. "Would you feel this way if Richard wasn't in charge and someone else was asking us to fill this form out?"

She shook her head. "No, probably not."

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes.

"I know it's not rational," she told him evenly.

He smirked. "Okay."

"And I don't know how to explain to you how I feel."

"Just try."

"I don't know if it will make sense."

"Try," he said again. "I've learned to listen between the lines. You make a lot more sense than you think."

She smiled at that. "He's had too much control over my life for a long time. Forever, Derek. He's had too much control forever. He kept her away from me and my dad when I was little. He made her leave my dad. He made her leave Seattle. He basically made my childhood what it was. Then I came back here and he's still in control. It's unfair that he's my boss. He controls my life and my career. He keeps trying to control you because you're my husband. And he steps outside his professional boundaries to do it."

"It isn't fair," Derek agreed. "You shouldn't have to have him as your boss."

"It isn't fair to you, either," she told him. "All the crap he's put you through. That's not fair. He uses his professional power against you."

"First of all, he's gotten much better. It's been months since he's tried anything like that. And second, and most important, you are more than worth any crap he throws my way. I'll jump through any hoops for you, Mer."

Her heart tugged at his earnest tone. "I know you will. But you shouldn't have to. Who the hell is he to have hoops?"

"Well, like I said, he hasn't pulled anything in months."

"That doesn't matter. It's the fact that he thinks he has a right to do so. He actually thought he had a right to judge you for being with me. For what? Making sure you were worthy?" She scoffed. "He's questioned _my_ choice in you. _My_ relationship. _My_ decision to get married. _My_ decision to change my name. Everything. It's debasing. He treated me badly at work, in the OR, in front of my interns, for weeks after I changed my name because he was mad at me. Seriously! Who the hell does he think he is? And there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing. But this form is something I can refuse to be a part of. I had no control over the rest of it, but this I have control over. I can say no."

He nodded. "I understand. But, Mer, you realize this is hospital wide, right? He's not targeting us."

"But he's going to read them. It doesn't matter that it's supposed to be confidential. You know he's going to read them and compare them. And even though he's supposed to be professional, you know he's going to be interested in yours and mine just to make sure we're exclusive. It doesn't matter that our forms will only have each other on them and that that isn't a secret to anyone. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to confirm that. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to nose his way into our personal lives."

"You're probably right. He'll read the forms to make sure." He sighed and pulled her into a tight hug. "He can't be just the Chief of Surgery to you, Mer. But he _is_ doing better."

"I don't care right now if he's doing better. I wouldn't care if he flipped a switch and became perfectly professional today. He's done too much in the past. He's taken too many liberties. He's treated us both badly and he..." She trailed off and swallowed hard. "He made my mother want to _die_, Derek."

He hugged her tighter.

She clutched at him as she refused to cry. Not here. She would get through the day.

"I'm so freaking angry at him. I can barely control it. And sometimes I don't want to control it. Because yelling and screaming at him actually seems like the right thing to do sometimes. And I hate that he's my boss and I have to be perfect and professional and he doesn't. It doesn't matter that he's behaving himself right now. It matters that he doesn't feel he has to."

He rubbed her back. "You realize withholding these forms could make it look like we're trying to hide something."

"I don't care," she whispered into his chest.

He kissed the top of her head. "Okay, then I don't care either."

"Really?"

He pulled back and bent to pick the form off the floor. She hadn't even realized she'd dropped it. With a smirk, he ripped it down the center, put the strips of paper together and ripped it again.

"Thank you," she told him.

He leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I'll always be your wingman, Mer."

She laughed. "You're a good wingman."

He tossed the form into the garbage pail beside his desk and picked up the chart lying on his desk. "Let's go home and enjoy our two whole days off."

She followed him out of his office and reached for his hand as they rode the elevator down to the surgical floor. She went with him to file the chart, and then he went with her to the Residents' Lounge to change out of her scrubs.

She was just pulling her jacket on over her street clothes when the door opened and Cristina walked in.

"Hey," Meredith called. She hadn't seen her best friend since she had disappeared that morning upon learning of Burke's award. "Score a good surgery today?"

Cristina scoffed. "As if Hahn would let me near a patient. I spent the day in the morgue harvesting hearts."

"Oh, I..." She stammered, no words of support coming to mind.

"And the Chief paged me into the boardroom to tell me I had to fill out this form," she continued, unheeded by Meredith's lack of words or Derek's presence, "Which was a wonderful end to my day," she added, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "Evidently, the hospital is still liable, even though Dr. Burke no longer works here," she explained, clearly mimicking the Chief's statement.

"He called you in to tell you that?" She exchanged a look with Derek. "That seems a little harsh."

Cristina shrugged as she dug through her locker for some unknown item. "Whatever. Story of my life." He voice sounded dull and lifeless.

Meredith flinched. The day had clearly broken a part of Cristina's spirit. "Don't complete the form. Fight the power."

Cristina almost smirked as she glanced towards her. "Yeah, because that's reasonable."

"It is," she insisted. "Forms are stupid. Derek and I are boycotting."

"The happily married couple who each only have one person to list on their form is boycotting? Why?"

Derek shrugged. "Like Mer said; forms are stupid."

Cristina snorted. "You two make no sense, but you're entertaining."

"Join us," Derek prompted. "Three for the cause is better than two." He glanced at Meredith, who smiled warmly at him. She knew he was trying to make Cristina feel better, and she was grateful for it.

"Still not seeing what the cause is, exactly, but I'll consider your offer."

The door opened again, revealing George. "Oh, Mer, perfect. The Chief sent me to get your form."

"Forms are stupid, George," she said as she buttoned her coat and reached for her purse.

"Yeah, but I'm still going to need it." He stepped in front of her when she made to head for the door.

"George, seriously, I'm not going to fill out the form, so you may as well get out of my way."

"Come on, Mer, please? For me?"

"For you? I shouldn't even be talking to you after what you pulled. You don't just hand someone a form like that and disappear."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to be stuck doing that all day. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Chief made me."

Another surge of anger washed over her. The Chief has pulled a surgeon off the floor for the day to have him distribute and collect a demeaning form. Who did he think he was?

"Fine. It's not your fault. But I'm still not filling out the form."

"Please?"

"Forms are stupid," she repeated her earlier statement.

George sighed. "What am I supposed to tell the Chief?"

She shrugged. "Tell him he's an ass. Tell him you're a surgeon and this little task he's assigned you is demeaning." She felt Derek's hand land on her back, calming her.

"I can't tell him that. He's the Chief of Surgery!"

"I say this with love, but you need to grow a pair, George. You're a surgeon. This job is demeaning and he picked you because he knew you'd go along with it." She took a breath. "If he asks where my form is, tell him I refused to complete one. And if he asks why, tell him I said for him to mind his own fucking business."

George looked over her shoulder, clearly looking to Derek for help.

Derek shifted to drape his arm over her shoulder. "Ditto."

George sighed and looked back to her. "I'll just tell him...something."

She smiled. "Great. We're off for the next two days. I wish you lots of good surgeries." She turned back to her best friend, who had been watching her exchange with George with interest, "Call me if you want to talk, or rant."

Cristina nodded.

Meredith marched out of the lounge with Derek beside her.

* * *

_**AN: Again, sorry about the delay. On top of the car accident, I got a new jib (YAY!) and had to move to a new city, and as a result was internetless for a while. (I can check e-mail on my phone, but haven't figured out how to write a chapter on my laptop, get it onto my phone and post it here...). On a plus note, now that I have internet again, the following chapter is also complete, so it will be up in the next couple days. I just want to do one more review. Now, it's longer than usual without a great place to split it up, so I guess I'm looking for feedback as to whether readers prefer one long chapter (12k+ words) or two shorter chapters?**_


	128. Chapter 128

_**AN: Big thanks for all of the feedback from the last chapter. I don't always have time to respond to each review separately, but I want everyone who takes the time to leave a review to know how much they are appreciated. After only being able to post sporadically lately, it's really nice to know you are all still so interested and invested in reading this fic. And I was especially appreciative of the feedback regarding Meredith's attitude. She's being irrational, but she knows it. I'm glad she didn't come off as having gone too far in her feelings/thoughts.**_

_**I decided to just post the whole chapter as one long chapter (actually came in at over 13.5k words). It's long, but it really doesn't split up well. We've pretty much come to the end of Meredith's therapy. This chapter hits some parts that border on dark, but everything is resolved by the end, so please stick with it.**_

* * *

"How was your time off?"

Meredith sat back against the familiar couch, content to allow Wyatt to ease her into the session. It had a month now since she'd fully opened up and told the therapist about her mother's suicide attempt. They had spent hours of therapy discussing its effect on Meredith. _Hours_ of therapy. And countless more hours outside of therapy were spent thinking and debating what she was feeling. But Meredith had yet to feel relief from the memory that had plagued her for more than two decades.

If anything, she felt more haunted now by the memory. She thought of it every day; the blood, the fear, the helplessness. On multiple occasions, she had been woken from nightmares of _that_ day to her husband's soothing voice and warm arms holding her tight. She woke up in the morning feeling less than fully rested, regardless of how much sleep she got.

She couldn't go on like this much longer. She'd opened herself up in order to fully heal from the inside, but the healing wasn't happening and the feelings were cracking her resolve and making her feel unstable and vulnerable.

She had managed to let go of her anger towards the Chief for her short time off with her husband. They had stayed home for two glorious days. They'd lounged around in bed both mornings, snuggled on the couch and gone out for dinner. For more than forty-eight uninterrupted hours, she was able to be happy and free. But then she'd returned to work that morning and the moment she'd stepped in the front doors of the hospital, it had felt like a vice tightened around her chest.

She couldn't be free inside the hospital. She couldn't step out from her mother's shadow or the Chief's control inside the hospital. She couldn't escape the feelings of hurt and vulnerability and anger inside the hospital.

"It was great," she said, honestly, wishing she could rewind and still be off work.

"Any nightmares?"

She sighed, but nodded. "One. The first night."

"The same as normal?"

"Yup."

_The blood was warm as it pooled around her, soaking into her pants._

_ Terrified, but refusing to cry, she sat silent and still, staring at her mother's bleeding form._

_ Ellis's eyes were open, but dull. She seemed to be staring at the pool of blood surrounding her daughter. "Meredith," she whispered._

_ "Mommy," Meredith whimpered, feeling weak as her lower lip trembled._

_ Ellis's gaze flickered towards her, eyes as dead as they'd been since that day in the park when she'd left Meredith on the carousel. "Meredith," she said again, this time a little louder. "Be extraordinary." Her eyes closed for several moments and Meredith wondered if they'd ever open again._

_ She looked towards the phone hanging on the wall across the kitchen. Her mother had made her promise not to call for help, but that had been before she'd cut her wrists with the scalpel. And there was a lot of blood on the floor now._

_ Ellis's eyes opened again. "Be an extraordinary woman, Meredith," she said, more evenly than before. And for a long moment, she held Meredith's gaze before her eyes shut again._

_ This time Meredith knew they wouldn't open again._

_ She hated the tears that fell from her eyes because they made her weak. She didn't want to be weak. Making a decision, she stood and hurried for the phone. Her father had taught her to call 911 before he had disappeared. With shaking hands, she dialled the numbers-_

_**"Meredith," **__said__a familiar voice, calling her name._

_ She looked to the phone, but it was gone from her hands. And then the world around her changed as she opened her eyes._

_ The glow from the moon through the window gave off just enough light for her to recognize her bedroom. Her husband's arms were wrapped tightly around her middle and his face was pressed into the back of her neck._

_ "Meredith," he said again, his voice gruff with sleep._

_ She shuddered as the full effect of the nightmare-that-was-actually-a-memory washed over her. She turned in his arms and pressed her front against his._

_ He loosened his hold on her for her to roll over and then immediately tightened it again when she was still._

_ She snaked her arm over his middle to hold herself against him. "Derek," she breathed. She hated the way her chest hitched against his and her eyes stung. It made her feel weak._

_ "I'm here," he comforted, rubbing her back. He didn't ask what the dream had been about; he already knew. She had it more nights than she didn't have it now._

_ She closed her eyes. "She wanted to die," she whispered, ashamed. "And I almost let her."_

_ "You were a child," he reminded. "You did everything you could. You saved her."_

_ "He did that to her. He made her want to die."_

_ "I'm so sorry."_

"Are the dreams always the same?" Wyatt asked carefully, pulling her from the memory.

She shrugged. "Mostly. I wake up at different points, but the dream itself is the same."

"What do you think makes you wake up at different points?"

"Mostly Derek. He wakes me sometimes when he feels me shaking. Other times I usually wake up on my own when they won't let me see her when we get to the hospital." After the paramedics hadarrived, they had taken Ellis and Meredith to Mercy West. The doctors had immediately kept Meredith away from her mother and left her alone in the doctor's lounge. She could remember screaming for her mother as she was pulled away.

"You don't have the nightmare every night."

"That's right." At first it had been once a week, then twice. Now it was more, but still not all the time.

"What do you think triggers it?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

Wyatt paused for a moment before giving Meredith the push she knew was coming. "I think you do."

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I was mad at the Chief that day. I know that's what triggered it then. And I've been mad at him a lot lately, so that's probably why."

_The moment she'd set foot on the surgical floor that morning, the Chief had paged her to his office and asked where her Date and Tell form was._

_ "Uh, I didn't fill it out."_

_ "It's mandatory." He lifted a blank form without getting up from his desk and held it out to her, his gaze demanding she step forward and take the form to fill out._

_ "I'm not comfortable filling one out," she told him, standing her ground from across the room. She would not let him win this. She would not show him weakness._

_ Richard huffed and glared towards her. "Don't argue, Grey. Take the form – and take one for your husband – and get them both back to me by lunch time."_

_ The use of her maiden name – despite the fact that it was clearly a slip of the tongue and not intentional – enraged her. She felt her hands curl into fists. She opened her mouth, prepared to spill all the deep, dark thoughts she had about the man. And then her pager had gone off. 911 to the pit. She'd excused herself and run. _

"Has the anger gotten better since we started to discuss it?"

She shook her head. "It's gotten worse."

"Do you know why you're so angry at him?"

Wyatt had asked the question before, several times, but Meredith had always avoided giving a straight answer. _I don't know. He hurt my mother. He's an ass._ "I'm letting my feelings towards him control me at work."

Wyatt sat forward, surprised by the direct response. "And what are your feelings towards him?"

She shrugged. "Anger."

The therapist cracked a smile. "Other than anger, I mean. What do you think is causing the anger?"

She closed her eyes. Wyatt stayed silent, allowing her time to think. "I'm angry at him because he has too much control over my life. He's done bad things to me. He's hurt me. I hate him for being able to hurt me."

"That's an interesting statement. You hate him for _being able_ to hurt you."

Meredith nodded. "He shouldn't be able to hurt me."

"Do you think you're letting him hurt you?"

"I'm trying not to. But it's hard. I can't help but think of all the things he's done to me. I may be able to protect myself from him now, but I couldn't before."

"Do you think he's gone out of his way to hurt you? Or do you think he's hurt you by accident?"

"I guess... I don't think he's done it on purpose, but it's definitely not been by accident, either. It wasn't an accident that he treated me like crap for weeks after I got married, or that he's treated Derek like crap several times because he feels protective of me."

"That's interesting."

"What?"

"You think he feels protective of you?"

She nodded. "He told me he promised my mother he'd look out for me the day she died."

"So, a lot of his behaviours towards you are a result of him trying to look out for you."

"I don't need or want him to look out for me."

Wyatt nodded. "But he's not doing these things to hurt you. He's not going out of his way with the intention to hurt you."

"No, I guess not."

"So, he's doing purposeful things, but with the intention to help, not to hurt."

"I guess."

"That kind of makes him sound human to me."

Meredith sighed. "Sometimes I wish he was less human. Then I'd feel better about hating him."

Wyatt smiled at the statement. "I appreciate your honesty."

"I know it's not always rational to hate him," she acknowledged. "Trust me, I know that. But I can't help it. He deserves it."

"And why does he deserve it?"

"Because he made my mother want to die." She'd said the same thing to Derek just days earlier, but the shock of verbalizing the words still brought tears to her eyes. She hated crying, but this was far from the first time she had cried within the four walls of this office. She ignored the tears on her cheeks and met Wyatt's eyes, as if challenging the woman to argue.

"That was a long time ago," Wyatt reminded.

She nodded, knowing what the therapist was doing. "I know. But that doesn't matter. Your psych trick usually works, but not in this situation. I can remind myself of the reality as much as I want, but it doesn't change the fact that I hate him. I hate him and I'm angry at him and I...I..."

"You what?"

"I want to hurt him," she admitted.

"Physically?"

"No. Just... Sometimes, when the anger is overwhelming, I want to make him feel as bad as he's made me feel. I want to..."

"Give him a taste of his own medicine?"

She sniffed. "Yeah, I guess." Because of his history with her mother, she knew things about him that he wouldn't want the hospital to know. Not only did she have the power to hurt him with her knowledge, but she had the power to change the hospital staff's perception of him.

"He's a man who made a mistake."

"That doesn't matter. He destroyed her. She was extraordinary. And he made her want to die. He made her try to kill herself."

"You say he made her want to die, but she didn't."

"Not for lack of trying."

"Do you really think she tried?"

Meredith scoffed. "Of course she did. I was there. I watched her slit her wrists and sat in her pool of blood. She was extraordinary, and he crushed her."

Wyatt leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, and met Meredith's eyes evenly. "Meredith, I'm not sure your mother wanted to kill herself."

"So, you think she slit her wrists for kicks?"

"No, but I don't think her intent was death."

"How can you say that?"

"Think about it."

"But-"

"Think about it, Meredith," Wyatt repeated. "This is something you need to work out for yourself."

000

Frustrated with Wyatt's vague instructions, Meredith left her therapy session feeling uninspired. Other than some realizations about her interactions with her friends and half-sister, she hadn't felt like she'd accomplished much in the last few weeks. The therapy was draining, and though she knew Wyatt had gradually been building her up to something, she felt discouraged. Wyatt seemed to think she had all the tools she needed to figure out what he mother had been thinking all those years ago, but Meredith felt like she was grasping at straws. All she could think about was the determined look on Ellis's face when she'd pulled the scalpel from her pocket.

She went to the Resident's Lounge and changed out of her scrubs before traveling the familiar path to her husband's office.

"Hey," he greeted warmly as she let herself in. "You're early today."

She shrugged as she came to a stop across the desk from him, not sitting in the spare chair as she usually did. "Apparently my mother didn't actually want to die when she slit her wrists and I have all the tools I need to figure out what that means." She rolled her eyes. "I guess another ten minutes of talking it through wasn't going to make me figure it out any faster."

He smiled sadly at her. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Tell me I'm doing the right thing sticking with therapy?"

He stood and stepped around the desk to meet her. One hand found her hip while the other reached up to cup her cheek. "I think you're doing the right thing, Mer," he told her. "I know this is hard, but I know you trust Wyatt. I'm sure she's leading you somewhere better." He ran his hand along her cheek and then through her hair, combing through the strands with his fingers.

She hooked her fingers around the collar of his top and pulled him down to press her forehead against his. "I just want it to stop."

"What's it?" He asked, stilling his hand against her back, fingers still tangled in her hair.

"The dreams, the anger, the memories."

"You dredged up your past," he told her, repeating the words she'd told him. Words she'd repeated from Wyatt.

"Yeah. And I was okay with that for a while, but it's been weeks now, Derek. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on."

"I'll always be here to hold onto you," he told her, sliding his hand from her hip to the base of her spine and pulling her closer to him, as if to back up his words. "You're not holding on alone anymore."

She smiled, her forehead still pressed to his. "I know that, Derek. And trust me; I'm so grateful for that. I wouldn't have made it this far without you."

He pulled away and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and then to her lips. "Yes, you would have. You're so strong, Mer. So strong and so extraordinary."

Fingers still clutching to his top, she tugged him down to kiss him again. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Any time." He offered her a bright smile. "Do you have anything else to do here?"

She shook her head. "No. I just want to go home."

"Okay," he said easily. "Then let's go home."

He donned his jacket from the hook near the door and guided her out of his office with a hand on her lower back.

"Do you need comfort food for dinner tonight?" He asked as they approached the elevator. "We could order pizza?"

"Wow, I must really look upset for you to be freely offering pizza without me even having to bring it up."

He laughed as he pressed the elevator call button. "I'm just trying to be a good husband."

"You are an excellent husband," she told him.

"Mmm," he said, leaning down for a quick kiss, "Does that mean you don't need pizza?"

"No, I definitely need the pizza."

They were both laughing as the elevator doors opened, but the upbeat mood immediately fell away at the sight of the man on the elevator.

"Meredith, Derek. I've been trying to find you two all day," Richard said. He had to blank date and tell forms in his hands.

"Richard," Derek greeted neutrally as they stepped onto the elevator. "We're just on our way home. Shifts ended an hour ago."

"No worry. This will only take a moment." He held out the forms, ignoring Derek's comment about their shifts being over. "I need you two to complete these."

Derek hesitated, but did not accept the offered forms. He rested his hand on Meredith's back in a gesture she knew was supposed to offer comfort. "Sorry, Chief, but we're not going to complete those forms. It's an invasion of privacy."

"They're mandatory," he said flatly, still holding them out.

"Did you fill one out?" Meredith heard herself say before she'd thought through the words. She couldn't have helped the accusatory tone if she'd tried.

"Excuse me?" Richard asked, taken aback by her forcefulness.

Derek rubbed her back, trying to calm her.

"I asked you if you filled on out," she repeated evenly.

"I don't need to fill one out."

"You had a sexual relationship with my mother," she reminded, not that any of the three of them needed a reminder.

"That was in the past."

She shook her head. "That doesn't matter. You made Cristina fill one out when Burke hasn't worked here for more than half a year."

"This is not up for debate," Richard said angrily. "You don't get to question what I do or do not do."

She scoffed before she could help it.

"Dr. Grey," he threatened.

"It's Dr. Grey-_Shepherd_," she said shortly.

He stammered for a moment, caught by surprise at her correction. His slip clearly hadn't been intentional. "Dr. Grey-Shepherd," he started again. "You will complete this form. It's mandatory for every member of the hospital staff."

"Except you, apparently. Tell you what, _Chief_," she said, "If you fill out a form – correctly – I'll consider it."

"Meredith, might I remind you that I'm your Chief of Surgery. You don't get to give me demands. Show some respect."

She seethed at his words. Like she could ever forget he was her Chief of Surgery. "I respect those who deserve it," she said quietly. She was successfully resisting the urge to scream at the man before her, but she couldn't help but remain engaged in the conversation. And her ability to inhibit her words was at an all time low.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Do you have any idea what you did to her? Do you even care?"

He faltered at her words. Though Ellis Grey's name hadn't come up between them in some time, there was no doubt she was who Meredith was referring to now.

The elevator doors opened on the ground floor. Derek reached for her hand and squeezed before addressing Richard. "We won't be completing those forms," he said evenly. "If you make an issue of it, we'll get our lawyer involved. And if we have to get our lawyer involved we'll make sure he's aware that you aren't following your own rule." With a nod to his boss, he tugged Meredith out of the elevator and through the lobby.

She stayed silent, allowing herself to be led away from the building that made her feel like she couldn't breathe. The rush of oxygen down her trachea the moment she stepped outside calmed her immediately. She gulped down breath after breath of clear air and got almost all the way to the car before she faltered. Her breath caught in her throat and she struggled suddenly to keep breathing. A sob escaped from somewhere deep down inside her. And then she was crying.

Derek's arms were around her in a heartbeat.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she found herself telling him. She hated being like this. She hated crying. And she hated feeling so weak and so vulnerable. "I shouldn't have said those things. He's my boss. I should have kept my mouth shut. But I can't, Derek. I can't. I can't. I-"

"Shh," he quieted her. "It's okay, Mer. I thought you actually did a good job keeping calm. She wasn't my mother, but there's a ton of other things I'd like to say to him."

She sniffed. "Thank you."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her shoulder. "You can't keep going on like this, Mer. This isn't good for you." He hesitated. "I'm worried."

"I'm worried, too." She felt her body shudder as she struggled not to cry anymore. "No matter what I tell myself, and the number of times I remind myself he's my boss, he made my mother want to die. And I can't get past that. She was extraordinary. And he made her want to die. How am I supposed to get past that?"

"I don't know," he whispered. "But we're going to figure this out together."

She managed a full breath in and out. She closed her eyes and leaned into him. "Derek," she whispered. In this moment, she was pretty sure he was keeping her standing, both physically and metaphorically. She had no idea what she'd do without him.

He pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "I'm here, Mere. I'll always be here. We're going to get through this."

000

The following day didn't start any better than the previous.

Meredith flinched at the familiar tightness in her chest that occurred the moment she stepped into the lobby. It seemed every day the physical effect of walking into the hospital was stronger. Derek had been paged in early for an emergency, so she was on her own that morning. The path to the Residents' Lounge was quiet and – thankfully – free of Richard Webber. She knew she'd have to see him again soon, but she had no idea how she was going to deal with the situation. Not only was she still seething from her conversation with Richard the day before, but she'd had her nightmare – twice – the night before, so she was exhausted on top of everything else. All she'd wanted to do that morning when her alarm went off was to burrow back under the covers and pretend she didn't have a job to do.

And that wasn't fair. Because she loved her job. She loved being a surgeon and saving lives. She shouldn't feel such an aversion to the hospital because of one man. It wasn't fair.

Izzie was sitting on the bench by the cubbies, her head in her hands, when Meredith walked in.

"Meredith," she said, sitting upright.

"You okay?" Meredith asked as she stumbled over to her cubby and pulled out a fresh set of scrubs.

"No."

"What's wrong?" She didn't like the tone of Izzie's voice. "Is it Cristina?"

"No, it's Alex and Rebecca. She's not pregnant."

Meredith felt her brow furrow. "She's _not_ pregnant? And this is a bad thing?"

Izzie sighed. "That's the thing I couldn't tell you before. She told Alex she was pregnant, which was why she was moving in with him. But she also came to the clinic and I did a blood test and she's not pregnant."

"Is she trying to trick him?" Meredith asked, concerned for her friend.

"That's what I thought. But now... She really thought she was pregnant, Meredith. Sloan thinks she has Acute Stress Disorder from her accident and plastic surgery. I kept telling her she wasn't pregnant, but she wouldn't believe me. And then Alex told her, and she thinks she had a miscarriage. Sloan told me to get a psych consult, but Alex refused and took her home. I'm worried, Meredith, really worried."

"Where is Alex?"

"He's home with her. I think he's afraid to leave her alone. He asked me to watch his patients today. But Meredith...there's something very wrong. She's just...out of it. And he has to dress her and clean her and feed her. This morning in the kitchen he made her breakfast and had to literally put the fork in her hand. And then he was all 'take a bite, take a bite, take a bite.' It's weird. She needs help."

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. This was worse than she'd expected. She had thought Izzie was just upset days earlier because Alex was moving too fast in his relationship. "Okay. Okay, we can figure this out. What does Alex think?"

"He says she's fine. But she's not fine, Meredith."

"Okay."

"Stop saying okay!" Izzie cried.

"I don't know what else to say!" She cried back. She had no idea how to handle this situation.

Izzie cringed. "Sorry. I'm sorry." He eyes welled, but she didn't cry. "I'm just at the end of my rope, Meredith. I don't know what else to do."

"We'll figure it out together," she found herself saying. It always made her feel better when Derek said it, even when she knew he didn't hand an answer for her as to how they were going to fix _it_. "Where's George? Is he home today?"

Izzie shook her head. "No, he's working. And you know how Alex is with him. He's not going to accept any help from George. I got George to try to say something to him, but Alex shot him down immediately, and now George is refusing to try again."

"Okay, what's your schedule like today?"

"I'm going to try to stay out of surgery. I want to stay in contact with Alex."

"I'm scheduled in surgery this morning and this afternoon. You stay in touch. I'll go check on them between surgeries. And tonight maybe we can all go and talk to him after our shifts?"

Izzie released a breath filled with stress. "Thank you, Meredith. Thank you. I can't do this all by myself."

She nodded. "Trust me, Iz, I understand."

000

Her morning surgery hit some complications, which had Bailey page the Chief in. She had tried to make an excuse to get out of the surgery, but Bailey had glared at her over the patient in the way only Bailey could, and Meredith knew she couldn't leave. When Richard arrived, his gaze caught hers for a fraction of a second, and then he looked away and focussed on the patient. He didn't say a single word to Meredith the entire surgery.

He left Bailey and Meredith to close and was long gone from the scrub room before Meredith had to scrub out. She released a breath of relief. Maybe she had another day to figure out what she'd do when she had to speak with the Chief.

However, as if he was reading her mind, she was paged to his office the moment her hands were clean and dry. She debated ignoring the page, but knew that would only make the situation worse.

The walk to his office felt longer than ever before, and when she finally reached it, her chest burned with tension.

"Close the door, Meredith," he said as she stepped in the door. She did so. He motioned for her to sit across from him at the desk. She did so, as well.

"Meredith, what happened yesterday shouldn't have happened."

"No, it shouldn't have," she agreed, "But a lot of things that happened should never have happened."

He sighed. "I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm not. I'm a good man, Meredith."

She met his eyes evenly and shook her head. "Not to my mother you weren't. She was extraordinary and you destroyed her. She deserved better."

"Your mother was a special person, but it wouldn't have worked for us. I did what was best-"

"You did what was easy," she cut in.

"I couldn't have made her happy."

"You didn't even try."

"Meredith-"

"No. You made her-" She couldn't say the words to him. "You destroyed her. And you did it with only yourself in mind. She didn't mean anything to you. You took the easy way out."

"I did not-"

"You did," she insisted. "You trapped her at the park that day. You knew if you left her there she couldn't go after you because I was there. Just like you're trapping me now. I can't say what I really want to say to you because you're my boss." She crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

"You're right. I am your boss," he stated, voice raised and in that authoritative tone of his that made her blood boil. "Which means you are going to have to figure out how to get along with me, or you're going to have to find a new job."

She took a breath. His words were not unexpected. "Are we done?"

He looked surprised, but then covered quickly for it. "Let me know what your answer is."

She stood and left silently. Like there was anything to think about. He was just trying to intimidate her into submission. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Despite how difficult she found being in the hospital and working under Richard Webber, she would never give him the satisfaction of leaving. Because that would be letting him win.

The hospital air was suffocating her once more. She glanced at her watch and saw she had an hour before she was expected back in surgery with Bailey; just enough time to drive to her old house to check on Alex and Rebecca and get back in time to grab something to eat and report to surgery.

She cranked the music and allowed herself to cry and rant and yell all the things she wanted to say to Richard Webber on her way to the house. She was so worked up when she got there she actually had to sit in the driveway for three entire minutes, just breathing, before she took off her seatbelt and got out of the car.

No one answered the door when she knocked. She tried the knob, which turned easily.

"Hello?" She called. "Alex? Rebecca?"

No one called back.

"It's Meredith," she announced.

Still, no answer.

She closed the door behind herself and stepped into the front hall. The house was quiet. She walked into the living room and glanced around. It struck her that she hadn't been back here since she and Derek moved out. Nothing seemed much different from before, but the tightness that plagued her chest at the hospital seemed to have followed her here. _Too many memories_.

"Alex?" She called again.

Nothing.

She pushed through the door to the kitchen, hoping to find them eating a late lunch. The sight that met her, though, was completely unexpected.

Her heart clenched and her chest felt like it was falling through her abdomen. The world around her spun, and she felt herself falter. She reached for something – anything – to steady herself, but found nothing. The world toppled and she found herself on her knees, staring at the horrific sight.

Blood.

There was blood. All over the kitchen floor. Just like before.

A small part of her asked if she was hallucinating, but she was already too far gone to be certain of anything. She'd dredged up her past and suffered worsening nightmares for weeks now. She'd been careening towards rock bottom for days and she'd let herself get worked up in the car on the way over to the house. It would have taken only a nudge to push her over the edge, let alone the shove that did it now.

Blood. Her mother's blood. All over the kitchen floor; bright red mixing with the rich brown of the hardwood floor.

She crawled forward, unable to stay away. She had to know for sure that this was real. She reached a shaking hand and touched it.

It was cold; a direct contradiction to the last time there had been blood on this floor. If she was hallucinating, was reliving the day her mother had wanted to die, why would the blood be cold? It had been warm the last time. Sticky and warm. She had watched it drain from her mother's wrists and travel towards herself. She had felt it soak into her clothes. She had watched the life drain from Ellis's eyes.

Her chest hitched as she struggled to draw oxygen. She was right on the verge of a full blown panic attack and there was nothing she could do but wait for it to recede.

She managed to crawl away from the blood and sit back against the wall. She pulled her knees into her chest and closed her eyes. Her chest closed up and she wasn't able to breathe. Her body trembled as she struggled to stay conscious. Her throat screamed in pain. Her head throbbed. Visions of her mother lying on the floor and the scalpel and the blood played behind her eyelids on repeat.

She felt dizzy. The world spun around her. The only thing keeping her upright at all was the wall behind her back.

All she could see was pools of red, so she closed her eyes. But she even with her eyes closed all she could see was blood. And she couldn't shut out the smell.

She couldn't do this again. She'd been so close to this spot the last time.

Her cheat heaved as her diaphragm tried unsuccessfully to expand her lungs; tried to draw a breath.

She flashed back to the last time she hadn't been able to draw a breath. She'd been underwater. She'd fought the urge not to breathe in, only to have water invade her lungs and drown her alveoli. She'd been completely at the mercy of the water.

Despite her panic, that realization somehow caught her attention.

She wasn't underwater this time. There was air all around her. She wasn't at the mercy of the environment. She was strong.

She was stronger than this.

She had come too far to let this happen to herself again.

She wouldn't give up; she wouldn't give in to the crushing sensation around her chest. She wasn't a quitter.

The first breath she forced into her lungs was painful and burned from her lips to her lungs. The second wasn't much better. But eventually it became less of a struggle. She just focussed on breathing in and breathing out. She reminded herself she didn't give up. She reminder herself she was strong. It helped. She clutched her left hand in her right and felt her wedding band. She thought of Derek and imagined him there, telling her it would be okay, telling her she could do this. She reminded herself she wasn't alone anymore. She had a husband. She had a family; two, actually. One on the west coast and one on the east.

She breathed.

The world stopped spinning around her.

Her chest finally released. Every breath still burned its way down her throat and through her trachea to her lungs, but she was breathing regularly now. Fast and shallow, but regularly.

She opened her eyes.

The blood was still there.

She closed her eyes.

The blood was still there, too. Different blood, the same blood; she wasn't sure.

She opened her eyes again and stared. This couldn't be happening again. There couldn't be blood on this floor again.

She stumbled to her feet and into the laundry room, knowing it was where Izzie stashed the cleaning supplies. She returned with a bucket and cleaners and sponges.

She had to get rid of the blood.

Falling to her knees again, she pulled out a sponge and started scrubbing.

She had to erase all evidence that this had ever happened.

She didn't know how long she stayed there, crouched over, scrubbing furiously as hot tears fell from her eyes and mixed with the blood. He knees started to protest, but she kept going. Her fingers ached, but she kept going. He back cried out from the position, but she kept going.

She had to keep going. She had to get rid of the blood. This couldn't be happening again.

The sky outside the window began to darken, but she didn't see it. She didn't hear when the rain started to fall outside. She didn't hear when her pager went off – several times. She didn't hear her phone ring.

She didn't hear the front door open. She didn't hear the footsteps that made their way to the kitchen. She didn't hear the kitchen door open.

The first sound that registered was the surprised gasp from behind her, but she didn't turn or stop.

"Meredith?" A familiar voice called. "Meredith, are you okay?"

Footsteps approached her and a hand fell onto her back. She kept scrubbing.

"Meredith, are you hurt? Is this your blood?"

She kept scrubbing. She had to. She couldn't stop.

"Meredith!" The voice was raised now. Hands grasped onto her wrists, stopping her. She struggled, but didn't have the energy to put up much of a fight. "Meredith! Stop!"

She allowed herself to be pulled from the floor. She stumbled blindly. Comforting hands guided her. She found herself sitting on a chair. She noticed she was shaking. Her entire body was trembling. And she was cold.

"Meredith, what the hell happened? Are you okay?"

Eyes stared at her. A concerned face. She blinked.

George.

George had found her.

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Her throat felt raw and dry.

"Stay here," he commanded.

She stayed. Her body was shaking so badly she didn't know if she could move if she tried. She wasn't sure where she'd want to go, anyway.

He returned a moment later and pressed something cold into her hand. "Drink," he said.

She stared at her hand. A glass of water. She lifted it to her lips and took a sip. Then another sip. And another. She downed the rest of the glass quickly. The cold water hit her empty stomach violently.

And then she was retching.

George pulled the garbage can close just in time and rubbed her back while she threw up. When she was done, he moved the can away and offered her a half glass of water. "Slow sips this time."

She took a single sip and stopped. He left her side and returned with a damp towel. "There's blood all over you," he said, wiping her forearms clean. "Is it yours?"

She shook her head.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"Whose is it?"

"My mother's," she whispered.

"What?"

She said nothing. It wasn't like she could explain how her mother's blood had returned to the kitchen floor all those years later.

He knelt down in front of her. "Meredith, please. I need you to concentrate for a moment."

She met his eyes. He looked so worried for her. She would try to push away the fog that seemed to have fallen in her mind.

"Are you hurt?"

It was a loaded question. Of course she was hurt. Her knees, back and hands ached. Her throat and lungs burned. Her head throbbed. Her emotions were so high that her mind felt completely fried to the point where she could barely form coherent thoughts. But that wasn't what he meant. "No."

"Do I...do I need to call the police?"

She blinked at him, confused.

"Meredith, there's blood on the floor. A lot of blood. I don't know if... Is someone hurt?"

She looked around him to what was left of the blood. She hadn't done much more than move it around. "You can see the blood," she said, the fog slowly clearing.

He nodded. "Yes, I can."

"My mother died. Almost a year ago. It can't be her blood."

George nodded. "That's right. Do you know whose it is?"

She shook her head. Reality was starting to push its way into her mind. "I found it. I came to check on Alex and Rebecca. Izzie and I made a deal. It was here. I...I don't know whose it is."

"Izzie knows you were coming here?"

She nodded.

"Okay. I'm going to call her." He sat beside her in another chair. She waited while he placed his call. He said words into the phone, but she couldn't find the energy to make sense of them. She closed her eyes. "Meredith," he eventually said, drawing her attention. She opened her eyes.

"George," she said.

He met her gaze. "I talked to Izzie. Rebecca cut herself. It's her blood. Alex took her to the hospital. She's going to be okay."

"Rebecca's blood." She took a breath. Not her mother's blood. Not a hallucination. A simple explanation. Everything was okay.

He nodded. "Izzie thinks she slit her wrists."

The world teetered at his words. Okay, not a simple explanation. "She shouldn't have done that. People shouldn't do that."

He looked at her strangely, but nodded. "You're right. How about I get you to the hospital? We can find Derek."

"Derek..." She whispered.

"Yes, Derek," he repeated, standing up and reaching a hand to her. "Because I really think you need him right now. Come on, I'll drive."

She stood, but caught sight of the blood. "No. I need to clean first."

"It's okay. I'll come back and clean it."

She hesitated. "It can't stay there. It can't." Had she had any energy to spare, she would have felt embarrassed at the tears that welled in her eyes.

"I'll come back," he promised. "As soon as I know you and Rebecca are alright."

She stared at the blood. The kitchen floor. The memories. The helplessness. The words from her mother.

_Be extraordinary._

"Meredith?" He prompted.

"Okay," she agreed.

He led her from the room and out the front door. She let him without protest. It was raining outside. She stood for several moments, watching the water wash the remaining blood from her arms. Eventually George prompted her into the passenger seat of his car.

He said things on the way to the hospital, but she couldn't make much sense of them. All she could think was that he was a good friend for letting her sit in his car soaking wet from the rain and with remnants of Rebecca's blood on her clothes. She wanted to thank him for that, but she couldn't find the words.

He parked and they walked through the rain together into the hospital.

"Do you have a change of clothes in your cubby?" He asked.

"I...think so."

"Okay. We'll go there first." He led her up the elevator and towards the Residents' Lounge. The moment the door shut behind them, it swung open so hard it bounced against the wall. She flinched.

"Meredith Grey-Shepherd!" Bailey's angry tone shouted into the room. "Where the hell have you been? You were supposed to be in my OR hours ago. I paged you a dozen times..." She trailed off as Meredith turned to face her.

"I..." She began, but found no words. Her schedule for the day slowly came back to her. Derek had been paged early. He'd kissed her goodbye before he'd left. She woken again to her alarm later and struggled through getting ready for the day. She'd been in surgery that morning with Bailey and the Chief. She talked to the Chief; they'd argued. She'd gone to check on Alex and Rebecca. She'd only had an hour. She didn't know how much time had gone by. Considering it had gotten dark, she'd missed her surgery by a very long time.

"What's wrong with her?" Bailey demanded.

"I don't know," George said. "I found her scrubbing blood off the kitchen floor at home. She didn't even hear me at first."

"Grey, sit," she demanded before turning to George. "Whose blood?"

Meredith sat onto the bench by her cubby and listened as George explained the situation to Bailey. She managed to numbly follow most of their conversation as she realized how stupid she'd been.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey," Meredith tried to apologize when the talking had stopped. "I lost track of time."

"I'm much more concerned with your wellbeing at the moment." She crouched in front of her, eyes narrowed. "What happened?"

"I went to check on Alex and Rebecca because Izzie was worried. There was blood."

"Why didn't you call for help?"

She shrugged. "I had to get rid of the blood."

"Grey-"

"It couldn't stay there. Not again."

"Again?"

She fell silent. Ellis hadn't wanted anyone to know.

"When I first asked her, she said it was her mother's blood," George explained quietly. He and Bailey exchanged a glance.

"Go and find Shepherd," she demanded. "And O'Malley, keep this quiet."

"Of course. Mer, I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay," she answered.

Bailey sighed once it was just the two of them in the room. "Grey, are you okay?"

She shrugged. "I think so. I lost track of time."

"I'm concerned about what made you lose track of time."

"There was blood."

"You said that. But you're a surgeon, so why would blood bother you?"

"It shouldn't be there."

"Has it been there before?"

"Yes."

Bailey sighed, but didn't ask any further questions. She disappeared from Meredith's view for a moment, before returning and pushing a towel into Meredith's hands. "Grey, go have a shower, warm up and wash off the rest of the blood."

Meredith took the towel, surprised to find herself shivering. When had that started? Probably sometime after she'd stood in the rain and before getting in George's car. Meredith stood and dutifully walked towards the women's showers. She left the blood soaked clothes by the wall and stood under the spray for several long moments. The remaining fog in her mind cleared away with the blood. She'd massively overreacted to the situation. Reality and embarrassment started to settle in.

Bailey passed her fresh clothes, which she pulled on as soon as she was dry.

George was waiting for her the moment she stepped back into the lounge. "Derek's in surgery," he explained, "But I'll make sure I get him as soon as he's finished."

"It's okay," she told him. "I'm okay now. It was stupid that I reacted like that. How is Rebecca?"

"She'll be fine. Izzie's getting her a psych consult."

"They won't let her go back home?"

"No."

"Good." She sat on the bench. She knew Bailey and George were exchanging a glance above her head, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She was too tired to care.

The door opened. She looked up and flinched when she saw who it was. Of all the people she most didn't need to deal with right now, he was definitely at the top of the list.

"Dr. Grey-Shepherd," Richard said her name angrily. "You do not get to pick and choose which surgeries you show up for. Unless that's your way of answering my earlier question."

"Dr. Webber," Bailey tried, "It seems there was a good reason."

"I'm sure she thinks so."

"Chief," she tried again, but he waved his hand to stop her.

"You two get out. Meredith and I are going to have a little chat."

"Chief, really-"

"Now, Dr. Bailey."

Meredith sat quietly as George and Bailey left the room.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" He demanded.

"I lost track of time."

"You weren't even on site. You ignored pages and phone calls. What in the world was so important?" He didn't give her a chance to answer. "The lack of responsibility and judgement that you showed today makes me question your readiness to be a surgeon. That along with the way you've been acting-"

"My mother tried to kill herself after you left her. Did you know that?" She hadn't meant to ask him, to say anything at all about Ellis's suicide attempt, but the words slipped out unbidden. Her ability to filter was just gone.

His expression immediately transformed from one of anger to one of shock. "I didn't know that," he told her. His tone was earnest, giving her no doubt this was the very first he was hearing of it.

"I have a lot of reasons to be mad at you. You've abused your power and treated both me and my husband badly for a lot of things," she said neutrally. After the day she'd had, all desire to yell was gone. She was just...broken. She'd reached rock bottom. "But you seem to be trying to change, so I could let those things go. But you made my mother want to die. And that I can't let go."

Silence reigned for several moments. He sat on a bench across from her. "I didn't know, Meredith." All the fight was gone from his voice, too.

"She slit her wrists in front of me on the kitchen floor. Today I went to check on Alex and found blood all over the kitchen floor. That's why I wasn't here for my surgery. I think...I think I had a panic attack."

"Oh, Meredith. I heard about Rebecca Pope. I'm sorry."

"I don't want to hear your apologies. You made my mother want to die. And there's nothing that can make that go away." Her heart ached in her chest. She just wanted to go home and lie down and have the day be over. She was _so_ tired.

"I...don't know what to say."

She sniffed. "She was a brilliant surgeon. And you destroyed her. How could you do that to her? She deserved so much better. She was a talented, gifted, extraordinary surgeon," she said.

"I didn't know, Meredith. If I'd known..." He trailed of, but Meredith didn't even notice.

Her attention was still on her own words. Her mother had been an incredible surgeon; smart, focused, determined. Ellis Grey did not know failure. At anything. Slitting her wrists didn't make sense. Not the way she'd done it. If she'd really wanted to die, she would have gone for the carotid artery. It was much faster and much more efficient.

_If she'd really wanted to die..._

Realization washed over her. Everything Wyatt had been working her towards suddenly made so much sense. Her mother hadn't wanted to die. Not really. She just hadn't wanted to keep living the way she was. Maybe Meredith had had to stop fighting to understand it, but it was there now. The knowledge. Ellis Grey didn't fail at anything. She hadn't meant to kill herself all those years ago. If she had, she would have dies decades before she actually had.

She looked up at the Chief, who was looking at her in concern. "She was a brilliant surgeon," Meredith whispered.

"She was," he agreed. "Meredith, I'm sorry about everything that happened with your mother. I never meant to be that guy. I was young. I thought I was doing the right thing."

She knew he was talking, but she wasn't hearing him. She stood. "I have to go."

"Meredith-"

"It's important, Chief." She hurried out of the room and down the familiar path that took her to her therapist's office. She knocked and let herself in when she heard Wyatt call out, 'come in.'

Wyatt looked up from her desk. Her expression said she knew Meredith had had a breakthrough. "Tell me," she prompted.

"She was a surgeon," Meredith said. "A very talented surgeon. If she'd really been trying to kill herself, she wouldn't have slit her wrists. She knew better. She would have cut her carotid artery. She didn't want to die." She released a breath she was pretty sure she'd been holding since that first day on the kitchen floor. "She didn't really want to die," she repeated.

"What did she want?"

"She wanted Richard to come back to her."

"And why didn't he come back?"

"Well, because he never knew about it. And she never asked. And there was probably a reason they weren't together." Her mouth was working as fast as her mind as clarity started to settle.

"And what does that mean?"

She hesitated. "I...I'm not sure."

"Puzzle it out. Don't think of this whole thing as some epic story of Richard Webber wronging your mother. Try and see it as an outsider."

Meredith pursed her lips as she thought. "They were both married and had an affair."

Wyatt nodded encouragingly.

"And they decided to leave their spouses and be together."

"Keep going."

"She went through with it, but he didn't. Which means...he probably would have had doubts before they agreed to leave their spouses."

"Good."

"So...he probably didn't make her leave Thatcher. And Ellis Grey would never have taken an order like that, anyway. He wouldn't have wanted her to be on her own. He cared enough to want her to be happy."

"Just not enough to sacrifice his own happiness."

Meredith nodded. She collapsed onto the couch across from Wyatt. "He cared, just not enough to leave Adele. Which means he didn't make her leave Thatcher. She didn't take orders from anyone. She probably left Thatcher and told him to leave Adele, only he didn't go through with it."

Wyatt nodded. "It looks different when you're not the daughter who got caught in the middle."

"He didn't mean for her or I to get hurt," she continued, the whole story suddenly changing in her head as she saw it in a new light. "He was an ass for having an affair, but that's...all. Because in the end, he chose his wife, the woman he had committed himself to."

"Right. Because what is he?"

Meredith shook her head. "I don't know."

"You do. I said it in our last session. What is Richard Webber?"

Meredith thought back before realization washed over her. "Human."

Wyatt smiled. "That's right." She got up and moved behind Meredith to close the door, giving them some privacy. She returned to Meredith's view and sat again. "He's human. He made a mistake. A mistake that ended up hurting you dearly, but a mistake all the same. He didn't mean for you to suffer like you did."

"He's the bad guy to me, but he's not a bad guy."

"I think you're right."

She ran a hand through her hair. "Why didn't you just tell me this from the beginning?"

Wyatt smiled. "You had to be ready to understand it. Care to tell me how this realization came about?"

Meredith told her about Rebecca and the blood. She explained her reaction to the situation and George bringing her back to the hospital. She told her about her conversations with the Chief over the past two days.

"Do you still feel so strongly about him?"

"No," she said honestly. "He still hurt my mother, but she loved him. He didn't set out to do the damage he did. He made a mistake. Because he's human."

"And do you know who else was human?"

"Who?"

Wyatt smiled encouragingly. "Your mother."

"My mother?"

"She put herself on a pedestal for you growing up and made sure you never felt good enough for her. She told you that you were a waste of space and you believed her. She made you think of her as someone larger than life. She made you struggle every day to live up to her expectations. And she made you feel like a failure every time you couldn't be what she wanted you to think you should be."

"She made me look for role models and fall apart when I couldn't live up."

"Exactly. But, Meredith, and this is very important, your mother was just a regular person. She may have been a surgical god, but she was just a person. She was human. She had the same doubts and fears and emotions as you or I. She probably set out to make herself superior to you after she slit her wrists in front of you."

"She did something stupid and felt weak," Meredith said, making it make sense for herself. "She hated weakness, so she made herself look strong to me. And all the while, she was sad and lonely because she lost the man she loved."

"It looks different now, doesn't it?"

Meredith nodded. "Her words to me. 'Be extraordinary.' She said that at her lowest, when her guard was down."

"Yes, she did. What do you think that meant?"

"Be extraordinary," she said to herself. Her mother had lain their on the floor in a pool of her own blood and stared at Meredith as she'd said the words. She hadn't really wanted to die. She'd wanted the love of her life to come back to her, but she hadn't been able to fight for him. She'd wanted to be stronger. "She wasn't talking about surgery," she whispered the sudden knowledge. Ellis had done what she'd done when her personal life fell apart. It had nothing to do with her professional life. She'd never struggled at the hospital. If surgery had been the only important thing in her life, she'd never have brought the scalpel home.

Meredith flashed back to almost a year and a half ago. After falling in love with a man, she'd been devastated to find out he was married. She'd been angry and she'd pushed him away. But when push came to shove and she saw herself losing him to her, she'd fought. She let down her walls in that scrub room and said a host of horribly embarrassing things that could have crushed her had he said no.

But he hadn't said no. He'd picked her, too. He'd chosen her and loved her.

She'd fought and she'd won.

"She wasn't talking about surgery at all," she said confidently.

"No, she wasn't."

Tears streamed from her eyes, but she made no move to stop them. For the first time in so long, they weren't tears of anguish or pain or frustration or anger. They were tears of relief. Her mother hadn't wanted to die. Her mother had wanted Meredith to be better than her. Her mother was human. And Richard Webber was human. She laughed through her tears. Everything looked so different now. She'd somehow managed to live up to her mother's hope without knowing what it was. Ellis, in her lowest point where her own walls had been down, hadn't wanted Meredith to be an extraordinary surgeon. She'd wanted her daughter to be an extraordinary woman; to fight for happiness. And Meredith had. She'd built herself a family. She'd built herself happiness.

"It all seems so stupid now."

"You were living with blinders on for a long time, Meredith. You did a lot of the work yourself, but this last bit has been something you wouldn't have been able to see without an objective look."

"I can't believe...all this time..."

"It's not easy to realign after you realize something you've believed for so long isn't what you thought."

"No, it's not." She took a deep, easy breath. Her chest no longer tugged or tightened or fought against oxygen.

"How do you feel now?"

"Exhausted," she said honestly. "All I want to do is go home and sleep." She smiled suddenly at the thought.

"What is it?" Wyatt prompted.

"I just realized I won't ever have that nightmare again. The memory changed." She paused. "It can't haunt me anymore."

"And neither can your mother."

"Because she was human."

"Yes."

"I can't believe it's finally over."

Wyatt offered a supportive smile. "You've made an incredible amount of progress today, Meredith. And you've definitely worked through the worst of it, but there's still work to be done," she cautioned.

"You couldn't let me have my moment, could you?" She found herself joking.

Wyatt laughed. "Just reminding you of the-"

"Reality," Meredith finished for her. "I know, I know." She took another freeing breath. "I just feel like it's going to be so much better now."

"It will be. Now that you understand what started you on the track you didn't like, everything will make more sense. Your reactions to certain events will make more sense."

"It all already makes more sense," Meredith said. Why she'd looked for role models. Why she'd fallen apart over some events and not over others. Why she'd feel out of control when she thought her world should be falling apart but nothing had actually changed.

"And we'll talk it all over in your next session. I think you've probably had enough for today."

Meredith nodded, but before she could speak a hurried knock sounded at the door.

Wyatt shot her an apologetic glance, but seeing as Meredith had barged in unscheduled she could hardly be upset for being interrupted. She watched as Wyatt opened approached the door, prepared to make a quick exit if need be.

Wyatt opened the door a crack, as if shielding Meredith from view, but then swung the door open, revealing one very concerned husband.

Derek's anxious expression was overtaken by relief when he spotted her sitting on the couch. He didn't hesitate as he strode across the small room to her, but he did apologize. "I'm sorry," he said, glancing at Wyatt on his way by, but his focus and apology directed at Meredith. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure if I should be here, but...I couldn't not be here," he said, both desperation and relief lacing his words.

She stood and allowed him to pull her into a tight hug.

"Bailey told me what happened and then the Chief said you took off while talking to him. And when you didn't answer your cell and you weren't in my office... This was the only other place I thought you would go. Are you okay?" He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes, but was so worked up that he didn't pause long enough to let her answer. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry, Mer. What happened? Are you...are you okay? Was it the Chief? What did he say to you this time? Do you need me to... What can I do? I can't change him, Mer, or what he did, but you shouldn't have to deal with him. Not after everything. We can move, if you want? Find another hospital. Start fresh. I'll go anywhere."

"Derek-"

"I'm sorry if I shouldn't be here," he said again before she could speak, glancing to Wyatt and then back to Meredith. "I'll go if you want, but I needed to make sure you were okay." Despite his offer to leave, he made no move to release her.

She wrapped her hands around his arms and squeezed, telling him she was okay. "I'm glad you're here," she said. "I'm sorry I scared you, but I needed..." She let out a breath, trying to find the words to explain. Across the room, Wyatt met her eyes, asking a question. Meredith nodded and sat back down on the couch, pulling Derek down with her.

Wyatt shut the door and returned to her chair.

Derek glanced between them, concern still lining his eyes, but calmer now that he knew she was okay.

"I'm okay now," she told him, placing her hand on his thigh, just above his knee, and squeezing.

He immediately wrapped her hand in both of his.

She smiled. "Today...sucked. But I think I needed to have this happen to understand."

"Understand what?"

She felt those tears of relief well in her eyes again. "Everything."

His brow creased at her tears and his jaw tightened. She knew he hated watching her cry. She knew it made him feel like he wasn't enough for her.

She squeezed his hand, trying to communicate to him that for once her tears were good. She met his eyes for a long moment before turning her gaze to her therapist. "Do I need to give you permission for him to be here?"

Wyatt shook her head. "I have it from last time."

Meredith nodded and turned back to Derek. "It wasn't what I thought it was."

"What?"

"My mother's..." She trailed off before she could say _suicide attempt_ because that's not really what it was, was it? "When my mother slit her wrists."

"What was it?"

"A human being making a cry for help. A lonely and sad human being trying to get the love of her life back but not knowing how to do it. And being afraid."

He nodded, following her words and urging her to continue. His eyes showed very little understanding, but were filled with trust she would lead him to an understanding. And love, always love.

With a deep breath, she began to explain, and though she'd expected to need Wyatt to help her explain, she found the words coming more and more easily. Because it all made sense now. It all looked so very much different now.

She cried as she explained – some tears of sadness for the despair she'd once felt, but mostly in relief for the future she now had – but she made no move to stop or wipe away the tears. Derek held her hand and followed her story silently, letting her get everything out.

"And then you showed up at the door," she finished.

He smiled. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you today."

She lifted her free hand to rest at the junction of his neck and shoulder. She squeezed. "You had no way of knowing what would happen today," she soothed first, knowing his impulse would be to blame himself. Second, she allowed herself a proud smile, "Plus, as much as I love you, I'm kind of glad I got to do this by myself. I figured it out, Derek."

"You did." He smiled and she didn't see any self doubt in his eyes. He looked full of pride and love and something else... Adoration, maybe. Or admiration. Wonder. Awe. Joy, for her. Or some combination of them all. "I'm so...happy for you," he said, saying the word 'happy' as if it didn't mean nearly what he wanted it to mean.

She leaned in and pressed her forehead to his. "Everything is different now. Everything _looks_ different."

He shifted, brushing his nose against her affectionately. Then he tilted his head and pressed a kiss to the corner of her lips. He meant for it to be quick and soft, but she met his move and captured his lips with hers. Closing her eyes, she channelled all of her emotions into the kiss and-

The clearing of a throat interrupted. Derek pulled back and shot a sheepish look towards the therapist.

Meredith ran a hand over her face, but couldn't find it in herself to be embarrassed. Not today. Today she earned the right to feel like this. So, she would kiss her husband if she wanted.

"Meredith, you've made exceptional progress, especially today. But I think that's enough for today. My advice is to go home and...celebrate that progress."

Meredith stood and Derek followed her movements. "Thank you, Dr. Wyatt. I know you said I had to figure this out on my own, but I would never have gotten there without you. I...I don't know how to thank you."

"Just promise to be here for your next session."

"I will."

"And on time?"

Meredith smiled. "I'll try." With one last smile, she reached for her husband's hand and tugged him out of the office.

"Is it just me," Derek said when they got out of hearing range, "Or did she just advise us to go home and have sex?"

She laughed out loud. "I think she did."

He squeezed her hand. "Well, doctor's orders."

She bumped his hip with hers. "Soon. First I need to do something."

He nodded. "Here?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to page me when you're done or do you want-"

"I want you to come with me."

"Okay. You lead; I'll be the wingman."

She laughed. "You're good at being my wingman."

"I try."

She stopped for a moment, not caring that they were standing in the middle of the hospital, and despite the late hour it wasn't exactly deserted. It didn't matter if they were overheard. Everything she needed to tell him was the truest thing she knew. And she had to tell him now. "I love you so much, Derek. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and there's no way in hell I would have been able to do all of this without you."

"Mer..." He trailed off, taken aback not only by her words, but by the intensity.

"You made me want to be better," she said softly. "You made me see how much better life could be and you made me want that. You gave me the strength to fight for it."

"Hey," he said softly. "I may be able to take the credit for opening your eyes to some things, but I can't take credit for your strength. That's all you, Mer. That's always been all you. I saw that that very first case we worked together. You never gave up."

"On the patient or on turning you down?"

He laughed out loud, his eyes shining with so much happiness. "Both," he joked back, "Though I knew I'd wear you down eventually."

"You did," she agreed.

He cocked his head. "Any regrets?"

"Not a single one."

"Good. Me neither." He pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Now, let's do this thing you need to do so we can go home and follow Wyatt's advice."

She rolled her eyes, but nodded and led him down the hall to the Chief's office.

The door was ajar, but she still knocked as she walked in, dropping Derek's hand as she did so, knowing he would follow.

Richard looked up from his desk, his expression uncertain. "Meredith," he greeted. He looked to Derek. "You found her."

Derek nodded, but remained silent in his support, allowing her to lead.

"I'm sorry," Richard said before she could organize her thoughts. Knowing what she needed to say didn't immediately translate into how to actually say it.

"I'm sorry about you mother. I didn't know, Meredith. If I'd known..."

"If you'd known, things may have been different, but you didn't know. And that's not on you. That's on her."

Richard looked surprised at her words. She took advantage of the silence to keep going.

"You didn't make her want to die. You've made a lot of mistakes, but that's not one of them. I'm sorry I accused you of that. It wasn't right. I was working through some things, but I realize now that she didn't want to die. She wanted her life to be different. She wanted you back. But she didn't want to die."

He nodded. "Okay."

She took a breath. "You've overstepped your bounds and authority several times."

He went to speak, but she held up a hand.

"But, as I said before, you seem to be trying to change. So, as long as you keep your professional distance, I can let all of that go now." She glanced at her husband before clarifying. "_We_ can let all of that go now."

Richard nodded. "I'm sorry for how I've acted, Meredith. I'm sorry for hurting your mother. I was trying to fix some of the damage I did. I know it's not enough, and I know what I did upset you, but-"

"You don't need to fix the damage. I'm fixing the damage," she told him.

"Okay. I'll keep keeping my distance."

"And I'll let the past go."

He nodded. "I have one thing to show you." He held up a piece of paper. She stepped forward to take it. A date-and-tell form. One with Richard Webber's personal information on it, listing Ellis Grey as a sexual partner two and a half decades earlier. "You were right about this," he told her. "If I expect my staff to follow the rules, I need to follow them as well."

"Thank you," she said quietly as she stared at the form that suddenly didn't seem nearly what it had only days prior. Stupid and invasive, yes, but not cheap and not targeting. Not something she had to cling to avoiding in order to maintain some semblance of control. Not anymore. She'd needed the control – the ability to say no – then, but not now. Things were different now.

She glanced at her husband, who was watching her with a soft, trusting expression on his face, like he was prepared to follow her anywhere. And he really was. Had she walked into this office and given her resignation, he'd have done so without second thought. He'd follow her lead no matter what. Even if it meant putting up a stand against a new policy that didn't really mean much to them only to back down a few days later. He smiled at her and nodded, encouraging.

"Do you have a couple blank copies we could fill out?" She asked.

Richard managed to hide his surprise quickly as he opened a file on his desk and pulled out two copies. "Do you want to fill them out now or get them to me later this week?"

"We'll fill them out now," she said as Derek stepped forward.

They both sat in the visitor's chairs opposite the desk and filled in their own personal information before recording each other's names. Meredith smiled to herself as she scribbled in 'forever' in the 'relationship end date' column, just like Derek had done on his first form (the form he'd torn up for her).

When they were finished, they passed Richard the forms and left the office together. And together they stopped by his office and her locker room. And together they left the hospital.

Meredith made it five steps out of the hospital before she realized she hadn't felt the same moment of relief at leaving that she'd been feeling for weeks. She made it another four steps before she was smiling and nine before she was laughing.

Derek glanced at her, meeting her eyes, an eyebrow raised in question.

She shuffled to a stop, the tug on his hand causing him to stop as well. She glanced over her shoulder at the building before dropping his hand and tuning to face the building. He turned as well, his hand falling against her back and rubbing comforting circles.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

She nodded, eyes still staring up at the hospital. "I am," she whispered back. "I really am."

His hand stilled against her for a moment. Then he stepped closer and wrapped both arms around her waist, pressing his chest up against her back.

She found his hands and threaded her fingers through his as she leaned back in his embrace. She closed her eyes and breathed. "I had this tightness in my chest," she told him. "It's been getting worse and worse every time I stepped foot in the hospital lately. And I thought it had developed over the past two months because I opened myself up in therapy. But now I think it's been there for longer. Since that day..." She trailed off, still not sure what words to use. Because her mother hadn't tried to kill herself; not really. The memory was the same as it had always been, but the connotation was so much different now.

"And now?" Derek asked, urging her forward. Finding the words to describe the memory now wasn't important. Moving on was important.

"And now it's gone," she said simply.

"Gone?"

She nodded, smiling when he shifted to rest his chin on her shoulder and press his cheek to hers.

"I feel...free of it. Everything, my whole past, looks different now." She opened her eyes and stared up at the hospital again. "She wasn't a good mother, but she was human. She didn't set out to do what she did to me. But she got hurt and it...happened. Maybe she didn't have it in her to be different. I always thought she just didn't care. But now I think she did care, she just couldn't change. So she stuck to what she was good at."

"Surgery," Derek supplied.

She took a deep, easy breath in, and then slowly released it. There was no tension left. She turned in her husband's arms and smiled up at him. "I want to be different than her."

"You are."

She nodded. "It's my choice who I am."

He nodded, the corners of his lips rising and his eyes shining with love and adoration. "It is."

"I like who I am." She'd never allowed herself to say it out loud before, let alone think it to herself.

"I like who you are, too," he told her, pressing a kiss to her cheek and then rubbing his nose affectionately against hers. "In fact, I love who you are."

She leaned into him and rested her forehead against his chin, needing to be closer. His arms tightened around her. "I get to choose who I am. I don't have to _fight_ to not be like her. I get to chose."

"It's not a struggle," he said, telling her he understood what she was saying.

"I was so afraid for so long of becoming her. And then I met you and you showed me there was so much more to life. You made me want to fight for that life, and I did. But now..."

"But now you can stop fighting."

"I can stop fighting." She laughed again. It was freeing. She was living her own life for the first time, without even a hint of a shadow overhead.

"I'm so..." He trailed off, voice suddenly thick.

She pulled away far enough to meet his eyes. His face was a myriad of emotions. His gaze told her he was bordering on being overcome by being included in her new outlook on life.

He raised a hand to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing along her face. "Meredith, I am so happy for you," he said, voice still thick with emotion. "And relieved for you. And so very grateful to have you in my life."

"Derek..." She whispered, feeling tears spring to her eyes at the intensity in his.

He shook his head, marvelling at her. And she let him. Because maybe he was right and she was something worth being marvelled at. "You are so strong," he told her. "And extraordinary." He offered her a tender smile. "You amaze me, Mer, every day."

"Thank you," she told him. "You amaze me, too, you know."

"We're a good match, then," he said lightly.

She laughed. "Definitely a good match." She leaned in to kiss him and then pulled away and reached for his hand. "Let's go home."

He closed his hand around hers and easily fell into step beside her. And together, they went home to celebrate.


	129. Chapter 129

_**AN: So, it's been a little over a year since my last post...Really sorry. The last year has just been one issue after another and though I thought about this story a lot, I lost the ability to pick up where I'd left off. At the beginning of the year, I started re-reading the story to get back in the mindset...got about three quarters through before RL blew up again, then had to start again a few weeks ago. My plan right now is to complete this story (should only be a few more chapters) by the story's 6 year anniversary, and then move on to finish HWA. I think this story will have 2 more chapters, with epilogue either at the end of last chapter, or on it's own.**_

_**00**_

Derek awoke to the sound of the front door closing. He sighed and blinked at the darkened blurriness of the bedroom. His eyes focused and he turned to read the numbers on the alarm clock resting on his nightstand. The alarm wasn't set to go off for another twenty minutes.

He rolled over and reached for his wife, content to pull her into his arms and drift back to sleep until he had to get up. Unfortunately, his plan was ruined by the fact that the sheets next to him were cool and bare. He sat up and glanced around the darkened room, trying to determine how long ago she'd left the bed. She'd definitely fallen asleep in his arms only a few hours earlier.

The night before had been...exceptional.

After getting out of his afternoon surgery, only to be told Meredith had had some sort of breakdown when she'd found blood on the kitchen floor of her mother's house, he'd panicked. He'd thought it had been too much for her; thought it had pushed her over the edge he'd watched her balance on for weeks. She'd opened herself up and had been vulnerable. Too vulnerable, he'd begun to think. He'd watched for weeks as the stress of opening herself up to her past slowly created cracks in her strength and ability to cope. He'd thought it had been too much for even his very strong wife to handle. He'd been desperate to find her, to help her.

To _save_ her.

But he hadn't had to. He'd found her and she'd been okay. Better than okay. She'd been empowered. She'd had an epiphany. She'd reshuffled her world view. And she'd invited him into her therapy session without hesitance; had let him in to see and hear and experience everything with her.

She'd saved herself.

He'd known she was strong – something he had recognized and admired early on – but he hadn't know she was _that_ strong. To know what she'd been through and to be included as she worked to make a different life for herself was truly humbling.

Everything had changed. She'd changed. When she'd first started, he had hoped the therapy would help her see things differently, but the reality was truly remarkable. The things she'd said to him, the things she now viewed differently than before...

She was so strong to have reached that point and come out the other side. So strong. And the moment they'd set foot in their home they'd bypassed the kitchen for their bedroom, needing each other more than nourishment. And it had been different. They'd craved each other, but hadn't been desperate. They'd reached a new level, a new ability to share their emotions and thoughts and needs.

Truly exceptional.

With a sigh, he swung his legs over the side of the bed so he was sitting and reached for his phone. He'd woken to the front door shutting, so she'd probably been paged in early. And she would normally text him, so that he'd know where she was when he woke up.

His phone didn't show any missed texts.

He rubbed his hands over his face. If she'd just left, maybe she hadn't had the chance yet.

After standing, he stretched and stumbled into the bathroom to relieve himself and brush his teeth.

It was disappointing that she wasn't here now. After everything they'd experienced the day before, both the good and the bad, he wanted to spend the morning with her, even for something as germane as sharing breakfast together before work.

Leaving the bathroom somewhat more awake then he'd been when he'd entered, he shuffled across the bedroom to his dresser. He pulled on a pair of boxers and tee shirt before heading downstairs to check the coffee pot. If she'd been paged for an emergency, she may not have had the chance to start the coffee.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he heard rustling in the kitchen and his mood picked up. Maybe she hadn't been paged in early. He quickened his steps and smiled as he rounded the corner and caught sight of his wife puttering around the kitchen.

"Morning," he called, unable to contain a smile.

She turned, large bowl in one hand and spatula in the other. "Hey," she greeted brightly. "You're up early."

"So are you." He narrowed his eyes at the items in her hands as he approached, "What are you planning on doing with those?"

She smirked at his tone. "What? You don't think I'm capable of handling these?"

"Absolutely not," he said easily, tugging them from her hands without much effort. "Let's just put them down before something bad happens."

She laughed freely as he placed the bowl on the counter and the spatula in it. Then he turned back to her and pulled her to him. "Morning," he said again into her hair.

"Morning," she said back, snaking her hands around his waist as she hugged him back. Several moments went by, but she made no move to extract herself from his arms.

He rubbed her back and closed his eyes as he ducked his head to bury his nose in the crook of her neck and breathe her in. God, she smelled good; like lavender and _Meredith _and a little of himself as she hadn't had the chance to shower after their night of celebrating. "I'm glad you're here. I heard the door and thought you'd been paged in early."

"Cristina," she supplied. "She heard about yesterday – the bad part – and wanted to make sure I was okay. She texted to say she was outside the front door, so I couldn't exactly not let her in."

He chuckled. "She still here?"

"No. She only stayed a few minutes. She's been going in extra early to get in on surgery before Hahn shows up." She paused. "She seemed really down today, so I lent her my sparkle pager."

"You're a good friend."

"I just want her to be okay."

He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and released her. "She will be." He paused before narrowing his eyes at her. "Now, we need to talk about this."

"This?"

He motioned a hand at the items she had taken out of the cupboards and placed on the counter. In addition to the bowl and spatula, there was a frying pan, a measuring cup and a box of pancake mix. "This," he confirmed. "You know you're not supposed to cook unattended."

She laughed at his joke and swatted at his chest. "It's half my kitchen, too, you know."

"Yes, but if you burn down your half, you'll burn down my half as well."

She laughed again. "I am not that bad."

He kissed her briefly. Just because he wanted to. Because she was happy and laughing and her eyes looked freer then he'd seen in months. "You've made improvements," he conceded.

She rolled her eyes in good nature. "I was actually hoping I could persuade you to make pancakes for breakfast."

"I think I could handle that." He said, before kissing her again, just because.

Meredith was smiling when he pulled away to prepare breakfast. She shuffled around him, dragging her hand across his lower back as she went by, and hopped up onto the counter a few feet from the stove.

"What's your schedule like today?" He asked as he began pulling ingredients out of the cupboards.

Ankles crossed and legs swinging aimlessly together, Meredith launched into a detailed explanation of the tumour she was scheduled to assist Bailey in removing at ten that morning.

Derek smiled at her enthusiasm as he mixed the ingredients together in the bowl he had taken out of her hands minutes before. He mixed more than normal. After skipping dinner the previous evening, he was starving and was sure his wife was as well, especially considering she'd skipped lunch as well.

"How about you?" she reflected the question back to him when she'd finished her explanation.

"Couple of consults," he said as he began stirring the batter. "And some paperwork to catch up on. On call for emergencies." He glanced down at the bowl and then smirked. Dropping the spatula to rest against the edge, he lifted the bowl and stepped across the kitchen to his wife. "Think you can handle some basic food preparation?"

She mock glared at him as she took the bowl. "I don't know, Derek. Seems pretty dangerous to let me handle a spatula," she said, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

He chuckled and she stuck her tongue out at him playfully. He laughed out loud before leaning in, mindful of the bowl of partially mixed pancake batter, and kissed her.

She was smiling when he pulled away. "What was that for?"

He shrugged. "Just felt like it."

Her smiled grew as she picked up the spatula and began to stir the batter. "I'm freaking starving," she commented.

"Me too," he commented as he pulled a frying pan from the lower cupboard and set it on the stove. "Did you get anything to eat yesterday?"

Meredith pursed her lips for a moment before shaking her head. "I had a granola bar on my way to work. That's all. I was going to grab something from the coffee cart before surgery in the morning, but then Izzie told me about Rebecca and I got distracted. And then I was going to have lunch after I got back from checking on Alex and Rebecca, but..." She trailed off, not needing to explain.

He padded up to her and set his hands on her knees as she continued to stir the batter. "How are you feeling today?"

She offered him a gentle smile. "Physically, I'm a little sore. I don't know how much time I spent scrubbing at the floor." His heart clenched at the thought of his wife desperately trying to scrub away the sight of blood on the kitchen floor; trying to scrub away the memories of her darkest childhood day. He couldn't decide if the five year old or thirty year old version upset him more. "But emotionally, I feel..." She trailed off and shook her head, as if unable to explain. "Free."

He felt himself smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She dropped the spoon against the side of the bowl and reached her free hand to grip the collar of his tee shirt. "I didn't know it was possible to feel like this," she shared. "Everything makes more sense. _I_ make more sense." She tugged him close and pressed a kiss to his lips. "I feel like I've had a weight on my chest since that day and now it's just gone. I feel better. Hell, I slept better last night than I can remember."

"No nightmares," he murmured in realization. More nights than not recently he'd woken to his wife shaking or crying out in their bed. It had broken his heart every time he'd woken her and she'd burrowed herself into him for comfort. Because she shouldn't be so haunted by something that had happened so long ago, while she'd been so innocent and helpless. He'd hated Ellis for what she'd done to her daughter. A mother was supposed to be the thing that kept the bad dreams away, not the cause of them.

"No nightmares," she echoed proudly. "I'll never have that dream again. It doesn't have the same meaning now."

"Have I told you how happy I am for you?"

She smiled.

"Or how much I love you?"

Her smile widened. "You have, but you can tell me again..."

He tugged the bowl from her hand and set it down on the counter. Then he stepped in between her knees and wrapped his arms around her middle. "I. Love. You," he said, pressing a quick kiss on her lips between each word, "So. Very. Very. Much."

She giggled when he finished, but stopped him before he could put any distance between them, her small hands gripping at the collar of his shirt. "I. Love. You. So. Very. Very. _Very_. Much," she repeated, taking her turn to kiss him between each word as he had done. "Too," she added against his lips before deepening the kiss.

He moaned into her mouth and was just debating forgetting about breakfast and scooping her into his arms to take her back up to their bed when her stomach grumbled loudly in protest.

They broke away laughing.

"I told you I was starving," she said.

He pecked her lips one more time before releasing her. "One order of pancakes, coming right up."

00

After over an hour of especially dull paperwork, Derek donned his lab coat and headed for the surgical floor. His first consult wasn't scheduled for another hour, but he hated being stuck in his office. Meredith was scheduled to be in surgery now, so he planned to observe her surgery before heading off for his own consult. He loved watching her work. However, when he reached the observation room, the procedure below was not a tumour resection being performed by Dr. Bailey, but what appeared to be an accident victim being worked furiously on by Drs. Webber, Hahn and Yang. Well, being worked on by Dr. Webber and Dr. Hahn. Dr. Yang was standing apart from the two attendings, her head down as Hahn appeared to be yelling furiously at her.

He observed for a moment and shook his head at Hahn's behaviour before heading down the hall to the OR board. Meredith's surgery was still listed for OR 2 at that moment. He furrowed his brow.

"Got bumped for an emergency," Bailey said as she appeared seemingly out of nowhere beside him.

He stepped out of the way as she erased the start time of her surgery and replaced it with a later time. "I'll operate after lunch," she added.

He frowned at her tone. "By yourself," he finished for her.

She capped the marker, but kept it in her hand. "You tell me."

"Excuse me?"

"I won't operate with a resident who poses a risk to my patient. And after yesterday..."

Derek hesitated, torn between the husband who wanted his wife to be treated fairly and the attending who understood his fellow surgeon's reservations. "She's fine," he said evenly.

"Fine? I know fine, and I'll tell you, Derek, yesterday she was anything _but_ fine."

"Yesterday was..." He shook his head. "Tough. But she's strong."

"You didn't see her when O'Malley brought her in. She was white as a ghost and shaking. And she had trouble following conversation. And the state O'Malley said he found her in-"

Derek cut her off before she could say more by prying the marker from her hand, setting it on the ledge by the OR board and hooking his hand around her elbow to drag her away from the open area. Both husband and fellow attending recognized the middle of the surgical floor was not the right spot for this conversation. He found an empty conference room, and ushered her in. "Dr. Bailey, you of all people know it's not appropriate to discuss residents in public like that."

She waved a hand in apology as she sat at the table, clearly wanting to have a real conversation.

He sat kitty corner to her. "She won't be a danger to your patient. She's still the best resident in the hospital."

Bailey cracked a smile at his inability to truly be objective about his wife's ranking. "Can I talk to you as her husband for a few minutes, and not her attending?"

"I'm always her husband."

She glared at him in the way only Bailey could.

He smirked back at her and nodded. He wouldn't allow this with anyone, but Bailey was special. She was concerned for Meredith as a person she cared for and not just another resident, whether she'd admit it or not.

"Off the record," Bailey said.

"Off the record," he echoed.

"She scared me yesterday. When I first saw her in that state, I thought something had _happened_ to her."

He flinched at how bad it had been, had _almost_ been. Had _once_ been, if he was honest with himself. Sure, his wife had flashed back yesterday and for a few hours she'd lost herself in reality. But one day twenty-five years earlier that _had_ been reality. Something _had_ happened to her. "She's stronger than you think."

"It's no secret that girl's strong. She's continued to excel at work, despite everything she dealt with last year." She smiled. "I had my money on her in the resident contest, you know?"

Derek smiled. "Me too."

"She's a fighter. I was proud when she won. And she hasn't lorded the sparkle pager over the other fools. You know if Yang or Karev had won they'd never leave the OR."

He nodded. "You're probably right."

"She may be your wife, and you may be trying to convince her to go into neuro, but she was still my intern, my baby. I raised her along with that ragtag group she calls family. And I'm her Chief Resident now. So, I need to know how hard she can be pushed before she'll break."

"She won't break," he said confidently.

"Derek-"

"Yesterday looked bad," he cut her off, "But trust me when I tell you a lot of good came from it."

Bailey met his gaze for a long moment. "What did her mother do when she was a child?"

He looked away and shook his head. That wasn't his story to tell.

"Did she...did she try to kill herself, Derek? Because she told O'Malley the blood was her mother's when he first found her and-"

"Stop," he said, holding up a hand. "I can't...Whatever Ellis may or may not have done isn't my story to tell."

"But you know."

"I'm her husband," he answered. "That means what she tells me in confidence stays in confidence, no matter what."

Bailey stared at him.

He smirked. "And staring me down won't work this time."

"You know about that?"

"It's not subtle."

"I appreciate that you don't want to talk about her private life, I do, but I'm worried about that girl."

"I will tell you one thing that she told me once," he said, his mind going back to the morning after she'd first told him what Ellis had done all those years ago. He'd been sick with worry for her; had wanted to shelter her from the world to make it better. "Just because you're suddenly aware of something that may have happened long ago doesn't mean it's new for her. Whatever Ellis may have done when Meredith was a child is something Meredith has known about and dealt with every day since then."

"And yesterday?"

"Was a good day," he repeated his earlier explanation. "I promise."

She narrowed her eyes at him for several moments, looking like she wanted to believe him, but wasn't completely convinced.

"Speaking as her attending, I would have no concerns with having her in my OR today. I respect your concerns, Bailey, I really do, and if I wasn't her husband, I would probably have the same concerns as you. But I am her husband, and so I can tell you that if you let her in your OR today she'll be the same natural, highly talented, exceedingly bright aspiring surgeon you're used to."

She glared at his description.

"I did say I was speaking as her husband," he pointed out with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes at him, but he caught the hint of a smile.

"I can tell you that she acted just like any other enthusiastic resident this morning over breakfast when she told me all about your patient and the tumour she was going to assist in removing."

At that, Bailey smiled. "I'll make sure not to disappoint her, then."

He smiled. "Thank you."

00

After hurrying to check on her assigned patients and checking in with her interns in order to be ready for her morning surgery, Meredith was disappointed to find it postponed, but also a bit relieved for the chance to take a break.

She headed for the coffee cart for some much needed caffeine. After the exhausting previous day, spending much of the night having hot sex with her husband was definitely gratifying, but also a little extra exhausting seeing as she hadn't gotten nearly the amount of sleep she could have had.

After joining the relatively short line at the coffee cart, she stared at the glass display window, debating whether she'd order something sugary. Derek's pancakes had – as usual – been delicious and more than filling. But several hours had passed since she'd had them and her postponed surgery meant she'd most likely be missing lunch again.

Nodding to herself, she decided on the large cinnamon roll at the front that seemed to be calling her name. The line moved up and she followed it, but when she stopped, she felt a presence behind her. She turned to meet her friend's ashamed gaze.

"Iz," she greeted guardedly, confused by Izzie's expression.

Izzie held out her hand. "I'm so sorry, Meredith."

Meredith reached to take whatever Izzie was offering.

"George told me what happened," she said as she placed Meredith's car keys in her palm. "We brought your car here this morning. I...I didn't think you'd want to have to go to the house to pick it up...after what happened yesterday." She paused, her gaze pinching. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I never meant to... I shouldn't have..."

"It wasn't your fault, Iz," she found herself saying.

"But it was. I was worried about Alex, but it wasn't your problem. I made it your problem." She ran a hand through her hair. "God, Meredith, I made you go there and you... Well, I don't really know what happened to you, but George told me how he found you, and I... I'm sorry, Meredith. I'm so sorry."

Meredith reached out to grasp onto Izzie's forearm. "You didn't make it my problem. You and Alex are my family, Iz. _That's_ what made it my problem. I would do it again if I had to. And what happened was..." She sighed, not prepared to go into details here and now. "It was bad, but it was also really good. It helped me figure a lot of stuff out."

Izzie only looked half convinced.

"Remember when I told you about therapy?"

Izzie nodded.

"It helped me figure a lot of that stuff out."

"I never meant to put you into that kind of situation."

"Do you blame Alex for what happened?"

"Of course not. He did everything he could for Rebecca. He just wanted to help her."

"And you just wanted to help both of them. And I just wanted to help. So stop beating yourself up."

Izzie looked a little more convinced, but still not ready to let go.

"Seriously," Meredith insisted, causing Izzie to smile.

"It really helped you figure stuff out?"

Meredith nodded. "It did. And today is a better day than I've had in a very long time." The clearing of a throat caught her attention, causing her to turn to see the barista waiting for her to place an order. She quickly ordered two large coffees before turning back to Izzie. "Have coffee with me." She pointed to the display of pastries. "The cinnamon bun is mine, but anything else you like is yours."

After receiving their coffees and snacks, the girls headed for a quiet corner in the waiting room to take their break.

"You seem different," Izzie observed.

Meredith shrugged as she pulled her cinnamon bun out of the bag. "Like I told you; today is a very good day. The first day of the rest of my life, or whatever," she said with a hint of sarcasm and a wave of her hand.

"I'm glad," Izzie said, for the first time appearing to fully believe Meredith.

"How is Alex?"

Izzie shook her head. "Not good. Rebecca was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She's...a lot worse than even I thought. I stayed up with Alex last night and I've never seen him quite like that."

"Is he working today?"

"He was supposed to. I'm covering for him. He...he definitely needed the day off."

"You're a good friend, Iz."

"I'm trying. I hate leaving him home by himself."

"It's Alex, so alone time if probably what he needs to process everything."

"I know. He just...doesn't deserve this."

"No one does."

"We'll make sure he's okay, Iz. He's one of our people."

Izzie smiled as they both remember a conversation between the two of them almost a year ago, when Izzie had first discovered Meredith had invited Alex to live with them. "I get it, you're crazy again."

"Paint with all the colours of the wind..." She echoed her response from their earlier conversation.

Izzie laughed. "I'm glad that Meredith didn't last long. She was creepy."

Meredith echoed the laugh. "She was too much effort. I think I found a happy medium."

"You did." The blonde sighed. "Thank you, Meredith."

"For what?"

"For not blaming me for yesterday."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Maybe not, but it felt like it was. Alex felt bad, too. He's brooding and depressed about Rebecca right now, but when he stops, he'll be apologizing as well. Okay, well, he won't actually _apologize_ because he's _Alex_, but he'll say something."

"Well, you can tell him he doesn't have to, so that's one less thing for him to worry about. Seriously, I'm the last thing he should be worried about right now."

"He'll be okay," Izzie said confidently. "I'm determined to make sure he's okay."

"He's lucky to have you."

"I hope so."

"We're all lucky to have you, Iz," she added.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Now you're being weird again."

Meredith laughed. "Too much? I've spent so much of the last few months wrapped up in my own crap I feel like I've missed a lot."

"We've all be wrapped up in our own stuff, not just you. No one thinks you've been avoiding us. And you definitely helped George."

Meredith felt her brows furrow. "How have I helped George?"

Izzie smirked. "Apparently you told him to grow a pair, so he did."

"What?"

Izzie laughed. "Something about the Chief ordering him to distribute and collect the date and tell forms, and you refused and he begged, and you told him to grow a pair?"

Meredith groaned as she remembered. _I say this with love, but you need to grow a pair, George. You're a surgeon. This job is demeaning and he picked you because he knew you'd go along with it. _She'd been right in the middle of anger at the Chief and was refusing to complete the date and tell form to make a stand. George had gotten caught in the middle. "And that helped him?" She asked meekly, torn between curiosity and feeling bad for what she'd said to her friend.

Izzie started at her for a long moment before shaking her head with a laugh. "You weren't kidding when you said you were wrapped up in your own crap."

"What does that mean?"

"George stood up to the Chief."

"What? He did?"

"Yeah. That night. He told the Chief – in a George kind of way – that he was a surgeon and that being forced to deal with that form was demeaning. Then the Chief actually apologized and put him on two really good surgeries to make it up to him. And ever since it's like...a whole new George. He's been more confident and more assertive." Izzie paused. "He was kind of..." She sighed. "Not struggling exactly, but floundering a bit, like he was second guessing himself."

"I didn't know that."

"I think he only talked to me about it. He was feeling a little overwhelmed. But now he's figured it out. So, you helped him."

She smiled, proud of herself and her friend. "I'm glad."

"Now we just have to fix Alex."

Meredith laughed. "And Cristina."

"Agreed."

"Unless you have anything that needs fixing, too?"

"Only thing that needs fixing is my friends."

"Okay, so we need to fix Cristina and Alex, and in doing so we fix Izzie."

Izzie stuck out her hand. "Agreed."

Meredith was laughing as she shook. "Agreed."

000

Derek had just finished with his last consult of the day when he paused in a quiet corner of the surgical floor to debate what to do next. The right decision was to return to his office and the always present pile of paperwork. But he just didn't want to do that. He'd made substantial progress between consults, so he could stand to put off doing more.

Deciding to side with sanity, he headed for the OR Board, hoping to find his wife's name listed for a surgery. He'd missed watching her earlier when their schedules had conflicted, and he hadn't been able to tear his mind from her all day.

Her name was – disappointingly – not on the board.

He grumbled under his breath at the thought of having no excuse not to return to his office. There were still several hours scheduled left in her shift, so leaving early wasn't about to help him. But after the last months of watching her struggle, and the previous day of watching her make sense of everything, he just wanted to be with her. To celebrate with her. To watch her smile. To feel her happiness.

For a moment, he wished they weren't surgeons, and he could whisk her away from Seattle for a week – or even just a weekend – to celebrate. Maybe he could plan something. Work their schedules for some time off in the coming weeks. Take her away. Make her feel special. See her smile as she experienced all those things she had learned could be a part of her life.

Derek closed his eyes and took a breath. God, he loved his wife. He didn't normally think of himself as a romantic – at least not to this extent – but after having her allow him to experience the last few months of self-discovery with her, he was simply in awe of her. And he wanted her to see herself as he did her.

Opening his eyes, he shot a glare at the OR board – which _still_ didn't have her name on it – and walked away with a huff, resigning himself to an afternoon of struggling to do paperwork while his mind fought to think of his wife.

He got halfway to his office when an unmistakable laugh tugged him off course. He couldn't see her, but he knew which direction she was in. Turning into a staff lounge, he felt his heart tug at the sight of his very beautiful and amazingly strong wife laughing with her best friend as Cristina handed her something.

"Seriously, Mer," Cristina said, "You have to take this back. I'm drunk off the power."

Meredith took whatever item Cristina had offered with a smile. "Congratulations."

"Now I'm going to go teach my interns something."

Meredith snorted. "Okay, now I think you're just drunk."

"Just living the dream, Mer, living the dream." With that, Cristina turned on her heel and strode away, shooting Derek a half smile as she walked out of the room.

Derek raised an eyebrow at his wife.

Meredith laughed as she sidled up to him, waving the sparkle pager in her hand. He nodded as he remembered her telling him that morning she had leant it to Cristina.

"I take it the sparkle magic helped Cristina?"

She laughed at his comment, but instead of responding she hooked both hands around the back of his neck and tugged him down for a kiss.

His hands found her hips on their own volition and the moment his lips touched hers the spark caused him to deepen the kiss. She leaned back and his hands snaked around to her back to support her. She groaned into his mouth and he pressed closer.

"I've been thinking about you all day," he said when they came up for air.

"Mmm, you too," she responded, her voice breathy in that way that pulled at him. He needed to be closer, to feel her, to touch every-

She pulled away as he leaned in again, pressing her hand to his chest.

He pressed his forehead against hers, eyes closed, breathing hard. "Sorry, you're right. We can't do this here."

She tugged one of his arms from around her middle and stepped back from him as she threaded her fingers through his. He thought the gesture was to convey both agreement and apology, but she surprised him when she tugged him towards the door.

"What...?"

"We can't do this _here_, but we can still do this. We just need to find somewhere more private."

All thoughts of rules and responsibility and 'we're at work' went out the window, because – seriously – who was he to say no to his wife? He dropped her hand at the door and did his best to appear professional as they walked together down the hall in search of a free on call room.

It being the middle of the afternoon, an unoccupied on call room wasn't too difficult to find, and the moment they were inside, alone together, door locked, he pressed himself to her.

"Derek," she mumbled into his mouth as he kissed her.

"Mmm," he mumbled back, not even sure himself if he was trying to say her name or simply making a non-descript noise.

She tugged at the hem of his scrub top. He pulled back just far enough to divest himself of it quickly and reached for hers as well before she could close the distance between them again. Her fingers were working the drawstring of his scrub pants before he even got her top over her head. He huffed a laugh as he tossed her stop to the floor with his own. "Someone's impatient."

Her hands released the drawstring and moved up the bare skin of his chest, leaving tingling trails behind them. "Patience is overrated," she murmured as she stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his.

He mumbled "agreed," into her mouth as he kissed her back. His hands found her side, felt her shiver as his fingers ran up and down along her ribs. She moaned against him and pressed closer. He reached behind her to unhook her bra and within moments the garment landed on the floor with their shirts.

Having to come up for air, Derek broke the kiss and began running his lips down her neck. Meredith moaned again, making him smile as he felt the vibration of the moan pass by his lips. Her hands ran down to his waistband again and she tried to tug at them, but was unable to make much progress with them pressed together as they were.

"Derek," she mumbled. "Der..."

He kissed his way back up her neck and cheek to her lips until her could meet her eyes. "Yeah?" He asked breathlessly.

She kissed him before demanding, "Take off your pants."

He chuckled before pulling away with a, "Yes, dear." His fingers easily worked the knot in his drawstring as he kicked off his shoes. Only feet away, she was doing the same thing, and in just moments, he had divested himself of all his clothing and was reaching for her again.

She allowed him to press her back towards the bed, and tugged at him as he lay her down, pulling him over her. Her eyes practically sparkled with happiness and desire and love. And a little bit with _forever_. He kissed her softly, telling her how much he wanted the forever as well. Her hands snaked around his waist to rest at his back.

He ended the kiss, but hovered, staying close to tell her some of what she was making him feel, but he beat her to it.

"I love you," she whispered, stealing the words at they were being formed in his throat. "So much, Derek. So much."

He ran his fingers through her hair, marvelling at how perfect she was; how lucky he was. "I love you, too, Mer. More than I know how to say."

"Then show me," she whispered.

He groaned with want and proceeded to do exactly that.

000

"How soon do you need to get back to the floor?" Derek asked quietly as his hand drew meandering shapes on his wife's back. Their quickie in the on call room hadn't exactly been quick and then he'd lost track of how much time they'd spent laying together.

Head on his chest and arm slung across his abdomen, Meredith shrugged. "No pressing patients. They'll page me if I'm needed."

When she made no move to leave or even commit to a timeframe when she would have to leave, he wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her head. "I'll just have to keep you here with me forever, then," he said.

"Fine with me."

He chuckled. "May make surgery a little difficult."

"I'm sure we'll figure something out. We're good at figuring things out."

He smiled at that. "We certainly are lately." He pressed another kiss to her forehead. "I'm so glad you've figured things out, Mer. I'm so happy for you. And it makes me so happy to see you happy."

"I am happy," she agreed. She reached for his hand and threaded their finger together. "I couldn't have done any of it without you."

"You could have," he argued. "You're so strong, Mer. You could do anything."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes and offered him a soft, appreciative smile. "I could have," she accepted, "But I'm glad I didn't have to."

"You never will," he promised.

"You won't either," she returned his promise.

He squeezed her hand. "I'm glad."

She smiled and ducked her head to brush her nose to his chest, not hiding her face from him, but also not quite not hiding it either.

"What?"

She looked back up at him, smiling. "I kind of like this whole marriage thing."

He laughed out loud at her statement. Though they were probably technically still newlyweds, they'd been married well over half a year now, so it wasn't often brought up anymore.

"You're here for me, no matter what," she continued, "I'm here for you, no matter what. The good and the bad. I like it."

"I should hope so."

She lay her head back down on his chest. "After a few months of being with you, when I started to understand there'd be a future, I thought about the being there for each other thing and it was scary. Not being there for you. Well, okay, I admit I was afraid I wouldn't be enough to be there for you, but the thought of being there for you wasn't the problem."

"It was letting me be there for you," he finished for her.

"Yeah."

"Then it stopped being scary?"

"Then I just sort of accepted it and hoped it would never really have to happen," she admitted.

He laughed at her blunt honesty. "I doubt any relationship could get through a lifetime without something coming up."

"Or a hundred things."

"And now that it happened?" He prompted, back to her statement.

She lifted her head again to meet his eyes. "It wasn't scary anymore when I married you. And I'd more than accepted it by then. But I wasn't this grateful until the last few months. Just knowing that I had someone who cared when I had a bad day..." She trailed off and shook her head. "That's not something I've ever had before."

His heart tightened in his chest like it did every time he was reminded how alone she had been for so long.

"And I didn't realize until now just how much better that makes everything else. My life is better because I get to experience it with you. Does that make sense?"

"Meredith..." He managed to breathe her name around the lump that had suddenly lodged itself in his throat.

She released his hand and ran hers up his chest to his shoulder and then into his hair, giving him time to speak.

"Yes," he said. "Yes, Mer, that makes sense. I feel it, too."

She stilled her hand, fingers buried deeply in his hair and met his eyes evenly. "Thank you, Derek. For everything. You made these last few months a lot better than they could have been."

"You did all the work."

"But you were there for everything. You didn't make me feel weak for not being able to fix things faster. You cared. You were there every time I needed something and you didn't pretend it would all magically get better. You just let me feel the frustration, and reminded me you cared and would still be there tomorrow. That's what I needed."

"I'm glad." He offered her a tender smile. "I worried, too, you know; that I wouldn't be enough for you."

"Well, don't ever worry about that again. You went above and beyond."

"Beyond, huh?"

She nodded. "Mmm-hmm. Derek, you offered to quit your job and move more than once. And you would have done it for me if I'd said yes. And you stood beside me and refused to complete the date and tell form, which seriously, looking back rationally now..." She shook her head. "That was a really stupid thing to be upset about."

He laughed his agreement. "You couldn't help how you felt."

"But you could. And you stood by me anyway."

"I'm your husband. That's my job," he told her. And to him it was the simple truth.

She stretched up along him and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "You're a really good husband," she told him.

He allowed the pride he felt at her praise show across his face in the form of a smile. "Having an amazing wife makes it easy."

She laughed. "I try."

The sound of a pager cut him off before he could respond. They groaned in unison as she pulled away from him to reach for their pagers. "It's mine," she told him. "Have to meet Bailey in ten minutes."

He sat up. "Or you could stay here. I'll write you a note. Tell her you have more important places to be."

She laughed as she pulled her clothes back on.

He laughed as well as he stood and found his boxers and scrub pants and began pulling them back on. By the time he had re-secured the drawstring, she was sidling up to him, fully dressed, with his scrub top in her hands.

"Do you think you'll get out on time today?" He asked, momentarily forgoing re-donning his shirt to snake his arms around her waist.

"I think so, but I need to stop by the house on the way home."

"Pick up your car?"

She shook her head. "No. Izzie drove it in this morning for me, so it's here. I need to talk to Alex. Izzie said he's not doing well and he's blaming himself for what happened to me on top of everything that happened with Rebecca."

He nodded. "Okay. I won't wait for you, then. I'll get home and get started on dinner."

She smiled. "Two home cooked meals in one day. What did I do to deserve that?"

"Just by being you."

She scrunched her nose in that adorable way that made him want to kiss her every time. "Corny."

"Maybe, but I stand by my statement."

She pressed a kiss to his lips. "There's also one more thing I want to talk to you about tonight. A conversation we've put off since the fall."

"What conversation would that be?" He asked, though he was pretty sure he knew what she was talking about.

"Babies," she said, confirming his suspicions.

"Is this your way of telling me you're ready to start trying?" He joked, "Or that we just did?"

She laughed. "I wouldn't do that to you. And I don't know if we're ready. Which is why we need to sit down and talk about it to decide if we're ready or when we will be ready."

"Okay," he said, unable to contain his smile.

"Okay?" She echoed.

"Okay," he confirmed, releasing her.

"Okay?" She said again. "That's all you have to say?"

He tugged his scrub top out of her fingers with a smirk. "Do we need to have a conversation to plan to have a conversation?"

"You're mocking me."

He pulled his top on and then leaned in to kiss his wife one more time. "A little. But only because I love you. And because you're cute."

She scrunched her nose.

"I'll go home and get started on dinner. You go see Alex. When you get home, we'll talk about babies and the future. And then, regardless of what we decide, we'll practice for when we start trying. Agreed?"

"Agreed."


	130. Chapter 130

"So, where do we start?"

Derek bit back a chuckle at the serious expression on his wife's face. She sat sideways on the couch facing him, leaning against the arm of the couch with her legs crossed in front of her. Her oversized pajama pants, pink tank top and mismatching socks were in total juxtaposition to the serious expression on her face.

"I don't think there's a specific place to start."

She huffed and scrunched her face in annoyance, which only served to make her look even more adorable. Not that he'd ever admit to viewing her as adorable. But she was. Adorable. All annoyed and serious and dressed like _that_.

When he didn't verbally respond to her huff, she huffed again and reached for the large, steaming mug of coffee that she'd placed on the coffee table. Unfortunately for Derek, the sight of her sipping from the _I __ My Husband_ mug he had put in her stocking that Christmas pushed him over the edge. He laughed out loud before he could help it.

She glared at him over her mug. "Can you try to take this seriously?"

"I think you're taking this a little too seriously," he said lightly.

"No, I'm not," she argued flatly. "We were supposed to talk about this in the fall, but we didn't. and then we were supposed to talk about it at the beginning of the week, but we got paged in for that emergency. It's February, Derek. And we need to talk about this. We're not working today and we're not on call, so there's very little chance we'll get interrupted. So we are going to talk about this. Today." Still clutching the coffee near her chest, she narrowed her eyes as she stared him down.

He shifted on the couch so that he mirrored her position to show her he was taking this talk seriously. "You're right. We've put it off for a long time and today is the perfect time to talk about it."

She nodded, moving the mug so it was resting it in her lap, both hands still gripping tightly like a life line. "Thank you."

"But I think you're taking this a little too seriously, Mer." He added.

"How so?"

"People have kids all the time. We don't need a long and serious conversation about it-"

"Yes, we do," she cut in. "It's important."

"It's important," he agreed. "But it doesn't need to be so...structured." His gaze glanced towards the note pad she had set on the coffee table.

She clenched her jaw and glanced away from him, silent.

"What?"

She sighed and looked back to him. "This is the most important thing we're ever going to do, Derek."

"Have this conversation?" He joked.

"Have a baby," she countered, ignoring his attempt to lighten the mood.

Despite the tone of the room, he couldn't help the smile that came to his lips at his wife referring to their future child.

"We can't screw this up, Derek," she continued in his silence. "We need to make sure we don't screw it up."

"We won't."

"That's why we need to talk about this."

"People have kids all the time and figure things out and everything works out okay."

"And other people damage the crap out of their kids because they want different things."

His heart tugged at her tone as he realized where her seriousness was coming from.

"And those kids grow up to be resentful and damaged and incapable of so many things."

Derek leaned forward and tugged the coffee out of her hands. She allowed him to do so, but put her hand up when he tried to shift closer to her.

"No," she said, her hand against his chest as he tried to hug her. "If I let you hold me, I'll feel all warm and gooey and allow you to convince me everything's going to just be okay and-"

He pushed past her hand and wrapped his arms around her. She was tens in his arms, but didn't push him away again. "I'm insisting on a hug, but I'll make it short."

She exhaled a laughing breath at his tone and hugged him back.

Arms still around her, he pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "Now, let's get one thing straight. Everything _is_ going to be okay. I get it. I come from a world where having kids - and lots of kids at that - is normal and expected and not something to be concerned about. You come from a world where..." He trailed off as he fought for words to describe what he knew she felt. "Well, you know what can happen when parenting goes bad."

"I just want to make sure we do this right."

"Because it's the most important thing we'll ever do," he echoed her earlier words. "Start a family. Be parents."

"Yes."

"I believe that, too. It's the most important thing. Having kids, having a family."

"I want it, Derek," she told him. "I want it so much. I just need to make sure we do it right."

"We will," he promised. "We love each other. We're in a stable and loving marriage. And we will love any and all children we're lucky enough to have. That's the most important thing. No matter how many kids we have, or how planned they are or are not, or when we have them, we will love them so much."

Meredith's eyes welled with tears, making his heart clench almost painfully in his chest. He wanted desperately to crush her to his chest, but he needed to meet her eyes for this.

"Our kids will _never_ doubt that they are loved and wanted, Mer. Never. I promise."

This time it was her who pulled him back into a tight hug. "That's all I want," she whispered into his shoulder. "I want that _so_ much."

"We're going to be good parents. Whether that's soon or a few years down the road, we're going to be good parents. And our kids will be loved and wanted." He'd say it as many times as she needed to hear it. His wife was incredibly strong. Her strength had allowed her to overcome her childhood, but her early experiences and memories had made their mark. Regardless of how much freer she was now, she would never be able to do something as significant as start a family without thinking of everything that could go wrong and take steps to prevent them. "They'll never doubt it, Mer. Never. I promise."

She took a deep breath, her ribcage expanding in his arms. "You're right," she whispered fiercely.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes again. "Okay, now that we've established that I was right, when do you want to start trying?"

She laughed and swatted at his chest. "I'm so glad being right is what you took from that conversation..."

He pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "I try." He smiled warmly at her, happy simply for having been able to make her laugh.

She laughed again. "So...we still need to talk about...things."

"Yes." He agreed easily.

"And you don't think there's any...order?"

"No. I think we just discuss what we want and see where that takes us."

"And we both have to be open about what we want and think."

"Agreed."

She took a breath. "Okay, so...?"

He pecked her lips. "How soon do you think we should start trying?"

She made a face before playfully shoving him away. "I told you that you can't hold me when you ask me that. It makes me all warm and gooey and not rational."

He laughed as he sat back against the arm rest, leaving his legs stretched out in front of her so that his toes touched her knees as she sat cross legged on the other side of the couch. "Is that better? Can we talk about it now?"

She shook her head. "Still feeling the remnants of warm and gooey. Let's start with something else."

He shook his head as he fought the urge to move back towards her again. "Too irresistible?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. It makes me want to just start trying right now, but that negates the point of having this conversation." She said the comment with a laugh in her voice, but her eyes stayed evenly trained on his, so he knew it was more than a joke.

"Okay, then let's start with...how many?"

"That's a good place to start."

He nodded.

"What do you think?" She asked.

"Not four girls and one boy."

She laughed. "That still leaves a lot of options open."

"Okay; not one boy and four or more girls."

She rolled her eyes. "Not helpful," she huffed at him.

He smirked and shrugged as if to say _you asked_.

She glared at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes I loved having such a large family and sometimes I hated it. As much as my sisters drive me crazy, I love them all. But overall, I think I'd rather have less than five. Plus, five takes a long time to have and..." He trailed off for a moment trying to form the right words. He didn't often feel older than his wife, but in actual fact her age rounded to thirty and his to forty. And he wanted to be there for his kids. "And I'm not exactly getting younger."

She placed her hand on his ankle and squeezed. "You're not old, Derek."

"Thanks for that," he told her. "But if we had lots of kids, even if we started fairly soon and had them fairly close together, I'd be nearing fifty and..."

"And that's old to have a new baby."

"Exactly. What do you think?"

"I hated being an only child. I was lonely. And now that I have Lexie in my life...I kind of really like having a sister."

"So, not one."

"Not one." She agreed. "And not five."

He nodded. "And not five."

"So, between two and four."

"We're surgeons. You'll be less busy when you're finished your residency, but we'll still be busy. The more kids we have, the more time we'll need to make. We need to be able to balance work and home."

"Without neglecting anyone at home," she said with the knowledge of what that felt like. She knew how easy it was to not even make time for one.

"Three or less means we all fit in a car."

She laughed. "That shouldn't be a criteria."

He shrugged. "I'm just saying."

"And what about the poor kid who always gets stuck in the middle seat in the back?"

"That was me growing up. The middle seat in the back bench seat of a mini van."

She laughed. "See? And you still resent that."

"So, an even number. Fits comfortable and equally in a car or a van."

"I am so not driving a mini van. Not happening. Not ever."

He laughed at her insistence. "An SUV, then."

"Maybe."

He laughed and shook his head. "I think we've gotten off topic...The point was to talk about kids, not cars."

"I think two is a good number," she volunteered. "No one's alone and no one's overwhelmed. We can balance our time and-"

"No one gets ignored."

"Yes."

"I think two's a good number, too," he agreed.

"And we can re-evaluate once we have two," she said, surprising him.

"Re-evaluate?"

She shrugged. "I don't think we should shut down the option of more than two now. I think we should just plan for two and then...re-evaluate if we want more. Is that okay?"

"That's most definitely okay. I would have a hundred kids with you."

She rolled her eyes. "How is five too many, but one hundred is fine?"

"It's a figure of speech."

"Whatever. You want a hundred; you're pushing 96 to 98 of them out of your vagina."

He laughed. "On second hand..."

"So, two?"

"Two," he agreed, making to move towards her.

"No," she demanded, holding up her hand. "No touching until we're done talking about this."

He grumbled as he sat back, poking her in the shin with his toes. He just really wanted to touch her, hold her, kiss her. She was right; this was an incredibly important conversation. They were discussing their future, having a family. And _that_ made _him_ feel warm and gooey - not that he'd ever admit that to her - and feeling warm and gooey made him want to touch her. "Fine. Can we talk about when now or are you still too warm and gooey?"

"Still too warm and gooey."

"Then what next?"

"Where are we going to live? I mean, I love it here. But do we want to raise kids in an apartment?"

"Maybe while they're little. When they're older, we're going to want land so they can run around, play games. Tire themselves out during the day so they don't keep us up all night." He joked.

"We could have a swing set."

"And a tree house. I always wanted a tree house."

She smiled at him. "That sounds really nice. I can imagine that up on your land. The dream house we talked about."

"Our land," he corrected gently.

"Our land," she echoed.

"I agree. But I think we should wait until you're done your residency before we build the house."

"Why?"

"Because you'll get offers. Fellowships. Attending positions. You're very good Mer, so you'll be in high demand. I don't want you to feel obligated to stay here if something better comes up."

"What about you?"

"I'm the best. I can get a job anywhere."

She laughed. "And so modest about it."

"I'll go anywhere with you and make it work."

"No. I'll get offers and you'll make calls and we'll decide together where is best for _us_."

"Agreed." He lifted his foot, which she took with a roll her eyes and 'shook' like a handshake.

"That's still a long time from now."

"Not really. Less than three and a half years left in your residency. That means at most we'd have a two and a half year old."

"That makes it seem a lot shorter."

"And it'll go by really fast."

"And if we have kids before then, we have the spare room."

"And the office can be converted if it needs to be."

She bit down onto her lower lip as she considered. "So, I guess we're saying we're moving out of here regardless after I finish my residency."

"If we stay in Seattle, we don't have to. But it would be better if we have kids to have a house and a yard. And a swing set and a tree house."

"Do you think we should wait until I'm finished my residency? To start trying?"

Derek drew a slow breath as his wife breached the most important part of the topic they needed to discuss. This was the part where he needed to be objective to their situation as a whole, to her situation. And that may require hiding some of his enthusiasm from her. Because he wanted kids with her desperately and he was ready now. But it wasn't fair to put that on her when she still had so much training ahead of her. If it was best to wait out the remaining three and a half years of her residency, that's what they would do. And he was determined not to make her feel guilty about it. "What do you think?" He deflected.

She shrugged. "I don't know. It's like you said; we're surgeons. Our life is never going to be quiet and full of free time." She paused before looking to him. "How much more time did you have when you finished being a resident?"

"The first couple years of my residency I think I had progressively more free time. As a senior resident I think I actually had more time than when I became a fellow."

Meredith sighed at that, drawing his attention. "It's never going to be the _right time_, is it? The busyness won't just end when I'm done my residency. I could spend _years _doing fellowships."

"That's right," he said evenly as he envisioned that line being pushed another year or two into the future to account for a fellowship. He swallowed hard when his mind automatically did the math and told him how old he would be. Three and a half years of residency. A couple years of fellowships. Reasonable time spent trying. Nine month pregnancy. His age would definitely not be rounding to 40 anymore. "Even if you go straight into an attending position, there will be time to adjust; probably a year or two of extra work." He tried to give her the most objecting answer that he could. She needed to know all of the information.

Her gaze shot down to her lap as she played with the rings on her left hand. He gave her the time to process the information, knowing she wasn't avoiding any of this, but simply needed the time to think. It was how she worked. When she lifted her head back up to meet his gaze, she still looked pensive.

He offered her a supportive smile, silently communicating he wasn't disappointed by any of her concerns.

"That's a really long time to wait," she ventured. "Even with only two kids after all that wait, you'd be getting close to fifty."

"This isn't about me," he said, ignoring the bitter stab of pain at her verbalizing his earlier thought. After watching his sisters start families in their twenties, he'd stopped believing he'd ever become a father when he approached his mid thirties and Addison had continued to put off the conversation he was having now with Meredith.

"Of course this is about you," she said with a huff. "It's about _us_. You and me. This can't only be about me and my schedule."

He swallowed hard. "I know that, Mer. But this is your career that would be affected, not mine. You deserve the chance to take every opportunity you want. Just like I had those opportunities. You can do anything with your life now." He paused for a moment, his chest tight with both want for the future and the need to make things fair for his wife. "I went through the residency and the fellowships and the years to settle into an attending role. My career won't be affected by having kids. But yours could. So, this has to be more about you."

She considered him for a long moment before she exhaled a shaky breath.

Derek cocked his head as he watched her eyes fill with tears. "Mer..." He breathed. He'd made her cry. He _hated_ when she cried. It made his chest ache and his body yearn for hers.

She moved towards him, tucking herself sideways between his legs so that she leaned back against the couch and sideways into his chest. "I love you so much," she whispered, settling against him.

He held his arms out away from her. "Does this mean I'm allowed to hug you?" He joked, trying to stop her tears.

She giggled as she nodded and he quickly wrapped her into a tight hug.

Pressing a kiss to the side of her head, he closed his eyes and sighed. "You make me so happy. My life is already so full with you in it," he told her, prepared to tell her he'd wait forever. That he was satisfied just to be with her. That he'd never blame or resent her. "I'm willing to wait for as long as you need. Really, Mer, I am. I can't change my age, but-"

"I don't want to wait," she said, cutting him off and stealing the breath from his lungs.

"I...what?"

She twisted to meet his eyes. "I don't want to wait," she repeated. You were right. You said I can take any opportunity I want and do anything I want with my life. And what I want is to have a family."

"Meredith," he managed to murmured through his suddenly narrowing throat.

"I want this more than I want to spend a hundred hours a week at the hospital. I want this more than I want to be the best surgeon out there. It's more important. Having a _family_ to come home to is more important; you taught me that."

"So, you're saying..." He prompted, his head beating furiously against his ribs with the anticipation he was struggling to keep in control.

"I don't want to wait," she repeated her earlier statement. She paused and cocked her head at him. "Is that okay?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't manage to verbalize a single word.

"I mean, your sisters had kids during training and residencies and even med school, right?"

He managed a nod. Still no words.

"Then it can clearly be done successfully. And if there's never going to be a _good_ time and we both clearly want it now, then I really don't see the point in waiting."

He forced the words out that he needed to ask. Needed to hear her answer. "So, you're not just saying you don't want to wait to the end of your residency. You're saying...now."

"Yes."

"And you...you _want_ this." Not really a question. He just needed to confirmation. One more time.

"So much," she said so quietly and yet so fiercely it almost stole his breath again.

He managed to swallow down some of the thickness in his throat. "And you're not just saying that because I'm hugging you and you're warm and gooey?"

She laughed openly in his arms and his heart soared at freeness in the sound. "I've been thinking about it for a while," she admitted. "I just want to talk about the important things first. And you were right. The most important thing is that our kids will be loved and wanted."

"They'll never doubt that," he promised.

"Then we can deal with anything else. Busy schedules. Possible fellowships and moving."

"And minivans."

She glared at him, though her eyes were sparkling. "Never," she reiterated. "That's a deal breaker."

He laughed and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "SUV, then."

She smiled at him. "It may be hectic, but we'll make it work, right?"

"We can make anything work," he assured, feeling the confidence in _them_ bubble up within him.

"You can spend more time at home for the first couple years if we need it, right? You spend extra time at the hospital now because-"

"Because you do," he finished for her. "I spend a lot more time than my contract requires. I'll start insisting now that Richard hires another neurosurgeon so I don't feel pressured to be around so much. I'll make it clear I won't be putting in so much time down the road."

"It would just be for a couple years," she stated.

He hugged her tight, reading her tone. "And having a busy job won't make you a bad mother," he told her. "It's your priorities and your attitude that matter." He caught the underside of her jaw with his index finger and tilted her head to kiss her. "Our kids will be the luckiest kids in the world because you'll be their mom. That won't change because you need to spend extra time at work."

"You really think so?"

"Oh, I know so. Without a doubt. You're not anything like your mother was."

She kissed him softly. "Thank you, Derek."

"No, thank you," he mumbled against her lips. "You're amazing, Mer, and you make me so happy."

"You make me happy, too." She pulled away and shifted from sitting sideways to straddle his lap. "So, do you think that's everything we need to talk about?"

His hands found her hips. "Yes, I think so."

She pulled off her tank top and then leaned in close, her lips inches from his. "Well, then I propose we see how many times we can _try_ before we go back to work tomorrow."

"Agreed."

_**AN: This chapter took a lot of time to get to where I wanted it, so I hope it was what everyone was expecting/hoping for. If I'm not taking this version of Meredith and Derek through season 5 and beyond, I really wanted to get them started on their future before I let them go.**_

_**Oh, and I hope everyone really likes the joke about Meredith and minivans. This stems from a review from a oneshot I wrote almost 6 years ago called Far From the Tree. In the story I mentioned Meredith driving a mini van and the reviewer (McLovinMcDreamy) thought it was hilarious. I hadn't put any thought into the vehicle choice, so when it was pointed out, I had a good laugh, because mini van truly does not scream Meredith Grey. Anyway, that comment has stuck in my head all this time waiting to make it into this story (though I think it also featured in Here We Are). **_

_**I think just one more chapter to go...already in the works. Still not sure if the next chapter will stand on its own or include the epilogue - I will make sure to let you know at the beginning of the chapter. Both sad that I'm near the end and looking forward to completing this story after so much time.**_

_**Just one more thing - you may notice I have also posted a new oneshot for the show 'Castle.' Just wanted to say that I'm not jumping ship and this has nothing to do with this story coming to an end. I still entirely plan on continuing HWA once WYB is complete. That being said, I may also continue to write more for Castle. It's a great show and if you haven't seen it, I'd recommend giving it a try.**_


	131. Chapter 131

_**AN: 6 years, 5 seasons, 4 places of residence in two different countries, 3 laptops, 2 awesome characters and 1 really long story. I've been writing and proofing right up to the last minute to have this chapter ready to go today, which marks exactly six years since this fic began. I've combined the final chapter and epilogue into one, so this will be the very last chapter. **_

_**I really want to thank everyone whose read from the very beginning and everyone who has joined somewhere along the way. This story started as a small idea on how a few main parts of season 2 and 3 would be different had Meredith and Derek been together all along. With a lot of supportive readers, it turned into so much more. I've enjoyed the ride, and though I know it's right to end this story now, I am sad to leave this Meredith and Derek behind. I really hope everyone likes the epilogue. **_

00

"Do you think it's safe to go back yet?"

"I don't think it'll _ever_ be safe to go back. Not with Izzie doing what Izzie does."

Derek laughed. "She's not that bad."

"You weren't at her last party," Meredith said dryly. "What she called a _small gathering to meet her boyfriend_ turned into a huge party that almost destroyed my house. We should never have given her a key."

"I was at her last party," he pointed out. "I have fond memories of that party." He raised an eyebrow at her.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You have fond memories from your car, which was parked down the street. You never made it inside."

"Not for lack of trying."

She laughed. "You were my boss. I was trying to be good."

It was his turned to laugh. "You had sex with me in my car."

She elbowed him in the side. "I was drunk."

He moved his arm to protect his side against any future attacks. "Okay, I think we've gotten a little off topic."

"No, I don't think it's safe to go back. Is the trailer live-able? We may have to stay there for a while."

"It's not going to be that many people."

"That's what she said last time!" Meredith buried her face in her hands. "Oh, I should never have agreed to this. At least last time it was about her and I was new so people didn't really know who I was."

"It's not going to be that bad."

"I don't like being the centre of attention."

Derek was silent for a moment before shrugging. "Tough."

He smirked when his wife's head shot up out of her hands. "Tough?" She echoed. "That's all you have to say?"

"Well, I tried to console you, but that didn't work, so yeah. Tough. Izzie's throwing our wedding reception, so we'll be the centre of attention. It's too late to do anything to change that."

She huffed. "I was really starting to think she had forgotten about it." As the months had gone by after they had gotten married last summer, Izzie had mentioned Meredith's promise to let her throw the wedding reception and house warm party less and less. And then in late February, the blond had presented them with a date. Now, almost a month later, they had been temporarily kicked out of their home so Izzie could set up. They had been told to stay away until called, so they had wandered down to the harbour and settled onto a bench to watch the ferry boats.

"I still don't understand why she kicked us out?" Meredith said, leaning into him. "It's not like this is a surprise party."

"Maybe she wants us to make an entrance, like at a real wedding reception."

"If this isn't a real wedding reception why are we doing it?"

He laughed. "I meant at a reception that takes place the day of the wedding, not nine months later."

Before she could respond, her phone chirped. She sighed and pulled it out of her pocket. "Text from Iz. She said we can come back now," she said, but made no move to get up.

"Should we go, then?" he shifted his weight to stand.

His wife shot him a playful smirk. "She made _us_ wait..."

He laughed and sat back against the bench. "Okay, but just a couple minutes."

She settled into his side again and he wrapped an arm around her waist. Together, they stared out at the ferry boats on the harbour from the bench they had commandeered almost an hour ago when Izzie had kicked them out. "It's nice down here. We should come here more often."

"We should," he agreed. "Though, it's not as...private as our favourite place to watch the the ferryboats..."

She giggled. "We should stop going there for a while, anyway."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to one day tell our kid he or she was conceived in a car..."

"Fair point." Derek laughed and tugged his wife tighter to him. So far they had been officially trying for a month and a half. No positive tests yet, but they were far from discouraged. In fact, Derek's not sure which of them would have been more surprised if the first test they had made a production of waiting the entire five minutes prior to unveiling had been positive. "One day they'll be three of us sitting down here watching the ferry boats," he mused before pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

Meredith turned into him and buried her face into his shoulder.

"You okay with all of this?"

"Stop asking me if I'm okay," she mumbled against him. On several occasions when discussing their future offspring she had reacted similarly to this. And each time he voiced what he felt to be a supportive question, it was shot down.

He chuckled. "I'll try."

She lifted her head to meet his eyes, hers suspiciously reflective as she mock glared at him.

He felt his brow furrow in concern. "Mer-"

She narrowed her eyes. "Don't you dare ask me if I'm okay again."

"Okay, but I just wanted to make sure you're-"

"And don't you dare ask me if I'm sure I'm ready."

He huffed. Clearly they had had this conversation too many time. "I love you," he went with.

She laughed and reached her hand up to hook into the collar of his shirt. She pulled him down to her level and kissed him. "I love you, too," she mumbled into the kiss. Eventually she broke the kiss and pulled back to meet his eyes. Her hand in his collar keeping him at her level. "I'm okay with this. In fact, I'm great with this. I'm _happy_, Derek. And sometimes that's still a little overwhelming. Okay? So, just...let me be a little overwhelmed."

His heart swelled for this amazing woman who he got to love and be loved by every day. She was so open with him now, and even more extraordinary than he remembered her being when they met. "You're sure you're just happy?"

She pressed her lips to his in a soft kiss. "I'm really happy. And a little scared. But good scared. _Normal_ scared, I think. And mostly happy. Really, really good, overwhelmingly happy. We're trying for a _baby_, Derek. A baby. That's..." She trailed off with a laugh. "See? I don't even have words for what that is."

"Extraordinary," he supplied. "It's extraordinary." He paused before adding, "We're extraordinary."

She laughed. "Corny."

He made a face. "Deal with it; you knew who I was when you married me."

She laughed again, louder. "I don't know, Derek. I think you hid a lot of your inner corniness from me to get me to marry you."

It was his turn to laugh. "Well, how about you? You definitely weren't this open person who gets overwhelmed with happiness when _I_ married _you_."

She shrugged. "That's different."

"How so?"

"I _wasn't_ this person before we got married; you _made_ me this person."

"Oh, Mer..." His heart swelled in his chest again, and it was his turn to be overwhelmed with his own happiness. And the degree to which he loved his wife.

"So, you have to deal with it because it's your fault," Meredith added, keeping things light for him.

He turned on the bench and hugged her to him. "I'm good with that," he whispered.

She settled into his chest with a sigh. "Me too."

They stayed that way for several long moments before Meredith's ring tone pulled them back to reality. She pulled away from him with a sigh and pulled her phone out of her pocket. "It's Iz," she told him and made a face. "We could ignore it and hide for the rest of the day?"

He chuckled and leaned in to kiss the tip of her nose. "Nope, we're going to _our_ party and we're going to celebrate _us_. Because we're awesome."

She scoffed, though her eyes were bright and she was smiling at him. She accepted the call and put the phone on speaker between them.

"Hi, Iz. What's up?"

_"What's up?" Izzie's voice came through the phone, sounding stressed. "Where are you?"_

"Well, we would be at home, but one of our soon-to-be-former-friend kicked us out about an hour ago..." She joked.

_"And then she texted you ten minutes ago to come back," Izzie responded, completely ignoring Meredith's comment about her status and thinly veiled warning about the party._

"Oh," Meredith said, sending a smirk to her husband. "Must have missed that. Sorry. We'll come back now."

_"Great!" Izzie said, voice full of enthusiasm. "See you soon!"_

"She sounds far too excited for this," Meredith complained as she put the phone back in her pocket.

Derek stood and reached his hand to his wife, who wasn't making any move to get off the bench.

"Just a couple more minutes. She made us wait," she said playfully.

He rolled his eyes. "I think we've made her wait long enough."

She stared him down for a long moment, but he stared right back and eventually made a face that had her laughing.

"Fine!" She declared, standing and then reaching for his hand. "Let's get this over with."

"How about, let's enjoy this. It'll be nice. Izzie went through a lot of trouble for us."

"I know," she conceded as they started the short walk back to their apartment. "I just know what happened last time..."

"It's going to be fine. Bailey already knows we're together, so it'll be okay if she catches us having sex in my car," he deadpanned.

She bumped his hip with hers. "I was talking about all the people."

"It'll just be people we're close to," he assured her. "You've been threatening her for weeks."

She laughed. "That's true."

"So, it'll be us, Izzie, Alex, George. Cristina-"

"Who may bring Hunt."

"They're getting close, huh?"

"She definitely likes him."

"Okay, so maybe Hunt. Mark and possibly a date." He paused and rolled his eye. "_Probably _a date. Lexie. Bailey. Do you think she invited the Chief?"

She shrugged. "Maybe." Then she smiled. "It's still amazing that that thought doesn't upset me anymore."

He squeezed her hand. "I'm glad."

"Me too."

"So, maybe Richard and maybe Adele. Who else?"

"Probably Joe and Walter."

"See? Really not that many people. Less than we had at New Years."

"I guess."

"And it'll be fun."

She glanced at him and offered a smile. "I think you're right."

"Of course I'm right," he joked.

She squeezed his hand. "Because it's the day of our wedding reception I'll let you have that..."

"Funny," he said as they reached the front doors to their building. He opened the door and held it as he ushered her inside. Together they rode the elevator up to their floor.

She stopped them in front of their front door. "Last chance. You're sure I can't convince you to run away with me?"

He forwent answering her question and kissed her. A little harder and a little deeper than was maybe advisable considering their friends were waiting on the other side of the door. And, knowing Izzie, possible watching them through the peephole.

"Derek," she whined when he pulled away, her voice slightly breathless. "You can't just do _that_ to me when you're not planning on following through."

"Oh, I plan on following through," he whispered hotly, hands on her hips as he stepped closer. He pressed an open mouthed kiss to her neck before lifting his lips to her ear. "Just not quite yet."

She groaned before pushing at his chest. "_Not_ nice."

He leaned in to make up for the new distance between them to peck a kiss to her cheek. "Just trying to give you something to look forward to, to get you through the party."

She gazed at him for a moment, clearly hesitating, before she sighed and her cheeks reddened ever so slightly. "I am actually looking forward to this," she admitted, before adding, "A little."

He chuckled. "I know."

Meredith scrunched her nose. "I've become one of _those_ people. All mushy and gooey and...people-loving."

This time he laughed out loud. "Well, let's go in while you're channelling your people-loving self."

She nodded. "Okay. You go first."

"We'll go together. It can't be that bad. If there were too many people, there'd be noise."

She reached for his hand. "Together."

He squeezed her hand and reached for the door with his other hand.

The sight that awaited them was of no surprise. Izzie took no short cuts when it came to decorating. Their condo was decked out in wedding themed decorations. Black and white and silver jumped out from all angles. But tastefully done. And not overdone. Soft music played from the living room. And their friends and family stood around their home, intermingled with champagne glasses in their hands and smiles on their faces.

He felt his lips curve into a smile of his own, happy to see their two families mixing so seamlessly; Megan and Scott chatting with Cristina, who had in fact brought Hunt, Izzie and George standing with his mom and Brian and-

Wait.

His mom was here. And his stepdad.

And all of his sisters. And their husbands.

And, by the looks of it, all of his nieces and nephews.

He opened his mouth to say...something. But no words came out.

Beside him, his wife laughed. "I _told _you Izzie would invite way more people than she told us..."

"Surprise!" Izzie called, quickly approaching, an extra champagne glass in hand. Lauren followed close beside her, also carrying an extra glass. "We totally got you, didn't we? Ha! I knew you had no idea!"

Lauren pressed a glass into her still mute brother's hand. "We got you good."

"You're here," he said, dumbly. "You're _all_ here."

"Of course we are," Lauren responded. "You know we love a good party."

"I...how?"

"Your sister and I planned it together, in secret." Izzie said.

"But..." He glanced at his wife, who looked just as surprised as he was. "How?"

Izzie shrugged. "Broke into Mer's phone a few months ago. Stole some numbers. Made some calls. That's why we had to wait so long to have the party, so we could all make it."

"I..." He was embarrassed to feel his eyes stinging. "I'm really glad. It's a long way..."

She hugged him, careful of their champagne glasses. "You came across the county for my wedding in the fall. And now I came here for your reception. It's what we do."

"Thank you."

She released him and moved to hug Meredith in greeting.

Izzie raised her glass and addressed the room. "We may not have been there on the actual day, and it may be nine months later, but we're here to celebrate not just a wedding, but a marriage and a melding of family and friends."

Derek felt his wife tuck herself into his side in response to Izzie's words. He leaned against her and wrapped his free arm around her.

"We've all been brought together by two amazing people who are now sharing a home and a life and a future."

"Marriage is about love and support and family," Lauren spoke up, adding onto Izzie's speech. "But it's also about struggles and compromise. Good times and bad. Putting someone else first and standing up for yourself. So, be there for each other. Love each other for your strengths _and_ your faults. Laugh together. Cry together. Love together. Don't consider us your family or your spouse's family; consider us all one big family. Work towards combined goals. Celebrate achievements and mourn losses. Fight together, not against each other. Be a team. Always together."

"To Meredith and Derek, Drs. Shepherd and Grey-Shepherd."

"To Meredith and Derek!" The room echoed.

Derek raised his glass with the roomful of people, but struggled to swallow his sip of champagne past the lump in his throat.

"Thank you," he said, glancing over at his wife of nine months, suddenly feeling like a newlywed all over again. "I'm..." He trailed off and Meredith nudged him. He smiled and started again. "_We're_ grateful to have so many amazing people in our life."

"And amazed so many of you came so far," Meredith added. "And that was some pretty great advice, so thank you for that, too."

"Even if it's a little shocking half that advise came from _my_ sister," Derek couldn't help but add. Everyone laughed as he ducked away from Lauren's suddenly swiping hand. He moved behind his wife and muttered, "Protect me."

Meredith laughed, free and happy. "That wasn't in the speech," she said, causing everyone else to laugh.

"But putting someone else first _was_," he pointed out.

"So was considering them all one big family, which means you were mean to _my _sister," she retorted, before stiffening as she seemed to hear the words she had verbalized for everyone to hear.

Derek didn't think he'd ever loved his wife quite as much as in this moment; as he watched her realize just how deep she was in this whole family thing they were doing together. He watched with humour as her eyes widened and her cheeks darkened. And then he felt his heart swell when his sister hugged his wife, both women fighting tears. And then the rest of _their_ family descended on the scene in a mob scene of hugs and congratulations and thank-yous and love.

With three dozen people trying to congratulate just two, it was a chaotic series of moments, though Derek wouldn't change a thing. He laughed as the kids pushed their way through the crowd, seemingly more determined than the adults, and especially Alex and Christina, who stood to the side of the mob, both obviously interested in being part of the scene, but neither wanting to admit it to the other.

"This is why I suggested a receiving line," Izzie told him as she hugged him.

"No." He shook his head. "This is perfect."

"It's..."

"Chaotic," he finished for her. "And we wouldn't have it any other way. Really. Thank you for doing this for us."

"You're family now," she answered easily before leaving him victim to the next person.

"Mom," he greeted. "I can't believe you're here."

She hugged him tightly. "I wouldn't have missed this," she told him. "I know this isn't the first reception of yours I've been at, but with the way you look at Meredith, I know without a doubt in my heart that it will be your last."

He nodded. "Absolutely." He glanced at his wife who was being mobbed by several of their nieces.

"I know I've said it before, but I really hope you know just how proud I am of you," she said. "And not for your job or your credentials. But for the man you've become. For the husband you are. For the way you love your wife and your family."

"Mom-"

She held up a hand. "I won't embarrass you any further. But remember my words, Derek."

He kissed her cheek. "Thank you, mom."

After greeting every person in his home, Derek found his wife back beside him, gazing at him with remarkably clear eyes.

"You doing okay?"

She smiled softly. "Yeah. I'm actually feeling pretty lucky right now."

"Glad we didn't run and hide tonight?"

"Definitely."

He couldn't help but close the distance between them and capture her lips with his. She kissed him back, meeting every ounce of love he felt for her. His eyes closed and the rest of the room fell away. That was until several wolf whistles pulled them apart.

Meredith covered her face with her hands for a moment, but she was laughing as she did it.

Derek laughed, too, free and uninhibited. He pressed a second kiss to his wife, this time against the side of her head as she got over her embarrassment.

"Now that Uncle Derek and Aunt Meredith are here, does that mean we can eat now?" Asked Jake, Nancy's only son of five children, whom Derek could relate well to.

The innocent - and very eager - question caused all of the adults to laugh, pulling Meredith from her embarrassment.

"Almost, Jake-y_,_" Lauren told her nephew. "We have a picture to take first."

Izzie nodded her agreement. "Okay, it's picture time!"

Derek watched as all of their family and friends herded out onto the large outdoor terrace. He and Meredith followed and watched in surprise as everyone organized themselves onto a set of benches at different heights which had been set up outside.

"Considering how long we had to wait to get both families together at the same time, we thought we should make sure and get a picture," Izzie explained.

"Cause we doubt we'll ever be able to organize this again," Lauren added with a laugh. "It took a lot of scheduling and re-scheduling."

Derek swung his free arm around his sister. "We really appreciate everything you did. Both of you. " He shot a look towards Izzie.

"You deserve it."

"Still, I live a long way away."

She shrugged. "You're where you belong, Derek." She left him with her words as she and Izzie found their places on the benches.

The photographer herded Meredith and Derek into a pre-arranged spot in the middle.

"I'm starting to get used to this whole family picture thing," Meredith whispered.

Derek smiled. "Third one in a year."

"Mm-hmm," she agreed. "I like it."

He pressed a kiss to her temple before snaking his arm around her waist and tugging her close. Around them, their family stood with them, some local and some from far away, but all here together to support and celebrate Meredith and Derek. With the love of his life in his arm and their family around them, he felt incredibly blessed. His sister was right. "This is exactly where I belong," he murmured.

"Me, too," Meredith murmured back. Together they turned to smile towards the camera.

"Maybe next family picture they'll be one more of us," he whispered, for her ears only.

She breathed beside him. "I really hope so."

Regardless of the picture being taken, he couldn't help but press a second kiss to his wife's temple in as many minutes. "I love you so much."

"I love you, to, Derek. So very much."

He turned back to the camera, squeezed in beside the woman he loves, the woman who loves him; right where he belonged.

The End.

00

Epilogue...As they follow their marriage advice...

Derek came home to find his wife in the living room, staring at the wall of pictures. There were four now. The east coast family picture from New Years, the west coast family picture from Lauren's wedding the previous fall, the combined family picture from their reception and their wedding picture.

"Hey," he called to get her attention.

She turned her head towards him and smiled. "Good timing, I need your help."

He slipped off his shoes and padded across the room towards her. "Anything."

She passed him a fifth frame. "I'm trying to figure out where we should hang this."

He glanced down at the frame in his hand and his heart skipped a beat. Colourful letters spelled out _Mommy + Daddy = Me_. The photo part was empty, but he had a feeling...

"Mer?"

She met his eyes as hers welled with tears. "I'm pregnant," she whispered.

For a moment, all he could do was stare back at her. And then he was kissing her and wrapping his arms around her. Hell, he even picked her up and twirled them both around. He stumbled slightly after several circles and lowered her feet to the ground before he dropped her. And then they were both laughing.

00

Meredith closed her eyes and took a breath, allowing herself to savour the moment. This was a day she would remember for the rest of her career. Her lips tugged upwards and she was grateful for the mask for hiding her exuberance from the rest of the surgical team. Only one person would know better. She could feel her husband's eyes on her; proud and excited for her.

_Okay._ It was time. "Scalpel," she requested, holding out her hand to accept the surgical tool for the first time as the lead surgeon. The cool metal implement was placed in her hand. _Amazing!_ And she made her first cut in her first solo surgery.

Derek, though the general procedure was far from his area of expertise, had volunteered - (demanded) - to observe her first surgery. He barely took his eyes off her for the entire procedure, and not because he worried for the patient. No, he was more than confident of his wife's abilities. This was an event he wanted to celebrate with her.

00

Meredith sighed as she pulled up to the trailer. She spotted her husband's forlorn form sitting in one of the mismatching chairs left on the deck. She slowly got out of her car and walked towards him.

"I'd ask you if you were okay, but..."

He sniffed. "You got my message."

She nodded. "I did. Though you didn't...explain much. Are you...do you want me here or...you said you needed space..."

He looked up, met her eyes for the first time. God, he looked awful; devastated. Eyes red and face pale. Sickly. Defeated.

"Not from you," he practically breathed.

She nodded. "So, you want me here?"

He held out a hand to her.

Meredith hurried towards him, threaded her fingers through his. "I'm so sorry, Derek."

He tugged her hand until she sat sideways on his lap. "I'm so glad you're here," he whispered into the side of her head.

She wrapped an arm around him as best she could. "This isn't your fault."

"It is," he insisted. "I nicked her aneurism."

"That's not why she died."

"I nicked her aneurism, and because of that she needed blood, and because of that she got sick. I tried to save her. I...I did everything I could think of." He pressed his face against her shoulder and she felt dampness through her shirt.

"You did," she agreed. "You did everything. There was nothing more you could do."

"It shouldn't have come to that."

Meredith sighed. "You didn't give her the aneurism, Derek. Maybe it couldn't be fixed without bursting. And there was no way for you to know the blood would make her sick."

He releases a sob against her. "She was pregnant."

"I know. And the baby is going to be fine. You kept her alive long enough for the baby to be okay."

His hand found her slightly swollen abdomen. "I kept thinking; what if it were you?"

She covered his hand with hers. "It's not," she assured. "I'm fine, Derek. I'm right here. And I'm healthy and the baby is healthy. And we both love you so much."

He didn't lift his head from her shoulder, but his breathing evened out. "I love you both, too," he whispered.

00

Derek wanted nothing to do with the OR. Nothing to do with surgery or medicine or patients. His hands felt like traitors. They had _killed_ his last patient. They had made a mistake that couldn't be fixed. And now...this patient. His wife's friend; a member of _their_ family. He couldn't do this. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the room around him. If he failed again...

"Shepherd," Richard's voice called, but Derek ignored him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't do this when making a mistake meant Izzie Stevens's could die.

"Shepherd," Richard tried again. "The longer we keep her under anaesthesia -"

"I know," he snapped. "I just..." _need a minute._ He opened his eyes and looked up, away from Izzie's prone form and his surgical team. And there, standing in the gallery, was his wife. She met his eyes, hers laced with concern. His heart jolted; he didn't want to fail her. But then she offered him a small, supportive smile. And he realized. The concern was all for Izzie, because along with it was a large helping of confidence. In him.

She believed in him.

He took a breath and for the first time since he entered this room it felt like the air actually reached his lungs.

"It's a beautiful days to save lives..."

00

"Cheers!" Derek called, lifting a glass from across the small restaurant table.

Meredith lifted her glass as well.

"To my lovely wife on our first anniversary."

"It's been a hell of a year," she added.

He raised an eyebrow. "Good or bad?"

"Both. And being with you has made the good even better and the bad a lot less horrible."

"I love you," he told her. "I love you and I'm grateful for you every single day."

"You too, on both counts."

They clinked glasses and both took a sip. The sparkling apple juice was far from champagne, but she didn't regret a thing. Even Derek had refused champagne, saying if she couldn't have any because of _their_ baby, neither would he.

00

Derek worried when Meredith didn't show up at his office to go home. He had texted, but had not heard back from her. After checking to confirm she had not been called into an emergency surgery, he made his way to the residents' locker room. It was there he found his wife and the sight almost broke his heart.

She was huddled on the bench, facing the former locker of Dr. George O'Malley. Tears tracks marred her face as she sat silently, crying.

"Oh, Mer," he breathed as he moved towards her.

"They cleared out his cubby," she whispered.

He sat beside her and pulled her into his arms as best he could. Her ever-growing abdomen bumped against his. "I'm so sorry."

She tucked her face into the crook of his neck. "I just can't believe he's really gone."

He rubbed her back. "He may be gone, but his memory will live on here."

She nodded against him. "I remember when I told him I was pregnant. He was so happy for us. He and Alex used to joke with me as to who we should name the baby after; Alex or George."

Derek chuckled. "I know." He pressed a kiss to her head. "We can do that, you know?"

She sniffed and then trembled in his arms. For a moment he thought she was sobbing, but then she lifted her head and he saw laughter in her eyes. "I think George would really like that."

He smirked. "Having a namesake or beating Alex?"

She actually smiled. "Beating Alex, of course."

00

Propped up in bed, Meredith perked up when she heard the door open and very soon after footsteps on the stairs up to the master bedroom. A very exhausted Derek appeared with a bottle of sparking apple juice.

Meredith beamed at her husband, proud beyond belief at the tumour resection he had pulled off today. She had been on the phone on and off with Cristina during the nearly 30 hour procedure as she gazed at the tumour Derek had drawn on their wall with sharpies the previous day.

"I am so freaking proud of you," she told him as he collapsed beside her on the bed. She tugged him in close and kissed him.

"I wish you could have been there," he told her, his voice raspy from being up for so many hours.

"Me, too," she told him honestly. "Stupid bed rest."

Derek ducked his head to kiss her very swollen abdomen. "Not much longer."

Meredith blinked against the tears that welled in her eyes every time he was affection towards her baby bump. Stupid hormones.

"Crying again?"

"No, not crying, just...Derek, stop it!" She demanded as he placed a series of kisses above where their baby was growing.

He chuckled as he sat back beside her. "If you're not crying, then what is this?" He asked as he tenderly brushed a lone tear from her cheek with his thumb.

"Shut up."

He murmured something about her being a sap now as he burrowed his face against her shoulder.

"Okay, so I've heard some of it from Cristina, but it's not the same as coming from you. So, I want you to tell me everything that happened, right from the beginning and don't leave out a single detail."

He didn't say a word.

"Derek?" She brushed her hand down his back. He was asleep.

Smiling, she pulled the blanket over him as best she could and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. "So proud of you," she whispered, before running her free hand down over her abdomen. "You'll be proud of daddy, too."

00

Almost two weeks before her due date, Meredith felt a series of contractions that were just too regular to be a false alarm. Derek, despite their planning, was slightly panicked as he raced to find his keys and her bag and get them all safely to the hospital. Meredith felt strangely calm, but knew that was likely due to the trust she had that her husband would take care of everything for her.

As the hours passed and her contractions got closer and closer together, she became more and more grateful for the man beside her, holding her hand.

"We're ready for this, right?" She spoke out loud after a particularly painful contraction passed. She fell back against the bed breathing hard, knowing she didn't have long to recovery before the next one.

"We are one hundred percent ready," he assured, having long since calmed from their trip to the hospital. "Everything he'll need is in the bag. The car seat is in the trunk. The nursery is ready to go. All we need is a baby."

She choked out a laugh. "I'm working on it."

He stood and leaned over the bed to press a kiss to her lips. "You are doing amazing, Mer. Absolutely amazing. I'm in awe of you."

"Derek..." She murmured, before another wave of pain and tightness swept over her.

In less than an hour she was pushing, Derek still right beside her, coaching her along.

"You're doing great, Mer. Almost done."

"Oh," she panted between contractions. "I can't..."

"You can," he told her. "You _are_. You are the strongest person I've ever met. You've overcome _so_ much. I _know_ you can do this."

Another contraction pulled her under and her body pushed back in response, doing what it was designed to do. The doctor between her legs said something about seeing the head, but Meredith couldn't find the energy for words. Another wave came right on top of the first. She opened her mouth, may have cried out, but wasn't sure. All she was aware of was Derek's soothing voice, telling her to _push!_

One more big push and then relief.

She fell back against the back of the bed, exhausted, watching on through blurry eyes as the doctor lifts a _baby_ to her chest. Her arms close around the small bundle that is her son. He's so _small_, but her arms are so _tired_, she just doesn't know if she can hold on.

But then Derek's arms are around both of them, strong and secure.

"Hi," she whispers to the small crying _baby_ on her chest. He releases a pitiful cry, but then his eyes open and he stops. Tiny blue eyes stare up at her. Her _husband's_ blue eyes. She looks from them to Derek's.

"Oh, Mer," he murmurs, "Wow."

They're both in shock, not prepared for the emotions currently coursing through them.

"Hey, you," Meredith says, craning her neck to kiss the baby's small head.

Derek quickly follows suit, first kissing his son and then his wife. "I love you - both - so much. So much. This is...wow. Mer... Wow."

She almost laughs at her husband's inability to string together words. "We're so glad you're finally here," she tells the baby, her son. We both love you so much. And we're so glad you're here. So glad. Daddy would tell you, too, but he's having trouble with his words."

Derek laughs at that. "I am," he admits. "But not the important ones. We are so glad you're here." He blinks and then there are tears in his eyes to match hers. He kisses their son again, and then captures her lips for a real kiss. "Thank you, Mer. Thank you. This is... You've given me everything I've ever wanted."

00

Derek padded quietly down the stairs in search of his wife after waking alone, the sheets cool beside him and the baby monitor absent from her bedside table. Tiptoeing down the short hallway, he managed to make it to the doorway of the nursery without being seen. He caught sight of his wife sitting in the rocking chair in the corner, their three month old son cuddled against her chest.

Despite her personal growth in the year prior to them becoming parents, she had still had her misgivings about being a mom. But she was a natural. So good with Chris. Confident and calm. More than he felt a lot of the early days.

"You really need to sleep," she was telling the bundle in her arms.

Derek stepped away from the doorway and slid down the wall to sit just out of sight by the door. As much as he loved watching his wife with their son, there was something special about listening to them together.

"Seriously," she said. "You need to stop giving me that face. You know the one I'm talking about; the one you get from your father. Yes, that's the one. I can't say no to that face. And I'm letting you be awake in the middle of the night when we should both be sleeping."

Derek bit back a chuckle. Chris did have an expression that was impossible to say no to. He was guilty of falling for it many times.

"Well, fine, if we're both going to be awake, we may as well chat. So, how about you? How was your day?" There was a pause. "That good, huh? It was nice for all three of us to be home together, wasn't it?" Meredith had returned to the hospital three weeks earlier, but was on reduced hours still. "It's strange because you're only three months old-"

She cut off as Chris released a small cry.

"Fine, you're right three and a half months old. But, as I was saying, we've only had you for a few months, but already I can't remember what life was like before you."

She was silent for a few moments.

"You know, I had a mom, too. I thought she resented me for a long time, but now I think she was scared. She didn't know what it was like to be loved by someone like daddy. And she was scared to love me. And that makes me sad, little man. You know why? Because I'm so happy to be your mom. I hope she got to know what this feels like."

She fell silent again.

"I love you, little man. So much. I want you to always know that. Daddy and I both love you. Forever. And we may not be perfect. And we may not have as much free time as other mommies and daddies, but we will _always_ be there for you. You will always be safe and loved. I promise. And daddy will promise you, too. Just ask him." She paused and then added dryly, "He's sitting in the hall again spying on us."

Derek huffed a laugh as she pulled himself to his feet. "Caught red handed. How long did you know I was here?"

"The whole time. You're not as quiet as you think you are."

He pressed a kiss to her lips and then to Chris's head. "Hey, kiddo. Sorry, I was spying on you and mommy, but you're both so damn cute I can't help it."

Chris stared up at his daddy and waved a fist.

Derek tucked his finger into Chris's small hands. "See? He understands. He's on my side. He's completely in love with you, too. Isn't that right, kiddo? You love mommy just like daddy does?"

00

Clutching to Derek's hand, Meredith sat at his hospital bed, silent tears running down her cheeks. The adrenaline of the day had long since disappeared, and now she was left broken and exhausted, but unable to lie down and sleep. Not like this. Not with her husband lying in a hospital bed recovering from a bullet to the chest and her son asleep in his stroller beside her. Technically, having the baby in the ICU was against protocol, but no one was stupid enough to question her on it right now.

She glanced at Chris, more grateful now than ever that he was his father's son; easy going and flexible. Could sleep in a stroller in the ICU. Because Meredith doesn't think she can leave. The mother in her wants to take her son home, but the wife in her _needs_ to be there when Derek opens his eyes. The last time she had seen him with his eyes open, he had been so scared, in so much pain. He had told her how good a mother she was to their son, had told her all the things he wished someone would have said to him after he ended up fatherless because of a bullet. He had told her how much he loved her and how hard he was going to fight for her and Chris. But he had also told her to be happy if he died, had assured her she would be okay. He had even had the presence of mind to tell her she wouldn't be like her mother had been. She had kissed him and assured him he would be fine, they would _all _be fine.

And now everyone was not really all that fine, but they were all alive alive. Fine could come later. Fine would come after he recovered from the bullet and after she told him she had been pregnant again but wasn't anymore. Fine would come after she felt safe in the hospital again.

Derek stirred. His eyes twitches and his forehead wrinkled as if wincing in pain. His chest hitched and his heart monitor showed an increased heart rate.

She wiped her cheeks and stood. "Derek? Derek, can you hear me? Are you awake?"

He said nothing, but she squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

"You're alive and you're safe." She told him. "You're going to be just fine. The surgery went really well."

He blinked a few times before managing to keep his eyes open. Heavy lidded, he stared at her.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Meredith."

She leaned down and kissed him. "You're okay," she told him again.

He squeezed her hand. "I didn't want to leave you."

"You didn't. You're here. And you're going to be okay."

He closed his eyes. "Chris?"

"He's here. Sleeping in his stroller. He's fine. The shooter didn't go near the daycare."

"Tell him his daddy loves him."

"I already have, but I will again."

"And tell him his daddy loves his mommy."

She managed a smile at his words. "His mommy loves his daddy, too."

00

Meredith shifted uncomfortably on the couch across from the social worker. She hated feeling judged and evaluated, having her parenting skills questioned.

"So, Dr. Grey-"

"Meredith," she interrupted. "Just call me Meredith."

"Okay, Meredith. I'm glad we could sit down and chat today. I think it's wonderful that you and your husband want to bring another child into your family, but my job is to make sure this is being done for the right reason and that Zola will be a good fit for your family. So, why we start with you telling me about yourself?"

"Like, my family? My job?"

"A little bit of all of it."

"I'm a fourth year surgical resident. I've been married for two and a half years. I have a son, Chris, who's almost fifteen months old."

"How would you describe your marriage?"

She fought the instinct to react defensively to that question, had to remind herself this was the social worker's job. No pre-conceived notions. "Good, really good. Derek and I are...really happy."

The social worker nodded, urging her on.

"We're busier than most couples, I guess, because we're both surgeons, but we work really well together. At the hospital and at home. He makes me really happy, and though I still think I'm the lucky one, I make him happy, too."

The social worker smiled at that.

"And how was it bringing Chris home?"

"It was..." She sighed. "I know it was a big change back then, but now I can't really remember what things were like before him. It feels like we were always meant to be a family."

"And you feel that way about Zola?"

Meredith nodded. "I know it sounds crazy, but we just knew. She _belongs_ with us. Derek met her first, because he was her doctor, but as soon as he placed her in my arms and said we should adopt her...I just knew."

"How do you think Chris will handle a new sister?"

"I know it won't be easy, but kids get new siblings all the time. We'll all have to adapt. But Chris is truly his father's son. He's super happy and easy going."

"Not like you?" The question was friendly, not challenging.

"Derek's the optimist. I'm more the...realist. We ground each other. But he's definitely the more easy going. I've just...I've had a lot of bad things happen, so I think I'm always aware of what could happen. But that also makes me more grateful; I don't take things for granted."

00

"...And this is home," Meredith murmured to the baby attached to her front via baby Bjorn as she struggled to balance her bags, herself and new...daughter. Derek had already long since taken Chris home when she had been paged to meet the social worker. Within an hour, Zola had been discharged from the hospital and signed over to Meredith and Derek. They would be acting as foster parents until permanent custody would be granted.

"Now, we weren't expecting you quite so soon, or suddenly, so we don't have your room set up yet, but you'll be sleeping upstairs with us at least for a few nights anyway." She reached the front door, but before she had to try to reach for the doorknob, the door opened.

Derek, smiling widely, ushered them inside. "Hi, Zola," he cooed, before taking some of the bags from Meredith's hands. "I can't believe she's here."

"Me neither."

Derek set the bags down and hugged her; hugged both of them. He kissed Meredith on the lips and then Zola on the top of her head.

Meredith worked carefully to extract the girl from the Bjorn. She smiled as Derek swooped her up into his arms, making the girl smile.

"Mama!" Chris shouted, hurrying as fast as his little feet could carry him towards her. He was dressed in pajamas and carrying a small stuffed dog from his bedroom.

"Hi, little man," she greeted affectionately, scooping him up into her arms. "Are you excited."

He nodded. "Sista!"

"You have a new sister, that's right."

Chris beamed and turned as far as he could to stare at Zola. They had introduced the kids in the hospital several times, wanting them to be familiar with each other. Meredith shifted so she and Derek were standing closer.

"Chris, do you remember Zola?"

He nodded. "Zo. Sista." He held out the hand carrying his stuffed dog. "Zo."

"Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Meredith whispered.

"I think so," Derek whispered back. He reached his hand out to his son. "Are you giving your puppy to Zola?"

Chris shoved his stuffed dog into Derek's hand with another exclamation of, "Sista!"

Derek, who Meredith was pretty sure she had never seen as proud a father as he was in this moment, took the stuffed down and offered it to Zola. The younger girl stared at it for a moment before slowly reaching out and wrapping her fingers around the stuffed animal. Then she pulled it to her chest and smiled.

Meredith didn't even try to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks. "Such a good big brother," she whispered to Chris as she pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

Derek opened his free arm and she stepped into him, the four of them now in a family hug. "I love you," he whispered fiercely.

"I love you, too," she whispered back.

"Luv, luv, luv," Chris chirped, causing both his parents to laugh.

"Just like his father," she said dryly.

"Smart boy."

"It's you and me, Zo," Meredith said. "We'll be the normal ones."

Derek rolled his eyes good naturedly. "Chris and I will let you think that."

She laughed and kissed him.

00

Meredith ran her fingers over the framed photo of the family of four, remembering how Derek had set up the camera the night she had first brought Zola home so that they could add a picture of their newly increased family to their wall at the earliest opportunity. She smiled at sixteen month old Chris and seven month old Zola, amazed at how much they had changed in just two years.

With a sigh, she wrapped the photo in protective paper and placed it into the box that held the other pictures she had already taken down from the wall and packed away for the move. After deciding they would be staying in Seattle, they had finally built their dream house on their land. And just in time; they were running out of wall space.

The next picture she took down was more recent. Meredith and Derek, with three year old Chris and two year old Zola.

"Mommy?"

She turned to find her daughter standing by the hallway to the back bedrooms. "Hi, Zo-zo, did you just wake up."

Decked out in pink pajamas, the stuffed dog her brother had given her in her hands, Zola nodded. "I help?"

Meredith nodded. "Of course. You can help me wrap pictures."

Zola hurried over and under Meredith's direction, settled onto the couch beside the pile of wrap. One at a time, she handed Meredith pieces of wrap.

"Do you remember this picture, Zo-zo?" Meredith asked.

Zola nodded and giggled. They had taken the kids to a summer festival that summer, where they had gotten their faces painted. Zola had chosen a butterfly and her brother had chosen a lion. The picture was adorably cute of the two of them.

Small footsteps hurried out of the hallway. Meredith didn't even have to turn around. "Morning Chris."

"How did you know it was me?" He demanded.

"Well, Zola is here, so I knew it wasn't her. And Daddy is louder than you."

Chris laughed before hurrying over to join his mom and sister. "What are you doing?"

"We're wrapping the pictures to keep them safe when we take them to the new house. Would you like to help?"

Chris nodded and leapt onto the couch beside his sister. Now Meredith would pull a frame off the wall, Zola would pass her protective wrap and then Meredith would pass the picture to Chris who would put it into the box.

Louder footsteps sounded on the stairs. Meredith smirked. "See, Chris? Daddy's a lot louder than you."

Both Chris and Zola giggled at her.

"Morning," Derek called, smiling at the sight of his family working together. "What are we all doing?"

"I'm packing pictures with help from child labour."

Derek chuckled. "I see." He reached the couch and bent to kiss his son and daughter good morning.

"Will we have more space at the new house?" Chris asked. "Cause there are a lot of pictures."

Derek nodded as he stood. "Yes, tons more space."

"Just in time, too," Meredith said as he pressed a kiss to her temple. "We need more wall space and another bedroom, stat."

"Yes, we do," Derek said, ducked down to press a kiss to her swollen abdomen. "Just another month."

"We'll need a new picture when the new baby comes," Chris said. "Because then there will be five of us."

Meredith beamed at her eldest, so proud of his thoughtfulness _and_ his ability to understand numbers and counting already.

"Five," Zola agreed with a serious nod, though Meredith wasn't so sure she understood quite as much as her older brother.

"Tell you what, let's finish packing these pictures while daddy makes us pancakes for breakfast. Then we can go out as a family and pick out a new frame for when the baby comes."

Both kids agreed excitedly.

"Sounds great," Derek said.

"Chocolate chip pancakes," she specified.

"Is the baby asking for choc-lat again?" Zola asked.

Derek choked on his laugh at his daughter's innocent question.

"She gets that from you," his wife hissed at him.

"No, she gets it from you, going around blaming the baby for all your cravings."

Meredith narrowed her eyes at her husband, but couldn't keep a straight face. Instead, she stuck her tongue out at him, to the delight of her kids.

"Mature," Derek mouthed back at her.

She laughed. "You know what? I think we need a family hug before breakfast."

"Hormones?" Chris asked, not really understanding why his mom got emotional a lot lately, but _definitely _having picked that one up from his dad.

Derek winced. "Okay, yeah, I'll take full responsibility for that one."

Meredith rolled her eyes and tugged him towards the couch with her. They collapsed onto the cushions and the kids cuddled close. Perfection. Her need for family and closeness were definitely being met. Her perfect little family. The husband she hadn't been looking for but had found anyway. Herself; who had planned on a life alone, but overcame so much to have _this_. The son she had for a long time thought she wouldn't want until she suddenly wanted desperately. The daughter who had been born halfway around the world, but who _belonged_ with them as much as her brother. And the unborn baby who had come as quite a surprise after several years of unsuccessfully trying for another. Five members of a family; all different, but all exactly where they belonged.

_**And that's a wrap! Again, big thank you to everyone who has supported this story over the last 6 years. I hope I did this last chapter justice, keeping in mind it's not the end of their story, just the end of this story.**_


End file.
